Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 365. Life O' Loneliness

Episode Date: February 22, 2024

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Runk. Hey, guys, what's up? And welcome to Congratulations. how much you guys going tts uh lately i'm going so i'm going potty bathroom number one so much i'm 43 and i guess that's just how it happens. I guess that's just how it happens. I got to go right now. Before I got into the studio, into the congratulations studio, before I got here, I was like, do I have to go? And I was like, nah. Dude, I got to go.

I've been sitting here for 10 minutes. Got to go. So I don't know, man. I guess I should just go. I hold it. I hold off on it for a long time though. I, I do. I don't like getting up and going. I don't like that my body's in control of me. Um, but yeah, and, uh, I, I do, I try to drink more water nowadays because my muscles need it, dude, hit the deadlifts today. I don't even do deadlifts, but yeah, lifts today. I don't even do deadlifts, but yeah, I, um, I, I just, uh, I got it. I keep going potty dude. And I'm saying potty. Cause I don't know what flags YouTube, what YouTube flags,

but I've been going potty a lot lately. And look, I go number two, five times a day and that's fine. It's always been that way, but man, the TT has been coming strong for real i don't know maybe it's because i'm potty training my son i don't really know what it is but uh i walked by um this i walked by my gym i was going to my gym and i walked by this dude that was had a his baby girl i think in a stroller and he was just like with her like pushing her back and forth sitting down looking at her and he and and and he looked at me like he wanted to active like actively make eye contact with me like you know when someone makes eye contact with you and it just you're like oh that person i guess is making eye contact with me or you look and you're like

oh is that okay we made eye contact oh that's all good doesn't mean anything we just made eye contact this guy was actively looking at me trying to bore a hole into my head which is fine he was because i looked i had to give up i gave up and i looked at him you know because like being look two things you don't want to do or something you don't want to do as either a guy who people recognize or a hot chick you don't want to do or something you don't want to do as either a guy who people recognize or a hot chick. You don't want to have a conversation all day long with somebody. Right. So I'm like, maybe I won't. But then he was really, really going for it. So I was like, all right, I'll give him, I'll give him a look. I give him a look. He's smiling, dude. I mean, the smile was crazy

big. And I was like, all right, well, this guy's happy. Okay. So then, you know, I warmed up because I was like, oh, he's going to be real nice. It's not going to be annoying. I see him with his, I mean, she's got to be, I mean, six months. And he says, hey, this could be you. And I was like, oh yeah. And I, I, I guess what did I don't, I guess I don't know what he meant because like, I, first of all, I have kids, but second of all, maybe he doesn't know I have kids. So that's fine. But then that's also just a weird thing to say to somebody, especially when you're actively trying to get them to look at you so you could say it. So my whole thing was he must have known who i was because he was actively maybe you know what i just realized

maybe i met this guy before maybe he has no idea what to do maybe i just have met him before like in passing that could be it we kind of think we may crack the case but the thing was he says this could be you and as i by, I take a few steps further. I'm like, what do I say? You know, I have this sometimes, like, I think really quick on my feet. Obviously, I'm a comedian. I have to because I like hecklers and stuff and like, just like, you know, I've done stupid game shows. But like, I was like, sometimes when somebody like says something, you're like, what's the right thing to say?

And you end up saying something really just dumb. And I know you get it. I know you do that too sometimes but as a professional comedian it's more embarrassing and if i wasn't a sociopath i'd be embarrassed but uh i turn around and i look at him and i say buddy i got two and and i and i smiled to let him know it's not aggressive. There's so much stuff goes on in your head when you're talking, you know, it's so crazy. Like in my head, I'm like thinking, oh, I, I want him to understand it's okay. He said what he said, but I don't get it. So, so what do I do? So I say something that I think is nice, but i don't get it so so what do i do so i say something that i think is nice but i got to do it on the fly but then it sounds like buddy i i got two

could be totally aggressive if you just read it buddy i got two you don't know what you're talking about and i don't want him to think of you should know I got two because I'm a personality, right? You should see me on Instagram. But I say to him, buddy, I got two. And I smile even harder. So now we're like, it's like we're in Black Hole Sun, the music video, just look at each other just with those big-ass smiles. And then I'm well past him. And he says says you do and i'm like we're way too far

to be continued he asked me another question and i'm so far so now i'm so far and i say yup and it's just like, I'm actually not even 100% sure that he was talking about, hey, this could be you having a kid. Because he also had a dog. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe he thought I saw something that happened right before.

Maybe his wife got mad at him and walked into the supermarket or something. And he thought I saw that. He said, this could be you. Who knows? Had that whole conversation. I have no idea what it was about. But anyway, that guy seemed really nice. So good.

So good. So good. So good. You're so frivolous with your products man you're slapping the table they're flying everywhere you're tossing the glasses ray j they're unbreakable i'm talking about his unbreakable glasses step on it right now no you step on them it's your product you step on them so confident hey you can break glasses you know speedy Speedy, step on him. I can't do that. So he puts the glasses, Speedy puts the glasses on the floor. Step on him.

He says, no, you step on him. Still relaxed. So hardcore. Ray J is so relaxed. It's like he just got done making his sex tape. Okay, so. I bet you I can break these. They're unbreakable.

They're not unbreakable. Don't tell me they're unbreakable. Don't challenge me. Listen. Don't challenge me, Rachel. I can break them. Listen, Speedy, they're unbreakable. They cannot break.

It's impossible. Now he just snaps the glasses in half. I don't care. Ah! Wow! Not the default. They're unbreakable. And then a few beats.

I don't care, dude. That's amazing. Wow, that's amazing. I think that honestly, oh, it's good how my headphones keep coming out how they keep dislodging oh good dude i can't hear myself oh good dude oh good oh good oh good i feel like you're so um dude i can't i just so good that ray j has this kind of confidence this is the kind of confidence also let me ask you a question. Ray J, what is it about black people? They've been around forever and they're still 25. It's so crazy. Like, dude, and the thing is, they're so young, so long, and then all of a sudden they become Morgan Freeman and are 90 for 70 years.

Dude, black people got it like that, man. They say black don't crack. They don't crack until it crack and then it keeps it that way for 70 years. But anyway. I tried to do that bit on stage once and it was just kind of a racist. I can get

away with my podcast because there's no audience and you don't expect them to laugh or not but on stage they have to laugh if they don't laugh i'm just bombing let me tell you something dude uh i love it i i actually i saw that i keep meaning to bring this up because it's so funny to me but i saw a comment and i keep forgetting i saw a comment, and I keep forgetting. I saw a comment, and somebody, I don't look at comments a lot. I do sometimes. But I used to be online, live online, and just see everything. I see almost nothing now. And, dude, I saw a comment the other day because I was on my YouTube studio,

and I saw it on the YouTube studio, and it said, man, this bit, I don't remember what bit it was because it was like a month ago. This bit bombed on the podcast. Let me just set the expectation and the record straight here, okay? This podcast should be called bombing this is always me bombing nobody's in here except for one producer by the way tired of my shit i've known him for 25 years you know like never laughs unless like a mistake happens. Remember when I hit my head on the, on the fucking thing back here that you laughed at that dude, the whole thing is bombing this.

I am shocked. People listen to this still, and they really do. A lot of people do. And it is always bombing. So if you say, well, that bit bombed on a podcast, what bit isn't bombing? This is always bombing, and that's it. So let me set the expectation, and let me set the record straight here. It's bombing, and it's all good.

I'm bombing, and I'm all good. And I don't care. I lost my mind a long time ago. I don't care. But I do care. I don't want to obviously bomb. But how do you bomb on a podcast? I don't care. You know, I lost my mind a long time ago. I don't care. But I do. I do care. I don't want to obviously bomb. But like, how do you bomb on a podcast?

I don't know. What I do know is I met somebody recently, a girl with a voice. I was talking about this with my friend because it was my friend's friend. And let me, dude, it is, how come I've never heard anybody talk about this? Because I'm about to say something that should be said a lot of times, and it should be hacky by this point, but I've never heard anybody say this. People with bad voices just straight up need to change their voice. You get no respect if you have a bad voice. You just get no respect.

If you're a guy that sounds like this and that's how you sound, change your voice. And I know it's not that easy too bad gymnasts can flip on a four inch beam that's hard to that's harder change some girls talk like this yo you're in control of that change your voice and if if's too hard, then just do an impression of someone else for the rest of your life. Dude, that is so crazy. I met someone that was talking like this. And I just go in my head. I think, Oh, it's too bad. Hey, life, the loneliness I go in my head, Life of loneliness, I go in my head. I go, aw, life of loneliness.

You can't have a bad voice. You cannot have a bad voice. At best, your voice, at worst, your voice can be only okay. Dude, you get, you gotta be only online and not doing videos if you have a bad voice. at, you gotta, you gotta be only online and not doing videos if you have a bad voice. And it blows my mind that some people with bad voices just chill with their bad voice. And they'll be like, gonna go out, gonna go out to the supermarket and gonna ask an employee, excuse me, guy. And that's your voice. Do you know where the bushels of, you know? Change it, dude. Also, here's the good part. If you have a fucked up voice, you can change it to anything.

It's like moving to a city and starting over. You just change your voice and that, you pick, be Irish. Like, you know, be, be, be, be a grizzled man. Be a guy who does voiceover for Ford. You know what I'm saying? As long as you do it the whole time, it doesn't matter. It hurts. It doesn't matter.

You're getting no respect. You get a lot of respect you talk like this. Boy, I tell you. Excuse me. Do you know where your long stems are? I've been looking. I need something for Valentine's Day. For who? I got 90 women.

I need 90 for Valentine's Day. For who? I got 90 women. I need 90 long stems. But yeah. And it's like, that bit bombed, but nobody's in here. I just think that if you have a bad voice, you need to absolutely change it forever. Did I talk about how I did the monkey bars on the podcast?

How I was trying to hang with one arm? Dude. Made fucking zero progress. Bro, I did pull-ups and I did negatives. I went down five...

Zero progress, dude. It's too hard, but I'm still going to keep doing it. And that's not neither... That's really neither here nor there. But I've been watching... Dude, you know what I did? I've been watching... Well, no. Let me just actually talk about because Calvin's birthday he's four

happy birthday he's four and in the past week or two he's like changed into a straight up boy you know like he was a I don't know what's before a boy because he wasn't a toddler, but now he's like a kid, I guess, whatever it is. It's like, and he's just like saying stuff that's so cool. So, so, so, so many like sentences that I'm like, well, the kid is so advanced with his speech.

It's unbelievable. with his speech it's unbelievable and um anyway that's neither here nor there but uh he's been like what you know chris is like what kind of party you want for your birthday and he says transformers so kristen went all out she did everything she made the whole we we went to a place she decorated it it was like a jungle gym kind of place. And because, this is what an idiot I am, dude. Because the party was so, you know, Transformers themed. Dude, how stupid am I, dude? So Calvin is like, I said, we went for your birthday. He says, Transformers and Hot Wheels.

So everyone, you know, I get him some Transformers. Other people get him Transformers. They know he likes Transformers. So now he's got a bunch of Transformers so now i'm sitting around the house looking at transformer toys and i'm like dude what did what a fucking moron dude and i think you know what i'm gonna watch tonight transformers dude i'm 43 i'm 40 fucking three. And now I'm going to watch transformers. Okay. Because my son had a transformers birthday party.

So I turn on, Hey, you know which one I turn on? Hey, you know which one I turn on? People are like, people probably like, Oh,

which one did you see? You know which one I turned on? What transformers I turn on? You know which one I turn on? One of them. Annie. Huh? I'll tell you. The only thing I know is it wasn't the first one. Hey dude. Hey Chris, which transformer did you turn on? Doesn't matter. Did it have dinosaur transformers in it? I don't remember. Maybe I think there were baby dinos in it, but I don't know.

So I turn it on. Mark Wahlberg was in it. It was one of those. And I'm watching it. And how, how, how do, it doesn't matter. They could make anything. Look, the movies are bad. They're obviously bad. They're supposed to be bad. Okay. You're supposed to be bad. You cannot look at me and tell me that Transformers, the movie, is supposed to be good. You can't. Period. And I don't mean the Shia LaBeouf one. I don't know. Maybe that one was good. I haven't seen it in a long time. But you just cannot look at me and tell me, hey, dude, Fast and the Furious, Transformers, that movie G.I. Joe, that's a good movie. Transformers that movie G.I. Joe that's a good movie because it's not supposed to be dude okay you can't yeah it's a good movie and it's supposed to be good

no hey dude no so I turned on something yo actually I just remembered one of the titles of the Transformers movies dude the one I saw was The Last Knight okay so here's the thing you know me do you do you know me if you know me if you're a fan of the show and you know chris

you know one thing's for sure dude he didn't stop at watching one so what'd he do after he turned on the last night he looked at the other ones to turn on one of the other ones bro one of the other ones is called this is maybe the worst title in history dark of the other ones, bro, one of the other ones is called, this is maybe the worst title in history, Dark of the Moon. Hey, hey, try harder. Hey, it's not poetry. Dark, not Dark Side. Isn't that like a Pink Floyd album or something?

That's why they couldn't do it. They're like, just take out Side and we can use it for our dorky movie. Dark of the Moon. Okay, so guess what Your boy watched that one too And then guess what, he watched the other one with the beasts in it And then guess what, I'm going to watch a Shia LaBeouf one later I'm such a fucking crazy guy And in the meantime, now I'm like, hey Calvin, you want a Transformers?

He's like, no, I only want one of those cartoon ones So now, the cartoon ones are Are cool i guess but i don't like dude in transform there's so much wrong look i love loved transformers which means i love transformers because if i loved them i love them okay when i was a kid you can't grow up i don't like when people are like yeah that's stupid it's like, dude, you were eight when you liked it. You can reserve a spot in your heart for it in the past. You love it. So I'm watching Transformers. There is so much wrong with this fucking story, period.

Not even the movie. Just the fact that the Transformers, the story is the way it is. Okay, so they're from an alien planet. It, you know what it is? I realized it's so fucking Japanese. It's gotta be from Japan. Dude,

it's so, so they're from a planet called Cybertron, which is cool that the planet's called Cybertron. And they're robots in disguise. Okay. Now, what do they disguise themselves as? Cars. Okay.

But they're cars on cybertron too so my two questions are number one who are you disguising yourself for on cybertron and number two how the fuck do you know about cars? Dude, that is bonkers. They just get to earth and they're like, oh, good. Oh, wow. This is crazy. Just so happens. We look like, hey, look at that. We look just like automobiles. Roll out. I do that. I. Roll out.

I do that. I go, roll out. I go, Autobots, roll out. And Calvin says, do you do that good, Dad? And it makes me feel so good, dude. So I do that. But anyway, we had a blast at Calvin's party. Check out Special Messages' new album, Cheat Death, out now. Go to my page if you want to purchase a 10-word ad or shout out holler.baby slash Chris D'Elia. I was watching,

we got the technical difficulties sorted out, by the way. We made a little cut there. Sorry, guys, but we had to, dude. I couldn't hear myself, and we had the wrong piece in the wrong thing with the microphone, and we got it figured out. But, dude, I was watching. Here's the – let me – so the AI stuff, this Sora – what's it called? Sora AI? AI Sora Sora. All good, dude. We're done, you know?

Here's – my buddy keeps saying it doesn't matter what AI does because people will still want to see real humans. I so push back and disagree with that because AI is going to be so bonkers good. Nobody's going to care. They're just going to make a movie star. If that's fake, you know, Jim clockwork there, that's a guy. And now he's the hero in a bunch of movies and guess what he also does crazy good acting in dramas and he also does he could play a scary guy it's ai sora just it's over and and and people sent me you know a bunch of links to it when once when it dropped and they were like look dude oh

great the you know i can't believe this how can you not believe it we are so beyond fucked we are so beyond fucked hollywood is beyond fucked because they're like well uh then it'll let's have to make better stories. Yeah. But you know who could make a fucking great story? Some guy, some guy who just owns Sora can just make a fucking story and make that happen. Fast and the Furious 11, dude. Hey, I'm going to make it. Fast and the Furious 20.

We'll say that by then I'm going to make and furious 20 and it's gonna be so dope bro paul walker's coming back fucking not just paul walker there's gonna be like i'm gonna put gregory peck in it like and they're all in it they're be in it. You know, my, my third brother, I don't have one, but I'm going to create him an AI. He's going to be racing Sammy Davis Jr. with two good eyes and, and, and, and check this out. The movie's going to make so much sense and it's going to be so dope. And Vin Diesel's not in in it i'm not going to put him in it dude oh well you're not in fast and furious 20 and you might even be dead by then but it doesn't matter because sammy davis jr is dead also and as i died a long time before that but i got him back

in it now alive with two good eyes two alive eyes fast and theious 20 written and directed by Chris Lea. And I know, I know that there's probably going to still be a Fast and Furious 20. That's not the one. The one I make is going to be, is going to be the one dude, because you want to watch it with Vin Diesel in it and, and, and Ludacris and Tyrese and Michelle Rodriguez or whatever the fuck? Or do you want to watch it with Paul Walker, my third brother that doesn't even exist, and Sammy Davis Jr. with two eyes? No-brainer.

And we're going to call it Fast and Absolutely Furious, the part 20. And here's the other thing, free. I'm going to put it on YouTube. First scene is everyone stabbing and killing Vin Diesel, and that's that, for no reason. But after that, it makes sense, and it's a good story. Anyway, because I go into the Sora, I say,

but hey, make it really good, though. But don't make it, you know. Actually actually you know what you can do with sora fix fast and the furious three and make it better make it make more sense yo hollywood is done sora would i swear to god i'm gonna you could do some guy can just make a fucking, you know, you don't need anything. What cooking shows? Gone. Guy Fieri? Gone.

Make a new one. Man Fieri? Gone, right? Emerald? Gone. Turquoise? Bam, that's him. Yeah, dude, you don't.

It's so bonkers. That's him. Yeah, dude. You don't. It's so bonkers. And it's so bonkers. It's going to be so bonkers. And it's well beyond fucked. They're like, dude, I like how Sora was like, well, we only gave it to a few people. That doesn't matter. That doesn't matter.

A few people are evil. Okay. Here. Stunning videos from OpenAI. That doesn't matter. A few people are evil. Okay? Here. Stunning videos from OpenAI's OpenAI. That's what it is. Sora. Six stunning videos from OpenAI's new Sora tool

that looked scary good. And guess what, dude? They got the fingers right. They got the fingers right. Oh, fuck it. This is making me sign into ads. I can't watch this because it's making me sign in. Did this article or something?

Stupid ass. No, hold on. These what look to be like Asians are just walking through the snow. It's snowing and it's nice. Dude, that's it. That's so awesome. Okay, look. So it says,

AI videos just got a whole lot more realistic. Open AI creators. Dude, this is not. Thursday, their new Sora tool, which generates short AI videos based on user prompts. The tool is not yet available to the public. Dude, they should add when it is available to the public. We will have one week roughly

left to live. I mean, dude, it's, you know how fucked up it's going to be? It's already fucked up. Because Trump will do something, we have video of him doing it, and then he'll be like, I didn't do it. And then people are like, good, he didn't do it. So it's already happening. So now you can

have videos of everything. It's all fucked. The tool is not yet available. Open AI CEO Sam Alton was taking requests from users on X. Oh, man. From a grandmother cooking homemade gnocchi. What a stupid suggestion, you know? You just film your grandmother doing it. Because you know somebody who said that misses their grandmother making it.

A monkey playing chess in a park. Look at this. A grandmother cooking homemade gnocchi. What a boring thing to do. Everyone in the cast of Fast and Furious 10 stabbing Vin Diesel. Whoa, this is absolutely crazy. She's really making it gnocchi holy crap the fingers aren't on i love the people that get that they harp on the fingers because it's like dude that it's gonna take a day to fix

one day it's not yet but like once ai figures out by the way they already figured it out they're gonna they already figured out they haven figures out, by the way, they already figured it out. They already figured it out. They have the 90th version already. Even though this is the first version, they have the 90th version because this shit duplicated. It kept on doubling. It kept doubling until they kill us. This is crazy. An instructional

cooking session for homemade gnocchi hosted by a grandmother social media influencer set in rustic Tuscan country kitchen with cinematic lighting. You know? A monkey playing chess in a park. Requested by Mr. Beast. Dude, if you're Mr. Beast, you got power. You could ask for anything. This is what you ask?

Monkey playing chess in a park? Why does it have a red hat on? I voted for Trump too. Pretty wild, okay. The company provided photorealistic... So... Wow.

Prompt. A stylish woman walks down to Tokyo Street filled with warm glowing neon and animated city signage. Wow. This is absolutely crazy. You can create origami underwater. See, you can do any sorts of things. Dude, where's the porn? For real.

Woolly mammoths look like they survived the ice age. There's another one. Several giant woolly mammoths approach treading through a snowy meadow. Their long woolly fur lightly blows in the wind. I mean, the people with the prompts, they think they're novelists, you know? Look at the prompt that this person wrote. Several giant woolly. See, this is why my AI is going to suck.

I'm just going to be like, guys, fucking farting. They're so sloppy and shit comes out of their butt. Oh, do that one. Hey, Mr. Beast, a monkey playing chess? Guys lounging around and then they decide to shit to fart so hard they shit everywhere and then they catch fire and then uh ninjas come in and and decapitate them do that one i want to see those look at this several giant woolly mammoths look at the way the person wrote it woolly mammoths approach treading through a snowy meadow their long woolly fur lightly blows in the wind as they walk snow

covered trees and dramatic snow-capped mountains in the distance mid-afternoon like dude you have to be a fucking novelist yeah wow this is absolutely fucking crazyylized animations too. Wow. Wow. Dude. Oh my God. And I get to be alive during this time? I quit.

I quit life, dude. I'm moving. I'm doing the Yellowstone shit. I'm moving to Montana. I'm staying there. I get the weirdest feeling from that shit. AI art is so dope too.

Because we created it. How about the Rachel Dolezal thing? She lost a job off of an OnlyFans account. I didn't know she had an OnlyFans account. Dude, was this knowledge? Did people know this? This is crazy, dude. Rachel Dolezal has an OnlyFans account. Isn't she fucking 50? How old is she? I don't know how old she is, but that's so crazy. That's so crazy.

That's so crazy. I keep on asking my wife, can I get an OnlyFans account? And she says, no, dude. I was like, dude, do you know how much we could possibly make? I'll just stand in the kitchen and I'll just show my penis on video. And, you know, I'll tighten my knees up and just do, you you know a little bit of jerking or whatever the fuck it's like i you know i don't want to but dude millie's a year you know i'll do it she won't let me man um i wonder how much honestly like if you got straight up like an actor, like an actor, I can't think of a comedian, I don't know, but like an actor like that's as famous as me. I don't know what kind of, what actor that is.

And his wife. And they just started just, the guy just started plugging his, like the second lead on a CSsi show just started an only fans and just plugs his wife on it you know and it's it's 12.99 a month like how much he would make if it was like the second most popular csi and the second lead of csi of that second most so it's like that guy you know and it's just like and and they do like csi type stuff you know it's it's porn i guess so it's like that guy you know and it's just like and and they do like csi type stuff you know it's it's porn i guess but it's just like the the the the only fans video will start like i'm should be like oh do you have do you hack in the county he's like i'm way ahead of you and then all of a sudden it's just like you know stroking and stuff just tightening his knees

up in the kitchen and busting yeah So now she lost a job. She just keep the hits keep coming for her because she was said she was black or something for a while and nobody believed it. She looks like she could be black.

What is Nkechi Diallo formerly known as Rachel Dolezal. She changed her name like she's fucking Prince. Is speaking out after losing her teaching job in Arizona. So here's the deal, dude.

We're not... This is like the kind of thing where it's like, if you can do blackface and not actually be racist, it's possible to actually do it. But you got to know if you do it, everyone's going to think you're racist. Okay?

So, same thing goes for, you're a teacher. It's, maybe they shouldn't judge you if you have an OnlyFans, but you can't do that. You're going to get fired. Okay? Her posts are contrary to our district's use of social media by district employees.

It's shit. Policy of our staff and ethics. Probably it's shit. Look, Diallo sparked controversy in 2015 for identifying as black despite having two white parents. Yo, this lady is... Dude, she's 46. How about this? If you're 46,

don't have an Olyphant unless you're absolutely smoking. Dude, for real. That's okay. If you're smoking, have one if you're 46. This is crazy, dude. Oh, my God. People ask me how they can support.

She wrote, show me some love with an order from my art website. Oh, God. People ask me how they can support. She wrote, show me some love with an order from my art website. Oh man. And her artwork has been known the subject of controversy. Jesus Christ. This woman's living in controversy. Who's she? Me? Oh, plagiarism for a side-by-side artwork? Oh, plagiarism for a side-by-side artwork? Oh, wow. That's the same. She just basically copied it.

That's pretty gangster, honestly. Hey, it's kind of good. Anyway, that's in people, so you know it's true, because people never lies. Wow, man, this really keeps going crazy. I was talking to my therapist the other day and I was like, oh man, I'm, I'm like scared because you think about having kids in this world and it's like, when they're my age, what is this world going to be? Or somebody can hit the red button, you know?

And it's like, she's like, yeah, but every generation thought that. And she's right. And I already knew that. I'm not like one of these guys that doesn't know that. I know that. I know that this generation, the generations always say, oh boy, this next generation is going to hell in a handbag. I understand that.

But it's kind of true in a certain way. I know that, you know, there's more money and there's more good in the world now than there's ever been. But also, dude, there's also more bad though, you know? And also there's more good until there's not. Until there's too many people

and somebody hits the red button, dude. That's what I'm saying. That is absolutely what I'm saying. I just want my... Dude, I'm so happy to be a dad. I want my sons to just thrive, man. Oh, my son... When we do it when I was...

Ah, never mind. I don't want to tell it. I don't want to tell it. I don't want to. I saw the... Dude, the fact that Trump went to sneaker con... Here, hold on. He went to sneaker con. I keep telling myself I won't talk about you know what I actually I'm not talking about

politics but then I did the thing about Elizabeth Warren and then Trump I think if you just say Trump it's politics or if you say Biden it's politics according to YouTube I don't want to get political but you know he's got yeah but he's got ideas dude he wants to shape the world dude the trump president trump high top sneakers sold out hours after the launch saturday at sneaker con in philadelphia i'm surprised it well no because they were only in person so i guess it would have taken hours the shoes called the never surrender high top sneaker you know sell for 399 dollars who what is that who who does that 99 cents 99 dollars thing work on you know you're spending 400 dollars that's like something that in the that worked in the 30s does that still work anyway the pair along with two low top sneakers and 99 bottle of vic $99 bottle of victory 47 perfume is that his perfume trump has perfume victory 47 and cologne were available for purchase on a new website okay so you could get

low top sneakers now so here's the deal I'm not a fan of the high-top sneakers at all. Oh, the low-top ones are bad too, honestly. The Trump. Now, the Trump cologne looks packaged really nicely. $99. You know how we feel about cologne and perfume. It's awful. I thought my wife had it on the other day and I was like, baby, you want perfume? She's like, no. And I was like, all right. Dude, I can't stand perfume and cologne. I can't stand it. I think I'm allergic

to all of it. I don't know. I sneeze. But anyway, Trump says, I just want to tell you, I've been way, I've, I've wanted to do this for a long time. Trump said that Saturday when unveiling the sneaker line, I have some incredible people that worked with me on things and they came up with this. And this is something I've been talking about for 12 years, 13 years. And I think it's going to be a big success. He said, so you're pretty good. I've never done a Trump impression.

Um, a thousand pairs of shoes. So in a few hours, the dude sold $400,000 in shoes. That's so gangster, dude. So there you go. And some were autographed by Trump. Okay. The red wave ones also were $200. Those are like the sock one.

They look like Adidas would have came out with them in 2015. But anyway, the shoes are bad, but I'll tell you what, though. I think they're awful. I don't like gold shoes like that, but I'll tell you what,

I'd cop them in an instant, dude. For real. And guess what? I'd get them in any size. I don't care. I'd crunch in them. I wouldn't them in an instant, dude, for real. And guess what? I'd get them in any size. I don't care. I'd crunch in them. I wouldn't wear them, though, because I'd want to resell them. Dude, they're reselling for like thousands of dollars. Isn't that wild? You could just make a shoe.

I gotta make a shoe. It's probably so... I'd probably make the worst shoe, you know? I'd just be like, and this is for your condoms, this pouch right here. Yeah, he went to Sneaker Con. I went to Complex Con. I went to those conventions.

There's conventions for everything. It's crazy. I had the guys over last night. I had Brent Morin, Rick Glassman, and I had David Sullivan. And then my wife was here and our friend, Jerrica. And we were all watching a movie. Now, here's the deal, dude. Rick Glassman, last time he came over, he picked.

Rick Glassman, if you don't know him, he's a comedian podcaster. We were on Undateable together. Great guy. Funny. You guys know Brent Morin, same. Undateable. It i was undone undateable reunion really i didn't realize it dude so we watching last time they were over rick picked the movie he picked the movie moonfall by with uh the worst piece of shit ever with uh halle berry it's so bad and then halfway through Rick admitted that he watched it and he's already seen it dude and I'm like this is so bad and look I like bad movies but not like that it was too bad

anyway so now I'm like let's watch maybe one that looks interesting so I pick this movie called Monolith which is all takes place in one room one house house, which I'm not, I don't love movies like that, but it all takes place in one house. It's about a woman who has a podcast and she's starting a new podcast and these black bricks are getting delivered to people. And it's this alien thing. And she's trying to uncover it all while doing this podcast, these episodes of this podcast sounds boring as shit, kind of was boring as shit, but I'll tell you what boring movies are my favorite movies. Okay. movies okay because because i i like when movies take their time and anyway it was boring but it was it was worth watching and it

was i don't know if it's worth watching but it's okay but dude rick was like oh man this one sucks and i was like you don't get to say shit because of the fucking moonfall movie that we had to watch and dude he was complaining about so much like all right i'll turn it off and then i realized that he said oh uh he was making everyone think no sorry he was making me think that i needed to change the channel and put something else on and when i went to go do it everyone was like no it's okay i like the movie and i realized oh shit that's what i do dude he was doing what i did to people and i look at my wife my wife was like this is what you do everyone has to watch what you watch but this was rick's doing and she's like yeah well it's annoying when you do it too fuck dude and he's coming over tomorrow for a facial dude my wife

yo my wife's getting a facial that someone's coming over to do a facial on my wife and Rick Glassman. Like he's just coming over to get a facial. I've never had a facial. I don't want a facial. My wife is so, you got to get a facial and get your feet done too. What do you call it? Dude, it's amazing what women, what they turn into, you know? Like they just, my, like like she she looks at me at my

feet the other day and she sees my yellow toenails and she says you gotta get that checked out and i'm like what and she's like your toenails and i was like they've been like that for 20 years and she's like well that's why you get checked out and i'm like i don't want to get them checked out and she's like well you should dude i keep putting off my colonoscopy could you fucking imagine if i went to the doctor to show him a yellow toenail dude one time i went in to a doctor's office because i kept getting this is kind of graphic how do i say without a fissure that's the what it's called you it's when you're the inner wall of your it's so gross. It's not really that gross. The inner wall of your rectum is chapped and it bleeds. Actually, it sounds so gross.

I kept getting them because I didn't drink enough water, I guess, back when I was like 32. I kept going to the doctor. I was like, yo, my butt's bleeding again. And the last time I went, he was like, again, well, all right. And I was like,

oh, I'm never coming back again. Dude, be nice. The more embarrassing the thing is with the doctor, be, I'm coming in about my anus, bro. And he's like, oh, I'll check again. Okay. I'm okay. All right. You know what?

Hey, I might be, I might die, die because of bleeding from the anus because of your reaction. It was like when like when my wife, dude, we were at dinner once with my business manager and my wife was talking about the wedding. And she was like, is it okay if we spend this much? Dude, my business manager goes like this. Yes. And I go, oh, that cost me $100 thousand dollars. Oh, that little chuckle cost me,

huh? Dude, you're going to sit across from a dinner. You're going to sit across from an Italian restaurant. My wife is okay. If we'd spend this much, he goes, well, yeah, you could spend that. Oh dude, that little chuckle. Oh, that little chuckle cost me a hundo. I go, hmm. Anyway. So I watch this movie with them. And my wife is like, you know what? Sometimes women be saying stuff. and I just don't really,

you know, she says, you know what someone should do? Make a place with a stage that's for podcasts and they're live so people could come see them and you just have podcasts each each night

now on its face hey if you like podcasts that's a fantastic idea but then you run into a whole bunch of other problems so i'm hitting my wife with all the problems i'm like well sweetie uh podcast everyone listens to them at home and in their work so going out to see them live they might do that once in a while, but not every night. And she says, well, you get different podcasts each night. I say, okay, how do you book them? She says, well, you just get comedians you like.

I say, who? She's like, well, like the four of you. You guys will go and do one one night and you do a podcast. It's like a live podcast everyone goes to see because they would love to see it. And I said, okay, and then who, how do you get paid?

And she says, well, you make money off the tickets. I say, okay, so then the four of us make money. So I'm taking a fourth of the money i would make then if i would to go do stand-up at this place because i get all the money and she was like well yeah but it's fun and i said oh yeah i know but i don't want to do that i don't want to go out for a night and by the way if i do she could be like oh you're going out again oh so yeah so you set up a booby trap sweetie so now that's another reason why it can't be done and then i say so it's specifically like for pockets she's like yeah i was like so what about how you could just do a podcast

anywhere else you could do it at the laugh factory the comedy store the improv you you do people do live podcasts at theaters and she was like huh i still think it's a good idea and i'm like but it's been debunked chicks get an idea in their head you know and they're just like they just need to do it you know which i should have done it how much of a dude would i have been if i just did it and i'm like okay i made the theater now look it's not getting booked. The hang idea was the craziest part. Actually, babe, she popped in the, she popped in the door and said, what about the hang idea? This is actually the craziest. This is about the crazy. This is about the craziest part, babe, babe. She closed the door. She says, but don't you think people would love to pay to watch you guys hang out and i said yeah

they pay to watch us fuck too i don't want them here it's like inviting people over to my house i invited four of them over to my house because i wanted them over to my house not random people buying popcorn i know they're in the audience, but also... Dude, you can't just be like they're just hanging. You're cute. You're cute as shit. You are cute as shit.

I debunked it. I don't know, man. She's cute as shit, you know i calvin's four dude i can't believe calvin's i can't believe we have a four-year-old and an almost one-year-old dude god kids are so funny we we made it we had a cake and we brought him out with a cake out uh on his birthday the birthday party was on the 17th and his birthday is the 18th on the 18th we had a birthday cake for him and we lit up we lit matches and put it like okay we got to blow it out happy birthday to you we do all the birthday and then he and he said okay um blow them out but wait

kristen says make a wish i said you make a wish you don't tell us and then you keep it to yourself and then you blow the candles out and then the wish might come true all right it's all bullshit doesn't happen but you know for kids like for kids, it's like, oh, really? Okay, cool. Another fun thing that everyone lies about. So we say, okay. So he goes like this. So he says, okay.

And he goes like this. Okay. And he goes and blows out the candles. And then Kristen says, wait. Oh, wait. No, it was before he blew out the candles. It was before he blows out the candles. And then Kristen says, wait. Oh, wait, no, it was before he blew out the candles. It was before he blew out the candles. He goes, okay, I have it. And then Kristen says, wait, before you blow out,

you need to make a wish and don't tell anyone, okay? And he says, okay. And then I said, remember, don't tell anyone. I said, do you have it? And he says, inflatable wacky tube, man. Cracked on the stand, you know? Also, I don't want to say worst wish because so cute and that's what he wants. But we have 20 of them.

So he told us, and now he can't get one because the wish can't come true because he said it out loud, and we told him not to twice. No, three times. She said it twice. I said it once. So there we go. The funniest part on his birthday, I think that was when he woke up. Cause he,

he slept in our bed on the night before, like as a fun thing, he woke up in the morning and I said, Calvin, or I think actually Kristen said, Calvin, you're four. And he said,

I am right now. Dude. So cute. Ah. Ah. Dude, so cute. It is what it is. It's so cute. It's so beautiful. Oh, I'm going to be in Kitchener.

I'm going to be in... Fuck, I forgot to plug my dates. Great. I'm going to be in Rochester. Actually, I've been selling a lot of tickets to Rochester lately. I don't know what's going on. They amped up the promotion maybe. Corpus Christi. And I will be in

Houston and also Shreveport. So, go get tickets. And I got Chattanooga coming. Bunch of different ones. Norfolk. Chrisley.com. Thanks for listening to the podcast. And that's it for YouTube. If you want to watch the

rest of the episode on patreon watch the extended episode you pay just six bucks and you can watch all of the every month we come out with an extra patreon episode that is accessed and you can watch that as well and it is absolutely bonkers and it you can watch 30 i think we have 36 of them on there now so if you pay just six bucks you watch all 36 of them right now patreon. So if you pay just $6, you watch all 36 of them right now. Patreon.com. Thank you very much, guys.