Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 368. Life Got Me

Episode Date: March 7, 2024

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ronk congratulations the new episode you know what here we go let me do it let's do a good one here we go the here and now you know what i'm so i you know it's well we'll get into it But here is the new episode of Congratulations. Yes. A yes, dude. It is the episode 300-something. And 368.

Is that what it is? Yeah. That's what we're going to do. We're going to drink this. Magic mind. Which I like. A lot. But yeah. It is time to do the congratulations podcast.

I was out of town i was in rochester in kitchener ontario uh rochester man i i didn't know that i was i dude i i didn't know i was in rochester before i'm talking in rochester like oh yeah it's so crazy i've never been in a place it's really weird to go to a place for the first time for me. I've been everywhere. But Rochester, I've never been here. And I get to the theater and I see my old poster there. So I was there. Just saying all sorts of things that just aren't true. Just talking, you know? Just talking to talk. And just saying stuff. And people going, oh, really? Yeah. And then I go and it's just a bunch of lies. going oh really yeah and then i go and it's just a bunch of lies i walk into the theater and i realize oh my gosh life got me life got me dude life got me i had no idea i had no freaking idea that i didn't that i played here and i and i have played here and life got me and life got me in rochester dude that how much is that a frank sinatra song life got me in rochester my honey's miles away life got me in rochester kick my feet up and say my say that life got me in rochester the worst song of all time but honestly you could make that if you were Frank Sinatra and

that would just be a global hit you know people in India would be like I've got me a not all the Chester um kick me in the ass fell loop-de-loop in right you know how they used to do the stupid scoopity scoop like now Kanye does it but it used to be like and I fell out of a there goes the idea I don't know dude whatever it's just like life got me in Rochester had no idea I wasn't there was there turned out all good

had a good show then I was in Kitchener sold out all good I swear dude when I go to i know i said this before but when i go to when i go to uh canada it's so funny how like a did like pretty women will be will have jobs that only ugly fat men will have in america it's like, they'll just be like, you know what you hear? We hear, in America you hear, yeah, I'm moving to the deck, get a credit.

Yeah, we gotta get it. Oh yeah, yep, okay, here we go. Racket. You know ugly guys are gonna be around, you know? Fat, ugly guys. You don't even hear that in Canada. You know, they just got, You don't even hear that in Canada. It's like well-to-do, normal, handsome young men and then also women that would just be like at the supermarket or at a cafe somewhere. And they just have a yellow vest on like reflective stuff so they don't get

hit by cars even though that never happens you know um and that's how it is you know like there was there were cops at the venue they were like so many women female cops which were which is cool but they weren't i mean cops are just kind of i don't know i think of a cop do you think of a handsome cop or do you think of a fat ugly cop what do you think of they were good looking women cops what could i say handshakes like hard handshakes anyway life got me in rochester then i went over to i went over to canada and met a female cop, bright eyes, you know, bright eyes, fair hair, smacked her around a little bit, showed her some love, just like, so old school, okay, so anyway, we had a great time there, it was fun and now i'm back home dude and i'm

chilling at home i lost my voice a little bit calvin was sick uh bill billy was sick our nanny was sick kristen was sick before that your boy didn't get it and then your boy got it so um your boy got it in uh in uh r Rochester, but it was so mild, bro. My body was top notch. It was so mild. And then so I went to Rochester and then I was getting all better. And then I screamed. And now my voice is kind of gone because after you get sick and then you scream and do shows, your voice is gone, dude.

Anyway, so it's all good, and I came back, and I made myself work out, and I'm just exhausted, dude. I got 11 hours of sleep last night. You ever wake up, and you go, how much sleep did I get? And then you go, oh my God, you look at the thing, and it's 11, 11, but I did take NyQuil. I got to stop taking NyQuil, but I took NyQuil to pass out. And boy, that took me out. And I still kind of feel it. So if this podcast is groggy, it's okay. Just know that life got me in Rochester. Dude, I saw this thing. Actually, I want to talk about this because this was insane to me. This was just insane to me.

And everyone I brought it up to since think it's zero insane. So my calibration is just off or like they say in those Apple ads, think different, right? Because I cannot wrap my head around this. And quiet out there. I can't wrap my head around this. And people think it's normal. Although I got some dorks with me on my crew. So James Gunn, the director of a bunch of stuff who's great didn't he do the new suicide squad yeah he's great okay and he did the galaxies one great great director

overjoyed to be announcing this is a thread on that thing, thread, that Instagram does. Overjoyed to be announcing the start of principal photography on Superman today, February 29th, which just so happens to be coincidentally an unplanned Superman's birthday. Okay? That's fine. That's a great thread right there. Is that what they call it, thread? The next one.

This is great, dude. Let me just make sure this is the right one. Yeah, here we go. When I finished the first draft of the script, I called the film Superman Legacy. By the time I locked the final draft, it was clear the title was superman all right making your way july 2 at 2025 happy birthday clark i'll pop him away okay fine okay cool now i'm reading this a guy that

likes superhero movies fine they're mostly jerky but i'll watch this one for sure i matter of fact i saw the Flash the other day, and I actually thought it was kind of good. I got a bad rap, but... I thought it was good with the multiverse and all that stuff. Really clever. So now you look at the

things under it, alright? The things that people say. Look at this here um look at this thanks for taking care of something so important for all of us comic lovers mr gun needless to say you know how much we appreciate that our favorite heroes will be on the big screen again i for one don't care your movie is going to be 5, 6, 7, or 10, 10. I just want to wear a police uniform. Okay.

This is great. This is great. This is great. I dug the name Superman Legacy, but going straight Superman is awesome as well. Really love the Kingdom Come style logo. And is that the snow from a fortress of solitude? I freaking hope so. and is that the snow from a fortress of solitude?

I freaking hope so. Somebody writes, what the fuck, James? I was in class and I cried. Hold on. There was one that said, I can't find the fucking, I love, Superman is a better title in my opinion.

Can't wait to see the script in motion. Look, how, okay, here's what I want to know. What the fuck? Okay. I was going to call it Superman Legacy. And after all this, I, oops, going to change the title. You know what? Going to change.

This is how this comic book movies have jumped the shark. I got to change it. So you know what I'm going to change it? Something new. Now it's going to be exactly what it's been always. Dude, it's called, oh, we're going to change it from Superman Legacy. Yo, get a load of this. Guys, we got to call a meeting. Hey, everyone,

come in. Everyone, come in. Sit down. So I know we went with Superman Legacy, but aftern you're a crazy guy that's the name of it already you didn't change anything dude and i was telling this to my tour manager and sam my uh my videographer and he was like no it's cool and i was like why is it cool is it because it was going to be like the legacy and then now it's not going to be the legacy it's just going to be back to what it originally was and i was like so is it a remake and they're like i don't know and i'm like okay well then just you know this is not an announcement you're just going to call it what it's always been called anyway and you're going to call it what we we were gonna call it anyway hey you seen superman uh no only real dorks are gonna be like it's actually a superman legacy so i don't know which one you're talking about uh this makes me laugh because there's a bunch

of different ones oh oh um are you talking about the christopherves one? Because actually this is a new one. This is actually called Superman Legacy. Yeah, all right, dorks. Hey, and I don't, you know, I'll see it, but fine. I just don't, not, talk about the most non-announcement. I love how superhero movies can have the biggest announcement and it's not an announcement. Dude, this just announced Flash's suit is going to have a yellow bolt on the fucking shin. I saw Flash.

It was good. I liked how they dealt with all the multiverse stuff. And I guess Henry Cavill is going to play another MCU guy. So there's your Marvel and DC news. There you go. There you have it here. There you go. There's your Marvel and DC news.

Chris D'Elia, I'm wrapping up the Marvel and DC news. um look at this warner herzog describes barbie i still haven't seen barbie i gotta watch barbie i'm not gonna watch it but um warner herzog watched 30 minutes of barbie and asked could it be that the world of barbie is sheer hell you know know? Get out. Get out more, dude. Warner Herzog. How's his voice go again? Let me get it. Let me get it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was the one that made the... Come on, damn it. How do I... Oh. There we go. Here we go. Let's get a Warner Herzog video. He's the one that does all the narrations. narrations but what is he he's a filmmaker right

okay because otherwise he's just a narrator who gives a shit what she said what he says you know um uh uh nope want youtube regular youtube thank you very much thank you very much oh good they're not doing it okay here we go warner herzog no this internet connection is lightning fast dude thank god oh good dude warner it's warner herzog is that like a typical name for wherever in berlin herzog let's let's listen to Let's listen to his voice. Because his voice is top-notch. Here we go.

Here we go. Shouldn't be an ad because I'm signed in. Dr. Aindy, is there such thing as insanity among penguins? I try to avoid the definition of insanity or derangement. I don't mean that a penguin might believe he or she is Lenin, Napoleon, Bonaparte. You know? You know?

I, uh, doctor... Could they just go crazy? could they just go crazy could they just go crazy because i've had enough of their colony bro did he do march of the penguins no the fucking anytime anybody travels around penguins i'm out i don't care about anything about penguins march of around penguins, I'm out. I don't care about anything about penguins. March of the penguins, dude. Remember when people pretended they loved it and I fucking went to go see it. And then what? They're just penguins walking around being monogamous. I don't give a shit. That's so boring. Hey, penguins, fuck, fuck all of you. All of you fuck have a, and then the penguins had orgies. The penguins were doing 69 around the side of an igloo. A penguin built a sex igloo. And a penguin looked like a regular sex igloo. And then they built it downstairs.

And then they went downstairs and they were 69ing on a sex swing they built out of ice. And one penguin was cheating on the other penguin. And the penguin was supposed to be monogamous. And he pretended like he was going to Best Buy but then didn't. Instead, he stayed in a little car and got sucked off. He made the car and he made the Best Buy as a decoy. He built a downstairs area and said, Hello, honey penguin, I'm going to go to Best Buy.

And then he snuck down into the downstairs area and just started doing 69 with another voluptuous penguin. Couldn't stop eating a penguin box, you know? Did it from behind so the nose was in the asshole. Couldn't even believe it. He goes like this. Smells like fish. But I like that because I'm a penguin.

Yum. Warner Herzog watched 50 Minutes of Barbie. Asked, could it be that the world of Barbie Is sheer hell This guy needs to get out more But I would say that but he gets out a lot He's out out a lot But just go out to like bars more you know To where people are

Legendary director Warner Herzog was asked by Piers Morgan On the Ladders Uncensored talk show To weigh in on the Barbenheimer phenomenon about herzog but herzog was no expert on the matter the grizzly man that's what he did right he made grizzly man or he did the documentary on the guy who killed himself with the bear death by bear this guy's hanging out with a bear so much he hangs out with a bear so much and he has meals

with the bear and then he also hangs out with the bear and talks to the bear and he pets the bear and he rolls around with the okay so he died you know this is not a surprise ending he hung out with a bear too long until the bear was just so much a bear that he fucking killed him that's what happens when you hang out with a bear. You know, this is what happens when you do that. This documentary is about a guy who is always starting fires. He can't stop starting fires. He's starting so many fires.

He was at a Costco recently, started a fire. The whole Costco blew up. It was crazy and then he went over to a park and put a fire put a fire in the park and all of the all of the all of the trees were up in a place and then he went home and he started lighting so many candles and he fell asleep and he woke up and all of the soot from the candles were all over his mouth because he was breathing it in in the nose and then he woke up a son the mirror that he had so much black under his nose and he said what is that from oh yeah that's from the fire and then he went into his car and started smoking and pouring gasoline everywhere oh he died oh he's dead that ends how that ends fire is going to be fire you know this documentary is about a gay man having unprotected sex in the belly of west west hollywood

in the belly of west in the underbelly of west hollywood in 1994 in 1984 and we're going to see what happens to him. Oh, he died. It was a slow, painful death. Everyone said he had cancer, but really had a secret life. He was married. They said he had cancer,

but we know what happened. He died. He had a long, painful death with AIDS. I have not seen Oppenheimer yet, but I will do it. I will do it. I managed to see the first half hour. I was curious and I wanted to watch it because I was curious. And I still don't have an answer, but I have a suspicion.

Could it be that the world of Bobby is sheer hell? For a movie ticket has an audience, you can witness sheer hell. We close as close as it gets. Wow, this is my favorite part afterwards. Herzog did not elaborate. Sheer hell, dude. What if they renamed Barbie sheer hell?

What if the movie was exactly the same but they called it sheer hell? I if they renamed barbie sheer hell what if the every the movie was exactly the same but they called it sheer hell um i don't know yet pierce morgan gave the um oh he said give me a moment to watch something uh trust me well with no shit pierce morgan didn't like barbie trust me let me spay the horror i watched the whole thing, and it is hell. I completely concur with you. I don't know. I love it, dude.

I love it. I love it. Oliver Stone said Ryan Gosling's wasting his time if he's doing that for money. Fuck it, bro. Get it. Get that money. Get that money, dude. Sell out.

Always sell out. Hollywood. Hollywood is ridiculous anyway anyway could it be that the world is so shit hell um god my eye my my contact lenses are getting all messed up jesus i need to go get my contacts i need to go get my contacts and I need to go get my contacts. And I sat on my glasses the other day. Bro, you ain't shit if you didn't.

You ain't shit if you don't sit on your glasses all the time. What is this? Nick Swartzen got escorted off of stage? Shit. Nick's one of my good friends. Nick addressed Sunday Night's Tobacco. Just casually woke up on TMZ. Travel tip. Don't drink and take edibles

in high altitude. Fucking brain diarrhea. I'll make it up to you, Beaver Creek. Wow. What happened? Booted off stage. TMZ got a hold of an email. Okay, so what happened here? What happened when you do a show in beaver creek

where's beaver creek colorado oh it is wow i had oh high altitude that's why i knew that i'd use deductive reasoning for that dude this internet is lightning fast when i click something it never comes up that's lightning fast all right we've got the we got the computer working here we go let's watch this thing on on nick swarson who's one of the funniest guys i've ever met in my life let's go why did they turn off the spotlight? What the fuck is this? Why'd they turn his mic off?

Who the fuck is coming out? What the fuck? Oh my god. What the hell's going on? What? in the best interest of those who bought tickets. We apologize for what you've seen tonight. Please email the box office. What? We'll be responding to inquiries and processing credits and refunds. What? Thank you very much.

I'll be in the lobby if you have questions or concerns. Please email the box office. That's crazy, dude. Do you know what happened? He was high? Oh, is it? Yeah, but brain diarrhea. I wonder what he said.

I got to text him. The message, we apologize for the negative experience you may have had. What can you say, dude? Therefore, all tickets will be. I don't know. I got to text him. message we apologize for the negative experience you may have had what can you say dude therefore all tickets will be I don't know I gotta text him I hope he's okay

he's okay though oh he must have got into it with the crowd or something but that's weird that's still weird though I hope he's okay look at the guy

who came out was like shitting himself you know hi hi it's a South Park character Mr. Garrison hi so um um so nick appeared determined to continue with the show despite things obviously going not so great

when he shouted at the crowd let's go over and over again it was a scene nick's great um yeah it seems like people... Shortly after Swartzen's exit, the director of operations made his way on stage. Yeah, wow, that's wild. I didn't know about that. When did this happen? Oh, Sunday.

So yesterday. Wow, that's a good... Well, okay. Wow, dude. Are you guys going to watch Dune 2? I didn't like the first one i'm the only i feel like i'm the only one who didn't like the first one it looked like a cologne commercial and um dune was fine and i don't want to see a movie with uh i don't want to see a movie with um i don't know man timothy chalamet's fine but like i'm not i'm not a huge fan just not not in like

a negative way i just like i'd rather see somebody else in a part i guess i don't is that shitty i want to be shitty but like uh what's her what's her name zendaya and um timothy chalamet in a movie is like to me that's something that just is like oh i'll just chill instead of the watch it um and not that they're bad they're not bad um it's just i don't know if i want to fucking sit and watch that shit because of how it's going to be too long what's up with movies that are too long, dude? Make movies shorter. Make them fucking all shorter. You can always take 35 minutes out of a commercial.

Like I watched Oppenheimer. Oppenheimer was great. But like you don't need to make it that long. Cut a lot of the scenes or cut earlier on a lot of the close-ups, you know? Cut a lot of the scenes or cut earlier on a lot of the close-ups, you know? By the way, my friend here, one fire, said he went to go see Oppenheimer and he was like, oh man, I was so pissed off because I went to go see Oppenheimer and I had to pee so bad because it was so long. And I thought I picked the right time to go and it ruined it because I went.

And when I went, I thought it was safe. But when I went, the bomb exploded. I missed the whole thing. Dude, I don't believe. I was watching the whole movie, and I'm thinking, well, it's obvious when the bomb's going to explode. You wouldn't go to the bathroom now. You wouldn't go to the bathroom now. What's he talking about? You wouldn't go to the bathroom now.

They literally do everything short of saying, and now the bomb will explode. And then it blows up. How did you miss that? That's crazy. Dude, you know what you deserve it you deserve it you deserve it he's here right now i don't mean to have a conversation about it but he's my friend he's here right now he deserves i'm glad he didn't watch about we never get to see it dude that's crazy that's crazy yeah and that's that i i i uh that's why i watch movies at home though dude i don't want to go to theater anymore i just want to be at home because dude when you watch a shit on and i thought this

was gonna be bad but when you watch it on tubi oh and the commercial comes i go like this time to play royal match time to go pee pee time to get some whatever pretzels even though i just ate chocolate time to just i love it i love it i need breaks dude there's been too much tiktok i need breaks now now now that i watch stuff in clips and all that stuff dude i won't story alarm story arc get out of here show me a guy falling down and shitting his pants and that's it um yeah yeah what is this they deaded over these past two years

Broncos County, thank you. Is this, who posted this, Russell William? Yeah, dangerous Russell, you know, Wilson. Cool. Over these last two years, you have welcomed my family and me with open arms and have embraced us as members of the Denver community. This city will always hold a special place.

Is he leaving it? To my teammate, thank you for... Teammates, thank you for battling together and you were... Being your teammate was an honor. God's got me, he said. So he's done with the Broncos? Is that the thing? Oh, maybe.

I didn't know he was so good, honestly. All I know is that he's Mr. Unlimited. But that's pretty crazy. Apparently Mr. Unlimited is limited. Because he stopped going to the Broncos. Apparently Mr. Unlimited is limited because he stopped going to the Broncos. And, you know, our heart goes out to Russell Wilson, Mr. Unlimited. Look at this jackass.

Can I get everybody to help me? Just so. Everything about this is the most unhealthy thing of all time. Look, big, big guys carrying DJ Khaled so his shoes don't get dirty. Thank you, brother. I get dirty. So racist. I mean, dude. What if it took off and he fell back and cracked his head open? Holy shit

Wherever he's going Seems my This is my nightmare Look at look at So bitch dude The way they're holding him So bitch So bitch dude

I mean The people there that are like waiting for him to go on stage dude hey you can use you can get out now imagine going to a fucking wow did does he rap is that rapping or is he just a producer i does he i didn't even know does he rap i had no idea.

I thought he usually just makes music, but the dude makes so much money. That, see, that's the thing that I would, you know, DJ Khaled, as much as I talk about him and as funny as it is, I think he's kind of the shit for doing stuff that I think that I would want to do if I had that much money. Like have people carry me. I would have, I would have a driver. There's no question I carry me. I would have a driver. There's no question I would have a driver. I mean, I guess I could get a driver now, but I don't want one where I live because it would be a lot of,

it's just annoying. Also, maybe I don't really want a driver. I'd want a chef. I'd want guys to carry me. A big fat fucking guy to do the leaf thing to me, to fan me. I would want just a guy.

You know how, like, phones have, you can, like, I can do the lights and all the stuff on my phone and the air on my phone. Like, I don't want to do that. I don't like that I have to do that. I want there to be a guy in my house that I i just go you make it hotter and he does it basically like what i wish my wife would do but you can't do that to like you're married the person you're married to because it's like you're ordering them around so you love them and you treat them with respect but you know what there needs to be a disrespect guy a guy that you can just say anything the way you want to get something done and you pay him basically to disrespect the

shit out of him and you don't mean to you just bro that would be such a good form of therapy that oh my god for me that would be the best form of therapy i swear to god if i just had a guy if i had dj cal money you know i'm going to hire a guy i'm gonna if i have dj calmer i'm gonna hire a guy he's gonna hang around my house and i'm if it's too hot i i don't say yo can you turn on the air please i say it's too fucking hot and then he goes and then he goes and turns the air on i don't want to say anything else yo it's cold man come on like i want to say i want that's the job the job is when i tell you to do something it's going to seem like it's the fifth time i've told you but it's not i'm hungry and if he's not the chef then he gets the chef to do it and he asked i said the

chef i want a fucking chicken with rice i said even though i didn't say it and then that guy gets you know uh you know 120 grand a year whatever it is but you know it's irresponsible amount now for me to do that but if you had dj calvin money dude i'm gonna hire a guy fuck yeah dude zero women too i'm not to hire a guy. Fuck yeah, dude. Zero women, too. I'm not going to hire zero women. I know people are going to be like, oh, you got to do equal opportunity. But no, dude, because then they'll write a fucking article about you and do an expose.

When you're like, dude, I paid them to be the disrespect person. But now I'm only hiring guys so I can disrespect them. Okay, cool. Yeah, Chris D'Elia was a horrible boss always he'd say something to me like it was the fifth time he said it even though it was the first time he said it that's what you what was your job title disrespect guy um that's what i would fucking put money into for real that's what i'd want to do. Fuck. That's probably good therapy. I don't know.

I go to therapy and it's like, I think therapy is good. And sometimes I come out of therapy, I feel so much worse. And sometimes the therapist is like, do you feel better? And I'm like, I don't know. You got to rip it open, right? You got to rip open the fucking emotions and let it all come out. You just keep doing that over and over again until you fucking die, I guess. All good.

I'm a nihilist. But you keep ripping open the wounds. You keep ripping open emotional wounds. This trailer. This trailer. This is the first I'll do it that Michael Caine ever said. 1981, official trailer. The hand. It's called The Hand.

The shit, dude. The shit. The guy. The guy. Mm-hmm. Ah. Terror he could not forget. You think there's something in there, don't you? So many questions so far in this. Moment he could not bear.

Mm-hmm. Oh, it's because back to the guy. Mm-hmm. Oh, the cat just fucking committed suicide. Bear. Look. Oh, the cat fucking boxed him and then jumped out the window oh another question dude there's too many questions in this preview truth he would not face shows him his dick all right well there's no orion pictures present oh remember orion michael cain in the hand such a basic title

that title rips so many questions dude so many questions unanswered in this preview. That's what makes a good preview. I'm not talking about a separation or anything permanent or anything like that. Oh, dude, this is men and women right here. He says one thing and she goes. I'm not talking about a separation or anything permanent or anything like that. There you go. Good. When men want men. Although he's in the passenger seat like a bitch.

Come on, bro. Look out. Get back. Well, let's put it. If he was in's seat that wouldn't crash that's why they did that how does it feel i'd be still there my fingers i've been oh he's got a fucking robot hand unreal dude you'll have phantom feelings for years heat irritation pain your memory is still feeding familiar sensations not to mention jacking off is going to be a catastrophe. I had one patient I put a robot hand on and he ripped his dick off. Didn't feel good.

You never know what you can do the unconscious is capable of anything you could do anything you've ever dreamed of and never had the guts to do i mean not really you know just because he has a look at me blackouts are nothing to fool with you could kill somebody it's all up there, and you'll never know. Know what? Who you are. You'll be afraid of the pain. Tell him what you feel. You're trying to kill me, aren't you?

Why is the second half of this preview in black and white so weird? I mean, Michael Caine in this movie has a woman's hair. So many questions. That's when he jerked off and ripped his dick off. Dude, this is... Oh my god, dude. I was severing an area when I saw this movie. The scene where he loses his arm destroyed me.

I never stuck my hand out a window again. There you go. Anything the hand touches disappears from reality. Is that what it is? is oh that's what it's about wow we gotta watch that huh all right we're back dude um watch this thing on t on tmz here the whole uh i don't understand this every now and then there's just a video that comes along that like it's like the it's like the blackface thing like don't don't do blackface because you know you you either know it's racist or you know it or you

don't care and either way you know you're going to lose your job right because somebody's going to take a picture and then it's going to be posted and then you're going to be you losing your job right so it basically if you do blackface at all you're just thinking you're just thinking i i i'm gonna quit anyway you know like i was in uh vancouver uh and we got the driver we got a driver to drive us to the airport and the driver that drove us was like yeah this is fucking the place where did this and fucking vancouver a lot of the houses are so expensive you got people want to get the fuck out of here. This place fucking sucks over here. And I was like, this driver's crazy.

And I was like, you're not a big fan of Vancouver, huh? And he was like, I'm moving, man. Fuck this place. And I'm like, oh, you're quitting. Because you know if I complain about it. Obviously, I don't care. You can say the F word as much as you want. But if you're quitting, he's like, I'm going to San Diego.

This weather sucks. I want to get good weather. you want but like if you're quitting you could he's like i'm going to san diego this weather sucks i want to get good weather i'm going to go to see the babes in in in in san diego and i'm like all right you get it okay cool but like you know if you want to keep your job you got to be a little bit more official right and also no blackface but this here this video this oklahoma this Oklahoma high school fundraiser video shows students licking toes and it says school is under investigation. Hey, you don't need to investigate. You got video of it. Investigation, case closed.

Everybody's arrested. I don't understand. Look at this. Here we go. Here's the deal. During a fundraiser earlier. He's devouring those. Oh, my God. He's devouring those toes, I guess.

They know. They know me. Don't you know me? I'll tell you that much. ew dude dude this is so gross to eat off someone's toes eat peanut butter is that what they're eating they said and lick peanut butter off the toes of other students

ew dude ew butter off the toes of other students. Ew, dude. Ew. Who, how could this not, I don't understand how this stuff still happens. You know, I get, I don't, look, I don't know. I don't know. I don't what I do. This is bonkers. Nobody in the school was like, oh, oh, we're our lives are over.

You know. I don't even know. I actually don't even. This might be the first time in. Congratulations. I don't know know. I actually don't even. This might be the first time in. Congratulations. I don't know what to say here. This is disgusting. We are cleaning up this filth in Oklahoma schools.

Our agency is investigating. Superintendent Ryan Walters says. Look at libs of TikTok tweeted. Unbelievable. This happened at. Students sucked on the toes of adult of adults during they were adults ew deer creek high isn't copping to any wrongdoing here by the way saying in a statement that all the student volunteers do this and no faculty staff members were involved in this particular game wow dude they're gonna double down hey all fun and games don't be up and don't be up in toes about it um

they also raised 150k that's the move dude to make it a fundraiser no matter what how what you're doing if it's creepy or bad just if as long as you're fundraising all good can't really argue with it you know yeah i was i was yeah i was masturbating and looking through a window oh really oh well you're under arrest that fine arrest me if you want but i got sponsors and they all paid two hundred fifty thousand dollars to go into age research so okay you're a hero dude yeah it sucks for that woman but you're a hero to people who die yeah it's going to lymphoma research so go that's fine i hey you expose yourself hey you expose yourself in a library. Hey, it doesn't matter. First of all, there shouldn't be libraries because libraries shouldn't exist anymore

because there's Google and everything, but there's still libraries for some reason. Second of all, I got sponsors and I raised $310,000 for lymphoma. You can put me in jail, but I'm a hero. That is just crazy. crazy um dude if i walked in on a fundraiser and calvin or billy was licking okay if it was a faculty member's toes i would i immediate immediate rambo that's who i am now immediately i take whatever belt i'm wearing put it around my, and I start absolutely AK-47 everybody, and I start choking and stabbing, and everyone's dying, okay, 100%, everyone's dying, all right, if it's, if they figured it, and as they're doing it, they go, no, but we raised $150,000,

I go, oh, fuck, that's actually really nice, but we're still killing everyone, what's it for? It's for, it's because people are out there dying from hunger. Well, all these people are dying anyway. Um, this is amazing.

I don't understand. I don't know. I don't, I don't get the foot fetish thing ever. I saw one pair of feet once, and I was like, oh, I get it. I guess I get it. They were really nice feet.

But if you have a foot fetish, you just, like, how many nice feet are, I guess that's the thing, I don't have a foot fetish. Because if you had a foot fetish, you just would basically be looking at feet more. And I don't ever look at feet. I look at the major regular areas that men look at, you know? I'm like a tits personality type guy, you know what I mean?

And, but, you know, people who like feet, you know, when it's summertime, they go, they're awesome. Yeah, oh, awesome, dude. Let's go, they're awesome. Yeah, awesome, dude. Let's go. Hey, never looking up, right? But I don't have a foot fetish. But I saw one pair of feet once and I go, damn, those feet are real nice. Okay, I get foot fetish.

But that was the only time I ever was like, because I got a buddy who's into feet, bro. He's into feet. Like into them. Like loves it. And it's just like so weird to me i mean no judgment um isn't that a guy that's just like that's a weird thing like i i understand being so see here's the thing i used to think that like like really big buff bodybuilders all fucked men, I thought, because they were staring too much at each other's bodies

to not by mistake do it sexually once and be like, oh, actually, fuck it. Let's just like totally fuck, you know? And then they just start just slamming each other in the weight room. I feel like really big bodybuilders have absolutely fucked bodybuilders you know i'm talking about but uh but then i'm like i don't i don't think that like is there the kind of thing like the rock stars who they were having sex with so many women in the 80s like they just started fucking each other right because that's

what you do if you had sex with thousands and thousands and thousands of women. Eventually you start going like, well, it's all the same. I'll just have sex with that. I've had sex with all of the fine women. I'm going to have sex with a fat one now. Fuck it.

You know, I'm going to do that. Oh, that was fun. Hey, I had sex with that. Hey, I had sex with a small person. Oh yeah, really a midget? Oh yeah. Oh, that's crazy. Oh yeah.

Hey, now I'm going to, hey dude, do you want to fuck? That'd be hilarious. And then they just do it and it's not even gay. It's just, they've done it all. And they're just like, what's it matter? Coming's coming, you know? And, uh, so the tired gayness doesn't really count as gayness. Straight gayness from jump, that's the real gay dude. Those are the dudes that own gayness, and that's the shit. But if you're just a rock star that's fucked a lot of people, and then you're like, yeah, maybe I'll throw some men in there. It doesn't know.

I just woke up from a little nap. It's a little dark, but you guys silly. I'm still going to send it. Just the guy that made up send it. Oh, my. Oh, my. The guy that made up Sendit? Oh my- Oh my god! Oh, pain! Oh, this guy's gonna die!

He died. Well that hurt but the ET still runs so round two. He's tweaked. So up north. Are you sure? Just gonna stand it. Oh fuck. Have you seen this video? Nothing could be more Canadian.

Nothing could be more Canadian. Still going to sand that? Dude, a mullet, all denim, in the snow, doing that. I mean, that's unbelievable. Still going to send it? Oh, I love these. Oh, I love these people getting pissed. It's over the fucking speed limit. Now I'm getting fucking pissed. Just fucking so ultimately disrespectful.

He said it like an 80s fucking movie too. You got nice tits. Oh, that is so... Dude, if I was a woman and that happened to me while I was already mad, my head would explode. Props to this woman for not having a head that exploded. Oh my god. So angry, dude. Dude, that's so weird.

People get pissed. Try to fly American Airlines. Here we go. Here we go. Hold on. oh you know what is the best no one gives a fucking shit about this. Like if I was at, I'll tell you what, if I was at an airport, I wouldn't even look up if this happened. All right, here we go.

I'm not kidding. You don't care about the girls. Why does he keep saying you don't care about the girls? Shelby and Dolly. Shelby and Dolly. I'm going to do it for girls. Shelby and Dolly. Shelby and Dolly. Shelby and Dolly. I'm going to do it for you. Shelby and Dolly. This is a weird episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

Shelby and Dolly. They're both in stripes, you know? Remember them. Shelby and Dolly, remember them. They think life is a movie, you know? They literally think, you know how they go, yo, last night was a movie. These guys do that. Last night was a movie. You know? They literally think... You know how they go, Yo, last night was a movie. These guys do that.

Last night was a movie. Oh, this is a fucking movie. This guy thinks it's Love Actually, you know? Fuck off, bitch. Ah! And was saying before that, you don't care about the girls. You don't care about the girls. You don't care about the balls.

And then told a woman in a wheelchair, fuck off, bitch. Fuck off, bitch. This guy's out of control. I really wonder what happened here. Oh, my God. Oh, they need to go home to their doll collection? No, that's a joke. Come on.

I mean, maybe that's true. Who knows? People are crazy. You don't care about the girls. Oh, come on. I mean, maybe that's true. Who knows? People are crazy. You don't care about the girls? Oh, the dogs. Yeah, Jesus Christ. Yeah, it's a gay couple. They don't have kids.

You don't see that every day, do you guys? This is fucking funny. I've seen this, bro. This guy is me. Watching a train. I think his turbo is blown just loves it he's having a good time watching it of course we got a normal train to ruin the ship yeah fuck off man bummer clock bummer clock look i could be seeing it. That's great, dude.

Life. You know what happened, dude? Life got him. Is that what we said earlier in the episode? What were we saying? Now, you got to fuck me up, man. To both of them. You fucking cunts.

Wow. I might as well go back in. I mean, I might as well go back in, you know? Well, yeah. What else were you going to do? Oh, that's so funny. What was the thing I was saying, Frank Sinatra? Here we go.

Does your man do this? Hold on. Oh, so bitch. This is the most bitch thing I've ever seen in my life. Holding on to her waist. Holding on to her waist. Dude, it's so funny that they're the same height. Dude, oh my God.

This is incredible, dude. Does your man do this? Yo, if I don't get to walk like this with my wife i don't want it i'm gonna do this to kristin later and see what happens oh that's unbelievable here's here's a deserved scale here the weight lifting things bitch oh oh fuck The weightlifting thing is... Bitch! Oh. Oh, fuck. Yep, it happened. Oh! He... That's fucked up.

Here's a chick on a log. She's going to fall and hurt herself and never be able to have kids. I mean, this is just... And she's doused. And she's doused. All good? Oh, no. Oh, who's going to be the one to blame here i'm pissed off already

come on lady try a little harder dude come on just holding like do i have to look at this look at this is such a debacle look at this look at this this is such a debacle look at this asshole he's jumping up on a box one of those fine box jumps and then two

like step aerobic fucking things on top of him stacked up on look at his meat head just hit his knees didn't even get his fucking feet up at all, dude.

Oh, get out of here, dude. The opening shot on this. Interior, daytime. Man is dumb and trying to teeter on two handles. Dumb woman is standing on his shoulder blades. Oh! Oh! They had sex after that. You okay?

Dude, the dumbest man. Oh, I love compilations. Compilations are funny, huh? You ever get a good compilation and just start rolling on it, dude? Like you're watching it and one gets you and then the other one gets you and it wouldn't even have got you if the first one didn't get you. But then by that time, you're toast, dude. You are toast.

All right, that's good. Thank you for watching. Oh, yeah, I got a bunch of tour dates. Oh, fuck, I forgot to do them. Whatever. I'm going to be in Nanaimo. I don't even know what that is. And Shreveport and Houston and Corpus Christi.

Go to chrislea.com to get tickets. A bunch of other places, too. Thank you very much. That's it for YouTube. For the rest of the video, for the rest of the episode, go on over to our Patreon. Patreon.com slash chrislea. And that's where you'll have a ball over there. And also, there's

like 36, 37 episodes that you can't unlock unless you get the Patreon. And it's just six bucks. Go get it. Thanks, guys. Thank you.