Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 379. Get Pink

Episode Date: May 9, 2024

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Runk. Yeah, I'm ready to do it, guys. It is time for the congratulations podcast episode, whatever episode it is. So welcome welcome one and all to congratulations the next place i'm going to be is st petersburg florida and it might be sold out. I'm not sure. But it's going to be on and popping. You know what? I think that Florida, that whole area, actually all of Florida is absolutely awesome. It's just awesome. And I always do well there. And I love Florida, except I always do well there, except for Miami Miami because Miami always has nine trillion things to do. But we still play Miami. Sometimes I'm going to come down to Miami at some point.

But St. Petersburg is where it's at. And I have my Australia dates that are up. So you can go check that out. And I have, let's see what else i got going on guys don't skip forward don't don't be skipping forward be respectful irvine california irvine california i'm doing that uh at the end of i don't know some sometime june may may uh and then i have the lifeline show that i'm doing uh with my brother Irvine, so go to chrisley.com. Oh, yeah, Chattanooga and Charlton, West Virginia.

I hear Chattanooga's nice. I hear it's got nice outside things to do. That's what my buddy tells me, but who knows? Green Bay, Des Moines, and then Auckland, New Zealand. New Zealand, mate. Yeah, I got it in New Zealand. So, yeah, so that's just a little bit Of what's going on in the travels of Crystalia

I went to Dude I was on the plane the other day and we were texting In a group chat and my brother was like where are you flying from And like where are you flying home from And I was On the plane And I couldn't remember So there we go so I'm at that point in my life

And I like that Because it makes me feel like I work real hard if I don't know where I am because I'm a touring comedian. And it is kind of the truth. If I don't know, it's like that fight club when he's traveling so much at the end because he's trying to get in a plane crash because he keeps traveling and traveling to different places. That's how my life is. But, yeah, I was in Augusta and North Charleston, South Carolina. North Charleston, South Carolina, which I don't think should be words you say together. How about that? North Charleston, South Carolina. I've said this before, I think on this podcast, I don't like the North. If you call a place north something, and then there's no south something,

or east or west. It has to be all four if you're going to call it something, right? But the problem is maybe there's nothing over there, right? Like if you've got Charleston, then you've got north Charleston. Maybe south Charleston is just, people call it Charleston, right?

But if it goes below, maybe there's nothing there, right? Or to the east, maybe it's just a field. You know what I'm saying? So this is all stuff that we have to think about. But I did go there. Augusta is not my market. Yes, dude!

Augusta's not my market. Neither is North Charleston. Yes, dude! So I had a lukewarm weekend. Yes! But I will tell you this, though. The crowds were awesome. And by it not being my market, I mean it just didn't sell out.

But that's okay. Hey, dude. I am not the kind of person that gets his self-worth from everyone telling him he's funny. Is that a lie? Yes. Okay. But do we work at it in therapy? and does it help no but it's all good right it's all good because it doesn't help at all and so um so yes it makes me feel bad so it's all

good um but then you go to places like florida and you sell out and you do places like victoria bc sell out you do places like anywhere in canada you sell out okay okay okay okay, you do Seattle, you sell out, you say, okay, okay, okay, it's all good, but yeah, so I was in Augusta, and people are just like, in Augusta, well, Augusta has places that are, so many businesses, you know, it's one of those places in the south, well, it's one of those places, they're not just in the South, but it's the Southern version of, like department stores that you'd go in and you'd find suits that D.L. Hughley would wear in 1993. And they're all too big, you know,

even on the mannequin. And like the mannequins are sagging and you're like, who the fuck is this for? And when's the last time anyone's been in this store, and it's called Faze or something, and there's just a guy vacuuming in the front of it, and you're like, why are you vacuuming, right? Nobody's coming in, and even if they are,

they don't give a shit if there's dust, because the place absolutely sucks, right? And D.L. Hew came in here was deal hughley and bernie mac and so uh and this is all good but those are the last people that came in here and they bought hats you know um so it's in augusta and augusta's crazy dude augusta's one of those places look at the straw i got spooky halloween straw spiral because Calvin likes it. Remember these straws? The silly little swirly straws? As a kid, I used to think they were fantastic.

And now I don't like them, and I'll tell you why. It takes longer to get to my mouth. And it actually is a trick on my brain. I know how fast the liquid goes from the bottom to the top of the straw. And on this one, I don't. So it plays a trick on my brain. I know how fast the liquid goes from the bottom to the top of the straw, and on this one, I don't, so it plays a trick on my brain, and I don't like to play tricks on my brain. Anyway, Augusta is one of those places that is, and I don't, look, it's not my market.

I don't want to bash it. Everyone's like, oh, you're going golfing. If you're going to Augusta, you're going to golfing because the Masters are there, right? Well, okay, now I'd even if a place is only good because of golf, then you think, okay, well, there's other places that are, you know, it's got money.

Not downtown. I'm sure the places, you know, a little bit away are nice. But downtown, first of all, is it racist that they call it the Masters Tournament? Is that like a thing for? Because anyway, you go to Augusta, it's just one of those places that feels racist, okay? And the reason why is because i i found out when i was there i was only there for you know 24 hours but this the statues there's statues there that are still there that you're like why didn't they knock these down yet like you remember when they started

knocking down statues of like i don't know where i fall on that like you know it is kind of weird to have like you know you got the people who are in the towns that are like you don't get rid of these statues this is history and it's like yeah but dude was scalping you know what i mean right right right right right it's it's history but dude was hanging and scalping do you know what i'm talking about right right right right right like we get its history but he was lynching and scalping am i right so it's like and i'm not talking about tickets so it's like uh yeah scum on head so he so it's like but but but but he was splitting wigs do you know what i mean right so so take this so so i understand why you want the statute down because you want to be reminded of getting your dome piece taken off

right and that's all good because two things you don't want to be reminded of in your ancestry if this has happened is getting hung and also getting your dome piece ripped off right now and that's just baseline okay so i'm looking at statues and i'm finding these statues and all the things this is what I don't like about statues. This is the main thing I don't like about statues, okay? That there's always some bullshit phrase on like the thing that the guy's standing on that you read and you literally never know what it means. You know what I'm talking about? And you literally never know what it means. You know what I'm talking about?

It's like over the ocean where we came from, the light harkens down. And that, alas, will be where we settle. And you're like, okay. And it's just some dude like holding a flute. And you're like, what the fuck? Who is this? And then someone's like that's james madigan the third he was you know he started with a violin shop and then he and you're like uh and then and you're like oh really and you're like yeah yeah yeah oh and he also lynched in uh and uh and uh

and scalped oh okay so it wasn't really just about violin shop yeah but we don't you know we like this statue and it's really a lot of people they lynch and scalp yeah but he had a violin store and i yeah that overshadows the violin store thing man he was a violin maker would he sell it to blacks no oh okay why not well they weren't allowed in his store because he you know he lynched and scalped so um okay but there was a thing in augusta outside of one of those fucking deal hughley hat places that was like had like four statues on it and under it it said it literally said something like a white society will be the greatest thing that yada yada and then the next thing it said under it was something like

all else will fail if not and and something like that and i was like oh and i was like well certainly it doesn't mean hey hey look i'm white and i don't buy a lot of the shit that people say is racist that it's not racist you know and i think it can be racist against white people i don't like when some people are like well you actually can't you ever meet that person that's like you actually can't and it's always a white person you actually can't be racist against white people and you know why because they're not oppressed and it's like i yeah but i you know it's like you can't tell me amanda seals is not racist you know what i'm talking about so it's like i watched a little bit of her on a Shannon Sharpe interview and I was, you know, I don't know. I don't want to diagnose people, but she's a lunatic. And so you, but, you know, maybe she's not. She's cool. I'm sure. She brought me up one time on stage as a white guy. So that's cool. But, you know, I wasn't even talking about it.

So I'm like, surely you can't have this statue up. And also, it can't be racist, right? It's not racist. And then I stood and I looked at the statue and I realized it's just definitely racist and just still up. You know? I was trying to make excuses for it. I'm like, man, I got to knock this shit down, huh? Then I went and got a coffee.

And let me tell you, I got two coffees in Augustusta and the shit was so good dude who knew that they had really good fucking coffee and guess what dude one time i went to a bar and got a coffee and it was mad good dude um anyway enough of that you know north charleston was good We had a good time. But it's not, you know. What's up with this Drake, Kendrick Lamar beef? I don't, I just, they've each made 46 songs and it's like, dude, I'm just like, I know I'm 44, and I'm just, I'm listening to this shit, and I'm like, while I'm listening, I'm like, these guys need to stop. Like, I'm just like, oh, you guys are just being really rude. You guys are being so rude, it's too much.

And don't say all that stuff about each other. You know? Like, when Kendrick's like, I'm a hater. I hate you. I don't like you. It's just like, oh, God. And then he calls them all this, like, and some of it's corny, right? Some of it's corny because they're just, at the end of the day, they're rhyming.

You know what I'm saying? At the end of the day, you're basically a hyped up gangsta version of Sesame Street. Do you know what I'm saying? At the end of the day, you do what Snuffleupagus does. Do you know what I'm talking about? Do you know what I'm talking about, Drake? You know what I'm talking about, Kendrick Lamar? You know what I'm talking about, you guys who battle rap? Yeah, but it's for the culture. Yeah, it is for the culture, but you Snuffleupagus. Snuffleupagus, is it? What is it? Snuffleupagus? Okay, well, whatever it is, it's stupid.

Snuffleupagus. It's for kids, but it's like some of it's kind of corny because it's like, yeah, it's hardcore and you hate each other and you're a hater and you're bringing up issues and Drake says he's planting information and Kendrick is like, yo, but you have a daughter that's 11-year-old just for no reason, you know? And then Drake's's like haha i told somebody on my camp to tell you that i had an 11 year old daughter so you would use it so we knew that you would do that and you're like this is all just too convoluted man hey hey hey guys stop hey guys you're both super rich just make songs you don't need to be so you're rhyming dude you do

songs you don't need to be so you're rhyming dude you do what snuff a left biggest does you got a red trunk you got four red legs and a red trunk and pop out eyeballs no dude just fucking stuff yeah but i hate you one time you locked your keys inside your car for an hour and a half that's so annoying and irresponsible it's like dude and then when and then when kendrick lamar does that shit like like he's rapping like he's like doing a voice and it's like hey guys guys guys guys guys guys calm the fuck hey relax dude drake's like and then i wonder why you're so obsessed with me and i would never have sex with a minor and then it's like but wait a second i was talking to my mom and i was like mother i mother i oh wait a minute then i had a thought and it all made sense and it was like okay i realized that it was like you were molested as a kid and that's why you're

so obsessed with all this pedophile stuff i would have been arrested if i was a pest and you're just like what the fuck hey guys guys guys guys guys can you make a song about just do a song about how you got a plane do a song about drake air you know i swear to god i would have been arrested. I'm way too famous for that. It's like, what? What is happening, guys? Hey, hey, you're snuffleupagus, dude.

Hey, you're a care bear. You're rhyming. Hey, dude, you're alone in a booth yelling at a microphone you know and then people are like oh at home in their houses or in their car and i love i love dude i love i love people who are like at first listen you know these these were the bars that hit and it's like yeah it's like yeah it's like yo dude fuck this motherfucker i'm so mad i'm so mad at this dude for saying stuff about me check this out range and change you're rhyming just kill him at this point you You know, fight each other. Do a celebrity boxing match.

Nah, dude. Instead of that, you know, box ox. Box. Crawl brawl. Hell yeah, man. Hell yeahwl Hell yeah Hell yeah Hell yeah Some of you are like Hell yeah

Crawl Brawl Yeah Oh shit He's going Yo that's going to be Fucking crazy Oh Hell yeah

Fuck him What Hey Headshed Oh yeah Oh yeah Fucking made those Two words rhyme right

Yeah Oh shit man Oh man Oh man Oh what did he say Oh fuck this motherfucker Hey Yeah, fucking made those two words rhyme, right? Yeah, yeah. Oh, shit, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, what did he say? Oh, fuck this motherfucker. Hey, sonic bionic. Oh, shit, dude.

Oh, he's going to hear that later. He will hear that later. Oh. Oh. 11-year-old daughter brought her. Oh, dude, he's going gonna hear that in a little bit oh oh it's just like dude and some songs and it's just like too long dude like the one of the kendrick lamar put out a song that was like six minutes and 19 seconds or six minutes and 60 seconds and then it was like and then he was like And then it was like, and then he was like, and then it was like, it leaked out. He

was like, yo, you're lucky I didn't release the 19 minute version. Hey dude. Yeah, no shit. We're lucky for that. Hey dude. Thanks for a, thanks for not sending out the director's scut. Thanks for just, thanks for just cutting cutting it thanks for producing it a little better and not sending out hey dude hey kendrick we want the snyder cut of your fucking it's it's it's a rap it's cars facing, not Oppenheimer. It's fan man, not flowers of the killer's moon. Um, I saw flowers of the Killer Moon, dude. Killers of the Flower's Moon.

Killer of a Flower's Moon. Whatever, dude. Honestly, change that. Change that title. It's too confusing. When I go to a movie, I want to know 100% what the title is. I don't want to fucking think about it at all. I want know what it is blue steel yes blue chips or whatever that movie was i didn't know blue chips from uh you know the one movie where they tried to make christian layton do a

part in it whatever the shack movie you know what i'm talking about god damn it i fuck up everything it doesn't matter i was thinking of the i was thinking of the what's the movie with martin lawrence uh blue streak blue streak you know just where you're going to see blue streak flowers killer flower flower you know it's just like anyway congratulations salutations, dude. That's what you're doing. You're not the Godfather Part 2. Anyway. I, uh, so yeah, just, I don't know.

It's like enough, guys. Stop. Just stop. Hey, dude, it's Chris enough guys. Stop. Just stop. Hey dude, it's Chris Thalia. Stop. I just want you to stop. I love how Kanye West tried to butt in and like, no one gave a shit. Kanye West was like, yeah, but both of y'all got small penises. And people were just like, no, no, no, no, no. It's okay. It's about them. And then J Cole said he's sorry. And J Cole is so happy now, dude. When J Cole said he's sorry and jay cole is so happy now dude when jay cole said he's sorry i was like what is that the right thing to do yes didn't know until now hey dude because you can't stop after two songs you know if if kendrick comes it has there should be rounds

it should be three you could do three at most. The Kentucky Derby happened, and I was in the South when the Kentucky Derby happened, and it was like you would have thought the fucking— In L.A., it's like when the Oscars happened, dude. Hey, the Kentucky Derby fucking sucks, okay? Look, and I don't care if you want to watch horses run around in a circle. Take those fucking hats off you got like a chair on your head you know hey dude you have like a fucking i mean the hats are just like an straight up an arm coming out of it, you know, like someone's arm. Yes. Just so such a fuck you to everyone who makes less than like, you know, millions of dollars a year. I have someone's arm

on my head. You fucking piece of shit. Oh, look, the horses are running. I asked Kristen how much a horse was just because we were watching Yellowstone and she was like, oh, it says here anywhere between $3,000 and $15,000. So I was like, really? And they were like, yeah, but that's just with none of the bells and whistles. And I'm like, what? What do you mean? You're going to give them a spoiler on it?

Oh, dude, do they have power windows? I think she meant if they didn't have, have like you know pure i don't know what the fuck who cares i would always be mad at the chicks who had horses there's always like one chick in your high school that had a horse you know and you're like where the fuck does she keep it i know that this doesn't relate a lot of people don't relate to this but there's always that one chick that like was the horse girl though that was like into horses like maybe she didn't have a horse but she would go riding you know and she wasn't hot but she had all the things that like a hot person has you know dude hell yeah she did but it didn't work for her you know like a lot of

people have all of the fucking features of an ugly person but when you put them together it makes the person kind of cool looking aka me say what you want something about me i got a big no i got bad no you take any one of my features out you go that's from an ugly guy throw it all in together and you go okay okay right you know i'm in business okay but some people have all the makings of a hot person and you put it together and they look just you're like nah something's off and now you got to be relegated to horse girl and i don't mean that's how you look you don't look like a horse i'm just saying you're relegated to the person who's like the outcast that's like going around talking about how they ride horses and nobody in high school really gives a fuck about that you know um and and honestly we i think the thing is we just need to stop doing

things like kentucky derby no no it's not about that we have to stop dressing like assholes kentucky derby met gala um i don't know. Other shit like that. You don't talk about Met Gala, dude. I was watching the thing on, I was on Instagram and I was, you know, the Met Gala stuff come up. I was looking at an account that had Met Gala stuff. I didn't even realize it was a joke account.

They weren't real outfits until I saw Dua Lipa wearing a garden. And I was like, wait a minute, that's not possible. And then I looked back and I was like, oh, this is all a fucking joke. Zendaya didn't wear a penis on her head. But Met Gala is going today and people look like absolute jackasses. I, I don't, and I know it's for what it is and you're supposed to, I know, I get it.

I know what it is, all right? And I get it. I get that it's, yeah, but this is, you don't understand that it was a theme, you know? Hey, what's worse than going to a place with a fucking theme? Dude, you want me to come to your party? First of all, no.

Second of all, is come to your party? First of all, no. Second of all, is it a themed party? See my first answer. Like, this is fine. Oh, stupid. Like, who's this? Stop it. Page unresponsive.

Get out of here. Phobie Dynavor. That's fine. That's a regular dress. Who are you? I'm old. Michelle Yeoh. Balenciaga foil.

There's just like a whole body of conspiracy theory. She literally looks like... Who is this? Nicki Minaj looks like a complete dickhead. Okay? Yeah. She looks terrible. She looks like an ornament my mom would want me to get her one Christmas when I was 11 and my dad would buy it for me to give to her.

Naomi Campbell looks great in her regular dress. I don't know. It's just like, whatever. Who cares? The Met Gala is so just like, whatever, who cares? The Met Gala is so, everyone hates Hollywood, you know? But we'll still go see The Rock's movies. I love how The Rock is on Instagram doing MMA stuff now because he's starting to play a,

he's going to play an MMA fighter. The Softie, Benny Softie or something is writing it. And The Rock is like doing MMA training and it's just like he's posting still photos of him punching and it's like oh man it doesn't look like you're a fighter you know but he'll train and he'll get it

because he's a really hard working actor and he's you know I know he throws himself into the characters right I'm wondering about, I want to see him play the guy because the guy it's a real person and he wasn't bald so they're going to give him hair. So it's going to

throw everything off. I didn't see the roast, the Tom Brady roast, but I don't like roasts. I don't like roasts. It was a little better that they were going to have comedians, more comedians than normal like and the comedians know each other but like i don't know i don't know why i don't like

roasts they they're just like and then it's not because i think they're mean it's just like i guess roast culture has gotten so big that it's almost like people now assume you're going to do it. Like, well, I was at a show the other day, and they were like, and somebody in the front row was like, do crowd work. And I'm like, dude, come on. No. Like, what is this? Like, let me do. I'll do the show.

You do the laughing or not laughing. But, yeah. Wait. we're not laughing um but yeah um wait uh here we go i'm gonna play this this guy's tiktoks smack this kind of guy in the face you know what i mean like just straight up just a wallop you know i'm talking about hey make him pink dude this is this is crazy did you know when you're having a triangular piece hey boy you better lower that voice or you're getting pink. Dude, I swear to God, that is the craziest.

Oh, shit, you're about to meet the back of my hand. Hey, dude, what the fuck? You're not pink enough. That's what I do when someone talks like that. Hey, you're not pink enough. What the heck? You don't cut off the nose? It's like this lovely brie here. You don't cut off the nose because that's a bit of cheese.

Instead, cut along the longer side of the cheese. I mean, it's so messy how he's doing it. He can't even do it. The nose is the best bit. Don't take it all for yourself. I mean, I understand, and it's nothing wrong with it, but that guy for sure knows buttfucker 3000, if you know what I mean. There's no way that that guy doesn't take it so hard and is, you know,

very classy about it. What you're going to want to do is you're going to want to insert it, but you're not going to want to do it too hard, right? You're going to want to do it over and over again in a repetitive motion. You're going to want me to get into it, right? Now you do that, and I'll handle my penis. Make it pink.

When you have finished stirring your tea or coffee, Eh, an evil villain. flick the teaspoon above the cup to knock the drops off, rather than rather inelegantly hitting the teaspoon against the rim of the cup, making a noise like a toddler's orchestra. Most inelegant. Wow, dude. Pink.

Hey, guy, get pink. Dude, that's crazy. Hey, yeah. Oh, dude, hey, over here. Come here. What were you saying about the thing? You pink enough? Dude, you...

People who make... Well, never mind. I'm not going to say that because I'm kind of like that. And people who make rules that don't exist are annoying. But I take that back because it's my whole life. Now, you're already sweet enough. But if you are adding packet sugar or a sweetener, where should you put the packet? You know. Eat it! Get pink. Unbelievable. cup gets cleared later, it's much easier for the waiting staff. What a lovely courtesy.

Get pink. Unbelievable. This guy's crazy, huh? But I'd go for him, though. Making money on TikTok, you know? He's got peas. Hopefully you know by now the correct way to eat peas is to... I mean, the gayest... The song, you know, in the background.

We probably can't even play that because of the song. Well, eating peas. I just like people like that. Like people used to be like that a lot and they're still like that. And it's like, just God, like real. Aren't you like, can we just chill i'll never understand i it is crazy how the world changes but it is so insane that in like the 30s that they would just like wear suits like you would just if you had any business anywhere, if you walked outside, you just were sweating your ass off with like a tie choking your neck.

And just like, and you were like going to just a deli. Ah, there he is. Hey, Hank, how you doing? You know, and just sweating and just, you had to bring napkins. You know, you were like black comics you would just bring a towel around and fucking you know your forehead would beat up with sweat you just hello clergyman how are you you know say shit like that and like it's just insane people used to wear suits it's insane and now i now I dress, you know, the way I want to. And people sometimes

are like, dude, dress your age. And I'm like, nah, I'm going to dress how I want. You know, it's comfortable and it's shit. And I look and Hey, whoopsie daisy, dude, I'm looking cool. All right. I can't, I can't just go to J crew and get those pants. You know, I can't, I don't know. We're not gonna wear a V-neck sweater, dude. Just because I'm 44. I don't know, but it's like people will just wear suits for no reason still. Cause you're high society. No way, dude. I'm't know. But it's like people will just wear suits for no reason still. Because you're high society. No way, dude.

I'm low society. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, I think you can do it. Killed himself. Just absolutely killed himself, dude. Scraped his cock so hard, and it's bleeding so hard. All over the trash. In the trash.

His face is in a half-eaten burrito, and his cock is bleeding, you know? The worst predicament. Look at the friend going to check. I don't know, Nick. I've got cake. Yeah, no, I think you can do it. No.

Well, you were wrong. It's a bloody cock facing a half-eaten burrito. No, no, my, you can do it. Here's the guy. Now, I got it. Yeah, yeah, you were wrong. Bloody cock facing a half-eaten burrito. No, no, my, you can do it. Here's a guy. Now I got it. Yeah, yeah, I got it. All right. Oh, my cock. Well, that tastes good. Deserve it.

100% deserve it. Australians, huh? I'm going to be in Australia. I can't wait to go talk to Australians. I'm going to be in Australia. I can't wait to go talk to Australians. I'm going to be in Australia. I'm going to do shows. Chrisley.com. I'm going to do that.

I'm going to go. You know what I'm going to do when I go to Australia? Because this is something that is true. Every Australian has tattoos. There isn't an Australian that doesn't have tattoos. You have to have tattoos when you're Australian. And you can't just have one. You have to have a lot of them. You have to have them all over your arms, all over your legs.

You have them on your torso. And you have to have some around other places. And you are Australian. If you're in Australia, you will be getting tattoos. So I don't know when you have to get them, at what age. But this is an Australian when they say you you want a tattoo this is what the australians are yeah where am i putting it i'll put it anyway it doesn't matter i somebody rang me up the other day and they they had like just i don't understand like look dude all my tattoos mean something all right and i don't want to get into it and that's also annoying in itself i get it like you know and in no way am i like my body is my journal and like but there was someone that ringed me up and they had just the most random tattoos like just lipstick like a cat paw you know but like that old uh fashion the traditional tattooing

just like a lady with a teardrop you know that's crazy to me but i have a bunch of tattoos my dad my mom hate him my mom said did i tell you this the other day my mom came up to me and she was like chris don't get any more tattoos until i die and i'm like, mom. She was like, but I might. But you know what? I might go soon. That's what she said to me.

I'm like, hey, are we? Am I Tony Soprano? Because this is a conversation that the mom from Tony Sopranos would have. So what's going on here? Am I supposed to be eating gabagool? Yeah, I don't know. It's a... Oh, bro. This made me laugh.

So much. I'm not going to... I've watched laugh so much. I'm not going to, I've watched it too much, but this was just fantastic. He sang so hard that he died. Here we go. Not bad, too. Take a few steps. She said, somebody in the back said, you can sing for real.

And he, dude, he did that thing where he moves a little bit. And then boom, into a fucking display. Fainting into a display? What is this, bridesmaids? Like, oh, it's just so great. That is so. Yeah. Oh, the last note. The last note, dude.

On the way down already, he's like, on the way into the display. Watch out, Razors. Watch out, always display. God, that's awesome. Pinkest tongue I've ever seen in my life, too. Pinkest tongue!

Pinkest tongue! Oh, man. He can sing for real. That's the pharmacist, you know? God, that's good. I love it. God. You know that so many people loved your lion noise yesterday.

They thought that your lion noise was really good. Everyone thought it sounded so real. Let's hear it. It is real. It is real. It's not real, it's you. It's super real. Cute. And a real lion sound. Real lion sound. How did you get so good at that noise? I practice, you know. And I am with her, I say, and I don't know, say, and I say, I can't do it.

How can you do that? You have to go to the hospital. We may get some air. And blow. Dude, what? You want me to practice? My mom know we're good at it. I am an expert.

I'm lying, dude. She's going to grow up to be a lion. I mean, that's unbelievable. She's going to grow up to be a lion i mean that's unbelievable she's gonna grow up to be a lion i have to text it to my friends fuck yeah you're gonna sit here because i'm gonna do it respectfully i'm gonna be the i'm gonna be me and text my friends and you're gonna be cool with it um i'll just text up to these friends it doesn't matter anymore doesn't matter i'll text her whoever dude that's crazy, it sucks when that is

That sucks, like she could have been good at Like, you know, volleyball But that's what she got God was like, yeah I don't know, I'm tired, let's go home We got another one Make her, I don't know Do something cool, maybe she'll use it at parties

Make her be able to roar like a lion Like literally identical to a lion. Like make people think like, wow, it's crazy. And that's her thing. St. Peter's like, are you sure that you want to? He's like, hey, dude,

don't second guess me. This is what we've talked about. Make her roar like a lion. I don't give a shit. We've given out too many volleyball talents and we've given out too many singing talents. We give the singing talent to that last guy at the pharmacy,

and what happened there? He fucking messed up the always display, didn't he? So he messed up the Gillette. Remember the last guy we made? He sang like what? Say it. He sang like what? An asshole.

That's right, St. Peter. He sang like an asshole, and then what? He teetered and he fell, and that wasn't our fault. We thought we were going to make him join a choir, right? What did he do? Yeah, he messed up the Gillette display. Yeah, okay, so give her the lion roar. Okay, God, okay.

You know that so many people. Now she's just the annoying chick. Like, this is cute. As a kid, as a 25-year-old, and you're the lion roarer? I feel bad. But that's amazing, though. Whatever. I need to be good.

I need to be good at something like that. I can't. What is up with my contacts just deciding? I used to be able to wear my contacts for 16, 17 hours a day. And now, I don't know if they don't make them the same or if my eyes are just older or what the fuck. Dude, after eight hours, my contacts just go blur city. It's like I don't have them in. So that's great.

I'll just wear my glasses, dude. I went to the gym today and it worked out And it was cool man I've been so inconsistent with it I've been inconsistent with it okay But I did burpees You don't fucking care Dude I'm here to talk about my day

Sign up for the Patreon Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia But I'm just saying Alright I saw this video about my day sign for the patreon patreon.com slash crystalia but i'm just saying all right i saw this video this is a more attention this is a police woman in columbia that is just i mean Jessica Rabbit, you know? She's, look, she's attractive, okay? She's, I don't know what the, what's like a, now a, like a very nice way to say it. She's a pretty, beautiful, you know?

What are women like? She's, she looks like a thot, okay? She looks like a thot and she's a cop, you know? Freeze! Just like, all right, so, all right, so. And then the players. Believe it or not, many women were angry about her work. Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah? Oh, imagine this woman coming to your house over a domestic dispute. And then a fucking Colombian woman be like. I mean, this is just the. Oh, hell no. The most Colombian Alexia Narvaez, who is not only an excellent policewoman, but also an influencer, is often called upon to ensure security in certain stadiums during football matches. This is crazy because why be a police? I guess she loves it, right?

But but also. Yeah, I don't know. Hey, props to her, honestly honestly because women don't have to do shit you know what i mean you know what they can do they could just lay around attractive women can just literally they can just be places and win you know i'm talking about they can just chill they could just sit on a chair as long as they want, hang out. You ever see sometimes like a hot chick just like, oh my God, my day's so busy. And you're like, what do you have to do? And you're like, I got to go here. I got to go. I got to fix. I have to fix my nail. I have to go there. And then I have to go say hi to them. They're hanging at a pool. And you're just like, you're busying yourself. You got nothing. And that's OK.

But stop acting like you're the CEO of McDonald's. But her typical Colombian woman's beauty. You know. But her typical Colombian woman's beauty just so... I mean... I don't even know what that last one means. She can pin me down is... That's, you know...

Indeed, although Alexia is an authority, she has never stopped taking care of her physique and beauty. But her presence in the stadiums has not been well perceived by women who claim that their husband watches the policewoman more than the match. And to say that such a woman should be in the police and should be on the corner. So, that's how the fucking shit got real Colombian, you know? What the fuck is she doing here, man?

Put her on the corner. Police, for their part, are not influenced by negative comments. And you, what do you think of this story? Story. Okay, that's wild. Oh oh let's go watch soccer you could you imagine you're breaking into a fucking hey let's steal from this fucking let's get the corn dog fuck it get the corn dogs right there fuck them get them right there they won't even know he's looking away and i want to watch the football game go get it she comes Guys, what are you doing?

Oh, shit. Oh, damn. What the fuck's going on? Let me see that back door, though. Oh, shit. You got a corn. No, I was going to pay for that, but my god damn. Come here, mamacita.

Oh, my God. Look at this. Hey, come here. Look at this. Just arresting. What the fuck? What? Dude, come on.

This tweet is hilarious. Are you okay, babe? You've hardly touched your gonst. Dude, Guinness and Monster Energy Drink. Hey, honestly, who the fuck drinks Monster Energy Drinks? I've never tasted one. They got to be so bad. I got to taste one so I know how bad they are but dude who actually

drinks that shit hey babe are you okay you've hardly touched your gangster that's so dumb that's a funny joke dude i dude guinness and monster drink oh hot as fuck in here Ugh Hot as fuck in here God Get in your car dude Get in your car Death metal

That's fair I mean Get in your car dude Get in your car I'm in my car That's fair I mean you know Realize he was such an asshole Get in your car, dude. Get in your car! I'm in my car. That's fair. I mean, you know, realize he was such an asshole.

You know, more people should be like that. You don't have to keep continuing being mad. You know when you get so mad and you realize you have to keep continuing to be mad to hold it going because you don't want to be, because you're like pissed off and you know you're an asshole, but now you have to own it. You know? You can't not. You can't. It's so hard to be like you know what i and actually never mind i realize i'm being an asshole i don't care you get to that point if when you're yelling you get to the point you're like wait what am i doing but then you have to just own it you're like i'll

just i'll trump it i'm donald trump now i'm right you know and and then like you're like i'm gonna write this argument out but i'll apologize later you know like you'll do the thing like i'm gonna fucking keep yelling tomorrow i'll call him and i'll i'll apologize but i gotta i gotta trump this get out of my mess what's this one this guy's on live take your damn elephants and get out of my mess one this guy's on live take your damn elephants and get out of my mess this guy's on tiktok and people are sending them like uh live things like emojis and shit and and they keep sending them elephants i guess wow that's funny, the guy's 90. Take your damn elephants and get out of my message box, you guys. I don't want your damn elephants here. Share the live, you guys.

Thank you for the roses. Bro, what is this world? Share the live, guys. Thank you for the roses. But he doesn't want elephants. Wow. Who would give a fuck? Get your elephants out of here. Thank you for the heart, me. Thank you for the roses. But he doesn't want elephants. Wow. Who would give a fuck? Get your elephants out of here.

Thank you for the heart, me. I appreciate that. You got to be kidding me, dude. You got to be kidding me. I appreciate the lightning bolts. Oh, no. Are you kidding me? This is fantastic.

Roses. But get your damn elephant. Quit putting your damn elephant on me i don't want your damn elephant on me thank you for the heart me i appreciate the heart me and the roses share the live you guys get your elephants stop putting that damn thing on me get it off of me i don't want your elephant on my face what part of that do you not understand he's got to be joking but he's not he looks like an old man that thinks it's disrespectful to put an elephant on his face they made him have a trunk and ears and he just wants hearts and roses take your damn elephants get out of my life now i don't Take your damn elephants. Get out of my life now. I don't want your damn elephants in here. Get them out of here.

Appreciate the team bracelet. Does this guy not know how humans work? Appreciate the team bracelet, bro. This is fantastic. Holy bro. This is fantastic. Holy shit. This is absolutely fantastic. Take your damn elephants and get out of my message box, you guys. I don't want your damn elephants here.

Share the live, you guys. Thank you for the roses. So defeated. Get your elephants out of here. Thank you for the heart me. I appreciate Get your elephants out of here. Thank you for the heart me. I appreciate the heart me. I appreciate the lightning bolts and the roses. But get your damn elephant.

Quit putting your damn elephant on me. I don't want your damn elephant on me. Oh, my God, dude. You know, hey, guy, this is just one of those things. This isn't for you. This live thing. Hey, dude, you got to. I mean, how could you get mad at that?

Oh, fuck, that's funny. Wow, what a great one. That one doesn't exist anymore, that link. Why do they do that? Oh, that one doesn't exist anymore, that link. Why do they do that? That one doesn't exist either. Why do they do that, dude? That's annoying that it doesn't do that. Let's do deserve it skills.

People falling is so good. Oh, bro. Oh, shit. What the hell was that? What was that? Oh, bro. Oh, shit. What the hell was that? What was that? Oh, my God. She ran face first into the fucking microwave. She's probably playing like fucking Mario Kart or some shit.

Just face first into the fucking place where you're supposed to say, heat up pasta. Like, just ruining what was that she says what do you think dude who let me actually tell you this okay let me actually okay if you if you're you if you are the kind of person that will put on vr and by mistake smash your face into like tvs or furniture or a microwave or fall or or you know because you think you're running in the game but you're actually really running you are you are so dumb you are so dumb you are dumb you're so dumb dude don't do that you know what i'm saying hey don't get lost in the vr world hey hey dude you have goggles on hey you're not really holding a sword hey don't move that much

there's walls places how do you lose that sense i'll tell you right now you are dumb you are so dumb and you can't you cannot i i don't like You cannot... How does that happen? It will never happen to me, dude. How about that? It'll never happen to me. Because you know it's fake. You're not really Qbert. know so don't jump because you're not a a a mega man so don't i don't

wow i know so many people that would do that. People do it and they get the... They masturbate in it, you know? To, like, VR porn. I gotta ask my wife if I can get that. No, I don't know if I would want to... I don't know if I would... I don't know.

I would do it. I would do it. Yeah, I would do it. I would try it. But my shit would be like... Actually, you know what I would do it. I would do it. Yeah, I would do it. I would try it. But my shit would be like, actually, you know what I'd rather do? Dude, they should make a game where, and it's called Gayness,

and you have to go on a date with a guy, and you gotta, the whole thing is you have to go on a date with a guy. And you got to, the whole thing is you have to avoid fucking VR. And you're like, oh, and you can't. And there's like things you need to do. And like, you're like, oh, no, fuck. Oh, dude, oh, no, dude, I'm going to get fucked. You know, like, ah, shit, I accepted his drink. God damn it.

I mean, I don't want to go to back to his place but he said he has he says he has it um the fucking what do you call movie i love it i'll go back but i'm not gonna fuck him and then before you know it oh you're getting fucked oh god damn it you're dang you're gay you got gay gayness dude and then like you know there's different levels we're like that you think you're just in an open world thing and you're like in a uh a grocery store picking up like you know like necessities and then all of a sudden like the store clerk is hitting on you and you don't even realize it. And then you can't help it, but he fucks you. Oh, God.

Dude, I lost my cool, dude. I thought I was just buying some Skittles and a dude fucked me. And then your friend's like, you're not supposed to buy Skittles. That's the gayest shit you can get. Of course you're going to get fucked. That would be a good... I would... Oh, I would love to play that game, dude.

And, you know... You should always just take the goggles off, you know? Dude, could you imagine putting those goggles on a black guy and have him playing the game Gayness? He would... Talk about ruining a microwave. The dude would be... The house would look like the fucking uh the end of the dorothy movie just all topsy-turvy upside down there's you do not joke around with gay stuff with black dudes

you do not dude just all these all these people just committing slower side. All right. Well, that's it. Thank you very much. Go to chrisalea.com. Get the special. Grow or die. And then also you can go to the Patreon,

patreon.com slash chrisalea. We are having a great time over there. And you have access to only Patreon episodes. We have the Brian Callen one that we did. That's on the there and you have access to only Patreon episodes we have the Brian Callen one that we did that's on the Patreon you have access to it so go get it patreon.com thanks I'm just gonna call the mother fucker and tell her what the fuck is up.