Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 364. Crumb Creep

Episode Date: February 15, 2024

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Hey guys, what's up? It is the new episode of Congratulations, so welcome. And sit tight, buckle up, and here we go. Absolutely, here we go. We're on. It's on and popping, man. This is what my new thing is right here. This guy. Twink or burly. Get a workout in and get after it works. Rise up in the community. Let's go, people. Walk in. Make it happen. Davis.Clark. Riser mode. Davis.Clark. On Instagram, my new favorite follow.

I'm drinking my riser mode. But, yeah, this guy is just absolutely locked in. The most highly anticipated finance test that America's ever seen is coming up on Friday. If you thought that Super Bowl was intense, you don't know the level of locked in that I'm going to be. Because it's a whole new definition of a pass fail class. Everything's going on the line. Everything's going on the line. Wow.

Locked in. Absolutely locked in. Dude, my favorite part about this guy is every video he does, he also puts what he's saying in the caption and it's the whole thing. The most highly anticipated finance test that America has ever seen is on Friday.

If you thought the Super Bowl was intense, you do not know the level of locked in that I'm going to be. Whole different meaning of a pass-fail class. Everything will be on the line. Here we go. I became an overnight sensation through years of hard work, but I'm

going to stay true to my values because even if I only had a thousand followers like I did last month, I would still do the same exact things and get after it for the people. Dude, get after it for us, dude get after it for us dude thank you that's so sweet actually my gosh you know this guy is destined for stardom because first of all he's pc principal pretty much he's 100 pc principal from uh what do you call it uh south park and second of all look at his jaw, dude.

This guy's great. First lift of 2024, making lightweights look heavy out here. I mean, lightweight, first of all, he's curling 40 pounds in one hand. That's really heavy. I got to get back in shape. Absolutely no strength. That's what it's all about. Never too late to make positive changes.

Absolutely no strength, dude. You know? Let's do do one more here this guy's my new favorite guy when opportunity knocks i answer it doesn't matter what day of the week it is or where i am i'm gonna full send that thing let's have a friday people dude that's the the video oh 983 comments i'm doing something wrong on Instagram. This guy's absolutely locked in. I need to be locked in. Oh, here's the one where he looks like PC Principal. Someone has to solve the traffic problem in Boston. This is my favorite one, dude. Very good.

Very good thing to start with. It's Sunday afternoon and I'm stuck here in bumper to bumper traffic. The amount of hours that are wasted every year. Absolutely ridiculous. And honestly, it's number one inhibitor growth in the city. Someone's got to solve it for the good of hours that are wasted every year. Absolutely ridiculous. And honestly, it's the number one inhibitor of growth in the city. Someone's got to solve it for the good of the people. Let's go. Good luck. Good luck. Just fucking

tossing his luck out there. Good luck, guys. Hey, we need to fix this traffic problem. Good luck. Anyway, locked in. You're not locked in? If you don't know, give it a suggestion. Bumper to bumper traffic on a Sunday? Forget it. That's because Boston's the most religious city of all time, dude. It's so bumper to bumper on Sunday because they're all going to church.

Hey, you going to church? Hey, come on. Let's go. Get in a car. Let's go to church. Come on. Let's worship Jesus Christ. Right?

They go in the... Come on. I need to reach... I need to... I need to... Worship need to. I need to. Worship Jesus Christ. God damn it. Yeah, dude.

More traffic on Sunday on Boston than there is on weekdays because of Jesus Christ. But this guy's locked in, dude. So I suggest you guys get locked in. Absolutely locked in. And hit that riser mode. His bio is inspire, help others, do the right thing, enjoy life every day. Riser, dude, riser. That's cool, man.

That's a great thing, man. Good job. He's rising. So, yeah, we love that. We love that. We love the positivity here, dude. I mean, look, a lot of people could make fun of that mode, we love that. We love that. We love the, we love the positivity here, dude. I mean, look, a lot of people could make fun of that mode riser mode, but you know, it's, it's, it's, uh, we love the positive positivity.

This guy is the opposite. That's a challenge, except I'll put my dog away and i'll come back and you got one two three what is this guy even doing he's he's he's interviewing that he wants to interview this guy and obviously he's a reporter hey you crumb wait hold on i i missed the first part because I have to hit the thing. Get away from me, you crumb. Dude, me at the bakery. That's a challenge, except I'll put my dog away and I'll come back. And you got one, two, three. And I'll do it along with you. It's in that back of that fence.

Said nothing so far. Three of us, four of us, me and you. Adding. Show you what kind of. Just the three of us, four of us, me and you. A hundred people there. The man you are. You're less than a man remember in like the 60s that was the biggest insult it was like after chicken like chicken was like in the 50s or hey you're yellow and they would say it like that hey you're yellow and now and then it was well that's because

you're chicken and then it was you're less you're you're less of a you're nothing you're less of a man okay you're a crumb creep yeah crumb creep dude now that should be that should reign supreme as the number one hardcore diss of all time dude like if a rapper said that in a freestyle in the cypher he just goes yeah because you're a crumb creep that's it everyone just goes oh and that's it it's over you go home it's an awfully hot coffee plant you're a crumb creep and i wouldn't take that off for nobody and there's three of you and i'm by myself nothing only when it's over only talking about how many people are around. Dude, only talking about... You know how you get so mad,

and you don't really know what you're saying, dude? This guy's only talking about how many people are around. Oh, really? Okay, well, how about this? You're here, and there's other guys over there, and then I'm here, and then take the three of you, and then the four of you, there's four of you, and then just me and you over there in that back fence.

What? Just on fucking absolute lsd there'll be nothing to it win or lose okay but you don't have the courage you're a real crumb bum oh dude trying to make merch he's good he's trying to make merch you know get your crumb bum stuff if you're less of a man put that on camera you're a crumb on the three of you dude how come everything in this era on tv was of was a a shade of tan there there was never a color dude it's like they make color tv but not really it's just still kind of brown. And I challenge you. You're a... That's so 60s to challenge somebody, you know? Dude, if somebody challenged me, I'd go like this.

Nah. You know? Oh, but the martial arts community is still like that. Well, he challenged... He came into my dojo and he challenged me, so I had to fight him. Dude, look, I'm not a sensei, but if I was, nah. Come on in and challenge me so i had to fight him dude look i'm not a sensei but if i was nah come on in and challenge me i'm all good dude hey yeah all right i forfeit you win anyway get everyone get kiba kibadachi you get out let's work on horse dances come on kata coward

you're a yellow sneak oh and if you if you want to, now what I say. Fucking trailed off. So nervous. Let's forget all the rules of this great country we live in. I will go back to that wall with the three of you. Just me. I mean, dude. Saying everybody around so much, dude.

You're a crumb creep coward. Get away from me, you crumb. Just're just fuck man this guy went into it um so this guy was i guess a mayor and then some uh reporter was asking him something and then and then he just straight up called him a crumbum. That's amazing. It's actually... Why don't have more guys like this to tell these liberal news reporters what they really are? Well, he just did. They're a crumbum, dude. Oh, man.

Wow. How much did that guy die of pancreatic cancer? Yeah, because that's what happened no doubt uh because look at him everything on that thing was tan absolutely crazy absolutely locked in you know absolutely locked in um i was at dude i was at i was working out today first of all and i was at was like, maybe I should do, what do you call it? My chin-ups, pull-ups and all that. I go, nah. I go, nah. And instead, guess what I did?

Legs, dude. Legs and my shoulders. Now, that doesn't matter. That's not what this story is about. This story is about I, after that, went to a grocery store, okay? Erewhon. Do you know about it? It's a really high-end, expensive place in Los Angeles. I think they have them other places too, but it's crazy. You get a piece of salmon for 58 bucks. And I took a video of it. I'll send it to you guys well we'll play it we'll play a little of it okay so first of all man this is the most la shit that has ever happened i think okay

i'm at the erowan and if i'm at the erowan it's la already because because it's me dude i'm a comedian i you know people know who i am so when they come to me they go like hey i went to la i was in erowan and i saw I saw Chris D'Elia. So LA already. But guess what, dude? I'm not the most LA shit at Erewhon, okay? Ever, ever. There's always like Jason Bateman there or like, you know, someone else that's like,

you're like, who is that? Oh, yeah. And so I'm at the Erewhon and I look next to me in line is, who is it? Star Girl from the boys. That's her name, right? Starlight? Starlight from the boys. She's there, okay?

You know, just shopping, just like a normal person. Stars are just like us. You know what I'm talking about? She's just in there getting some turkey or whatever it is. She's with her friends, probably her assistant because she's walking her dog i have a feeling it's her dog they go out in the air so i i finish first i go out to the arowan uh patio i sit down i eat my salmon and rice dude he's la baby he's eating salmon and rice he's watching his figure plus he just did leg day so it's like you know so I'm out there eating a thing and I am chilling. Okay. And I'm

relaxed, dude. I'm like, I did my, I did my workout. I'm absolutely relaxed. I'm absolutely locked in, dialed in. You know what I mean? I'm no crumb. I'm not right now. And, um, I'm sitting there and I see this dude walk up and he is probably, he's got to be at least 260 pounds of muscle, dude, not fatness. He's jacked. Okay. He is jacked. He looks like Balrog.

All right. But he's white. I don't know what Balrog is. I think he's black, but he's white and he walks in uh and he's walking into the in the direction of the air one and he's got and he's got the iphone vision apple vision right on and i'm like oh shit dude i've never seen the apple vision pro before in person right and guess what everyone was where i saw the cyber truck for the first time so i saw the cyber truck and the apple vision pro Cybertruck for the first time. So I saw the Cybertruck and the Apple Vision Pro for the first time at the same time in Erewhon.

That is so LA, okay? And Stargirl's there, so LA. And Crystal is there, so LA, all right? So the guy's walking in like he's, by the way, I see people online with the uh vision pro and they they're walking around like they're just sunglasses you know like they're just walking through crosswalks and stuff just you know or eating together with each other and they both got them on this guy walks in he's got the apple vision pro on okay a black tank top which is 100

the worst outfit of all time if you're wearing a black tank top it's is 100% the worst outfit of all time. If you're wearing a black tank top, it's the worst outfit. I can't even take everything Usher has ever worn. Black tank top trumps that, right? So he was walking in and he gets closer to me and I go, oh, shit. My mind's playing tricks on me. And I go, oh, shit. My mind's playing tricks on me. Because it's not an Apple Vision Pro. It's just ski goggles.

So it's just ski. Oh, I hit the wrong thing. How do I do it? How do I stop it? How do I stop it? How do I stop it? God damn it. What? How do I stop it? God damn it. What is it? What is it? There we go. Dude, he's got ski goggles on. He's got ski goggles on. Okay. Now, why did I think it was Apple Vision Pro? Is it because I'm old and I don't really know what the hip stuff is that's coming out no it's not dude because this guy has a cord

going from inside of his ski goggles all the way out around back into his back pocket and it's taped up on the ski goggles okay it's taped he's he's. At this point, I see the dude. He's pretending like he's got an Apple Vision Pro on. Walks into Erewhon and starts going like this. Right in the middle of the walkway. So people are like, uh-huh, uh-huh. All right? in the middle of the walkway all right so people are like uh all right so now i get the sense oh are there cameras around i look around there's no cameras around but then i look at his face and he's crazy like i can't see his eyes so he couldn't really tell you could tell his face

and body was a crazy person but then i'm like it's it's wild how crazy he is because he because i thought maybe he was homeless but the dude had a gym membership so he's not homeless so he's in there doing that thing and people are like what's this guy doing is that some people think it's an apple vision they don't know you know but they look and I'm like I just think it's taped and think dude so he starts so he squares up dude he squares up to no one. He squares up like he's in Street Fighter, the video game. All right. And he starts, you know, fighting, throwing punches to nobody in the doorway of Erewhon. Okay. Everybody starts watching. And then he like hip throws, no one puts him on the ground and starts pummeling, pummeling the dude that's not there.

And say, that's what you get. That's what you get. Okay? And I'm like, holy shit, this is out of control. I look at Stargirl, I'm like, do something. Starlight, do something. Use your powers for good. He gets up, and this was the best, dude.

He gets up, finishes was the best dude he gets up finishes his fight and loses i'm not joking dude he got punched in the face doubled over hard onto his back i have the video i'll'll play it. Doubled over, fell back, was out. I mean, not out, but pretending he was out in the doorway of the AeroWatt for seconds, just sitting there. And then finally, like, comes to, he's like, oh, and walks away. So L.A. to have this crazy person who's, by the way, maybe homeless, but maybe not. Homeless people can be jacked in L.A.

That's the thing, right? I need a face tattoo of bullets. And also Starlight was there and Crystalia. At Erewhon. It was unbelievable, dude. Props to that guy. You know, they say that it's got to be so stressful living in that guy's head, but man, to be that carefree about something is so awesome. After that, he left and security showed up and he, and I was like, bro, you're way

late. He's over there. And he got into his car and left, which is really, really alarming. So somebody died out there. He had ski goggles on, you know, I want to know if he had the ski goggles already, or if he got that, if he thought he went to the ski shop and got the apple vision pro because he's obviously crazy um i don't know it is what it is but it's uh this guy was absolutely locked in i just can't believe this. I just can't believe this. What do you call it? Where's the thing?

I wanted to look at that thing. This is not it. Sent the wrong one. I want to look at the Larry David thing. And this isn't it. When was it? This isn't it. when was it this isn't it this dude wrote a uh letter i i should say not just this dude it was a guy from uh uh stand by me the kid actor right yeah here it is um will wheaton. And I guess Larry David was on Sesame Street, a promo thing.

And he like pretended to like beat up Elmo, right? Am I wrong about this? Okay. Like kind of, you know, funny, whatever. Will Wheaton writes this. And it's not a joke. I thought it was a joke at first. Obviously, I thought it was a joke because of what it is.

But it's not a joke. joke at first obviously i thought it was a joke because of what it is but it's not a joke this will wheaton is an actor that uh apparently has lost his mind i'm gonna fix this is this righty tighty lefty lucy i don't know how to do it whatever leave it so he writes this is what he writes on the on on his instagram or no on facebook okay so i heard about larry david assaulting elmo on live well he says live television which means live television but didn't watch it until now because i knew it would upset me all right so let's just go over this you can't assault a puppet right because it's got no agency it's a puppet it's just it's just a thing it's like you can't assault a parking meter right because it's not some it's not person okay so

here's the other thing he's going in with a bias saying i knew it was going to upset me but i'm still i'm going to go look at it dude going open-minded but he didn't he went in already guns blazing he says after that holy shit it's even worse than i thought what the fuck is wrong with that guy okay so i didn't see it before i saw this so i'm like all right he must have done what did lar did Larry David do? Butt fuck Elmo? You know? What did he do? A bukkake with the cast of Curb Your Enthusiasm onto Elmo? Holy shit. Elmo is like the best friend to multiple generations of children.

Now. No, it's not. You know who's the children's best friend? Their best friend. If a puppet is your best friend, sad. Hey, it's not. You know who's the children's best friend? Their best friend. If a pup is your best friend, sad. Hey, parents' fault. Hey, change. Elmo is a child who is currently putting mental health

and caring for others in the spotlight. Elmo is not a child. You know how you know? He's red. If you ever have any doubt, if someone is a child or not, you need to know two things. Are they two feet and are they red? And if they are two feet, that's one in the box in your favor is it might be a child. If're red and it's elmo okay um and then he says and larry fucking david dot dot dot did dot dot dot that and i and and thought it was going to be dot dot dot funny what what an asshole what a stupid self-centered, tone-deaf asshole.

Full disclosure, all the time I was growing up, my dad would grab me by the shoulders and shake me while he screamed in my face. He choked me more than once. He was always out of control, always in a furious rage, and always terrifying. Okay, now that's fucking sad. Inexcusable, horrible. Then he says, I'm a 50-year-old man, I'm a 50-year-old man,

and my heart is pounding right now, recalling how I felt when I was a little boy who loved Grover the way today's kids love Elmo. Now check this out, dude. This is my whole problem with quote-unquote victims, dude. Hey, get mad at your dad, not Larry David. He assaulted Elmo. Elmo's not real.

Elmo's red. Now, this is a joke. Everyone's like, what the fuck? What a lunatic. However, this is a version of what everybody's doing. This is so silly, dude. Full disclosure, he says, you know. So this appalling, unforgivable, despicable act

hits more than one raw nerve for me, and I'm going to say that I wish I'd been able to say this sort of thing happened to me. I'm going to say what I wish I'd been able to say when this sort of thing happened to me. Okay, so cool. So this is our bit for you, buddy. Larry David, this was not okay.

And you're obviously insincere apology. Clearly, can we just... Did he apologize for it? Oh, he must have done it on the thing first of all you aren't even in the segment but you just decide to barge in and draw focus man steeper right here here look at this i really want to know what raised his tiny little mind and why there was no voice or person who spoke up from him expressing violence towards a children's puppet who was there to talk about his how his love and empathy for people having a tough time mattered and made a difference? Dude, it's so weird, you know, because Elmo is some guy putting his hand up his ass, you know?

Elmo is a red thing with some dude named Carl's hand up his ass. Some hairy dude, you know? Hand up his ass. Some hairy dude. You know? Anyway. It's the final season of Kirby Enthusiasm. So, shout out to that.

And that's what he was there to promote, I guess. So, people are... I guess I didn't know that with, with, um, what do you call it? Um, I didn't know everybody, I didn't know there were so many crazy people, man. Remember you just be in class when you were young. If you're, I was born in 1980. Remember you just be in class when you were young and there were just people there and they're like one or two crazy people in the class. You're like, those people are going to grow up and be fucking weirdos.

And what happened? More people grew up to be weirdos. You didn't know they were going to be weirdos. And a lot of times weirdos became the fucking high functioning society, you know, like millionaires. And you don't even know, you're like, oh shit, that was what they, they need to get absolutely locked into a business, to a business mindset. They need to be absolutely dialed in. You know, they wake up at 4.30, do the workout and absolutely get locked in, you know, every single day. And now they're worth millions. Like Matthew Holmeister was a weirdo when I was a kid, but now he grew up, he's probably absolutely locked in. The kid used to lick his lips more than LL Cool J.

It was unbelievable. He had so much crusty shit around his nose and chin because he would lick his lips more than fucking LL Cool J. It was disgusting. But I just know right now that that guy's worth hundreds of millions of dollars. He's absolutely locked in. Or he fucking murdered a bunch of people. It's one or the other, but I'm saying,

people who murder people, serial killers, absolutely could have been successful doing other stuff because they're absolutely locked in, dude. If you're absolutely locked into something, you're successful, and they're absolutely locked in of sawing people's heads off and putting them in freezers. Like, you're telling me Jeffrey Dahmer wasn't locked in, dude? He's successful as shit.

He's bad, but he's locked in.ary's locked in dude bad i don't agree with his you know fundamental shit but he's also locked in dude you can't you know mussolini was successful locked in right you think he didn't wake up at 4 30 mussolini get out of here yeah he woke up at 4 30 did bad shit but he's still locked in so anyway um so anyway uh i didn't know you know when you didn't know in the 80s you didn't know there was no internet you know you just you would see a crazy person you drive by every now and then you go oh man that person's got got it bad huh that person's just hopping around right like outside of a paint store they're just hopping around you know i'm talking about a paint store, they're just hopping around. You know what I'm talking about? In the town center. And then you, and then you forget about

that person, but guess what, dude, that person's still out there. And now they have a fucking Reddit and Twitter account. Now they've got an Instagram, right? And guess what they did? They found other people who were hopping around outside of paint stores. They found those fucking weirdos in the schools. They found those weirdos. They grew up with those weirdos. And now those two, three weirdos in school, they're online later. And if they don't shoot up to school, guess what they do? They find each other and they just be weird. And I didn't know that there were that many crazy people, you know? And look, I'm sure Hollywood treated Wil Wheaton dastardly. Dastardly. Dastardly.

Dastardly. I'm sure they treated him really badly, you know? But my point is, I don't know. Maybe you should have to wait, have a waiting grace period to get an Instagram account or something or a Facebook account, right? But they don't... Anytime anyone writes an open letter is pretty, you know... It's like... I don't know. Oh, I did my show in...

I'm going to put this up on my YouTube. But I did a show in Vancouver. I did two shows. Sold out at the Vogue. The same place I did Man on Fire Shot Man on Fire I love the theater I love Vancouver

And by the way Vancouver is crazy dude Vancouver is so nice and beautiful And then you turn the corner And there are dead bodies from heroin overdoses And you're just like How did this happen You take a wrong turn in Vancouver This is what you see, people like this.

Fentanyl. And anyway, so I did the show. I did the first show. It went bonkers, dude. I did the second show, and in the beginning of the second show, this lady just stands up. I'm going to put it on YouTube, but she heckled me. So you can just go to my other YouTube channel and check it out. And she says, hey, Chris, just in the middle of the show.

And I was like, yes? And she was like, the meet and greet was sold out but I have $20 can I give it to you can I take a selfie right so okay we're off to the races right now right like it just immediately I

mean I'm that guy with the fucking ski goggles Apple Vision Pro just ready you know I'm like zooming into her information so I can find out stuff to heckle her with. All right, what we got here? We go here, Wikipedia, we got here, you know? Just connecting and doing callbacks, trying to do this shit.

So I, you know, I obliterate her. I say, you gotta be quiet. And then she pipes in again in the middle of the show. And dude, this is in the video, but the fucking, I gotta tell you this, in case you don't see the video. I said, all right, look, you obviously want to talk. I'm gonna give you 10 seconds to say whatever you want. I put on my, I took my phone, hit the thing, hit the timer. And I say, and go, she starts talking and she's not making much sense. And if in like the fifth or sixth second,

some dude from the balcony just yells, show tits dude and that is 100 the most gangster sexist shit i've ever heard in my life i didn't even know people really said that you know i thought that that was like like i thought that went out with crumbum i thought that went out with uh i thought that went out with uh yo could you tell me to be quiet be a little more quiet i thought that it went out with uh with with with with you sneak yella you're yella hey guys could you be a little more quiet obviously just obviously because i'm doing a podcast right um but yeah dude it was it was so wild i don't know i don't understand these hecklers. It's so crazy, these hecklers, man. So many people heckle, and then I'll post it online,

and people will be like, that wasn't a heckle. Because it's not negative. Dude, the most of the heckles I... No, not most. All of them. 90%... Honestly, more than 95% of the heckles I get are positive heckling. It's people saying, love you, bro, or this or that.

It's still heckling. It's still bad. You're interrupting the show. Heckling is interrupting the show. And so I'll put it online, and people are just, they're just bonkers dumb, dude. They're like, oh, wow, how insecure. The guy was telling me he loved him. Dude, you're ruining the show that everyone else paid for.

Anyway. File's done. What we got here? Newlyweds, find your perfect pair at sandalswap.com. Dude, that is a hauler. Go to my page if you want to purchase a 10-word ad or shout-out. Hauler.baby slash Chris D'Elia. I just, I really want to know what's going to happen with this Apple Vision Pro

because I got to get it. Isn't it like $4,000? Crazy. Crazy. I want it though though i want to see what it's like can you just watch porn on it you can you can watch porn on it oh really vr porn doesn't work why wouldn't it because they don't want it that's stupid what is this 1960s dude that's terrible my buddy's got one of the oculus ones and you can do you can do porn on it and you can do vr. So I would get that one. But he said it's like absolutely changes your life. And I was like, dude, I can't even start with that shit. Imagine just, imagine getting

addicted to VR porn. Just home all day. Why wouldn't you be? Hey dude, that's the goal, right? For most, like for your developmental years, that's the goal. Trying to get tail, okay? So you're in your developmental years and you learn there's VR porn.

You go, oh, yo, check this out. Sayonara life. Hey, check this out. Sayonara responsibility. I guess I'll eat sometimes. I guess I'll sleep if it catches me off guard while i'm shaking it to vr porn you know i'm saying dude because you're not stuck dude if i was whenever i started getting pubes you know if vr was out when i was getting pubes hey dude you wouldn't

know who chris d'alia was i'll tell you that much that would go there would be my go get it my go get him attitude would be hey go get the VR Vision Pro that's all I would be doing I would just be shaking it to VR porn dude I'd be on the craziest shit at this point I'm 43 I'd be like honestly I'd be shaking it to different stuff

I'd be shaking it to just like Ikea commercials you know because the thing keeps going. You keep going. Your kinks keep changing, you know? I'd be shaking it to 800-588-2300 Empire. Are you kidding me, dude? I'd be shaking it to... Try my product.

Dude. I'd be shaking it to every fucking infomercial there was. Act now would be if I heard that in real life, I would just like I'm blank man jizzing. Remember he would jizz after he hugged a lady. That would be me if I heard act now. Tired of if i ever heard that just absolutely squirtville anyway dude like uh i don't know about this vr shit but like that that that's that actually i think that's bullshit that that apple vision pro doesn't have vr porn you just got to watch it regular because now that's going to change that's one of those

things that they should just be like yo it's it's gonna be different in five years so why don't we just do it now um oh it's valentine's day dude for the patreon episodes it's valentine's day um and uh and then if you're watching on youtube it was valentine's day yesterday so i hope you had a good one and i it's not yet because it's monday right now for me recording this but i went out with my wife last night and it was absolutely really fun um so we had a good time so that's great we went to this place uh drake's hollywood it was really it's really good it's got the best chicken it's got the best chicken parm you ever had and i don't even like chicken parm dude i don't like chicken parmesan i don't like that i don't like people say chicken parm either god that makes me i don't like that but uh But I eat the chicken parmesan there and forget it, dude.

Forget it. I eat it and it's so, I eat it and I go, I'm not really a chicken parmesan guy, but I got to fucking eat it. I tell you what, you know, and I didn't order it. So don't be like, oh, if you're not a chicken parmesan guy, why'd you order it? I didn't do it. It was someone else's and I tried it and I go, oh shit, hold up. I'm a chicken parmesan guy, I guess.

But anyway, dude, I don't really go to hotspots, but I did go to that one because my friend took me there. And we love it. By the way, I'm going to be in Rochester, New York, Kitchener, Ontario, Shreveport, Louisiana, Houston, Texas, Corpus Christi, Texas, Durham, North Carolina Carolina Norfolk Virginia Grand

Rapids Fort Wayne Indiana Saginaw Michigan Michigan so drunk Victoria BC Augusta Georgia and North Charleston South Carolina Chattanooga Tennessee dude I'm coming the Crystalia tour is coming and I'm coming up with a tour name because I was doing new material and anyway go to crystal.com get those tickets dude can't wait for this never been to sharif port um but i am doing new i'm doing new material it's not from grow or die which you guys know that because i said that here before but dude i'm gonna actually give the tour a name so here we go it's not gonna be like this just work a new material thing because it's gonna be solidified dude had a great show dude had a great show in phoenix and i go it's a little bit solidified then i did another show and i go yeah it's solidified did it in el paso did it in albuquerque

it'd be like it's solidified then i did it in um uh uh uh colona and i go maybe it needs work actually but because it was in an arena and arenas are so big and echoey and i stepped off stage i was like maybe it needs a little bit of work but they they'd be like, yo, you killed. I go, really? Oh, I'm not used to arenas. So it's solidified. Then I did it twice in Vancouver and it's solidified. But dude, why do you even listen to this podcast, honestly? I don't want you to, but you do. And it's okay. Is what it is.

The Chiefs won the Super Bowl, and that's great. Dude, Valentine's Day is such a... Don't tell my wife I said this. But such a... You know what? Don't tell my wife I said this, okay? How about that?

Now, some of you are going to DM her and tell her I said this, and that's fucked up, dude. Valentine's Day is a sham, dude. I always said it. Pack up. Go to Valentine's Day as a sham. Dude, that's it.

There we go. Here we go. Pack up. There we go. Come on, guys. It's a sham, dude. Pack it up. They made this holiday so you'd spend money.

Pack it up. Dude, he's speaking too truthfully. Pack it up, guys. Podcast is over. Pack it up. Staple it. It was made to... They got you, dude.

You're all suckers, dude. Pack it up. Here, staple this up together. Here, they got you, dude. You're all, you're all suckers, dude. Pack it up. Here, staple this up together. Here, pack it up. Guys. Here, pack it up. Here. Clip his nails.

Here, come on. Get it. Clean them up. Here we go. Pack it up. Here, take a sip. All good, dude. And you're all suckers

and you're all bought into it because you're bitches, dude. And I'm talking to the men, dude. Just like Tupac said, men can be bitches too. He said the N word, but I say men because I'm not racist. Okay? It's getting harder and harder, 94. These men can be bitches too.

But you know, not men. He didn't say men. You know what he said. But so I'm just like, dude, you got suckered. We had it. We had February clear. We had it clear. Yeah, dude.

The blacks have it for the month. Great. Perfect. Fine. I don't care. That's great. Give them the month. That's fine.

I don't care. Give them the whole year. It doesn't matter. I don't care. Give them a decade. It doesn't matter to me. Give anyone any month or any day. I don't care. Pride, all that month, you know, people are like, why do they get a month? They get a month, get a whole month. I don't want any white anything.

Just have everything. This way I could just be chilling during your months. I don't care. We had February chilled out, dude. When was Valentine's Day created? When was Valentine's Day invented? When was these Hallmark holidays? Times, come on. Day created. Here we go. 14th century, dude.

St. Valentine or whatever the fuck. No, look, at the end of the 5th century, dude. St. Valentine or whatever the fuck. No, look, at the end of the 5th century, Pope Galatius, I forbid this celebration of Lupercalia, these fucking names back then, you know. Thank God we got to Steve. And is sometimes attributed with replacing it with St. Valentine's Day. But the true origin of the holiday is vague at best. Valentine's Day did not come to be celebrated as a day of romance until about the 14th century all right so dude so whatever cuck did it did it

for his woman and now we all gotta do it dude and so we're out we're shelling we're shelling eight times as much money for a fucking chicken parmesan just because it's the 14th of february because some cuck named Le Percalier or whatever the fuck, some pope cucking it up, dude. Go to hell. It's all good. But some pope cucking it up decided to wine and dine his wife. I know it wasn't the pope because popes don't, you know, they don't have wives.

But like, dude, whoever it was decided to wine and dine somebody. And he made it just cuck city, dude. I'm going to call Valentine's Day cuck city dude i'm gonna call valentine's day cuck city that's what it is why did when did valentine's day originate the 8th century this is saying you know the 8th century okay so that was it wasn't romantic until the 14th century so here the 8th century gelasian or galasian sacramentary recorded the celebration of the Feast of St. Valentine. Remember when they would have feasts, dude? You know, now it's just lunch.

Back then, did they even have lunch? Or did they just have feasts? Oh, we must feast together. If you take a few bites, that's not really a feast, right? But you're at the feast. Okay, it's like a noun. That's fine. And it's also a verb.

You feasting? The day became associated with romantic love in the 14th and 15th centuries when notions of courtly love flourished, apparently by association with the lovebirds of early spring. All right, cool, whatever, cucking it up. Well, if it changed after a few centuries, it'll change back. Let's change it, dude.

Valentine's Day is now the day of splurting on your lonesome. But yeah, so Valentine's Day, they did it. They did it. Valentine's day, dude. Do you ever try to get away with it? Like with your, with your wife or your, your girlfriend or whatever, boyfriend, whatever who you're with.

And you're just like, let's do it. Did one do it the day before? Because you just know you're going to save boatloads of fucking scriller. Um, anyway, happy Valentine's day. you're gonna save boatloads of fucking Skriller. Anyway. Happy Valentine's Day. And if you're black, you say Valentine's Day. Or Calvin. Calvin says that too. What's this?

One without the booze. Okay, so it's a mocktail. Same thing? We're not gonna call it a mocktail same thing but we're not going to call it a mocktail right okay we're gonna call it oh dude that is absolutely gangster oh my god he shut him this guy is the dmx of presenting shit this is he shut this motherfucker down are Are you kidding me? Yeah. Okay. So we're actually not going to call it mocktail, right? Right. Cause what we agreed on before the air, before airtime, dude, this is on, I didn't, this is second six. I'm already well in, I'm already on this ride. I'm already upside down in the rollercoaster and I got a tank top on and my tits are,

you know, coming up, you know, like those, like, you know, you'll, you'll follow a sports account on Instagram. And all of a sudden they'll be like, by the way, follow this account. And it shows roller coaster titties, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm in. And you're like, well, I didn't follow this shit. And you're like, oh, it's the sports clip one. So I, so good thing my wife wasn't looking over my shoulder when I'm just scrolling through sports stuff and then i got a fucking roller coaster upside down and the the woman's titties are all bunched up on the fucking superman ride but anyway that's where i am right now dude my titties are bunched up well into this roller coaster because this guy just gets so heated dude oh i mean i i can't even believe how

heated this guy got you know actually we're not gonna call it a mocktail but he pissed he pissed during that like he absolutely let let the bladder go because he couldn't control his rage one without the booze okay so it's a mocktail same thing but we're not gonna call it a mocktail right okay we're gonna call it a non-alcoholic. He's a school teacher, dude. We're going to call it a. Dude, Vince Vaughn. Dude, this guy is unreal.

This guy is unreal. Oh, this guy has a. Turtleneck on. Dude, that's it. I'm done. Pack it up. Got to staple that. Pack it up. He's got a turtleneck on, guys guys. So yeah. So it's a mocktail, same thing?

Well, we're not gonna call it a mocktail, right? We're gonna call it a non-alcoholic cocktail Because it's really not mocking anything and this is no like this. This is just a me thing, right? Dude Vince Vaughn! Dude this guy is unreal. Juice drink, juice, drink, just fucking the got to juice, drink, just, just absolutely being manhandled with no hands. Right. Verbally manhandled. Just, but that's not, don't worry. That's not you think that's a me thing. Right.

And the other guy is just juice, drink, juice, drink. Dude, this is the best clip we've had on congratulations in years, dude. Are you kidding me? One without the booze. I could sit here and watch this over and over again. Dude, thank you to the clips gods. You know what I'm talking about? This is gangster, dude.

Okay, so it's a mocktail. Same thing? But we're not going to call it a mocktail right okay we're going to call it a non-alcoholic cocktail do this drink because it's really not mocking anything and this is no like this this is just a me thing right you didn't do anything wrong but i don't i just that term is like that's not what we say okay okay the guy goes okay sorry that's just me what do you call this i mean talked pointed to him the next thing he's gonna say is a piece of shit for doing that oh my god dude oh a mock turtleneck got it he's wearing a mock turtleneck what do you call this oh he for doing that. Oh my God, dude. Oh, a mock turtleneck. Got it. He's wearing a mock turtleneck.

What do you call this? Oh, he killed it. He killed it. What do you call this? What do you call this? A juice drink shirt. One without the booze. Okay, so it's a mocktail.

Same thing? Well, we're not going to call it a mocktail, right? We're going to call it a non-alcoholic cocktail because it's really not mocking anything. And this is no, like, this is just a me thing, right? You didn't do anything wrong, but I don't, I just,

that term is like, that's not what we say. Okay. Okay. Sorry, that's just me. What do you call this? Slam them to oblivion. What do you call this,

you fucking piece of shit? Bro, that guy, here's the thing about that guy in the tan, doing the manhandling, verbal manhandling. You know he talks about how much therapy he does? He does so much therapy, and he's just awful you know people who do therapy all the time are are just awful case in point i do therapy all the time, but, it's unreal,

it might be in a relationship, we're not going to do that, right, dude, if I talked to Kristen like that, she'd be able to like, burn a hole in my chest with her eyes, oh man,

that is, just fantastic. I'm exhausted after that clip. What's this? Oh, guy's trying to ride a bicycle on the lake? No. Oh, what a bitch, dude, what a bitch, dude, he's trying to ride across a fucking waterfall, and just, look, let it go, bro, let it go, let it go, go, go, drown, go drown,

that's unreal, dude, that's great. Oh, my God. That's funny. I wish there was sound. You know he was like, no. Oh, hey. Oh, God. That's unreal, dude. Holy shit, that's unreal.

That is great. I keep wanting to get to the Super Bowl, but it's just like so much other great shit is happening. I wish... The Super Bowl, yada, yada, you know, it happened and shit, and the Chiefs won, right? You know, Travis Kelsey and all that stuff. And Travis Kelsey's cool, whatever, that's fine. And, you know, Taylor Swift, and that's great. Like, she's cute, you know Travis Kelsey and all that stuff and Travis Kelsey's cool whatever that's fine and you know Taylor Swift and that's great like she's cute you know I don't want people to say

anything else other than that I don't want them to be like you know look she's fine she's cute she's good she's you can't say she's not talented don't say she's mid just she's cute she's good at singing she's probably not that good at dancing that's fine i don't care who am i to judge you know it's fine travis kelsey is good at getting you know furthering the yards and getting the ball into the fucking end zone i guess you know i don't really know they pass it to him sometimes but or they give it to him but like and that's fine dude and then my homes and and yeah every time i think of patrick or my homes every single time every time i read the name of the back of his jersey, every single time, I think of that old song by Leiter Shader Brown that goes, Mahomes, Mahomes, boy. And I think that, and then I think Mahomes. And that's fine.

Now, is that because of my OCD? Yeah, maybe. But it's still what I do. And now probably some of you will do it too because I mentioned it. Mahomes, Mahomes, boy. I always think about that every time I look at the back of Mahomes' jersey. Or if somebody says Patrick Mahomes, I think of and that's fine so the Super Bowl happened and don't say Taylor Smith is uh with mid and don't say that you know what I mean just because he doesn't push

yardage and that's fine but like my point is dude what did Taylor Swift think of Travis Kelsey speech after the Super Bowl when he just sang Viva Las Vegas? And said, you got a right to party or whatever that one is. Is that Pistey Boys? The two most frat guy songs of all time, dude. All right, fuck it, dude. Let's go back to my room. I'll turn on my black light. We'll watch Fight Club.

Like just such a frat it, dude. Let's go back to my room. I'll turn on my black light. We'll watch Fight Club. Like just such a frat guy, dude. Such a frigging frat guy. Do we have the, what is that? Do we have that? Yeah. Do we have the Travis Kelsey? Whoops. Travis. It's crazy how all of a sudden, like, Travis is such a famous name. Travis Kelsey, Travis Scott. Okay, this is the TikTok one. Oh, here it is, okay. Here we go. Travis Kelsey delivers. What is it?

Here it is. Cool. Here we go. Here it is. Let's click out of the thing let's make sure it cheese kingdom oh oh slept like a baby Oh. Viva Las Vegas! Oh. Viva!

Slept like a baby. Viva Las Vegas! Oh, boy. Just a Will Ferrell character. Hey, Elvis never had it better than that right there. Let me tell you. That guy has no idea what he's saying, that other guy. Well, Elvis never had it better than that right there. I'll tell you, just such an announcer, dude.

To win this one, when we met a couple of days ago you know you said and i'm not looking ahead but we got a lot more we want to do here baby you said we want we want a three-peat how about that well you know the goal's always been to get three but we couldn't get here without getting the two and having that target on our back all year. And I love these guys right here. The men that we just won this thing with, family forever, baby. I couldn't be more proud of you guys. And how about it? We get a chance to do it three times in a row.

How do you get excited for that, baby? You go party in Las Vegas and get back to it. Hey, you still got to fight in Las Vegas, then get back to it. Hey, you still got to fight for your right, don't you? Dude, I would be so mad at the announcer for bringing that up. I'm like, that's my thing. I bring it up at my discretion. But just ate it up.

You know what I mean? Immediately ate it up. Go party in Las Vegas, then get back to it. There we go. Eats it up in 2.002 seconds right here. Ate it up. That's cute. I'm glad they found love, him and Taylor Swift. It's only downhill from there. I guarantee it.

There's no way. It's only downhill. Something's going to happen in the next week or two. That's going to like shake their world and it's just going to suck. And then everyone's going to hate one of them, probably Travis Kelsey. And then it's over. You know, he's going to cheat on her with a black girl. Cause we all know that that's what, who he really likes. He likes black women.

You know that because he's only did a black woman and now he dates Taylor Swift and that's fine. Look, she's got some soul, but not really. So it's like, anyway, you know, they, uh, they, uh, they're dating and that's great. I hope they have a kid, honestly. I hope it works out for them in the long run. And I'll tell you why, because I'll tell you why I want them to work out. why I want them to work out. I kind of need that. I need this. Okay. I need this. I want her and him to be together, have kids, never break up. And, and I need that. And I'll tell you why, dude, because, because I didn't know who Travis Kelsey was up until, you know, he started playing football and Taylor Swift, we've all known about her forever. Okay. Because she's been writing these

songs. She's been through a lot of breakups and she's been hurting real, real bad. You can tell by any one of her songs, even shake it off. You know, there's an undertone of, well, yeah, you know, something happened and you just shake it off. But what happened? But really, I don't want to talk about it. Let's just make this banger, shake it off. But really what shake what off? I don't want to talk about it. You know what I'm saying? And they use it in a target commercial for some reason, but it's like, she finally found the person that she was writing these other songs about not the heartbreak ones, but the longing lovingly ones. And here it is, dude, they did it. This is the American queen and King, King and Queen together. If they break up, dude, I'm pissed.

I hate when people break up. I want them to stay together. I hope that Travis Kelsey went home with her that night and put a baby in her. I hope that, you know, and if they didn't, that's fine. But I hope they did. I need this. All right. I believe in love.

We need to believe in love. The world's gone to shit. Travis Kelsey and Taylor Swift need to be together and have kids. And that kid's going to grow up. And I'll tell you who that kid's going to be. Jesus Christ. Okay? The real one.

Like it's going to come out with a beard. Like I just... I don't know. But it's like like the chiefs won and that's great and my wife was so happy because she you know likes the chiefs or whatever and her mom likes the chiefs and she was grew up somewhere near there or something you know even though it wasn't there it was near there so you got to pick a team that's close and so you pick the chiefs i guess you know it's like we're growing up we had the mets right we didn't even fucking talk about the yankees we didn't talk about the jets it was the giants so it's like you know i was in new jersey bro so it's like you know jersey eating

a chicken palm right but like um yeah so i was i was eating that shit and i was watching that shit and you know monk would say the mets stink on on ice this year. He would always say that. He'd say that all the time, dude. I didn't really know what it meant until I got older because stuff doesn't really stink on ice. And if it does, it smells really bad, right? There fucking are so many conspiracy theories. And here's something that Biden did that was real gangster. It probably wasn't even Biden.

It probably was somebody in his camp. He's not tweeting. But this is so gangster what Biden did, dude. He goes, and you know I'm not a Biden fan, okay? You know I'm not any president fan. I haven't been a fan of a president since Truman. And not since George Washington and his wooden teeth have I been a...

I'm a fan of George Washington because of his wooden teeth, by the way. Anybody with wooden teeth is dope as fuck. Although he probably smelled so bad. And his breath. Or maybe it was like... Cedar smells nice, you know? If it was cedar, if he had cedar teeth, then...

Oh, wow. Really nice. With a nice finish. Just with the fucking... What is it? The fucking palm olive in his mouth he doesn't even go to the fucking uh dentist he goes to the cleaning ladies oh hello mr president oh hello mr mr george we we come back we come back in six months.

We clean your teeth. Racist, all good. But so the Chiefs won, and people think that there's a conspiracy that the Chiefs win, and Taylor Swift will now be there and endorse some people to vote for Biden, I guess. I don't know. And I don't know

why that's a thought. And I don't know how it caught fire. And I don't even know how it would work. But it's a conspiracy theory out there. And then Biden put up a tweet after they won with him with red laser eyes, dude, that said, just like we drew it up. And that's fucking hilarious. You know, that's hilarious. And look, let's not take it from Trump. Trump is fucking hilarious. I'm not saying he's a good president or whatever the fuck.

But, dude, the guy's fucking hilarious. I just wish it could be George Washington or Truman again. Dude, we're feeling good. We're having a good time. And that's that. What do we got here? I'm going to be in Kitchener coming up. I'm going to be in Rochester, New York.

Get your tickets. Rochester is finally starting to move. Shreveport, Louisiana. I've never been there. I don't know how I'm doing there. Houston, Texas. Corpus Christi. Durham, North Carolina.

Norfolk, Virginia. Grand Rapids. Fort Wayne, Saginaw. Victoria, BC. Augusta. North Charleston, South Carolina. And Chattanooga, Tennessee. So let's do it.

Have a good time. And also watch my special. You can watch my special. And it's a different, what do you call it? A different hour than the one you'll come see me. So go to chrisd.com. Thank you very much. And sign up to our Patreon.

That's it for YouTube. If you want to get the rest of the podcast and all the other podcasts that we drop that are Patreon exclusive, I think there's 36 of them now. Go on over to patreon.com. Thank you very much.