Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 378. The Anger Log

Episode Date: May 2, 2024

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Runk. All right. Well, I'll be in Augusta and North Charleston, among a bunch of other dates. Go to chrislea.com. I'm there next week, Augusta, or this week, Augusta and North Charleston. So get your tickets at chrislea.com.

And the special at chrislea.com and a bunch of other cities. And my Australian dates are on tour. I'm in New Zealand. So anyway, this is the next... What episode is it? 378 of Congratulations. Well, it is. Look, I, as you notice, I got this cowboy hat on.

I don't really, the rest of me isn't that cowboy right now, but the insides are. You know what I mean? I'm a, I went to stagecoach, dude. I went to stagecoach. And let me just tell you something, man. From years of making fun of festivals and Stagecoach and, you know, not even just Stagecoach, but just Ultra, making fun of Coachella. You know, my, my, and you know, if you've listened to the past few episodes, you know,

you know about me and going to Stagecoach and how it all came about. You know, my wife was like, I want to go. And I was like, oh, we'll see. And then Hardy hooked it all up and we went. You know, I don't even know. I guess I could tell the, you know, we get in the car Friday. It takes, and look, we're there for three days, okay? You go to a festival for three days, that's basically your job. You have a new job for three days.

And if you're not a singer, which you're not, I'm not, maybe you are if you're listening, but you're a festival goer and you work so hard there trying to have fun and also not have your legs collapse from under you because of either the dehydration or the wrong shoes. Okay? Now, I wore shoes I have. Okay? I wore shoes I have, which means I've worn them before, which means I've worn them quite a bit before. Yes, they're boots, and I've been in my boot era.

I've been in my boots era. I've worn boots before. I've worn boots on stage. All right? I've got red wings. I even had Yeezy boots. They're comfortable. my boot era i've been in my boots era i've worn boots before i've worn boots on stage all right i've got red wings i've got i even had yeezy boots which were so there's they're comfortable okay yeezy make comfortable stuff you got to understand yeezy makes comfortable stuff okay the first day i put my red wings on and boy was that country man i mean we're talking i look like arthur morgan right look like red dead, right? Look like Red Dead Redemption.

And I had a black hat. My wife dressed me, dude. And I'm cool with it. My wife is like, what do you want to wear? What should you wear? And I go, you dress me. Like putting her to it. And she says, really?

And I say, yup. She laid it all out on the bed. She says, which ones do you want to bring? And I go, yup. She laid it all out on the bed. She says, which ones do you want to bring? And I go, all of them. Brought all the hats. Brought all the shirts. Brought the t-shirts. Brought the pants.

And the boots. Okay? So I put them on. She's in the room, by the way. So I put them on. And we went Friday. I put the red wings on. So I put them on. And we went Friday. I put the Red Wings on, the Red Wing boots on. And I looked good.

I had a black sweater on. She was like, don't wear the sweater. I was like, well, you know, you put the sweater in the bag. So technically you did kind of, you know what I mean? You did kind of actually dress this. And so you shouldn't have put the sweater in the bag if you didn't. If I wasn't allowed to wear the sweater. So I wore the sweater.

And I, hold on my phone. Whoops. Let me turn the ringer down. I – the boots were fine. All good. Second day, I was like, you know what? I'm going to put on a different outfit. Denim on denim, dude.

Was killing it. Okay. Second day, put the Yeezy boots on. And Kristen's friends were like, those are cool boots. And I said, yeah. And you know what's great? These are Yeezy, so they're comfortable. When I had the word comfortable come out of my mouth, I thought, I wonder actually if this is true you know because

you walk all day by the end of the day my feet looked like a sarlacc pit dude my feet my the blisters i'll send you a picture of it so we can put it up right here. I took a picture of it. It is the biggest blister you've ever seen in the world. Oh, it's so pink, dude. The back of his heel is so pink, it looks like you can fuck it. Yay, dude, yay. Oh, dude. And guess what, man?

I'm disgusting. I'm disgusting for that. It bled. Dude, I told her, I said, man, my feet are bleeding. She was laughing. Like I was not telling the truth, but one thing I am is country and a truth teller. Okay. And I, and, and I took off my, my, my, my socks red talk about red, dead redemption, dude, dead. I mean, red. And then also, uh, the next day I put, I had to put on regular shoes i was not country anymore from my feet down i put on regular shoes took those shoes off the third day guess what so

fucking bloody disgusting put on four band-aids were soaked so anyway the picture of the uh the the blisters right here and i made a little face out of it too here. I sent it to her friends just as a joke. Let me just tell you, the country world, and now look, I know these guys, right? I don't know Morgan Wallen really. I met him this weekend, But I know Ernest. I know Hardy. I met Jelly Roll this weekend. All the dudes, all right.

And then a bunch of country singer, Sarah Evans. And I don't know what I'm doing there. Look, hey, I just put the hat on. And for a second I was like, am I fronting? But then I was like, it's kind of just like Halloween. Even when country music singers dress up, it's kind of Halloween for them too. Unless they're really on the ranch with a rope and a horse.

It's like, just wear sweats. You know what I'm talking about? So these guys, Hardy was nice enough to invite us, and it was so fun. His wife is absolutely amazing. He's amazing. The guy's such a talent. Like, I mean, they're all great they're all

on that stage for a reason you know earnest is great his voice is amazing he's a killer songwriter and uh we saw him too hardy's rock and roll you know and uh and country and i just love that dude i love that he's like you know really aggressive out there and it's cool to see man and i'm watching him and i'm going fuck yeah dude me too that's what i'm doing and uh whatever he's saying i go me too he says much you know i got up on the wrong side of the truck bed or whatever i go me too he said i made this rock song i go i go too. You know what I mean? Um, and, uh, so shout out to them really for making us feel great. Um, my, my wife did a, um, what, what do you call it? Shotgun beer with, uh, with Hardy there. It was real country, man. She's from North Carolina. Anyway, the first night, dude, we went

and we got there and it takes so long to get to the fucking festival. Dude, I don't know. The whole time I'm at the festival, I'm thinking, is this worth it? My feet, my top, my... I'm 44. My back... Dude, have you ever walked for more than like five hours?

Why? It destroys you. You ever been around and not sat down? I'm not even going to say walking. You ever not sat down for five hours? Hey, dude. Destruction. My lower back destroyed.

My legs destroyed. I'm in a river of red. My feet bleeding. Destruction. Oh, hey, destruction. It's about that five-hour mark. And I said to my friends, hey, is your body destroyed? And they say, yeah, kind of.

And I say, is it worth it? And they say, well, we had a good time, you know? And I say, yeah, but it sucks now. I'm destroyed. You ever been around without sitting down for five hours? Yo, as a 44-year-old, you can't do that. So the first night we were there, we were looking at Eric Church, we were watching Jelly Roll Killer, uh eric church we were watching jelly roll killer jelly roll killer um so good and um and we get back to the car and i'm like all right let's go we stay in the hotel 15 minutes away from the festival which you know i'm like oh this sucks i thought it was closer but because i'm like i know it's gonna hard. You think that's funny, babe?

She's laughing. 15 minutes sucks because you know it's going to take so long to get into the festival, right? Hey, do you ever park at a festival? You're not there yet. Do you ever park at a festival? You could be in a different city. Being real. Being real.

Being real. being real being real being real it's you're like oh i parked in one c but not in the city of the actual festival okay so so i went to uh so we got out we left and got in that car drove i i say hey night went off without a hitch I say to my wife hey put the address of the hotel in the in the in the thing so in the navigation so we can get there because I don't know where the hell I am I'm in Indio you know and she says okay

does it and by the way she does the thing where I like to use the car navigation because it's part of the car I'm driving the car I want to use the car navigation and she's always like no use Apple play because it switches to the you can't use the navigation because it's hard of the car. I'm driving the car. I want to use the car navigation. And she's always like, no, use Apple Play because it switches to the, you can't use the navigation because it's hard because we're using Apple Play.

We have to switch back to the navigation. I go, all right, fine. We'll do it your way. She clicks it. We go to the, you know, we're driving and they do the thing where they shut down roads, right? For no fucking, I don't give a shit

that there's a hundred thousand people there. They do it for, they do it it the cops do it just because they all there's a festival we gotta shut some roads down we gotta make it so they gotta go this way you know well they can't go this way now then because it's gonna be too easy and and they won't be they think we're fucking more they're too and we are right they're too dumb so make them all go this way siphon them all into this way siphon them so we're all getting siphoned you know and we go to uh we start taking a drive back to the hotel and we can't take a right to go to our hotel. So I go, oh, fuck, we got to go a different way. Cops are just, you know, doing the thing with their.

And I go, oh, fuck. You watch the cop go by as you drive by. Oh, fuck, that was my fucking exit. All right, whatever. I'll get it up there. It always goes right up there, too, you know. You get to the next one you go right then you get the next one you go right you make it a circle right and you go to the next one to make right which was the right you were going to make in the first place but now you're making the third right and you're going back to the place

that you wanted to go to it's blocked off so you go oh, oh, fuck. By the way, nine extra minutes, okay? So you go, oh, I can't make a right. What the fuck? But we need to take a right into the thing so we can take another right back into the place where I could go to the. Oh, fuck, okay. All right, you know, I'm going to keep going straight. I'll keep going straight, and maybe there's another way to do it. There were, I tried four different ways. Couldn't get to the hotel because it was completely

bucked off. Now I'm pissed. Okay. Now I'm already pissed. My feet hurt to heaven. Okay. And I'm like, this is absolutely terrible, but okay, whatever. I go to, um, I finally, i get to the point where i'm like i gotta ask this fucking cop like what the fuck dude okay and like it's a cop so i'm not gonna i don't get arrested you know and i'm like i'm sitting there is there a shooting or something you know why is everything blocked off roll down the window the cop hey hey excuse me sorry officer but we got to get in there which is the blocked off area and he says you you can't you're resident and i said well we're staying in there so i mean like we don't live there but the hotel the hotel's in there so we got to go that way he's like now you got to turn around go until you see the 111 and then take the 111 and that's how you get there and i say

the one all right you know you don't want it you're holding up traffic say okay then you look at the 111 where the where's the 111 oh the 111 is five minutes away so i'm like hey that's in my head i'm like that's the wrong what the fuck is this cop talking about all right what is this cop talking about so now we go up and turn around and take to the next left i'm trying to take a left back into the um to get to the hotel, the lady cop now, and another cop, there's a lady cop and another cop, and I say, hey, listen, he says, yeah, you got to turn around, I say, buddy, that's what the last cop said, we need to get in there, because we're staying in there, and they said, well, it's locked off till two, and oh, shit, it's only 1230, okay, so now, I'm like, for an hour and a half, we just got to be circling?

You know? So I try to go another way. The cop says, no, it's blocked off. It's blocked off. So, dude, I'm so, I am, imagine me in this situation. I just want to get home. I'm so tired. I call the hotel.

I said, Kristen, get him on the horn. It's the hotel's fault. They don't know how to get there. There's no access to get there. They should have prepped us, okay? Called the hotel. Dude, the way the guy picked up, hello, how may I help you?

I'm blood curdling. Like, don't, know something. Like, hey, bud, know something's up, right? Just, hello, how may I help you? Renaissance Hotel, we're, everything's all good. No, it's not, dude. Everything couldn't be more chill. We're absolutely chilltastic.

What's up? How may I help you? How may I help you enjoy your stay? I'm not enjoying my stay. In fact, I'm not even staying right now. I'm driving. I keep circling, so I try to try to calm you know because it's not the guy's fault right so i say hey buddy uh hey man um i gotta you know it's blocked off so uh how do

we get in to the hotel because everything's blocked off and the guy says excuse me and i say oh in my head, I'm like, we're going to play that game, okay. So here's the deal. We can't get to the hotel, so it's blocked off. So what's going on? How do we get into the hotel? Because surely we're not the first call

you've gotten about this, right? And he says, oh, no, I haven't heard about it. Now, I have to check if I'm dead, right? I have to check if I'm dead because I'm so pissed off, right? And I have to feel my pulse. And I say, yeah, but everyone's staying at your hotel. It's full. And I can't get there, which means other people can't get there, it's blocked off, so what's going on? And he said, I don't know.

And I said, so you know, so what is it? And he says, I don't know, there was a fire far away, but I don't think it's the fire. He says, is there a shooting or something? He says, I don't know. I say, hang hang up we hang up dude kristen's friend from the back seat after an hour and 15 minutes says i think wait hold on is the right address in the thing and i say what i say huh she's it's the right address in the and i was like what are you talking about she said

I say, huh? She says, it's the right address. And I was like, what are you talking about? She said, it's 444-000. I said, wait, look, dude, Kristen put the fucking address of the festival into the goddamn Google. Dude, she put the address of the festival when we were leaving the festival. Here's the kicker, dude. The parking was so far from the festival

that it just seemed normal. It was 15 minutes to the fucking festival from the parking space. Dude, and 15 minutes to the hotel, so I'm just driving, just circling the festival trying to argue with cops that i live in the festival no dude we it's blocked up i'm trying this fucking guy right who's that fucking did you see that sitcom actor trying to get it to the festival like

he's saying he lives there no we got to go in because we live there. We live under the stage. Dude, I was so mad. Then I go like this. No, well, that's not what happened. I said to my wife, dude, I yelled a little bit. It didn't seem like I yelled to me, but it seemed like I yelled to. Sometimes you do this thing as a guy where you don't think you're yelling but women think you're yelling you know and I get it if you're in a small car with them and you raise your voice it seems like you're you know you're yelling so you know it's all good and we got it

worked out we stay and we still had a great time um what I do when I got back to the hotel? Oh, dude. I was like, maybe I am yelling, you know, because her friends thought I was yelling too. And I was like, fuck, I'm outnumbered, you know. I was like, fuck, I got an anger problem. Crystal wasn't even in the room. She was with her friends because she was like, fine,

I won't even be near you. So I was like, okay, so I'm like in my room. And I fucking looked up straight up anger management classes like i was like i i maybe i'll just get into anger i imagine like well what could it hurt what could it hurt so i sign up for anger management classes dude and they're like text with us and i'm like oh this would be great i don't have to talk to anyone i just text with a person that's like gonna i could just say like and then this fucking happened yeah we were circling the festival for three could you believe for an hour we're so guess what the guess what the address was the address of the festival not the hotel the guy's just it's 3 a.m the guy on the other side yeah man we uh let's turn it in, huh?

They thought we lived in the festival. So, Hardy was nice enough to invite us and then we're driving around like fucking assholes. With my cowboy hat on, just like. So, so I'm like, all right, I'm going to sign up for the thing.

And you know, it does the thing where it's like, sign up for this thing free. And I'm like, ah, free. All right, I'll try it out.

Like just one, one more page away, you know, into your free classes. Oh shit. Click it. There was like four times that I had to click and then on the fifth one it said now 50 50 bucks if you want the thing to to talk to the person well i got so mad like

it it it made it worse hey you fucking crooks it made it worse so now i'm so pissed off then i got an app oh this is so funny then i got an app um hold on that's called quit anger and i and i and i and i and i paid for it it's a $10 app, like a fucking sucker, because I'm like, well, they pissed me off so much. The $50 thing pissed me off so much that I was like, I'm going to give the money to them. Okay, I'm getting an app, and they're being transparent about it,

so I'm buying it. So there's an anger log. Dude, this is the anger. So I logged my anger. I'm going to start logging my anger. So it says anger level. And I wrote nine. Dude, and Kristen's like,

you get stressed at a three. And I get stressed at a nine. And I'm like, no, dude, a three is a nine. She doesn't understand a three is a nine. So it says triggers. and i put relationship disputes that's what the one you can pick one of those that was the closest one and it says warning signs dude these are the warning signs like i don't you know how i know i'm angry i'm fucking furious i like warning like like who doesn't know they're angry when they're angry, when they're

angry, that's you, you feel like, you know, you're in that band. What's that band? Fucking slipknot, you know, uh, fat, this is warning signs, faster heartbeat. These are the ones I checked off being unable to relax. Okay. Here's the, These are the ones I checked off. Being unable to relax. Okay? Here's the third one. Feeling hot. Here's the fourth one. Resenting other people, which I was doing.

And they're not going to say anything. And they're not going to fucking yell at you with me? Okay. I get you're on her side. But you know she put the wrong fucking directions in. And how horseshit it is to put the festival direct to put the festival location when we're leaving the festival nobody opens their eyes yell at her please so then the fifth the fifth one feeling tense or nervous which i wasn't nervous i'll tell you that much. I was tense, though.

Then being easily irritated. And then did this one I like, tense muscles. And then the one that really drove it home, which I was like, oh, this is the one. Feeling overly critical of someone, which even when I clicked that one, I was like, well, I wasn't really overly critical, right? It was a big, stupid, fucking dumb, dumb mistake from a dumb, dumb dummy, right? She's not a dummy, but I, you know. Then it goes, response.

And this one you have to type in. So I'm like, I gotta be creative. I can't even pick one. Response. I raised my voice at my wife. Dude, I'm 44. I'm a successful comedian. And'm at stage coach and like we got all hooked up and i'm in the hotel bed alone i raised my voice at my wife is typing i raised my voice at my wife into a quit anger app that i paid ten dollars for and i just ate a fucking hershey bar too like a piece of shit

then it outcome then they make you type it in and i write it i write she was in dude i write she was embarrassed in front of her friends and so was i oh baby don't even all you're making it worse shut the fuck up straight up dude i put oh god man and i was a little embarrassed man because like you know women will do this thing that where they think yelling is like the same thing as getting trapped in a dungeon for a year you know and like whipped and like abused you know like he yelled at me and you got to be like, oh, you can't even be like, well, what'd you do nowadays? You know, if, if could you, every dude knows what I'm talking about right now. Dude, if your wife put the wrong fucking direction and just

let it ride for an hour and 15 minutes, she's a navigator. She's a navigator. I'm the driver. She's a navigator. And you,ator i'm the driver she's a navigator and you every dude knows what i'm talking about and in this day and age you can't even be like well what'd you do well what'd she do you know why because you're part of the problem right even though you know the problem is right every we're in a culture where people think that going from here to well well well then what well then what'd you do is straight up ike turner shit hey hey dude if you don't whisper during an argument you are an abuser so so so uh so now i'm like uh what was i even fucking saying right there what was i talking about i don't know

oh Oh, dude. That was crazy. I was heated. Yeah, I was heated. Okay, so earlier on in the day, the hotel was like, I understand you just wanted to relax, and so did I. I don't know. I feel more at home when I'm fucking my muscles are tense and the hotel she

wanted to be next to her friends she put the fuck it is this even a good podcast i don't even know but i'm just this is too much goodbye i'll go into some gratefulness after this but dude uh when we got there i found out my wife called ahead of time to say, hey, no stress on the king bed. Can we just make sure to get next week? Oh, no. Can we make sure to get queen beds? Because our friends are going to stay with us, which is fine. I'm fine doing that.

It was going to be us in a queen bed and then them in a queen bed, which is cool. Whatever. We're going to fucking party. So I didn't know she did that, though. And we're driving there. And she's like, I got to call them and tell them never mind because ali got a room and i go i say never mind about what she's like to switch back to the king bed because i had requested for two queens and i oh oh you fucked us oh congratulations you played yourself we're fucked we'll be lucky to be sleeping on a

cot you know? We're going to have to sleep in the lobby. Oh, this is great, dude. We'll sleep outside the hotel, right? Because, you know, you don't want to ask for anything extra, especially when you know it's going to be a sold-out weekend at a fucking hotel. They're going to fuck you, right?

And so she calls and says, hey, can I get the – can we actually get – never mind. Can you put a note on and say, never mind, we want the king bed? We get there. We get the thing. Of course, we have two queen beds next to the we're next to them though so that's cool at least we're next to her friends but we have two queen beds yay dude two grown adults sleeping in the queen bed yay that's okay but we're used to kelly king but it's all right

though dude but okay so now uh i say to her oh well this is kind of sucks maybe we could see if we get a king bed she's like okay let's go go down and see if we get a king bed but see if we can get one close to the friends and as i'm walking down i'm like this does she know how life works you want to just switch to a room on a friday a stage coach and a sold out resort that you you think that you could just get the next next people already in there dude people been fucking and showering okay so i go to i go to downstairs and i say hey buddy so look my wife called i didn't know she did this but she called and put a note in the thing about the two queen beds and then she called to say never mind and he says oh yeah no

i see the note about the two queen beds and i was like yeah well then she called and had a note in the thing about the two queen beds and then she called to say never mind and he says oh yeah no i see the note about the two queen beds and i was like yeah well then she called and had a note about the the never mind and i take that off the note and he said oh yeah well that's not in here i said well listen of course it's not because that's how things happen but she did and she ruined it and can we just make sure we get them and he says ah let me see dude they think the 10 minutes he's just, what is, for 10 minutes. He says, got you one. Boom. On another floor, okay, I go, hell yeah, king bed.

I go look at the hotel room. It's cool. It's cool. It's better, right? So now I'm like, all right, well, we're going to get in this one. Plus, they were probably going to charge me for the extra. we're going to get in this one, plus they were probably going to, you know, charge me for the extra, they were going to get away with some bullshit,

you know, so I go to, I go to up there, and I say, babe, got the king bed, she said, where is it?

I said, it's on the seventh floor, and she says, no, I want to be near my friends, dude, and I was like, I want to be near my friends. Dude. And I was like, how many times are you going to change this? And she was like, no, but I want to be close to my friends.

I said, okay, well, would you rather be close to your friends or would you rather be in a king bed? And as I said this, I was like, she's going to say she wants to be close to her friends. And I'm going to have to. to be closed to her friends. And I'm going to have to. I'm going to have to. I'm going to have to go back down. And I'm going to have to not yell, dude. This is so bullshit that I'm in this situation.

I'm going to go down again because something she created. I'm going to go down again, dude. created. I'm going to go down again, dude. And I don't get to yell about it because if I do, Mike Turner. If I yell, dude, I'm an abuser. So she's like, I want to be close to my friends. And I go, okay. Okay. I go, I leave,

I go into the elevator. By the way, the room, dude, is so cocksucking far from the elevator that I need a snack. Dude, it's so far from the elevator that I need one of those fucking sticks that I'm with the bandana tied with some snacks in there. I'm trying to keep it together.

And let me tell you something, dude. On the inside, I feel like I am. On the outside, I look like a behemoth. Right? I look terrible. Right? I'm just, I'm like anime going Super Saiyan. And I go back down and I say, hey, so listen.

I'm sorry, but. And I couldn't even be like, you know, women. Because the guy was fucking gay. You know? I wanted to be like, hey, bro. I don't know if you're married, but these chicks, because he basically was one, you know, so now I'm like, I can't even be mad to this guy, dude, hey, my, so, here's the deal, my wife sent me back down here, And she wants to actually have the first room that we got. I know.

And he says, oh, well, did you go into the second room? And I said, huh? And he said, well, did you look at the second room? And I said, why? And he said, because if you stepped in that second room, that's where you have to stay. You can't go back to the first room. Now that's the biggest horseshit of all of this so far. And guess what I did? I took so many steps in that room. I took so many. I walked around that room like I was going to purchase it as a condo.

I had my hands in my pockets and looking out at the view. I was like, this room really is better. And I said, oh, I didn't even. I looked at him and I said, well, I didn't even go in it. And he said, all right. What kind of fucking bullshit rooms by the way it's not even a rule because we went in the first room and you were going to change it so change it back so she knew i was heated i was trying to keep it together and i did kind of keep it together except for when she put in the fucking thing about the wrong address that was when i was like oh it's oh it's too much

can't yell at a woman though huh they'll write a whole blog about you can't yell at a woman you should be able to yell at a woman and you should be able to yell at a man and i you know what i wished when the address thing happened i was sitting there i had the thought this is how so fucking stupid i am i'm like i can't yell like i want to i wish it was my friend that did this i'm like i wish fucking mike was here so i could just be yelling at him at the top of my lungs and then we could go eat some fucking chicken or whatever you know dude i mean i signed up for fucking anger management classes you know all right guys let's take a break.

I want to talk to you about, look, it's tough to make a podcast. It's actually very hard. I got to get everyone together. We record it, do post-production. We put it all together and we release it every week. We do the Patreon stuff. You get the idea. I have to come up with topics.

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He was like, Willie Nelson. We're going he was like Willie Nelson we're gonna go meet Willie Nelson and I go oh shit really he's like yeah he's 91 I'm like oh my god I just saw a picture of Clint Eastwood he's 94 what the fuck does Willie Nelson look like and he said yeah you don't know how long he's gonna be around and I was like yeah no I know he's like I don't mean to be morbid I'm like no I get it this might be one of his last long he's going to be around. And I was like, yeah, no, I know. He's like, I don't mean to be morbid. I'm like, no, I get it. This might be one of his last concerts. He's like, come on, let's meet him. You got to wear a mask.

And I'm like, what? You got to wear a mask. He's 91. They don't want him getting COVID. I'm like, we're outside. All right, give me a fucking mask. Put the mask on. We get out there.

We're watching Willie fucking Nelson, dude. Now, I've heard Willie Nelson my whole life. My dad loves Willie Nelson, you know.

He's 91 and he's up there just, you know, in front of 70,000 people just playing the guitar, singing and shit. Kristen,

I'm standing with her and Hardy and Kristen just hits me and goes, hey, look, Kristen plays this game. We play this game. We're like, hey, look, it's Sylvester Stallone.

It's just some guy with muscles, you know? And we're like, ah, it's funny. She says, hey, look, next to you, Tim Cook, the CEO of Apple. And I look over and I'm like, hilarious. This is some older guy, you know, with a polo on. And then I'm like watching Willie Nelson and I'm like hilarious this is some older guy you know with a polo on and then i'm like watching willie nelson and i'm like wait a minute i'm at a place i'm like backstage this is totally a place where tim cook would be you know i'm, this is a place where the upper, like if I turned around and saw Busta Rhymes and Elon Musk, I would be like, yeah, this actually makes sense.

So I take a second look and I go, that is Tim Cook. I'm right next to him. I'm right next to Tim Cook. Okay. I'm like, Jesus Christ, I never thought I'd be next to fucking Tim Cook, you know? And I look over to my wife and I'm like, that is Tim cook and she was like i know i'm not playing the game and i'm like oh shit so we're sitting here watching willie and i'm next to tim cook watching such a fucking like that's so stupid dude that that's my life and and i and i and and we leave.

The shit that Kristen thinks of, dude. She says, I was like, I can't believe we were singing. We got to the question, Willie Nelson, that's crazy. That's crazy. Could be one of his last concerts. He's 91. He's a legend. We were on the stage with him.

And she says, yeah, that was crazy. You know what I bet? And I was like, what? She's like, how much? I bet a Chinese diplomat or like a government official from China would pay me like a billion dollars to switch bodies with me and be standing next to Tim Cook because you know he had an Apple Watch on and they could have like totally hacked it. Dude, that was the takeaway. And I was like, babe, what the fuck are you talking about?

And she was like, I mean, they could totally hack it. They probably have this stuff. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no. The switching bodies part for a billion dollars. Could you imagine? Just, ah, we know Chris and we have coordinates. You know?

We have coordinates. We got to go to, we either go to Chris D'Elia, he's a shitty comedian, or we go to his wife, might be cool. Let's do that. Next to Tim Cook, we have Apple Watch. Make sure to bring the mechanism to download all the stuff. Okay, do it. How much does it cost? A billion dollars?

All right, let's do it. Give it to the made-up bank account that nobody gets? Okay, put it out there. And then they just, okay, start mechanism. Next to Tim Cook,

there is Apple Watch wow this amazing Apple Watch wow then they're just like oh yeah roping in the wind it's like

wow that guy oh wow that's Willie Nelson I thought he died I guess we don't really know from China his music but but he's old. Oh, wow. Got to get that Apple Watch.

That's crazy. It's going to be one of his last shows. That's amazing. Whoa. Wait a minute. Got to get back on track here. Standing next to Hardy. Oh, yeah.

He's a big deal right now. He's up and coming. What the hell Kendall Jenner doing back here? Wait, hold on a second. I was here for some reason. I forget. Just blowing the... In China. We're about to blow the mission. We only have

limited time for a billion dollars. Oh, yeah, that's right. Okay, sorry. Oh, I have tits. I got tits standing next to Hardy What the He actually really good We don't listen to too much country Over in China

He's sitting down cause he 91 Wait wait wait, wait. Where the fuck? Oh, where Tim Cook go? Shit, got lost in the music and the atmosphere. 70,000 people. Wow. Ah, shit, where Tim Cook go?

He gets back. You fucked up. I know, but it was amazing. Have you been to Stagecoach? We have to listen to country. Willie Nelson on the guitar wow he's standing right there oh no wait oh okay i'm here oh yeah okay i'm right here let me get mechanism wait a minute is that willie nelson on the guitar hold on i didn't know wow look at that sea of people and the fellas were back there Is that Willie Nelson on the guitar? Hold on.

I didn't know. Wow, look at that sea of people and the fellas were back there. I fucked up, guys. We could have destroyed America. Instead, I was listening to Willie Nelson. It was so good. Anyway, I saw Tim Cook. There were these women in the front row

because we could see the people and the people could see us. We were on the side of the backstage and there were these people in the front row, these younger Mexican women. And they're just like you know waving to me like you know and um in front of me is tim cook and he's just like looking at these mexican women and he's like and i i mean he doesn't know who I am so he's like uh

and he starts waving to the women and I'm like oh fucking Tim Cook is intercepting my fucking fans and I just didn't wave I'm like no matter what happens I can wave and then on the way back I was talking and my wife was like well I don't know I mean they could have been waving at Tim Cook and I was like that is

those people do not know at Tim Cook. Those people do not know who Tim Cook is. Just two people in the front row at a stagecoach just sweating. They've been there for five hours. I want to leave, but I got this space. Tits all up against the

rail. It's so so weird just sweating so hard 9 000 blisters um yeah dude went to stagecoach man rocked it love it i'm a country guy man i'm gonna start listening i'm gonna start listening to more country. Was there for Morgan Wallen. And, you know, he's a cool dude. God, he's huge, huh? He was, there must have been 120,000 people out there. Comedy doesn't do that, you know. Music really touches people.

Like, it's crazy. I was out there listening to, Reba McEntire was out there, and I was out in the pit just, like, watching Reba McEntire like I'm not Chris D'Elia, and I was watching it. And Miranda Lambert was there. Miranda Lambert. And Miranda Lambert and Adam Sandler. Miranda Lambert and Adam Sandler and Pampers.

And so, so I go to the, I'm looking at them and I'm watching my wife having a great time and shit. And then like, I'm like, wow,

I'm looking at Reba McEntire and I'm looking around and I'm seeing like, really like, you know, young, cool people, pretty women, good-looking 60-year-old men, older or like middle-aged like troglodyte-looking people, like just fucking ugly like dregs, you know, like where you're like is that java the fucking

hut and uh it's just bringing everyone together you know no matter how many teeth you have and like that's a beautiful thing like music brings you together one of the most beautiful things about music is it brings you together no matter how many teeth you have you know like you could have a fucking mouthful of beautiful off-white veneers that look natural and you could be standing right next to somebody who has who is 50 years old with three teeth and they haven't brushed them since they were 42. And you're just both there because of the chain smokers. You know? Like that's the most beautiful thing about music. It really is.

I'm looking around and I'm just like, wow, Reba McEntire, I can't believe it. She's 135 years old and she's up there doing her thing and everyone from young to old is just, you know, whatever song she's singing. I blew up his car on fire. You know what I mean? Whatever the fuck every female country song has to be like.

And that's when I stab him in the eyes. That's when I fucking rip the dick off. That's the last time. down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, he'll take my beer, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, it's like, whoa, this is not, the fucking punishment doesn't fit the crime. He yelled at me in the car a little louder than his normal voice, he's an abuser, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, ripped the dick off, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, now gargles his balls, that was the last thing he saw, blew his car up on fire, down, down, down down down down down down down down down down down down now gargles his balls that was the last thing he saw blew his car up on fire down down down down

down took my keys to his car put him in his anus and fucking made him sit down down down down down down down down down down down um put him over some hot put him over some uh put him over some hot raked him over some hot coals because he looked at me sideways right there i was in my chevrolet you know um so we're watching reba mcintyre and it's great man and mir Miranda Lambert kills it dude like I understand it's not my music but dude they're killing it I love when to see professional musicians the the number one reason why I like to see professional musicians then this is the truth is I love to see them in between their lyrics I love the the the the the the the mechanism that they have in their head where they're just like,

where you see for a split second behind their face, they're like, on a day's work, you know? They're just like, they'll be like, I fucking, you know, I ripped my man's dick off. And then they just go like this. And you see them, you see their face. And before the next line, it's just like, you see them and their face. If you took a snapshot of the face, they could just be at a cafe somewhere just chilling. And then until they hit that, because it raised his voice, you know, I'm just like, that is

the, that's awesome, dude. I love that shit. know i'm just like that is the that's awesome dude i love that shit um so we had these wristbands you know that you kept getting like in stagecoach they kept getting you kept you keep getting there's like 900 different tickets you can get it's and they give you a wristband you know what wristband you have on it just gets you into v areas and shit or not, right? And the wristbands we had were the best ones, you know, because we were the artist's guests, right? We had the artist pass. And so, like, we just kept going into different levels.

We would, like, go in, you know, because the fucking, we park 15 minutes away, and then there's doors. You got to go through the doors. You got to see if your wristband, boop, okay, good. We go, boop. You keep walking, boop.

Oh, we keep getting further and further, boop. We're pretty sure you can be the core of the earth. You're like, it's getting fucking hot, you know, boop. And there's fucking Ernest, you know, in the middle of it,

just burning alive. Oh, cool. Luke Grimes. This is great. It's hot. Right? Why is he, Just burning alive. Oh, cool. Luke Grimes. This is great. It's hot. Right? Why is he?

He's a country singer or an actor? I don't really understand. Oh, he's on Yellowstone, so he's got a country album. Okay. Okay. That'd be like if Johnny Palo had a rap album. But okay. Okay, that's fine.

And so... okay okay that's fine um and so uh so we get we get into the level we get into the diamond saloon you get into that part then you get into the uh the the the artist area and then you dude you don't even get that's not you think oh this is the artist compound this is where all this is dude you need another level to get on stage, okay? So you walk into the festival. Trog-la-dites, okay? You walk into the festival. You park.

You get out of the car. You see somebody that Jabba the Hutt would be like, somebody that job of the hut would be like, ew, ha ha ha ha, about. Ew, ha ha ha, you don't work out, ha ha ha ha. You know? And I wouldn't even eat you. So you go into the next level. You know, people that would be at Universal Studios.

All good. You get into the next wristband level. Regular people where you're like, okay, these people would be like people that maybe would be on the cover of like a Spanish textbook or something. Or maybe not a cover, but like an inside flap in a wheelchair. You're like, yeah, okay. Si, de ruidas, sure.

And then you go into the next one, attractive people. Interspersing, you're like, wow. Then you get into the artist compound bro hey dude there's guys i'd fuck in there okay and dude they got chicks that that are just like you want to be like just six foot tall big lips look like you want to be like hey did they just make you like the out at stage coach just in the oh wow this is this what life is like you know and then you go on to the back of the stage dude i fucked a guy the dudes all look like cindy crawford's husband you know and the women look like hot jar jar binks with big boobs you know just like totally like whoa alien chicks but where did you come from and uh it's crazy how much better looking stuff gets when you get to the core of the earth when the money when you get to the dude. It is wild. I just, we were at, um, Ernest's birthday party and Wiz Khalifa was

there for some reason. Wiz Khalifa is like country. I don't know. Like, you know, like Post Malone and Wiz Khalifa all of a sudden are just like, ah, psych. You know? Wiz Khalifa is nine feet tall and was there. And it's, uh. I got imposter syndrome, man. Because I'm like, oh, dude, I don't want to meet him. He'll hate me.

You know? I need to go on my... I need to log that in my anger app. But yeah. It was cool, man. Those houses near the fucking... I guess that's a destination, Indio? Was that... Oh, yeah. his kid did the cutest thing ryman earnest kid did the cutest thing i was like all right buddy well i'm gonna go and i went to go give him a a pound and he goes like

this he comes up to me and hugs my fist and i'm'm like, oh my God. And then he puts my fist to the side and hugs me. And I was like, oh my God, that's so cute. I miss my kids. I can't believe how nice fucking country people are. It's wild. Those are my, I want to be a country artist, man. I'd be so bad at it, dude. I don't know how they sing so hard and so good and loud, you know,

and do it night after night and just killing it. Because I'm like, you know, I was talking to Hardy. I was like, dude, how do you do this? It's so crazy you can do this. He's like, we do the same thing. And I'm like, nah, really, dude. I'm just doing jokes. But, like, to put a whole song together and have to keep singing it

and sound good, and he was like, I mean, I guess it's just, you know, I don't do that and he doesn't do what I do, but like, it's just, that's such a talent to do that. Like I joke around about how I don't listen to, I mean, I don't listen to music, but I joke around about how like, I don't ever want to be listening to music. I mean, I don't ever want to be listening to music,

but you know what I mean? Like it's so, it's such a talent and it really brings people together, man. When I was standing there looking at Reba and all the troglodytes and also talking to people who were just dancing with her, I'm just like, wow, that's great. And I never wanted to be a singer. I never wanted to.

They always say comedians wanted to secretly be rock stars and they're just comedians because they can't be rock stars. I was like, that's not true. And it's still not true for me. But you see Morgan Wallen up there and like hardy and earnest and all those dudes and they're just playing in front of jelly roll in front of a hundred thousand people and you're just like they're singing their his songs you know it's a weird world bro because you're like to see both sides of it to see that because i still you know

i i understand i'm a comedian and i know that like of it to see that because i still you know i i understand i'm a comedian and i know that like yeah look i have fans and i have you know people think i'm a celebrity and shit and like but like to be on the celebrity side of it like i don't think of myself that way so i still like think of myself as like look i shouldn't be here you know and and then i'm like dude everyone else thinks that too you know like machine gun kelly and megan fox were there maybe they think that too you know like megan fox the most famous fucking person in the world and then she's like and and she she's actually said she listens to the podcast, which is so fucking cool. She was super nice. The two of them are really cool.

He's got those sleeves and a chest. I was like, bro, how did you do that? I'm like a pussy with my little airplane tattoo. But, yeah, Megan Fox is super nice and shit. And I'm just like do they feel like they should be there I don't know I understand like there's quite a few steps from

me to a lot of these other stars but like I'm like it's so fucking weird to be there to be there because you're also just like there's that there's that whole thing where it's like this is the life to be there, to be there. Because you're also just, like there's that whole thing where it's like,

this is the life, this is the desirable. You get to like hang out with all these people. You get to like be in the club, you know? And I know what it feels like to be in the club and out of the club. And ultimately it's not what's important. What's important is like family and friends. And it's so weird to think of like, I'm just fucking,

the difference in being here and there is a hundred feet, you know? And people can let it go to their heads. Be like, I'm an artist. I'm in the artist lounge. I'm in the fucking, I got the wristband or whatever. It makes me start to feel so weird about it, dude.

I start to feel so weird about it. So, you know, you just go back to like, wow, I'm really grateful. You know, I'm really grateful. Like, this is cool. I'm at the place where people who are at the top of their game are doing their thing. And I get to experience it in a different way. And I get to experience them as a person. And I get to see kind of like behind the scenes of it and like how they work and how they do it and how professional they are.

And it's really cool. And just everybody, like shout out to everybody who was there. Like Hardy's team is amazing. Taylor and his wife Callie and just like the other band members were just like so hospitable. And like it was inspiring actually. It really was inspiring. It was inspiring to see these guys do that and you know morgan wallen and earnest and jelly roll and i don't do that you know i fucking go up and

tell dick jokes to way less people but it's just like um it made it inspired me to be nice and good and make people feel good because they really made me feel good, dude. And they made my wife feel good. It's so cool. I just feel really grateful. And I don't know. Is that corny to say? I mean, I know it's not. I know. I get it. People think I'm't know. Is that corny to say? I mean, I know it's not,

you know, I know, I get it. People think I'm dicks, like I'm a dick because I'm on a podcast always complaining, but like that's not, I mean, I don't understand. That's funny, but that's all not.

Like I'm also like the other way. Like people just walk up to me like that old Eddie Murphy joke where people are like, hey, fuck you. Like people just come up to me and be like, fuck you, bro. You up to me and be like fuck you bro you know he's just like okay i don't know oh i should call you know what it's david sullivan's birthday

um it's david sullivan's birthday. I'm going to call him. He's not going to pick up. If he doesn't pick up, that's embarrassing for me. How do I? Are you still a stage coach, boy? Yeah, I'm a stage coach boy hey hey listen i'm putting i'm on the my podcast but i am calling you because it's your birthday and i wanted to do this on the podcast and say happy birthday dude oh man that's nice of you yeah man dude am i okay let me tell you something man i was that stage coach that fucking place opened my eyes dude guess what i am right now are you a cowboy i'm country and i'm a nice boy you're country yeah you're a nice boy because you you never call me dude especially

you're changed huh i'm i'm so good and like i i'm so happy with how great Stagecoach made me. Yeah? Yeah, man, and I'm just calling you to say happy birthday. I know you're country through and through, man, and we're just both crazy country, man. Dude, we're both crazy country now, aren't we? Yeah. I mean, I've been a little country myself,

but you just turned country this weekend. Which means I probably got more country than you because I'm like crazy. You're like probably deluded from all the living of you know like the life me i'm just in it i'm a newborn and i'm just so soaking it in dude man even your voice is different why am i so great right now oh gosh i mean you sound like you're from the hills of arkansas exactly southern georgia exactly boy now here's what we're gonna need to do dude you're from the hills of Arkansas. Exactly. You might be in southern Georgia. Exactly, boy. Now, here's what we're going to need to do, dude.

You're in Texas right now, right? I am. All right, you're going to need to leave and come back, and we need to watch some movies late at night, man. I don't want you to be there anymore. I'm at my brother's this week, and then I'm going to go see my mom probably next week, and then I'll be back probably like Tuesday or Wednesday.

So, we'll watch some movies. Stop running from something, man. You you're always traveling you're running from something no man i'm always running to things not from things it's so country to have a saying huh like that yeah man i'm just running to it all right all right you're running to it huh well i just i wanted to wish you a happy birthday and uh you know and say i love you bud and uh i'm country too dude yeah Keep saying nice things. Let's see how many nice things you can say. All right. I'm sure I'll be... Happy birthday. Anything else?

No, I'm sure I'll be pissed off by the time you get back here. All right, buddy. I'll talk to you later. All right. See you, bro. All right. See you. Congratulations, very own David Sullivan. Young Gravy was there too. He's so tall

I gotta post the pictures I already posted a picture to pictures of stagecoach and I didn't get the pictures of Young Gravy yet and now I just got them so I'll post them later

I feel bad and I didn't post the pictures of Willie Nelson whatever who cares yeah well thank you very much guys that's it for the episode if you want to watch the rest of the episode

not on YouTube on Patreon go to patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia and you can watch the whole rest of the episode and sign up for the Patreon and we got that Brian Callen episode that's up too you can sign up for the Patreon we got stuff on Patreon every month we have an extra episode on Patreon so go check it out, guys. Thank you very much.