Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 367. Intrusive Thoughts

Episode Date: February 29, 2024

😮 Get 10-word ads at holler.baby/chrisdelia (PRICE DROP!) 🎤 MY SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is here: chrisdelia.com/god 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. This week Chris is thinking about protein powder, Shane Gillis, the WNBA and having a few intrusive thoughts. (Featuring Roundball Rock by John Tesh) Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys and welcome to another episode of congratulations. I do this because so I get I have what do call it? A little bit of tennis elbow. What do they call it? Tendonitis. And when I have, I got a good stretch. I got a bunch of good stretches from my buddy Anthony, who works with the Lakers over there, you know. And since I'm an athlete, he sent me over some ideas. And this one's the best, dude, for the tendonitis.

Take your one finger like this, put your arm straight, dude, and then just bend it like this. Bend the hand like Beckham, just like that. Just do it like that. Now, here's the thing, dude. I do this a lot now. I do it a lot because you don't just stretch before you work out. You stretch on the days that you're resting too to keep it stretched. And so I'm walking around like this a lot. And that's also the thing that the white supremacists do. So I don't mean to do that. I don't want to do that. I'm not a white supremacist.

If you see me doing that, it's because I'm stretching out my tendonitis. All right? Remember that guy who got like just completely doxxed because he was driving by someone and just his hands happened to be like that? Or the cop that was just in a picture also this means a-okay you know so it's a-okay but also it's a-okay-kay-kay more like that um so yeah anyway that's what i do and i did that at the gym and uh and now i'm feeling good though dude and i did i did the pull-ups i did whatever i don't want to talk about the the workout but i will say though you know. And I did the pull-ups. I did whatever. I don't want to talk about the workout.

But I will say, though, you know what going to the gym is for me? I'll tell you what going to the gym is for me. It's a bit like a video game. It's like a choose-your-own, not a choose-your-own adventure, a role-playing game, gym. There should be a game called Gym and G-Y-M. There should be a game called gym and GYM, and you go to the gym as either. Well, no, you go to the gym, period. And when you get there, you have to, the whole goal is to talk to no one.

And you have to avoid eye contact with people. Okay. Now I understand I'm, I have a bit of like, you know, people know who I am. So people are going to talk to me more than a regular person, but my whole time at the gym is trying to avoid eye contact because I don't want anybody to say anything to me. Not because I don't like people. I love people. But when I go to the gym, I don't want to have a, I don't even mind saying, Hey, but you don't know. Oh, Hey, what's up? Hey, bro. Hey, well, thank you very much. Oh, cool. Good. Good to see you. But, but I, what I don't want to do is get locked, get absolutely locked in to one of those conversations that lasts because bro, when I'm at the gym, I'm there to do it, right? I'm there to jump around. I'm there to push weight, I'm there to do it, right?

I'm there to jump around. I'm there to push weight. Push roms like weight. Push roms like weight. I'm there to do that like that, all right? So anyway, that's what I'm there to do. And if somebody comes up to me and talks to me, very cool, keep it brief.

Because guess what? My heart rate's at 140 something, okay? How am I supposed to be talking? Some people go to talk. Some people go, that's their social life. And that's great. I think that's cool. I got to learn about boundaries. I guess I got to be like, you know what? I'm actually going to finish this set. Let me do two, three more. And then I'm going to have a conversation with you,

even though I still don't want to, but it's all good. It's all good. But anyway, I'm trying to avoid eye contact. And it's so weird. This is one woman at the gym that talks to everyone and has never talked to me and now i'm like i think she probably either knows my comedy knows something and just hates me i always think people hate me because she talks to everyone but me um and i'm like uh and i'm working out today and finally she said something like oh and she's like oh it said something nice and i'm like, and I'm working out today. And finally, she said something like, oh. And she's like, oh, it said something nice. And I'm like, oh, I just make stuff up, dude. I guess I just make stuff up in my head. Oh, that person hates me.

Dude, I can't get over that. It's so stupid. I know I talked about it in my last special, Grow or Die. You can go get it at chrysalia.com. But every time I walk in a room, I think everybody hates me. Every time he walks in a room, he thinks everybody hates him. Hey, it's all good, baby. But yeah, and that's super sad, but it's all good.

But yeah, is it because I went to pre-K? When I went to preschool, one of the teachers grabbed my face too hard and it was abusive? Yeah, it could have been. Could it have been? I stood down the slide headfirst. What did she do? She goes like this and squeezed my face so hard. Could it be that? I don't know. Did it happen in my developmental years? Yes, dude. And do I develop slowly? Yes, I develop

slowly. I'm 43 and I am a 30-year-old. I am how a 30-year-old should be. I develop slowly. When I was 12, I was six. I developed slowly. I even went through puberty late. I went through puberty late. It's like 8.30 p.m. Hey. No, but I went through it late. Anyway, it is what it is. It's a lifelong battle. And then you die, right? Then you die. It is what it is. It's a lifelong battle. And then you die, right? Then you die. Isn't that like I'm going to be 44 and I think about, oh, my God.

Half of my life is over. And the only thing that matters is now, I guess, right? But then also now is now too. You ever think about that? And now is also now. And pretty soon now is going to be the end. And then after that, now won't be anything because you'll be dead. All good? Manialist. Right? But these are the things I think of. And I have OCD and that's okay. But I do. I have OCD. And the intrusive thoughts have been very, very, very, very, very, very hardcore lately.

I wake up intrusive thought. I go to bed intrusive thought. Hang out with my son. Everything's great, but wait a second. There's an intrusive thought. Put the little one down to sleep. Intrusive thought. Wake up intrusive thought. Okay. I'm going to watch a little bit of Dateline. Intrusive thought. Everyone's going to kill me. Intrusive thought. You know what I'm saying? Am I going to get poisoned? Intrusive thought. Do I think about it too much? Yes. Is it all good? No. It's controlling my life. Intrusive thought. Do I think about it too much? Yes. Is it all good? No. It's controlling my life. Intrusive thoughts are controlling my life. And let me tell you something. If intrusive thoughts aren't controlling your life, who are you and what kind of unimaginative person are you?

Here we are making excuses for it. Yay, dude. Here we are. Here we are for making excuses. Here we are for thinking you're uh uh uh terminal uniqueness yay but i just don't know dude i don't know man i gotta i gotta shed that shit you know i'm up on my uh uh pro prozac what is it that i have to take the i don't know what the hell it is pros the generic version of prozac he He's on 80 milligrams. Holy shit. Everyone, he's on 80 milligrams. Holy shit. Every day he takes 80 milligrams.

Holy shit. Dude, he might take more. He's thinking about hitting up his psychiatrist maybe to take more. Holy shit, dude. He may honestly go to 100 milligrams. Holy shit. He's going to be the only guy on 500 milligrams a day of Prozac. Holy shit, dude.

Just 500 milligrams. Just no intrusive thoughts, but also no thoughts. Dude, I want to take so much. Well, no, we don't talk about that, the drug abuse and all that stuff. I would never do that. Good thing I never took drugs because if I did, wow, we'd be dead. It's all good, dude. I don't mean to start this podcast off as a nihilist, but baby, I'm a nihilist. Dude, I don't mean to start this podcast off as a nihilist, but baby, I'm a nihilist. Anyway, we're off and running and we're kicking. I went to, dude, you know what he did do today, though?

You know what he did? I wrote, well, no, I don't want to. I went to the gym and then after that, I ran out of protein powder. Now, dude, I don't like, let me tell you something right now. I don't like talking about protein powder. I don't like talking about protein powder. I don't like talking about protein. I don't like talking about eating chicken. I don't like talking about getting your protein in.

I don't like talking about how much protein you eat. I got a buddy that can't go three days without talking about what protein did you have. And I hang up on him. I mean, we're not on the phone, but mentally I just go, and it's corny to talk about protein. Alas, here we go. I ran out of the protein powder. Now, years ago, somebody told me what protein powder to get. I got two, I got two big clunks of it. Just, you know, you can get the, for some reason, like there's just too much protein powder in a, in a, in a pro in a thing. It's just like, you need a, what do you call it? One of those, one of those dollies to bring it. I got two of them. They delivered it to the house. I'm talking about, I got them seven, no five, six years ago, dude, got them. I got two or three. I think I must've gotten three just finished them. Okay. Just

finished them when just finished them went you know here and there with taking the protein lately i've been really on it because i want to get the gains and i you know what i mean i'm doing working on my pull-ups been pushing the bench i don't like to talk about working out but um finished it went to but so i was like you know what i'm gonna i'm gonna hit up bradley martin you know raw talk. I was like, Hey, what's a good protein to get? He said, I'm going to send you some. I said, Oh really? He said, yeah. What's your address? I give him my address. I go like this. Great. Can't wait. Didn't get it. Didn't send it. Obviously forgot it. All good. Doesn't matter. Not going to hit him up. It was a protein. Don't care.

Right. It was a nice gesture for him to even suggest it. Also, maybe it just didn't come yet. I have no idea. Okay. So I, uh, I'm now I'm not going to ask him, Hey dude, I know you didn't send the protein, but I actually want to go get protein. So what's you never answered me. What's a good protein to get whatever, dude, I'm in this little bit of a, you know, I'm in a, I'm in a tight, I'm in a tight spot here. So I can also ask another muscly guy, but you know, he's a bit of my friend. So I'm like, you know what? After the gym, I say, Hey, you know what? I'm just going to go to GNC. I'm going to go to GNC like a fucking asshole. You know what I'm talking about? Anyone that goes to GNC is a fucking asshole. And I don't mean you shouldn't get stuff from GNC. I do not mean that

at all. I don't mean you shouldn't get GNC products. I mean, get them online. Going into a GNC now is like going in to a RadioShack it online also is radio shack even i don't even know but dude if so but i know nothing about protein stuff so i'm like you know and you know what and i'm like dude i'm out i'm out i'm having a good time i don't really go out that much i do two things besides go on the road i i drink coffee i go out to get coffee and i go work out so you know what i'm at right now going to gsc so i go to gnc dude now i didn't know gncs were standalone shops i thought they were only at the mall i literally thought that they were only next to j crews or fucking orange juliuses on floor two the furthest away from the you're right here dot, right? Where the fucking,

where is it? Oh, it's next to Claire's Accessories and fucking Electronic Boutique. Oh, it's all the way over near the, not the Macy's, the other one, the Dillard's or whatever the fuck. Oh, it's so far, I got to go. So I go to the standalone GNC. I walk in. Hey, dude. First of all, well, let me say there's two reasons to go to GNC. One is if you're a fucking asshole. Two is if you are wider than you are tall. Okay? Because you're a beefcake.

Okay? And if you've been to Ultra in Miami more than two times. Okay? So I go to GNC. And I'm the only guy who is going to GNC, by the way, that isn't listening to Sandstorm, the song Sandstorm, in his car. And I get out. And I walk in. Now.

One guy in there. And he works there. Okay? So just goes to show you, the only people that go to GNC are, well, now, the guys and he works there. Okay. So just goes to show you the only people that go to GNC are, well, now the guys are who are wider than they are tall, fucking assholes and guys that work there. That's fine. Okay. But I'm like, what kind of guy works at GNC? I don't know who works at GNC. Does a, does a regular guy work at GNC or does like a GNC nutritionist work at GNC? Or does a guy have to go to a class and know shit? Or do you just, are you just literally there because you're an in-person cash register?

Right? So I go in there and I'm like, what kind of guy does it? Now, the guy who's in there, pudgy Indian guy. And I'm just like, huh? I guess you don't have to know shit. Because now I don't mean to be, I'm not being racist at all. I'm it's more about the, and I, you know, I'm, I'm taking a Liberty was saying he's pudgy. He could have been in great. I don't know how strong he was, but it wasn't the guy I thought

that would work at GNC. All right. I walk in and the guy, now I'm, I don't, here's what I don't want. The number one thing I don't want when I go into a place, don't ask me if I want help. If I want help, I'll come to you. Now, of course, that's backwards than what everybody wants. When you walk in, people usually want help because you're going to a place. That's why you're not online ordering the stuff now, right? So the guy says, hey, can I help you? And I go, all right, I right, I guess we're doing this.

I'm full on, I am in full on person mode right now today. Okay. I did something and now I'm doing another thing and I'm out in public and somebody's asking me if I want help. I'm straight up. I might as well be a mom at this point. Know what I'm talking about? Like I am full on brain activated person mode, you know, because like we're not people every

day, every day. Some, some days you ever lie around like a sack of shit. You ever just lie around or how about when you just go to work and you're on autopilot? You're not really being a person, but I'm a, I mean, I just worked out. I am engaged. I walk into a GNC. Somebody says, how may I help you? Here we go. I'm just absolutely locked in and I'm ready to go because I'm a person. So I say, yeah, I'm just kind of looking

around. I ran out of my protein stuff. And then I made a fatal mistake, I said, because I kind of got, I would just, I was feeling too good, I was feeling too good as a person, you know, when you're out there, and you're just like feeling your shit, you're like, dude, I'm, I'm, I'm actually, let's just strike it up, because I'm also, if I can lead the conversation, I'm better. If somebody comes up to me off guard, I'm fucked. But the guy says, uh, what do you want? Uh, he said, you know, how can I help you? I said, oh yeah, I didn't have my protein. I said, I ran out and you know what? I'm sick of my other stuff. You know, I don't want to get the same stuff as before. And now that is just a green light for, well, you know what? You know? Why don't we look at the,

over here, what do you want to, do you want to? So I'm like, oh God, here we go. So the guy who looks like he wouldn't work at GNC says, why don't you try this? It's new. And guess what? Already sold. You know why? I don't care. Okay? Whatever. You know?

Hey. Also, it's a little bottle. It's this big. It's not a big jumbo thing. So I'm like, oh, good. I'm like, I mean, it doesn't take up too much space. And he says, I said, oh, yeah? He says, yeah, it's fire.

I say, first of all, I didn't know. I did not know Indian guys say fire like that. Unless they were like, oh, look at that guy blowing fire out of his mouth or something, right? Like I didn't know. But he was just like, yo, this GNC product is fire. It's called like boa or something. I don't even know what that was called. This is fire.

I was like, oh yeah? He says, yeah. Because it's got this in it. I don't know what he's saying, but he said, it's got this in it. So you know it's called like boa or something i don't even know what that was called this is fire i was like oh yeah he says yeah because it's got this in it i don't know what he's saying but he said it's got this in it so you know it's fire he said and i said oh really he said yes it's actually it's really great and it's got no sugar in it no added sugar so that's fire and he kept saying an ingredient was in it and then it was fire so i say all right and he kept saying it until i finally said you know what that is fire all right i And he kept saying it until I finally said, you know what? That is fire. All right, I'll get it. And he said, cool. Do you want another one? Because if you get two, the second one's half off. And I said, no, no, thank you. He says, all right. I go ring it up. And he says, all right, cool. Oh, look, you save 40 bucks. If you get the other one, I said, oh,

no, no, no, no. I'm selling it. Now I feel like this isn't fire. Now I feel like that this is the one that the promo thing is that maybe you're making a percentage out of this shit. So now I'm going to put stuff into my body. I don't know what it is, but I didn't know what it was anyway even for the past five years. So it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Protein is protein and whatever it is, but I don't like talking about protein. I don't talk about protein. And afterwards, I ate a chicken, dude. So it's all good, man.

I got to get fucking protein. I got a protein bar. Dude, I'm going to eat so much protein. I swear to God, I'm not going to shit for three weeks. I'm going to eat so much protein. It's going to be so packed into me and I don't get straight up. I'm not going to shit. three weeks. I'm going to eat so much protein. It's going to be so packed into me. And I don't, yeah, straight up. I'm not going to shit. It's going to be so clogged up. People are just going to be like, is that Chris over there?

And I'm just going to be like, just the protein up to my lungs. Just what's wrong with Chris? All I do is the protein. I haven't shit. I haven't shit three weeks. What kind of protein are you eating? I don't know, but there's no added sugar. It's a...

It's fire. Oh, yeah? Yes, absolutely fire. Glutamine and all that stuff is fire. Really? What is it? Here we go with GNC and Lorcan and Victoria. There's a bunch of Indian guys. So that's why it's fire.

You get two. One and a half off. So anyway, that was my day, dude. And you know what else happened? Nothing. That's it it that was it that was straight up it so there you go and there you have it the patreon episode last week are the was the uh was the one i i talked with cal you got to sign up for the patreon to see that but that was so fun to be talking with cal he just ran in and we started talking and it was really beautiful. I love that. And it was super

funny. You know, the boy's got the gift of God just like his father, right? Just like his father. Just like his father. I will be in, let's see, Houston, Shreveport, Corpus Christi, doing stand-up shows, Durham, North Carolina, that's my

birthday show uh norfolk virginia grand rap grand rapids michigan fort wayne indiana saginaw nine nanaimo bc which is a place that they just made up they had like extra letters and they were just like we got two ends and then some vowels just throw it Just make it out of there. And then Victoria, BC. Augusta, Georgia. Have I played Augusta yet? North Charleston, South Carolina.

St. Petersburg, Florida. Chattanooga, Tennessee. Charleston, West Virginia. Des Moines and Green Bay. Never been to Green Bay. There's only 100,000 people in Green Bay. Dude, what is... There's a shooter in uh august augusta now in the college i think he was shooting up the college or whatever and that's that's really sad

um do you see it no made it up completely made it up somebody said that to me i don't know if it's true all this stuff this ai and what people are saying and all this, you know, what is fact? I don't know what's fact. I don't know what's fact or not fact anymore. I just straight up don't know. And somebody says, hey, did you hear this? And I use that as a talking point in another conversation because I'm a fucking idiot. Oh, yeah, there was a shooter in Augusta. Oh, really? Yeah.

Who told you that? Frank? You know, it may not be true. I don't give a fuck. I don't know. Frank Augusta. Oh, really? Yeah. Who told you that? Frank, you know, it may not be true. I don't give a fuck. I don't know. Frank said it. Take it up with him. But, yeah. So, I just don't.

I don't know. I don't know anymore, you know. Oh, shit. oh shit the fucking uh the shane gillis stuff on snl is crazy to me um i i don't here's the dude. Like comedy is always going to exist. Like you're going to be able to, I mean, look, I guess they could go really far and make laws against, you know, certain things you can't say. And of course there's always going to be the networks that shy away from the stuff.

And Shane Gillis was canceled a long time ago when he got Saturday Night Live because people, you know, dug up, you know, something he said on the podcast. I don't even know what it was. And now it all came full circle. He hosted Saturday Night Live now. And I guess I haven't been online, honestly, but I kind of looked the other day at a few things, and people were like, this is unbelievable.

things and people were like this is unbelievable you know he's talked about uh down syndrome and uh i don't know i don't know what else but people were like saying this is outrageous and i'm just like here's there's here's the thing if you don't like that i like it i like his i like him doing his jokes i like he should be able to do that stuff if you don't like that if you think some things are off limits and you shouldn't do stand-up uh jokes about certain things and you shouldn't talk about certain things fine but when you say or when you write articles about this is terrible, what he talked about was awful, you're only, only losing.

Because the people who think it's okay or even marginally are like, don't care, they have to make that guy their hero now. Oh, well, they can't. What do you mean you can't say that? Oh, fuck. Oh, you know what? No.

Yeah, good, good. If you just let it go it would be fine but it's not you don't let it go so now there needs to be a hero if you make him a bad guy then that means the people who don't believe that have to think that you're the bad guy. When it could all just be chill. It could just be a joke. But you made it that way. So now the gloves are off, I guess.

You know? It's just weird. It's so odd. Because nobody really cares. That's why in a week no one cares. because nobody really cares. That's why in a week no one cares because nobody really cares. You don't win that way. You know? You don't win that way, I don't think.

But, yeah, props to him for doing it. You know, I like when comedians do Saturday Night Live hosting. You know, also the funniest thing to me was didn't he say something about asians the first time around when he got fired at snl and then uh there's that big that big asian there's asians in the cast like i love how they just like right now what was the guy's name bowen or something like I love how that dude is just like, you're getting, you're getting who? Oh, okay. Like he can't, like he, he can't, but, but, but what about this stuff? Oh, it doesn't matter now anymore. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Okay. Well then I'll just, you want me to still do goofy characters? Oh, okay. Okay. You know, everyone is so

scared of everything that it's just, just relax. It's all fine. We're here along for the ride. It's going to be fine, dude. And if it's not, it's not going to be because of someone said on a comedy show. It's not going to not be fine because of something somebody said on a comedy show. It's going to be not okay because of other things like war, like fighting,

like somebody poisoned someone, not because of a monologue on Jimmy Kimmel. And I don't even like the fucking late night talk shows. I'm just saying you don't have to worry about it um but I don't know you know people are like it's a win for comedy it's it's it's not people it's fine it's fine say whatever they're trying let me tell you something um there is a magazine and i'm telling you right now there is a magazine there is a magazine called pedro pascal okay there is fucking pedro pascal magazine okay hey you are making you are creating you know what

you're creating honestly for pedro pascal a fucking disaster you know what i'm talking about he is going to be so fucked people can't handle that shit this like you know you become crazy he's going to have an awful life because of and and and you are building him up to maybe he's not white. So, but you're building him up to tear him down. I know he's a Latin and also gay, I think.

So maybe he won't be torn down, but they had, there's a Pedro Pascal magazine, like the psychotic example, this physical example that I have now that I have to do. But by the way, I like Petra Pascal. I'm not saying I don't. To learn my lines.

What do you got there, Petra? So this is this like psycho first letter of every gibberish. That you do next to the actual text. Yeah, like, well, no, like I'll

take it. So you just see the bunch of letters, right? So basically, I'm the Unabomber. Yes. You just use the first letter of each word and in kind of these sort of like towers,

these like columns, I guess. Wow, that is crazy. And then it's this very very tedious way of like making yourself learn the line um so that you're not um I suppose like making choices while like if if you're in a scramble and trying to sort of like learn text really quickly it isn't even sort of that artistic it really is this kind of like technical way i guess that that that i've had to acquire because of that horrible experience of forgetting your lines oh man wow wow acting is so not hard you know that they have to do this bullshit to be like i'm hey i'm really working. Look, dude, there are great actors.

Peter Pascale is a great actor. I'm not saying he's not. I'm just saying the thing that has convinced actors that they're so necessary for survival, the celebrity of it. There's the top-level acting. You can make acting as hard as you want like you know what acting mostly is learning lines and you know how you learn lines you just

keep going over and over them you keep going over and over them i take out the first letter of every every uh thing and i put it on a graph and then i this way i know and then i know dude it's just easy and you're making it hard because you feel bad you don't do anything and i I know, dude, it's just easy and you're making it hard because you feel bad. You don't do anything. And I know hot take. I get it. And he's a good actor. I'm not trying to say he's not.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just stirring a pot, but it's just like, did you see the thing about how it said I was, dude, I was scrolling and there was news and it said Pedro Pascal has admitted that there is a – he started a Fantastic Four group chat. And I didn't click on it because I don't care. But I guess he's doing Fantastic Four. It's going to be him and John Krasinski, I think. And they were going to make the silver server a woman, which was great, which was so great. They stopped doing that, I think, because Madame Webb ate utter shit.

And they're like, okay, all right, we tried. All right, listen, women, we tried, okay? But it's like, you just, the box office keeps eating shit. So we're going to make them men again. Because women don't want to see themselves as the women silver surfer.

If I say to my wife, hey, you think it'd be cool if the silver surfer was a woman? You know what my wife would say? What the fuck is the silver surfer was was a woman you know what my wife would say what the fuck is the silver surfer you know i had to listen to this thing on apple news it was like w the wnba was isn't just has got a few tricks up its sleeve and it's not just women's basketball and it's like dude i guess this article was trying to say that women's basketball wmba was more watched now and made more money now and was

more competitive now than it's ever been and i'm just like cool it's been around 28 years all right so course and also everything gets more right cheese gets cheesier chickens get bigger you know what i'm talking about comedy gets edgier right people get madder sports get better and pretty soon women can dunk but they can't so it's like the wn okay, it's making more money. It's generating to it. They're like, it generated $200 million last year. That's double. Okay, fine. But my whole thing is, honestly, who's watching it?

Who's watching the WNBA? Comment if you are. And I don't mean who's watching highlights. I don't mean that. I don't mean who's watching highlights. I don't mean that. I don't mean who's the curiosity clique. I mean who sits and turns on ESPN 9 and goes like this. Oh, dude, I can't wait. The Sparks are playing the Cherries or whatever the fuck their names are. Can't wait, dude.

And then sits down for two and a half hours and watches. Watches a bunch of layups. Oh, shit, she takes it to the hole. She takes it to the hole. Okay, well, she did a layup, yeah. Oh, here she goes. Oh, she did the crossover. Oh, she did it.

Oh, okay, there's another layup. All right. Oh, dude, she gets the ball. Oh, she passes it to another person, another girl. Oh, shit. Oh, okay, okay, so it was a layup. Yeah, okay, okay. Well, she missed it. Oh, wait, oh, wait. Her teammate gets it. Okay, yeah, no, it gets the ball. Oh, she passes it to another person. Another girl. Oh, shit. Oh, okay. Okay. So it was a layup. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Well, she missed it. Oh, wait, wait. Her teammate gets it. Okay. Yeah. No, it's a layup. Like that's just, and she shoots the three point. Oh, and it hit the rim.

Oh, she picks it up. Oh, okay. No. Yeah. She made a layup. That's the announcers for the fucking WNBA. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

She gets it. Oh, she gets it. Nothing exciting. Oh, shit. Oh, she made a layup. Okay, cool. Great. Great.

And another thing. Oh, go, go. She got the ball. Oh, off the rim. Oh, she rebounded. Oh, she gets it. Oh, she gets it. Nothing exciting. Oh, shit. Oh, she made a layup. Okay, cool. Great. Great. And another thing. Oh, go, go. She got the ball. Oh, off the rim. Oh, she rebounded. Oh, she dropped it. Oh, she got it. Oh, nothing exciting. Oh, she made the layup. Okay. Oh, she got a layup. Another layup. Okay. And I'm just like, I know I'm hating, but like, dude, you're like watching the WNBA and I'm just like, I know I'm hating, but like, dude, you're like watching the WNBA and I'm just like, hi, LeBron plays. You're playing the day to the fucking NBA. And I'm just like, okay.

Oh, hi, James Harden plays. Turn on that. Dude, you really want to see it go up in smoke. Put it on during the NBA. That's football, whatever but then what's the baseball the basketball one um fuck yeah dude a layup. Even the highlights are just a pass.

She didn't travel. The highlights aren't even positive. They're at least not negatives. She passed it. She made it. Not a brick Oh, she got hit in the tits and kept on going Oh, got kicked in the P-U-S-S-Y But that's fine because she doesn't have a C-O-C-K She kept going, dude, like a juggernaut

Oh, there's a layup, okay kept going, dude, like a juggernaut. Oh, it's a layup. Okay, so it's still just a layup. Oh, her hair's in the way. Oh, dude, technical foul. Her hair was in her mouth. Oh, just a layup. She's crying.

Oh, shit. Oh, time out. Oh, she's arrested in Russia. Oh, shit. She was arrested in Russia for residue. Oh, shit. She was arrested in Russia for a vape pen. Oh, she was arrested in Russia for looking at an oligarch. Just so, so stupid. Such a stupid fucking bit dude

this podcast bombs dude fuck yeah oh she's out for seven days you know why oh shit here's a layup oh shit here's a layup oh god anyway dude whatever that is totally sexist but it's okay dude women can do that stuff that's fine play the play basketball play all the basketball and as a matter of fact dude i'll tell you right now i wouldn't give a fuck if there was no nba i i wouldn't give a fuck if there was only wnba so don't come at me. Only have WNBA. Only have that. I still won't watch it.

I still won't even watch the world championships or whatever it is. There's a dude that. Look at this. Wendy. All right. Well, Wendy Williams has dementia, I guess. Wendy Williams, who I, for some reason, always, when somebody says Wendy Williams,

who was the daytime talk show host, she has dementia. And that sucks. That's too bad. My heart goes out to Wendy Williams. It's rough. Yeah. Yeah. But, uh and also i didn't uh what the fuck was i gonna say you know what they're so scared of now is um

keeping her working because of what happened with bruce willis the second the the the second one that happens people are just going to get like killed. You know? Who's that guy, Randall Emmett, that kept on, they made an article about? I met him a few times,

but dude, they made, Randall Emmett, they made it, he was the one who was so called, put Bruce Willis to work in a bunch of movies when he was sick, and they were still like,

trying to make money off of him, which is, if that did happen, it's all alleged, but if that did happen happen that is shitty um but now the second people are all like dude there's gonna be like a uh peter pascal's just gonna be like where's my chart i forgot my line they're gonna be like shut it down shut it down we're not we're not abusing him um but yeah so wendy williams is uh has dementia and that's sad um and i don't know what is wrong with me that every time someone says wendy williams i always Wendy Williams has dementia, and that's sad.

And I don't know. What is wrong with me that every time someone says Wendy Williams, I always think the porn star? No, wait. She's not a porn star. She's a daytime talk star. She's a TV host. I don't know why I think that.

But it's all good. A heart goes out to her. You know, it's tough as you get older. As I said, dementia is the way to go, though, because that doesn't even affect you. It affects everyone else. What happened? Dude, oh my god. I'd love it, because my

wife is always mad at me for not knowing where stuff is. If you've got dementia, you know what, dude? I have dementia. How about that? Babe,, you know what, dude? I have dementia. How about that? Babe, can you get me a spoon? Babe, you know where it is. I've got dementia. You're 43. I know. It's early onset.

Also the cheese. And make pasta. Rub my shoulders? I forget. BJ, thanks. MLB. Oh, this dementia is awesome. Listening to fucking.

Just getting worked while you're watching the WNBA, dude. Just getting worked while you're watching the Sparks play the Cherries. Hell yeah. What are the names of watching the WNBA, dude. Just getting worked while you're watching the Sparks play the Cherries. Hell yeah. What are the names of the fucking WNBA teams? WNBA teams. Teams. I'm progressive, though. Here we go.

Here we go. Connecticut Sun. Chicago Sky. Well, of course, if you have the sun, you have the sky. Minnesota we go. Connecticut sun. Chicago sky. Well, of course, if you have the sun, you have the sky. Minnesota clouds. No kidding. Minnesota links. Washington mystics.

That is not good. The mystics, dude. Indiana fever. Phoenix mercury. Atlanta dream. They're all, a lot of them are just, are not, men's teams are like a group of things. This is just an idea.

Atlanta Dream, New York Liberty. These are all ideas. Phoenix racism. Las Vegas individuality. how many teams are there eight wow they don't even get a break here's one storm they don't even say where they're from just storm

hmm the Chicago hmm the Connecticut um playing the Chicago hmm oh layup oh the hmm with another layup the hmm with another layup oh my god oh a break for the um oh and hmm picks it up yeah dude Laurel and Hardy the worst fucking bit we ever did on this podcast. And by we, I mean me.

What's this baseball shit? With the Major League Baseball Players Association Deputy Executive Director. Too many names! Dude, people love their titles, you know? Hi, I'm Major League Baseball Players Association Deputy Executive Director Bruce Meyer. What? Asshole, dude. players association deputy executive director bruce meyer what an asshole dude that are you kidding me you can't say that without the fucking ace venture major league baseball players association deputy executive director bruce meyer thank you very much dude what and well i'm so lightheaded get me a trash bag i'm so light let it. Get me a trash bag. I'm so light-headed.

Get me a paper bag. Dude, that's so funny, dude. Peoria, Arizona. MLB's new... This is on AP Associated Press. Apple News. Associated Press. MLB's new uniform reveal hasn't gone very well. Now some of the rampant criticism has been moved below the belt.

Major League Baseball Players Association Deputy Executive Pizza Maker Director Mr. Bruce Meyer confirmed on Thursday that the organization is relaying concerns from players to MLB about the new pants, which are somewhat see-through. The complaints first reported by ESPN,

a part of broader scorn for the new universe which are designed by nike manufactured by fanatics i know everyone hates them trey turner said of the phillies we all liked what we had we understand business but i think everyone wanted to keep it in the same way for the most part some tweaks are dude Hey, how about this? How about this, baseball guys? You're still wearing a baseball uniform. You look corny. Hey, how about this, a guy at shortstop?

You're still wearing a baseball uniform. Hey, how about this? Hey, how about this left field guy? Hey, how about this guy just alone out in a field? You're still wearing something that says Astros. Hey, dude, you still have an orange belt. And you haven't been doing karate as a kid for two months. I mean, come on. Who cares that the pager see-through? They're not also.

I'm looking at them. There's so much. You got to be competitive about something, huh? Hey, I tell you what, dude. They give me these pants. I just take my dick and balls out. I use it as a bat. Again, now batting.

Chris, Chris, Chris. D'Lea, Lea, Lea. Oh, why does the bat look only a little small because it says wait a second this is a test wait a minute he's got two baseballs in his hand already what's that about wait a second oh hold on this is a test cut to the wmbaNBA. Oh, it's another. Okay, it's another layup. Oh, the hmm made another layup.

So anyway, you know, it is. It's just, you know, hey, you're still the Dodgers. Hey, dude, you're still. Oh, I don't like those pants they're making us wear. Hey, dude, they're making you wear a yellow belt. Hey, dude, your whole association is called the pirates, you dork. Just zero sense, you know. Just so dorky.

Hey, you're grown men, though. Uniforms, you know, they are what they are. We need to have comedian uniforms. I tell my family I'm doing a podcast and they have to be quiet. I tell them every time, and a podcast and they have to be quiet. I tell them every time and every time they're louder. I feel like it's like how they say there's that thing that says that if someone knows you're waiting for a parking space, they're going to take longer,

which is crazy to me. Dude, if I know somebody is waiting for a space, I am so quick. I am so quick. I jet out. And people don't, dude. And that's really unforgivable, man. It's one of the most unforgivable things. Dude, hey, did you get what you needed? Go home now. I just don't understand it.

There's a lot of shit like that, like little pet peeves. No, that's not a pet peeve. That's honest. Somebody should be lashed for that. There's a thing that my son has, a toy that my son has, Billy. Actually, Calvin had it too,

but it goes like this. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven,

eight, nine, 10. Dude. And it's such a dope melody that I wish fucking like Nas would rap over it or something. That would be so dope. Or like you did the 10 crack commandments to that. 1, 2, 3. I can, sometimes it's hard to do. 1, 1, 2.

No, it's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Dude, we used to have a joke when I would do musical theater. I love musical theater, dude. And I did musical four, five. Dude, we used to have a joke when I would do musical theater. I love musical theater, dude. And I did musical theater, and I used to... Dude, I was in the summer stock, and I had to start a song with a note, and I was always unsure of the note. And it was, hold on.

It was, easy street, easy street. I was in Annie, and the note, I never knew what the note was. So before I would go, easy easy street and i would do it like really quietly before because i was dude i was so worried not getting it and then so me and my buddy greg we had this joke where we were like easy street dude and we would laugh so hard dude and that's how i am with this thing i'm like one two three four five six seven eight nine ten and i don't do duets and i always say i don't do duets so if my wife starts doing duets with me i four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. And I don't do duets. And I always say I don't do duets.

So if my wife starts doing duets with me, I say I don't do duets. But then my son started singing it with me and I was like, all right, I'll do duets with my son. So now I do duets with my whole family and even my wife and that's it. But I won't do duets with anyone else. Fuck, dude, I've got absolutely specific.

This is honestly, you know, dude, I'm like that fucking, what's his name? Ben Affleck in the movie, the Hitman movie that he does, The Accountant. Where he's just so, God, I hate that fucking movie where he's just like, you know what, dude? I don't want to explain it. Kiss my ass. I don't care. That's why this podcast is better than the other ones. I won't explain it.

This podcast is David Lynchian. Yo, Bradley Cooper is a great actor. I didn't see him in that movie. What's that movie where he plays the guy of all the ages with the big nose? But that fucking, what's it called? Maestro. Maestro. And that dude, honestly, Bradley Cooper should get

the Oscar for that movie based on the billboard. He's on the billboard four times in four different stages of his life. I'll tell you what, the makeup should get the Oscar. When I get back into Hollywood, it's no makeup. No makeup, Chris, is what they're getting. And I'm acting.

If you want me to do a different, oh, what is the movie's about? What is it about? Oh, we have we have flashbacks oh I need to be 20 years younger I'll just act it oh what's that oh we're gonna flash forward in this movie to when I'm 90 and I die well guess what no makeup no but send them back over there to home I'm gonna act it oh hello do you know a long time ago and you know dude I'll kill it what's this that Jay-Z Bradley Cooper says Jay-Z was watching Judge Judy when he was at Beyonce's house for a Star is Born meeting. Oh, bro.

Bradley Cooper says Jay-Z. Let me break. This is so confusing to me. I can't even break it down. Hold on. So, hold on. So, did Beyonce produce Star is Born born or something she's not in it why would there be a meeting was it going to maybe be her and it's not and it's probably probably was going to maybe be her and it wasn't and now

it's going to be uh it was the other woman right what is it yeah yeah um i'm unstoppable is that her or kitty perry see ya see ya same thing you know i'm unstoppable but that song comes on and you're in the car and you're like dude actually i think i'm on so but that's the only part you know and if you know more than that you're a cuck but uh so br says Jay-Z was watching Judge Judy when he was at... My God, dude. Imagine Jay-Z watching Judge... Honestly? For real.

Imagine Jay-Z watching Judge Judy with his hat all up on the top part of his head just to skew. Just like, yeah, she does need a job. Yeah, Judge Judy's right. You want a job? Get one. You want a job? Get one. Judge Judy, ho. Clap to Cavill. What he's saying is not right because he wasn't even there. Oh, I can't wait for them to interview them afterwards to do that stupid bullshit interview. Afterwards, yo, how come after this, they even abide by what Judge Judy says?

It's a television show. Why? Why do they give each other the money? Why would somebody give someone $8,000 after that just because Judge Judy said? Why would they do that $8,000 after that just because Judge Judy said, why would they do that? It's not binding. It's not binding.

Why did she say they owe the defendant $850? It's not binding. Dude, nothing is binding. I mean, just, you know. By the way, even when I was eight and I would watch Judge Judy, I'm like, this isn't real. It's like the WWF. Oh, by the way, I was talking to wwe whatever it is i was watching wrestler on netflix that new um uh mini series docu-series about wrestling

and that's cool all good i find wrestling honestly fascinating at the low level it's fascinating at the higher level it's not really fascinating to watch the people do the wrestling but it will be fascinating to see the behind the scenes, but you don't really get to, right? And what I mean by behind the scenes is not even like the promos and the locker room talk. I want to see the guys go home to their wives and talk about the match and like how they're on drugs and stuff and like that kind of shit, right? Like basically the movie, The Wrestler is what I want to see. But I was watching the thing on the new docuseries,ies the wrestler on um netflix and it was interesting you know but also there's nothing dorkier and i want to say i want to say this because people are like

a lot of times i'll talk about wrestling on this podcast and people like fuck you bro you don't get it and they'll be like yo everyone everyone knows it's fake. That's not the thing. That's not why. Who cares? We know it's fake. It's still fun. Girl, I do not have an argument that it sucks because it's fake. A lot of shit is fake. So much is fake.

You know what's fake? Movies. You know what's fake? Friends. You know what's fake? Some of the fucking AI images my wife just showed me uh of of of crystalia and some yorkies that she she drudged up on on shutterstock because she got a subscription for nine and nine a month because she needs to spend the money somehow so she did that okay that's fake too hey you know

what wrestling sure it's fake that's not my problem my problem is it sucks i love how they go like deep into it too. They're like, well, the story's got to make sense. Nah. No. No, just get Brutus the Barber Beefcake to jump on another guy with a mask on. All good. Yeah, but he doesn't make, you know what?

It's fine. Have Hacksaw Jim Duggan break a chair all over rich rowdy piper's head oh good yeah but it doesn't make much sense right no dude it's cool you know there's a reason why Telemundo sucks. It's not because we know it's fake. It's because it sucks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. I harmonize with it. But yeah, dude, that's the real shit though.

What time am I at even? Oh, look at that. I didn't even know. I did an hour. I didn't even know. The clock is broken in my... Dude, he's timely. One time I was at the improv. A long time ago, I was coming up

and I had Don Marrera, legend in comedy, great stand-up comedian love that dude and a friend and uh he was on uh he comes in and they're like yo dom dom's gonna do a guest spot i said i said cool because you can go on before me i was like how long is he gonna do it he said six minutes dom came in i don't know if i knew him at this time or not but they said hey dom uh when do you want your light and he said oh i don't need if I knew him at this time or not, but they said, hey, Dom, when do you want your light? And he said, oh, I don't need a light. And for those of you that don't know, a light is you get the light and then you wrap it up. But they say, when do you want your light? You say, oh, give me a light at two minutes, meaning I'll get the light. And then in two minutes,

I'll get off. So if I'm doing six minutes, I'll do four minutes. Give me the light. And then I'll do two minutes, right? So it's either to judge two minutes than it is to just not get the light and do however long you're going to do. Dom Moreera says, I don't need a light. Goes up. I'm like, I wonder how much of a pro this guy is. I look at my watch. He starts. He ends at 6.01. And I'm just like, that is gangster, dude. And then there's people that fuck up your shit at, you know, like a grocery store.

So crazy. Just do your job is basically what I'm saying, but I know, but stand-up is a dream job and bagging groceries isn't, so that's fine. I love this. I don't know if this is real or not, but I want to pretend like it is for this podcast's sake. Mother Teresa. Artificial intelligence was asked to make a picture

of Mother Teresa fighting against poverty. This can't be real. There's no way. There's so many things against it. But if it is... Anyway, it has Mother Teresa in a fighting stance, fighting against a bunch of what looks like, and I don't mean to be racist,

but this thing is racist, African children. Somebody says, can't wait for Mother Teresa 2 in Solvency's redemption. Mother Teresa 3 crucified this. Dude, AI is the shit. AI art is the best art that's ever been around i said it dude ai honestly

i'll tell you right now ai art is the best art that ever has been around period stop the cap i'm not capping i'm not capping ai art is so good it's so weird and guess what you want to say it's not art it's ai generated guess what they take from all other art dude so how could you say oh chris leah said it's the best art of all time it's not the cap he's not capping it's actually don't be shit because it already is art on art it's art on art dude that's great that's why it's even better than art because you got regular art and it takes all the images of art and makes more art on top of that? Oh, dude, the best art in history. Stop the cap. But I'm not capping. I love it, dude.

So great. Graphic designers are fucked. How about that? Bye, graphic designers. I feel bad. Bye-bye. But I feel bad, but we knew it. But you went to school for it.

Bye-bye. Oh, you went to so many years of college for it. And also probably extra college, right? You went to regular college and then went to extra graphic design college. And bye. Oh, and you spent a bunch of thousands of dollars on it. Oh, and it's all good. You're going to be fucking removed by a click oh bye that sucks dude that really sucks honestly but it's gonna happen to every job bye the last person to go is probably

a comedian or a magician bye it'll still happen though fucking david copperfield killed it in 10 years it's just gonna be like hello watch me make this person disappear and then we're not gonna be that impressed with ai so it needs to be a real magician you know i'm saying it makes so much sense what do you want from him yeah no it does make some sense chris lee yeah no it's a fucking serious no i know that's crazy man what we're talking i'm saying it sounds like it doesn't make sense. No, I know it doesn't. But if you think about it and you let it ruminate, if you actually look and rewind it,

it makes no fucking sense. Are you serious? Yeah, no, I swear to God. Really? I don't believe you. Yeah, well, there's two other people in the world. Really? Yeah, people who believe Chris Lee and people who don't believe Chris Lee.

Wow, that's crazy, man. All right. That's it. Thank you very much. That's it for the Patreon episode. I'm sorry much that's it for the Patreon episode that's it for the YouTube episode and if you want to watch the rest of it on Patreon go to patreon.com slash crystalia and you can also go sign up

for the Patreon and watch all the other extra we have an extra episode a month on the Patreon go sign up for the Patreon the last one was great Calvin ran in and ran amok and I interviewed him a little bit and it was fun as shit so thank you very much you guys. Love you.