Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 358. Remind Your Own Business

Episode Date: January 11, 2024

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runk sacramento where you at sacramento sacramento where you at i'll be there january 13th and then in brea i'll be a break california january 18th to 19th and then phoenix arizona january 20th el paso texas albuquerque new mexico the 26th and 27th uh Kelowna, B.C. and Vancouver, B.C. February 9th and February 10th. And then I added a show in Vancouver because it sold out February 10th. Rochester, New York. Kitchener, Ontario.

Shreveport, Louisiana. Houston, Texas. Corpus Christi, Texas. Got a bunch of dates coming up. Go to chriscalea.com to get the tickets. And also go to watch Grow or Die, my new special uh out there on my website chrislea.com go ahead and get that and uh that's that you can also get the merch i was wearing it today um and uh looked pretty good might i say man uh chrislea.com and without the further ado

whatever you know how they say uh we are going to get into the next episode of Congratulations. Man, I'll tell you what. Well, I guess we could talk about, you know what know what dude maybe we should just get into it how about this i don't i'm gonna go ahead i took my magic mind okay on and popping clear mind so i guess i'm ready dude uh i I'm going to get into it. I don't understand all the stuff online about Joe Coy. I don't get why everyone is roasting the crap out of him. I don't get it.

I think this is just a frenzy that people are doing this because of one cutaway to Taylor Swift and then another cutaway to maybe someone else that wasn't laughing. And they just thought, you know what? It caught wildfire. Dude, I watched it. and not only did he not do bad he did well i don't i don't understand maybe i mean maybe the barbie joke fell a little bit flat but this is always what happens at the golden globes this is always what happens at the golden globes i mean ricky gervais probably gave the best monologue ever in Golden Globes history. And I don't know if people are comparing him to that, but these gigs are terrible.

These gigs are terrible to do. They're actors and actresses. They're famous celebrities that don't want to get roasted. And this is what it's become. You know, they think they want to get roasted and then and then and then they're like but like they don't dude you think margot robbie wants to get roasted for what for what you think taylor like taylor swift joke the the biggest thing the most annoying thing was the Taylor Swift thing dude the joke wasn't about her the joke was about what cucks the NFL are being for showing the relationship she should be happy about what he did because she's like yeah you're right the NFL is

too it's too much but she she she they they cut to Taylor Swift and And she was like, I guess not laughing, which by the way, you know, you never know what's on these people's minds. It wasn't like she was like this. She would just drink a drink. She might have been already on the way to drink it while Joe Coy was saying the thing. And then the camera caught her while he did the thing, and then that's it. And then everyone's like, oh, wow, she straight-faced him. You don't even know what's going on in her head, number one. Number two, say she was pissed off about the joke.

It's not about her. It's about the NFL, okay? And also, you think Taylor Swift? you think Taylor Swift, why would anyone want to ever get roasted if you're Taylor Smith? Taylor Swift. Why would you want to get roasted? Everybody in her camp

is on her nutso's, dude. Nobody's ever telling her how it really is she worth bell she's worth a billion dollars she makes 400 million dollars in merch in one show you know nobody's gonna be everyone's gonna be like oh it sucks what sucks what he did in her camp sucks what he did oh that was rude yeah celebrities they don't first of all they don't know what they want they think they're gonna go to a fun roast show and then dude the jokes weren't they were not bad and neither was you know you want to say oh yeah oh people my favorite thing is oh he missed the point about barbie he missed the point about Barbie.

He missed the point. He didn't get Barbie. Dude, he just made a joke. Who gives a shit? It's so weird. It was so weird. I rarely look online because I don't like looking at hate stuff for anyone. But I did because, you know, Joe's a buddy and I watched the thing and i was like it can't be that people are saying it's bad no no i watch it i thought i feel like

i watched a different monologue i don't understand i think it's just one of those things that caught fire and people are like all right yeah you know this the swifties or whatever like this was so stupid this was shitty because he made a joke at her expense expense and then uh everyone just kind of jumped on board i don't understand it maybe i mean i guess i'm the minority i don't even know if i am the minority because this is just online like three percent of people are on are are are are online or on twitter or whatever, whatever the fuck. I, it's just, we, I don't know what people expect and they go to, are people expecting Ricky Gervais? Ricky, what Ricky Gervais did was right time, right place. He's, he's so funny, you know, and, and, and he was just being himself.

And by the way, I bet some of those jokes fell flat too in the room. Cause he was the people who were saying that joke quite bombed. I just don't understand it because you can hear the laughter. It's so weird. Am I, maybe I'm, I'm not delusional. Oh yo, he didn't make fucking Tom Hanks laugh or he didn't make somebody else laugh or whatever it is? What, Timothy Chalamet didn't laugh? Timothy Sportschelet didn't laugh?

Wonka did well, huh? I thought Wonka was going to tank. Wonka made well, huh? I thought Wonka was going to tank. Wonka made money, right? Wonka movie box office. I thought Wonka was going to... Okay, Wonka is number one box office again. Again? That's crazy.

Who gives a fuck about Willy Wonka's origin story? You know? They're going to have fucking, there's so many origin stories now, they're going to have Dave from Wendy's origin story.

Remember him? When he was a boy, he had a thing for redheads. And square fried chicken. And square meat. Bro, Wendy's thought they were doing something different with the square meat. Get out of here, bro. That's disgusting.

Cubed ass meat. Cubed ass meat Cubed ass meat motherfuckers Fuck you cubed ass meat motherfuckers So rude Wendy's was like Cubed meat Yeah dude I mean I don't know People are so

I guess it's a slow news day with the shit it's like with the jokoi thing and then the and then how crazy everyone went for the cat williamson which i talked about on the patreon episode i just don't like people think you know you can just become famous by saying Hollywood is a macrocosm to anyone's, to your work, right? To your career. Because everyone sees Hollywood. So everyone pretty much is, pretty much everyone, in some way a failure, right? Like, let's just get down to brass tacks here.

You're not living the life you want. Okay. You're just not, I got news for you. There's people like Brad Pitt, probably not even living the life he wants. Okay. And I know, I know. Oh, but what you could take is $200 million and fucking buy an island and just go there with, you know, whatever, a bunch of babes and fucking make, you know, grow weed if that's what he wants to do. Right?

I know. I get it. But money doesn't make you happy. It makes things comfortable for you. But people think that you can, you know, buy your way into happiness. But that aside, take the money thing out of it. Most people, poor. Okay?

So even if you do add that, most people, when it comes down to brass tacks, we're all failures in a way. Right? We didn't do the thing we wanted to do, whatever it is. And that's fine. And I feel you, dude. There's stuff in my life I wanted to do that I didn't get to do. You know, I love my life, but I get it. Um, so there is, then there's Hollywood. You look at Cate Blanchett, you look at Jennifer Lawrence, you look at Brad Pitt, you look at Tom Cruise, you look at, you know,

Jennifer Lawrence, you look at Brad Pitt, you look at Tom Cruise, you look at, you know, Kevin Hart, you look at whoever these people are. They're held up on a pedestal by a lot of people. But we want to see them fall so much because they couldn't have got it through hard work or talent because then that means I have less of that. I have less of that. Oh, yeah. Brad Pitt got that shit because of the way the elite work their magic and he's in the Illuminati. Not that I didn't work hard enough.

Not that the cards didn't work out for me. Not that I'm the kind of person that isn't talented. Not to say that Brad Pitt's the most talented guy on the earth, but he's a good actor and shit. But it's like people want an excuse so badly. So when Cal Williams comes in and says, hey, Kevin Hart is a plant. Hey, uh, Cedric, the entertainer does this. Joe Rogan does that. Then all of those failures think I fucking knew it. I knew it. I knew it wasn't because I didn't

get off my ass five days a week to chase my dreams. I knew it. And I know it's hard. It's hard as fuck to chase your dreams. People talk about a never give up your dreams. Dude, I'm the first to be like, Hey, give up your dreams. Dreams are hard to actualize. That's why they're dreams. You ever fall asleep and dream something that you could do yeah sometimes you tell anybody about that dream no why because it's not interesting you tell people about the crazy dreams because that's what's interesting i had a dream to become a stand-up comedian that That shit was hard as fuck. I went, I did shows at laundromats. I did shows in fucking warehouses and comic book stores, people's houses and hostels.

I did fucking trash gigs. It was hard. Am I living my dream? You don't know. You don't know. You don't know. don't know what makes you happy so when you look at a thing like cat williams mouthing off on all these motherfuckers you could be like yeah dude that's why that's why i didn't make it as an opera singer when in actuality you weren't working on your as much as you should have. You weren't working on your as much as you should have.

Because you were too busy eating Funyuns, playing fucking Dark Knight or whatever video game. It makes too much. There will always be that feeling too i don't know it's people love watching people fucking i don't know this is just me saying shit what the fuck do i i what do i know dude i'm just a guy who posted a fucking thing on threads that said something about uh sunglasses hey i saw a guy where look at this look at this shit i posted on threads that that fucking instagram thing the facebook uh one third day in a row someone with sunglasses at the gym somebody right so um here look uh let me just go down and look at okay and like imagine writing just being someone in fucking saint petersburg florida

you know and a comedian that you don't even like, right? Like this person doesn't, I definitely don't hate me. They're just like, this is a who cares response to just write to me, a comedian. Okay. And like, it gets fucking crazy. Look at this. Look at this third day in a row you haven't minded your own business huh this is threads what do you also the thing that the person always gets mad at online

is always you can always direct it back on themselves right like who asked you? I didn't ask you. Oh, you just sit on the internet and bitch about people? What was you doing? Wait, there was one in here I caught. There's a bunch of them here. Look at this. Oh, wow, this is is great this one's great there's actually one guy in the gym who wears them every single time i'm beginning to think he may have an eye condition though

it just seems improbable that he'd always wear them but he's but it is weird seeing someone bench with shades on you know look at this look at this some people may have some people have sensitive eyes i wear sunglasses most of the time otherwise i'm my eyes sting oh yeah dude is that right is that right is that right someone in bend oregon hey dude okay hey did you get your prescription of boring pills filled dude look at wait there was another good one though most of these responses are fine the lighting can be unpleasant don't judge

okay oh oh yeah i should just right by the oh yeah oh well there was one maybe it was deleted but oh wow guy i don't know i i don't know oh here we go oh here we go here here this is my favorite yeah but some people with low visibility and light sensitivity like myself don't need your rubbish opinion about it. Thanks. You should probably, well, first of all, they say you should probably remind your own business.

Remind it. Hey, dude, remind your own business. Also so British to call someone rubbish, you know? That's absolute rubbish. Your opinion, your opinion is absolutely mental. It's rubbish, mate. What is going on? It makes no sense.

Let people mind their own business. Let people wear sunglasses at night. Who knows what if he's a little boy? What if he's the little boy in Anatomy of the Fall and you just didn't realize it was him? What if he was a little boy the little blonde boy with the glassed out eyes with the cloudy vision and i'm fucking in a in a in a in a movie that was the french movie anatomy of a formula just that movie anatomy of a fall

bro i put it on solely for the reason it was number eight on iTunes movies. And I go, when I see a movie that's number eight on iTunes movies and on the top of the charts, and I, and I don't, and I don't know, and I don't either know what it is or it's got dragons on it and shit. Like, cause I don't know a lot of movies where like that'll just be about a wizard and sometimes i know that there are big big movies about wizards and dragons that i have no idea that they are and i understand that those are probably blockbusters okay all right or if it's just a movie with like mel gibson that i've never heard of that came out in the past five six years i get it because Mel Gibson, people are watching him number one, because they love Mel Gibson.

And number two, because they want to watch a movie to hate on because they think he's an anti-Semite, right? Okay. So, okay. But when I see a movie that I have no idea what it is, and it's called something boring as shit, like anatomy of a fall and it's number eight. And I'm, and I'm on, i'm on the couch i'm on the couch picture me not on the couch like this you can't because i'm deep in conspiracy now how the fuck did this get up there well what is this danish what is this you play it is it french but they're speaking english too and also even speaking another language. What is this? You see the trailer and boy, they got me. Okay. It said it was con. It was in can the one, the poor detour to can whatever the fuck it is. Poor, poor cans selection or whatever.

You see those wreaths, you know, and you're like, all right, Toronto film festival wreaths. Okay. I'm in. You know? It was about a woman whose husband, question mark, commits suicide by jumping off of the top floor of their house. And there is a hearing, you know, there's an investigation about her. They can't prove it's not her, but they don't know if it's her. So she has to go to like court. And let me tell you something. It's French court. And let me tell you something. It's French court.

And let me tell you something. French court, be silly as shit. Any court that's not in America is so silly. Dude, just Google YouTube, like British, you know, trial or, or go or do like Swedish. They don't, they do, they'll dress up in like fucking pirates hats and red capes and like cotton, like cotton candy boots. And they're just like, here we have, you know, exhibit a, how could she have been in the room before the dinner was served? It's impolite to be in the room before the dinner is served. Therefore she could not have been there. My client is innocent. I rest my case. And then I'm eating your cotton candy shoes. Like, dude,

it's just so crazy in america they just go in suits and they're just like let's get the job done bro in in britain hey in britain oh dude hey if you're on trial in britain you sit in the middle how do you not look guilty in the middle well i swear i didn't you know at least in america you could be like gay i didn't know i didn't there's no way. In Britain, dude, try not looking guilty when there's someone looking at you from here, dude. You're in the middle. Dude, there's bad seats.

Well, I didn't, I swear I didn't care. This is mental. This guy, take your wig off, right? Like, take off your fucking wig, mate. You gotta change this shit. It's not me. Dude, the only thing worse would be if the chair rotated. And you could, it was like the fucking, uh, the voice.

Well, then where were you March 15th? I was, I was, I was having dinner with a business partner, mate. I swear. Let me tell the other side. I was with a, I was having dinner with a business partner, mate. I swear. Let me tell the other side. I was with a business with a dinner party. I swear. Dude, you sit in. They might as well make you sit halfway underground to where it's just your chest above the floor.

And they're just like did you i mean it's dude court anywhere but america is crazy it's like all ceremonial and shit because you know why because it's been around too long right america's been around since 1776. If you're not counting the Indians. But dude. Yeah. You know, the Indians didn't have trials. They would just be like, I don't know what they would do.

But they would just like, dude. It's been around too long. That's the thing. The court in America in a thousand years is going to be crazy. It's going to be great. First of all, it's going to be AI. The judge will be Johnny Five, you know a thousand years gonna be crazy it's gonna be great first of all it's gonna be ai the judge will be johnny five you know guilty but dude yeah you can't like that's the tradition messes everything up right you know

because times change so hey brit hey, Britain, British Parliament, take your fucking wigs off. Hey, you know, also, we don't need that fucking gunk, gunk order in the court anymore. America, get, get, get away with that. Get a fucking, uh, just a button that you press that says, you know, order like a game show order. Laugh now at a sitcom that you press that says you know order like a game show order laugh now at a sitcom you know um yeah dude I just

it's so crazy to me yeah I don't know imagine being in fucking god imagine not imagine not like imagine something where you're in On trial For something dude that's the craziest thing

Is the people who are innocent the people who Go to trial and then get cleared And are actually innocent Bro they had to Go through that How about that how about being Totally innocent you ever think about that but you gotta go through a trial oh no and then a lot of times they'll go through they'll win and then they go like this

psych we got to do it again what bro i was watching i was watching this um trial on day it was like dateline it was something with Keith Morrison You know where he's just standing out in a field For no reason near a ladder Well it was a beautiful night for Karen Except for the fact that she died It was raining So full of life

Bob and Bill denied That's Keith Morrison So full of life Bob and Dildo night That's Keith Morrison So full of life Bob and Dildo night When she took her last breath I'm Lester Holt Here's the guy that'll announce Here

Here's I'm Lester Holt I'm the announcer Of the show that has an announcer. This is Dateline. Today we'll discuss a crazy case. Let me introduce you to the guy who's going to introduce you to the case. I'm Lester Holt.

I'm basically dead space. My job shouldn't exist. I'm like a segment producer on Kimmel. But yeah, no. So I was watching a thing. This lady had to go on trial four fucking times until they convicted her. Hey dude, if you don't get it right the first time, I feel like it's done. If you can't get, if you're a prosecution and you can't get people, you can't gather up enough evidence for the first time hey dude that guy deserves to go oh well we're letting a killer on the loose yeah well the prosecution was fucking busy not working hard right okay they didn't gather up enough evidence. It's all, what do you call it? Circumstantial. Dude, what about crafty killers who get away with it? Can you be so good at your job that you do?

Like ninjas, you know, they don't get caught. Imagine a ninja on trial. He'd have to get like, your honor, he obviously did it. Look what he's wearing, first of all. Second of all, he's's so good at killing and that's why we didn't know it was him because he's so good at it and he was so quiet there's no fingerprints of course because look at his hands he's got gloves i rest my case he's like i and then the prosecution i i there is no he has no alibi number one number two there were hints of just fizzing at the mouth ninja god with one of those or poison them a day poor poor poor poison them with a time release capsule you know

uh anyway what the fuck i just can't believe imagine going on trial four times for something and then dude and that's what like 15 years of your life you might distress dude you'd probably like i dude if you had to go on two oh man that's fucking crazy dude anyway fucking what a what a what a i i what a wacky episode or i came out the gates and that's good but uh oh speaking of courtroom drama this fucking oscar pistorius was released pistorius pistorius dun dun dun dun dun dun pistorius dun dun an olympic athlete convicted of murder is released it's crazy if anyone who kills anyone is ever released by the way how long do you think you should go to jail if you kill somebody? Like, what is this 25 to life shit?

It should just be life? Or we should just come up with another amount? Like, dude, I'm sure killers don't want to go to jail for 10 years. Just make it 10 years or make it life. The South African sprinter whose trial for the 2013 killing of his girlfriend drew intense global interest served more than seven years in prison and he got out

oh because it's in South Africa right they don't know what they're doing hey let him out I don't know what was he in for I don't know look it up it's crowded let him out Oscar Pistorius

the South African athlete, hailed as an inspirational figure until he was convicted of killing his girlfriend, was released on parole on Friday after more than seven years in prison. I watched the documentary on this dude. Yeah. God, I can't. I go back and forth.

I have a thing that I do in my head. I have a game. Well, it's not a game. It's just like a, you know, I have OCD. So I have like, I have like intrusive thoughts, but I have this, uh, thing where I think I, cause I don't know that. I don't know the, I don't know the answer to this, but ask yourself this. Would you rather kill someone or be killed yourself?

Now, I get the knee-jerk reaction is kill someone because you don't want to die, okay? And you have a lot to live for. I get it. someone because you don't want to die okay and you have a lot to live for i get right i get it but deeply imagine killing someone and i don't mean in self-defense i'm talking about you have a you have a choice like if god God or Nicholas Cage comes down and is like, Hey, you have to make this choice, kill someone or be killed. And they say like, well, who, you know,

who do I kill? They say, that's up to you. Like you can't kill. It's not self-defense. It's not like you have a threat. I go back and forth on that, dude. I go back and forth on that. Genuinely. For a while, all throughout my youth, up until I was like 35, I'd be like, I would kill someone. And then I was like, I don't know if I could fucking deal with that. I don't know if I could deal with like i here's here's what i think i think i could block out the fact that i maybe i would fucking it would eat me right the hardest part about it i'll say is i'd be walking around thinking like when are they gonna find out that is i can't live with that when are they gonna find out when are going to find out I killed a fucking, the bagger at Ralph's?

You know? I picked the oldest guy I could. I had to. Like, I just, he has a family. And then just after, like, I was, like, in my 40s, I started thinking, like, I think I would just choose to be killed because I don't want to do that. Right. And I was there for a few years. And then I was like, no, now, now I'm at the point where like, I need to be around for my kids. Look at me, look at this. This is what I, this is the shit I think of. You know, like you're at work all day and you're like where are the reports i gotta do this so let me send that email out this is me i'm here in this headspace outside

outside of a fucking erowan just like no you know what i'd kill someone jesus christ got to up my up my uh prozac intrusive thoughts for the win huh um but yeah anyway i guess he killed her he was convicted of killing his girlfriend um oh yeah he's a double amputee, that's right. Because he was a runner. Oh no, no, no. The Paralympic athlete, yeah. Wow. Man, how do you kill someone with no legs?

They got to let him out just for that reason. They're like, well look, we had to put you in jail, but pretty fucking impressive, man. Pretty impressive. You'll do seven years. You won't serve a full term. you're not even a full person um what's this

well oh wow oh my god i mean little nas x you know Oh my God. I mean Lil Nas X, you know. The fucking chutzpah. Oh. Lil Nas X has a new single called J Christ. Hey, dude. j christ hey dude just call it jesus christ you know we all know that's not a wink we know you might as well just call it jesus christ like it's pretty much we'll get it you know it's called j christ and it's out friday and the cover of it is

oh my lil nas x on a cross being crucified and being taken down from the cross sacrilegious dude hey where is tits don't i thought little nazis got boobs didn't he didn't he put fucking fake boobs on for something uh i don't know i'm just i'm just prejudice i guess i don't know dude going to the very depths of hell you know yo how crazy is this i was thinking about this the other day and then it happened tiger woods i was like i want is he still sponsored by nike and after 27 years they part they they they split i was just thinking about this as like who if you were to name the

best golfer in the world everyone would say tiger woods but that's going to change one day right and you know i know he like had a dip when he cheated all over his wife and his wife hit him with a golf club or whatever the fuck it was. And it's like, look, he shouldn't be doing that. He shouldn't be doing that, right? But like how many, what percentage of guys are like,

well, look, if you're going to do it, if you're going to be married to somebody who's going to be doing it, at least it was Tiger Woods, right? 27 years of sponsorship. So Tiger Woods even was sponsored through that? Through that? It's crazy shit. That's wild.

Just Tiger Woods, just do it. But not that, not, well. Tiger Woods, it's crazy shit. That's wild. Just Tiger Woods. Just do it. But not that. Not. Well. Tiger Woods. It's like this. Tiger Woods. Just do it.

Um. Man. Start to finish without singing it. Yeah whenever you're ready recite the alphabet from start to finish without singing it yeah okay look you can already tell this is going to be a fucking travesty in a train wreck because of the way the cop is being she's got this woman is pulled over for a you know drunk driving i bet, I bet, I guess, right? Using my deductive reasoning here. I'm not Sherlock,

but the cocksure attitude he has in the voice, you know, he's already got her in. He's got it in the bag, right? You know, he's like, he's got it in the fucking bag.

He's like, well, this, this lady is going to be right. She's going to, we got, we got her. It was like that fucking, ladies and gentlemen,

we got them. Whenever you're ready. Whenever you're ready is so low. Whenever you're that fucking song I've been on. Ladies and gentlemen, we got him. Okay, whenever you're ready. Whenever you're ready is so low. Whenever you're ready, sweetie pie. Come on. He might as well have said sweetie pie. Whenever you're ready, sweetie pie. You recite the alphabet from start to finish without singing it?

Yeah. Okay. Without singing it? What's that all about? Whenever you're ready. Fuck that. No, I don't do that. I'll sing it.

A, B, C, D, E, F, G. Like this. D, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, M, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z. Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee. God, dude, my son would laugh so hard at what I just did. Here we go, here we go, here we go, here we go. Come on. Recite the alphabet from start to finish without singing it?

Yeah. Okay, whenever you're ready. ACB. Dude, that's like a character drunk. ACB. A-C, B. A, C, B. D, E, F, G, H, I, F, N, G. Ehhh.

H, I, F, N, G. She's just spelling words incorrectly. H, I, C, K, L, M, N, O, P, H, Q, E, F, N, G. Oh, dude, saying websites. telling words incorrectly. H-I-C-K-L-M-N-O-P-H-Q-E-S. Oh, dude, saying websites. Dude, she threw another H on the back end. And she threw another H on the back end. H-Q-E-S-I-T-E. Oh!

It's coity, she spelled. Dude, the cop just shoots her. Okay, alright. The way he said... Okay, alright, well, so you're going to jail for 25 years. Can you recite the alphabet from start to finish without singing it? Bro. Yeah.

Okay, whenever you're ready. A-C-B... So let's see what this is. A-C-B... D-E-F-G-S... A-C-B... D-E-F-G-S-E-H. S-C-H was three letters. A-C-H.

H-I-F-N-G. F-I-N-G. F-I-N-G. Thing. H-I-C-K. H-I-C-K. Hick. L-M-N-G. Thing. H-I-C-K. H-I-C-K. Hick. L-M-N-O-P.

L-M-N-O-P. There you go. If she got that wrong, that's the crazy run of the alphabet. If you get L-M-N-O-P wrong, you are brain dead. You're a vegetable. You're basically a chair. That's unbelievable if you get L-M-N-O-P. She got that right.

That's not saying much. Her blood alcohol level could be five. She'd still get L-M-N-O-P, right? Then it's Q-R-S. That's not saying much. She could be like, her blood alcohol level could be 5. She'd still get LMNOP, right? Then it's QRS. Let's see what she says. HQES. HQES, dude. A video game system.

Dark Knight available on everything except for HQES. HQES. HQES. HQES. So she's confirming. By the way, it is HQES. ITE. ITE.

Okay. All right. Okay. All right. Going to jail for 90 years. Dude, the fact that she thinks that the alphabet ends with E is unreal. Dude. Wow.

For real? Throw her under the jail. Bro, how many Hs? Well, so first thing is first, first thing, some errors forget, how many Hs are actually in the alphabet first so you can tell me? Please.

H-I-A-B-C-H-I-J-K-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-H-I-J-K-P-Q-H-I-J-K. Oh, man. Did we already play this Jumbotron thing on the sucking? I think we already did it. But it was so funny, dude. I think we did it on the Patreon episode. You fear the least. Fish. Animal.

What's the animal in this world that you fear the least? Fish. Animal. Fish. Don. Fish. Don't start. Don't. You're starting, and I'm not. A fish is an animal.

No, it's not. I'm talking about an animal animal, like a real animal. Fish. Fish, fish. Fish. No, you're not. Fish is animal. You're being hard-headed.

I'm talking about, that's like saying like an ant. That's not an animal. Idiot. Hey, hey, dude. Not everyone should have a podcast. You know? These guys shouldn't even be hanging out, let alone filming it.

Aren't animals. That's like a, that's a sea creature. Dude, that's the problem with podcasts. Now, is too many combinations of people are happening to where you're like well they shouldn't even be hanging out together people are just like i want to start a podcast oh you have a podcast yet i got one yeah but you don't know you got

time to do another one right yeah ah let's do's do it. What? It's a sea creature. A fish is an animal. You can't go to the zoo and see a fish. They don't have zoo fish. There's actually so many fishes. There's fish zoos? You can go to a fish zoo. No.

There's so many fish that they have their own attraction called an aquarium. No, they don't. No, that's. These guys have this. What's weird's these guys have this what's weird is these guys have the exact same voice um okay i don't know man you're can have a pet fish, so... Another action card for us to find, and it looks like a good one. The first thing to address is the gray pants, which tell us it's an away game.

And instead of looking at the jerseys, let's identify the stadium we're in, so we can see what team the A's are playing. This guy just evaluates baseball cards? Pictures of baseball cards? I was trying to link the Evan Williams brand to something, but obviously Kentucky doesn't have a pro team. The answer was actually right there all along. That would be the logo for Globe Life Field, home of the Texas Rangers.

Kemp played in nine games that Oakland was visiting the Rangers, and the jersey lineup looked like this. So we can eliminate all but two games. Now he's listed as a second baseman and an outfielder, so I thought this was a fly ball catch at first, somewhere maybe along the warning track. But thanks to this panoramic shot of the field we can see the entire outfield has a yellow stripe to indicate the dude this guy's just trying to find the day the baseball card was taken the day the baseball card picture was taken this guy dude there are too many people in the world when a guy can spend any amount of time deciding what day that i always did wonder that though when i would see baseball cards i'd be like

imagine you're doing it you don't even know what day that is like even if you're like you know hensley mullins or fucking howard johnson you still don't know right you'd be like i don't remember that game that's pretty fucking interesting. What, what, what, what? But this is, who the fuck? That's clearly not in the picture, so it looks like this is taken either near or in the foul territory. He was super busy in the July 23rd game,

but only had one pop-up to take care of. This guy looked at the fucking what happened. So this guy's going to catch a baseball. He's going to see what games out of two that he caught a baseball like that. Put a lead man on base. And Garcia goes after the first pitch. And that pop-up will be handled by Kemp. That one's just not even close.

So let's look at the... Line ninth matchup, where we get two defensive outs, but only one pop fly in foul territory. Here we go. Is it this one? That's the one. That's the one. That's the one. That was way more enjoyable Than I thought it would be

Wow this guy This guy needs to be Honestly He needs to work for the FBI How many times has he gone like this I'm way ahead of you But has only been watching the Blue Jays I'm way ahead of you

It was John Allred I'm way ahead of you it was john all rude i'm way ahead of you wow incredible um i need to take a break i need to put my plug my computer in it's gonna die i buy uh like clothes i got to plug my computer in so we cut a little bit sorry um i buy clothes and shit and like i i gotta i gotta stop buying clothes dude i have too many clothes and i think it's i don't think it's an addiction don't think it's an addiction. Well, everything with me is an addiction.

So, you know, goddamn, I can't stop playing Royal Match on my fucking phone now. Yeah. I mean, like, I'm doing, I was playing Royal Match. I literally had my phone. Calvin was on my shoulder looking at my phone with me. And Calvin says, Royal Match. And I guess he played before. And I was like, what does he want to play?

I downloaded it. and he started playing it, and then now, I can't stop playing Royal fucking Match. It's basically Candy Crush, I guess, because I never played Candy Crush, but Kristen was like, it's like Candy Crush, and I was like, shit, I never wanted to play Candy Crush. Anyway, I just like,

I'll play this game for like, at night, while we're trying to watch that fucking dog shit movie, Rebel Moon, and it's like, it's a great movie to watch, to watch rebel moon it's great movie to fucking do something else while you're watching it because i mean rebel moon was so bad i turned it off a half with with 20 minutes left you know how bad a movie has to be um anyway uh so i'm just like addicted to this fucking game now i gotta stop and i don't think i'm not i'm not addicted to buying clothes but i know that when i buy clothes this is crazy dude i'm a chick when i buy clothes i buy them because i want them and then after i buy them

and when i'm driving home i feel so fucking guilty and bad about it yes dude he's got deep issues bro i bought overalls haven't worn them yet. Yes! Bought them this summer. Yes! They were a hefty price. Fuck yeah! When I bought them I thought I'm gonna wear these without a shirt. Like I was the retarded guy in of my cementi.

Yes! these without a shirt like I was the retarded guy in of my cementi YESSS Dude like I'm trying to pet bunnies YESSS Fuck yeah dude I got overalls and I thought I wouldn't wear a shirt under them like I was about to kill some bunnies by mistake in a- with a bunch of hay around I YESSSS Fuck yeah I'm Lenny Or whatever the fuck with a bunch of hay around. Yes!

Fuck yeah, I'm Lenny! Or whatever the fuck. So, I bought the overalls and I felt bad and I got the overalls in my fucking closet and every time I pass by the overalls, I'm like, oh yeah, I bought those in Vegas. Dude, buying overalls in Vegas is like the fucking, I mean, dude, I don't even know how

to like buying overalls in Vegas. That's what I did. Well, that's creepy. Tell me more about that. I'm going to wear them one day and I'm going to fucking absolutely kill it, dude. I'm going to get a turtleneck. Not only that. And then I'm going to wear, I got to wear, you know what, dude?

I got that fucking, fucking sick tattoo of the Eagle on my chest, dude. Oh, fuck. Yeah. I didn't even have the tattoo when I got the overalls. Now I got the overalls. Fuck that, dude? I got that fucking, fucking sick tattoo of the eagle on my chest, dude. Oh, fuck yeah. I didn't even have the tattoo when I got the overalls. Now I got the overalls. Fuck that, dude. I'm gonna look sick with that on, man. Plus my shoulders are beefy. I did shoulders today. Oh, dude. Hey, yeah. Chris Lee doesn't do landmines. Okay, right. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. That must be AI because Chris Lee does landmines. Fucking dumb-dumb. Yeah, he doesn't do three different versions of them. Oh, yeah. Oh, that was AI then.

Did you check the hands? Did they look weird? Yeah, it wasn't Delia. Where was the thumb? On what side of the right hand? Yeah, it wasn't Delia. So anyway, I got to stop thumb on what side of the right hand yeah it was it wasn't the leah um so anyway i gotta stop because i also wear no matter how many clothes you have unless you're honestly a chick or brendan shob you wear the pretty much the same thing all the time you know

but i got these clips on instagram and tiktok it's like i want to wear different shit for the fucking clips because i don't want everyone to think that the fucking clips come from the same show what what a world we live in dude um so anyway dude i gotta stop buying clothes or do i my wife makes me feel totally okay about it i'm like bah fuck when i tell her i'm playing royal i played royal match too much today she says honey you're enjoying yourself i'm like dude who are you john lennon what do you mean sweetie you're enjoying yourself you're passing time if you're enjoying yourself it's fine yeah but i but i purchased in-app fucking like i i paid money to i did in-app purchases on this game

for what it's just it's it's absolutely like i probably spent 200 on royal match dude you know? I straight up, that's so, that's so whack. It's fun though. They're playing with loud toys. Is it okay? All right. I got toys.

I got kids in the background. Yeah. Just annoying to me, but luckily I could phase it out dude I'm a professional What is that Yo nothing's creepier than you're Sitting alone in your house Watching something

And I like to watch thrillers and horror movies And sometimes Kristen goes to bed before I do And I'm just watching this shit playing Royal Match And all of a sudden it'll be like Hello there from my fucking toy box And I'm just watching the shit playing Royal match. And all of a sudden it'll be like, Oh, hello there from my fucking toy box. And I'm like, nothing moved. What is it? Is it fucking? And I got to go find out which one it is. And it's not saying the shit when I'm looking for it. It's only saying the shit when I sit back down and I got fucking chips and guacamole and I'm eating. Yeah. I keep it lean, but sometimes, okay. Confession. I do eat chips and guacamole

and a brownie sometimes, but yeah, confession. I do eat chips and guacamole and a brownie sometimes. But yeah, man. I watched this one thing on Netflix called, it was about twins and it was a series. Man, Netflix will make fucking anything, dude. It was a documentary about, first of all, I looked at it, it said these twins are going to eat different things for three weeks or two months or something. about first of all i looked at it said these twins are going to eat different things for

three weeks or two months or something and uh and and then we're going to document the change in their bodies and i'm like oh that's interesting i go to the thing it's a fucking series and i'm like what how is this a series this should just 30 minutes. It shouldn't even be 30 minutes. Hey, here's Dave. Here's Frank. They're going to eat fucking different shit for two months. Cut to, it's been two months. Dave's a little fatter now.

But it's a fucking series. It's like eight episodes. They got a bunch of different twins from different walks of life. I get that. I understand. You got to have whites. You got to have black lesbians. And then you got to have like Asians.

And you got to have old guys. And you got to have young. And you know, you got to have different, you got to have gays and lesbians. Otherwise, it's not going to be a valid thing, even though sexuality has nothing to do with what you eat. And then I'm like,

and I'm like, I'm watching this thing. And I go, and I'm, as I'm watching it, I'm like,'m watching this thing And I go As I'm watching it I'm like they tricked me dude This is a whole series And I'm watching it and now all it's Basically doing is one of the twins goes vegan And one of the twins gets to eat meat So basically only one twin

Changes their fucking lifestyle Because the other twin just eats whatever the fuck they were gonna eat anyway They eat fucking pizza or burgers or whatever. And the other guy's like, I'll be fine with this lettuce. And so I'm on episode two and I'm like, dude, this whole thing is like a cover for like getting people to feel bad about the meat they eat. And so now I got to feel bad. I mean, like, you know, I didn't know farmed salmon can make you like

grow two dicks. Apparently farmed salmon is like one of the worst thing you could eat because they like, they breed where they shit. They don't clean where they shit. And it's like, then they get all sores on their bodies. And then you're eating the sores. You're eating the shit sores from the, and I'm like, oh God, I've got to think about this when I'm eating salmon. When it's like, dude, I just want to live in the matrix. I want to eat the meat and I want to think the meat tastes great. Even though it's just a bunch of ones and zeros.

I don't give a fuck. There's enough shit to worry about. I got kids, man. Right now I've got to worry about, is the shit sustainable? Is it nice? Is it good? Is it okay? Is it wild salmon? Which by the way, wild salmon sounds worse than farm salmon, but it's better because it's out in the wild. But you think about eating wild salmon, it sounds like something like mad cow disease. Regular salmon is what I want. Where are the salmons that are just chilling? We all know where they are. They're not that wild. And they're just kind of hanging out in whatever the, the,

the creeks version of a living room is, you know, farm raised chicken, forget it, eat it. You're getting cancer. When someday that's the worst time to get cancer. Someday. You don't even know when it's coming. If someone could be like, yo, you're going to get cancer 2056, you'd be like, all right, now I know when I'm going to get it. Time to fucking absolutely ball out until then.

But if you just know you're going to get it one day, and you are if you're eating farm chicken and farm salmon, and you are if you're eating farmed chicken and farmed salmon, and you are if you're not eating enough broccoli, and you are, you're getting cancer someday. Live with that worry. So now Netflix tricked me. I thought I was watching an interesting thing about twins eating, and I'm watching a thing about how bad meat is in the U.S. is eaten and I'm watching a thing about how bad meat is in the US. I had a chicken sandwich last night. The whole time I was thinking about that thing. I still ate the chicken sandwich and the chicken sandwich had fucking bacon on it. And mayo, which is made from, has eggs in it. And so that's, you know, it's like everything, the bun probably had butter on it, which is made from, has eggs in it. And so that's, you know, it's like everything, the bun probably had butter on it,

which is made from dairy and then fucking everything. Everything I was eating was cancer city, dude. Damn. It's really hard to not live in fear, huh? Ha ha. Ha ha. All good. Anyway, that's it, dude.

You guys, thank you for listening. That's the end of the YouTube episode. If you want to check out the rest of the episode, go to patreon.com slash chrisdalia and get the rest of the episode. And you can also get the... We do an episode a month that's only on Patreon. And there's like 40 of them out there now. So you can also get uh the we do uh an episode a month that's only on patreon and there's like 40 of them out there now so you can go just pay it's six bucks get to listen on

and or watch all of those uh episodes um and so sign up now we appreciate it also it's because of you guys on patreon that this podcast exists we love you we preach and and also I'll be in Sacramento and Phoenix and Brea and Kelowna and a bunch of different places, Corporates Christy, Houston, chrislea.com, Vancouver. I'll see you on the road soon. Alright guys, thanks, bye. Thank you.