Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 371. Flying and Colonoscopies

Episode Date: March 28, 2024

😮 Get 10-word ads at holler.baby/chrisdelia (PRICE DROP!) 🎤 MY SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is here: chrisdelia.com/god 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. This week we've got flying and colonoscopies as the title suggests. Plus newsroom screwups, Ye's huge bed, and a really great conversation from Grindr. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's the episode of congratulations. It's the episode of congratulations and we are off up and running and it is time to get into it you know uh i wow brian callen just texted me stupid idiot he wrote okay all right uh let me actually read some of the texts he sends just out of nowhere just out of nowhere uh he writes here we go hold on uh the oh god the guys i guys he texts me the worst ideas sometimes okay okay just for no reason for no reason out of out of the blue, he texts me, Chris D'Elia to-do list, colon, things to do, again after that, colon, which only means that he copy and pasted this to a bunch of his friends and changed the name, things to do, first thing, feed my kids, second,

puss around like a pussy, third, napuss some more five go to bed and then he and then in a separate text he writes true or false let's see what else let's see what else he writes okay he says uh how's your workouts going great I bet huh for no reason no no no wait three texts he writes ooh no no no he writes hi okay then I write what the fuck okay man okay oh hey man and I say

don't flirt with me on text and he says ooh wildcat, meow. And then he writes, how's your workouts going? Great, I bet, huh? I said, okay, man, they're good, but yeah, but chill. And he says, I bet, good is an understatement. Do you push until you think you'll explode, then collapse into a dripping pump deep?

Oh, here's another for no reason text out of the blue writes uh wait let me read it first to make sure there's nothing incriminating um okay here we go i'm pretty original at the end of the day for example this reason doesn't uh what does that mean this this reason doesn't bother me at all you might have a spelled spelled spelling mistake you i'm guessing are in a corner feeling scared or feeling set even though you're under the covers set okay well he definitely voice texted that one and ruined it whatever whatever it's a big disappointment but he texts me crazy shit um anyway uh um what was i gonna say i was going to say something about Brian Callen or

no? I don't know. Anyway, what I am going to do is talk about, well, you know, it's an episode, so we're having a good time. We can play stuff from YouTube and they won't demonetize us because it doesn't matter because we're not demonetizing it and you guys get the the raw deal you get the real raw deal you know you get the real raw deal right i went to get my well i went to today to get the uh i i'm getting i have to i'm gonna get a colonoscopy because i'm i'm not quite at that age yet but why not get it out the way right it's the only curable cancer which I didn't know and is colon cancer so I am going to do that but what I have

to do first is go in for like a pre thing I gotta go in and I gotta talk to the doctor and he has to tell me what it is and then he asks me two or three questions that could absolutely be over the phone and it's just tell me what it is. And then he asked me two or three questions that could absolutely be over the phone. And it's just to get your money, I would think, right? Because it's

just, I'll just, let me show up the day of, put the thing in my butthole for 20 minutes. If you got to snip something out, snip something out. If you don't, all good. I'll come back in 10 years, right? But I don't want to do this colonoscopy, but I have to. My uncle didn't do a colonoscopy until he was 70 something and everything was fine. But one in 20 people get it. That cancer. That's what the doctor said to me. Couldn't believe it. So I'm like, oh man. And my grandma had it. So I'm worried all good didn't mean to start the podcast like this but well also i told him i'll take that cillian husk cillian husk cillian murphy husk and uh that he said that he uh to take to make my my fiber good you know and he's like can you take

it every day i said no no and he said oh how much i said well not very often actually he's like so every now and then i was like I said, no, no. And he said, oh, how much? I said, well, not very often, actually. He's like, so every now and then? I was like, maybe, yeah. And then he kind of rolled his eyes and I was like, why am I even saying I take it, you know? I used to be such a hard line about that shit, though. With drugs, I used to be like,

if somebody smoked weed, I thought that they were like, they do drugs. Do you do drugs? No. I mean, I've done it once or twice. Oh, so you do drugs. I would be like that annoying kid.

Like such, such an annoying kid. But I went to my colonoscopy, and I guess you can't eat or drink for a whole day. And I was going to do an 8 a.m. colonoscopy, but here's the deal, dude. I'm always thinking, dude. I'm always thinking, all right? I can either go Monday or Tuesday. Those are the days he puts the things in your butthole and snips out polyps and whatnot and takes a camera and an old film crew and looks in the...

If his film crew runs into my film crew on my back, that'd be hilarious. But so he... It's either Monday or Thursday. So they said, how about Thursday? I said, no, I'm going to be in Victoria, BC then. Can't do it then, by the way. Victoria, bccristley.com.

And I said, so they said, how about April 1st, Monday? I go, what a great, perfect for me. April Fools, I'm going to get an colonoscopy. That's great. Comedian, I love it. Okay. 8 a.m. I go, all right, fine. Okay, let's do it. I'll wake up early. I'll do it. The day's shot anyway, right? Because you had something up your butt for 20 minutes no homo but i did but no homo even no homo or homo if you had something up your butt for 20 minutes pretty much days over right can we can we agree can we agree with that um so i mean even for women if you do anal can we agree with your days over if you have something up for 20 minutes right days over all shot right that's why you don't really do i feel like you probably if you do anal if you're in an anal you don't do it in the morning you know i feel like you do it

probably from 4 30 on right and and days up days up right so uh you know you have dinner after that even if it's early you go to bed like an old person but um anyway uh i was like okay i'll do it at 8 a.m fuck it the day i'll be shot but i'll just relax you know it's a monday i usually do congratulations on monday but you know what maybe i'll do it on a sunday or maybe i'll do it on a saturday who knows you know i could get crazy with it so they say let's do it 8 a.m monday i go i say okay but like an idiot i'm there i'm like okay wait no wait i fly back then wait how many days does march have i'm like such an idiot you know and she's like, it goes to the 31st. I was like, okay, then I'll do it.

So then I come back, and on the way back, I'm like, I don't want to wake up that early just because somebody's going to put something in my butt. Also, it's weird, right? Because I don't want something to go up my butt, period. Why am I waking up early to do it? Let's just do it in the afternoon, which is what they do on Thursdays, and I'll just find a Thursday I'm not out of town. Furthermore, I fly back sunday okay so check this out now this is where i really start to get and this is really

the shit and this is what i love saying this kind of stuff on my patreon because this is the depths the very depths of me that you guys get to unlock that not many people get to unlock because this is the patreon episode i i go to i i come back sunday the day before my this is the most boring fucking thing i've ever talked about my life i'm talking about flying and colonoscopies whatever i fly back sunday my wife says because she's going to come with me right my wife says let's fly back Sunday. My wife says, because she's going to come with me, right? My wife says, let's fly back really early. It's Easter. I want to be with the boys. I say, okay, cool, right?

So I'm going to come take the first flight back from not North Carolina, but Virginia. And I can't eat. I can't eat from 8 a.m. to 8 a.m., 24 hours. Now, I'm like, well, I'm going to wake up and take an early flight, so that's going to be a full 24 hours of not eating, right? Now, I get I'll probably be sleeping for, well, I probably won't be sleeping that much of it, to be honest, okay? Because put it this way, I wake up at 8, I got to start by not eating, all right? Because it's already 24 hours, and I'm going to be doing the, putting the thing on my butt, put the film crew in my butt. So I'll probably sleep. Cause I'll be nervous. Cause I don't want a thing on my butt

for 20 minutes, less than normal. Okay. So I'll probably get, to be honest, five hours of sleep at the most. So that's 19 hours of not eating. That's a lot. Now check this out, dude. And this is where the logistics come in. If I'm doing it on a Thursday, I cannot eat at three the day before, wake up late on Wednesday and not eat from, say I wake up at like 11 on Wednesday. I don't eat from 11 to 11 on the next Thursday, but I already knocked out the beginning because I've been sleeping

and I've woken up hungry in my life twice. That was very quiet, but it's okay. We'll juice it up, right? For the thing. I've only woken up hungry in my life twice. So now I'm like, oh shit. I'll wake up at 11, do 24 hours of fasting, but check it out, I've already knocked out, so I'll go to bed a little earlier, and then wake up late on Wednesday, bro, it's gonna be like only two, three hours of not eating,

then I'm gonna wake up, I gotta that that stuff though i gotta take that stuff right that flushes you out where you're just hanging out you take the you drink that stuff and it makes you just it makes you do it's like that laxative right by the way why can't i just take regular laxative you ever take regular laxatives that i mean you can't go anywhere you got to shit everywhere all the time why do they why do they you got, they got to give you a thing. Remember in the eighties, dude, when my parents would do it,

they'd have a jug of water, like a fucking asshole working out at the gym. Just a jug of water, not water, but all the X-Lac shit. And then they drink it and they'd just be shitting all, all night. Wow.

Vivid memory, vivid memories of my parents drinking, uh, that stuff. Anyway, I don't want to do it, but you got to do it. Preventative, right? So I'm going to do it. And the doctor was like, do you want to go out?

Way out? Do you want to go out for 20 minutes? Or do you want to be in that twilight stage? And I'm like, I kind of want to be out. But then I'm like, I don't want to be groggy. Just put me out in the twilight stage. But then I'm like, what if I really like it? I'll be a drug addict from then on. like I don't want to be groggy just put me out in the twilight stage but then I'm like what if I really like it I'll be a drug addict from then on and I guarantee it

um but anyway uh so yeah so that's that's kind of what's going on dude I had a fucking thing this week um um fucking thing this week, I don't, people are just, they're just, they just are gonna be dumb, huh?

And it's not everybody. Everybody's not dumb. but everybody together creates dumb right like everybody for instance i have 2.2 million followers on instagram if i post a story i'm going to receive dumb right even if it's very easy to figure out or whatever even just a regular thing i there are too many people on my thing following me to where i can't receive dumb right so i will receive dumb no matter what so my life's going to be inundated with dumbness pretty much because i'm posting right so i dude i go to this fucking i mean i guess it's like an outdoor mall kind of a thing.

It's where I work out and eat sometimes, get coffee, whatever. And I talked about this on my story on my Instagram. But a guy blocked me in, dude. Okay? I go. I park. I go to work out. I come back.

I'm blocked in. And like an idiot, I'm like this, like an idiot. I'm looking for my car and I'm like, where's my car for way too long? And I notice I'm like, I thought I parked right here. I did park right there. There's just a guy blocking me in. So I'm like, wait, I was right the whole time. My car is just in front of that guy's car because I pulled in a little further than normal.'s car because I pulled in a little further than normal. All right. I pulled in a little further than normal because there's no wall.

There's no wall, right? There's no wall. So I can just pull in a little further as far. Guess how much I can pull in as far as I want. Because I'm not, it doesn't affect anybody. As a matter of fact, it makes people's lives easier. I pull in a little too far, then the person to my left and right can open their doors freely without digging anything. And I can open my doors freely without digging them.

So what I'm doing is good. What I'm doing is good. I did it that way because I'm good. Okay? Now, I do that and I go, awesome. Now, I go work out i come back someone because i pulled in too far is now pulled in behind me blocking me in i can't get out because of something i did that's good now what kind of car blocked me in yes you guessed it a lime green jeep of course he did right so i'm pissed off and i'm like

what the fuck kind of asshole i can't get out now i live here now i live here and i'm i'm pissed and i'm not pissed you what? I'm not even taking it personal. I'm pissed that Jesus Christ has made these kinds of people. You know, I'm just like, come on, God. You ever get so mad where you're not just angry personally, you just go, ah, come on, God. so I'm like, I'm, I'm, I'm there. And another guy parked next to me says, I'm leaving. You could swing around and come out and get out this way if you want to. And now I'm even doubly pissed because I don't want to, right. I don't want to have to do that. Number one, number two, I don't want to do that because I don't get to be here when the guy gets here and then get to be mad at that guy. Dude, this is so insane, right? But I don't want to live there.

So I'm like, okay, I guess I'll leave. I'll leave. Fuck it. Thank you. Good. Good idea. I leave, right? The lime green fucking car is there sticking out, okay?

So I put it on my story. the amount of people, the amount of absolute morons that are telling me I double parked, that are telling me I parked wrong, that are telling me I parked like a jackass so I deserve it. Dude, I just go, all right, okay.

I got time today, I guess. I guess I got time today, I guess. I guess I got time. And I just posted a bunch of stories after that about how you need to understand that this is what happened. Who cares? People were still dumb after that. They say, no, but I still would have been mad

because you double parked. Oh, I just explained. Oh, he just explained how he didn't double park, but okay. Oh, he just explained how he didn't. Absolutely bonkers, dude dude people just are they just don't think see this is the thing because i get i get i ask a lot of questions sometimes my wife is like hey you know the answer already and i'm like but i want to ask about a specific part of this thing because i want to make sure I know and maybe yes maybe I'm a little autistic but also I'm you know what I'm doing making sure a lot of people should be making sure more what happened the other day

my oh the Brendan's party thing I was such an idiot on the text and I wanted to unload on my wife I just wanted to be like, wait a minute. What the fuck did this happen? Why did this happen? And I just sat with it and we were texting and I thought, you know what? I might be wrong about this, but I'm sure I'm not. I had all of the texts to make sure that I wasn't wrong. I was looking at the texts and I go, I know I'm not wrong.

You know why? Because of looking, because of seeing the evidence, because of seeing the words that are on my phone right now. That's all the evidence that I need. I'm definitely right. So I get to be mad, but what do I do? I go, you know what me, I've had it worse off before. what do I do? I go, you know what, me? I've had it worse off before. Maybe I'm still wrong. Even though I see I'm right. So I back off the heat and I say, you know what, babe? I'm sorry. A lot of times I just don't really get stuff. Can you explain to me how this happened? And guess what she did? Explained how it happened happened and then i looked at the texts again and saw what it actually said you ever see something that's not there you ever see something that's not there how about this

you ever see something that's not there twice how about this you ever see something that's not there how about this you ever see something that's not there twice how about this you ever see something that's not there a few times that was me so sure and then i said you know what instead of getting mad let's just quadruple check with someone else's eyes okay my eyes are fucking done then. My brain just doesn't compute. I just fucking do it. I had a conversation with my brother and my dad the other day and I forgot two separate things two different times. And my brother says,

man, that's happened to you a lot lately. So, great. It's not getting any better. I mean, I've been saying I need to g ginkgo biloba but i don't take it maybe i should really actually start taking it what the fuck is ginkgo biloba anyway let me look at it up i mean i know kind of what it is it's not the tea with the balls in it is it no no that's soba wait what is that ginkgo biloba is a plant. Oh, okay. Do they make a tea or what? No, not the soup.

What's that thing that was super LA? Oh yeah, it's pills, right? Ginkgo biloba pills. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is it? Boba tea. Does anyone even take that anymore? It's an Asian thing, right? Yeah, but these fucking morons with the shit

i'm sure it's fine but like i don't this is the number one white chick thing you know it's like they just want to drink tea with balls in it because they're so like it's different you know it's super annoying this is like what it didn't really pop off like uh yoga but it's basically yoga in a in a in a in a in a glass i'll try something i cool different colors i'm a sucker boba tea dude i i somebody told me they're like no you got to try it though and i go all right you with that attitude i'm not even fucking fuck i'm not i'm never fucking with it now because of that and i and i made that a thing and it's a thing so that's fine um i got the uh the yeezy uh tea i paid twenty dollars for a yeezy tea and it came in the mail and i got it and it has a one on the back you know and uh the guy who was on twitter

that was making fun of the yeezy tee that I talked about last few episodes ago. He, uh, it's the same shirt he has and I fucking wear it. And I think I look, I'm fucking, I like it, dude.

I'm going to wear it when I work out. I probably won't. I wear it just lounging around the house. You know how I do it. Um, Kanye, I guess has a big, big bed.

I've thought of this before. I've thought of this before. So I want credit. Look at how big Kanye West's bed is. I've thought about this before. I want a bed that's just the floor of my bedroom. And you put a mattress on the whole floor. When I was a kid, I remember thinking of that and thinking,

yo, that's going to be, when I'm an adult, can you just do what you want? What is it about kids' imaginations? My kid, if it was up to my kid, he would just be different people or things all day. This morning, he was a cat. He was a cat. He said, look, look, I'm a cat, and he's just walking around like a cat. I was like, oh, cool. Look, look, I'm a cat and he's just walking around like a cat and i was like oh cool look look i'm a cat falling and he falls down oh that's cool look look you see this cat over here i'm like all right cool you know what happens why can't we fucking

do that anymore that we really you know something really sweet about that you know and i get it we have responsibility and jobs and also are in reality and kids aren't. But like, well, they're in reality. They just don't realize it. They think reality is a little bit different. They think reality is a little more fantastic than it is, right? Like my son earlier, he was like, look, I'm in a box. And he was completely halfway in the box. I'm like, I can see you.

You're not in the box. But I didn't break it. I didn't say that to him. I was like, oh, what's in there? Hey, I pretended to open it. in the box, you know, but I didn't break it. I didn't say that to him. I was like, oh, what's in there? I pretended to open it. my point is,

what's the, where is it, you know? Where is it? When I was a kid, I was like, I'm going to get a bed that covers the floor of my bedroom. And it's going to be, you know what I'm going to get a bed that covers the floor of my bedroom. And it's going to be, you know what I'm going to be? The best adult because of that, right? I was just like, I'm never not going to do this shit.

I'm never not going to be dreaming like this and be a fucking kid. I'm never not going to do that shit. And you know, look, I'm 43. I tell jokes for a living and I'm silly as shit. And the other day I was joking with somebody I don't even remember. And I was like, I can't believe we're this old doing this shit. The other person was older than me. But I'm like, that's the life I fucking created.

And that's fine. But at what point did I decide it wasn't a good idea to have a whole fucking floor bed in my house? I just kind of lost that there. I don't really want it anymore isn't that weird our our wants change you know I don't like that I wish I liked the same stuff when I was a kid if I did be having a lot more fun I see my kid playing with transformers just having such a good time dude and I'm like man I want to have that good of a time but I instead I'm having a good time, dude. And I'm like, man, I want to have that good of a time. But instead, I'm having a great time watching him, but I'm smiling, like, just like watching and smiling,

like it's the end of a movie or something, you know, and I'm like the character that learned a little bit. And I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Ed at Mercy Medical Hospital in Wooliston. Runners participated in the London Marathon today, less than a week after the bombings. Athletes. NBC.

Okay. The worst newscast broadcast. Dreams in Motion organization has a fun time for the disabled. A deadly avalanche kills five in Colorado. You're watching this first day. No. Oh, AJ Clemente. Oh, this was years ago, right? I mean, this could not have been 10 years ago. It was posted.

You may have seen our news. AJ on seeing North Dakota news. And he'll be joining the weekend news. Hey, guy. She's talking. It's obviously on. My co-anchor. Tell us a little bit about yourself, AJ.

Thanks, Van. I'm very excited. I graduated from West Virginia University. And I'm used to, you know, from being from the East Coast. Ah! I love it, dude. The first day. And he exposed himself, too, because he was like, yeah, so I graduated, and now I'm doing my job. Okay, well, welcome aboard, AJ.

Thanks. Go for it. A fatal ATV crash happened yesterday in Williams County. Officials say Kevin George rolled with his ATV while turning from Canal to 151st Street. George was thrown from his vehicle. He was not wearing a helmet and pronounced dead at Mercy Medical Hospital in Williston. Runners participated in the London Marathon today, less than a week after the bombings. runners participated in the london marathon today less than a week after the bombings athletes paid tribute to the victims of the bombings with the 32nd moment of silence

observed before the start of the men's elite race and the wow why does he go to news your news leader in high definition gay fucking shit why does he just say gay fucking shit dude like don't say You should have a rule when you get behind the desk You're just like I know somebody could be I mean you're mic'd dude That's unbelievable Good evening I'm Van Tew

You may have seen our news Good evening I'm Van Tew You may have seen our news AJ on North Dakota News And then he's still... Did he say, I'm gay? Um, thanks, Van. I'm very excited. I graduated from West Virginia University, and I'm used to, you know, from being from the East Coast.

What do you think he was trying to say? What do you think he was trying to say? What do you think he was trying to say? This is incredible. AJ on seeing North Dakota news and he'll be joining. So they're on North Dakota. We can news team as my co-anchor. Tell us a little bit about yourself, AJ. Thanks.

You can tell by the arm. It was fucked. You know why? Because the um was two different notes. Um. If you go, um, you could have a comedy. But um, the second you fucking start, look. Um.

Um. That's, you're done. That's the end. You know what your last word should be in that sentence? Um. Because you're not getting anywhere good after that. Thanks, man. I'm very excited. That's the end. You know what your last word should be in that sentence? Um, because you're not getting anywhere good after that. Thanks, man. I'm very excited.

I graduated from West Virginia University and I'm used to, you know, from being from the East Coast. Okay. I think what he tried to say is I'm used to the weather, like the cold weather from being from the East Coast. Okay. Yeah, because North Dakota, right? Because it's cold. Let's. Wow. That's great.

Dude, the newscaster fails are so great. And I think it's because it's the ultimate you had one job. Fuck. All they have to do is get information to you. And when they just blow it and they're like, this just in Schneisenberg. It's just so, why is it so beautiful to see that shit?

You know, why? Let's look up another one. Newscaster bloopers. Bloopers. I don't know if I like. What is it? Oh, wait.

What was this one? I've seen this one. Not so pale. You're on it. What? The officer. I mean, don't laugh. Oh, these are all.

You're asking for DUI. These are. I am. I am. I am. I am. Oh, it's okay. No, no, no. Oh, come are all the... I'm already arrested for DUI. These are... I am. Hold him tight. I am. I am. You got him. I am. That's okay.

No, no, no. Oh, come on, dude. This one looks great. Move it. It's okay. Come a little closer. I'm going to stay here by Joey. Alligator.

Do they know what you think? Okay, so... So... All right. All right. So, this. So. All right. All right. So this is like two minutes in. An alligator. The newscast is holding an alligator.

And then there's two wranglers. And the male wrangler is a male and female. Male wrangler is holding a smaller alligator or crocodile, whatever. And then the woman is just watching okay hold him tight hold him tight hold him i am i am hold him i am i am you got it i am that's okay all right all right johnny you got it um first and last night i am i am i am what's I am! I am! I am! Oh, this guy fell and pulled in. Amazing, dude.

That's the one right before it, dude. He just falls in and it's too... Oh, man. Russians falling are great because they're so serious. It's okay. Come a little closer. The amount of times the guy says i am let's do an i am counter here we go here by joni do they know they hold him tight hold him tight hold him i am i am hold him i am i am that's okay all right all right johnny you got five of them five i am and the guy was... Hold on, hold on, hold on. What's the last name, please? Erica O'Donnell. And can you spell just the last? F-I-R-S-T-L-A-S-T.

Oh no, that's so stupid. In the news this morning, the next time you pass gas, make sure no police are around. A man in West Virginia faces assault charges after police say he passed gas and fantasized... The officer. I mean, don't laugh. After the man was already arrested for DUI, according to police report of St. Cruz. I can't even get through this.

He passed a gas zone while the officer said it was, quote, very odorous and created, and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature. See, that wasn't even right. To put that story in there was wrong. That was wrong, Ray. I didn't even see it when I was looking through the script. He stuck that in there. Very odorous.

I mean, you know... I can't believe... Oh, come on. I'm sorry. What? I'm sorry. It's one of those. It's one of those.

I totally felt for it, didn't I? What an idiot! I think it was a trick. I think you're right. I think it was a trick, Nate. I think you're right. That's great. I think you're right.

Wow. You think? I sneeze here. Man, I could watch these kinds of things all day, huh? Shit, man. Wow. Sneeze. Maybe she stars that sneeze.

Kind of sneeze. This works a little more. It's just fun. Who asked for that shout out? Who asked for it? I'm going to be dizzy as shit, honestly. Oh, wait. This one.

Look. Who asked for it? This is 18 minutes in. And I have a sick mind, but that's the way it came across. Hopefully there's not a 10-year-old really with that name out there. Wow. Apparently they're the most popular creatures right now this time of year. Beaver breeding.

Those little guys are cute and cuddly looking. The beavers I've seen are bigger. And not. Yeah, and they don't look as friendly. I don't know. Maybe I've seen my beavers in the wrong place. Hey, guy. Making it worse.

Getting fired. Moving on. Getting so fired, you know? That's so dumb that they call vaginas beavers. Like, what dork came up with that? I remember when I learned that. Even as a nine-year-old, I was like, what? That's stupid.

Welcome. I mean, dude, this fucking thing. And please enjoy the stylings of the pussy eaters. Dude, just... Well, that guy's not even doing it. Oh, Martin Scorsese's in there. That's cool. Dude, just... What the heck has he been doing? Oh, Martin Scorsese's in there. That's cool. I mean, the one guy who's going...

He really does... You know, dude, these guys got so many chicks after the concerts. How many are there? I mean, there's just like a hundred guys. Oh, the guy's not even doing it. Just an old guy that was just doing this. Oh, that guy's not even doing it. Just an old guy that was just doing this. Oh, that's disgusting

what that guy did. Side to side, all the little... How many guys? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, the worst singing, 8,

9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23. Are you shitting me, me dude 24 guys got together just also anybody could do that shit you know i wish i was in it and they were just panned by me and i was just going like really go for it why aren't they going for it Why aren't they going for it? Why aren't they going for it? Probably because it was like the 70s or 60s. Dude, are you telling me now? Oh my gosh.

I'd be killing that shit. Every song would start with an M. And here we go. We got the Pussy Eaters coming. Late night on Jimmy Kimmel Show. We got the Pussy Eaters coming late, late after, late night on Jimmy Kimmel Show. We got the Pussy Eaters. Stay tuned. What is that? So not talented.

I'm doing well. How are you? Fine. What's your name and where are you from? Giancarlo Esposito from Italia, New York. Oh, I see. Stop playing with them. Damn. Let me see your outfit. Describe it right quick. What's that? Describe your outfit. My outfit? Uh-huh. Zania top. Got a little, got a little, got a little zip, you know, keep me warm. Zania, Zania sweater. Ooh. Cashmere, baby. Ah. The other cashmere is out of sight. Stop playing with them. Oh, yeah. I got ceramica pants.

These ain't nothing, man. These ain't shit. Man, I'm a research. Boost it up. Damn. That's actually cool, this guy. And the hat. Uh-huh.

Penman Classic, John. Penman. Stop playing. And made, you know what I'm saying? Okay, you know what I'm saying? This is the Royal Cap. This will hold up in 30-degree weather, 20-degree weather. Uh-huh.

Rainstorm coming down on it. It's 10x Bieber. It's going to keep you warm and keep you dry. You know, that's right. That's right. They're talking about something that isn't this exciting, you know. If you had a Stalin tip, what would it be? Top and bottom, baby.

Damn! Ow, you know that. You know what's so funny is how, of course, Giancarlo Esposito is the happiest man, you know? His career just has gone. He wasn't even getting really shit until he was 50-something, you know? And now he's in some show that's coming out that looks absolutely terrible. The new show that's coming out where he's like, basically it's the thing where, like, he gets famous for playing,

I'm not saying he's bad. He's the thing where like he gets famous for playing i'm not saying he's bad he's not bad he's great but he he does the one thing very well and now this is the this is the show that's gonna tank because he's doing the thing and this is the show where he's doing the thing and everyone's just gonna be like oh we're we're done also he's the lead role um We're done. Also, he's the lead role. Yeah. I didn't know he was Italian. I guess the name is Italian, yeah. What is this fucking betting scandal?

Massive theft. Translator changes story. Oh, that's the key. That's the key, dude. Learn a different language and just speak that and have a translator. If you fuck up, you can't get canceled. Nah, I didn't say that the translator fucked it up he's the one that said the n-word

it wasn't me he said i said it shohei hotani's lawyers say the dodger superstar has allegedly been the victim of massive theft reportedly accusing his now former interpreter. Oh, okay. Of taking funds. The interpreter? That's, you can't really. The one thing about this is he can't be. Being an interpreter, he can't be like,

sorry, I misinterpreted what you said. Like, you can't use that defense. So you're fucked. Oh, I thought he said 4.5 million. Ah, $4.50. Now I get it. Oh, I was wondering why he wanted to wire transfer me for four dollars and 50 cents for 4.5 million okay that that makes sense okay my my bad i get him fired but i just misinterpret uh

he claiming on tuesday that was paying off his gambling debts okay so the interpreter said that he was paying off his gambling debts and then he changed his story a day later however to say otani was unaware of the payments mizuhura who has been working with the tiny for more than six years was in seoul korea uh with otani and the dodgers and and they opened a 2024 MLB regular season. I don't know. Wow, that's pretty wild. I guess it's boring, right? Wait, billion?

Oh, million, yeah. Gambling debt. Well, remember what's-his-name supposedly had a $50 million. Apparently that's fake. Apparently that's fake. Obviously he, Otani, wasn't happy about it and said he would help me out to make sure I never do this again, Missouri said. Oh, yeah? He decided to pay it off for me.

I want everyone to know. Wow. Oh, so they're saying that the baseball player is bad because he was betting. But now he's saying. Yeah, no, he never did, right. But he wanted people to know that he didn't. Right, wow. Crazy.

Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Incred. Incred. This was wild. Saudi Arabia's first male robot. Perving out. How is that?

By the way, check that. Someone check that that's a robot. That, that, that, that, I mean, you know what I mean? It could be like the, um, the fucking things in the Super Bowl that the creator made. This could easily be just a guy with a fucking mask on. If you want it to, if you want it to grow, you just do it. You could just do that right there. Whoopsie.

That would have been amazing. Look, here we go. The man makes you say, robot, what are you doing? And he just says, she was asking for it. She shouldn't have been walking down that alley late at night. She wasn't. She's a news reporter. Well, she shouldn't have been wearing that.

A blazer and pants? Well. What about all that ass? What about all that ass? Programmed. Who made this robot? Oh oh it was fucking okay makes sense it was uh robin thick robin thick dude remember when he remember when he took that he took that picture with the girl with the woman and he and it took the picture of him and behind the camera captured the mirror behind him

and his hand was fully in the girl's pussy. It's fully in the girl's vagina. And they were like, dude, if that was now, he'd be bad. Robin, look it up. I shouldn't even bring it up.

It's beyond, it wouldn't matter. The guy's too big to get canceled. You see it? What do you type in? Vagina grab. Mirror picture. There it is. You see it?

It's in there, dude. Well, you gotta just hand it in there. I mean, it's just straight up in there, dude. Dude. That is so... That's who made the robot. My, I'm sorry. She shouldn't have been wearing that.

She shouldn't be walking down the alley late at night like that all alone. Maybe. When was this, by the way? Does it say? See, this is crazy. You know what I mean? If I did this, there'd be nine articles about it. 2013,

yeah, back when you could kind of just like you know do whatever um wow so funny oh well i got uh i got i got you know gotta be honest. Part of me just wants to watch those newscaster videos. And because they're so fucking funny, dude. It's the ultimate. Maybe we watch these.

The deserved skills get me. But we know what's going to happen here. I mean, if the right one's not going to get you, the left one's going to get you, you know? Then,

you know what? He deserves that just for what he's wearing. This is a fucking dick tracy villain like to be in this suit alone is crazy to be in the suit doing this is insane deserved it a 10 that's a 10 we found a 10 dude we rarely get 10 that's a 10 oh okay the top comment is dressed like that you deserve it there we go there you go There we go.

There you go. Here we go, surfing over a table. Wow. Oh! That didn't go the way I thought it was going to. I thought he was going to go flying and he didn't even get there, dude. Let's see. Hold on.

Let's see what that is. What number? Out of 10. 10. 10. You didn't get that hurt, so 10. I kind of wish he got a little more hurt on that one, honestly. That one was okay.

He probably seemed like he was okay. Stomping on a metal bar. No. That's a fake. No, it's not fake huh because the way they got laughed you know it was his friend dude so watch what happens step on a thing that's like an eight maybe oh yeah i already know okay that's like an eight um let's see over here Let's see over here. Bro, I can't believe. Let me think about firecrackers.

Like, if you're over 17 and you're playing with firecrackers, what are you doing, dude? What are you doing dude what are you what are you doing there's there's exceptions like if you have kids and they want to see firecrackers and you're 40 and you so you like them you know but if you're doing it like oh dude check this one out you're a fucking if you're doing it like oh dude check this one out you're a fucking moron oh man now you go over there here oh you're doing that you're a fucking moron firecrackers are the thing that you after like age 16 you just go oh wait it's really just seeing a bunch of lights. I am done with that. There's all the versions of this. I've seen all of the, pretty much all of the versions of this. All good. Pack it up. But some people will just be like,

hey, you go into the fireworks, Right? And then people just blindly like, yeah, why? Because it's a certain date and we're near a Ferris wheel. Right? Because it's always right. And so like, if you're over 16 fucking with fireworks

and then you're not part of the exception, you just kind of deserve it, whatever happens. Look. Swinging around. Swinging it around. That is... Fantastic.

Swung it around like he's got one of those bad guy, like in a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie. A chain with a hook at the end of it and swing it around his body and it just lit him up, dude. Oh, fuck. He got fucked. The back of his head. Oh, he's fucked. He got fucked. I love how he hasn't uttered one word.

Dude, his hair is gone in the back. That guy didn't uttered one word. Dude, his hair is gone in the back. That guy didn't get blind. Wow. That's a 10 maybe. The way he reacted was great. The way he reacted made it a 10 because he jumped a little bit and his foot went up. oh dude whose fault is that the drivers no yeah well no no it no. No. It's the driver.

Well, it's both their faults equally. No. It's probably the passenger's fault a little bit more. It's got to be. You don't put shit up on the... One time I was driving with my brother and I had like an information on a piece of paper. This is before cell phones.

And I needed the information. And I was driving home from school and I gave it to my brother I said hold this the windows were open I said hold this I need it it's important uh give it to me when we go home and he says and he goes all right takes it put it on the dashboard I said no don't do that it's gonna blow away he's like no it's not I'm like yes it is it's on the dashboard the windows were open I was like it's gonna blow he's like no it's not i'm like yes it is it's on the dashboard the windows were open i was like it's gonna blow he's like no it's not i promise how about this i promise it's not gonna blow away and i said really and he said yeah i said okay it fucking goes like this like dude it taunted us it literally was going like this part was the part where he's going

fuck you matt and matt goes to try it goes it like dude it was like a cartoon it was and we laughed so hard dude but I was mad and I I don't know that's crazy um wow tinder here we go some tinder I can't believe I've never been on a dating app in my life it's just never happened I'm hurt he says what had happened I was short question mark I mean I was shot by gun oh wow

oh my god go to the hospital already there he says why are you on what oh my God, go to the hospital. Already there, he says. Why are you on... Why are you on Grindr? And then he says, I'm looking for... And he says, I'm looking... I'm looking for a long-term relationship, dude. Wow, this is ultimate funny

because it's got the typo, the reveal of what happened, and then just the obvious nature of what this guy's asking. I'm hurt what had happened. What had happened? So black to be like, what had happened? I'm hurt what had happened. I was short, question mark? I'm hurt. What had happened?

I was short, question mark. I was shot by a gun. Oh my God, go to the hospital. Already there. Why are you on Grindr? I'm looking for a long-term relationship. Dude, that's like a Groucho Marx joke. Holy shit, that's hilarious.

That is so funny. Sending it to my friends here's another one uh appropriate okay it says let's look at it i don't get why i think this is an appropriate eighth message i have the opposite issue it always rains when i'm working and i don't get to enjoy like i want to and then the other other person says, I fuck with rain as well, but I like clear skies on at least one of my day off days or something. They said, what do you like to get into on days you get both clear weather and schedule? I don't know what that means.

Just try and get outdoors and active. bro people are just so insane online the guy writes just try and get outdoors and active and then right after that he writes sometimes a massive pair of titties and the other person writes dude and then they write my bad lol they don't give a fuck dude

it's the least effort on these dating apps bro just try and get I mean dude wouldn't work you know wow good sins people are the worst huh I mean, dude, it wouldn't work, you know? Wow, good sends. People are the worst, huh?

Anyway, that's it, you guys. Have a good time. Go to my website, chrislee.com, to get some tickets. I'll be in your city. I add new cities all the time. And that's it. We're having a good time. Have a good one.

See you guys.