Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 373. Break The Cycle

Episode Date: April 4, 2024

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All right, welcome to episode three something something of congratulations uh grand rapids i'll be there soon grand rapids i'll be there soon. Grand Rapids, I'll be there on Thursday. Tonight, I guess. And then Saginaw, I'll be there on Saturday. Saginaw, which I didn't know was a place, but my dad was like, yeah, no, that's a place. And my uncle was like, yeah, that's a place, yeah. which I didn't know was a place but my dad was like yeah no that's a place or and my uncle was like yeah that's a place yeah uh Nanaimo BC Victoria Augusta North Charleston St. Petersburg oh Irvine I'm doing the Lifeline live one Chattanooga Tennessee Charleston West Virginia

Des Moines Iowa and Green Bay Wisconsin oh wait is there more no uh at chrysalia.com. Also, go get my special at chrysalia.com called Grow or Die. Support. Love it. And, you know, I went to a bunch of different places. Let's see. I went to, well, North Carolina.

Where was the place I went to? Not Raleigh, not Charlotte, not, oh, Durham. And then was in the other one, West, no, Virginia, Norfolk. Dude, I don't know where, I don't know, I guess. Norfolk is really nice. It's a huge military town. And then we did the, but before that I did Durham, which was cool. And my wife is from there, so we did the, but before that I did Durham, which was cool.

And my wife is from there. So we did that. But, you know, my wife just, it was me and her, no kids. And she hadn't been not around the kids, I don't think in a while. I don't even know if she's ever been not around the kids with Billy being born. Maybe she has. But, yeah, maybe she's ever been not around the kids uh with billy being born maybe maybe she has but yeah maybe she has but not with us dude when i leave and i go to and i go somewhere i miss the crap out of my family um but when i'm with her i really miss my kids because i'm like are they okay you You know? Could be doing anything.

Because we don't get anyone to watch them. So they're just kind of hanging around in the house. We put up like a kitty litter box. But no, we get someone to watch. Obviously, we have a nanny, but it was great. But it was, you know, my wife, when she's out, it doesn't matter what, she's like, this is an awesome vacation. I'm like, baby, it's not a vacation. She's like, no,'s out, it doesn't matter what she's like. This is an awesome vacation.

I'm like, baby, it's not a vacation. She's like, no, I know, I know. But it doesn't matter where we are. If she doesn't have the kids, it's a vacation. Target's a vacation if she goes. If she ends up going by herself, it's like having a Mai Tai on the beach. And I know moms can probably identify with this. But it's like

she can just she could get drafted in the army and go to Russia and have to fight and just be like, where my lady's at? With a Mai Tai out scoping, aiming. I'll just whatever.

Yeah, we got to flank them. Sure, but I'm so drunk, we have to flank, we have to flank them, but I'm drunk, woo, in the leg, oh my god, fucking, ouch, let's go, let's keep going, woo, that annoying one, that chick stew, woo, that annoying one that chicks do, that annoying one, dude, yeah, we could be, yeah, it doesn't matter, literally be trapped in the Congo, and she's just like, God, I'm thirsty, but still, no kids, so we were there, and look'm just gonna level with you she plays pokemon too much okay she's 32 she plays pokemon too much we got on the scooters and we were driving around in virginia with the scooters and she just goes i'm like come on she's like lagging and i'm like come on

and she's like babe i have to get a mood to i never got one now naturally i'm like what are you oh yeah the okay the pokemon thing she said but there's a raid i'm like all right i don't know what that is well other people are meeting up and i'm like oh no i gotta sit here wait on a lime scooter for my wife to get a mood to with other people that are i'm gonna have to meet you know? And so we're like waiting and I'm looking around like, where are the dorks? But then I'm like, I wouldn't know my wife was waiting for a mew too. So I'm like, they could be anybody. And I'm looking around and then I see this table of three dudes that look, look, and I'm just going to level with you. Okay. They look like they're on the spectrum and that's it. And I don't, you know what I mean? Like, I don't know if that sounds bad or what,

or if you're going to turn this off, but that's how they looked. You know, if I was writing a novel, that's how I would write. And alas, they looked like they were far over to one side of the spectrum or at least a little bit. And you would get it.

How about that? You would get it. So it's your fault too. And they're sitting around a table. And I swear one of them just says, ah, you must be Panda, to my wife. And my wife says, no, no, I'm actually KT Pokey Head, or whatever the heck it is.

She's like, okay, well, I guess we're still waiting for Panda. I don't know where Panda is, but we've got to get started pretty soon. We're going to have to defeat the Mewtwo and catch him and catch the Mewtwo. gonna have to defeat the Mewtwo and catch him and catch a Mewtwo so we sit there and she gets uh to attack in the Mewtwo and with the pokeballs with the three other dudes Panda Panda ended up showing up with her boyfriend and it was uh there were two people they were both attacking so there were two three four five six six people that defeated mutu that day and i was sitting waiting on my lime scooter probably the dorkiest of them all because i was on a lime scooter waiting hey chris what are you doing waiting for my girlfriend

actually wait for my girlfriend to capture me too so we can move so we can move on and look at the battleship it's a it's a it battleship. It's a military town. So she got the MUTU, and then we went to go look at the battleship, which I don't know, man. It's just like, you know, I guess the place should make money off of the battleship

because they parked it, and now it should be a tourist site. So there it is you know people just walk in and out of the battleships and stuff they got fucking battleships outside it's a little disconcerting you know i mean i know i'm not like mr americ american but it's weird when you look out of the hotel room and you just see fucking three battleships like i know i know i know it's history but also it's crazy in in uh it you know it's crazy because well speaking of history they found in a pyramid in Antarctica. Not in

Egypt. Antarctica. Which means we're dead. Which means we're dead. The more I hear stuff, the more I think that history just kind of... I feel like we

blew up the world and then started over again. I feel like we were really techn world and then started over again. I feel like we were really technologically savvy right around, you know, the year zero. Blew up and then, you know. Geologists at the German Research Center for Geosciences in Potsdam said the pyramid-shaped structures are located in the Ellsworth Mountains, which is a range more than 400 kilometers long. So it's no surprise there are rocky peaks popping out of the ice. I don't know.

They're beneath the ice. And they're trying to pretend like it's just something that happened. I guess that. A mountain poking out of the top of the ice and not a mysterious pyramid. Oh, look at the way they're saying it in this article. So the new location is just that.

A mountain poking out of the top of the ice in Antarctica and not a mysterious pyramid at all. Eh, trying to cover it up. Antarctica has been the subject of more than its fair share of speculation recently. After conspiracy theorist Eric Hecker described the Amundsen-Scott-South Pole Station by the South Pole as air traffic control hub

for aliens earlier this year. I'm trying to cover it up. Hecker claimed that in 2010, Raytheon, the U.S. Aerospace and Defense conglomerate, chose him to be a contractor on the research center operated by the United States National Science Foundation. There was much more, quote-unquote, to the station that met the eye, according to Hagler.

Trying to cover it up, shoot him. Take him out. Dude, I don't know why. You know what? Here's the thing. I know governments obviously take people out and stuff, but i kind of wish they would just take more people out i don't i i want i want them to get just you know i am a patriot so anytime someone speaks out or uncovers some documents or carries around a dossier even that's it last thing you hear and

they fall on the ground why isn't the government there's a popular there's too many people in our country. Hey, government, come on. Start off with some people. Loose lips belong six feet deep. That's my new one. It was Easter, and my sons dressed up nice. We were at my aunt's house. It was nice. Came back and saw so many posts on Instagram that was like, remember, Easter isn't just there for about bunnies. It's also means your God died for you. And it's like, yep, some morbid. Hey dude, can I

just eat some candy? I know. No, no, no. I know. I know I know I know but let me eat some juju bees and just chill no I get it I know Jesus was hung on the cross and they put nails in his wrists I get it nails in his ankles no no no I get it let me eat a Cadbury egg. All good. Let me search for some M&M's. Oh, found them. What? Your God died for you? All good.

Crunch ate the M&M's, you know? And I don't want to go to hell. But there probably is none. I just, you know, thanks, Instagram. Thanks for letting me know our God died for us. But also, let me eat some chocolate, Easter, huh, so it was Easter, and then Monday, we woke up, and then we did the Easter egg thing, because, man, we were jet lagged, I'm so, I know, I don't believe in jet lagness, but man, I'm tired, dude, I passed out at four o'clock today, passed out at four o'clock today and dude i heard dad dad and i just snapped back into it and my son was in my face and i was like

oh shit my son doesn't know this is rude as shit oh shit i can't get mad at him huh he's four he doesn't know it's rude as shit to wake someone up dead asleep. Dude, I was so asleep, it was like someone was about to do surgery on me. I was so asleep. Body goes, uh-uh. I got a good night's sleep.

Went to bed at midnight last night. Woke up at 9.30. Body goes, uh-uh, right around four o'clock. If you're not fucking or sleeping at 4 o'clock, you need to live your life to the point to where you could get to be either squirting or sleeping at 4 p.m. If you are, you win life, dude. You could either be a single person squirting,

married and squirting if your sons are grown up, or taking a little bit of a. If your sons are grown up or, you know, taking a little bit of a nap because your sons are running around, you got the live, you got the live. Um, so it's, um, it's great. It's great. We're great. We're good. And I'm just, It's great. It's great. We're great. We're good. And I'm just, you know, I'm 44.

It was my birthday last week. And it's crazy to think I'm 44. I think this is the oldest I've ever felt changing my age. Like the number 44 seems crazy to me. 40 seemed fine. 43 seemed fine. 30, 35 seemed fine 44 is crazy

44 is crazy I gotta get that colonoscopy cuz Gotta get that colonoscopy Gotta get that guy to put that thing in my bum See what's up Put them cameras up there Get the ROTC up there Get the ROTC up my anus dude

What's up What's up dude Flash it, flash it Lights dude? Flash it, flash it. Lights, lights. Flash it, flash it. Lights, lights. Up in my anus. Come on, let's do it.

You know, I don't know. I just got to... Life's quick, huh? What's up with Jeremy Fragrance? I imagine one of you of your name is Britney. Is it? No. Okay.

In any case, thank you. Thank you. This is the place where they shot the Britney Spears music video, Sometimes, here, the pier. And then a case. I imagine one of your name is Britney. Is it? No. Okay. In a case. I imagine one of your name is Britney. Is it? No.

Okay. In any case. Thank you. Thank you. This is the place where they shot the Britney Spears movie. In any case. Oh, it's not? Okay.

In any case. Just amazing. That guy's amazing. Everyone always sends me him. I've talked about him a bunch. In any case. Dude. Easter's.

How about, what's her name? Elizabeth Hurley on Easter. You ever see this one? Thanking God today that my nephew Miles is with us for Easter today. His wound is still oozing blood. is with us for Easter today. His wound is still oozing blood. Dude, social media fucking ruined everything, huh?

It fucked everything up, right? Can we just honestly say, you know, the first person who made fucking computer, they ruined everything? Can we just say the first person who made an AOL? The first person who heard, welcome, you've got mail, fucking ruined everything. Can we just say the first person who made an AOL, the first person who heard, welcome, you've got mail, fucking ruined everything.

The conk with the AIM. Cack when someone leaves. The little yellow dude running. Thank God today that my nephew miles is with us for Easter today. Today, twice in one sentence. Um, his wound is still oozing blood, but he's alive

and we're thankful. Oozing, dude. The knife men who stabbed him are still roaming around London. Perhaps around your loved ones. Happy Easter. Dude, oozing. Knife man. It's British. Thanking God today that my nephew Miles is with us for Easter today. His wound is still oozing blood, but he's alive and we're thankful. The knife men who stabbed him are still roaming around London, perhaps. Round your loved ones. Happy Easter, XX.

Also, kissing him like a boyfriend. All good. Elizabeth Hurley got to be crazy as shit, huh? Man, she was so, so hot in Austin Powers. You know? Why are people crazy, dude? Knife Men is great. If that's not a movie that Guy Ritchie directed in the next three years,

I'm going to put a bunch of M&Ms up my anus. There we go. No ditty. I'm doing it. Oh, I'm wearing my Kanye West shirt for you guys. I'll put it on. I worked out in it. Dude, I missed 10 days of working out.

No, nine days of working out. And I went and it was like I began all over again. Hey, look, let's talk about how much it sucks when you get sick and you stop working out and then you have to go somewhere and then come back. And it's been nine days and you come back and you can't push weight. I don't mean to complain to podcasts, but it's like, come on, dude. That's not cool. What's the point of working out then if I lose it that quickly?

It's not fair. I know I said that i don't believe in uh uh what do you call it jet lag but holy holy christ oh the chick such a woman move dude girl falls into la river trying to retrieve a phone that family member dropped. The family member was a dude too, probably. He was just like, oh, let it go.

Look at this. Look at these cops, rasting resources, you know? People are just getting murdered. Mom and pop shops getting shot, getting stole, getting, oh, she's got good grip. Getting just robbed and people getting shot. She's just like wait my tweet You know what if that happened to me leave me Leave me I

Got it. I'm fine. Just whizzing by I'm all good dude. Don't even worry about it I got it. I'm fine. Just whizzing by. I'm all good, dude. Don't even worry about it. It's going to be fine. Yeah, I might die.

Who cares, dude? I tried to get a phone. This is such a chick move. No, I'll get it. How do you... How do you... You know she voted to defund the police for real also the phone's broken you know what i mean what'd you it's all good just imagine floating whizzing by in that river

just thinking it's all good i just got to put it in rice as soon as I get it. Just, just. Oh, man, you know how mad I would be? Game tax. That's what you say when you drop your phone in the river. Game tax. Sweetie, stay there. Game tax.

I fucked up. Although they're so expensive, though, man. Phones. Oh, dude, fuck Apple, huh? Fuck them all for making that shit. Remember when we were just chilling and we didn't have to pay $1,000 for a phone? I know you don't. You can get a flip phone, but who gets a flip phone?

You know, you got to have fucking all the apps. My son the other day came up to me. He was like, hey, play Pac-Man on your phone. I was like, I don't have Pac-Man. He says, get an app. He's fucking four i'm like what the fuck is teaching you about this shit get an app get an app for pac-man like dude imagine growing up in a world where you just could have every everything at your fingertips you can now but back when i was a kid, I was born in 1980. There was outside, really. That's it.

There was outside. And then there was TV, which was probably weird enough for my parents growing up. But we had TV and then we had outside. And we went, we were outside a lot. We watched TV a bunch. I watched Batman and the Monkeys, dude. I watched when they redid the Adam West one, when they put it out there,

when they put it on after school, I'd tape them. I taped the, we had VHSs. And one time I wanted to watch a Michael Jackson concert and my dad said no. And I got so mad. I went to bed and I woke up and he had the VHS sitting there for me.

He was like, I taped it for you. That's it, dude. My son video, made a seven minute video on my wife's phone today and then watched it for seven minutes. And it was so boring. But like, imagine being able to do that. Imagine being able to just straight up. I mean, we can.

Matthew Hoban, you're going to be a dad. Happy birthday. Go to my page if you want to purchase a 10-word shout-out or add holler.baby slash Chris D'Elia. Let's do some of these here, Miss Connections. It's been a bit since we've done Miss Connections, honestly, and there's a few of them here just a few but i people still doing this huh like with all the shit out there tinder and hinge and the gay one they're still on craigslist just like sup you know here we go part-time personal assistant

part-time lover oh this guy's looking to get me too'd for sure um i'm looking for a woman part-time work at my office personal assistant and part-time a lover woman only dude god the internet just ruined everything huh this guy just is the bare minimum doing the bare minimum just being so lazy hey guy go out and try to get hey guy go out and try to get laid it's supposed to be hard you know if i could just let me just uh two birds two birds with one stone here, I do need an assistant, and I do like coming, I do need an assistant, and I sure love bending women over, you know, I could get a male assistant, and then a female lover, but it's like, you know, just can I, if I get them both in the same, it's's like cheaper and also probably less of a headache

number one I need my taxes done number two I need someone to go to the grocery store number three I certainly love splurting so it's the deal dude here's another one looking for a female who is into pegging gay or wants it i don't think it's gay actually it's that's a good question i i know i know black people think it's gay but uh like there's no black person on the planet that thinks that getting pegged by a woman isn't that thinks that getting pegged by a woman isn't sus, you know? And I am of the camp where I think you're gay if you want to sleep with a dude and you're a dude, and that's it. Really, that's it.

And then you do it. You can also not do it and still be gay. It's about the want in your head, you know? I mean, you can completely splurt. I don't know if you can splurt in a dude, but you could probably hook up with one and not be gay if you were like, I don't know. I was with a guy once talking.

It sounds no ditty, but this sounds, but I was with, and he was like, someone said, he said something suspect. And then another guy said, oh man, are you gay? And he was like someone said he said something suspect and then another guy said oh man are you gay and he was like no no am i now not gay i know that and we were like huh and he was like yep a hundred percent certain i'm not gay and we were like how the hell why do you react like that like why do you know because if you ask me if i'm gay i'll just be like no i'm not gay you know and it's like why are you gay he said because when i was younger i tried having sex with a man and i'm telling you not for me

and it's like that's an interesting point but also how'd you get to the point where you were naked you also how'd you get to the point where you were naked you know how'd you get to the point where you were kissing with a bone doggie how'd you get to that point not for you kind of for you you know kind of for you ah once i did it after i split it and I came out and walked myself off, I realized, you know what? Like, it's not fucking a Viggo Mortensen movie. It's gay sex. Yeah, I don't really like that actor.

Dude, you boned him. Gay. So I think you could probably do it and not be gay. But for all intents and purposes, you're gay if you do it, right? Like, you're not going to really convince anyone you're not gay if you do it so perception is reality you're gay and it's fine but um this one he says looking for a female who's in a peg so anyway i don't think it's i don't think it's gay if a female pegs you i don't think it's gay i've never done it myself uh not because i'm not gay just seems like it hurts also

why would you be doing that when you can be doing all the other fun stuff during sex so this is what it says looking for female who's into pegging or wants to try it out to take me to Gapplebee's disgusting how could you make it more disgusting dude Gapplebee's frat guy wrote it drunk

late at night frat guy wrote it drunk late at night takeat guy wrote it drunk right at dude they made a gapple bees classic man turn my black light on see if you can take me to gapple bees here's another guy doing the bare minimum the subject is starbucks white girl and then his body is let me take you to cancun absolutely doesn't give a fuck who he takes to cancun is so fucking pot-bellied and ugly you know crazy the internet's nuts dude anonymous sex you know people do that that's so crazy people do anonymous sex people do sex where you show up and they go, oh, you're a C. They go, I don't know. They go, oh, really?

Yeah, I don't know. But I set it up from the internet, so I guess we're fucking. And then chicks will, who is it? I don't know. Your dad died early. You know what I'm saying? Your dad died early. And that's okay.

And, you know, I know people say to me, hey, don't ho-shame or whatever. But also, let's face it, ho-shame. I know they say don't, oh, it's slut-shame, right? But also, and I get it, dude. Anyone can have as many partners as they want. But also, you let a lot of guys inside you. died that early and that's all i'm saying and it's sad but it's sad for you it's sad for me too i don't want you dad to die early but because of that you know you let a lot of guys enter you and that's all good it's not my

business but if you make it my business you gotta make fun of it you know and that's fine okay it's all good um because guys like to have sex with a lot of women and you know women try to shame them for it too i like i like the women that are like these guys are so shitty i'm 35 i made i made something out of myself and i'm not married and i'm looking for a man and i'm so pissed off i was you know i was listening to this woman say i'm so pissed off because all guys are going for like these 20 something year olds and it's like they're they're perverts for that and it's like okay well you know hey dude don't get upset at the guys just because you chose your life path you made a decision you made your bed lay in it you know i'm talking about you don't get to make us feel guilty. You made your bed, lay in it.

You want it to be a strong woman, hear you roar, roar. Great for you. Don't make me feel guilty. You made your bed, lay in it. You know what I'm talking about? It's just like, yeah, you can do anything you want in this world, but nobody wants to. Well, you can't do anything you want right can't

murder they'll get you i don't know how there's still serial killers i can't even understand how there's still serial killers it's absolutely it's and then i think about like the stuff because you know those things on the um what do you call it like there's so many crime documentaries and all that stuff and we watch all of them uh and we watch them and dude if i was a serial killer in this in 1978 hey dude hey i think i could kill 1,500 people. And I still don't think I'd get caught. People getting caught after eight people? Like, dude, Jeffrey Dahmer got caught?

Huh? Hey, John Wayne Gacy got caught? Huh? Hey, dude, nobody had cameras nobody had twitter nobody had nothing i could how do you get caught in the 80s how would you have gotten caught when i see movies where the police are like or documentaries where the police are like zeroing in on a suspect i'm like dude how i tell you what i think i could a thousand five hundred is a lot i think i could probably murder 40 to 50 people in 1980. And that's on God. Okay?

Now, I think if you spaced them out, not all at once, right? Not like a mass killing, you could maybe get three. Anyone who gets more than three is the most gangster killer of all. How do you avoid? How do you avoid?

Every cameras are everywhere. You ever seen that show, uh, Cino Evil? Or Cino, what is it? Doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, You know? Mary Eldridge turned 26. She took her extra babysitting money to go to, you know, and then disappear. And then they just, where the cameras are everywhere. Cameras are everywhere. They're on the outside of Vons, on the outside of ShopRite, they're on the inside of RadioShack. They're outside, you're down the street.

If you leave your house, keep walking in a few steps. You're getting filmed, dude. In 1980, I could have killed 40 to 50 people. In Gapplebee's. It's nuts, bro. They're clamping down on everybody, dude.

You could just go out there and say all the racial slurs back in the 80s and just do it. Fire them out there. And now you can't. And now we're filming stuff like this. Guy just screw driving into a car feet first. Guy just screw driving into... I mean...

Hey, dude, how do you practice this practice this also why is he jumping from a car oh that's so i'm not gonna lie that's so cool dude i i i i need to do that you start with convertibles all right make it a little easier and you just roll down the windows. Man, the fucking... How much would it hurt if you missed, though? Your dick would just fucking scrape off. I used to have a fantasy about driving and having to go to the bathroom. And then I would just roll down my window and as I'm driving, just pee,

but my pee stream would go enough up to go out of the window that i could just keep driving and peeing out the window without getting up and moving but you can't do that obviously and honestly i'll tell you this much i fill up so many water bottles when i go in the in the car i don't care you're getting jet lagged chris dude you're getting jet lagged chris we were in virginia and i go like this to the lady hey we sat down and we said because we didn't know where to go to get we wanted to get burgers and stuff and there were open seats at the restaurant but it was a bar too and there was like a live band live bands are so fucking annoying dude so loud and shit and i just want to eat you know and chill and they're just like do you remember my don't bother oh it's september whatever and um we're at the bar

and we're like hey where do we can we order some food they're like yeah just grab a seat anywhere we grab a seat anywhere nobody's waiting on us waitress walks by said excuse me can we get uh order she's like well i'm just i'm really busy and i'm like oh okay well they told us to sit down and they're like yeah but it says reserved so that's why we put that out there because it's really busy and i'm like oh okay so can you help us and she just walked away dude when i tell you, when I tell you, I mean, that's, I want it to just be like, hey, man, when I go on stage, I kill it. I do my job. I get this isn't your dream job, but please kill your job. Kill your job.

Yeah, dude. yeah dude this guy I love why do I love guys like this though by the way wearing a double-breasted suit with a turtleneck is just I mean I'm trying to think of like somebody I don't want to be around more and I don't think I can. Maybe like a smelly grunge person. A wise man once said bees don't waste their time. Fake Italian.

Bees don't waste their time. Explaining to flies that honey is better than shit. Shit! I mean explaining to flies that honey is better than shit shit i mean too long of a shot too long it was over you know dude where's he coming from what store is that a fucking is that a claire's dude this guy is on how do you set shit like that this is what i don't understand okay i'm gonna come out and declares you stand right here i'm gonna talk about the bees and honey and shit and you know when to cut let it go if it if you're not sure let it go for a while i'll edit the wise man once said let's break this quote down bees don't waste their time explaining to flies

that honey is better than shit honey is better than shit bees hey hey listen fly let's just break this down hey listen fly okay look honey is yeah no no this is a this is one of the stupidest things I've ever heard in my life. Because I don't like sayings, dude. I don't like quotes. You know, everyone... There's so... This is... There's so many ways to say this.

And just because some guy says it in a fucking purple velour or purple corduroy, double-breasted suit with a cashmere turtleneck under it. Who is this guy? Fabrizio Brienza. Fabrizio Brienza. Let's see what else he says. In the rain. When you focus on you, you grow.

When you focus on shit, shit grows. Always has to be involving shit, dude. You know? How are we going to... No, I like that idea, but how are we going to involve shit? I mean... When you focus on you, you grow. When you focus on shit shit grows nailed it wearing what Cameron wore I mean when do you cut dude why does it take so long let's see let's see more these are great this guy's great You cannot make everybody happy.

You're not an ice cream truck. Ah! Dude! I gotta start dressing like this. You cannot make everybody happy. You're not an ice cream truck this guy is says stuff that would be on his shirt on venice boulevard that you could buy for like you know three of them for five bucks dude that's such a stupid fucking you cannot make a nice you cannot make everybody happy you know the nice cream truck oh my god dude this guy's a guy got gold mine huh this is one this is the first one this is the second one here put it in the chat um

fabricio it oh the outfit dick tr Oh, the outfit. Dick Tracy character. The outfit. If you want to keep your man, make sure his belly's full and his balls are empty. So fucking stupid, dude. That's so gross, you know? He has a mink coat.

He's wearing what my mom wore in 1992. And the guy, dude, this guy, honestly, Sharon Stone is wearing that exact outfit. Somebody writes, real fur, unfollowed. A, unfollowed for different reasons. I knew this guy was going to be one of those guys too. One of those guys where the caption is exactly what he says in the video. That's so funny. Walk so far.

What's with all these outfits? You know what would be so funny? Is if this guy was not real, not for real, and at the end of everyone, he tripped really fucking hard, and it cut right as he was tripping. If you want to keep your man, make sure his belly is full and his balls are empty. God, that's gross, dude.

Make sure your man's balls are empty. God, that's gross, dude. My balls... Make sure your man's balls are empty. It's so gross, dude. Be careful who you trust. Even the devil was an angel once. Oh, yeah, dude. Come on, man. A Guy Ritchie movie. be careful who you trust careful even the devil was an angel once be careful dude that is so stupid venice boulevard five five dollar five dollars for

three shirts these are great. The littlest cup. A cape. Coffee isn't enough for me anymore. I need to be struck by lightning. Would die. God, dude. would die god dude i mean yo social media really fucked everything up huh like this guy this guy used to be a guy that you just see somewhere and you'd be like, fuck does this guy think he is? And now because the internet, he's got 277,000 followers.

He's actually someone. Fuck. You know what ruined it all? The Jersey Shore. Remember they were the reality show. They all were terrible people and we glorified it. And now Fabrizio, dude,

Jersey Shore walked. So Fabrizio Brianza could fly fuck this dude oh he's got a chick in this one I mean dude oh he's wearing a leopard top and camouflage pants the guy's so confused if he's hunting or being or being hunted she said i heard your player nice to meet you i'm the coach oh had it set up locked and loaded assault assault oh god always in the same place you know outside of his fucking dusty ass apartment dude this guy's awesome

he's had sex with six women you know oh here we go i can watch this guy nothing said nothing this time that's how it should be honestly here we go oh that's just a picture oh i'm an idiot you, that's just a picture. Oh, I'm an idiot, you know. That's just a picture. Oh, wow. Here we go.

There's one with somebody on it that's ripped. European rich kid gets an Italian workout. Let's go work out. Who let this guy up here, bro? What the hell is going on here? You think you know anything about working out? 50 gonna fuck each other gonna fuck Come on, baby. This is my watch. This is my watch now. This is my watch now.

Give me 50, Dad. This is the worst acting I've ever seen in my life. It's on my wrist. I mock you any day, baby. Look, I mock you any day. Okay. It's just a warm-up. Now we're going to the gym. up yeah i mean let's go come on why do i have to take off my shirt every time i walk out because i need to see the gates

oh god this you know honestly i liked it better when he just walks up to the camera and says stuff that stuff makes me here we go here's let's end on this one knowledge isn't for free you have to pay attention i get it on venice boulevard three shirts for five bucks that's so bad dude knowledge isn't free you have to pay well you actually have to pay tuition you go to go to college honestly oh my gosh hey lizzo quit what the fuck she's not gonna she's not gonna stay quit she's gonna do that jay-z quit when when jay-z said he was gonna quit at 33 never quit did never worked harder after that too short said he would quit worked way harder after that

lizzo not gonna quit guarantee she's back she's just going through an emotional time dude she's gonna quit and then come back and everyone's gonna be like oh yeah see we need her see see we see she's such a good person even though you know apparently she's being i was exposed as a bad person shakira is sounding off on the barbie movie saying that its message of ultra feminism and female empowerment is misguided and comes at the expense of men oh dude shakira shakira um her hips don't lie in her mouth doesn't either honestly the singer talked to allure about the flick and she was brutally honest about how she and her kids two boys specifically felt about it

and despite the overwhelming praise the movie got last year, Shakira says she and her brood weren't all impressed. Oh, dude, of course, dude. Of course. It's so American to like this movie. That's why. I didn't see it. I got to see it.

She says, my sons absolutely hated it. Natch. They felt it was emasculating. Natch. And I agree to a certain extent. Natch. Shakira, Shakira. Dude, and they're like eight the kids i'm raising two boys

i want to be for powerful too while respecting women i like pop culture when it comes to empower women without robbing men of their possibility to be men and also protect and provide yep yep like the guy from fucking storage wars yep words yep it's just like dude i i you know like you got to watch the equalizer with fucking uh uh what no her what's her name the tv show queen latifah equalizer she looks like a librarian she's 50 can't do what dude denzel kit it's hard enough to bite denzel doing it at least you know he's been doing those roles forever queen latifah come on dude she did a movie with steve martin for fuck's sake it's so insane hollywood is so insane the agenda is so silly it's so silly

I count the minutes before a gay couple comes on I count the minutes before a gay couple comes on when I start a new series I don't get past 11 minutes and here's the thing dude if you want to have a gay couple in the show that's cool, make it good

but it's like when it's every show and then god I sound like an old guy. Okay, that's it. I'm old. You know what? How about that? I am old. And you know what?

That's okay. It's okay to be old. When people are like, oh, dude, you're an old person. Not me, but anybody. Oh, yeah, you're old. You're old. What do you know? Dude, some people die before that.

Fuck yeah, making it. 44 making it, dude. I don't even know. I saw the movie, what's it called, with the hand? What's the movie with the hand, the horror movie now? Horror movie with the hand on the poster. It's called like Talk to Me or something. Yeah, Talk to Me.

I didn't know. Everybody was androgynous. I didn't know lead character. It was a male or a female. I don't know. It's crazy, dude, but whatever. Somebody's somebody's going to hit the red button soon so it's okay Kanye West is tired of being referred to by his slave name wants to be called this this is so 90s to say shit like this you know to just be like that's my slave name

in a recent statement the Chicago River made it clear that he no longer wants to be kanye west and how he has gone all ditty with his name so controversial um tired of his name who tired of the disrespect from everyone who calls himself kanye west so he's because he's yay right and he says um yannopoulos made it known that his boss milo yannopoulos i guess works for kanye his boss is tired of people calling him by his born slave name and wants stores union streamers and streamers like you can control that and lyric websites to squarely refer to him as yay yay yay started um kanye west pays 200k a month for child support that's crazy isn't she's way rich no she might be richer than him at this point after he said all that stuff about Jewish people.

That's crazy. $200,000 a month in child support when not neither of them. That doesn't change their lives at all. You know, he's the same. She's the same. $200,000. Damn. change their lives at all you know he's the same she's the same two hundred thousand dollars damn that is so crazy we need to uh we need to get that going we need to get i need to get two

hundred thousand dollars a month from kanye for child for my child support yeah he's one of the most recognizable people in the world on par with presidents and popes thousand dollars a month from Kanye for my child support. Yeah, he's one of the most recognizable people in the world on par with presidents and popes. He didn't take the decision to change his name. He didn't take, potentially sacrificing some of the immense value captured by the brand Kanye West lightly. The change made fully, legally, and permanently. This is who he is now. His name is Ye. Y-A-Y. Well, now nobody's going to do it.

Well, Milo Yiannopoulos worked for him. I didn't know that. What does he do? Chief of staff. I need to get a chief of staff, dude. Who would be my chief of staff? Calvin. um who would be my chief of staff calvin why do rappers keep changing their names who gives we don't give a fuck you know puff daddy p diddy diddy prince part is rapper but hardly for me to notice prince uh kanye west yay who cares I'm changing mine

I'll come back to you next week I'll come up with a different name you know what I'm changing mine to yay that's what I'm changing mine to we're both going to be yay you know we're both named yay

that's what I'm going to say when I see him KDot changed his name to Kendrick Lamar Most Def changed his name to Yasmeen Bae Common Sense changed his name to Kendrick Lamar. Most Def changed his name to Yasmeen Bae. Common Sense changed his name to Common. Titty Boy changed his name to 2 Chainz. You know, both weren't his name, okay? So...

And then Snoop Doggy Dog... Snoop Dogg changed it to Snoop Doggy Dog, changed it to Snoop Lion, and then Snoopzilla. Hey, guy, dude. Nobody knows what you're doing anymore. Nobody calls you Snoopzilla. Hey, guy, dude. Nobody knows what you're doing anymore. Nobody calls you Snoopzilla. Anyway, all right.

Well, there you go. There you have it. That's it for YouTube. If you want to catch the rest of the episode, go on over to Patreon, patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. And we appreciate you.