Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 361. Sopping Wet

Episode Date: January 25, 2024

😮 Get 10-word ads at holler.baby/chrisdelia (PRICE DROP!) 🎤 MY SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is here: chrisdelia.com/god 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. In this episode Chris wonders why Bryan Callen always has 30 guys around him! We also discuss Sammy the Bull Gravano, American Nightmare, [the downfall of Sports Illustrated, Christopher Eccleston, the return of the Alec Baldwin indictment,] and more! Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

here we go i will be in el paso texas this week and albuquerque new mexico and then i'm going to be in canada colonna bc that may be sold out i'm not sure vancouver sold out and then i added another one so go to vancouver february 10th chrisley.com uh then i got rochester kitchener ontario shreveport louisiana houston texas corpus Christi, Durham, North Carolina, and Norfolk, Virginia. I got a bunch of new dates coming up soon, too. Let me check chrislea.com and check it out. And you can also stream my special Grow or Die at chrislea.com. Thank you very much for everything.

And here we go. We are getting into the next episode of congratulations dude let me let's see let me let me get into high octane podcast uh mode with the magic mind. Look at this. Little bit here. Makes me feel cool, though. Like a shot glass. Because I don't drink.

And that's it. Yo, I feel like... I don't know. I was in... I travel so much, dude. I was in Phoenix. I was there. I actually had a great time. Let me just start off by saying this, by talking about this actually. Phoenix, I want to kind of move there, dude. It's so awesome. The people are so cool. Yeah, there's, you know, I don't know. There's bad versions of

people everywhere. Right. Like in Hollywood, it's like, or in LA, it's like, you know, either the dudes that are like too cool or too famous or they'll stab you, you know? And in Phoenix, it's like too bro-y or too ho-y. I don't know. I feel like there's a lot of chlamydia in Phoenix. But it's like if you're not getting chlamydia in Phoenix, it's probably good. Just good. It's hot as shit.

That's how I like it. I like it hot. And it was raining the last two times I went there, which was odd. And they told me it was odd. But I went to Phoenix. I did my show at Celebrity Theater. I perform too much in Phoenix, I feel like. I go there all the time and perform.

And it's so fun. But we were able to do the Celebrity Theater, brought out Denny Love. He said he had the best set of his life. That's the in the round theater uh the phoenix in phoenix is the celebrity theaters in the round and i really like being in the round because i like being i like when people are looking at my ass too that doesn't happen too much on a proscenium stage hey he's classically trained but um anyway uh he's not classically trained but uh he's a little trained.

He went to NYU for a little bit until he got really pissed off at his speech teacher because his, my contact fell out and I was looking for it on the ground. She walked across it purposely and tried to stomp on it. So I had a good boy there. It made me mad. But we don't hold grudges. Actually, I was thinking about this man people who hold grudges and do revenge stuff are wild i was just watching this thing on netflix and this guy was like i didn't finish it i'll talk about it next time but this guy was

he was like doing something to like exact revenge and i'm just like man are you that kind of guy are you that kind of person that's like that kind of person? That's like, someone does something to you. I'm gonna get back at them. I'm really not. And maybe I should be more that guy, you know? Um, but I just feel like it's so much energy that you have to, you know, maybe if it's like a little thing, you know, a fun thing, but if it's like a, a real fuck over, I just get too sad about things. And I don't ever want to get like, I should get more hardcore. I should become real. I should start dressing in suits, honestly, and just be a real vindictive dude. That's how I should start doing it. Shave, you know what I mean? Slick back hair.

Cause my hair looks ill as shit when I slick back. But it doesn't stay slick back because it gets real puffy after that. Sucks. And gel's not cool unless you're in the 90s or Asian. Anyway, I was in Phoenix. Had a great time. Dude, actually, I went there. We stayed with my mother-in-law.

I brought the whole family out. Stayed with my mother-in-law. I brought the whole family out. Stayed with my mother-in-law. And they all came to the show. And man, something happened that I will never forget. I will straight up never forget in my life. And it was such a beautiful moment. And I know this podcast is funny. And we try to make it laugh or whatever.

I don't know. But this is just, I have to share this because it's so unbelievable. So I get out, I do the show. Crowd is phenomenal. I have a great, it's all new material from Grow or Die. It has nothing to do with Grow or Die. It's all new. So this is the first time I'm doing it in a theater from front to back and I'm like you know when I first came back and started to do stand-up I had the grower die set which was the don't push me tour it's confusing but um I did it I did phoenix first I did the same theater first and uh so I'm now back here doing my new material and I haven't done it really in a theater yet.

So I do it. It goes really, really well. Like I'm having flashbacks to the last time I was in Phoenix at the Celebrity Theater. Anyway, I had a great time. I'm about to get off stage and I look over to my, well, I guess I look forward because I just, I turn to look because you can turn anywhere because this is a full circle stage. So I turn to look and I see my wife holding Calvin Billy was asleep with you know he was with my mother-in-law she was babysitting and and she's holding Calvin and I I motioned to him like you guys want to come out and I can and she goes like this no I could tell Calvin didn't want to come it was really loud he doesn't like loud noises even on the way out he was like the plane's loud

and I was like and and and Chris was like well let me find your your headphones i'm like no no no don't find a headphones let him deal with it come on we can't raise him someone who's sopping wet right let him take your hands away from your ears don't be sopping wet you know so she was like oh okay you know because the other day we had a a conversation about how we didn't want to raise two sopping weds so um so so he doesn't want to come out so that's okay so i say good night everybody and i and i go and i leave i go walk over calvin is in my wife's arms and he's going like this like he's so happy that I'm coming back. My son gets so excited that he starts sounding like Peter Griffin.

I'm not even like he actually does. He just goes. And he's doing that. And then he jumps into my arms, like throwing caution to the wind, jumps into my arms. And it was like really adorable. And I go, oh, my God, he holds me so tight. And I'm holding him so tight. And I bring him down to the ground because, you know, I'm going to I want to hug him. But I want him to be standing while I'm hugging him and I'm, oh my God, he holds me so tight and I'm holding him so tight and I bring him down to the ground because I wanna hug him,

but I want him to be standing while I'm hugging him and I'm hugging him. And as I'm hugging him, it lasts for a while. They say, never break the hug first when your kid's hugging you, which I just learned that. That's a tip, that's a life hack I heard is that you just, you wait until they break away

because you want them to know as much love as they need. Right. So I'm like, yes, I'll store that in my Pentium. I dude, we're getting Adele and I'm uploading that first. Right. I'm into it. Like I'm so down with it with a fact like that. Right. And I put my son down the crowd's still cheering, you know, and my son actually grabs my shoulders, pulls me away, looks in my eyes. He does it with intent. He takes my shoulders, pulls them away from him, and then looks into my eyes,

and he says, simply, he says, I love you. And it was so unbelievable, dude. It was so unbelievable. He just pulled me away and said, I love you. He didn't say, dad. He didn't say, you know what? He didn't say, hey, this, that, the other thing. He said three words and it was just, I love you.

And it was so sweet. And it was the first time that I felt him proud of me. You know what I'm saying? You know, he's almost four next month, but it was the first, you know, we have a fun time. I make him laugh. You know, he shares stuff with me. I share stuff with him. But it was the first time I felt where he was like wow i'm proud that my dad does that look at how cool my dad is and it is something i will never forget there have been three times in my life

where something has happened and i will never ever and and as soon as it happened, I thought, well, you know what? I will never forget that, and one of them was when I was at the movie theaters. We were watching Casino. It was with me and my brother and my mom and my dad, and the couple behind. Whenever Casino came out, I don't know if it was in the 90s, but I was young. My brother was even younger, and the mom behind us, not our mom, but the mom behind us at the credits, she said, look at this. Parents of the Year to my mom and dad and my dad was like because we were young you know and they're putting

people's heads and vices and shit in that casino movie and and my dad after he sees a Scorsese movie. You know what I'm saying? My dad grew up in New York and is Italian and is very meek and cool. But dude, don't approach him with shit talk after he's watching a Scorsese movie. Trouble. Trouble at the La Cunada United Artists Theater. So she says, look at this. Parents of the year.

And he says, what? You think you could raise these kids better than me? My dad goes full on. You think you could raise these kids? Why don't you take these kids home? You think you could raise them better than me? Huh? And he says, and then the husband's like pushing her away.

He's like, yeah, get out of here. And my dad said, and if your husband had any balls, he'd come over here and fight me, you fat pig. And I go, well, I'll never forget that. And of course, I'd never tell that story until my dad was retired. But, dude, I'll never. I'll go, oh, my God. And I felt proud of my dad, too, then, too. I'll tell you that much because he stood up for his kids.

But I was like, you you know 14 or something but anyway um that was the only time i ever seen my dad really do that it was really wild you get jacked after you see certain movies right um yeah so then there was another thing that happened that i i i thought well i, well, I'll never forget that. And actually I write right now it escapes my mind. So maybe I can only hold two at once. And so that Calvin one is, I'm more than happy to just keep that one. That one was amazing. It was amazing,

dude. I was at, I was, um, it was great. And then he was just like, so I don't know. It's just really sweet.

I had such a great time in Phoenix, man. And, uh, brought my whole, uh, in law, like the in-law side of the family out. And it was crazy because I talk about such like wild shit on stage now. And I was like, I got to warn you guys. Like, because, you know, they're like 60 something. I'm like, I don't know who's coming. I said to my mother-in-law, I was like, you know, but I get pretty out there with my material.

And she was like, oh, no, we love it. It's all good. And it was, dude. And let me tell you something. It was, okay? And then the next day, dude, we woke up. I woke up at 1. Fuck yeah, dude.

Dude, when someone can watch your kids you wake up at one dude you wake up at one and you don't feel you don't feel bad about it at all um woke up at one went to go get coffee and it was on dude and then i went to the desert ridge improv and i met brian callan and i did stand up for his crowd. And then we roasted each other afterwards. A video is coming on my other YouTube channel. Be ready for it, dude. Now, let me ask you a question.

Brian Callen, how come when I'm with you, I also always have to meet 12 guys? You have too many people around you all the time. And that's very weird because you're not Eddie Griffin. And that's very weird because you're not Chingy. And that's very weird because you're not Biz Markie in 1988. And that's very weird. Do you know what I mean? Why?

You're not Murphy Lee. and that's very weird i don't know why but every time i go to to see brian callan somewhere and here's the deal dude we're really good friends um and we hang out mostly at business stuff and you could tell that because you found me i'm a place of business but you could find it you you mostly hang out of business stuff right um and we hang out at business stuff podcasts you know stand up sometimes we'll shoot a video together sometimes we'll sometimes we'll hang'll hang out, but not often. Often it's a business. Whenever I see him, there are also 12 guys with him. And it is always, always, always, there are always four, like four guys that own a gym, you know, like three of them will be, will own one gym. And then one of them will be will own one gym and then one of them will own a separate gym and then there will be some sort of criminal around too always and i'm telling you always and then there's like a 45 year old hot chick somewhere and that is dating one of

them and then another guy that like i i didn't even like once i leave i completely forget him and i'll never think of him again but it's always hey brian count i don't want to also and you know what bring 12 guys around for real bring 12 guys around but don't introduce me to them because i don't know them and i'm gonna now you know oh i'll give you because he'll be like oh i'll give you the you ever get that friend like i'll give you the number you guys can connect friend? Like, I'll give you the number. You guys can connect. The next time you're out here, you do this. Okay. Nice enough. The nicest guys.

But I remember one time I was, I was like, I was doing the Irvine improv. This was a long time ago. And he's just one of those guys, dude, where he says, oh, dude, my friends want to come to your show. They're so good. They're so cool. Can we just, can you get him a ticket can you meet him after it says okay yeah dude it was like some dude that was 50 something and two 25 year old drunk like uh like actual porn actresses and they were just like hey we're friends at brian cowley he was like hey it was his name was something like fucking bebop you know and i'm just like and i'm like brian

don't don't anyway i met 12 guys one of them was sammy the bull gravano you know for real honestly one of them was sammy the bull gravano and i'm like okay he did 24 years in prison really charismatic dude he's basically joe pesci you know really charismatic dude um living in arizona and you know impressive to say the least and crazy dude i feel like if i even talk about it i get in trouble yo the mafia do you know what i mean the mafia like not like him aside like it existed hey the mafia existed, dude. Hey. Like, organized crime is, to me, hilarious because crime is crime.

The fact that they label it, it's like you don't need to organize. If it's organized, it's still bad. I don't understand why they say organized crime. It gives it such a romantic vibe. Just say crime. I feel like less people would be gangsters organized crime it's like it makes it sound nicer and romantic it's like it's like organized pyromaniacs yeah we burn down houses but we all do it in like a steady fashion and we do it together it's like you're still assholes um and so organ hey we're organized we're organized uh farters that's what we do oh really yes does it stink like shit oh my god so bad but we all line up and we just let gas come out and it's fucking absolutely amazing don't go

against us we'll pin you you down with fart on you. So anyway, you get mouthy with me. Hey, what'd you just say to me? Hey, Tony, put him down. Carmine, come here. Open him up. There we go. Organized farts.

Don't fuck with the flatulence family. So dumb. But. Hey, you're breaking my. Hey, hey, chill out. You're breaking my wind. I'm breaking wind in here. So anyway.

Hey, give me more provolone. I got I got somewhere to be. Hey, you got dairy. Hey, give me that fucking push. Hey, look, give me the um what do you call it the fucking god damn it what's the stuff with this pistachios in it mortadella give me the mortadella dude you put one yo if you stand in a room mortadella you pass gas period there's just it's just fart central it's got it's bologna with pistachios in it. Hey, who figured it out? A fat Italian, you know?

His name was Mortadella. Pert Mortadella was his name. Anyway, so yeah, organized crime, dude. Crazy. Motherfuckers would just like murder people what about distress dude let me tell you something if i was an organized okay this is coming from a guy who's never broken the law never broken the law ever except for the speeding right like the the mate you know jaywalking but like would be terrified. I stole a hat once. I've told that story here. I stole a hat once it was bright green. And I

thought if I could walk out of here while I pay for my other stuff with the hat on and not get stopped, then I deserve the hat. What a lunatic. But I did. And it was that save on drugs got the, and I walked out with the hat. It was a hat. I remember it was before monster energy drink, but it was like, it looked like a monster energy logo. I was 22. It was a hat. Remember, it was before Monster Energy Drink, but it looked like the Monster Energy logo. I was 22. And that was a mistake, and I shouldn't have done it. But I did it. I should still have that hat, honestly. But anyway, like people do that.

And then they don't stress about it. Or they do. And it's like, don't? What's the price of that stress? What's the price of that stress? You know? I don't think there is a price on that stress. Say you robbed a bank. And you say you robbed a bank and you knew you

robbed the bank you got away with it and you made you know 1.5 i don't know i don't know how much does a fucking bank have i have no idea well at once how much depends what bank right but say you just rob you get two million dollars that's worth this worth the stress. There's video surveillance of you with like a hoodie over your head. You know it's you. Nobody knows it's you. But that doesn't stress you out enough to... I can't.

Organized crime? Crazy, dude. Especially like having a lot... What do you call it? Having to rely on people, you know? And you know we don't talk, right? We don't talk to anybody. And then some guy, because there's always that one fuck up that is going to talk.

Right? You trust people? Ah, la cosa nostra. Hey, we took the bottle. Hey, we bled. And we put it on a fucking player's card. And then we kissed it. And ate it.

And then... Mortadella shit it out. Dude, you know... It's like you can't trust motherfuckers. But the people who can't... Who say trust no one. They trust the most people, dude. Because they're always criminals. Trust no one. Trust no one. They trust the most people, dude. Because they're always criminals.

Trust no one. Trust no one. That's what fucking like gangsters. Yeah. Trust no one. Fucking blood. Trust no one. And then what they do, they turn on him.

You think these motherfuckers are doing years? Not snitching? Dude, they snitch. Look at fucking, what's his name? Candy Bright rapper guy. 69. He snitch. Look at fucking, what's his name? Candy Bright rapper guy. 69. He snitched. I guarantee this motherfucker said trust no one way more than me.

Because I'm all like, trust some people. I'm like, trust two or three people. I'm like, trust one or two people. Really? Well, I'm like, honestly, I'm like, trust one person. You know? Like, fully trust one person. This my shit people say trust no one i say fully trust maybe one person and then kind of trust also maybe two three people that's my shit that i should make a shirt like that fully trust maybe one person and then kind of trust two or three people that's the fucking new merch idea dude

that's gonna be banging honestly that's gonna be banging because you can't not trust anybody. You're not trust anybody. You get cancer. Later on in life, you get cancer. You don't trust anybody. You just like move in the shadows and trust zero people. You get fucking cancer later. You live a nice life. You trust people with your vulnerabilities with your emotions you trust at least one person your wife your husband whoever you live a beautiful life you trust maybe two or three other people and they don't backstab you maybe they do maybe they don't maybe they backstab you maybe you have a lesson you learned maybe they don't backstab you you don't you know you still lived your lovely life trusting two or three people it's beautiful i don't like that trust nobody shit and i love tupac and tupac used to say

trust nobody trust no one i guarantee if tupac didn't get shot and grew up he'd be like yeah chris i actually agree with you i think trust maybe one person and kind of trust two or three people you know i don't know is this even plugged in oh man it looks like it's not plugged in i oh it is plugged in okay cool hell yeah dude 20 percent um anyway dude then i went to go up on stage and i did the brian callum thing and it was fun um and uh but i think the main thing is never trust people you work with you know only trust people that is your family or you know if they've been in your life for a long time i don't know whatever fucking john. Fucking John Gotti turned on Sammy the Bull Gravano and then he turned on him. So it's like, you know,

La Cosa Nostra, yeah, right. And, you know, I don't say this too much. I don't say this enough, but La Cosa Nostra, yeah, right. Rick Ross has a bunker. Hey, dude, I know, you know, we knew, right? Even though we didn't know, we knew. That was the next thing for him for sure. It's going down. Y'all know how I love real estate and I usually like to build and

go up. We going underground now. One time for all my doomsday preppers, Elon Musk. I see you. I saw your ground plans. I'm impressed. But guess what? He always sounds like he just got over a sinus infection. What? My bunker gonna have a garage. My bunker gonna have wings. My bunker gonna have wings like like buffalo wings or like it's going to fly because honestly, neither of those things are important. Your bunker should stay underground maybe he means he's gonna have a plane go into the bunker a garage with a plane this guy lex luther um huh yeah you said it dude. Huge excavations. You got to have your fluids.

Dude, huge excavations. That's amazing. I got a water maker, something like a machine that makes water out of H2O. Ah! Water is H2O. Water is H2O. I got a water maker. We got our canned goods.

Not impressive, dude. So if you're thinking the brothers ain't ready, we ready. Dude. We breaking ground. You know? This guy's so bored. You can't.

Every time you look at a Rick Ross video, you're like, oh, well, dude, you're bored. That's it. That's what it is. We're breaking ground i'm excavating just learned it just learned the word somebody said used the word excavating this is exactly what happened to rick ross somebody used the word excavating in a sentence and he said what's that and they said it's like excavating it's like when you when you like uh take out a bunch of uh ground you know what it is it's like if you want to make a bunker you go into the ground and you excavate excavate the the ground to make the bunker and

that was what made him want to do a bunker i guarantee it dude i promise no doubt dude you say what could it have wings that's what what he did. And it was like wings, like buffalo wings. Could you have a garage in it? Yeah, you could have a garage in a bunker as long as the ramp goes down. I usually build up though. You could build down. It's going down. Y'all know how I love real estate and I usually like to build and go up.

Build. We're going underground now. One time for all my doomsday preppers. Honestly, the conversation about the word excavation happened four minutes before he recorded this. And then he decided and now he's going to do it. Elon Musk. I see you. Elon Musk.

I saw your ground plan. Musk. I'm impressed. But guess what? My bunker going to have a garage. My bunker going to have wings. Huh? Didn't hear himself.

Unbelievable. But congratulations, dude, because he's basically a scientist. If he can make water at H2O, that's amazing, dude. He's very Christ-like. That's just wild. Dude, did you see American Nightmare on Netflix? I watched this and I think everybody's watching this because this is why. Not only is it number one on Netflix, this is why I think everyone's watching it. I was on the plane and you know who was on the plane with me on the way to Phoenix? Sugar Ray, Mark McGrath.

You know the guy who sings, Every morning when you wake up and you're walking, there's an onion morning, one more bed. Shut the door, baby, don't say a word. Oh, baby, baby. You know that song, right? What is that called? Shut the door, baby, don't say a word. Every morning when I wake up and it's all beginning, records in a one-night bed. Shut the door, baby, don't say a word every morning and i'll wake up in this

off-beginner records in a one-night bed shut the door baby don't say a word loud and singer anyway um he was watching it on my plane so on his phone so everyone has seen it as soon as mark mcgrath has seen it he's also the guy who hosts extra extra, whenever. He used to do that for like three weeks or something. But anyway. Somebody who has a place in Phoenix. But so... He looked like a cool dude. I didn't talk to him. I meant to say hi

because, you know, when you're a famous person, you see another famous person, you got to be like, yo, what's up? But anyway, American Nightmare is crazy, dude the the show on netflix american nightmare is absolutely crazy dude okay so it's basically you've probably seen it but if you

haven't it's basically this guy and girl who live together and this guy this other person comes in, duct tapes him, blindfolds him, kidnaps the woman for a ransom, takes the woman and is and tries to get a ransom from the from the boyfriend. OK, the boyfriend goes to the cops. The cops think he's making it up. it up all right they think he's making it up the fbi gets involved and they they think that they're trying to put one over on them like gone girl one of the fbi goes uh agents is actually like well you know you've seen gone girl right this is what they're doing hey get a lobotomy dude first of all these two people were interviewed and they couldn't have sound more sounded more like they were telling the truth man i'm trying to think if my wife got kidnapped and i'm trying to think if my wife got kidnapped and then I was like bound or whatever.

And they unbounded me and then she was gone. And I got to the police. Like I would immediately call the police. Okay. Like, cause they were like, do not call the police. I'd be like this.

Okay. I won't. I swear to God. I won't. They leave. I go like this. Hello, please. Hey, my wife was kidnapped. I don't care if they kill me at that point. You know what I'm saying? Like, I got to do what I got to do. I'm not going to not, you know, you're not going to trust this motherfucker. So, um, and then if they were like, okay, why don't you come down and talk to us and give us a statement?

And I'm like, well, dude, okay. But holy fucking shit, if they started being like, if they pulled one of those fucking, first of all, if they pulled one of those fucking, you know when they have the good cop, the bad cop, you know when you're in, when you see the footage of the interrogation room

and you see the cops moving in on the guy and the guy's in the corner and they sit they keep moving their chairs closer by the end they're like literally right here with them dude okay let me tell you something you can't let that happen i i If I ever get interrogated for something, dude, hey, let me tell you something. It's me who's moving the chair up, okay? Go ahead. No, no, no. Bring the good cop, bring the bad cop,

bring a medium cop. I don't give a shit. Bring a kid cop and an old cop. Bring all the cops you got. Dude, I'm moving the chair forward. I'm getting closer. You move one forward, I move two forward. Okay.

Until we get so close. I kiss you. Okay. Copper. Like no bullshit. You don't do this. So, so, okay.

So what I'm trying to do is, and there's a lot of holes in this story. I pull forward. No, there's not. Book me for that. Did you just kiss me yup sorry my bad five oh i thought that's what you wanted because you were invading my personal space where's the other guy oh you moved away oh and then i moved closer to that guy.

Dude, flip the script. Judo these motherfuckers. These cops that come all on you and shit. Interrogate you. Knees to knees. Fuck that. Lips to lips. Dude, lips to nose.

No, dude. That drives me. That so drives me. Hey, and then none of them go like this. Yo, back up. Fuck, man. I know 100% if my wife got kidnapped that they would think it was me anyway. You know, I pray, pray my wife never gets murdered.

If my wife gets murdered, dude, 100%. 100% the fucking media will say it's me. I already know that. I pray she doesn't get fucking. Please, nobody murder my wife for real. That goes for everybody in my family, my dad, everyone. It's just like they're going to be like. Anyway, dude, this is an iced coffee, a drink people are like oh he drinks now um so anyway american nightmare was like this crazy uh thing where they thought you know and

like three days later the woman came back to the house and then they thought that the woman was in on it trying to get money from the guy and they were like hey we just love each other guys okay can you just help there's a guy out there murdering and raping can you just can you just please help and then he ended up getting Uh, so, you know, just so crazy. And they were like, ah, fucking, I don't know, dude. Just don't ever murder anyone around me, please. Everyone will think it's me. I guarantee it. This guy Bevo got new teeth.

Hold on. Let's look at this thing here. He got new teeth. This is the guy that I was making fun of last time listen bevo here you know the rules listen we all know bevo is in turkey he's finally got his gnashers done listen behind this remote i've got some wow you know what i didn't realize when he blocks his mouth he actually has the worst hair i've ever seen in my life it's a it's a butt crack you know what i mean but listen 6 p.m english time i'm gonna go live so it'd be 9 p.m my time i'm gonna go live we're gonna do a reveal but big up the teeth big up uk smiles as well big up the teeth it's been a it's been a long week but it's definitely been worth it i'm um i'm so happy to finally say get

my teeth done and just why is he holding a pregnancy everyone as well shout out to billy shout out to sam it's just a remote control to a fan as well at uk smiles um yeah it's been amazing it's been a great experience they're doing a little uk tour as well hey what's going on i'm gonna try and turn up and just show my got my got my teeth done i'm gonna put the reveal it's like initiation and just convince people that they know what they're getting okay can we see it but yeah 6 p.m english time i'm gonna go live and we're gonna reveal my smile but big up to yourselves much love big up to yourselves too big up bevo as soon as my teeth have calmed down a bit i'll start doing eating videos but yeah sorry for being inactive but big up to yourselves chat to you

soon as soon as my teeth have calmed down I'll do some eating videos for you the weirdest sentence anyway we saw his teeth we'll put up a picture of his teeth right there but they're wild dude when people get their teeth done I would be

if I was going to get my teeth done which I wouldn't because your boy's got some nice teeth actually I get some nice chompers dude um a little they're a little crooked but I might not you know people get their teeth whitened or done whitened or or straightened and they end up looking like the mask and shit no dude let me tell you something okay before you get your teeth done look in the mirror first and do this if you if it's too much like the mask don't get your fucking teeth done dude that's the fucking should i get my teeth done test look in the mirror and go

if you fucking look dumb doing it of course course you look dumb. But if you look extra dumb, like the mask, you go, you know what? I'm going to actually cool off. I get my teeth done. Cause man, I heard it too. If you get them whitened, man, my ex-girlfriend got the zingers, dude. That's what they call them. They get zingers where they fucking kick. Dude, she called me. She was in Texas. She called me. I was, I was at home and she was in Texas. She was like, I, I, this is the most pain I've ever felt in my life. I can't even deal with it. And she was crying. I was like, dude, it's probably fine. Dude, apparently it gets so painful.

But yeah, her teeth were fine. She didn't need it to get whitened. Anyway, big up for her. Big up to her. Yeah. And so that's it about that um what's this an amateur won the golf tournament and can't do it i heard you babe um 24 old 20 year old amateur golfer just won a pga tour event but he's not allowed to collect

the 1.5 million dollar prize why because he's an amateur what bro those fucking motherfuckers dude start a gofundme for him he's rich anyway he does golf you know nick dunlap reacts after making the putt dude an amateur beat him they're so mad this is basically what's it called happy mad happy madison happy what's his name is that happy g Happy, what's his name? Is that? Happy Gilmore. It's basically Happy Gilmore. The guy goes like, at the end, he goes like this. Why can't I get the 1.5 million?

Woo! That's awesome. Good for you, dude. Raise hell. Rise hell. Um. you dude raise hell rise out um i don't know all i know oh dude the razzie awards that's like the worst stuff razzie nominations led by expendables um i think we're done using the numbers to be a letter in the sequel of a movie title you know i'm saying expend four bulls like that shit it's not an a it's a four and we know it and it's

like not cute anymore that was cute in like 2001 with tupac um so do they have that worst picture here we go oh i love it i love it okay worst picture the exorcist expendables meg two shazam we need the poo so okay to me expendables absolutely not going to be in that category period cannot be in the category because you know what you're going to see when you go see the expendables all right you're going to see ass kick in action it can't be the worst movie okay that's out meg two kind of the same not as much as the expendables but you know you're going to see a fucking stupid movie about a big gigantic shark and also it's a sequel the first one was shitty so you know that the second one's going to be shitty all right so you take expendables you take meg two out all right the exorcist believer can be in it because it took itself way too seriously you saw the previews

they tried to act like it was too scary like it was real the the the posters of that scary little girl you know so the exorcist can believe can be in it all right shazam fury of the gods can absolutely be in it all right because it looks so fucking bad and it's a dc movie and dc sucks to heaven except for the uh Except for the Suicide Squad, right? And also, it, Shazam, you know? Like, nobody gives a fuck about that superhero. Winnie the Pooh, Blood and Honey, the scary movie, it's a horror movie about Winnie the Pooh, that cannot be in the Razzie Awards as worst.

You know going to watch a horror movie about Winnie the Pooh is going to be bad. You know it's going to be bad. You know it's going to be what it is. Oh, gonna kill you. You know that's bad. Under no circumstance do you go in thinking like, I can't wait to get my socks knocked off of me. I can't wait to see Winnie the Pooh put down his honey, pick up a plastic bag, and suffocate someone. In no way do you come out a different person after that movie, all right? So the only movies that can be in the worst picture

are Exorcist and Shazam. And I bet it's Shazam. I bet the Exorcist is just another horror movie that's also bad shazam is probably piss fucking poor figured it out without seeing any of them although we know that wonder woman 1980 whatever was the fucking one that should have won the razzie awards or the new matrix is the one how is that not nominated the Razzie Awards or the New Matrix is the one. How is that not nominated? The New Matrix is one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life, dude. Ever seen in my life. It was the gayest movie of all time, the Gaytrix. Look at this. How shitty would it be to be nominated for worst actor at the Razzie? Look, Russell Crowe,

the Pope's Exorcist, so shitty, you know? You talk about Gladiator. You talk about the guy who did The Insider. You talk about the guy who's done fucking L.A. Confidential. You talk about a guy who could take his Aussie New Zealand accent and just toss it out

and be an Irish guy. You talk about Mr. Beautiful Mind and you give him the fucking Razzie nomination for worst actor? Vin Diesel, Fast X? Yes. Now I understand Fast X is what it is and it's supposed to be stupid.

But Vin Diesel, I've got one question for Vin Diesel. How? How did this get passed? Period. You know? This was after Schwarzenegger stallone jet lee statham fucking uh even statham yeah uh uh uh van damme this was after all that shit now look some of the

guys turn out to be a great actor stallone is a good actor but dude how how did Vin Diesel do this? He's this, he is just Vin Diesel. So he deserves Razzie for worst actor nomination. Jason Statham. Nah, I don't, come on. John Voight-Mercy. What even is that? Chris Evans ghosted. I don't know.

Chris Evans is a good actor, but what the fuck ghosted? Just that should be worst movie of all time. Probably. All right. Worst actress. Sam Hayek. Megan Fox. Jennifer Lopez. Come on.

That's not right. Look at this. Look, worst supporting actress. Again, Megan Fox, Inexpensable. Somebody hates fucking Megan Fox over at fucking the Razzie Awards. Worst supporting actor. Mel Gibson, of course, because all the stuff he said about Jews again I'm giving him the rising award Michael Douglas and Ant-Man no way we don't stand for Michael Douglas

Lander no way look Frank Franco Nero as the Pope in the Pope's Exorcist god who fucking what what do they watch like seven movies and just why is the Pope Exorcist so high on this list for them look worst screen couple any two in Merciless Why is the Pope Exorcist so high on this list for them? Look, worst screen couple.

Any two in Merciless Mercenaries. Any two money-grubbing investors who donated $400 million remake rights to the Exorcist. 40 million for the remake rights? Sorry, 400 million for the remake rights of the Exorcist? Are you shitting me? Wow. This is so funny. Worst pre ripoff or sequel ant-man exorcist expendables i mean there's six movies on this fucking thing worst director and of course believer exorcist and of course fucking expendables and of course meg too 2. Worst screenplay, let me guess. Wow.

So, Exorcist, Expendables, Shazam, Winnie the Pooh, and Indiana Jones. So, what didn't get it for worst picture? So, Meg 2 didn't make the worst script. Oh, no, they did. Sorry, wait. Worst script. Yeah, Meg 2. So, the movie Meg 2 was bad. The script was not the worst

wow insane what is shit like this AI recreated how these dead stars would have aged if you have ever clicked on anything like that you know I mean I probably have but

everyone is so so not I mean, I probably have, but... Everyone is so, so... Look at this CNN article. Reese Witherspoon eating snow disturbed people. She would like a word. Hey, CNN. What you doing? She posted a TikTok which had some fun with some new fall and snow.

Look at the way they write this shit. You know? The way they write it, all glossy, it's still a piece of shit. The Morning Show star recently posted a tiktok video in which she had some fun with some new fallen snow hey you're cnn though yes you know what i mean uh in the video two mugs were used to scoop snow off a car with a spoon then describes just have uh anyway she she posted her recipe who cares about any of this look somebody comments no no no snow is not made to eat you can seriously get sick one person commented man the internet fucked everything up huh what about childhood dude you can eat snow it's fine i mean i i eat i ate snow when i was a kid i'm sure dogs pissed on it i i hate

that shit and i'm fine he said shitting his pants but no one knew even though he was live on his podcast um look at this we drank out of the tap yeah that's the another um we drank out of the tap we actually yeah we i never really drank out of the tap man i did drink out of the tap i did yeah you drink out of the hose i've done that did drink out of the tap. I did. Yeah. You drink out of the hose. I've done that too. Yeah. And I guess you can't do that now. The water bottle, the water industry is a racket, right?

Look at this stupid headline. It's no big secret why Vince Vaughn isn't around anymore. Dude, if it was no big secret, then we wouldn't need an article about it. Also, dude, CNN is the tabloids. Anyway, dude, whatever. I did this fucking thing, Soft White Underbelly. It's awesome. I love it.

I'm a big fan of it. The guy asked me to do it. Mark Lida wanted me to do it because he was like, he wants to like branch out and start doing like, you know, comedians and actors and writers and shit like that. I don't know. But I was like, yeah, fuck yeah, I'll do it. And I did it. because he was like he wants to like branch out and start doing like you know comedians and actors and writers and shit like that i don't know but i was like yeah fuck yeah i'll do it i did it and um it was really cool uh you know i don't want to say i had fun doing it we talked about some you know some some lighthearted stuff and then some some hardcore shit and uh and it was it was cool a lot and and um the kind of fucking i checked a few of the comments and i was like all right i guess i can't look at this dude people are just fucking so it's so wild dude like people are just like

they want you to die you know they're like nah motherfucker you can't you can't if somebody says hey you did this you can't even be like no i, I did it. People are like, oh, nah, but you need to take accountability. You can't take accountability for something you didn't do. And they really want you to do that shit, dude. But anyway, I did the fucking interview and it was it was really cool. I'm a big fan of soft white underbelly. And of course, like I know I made mistakes. Of course, of course I know I made mistakes. And both of those things are true. So anyway, it was cool.

It was worth doing. And I really enjoy that channel. It's crazy. But it'll just be like, it's hilarious because it'll just be like, it'll be like prostitute fentanyl addict a serial killer uh uh murderer the devil crystalia comedian you know uh fucking what's it uh uh warden to san Quentin victim of John Wayne Gacy and then comedian Chris D'Elia

and it's like okay you don't want people to fucking say what they feel and be honest then nobody's gonna you know nobody's gonna they just want you to shut the fuck up it's just the craziest world dude it is the craziest fucking world they just want you to shut the fuck up and eat crow um look at this shit tay Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey. I don't... I can't imagine caring about something more than,

hey, you know that football player is dating the fucking singer? And then you go, oh, really? Huh, well, that's weird. I thought he liked black chicks. Maybe it's a PR thing. Maybe they love each other. And then that's it. That's weird. I thought he liked black chicks. Maybe it's a PR thing. Maybe they love each other. And then that's it. That's it. But I don't give a fuck. I'm happy for them that they're, you know, love each other. Of course, they're going to break up. She's going to make a song

about it. This is all part of it. And then his career is going to be over because he's going to, you know, he's not going to do as well. And then there's going to be something like what do you call it the taylor swift curse like don't date taylor swift like how if drake mentions you before a fight you die or whatever it is a ufc fight um i don't understand how somebody can be as famous as taylor swift this is why i don't like like when you see like shit like tom cruise like you know he's a Scientologist and he's crazy. Like, of course, of course, dude, if I was that famous, you understand if I was that famous, I would, part of me would think, oh, well, but in my past life, I was Howard Hughes. You know, like I would just think crazy shit like that. I would think absolute nutty shit i would be

like well we're probably in the matrix and i just like have the most money and so i paid to have the best life but it comes with its troubles so huh isn't that funny even in when you're plugged in you you know the stuff you can't buy happiness like this is the shit i would be thinking of i don't know how you stay sane the fact that taylor swift hasn't murdered people it means that she's an a higher level being than i am tom cruise is just a scientologist are you kidding me the guy should be a warlord dude if i got to tom Cruise level, warlord. Straight up, I'd have my own country. My laugh would be different. I'd be like, oh. You know?

I just don't, under a microscope like that? Crazy. under a microscope like that crazy anyone see that movie fucking uh killer of the flower moon yeah i want to see that you see it is it good it's so long though dude three and a half hours didn't feel long i watched oppenheimer i'm like all right i'll watch flowers killer flower moon next year oppenheimer was great but, three hours, that's it. I can do three. But I can't, three and a half, bro? What is this, Gettysburg?

Remember that fucking movie that was like four something long? It had an intermission in the theater. You'd go out and pee and get popcorn and come back and they're still fucking sawing each other's legs off. It's like, oh, Jesus, man. Anyway. Yeah, that's good. We had a good episode today thank you very much I'll be in El Paso Albuquerque

chrisalia.com and go stream my special chrisalia.com have a good one and also check our patreon out the patreon is why this podcast keeps going patreon.com slash chrisalia please subscribe we love it.

Leave a comment. You guys are the greatest. Thank you for this absolutely beautiful episode 361, I think.