Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 374. The History of Dookie

Episode Date: April 11, 2024

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runk Augusta Georgia North Charleston South Carolina St. Petersburg Chattanooga Charleston

West Virginia Des Moines Green Bay I'll be there and Nanaimo and Victoria, BC go to chrislea.com to get tickets

and get my special if you haven't yet already at chrislea.com and there's merch there's over there there's all sorts of stuff. But other than that, let's get ready for this next episode of Congratulations. It feels like I haven't done this show in six months.

And I don't know why. And that's very weird. It really does feel like that. It feels like it's been a long time for you guys. So hello. Hello and welcome to the whatever episode it is and all that. Did you see the eclipse today? We're recording.

It was the eclipse or it was yesterday. I don't know. I don't, I don't know. And it doesn't matter because it, because I was in LA and didn't see and didn't see shit and didn't see it because didn't affect it. Right. Everyone gets really nutty and they go like this. Hey, you're, you're not going to see this for the rest of your lives. And I think, that's okay. You know, it's okay. You know why it's okay? Because I was in Saginaw, Michigan the other day, and that was a great, great place to perform. It might possibly be the worst place I've ever been to in my life, but there is, I went to a mall that looked like it

would be where the apocalypse started, okay? And that looked like it would be where the apocalypse started, okay? And it looked like it would be where the outbreak just burst into the zombie attack. And that's where it started, right? Like a monkey got loose and bit someone and then the person bit two other people. And then it was just off at like a shoe store in Saginaw and I went to I walked around uh by the way I was in Saginaw so was Shane Gillis Shane Gillis was there two nights I was there one night I was there on night when he was performing as well I don't know how he stayed there in two day in two day for two days I stayed there one day and it was I mean the nicest hotel there is the Residence Inn,

which is, you know, fine. I'm, you know, it's all good, whatever, hotel's a hotel. I don't need my hotel with like a full kitchen in it though, right? You know, it's kind of a, when you get into the hotel and you see a full kitchen, you're like, oh, this is kind of, okay, people live here. People actually live in these places. Residence Inn. You're not fooling anyone with the word inn after residence. Residence mean you live there. So, you know, so it'd be like calling it Apartments Hotel.

It's apartments. tell it's apartments anyway um i was in saginaw and i was uh uh the reason why i know about the eclipse doesn't matter is because i was in saginaw how's this went to a mall now the mall had five shoe stores and zero other things okay because it's a mall in the middle of the country and that's what malls have they just have like two foot lockers one journeys and a place called like uh snipes which is what it is that's like the biggest shoe shoe store chain in in uh michigan and so i went there there were only shoe stores and also nothing else there was a food court um the food court had three things in it it had one uh pizza place then at a sushi place no thank you in the middle of the country and in a broken down mall and then the third place they had was a chicken place that was called make them say something okay now wow all right so this is where the apocalypse will start right the zombie apocalypse

or the outbreak apocalypse or whatever it is so i was in this mall and as i'm in this mall i think you know what dude this is crazy i came here but it was the only thing to do i wanted to see if there was a coffee place here there wasn't't. Know why? Because there were only four shoe stores, two restaurants, and then make them say something chicken. So, and I have a feeling the thing that it made them say was yuck, okay? Or ill, by the way. So, now I'm in the mall and there's nothing to do i say what are we doing let's let's leave this mall we leave the mall as we're leaving the mall i get hit with this um i get hit with this feeling this almost this like this dread sadness kind of feeling. And I say to my two friends, my tour manager and feature for the weekend, Jason Collings, I say, dude, do you ever think about this thing? I just stepped out

of that mall. You ever think about this kind of stuff? I'm never for as long as I live going to ever go back into that mall. I will never my whole life set foot back into that mall. And I think about that stuff kind of all the time. And Jason says, dude, I think about that stuff too. And my tour manager Enrique says, maybe I'll go back. Okay. And I said, well, I think you're missing the point and also no, you won't. So what do you, what's the situation where you might have to go back to that mall? And he said, well, I think you're missing the point. And also, no, you won't. So what's the situation where you might have to go back to that mall? And he says, I travel. I'm a tour manager. Maybe I'll come back with somebody.

Maybe we'll come back. Maybe I'll come back with someone else. Maybe I'll be like, oh, I'm in Saginaw. Maybe I need a new pair of shoes. Maybe I'll go to the mall. They have four places. So whatever. My point is, I'm never going to go back to that mall ever.

Okay. I'll never step foot back in that mall again. And if somebody were to tell me before I went into that mall, Hey, this is the last time you're ever going to go in that mall. I might have some sort of anxiety about it. I might be like, wow, really? I may, I better take this mall in At least a little bit Right? Now I didn't Because I didn't think about it Because I For all I knew

The mall was gonna be Just totally awesome Okay? There was gonna be a cool You know Coffee place And maybe A good shoe store

And who knows Maybe there was gonna be like a You know A cool like Store with clothing That had also like Asian toys in it. You know those?

There's those at the mall. So I didn't know that and I left the mall. And then that's when I thought of it. And I know I'm never going to step in that mall again. And that's basically the feeling that you get when someone tells you that there's going to be an eclipse and it's the last time in your life you're ever going to be able to see this. So don't miss it. And all you see is shade over sun. All you see is shade. Basically what you see is nothing. You see the moon over the sun, but it blocks the sun. So you see nothing.

So it makes you think, well, I got to see that. I'm never going to see it again. And then you look at it and you, by the way, you're not even supposed to look at it. Even with the glasses, you're supposed to kind of look to the side. So you don't actually look at it. They make you feel all this anxiety. And then you look at it and it was what it was. Guess what? I didn't look at it. And guess what? It also happened four years ago. I don't like when people say it's the only time. What's with the memories? You don't remember there was an eclipse like four or five years ago? There's going to be another one.

And also, there's going to be more eclipses than I'm going to go to that Saginaw Mall in my life. So I don't even have to feel that anxious about it. Now, granted, an eclipse is cooler than seeing the mall in Saginaw, I guess. But I'm not doing either ever again. How about that? And as a matter of fact, I've only done one. I've only gone to the mall in Saginaw and not seen an eclipse. And that's how I know and that's how I make it feel okay

and justify it in my head that it's okay I didn't see the eclipse. Next topic. see the eclipse next topic um i had a guy i had good shows man the shows in saginaw one of the top five shows maybe maybe on tour um so fun and uh and it was amazing uh the people there need to move you know it's just crazy. I was on stage. The last time I was on stage, two weeks ago, Kristen came with me,

and she literally was like, why don't you, because it was during the basketball game that people, it was the men, the basketball game, the men's one, not the Kristen, Caitlin Clark one,

whatever. By the way, I'm so happy that's over let's get into that later um uh college basketball women um nc state played and they played other carolina or something i don't know and it was i was in raleigh so Kristen was like did the game's gonna be while you're doing the show now I the show was great I had already sold the ticket so I'm like okay it's gonna be okay it's not like they're gonna not come to the show because they're gonna go I mean maybe they are but they already bought their tickets right so I'm okay anyway showed up had a great show but she was like you know what you should do? Now, this is why I think that maybe deep down, either nobody ever knows anyone

or people don't give a shit about you as much as they care about themselves, okay? It's one or the other. And I keep getting reminded about this in life or reminded about this in life. One time I was at the coffee bean and tea leaf and I made friends with a guy. He was a stunt guy.

He looked like a little ferret, but he was stock okay super nice to everyone annoyingly so one of those guys where you wouldn't be surprised if he was religious as shit and he wasn't we talk all the time i mean i go to this coffee place for years and i've talked about this guy on my podcast probably in the first 10 episodes and we were talking three years talking almost every day I'd see this dude barring Thanksgiving and Christmas you know and all the other ones one day he's reading a book and I don't remember what the book was but but let's just say it was, let's say it was, let's say it was the history of Dookie. Because you know why? It doesn't matter what it actually was. I would have read it just like I would have read the history of Dookie.

All right? I would have never read it. Meaning, okay, I'm not interested in reading the history of Dookie and I'm not interested in reading whatever it was he was reading. So he starts telling me about the book, which by the way, I'm fine with. And why am I fine with that? I am fine with, I am fine with someone telling me about a book they read or are reading because I like when people are really into something and want to share that with me. It could be about the history of Dookie. If you are passionate about the history of Dookie and you want to sit down and have a conversation with somebody, dude, I'm not

bullshitting. I'm your man. I'll sit down and we can only talk about the history of Dookie. And I'm serious. I'm serious. My friends know my word. I guarantee I don't care and we can only talk about the history of Dookie. And I'm serious. I am serious. My friends know. Mark my word. I guarantee. I don't care. You can talk about quilt making. I don't care.

If you're into it and passionate about it, I'll talk about it with you. That doesn't mean I want to read the history of Dookie. Okay? So whatever this guy's reading, which is the equivalent to the history of dookie he starts telling me about it now i'm all ears because i'm like okay cool i want to know about this guy and then he tops it off the cherry is you should get this book you should get this book. You should get this book and read it. And I said, oh, I don't know. And he said, you know what? I think you'd love it.

Hey, what are we doing? What are you doing, Chris? I'm washing my hands of this dude because why well he doesn't know me right he doesn't even think about he he knows all the time. And this dude isn't not only going to tell me I should read the book, which if he just said you should read the book, maybe, maybe that would be okay. But he had to follow it up with, I think you'd like it. it up with, I think you'd like it. Now I've talked to this guy a maximum 600 days. Okay. It's been three years. Let's level it out at 200 days a year. So after all of that, you say, I think you'd like it. Well then guess what Chris Talia does. or in one of those Dyson ones one of these ones that don't work you don't know me dude

or you don't give a shit about me or you're pushing your agenda on me anyway and both are bad so my wife and i don't mean that as a bored impression. It did sound like a bored impression. If you're still doing a bored impression in 2024, you got to take a hike for real. My wife,

it's a really easy impression that everyone can do. And it's one of those ones that you just, they should have wrapped that up the day after it came out. Right? So, my wife says to me, the basketball game's on when you're on stage. You know what you should do? He leans in.

Yes, doubtful, but there's hope. She says, you should give updates that include the scores of the basketball games during your show. Now I'm just like, nice to meet you. I'm just like, nice to meet you. And she said, well, I know that you don't care, but it would be fun for the people in the audience because it's in this city. The two towns in this state are playing and they're not at the game and they are at your show

so you should do it because of that reason nam just like nice to meet you you know and i and she says yeah but i know you wouldn't normally want to but i think and i say sweetie doll it's so nice to meet you know each other because you know because here's the deal my wife someone who's been been down right or my angel my you know what my homie my fucking homie dude i mean i'll put on some scarface in the car and listen to that with her and just roll i mean my homie dude I mean, my homie dude knows that not only am I not going to do that, I'm hella not going to do that. So it's a little bit like pay attention. And look, I do it too. I probably, I do it.

My wife would argue I do it the. I probably, I do it. My wife would argue. I do it the most. I make people like stuff, but I am a cult leader. It's different. You know, um, the updates and NC state game, you know, I'd have to Google it. I'm like, babe, where would I, how would I do this? In the middle of what bits in the, in the middle of state game you know i'd have to google it i'm like babe where would i how would i do this in the middle of what bits in the in the middle of my you know trans material and uh and talking about going to rehab or in the middle of what oh by the way yeah by the way they're up six and see the the game cocks are up six or whatever and then then now, by the way, there's a team called the Gamecocks, you know? Change it. So the Caitlin Clark thing is just out of control.

I guess she's good at shooting, and I go like this. Next. And that's fine, and that's good. And you know what? Here's the thing. It's nice when people are good at what they do. I love when people are good at what they do. And if they're good at what they do, then that's great.

But I turned it on for a little bit. And they play like children. Okay? They're not as good as the best players who are the NBA. They're not even as, I mean, are they, I mean, you watch some of these female basketball players, dude, and everyone's like, and look, and she is great. And look, you could say she's great for that league.

And yeah, okay. LeBron James technically is great for his league, but that's the best league. okay, LeBron James technically is great for his league, but that's the best league. There is something to be said about watching somebody who can inspire a bunch of people. And that I get, no matter what league you're in. You can be in Little League, right?

I could be at one of my son's T-ball games, and I can watch that. And of course, they're not playing at the same level as Tim Salmon and John Crook, right? But they're still, they can inspire each other, right? Even if they're not my kids, right? My kids, I want to watch my kids play basketball. But it's like, you know, yeah, they're not playing at the level of Darren Dalton, John Allred. But they're still inspiring at the level of of Darren Dalton John Allred but they're still

inspiring each other right they're not playing the the same level as Joe Carter and Fred McGriff but they're still inspiring each other right like they're not playing the same level as as Tony Gwynn and Andy Bennis but they're still inspiring each other right like they're not they're not playing uh the the same level as Howard Johnson and Donald? Like they're not, they're not playing the same level as Howard Johnson and Donald Strawberry, but they're still inspiring each other, right? Right? Like they're not playing the same level as Don Mattingly and Hensley Mullins, but they're still inspiring each other, right? Right? Like they're not playing the same level as Ricky Henderson and Jose Canseco. My friend thought it was Joe's Canseco, but they're still inspiring each other, right? Right?

Like they're not playing the same level as Dave Henderson or Mark McGuire, but they're still inspiring. Not playing similar to Todd zeal and Chris Sable, but they're still inspiring each other. Right? Right. Like that's probably the same level as Al leader and Dennis Eckerson, but they're still inspiring each other.

Right? Like they're not playing the same level as fucking David Cohn and Mookie Wilson, but they're still inspiring each other, right? Like, they're not playing the same level as fucking David Cohn and Mookie Wilson, but they're still spiring each other, right? Like, they're not playing the same level as Ozzie Smith and Oil Camp Boy, but they're still spiring each other, right? Like, they're not playing the same level as Barry Larkin

and fucking Cal Ripken Jr., but they're still spiring each other, right? Like, they don't have 69 wins in a row, like fucking Oral Hershiser, or they don't play as well as Kevin Puckett, but they're still inspiring each other, right? Dude, he's still going. They're not playing at the same level as Kevin Puckett Jr.

or Kevin Mitchell, but they're still inspiring each other. Dude, he keeps he's a 90s kid he's an 80s 90s kid and he doesn't know sports but he did but he did dude so when you come at me with oh yeah but caitlin clark she actually has a killer crossover i say no and you say that's not cool but the the kid knows sports yeah so it's like if my son's playing, yeah, he's not playing at the same level as Gary Carter and Todd Zeal, but he's still inspiring each other. Did I say Todd Zeal already? I may have. I may have.

Did I? Did he double up? If he doubled up, okay, I'm sorry, but that was the last one. But dude, who, what other comedian could do that? What other person can do that? Vin Scully with his, remember he tweeted his fucking picture of his eye? He's dead.

Dude, imagine if I announced a baseball game. But anyway, so you got to watch this Caitlin Clark woman play basketball and she's good. She's the best in her league, whatever. She lost against the Gamecocks. Don't call the team the game cocks right uh it's it's it's like calling a team chess schlong but you know uh and the chess schlong uh so my buddy's trying to get me to watch it And I don't watch it

And that's really it Honestly So I go I'm working out You know me right I worked out three times this week I couldn't get to a fourth I just couldn't man

You know If I only work out three days a week I get I get I get all bunched up And then I just want to quit But I'm going to go tomorrow and that's fine. And I was on the road and it was hard to do it in Saginaw because of the dread.

But I was at the gym before I even went to the road. And I'm in my locker room. And I'm in my locker room. Not mine. I'm in the gym locker room. And, dude, I'm getting changed. I see someone walk in with a grocery bag. Now, look. Not only is this the world, but this is LA.

And there's everything in the world. You know? There is. Like, there's a guy drinking out of a coconut right now. You know what I'm talking about? There's a boy on a carpet pretending it's flying around right now. Right now. There's 8 billion people, right?

Okay? There's somebody, even though you thought these were closed, there's somebody somewhere at a Fry's electronic. They're there. You thought they all closed down, but there's that many people somebody's eating funyuns watching wrestling there's probably many people eating funyuns watching wrestling but my point is a guy carrying a grocery bag in a locker room isn't that far-fetched in the world let alone la because la is the macrocosm to the microcosm of the world. And I

know that sounds backwards, but it's not right. Cause like you take somebody who's somewhat themselves and they move to LA, they become major themselves. Okay. So he's carrying a grocery bag and he's walking around in regular clothes. And I'm just like, well, that's kind of weird, but it's LA, but it's kind of weird, but it la but it's kind of but it's the world and it's also la right there's eight billion people here so why aren't why wouldn't i be in the locker room witnessing a guy carrying a grocery bag you know i'm saying like like a lot of times people will stop me on the street and they'll be like hey chris leo what the heck and i'll just look at him and say I gotta be somewhere and I'm right I'm somewhere and they just saw me so I am now uh in that mindset I'm like oh you know what this has to happen somewhere it's happening right now the guy looks at the receipt on the bag and says, Craig, it's Postmates.

It's Postmates or Uber Eats. It's DoorDash. It's delivery. Hey, where's the worst place to have food? In a locker room with a bunch of schlongs out. Hey, dude, in the directions. Yeah, I'm at the gym. What you're going to want to do is give them this membership code come up i'm in the men's locker room hopefully you're a dude otherwise you can't get in anyway thanks for the asparagus and chicken dude and it was delivered to a guy in my locker room the locker room this gym is nuts though la is crazy i saw a dude in there in that same gym once with a tank top on working out eating chicken

with his hands like a fucking naughty king like seriously eating chicken off the bone, not pieces, like, like the wings, like the wings part, like the worst part to do it, you know? And with another dude just talking in front of the weights. That was crazy. That was crazy. And you're probably like, what kind of guy would do that? Think about it. Whoever you have in your head, that's who, because that's so the obvious guy who would do that. Crazy to get Uber Eats ordered anywhere but an establishment

that you kind of either own or work there. Like to just be... I ordered Postmates the other day. I ordered an Earth Bar Shake. Talk about LA. I got the protein, what is it called? Not the protein, the workout.

What the hell is it called? I either get the Great Morning Breakfast Shake, which sounds weird, but it's good. Or the, what the hell is the Earth Bar Shake called? which sounds weird, but it's good. And, or the, uh, what the hell's the earth bar shake called? Hold on. Let me look it up. Earth bar. What? Oh, earth. I put it on there. Earth bar shake. What the hell is it called? What do I muscle up? That's what it is. I get that. Cause I'm a sucker. And I think it's probably good for my muscles. I order only that. Okay. I tip the person like $10. It's going to be 20 bucks to get it delivered to my house.

Now. Yes, Chris, what the fuck? Why couldn't you go get it for $5 yourself? And the answer is because I don't wanna. Right. So they came. So, so dude, do you do the thing where you watch them show up? This is crazy because my wife will order Uber Eats and then just at some point go to the front door.

Like there's no, food's here. Like she waits too long and then goes and gets it. And it is maddening because i'm hungry too but she'll be like i'll order it she orders it just throws her phone it goes like it like goes down a waterfall and she's just like it'll be here she doesn't give a fuck and then i'm like hey when's the food gonna be here and she's like i don't know this is why you i didn't you look at it here and i'm like hey when's the food gonna be here and she's like I don't know this is why you I didn't you look at it here and I'm like well you ordered it she's like well get find my phone and I'm like this is has not what so I track the motherfucker right I'm like Bear Grylls. When somebody orders, when I order a shake from

Earth Bar, if I'm getting whatever it is, a burger from a nice gourmet place, I might as well be dropped into the middle of the tundra with nothing. And my name is Bear Grylls because I am tracking the dude getting my shit. Guess what? If they switch drivers. I'm already well aware. If you switch drivers from Otis to Nantuck. Or whatever the fuck their names are. Oh I know.

I know Otis was first. And I watch, and I even know when the service cuts out for them, because it glitches. They stop for a little bit. A normal person, a plebeian, a rookie's eye might see that and be like, why did they stop in the middle of O? And then, boom, they're way ahead, and they're way ahead, because their service cut out, because I live in the hills, all right? And I know this.

I see the car coming up the street. It's about three or four, well, no. It's about six blocks away. way. Now, look, when you live not in New York, six blocks may as well be 90 miles. You're not walking it. It's crazy to do that. In New York, for some reason, it doesn't matter. In New York, you could just walk from Tribeca to Harlem and be like, you guys want to keep going? I don't know why they do that, but they do that. And you'll do that there too. For some reason, you and be like, you guys want to keep going? I don't know why they do that, but they do that. And you'll do that there too. For some reason, you're just like, ah, this is what you do in New York.

But if you walk more than five blocks in LA, you are a lunatic. Okay? So it's six blocks away. I'm watching it. And then it says, rate your order. And I go, huh, that's crazy because I'm watching, I'm watching where they stopped and I am where I live and both of those places aren't one in the same.

So, God, what you doing? Whoever's the all-knower, all-seer, what's going on? And then the app just kind of, you know, stops doing what the app does. So I go, oh, no. And I walk downstairs to the front door. I open it up, and guess what's there?

A doormat. Guess what else is there? A case of Arrowhead water bottles that I didn't bring up yet. And guess what else is there? Um, one of my wife's little statue things that, uh, is like a, it's like a little boy with a fucking hat on. Guess, guess what else is there? guess what else is there? Nothing. Huh? But my food's delivered.

And I am where I live. Hey, dude, two things are for sure. If my food is delivered and I am where I live, I'm going to have a mouth full of shit in about four minutes. But what the heck? The only thing in front of my door is a doormat, my wife's little statue, and the Arrowhead bottle waters that I didn't bring up yet. So God, what you doing?

I go on the app. And you know how they can send it like they, they take a picture of where the food is that they deliver. Well, I looked at that picture and guess what was on that picture? My food. And guess what was behind my food? Nothing I've ever seen before. food. Nothing I've ever seen before. Nothing I have ever laid eyes on before. The door, the ground, where the door meets the ground. There was a little branch that was coming into the frame that I had never seen. And there that earth bar bag was. So I go out loud. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I clicked the thing to call the person. Now, what does that do? It doesn't call the person. What it does is it says, Hey, pick up the phone. When it rings, we'll connect you to the person that dropped off your food. I don't want it to be that way.

I want the person's fucking cell phone number as soon as they deliver it, especially if it's six blocks away. But instead, I'm waiting for the call. Ring, ring. I pick up. Hello. Heated. Guess what I'm talking to? Another phone ring.

I'm not talking. Hello. guess what i'm talking to another phone ring ring i'm not talking hello and it's always if you do this with postmates or uber eats it's always somebody that answers the phone with an attitude of like hey who is this and it's like there's a 90 chance it's me hello hi yeah hi this is always me did you you uh drop the uh food off did you drop the food what yeah um you know tremis or whatever the fuck their names are uh did you drop the did you drop the food off you dropped the food off but it wasn't at the actual place i looked at the

picture and there was a doorway i've never seen before so the lady says i did like how do you how do you not like how do you control yourself in that situation you know i'm saying like some people like kristen would just be like oh yeah i think maybe maybe so i go uh yeah yeah yeah you did it at a place that is not my house. And she said, oh, I said, you dropped it on. And I said, this street, which is not even my street. And she said, oh, I did. And I said, yeah. And she says, oh God. Okay. Huh? So I say, you have to deliver it to the, now, now are you ever in a situation where you're dealing with such a moron that you, you can't like, you can't not sound like a dick to

them. You know, like I ended up saying, yeah, so you have to actually deliver it to the address that it says. And I'm like, and I look at my wife and my wife is like, like, Chris, like, are you being, I'm like, what else do I say? What else can I say? She's like, yeah, you're right. You're this big idiot. So I say, okay. She says, all right, well, you know what?

Let me go back and pick it up and then I'll bring it. I'll bring it. I say, okay, hang up. And guess what? That's the end of the story. You're probably like, yeah, well, but what happened? Nothing, nothing. I was just me after that.

And that lady was that lady after that. And I never got my food. Nothing happened after that. The end of the story was when I hung up got my food nothing happened after that the end of the story was when i hung up without my food then that suck but that's the end of the food so i didn't get the thing luckily dude i ordered two different things at the same fucking time. And there it was in five minutes. The other guy came through.

Dude! Yes! You cannot beat a motherfucker who's been to that mall in Saginaw. You can't, life. You can't. God, he ordered salmon. He ordered a salmon bowl too, dude. He knew something like that was going to happen, dude. Sometimes it's not like you're psychic, but it's like all the things that have happened to you in your life, you use them together to predict what's about to happen, like they do on that show foundation and you figure out in a way

it's like a science oh i'm due for the food not being delivered because it's now and because of all the things that have happened in my life already and that's fine so i'm gonna order two meals from two different places and i got one of them dude he beat life and it's all good oh man we were eating we're we sort of watching, hey, just so you know, my wife and friends betrayed me this week, so that's cool. Know what they did?

Oh, dude, I'm going on the – okay. We have friends that come over a lot, David and Jerrica, all right? Now, here's the deal, all right? We watch TV a lot at night. It's the night I go, I leave to go to Michigan, Wednesday night. I'm leaving, I'm taking the red eye.

Okay? David comes over and Jerrica comes over. My wife is over because it's our house and I'm here because I bought this fucking thing. And they say, want to watch something? Now I got to leave in, I got to leave in two hours, and I got to pack. So I say, well, if we watch something, it should be like a movie or something. And they were like, oh. And I was like, well, let's watch a series. And I'm like, what are you doing? Like, what are you even – I can't.

What series is an episode and a half long? You're going to watch an episode, and then I'm going to go, and I'm going to come back in five days. We're going to finish the series? You got three people here. They're going to watch nine. You're going to watch the whole thing. She's like, nah, yeah.

So I say, you know what we should watch when I get back, though? Top of the Lake. Now, I don't know if you know what Top should watch when I get back, though? Top of the Lake. Now, I don't know if you know what Top of the Lake is. It's with the woman from Mad Men and Invisible Man, whatever that horror movie is. And Handmaid's Tale. And she is like looking for a lost girl. And you know what it is? I know my friends.

I'm not like that guy at the coffee bean that was the stuntman that tried to get me to read the book, The History of Dookie. I'm not like my wife that's trying to tell me to give NC State updates in the middle of my act. I'm me. I understand my friends. I understand me. And something I know is, taking into account all of us, this show, Top of the Lake, is right up our alley. Okay? And I know this, but I don't just kind of know it.

I really know it. And do you know why I really know it? Because a lot of times you see a trailer and you're like, I think I might see that. Like that movie Cuckoo that's coming out. I really want to see that. That trailer is awesome. It doesn't give anything away. And Dan Stevens is in it.

Two things. I love what trailers have. Okay. it two things i love what trailers have okay and sometimes i know something is right up our alley because i've already seen a few episodes now i say to them i've already seen about two or three episodes but it's so right up our alley and i stopped watching it just because i don't know why i was doing something else this was 10 years ago it came on 2013 but why don't know why I was doing something else. This was 10 years ago. It came out in 2013. But why don't we watch that when I get back? And they go, yeah, maybe. I go upstairs to pack, and Calvin comes with me.

It's really cute. I'm loving it. He's like, what are you going to pack? I'm having a real father-son thing. He's like, well, you going to pack? I'm having a real father-son thing. And he's like, well, you take this and that. He's like, you take this. And when you come back, well, you know, what are we going to do? And it's so cute.

I pack. It takes me about 35 minutes. I got about an hour left. I walk downstairs and Elizabeth Moss is on screen. Do you know what Elizabeth Moss was in? Mad Men. Elizabeth Moss was in Handmaid's Tale. Elizabeth Moss was in that Invisible Woman movie

or whatever the fuck it's called. And she's also in top of the lake. And I'm like, huh? This isn't any of the things I just mentioned, but top of the lake. So I go, what are you you guys what are you guys doing and it's like i don't know they said you saw it dude david chimes in with one of these motherfuckers oh you said you saw it oh dude i didn't did i i i you're taking it out of you're doing the fucking thing

where if this was in court, I'd be fucked, but you know what I meant, right? They're already well into the first episode. I'm busy packing, trying to make the money to pay for this Hulu subscription. Being a good dad, teaching Calvin how to pack.

And they go behind my back and I come down and they're watching Elizabeth Moss in this caper. And I go, I wanted to watch it. And she's like, well, sorry, sorry. All right, well, fuck.

All right, well, I'm not going to watch it now. And I'm like, oh, we'll watch it episode or two and then we'll watch it when we get's like, well, it's all right. Fuck. All right. Well, I'm not going to watch it now. And I'm like, oh, we'll watch an episode or two. And then we'll watch it when we get back. You said you watched two episodes. Okay. Fine. It's not worth it.

I got to leave. I leave. My ride comes 1040. Late red eye shit, right? I leave. Bro, every day my wife usually goes to bed before 12. I'm on the plane on the red eye. And it's fucking 3 a.m.

And I'm texting with my wife. I don't understand what's going on. But she's four episodes deep of top of the lake. And my friend is still over. And so is Jericho. Okay? So I go, what the fuck? You never stay up late?

I said I wanted to see the show. Like, I know, but we were just into it. And, you know, yada, yada. Hey, dude, this story's not over. The next night, David comes over again. So does Jer. And they watch another few episodes, dude. Oh, and the story isn't over yet.

On the third night, when I'm in Saginaw, Outbreak City, Michigan, tossing and turning in my residence in Full Ketchin Hotel. Jerrica texts me, good news. Season two of Top of the Lake is bad anyway. Ow! Oh, wow. You abandoned me. You betrayed me. You betrayed me.

You stabbed me in the front. You invited my friend over to watch the show that I suggested that said it was dying to see. What the fuck? When am I going to watch this fucking thing now, it's going to be the same, I might as well be, might as well be the mall in Saginaw, never going back to that, I'll never see this thing now, all of my friends and wife has seen it, unreal dude,

they betrayed me, stabbed me in the front but you live and learn i won't ever mom's the word when it comes to the what they want they want to say you you want to see more shows mom's the word and then i come back and i say uh i come back and i and i and, and I say, I come back, and I say, well, you guys watch the show, huh? And they say, yeah, and I say, where's I going with this? I come back, I say, you watch the show? Yeah, and then we're like, let's start a new one. So I'm like, all right, no harm, no foul.

I missed a whole season. It's not like i have to sit here and watch the end of a thing which would suck so dude i i was on the road for four days i come five days i come back and i'm like i know what my i i know I'm going to, I got a show on lock that I've seen before that is going to be so up my alley, so up David's alley, so up Jericho's alley, so up Kristen's alley, So up Jericho's alley. So up Kristen's alley. That it's going to make Top of the Lake look like the history of Dookie. Okay?

Like I've got the most killer show. And I've already seen it. And I don't watch it twice. I do not watch it twice. But I got to make a point. And I'm like, should I even tell him I've seen it before? So I say, guys, I got the show. You fucked me royally with the top of the lake shit. I mean, you really just opened me up and went to town, right? Let's admit it. Let's admit it. Five days, you opened me up and you just fed your extended family

right didn't you right okay can we agree on that right ah fuck right you filled your bellies by by just opening me up right You even had some enemies at the cookout. So I'm like, all right. I got it. This show is right up your alley. I know because I've seen it. And I'm willing to watch it again. There isn't a show that you'd like more than this show. Collectively, all three of you. And it's called Broadchurch.

And you know what the next thing that happened was? You know what the next thing that happened was? My wife said, but look, and pointed to the fucking TV screen. And it was on the homepage of that fucking in the night TNT show with Chris Pine. That came out in 2019. Remember that show? No. Because it was only on one season,

which means it sucks. Because it didn't get to season two. It was on TNT. They don't really push the envelope, do they? And it was in 2019 when Chris Pine was a rising star and nobody knows about it. And I say, what about this? In the night. What's it called? In the night? I am the night.

And I go, what is this about? Dude. It starts. And I said, babe, the Broadchurch show, trust me, is right up your alley. She says, yeah, but we always watch what you want to watch. Why don't we just give it five minutes? Dude. And here's why that is like a little twisting knife in my chest.

That's what I say. That's what I say to her. Give it five minutes. If you don't like it, we'll change it. Oh, I gave it five minutes, dude. It's a period piece. It's a period piece. I gave it five minutes. I gave it 10 minutes. I give it 15 minutes. I put Cal to bed. I came back down. We were 30 minutes into the show. And I said, hey, is this good? And my wife says, I don't know. And David says, says and i say so maybe watch something else and she said come on i'm kind of into it oh bro this isn't even close to the end of the story buckle the fuck up

we watched a full episode of i am the night I was like this. I just got home from fucking Saginaw. And I'm like this. Watching the boring as shit. By the way, Chris Pine's a great actor. If he wasn't so handsome, people would value him as a better actor. But they just, they think he's handsome and he's good. But he's great. Okay?

I don't care. It's a period piece and it's about the Black Dahlia again. How many things are they going to make a fucking about the black Dahlia again. How many things are they making fucking about the black Dahlia? But anyway, so I, at the end of the episode, I say, you want to watch episode two?

And Chris is like, I'm kind of into it. And David's like, I mean, whatever. I'm kind of easy. And I'm like, guys,

you're going to be so into Broadchurch. So they say, what about episode two of I Am The Night? And I say, what about if we just give Broadchurch five minutes? My wife says, we always watch what you want to watch. And this sucks. And I say, babe, I know you, you're going to love this show. She says, okay, play it. And she looks at me sternly and she says, I better fucking love this show. And I say, game on.

boom bang dang boom gang jung broad church starts and dude it's like immediately we're all watching a fucking ufc fight okay everybody is locked in engaged in in the credits happen and my wife says, oh man, this is it. I'm into it. So I go, I know my shit, dude. Why do they toy with me? And so, so we're watching it. We watched, we watched four episodes, dude. So I'm like, dude, they don't, I think they only watched three of top of the lake. I'm winning. I'm winning i i'm killing them in this hole even they stabbed me in the front i'm still i'm being the good guy and i'm rising on the top right i'm being the good guy i'm being the i'm being the guy i'm not saying much i'm showing them the show i've already seen it i'm being a good dude we watched four episodes and i and i go i gotta go to bed i gotta wake up tomorrow renew my my license at the dmv so everyone leaves we go to bed. I got to wake up tomorrow, renew my license at the DMV. So everyone leaves,

go to bed, wake up. Kristen says, maybe four hours ago, hey, want to watch Broadchurch? And I say, well, David's not here. Jericho was. And she says, well, I'm going to text David. So she texts David, hey, want to come over tonight? I say, I text him, hey, want to come over tonight? And he says, yeah, but I got to go to dinner with Rick Glassman. So why don't you watch episode five right now? And I'll watch episode five right now. I'll go to dinner with Rick Glassman. And then we'll watch episode six and eight when I, six, seven, eight, when I come over after Rick Glassman's dinner.

And I say, great. My wife, episode five. We watch it. It's great. We're hooked. Rolls into episode six. I say, yo, we should probably turn it off because David's going to come. And she says, well, just keep it on in the background.

We'll watch it again. I say, whatever. Okay, fine. Also, I know secretly David might have rolled it into episode six. There's all sorts of stuff going on in the background, right? And that could have happened, you know? have rolled it into episode six. There's all sorts of stuff going on in the background, right? And that could have happened, you know? So we're playing episode six. And then the producers come over to do this show.

Congratulations. Guess what my wife is watching as I talk to you right now. Broad Church season one, episode eight. Which means I'm not watching it with her. Dude, do you know how much they opened me up this week? Is anybody with a hot dog? That's them. What. Does anybody want a hot dog? That's them. What do you want on your hot dog?

It's almost done. That's them. Just opening it, opening me up, dude. Does anybody, what do you want? You want cheese on your burger? Chris's chest is open and we're sizzling it. Unreal, dude. So now I got to go. I got to i gotta go back i gotta go out there now and i gotta go watch episode seven of here's the craziest part i've already seen it i forgot

what happened and my wife has seen it now definitely and she knows that because she just saw it so now she's looking at me like i know what happens. And I'm like, I forget what happens, dude. Stab me in the front. Open me up. How you want your burger? And that is so nuts, bro. Why do they toy with me? Why do they toy with me?

I know deep down what everyone wants to watch. She just got back in. She just finished Broadchurch. She just walked in. She just finished. Yeah, you have fun? You see the scene I was talking about that was crazy? All right.

I don't want to know anymore because I forget. All I remember is the one crazy scene. And I told you where the girl dry heaves. And it was the best acting I've ever seen. And I don't want you to fucking say anything else because I don't remember the ins and outs of who did what and what did who. And so just don't tell me. But it was crazy. And dude, we're going to watch Broadchurch season two

and we're going to watch Broadchurch season three and you're not going to watch it without me. And that's it. If I have to go on the road and we're in the middle, you wait. You're not doing the top of the lake backstab. The top of the lake backstab shuffle. You're not going to do that again.

Anyway, what else is going on no and i didn't even talk about the thing about dude last night i got it here too last night we're watching the the fucking uh uh uh uh broadchurch david says do you guys mind sometimes david's too friendly he says do you guys mind if i The fucking Broadchurch. David says, do you guys mind? Sometimes David's too friendly. He says, do you guys mind if I move the Ottoman a little closer? I don't put my foot on it. And I said, what the fuck are you saying?

He's like, what? I was like, are you asking me if you can move the Ottoman? And he was like, yeah. And I was like, yeah, you can move the Ottoman. It's a fucking Ottoman. Don't ask me that. It's like, are you crazy? And he was like, yeah, I guess you're right. Okay. Moves it closer, puts his foot on it. The care I have is zero. We're watching Broadchurch. Bro, episode three in the middle i look over at him he's next to me eating waffles eating waffles with syrup and butter eating Calvin's waffles.

And I look at him and I looked at my wife and I say, you fucking believe this guy? Hey, can I move your ottoman? Hey, can I move your ottoman closer? That's what he asks. That's what he asks. And then doesn't ask to go fucking house the waffles that we have. In his tummy.

He heated the syrup up. He heated the syrup up in a bowl in the microwave. We had a good laugh after that. Um. A llama is going to school did you see this a llama has enrolled in an undergraduate program at a college which means someone's not getting

in because of this fucking llama you know hey oh I didn't get I didn't get into what's the university let's find it caesar the no drama llama will be pursuing a minor in spanish hey no it won't and a micro credential in petting zoo administration hey no it won't i get it it's cute but dude everything for clicks now right like what the fuck a fuck? A llama? Of all the animals too, the most shit, disrespectful.

Like put a monkey in it. Put a monkey in a fucking, you know, at Penn State. A llama, it's probably, what college is this? I mean, what the fuck? It smells so bad in class, you know? It's just going like that in the back. Can you be quiet? I'm trying to take a test.

It just spits on you. Okay. Well, this school sucks. Crazy, dude. And I know it's probably just for fun and clicks, but I don't care. Stop it. Stop it. Oh, congrats to Alex andney on their engagement in hawaii

from austin go to my page if you want to purchase a 10 word shout out or add holler.baby slash chrystalia congratulations to matt rife he got a deal he got a deal for netflix to do two specials one of them is an at least one of them i think only i think one i don't think two is a crowdwork special which is the first crowdwork special in net that they're going to do, which is awesome. Congratulations to him. And dude, the fucking piss takes that people are taking on him. It's like, why can't, like, dude,

there has to be that guy. There has to be that guy where their comedy is, you know, they're the poster boy of what, you know, the youth or quote unquote, not that he doesn't have male friends, male fans, he does, but he has a lot of female fans that people are going to be like, oh, this guy makes comedy and it sucks. There's just going to always be that guy. Okay. There's going to be that guy and, and, and he's going to be that guy and that's fine. I love him. Okay. And I have nothing but

good wishes for him. And I think that that shit, uh, it's awesome that he's doing his shit and making his money and he's funny. Okay. Now the, the, the anger that stirs that this stirs up, Oh, he's not even funny. he's just being a bully he's punching down dude if you come to my show i'm punching down it's funny it's funny to punch up punch down all around all right i punch all around okay so does matt here's the deal um there are comedians that are trashing him. Fuck you, dude. Like, you, that's so bitch to trash another comedian because there's, like, first of all, the kid's 27, dude.

You got Greg Proops out there and Marc Maron being like, this guy's shitty. Like, wow, this isn't right that Netflix gave. And then you got Kathy fucking Griffin like, you said it, Greg Proops. You guys are 60, dude. You guys are fucking 60 years old. Matt Rife is 27. Let him make his fucking millions of dollars.

Let him make people happy, dude. He's a good fucking guy it's so dumb dude oh man the more comedians that make more money that sell more tickets make other comedians make more money and some more tickets it's not a whole pie that you can only take some of there's an infinite amount of pies. There's 8 billion people in the world. People aren't going to like, the same people that like Matt aren't going to like me. Same people who like me aren't going to like Marc Maron. Same people who like Marc Maron,

they're not going to like fucking Carrot Top. There's people out there that go see fucking Terry Fatore. It's not for me, but what the fuck you want to go go make your money but for a comedian to trash another comedian like that is fucked up and there's no loyalty to the game it sucks it sucks dude especially you're fucking 30 years older than the motherfucker um and i'm not saying they're bad guys like you know who knows they had a bad day they tweet this like that but it's just like this fucking hate this hate that happens on the internet and this like uh this anger this i want to take down the man who has the stuff is just fucking

crazy dude do it um yeah i just uh there's no honor in that shit there's no honor there's no uh what do you call it brotherhood sisterhood whatever you want to call it they hood because there's trans people too um that's it thank you very much for listening to congratulations appreciate you and uh that's it for the episode on youtube if you want to watch the rest of it, the uncut episode, go on over to the Patreon. And our next Patreon is going to be our next. It's six bucks to go check out every episode in its entirety. And then also the extra episode a month that we do. And the next one we do is going to be a banger.

We have a surprise in store for you. Appreciate you guys.