Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 369. Do It In Japanese

Episode Date: March 14, 2024

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yes i did just add san diego on my site go to crystalia.com for uh for uh my shows uh i'll say more about where i'm going to be later but uh anyway yes it is episode three what is it three something six 369 of congratulations yeah so you know it was Oscar weekend and I didn't even know dude this is the first time ever you know what it always I want to know when this is the first time ever you know what it always it always

I want to know when it's the Oscars after it's the Oscars and I almost happened this year uh except for somebody said it's Oscar weekend to the day of the Oscars and it was like two and so technically I did know beforehand so I didn't make it and it's all good and I'll make it next time, I guess. But I did not know and it was the Oscars and that's great. Oppenheimer won seven, including best picture, best director, actor, and supporting. Emma Stone won for best actress.

Poor things. Emma Stone's great. Gosling performed I'm Just Ken with Slash, which was just honestly a product of our times. And then Billie Eilish is the youngest two-time Oscar winner. So that's cool. RDJ first Oscar. Dude, it's crazy that Rao, what's his name?

Robert Downey Jr. What's his name? Rodney. Robert Downey Jr. Rodney Dalvin Junions is a Robert Downey Jr. Is just one today. This week, this month or this year for Oscars. He should have won way before that.

He's so good and was so good. And then did Iron Man and just kind of did a bunch of jerky shit. But then after that, he was so good in Oppenheimer, but he deserves it for way others before other shit. But Christopher Nolan, I saw up in higher and it was too long, naturally, but it was very good in Oppenheimer, but he deserves it for way before other shit. But Christopher Nolan, I saw Oppenheimer, and it was too long, naturally, but it was very good. And there were boring parts, but I like boring parts in movies, so go f*** yourselves. Well, we'll have to bleep that out. It's two minutes in. I don't want to get

demonetized. It always happens anyway. Because it says we talk about the a**, even though we don't. So anyway, but I... So there we go. So I said it now, so it'll get demonetized and that'll be great great um kimmel getting panned you guys are absolutely stupid for panning kimmel because he did exactly what you're supposed to do in the oscars and that's do lukewarm kind of good some funny jokes and he did it yay so why would you get panned is he getting panned really on twitter

and all that i don't know man he's fine dude you know he's too liberal for me uh and all that but who cares everyone's just such a waste of time man um to just be bitching and moaning everyone's got a voice uh everyone's got a voice and everyone shouldn't have a voice honestly i you really realize it now that people's mouths should just be sewn shut too you know but you don't hear it and the lord help us when we all get hooked into the i see people that talk shit about me online that that were nice to me in person a week ago and it's like dude have that same energy. People are such bitches. They're such, you know what I mean? Radio edit. I don't want to say it too early on,

even though I said bitch, F word. And we're basically, this is the, and I said election fraud. So we're toast, honestly. We're toast this episode, but it's okay. We still push through when we make it and we make this episode. Thank you for the people who uh

sign in on the sign up on the patreon love you for that if you didn't do that patreon.com slash crystalia you keep the show going um and so yeah that's that's it i bought a yeezy shirt like a cuda dude i just went on the website and i just bought it it was twenty dollars and i just got it has a one on it like i was $20 and I just got it. It has a one on it. Like, I care. You know? And I guess his album is called Vultures.

Still haven't heard of it. Still haven't heard it. I guess this guy... I don't want to wear a shirt with an album on it, though. And you can also buy the CD on Yeezy.com. And it's 2024 and you can get the CD. What the hell would you play it on? At least sell the record. At least that's like some cool memorabil you can get the CD. What the hell would you play it on? At least sell the record.

At least that's like some cool memorabilia. But the CD? But yeah, the Oscars were pretty... I didn't watch them, and I don't watch them. They're so corny and so bad. But my favorite is the John Cena thing. How QAnon believers think John Cena's Oscar bit was a public initiation into the global cabal. Hey, cabal, you know?

Got naked because he knew children might be watching the program. Host Jimmy Kimmel and John Cena got big laughs for a bit. They did an Oscars where Cena was. How about this, dude? How about some body positivity? The guy's jacked, looks phenomenal, super healthy. He's probably 50 and looks, you know, 25. Hey, congratulations, dude. John Cena.

How is this in any way hurting anybody? He got everything is covered. It's like he's wearing boxers. And then also he looks great. You know what? If fat ass Lizzo was on there, it wouldn't make a difference. Everyone would talk about how great it was, right fat ass lizzo or or or some obese person was on there everyone would be saying yeah go you go america go body positivity go amazing but because john cena a white jacked guy is doing a funny bit by the way john cena is just a lot you know i guess they did and but he's good he's good he's good looking he's he's a good jacked guy he obviously takes steroids and that's fine even though he says he doesn't but he's good. He's good. He's good looking. He's a good jacked guy. He obviously takes steroids and that's fine, even though he says he doesn't, but he does and that's fine.

You know, I go back and forth with the, should you admit you have steroids on? Because he's also a hero to a lot of kids. And if you say you do steroids and a lot of kids will get on steroids. So it's like, maybe he shouldn't admit he has on steroids. Now, Hugh Jackmanman admit it when you were doing wolverine or uh the rock i don't know do kids still like the rock or is it more of a like a 35 year old guy now to like the to like the rock can you smell what the rock is cooking steroids that's what he's cooking and uh but i love that and i love that the humiliation

ritual thing dude look at this what it says no surprise that john cena is walking on stage naked at the oscars during primetime tv that children are most likely watching this is not just a humiliation ritual the hollywood pedophiles rapists and perverts are certainly getting off on this i'm sure jimmy kimmel is as well dude wait a minute. How many does this even? What is this? A daily dot.com. Too many dots in it.

Guys shredded, huh? Guys shredded. God, I need to start snorting Ozempic. I'm not fat, but I'm telling you, dude. Dude, I go into the gym and i start it and i start good you know and i go this is the day i'm gonna blow the doors off it and then like 25 minutes in i'm like nah this is not the day i'm gonna blow the doors off it this is the day i'm gonna take them i'm not gonna kind of take my time i'm gonna chill you know what i'm gonna go home that's it

how's that for a sound for tiktok but yeah i um I don't know. The Oscars are always a joke. At least they got the guy who does late night television to do the monologues on the thing. Like, what do you want? You get mad at Joe Coy? You get mad at people who aren't the guy? And then Jimmy Kimmel, who is the guy, does it. I don't know.

But Emma Stone's great. I think Emma Stone's my favorite actress, and my favorite actor is Kamala. I know the guy, too. I should really say his name right. Nanjani. There we go. Did it.

Kamala Nanjani. He's my favorite actor. He's so good. He's so funny. I love him. Anyway, it's good. We're good.

We got new merch. Go to ChrisLea.com. We got new merch. We're good. We got new merch. Go to ChrisLea.com. We got new merch. We got the Life Rips. What do we call it? Season 8, dude. I like to do it like that.

I do like that. I was trying to watch a movie the other night. My wife, dude. What is it with... I'm going to say women, dude. How about this for generalization? Yeah, I know it's a generalization i don't care okay dude she talks during during the dialogue parts and then there will be a 25 minute action sequence and she's just like

as soon as that action sequence ends and the guy comes up out of the rubble right and sees the girl that he's been trying to get for so long and all the bad guys are dead he'll start crying and he'll walk up to her and he'll go literally he'll go and kristen will be like should we put plants over next to the fireplace and you're like hey he gave

what about when all the Autobots were fighting and I gotta rewind I said what we need to put our significant others either in the movie theater or because god forbid dude if we dude i used to go out with um this woman who had her dad we would go see movies with her dad and he breathed so loud and i'd sit next to him and i'm like my god it's just every movie i thought it was jurassic park because it was always i was like oh okay the fucking t-rex is is is in the background of this

or watching a hugh grant movie um but yeah dude so that's when she talks and it's so annoying and and and and women stop doing this i don't even use i don't you know i don't look at my phone when I'm watching movies, man. I used to play Royal Match and now I'm done with Royal Match, dude. That's how disrespectful I get. I played Royal Match so good. I played it for so long and then done, dude. Done.

One day I go, oh yeah, this isn't fun. I'm such a lunatic addict, man. I'm such a lunatic. I got Royal Match match played it so hard it's an app on my phone i played it so hard for for fuck for like a month hardcore i was playing it i was ignoring responsibilities i was doing stuff like like not listening i was kind of watching movies but mostly playing royal match dude i turned on worse movies just so i could play royal match and so i didn't have to pay attention to it and i was killing it i got to level 2000 in one month i probably made honestly

800 of in-app purchases so sue sue me. Dude, I made so many in-app... Do you make in-app purchases for games? That's the worst thing you could do. Did it. Don't care. Did it. Have my money, whatever company it is. You know, and then...

And then I just stopped. But you know what? I guess I enjoyed it, right? John Lennon was the guy that said the thing, you're not wasting any time if you're enjoying it or whatever the hell he said. I can't remember what he said. But it was something like that.

And you know what, dude? I always think of John Lennon when I start feeling shame or guilty about playing a video game. That's what I do. The only time I think of John Lennon is when I'm doing something like that, wasting time or playing video games

or if I eat too much ice cream. I go, man, John Lennon though. Which is so stupid. But that's what I do for real. Because I can't. I couldn't. It's always something, dude. It's always something.

Is it always something for you? Because it's always something for me. It's Royal Match. You know? For 10 years it was sex. Then it was working out. Then it was royal match for a month and then after that it's uh uh eating burgers late at night yes always feel like shit yes dude he eats not one because we know one burger is a snack so he eats two but not only two they're

both double burgers so technically that's four burgers. And yes, dude. And he eats the fries, too. Yes. And then he tops it off with some ice cream afterwards. Yes, dude. Why is he not a fat guy? You know, he works hard at the gym a lot, but why is he not a fat guy? Genetics. Thanks, mom and dad.

Yes. I eat so many burgers, it's crazy. Fuck cows. That's what my diet's like. My diet's like diet's like fuck cows god how good's a burger if you eat cheese if you my friend gets a hamburger that's some fucking crazy shit dude if you don't i don't care if you're lactose even if you're not like you're not lactose intolerant you get a hamburger not a cheeseburger you're a communist okay if you get a even if you're lactose intolerant and you don't say you know what though gotta put cheese on that burger that's great but if you don't say it if you don't do that if you go i'm lactose intolerant maybe i should get the cheese on the burger dude don't just don't even get the burger that's crazy

cheese is so good cheese is so so good cheese is so I get mad at, you can't put it on sushi, you know? Shout out to all the chefs that figured out what tastes good together, you know what I'm saying? Isn't that right? Like chocolate and peanut butter, who the hell knew? Who knew until you knew? Like it's weird, you know, you think it's probably weird until you do it, right? You know? Like I'll never do a mayonnaise sandwich, but they got mayonnaise onion sandwiches in britain i mean they have the most horrible food in britain but you know what i mean they do they do they have mayonnaise onion sandwiches and they'll just be like all right i'll have one yeah yeah i'll put the mayonnaise on it extra put onions and the mayonnaise on it i'm trying to kill everybody i talk to over the next six months

yeah yeah i'll eat it then i'll go so then i'll go do chores okay then i'll go do my errands and i'll go say hi to everyone and i'll kill everyone i'll leave a wake of dead bodies because i ate that fucking trash yeah and it started watching that show the gentleman it's good it's good it's good i like you know guy richie he'll he'll do a fucking movie and it'll be like, start crazy and then just get crazier. And by the end of it, you're just watching like three midgets fucking each other and like screaming about, you know, the forest. And you're just like, how did I, how did he take me here? How did he get me here? We started out and two guys were trying to rob a bank and now different guys are in the movie,

not even the guys that were in the beginning of the movie and they're midgets. How does Guy Ritchie do that? And you're just watching the whole time until you realize, what the fuck am I watching? Or you don't. Right?

Oh, I guess there's, you know, it's just crazy how he can do that. He's good. He's good. It's good. It's good. I like the movie. I like the movie. I feel like sometimes Guy Ritchie's like, how fucking crazy, though, can I make it? What else?

Hey, it's like Mad Libs. Somebody throw out a fucking thing. Guy in a chicken costume screaming with a shotgun in his face. All right, I got it. That's easy, mate. Give me another one. Give me another one. All right.

Guy has to hide fucking 20 grand in his anus are you kidding me did that that's in Sundance four years ago mate next one you know shout out to that working though I'll take the piss out this audience and my wife

talking all the way through it not when the midgets are fucking afterwards when they're just about to say I love you to each other, you know? Hi, Chris, did you ever pick up the dry cleaning? The answer is no, I don't do that. But yeah. This guy. this guy.

Hey. Honestly, just speak Indian. It's all good. good you know what i mean this is the internet you know i'm saying and i'm not even this isn't i'm not being racist hey first of all you're not a fitness influencer this guy i gotta send you this so you put it on the on the thing but this guy is strictly says he's a fitness influencer he's got the body of like joe pantoliano it's unbelievable and he's just he's an he's an indian guy and that's fine uh here's the link uh so you have it but but that's just why are this is the thing there should anybody talking with an accent from another country to in a country that they don't live in on the internet hey just do

yours this is the internet you can get access to everyone you know what i'm saying you don't need to be if you're japanese and you're just oh this is how i make us uh it was to be for sandwich just do it in japanese let the Japanese people figure it out. Because otherwise everyone else is like, wait, what did he say? Talk about the role. Do it that way. You know what I'm saying? This guy's not a fitness influencer and also doesn't, like,

that accent is crazy intense. And I'm not, no, hey, dude, that's cool. I think Indians are probably the sexiest accent I can think of. With some ease. I am getting used to these 10-kg dumbbells. So now what that means is even though it doesn't show on the camera, the strength of my arms and the shoulders has increased. So what I'm now able to do is I'm able to lift this Indian Kerala Kadai with some practice use.

You can see me. I don't know, man. I don't know. Social media is crazy, huh? I wish we didn't have to do it, but we have to. I sell tickets that way. Yeah. So you have to. I got to keep doing that. doing that posting the clips yeah no it's fucking awesome i posted the thing about the atlanta and my god dude i mean i posted the thing about atlanta

which is funny the thing's funny okay and i'm put it... You know what? I'll play right here. I did it on Golden Hour. Let me just pull it up here. People got mad, and it's so funny, dude. And also, this... Here, here we go. Here, it's right here. This is all it was.

This city... Atlanta's the only city. How many black people are there. Eric spit out his water. Eric's black, by the way. Okay. Not that there's more black people there. They're just wearing everything.

Took another sip. Spit it out. Got him twice. Everyone in the room laughing. There's a black guy in the room besides Eric. Okay. So here's the deal. Everyone stop with the, hey, you wouldn't say that to black people.

Set it to black people, okay? Zip it, all right? Second of all, it's not right. People will be like, see, this is why they're racist. Fuck white people. They're stupid. Okay, that's right. You took it there.

It's not racist to say people are around okay because you know what they are people are around black people if i say black people are around people go he's racist but but but that's just a fact dude it's unreal this shit got so much engagement it's unreal now the real people though, it's unreal. This shit got so much engagement. It's unreal. Now, the real people, though, think it's funny. And the real people from Atlanta, especially the black people from Atlanta, they know what the fuck I'm talking about. They say, why does this make sense but also make no sense? Crying emoji.

Yes, dude, we got it. We're in. And here's the deal. I'm going to come to Atlanta. I'm going to sell it out. That's what's going to happen. I don't have a gig for Atlanta yet, but I will, and I'll sell it out. But that's it.

Anyway, I am going to be in Shreveport, Houston, Corpus Christi, Durham, North Carolina, Norfolk, Virginia, Grand Rapids, Michigan, Fort Wayne, Saginaw, Nanaimo, B.C., Victoria, B.C., Augusta, Georgia, North Charleston, and Chattanooga, and there we go. Those are the plugs. Go to chrisaleah.com.

Yeah, dude. I cannot believe you can't do it. I even saw it went viral on Twitter. I'm Yeah, dude. I cannot believe you can't do it. And I even saw it went viral on Twitter. I'm like, dude, Jesus. Your boy's viral.

Your boy went viral. What did Trump? So the Trump posted during the, Trump posted during, the Oscars, and says the Academy Awards is rigged, first of all, nobody,

I mean, do people think the Academy Awards are not rigged? It's an awards show, there has never been an award show that's not rigged, you know, so, he, so here, has there ever been a worse host than jimmy kimmel at the oscars he says so this is why i got panned his opening was that of a less than average person trying too hard to be something which he is not

and never can be get rid of kimmel and perhaps replace him with another washed up but cheap ABC talent. George Slopinopoulos. You know? Killed him with that one. He literally did that and when somebody tweeted, George Slopinopoulos didn't see it, but it goes like this. Oof. Ow. And it hurt him because it was such a hard slam.

He would make everybody on stage look bigger, stronger, and more glamorous. Wow, dude. He would make everybody on stage look bigger, stronger, and more glamorous. Wow, dude. He's short. Also, a really bad politically correct show tonight, and for years, disjointed, boring, and very unfair. Why don't they just give the Oscars to those that deserve them? Maybe that way, their audience and TV ratings

will come back from the depths. Make America great again. Yo. Unreal, dude. But it is rigged. But it's always rigged. It's just whoever makes it. Remember the movie Too Leslie?

It snuck through without paying for your consideration, and then Andrea Risborough got nominated. She's an awesome actress, and people are like, dude, she's, you know. That'll never happen again. I did get that Yeezy shirt. What's up with this dude who is not happy with the Yeezy shirt? Yeezy unboxing. So I ordered one of the Yeezy shirt. Yeezy unboxing. So I ordered

one of the Yeezy shirts that was $20 and it's the packaging that came in. Okay, so this is what I got. Why is the video not working? God damn it. Oh, wait, there it is. I don't want the picture in picture. So I ordered one of the Yeezy shirts that was $20 and it's

the packaging that came in. I ain't got no problem with that. But got to see this shirt. This is crazy. I swear to God, online, this shit was a t-shirt. This shit is nasty. Yo, I'm not buying shit from Yeezy ever again. This shit is a fucking pillowcase. This is nasty work.

Y'all want me to try it on? I'm going to try it on. Y'all got to see me in this shit. This is nasty work. I'm giving this shit away for free. Anybody want this shirt, y'all gotta see me in this shit nasty work i'm giving this shit away for free anybody want this shirt y'all got y'all gotta see the way this shirt fit oh i can't wait for this guy to wear it this is the one i got it was a t-shirt look at the picture look at the guy okay he's right this shit is nasty no i kind of like it this is nasty work y'all y'all i'm never buying never buy nothing from Kanye again. This shit looks horrible, son. I love that guy, dude.

He just laughed at it and shit. Fuck yeah. Well, $20, that's what it gets. I think it's kind of cool, though, honestly. Am I a sucker? Yeah, I'm a sucker. But it was $20, so who cares, you know? Oh, God.

What's this one? Oh. Oh, just constantly an idiot. Oh, my gosh. Why? What do you think it was Jordan? How could he? He hadn't jumped that far.

Oh, dude. I saw one at the whatever you call it. What is it? What's that one in the desert? The big one. Coachella. And some dude was like dancing. And another dude was just going nuts and like bumped into his back

and the dude turned around and just goes, bing, you saw that one? Dude, knocked him the fuck out so hard. What do y'all think about that? For real, honestly, I go back and forth like, this dude could have absolutely killed that guy, but also he had it coming, dude. I don't know how I feel about that stuff.

Like I saw a thing the other day, this guy walked up to a dude and sucker punched him which is what that's what they say on site is on site dude on site is on site if i see you before you see me and it's on site you're getting hit if you see me before i see you and it's on site for you too right if it's on site for both of us we we both got to watch our backs. Sucker punches might be coming. If it's on site, you see me, you hit me. Sucker punches out the window. If I say it's on site, and this guy said it was on site, and then I saw an interview where the other guy who he said was on site about,

he fucking walked up to him and punched him in the face during the interview, and the guy fell down because the guy was talking shit about his mom and his sister and his family and i looked down the comments and i'm like bro this guy can't use his emotions like that he can't just walk up to him sucker punch him and i'm just like well the dude said it was on site and then also kind of some people need to get punched in the motherfucking mouth you know people need to get punched in the mouth a little bit right do they though because i go back and forth because i've got kids and i'm like everyone kind of you know does violence is violence the only reason to use violence right you know i'm saying

what's this bomb first mentality it's like i, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And the fact that I'm 43 and don't know about this fucking bothers me. Because it's like, I should have thought about it. The older you get, the more things you don't know. You don't know. You know so much shit when you're 15. I remember when I was 15. Dude, I was like, I know so much shit when you're 15. I remember when I was 15,

dude, I was like, I know so much shit. And I know that they say teenagers know a lot of shit, but I actually know a lot of shit. And when I get older, I need to remember this feeling because I can't think like those old motherfuckers who get to the point where like, oh, I thought I knew so much when I was your age. And I'm still gonna know that shit.

Even though they say that I'm gonna be 35, I'm gonna be 45, I'm I knew so much when I was your age. And I'm still going to know that shit. Even though they say that I'm going to be, I'm going to be 35, I'm going to be 45, I'm going to be 55. And I'm still going to be rocking my knowledge, dude. As a fifth, I'm going to be 15, but 55. And I'm still going to be rocking that knowledge. And I'm going to know, I'm going to know what I thought was a truth. Dude, I got to be about 30 something. And I, not only do I not know anything, I don't even know what I was

talking about. I don't even I can't even get you know, when you're sick, and you can't feel what it was like, you know, you're sick, but you're like, I can't even feel what it feels like to be not sick. That's how it is. That's how dumb I am. That's how much I can't understand anything dude and I get dumber and dumber dude I get so dumb dude my wife will text me something normal and hey dude I don't get it I don't get it I don't get it it's a simple sentence and dude it's like i'm what it's like i'm halfway through inception like well i don't know where this is going but i hope it ends up making some kind of sense that's how i am texting in a group chat my wife will text me something simple. I don't get it, period. And I go, my first thought is, uh-oh. Oh, no, dude.

She's going to think the way I respond, I'm going to try and under, uh, fuck. I got to ask her what something means. And she's going to think I'm coming at it like a, like a, you know, like my wife's bag got stolen. That's what it was. My wife's bag got stolen. She went my wife's bag got stolen. That's what it was. My wife's bag got stolen. She went out and her bag got stolen. Her fucking nice bag got stolen. Such pieces of shit to steal a bag, you know?

She wanted to go out, blow off some steam, have a good time. Her bag got stolen. She texted me, my bag got stolen, trying not to spin out, LOL. And I was like, oh, are you, what's going on? Did you leave it somewhere or whatever? Trying to help her figure it out. And she was like, no, I'm just like, you know, I didn't have anything important in it. One credit card, I stopped it. I have my phone, obviously she texted me. And I was like, oh, that's great. and then i was trying to figure out information about it in my head i'm like maybe i could help and she's like why why didn't you ask me if i'm okay and i'm like oh

fuck you text then and you texted lol should all good. But she's kind of right. I should have been like, are you okay? Because it is violating when somebody steals something from you. But already it started. So now immediately I'm confused. Now 15-year-old me would have just been like, ah, she doesn't get it. Put the phone down. I know life.

And then I would have just started listening to fucking Daniel Bedingfield. And just having a great time. But now I'm like, oh, shit, I got to figure out, I don't want her to, well, okay. In therapy, they say this. And so maybe if I just say, I'm trying to help. Let me try to listen. Yes, I understand. And then I'm using all this dialogue and shit. I'm using talking boundaries. Hey, with the talking boundaries, dude, when I hear talking boundaries, it makes me wish I grew up in the 30s. Talking boundaries?

What are you, a piece of shit? What? Your feelings? You're a guy, you stupid idiot. You know? In the 30s? What do you mean? You know?

What do you mean it doesn't make you feel good? You're a guy, you stupid moron. You feel fine. Suck your tummy in. You're buff. Put on a tight shirt and be fat. You're buff. Therapy? what the fuck what do you got tits and and it's just like so now i'm like trying to understand what she's saying

and then i'm just i'm i'm it's unraveled. I'm fucked. I'm just so fucked. And now she's like, oh, you know, why don't you make me feel okay? And I'm like, oh, shit. And then she's like, it's not my fault that it got robbed. And I'm like, well, I mean, I guess. You know. The fellas know what I'm talking about, right?

Like, it's not your fault, but also... My bag never got taken. The amount of times when my wife says, where's my phone versus the amount of times I've said, where's my phone? She blows me out of the water. So it's like, you know, yeah,

no, it's not your fault. Look, it's the crook's fault, but also being vigilant, you know? Hey, uh,

so it's like, that's just, that sucks though. Whoever took my wife's bag's a piece of shit you're a piece of shit dude she loved that bag actually that sucks um i never stole anything in my life except for a hat at uh uh save on drugs so and i feel i don't feel bad honestly and i'll tell you why I don't feel bad. And I've told this story on my podcast before, but I stole a hat because it was green. And yeah, I remember I told this on the podcast because it was, it looked like a monster energy drink, but this was before monster energy was created. It was a white hat with green neon, like tiger claws in it, just like a monster M, but it was not a monster hat. And, um, I thought,

wow, this hat's the worst hat I've ever seen in my life if i can wear it and walk out and pay for what i need to pay for and then i deserve it well what a fucking asshole you know what a shit i shouldn't have done that but that's what i did and here i am coming clean saying about it i want to be you know yeah they say you want to be held accountable but you know that that's what that's what i did do um but yeah dude i remember thinking about that as I was like oh dude don't ever lose sight of this fucking feeling of how I know shit I'm so dumb I'm 43 I'm so

I am so I am so dumb and I am not getting smarter. Dude, I am so... By the time I'm 55, I'm just going to be like...

It's going to get so... I'm going to be like, what? And people are going to say it again. And they're going to be like, what? And people are going to say it again and they're going to be like, not get it still and then I'm going to be like, say again and they're going to say it again

and then I'm still not going to get it and then I'm going to go like this. Oh. And that's the end of that, dude. And then when I get to be 65, I'm going to go like this. What? And people are going to repeat themselves and I'm going to say, huh? And then they're going to repeat themselves. And then that'll be that three times, 65,

two times when I'm 75, I'm going to go, huh? And they're going to repeat themselves. And I'm going to not get it. And I'm going to say, oh. And dude, if I live to be 85, you're going to say something. And I'm going to go, oh. And I didn't get it. And if I live to be be 95 don't talk to me that's how it'll be that's how it'll be that's how it's gonna be dude because i already feel the devolvement dementia that's a breath of fresh air, dude.

I don't even know why. Like, dude, I talk about people, the guy with the Indian accent, I can't understand. Dude, have a regular American accent, I don't understand you. People are like, customer service shouldn't be Indian, I can't understand. Dude, make them my regular language. I still don't get it.

Oh. I wish I't get it. Oh. I wish I fucking understood shit, dude. And I don't have a fucking learning disability. I thought I did because my science teacher when I was younger was like, do you have a learning disability? Straight up in front of a bunch of kids. And I felt really shitty. And I said, no.

And then I got tested. I don't have a learning disability. Yes. Got out of that one, dude. No learning disabilities. but, you know. What is this podcast even turning into? Thank you for being with me, guys. Really.

Oh, you got the mosh pit one? You sent it? This video? Oh, wow, you found it huh i don't even know if i don't know why i said it was uh coachella it might not be but i just said it okay so that's too loud here it is boom dead instant death dude that kind of sucks. But don't be jumping around like a gnat, you fucking asshole, you know?

That's the thing. That was it. That was, honestly, that's my wife with her bag in the beginning. You know? You know what I'm saying? I mean, who's, hey, hey, I'm out. Who's sexy red, you know? A rapper, right?

Is she a rapper? Okay. This tweet she put, I'm making a movie today. I need three big dick ass and then the ninja emoji. Hey, you know. Hey, you know, imagine like Frank Sinatra or even just like, what? What the fuck? Who's letting a woman online? What's online?

Who am I? Imagine fucking Beethoven. Or like... Also, you making a porn? Or... You know what? I got to tweet this. I should just start tweeting what Sexy Red tweets.

That's my shit um how about um the the fight the the the Jake uh Paul what it says the Jake Paul Mike Tyson fight it says it says on CNN it said it says Mike Tyson and Jack Paul to fight life on the... Is CNN even trying anymore? It says Jack Paul. Is CNN... Do they even give a fuck? Or do they just go, what'd you hear? Put it out. CNN, Rolling Stone, all these motherfuckers.

What is it? Put it out. LA Times. I heard that. Is this true, though? I heard this. Let me just play it because my friend sent it to me. But this can't be true.

Maybe you guys can help me figure it out. Here. This is what it was. Mike Tyson versus Jake Paul fight. Sign the contract, people. These are the... Boy, sign the contract. No problem.

Hold on. Saturday. Whatever. July 20th. See you there, buddy. Mark your calendars. July 20th sees Netflix host its first live sporting event, a boxing match with a twist.

Jake Paul squares off against Mike Tyson, but Paul gets to fight with headgear, use performance-enhancing drugs, and even tag in his brother for a temporary two-on-one situation. Is that real? No? It can't be real, right? Am I getting trolled?

Because it doesn't say that in here. That would be crazy, dude. Just fucking two brothers fighting Mike Tyson, and Mike Tyson's still fighting them and biting their ears off. They're going to fight, though. I'm always wrong about this fighting stuff. But, dude, Mike Tyson, I feel like he's going to eat Jake Paul, like straight up. Have you seen his shit, his footage?

The 57-year-old? He's 57, and it's just crazy how good he looks. He's in shape, and he's fucking, I mean, he's fast. You know, he's 67. But dude, he's hitting the bag like it's fucking. And Jake Paul, I feel like. Cowboys football games. It will be aired live on Netflix and is likely, of course, generate millions of dollars for both of these guys.

Patrick Snell joins us live now from Atlanta with more on this. Listen, Patrick, the last time Mike Tyson fought professionally, I was a kid, okay? Well, yeah, okay, but he fought, what's his name? Like three years ago.

They didn't look too good though, honestly. I wonder what's going to happen. I'm excited for this. I'm going to watch it. I have Netflix, so I'm going to watch it. I feel like tyson will win i want him to go out i look i

like jake paul and it's you know it's a game if he goes out and just does like the old tyson 12 seconds in and just pummels him to the ground would be unreal but i hope that nobody dies honestly that would be that would be too much um or is it come on why are you standing like that a little dump nba Boys artist Lil Dump that's what my son takes did a speed dating show

and told a woman he does more drugs than you could ever imagine Frank Sinatra what the fuck how you doing I'm good how you doing

I'm dang good what's your name J-Lo why you standing like that stand up straight you gotta be louder like I'm high as I do more drugs than you could ever imagine that's not Why are you standing like that? Stand up straight. You gotta be louder. I do more drugs than you could ever imagine.

That's not, okay. Hey, hey, audio. What are you guys, in a fucking high school gym? No. What you do besides rap? You just rap and do drugs? I make money. That's it?

How old are you? 21. Why are they in a fucking locker room oh okay how are you i'm 22 what's your name again jayla worst posture dude yeah you ratchet do i look ratchet are you ratchet, dude? Third question. Are you ratchet? They seem good together. What's the fucking thing, dude? On fire. Remember the thing that I put on the guy who swears being dumb and he was dumb you know i'm talking about you do or you don't did i text it wait we got to find this this is so funny hold on was it was it on lifeline chat okay i go back i'm going back i'm finding it wow you send a lot of bullshit huh you send a lot of shit huh okay? You send a lot of shit, huh?

Okay. Where is it? Oh, here it is. Hell yeah, dude. This is unreal. God damn it. Why does it not... It doesn't do this thing where it's showing up. No.

Here it is. We are only capable of using 10% of our brain, right? All right. This is a guy. I don't know who it is. It's a guy being interviewed about something. And honestly, it doesn't matter anything else besides that because it's just, that's the setting if you're listening.

Did you have to listen to it? This is so fucking hilarious to me. You believe that? No, it's, yeah, that's, yeah. Did you about to say it's true? First of all, do you believe that is amazing? We to say it's true first of all do you believe that is amazing we only use 10 of our brain do you believe that like testing the waters i'm saying that's what people say that that is that is the consensus scientifically so who was

the guy that used 11 that made it okay to say everybody's just using 10 already off the rails dude made it okay who was the guy that used his 11 to made it okay to say that it was okay to that isn't the right logic honestly i'm gonna say she's right and she's smart for saying that but she is on it to me bro that i if I, if somebody said that to me, I couldn't say anything, but what do you mean? Like she makes a leap, like knowing about his dumb logic and gets to the point where she can understand what he's trying to say. And that makes me think she might be dumb herself. Cause how do you do that? How did just fucking how did she uh figure out her way into what this idiot is might mean she killed it maybe she's smarter than me because of that

no because if you're only using 10 of your brain you don't even know that you're using 10% of your brain. No. Hey, put it plainly. No. He knew it was 10% of your brain based on... Oh, I thought he fucking had her in there. Who's he? Your brain. You don't have to be using 11%. Oh, double down. Who's he? and to know someone else

he's saying i'm 10 you're 10 but like everyone's 10 that is not mathematically correct that is like someone had that you have to have been using 10 more than 10 of your brain to know that everyone else uses yes because if you're only using 10% or something, that means you don't know the rest of the 90. Ah! That is the part where I go, oh, somebody hit the red button. Somebody hit the red button, take us out of our misery.

You don't know the rest of the 90. Yeah, you're right. I'm right. Perfect. No, no, no. You're right about the 90 and the right. So, I'm right. Perfect. No, no, no. You're right about the 90 and the 10. Okay, so if I'm only using 10, right? I'm the first person in the world, right? Say I'm Adam.

Just so many jumps, dude. So, I'll take this. I'm the first person in the world. I'm Adam. Just a'll take this. I'm the first person in the world. I'm Adam. Just a fucking dunce. This is unreal, dude. I wrote that we can only use 10% of it.

Wrote. You know? Wrote. Adam wrote nothing. Brains. That means. Brains. Brains! 10% of our brains. I would have to surpass the number 10.

No, okay, let me break this down for you. You can break it down. See, I'm saying I'm a doctor. He spins in his tears and says, you can break it down. I'm saying I'm a doctor. He spins in his tears and says, you can break it down. You're wrong. Dude, that is unreal, bro. The confidence, dude. The confidence is amazing.

Let me play it. I want to play it again because it's so funny, dude. Here, I'm going to play it on my my computer it's a little better that way and i can start and start it dude this is so funny to me we are only capable of using 10 of our brain already dude it looks like he already knows he's fucking dog shit in the argument. 10% at that moment, right? Right. You believe that? That's an idiot, dude.

The sky is blue. You believe that? Yeah. Yeah. I mean... Okay gotta say it's true i mean okay so it's true guy you know i'm saying that's what people say that that is that is the consensus scientifically just repeating what she said you know so who was he's like the david allen greer uh character in living color that used 11 that dude this is like the fucking scene from it goes up

to 11. What's the spinal tap, dude? But this one's louder because it goes up to 11. Made it okay to say everybody's just using 10.

That isn't the right logic. no no no no no no no 10 of your brain is the one that said no because if you're only using 10 of your brain you don't even know that you're using 10 of your brain like he knew it was what is the logic there if you use 10 of your brain how do you know you're only using 10% of your brain? You know what the problem is with this guy? It's not that this guy doesn't think he's dumb. It's that he thinks he's smart. You know what I'm talking about? 15-year-old me right there.

And honestly, that guy's going to go so far in life. I'll tell you right now, that guy's going to live to be 105. He's going to, oh, dude, this is the goal actually this woman's gonna die of cancer at like 65 and this dude's gonna live to be 100 because of his you gotta be like this fuck dude but he'll have no family though you know based on your brain you don't have to be using 11 to know someone else he's saying i'm 10 you're 10 but like everyone's 10 that is not mathematically correct that is like someone had that you have to have everyone's 10 that is not mathematically correct that is not like someone had that you have to have been using 10 more than 10 of your brain to know that everyone

else uses yes because if you're only using 10 or something that means you don't know the rest of the 90 what does that mean dude so you don't know the rest of the 90 and in the rest of the 90 is how you would know that you're using 10 of the brain or something you don't know yeah you're right so i'm right perfect no no you're right about the 90 and the 10. Okay, so if I'm only using 10, right? I'm the first person in the world, right? Say I'm Adam, and I wrote that we can only use 10% of our brains. That means I would have to surpass the number 10. Why does it mean that?

That's crazy. Let me break this down for you. You can break down i'm a doc i love it dude i wish i could see the whole interview and invite that guy over and then honestly have a really great fucking time and have him be one of my friends and my mom would be mad um what a crazy leap, dude, oh, this was great, the guy can't help but fucking perv, the guy cannot help but perv, who is this woman,

I don't even know, but he's taking pictures of her, and she turns around, and her butt is big, and the bro, the guy can't help it. He let his perv slip out. God, this is so annoying when they're doing this. I used to do this shit.

Over here, over here, over here. And they're like, over here, Mr. D'Elia. And then someone else is always in the back. Who's this guy? I got to put it on my... Hold out those arms. And then... Front of the outfit.

That's gotta go over the shoulder, yeah. She turns around and says, holy smokes, dude. Such a white guy. So perving, dude. Let his perv slip out, you know? Oh my god, dude. Such a white guy. So perving, dude. Let his perv slip out, you know? Oh, my God, dude. Oh, my God. That's...

I got to start... I have to actually start jerking off. I'm sorry, guys. Hold this camera. Oh, God. All right. Let's see the front of the outfit. All right.

Let's move on. Who we got now? RDJ? Good thing I busted a nut. All right. What do we got here? All right. What do we on. Who we got now? RDJ? Good thing I busted a nut. All right, what do we got here? All right, what do we got? Oh, okay, we got the guy that Chris Lee can never remember his name from Green Mile and Galactic Galaxy Quest.

Again, I can't remember his name. Steve? Wait, don't tell me. Remember? I can't remember his fucking name dude for the life of me hold on a second hold on a second Sam Rockwell yes I'm getting better dude I'm getting better man you know how I but it's unfair because I just go I remember his name is my dog's name and then I get Sam and then Rockwell dude that, that's bullshit. Why can't I just remember his name is Sam Rockwell?

That took me like minutes on one episode. Oh. The State of the Union happened, which I know. I come to the same chamber to address the nation now it's we who face unprecedented moment it's wrong history of the union it's wrong and yes my purpose tonight is to wake up the congress and alert the american people that this is no ordinary moment either so drunk dude since president President Lincoln and the Civil War. President Lincoln. Present.

Have freedom and democracy. Not since President Lincoln. Not since President Lincoln and democracy war. Under assault at home as there are today. Sorry today. So drunk. Took fucking so many shots beforehand. All right, we doing this?

Democracy war. Not since President Clinton. It's President Lincoln. Makes our moment rare. ahead all right we're doing this a democracy war it's president president that's his president clinton it's president lincoln it's our moment rare is the freedom of democracy we're under attack at both at home and overseas at the very same time overseas putin of russia is on the march invading ukraine it's actually i don't think i could even do this. I guess I kind of do stand up and stuff, but. That's crazy, bro. I can't believe we're here with Trump and Biden. Oh, now we're going to get them. Now we can't.

I'm going to be demonetized. Great. Whatever, dude. I got to get them. Now we can't. Now we're going to be demonetized. Great. Whatever, dude. I got to stop talking about the election. I'm so dumb anyway. Here we go. God, it got hot in here. I had to put the air on for a little bit.

Jordan, have a great day and keep being undeniably you. Go to my page if you want to purchase a 10-word out shout out or add holler.baby slash Chris D'Elia. There you go jordan with a y people who try to spell their name a little differently i don't know about that hey my name is dave how do you spell it p-a-u-l um uh all right that's it um thank you very much you guys that was episode 369 go on over that's our that's it for the uh patreon that's it thank you very much you guys that was episode 369 go on over that's it for the

Patreon that's it for the YouTube episode if you want to go watch the rest of it go to our Patreon patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia sign up and for six bucks you get all the full episodes and then also all of the extra episodes a month and we really appreciate

you that you keep the show going. Without you guys, this show would not keep going. So, thank you very much. Until next time. Bye.