Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 38. Congratulations: Ragnarok

Episode Date: October 16, 2017

It's the 38th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about guys who get mad at fake boobs. Also discussed: boycotting Wendy's, Thor: Ragnarok, the Black Panther poster, Andy Serkis, Jean Dujardin, people who drink too much Coca Cola, & TMFUIPOTW. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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It's Chris D'Elia. It's congratulations, episode 38. And that's 38. That's probably 38 more episodes than I thought I'd ever have. You asked me about a year ago. And we haven't even been doing it for a year. And we're taking off know we're taking off we're we're rocket we're skyrocketing we're rocketing we're rocket we're a rocket we're shooting up you know and occasionally we go up and up and up and then you know dip a little bit but then that's because you know people have day

days where they got to work and they can't listen to the podcast and our numbers are going up though steadily going up so that's what's up um blocked a few people for being kudas um the past week been really um been really uh uh talking about this uh wendy's thing online about how w Wendy's made this thing called Sawsome Sauce or something. Sawsome Sauce. Told people to ban. You know, they're gone. They're gone, dude. If they ever wanted to pay money and do a fucking sponsor here, they can't do.

Because, first of all, the sauce is not awesome. And second of all, it's free conch. You can eat that sauce, but it's fucking terrible and it will give you cancer. Okay? It will give you cancer. Here's the deal. If you eat that sauce every day, you'll get cancer. That's what it should be.

If you eat fast food every day, you will get cancer. Period. See ya. It was nice knowing ya. You got all tumored up. So don't eat fast food that much because you'll get cancer. And that's just the truth. It's like smoking.

Or standing near a power plant. Speaking of which, I was watching The the incredible hulk with ed ed norton right uh i love how ed norton was in two incredible two hulks or whatever and then all of a sudden it was going to be mark ruffalo and that's how you know ed norton is a fucking he's got to be a piece of shit i don't know for real if he is or not but like if you're in two of the movies and one made a sequel and then the avengers comes out and're like, never mind, we're going to get Mark Ruffalo, you got to be hard to work with. You got to be, right? But I saw Ed Norton in Primal Fear recently.

I've seen it already, but he's so good in that movie. I mean, and he's good. He's a good actor. Also, there was Eric Bana was the Hulk, too. How many guys are going to play the fucking Hulk in the in the past eight years? I feel like there's going to be pretty soon it's going to be there's going to be a new like Hulk movie and it's going to be starring Greg Kinnear or something or some young fuck, you know, when they do that shit. when they make the superhero movies and then the guys get too old and then they pick an eight-year-old. They're like, but this is Batman before he was Batman. And then the guy's like, hey, I'm Batman. I want T.T. in my pants.

I want T.T. And it's like, starring Charlie. Like it's just he's so young he doesn't even have a last name just like i don't even know what the last name is because they were like hey you know when you're a young kid your mom's like what's your full name and you're like okay chrystalia and how old are you and you're like this many that's the batman that's a new batman movie coming that's batman origins we talked about origins already in this fucking story in this uh podcast and it's uh it's annoying origin stories they made a fucking winnie the pooh origin story or some shit like really a fucking teddy bear oh how'd that teddy bear come to be doesn't matter teddy bear it barely matters that a big green giant has an origin story although they didn't make the Hulk well every I every story is always well I think that's what the new spider-man movie did though I'm not sure

about the spider-man movie the new one but I feel like it didn't finally they made a movie where it didn't fucking have to explain what the fuck happened I didn't say so I literally don't know what I'm talking about but um but there were so many there was every batman movie was about like how he became batman and then fucking every spider-man was about how he became spider-man and then fucking thor by the way the new ragnarok the thor ragnarok poster looks like fucking oh wait this is what i want to talk about actually the thor ragnarok is it ragnarok by the way what the fuck is ragnarok just don't put syllables together and make it couldn't look more like a fucking hippie made that poster where it was just like there's so it's there's so many

colors it looks it actually looks so asian the thor Ragnarok poster looks like a fucking 12-year-old Asian made it. And it looks Buddhist as shit too. But why does Thor have short hair in this one? I would love it if fucking Chris Hemsworth was like, not this time. We're not doing extensions this time you want to fucking come up with a movie we're doing it this way but you got to see so the thor ragnarok poster is i mean it's pretty wild whatever the movie's gonna make a gajillion dollars anyway you got to see the fucking poster of the new Black Panther thing. There's 50 people on it.

Like, just put the guy on it, and that's fine. And put Michael B. Jordan on it, that's fine too. But the poster of, what's the guy's name? Fucking, the fuck's the guy's name fucking the fuck's the guy's name in the black panther movie i feel like it's straight up racist i don't even know his name chadwick chadwick bozeman what the fuck is chadwick um chad is that what everybody's that what Chad is short for people call him Chad I guess Michael B. Jordan dude look at it look on Chadwick Boseman's Instagram

it's got the first it's got the new poster for the Black Panther poster there's fucking straight up 75 people on the poster and Chadwick Boseman is on the top and then it's Michael look at it why I swear to God there's so many people in there there's a guy with three lines in the movie on the poster and then it's Michael B. Oh, look at it. Why?

I swear to God, there's so many people in there. There's a guy with three lines in the movie on the poster. There's an extra on the poster. And the extra was like, oh shit, I get to be on the poster? Dude. And I get it because it couldn't just been Chadwick Boseman because Michael B. Jordan is so big. He's probably a bigger star than Chadwick, right? But so Michael B. Jordan was like, well,

they were like, well, we got to put him on the poster. B. Jordan was like, well, they were like, well, we got to put him on the poster. And then they're like, well, we have to put a female on the poster if we're going to have two dudes because it's not a two-hander. It's not like it's two people. It's about the one Black Panther, right?

So then they put a female on the poster and then they were like, well, and then they put like, and then they were like, well, there's lots of Black people on the poster. We should probably have one white person on the poster so white people go see the movie. And then they were just like, got so carried away and some executive was like, well, there's lots of black people on the poster. We should probably have one white person on the poster so white people go see the movie. And then they were just like got so carried away.

And some executive was like, well, let's just put – why don't we just put – we put him on it too. And it would be like – and then they looked later on. They were like, didn't he just do craft service? Didn't he just put – I swear to God, that guy just came. He was like there for a week and just kind of gaffed and he's on the poster to many people on the poster somebody photoshop a poster where there's fucking for real 75 different people on the black panther poster that will be fucking hilarious i would love to see it

superhero movies are so serious dude and also i don't know superhero movies are so serious, dude. And also, I don't know. So here's the people in the movie. Chadwick Boseman, Michael B. Jordan, Lupita Nyong'o Nakia, Danai Gurira Okoye. I mean, don't know if I'm saying them right. Of course.

Forrest Whitaker, who is one of the greatest actors that you can never understand. I swear to God, I didn't know ever what Forrest Whitaker was ever saying in movies until TiVo came out. Or you could have subtitles on Netflix. I think even subtitles on Netflix sometimes do Forrest Whitaker movies, and then they straight up just have question marks on the bottom because they don't even know what he says. He'll be like, man, we're talking to man. And you're like, uh, just question marks. Of course Andy Serkis is in Black Panther, you know?

Andy Serkis, first of all, last name, S Russian. Is that even Russian? If it is, it is. If it isn't, it is. But Andy Serkis is always the fucking guy who plays like the monkey or the elf or some shit where it's like not him, but it's him. It's like such a good job because if you don't want to be famous, you kind of – like he's in the biggest blockbusters of all time, but he plays like – he'll literally play like the demon that you don't recognize or a fucking elf or like –

like in this movie, Black Panther, there's no way he fucking shows his face. He probably plays like a fucking chair or some shit. One day he'll play a chair for real, and they'll be like, oh, yeah, we got – and he's here, and they'll just sit in a squat position and they'll put him on against a green screen and then fucking the other more famous guy will just sit on him during the scene and they'll be like and people and fucking idiot people in hollywood will be like oh my god dude he was so good as the chair did you see he just the way he the and they always do the behind the scenes on hbo you know how hbo will have like these fucking 30 minute things where it's like a first look fucking the cuda

chronicles and it'll be like andy circus played a chair and it was just amazing it's amazing when you get an actor that can just really uh kind of understand the mannerisms of a chair and you see him just doing a squat position and he's just like i'm throwing it i'm a chair come sit on me um it just is annoying like that kind of shit is annoying like he's great at what he does obviously like fucking you know you can't just get javier bardem to just play a fucking monkey. You obviously can't do that because he wouldn't be as good as Andy Serkis because Andy Serkis studies the shit, you know? I don't know if he lived with monkeys or whatever. But, like, you can't just get some actor like Harrison Ford playing a monkey.

It would be fucking not as good. But, like, it drives me nuts that people are like, you know what's the same thing? I saw this. I turned on this movie the other day on Hulu. It wasn't a Hulu original or anything, but it was called Cash with a fucking S that's a dollar sign. Of course. Of course. Because they couldn't let that fly.

Some fucking asshole was like, oh, do wait, make the S that dollar sign. And they were like, oh, of course. And it's a French movie. And by the way, it's the most French movie of all time. If you watch this movie Cash, you watch the first fucking 10 minutes of this movie. It's the most, it's not that one. It's the most French movie of all time. The guy from The Artist is in it.

It's that, no, it's not that one. The guy from The Artist is in it, but this is why I started talking about it. So anyway, that's it. Dude, first of all, the guy, Jean D dejean what the fuck is his name so french so goddamn handsome he's so handsome and he's fucking in this movie and in the movie it's the most french the first 10 minutes of all i turned it off because it was too french i was literally i was like after the first 10 minutes, I was online trying to shop for a fucking, um, easel. That's how French it was. So I had to like turn out. No, I was like,

but we'll have to turn this movie off. And, uh, so in the first beginning of the movie, first of all, it's about a heist, which is this French. Um, but he is literally watching this girl leave someplace. And he's talking to little kids. And these little kids are like, hey, how come you always win? And then he says something to the little kids like in French. It's a French movie. And he says, because you're a loser. Like so French to fucking be like so straight up with a kid.

And be like, well, that's because you are a loser. You five year old. And he leaves and smirks. Of course, he smirks the most French shit of all time. And so handsome. You got to see this guy. And he, you know, he smells fucking terrible too. Nothing is more French than looking so handsome on screen and in real life having a big head and being and smell so bad and it but having a head that's way too big nothing is more french than being so handsome on screen that you see the

guy in real life and he's fucking five foot nine and his head is fucking so big and he's got broad as shit shoulders and it's like weird and you're like i didn't know he's gonna be so stocky and he smells so bad that that's the most french thing of all time so now this guy i mean he's so handsome it's so funny dude look at his eyebrow dude right when that one and so and so so he leaves the kids and goes and looks at this girl. And then he sees this girl sit down in like a hair salon, leaves, goes to a fucking flower place. And she said, and the guy's like, and he's like, I want some of these flowers. And the guy's like, what flower?

How many do you want? And of course he says, all of them. Because that's written. he says all of them because that's written and then he has the guys bring fucking all of the flowers into the salon to the girl all right now here's the frenchest part of all time now she's looking around like what the heck who did this and she looks out the window sees this handsome guy on a fucking trolley and he smirks at her and the trolley takes off and drives away he oh so french and you know she's thinking wow his head's big in real life good thing he's far away so i can't smell him dude it's it's he calls a kid a loser buys 700 flowers for a fucking girl he doesn't know

gets in a trolley, leaves. She sees him and smirks and leaves. And you know, oh, and then he pickpockets somebody, by the way. Could it be more French? Could it be more French? And he does it in a clever way. He doesn't just bump into him and pickpockets him. He fucking does it in the most clever way.

And Jean Reno's in the movie. And so is Sharon Hindis or whatever the fuck his name is the most French guy is Francois Berlian oh you couldn't look more French than Francois Berlian you couldn't look more French how about that picture

oh that's the guy from, isn't he in a, I think he's from the transporter too. No, I don't know. Anyway. Yeah. I think he's the detective in there.

Transporter right there. That picture where he's laughing right there. Is that him? Yeah. The right there was when somebody tried to say, I'm actually more French than you. Let's show it on the video podcast, that picture. And they went oh because he was he's like there's no way and someone snapped that photo um so yeah so it's literally the most french first 10 minutes of any

movie ever and the guy's so the guy is so handsome like if i had to fuck somebody i'd do i'd fuck him i guess a guy you know and i would make love i would be like man i would even even though i'm not gay and i don't want to be having sex with him i'd still be like man i'm so lucky that i got to have sex with him and i would be holding his big ass head and i would be like but i'd be like he smells bad but i'm still so lucky um so so and then um so what i was talking about the Andy Serkis thing where people like blow up how good he is at fucking being a monkey okay great yeah he's good

but like let's not let's not like I swear he's like I swear like for about two or three years in there he's been like at the academy he's been like maybe we should nominate him and it's like get the fuck out of here you know so this is why I started talking about this movie Cash because the lead guy in Cash who's like, get the fuck out of here, you know? So this is why I started talking about this movie Cash, because the lead guy in Cash, who's handsome, is in The Artist. That won Best Picture, right?

Now, here's the deal. In 2008, or whenever it came out, it was a silent movie. a silent movie. Now, you can't win Best Picture if you're a silent film. Period. Unless you're in 1920. But it was like 2008, this fucking movie came out and took all these pretend, now I'm not saying it's a bad movie i watched the whole thing and it was you know what it was it was good for a silent movie and it was a fine movie okay but you know what i kept thinking in that movie while i was watching it why is no one talking because it's 2008 or whatever year it was that came out and why have my producer not told me yet one firearm

but like or whatever year it was that came out and why have my producer not told me yet and won't fire him. But like, Supertentious was in black and white, made it, 2011. Now, it was fun. It was good, whatever. But come on, guys. Hey.

We're past it. You can't fucking make a silent film in 2011 and fucking win best picture unless you're being voted on by Kudas. Because you're getting all mixed up in the sauce and you're fucking totally buying into it. You pretentious fuckos. It's so pretentious. There's motherfuckers out there playing people with cancer, crying and shit. There's guys out there doing accents, dead on fucking, you know what I mean? And then this guy gets an... Did he win best actor? He won best actor for what?

Blinking? Blinking? He got best actor for smiling? Dude, here's how you know he didn't deserve best actor. Because he didn't do any other fucking movies worth a damn afterwards. Best picture, best actor, best director, best original music score. That's the only one that should have got it because that's all there was. Best supporting actress.

These are all the nominees or winners. Winners are best picture, best actor, best director. Lick my whole asshole. Oh, best original. Here is the best one. Nominee for best original screenplay. Interior guy walks in

handsome as shit he's smiling girl walks in he blinks three times he goes and picks up a piece of coffee and then gives her some coffee she drinks it

she smiles it's so silent fade out hey go fuck yourself. Okay? Nominated for best screenplay? Hey, fuck yourself. Okay?

If I was not, if I wrote a fucking silent, first of all, how long was that script? You know how long that script was? I guarantee it was 55 pages. It should be 120 pages of scripts. But when action happens it it takes up so much fucking look at this bullshit oh my god it dude how about how if this movie came out in 1930 it probably wouldn't even got nominated because it probably wasn't even a good silent movie you know what's also annoying about it is it takes place when silent movies were made

like if you want to fucking really do a for real silent movie do it now do one with the rock and have fucking like buildings blowing up and shit and demons running around make a silent film about that oh you had to fucking go back to the 20s and make a fucking, you had to make a period piece? A silent movie? Come on, bro. Fuck out of here with the artist bullshit. The whole thing is pretentious. It's called The Artist.

Ugh. Ah. So much fucking, so much Kuda shit, bro. That's why I'm wearing this shirt, to let these motherfuckers know. Eat Kuda. We're making more Kuda shirts with a different design, too. Be on the where. Be on the where?

Be on the lookout. Not where. Why would I say that? Why the fuck would I say that? Is it because I ate too much sauce on the sauce and now I have brain cancer? My buddy asked me, he's like, how come you're in, how do you keep in shape? And I was like, well, I just work out really hard

and I am conscious about what I eat. He's like, you don't drink soda? I was like, nah. I was like, why, you do? He said, yeah. I conscious about what I eat. And he was like, you don't drink soda? I was like, nah. I was like, why do you do? He said, yeah. I said, how many Coke? He said, you know how many Cokes I had yesterday? I said, how many?

He said, nine. Hey, man. That's why. I don't drink nine sodas. He's not even fat. He's just like bigger, I guess. I don't know. But he's, yeah, I don't know.

Don't drink nine cokes. God. The way that corporations do this shit and they try to pump. I stopped drinking Coca-Cola and anything like that. I don't drink it anymore. And the reason why I stopped is because I was, I watched this documentary, Forks Over Knives, and then I started reading about it because I was interested in the shit. And I read this article about why, it was like against Coca-Cola,

and they were saying something about how they were at this meeting where the head of Coke was there or something like that. And he was like, we're not trying to figure out how to sell more Coke to people who don't drink Coke. We're trying to figure out how to put more Coke, Coca-Cola into people. And that was when I thought, wow, that's fucking fucked up. And then I stopped drinking Coke right after I read that interview. We're trying to put more Coke into people? That might not be a direct quote, but it was something like that.

Like, we want more Coke in the people that already drink Coke. Like, yo, what are we, fucking cars? With gasoline? Like, that's so gross. So I stopped drinking Coca-Cola because it will kill you. Put down your fucking soda, dude. Pick up some water. Because you're going to die.

How about when people do shit like smoke cigarettes and they're like, hey, you're going to die anyway. Huh? Huh? Hey, man. Like, you know what they think, they think they're secretly in like an action mystery, where they're just like, hey man, something's gonna kill you, anyway, catch you later, I'm gonna go back into my fucking desk job, you're not a detective asshole you're not fucking trying to case some murder something's gonna kill you anyway whatever doesn't kill you

makes you stronger no it doesn't you can break your leg and then have a fucking gimp. Yeah. Hey, man. Doesn't matter. Something's out there killing you. Yeah, you can get hit by a car. Okay. But still, eat broccoli. Oh, you can get killed. You can get run over. You can get attacked by

a mountain lion, but still eat kale. Hey, you can get fucking murdered, but still don't eat so many Twizzlers. You know, like, don't be so fucking hardheaded. And this is coming from me. All right, here we go, don't be so hard-headed, and don't eat so many Twizzlers, Lyft, Lyft knows that their drivers are what keep them moving, so they do everything they can to make sure their drivers are happy on every trip, it's a simple formula, happy drivers make happy passengers, maybe that's why like nine out of 10 Lyft rides

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Stamps.com. Click the microphone. Enter congrats. Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again how about that though for real man going to the post office what going to the post office huh oh oh i forgot it's 1991 oh i forgot it's when we thought OJ was still a good guy. Going to the post office. Imagine waiting in line for anything.

Go online. Go online. Imagine waiting in line to have to use your internet, you know? You know what I want to give a shout out to for real is... No. You know what I want to tell you makes me BRM? When guys... want to what I want to tell you makes me BRM when guys get upset when guys talk about when guys talk shit about fake boobs that's what I want to talk about right now when guys are like nah not for me, man. Nah. I'm an all-natural kind of guy.

Yo, dude. You got a midbrain. You're a fucking dumbfuck, okay? That's what you are. Just like me. We're dumbfucks. We're guys. You see a red car drive by, you look at it.

Because you got a lizard brain in there somewhere. That's our midbrain reacting, telling us to fucking see that red car okay so now i'm talking about there's bad fake boobs out there of course there's botched jobs you've seen botched you've seen dr beverly hills what are those fucking stupid as shit e-shows are fuck those shows e you know with an exclamation point e-news you know um but when guys act like they're too good for like chicks with fake boobs shut up dude you know what that means to me you haven't seen enough boobs you loser dude there are really good fake boob jobs out there and they're fun to play with man

and yeah look i like the natural look too dude dude, I'm not downplaying that, I think it's amazing, but fuck that, dude, my dude, dude's always trying to act holier than thou and shit, nah, man, I'd rather fucking a girl be all natural, that guy's always, that guy's just trying to get into the good graces of girls to try and sneak in the side door and get some pussy that's what he's trying to do you're fucking trying to sneak in the side door and get some pussy bro i'll fucking gunk turn around and fucking step out back up a little bit gunk you could and i'm just going to give you a little bit pat pat that's just a little bit of a fucking you know right jab, a left jab and a right hook. That's just, it's not a full combo.

But dude, step the fuck out, turn around, kukunk. You coulda. Come on, bro. Stop trying to fucking sneak in the side door and get some pussy. Hit it straight on, dude. You can't, I get it. You got to use what you can you get to get like laid and shit but like it's supposed to be hard to meet a girl and fucking fall in love and and and and make love it's supposed to be hard we're supposed to fuck as much as we're supposed to fuck guys like fucking

who try to sneak in the side door and then god forbid guys like fucking bill cosby who literally rape it's you're you're ruining the world it's supposed to be as hard as it is you're not supposed to sneak in the side door or take what you want you're supposed to meet a lovely lady hope it fits it hits it off and you're not supposed to fucking say bullshit like that. Not for me, man. Oh, I'd never do that to you. Oh, shut up. These fucking white knights, you know?

Guys drive me nuts when they try to act holier than thou in front of a girl just to try and fucking sidestep the friend the guy who has the girl friend that's like always trying to this is like no she's just a friend man that like like he wouldn't fucking drop his pants faster than Donald Trump fires a new guy. If he was going to like, if the girl wanted to have sex, how about that? How about those guys? How about those guys?

How about those guys, How about those guys, dude? Those guys. Yeah, she's, you know, we go hiking and all that shit. Oh, yeah? You kiss her? Oh, no, she's just a friend. Oh, you go hiking with her and shit? Yeah.

How many times you go hiking by yourself? No, she actually to hiking oh you've never been hiking before oh no no oh but you like it yeah oh yeah dude i love it that's why now we go oh really since you met her have you ever gone alone no no no it's like our thing oh cool hey man you're a bitch. What are you doing? You're dating a girl without loving her? You're dating a girl without lying with her. You know, and you can say, oh, shit, yeah, but you don't, you know, and you can say, oh shit. Uh, yeah, but you don't, you know, there are, oh, well I do, I do that though, Chris. And it's cool. All right, cool. You know what? Yeah. There's rare exceptions, I guess. Sure. But you know who you are guys and you know what you're doing

and you won't admit it. And I get it, but you know what you're doing and I know what you're doing, and I know what you're doing, and guess what? The girl knows what you're doing too. Pack it up. Pack it up. Dude, go on a trip. See ya. Go on a trip. See ya. Go on a trip.

See ya. You know, it's so hard to talk about this shit without seeming like a fucking asshole. But it's just not. It is. It's a real thing. You know? It's a real fucking thing. And it sucks because it's all like oh yeah but you know guys

i'm not saying guys can't be friends with chicks i'm friends with a lot of girls man they're awesome whitney cummings is my fucking best friend we work together all the time never touched her you know respect the shit out of her but it it's so annoying that, like, guys do this shit, man. Anyway. But, yeah, guys who fucking say that, like, any guy who says that they don't like fake boobs would gladly date a guy with fake boobs. We'll just put it, gladly date a girl with fake boobs. We'll put it that way. Gladly.

Gladly. Gladly. Any guy who says, no i don't know i'm not into fake boobs but gladly gladly gladly date a girl with fake boobs and come real hard when they have sex so don't play me like that dude if you're gonna stand and look at me and say I'm not into fake boots, you're gonna fucking play me like that, dude? Look in my eyes and say that shit and watch me fucking imagine eating your face. Bro, that's how it is, man. That's what I do when somebody says some fucking gung shit like that, dude. Why are you in the room right now when you should be stepping out and g-gunk?

And then I'll open the door. Your nose better be facing the same direction so I could place myself inside you because you don't want me to. I, you know whatever this is a good one for a video podcast because i'm you know how about fucking harvey weinstein though jesus christ i know i talked about him last time but i mean there's a new one about angie ever where he broke into her room on a boat and masturbated in front of her. What the fuck, dude? What the fuck? You fucking ugly troll. Dude, it's supposed to be hard to get laid.

It's supposed to be hard to get laid. It's supposed to be hard to get laid. It's supposed to be hard to have an orgasm in the presence of a woman. So you don't get to break into her bedroom and masturbate in front of her. You fucking troglodyte dork. And everyone in Hollywood was apologizing for him until the shit. Recently. And now they. Oh, I didn't know. You did know.

I never fucking met the guy. I knew. But don't fucking oust him from the academy and then leave all the other motherfuckers that are in the academy. There's motherfuckers. Isn't Bill Cosby still in the fucking academy? What you doing? Fuck all that hypocritical shit, man. And then you're going to have all those people in the academy and nominate the artist for best original screenplay. That right there makes me want to move to Mars.

Huh? You fuck up the game, bro. You fuck up the game in a very silly way. And I understand that it's a real bad, bad, evil thing to fucking grope women and fucking do all that shit and masturbate in front of them. You're a fucking horrible piece of shit. And you're fucking up the game.

In a silly way, you're fucking up the game, dude. Keep your fucking dick in your pants i read this facebook post uh the other day about my buddy and he was like uh i think that a good idea would be asking always beforehand can i kiss you and i was like i don't know if that's the answer. That's complete boner removal and wetness reduction. I mean, may I kiss you? Huh? Bro, no. No, you can't.

So I could be like, so I could laugh so hard for 25 minutes and wipe the tears as I'm laughing because this fucking guy said this. And it's not the 1600s in Great Britain. May I kiss you? Imagine taking a girl. Imagine being at a bar or just like the sheer fucking desert dryness of can I kiss you what oh sure beta i mean case by case sure asking is fine but every time uh boner removal put your fucking penis in a duffel bag. Come on, dude. There's a middle.

Let's not let this time fuck up so hard in the other direction. You understand what I'm saying? Let's not fuck it up so hard in the other direction, right? You understand what I'm saying? Like, let's not now lock all of our dicks up and just be like, is it okay if I place my lips around the same vicinity as yours? Let's not fuck up that hard. Let's recognize what we're doing wrong without letting the pendulum swing all the other way and having it be like,

do you mind if I unzip my mouth and show you my tongue? You know? Let's not create a world where masculinity doesn't exist how about that how about that because guys sometimes you need guys to do some basic shit like help fucking pick up a goddamn desk or a refrigerator and that's okay but man let's not let the pendulum swing that's that's see that's what happens um you know like all these all these me too stories are coming out and they're they're fucking horrible you know with the hashtag on and blowing up and about how a guy

grabbed me and how a guy fucking exposed himself to me and a guy, you know, use sexual harassment at work and all that shit's horrible. It's unacceptable. And then there are these girls that just want to be on the thing and make up fucking stories. And that's bad too. It's like, it's like, let's find the problem the actual problem and then fucking deal with it it's so hard to talk about this without seeming like a fucking asshole but i'm trying i just i i just i i i i hate that kind of fucking guy that fucking is like that, as we all should. And they should be dealt with. A lot of them should be in jail.

And then also, that's the problem. But the problem isn't rectified by a guy being like, problem isn't rectified by a guy being like, uh, is it okay if I wear a short sleeve shirt or some bullshit? I don't mean to, you know, I don, uh, like I, I, I saw a story that some girl was, had a me too thing on and she was like, uh, yeah. Um, my agent dropped me because I wouldn't go on an audition, uh, uh, and say a sexual line in an audition for a commercial. And I'm like, ah, she was like, yeah, so me a commercial and i'm like ah she was like yeah so me too and i'm like eh or you know what like you you just wouldn't go on an you wouldn't say you

wouldn't you you wouldn't go on an audition like that's different and i get it there's a scale, but like, you know, I wouldn't fucking do certain auditions, and that's okay too. You don't have to do those auditions, but it wasn't like, it's so hard to talk about this without seeming like I fucking don't care. I do care, but it's just like, don't jump on the bandwagon. It disrespects people who have that actual thing that happened in their life.

Because that's terrible. Anyway. Anyway. It's horrible. Yeah, it's horrible. It's horrible when... I love how you could do it like this. You fucking talk about all this bullshit that's so bad in the world and then just be like, Square Cash. Everyone is switching to the Cash app because it's the best way to pay people back.

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I hate that. So let's talk about the new cash card. It's a new black debit card that you can design yourself via the app. And the cash card allows you to use the cash that you keep in the app anywhere you want. You'll get notification for all the payments made with the card directly via the cash app. You can laser at your card and personalize it, and it will be delivered directly to you for free. It's cool. You get your signature on there. You know, it's awesome. The Cash App team is

constantly building awesome new features. So what are you doing using the other guys? Get the Cash App today. Download the free Cash App for iOS or Android now. Wink. Now you guys know if you're a fan of mine or if you listen to this podcast or you're in my cult,

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That's trywink spelled T-R-Y-W-I-N-C dot com slash congrats and get $20 off your first order now. Trywink.com slash congrats. So, yeah. Oh, man man I'm hot I'm hot right now video podcasts you gotta watch it if you don't watch a video

you're missing out a little bit you know uh putting that you're missing i was um i was uh uh talking about fake boobs it's funny though um the the because another thing that made me think about while I was talking about it is, like, you know what I don't understand is, like, I like sex. Like, straight up, sex. Whenever I'm, like, with a girl and she's like, do you have any fetishes? Like, if we've been dating for a bit. I'm like, I don't, you know? Like, I'm just, I like sex.

It's fine. You get to cum. It feels good, you know? It's not like you're fucking, it's not like quinoa where you have to cook it differently and shit. And you're like, yeah, I'm bored of it. Maybe I'll put some fucking cumin in it or whatever the fuck. It's not chicken. Oh, I've been eating barbecue barbecue let me try to put some

lemon fucking let me put a reduction sauce on it it's sex dude you get the cum so like when people are like what's your fetish i'm like i don't have i always feel like when a girl asks me what's the fetish that they have one so i gotta be like oh i like i don't know i like to have sex while we're watching documentaries but like i don't the coming part is fine i got a buddy that's into feet and i know that's like a big one but like like you know to see porn videos where some guys like literally like jerk off on feet huh i got a question since when do feet have boobs on them like what is up they also use feet to jerk off their dicks. Doesn't feel good. You know why? There's no thumbs on feet. You can't grip anything.

Maybe Andy Serkis could do it. He's played fucking apes. Dude, you know Andy Serkis could jerk you off with his feet in front of a green screen. Fuck yeah, dude. That's how he gets jobs. I could do it. I could jerk you off. I'm basically an ape. How fucking. How much are like producers and executives thanking their lucky stars that the guy who's best at that isn't a black guy, by the way. lucky stars that the guy who's best at that isn't a black guy by the way like they could never have that guy be a black guy to fucking do the green screen in the fucking and be an ape on the planet

of the apes that's fucking they're like thank god thank god he's white oh my god that's fucking funny actually to think about um but the uh but yeah andy circus could jerk the shit off of your feet with a dick with his feet because he's fucking uh yeah i don't understand and it also looks so uneventful too what in the porn it's like i've seen him because it's because of the curiosity when a guy like has an orgasm and then like expels on the girl's feet it's always like so uneventful it's like oh she's got to just wipe her feet off now like she entered a fucking asian person's house it's racist well no not really i mean i always had to do that when i was a kid and anytime i walked into my asian buddy house, they'd be like, shoes off.

I guess it's a respect thing. I don't really. I actually don't know. I'm such an idiot. All right. Well, we're going to do a new elder here. We've got an elder here that we're going to announce. We didn't do one last week.

So it's been building up. We didn't do one last week, so it's been building up. And we appreciate all of the past elders, and you guys are still elders. I think we have about three or four pins out there. These pins are not for sale. I know you want them for sale. I know some of these pins are fucking awesome, too. They're little, and they're fucking metal, and I wear mine. I represent. And people and people want them too my opener was trying to act like i don't want a pin uh i don't

want a pin uh because i'm not i'm my own guy and then by the end of the conversation he was like dude how do i get a pin they're fucking awesome dude look at these or the video podcast. They say elder on them, and they're fucking nice. And you can put it on your Yakuta shirt. It's a salesman. We've got these elder pins. They are not for sale, but they are free if you go above and beyond

for the congratulations cult. And how much would the guy have trouble too with it? Now I'm just trying to get the pin on here on my cutest shirt that is on the website. It's not hard. It's me trying to just have trouble

with my small motor skills. There we go. It's on right there, and it looks good, doesn't it? Yeah. Looks good, doesn't it? Yeah, it does. Right there. Put it right above the tail of the cuda.

And you get one. These are not for sale. These are sent when you go above and beyond. Congratulations, Colt. I love nothing more than infomercials uh nothing we've got a shirt it's beautiful we're giving them away how they do it like that they do so much volume control it's so fucking hilarious we've got a beautiful dresser for your bedroom we're giving them away

do you know what you can buy we're giving them away. Do you know what you can buy with this amount of money? Nothing. Practically nothing. You killed it. So here's the new elder, man. We are announcing the elder, Amanda Koople,

at Amanda Online. Now, this girl is constantly tweeting about the show. I see her all the time, and she dressed up as, I think, me or the podcast and went to, like, some kind of convention where I'm sure nobody knew who the fuck she was being. But, you know, people dressed up like Iron Man, and she showed up as fucking me, I guess. But she made the Gargle song, and her profile picture is of her with the Chris D'Elia silhouette shirt on. And she's just always kind of promoting the podcast and always chiming in, and she's made some other songs and some artwork

and shit and she's just a a very uh big big fan of the podcast and she um is uh has gone above and beyond for sure and now she is an elder she's an elder elder and we will DM you with the details to get you your pin. To get you your pin, your steel, your embossed pin and your certificate. So thank you, Amanda Koopal and welcome. You're an elder. So yeah, I'm loving it. i'm loving the guy i'm loving the support you guys i don't know what the fuck i'm saying you know when people i'm just saying shit

about the support but i love it man you guys are fucking awesome let me go i look online i saved some of these fucking um wait a minute is this real newt Newt Gingrich, what he tweeted? It is? What the fuck, is he drunk? Newt Gingrich just tweeted, today? Wow, yeah. President Trump was remarkably stir-going

in Huey's joint press event with Senator McConnell. His grasp of the issues is very deep and growing. I mean, hey, man, proofread. Hey, man, proofread. These fucking 90-year-old guys that think it's like they can tweet, hey, just give the phone to someone else and tell them what you want to say. You don't even know how to fucking use an iPhone. You idiot. You fucking idiot.

Fucking Newt Gingrich. Like, is he trying to be made fun of? This fucking guy? Alright, enough of that, though. That's not what we're here for um alright here it is hey guys it's time for the most fucked up

Instagram post of the week uh oh gunk alright here we go, guys. Here we go, guys. This was sent to me in my DMs. Thanks for the most fucked up Instagram post of the week. There's so many of them, dude.

This one is great, though. This is the... I want to punch this guy all up and down the fucking avenue, okay? This is a guy. What should I say? I should say what's in the picture at a second and this one he says even if the girls left and right trying to get my attention well first of all already wrong sentence wise even if the girls left and right trying to

get my attention i am in my zone where i visualize my dreams and my goals oh oh i mean come on dude even if the girls let he meant to say to the left and right are trying to get my attention even if the safarin first of all even if the girls left and right trying to get are trying to get my attention i am in my zone where I visualize my dreams and my goals. No, you're not, dude. No, you're not. Guarantee, if the girls are hot, you're checking them out, you fucking douche. Okay? And here we go.

But be aware, colon, and as we talked before before never put a fucking colon in your instagram caption it is not enough to see your future heading to shit you have to feel it and then you will awaken the magic power and magical things will happen. What? Is this guy talking about the boner when he obviously sees, when he's checking the girls out to his left and right? That's why I didn't get distracted when I saw and felt. That's why I didn't get distracted and I saw and felt in my visualization my first, my last, my first my last my everything the love of my life I am waiting for I don't even know what he's talking about but as I woke up I

thought fuck it meanwhile let's have some fun uh totally going against what he just said and then create your life live your dreams totally going against what he just said. And then create your life, live your dreams. And then this guy is in the picture on a beach chair and in the background there's a girl bent over with no bottom on. Fixing her towel, I guess.

I guess that's a girl, quote unquote, trying to get his attention, which it's definitely not. She's just fixing some shit on her thing and then in the foreground to his right there is literally a close-up of fucking a girl's boobs i guess it's maybe his girl or something but it's like the the most gross not that it's gross i mean their boobs they look good but like gross attempt of fucking trying to like show boobs. And he's got his eyes closed. Visualizing his future, I guess. I mean, this fucking guy.

And he's verified. and one of the, one of the fucking comments is, I want a pair of boobs like this, exclamation point, LOL, and want is misspelled, it says I want, like, what's up with this man? Proofread. How fucking lazy can you be? Proofread. I want boobs like this. Fuck you. Charlie Brown's teacher.

So many problems. Man, I just got nervous I'm going to fucking Australia. Some guy just commented on it. Hit it. I'm going to Australia in a few hours and uh am i i'm a little i'm a little you know not i don't know nervous or like uh i'm up i don't know nervous is the right word but yeah because of the fucking i gotta get there and be in a foreign country it's been a long time since i've been in a foreign country really canada doesn't really count even though it is technically

um i'm going to australia I'm going to Australia. I'm going to do a bunch of shows there all around. I can't wait, man. I can't wait. I'm anticipating it. You can go and get tickets. There's a few tickets left. There's a few tickets left on crystalia.com uh but uh so i uh will be there and uh i

i uh so yeah perth perth brisbane adelaide um melbourne and sydney and i didn't know the continent was so big like there's a seven hour flight i have to do in australia i didn't know that i thought it was like as big as fucking texas i'm such an idiot you know they're like people are by by the way if i see a fucking tarantula i'm out you understand i'm out i'm going into the middle of a fucking square where there's a lot of people and just looking at the ground. If I see a fucking hair, dude, how about spiders have hair on it, on them? Get the fuck out of here. What are you?

What are you, a fucking guy? What are you, just somebody? You're a spider? You're somebody. You got hair? Hey, if I could put gel on you, don't be an insect. You know? Hey, if I can put fucking dippity-doo on you, don't be an insect.

Hey, can I spray Paul Mitchell on you? Then you're not a spider. You're a guy. Come on. If I can spray Paul Mitchell on the top of of you don't have eight legs have two sit um yeah so anyway uh i'll be there i'm also at irvine irvine ohio columbus ohio uh san jose those tickets are going quick. They might be gone. I don't think they are yet, but they're going.

So let's, you know, and don't be mad. And we're restocking merchandise, Yakuta, fucking, we got new designs coming. We got, and keep up with your eldership. But, I'm just kidding. So Square Cash. Have you switched yet? new designs coming we got uh and keep keep up with your eldership but uh let's get um so uh square cash have you switched yet download the free square cash app design your cash card and get it for ios or android now um thanks for listening this was episode uh fucking 38 uh 38. Please spread the word. Spread the gospel. And you want a pin, spread it. Rate and review the show. Tweet me at

congratulationspod or using the hashtag hashtag congratulationspod. Sorry we didn't game the system today but I got a lot of shit to do. I got to get to Australia. I gave you guys over an hour anyway. But hope you're enjoying the video episodes on youtube video episodes uh go up thursdays at the latest but even though the podcast is still happening in australia we're not going to be able to do video podcast for two weeks but we will are we going to still put it up with the thing

we'll probably still put it up on youtube but it'll be the artwork because i don't have the lighting equipment and all that shit uh but uh so so you can still listen to it on youtube but you won't be able to see me and my dumbest shit fucking face uh new merch coming this week new merch coming this week man on fire man on fire watch it i keep getting tweets new people watching the special love it you can watch it re-watch it you can watch incorrigible too my my second special uh and even you can watch um white male black comic which is my first special that had the drunk girl shit on it but i don't know a lot of people seen the drunk girls thing i don't know if a lot of people have seen i mean i know i'll know a lot of people seen the drunk girls and not seen the whole thing but you

can watch that on comedycentralral.com, I think. And that's it. So thanks for listening, you guys. You guys are all my babies. Remember, when in doubt, you're my babies. Unless I block you because you did some fucking fucked up thing with the cult. Because I blocked a few people today. Not today, but this week.

And if I ban you from Wendy's, if I ban Wendy's and you go to Wendy's and you tell me you go to Wendy's, you get blocked. You're banned for life. It's for conch. But this is a cult. Take care, babies. Thanks for listening. See you soon, Australia. G'day.

So annoying I did that. Can't believe I did it. I actually told myself I wasn't going to do that. But I did it. And I will absolutely do it when I get to Australia on stage, even though I know that they're used to it and they don't want me to do that. And they hate when comedians do that, but I'll still do it. I'll still start talking like this, even though it's annoying. Can't help myself. You are what you are and you've got to shake hands with yourself. Nice to meet you. I'm Chris.

I do those things. Thank you very much. Don't be a coot. Remember, don't be a coot. Because if you're a coot, swat char. You don't want to fucking get a hit with a congratulations combo.

How come all of a sudden it seems like I took three shots of Jaeger? Okay. Take care, guys. Have a good one. Congratulations. Congratulations. Okay. Take care, guys. Have a good one.