Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 360. The Realness

Episode Date: January 18, 2024

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runk hey yo i'm gonna be in brea california coming up here january 18th and 19th and then phoenix arizona january 20th el paso texas albuquerque um new mexico colona bc vancouver bc i think colona is almost sold out vancouver is sold. And we added another show, February 10th, Rochester, New York, Kitchener, Ontario, Shreveport, Louisiana, Houston, Corpus Christi, Durham, Norfolk. And we're announcing a lot more soon. Crystalia.com, go on over there. They might be up now. Who knows? I recorded this a few days ago. But yeah, let me know where you're coming and then uh you can go check my uh new special crystalia.com go get it uh appreciate you and uh subscribe to our patreon

here at patreon.com slash crystalia and uh let's get into the next episode of congratulations it is january well right now it's january we call it a little behind the scenes it's we record january 15th oh i just realized i wore a sweatshirt that's amazing because it's going to be too hot. It's going to be too hot in about three minutes. And that's amazing. And I realized that I'm going to have to take this off in the middle of the podcast. And then I realized my shirt's going to be, the shirt that I'm wearing under it is an undershirt. It's too small.

But it's okay, dude. Maybe you'll see your boy juiced up. You'll see me juiced up. I don't do steroids. So stop with that. But I will if my wife lets me. So she doesn't want me to do it. I don't do drugs, dude. I'm straight up drug free. I'm drug free and I'm sucker free in 2024. That's what we are. Is it 2024? Wow. That's crazy. I don't really know the date anymore ever since I didn't go to school. Uh, and that's just kind of how it's going to be

for this 43-year-old man. I did shows in Sacramento. We did two shows. It was very fun. Sacramento came out, did that little Crest Theater there. It's a good theater. You know, theaters are interesting, right?

Because either they're from 1905 and they're historic and they're beautiful and great. And what they lack in modernity is that, that's not a word, but modern modern, whatever the word is, modernness, I guess. Moderna is the drug is the shot. What it lacks in being modern is it makes up for in beauty and, you know, history, I guess. you know history i guess okay and and then there are state-of-the-art theaters that were built like since 2021 and you play those and what they lack in character they make up for by like well you know you can play either 3 000 or 5 000 depending on if we hit this button or not and let the walls open up and look at the lighting and look at the way we have everything all dialed in. And, you know, and, oh, and by the way, all the door frames are the right size. So you don't hit your head

because people were four feet in 1990 and 19, in 1900, people were four feet in 1990. And, and so you'll go to play some of these theaters that are historic, that are cool. And, you know, look, I'm all about the new shit. Always. I'm always about the new shit. Like classic cars. Get out of here. Need Bluetooth.

Oh, really? Oh, it's a classic car? Or is it just a jalopy? Yeah. Oh, it looks nice. Oh, was it made right? Okay. But it wasn't, though, was it? Because we're the cup holders, right? Was it made nice oh was it made right okay but it wasn't though was it because we're the

cup holders right was it made nice yeah okay but also does it have a key fob where you could just hit the button and the doors unlock oh it doesn't so was it made right i get it it looks nice but also in a way does it right yeah it doesn't look like it was meant on a factory line but okay but you know so whatever um so some of these theaters are beautiful and they're and they got a lot of character and they're great and they're uh and then you bonk your heads because the doorways are too small always do it with these old theaters. By the way, they should have fucking known. In 1910, they should have known that people were getting bigger, period. You know, it's not like they should have allowed it to be.

What really is crazy is how many doorways built before 1950 are so small. When it's like, dude, you knew people were getting bigger. And you knew this was going to be around for a while. So sup. Um, but here I am in like a theater in Oklahoma or whatever the fuck in Virginia, just I'm walking out with welts and bruises on the top of my head because the fucking doorways are too small. And yeah, I'm a tall drink of water. I get it. But still, dude, we should just make doorway from now on. Don't even make

doorways. Just make garage openings. You don't know how big we're going to get before we have to all colonize in Mars. There's no doorways there, are there? No, no. Because they know what's up. We're going to be there and we're going to be fucking walking around. There's no doorways.

Everything's a big doorway there on Mars because there's no doorways i mean everything's a big doorway there on mars because there's no rooms but anyway um then there are theaters that are the so they're the state of the art theaters and there are nice theaters that were built in 1910 or 20 that are like haven't been upkept and are shitty and they pretend like they're historic venues and it's like no just burn it down make a new one and i'm not going to say if the Crest Theater is one of those or not but what I am saying is historic venues like the Ryman are beautiful

so anyway but every time you go to one of these theaters there's that guy that's just like yeah this is it, this is when they brought in the they had the original performance of Grease here for three months It's just like, yeah, this is it. This is when they brought in the, they had the original performance of Grease here for three months and the town had a, they thought it was too risque, so they had a protest

and this is where one of the protesters died and you're like, can I just get on stage and tell my dick jokes, dude? Can I just start talking about cargo pants into a microphone? But anyway, I seem ungrateful i'm not i'm grateful for all the gigs i'm grateful for everybody that wants to talk to me uh and uh and you're allowed to have bad days and that's it dude i i actually when i do the meet and greets i sell 100 tickets

for meet and greets and those go quick by the way people always hit me up i see them on the instagram comments and stuff like do you how come you don't do meet and greets i do meet and greets but they all sell out in like a minute when I go on sale because those are the tickets that get sold quickest because the people who want to do a meet and greet are the people who buy the tickets the quickest because they know what my schedule is because they're fans of mine. So I do meet and greets. And I'll tell you what, man, I meet a lot of really nice, sweet people on meet and greets. Some people with bad breath, you know, some people just stink straight up and some people smell very nice. Some people are so sweet and caring. Some people would be my friends. Some people I think,

well, that's interesting. That person likes me. I wouldn't think that person likes me or my comedy, but I'll do a meet and greet and, um, and it's nice. nice and and sometimes i see the pictures online that the people post from the meet and greets and i'm like oh shit man i gotta work on my face because i'm not in a bad mood sometimes i'm not in a bad mood and then i see a picture of me and i like and i'm like oh i gotta work on my face because this is how i am totally happy but this is how i am look look this is me getting a this is me getting a check thrilled don't look it i don't really ever know what my face is doing maybe that means i'm a bad actor i'm'm a good actor though, so I don't get it.

So anyway, I'm in the middle of watching this documentary, the fall of Minnesota, and it's just like, it's trying to, like, it's just trying to push me further. I'm in the middle of the fall of Minneapolis, or whatever it's called, fall of Minnesota, fall of Minneapolis. I never know which one's the city and which one's the state because don't have the main city in your state. Start with the first half of what the state name starts with. Right. Right.

And the worst culprit is New York, New York, and then New York, New York, at least in a way it's the best because you can't really be wrong. You know, I'm from New York. Oh, New York, New York, New York. Oh, New York. New York? New York. Oh, New York. I meant to state, but yeah, New York, New York. I'm from the actual city.

So yeah, it works both ways. You wouldn't, you know, Minneapolis, Minnesota is crazy. It's like if there was a, it's like if Los Angeles was called California. Like California. California or California. I'd get mixed up. So Minneapolis, Minnesota, Minnesota. Anyway, um, I'm watching the fall of minutes, Minneapolis, and And I don't want to be pushed. Dude, I'm like you, man. I'm just a guy with a job.

I'm just a dude. I'm just an American dad. I'm a dad with two boys lovely wife got property you know cut me i bleed i hate that saying you know that that one was that's i was watching a day line until one of the people said you you know you cut me i bleed i turn off i mean i keep morrison can handle it i'm not watching you caught her she bleeds and um you caught her she bleeds and uh so i'm watching this fall in minnesota minneapolis you guys if you don't know what it is it's about George Floyd Derek Chauvin case or whatever the fuck

Chauvin Chauvin Chauvin and you know there's that whole narrative in the media where it's like you put the you know he had his knee on him and he choked him and I'm like whole narrative in the media where it's like you put the, you know, he had his knee on him and he choked him.

And I'm like, OK, why would the media lie about this? If this was the thing, why would politicians lie about this? You know, if this was the thing, why would they do that? And then I'm like, but wait a minute, but I'm watching this thing, the fall of Minneapolis. And I'm just like. Hold on a second. The guy, the guy who fucking did the autopsy, why were they trying to cover up that fucking fentanyl in his system?

Great, he kept fentanyl pills in his mouth and cracked them open. Great. He wanted to hide the drugs in his mouth, and then the cops shook him around a little bit, and then they broke, and then he died from fentanyl. Great. Oh, shit. drugs in his mouth and then the cops shook him around a little bit and then they broke and then he died from fentanyl grape oh shit and i'm like i don't want to be far far i'm dude i'm a guy with here's the thing and and you know i used to think about this like does the government need to tell us everything and i'm like no because like they're not gonna anyway so who gives a fuck i got my two boys and wife and i'm cool i'm chilling and friends and loved ones

but it's like dude if you're gonna lie that hard about something or try and control narrative or use someone's death to try and you know and look i don't know the truth i don't know that fucking thing uh that i watched could be could they could be lying i have no idea that's the fucking thing dude god i hate i don't like watching stuff anymore because it's like you don't know what the truth is maybe i shouldn't even be talking about this i'm sure they'll like you know say this is misinformation or something i'm not which i'm saying i don't know i'm saying i don't know i don't know 75 of his arteries were blocked

Jesus Christ and they're saying that But I'm just saying dude You know what I mean you have pre-existing heart condition It's just like I know Dude they didn't release the body cam footage Until way later after the trial I know but it's just like I know dude But I'm just saying why couldn't

we see the body cam footage and why couldn't it be admitted in the courts why couldn't do it why couldn't the fucking jurors see the body cam body cam footage it must be behind something i'm just saying all good i know dude i shouldn't be saying it. But it's not me. I'm not even the mouth. What's a mouthpiece? What do they say when they say that? I'm not the whistleblower. Dude, whistle bimbo.

Blow the whistle. Ooh, dude. But it's just like, come on, man. Jesus. Anyway, let's get off this shit because i don't want the conspiracy oh some conspiracies i don't want the nut job you know what i mean it's like i did go to the gym you know what how fucking hardcore i am this is how i'm gonna tell you something dude i'm an insecure person and that's okay everyone has their insecurities that's all

good it's fine some days i wake up and i think wow i'm looking handsome some days i wake up you I'm going to tell you something, dude, I'm an insecure person and that's okay. Everyone has their insecurities. That's all good. It's fine. Some days I wake up and I think, wow, I'm looking handsome. Some days I wake up, you know, the next day I'll wake up and I'll think I'm a, I'm an ugly piece of shit. Fuck this. Right? Whoops. Hey, dude, I, you know, get a little real, but Hey, not, Hey, well, who's that?

Oh, hi. Realness is at the door. And I didn't, I don't, you know what I mean? I'm just chilling. But I, some days I wake up, didn't, you know what I mean? I'm just chilling. But some days I wake up, I look in the mirror and I go, I'm ugly as fuck. Even worse than that, I'll take a shower, get ready, put on an outfit. I'm ugly as fuck. Oh, shit.

Hello. It's realness. I know. And I don't want it to be. Right? I'd love to live in the Matrix. So many fuzzies on this fucking thing. I'd love to.

I'd love to. I'd love to live in the Matrix. But he can't. When he looks in the mirror some days He goes hello who is it realness You're ugly oh fuck dude How ugly am I You're just a regular dude You're a blob of flesh

Hello realness here oh fuck Hello realness you're the color of fucking You're almost translucent Hey who's that Hey realness get back here Oh you don't want me. You don't want me. You don't even like the last stuff I said. See you later. All right. See you realness. Why don't you show up when I'm handsome? You're not handsome. And so, you know, I'll walk downstairs and I'll tell my wife, look, I'm having an ugly day, and she says, don't say that, you're handsome, and I go, that makes it worse, dude, so why do

I even bring it up, hey, he's just as insecure as the next guy, but I'm at the gym the other day, and this is how hardcore I am, okay, I'm at the gym the other day, and this is how hardcore I am, okay? I'm at the gym the other day, and this is how hardcore I am. All right? He was also just getting over COVID. I know, dude, but it's just like, and it was the first strain. Oh, Jesus. But I'm just saying, right? You know the first strain took some people out.

But all I'm saying is, not me, that was about the earlier fall of Minneapolis. But what I'm saying is, here's how hardcore I am. Okay? I was at the gym. And I'm getting,

I'm going to tell you right now, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting beefy. All right? Yeah. Okay. I said it. All right. People, they come up to me, they go like this. Hey, what's up, Chris? Wow, dude. That's what they do. And I'm not in control of what other people do. All right. So I'm just reporting on the mouthpiece here. Okay. I'm telling you what people do when they come to me. Hey, Chris. Oh, wow. I didn't know you were like this. Oh, you're, you're stacked like a shit brick house, this oh you're you're stacked like a shit brick house right brick shit house whatever the fuck it is i always fuck that up but you know yeah the shoulders go on for days and yeah the fucking you

know i'm working out my shoulders yo check out how hardcore i am man i don't even want to say this but i'm doing landmines yeah right, but I'm doing landmines, yeah Right, I am, I'm doing landmines I'm taking the fucking weights And I'm pushing them up And I'm pushing them up And I keep adding weight And whoopsie daisy, right?

I do, I keep doing that, right? I'm in the zone, dude I'm in that fucking Don't let me into my zone Don't let me into my zone Don't let me into my zone I'm way past that part of the song. I'm in the zone.

Song's almost over. And I'm doing it, you know, pushing it up at the landmine. Boom. Pull my back. How hard, Chris? So hard. How much does it hurt it's painful so i go huh i got i put it down i go hmm you know when you pull your back so hard you're doing something and there's people around and you're like i don't want to look like a bitch

but also who gives a fuck you know because i'm like ah today i woke up and i felt handsome but tomorrow i might wake up and be a fat blob of shit so i put the weight down and i go like this maybe because one time i went to the gym and i was and i started with box jumps and i went to go jump i i started with it. I took the fucking box out. I go, hey guys, I check into the gym. Okay, cool. Pull the box out, jump on the box, pull it back immediately, get off the box and just go home.

So I was like in the gym for like four minutes and it's so obvious that a guy hurt himself, you know, like I was 38. Hey guys, how's it going? Just have no idea in two minutes. I'm going to be like, see you guys. So every now and then you pull your, and I use my core, bro. I tighten it up,

pull the muscle and I go like this. I can either let this get to me or I can legit pretend like it didn't happen. Because that's what I do with problems sometimes. Are you a man like me? Hey, you got a problem? Oh, yeah? No, you don't.

Fixed it. Right? Yeah? Are you like me? Hey, hey, dude. Oh, no, here comes a problem. on a second no do i have a problem no i don't oops fixed it stuff's good now so

you can do that with any problem, by the way, right? You can do that with any problem. And they say that those were crazy people, I guess, right? Like say your wife dies or husband dies, and then you just pretend you go, oh my God, so sad. And you go, you know what? I don't want to handle that. Actually, they didn't die.

And they're, oh, that's a crazy person, right? Yeah, but that's fine. You can be a crazy person, but whoops, fixed the problem. Least you feel good. Who's crazy now? Pain's gone. If you're that good, if you're that good, right? I mean, we trick ourselves with all sorts of shit.

You know, we trick ourselves with all sorts of shit, you know? We trick ourselves with all sorts of shit. Like I said, I mean, not all the time is realness at the door. Sometimes realness is at the window, like, why won't you let me in? And you're looking in the mirror and you're like, I don't see me being a fat ball of a shit, but you know secretly you are, but the realness is outside and they can't open up the window. They can't even get through the chimney. Because we're convincing ourselves that we're handsome. So if it's a problem that your fat blob is shit, and you can't take that, either start working out or don't let the realness in.

Think about the problem and then go wait a minute i don't have that and all of a sudden whoops fixed it i'm good now like they had it down in the 40s and 50s you know remember how we don't talk about that in his family how's the weather right that kind of shit it might have been better back then look i get it things were worse back then but also now we got all this mental health and everyone's a victim no matter what is oh tell me how you feel dude the other day my son says i have a boo boo i need a band-aid he says that so much dude the other day i said let me see the boo boo it was just a little bit pink on his on his foot and i said you're not getting a band-aid you're okay just relax look I got one too he's like don't you

want a band-aid I go nah because sometimes if you have a problem no I don't. Oops, fixed it. So anyway, I mean, I go off on such hard tangents that I don't even remember what I was talking about. Now I do. Okay. I'm at the gym. I pull my back. Hey, Chris, how hard did you pull it? So hard.

Put the weight down, walked over to the water fountain. I'm so hardcore, I didn't even drink water, okay? I was kind of just sauntering. And I always have a purpose at the gym. But guess what I did? I decided I could either go home and fix this problem or not address it and fix this problem. So you know what he did? Me? He went back and he finished his reps. He went back and he finished his reps. Slow and controlled, baby.

Did it hurt? Yeah. But dude, I just tightened my core up a little bit harder. And did I think I was doing more body, more damage to my body? Yes. But was I convincing myself that it was the right thing to do? Because no matter what, my body was going to get healed. Even if I did keep working out or didn't keep working out. Yes, I did convince myself of that. And was it true? Yes, it was. And is my back still pulled?

Yes, but it's only three days later and it'll be okay tomorrow and I'll probably start to do some slow and controlled movements at the gym. Yes, dude. Hello, realness, because realness works both ways. My body's not telling me what to do. The government's not telling me what to do. Nobody's telling me what to do but me, dude. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I just thought about? And I love this podcast, you know.

But I just thought about, like I had a flash in my head just right then of me as a 90-year-old in this room doing this and like saying the same kind of stuff only even more because that's the problem isn't it you just become too much too much too much too much too much and unless you have a reckoning or the shit hits the fan or you you know you lose some loved ones or your friends backstab you you just become this crazy version of yourself, you know? And I've always said this, but that's why, you know,

Al Pacino in some movies, he's just, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah. And you're just like, all right, well, no director told him to shut it off. You got to have the fact checkers, dude. You gotta have the people in the corner that are outside ready to knock on your door. So, if I'm 90 and I'm still spouting this bullshit, I hope it's at least this shit. I hope it's this shit. I hope it's a version of this and not

you got to keep your fucking loved ones around you man you got to be able to feel that know you like i know yes men for people in hollywood and shit and these hollywood people just become fucking assholes you know then again it's all perception i mean i took a picture with a fucking fan the other day and then saw it online and i looked like i was like in the most miserable moment of my life and i was like legit happy to like talk to this person so it is what it is let's get into some other shit i mean i know i'm getting some of these i mean this episode is i like it you know don't get me wrong i fucking think it's hardcore but it's hard you know it's the hardcore episode but like explore with the bliss drift tailored travel

guidance follow at bliss underscore drift bliss underscore. Go to my page if you want to purchase a 10-word ad or shout out holler.baby slash Chris D'Elia. Who's this Bevo guy? Beavis Brandon. I got sent this stuff the other day, or today. And the guy is a you it says you know the rules who is this guy oh man dessert bevo ed matthews no come on dude these are the the most British guys of all time.

These guys couldn't look more British. The Bevo guy, I'm assuming Bevo is the one with the goatee because of his face, and that's who would be called Bevo. Big up the Essex boys. We're going for one bite. Not one bite. We'll have to do two.

But what we got here? We got brownie and ice cream. Yeah, yeah. This is from Georgian Dragon. Big up the Georgian bite. Not one bite. We'll have to do two. But what have we got here? We've got brownie and ice cream. Yeah, yeah. This is from George and Dragon. Big up to George and Dragon. George and Dragon. Wow, let's rate this out of 10, yeah? Big up to brownie.

Okay, man. Stop saying big up to brownie, first of all. And you didn't even eat it yet, you know? Fumbling with it so hard and big up. Well, you say big up after you eat it, huh? Big up, Ed Matthews. Big up, Ed. Big up the boxing.

Wait, what have we got? James! Ah! after you eat it huh big up Ed Matthews big up Ed big up the boxing big up James

ah nice oh that's banging that went down and got it well come back on camera I don't do two takes

oh dude first of all oh my god come up come back on camera I don't do two takes the ego

oh my god, come up. Come back on camera. I don't do two takes. The ego. Oh my God. Come in camera. Go on. What were you writing out of 10? It's banging, bro. That's nice. With your ice cream, it goes well. No, it's very curious.

I just know how to get down to go. Bro, bro. Hey, hey, hey, guy. Hey, guy laughing. It's get down to go. Bro, bro, hey, hey, hey, guy. Hey, guy laughing. It's not funny to eat. Guy can't stop laughing because it tastes good. The dumbest guy alive. Oh, shit, my taste buds is going.

I'm absolutely losing it. Yeah, you only need to chew it twice. I'm not guessing. That is nice. That is very nice. That is sticky, isn't it to chew it twice. Anyway, I'm not guessing. That is nice. That is very nice. Big up, Ed Matthews. That is sticky, isn't it? Nice and tender.

Treat me to a nice dessert. Big up, the roast dinner. Cheers, yeah, come on. Come on. I don't chew a lot. That's just me, isn't it? Let's finish it off in our right, yeah? Oh, no. Dude, there's a minute more of this i'm treating him to a chip shop saturday savloy chips you know the rules big up oh dude the first

one he was wearing a burberry shirt and this one he's wearing a Givenchy shirt that's so awesome and the other guy's there and he's already about to laugh and he's got a hot dog and fucking French fries. You know? Don't have to review it. Yeah, have you had Savoy before? Nah, bro. First time. First time.

What, we trying this, yeah? Go on, then. You know? Sweet as... Dude, British people will start the conversation in the middle of the conversation. You know? Straight up. This is how a British conversation starts.

What we doing now then, innit? What we doing now then? What? Were we deciding something? What we doing now, innit? Hey. What's the thing he's doing What we doing now, isn't it? Cheers! Hey. What's the thing he's doing

before he eats it for the first time? Cheers? Dude. This guy looks honestly like a Backstreet Boy with a filter on his face. Bro. Why is it funny to eat? Bro Why is it funny to eat Why is flavor

Fucking gut bustingly hilarious I've got the ketchup Big up the ketchup You know the rules What are the rules Big up the ketchup You know the rules Dude imagine being a person that says big up to

ketchup you know what i'm saying man it's sauce ketchup don't care if you big it up or not all over yeah i'm teaching him well. All over, yeah? I'm teaching him well. Wow, dude. I wonder if they're aware of what they're saying, honestly. Let's have another go on that sabre. I'm still chewing.

He's still chewing. He's slacking. Oh, oh, man. A banging, though. Anchoring chips. Savoy, eight out of ten. You got the one-punch bags. One-punch bag with the mozzarella sticks in. Let's have one each, yeah?

What do you make the Savoy, though? Three, mate. Three. You don't like Savoys. Mozzarella stick, bit of ketchup. In one, mate. Free. You don't like Subway's. What's realistic? Bit of ketchup. In one, mate, with that.

Every time this guy eats, he laughs. That's funny. Why is that funny? That's one. That's nice. That's mine.

Bro, these guys are incredible. Okay, I'm going to watch another one. Dinner. You know the rules. Big up the hangover. No, come on.

Beef. Roast dinner. Beef, whatever. Listen, we got beef. They are. There's so much beef. I know what they are. So much beef.

We got pizza blankets. We got a Yorkshire pudding. Peas, peas, potatoes, parsnips. So British, dude. We've got peas,

potatoes. We've got a weird hat someone might wear. And we've got a guy with bad breath. Here we go. We know the rules. Pick up. Brussels sprouts, but split up.

So British. And a tomato for no reason. just over here in my pocket. All right, here we go. This, you know the rules as well. Jamaican style, big up the Levi Roots team. I actually rate this and we've got none left, so I'm going to have to go to the shop. Levi, sort your man out.

It doesn't even have enough, you know. Just all the way at the bottom. I should have left it upside down. Anyway, here we go, innit? Doesn't have enough dude all right let's get into this just write everything out uh whatever that is i keep forgetting brussels sprout i've saved him very well this guy's a chipmunk. Dude, the way he swallows and his hair shakes. And he's like this. Cock in the back of his throat, you know?

Right here. Very nice. They cut up. They're banging. Seven out of ten. Pigs in blanket. Sorry, Aggie, again. You know the rules.

out of 10 pigs in blanket sorry i get again you know the rules dude the way he's swallowing man i wish i could hang out with this guy god this is seasoned very well pick up the personal chef aka the dad seven out of ten on that uh beef well that's not that good dude seven out of ten on that. Beef. Well, that's not that good, dude. Seven out of ten is not good. That's just absolutely mental. It's amazing. Wow, fuck. Big up, man. This is so fucking unbelievable.

Let's give it a three. Oh, look at this. This is good. Oh, look at this. Big up to who made this. This is fucking unbelievable. Oh, let's give it a four. Let's put a sauce on it and make it better.

Oh, it's so much better with the sauce on it. All right, let's give it a two. Let's give that with a two. You put the sauce. Oh, it's fucking amazing, isn't it? It's a four, and then you put a sauce on it, make it better. Ah, it's so much better with the sauce on it. Alright, let's give it a two. Let's give that with a two. You put the sauce... Ah, it's fucking amazing, innit? It's a four, and then you put the sauce on it. Ah, now it's a one. That's amazing. Put more sauce on it. Let's just try and chew this. What do you mean? Let's just try and chew this.

What do you mean? Just beef hanging out of his mouth, dude. Hey, hey dude get rid of the mic you know ew just so just got out of the shower too i can spend a whole episode on this motherfucker. Mad chewie. Mad chewie. Still nice though.

Seven out of ten. Come on. Come on. Come on, dude. I know you're laughing at home. Oh, it's fucking mad nice. The way he chews, it's like... Just swallowing. Oh, it's fucking mad nice the way he chews like just swallowing like oh it's fucking too chewy isn't it mate oh fuck seven out of ten looking well

york shit we gotta rip a bit off this shit looks so bad honestly honestly this plate looks abhorrent it looks such it's a travesty. It's so gross, dude. If you're at your friend's house and they brought this out, you'd be like, oh, fuck, I should have not stayed over for dinner.

It's down to George here. Seven out of ten. Oh, bro, you gotta be fucking kidding me. Let's get right into that now another thing i mean didn't chew that one very seasoned very nice seven out of ten i think that's it bro no creativity I mean I'll parson it I'll parson it let me guess

let me guess let me guess I'll snap off big up but listen big up the hangover beef dinner overall

7 no I'll give it an 8 I'm not ready dude everything was a 7 I was giving it an eight i'm not ready dude everything was a seven what big up buying over big up the eight acting on the dinner gonna go live make sure to come over catch you in the next one how is this guy real oh i love this guy

hold on let's look at oh egypt lunch why this guy travels how many followers yeah oh he has a million point one followers let's see what we got oh burger king all right let's see lunch you know the rules this and we've got a more part we got chips it comes with a lot of money. It was dear I Think it's like 10 pounds for a meal Very close for the look of that last time I broke it was in Turkey So big up Burger King being up the Turks big up shop on New Year's Day

We got your new year. We should hit a meal as well. So big up the mini. Let's get into it. I Mean dude, it's just Burger King not bad not bad I like the slime grills the slime grill cooking is good

why does he swallow like that his hair bounces so much when he swallows not bad not bad 7 out of 10 chips bro so much when he swallows. Not bad, not bad. Seven out of ten.

Chips. Bro. That guy's amazing. Seven out of ten. Well, I mean, you can't argue with it, right? What a great guy on the internet. I love... I guess he...

Who's the other guy you were talking about? Is he on here? What the fuck is this guy? This dance? This is real? Wait, what? Is this guy a wacky inflatable? Oh my god.

Who's this by? Hell Yeah Vids, you know? How does he do that? That's the illest shit ever. Fuck, Bobby Brown who? Did you put it on the guy? Super, oh yeah, Super Wow, here we go. Here we go, this guy's like the new Salt Bae or whatever.

Oh my God, the name, dude. Mr. Super Wow, Abdul Slamazloud. Okay, la maz was lewd okay whatever let's see anyway let's see what he's got here oh the new salt bay dude mini bay wait no hold on a second i mean this guy's just salt bay only ready mini bay Mini-bay. Oh. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no, the smile, dude.

Oh, no, dude. Fed another man. Is this guy 2'11"? Because he's not a midget. He's just small as shit. I mean, did absolute bullshit. If he was tall, no one would care. See, that's the thing about this. Fucking dude.

Super wow. Is this guy... Is Mini Bay. Let's look at another one. Oh, man. Oh, God. Here comes another. This one has a disclaimer on it.

Don't attempt. Oh, he's got a machete, dude. He's got the thing that fucking the guy uses to scar his chest on the in the movie predator before the fucking predator kills him it's on a knife i mean has such ocd now he's flaming it up. Is this his restaurant? Or is it just some guy they hire? The coffee is strong, right? Yes.

It's fucking baklava, right? Give me the food. Okay, here's me. Yeah, just give it. You should have cooked it already while it was in there. Don't put flames on it. Oh my god, doing nothing. Oh my god, doing nothing.

The worst. Oh god, give it to me, dude. I can't with that shit, honestly. Small mozzarella sticks with marinara? Yeah, small mozzarella sticks with marinara? And a small chili cheese tot? Yeah, the small chili cheese tot? Is that right?

Yes, and then a large fry. A large fry? A large fry? Dude. And then a large pepper pepper. Dude, I would be shitting my pants if a guy did this. I'd be laughing so hard. A large ice water. Yeah.

And then a medium root beer. Yeah, you said a medium-sized root beer? Yeah. Bro, this is funny. That'll be all. Does that look correct on your screen? Yes. So it's going to be 2018?

Okay. That's really good, dude. Man, that makes me laugh. Oh, I love shit like that. The guy's being so dumb. Oh, the drive-thru guy just fucking kept doing question marks. Have a good day? Oh, I love that kind of shit.

That's why I love the fuck, man. If you had a regular job, you know how funny it would be if you did shit like that? I'm a comedian, so I'm supposed to be funny, I guess. But, man, that kind of shit. This guy's going to gonna get fired for sure 100 there's no question right dude the other day kristen was like we did a thing we did i did uh i said something funny and she was like um or you gotta write that down for the podcast and i I said, okay. And I didn't. And she said, are you writing it down? And I was like, no. And she said, why not? And I said, cause I don't know. I just don't feel like it. And she was like, but it's funny. And I said, yeah, I just, I don't know. And then she said, but you never write stuff down for the podcast. And I said,

no, sometimes I do. And I don't know. I don't think it wants to, I don't, I don't want to write that down right now, I guess. And she's like, but you're going to forget it. And I said, can I be honest with you? And she said, yeah. I said, I don't want to talk about that on the podcast. He says, you don't. And I said, yeah. She said, why? I said, cause I don't think it's that funny. Isn't that wild? I think that's wild. I need to be more honest like that. I didn't want to, and that's okay. Right? Fuck it.

And here it is. I lasted 46 minutes. I'm sweating my balls off. Here we go. Taking the shirt off. Taking the shirt off. Showing my tattoos. Anyone know what that's from?

Leave it in the comments. Taking my shirt off. Showing my tattoos. There we go. Shirt's too small, but he's beefed out, so it's okay. Oh, God. Oh, I sweat. I feel so much better.

Dude, I'm fucking pretty cool with my fucking tattoos. I need to get more tattoos, dude. I need to get more tattoos. What are we doing here? It's awards season. I saw... I don't watch it. You know what?

Awards season... Dude, there shouldn't be awards, man. Who cares who the best whatever was? Unless it's... No, you know what? There shouldn't be awards. And I'll tell you why because even when it's based off of is the right word meritocracy you already know who won like it's the best guy best one whatever you already know who won Like the best skier

You know who won they were the quickest Or did all the moves right It's not left to interpretation So you should either not have awards Because it's left to interpretation Which is bullshit because we all know that the Oscars And everything like that is Just a bunch of handshaking motherfuckers

Together picking what they want Or Or it's just based off of who actually won and you don't need an award because you already know you won. Oh, I ran the fastest. Here's your award. Don't need it. Ran the fastest know that. And everyone else knows that that's my award. why do i need a physical thing to put on my mantle so it's like just be gone with the awards and then they got because they got golden globes they got emmys they got critics choice they got the sag awards they got it's like dude make at least make one that is the only one and then you had the critic choice choice awards and then chelsea

handler put a jab to joe coy which was fucking bullshit that's so like they went out together you know and then she just pulls that jab afterwards like oh yeah and i'd like to thank my writers on that one because they wrote that one and it's just like that was kind of whack she did that not classy i guess but i don't know comedy isn't really it's like people don't want to be classy at all period because they want to just get the clicks you know what i'm saying it's all about relevance like after this cat williams shit the guy's got the highest selling shit now tour all of his stuff is back on the algorithm and everything it's crazy all because he just talked shit a bunch about a bunch of people and like where where i hate when people

say this but like where i come from and i don't mean like physically and geologically but like in my mind state like unloading the clip on a bunch of motherfuckers and like doing it just It's so whack to me. Because it's like, you do fucked up shit too. You know? I don't know. Dude, how funny was it that Corey Holcomb said the thing about stealing jokes was hilarious? It was so funny, dude.

Let's see if I can look it up corny holcomb god this guy makes me laugh here wait hold on this is so funny is this it how long is it? How long is it? God, this is funny. Yeah, it's a minute long. Should be it. God damn it. How am I not signed in? Always not signed in.

All right, here we go. But dude, this is so funny. Everything you said, Jay, yes. Like, somebody on here said it's not fair. No, play it. Why does this happen? But I don't... Hold on, you guys you guys gotta hear this it's so funny youtube actually i just have it on my phone let me just play it somebody sent it to me

ah the comedy community you you know? This is funny, though. What is it? Just... Here we go, here we go, here we go. Glad that a cat went on club Shay Shay where a lot of motherfuckers gotta explain shit. You stole jokes, you stole jokes. Listen, 90% of comedians steal jokes.

Cat stole J.B. Smoove joke and did it on his special. It's the joke with the music. Too many comics know what I'm saying is straight. I done stole a joke before. This the truth. jokes cat stole jb smooth joke and did it on his special it's the joke with the music too many comics know what i'm saying is straight i just stole a joke before this the truth i stole a nigga from columbus ohio the nigga name was steven g my people basically borrow and they kind of like i stole his joke one day and i remember his joke, and I did it. And they paid me $500. So, Steven G., get up with me, homie. I'm going to give you 500-plus interest.

I swear this is the truth. I took a nigga joke before. We can't have a motherfucker just telling on everybody if you ain't finna stand on who you are. If you a nigga who telling on niggas and putting everybody else shit out there, and you be doing the same shit, ain't nobody going to you they're gonna be like oh hell no nigga everybody you'll be doing that shit you get what i'm saying so that's what i'm trying to say if you really gonna be the shepherd of men we gonna step back and respect you because you polarizing my nigga niggas love cat williams you're a little nigga all them little niggas people like them my nigga cat listen you could stand up and be something that people

really motherfucking be like okay but see you also gotta remember us niggas in the comedy streets glad that a cat went on club that's funny's funny, bro. That made me laugh. Because it's like, dude. Wow, that made me laugh. Look at that. Here we go. Misconnections. Here, let's do some misconnections.

It's been a long time since I did misconnections. Here's a hinge connection. It says, hinge connection, Los Angeles. Looking for someone down to twirl and do tricks with i mean so weird preferably named amanda would love to scheme and get up to hijinks with you why doesn't that gotta be fucking amanda dude kinks are crazy weird huh like you just and if and if your name's amanda forget it here's another one missing my biker buddy covina wow that sentence makes complete sense all of it chubby guy used to go down on my biker friend after his rides looking for new buddy chubby guy used to go down on my biker friend after his rides wow Chubby guy used to go down on my biker friend after his rides.

Wow. Wow. If you're the other guy and you're gay, that's pretty cool, I guess, for you. I'm going to go for a ride, get sucked. I'm going to go for a ride and get all sweaty, wear my balls on and get sucked. Here we go. Another one. Let's watch Monday Night Football, Gardena. 42-year-old male missing my friend who would just kick back and watch football with me.

I have refreshments. Sad. Non-sexual. Dude. Eh? Suh? Sad. Here's another one.

Looking for a lady to eat out. Ride offered. I mean, LA to San Francisco. Jesus! here's another one looking for a lady to eat out ride offered i mean la to san francisco jesus you come over to me i come over to you or we can do it in my car single white male is here in good shape what's the ride la to sf is crazy that's five hours of what pulling what's longer than that because you're pulling over to do some munching, you know? What do you think? When we hit Solvang, you want to do some munching?

Ladies. Here's another one. Pasadena. Does your secret garden... I love when they leave a word out by mistake. Dude, here. It says, does your secret garden tending to? It's idiot.

Does your secret... yo, proofread. You know? Especially if it's sex talk. Does your secret garden need tending to? I'd love to help be your personal gardener. Absolute. Disgustingness The depravity you know

Guys huh You know You know what I mean Guys You put them in just a certain type of mood In a certain type of situation And they're just all in You know

Like a woman has to be in the mood for sex in a certain type of situation and they're just all in. You know? Like a woman has to be in the mood for sex. A guy doesn't. A guy could just be like doing something else, not in the mood, and can be convinced in like five seconds. Wow. It's got to be like that.

Otherwise, there wouldn't be eight billion people in the world. All good. All right, well, that's it. Thanks for listening. go to our Patreon patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia it really helps us out with the podcast and we love you you're the reason the Patreon members

are the reason you guys are the reason that this podcast is alive and well appreciate you and I'll be in Brea and Phoenix next and Albuquerque and El Paso. Go watch my special Grow or Die at ChrisLee.com. Appreciate you. 와우!