Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 383. Chris From Outer Space

Episode Date: May 30, 2024

😮 Get a shoutout on this show at holler.baby/chrisdelia 🎤 MY SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is here: chrisdelia.com/god 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. This week Chris discusses Ben and J Lo, Travis the chimp, Dune 2, and how to watch Spiderman movies. Plus ordering coffee in a foreign language! Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/chrisdelialive 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

runk what's up guys i'm in irvine this weekend irvine california i'm in irvine i'll be there really soon and des moines green bay uh and then i go to australia so go get your tickets at chrisley.com oh and i keep forgetting new zealand new zealand and back in la i'll be in oxnard california so go to chrisley.com before they sell out appreciate ya and now the next episode of Congratulations I went to I was dude I flew back just

right now I just got here so yo hey dude check it out I'm tired by the way if you want to get the Patreon, patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia, you get all the extra episodes that are unlocked when you sign up, and there's the episode with Brian Callen on there. We have a good time,

you know. But yeah, and you support the show. This show wouldn't exist without you, but it exists because of you. And me too, mostly because well, yeah, no, I don't know if I would do this if it wasn't for you guys. I'm not sure. I don't know if I would. It's just talking, really, if nobody's listening.

But I do like to talk, and my son likes to talk, and I wonder if my other son will like to talk when he gets older. We'll see right now his words are da which means uh uh car and then he and then da and that means dog so he says two words but they're both the same word and whenever he sees a car he goes da um but it was cool i got home today and he was like excited to see me it's cool he's 13 months and months and it's finally like he's like, oh, yeah, dad, you know, dad's here. I was in two different places. Chattanooga, which is all right. It's cute.

I mean, I feel like it's all right there. They had like a few good blocks. And then West Virginia, Charleston, West Virginia, which is definitely the worst Charleston probably. There's too many Charlestons, but that's one of them. And it was fine. I went there. My buddy hit me up, Ryan Dorsey, who's on Yellowstone. He's on a bunch of stuff.

He's an actor. And he's like, dude, I moved out here two years ago. I was like, what? I didn't know that. And he's like, I want to come to the show. So I was like, okay, come. And he came to the show. It was cool to see him.

He's a great actor. Look him up. But yeah, I, oh, and then I got back. And, you know, whenever you, there's two flights that if you take to LA, there's always going to be famous people on them. And one is from Atlanta. The other one is from Vancouver. and one is from Atlanta, the other one is from Vancouver.

There's always going to be the guy where you look and you go, oh, what's this guy from? And most of the time, that's probably me to people. But today, but I have to do that too. I do that to people too. So I say, oh, who's this guy? And another guy from Yellowstone, dude. It's a Yellowstone week. A Yellowstone weekend.

It was Ian Bowen. I think his name is Bowen. Anyway, so yeah, dude, just a bunch of frigging celebs on the plane. You know, you've got places to go. Does anybody listen to celebs anymore? You know, like I see these videos and stuff of, like, celebrities and black and white talking about how you need to use your voice and how it's, you know, I pledge to do this. Do people listen to them anymore? I don't think they do.

Right? I don't think really people care about a celebrity on YouTube. You know what I'm talking about? think really people care about a celebrity on youtube you know i'm talking about or like you know back when there wasn't the internet and harrison ford would show up you know on a commercial in between 60 minutes and current affair you'd pay attention to him because you're like oh what the fuck was harrison ford doing in this commercial What's going on here? Bruce Willis? What's he talking about? Hey, what the heck?

But now it's like I have to listen to Gal Gadot. Someone's going to send me a link to Gal Gadot telling me about racism. You know? And you just go, nah you know because it's because why you know why why like i was looking at uh j-lo and ben affleck they or if you're a guy that wants to piss me off call him ben affleck you. But Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez broke up. And Ben Affleck just looks... Hey, how about any picture you've ever seen of Ben Affleck?

This is him, just here. Any picture of Ben Affleck is just... You ever see him close the door when he let J-Lo in the car, and he just goes, and he turns around, he's just like, dude, Ben Affleck got that big-ass dragon tattoo, you know he got that when he was just like, all right, you know what, fucker, I'm getting the dragon tattoo, dude, I love Ben Affleck, I think he's so top-notch, and here's what I think about Ben Affleck. He's too good to be a celebrity.

He needs to stop being. You can't, though. That's the thing, right? No matter where he moves, he's going to be a celebrity. That guy needs to. No, I don't know anything about him. We've connected one time and it was over Instagram. When he used to have Instagram. I don't think he has anymore.

But we wrote each other. I love him. But I don't know anything about him. And he just I want the best for him. Do you know what I mean? And it seems like he's just like getting railed, dude. Look here. He was Batman. He directed.

Did he win an Oscar, you know, for directing? Didn't he? I don't know. Whatever. He was nominated. He was in one of the greatest things ever written, right? Good Will Hunting. He wrote it with Matt Damon.

And he's just getting railed, you know, because of a woman. And here's the deal. J-Lo, you know, I want to know something. Who likes J-Lo? Like, who is a person that you know? Think of a person you know that's like dude gotta see that j-lo movie or oh oh shit man you know barring yeah oh love don't cost the thing you know yeah yeah okay like that stuff that that that idiotic one with jaw rule you know

your hair your eyes your i mean you know whatever whatever that one, your mouth, your twat. I can't, what is it? The way you move your hair, your eyes, your twat. Hmm. I'm real. I'm real. Everyone's real. And so, um, I love how, I love how Latinos and Latinas are fucking obsessed with keeping it so goddamn real and being real and being from the place that they're from. And you can't take where they're from out of them. You know? Like Jenny from the block. Dude, she's not Jenny from the block anymore. Hey, Jen.

Hey, Jenny. You've been a millionaire famous person longer than you've been poor. You're not from the block anymore. You're from the gated community, dude. You're Jenny from the gated community. You're Jenny from the cul-de-sac. You're Jenny from one of my houses, you know? I'm still Jenny from one of my houses. Used have a little now I have a lot had a lot more than I've

had a little had a lot for three decades in one of my house in one of my houses I'm still Jenny and I'm Jenny and I call this heck Jenny in theny in the gated community that's three houses and that's only about 10 of my houses dude like what i don't understand what the whole keeping it real thing is hey dude you can't take the the neighborhood out of me though when i'm in a movie like atlas okay the second i i i you know i i i signed some deal now look i obviously have money but if i had the second i go i get fuck you wipe my ass money dude i'm not real anymore i'm not people go like this hey Chris aren't you from New Jersey I go like this where's that is it newer than old Jersey like I'm just I want to be so disconnected and I'm dead serious dude you're not going to see me and if you do i go like this who when when you talk to me

and we've had multiple conversations in my past i go who are you i am not i'm chris from outer space that's who i am i i am not here i'm not here do understand? These stars that are just, yeah, dude. Ten things that you wouldn't know about, you know. Ten things that you wouldn't know about Ewan McGregor. He loves his coffee. He, you know, he picks up his daughter from school. You know what I mean? It's like, oh, dude, stars are just like us, yeah?

Not me. Bro, I understand some people think I'm a celebrity. I should be doing some real different shit already. But when I get to that wipe my ass money, dude, I'm Chris from outer space, bro. Period. Meatball mop boop. If you want to talk to me, meatball mop boop.

What's a sandwich? Sorry, sorry. I usually call it a, you know, a meat-borp. I don't like when stars are just trying to, hey, dude. I don't know how they don't lose their fucking minds. I mean, they do lose their minds. Like Jennifer Lopez, like I saw the movie Atlas. Atlas is the first, Atlas is a movie about AI

taking over the world in a way that they hadn't done yet, right? Like in a way that they haven't made this movie yet. Like they've made a lot of movies where artificial intelligence kind of like is a problem or a threat, but they made it,

this movie. Artificial intelligence is now a race of people, and they take over the world. And, dude, the movie, I watched it on a sprinter van from Chattanooga to Charleston, West Virginia, and that's how you should watch that movie, okay? Because if you're sitting down watching a movie like here we go and you're comfortable you're gonna hate it now here's

the deal about the movie Atlas not only is it the fucking a different take on the AI stuff it seems like it's the first movie completely made by AI like I don't even believe that the guy from the Ten Rings Marvel movie was really in it. Like, I think that they just manufactured him through different algorithms and ones and zeros and shit.

The movie is so good to watch on a sprinter from Chattanooga. That's the thing. Chris D'Elia raves. Atlas. So good to watch on a sprinter from Chattanooga. That's the thing. Crystalia, Raves, Atlas, so good to watch if you're in a sprinter van from 2018, watching it on your eight-hour drive from Chattanooga to Charleston, West Virginia.

The best movie I've seen in the sprinter driving on the East coast for over five hours. And then I do it. Yeah. I'll tell you what, man. Watched that bad. Guess what I did after that? People went to sleep in the Sprinter van?

Not me. I watched The Amazing Spider-Man 2. Dude, and guess what? Didn't see Amazing Spider-Man 1. Dude, now who's Chris from the block? Who keeps it fucking... That's... Watching part two, Amazing Spider- watching part two amazing spider-man part two

is the biggest fuck you to the marvel universe dude and i watched it and didn't watch the first one dude that's the biggest fuck you to the marvel universe since morbius and i'll tell you what was that dc madame webb whatever um i watched i watched the second one dude here's an even bigger fuck you after the second one was over turned on the first one i watched him in reverse dude because fuck you you can't tell me that the movie is not memento it's memento if i want it to be and and i had never seen andrew garfield play spider-man so i watched number two and then i watched number one dude and that that is what makes me chris from outer space because i i i dude i'm not gonna watch the movies the way you tell me to watch them I, dude, I'm not going to watch a movie the way you tell me to watch them.

I'm going to watch a movie I want to watch them, and I did it that way, and it was fucking cool, all right? Now, it was fine. I don't really, you know, it was fine. But that's what I did. I watched Atlas, Amazing Spider-Man 2, and then Amazing Spider-Man. Dude, how crazy. They didn't make Amazing Spider-Man 2, and then Amazing Spider-Man. Dude, how crazy.

They didn't make Amazing Spider-Man 3 because of the Sony hack, you know? Sony hacked their emails and they go like this. All right, we're not doing Spider-Man 3. Fuck it. What were in those emails, dude? What did we not see in those emails? But yeah, anyway. Andrew Garfield, he's a good actor, man, he's a good actor,

you know, I guess we're on a movie thing here, but, you know, I did watch other movies, I just realized my life is just, like, kind of, like, it's really boring, my life isn't boring, the road can be boring, but it's not the kind of boring where i'm like this is horrible i love it you know i'm saying like i i'm down for boring i'm down with boring i really am my favorite movies of all time are boring okay and then i like and then heat is in there too but like that's not's not boring. But I'm chill with boring. And I go, my son said the other day, I'm boring. And he meant bored.

It was really funny. But I'm just so boring. I was like, no, Calvin, you're bored. I don't think you're boring. You're not boring at all. Anyway, I watched, anyway, I was just chilling in my hotel room, just bored as fuck. And then, but cool with it, you know. I really zone out on these flights, man.

I just zone out on these flights. Some guy, I was in Chattanooga and I go, and I say, I get to the hotel and there's a, for some reason, my Sam, the videographer guy that I bring, my friend, he's just like, dude, you like Pete's coffee? I'm like, yeah. Like they have Pete's coffee down the road. I was like, oh, cool. He's like, they also have a coffee shop in the lobby. I was like, oh, that's cool. He's like, and there's another coffee shop too, like three blocks away. I'm like, yeah, bro, just stop talking about coffee, you know? And then I go to the one in the lobby. There's nobody there, okay?

So I'm, like, waiting. A guy comes over. He's like, I'll be right there. I was like, okay, cool. He comes over. He says, all right, what do you have, okay? First of all, he's not white. I what do you have okay first of all he's um not white i don't know what he is but he's not white um and he's smaller he's small and he has

braces okay and a beard like a goatee or something and he says um hey what can i get you and i say can i get four shots over uh ice or just can I get a quad shot? And he says, oh, actually, I speak English. And I was like, yeah, I didn't think you didn't. Quad shot? Quad shot is just kind of what you call it. And he was like, oh, okay, my bad. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's all good.

So he made it and then brought it to me and said, hey, here you go. Have a good day. And I said, gracias. And then he didn't get it. So that was a fucking, just a failure. You know what I mean?

Just a straight up failure, dude. The whole thing. You know? When you have an interaction with someone and you're just like, oh God, what the fuck, dude? You know? an interaction with someone and you're just like oh god what the fuck dude you know i i i wish those things don't happen but i guess it's funny that they do and it's like what's going on man everyone's so weird can i get a quad shot actually man i speak english oh yeah good because that's the only thing that i'm speaking and the only thing that I know how to speak. Yeah, I mean, just so ready, just so on tilt about it.

Like, oh, the white man's going to try and speak Spanish to me, huh? Quad, because I said quad. Eh? Se? English. Can I get a, it's not like I looked at him and I said, can I get cuatro shots of a café? Cuatro. Por favor.

Actually, I speak English. That's how I think that, honestly, Latinos should react to people who do that, though. I don't like it when it's so white lady to be like, gracias, you know. That's cultural appropriation. I don't believe in cultural appropriation, but that is. Some fucking frumpy white mom that's like 45 with like a martini or what do you call it?

Who cares? And she's drinking it and she's just like, gracias. That's, you deserve to be locked up for that. Not for long, for like an hour um but yeah dude dude i'm gonna do a hot take here comes hot take chris dude nobody believes me nobody agrees with me but bro i listened to two hours of ai music and whenever someone says what kind of music you listen to from now on i I'm going to say AI music because it's better than real music, dude. Yeah, I said it. I know it sucks, but I said it and I meant it because AI music really hits, dude.

I mean, okay, I get it. It's no Tracy Chapman fast car, but bro, like that's a real poignant, beautiful song, but how many beautiful awesome great songs are there that you know that I truly think are really great you know you know there's probably hundreds but AI music just started and it's already catchy? Like, bro, and the comedy of it? The median of AI music is way better than the median of regular music. Fucking fight with me, dude.

I'll die on that hill. The average AI song is better than the average regular music. Prove me wrong. Dude, I'm telling you, you can just be like 1950s AI singing about a breakup. And you just get some guy far away from the microphone. You know how they're always far away from the microphone and shit? In the 1950s? Like, nobody sounded like this.

They were just like, Hey, we're gonna... It's just so far away and shit. And, um... Yeah, bro, it's too funny, man. I listened to it over and over again. It's the kind of guy I funny, man. I listened to it over and over again. It's the kind of guy I am, man.

I think AI music, here's why I think it's good. Because the songs, there's so many songs, okay? There's too many songs. And by the way, I want to talk about stand up after this stand up reels uh there's's how like my wife goes to the supermarket. You know, I don't go to the supermarket like that. I go, Oh, uh, I'm going to go to supermarket and see what's up. You know, my wife is like, what are you doing? Come here. We need this. Okay.

Hey babe, can you go get the eggs? And I go like this. Does the supermarket have eggs? I don't know. All right. That's how it is. But AI music just goes in and is a female in a grocery store just scooping up what they need. And then you're set, dude.

Right? You're set. The meal is presented in music form from all of the songs that it needs. It's not some jackass that's singing at a coffee shop on a Monday at 6 p.m. in Arlington, you know what I mean? The cranberries, and people just want to eat their fucking, you know, tuna melt and vanilla latte, and I got to hear some guy, right? AI, they go like this. AI hears that song and they go, we don't need any of that. We don't need that shit. What did you want me to do?

What genre did you want? Country? Female? 1987? Gotcha. What's it about? A car? Dunzo.

It doesn't pick from that bullshit. I love it. I love it. I love it, dude. Because it's got the added value to it being funny. So, go fuck yourself. Here's the other thing that I wanted to talk about, which I forgot about, but then I remembered mid-talking about that. There's officially too much stand up online okay it's too much if you want i think if you want to i'm so sick of these reels dude that people post and they're they're dog they're dog shit and and and hey hey hey

try harder hey do stand up for longer and then post dude you're your own channel you're basically comedy central they wouldn't let you on so don't put it on yours hey if you've done stand-up for three years get offline or promote your day job because when you get on stage and you do stand up in an open mic with a guitar in arlington on monday at 6 p.m after a guy singing a cover of cranberries it's gonna be dog shit all right so here's the here's the you know a lot of times like yeah chris you complain a lot but you know you complain about the problem you don't ever have any solutions dude i got the solution permits you need from now on you fucking need a permit to to post a reel doing stand-up comedy all right and there's a committee there's a committee and it decides if you can post or not it doesn't even have to be rip-roaring funny it's very easy to get the permit it's very easy to get the permit

like if you're a touring comedian if you sell any tickets you get the permit right but you can't you can't get the permit if you just went up and happened to record your set at 6 p.m. on a Monday in Arlington, Virginia, going on after a guy did his cover of Zombie from the Cranberries. Okay? Because it's, you know why though? the cranberries okay because it's you know why though it's dog shit dude do they can you hear can you hear look and i get it look oh yeah the the professional comedian who goes out yeah he keeps his seats warm oh not too warm though because they stand sometimes when they're fucking club but But, you know, he's talking shit. Yeah, dude.

Yeah. I wish somebody would tell me that if I was that. So I'm telling you that, okay? You can make it. Just wait a little bit, dude. People saw Matt Rife and they were like, oh, he's young. I can do it. He had been doing it for 10 years and he's good at it, right? Oh, am i too much you know permits i think is the way to go there's a committee and and honestly every job has it you can't post shit online unless you've got a permit about your job,

unless you've got a permit about the job to post online. Like if you're a roofer, you know, dude, if I wanted to right now, I could start a roofing page and just be like, here's how you roof a house. You get some sand, bubble gum, and milk, and you get up there. And like idiots would just be like oh okay i guess you know i heard this guy online he was talking about how you need milk and sand and gum is that right i don't know and and and and and then i could like it everyone's just fucking up ruse because i have a following but you need a permit you need a roofing social media committee

that is in charge of this, and you need to, you know, I guess you don't need to renew it every year, but you need to at least get it, and I can't get it if I want to post about roofing. This is how you roof a house. No, dude, I post it, and then immediately it gets flagged.

Hey, actually, this content you cannot post. You have been rejected by the roofing social media committee. Your permit, you do not have your permit. Your permit expired. You didn't get it. You know, whatever it is,

just do standup clips. That's what you do. You're all good with the comedy community. It's just so crazy, you know, and then you get into, get into the fitness people, right? You get into people telling you trash diet crazy, you know? And then you get into, you get into the fitness people, right? You get into people telling you

trash diet stuff, you know? They can't do that. You got the permit. You need the, you need the committee. All right, whatever. I think that's how you do it. And I think that's good. And I don't know who's going to pay for it,

but that's what it should be. I mean, these reels are out, out, out, out of. Hey, where are you from? And what do you do for a living? Oh, what the heck? Look at this guy. Look at this guy.

What is he doing? He does what for a living? Okay, man. Why did it take you a long time to say that? Let's take a break and talk about ShipStation. You know, when we first started this podcast, we had some stuff to figure out about with our workflow and all that. And it was hard, but you work at it and you make some things better

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Why the fuck is it called Dune, dude? He says it once for no reason, too. Timothy Sportulet, just like, he's in the middle of talking, doing the fucking hearkening language, and then all of a sudden, he's like dune what you doing hey uh that movie i watched on the plane there hasn't been a bigger fuck you to a franchise since i watched amazing Spider-Man 2 before I watched Amazing Spider-Man from Chattanooga to Charleston.

So I watched Dune on the plane. Seen Dune 1. Dune to me, was a cologne commercial. Thank you very much. Nice to meet you. Then, Dune 2 came out. Guess what I did? I go like this. I go, oh, forgot Dune 1. Here's the deal. I don't know what's up. I need more of a giggle below.

I don't understand. My memory just goes, with the new binge way, know i know it's been busy for like five years ten years now i don't know your show came out a week ago and then you want me to follow up the second episode a week later hey dude good luck i don't remember okay i got kids and stuff I was thinking about. But like, Dune 2 came out. I turn it on. I go like, and I'm already lost, dude. They're like talking about the spices.

I'm like, oh yeah, spice. The spice is like the thing that is, it's like the gold for them, right? Like that's what they make them, okay. And then they got, what I want to know is like when they make a movie because they make movies where like you they have like a race of people that don't exist in real life but like you know like they're either an alien race or

you know whatever it is or the or is that jerky movie with fucking john travolta where they did it and uh was it was it harry belafonte where they switched races and shit the white was a black and black was a way i can't remember that movie but what was it called anyway um they'll make a movie with like a race of, of people or aliens or whatever the fuck. And then they'll like do a, uh, language for it, you know? And it's like, don't, don't do that. You know, like just have them just speak English. You might as well, do that you know like just have them just speak english you might as well dude right they already look weird they got heads of hammerhead sharks or whatever you know it's like you don't need all of this it's so weird anyway and the whole thing is sand and then there's worms underground

that can eat you that you can ride and and like spaces spaceships and, and, and like helicopters that, that do like this, like flies. And then, and then that's enough. Now I got to read the fucking screen because you just chose that on one planet, they speak English and on another planet, they speak Harkonnen and heart. And now the actors are just like, and now i okay oh no that's a different language i don't give a fuck make you speak english they already look weird as shit and they use uh uh uh dragonfly helicopters everything's different don't make me read the screen, okay? So that's one thing. Then, you know, because I get to see these actors and actresses and these directors and the writers, like,

you know they don't just say, hey, just do gibberish, which is what they for sure should do. But there's so many bad actors that they wouldn't be able to do it, right? Like, I could do it. If I was one of these guys and they were like we're just gonna do gibberish we'll dub it in later but this is what you say and then make it gibberish i could do that i could kill it i could go up there and he's like and they'd be like oh did he learn a language like it sounds like a language you know and it's not but because I'm a good actor, all right? Now, you get me across from like Reese Witherspoon.

She's fucked. She's fucked, right? And I'm not saying she's a bad actor. She just can't do that. You know what I'm saying? You get me across from Aaron Eckhart. He's fucked, dude. You think Aaron Eckhart could just be like, Nam-lun-snagnas-niven-am-na-ma-hart could just be like, He can't do it.

He's fucked, dude, right? So they're not doing that. So they're creating at least kind of a language. Which is like, of a language which is like you know dorks just jizzing all over you know like well it's actually not true harkening if you think about it because in the book it's like and it's like it's so they got to learn syllables so like you're you're you're javier Bardem learning a language phonetically? And it's like, dude, it's so wacky, bro. I just don't – I can't even understand the wackiness, dude.

It's good I'm out. It's good I'm out i'm out it's good i'm out if i'm on one of those sets and they go well chris four weeks you got four weeks to learn the the thing we got we got uh linguistics for four weeks you got to show up we're going a bunch of the actors are gone and you got to go with aaron eckhart and reese witherspoon i go oh for fuck's sake dude you know like i don't even even like even the war stuff that they do like they always make like when you do a war movie they always make like they go like well we got boot camp for you know my buddy did it one of the pacific and he had to go to like boot camp for for four weeks and it's like dude go fuck yourself just give me a gun i I can act like I'm in a fucking getting shot at, you know?

You don't need me to actually be going, help, help, help, help. Dude, acting is too easy. And don't make it harder than it is. Half the people are bad in it anyway, you know? I get it if you have to do like sword fighting or something. Of course, you know, you need to learn how to do that stuff. Yeah.

Need to make my own Hollywood. Whatever, at least it's 900 degrees in here. But yeah, so my Dune 2 was the bad guys are great and the fight scenes are great. And anytime it's not one of those things on screen, I go like this. I got to watch Zendaya and Timothy's Porsche lay together. Like, dude, I don't... I just... I don't know, man.

Remember movie stars? They used to be like fucking... the shit? I'm just old. To be like fucking. The shit. I'm just old. I'm just an old guy. But my uncle always says. Always like talks about. Like death.

And like. Things that are like, you know, like, hey, don't ever get near a kangaroo. Like, he'll be like that. You're like, what? He'll be like, they'll rip your face right off. And you're just like, oh, really? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, I heard they box. Like, oh, that's a fallacy. They'll just rip your face off and fuck you. And you're just like, oh, okay. We're at a bar mitzvah. You know? And, but that's what my uncle does. And there was a, I know this happened a while ago.

Actually, let me get the link here. It's in my texts, I think. Yeah, it definitely is in my texts. I sent it to my family. Where is it? A whole family. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. Oh, yeah, I'm going to be in Irvine this weekend.

Get tickets at crystalia.com. Where the fuck is it? I just had it. Here it is. So, I sent, hey, Uncle Mike, you have an Instagram account? And I sent him this because it was a joke. Because the post was, literally it said, the heartbreaking story of Sandra Harrell, the owner of the chimp who ripped off

Charla Nash's face in 2009. And I just go, well, gotta send this to my uncle. And he says, I sent him that. He says, no, not now, not ever. And I said, no, no, no, that's it. I'm making a joke that you sent that. And then he says, I read that story in the New York Times when it happened.

You know? And so I already knew this happened, but I'm just like, and he says, pretty horrific. He says, pretty horrific. He says, pretty horrific. Chimps are brutal when full grown and they eat meat. You know? I got crazy. But dude, this is absolutely, I don't know if you've heard about this, but this is just, this woman had a chimp, okay?

Right? Like it's a basset hound. Just had one, right? Okay? Raised it. Raised it. You don't raise a chimp. You have a chimp. You know? You don't raise a chimp. You have a chimp.

You know? You don't raise a dog. You got dogs. So, the reason why I got dogs is because they're, they're nice. Right?

They're pretty good in houses. You know? They won't kill you unless they're pit bulls. I know. I shouldn't say it because a lot of people

say, no, it's the owner, not the dog. And you go, yeah, but how many Yorkies would it take to kill me? Huh? 25? How many pit bulls? One, right? So I'm just like, okay, bad owner or not, still. Anyway, even golden retrievers, I'd take like three.

I could fuck them up. I could fuck one up for sure. Maybe two. Not three. Maybe three. Not four. But you don't raise them. You have them.

I don't even care if you're out there doing uh breeding right but this monkey this this look at this for 14 years sandra harold raised her pet chimp travis like a son and don't call it travis call it banana head or something you know treating him to the finest foods, dressing him in human clothes. Yo, take that monkey away from that fucking chick. All right? And even teaching him to ride a bike and brush his own teeth. First of all, you think the monkey isn't pissed off for doing this?

My son doesn't even want to brush his teeth. You're going to have a chimp in your backyard and be like ready for bed and dress it dude you know what i say when i say hey buddy we gotta put our clothes up we gotta go to we gotta go to school he goes oh i just wear this dude hey how about a 240 pound chimp so Chimp! So, anyway, on February 16, 2009, Travis was agitated. Now, you might be like, well, why? That's weird. No, it's not. Chimp.

Okay? He was not interested in his television shows. That's what this says. Well, hmm. Got one reese. Chimp. All right? He wasn't interested in his pet cat.

Got one Reese, chimp. He didn't have a pet cat. He had food that isn't ready yet, okay? Raw food, all right? Wasn't interested in any of his favorite activities. Now, chimps love activities, but not the ones that Sarah Harold, Sandra Harold, was making him do. Like, ride a bicycle, dude. Because chimp. All right? His behavior startled Harold so much that she reportedly dropped a Xanax into his afternoon tea. Now, don't give animals human drugs, not because maybe you can't,

maybe you can, but you're not a doctor and also sit champ, right? Gave him Xanax. Now, at some point in the afternoon, this is from the Instagram post of Real History Uncovered, by the way, so you know it's legit travis slipped out the back door of their stanford i like slipped out like it's like he's like like it was definitely loud you know it's a fucking monkey like like he was like like he was like with his collar up up. Shh. Stanford, Connecticut home and refused to come back inside. Frustrated,

Harold called her friend Sharla Nash to help her round up the rambunctious quote-unquote chimp. Bro, if you have a chimp, that's like, that, honestly, the gall to be like yo my chimp's out of control i gotta call my fucking friend my my female friend by the way that has no that that that i'm you might as well call up somebody and be like yo

could you come over and make my bed like it's just so no what yeah i just and it's way worse than that because you could you could die right um so charlotte here here's how it goes if someone calls me hey hey my chip so hey what's up hello hey what's up hey chris what's up dude you're not gonna believe this anyway dude can you come over and really kind of could you come just check out my chimp? My chimp's in the backyard. I don't know what the hell's going on. He's not riding his bike. He wouldn't brush his teeth. And it's really weird. He wouldn't, he didn't, he, you know, go figure. He didn't want to watch American Ninja. And I, and he usually loves the show. And I'm like, okay, that's odd. Wasn't into the pet cat. And that's his, we got that for him so i'm like uh

he's in the backyard he's getting frustrated i'm getting a little worried can you come can you come help me get him inside and bring bananas the phone is already at if you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. Message C5. Oh, shit, dude. That used to happen in the 90s, I swear it. Message C5.

Why would it do that, dude? It was so obnoxious. It was so many fucking combos bro it was so many annoying combos you just hang up and and and and and and and and and and and message c5 just the just the fucking most annoying combos dude you hear it from fucking three houses down hang up your phone um so anyway that's how the phone call goes i mean no i'm not coming over to fucking no and the friendship is over and i'm eating a bunch of bananas not bringing them over i don't even want bananas but i'm eating them now so to make sure there's less bananas in the world that you could feed the monkey this is your your fucking bed you made. You make your bed, you lay in it.

Message C5. I'm going to hit you with the annoying combo. So, anyway, Charlotte Nash to help her round up the rambunctious chip. Instead, when Nash arrived, instead, that's not, it shouldn't even be an instead. You shouldn't get to use the word instead

when it's just so obvious what's going to happen. You know? Like, you know? Like, yeah, I was playing Russian roulette and I watched my friend blast himself in the face. I thought we were all going to win. You know, we were going to get through three rounds at least. But instead, instead, Francis blew his fucking brains out through his chin. You know, you don't say it for that.

Yeah, I was going to eat it. You know what? I'm lactose intolerant but i thought ah fuck it i had a whole cheese pizza didn't take any of my pills i thought i was gonna go to bed instead i shit my brains out you don't get to use instead for that because that's just what's gonna happen all right um so instead this is what it says. When, when Nash arrived, God, imagine this scene. Travis, the monkey, remember brutally mauled her in a violent frenzy, tearing off her eyelids, which dude think about that even if that was just it now congratulations your eyes are open forever

you know what i mean just just forever like the clockwork orange scene just never able to just dry as fuck you know you gotta blink them yourselves you just gotta walk around you gotta go like this talking to people just yeah it's hilarious yeah it's hilarious yeah why you touch your eyes well i have to manually blink um so it says mauled her in a violent frenzy tearing off her eyelids, nose dude

nose bro how hard did the monkey have to pull you know the three stooges this is the fourth stooge and you know, like the three stooges, just that this is the fourth stooge. And, uh,

the nose, the jaw, which by the way is, you is totally, I think you can take a job as a human monkey for sure. It can do it. Uh, lips,

scalp. Yo, you know, and Lips. Scalp. Yo, you know? And. Bro. Her hands. You know? Like. Not only.

Did they. Did the monkey rip your face to shreds, but then you can't even check to see what's left because the monkey's got your hands too. You know? And you can even ask someone about, hey, can you check and see what the monkey took? Because you don't have lips. And you can see it all because you can't close your eyes.

Okay? So this is the worst thing that's ever happened in the world, right? At least monkey-wise. And Sarah Herold ended up stabbing the 240-pound ship. I mean, dude, I can't even think of how horrific this must have been stabbing the 240 pound chimp she regarded as a son he craves in an attempt to stop the attack he looked at me like this is her quote mom Mom, what did you do? She later recalled. Eventually, police arrived at the scene

and shot and killed Travis. They should have shot... Sandra. Sorry, I was scrolling up to look for her name. And then she says, Sandra Harold never quite got over the loss of her son. Hey, what about the loss of your friend's eyelids? Hey, dude, don't say that. Took your friend's jaw. Oh, man, I really miss my son monkey. Oh no, my friend's hands too. Yeah,

sure. I'm just saying like, oh, it's fucking so sad. Oh, this is like that fucking thing. I was talking about the other episode. Um, bear grizzly man. We've got the monkey Sarah Harold has the monkey and she has a monkey in her backyard she's a fucking lunatic it is her quote-unquote son the monkey didn't like any of what did he sound like let me see how he sounds like for what's it what's the guy's name again? Werner Herzog. Fucking... It's German. Werner Herzog, you know? Herzog. Werner?

Herzog? Werner? Werner. All right, here we go. Whatever. I mean, dude. He or she is Lenin, Napoleon Bonaparte.

Napoleon Bonaparte Napoleon Bonaparte could they just go crazy could they just go crazy reminds me of another dude Sadra what's her name Herzog

wait a minute that's not her Harold Sir Harold she has a monkey chimp Wait a minute. That's not her. Harold. Sir Harold, she has a monkey chimp she thinks is her son. She knew things were particularly alarming when he was not interested in his television shows. So she stabbed him. Dude, I just... Just don't... I don't know.

People are just... I don't know. I mean, honestly, the whole thing's sad as fuck, so it's like... ...had enough of their colony. Um, well, I've never seen a penguin bashing its head against a rock. You know? Man, some documentaries are just boring as shit.

And they just mean to do that, you know? Happy Father's Day, Christian. Everly is lucky to have you. Go to holler.baby.com if you want to purchase a shout-out. Dude. Nike Settles. I've talked to this guy before, Cool Key. They're saying that he ripped off the design.

All sneakers kind of look the same, bro. Oh, it's nice. They settled it? Wait, no. Oh, it settled it. Oh, wow. Nike's crazy. They don't give a fuck.

I got a... The way it says, a knockoff. Genuine heroin highs. K knockoffs. Ami knockoffs? What's Ami? All right. I'm going to faint.

It's so hot. So I got to stop. But I appreciate you guys. That's it. If you want to watch the rest of the episode, go to patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. Thank you very much. I'm out.