Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 377. Lord Have Mercy

Episode Date: April 25, 2024

😮 Get a shoutout on this show at holler.baby/chrisdelia 🎤 MY SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is here: chrisdelia.com/god 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. This week Chris talks fashion, bee reproduction, church confessions, Canadian money, and how to watch TV successfully with your partner. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/chrisdelialive 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Augusta, North Charleston. Augusta, North Charleston. Augusta, Georgia. North Charleston, South Carolina. St. Petersburg, Florida. Chattanooga, Tennessee. Charleston, West Virginia. St. Petersburg, Florida, Chattanooga, Tennessee, Charleston, West Virginia. And then I'm going over to Australia.

Get your tickets at chrislea.com. And it is all new stuff from my last special. It's not, rather, it's not from my last special. So you can go and watch my special and then come see me on tour. You will have all new stuff. chrislea.com, get my special. chrislea.com, get tickets. Green Bay, Des Moines, all of Australia and New Zealand. I'll be there. And then some other dates. Chrisley.com, get my special. Chrisley.com, get tickets. Green Bay, Des Moines, all of Australia and New Zealand.

I'll be there. And then some other dates. Go look. Thanks very much. And this is the craziest 300 and what is it? Something of 377 episode of Congratulations. the best um the best the best episode 377 maybe maybe it's the best episode of 300 maybe it's the best 377th episode of anything ever you know not many things have reached episode 377

but there are a lot of podcasts out there now so a bunch of them have um a lot of podcasts are on like less episodes than that though because podcast is still new but um anyway i remember before um before i did when i started podcasting uh in 2017 well no but my own I mean, we did a 10-minute podcast, obviously. But after that, when I started my own in 2017, people like actually, like pretty much women didn't even know what podcasting was. It was like a guy thing.

And then, which is weird because women love to talk. And then now everyone knows what it is it's amazing i think about that sometimes and that's it i don't have to get into detail about it but that's what i think about sometimes uh wear my life rip shirt i realize i'm an extra extra large now so that's beefy. I don't even know. I'm an extra, extra large. Fashion changes. I remember looking at, remember when the skinny jeans were in?

And I remember looking at the skinny, when I was getting into skinny jeans, okay? Because that's where fashion was going. And where do I go? I am where fashion is, all right? Hey, if you're seeing fashion going somewhere, Dalia's close, all right? He's either there or right behind, you know? He's not Asian with it, you know? He's not Asian with it. He's not before fashion because Asiansians are before fashion asians are just you know you'll you'll be wearing something that you think is is in and hip and an asian will see you and be like no it's not that's old right and um what is this 2022 right like that's what they'll be like they're on to the next thing you know they're like wearing a trash bag you got to get trash What is this, 2022? Right? Like, that's what they'll be like.

They're on to the next thing. You know, they're like wearing a trash bag. You got to get trash bags. And then by the time you get trash bags, they go, that's old. So why are you wearing that? You have time machine? So anyway, so I'm, you know, I'm not forward with it. with and by the way you can say that's racist but it's not racist because i'm saying that asians are so good with fashion okay um so i am kind of

you know i'm kind of nice with it whatever but i'm just saying you know it's like some days i'm you know what some days i'm nice with it some days i'm just not that nice with it right some days i'm nice with it but i have the capability of being nice with it, right? So sometimes I'm right there with fashion. Sometimes I'm a few days behind. That's all I'm going to say. But tight jeans, I remember when tight jeans came out and I was like, all right, I guess I'll do it. I don't know. I don't know yet, but I guess I'll do it. Then I saw, you know, you just keep seeing it, keep seeing it. Then you see one guy wear it and you're like, he's kind of like me. I bet I can pull it off. Okay.

All right. So I got tight stuff. Then I wore it and I put it on. And then I was like, oh, this is what it should have been. We should always wear jeans like this because this is what fits. People are always like, yeah, but they're too tight. But they're not too tight really because they're fitting. They're form fitting.

Form fitting. Another word for form fitting is fitting. Right? You know what I'm talking about? So like when I was younger, when I was working out, when I was, you know, I was like 17, getting all beefed up, you know, and my uncle would be like, oh, you're getting a shirt. You need to wear shirts that fit. And I was like, this is what fits. I'm showing off my muscles. It's form fitting, aka fitting, right? Just because I'm not wearing baggy stuff like you from eddie bauer mr ll bean so um so now uh i i you know up until about 2022 he was

hit with the skinny jeans okay and then people started wearing baggy things. And I'm like, no, dude. What is it, 1990 whatever, you know, 8 again? No, come on. I don't want to do this. And I thought, I'm not doing it. It looks silly, right? And boy, I'll be damned if sometimes the baggy jeans aren't bunched up nicely right up over my shoes nowadays. And I looked at the skinny jean pictures because I was like, I feel like I betray myself, man.

And I look back at the skinny jeans pictures and sure enough, it looked absolutely terrible, dude. And I thought it was good. Absolutely terrible, dude. And I thought it was good. So now I'm going to think the best. Whatever you're wearing looks bad in eight years. So just do whatever. As a matter of fact, you can't even get away from it.

Even if you wear the same thing the whole way through life, you can look back eight years and you will still think, what was I doing, right? It'll be something amiss with your hair or like something different with like your sideburns that just throw everything off like even inspector inspector gadget and ronald mcdonald eight years ago are like what was i wearing and they only wear one thing the hamburger is like what's with that mask saying it with the mask on it's just covering my eyes it doesn't even make any sense and he's still got it on no matter what you look at yourself eight years ago you think you looked like dog hash radio edit um Radio edit. Oh, speaking of Japan,

this is new music out of Japan. Let's talk about it. I've been listening to this. Really just kind of been vibing to it. There we go. There we go. Yep. There we go. Yep. There we go.

Do you think we'll get copyright infringement for this? Look, that clap. That clap. What? Oh, and he just threw the table down for no reason. Dude, that... What is it called? The beginning of it look smashed it down and put the table down dude here's the thing about

this kind of thing like the hardcore quote-unquote music, whatever it is, whatever it turns into, the one thing that has the mainstay, there's one mainstay. The people will have long hair and just use it, you know? Just like being Cousin It. And then the caption on this, they posted it on Kids Takeover, which is an Instagram handle. Nah, he killed it. This is Ryosuke Kiyasu's viral show he did in Taiwan. What's a viral show? How do you know if it's viral until later?

In part of his entire tour. Thoughts? I don't, um... I don't, I don't know. Like, I guess at this point I'm the old guy, but like, if you're playing, like, dude, how do you sing along? So mad at the drum. So mad at the drum. Bad drum.

Bad drum. Bad drum. And you, Tooth Table, you're an accomplice. Get out of here. I don't get it. Clapping to that is absolutely maniacal, right? Don't clap at it. If you like it, go and be ashamed. You know? Don't go and be proud. You like it. Go and whoops. I like it. You know what I'm talking about? It's like when, it's like when people try to come at me and they're like, yo, the tutors is bad and I'm just all whoopsie daisy about it.

Okay. So I watched five seasons of the tutors. Okay. Okay. Okay. So, so fine. So I watched it seasons of the tutors. Okay. Okay. So, so fine. So I watched it. So, okay.

So because I won't watch Yellowstone and even though I know it's better than the tutors because I saw five episodes of it and don't care about it because it's not my cup of tea. No matter what happens in that show, they can shoot, they can brand, they can steal. Rob, I don't care kevin costner can be gravely as radio edit i don't care do you know i'm talking about the girl can show her back door and top of her titties has much you know i'm talking about the woman from flight to try that. The drug addict from flight can show her titties as much she wants in

Yellowstone. I don't care, but I, you know, I'd rather watch the tutors and yeah, my wife's mad at me for it. Okay, fine.

Do you want to watch dude? When I was out, you know, the saga of me watching television shows with my wife is just, it's just a beautiful saga and it's an awesome saga. It's an awesome saga. And by awesome, I mean, war is awesome too. awesome too. It's not like I'm like, everyone always thinks war, everyone always thinks awesome is a term that means cool. And the 80s took awesome and ran with it. But awesome means you look at something and you go, wow, it's full of awe, right? Like war. So when I'm in Canada, bringing home the bacon, let's say, when I'm in Canada doing shows, right?

By my lonely, doing my dirt all by my lonely, like Naughty by Nature used to say. Doing my dirt all by my lonely, like Naughty by Nature used to say. And my wife texts me, hey, watching Yellowstone, it's so good. I go, oh, are you like me, dude? I go like this, oh, fuck. She asked me if I wanted to watch Yellowstone twice before this. before this I said no okay now your boy goes on the road right your boy does lots of tours he does lots of dates chrisley.com and when he goes on tour She should watch whatever she wants. When the boy gets home, the boy likes to unwind. The boy likes to veg out. The boy likes to chill.

The boy likes to have a good time. The boy likes to not think. The boy throws on something like the Tudors. Don't come at me telling me the Tudors is bad. I get it. I know there's better shows. at me telling me the tutors is bad i get it i know there's better shows alas we watch we watch why because we can do things like take breaks we can play with the phone we can talk to calvin we can you know what i mean so when the boy gets home sunday night and kristin says no oh man, you know what? She's like, you want to put Cal to bed? I put Cal to bed. I come down, she's watching Yellowstone,

and I'm like, this is my, I just got to home, can we? She's like, let's just watch it. She's three seasons in. I'm like, I'm not going to just watch a random episode of Yellowstone. She's like, then watch it from the beginning with me. She's re-watching it for me, dude.

I don't even wanna. So now now i'm watching on five episodes deep hold on and i just there's too much tan in it you know so now i'm watching it, all right? And I was going to mention something else about it, and I don't remember, but I came back, and all I wanted to do was watch something. You know what I wanted to watch is something stupid. I came back with Canadian money. I didn't get, you know, the exchange, currency exchange thing.

There's all different money all everywhere around the world, you know. There's Canadian money. There's yen. There's scruples or whatever. You know what I mean. Ruples. I don't know. Ruples. Ruples's and so work and so um man how ahead

of the game was RuPaul you'll see that's what she would say and we did and so I got Canadian money let me just say something about Canadian money, dude. It's so dope. Now, the thing that sucks about it is it's not as good or as healthy or as expensive as American money. And when you get American money,

you get that money, money, money, money, you know, like that whole, the whole thing about how like it's dirty. I love a dirt to it, but the Canadian money, I guess it's as dirty, but it seems cleaner. You can't rip it. It's

different colors. People who are elderly know what they're getting out of their purse. They don't have to, you, you know what I mean? Oh, the red one, 50. Oh, the purple one, 10. The blue one, five. The yellow one, 100. The green one, 20. A dollar? A coin, which is awesome. One dollar should always be a coin, no matter where you go. One dollar should never be the... And don't have pennies. Right? Don't even have them anymore. Just have things end at five cents. Okay? Are we good? So, I get the Canadian money. And I have a, you know, I put it in the bank already.

But I had a good amount of Canadian money. I bring it home part of the reason why I didn't exchange it is because I I know Calvin's gonna love it I know Calvin's gonna love the different kind of money so I bring it home and I say Calvin I have a surprise for you and he says what did you get me I I was like, it's not really anything. You might like it. It's not like a toy. I don't want you to. He said, okay.

I hand him a stack of this Canadian money. And he goes, what is it? And I said, it's Canadian money. It's money from Canada, from a whole different country. And he says, I love it. And I say, yeah, well, so does your dad for different reasons. But yeah. And then he just throws it up in the air, he's doing like, duck tails, woo, do-na-noo-noo, it's like the fucking

intro to DuckTales, just throwing around, bathing in it, right, and I'm like, we gotta clean it up, he's like, well, let's clean it up at the end of the night, because right now I'm having fun, just with my money, like, cut out the middleman, cut out the the toys just get your kid Canadian money you get more of it because whatever you have in America you have even more of it in Canada and so I am now the money's all over the floor and I'm like Cal don't lose any of this because we need this because of course why well And of course, why? Well, because money is very important because money, you get stuff with money. Like what?

You get toys, food, jackets, anything. Okay, I won't lose any. I promise. Lost $800. $800. Don't know where it is I think it's in with his Tetris toys that's the most expensive toy my son ever got. So, no, it wasn't. It was the fucking bounce house my wife got him.

Why isn't... Yeah, American money feels real, though. Maybe it's just because I'm American. Anyway, it's in the bank now. My son didn't want me to bring it to the bank, but I brought it to the bank, so joke's on him. It's at the bank. I was at the gym, and this Italian dude, so Italian, so Italian,

that honestly, he should be wearing a leather jacket and carrying around pizza at all times. And he, you know, he came up to me a while ago and he said he was a fan. And I'm like, thank you. And he's like, you know all that bullshit you went through. Azor, you came out the other side. It was really inspiring. I'm like, oh, that's great.

My people, bro. I love Italians. I love it. Okay? i was all came out the other side it was really inspiring i'm like oh that's great i love my people bro i love italians i love it okay um just hitting on all sorts of women at the gym you know he's just and then looking at me and being like hey you know good thing i'm not more famous right they come after me right and um so the the most italian thing happened to me i i you know what i felt like how non-italians feel when they when when they're talking to an italian person and i'm italian and dude i have an i have a i have a cousin butch like i have an uncle vinnie i'm i'm i'm italian okay um you know people in my family have like nicknames i don't even know Vinny. I'm Italian. Okay? You know, people in my family have nicknames. I don't even know their real names.

That's how Italian I am. And so the dude comes up to me in the locker room. Now I'm Italian. Italian to Italian. And he says, and I say, hey, I thought you were going back to New York. And he says, oh, you know what? I think I live here now. And I was like, oh yeah? And he says, yeah. I mean, I've been staying on a couch, my friend's couch, but you know what I think I live here now and I was like oh yeah and he says yeah I mean I've

been staying on a couch my friend's couch but you know I'm looking for a place so I gotta find a place you know I'm trying to find a place I say oh yeah and he says yeah I say well I hear you and he says yeah well you don't hear me though, do you? And I said, what? And he said, I mean, you don't actually hear me, right? And I'm like, am I getting whacked? And I guess he thought I meant I'm in the same boat as you. But he actually said, well well you don't really hear me

right and I was like well I don't know you know I mean I mean I'm not looking for a place myself and he was like yeah yeah okay I was like oh dude Italians so quick to turn the so quick and New York Italians so quick to turn turn on you like that you don't hit the bubble like that right playing sorry that's not how you hit the bubble though right that's gonna jerk all the dice around am i right nah nah but but that's you right you're the guy right who comes in here he wants to play sorry because it was your idea wasn't it it was your idea you want it to be blue hopping all around all around. All good. And nobody's saying nothing about it, right? And everything's fine. And honestly, you're winning and we're all happy for you.

And then you go hit the bubble like that. Isn't that right? So now what? The dice is all jerky, right? You're doing it all jerky like that. like the dice is going to, you know. I'm just saying if I'm a dice, I'm going to have a problem with that, right? Now, granted, that's personification. I'm not a dice.

Nobody's a dice. But still, there's rules about salary. You're jumping all around. We're letting stuff slide. That's fine. But the way you hit the bubble, though, right? Jerking the dice all around tony get him that's how italians do it tony get him um it's fascinating how different people

talk differently it really is like i know that's obvious, but like I was in Nanaimo, Canada. Where is it? And it's on the Vancouver. It's on the flight. It's on the flight. It's on the Vancouver Island. By the way, I don't like that dude. And I know you know that if you know me, but like have, call it something else. Don't call it the other city's island that's so bitch for both places now you're in vancouver is like oh fuck they got vancouver they took vancouver island now it's both of us kind of and then vancouver island is like oh we don't have our own identity you know change it anyway there's places in vancouver island like victoria and nanaimo and i I went to Nanaimo and the dude there I'm gonna put up my stand-up clip I did some I did a local thing about it on stage but go to my YouTube channel

or you're on my YouTube channel and um just the people in Nanaimo are all just, what are they talking about? You know, like there's different ways of living, but like, I guess they do it kind of in the South. It's, I guess it's small talk. They do in the South too, USA, South, USA. Um, but like I'm sitting in a coffee shop and like a 90 year old walks in and strikes up a conversation with a 20 year old and it's like

he's just like hey you look tired but it's not rude oh you look tired eh and then the lady it's not rude. Oh, you look tired, eh? And then the lady is like, ah, well, I've been working, you know, a different thing, but I'm about to get off. Oh, what are you doing after this? Oh, I'm going to go home and, you know, maybe have dinner with my boyfriend.

Oh, that's nice. Like, eh? Canadian. And dude? Smore. And dude? And dude? Am I a dick for it? I don't know. Maybe I am.

Oh boy. Hi, Cal. What are you doing? Cal, you got to put clothes on. Could you put clothes on? You just took a bath? Okay, put clothes on and then come say hi. Okay, sitting around in his underwear.

And he comes in like this. I just took a bath. All right, here we go. We got this here. You get bee semen into the country. Wow. The bee semen gets sent in in little vials. I mean, an absolute diabolical...

This is how the world ends. You can tell. How do you get the semen out of the bee? So that's the most common question we get asked in it. We jack him off. How do you get semen out of the bees? Well, it's probably not something we'd say here at the Senate. Thank you.

You asked what I was... You give them fellatio. How you do that? So it's part of the vernacular. Everyone wants to know how you get semen out of a bee. To... And I can't claim to be an expert, and you can... How come I'm the only one with a straight face here?

Well, because you're talking about extracting bee semen and getting into the country, like it's cocaine. So basically, you squeeze the bee, which averts its endophallus, and then the semen is collected from the end. And the bee's still alive when you finish? No, but... If you give the semen, You've got to kill the bee. Bees also die when they mate naturally.

Oh, right. In fact, they explode. Wow. I mean, what are these Australians talking about? Hi, Cal. Hi. How you doing? Good.

So, you just took a bath. Yeah. All right. And so, why don't you tell me how it went? It went good. I just played in the bath with Billy, and he was done, and then why don't you tell me how it went? It went good. I just played in the bathroom and he was done, and then he did it. We arrived, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So let's talk about something, okay? What do you think about the money that Dad brought home, the Canadian money? Oh. Yeah, what do you think about that? Great, I love it. And why do you like the Canadian money? Because I just. What do you think about that? Great. I love it. Well, and how, why do you like the Canadian money? Because I just like how it's real. You like how it's real? But someone's coming in. Yeah. Billy's coming in. Mom's coming in. So, so what do you think about the, uh, the Canadian money though? What's your favorite kind? Um, fifties. The red. The red? Do you like 50s? The red one? Yeah. Okay.

20s too. And what is that? I like all of them. Alright, cool. You have anything you want to say? No. Oh, really? So you're just coming on here to model or something? What? Oh, you probably don't know what modeling is.

Why? I want to just talk on it. Of course you do, yeah. And what would you like to say? I just don't know. You don't know? No. That's okay.

Yeah, it's funny. You can see yourself? Yeah, the screen. Uh-huh. Yeah. Right there? I see it. Right there. I mean, you know

What are you doing? Yeah Dude, so, alright So what do you think about Do you like being funny? Yeah Why do you think you're so funny? Because I just do

I just do Yeah Is that one of your favorite things to do Is to be funny? Yeah Yeah Who do you like to make laugh? You, everybody.

Yeah? Yeah. Okay. And what's your favorite kind of joke? I love you. Oh, I love you too. That's not really a joke though, is it? No.

But that's good that it's not a joke. You know what? Hmm? This is it? No. That's good that it's not a joke. You know what? This is my funny joke. Backy. Backy? Yeah. Backy is your funny joke? Yeah.

That's pretty good. Yeah, it's Backy. Backy? Kyle, you can't touch the microphone. Okay. So are you all done? No, not yet. Okay.

I just like to do your podcast. You like to do my podcast? When you have a podcast, what do you think you would want to be about? What do you think your podcast would make it about? I don't know. Well, what? It could be about anything. Transformers? Yeah.

Okay, and what would you talk about Transformers? Do something. Okay, so hey guys, welcome to the podcast about Transformers. Today, in the Transformers news today, we'll go to Calvin. Calvin, what do you have for us? Transformers, Transform. Transformers, Transform. Alright, well there you have for us? Transformers transform. Transformers transform.

All right, well, there you have it. Transformers transform. Anything else for us, Calvin? We've got Calvin in the helicopter up with the news. We've got Calvin up in the chopper with the Transformers news. What do you have for us, Calvin? Transformers save the city. Absolutely.

Transformers save the city. That's amazing. Thank you the city. That's amazing. Thank you very much. That's good. Okay. Well, thank you very much, Calvin. Congratulations. Congratulations.

Yes, that's right. All right, buddy. You want to go to mommy? Why? Go to mommy. Why? Because I got to do this. All right.

I just like to see myself. Oh, you can see yourself. Yeah this. All right? I just like to see myself. Oh, you can see yourself. Yeah, I know. I know you like to see yourself. You're like Daddy. Yeah. Oh. Oh, I see my hair.

You see your hair? Yeah. Wow, the way he's walking in front of it. All right, so. All right, go follow Mommy. We can play later, okay? Bye, Dad. Bye.

See you. Love you. I want to see my hand. Okay, you see your hand? There it is. There it is. Yep, see you. Be you. Okay, you see your hand? There it is. Yep, see ya. Oh, great. There's applesauce down there. Okay. Let's go back to this

bee semen thing. Anyway, back to bee semen. The bee semen gets sent in in little vials. Better still, how do you get the semen out of the bee? So that's the most common question we get asked, Senator. You back up into it. Thank you, you asked what I was... Depends if the bee is heterosexual or homosexual.

Everyone wants to know. If he's heterosexual, we get a really hot little lady bee. And I can't say I'd be an expert, and you can... Homosexual. How come I'm the only one with a straight face here? If he's a homosexual bee, take him to Santa Monica Boulevard. ...bee, which averts its endophallus,

and then the semen is collected from the end. And the bee's still alive when you're finished? No, but... No, but you have the semen, you've got to kill the bee. Bees also die when they mate naturally. What? In fact, they explode. I mean, you know, there's a better way of saying that.

They explode. Dude, how good does that, how good does it have to be for bees that they die afterwards? That is just crazy. Bees die after they mate? Then how are they still around? I guess they make a bunch of them when

they come out right like humans only have like one at a time or two at a time or three at a time maybe at the most but like bees probably just be so much so much could probably come out right how many bees do lady bees lay how many eggs do they lay at once probably a lot because if a dude bee is nothing all up in it and then just dying then that's one dude be gone right but the but the lady bee obviously is still kind of chilling she can't die because she's got to carry all those baby bees to term and then those bees all get born at the same time and then there's like say 12 and then they're around for a while pollinating and doing all that stuff with honey and then then after they become you know of age they mature then they have sex and die and then they

make 12 more i guess that's how it goes and so anyway i should have a nature channel but that's wild bees i don't like when There's always somebody at a party that'll tell you how serious bees are, you know? The bee issue... Well, the thing is... You know, it all comes down to bees, you know? And you're just like, nah. I mean, I can't tell you how many times in my life I've heard,

well, it's because of bees. Like, and I mean like nine times. And I'm 44 and that's too many times. Oh, this was so... Are you kidding me with how funny this was? Mercy. From the sense of blind entitlement, some people seem to have Lord have mercy.

So deeper. All right, dude right dude this guy this preacher this priest or whatever you want to call it i don't know what he is it's definitely christian well it's christian because he's doing this to it this father is getting real specific okay and it keeps going dude just here we go lord have mercy from a blind judgmental attitude over other people's appearance or dress christ have mercy christ have. For the times our sharp political divide blinded our call to care for each other, Christ have mercy.

Christ have mercy. When people use loopholes to take advantage of disability benefits, Christ have mercy. When people use loopholes to get disability benefits, have for their own financial gain christ have mercy imagine being in that audience and being like i didn't do this shit okay christ have mercy oh did this guy's confessing the worst guy the worst father you know

christ have mercy from a blind attitude over the theft of work Xerox paper for personal use Lord have mercy. Blind attitude, dude. Of a Xerox paper. Dude, for me it would be for masturbating in my bed, trying to keep it from shaking so he wouldn't wake up his wife

and destroy her sleep cycle because she has to wake up early with the kids and he sleeps in lord have mercy trying to trying to absolutely barely move your hand and just kind of do it you know really really minutely and making it you know yeah sure it'll take a little bit longer but that's okay because you know maybe it's a little bit you know know, kinky that it's taking so long. And anyways, trying not to disturb his wife's sleep patterns. Lord have mercy.

You'd hear me in the back going, oh, come on. Oh, shit. Guilt tripping your wife into trying to cook food because we've been ordering too much Postmates. Lord have mercy. Lord have mercy. Is this about me? You know? much postmates lord have mercy lord is this about me you know secretly upset because your wife wears the clothes that you're going to wear the next day because because she knows that she can get through the loophole because you told her once that you like thought she was cute when she was

wearing your clothes but secretly you wish that she would wear the clothes that you weren't going to be wearing tomorrow lord have mercy this is about me lord have mercy acquiescing and watching yellowstone even though you didn't want to but knowing that you kind of had to because she said she'd started over with you and kind of got you there even though you really want to be watching something stupid like the tutors and eating ice cream and barely paying attention to it lord have mercy lord have really upset that your wife is actually enjoying yellowstone the second time and saying things like oh i must have missed this part because i was tootling around the kitchen but now i'm so happy i get to see it twice

then i don't want her to have that lord have mercy lord have mercy this is about me. You know? Getting upset when my wife dings the side of the Audi QRSX7 wheel, even though we have the wheel package. We're probably using too much of it. We can get it like one wheel replaced a year, and she keeps dinging it up against the Whole Foods parking lot and scrapes it, and it looks like fucking, it looks like Al Unser Jr. just did six laps in it. Lord, and even though you get mad at it, also you had a fucking, you do it too,

even though you do it on your Mercedes, but you don't want her to know that. But there's an air bubble in your tire and you're going to have to go get it fixed. Lord have mercy. But you don't tell her about that. Keep it to yourself because you want to be mad at her. And you want her to feel bad. Lord have mercy. Lord have mercy. We attempted to jump the line or skirt the rules to get a vaccine.

Lord have mercy. Lord have mercy. From a lack of courtesy, especially for the elderly. Lord have mercy. I mean confessing. I mean, so general, that one. From a temptation to cheat at golf tournaments. So rich, you know? Not reporting strokes or by a foot wedge. Christ have mercy.

Not reporting strokes. Dude, you know, leave Christ out of it. Who cares? Christ have mercy. From a blind attitude during COVID of not wearing masks or hoarding toilet paper Christ have mercy

Christ have mercy for the times we lacked respect for God Lord have mercy and still didn't stop what if in the middle of it he just went murder Lord have mercy kicking the shit out of a five-year-old lord have mercy

this guy's awful helping designing the atom La Cienega. Lord have mercy. Having sex with a woman and then secretly taking the condom. So it feels better without telling our lord of mercy um oh no dude beatboxing i can't you know what i can't help about beatboxing oh god you know just put pillows together and they go nuts i love it though that's funny dude how funny. Wow. I mean, just flailing him around well

how did I do We are Venom. We are Venom. Dude, these guys are a trip. That's funny. Beatboxing Lord of Mercy. Oh, God. There we go. Marlon Brando, the greatest actor ever claimed.

Don't you realize that you're thought of as the greatest actor ever? Kim's the greatest actor ever. You pretend he loves me and and wants something to eat. Get out of here. The dog. Wow. No, it's true. Dismissing it.

What's the difference? See, that's a part of the sickness in America that you have to think in terms of who wins, who loses, who's good,

who's bad, who's best, who's worst. We always think in those terms, in the extreme terms. I don't like to think that way everybody had uh their own value in a different way and uh i don't like to think who was

the best at this so that way what's the point of it yeah dude i agree and he just was not around thank god he wasn't around during twitter oh my god you know nah marlon brando sucks cuz you know people would say it's absolutely insane you ever watch fucking godfather though dude that movie's pretty good but i don't know man i don't know if um look at this tweet richard strot, speaking of Twitter, the guy writes, 18, single, alpha male, wildly successful, passionately pro-Trump. Do you find this attractive? And then a picture of him and he's gray the guy is a gray guy and he's outside of the fucking islands in glendale in the galleria and he's and the dude first of all that guy's 18 i mean is this a real tweet? This is insane. Did you see that cocky go boing boing tweet? No?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Where is it? No, no, no, no. This is one of the funniest tweets I've ever seen in my life. Hold on. I got to get it. I got to get it.

Dude, I can't even believe how funny this tweet is. Hold on. Let me get it. I sent it to these guys um you googled it that can't be real right

here it is at the beach where the hoes at cocky want boing boing dude and the guy literally I'm being serious this this is the way I think Satan looks. Why are his eyes black? He looks like on his downtime, he'll be talking, and then you think you're talking to him,

and then all of a sudden he'll just be, and you say, what? says nothing sorry dude that is crazy that is a crazy look also he has hair how do you if that's your face bro who is this guy cocky want boing boing is crazy to say and i love that i'm gonna say that to my wife sweetie cock you want boing boing sweetie cock you want boing boing there was a part in um in uh in uh yellowstone where the where the lady where the wife said to him like come here fuck me and i go ew that's so gross to like be like that and she was like you would have done it. And I'm like. Nah. I mean. Yeah.

But like. It's still gross. Like. In 2015. But like. It's gross. Because like. To be like. Yeah.

Come here. Fuck me. You know. She agreed it was gross. But then it's like. I think I. I found. I think I know.

You know what I want you to do. Guys. You got a girlfriend. You got a wife. I want somebody to report back to me. I actually know. The worst thing you can say during sex. I know the worst thing you can say during sex. I actually know it.

I thought about it last night with my wife, and I said it to her, and she laughed like hell, and I think it's the worst thing you could possibly say during sex. I think the worst thing you could say during sex is when you're having sex, right as you're about to arrive, you know what I'm talking about? When you're about to get to that top moment, that top note, right? You go to the top moment. You say, oh, no. Oh, gosh. Here comes a Boston cream pie.

And then right as you're about, right as you're, you know, arriving, say, park the car. oh no baby here comes a boston cream pie park the car on the harvard it's the worst it would be i challenge you to find a worse thing to say when you're making love oh no here comes a boston cream cream pie ah time to pack the car in the haven yada ah well your whole body shakes dude oh my god someone do it and report back i swear to god i swear to god that is oh shit i know you're laughing i know you're laughing you got to be laughing at that dude if i did that i've never done anything like that oh man i should have surprised her not maybe i can well no i already told her about it

that's so stupid dude ew you know a lot of things sound gross when you think about it sexually and then when you're doing sex it doesn't seem gross anymore what's up with that dude that's crazy to think about like calling it like you know what actually i'm just gonna stop talking about this because that's disgusting but anyway you think this guy is attractive he looks like he would be in that show with the vampires on FX with Kevin Durand and the, what the fuck's it called? Something with an S. No.

Vampire movie show. FX. The Strain. Hell yeah, dude. The Strain. Bro. This is my favorite. Leonardo DiCaprio is going to play Frank Sinatra and Martin Scorsese is going to direct him.

And in a biopic, or as Kristen would say, biopic, which I just, you you know pack the car but leonardo dicaprio couldn't i have to you know what you know what here's what i think it's gonna be so bad that's it i think it's gonna be so bad i love martin scorsese leon Leonardo DiCaprio's fine actor. I think this is the one that's just going to be, okay, no, we can't anymore, right? He might as well be playing Anne Frank. It's just too much. To think of Leonardo DiCaprio just start spreading the news. I mean, think about Leonardo DiCaprio. the nose i mean think about leonardo di caprio just wanna be a part of it think about leonardo di caprio you're martin scorsese i know you like working with leonardo di caprio but cast someone

you know who you got to cast the dopest brit actor of all time, you know? But no one knows. And no one knows. A theater guy. And you're like, and you see the movie and you're like, that was good. That guy must have grew up in the Bronx. And they're like, nope, Manchester. Liverpool.

It's going to be so bad. Start spreading the nose. It's so weird Leonardo DiCaprio is playing Frank Sinatra, bro. That's so... Like... Like, Leonardo DiCaprio in Denzel Washington, the movie. Leonardo DiCaprio in Denzel Washington as Denzel. And Denzel Washington's in it too, but he plays someone else. Bro,

Kid Cudi diving in stagecoach and breaking his ankle. Breaking his foot. I feel like stage diving is so fucking... It's the kind of thing...

It's like playing football without helmets anymore. Like, we know don't do it, but sometimes the music gets you, right? The music just gets you, doesn't it? And you gotta just stage dive. Although, if you're rapping, you don't have to stage dive. You have to stage dive if you're like ZZ Top

or like Ridge Gets a Machine. Because Kid Cudi, this is what happens when a 40-year-old man tries to prance around offstage like he's 26. Wow. I feel good. I'm 44. I feel good.

It's good that this is taking so long. Isn't that great? All right, here we go. Kid Cudi. Oh, I mean, the way he's even ooh Oh Fuck I Mean just the way he's even doing it. Oh

Fuck With that with that song, you know with that song, you know? Dude, the way he's... You can tell... I've never seen somebody obviously going to hurt themselves more with the preamble to the jump than this. I can't even...

Why is he walking like he's 60? That is so... Look at this. Okay, now. All right. All right, now. All right, now. Like, that's how we...

The bitch! The bitch! Oh, that sucks. He broke his fucking foot. That sucks. I'd be so mad. I'd quit music. That'd be it.

God, these concerts are so stupid, huh? Look how dumb it looks from this angle. Just so echoey and shit. And everyone's just like... Like... Look, just no regard for the health. Get up! You got this shit.

And then that, you know? The TMZ fucking thing. God, that sucks, dude. I met Kid Cudi once. What the hell? Where was that from? New Mexico is where it all started. Stop, stop.

Click off. Click off. I met Kid Cudi. How did I meet him? Was he in that movie Need for speed with aaron paul never tell somebody everything you may be educating an enemy oh that's for sure something mike tyson said fabrizio Brianza, again, always too long afterwards. I love when guys wear jackets like they're capes. Like when they don't put their arms in it

and they just walk around like they're fucking Superman. I have to start doing that a lot more. Wow, this is hilarious. Never tell somebody everything. You may be educating an enemy. This is hilarious. Never tell somebody everything. You may be educating an enemy. Him talking like that makes me hungry. Somebody said, never let your enemies dress you.

Oh, somebody said, what's with all the hate? Yeah, dude, I got news for you. That's the internet, bro. That's what I'm saying. If Marlon Brando was around the in back when twitter was on if twitter was back was around back when marlon brando was famous that's the thing you don't think about the shit right like harrison ford you're like oh everyone loves harrison ford no they didn't there were people literally in their basements like fuck harrison ford but had no keyboard you know and now it's just oh hey i got a keyboard fuck harrison Ford. Fuck all of them.

God damn it. Should we really have it? Should we really? I go on Twitter. I went on Twitter for the first time in a long time. Everything's porn. Dude, you go on Twitter, Elon Musk will tweet about a rocket, and then a girl will be under it saying, want to feel my pussy. I don't want to see either of these tweets. I want to see one of them. But it's just like, what is all the porn on Twitter? And people use Twitter, huh?

I started doing threads, and it's still a lot of toxicity in our city in our city but it's not it's not there's no porn on it you know because Facebook owns it Mark Zuckerberg dude alright that's good for now

I appreciate you guys and thanks very much that's it for the episode. If you want to get the rest of the episode, go to you. That's it for the episode. If you want to go to get the rest of the episode, the uncut, uncensored, extended episode, go on over to patreon.com slash crystalia. And you can also get the Brian Callen episode that we did last time. You can get that on our Patreon and a bunch of other stuff on our Patreon.

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