Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 388. Operation Do-It-To-Em

Episode Date: June 27, 2024

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Runk. And let's go and let's have lunch. Remember I told you about that, you guys? Remember I told you about that, everybody in this world that ever listened to Congratulations podcast? I had a foreign exchange student when I was in high school and he said he was Japanese. No. Was he Japanese or Korean? Well, started off the podcast racist, but I don't remember. I think he was actually Korean. Started off the podcast racist, but I don't remember.

I think he was actually Korean. And he said, hey, Chris, I've been trying to learn my American accent. Do you want to hear it? And I said, yeah. And he said, he leaned into me and said, let's have lunch. And that's it. And we should stop the show after that because it's not going to get better than that. But that did happen. And I'll never forget it.

But the – actually, my son said something super funny the other day. Hold on. Let me take my magic mind. Housed it. It's small, so you can house it. But I housed it. Magic mind. So I am putting my son to bed last night. Actually, he said a few funny things. Oh, no, this is the thing he said. He said, putting my son to bed last night, right? I do it. It it's my thing i love doing it i have um

a uh i you know sometimes i'm out of town so i don't get to do it so when i am home i make sure to do it and uh brush his teeth put him in bed and um we're laying there and he you know he'll sit up and sometimes and he'll go back down but he said he he looked at me and he said what the can i say that and i said can you say what what the i said you what the yeah he said can i say what the heck i said yeah you can say what the heck sure yeah and he said hey dad i have a secret for you. And I said, what? And he leaned into my ear and he said, I can't say shit, right? And I said, well, yeah, you can't say, I mean, dude, the breath,

the exhale of the in my ear just, I can't say shit, right? And I said, well, yeah, you shouldn't say it buddy i mean it's a bad word but it's one of those things that if you say it it's it's it's not like you're gonna get in trouble but from us but you know if you say it around other people they might take it the wrong way and it's a little bit disrespectful like if you say it to uh other grown-ups they might think it's disrespectful but if you say it to other kids then they might get home and they um might say it to their parents and then they'll say where did you learn that then they'll say from you and then they'll be in trouble and then my son said and then they'll get in jail.

And I just said yes, because I don't want to deal with it. All good, dude. So you get in jail if your kid says shit. I don't know, but it was really cute, dude. And I literally live for moments like that, so it's all good. I live for the moment. Through it. I'm respectful of my disrespect um anyway it's been a blast dude it's been a blast with this shoulder pain man love it saw a doctor today on friggin facetime because that's what we do now well I don't ever want to go anywhere anymore

I just want to be on FaceTime or Zoom period that's it um and he was like raise your arm I don't do it I was like where's it hurt showed me and he was like all right all right I'll send you a referral for an MRI and I go dude all I wanted let's do it so can't wait to get into that all I wanted, let's do it. So can't wait to get into that cylindrical where it's just so loud, dude. And then before you go in, they're always like, now listen, some people experience anxiety. If you experience anxiety, just hit this red button

and this and that. And I'm just like, dude, I think this will be okay. It's just a loud noise, right? Like, I don't care about that at all. Like, if I know if it's coming, I don't care. Like, yeah, it's about 10 minutes. I was like was like okay they freaked me out before i even went in i went in piece of cake dude um yeah i was in that thing like just it was came back all good just muscle stuff but yeah um anyway, anyway, I'm going to do an MRI.

And I was like, dude, I was like, yo, just, I said to the doctor, I was like, listen, man. He's like, maybe we could do physical therapy. I just don't want to make sure this doesn't happen again. I was like, oh, man, I'm at the point now. I'm like, just give me, can we just do surgery? Like, I don't even care. I have to get my colonoscopy. Boy, that's creepy.

Tell me more about that. All I want to do is just i don't just fix my body however it works like fix it i'll go under i don't i'll go under for honestly if i have a scrape i don't care i used to never want to go under people die from that you know like kanye's mom and michael jackson or something i don't know i make stuff up but people do die from it and uh you know anesthesiologist talk about stressful anesthesiologist and we're gonna put you out here we go and count back from 10 9 and there we go keep counting back there we go and you're gonna be out in about two seconds and there we go and okay and oh i put too much in about two seconds. And there we go. And okay. Oh, I put too much in.

Okay. So he died. I mean, you know, how much? They put fentanyl in there, dude. Ow! Fentanyl. You ever see the cop open up the back trunk and there's fentanyl in a box? And he just opens the box and he just goes, pizza.

Oh, hey, dude. Tell my family I love them. Oh, dude. Fentanyl just like the forest gump feather. Ring, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Ring, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Ring, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Ring, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Ring, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Tell my family I love them. Dude, just straight up Fentanyl You can't be around fentanyl Without it affecting you, dude It's like Andy Dick Dude, you just can't Dude, if you have fentanyl anywhere Within like, I mean, dude, just Google it

Cop passing out from fentanyl Oh, what's this here? Oh, let Google it. Cop passing out from fentanyl. Oh, what's this here? Oh, let's see what this guy. Ring-da-da-ding, ding-ding. Ring-ding-ding. Ring-da-da-ding, ding-ding. Tell my wife I love her.

Dude, he just went and hit the gravel, dude. They put that Narcan on him, though, dude. That's why he keeps my Narcan on me, dude, just in case I get a sniff of fentanyl. But anyway, dude, that's how they do it with, what do you call it, anesthesia. And count backwards from 100, and there we go. And you should be going out soon, and there we go. And okay, now just breathe, and there we go. And I put too much, he's dead.

That's how quick it happens. Too much fentanyl, sorry, he died, so anyway, dude, you know, but they do die from that, but I'm just like, just fix my body at this point, I'm 44, and like, I haven't worked out in a few weeks, and I'm like, oh, I, now I'm actually an old man, so, like, I bent down the other day, I was just like oh I bet this looks so bad you know I'm like I bet this looks just I better look like a fucking praying mantis you know I mean just a clothed praying mantis I bet I just look like, you know, I was like creeped out, hunched. And I'm like, I don't work out for the past few weeks because of my shoulder.

And I'm just like, and every time I say my shoulder, my son says, just take three deep breaths. And I'm like, I only say that to you because it's a trick. Take three deep breaths breaths and I do it and he's like feel better and I'm like yeah because I got to keep up the lie now you know I just want him to be like take three deep breaths

and I go like it's a lie and Santa's not real um anyway um I don't know man so i guess i'll get an mri can't wait maybe i'll live stream it can't do that though right because of the uh the magnetic stuff take your belt off there was a guy who had like something in him like a uh like like a sexy kinky thing like a like a sexy kinky thing, like an anus plug or something, and he had it in his bum, and it was metal, and he didn't tell the doctor, went to the MRI,

ripped up into his chest, all good. That was Jeremy Renner and Tupac on that one. But yeah, that was just, I mean, could you imagine? Oh, you know what? Wait, you know what? I haven't mentioned something. I'm wondering. was just, I mean, could you imagine? Oh, you know what? Wait, you know what? I haven't mentioned something. I'm wondering if just the fuck, just the thing from the, just getting taken out by a,

by a, by a, uh, an anal plug. Oh, you know what? I forgot to mention. What's that? Just in your heart and just tell my wife. I love her. Tell my husband. I love him. Oh, he had an, you know what, he had an anal plug-in. Let's get him out. Imagine dying from something like that. And that's just your legacy. Yeah, I don't know.

Torrance, California. I'll be there with brian callen june 30th uh i'm coming to uh australia actually tomorrow no friday night i'll be at the kookaburra lounge which is a new club in hollywood uh go to chrislee.com australia i'll be there soon auckland new zealand i'll be there soon san diego i just added uh i'm gonna be at the laugh factory down there july 26 27th and then i got Memphis Dallas, Wichita, Kansas, Oxnard California, McAllen, Texas Beaumont, Peterborough

I mean I have a lot, Ontario, Ontario London, Ontario, Duluth, Minnesota Thunder Bay, Ontario Lexington, Kentucky, Birmingham, Alabama I got a bunch of Alabama dates and then Sioux Falls, go get your tickets at chrisleah.com thank you very much guys yeah, so

that's what's going on. I don't know, man. I was at the Laugh Factory the other night. Special guest. Well, you know, honestly, I wasn't even... Look, I was a special guest. However, there was a real actual special guest. I did my show.

I was on stage. No, no. Before I was on stage. I go to i go to the laugh factory and uh my buddy adam w on you know huge on youtube tiktok instagram he's just like yo yo, Ryan Garcia wants to come to the Laugh Factory and try stand-up. And I say, well, okay, I can bring him. He wants you to bring him on stage, and you can roast him a little bit, and then he wants to try stand-up. And I'm like, are you sure? And he's like, let me get back and confirm.

Yes, he's sure. Okay, so okay. Okay. yes he's sure okay so okay okay and gets to the laugh factory um and i see him i never i've never met him before i know i know adam uh but i see him come in and he's like first of all he's you know a handsome dude uh you know i always wondered like i i know i've met boxers before but i i don't know really i don't know boxers know a lot of ufc guys um and uh he comes in and he goes oh man i don't know what i'm doing dude why am i what am i doing and i'm like and everyone's like he's so nervous like his camp is with him yeah like i think boxers have to roll with like nine at least nine people i don't think that boxers can be around without it is weird that

boxers are always around nine people and like two of them are bodyguards and also they could kick the shit out of anybody boxer so um but anyway he shows up and he's like oh man i'm so nervous i don't know what i'm doing and i was like dude it's well you don't have to do it he's like no i want to do it i want to do it now let me tell you something dude it's so weird to see a guy who is on top of his game, right? And one of the best in his field, then do another thing. And all of a sudden they are, and it's not, it has nothing to do with talent. You're just, when you begin something, you're bad at it. Okay. Period. You go look at my, look, I have talent as a standup comedian. You go look at my early gigs, bad, okay?

Yeah, you can tell there's a hint of something there. However, bad. The badness seeps in. Or rather, you have to let the goodness seep in. Whatever it is. Poetry, dude. And I didn't even mean to. But so he comes up.

He's like, oh, man, I'm nervous. I'm like, well, you don't have to. He's like, no, I'm going to do it, dude. I got to do it. I was like, what are you going to say? He's like, I don't really know. I've been working on i'm like well you don't have to he's like no i'm gonna do it dude i gotta do it i was like what are you gonna say he's like i don't really know i've been working on some stuff but i don't really know i was like weren't you just at a poker game like he was just at a poker game with namor and some other athletes and then another guy and he you know he had lost

like tens of thousands of dollars or whatever he had his pants down ron garcia i don't know him and i'm just like i can't wait to meet this larger than life guy. So he shows up like nervous, which is like adorable. Okay. It was honestly quite adorable because the guy is on top of his game. Right. And then also he's nervous about something that, that, that also he's looking to me for like advice and help, which is adorable. So I'm like, okay, well, here's your advice.

It's not going the way that no matter what happens, it's not going to be the way you think it is. Everyone laughs like his camp. So he's like, I'll bring you on stage. And then he goes, hey, dude, will you stay up there with me? Which is adorable. And I go, yeah, sure. Yeah, awesome. I'll stay up there. I'll Which is adorable. And I go, yeah, sure. Yeah, awesome.

I'll stay up there. I'll make sure shit doesn't go crazy, go south. Because shit can, let me tell you, dude, shit can go south, right? Shit can go south real quick. If you don't know how to deal with it on stage, the second you gulp, the second somebody heckles or ass or throws you off when you're in the beginning of your career,

the second something happens and if you let a come out, you're fucked. Dude, sayonara. You're done. You're fucked. So I'm going to make sure he doesn't gulp and I'm there, right? So I'll hang back. So I go going to make sure he doesn't gulp, and I'm there, right? So I'll hang back. So I go up on stage, I do my set, and they say, I say, let me in 13 minutes, and then I'll bring up Ryan Garcia.

So now, look, I know Ryan Garcia is super famous, all right? I also know he's in a world that I don't really know about. I don't know about boxing that much, okay? So I know who he's in a world that I don't really know about. I don't know about boxing that much. Okay. So I know who he is though. So he's obviously very famous. If I know who somebody is and I'm not in, I don't know their world, then they're, they're, they're pretty famous at least.

Okay. So I'm on stage and I'm like, I'm going to bring them up. I wonder how it's going to be. Right. Because when I go up on stage as a special guest, sometimes people lose their minds. Sometimes they do absolutely nothing. And I'm just like, okay, this is not my audience then. And that's good because I got to win them over, right? So when I went on stage, they didn't do, they gave me like a little bit like, oh, okay. But it wasn't, I was like, oh man,

this might be a little bit of a, you know, because I'm working some new stuff. It might be a little bit of an uphill battle for me, whatever, fine. So I get on stage. I start doing my material. It starts, you know, it works. It's a great crowd, okay?

And so the crowd's so good. So I'm like, oh, I wonder why they didn't give it up. I'm so insecure. I'm like, I wonder why they didn't give up to me when I first went out there. They did, but not, you know what i mean i'm insecure so so i'm like i hope that they really appreciate the fact that i'm going to bring this world famous dude on stage even though he's not a comedian right because he wants to try stand-up so i start doing crowd work i start you know murdering this dude from romania in the front row that has a fucking shirt

on that says romania which is just like that just is like the most ridiculous thing so um i give it to him a little bit in like a fun way also because he's being very loud and looks like jar jar binks and so he um so so i say all right look i i that's my time i want to say as give it up. I say, I want to bring somebody on stage, a very special guest, and he's never done stand-up before, but he's world famous, and I hope you appreciate it. Give it up for Ryan Garcia. The place goes bonkers, okay? It goes nuts.

So I'm like, oh, okay, good. This will be easy for it. Not easy, but this will be there you know because look i guys suppose the crowd could be like we got to watch a fucking boxer do stand-up now but they do not feel that way they're like oh shit you know there were some guy from romania is like i get to watch this guy you know and it's a special night it's a special thing for them you know he's gonna do a few minutes i'm gonna still hang up there make sure everything's good so the video is on my instagram if you go watch it

but so he goes uh on stage comes up and starts talking a little bit and it does one says one thing and they laugh a little bit and then he looks at me and i'm like oh i'll just fucking so we kind of did like a thing anyway dude that's this was going to be the fighter and the kid from It says one thing and they laugh a little bit. And then he looks at me and I'm like, oh, I'll just fucking. So we kind of did like a thing. Anyway, dude, that's what's going to be the fighter and the kid from now on. That's the fighter and the kid now. But he's a really, it was fun, dude. It was really fun and it was cool.

And I got to say, props to him for just fucking doing it like he was doing a poker game and then was like I just want to try stand up and then went and did it and that's like the kind of guy that's like a I mean to have that like athlete's mindset of like I'm just going to try it

it's going to be so hard I'm going to bomb but fuck it I have to do it, athlete's mindset of, like, I'm just going to try it. It's going to be so hard. I'm going to bomb, but fuck it. I have to do it is crazy, dude. Because I'm like, I wonder if I had to bomb. Like, dude, it's so funny because it's like an art. But, like, a lot of guys, like, look, Ryan Garcia is not going to start a stand-up career, right? He just wanted to do it just to, like, be silly. Fine. Totally get it.

They get to see a celebrity boxer and they, whatever. It's all good. Like, be silly? Fine. Totally get it. They get to see a celebrity boxer. Whatever. It's all good. But it's like, that's exactly... Like, if you're somebody who just... Like, there's so many people who... Like, T.I. just decided to do stand-up.

And he really tried to do a run at it. And just, like, would do 40 minutes. And I don't even know what he was talking about. And people would, would like kind of laugh and he was trying to work material and okay. But like it's so hard. And then after like the initial, oh, look, it's fucking T.I.

You go, all right, where's the jokes? And it takes a long time to get good at standup. Just like it takes a long time to get good at boxing, okay? So just like it takes a long time to get good at everything except for like, you know, other stuff that doesn't take a long time people want to do but um they might that's how now i really realize how boxers must feel about all these celebrity boxing matches and i'm just like yeah because if it it's a weird when it's an artistic thing.

When it's just fighting. When it's a clear outcome who wins, it's obvious. But when it's an art thing, people give it a little bit more like, yeah, let's see you get on stage, you know? But that takes balls, man. It really does.

I was impressed that somebody would even go, because I remember my first time going on stage. I could barely even walk on stage, but he's done fight conferences before. You could see that in him. Anyway, it was cool. My son, he was eating salami the other day

and started choking for one second one second he just goes and he goes and I go I grab me says no I'm okay I'm okay and I'm like okay um yeah buddy I'm doing a podcast and I watch him choke and I grab him and I pull him up and he goes no I'm okay put me down and I was like okay I pull him up, and he goes, no, I'm okay. Put me down. And I was like, oh, okay. I put him down. Dude, and I walked out onto my balcony. And, dude, there's something about that that fucked me up so badly.

Worse than the swimming thing. Worse than seeing him get get like in in underwater by mistake and like coming up and coughing there's something about the choking thing that is so messed up for me to see i don't know what it is it's like i it's like when in an in an in a previous life i died by like swallowing a chicken bone and and I walked out on the balcony and I had this instinct of like ah bury that emotion bury it bury it ah fucking bury it I don't need to feel that I sat down in my chair on the balcony and i and i say and i'm like and my wife is out there and i say man calvin just like choked a little bit on on salami

and she's like oh really is he okay and i was like yeah he's okay and she was like oh good and i was like but it really bothered me and she was like well that's okay it you know he didn't he didn't choke it just for a little bit and it's. And I was like, but it really bothered me. And she was like, well, that's okay. It, you know, he didn't, he didn't choke it just for a little bit and it's fine. And I was like, I know, but I just want to like hug him and like make sure he's okay. And she was like, well, he's okay. And then I realized like, oh, I can't, like, I can't make it about me. No, I want to hug you anyway. You know, I got to let him put me down. So I'm like, I'm't make it about me. No, I want to hug you anyway, you know? I got to let him, because he's like, put me down.

So I'm like, okay, put him down. So they're like, I'm the one that's traumatized. And I'm like, on the balcony, and I'm like, maybe I should just bury it. And she was like, just feel it, it's okay.

Dude, I'm sitting on the balcony. I'm a little bit emotional, but I bury it, because I'm like, I don't want to feel that. I don't want to think about that kind of shit. I can't even think. Someone tells me like war stories that happened in the actual wars. And I'm like, I can't think of this shit. Families needed to be evacuated from that.

I can't think about this shit. Right. Kristen is like, hey, I'm going to go out to dinner with my friends, and then we're going to meet you at the Laugh Factory. And I say, awesome. Now, I love one thing before my shows, going and getting frigging coffee. That's what I love, dude. Okay. So my wife says, I say, Hey, when are you, when are you going to dinner? She says, she says, dinner's at eight. Okay. So I go, Oh, in my head, you'll go get dinner. When you go get dinner, I'll go get coffee

and then I'll meet you at the Laugh Factory. Yes, he planned it out in his head, all right? Now, I'm chilling, as one does, and it's 8. And I say in my head, hold on a second. It's eight. I don't remember my wife leaving. Hey, hey, life, what are you doing? Hey, hey, hey, hey, things that happen, it wasn't supposed to be like this. And so I say, oh, I go upstairs. Hey, hey, my wife's on the bed doing makeup. Hey, things that happen, it wasn't supposed to be like this.

Hey, plans. What? Come on, plans. Come on, plans. And I say, what are you doing? She says, oh, don't worry about it. I say, what do you mean? Dinner at eight? She said, I pushed it a little bit. I say, oh, okay, cool. So I go back downstairs and dude, hey half an hour wait a minute hey wait a minute a half an hour again so i let it go because i'm like i have a half an hour 8 30 it's not okay who the fuck makes in my head i'm trying not to get mad at just everything in my head like who the fuck plans dinner at eight and is in and by 8 30 they're still in the house but i'm living with it i'm like i'm not i'm just gonna live with that i wouldn't do that but hey you know what she pushed it back okay cool she pushed it back how far she pushed it back how do you push back a reservation oh it doesn't matter

oh you know what fuck it i'm on your nine o'clock hey wait a second nine o'clock what are you doing here so now i go upstairs and i say hey babe it's nine and she says yeah said, dinner's at 8. And she says, I know. I'm just going to go meet them. And I'm going to go meet them. And you, I'm going to go meet them. And then we'll meet you at your show. And I say, my show that starts at 10? Excuse me for sounding like an Indian chief, but how? And she says, oh, well, when do you go up?

And I say, well, the show's at 10. I go up around 10.30. And she says, oh, yeah, we'll make it. And I go, life. Right? But I'm, life. Right? But I'm all good. Okay? So she's finally ready.

Hey, 915, what are you doing here? Comes downstairs, reapplies some makeup, 930, get out of town. She says, oh, okay, I'm ready. Five more minutes go by. Five minutes, what are you doing here? So now it's 9.40 and she says, would you mind? Dude, would you mind taking me and dropping me off to dinner? File's done.

Dude, hey. file's done dude hey uh hey life all right now these are minor these are minor things that happen in people's life i understand there are people out there that go through really hard times but plans come on plans and so dude i i here's the thing the coffee bean i like to go to oh fuck he's gonna say it no no don't say it no come on don't say about the coffee no he's going to say it. No, no, don't say it. No, come on, Chris, don't say it. Oh, but the coffee. No, he's going to say it. No, I think it'd be, no, come on, come on. The coffee bean closes at 10. Fuck, he said it. It closes at 10.

But he's got to, now, dude, here's what she hits me with. Here's what she hits me with. Oh, if you can't, I'll just Uber. That's a test. Nice to meet you, test. So now I say, I'll drive you. And she says, well, what's wrong? Is anything okay?

I was like, well, I want to get coffee, but I'll figure it out. She's like, we can get coffee after that, right? You're not supposed to, not till 1030. She thought she had me. I was like, yeah, but the coffee being closed is a 10, so it's all good. Slamming her face, but it's fine. And she's like, you know what? I can find coffeeming her face, but it's fine. And, you know, I can find coffee in another place.

So I go, I said, where is it? She says, it's on the way. And guess what? It's not. Not on the way.

Nice to meet you. Dude, so, it's not on the way. When a chick says something's on the way, you know one thing, guys, it's goddamn for sure it's not on the way.

So, so, I go all the way over to a different area to where I'm not going. I drop her off, and it's, dude, 9.55. What are you doing? So I can't make it over to the coffee bean. It's all good. So I drop her off, and I'm like, you know what?

At least that was good. I'm going to look up a coffee place that closes at, hey, dude, that closes at 11 because I'm smart. I don't have to go to the coffee bean. Fine. I wanted to go to the one I go to, but I didn't have to. So I'm going to go to the ones that close at 11. Dude, he went to four different coffee shops that said they close at 11 on Yelp.

And all of them were goddamn closed. Hey, life. I didn't get coffee. It's the only thing I wanted to do. I didn't get coffee. I get to the laugh factory. Dude, you're about to realize how human I am. We went to, we went to, I went to the lab factory and she said, and I get it.

I get a text from my wife. Hey, my friends actually don't want to come. I'm going to stay here. I can't convince them. Guess what I thought of right then in that moment? Guess what I thought of right then in that moment that I received the text from my wife that she wasn't coming to my show at the Laugh Factory? You probably can't guess it, but I'm going to tell you.

I thought of my son choking on the salami okay and it was too much and i started crying okay okay it was too much now i didn't cry because dude this is so funny holy shit oh my god dude i didn't cry because i didn't cry because my wife couldn't come. The fact that I'm even saying this is ridiculous. Hey, dude, it was just too much. It was just too much to deal with for me that day.

Okay? And I go, I'm going to bomb on stage so fucking hard. i'm gonna kill dude let's turn this around so dude i started thinking of my son choking on the salami i'm like man this fucking world is so hard i'm scared i'm scared of being like a father i'm scared of like not being in control i'm scared of all these things that could happen and I can't control any of it. Oh dude. I was like, maybe I'll start to do drugs. And I wrote my group on the text chain and I was like, guys, I, I, I'm going to just check this in right now. I can't deal with this. I'm losing my mind. I don't know what's going on. And they were like, you can't control it. Don't try to all good. Previously, what would you have done six years ago? If all this stuff happened,

what would have you done six years ago? If all this stuff happened and I didn't write it, put in my head, I said, I'd be knee deep in some bus. Right I don't so you know to numb out dude and um they're like don't you know they talked me through it dude and it was just such a minuscule thing that would turn into a huge snowball and I I I I was so scared I was thinking about dude life is fucking absolutely crazy because I was thinking about in that moment I had kids and what if I didn't like what would I be doing right now and what you know because Butters is you know on his last legs and I'm like I just got Butters 12 13 years ago and it's been fun with him but honestly he's been like he pisses in the house sometimes I get pissed off and like now he's just gonna die and I'm just gonna be

sad it's like I got myself sadness in 12 years and and obviously having a dog is much different than having a family I know that and like but I'm like I'm so upset that I saw my son choke a little

bit on salami that how the fuck am i gonna get through the rest of my goddamn life dude this is all the shit i'm thinking of because my wife because the levee's broke, dude! Because the levee's broke, dude! Because she had to fucking have, uh... Tapas with her friends! Oh, fuck. So I got on stage and I fucking... SHOT!

IT! DOWN! So I got on stage and I fucking shot it down. Because I had to, dude. Operation do it to him. He came out, dude, and he wasn't... Dude, he came out and he was swinging. Operation do it to him fuck yeah dude got out of that one oh he was in turmoil oh really yeah oh was crying over things he shouldn't have cried about. Oh, really?

Oh, nice to meet you. 8, 830. 9, what are you doing here? 915, 930. Can't go to Coffee Bean because it's closed. Nice to meet you. Life, come on. Whoopsie-daisy.

Shooom. Chris can't come. Can't convince him. Boink. Woo. Shh. Brew. Boink. Chris can't come, can't convince him. Eat the tear. Oh, yeah? He comes out swaying.

Yes, got out of that one. Turned his whole mood around, dude. And guess what? That's bitch shit. Because I should have just sat in it, dude. I should have sat in it. But I didn't. Stand up is not my drug or whatever, you know, you want to say.

Working out or Nvidia, you know, whatever the fuck I'm obsessed about foreign movies I just I get you ever tried just sitting it sucks so you got to think about your son choking on salami you know amazing me isn't that amazing so i'm just like the next day i woke up the next day i woke up and i fucking was a little bit better and it all passes i guess and it's like dude it's so funny because like you see these look okay look i'm a celebrity all right whatever to to whatever degree you think like even if it's a fucking f celebrity that's fine i don't care

but people know who i am and it's like you see the stuff like like like for instance you see the that night it was the ryan garcia came and i showed him on stage and like i posted that and and you see that you see me laughing on stage with a world famous boxer and they're like, I posted that. And you see that. You see me laughing on stage with a world famous boxer. And you're like, oh, that's his life. You know? You know? They go, that's that guy's life. And it's like, yeah.

Yeah, looks like it, huh? But also, mince a minter inner turmoil isn't that crazy dude because people are just like people you know it's so interesting right you never know what kind of day somebody's having i um I, yeah, I don't know how we're not all honestly blown to smithereens with everybody just going on in their head with the shit that they are going through, period. You know, in their heads and then meet up with someone else that has something else going on in their head. And it's like, how do those people not kill each other? They go like this. Yeah, well, America is crazy because, you know, they kill each other with guns.

And it's like, dude, that's nothing. I thought I would have thought, oh, you're an alien, you know. Oh, what happens on Earth? Yeah, a bunch of humans. And they all have the same hive mind. No, they happens on Earth? Yeah, a bunch of humans. And they all have the same hive mind? No, they all want different things. They do, really. Yes. Oh, so they will die. Eventually, but mostly from natural causes. Oh, what? They don't kill each other? We would. If we weren't in hive mind, we would kill each other. Hey, hey, me-bore,

guess what? They're not in hive mind. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, MeBorg, guess what? They're not in Hivemind. Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya. They're all laughing. They're not in Hivemind. They're what? What? Oh, they will be dead in two weeks. No, they've been living thousands of years. Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya.

They must be in Hivemind and are lying. No, they aren't. They want different things. Ya, ya, men want to fuck and women want to dance. Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya. Men want to fuck and women want to dance. Men want to fuck and women want to talk about other people. Men want to insert themselves

into other women and women want to plant things. They want to grow things. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They want to grow gardens. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude. They want to learn how to grow lettuce on YouTube and then... Men just want to sport it. Women and women want to learn how to grow lettuce on YouTube.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they all want different things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They will be dead in a few weeks. No, they've been alive thousands of years. Surely you're joking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they all want different things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They will be dead in a few weeks. No, they've been alive thousands of years. Surely you're joking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dude. Fuck yeah, dude. I mean, it's unbelievable, bro. It's unbelievable that everybody hasn't sawed at least three heads off. And I'm serious, dude. Put that unbelievable that everybody hasn't sawed at least three heads off. And I'm serious, dude. Put that on my fucking tombstone. I swear, bro. It's just like enough. Oh, man.

When I saw fucking that thing that was in the sky in L.A. the other day, and it looked like some, you know, it was probably some test thing that was benign, but it looked like the world was ending, and I just go, here it is. Here it is. That's Salton Straw looking up. Here it is. With my kid holding his hand looking up at the sky in line at

Salton Straw trying to get pints of ice cream to bring back to my wife who's watching the perfect match with her friend. You know? And I'm like, dude, here it is.

Oh, here it is. Yeah, here it is. This is, yeah. You know what? This is how it goes. This is how it goes. Then I just go home and everything's fine. How would we not sawed off people's heads? How? Everyone wants different things, dude.

Guys want to lay horizontal and girls want to look up how to grow lettuce on YouTube. It's amazing. You know, I had therapy today too. Is the major thing here too. I had therapy today. Bro, hey, man, therapy is not good, okay? It ruins you for a bit. And it's just like, God damn it, it's supposed to be good. Sometimes my therapist is like, don't you feel lighter afterwards? And I'm like, hey, man, am I wearing the cinder block threes?

No. Okay. Oh, dude, am I in a cement bath? Doc? Hey, who am I? Am I Lips Manless? Because he died that way in a cement bath in Dick Tracy, the one with Warren Beatty. Hey, oh, Doc, no, I don't feel lighter.

I feel like Lips Manless. Thank you. What if that's how I ended the Zoom? I feel good now, though. It's funny, man. To be human, like, you know, women really are on to something, though, about the whole talking. Like, you know, women really are on to something, though, about the whole talking.

And maybe I shouldn't have buried my feelings when I saw my son choking on salami because that's the thing. I buried it. And then later on, I get a fucking, an iMessage. And that's what just, you know, broke the levy. you know broke the levy and it's like if I had just talked a little bit about the fear of my son choking on salami for fuck's sake I wouldn't have been crying whatever and it's

you let the emotion out you know you gotta talk that's for women that's masturbating you gotta for men it's like you gotta let it out sometimes in the masturbation front because if you don't I mean you're gonna be all pent up and you're gonna you know one day talk about breaking a levy you know it's just like you're gonna blow a load it's gonna be the fucking side you go oh, oh god, oh god, here it is. Oh god, ah, fuck, oh god, argh. And just,

ah, fuck. Close the windows! Um, but yeah, because if you don't talk, then the levees are going to break one day, dude. And you're going to start crying. So that's the thing. Women really got it. They really got it. They got that.

They got that. And it's still uncomfortable. Yay. And it's still uncomfortable. Yay. I mean really uncomfortable. I didn't realize how uncomfortable I was talking until I fucking the past few years. And that's what I do for a living which is hilarious. Oh maybe a funny bit I should do

on stage. Jesus Christ, that fucking... I don't know. In therapy, it was so funny because like... Dude, there's... My mood in any therapy... It's like clockwork, dude. I'll sit down. Okay, so I don't want to go always beforehand.

Dun, dun, dun-dun, dun-dun-dun, dun-dun-dun. Like that's the mood, right? And I go and I open a computer and I, hey, what's going on? I go, hey, what's up? And I go, here we go. I start talking, whether it's couples or not. I start off getting pissed. So I'll get pissed for 10 minutes.

Then it subsides. But the peak of the pissedness is at 10 minutes or 15 minutes. And then it subsides. And then there's another smaller peak later on. And most of the time, that's at the end portion of it to where I get off Zoom and I'm still a little pissed off, but I feel okay also. How about how these videos that I do, I mean, this is the 388th episode of Congratulations, that like they're just going to be forever out there. Whoops.

Said all this shit. You know, in like 350 years, somebody's going to be like, who's this guy? And they're just going to click on this video. And it's going to be like, whoa, what a fucking weirdo. He was a comedian, I guess. And you see his son choked on a salami and then he fucking cried because his wife texted him like it's just wow you know imagine clicking on his video in a thousand five hundred years we told them thought that that they needed hive mind. Yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah. Yes, I can.

Yes, I can. Okay, cool. Just scheduling stuff. Sorry, sorry guys bear with me I do what I want it's all good it's all good it's all good look at this thing Joe Coy was talking about the thing Um, it's all good.

Look at this thing that Joe, Joe Coy was talking about the thing on a Netflix special. It's so funny what people get up in arms about. Comedian Joe Coy was talking about mumble rappers and praises Biggie for creating songs. I still shut down the club to this day, years after his death. And I didn't, I don't, I don't really, you know,

I didn't see his special, but people got really mad, I guess. Because people don't like to hear, but people get so fucking angry about music and like comedy. And look at this right here. Yeah, well, one thing I would like to say is some guy,

some user says, first of all, Joko is 52. Okay, so of course he doesn't like young thug, dude. You know? But yeah, I guess in the beginning, he starts talking about mumble rap, and it went viral on social media. And then people are just like, okay, old guy.

It's not a diss to call someone old, by the way. Hey, dude, some people don't even get there. I made it. I mean, I'm 44, I'm not that old, but... Look at this. In 2014, Young Thug and Rich Homie Quan made a song so good, it filtered lame dudes for 10 years straight.

Wow, somebody said lifestyle better than any song Biggie Smalls ever made. Yeah, wow. Look at this. This is some real dork shit to say this. Not that it's not even true. Not that it's not true, but it's such a dork thing to say. Thug uses his voice as an instrument as much as Kendrick,

but it isn't viewed the same because of the lyrics and the region he's from. That's the dorkiest thing I've ever read on Twitter. And what's wrong with saying mumble rap? People are saying you shouldn't say mumble rap anymore. Like, that's like an older thing to say. They were like, saying mumble rap in 2024 is weird. The song,

look at it. This is the stuff I love. Song he's crying about is almost 10 years old. Dude, it's just comedy. He was killing. crying about is almost 10 years old by the way dude it's just comedy they are he was killing somebody says don't care old man we still bump in lifestyle oh this was my favorite one this guy says i don't know who this is, but he might. People always do that. They think that, like, how many people in the world know everybody? How many people in the world, how many people are there in the world that are known by everybody?

Six? This guy says, I don't know who this is. Joe Crosby, huge stand-up. I don't know who this is, but he might stand to mention how the mumble rapper he lampoons has for years been jailed without cause, released only to litigate with the state over lyrics that were sufficiently intelligible to incite a culture war, the loss of which could criminalize rap. Could you, like, come?

Like, come. This saying was made for this guy. Come off it. Dude, it's a comedy show. Nobody, it's not that serious. My only comment, he's performing in Brooklyn, but not in front of Brooklyn dude I love how

people are nuts bro making fun of hip hop is so I mean every comedian does that shit it's so easy I've done it it's funny

who gives a shit well this rapper was killed Every comedian does that shit. It's so easy. I've done it. It's funny. Who gives a shit? Well, this rapper was killed. His name was Fulio. That sucks, actually, because now no rapper's going to be able to be named Fulio because that's a fucking awesome name. I didn't know about him until now. That is an awesome name for a rapper.

The Florida rapper was shot and killed early Sunday morning. Wow, Charles Jones, who performed under the name Julio Julio, that's awesome, was shot at a Holiday Inn. Jesus Christ. After being kicked out of an Airbnb. My God. This sounds like my night that other night. No, kidding.

I'm joking, guys. After gathering exceeded occupancy limits, according to statement from his lawyer. Oh, man. In Tampa, it happened, of course. That's so sad. I hate that shit. Rappers just getting shot and stuff i wish more comics would get shot instead they need to get taken out you know comics are bitches um um all right well that's good. Thank you very much for listening.

If you want to listen to the rest of the episode, go to patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. And you can listen to all of the bonus episodes. We put out a banger last week. And you can do that. It's just six bucks. And you listen to all of the bonus episodes that we do. I mean, there's so many there now,

like three years worth, four years worth. But anyway, thanks a lot, guys.