Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 389. In The Bear's Mouth

Episode Date: July 4, 2024

😮 Get a shoutout on this show at holler.baby/chrisdelia 🎤 MY SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is here: chrisdelia.com/god 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. This week Chris want's everyone to just get out of the bear's mouth. Plus the presidential debate, World's Worst Roommate, a great haircut, and online hate. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/chrisdelialive 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, welcome to episode 389 of Congratulations. Dude, I actually wasn't sure with how dumb everyone was getting, but I figured out how dumb everyone was getting but i figured out how dumb everyone was getting i see this thing about the uh uh house of dragon actor fabian frankel first of all fabian frankel so i get why they think he's a real character because if that's the actor's name fabian frankel that would be a name in that like you know it would actually be a name in in the house of dragons we need to speak to fabian frankel but um i have a thing where it's like don't uh name your don't have a name with two of the same first letters first and last name and uh he plays kristen cole which is cc so he he's typecast with the he's ff and then cc but anyway apparently he's so good at his job

house of dragons season two uh and like i i you know i get this i i didn't know that people could actually be that dumb to really think like that not that they think that this is a real guy. I know they don't think that. I know they don't think that he's really out there flying on dragons. I mean, look, maybe completely bonkers people do. But people have been harassing him online that he had to limit comments on his recent posts because of how, you know, and look, it's an actual, in a way, a compliment because he's that good, I guess. I don't know. But it's weird. People are just, I hate you on his comments. Man,

I hope someone jumps this guy, you know, inciting violence. I hate you on his comments man I hope someone jumps this guy you know inciting violence uh uh I hate you Kristen dude if this was happening to me I would go not I would have to I would have to never go online ever again uh where were you where when where were you when heir to the throne was murdered? You know, like, hey, in my trailer. Dude, where was I? At craft service putting spread on my bagel. I don't, I knew we were, I knew we were dumb. Dude, this is just one of those, come on, guys. Come on.

Like, imagine seeing. Because that's the other thing, too. This is how you know the internet isn't real. It's like you go to, you see this guy out. Nobody's going to be like, there he is, dude. There's that guy. Oh, he's not wearing his armor. Oh, lucky us.

Let's go kick his ass right now. Hey, where's your dragon? Well, hold on. His dragon might be close by. Hey, dude, what's up? Hey, hey, buddy, what's up? Oh, look who it is. Where were you?

Where were you? I hate you. How'd you go from being the most liked character and becoming the worst character in GOT history? Huh? for being the most liked character and becoming the worst character in GOT history huh and you know sorry I'm not actually Kristen Cole I'm Fabian Franco good enough you still have the same first two letters in the we don't like that um my favorite comment is I hate you Kristen also Kristen c-r-i-s-t-N, you know, gotta always be different these shows. Um, but anyway, uh, that's where we're at, you know, and everyone's talking about the debate,

but honestly, that's where we're at. This should be the thing that CNN is covering. This should be the thing that Fox News is covering. Um, you know, we saw the debate and it was, um you know we saw the debate and it was you know was what it was what it was uh and um i don't uh you know i i don't i know it's the thing everyone's talking about i just don't even it's all so wild and sad it's actually sad because he's 80 gonna going to be 86, or he's 82, right? And the other one is 78, I think. How about this? They're both just too old. Just, there should be a cap on presidency.

There should be, there's an age limit 35. Why isn't there an age limit 70? Why is it, what is it all these congress these people are just gonna be you shouldn't be able to do your thing until you die there has to be you know dude when movies end they don't end at the end of the conflict conflict there's a denouement okay there's a denouement in life you can't just be a dude if you're yeah pass that bill yeah yeah i vote for that bill that's wrong you you you shouldn't be able to do your job up until you die. The only thing you should be doing up until you die is breathing. There should always be faculty testing for everyone. Throw a ball at him. Can he catch it?

Nope. He's out. Whoever it is. I don't care if you're the president or an Uber driver. You're out. Oh, he fumbled it? You're out. You get one more chance. Pick it up. Can you do that? Nope. You're out. Oh, he fumbled it? You're out. You get one more chance. Pick it up. Can you do that? Nope. You're out. Did he pick it up? All right, we'll give him another year, right? But it's like, look, there's been presidents that have been sick in the past, and also people have been, you know, the public has been, it's been covered up for the public, for the American people, so we don't know.

Yeah, okay, that's fine. But also, do a better job then do a better job i if i'm not gonna know i'm not gonna know i'm not gonna secretly know in the back of my mind oh what's going on here dude make me not know put out a dude in a in an actual fit make tom cruise with his don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't have him be biden um it's all sad dude because it's not even his fault it's like people are giving him such you know they're hating on him and it's like this guy's just know man it's uh it's a wild thing and i you know i don't get political on this podcast too much because i want to talk about bacon and pants but it's just wild dude last episode was pretty fun actually i was tired i really felt like I was spiraling, but it was actually really nice.

I got a lot of good response on it. I don't look at the comments too much, but I got a lot of good response on my last episode here. Congratulations. Operation do it to him in full effect. I did a show last night at the Laugh Factory. Had fun. You know, it's cool because I was the special guest. And I love...

So I did... So there were a bunch of people on the show. Matt Rife, Amir K, just killers, right? Denny was on it. Denny Love, who comes with me on the road. Eliza. And others. And it was sold out and they all killed and i had to go i was go i said just put me last i don't care so i went last you know because comics are

always like especially if they got egos they're like i want to go second i want to go third i want to go first i want to go whatever and i don't even really care that much plus I like when things are hard for me so it's like just put me up at the end uh and I did and and I'm happy with my set so yes dude I'm happy with my set because they it wasn't my they weren't my fans necessarily and it worked out yes dude and I went last which is the hard spot. Yes, dude. I win. I win in my head. And so anyway, we're all battling a war in our heads. And that was what was in my head last night. So it's all good.

And got back late because I was the last one up and it was a late show. Got back late. And at 1 a.m. I put this on my Instagram story. But my wife was like, at 1 a.m. She texts me from the bedroom. And I'm downstairs watching World's Worst Roommate. What's that new thing on Netflix?

World's Worst Roommate? Whatever. Roommate from Hell. Whatever it is. Whatever it is, they've made nine different shows like it and it's always good and you turn it on and you're just immediately sucked in you know what I mean you're just immediately like oh wait wait a minute like they'll turn it on it'll go and then it'll just go the music and then or it'll start with something and that was why you know she was trying to kill me and take my son and you're like wait a minute

nightmare roommate you know whatever the hell it is world's worst roommate world's worst roommate and worst roommate ever is what it is right wow okay worst roommate ever world war roommate and so um so i i turn it on and i'm i mean i am straight up sucked right like i'm watching it and i'm just getting sucked not sexual sucked in i'm just watching world's worst roommate and it's sucking me all right and i go what makes this better and immediately think cheerios now i'm pissed because i don't think we have cheerios so so i go i that this is my head cheerios my fucking son this is this is my head. Cheerios. I'm a fucking son of a bitch. This is me.

Oh, hell yeah. World's worst roommate. Wait a minute. What's going on here? Wait. You know what's going to make this better? Cheerios. God damn it.

We don't have Cheerios. Well, I'll check. I'll throw a Hail Mary. Maybe we have Cheerios. I went into the cupboard, had Honey-O's. Even better. Had Honey-Oos from trader joe's so i go oh what a delightful surprise so i poured one bowl two bowl three bowl four bowls of honey honey dude i'm eating watch world's first room eating honeyos four bowls whole milk dude whole milk all right get out of here with the skim get out of here with the almond

get out of here with the oat whole milk or die okay and i'm eating it dude and i'm watching it and i'm by myself i get. And I'm watching it. And I'm by myself. I get the lights how I want it. I get the volume how I want it. I turn the heat on. Hey, it was 80 degrees. And, dude, I turned.

I turned. I loved. And I was just straight up chilling. I was like a pig in shit, dude. You know what I'm saying? And I got, shoo, text. Huh? 1 a.m.

I look at my wife upstairs in the bedroom. Slazy. But I look at it. By the way, we have to take Calvin to the dentist tomorrow at 10.30 a.m. now. take Calvin to the dentist tomorrow at 10.30 a.m. now. I am not a guy who wakes up at any... Dude, I sleep as long as I can. I need at least 10 or 11 hours.

If I don't get it, that's fine, but I want it. So if I got to get up at 9.30 to go take him to the dentist at 10.30, I actually, the first thought was, wow, I got to get up early. Okay, well, I wish I knew that sooner. Maybe I would have went to bed earlier. And then I go, eh. Look, let me just start off. I know that that's not early.

I get it. But for me, it is. Okay? I got home at 1 a.m. I'm trying to watch World's Worst Roommate. I got four bowls of honeyos to eat. So I'm watching the show and I go, oh, fuck. I got to wake up.

And then I go, actually, that's going to be so fun to take him to the dentist. And then I think, wait a minute. That's weird. I think it's going to be fun to take him to the dentist. That's funny because most people don't like going to the dentist. And I said, well, if I was going to the dentist, I probably wouldn't want to go. And then I go, well, I don't actually mind going to the dentist. But if I had to go at 1030, it would bother me.

I'd like to go to the dentist at 2. And then I say, well, oh, man, isn't it interesting? Like if this was six years ago before I had any kids, and if I had somebody, if somebody had, because I wouldn't, made me an appointment for a dentist. Or sometimes you get cocky, you know, know and the dentist you're at the dentist's office and they're like you're gonna need to check up in six months you want to book it now and you're like yeah sure and they're like all right when you say i don't know what six months from now they say december and you say all right uh what do you have open and they're like uh you want to do december 12th um 8 30 a.m and you're like yeah yeah actually six months away. I could, I could, I could become a whole different person by then. Yeah.

And then December 11th comes and you go, um, how come I don't know myself, dude? Well, look at how dumb I, I betrayed myself, you know? And, and, and as December, it's always in the back of your head, you know, maybe not in June, July, August, but you're like, I got that dentist appointment at 8.30 a.m. I got to really buckle down and start turning into a different person because by December 12th, I need to be up and at them by 8 because there's going to be traffic and I need to be in that chair, face up, mouth open by 8. This is going to, right? So you do that. You get cocky.

So I've done that before where I've made an early appointment and I, and I go, um, and I go and I get, and I'm always, I wake up and I go, I should, I wake up, dude, this is me waking up the day off. Bing. Fucking son of a bitch, dude. I wish I, maybe I won't go. Fuck it. It's my, my teeth, you know what I mean? Just, and I'm, and I, teeth you know just and i'm and i wait i start the day bad okay so uh i'm taken back a back by this because i'm like wow i'm actually excited now to wake up and go to the dentist because i get to be with calvin and help him because i think he's a little bit scared. Now, I still in the back of my head go like this. We'll see. We'll see tomorrow.

This morning, dude, I do this thing where I play a game in my mind. I go to bed. When I go to bed, there's something that I need to wake up for. Yo, how am I this crazy? If there's something I need to wake up for, but it's not for me, okay? Specifically, selfishly for me. Like if I don't have to wake up to go do this podcast or that podcast or another meeting or whatever it is for me, only me, okay? And my wife is in charge of it or something, I share a bed with her. So in my head, I have this thing and I have

to admit this and I don't even want to, and I've never admitted this. I've never admitted this out loud. I don't set my alarm because I go like this. I hope she said it. I hope she said it. Otherwise, guess what? We're fucked tomorrow. And I go, like, I'm only hurting myself, but I go, I'm only hurting myself. But I literally think, like, hope she set the alarm. Not going to check. Not going to set mine. Hey, we'll see. Hey, she thinks we're going to the dentist at 1030.

Okay, we'll see. I want to go, but we'll see. I can't wait to stick it to her and be like, well, you didn't set your alarm. I do that, dude. I do that. Okay? I admit I do that. Okay? I admit I do that. And so, sure enough, you know, at whatever time it is, I go to look at the time, and it's 930 930 something so she hit the alarm.

Our kids sleep late, by the way. Billy and Calvin sleep till honestly, 930 or 10. It's awesome. We've orchestrated it that way. You can do what you want when you're parents. So I get up and I'm like, I'm tired. And I say, but it's going to be fun at the dentist's office. So I get up and I'm like, fuck it, and I say, but it's going to be fun at the dentist's office

so I get up and I'm like, fuck yeah, let's do this take him to the dentist's office and he was like are you both going to come? and I was like, yeah I mean, I'm going to go and then Kristen was like, I'm not sure if I'm going to go and he's like, yeah, can you both come with me?

I was like, whatever, I'll take him if you want. But we both went. And dude, it was so cute. I've already taken him to the dentist. And well, I just got insecure a little bit that I'm telling this story for too long because I know I,

but you know what, dude, I don't care. I hope you're bored. Fuck it. And I just like, I took him to the dentist and he had to get x-rays. Oh, dude, it was cute. And he was, and she was like, you guys got to stand on the other side of the wall

so he couldn't see us. So I knew he was doing this thing where she was doing the x-ray in his mouth and he was doing like this pushing away because she was like you keep your hands down you know i heard him and then i looked over and he was crying and i'm like oh man buddy it's all right i'm right on the opposite side of this wall and he's got a chipped tooth and he's got a uh a dead tooth because he fucking keeps bonking his face so anyway um, but it's going to be okay. And it's all good. And he did it. And so I'm very proud of him. Hell yeah, dude. I love it. Nothing is more fulfilling than

being a dad. It's so crazy. It is so weird. I used to think I had it. Like I used to be like, my career is very fulfilling. I love going on stage and like doing well and like figuring bits out and making people laugh and doing this podcast and you know, uh, even designing new merch and stuff. I like to do it and it's rewarding, but like, man,

like B it, it doesn't even count when it comes to being a dad. Hey, yes, dude, he figured out the secret of life. What is it? But he figured it out.

But what is it? I don't know. I bet LeBron James must feel fucking amazing, dude, because his kid is going to, it got drafted by the LA Lakers. Dude, is he going to be playing with his kid now? Forget it, dude. Honestly, fuck, that's the most bury me a G shit of all time, man. Hey, I'm going to, dude, I'm going to play. I i'm gonna be so goaded that i'm gonna have my son grow up be goaded and play in the same uh time period as me goaded and also in the same on the same team goaded and then also um in the same game goaded now is brawny which is what they call him

i don't know if that's – why do they call him Brawny? Brawny – what's his real name? Brawny? Brawny James. Okay. Anyway, Brawny Wahlberg. And so he –

LeBron. His name is LeBron. Conceited. And so I always think it's weird when a kid – when you name a – like I named my second son Bill William, and my dad's name is William. If I named him Chris, it's crazy. And so, hey, dude, you're already Chris. kid when you name it like i named my second son bill william and my dad's name is william if i named him chris it's crazy and so um hey dude you're already chris george foreman named all his kids george weird hey dude gonna have so many complexes so anyway um hey there's already george

here um pretty funny though honestly they, they did that. I still want to name my kid Vin Diesel. And, anyway, it's just really cool that he's going to be playing with him. And I thought about that. And that's wild. And then I,

and I saw that the Lakers drafted him. It was like the 55th pick or whatever. And then I saw Lakers drafted him and then I saw, andth pick or whatever. And then I saw the Lakers drafted him. And then I looked over at Calvin. And I was like, hey, dude, you should come with me on stage sometimes. And he says, oh, yeah, but I will not do that. It's too loud. And I was like, all right.

Okay. I guess I ain't goaded. But we have years to work on it. But also, he can do whatever he wants. So it is what it is. Also, he can do whatever he wants, so. It is what it is. I want my, you know, it is weird, though, when, like, people want them to be, when they want their kids to do a certain thing, you know? Like, I don't care about, I want my i no i don't not care about it i want

i want my kids to be happy period like if that if he was happy working as yeah i mean there's a line look you know like as a cashier for you know cvs then if if if honestly he's truly happy and that's what they want to do then okay but if that's truly what you want to do in life i guess i suppose it is kind of worth examining like why but uh if they're happy they're happy now look if he wants to be a you know if it's like nobody says hey oh hey dude you know what i want to be when i grow up crack whore but like so if if there you know, if it's like nobody says, hey, oh, hey, dude, you know what I want to be when I grow up? Crack whore. But like, so if there is that thing where it's like, dude, I just want to be a crack whore.

Like if somebody is like, you know what? This is actually the life for me. Sucking and injecting. Then that's a problem. Okay. You probably got deep seated issues, but I just want them to be happy. I don't understand the, you know,'t understand the you know my son will be my son will be a lawyer my son will be a doctor my son will carry on this you know legacy legacy's

nothing dude when you die you die legacy ain't shit he said it um my. My Australian tour is coming up. Last chance to get Australian tickets. Perth, Australia, Adelaide, Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, Australia, and Auckland, New Zealand coming up. ChrisLeah.com. San Diego, I'll be in San Diego July 26th to the 27th. Memphis, Tennessee, Dallas. I got dates coming up in Wichita, Kansas, Oxnard, California,

McAllen, Texas, Beaumont, Texas, Peterborough, Ontario, London, Ontario, Duluth, Minnesota, for some reason, at the Symphony Hall for some reason, Thunder Bay, Ontario for some reason, at the Thunder Bay Community Auditorium, not a creative title for some reason, Lexington, Kentucky at the Lexington Opera House, not a creative title for some reason, Birmingham, Alabama, Montgomery, Alabama at the Montgomery Performing Arts Center, Savias. Mobile, Alabama. At the Sagner Center. There we go. At least there's a different one.

And Sioux Falls, South Dakota, I guess. That's what that is. The district. I'll say, turn it into Falkhorn, Lakehorn. What's that? San Diego? Oh, Falkhorn, Lakehorn? You did?

I thought San Diego. SD, San Diego. Everything was happening in my mind right there did? I thought San Diego. SD, San Diego. Everything was happening in my mind right there. Nothing I said was out loud, and then I said everything out loud, and it was fucking ruined everything. So anyway, that's all good. I actually am having a,

I got a haircut, and dude, I go, you ever catch yourself being you so much? You ever catch yourself being you to the nth degree? And then you go, I fucking suck. I got a haircut. And you know what I did? So here's what I got this new thing that I do, dude.

When I get a haircut, guess what I did? So here's what I got this new thing that I do, dude. When I get a haircut, guess what I do? First of all, I don't love getting my haircut, okay? It's fine. It's fine. I don't hate it, all right? I don't like having to go do something, all right? But whatever. I went to go get a haircut.

I don't like when I get it cut too short. Now, Chris, well, Chris, how do you thwart that, right? If you have someone you like, I get it. They've been with you for a while, but if you have someone that you're going to, you don't really care where you get your haircut, you have to be specific, and they don't know. You say take an inch off,

they end up taking an inch and a half off. That's too much. You look bad. For two weeks, then, you get your hair, you know, your hair hasn't grown end up taking an inch and a half off. That's too much. You look bad. For two weeks and you get your hair, you know, your hair hasn't grown in yet the way you want it to be. So you got that bad level of hair, right? Which is the freshly just cut level. And you look like, you know,

someone who just, like a just purchased chia pet, you know? like a just purchased chia pet, you know? And so I do this thing where I, I said, and I said it to my hair cutter last time, who's awesome. She's awesome. And, and I, and I said, you know what, dude, I started doing this months ago. I said, don't, don't cut off too much. I'll come in more often. Dude, he figured it out.

I'll come in more often and just trim less. He figured it out. Dude, I'll just cut. Hey, if it gets too long, it won't. Because I'm just going to come in more often. I'm going to, you know, I'm going to come in, I'm going to come in for a fucking shape up. Bonk my head on the back wall. But if you, if you go and leave it too, too long, you're going to start looking like an asshole and then guess what you get? You get the

pictures from a long time ago where you go, why was my hair like that? Fuck, man. So now I go more often. Got my hair cut the other day and the day I got it cut, it was absolutely fucking handsome. Absolutely fucking handsome. So I figured it out, dude. And I'm only 44. So I figured it out young. And so now I get home, all right? And I'm looking in the mirror.

And I don't, I have to be honest with you guys. And I know you guys probably don't think this is true. And you probably, this is probably something that if you are a, if you are someone that's listened to this podcast or a fan of Chris Lea or even at the – it doesn't matter how big of a fan you are of mine or little of a fan you are. If you know who I am, I bet most people would say, oh, he probably looks in the mirror all the time. And I would say I probably look in the mirror on like take a sliding scale. God, this podcast is so good. Out of 100% of people, like if the guy looking in the mirror all the time, the guy who looks in the mirror the most, more at anybody.

This podcast is good. Guy who looks in the podcast all the time, he's 100%, okay? Guy who has barely ever seen himself in the mirror, he's at 2%, you know? I would say I look in the mirror probably, probably, probably, it used to be, I would say 22, 23% of humanity. That's how much I look in the mirror 22 23 percent of of men in humanity okay let's take it take it to gender because women look more you know they gotta do their makeup and all that shit uh and so i don't really look in the mirror all that much but dude this this i kept on catching you know what dude i'll be god darn it i kept on catching myself in the mirror why because the cut was fantastic why because the cut made so much sense why because it was shaped nicely why because it was like he had this chia pet for a week and a half why dude you just looked at my head and you went, oh, like the end of a movie. It was just nice. All right. So I'm

walking around with this cut, with this confidence. And I'm like, man, I'm really killing it with this haircut. And dude, it's only two days later, by the way. So take a gander at it. This is what it is. So I go and I sit down. Now, this isn't the most me I've ever been, but this is. I sit down. This is the part of the story I'm getting to. I love this fucking podcast sometimes. I sit down. My wife is watching TV, and I say, you know what?

I think this is the best haircut I've ever gotten in my life. And she bursts out laughing. And I knew in that fucking moment, damn it, I'm being too me. And she's right to laugh. But I still stand by what I said. I still think that though, babe. I said, what? And she was like, you're just, come on, man.

And I was like, I know. But dude, you can't. but what do you think though? You think it might be? And she said, I mean, you know, it's definitely a really great haircut. I said, it's up there, huh? So me, dude. But my wife, I got her back in my head. Never said anything out loud about it, but I got her back in my head.

Never said anything out loud about it, but I got her back in my head. Dude, the war games in our mind, the mental war games we play with ourselves. Wow. We were talking about a friend. We had five people around our table.

We were talking about a friend that has a problem with, um, substances. My wife didn't know about it, you know, and one of my other friends brought it up. He said, you know, he's been really bad lately, you know, like with the substances. And I don't even think my friend was done saying the sentence. And my wife said, oh, we should have an intervention. And I burst out laughing and I couldn't help myself because eh, seh, my wife. So guess what, dude?

Got her back in my head. Dude, mental warfare. Dude, it's a real problem, honestly, that these videos that I do, these tapes, these tapes, these tapes. I'm fucking 90 years old. These YouTube videos are documented forever. Like the mind of a – nobody should know someone's mind. Everyone's got a podcast, right?

Dude, somebody wrote me the other day, man, two kids. You got two kids now wow unbelievable you gotta come do my podcast and i and i look and i go and and in my head i think who's this because you dude if you're looking at someone's face and thinking, dude, people talk to you like they know you. Hey, and I don't mean it like in the Latina. He's talking to me like he knows me. Like, I mean, the old Pablo Francisco bit. Fuck, that shit killed me. But, like, when he's talking to me like he knows me.

But that's a thing. Don't, don't, oh, don't, oh, don't, oh, oh, I don't. And it happens to famous people a lot. Like, oh, like I had a guy come up to me the other day and he just goes like this. Dude. Can I? can i and i said can you what you haven't said anything yet and he was like i said do you want a picture and he was like yeah i was like all right let's do this but like i get it's kind of sometimes weird to see the person out, but like often, especially in LA, people who are in things and recognizable

are having a conversation with somebody and they're thinking, my God, I don't know if I know this person or if they're a fan. I have no idea. So, so, so, so, so I'm, so So if you're somebody who isn't always – I guess what I'm saying is – and I'm not talking about celebrities, regular –

just keep introducing yourself until someone says, I know who you are because – Bro, this person was talking to me like she knows me. And she said, you've got to come do my podcast. And I look at her page and I say, who? I guess I know her. I don't know. Remind me.

Hey, Who? I just don't know what goes on in people's heads, but I barely know what goes on in my head, so. Everyone has a fucking podcast. It's got to stop. It makes me want to end mine. Oh, okay. You're going to have a podcast. All right. I'm

done. I'm done. That's how it was when Vine popped off. I was like one of the first people with a million followers on Vine. And then they started doing like, yeah, but when your butt's too big and your girl walks by and I'm like, okay, I'm done. No more Vine. No more, no more, gank, you know that one, gank, gank. Now it's in every TikTok video, gank, gank, gank. Every time someone turns their head, gank, gank. E se Telemundo. Telemundo is such bad television, you know? It's so bad. It's so bad. It's so bad.

Nobody makes worse TV than Telemundo. No, I take that back. American television. At least Telemundo doesn't give a fuck, you know? They'll put a dude with a fake mustache as a lead to a serious drama, you know? That's like something Telemundo will straight up do unabashedly

and just be like, who cares? But American TV, they think they're all good and shit and it's still just like the mentalist. They think it's all good and shit and it's still just the equalizer with the fucking 50-year-old librarian

doing the shit. What's her name queen latifah queef latina and um wow isn't that weird i never thought about that till right now queen latifah is base is almost queef latina wow dude queen latifah almost is the same thing as saying Mexican pussy fart, dude. Unbelievable. No, he says, okay. Oh, he says, wow.

I can't have that be the title of the show. That's too bad. But would get four views. Would thwart us. But anyway, what was I even talking about, honestly, before the Queen Latifah stuff? Oh, yeah, Metelamundo, dude. I love it.

I love it. You can watch it. It doesn't even matter what they say. I don't know. It doesn't. Spanish, I don't care i'll still watch it because someone will get shot in a fucking show on at 8 p.m someone will get shot with a sawed-off shotgun in the chest from one foot away and the other The other person will die like this. Dude, Telemundo, you rock. And that is just honestly, it's so good, dude, to get shot and not double over, to get shot and go,

and fall back, dude. Sensational. Just absolutely. Sensational. Sensational. And just so much, like, I love it. So it is what it is. I'm going gonna check text,

because I want to, shoulder hurts, well, I think we're fucked as a country, but it's okay, just, sometimes I just literally think like, I'll be a fucking, I'll just grow my own vegetables and I'll like move to super, super north like Idaho.

And then I'll like be like, but that's such something a chick would think, you know. Chicks have so many ideas. You just got to, if you have a wife or a girlfriend, a very serious girlfriend or wife, and they hit you with ideas, because they will just hit you with ideas, dude. Out of the blue, they'll just be like,

let's fix up an old car. Out of the blue, they'll just be like, we should be self-sustainable. Out of the blue, they'll just be like, we should be self-sustainable. Out of the blue, they'll just be like, we need new Tupperware. It's better for the environment. Out of the blue, they'll just say some shit like that. Just don't kick back. Because as a man, your instinct is just be like, oh, here we go again, dude.

All right, we got to move all the shit around. Hey, dude, how many of those ideas come to fruition? What percent? Dude, just kick back, relax, and go, dude, how many of those ideas come to fruition? What percent? Dude, just kick back, relax, and go, yeah, we should. It'll never happen. Because chicks get ideas. That's why I do it. Because that's as far as it goes.

Most of the time, chicks just get ideas. You don't need to thwart their shit because... I was watching that new roommate show, World's Worst Roommate. watching that new roommate show world's worst roommate you know i go back and forth on the on the uh like victim it's like it's we live in such a uh everyone's a victim society and nobody like it'll be like you know people will get like it's like oh i i i i was in the mouth of a bear for fucking 20 minutes and that bear chomped me and and everyone's like oh you should be able to do what you want and it's like dude it's a bear. You know? How come I can't just hang out with a serial killer in an 8x8 room for a month and a half without him slicing and dicing me? Oh, dude.

No, dude. Hey, don't go in there. You know? Hey, get out of that bear's mouth. Right? Get out of the bear's mouth, dude. You know, sometimes I'm so i'm watching this world's worst roommate and this woman is saying how she had a roommate and the roommate it's the first episode the roommate tried to basically kill her slowly. Sometimes you got to kill her slowly.

And she tried to kill her slowly. And she had, like, back issues and stuff. And then she was, like, giving her – she tried to give her MRSA in her cut to infect her cut then then she tried to get on the black market tried to get a versa which I didn't know there was a versa versus worse than MRSA it's like MRSA is bad to get because it makes you septic but versus worse because it's not it antibiotics are just like I can't we can't do anything with this and before and then she was getting insulin on the black market and kept sticking it to her and she had to go to the hospital and be like your insulin levels are so

bad you're it's a 13 i've never seen anything like this before and you're like i'm not diabetic and and she had to keep going back and it's like okay i guess in hindsight it's 2020 it's like it's roommate it's roommate okay and like you don't want to be like all right yeah maybe i wouldn't have known oh yeah of course you would never you never think your roommate but the roommate tried to get custody of the woman's son because she thought she was about it's just like all crazy and it's like okay i get that over time emotional abuse can be a thing and it's like dude the woman and i was like well how long was it did this go two three years i could i get it she was roommates with the lady for 25 years get out of the bears

mouth MOUTH! YIN THE BEAR'S MOUTH, DUDE! Hey! Dude, hey! Are TEETH in front of ya?! JUMP! So, okay, so yeah, it's not your fault because she was trying to kill you with mercer and versa but also stop going to the place that fucks y'all up smell it it's hot it's a bear's breath

don't have her dress your wounds anymore she She's oops, spilling Versa in it. It's just like, and she kept going back to the hospital. Dude, she went to the hospital over and over and over and over and over again. What's coming to now? The room!

FBI showed up. you know she got verse off the black mark no she never do that she never try to kill me she tried to get custody of your son now look my heart goes out to this lady because yeah she was an emotional turmoil physical and emotional turmoil yeah okay I get it but also

when are we getting to the point where you just look at the person and you go, well, hindsight is 20-20, but get out of the bear's mouth, dude. Yeah. Should you be able to walk alone in an alley at night? Yeah. Yes. Yes. Don't. You know, it's so annoying. annoying but you know this is how hey this is the world you're not morons and if you are and look my heart goes out

you know because it's like i don't want you pumped full of mercy and versa but Like, I don't want you pumped full of MRSA and VERSA, but, dude, it's like, come on, yeah? Bad things can still happen even if you're on guard. So be on guard. They made a whole documentary about this woman that's like, I didn't know. Dude, 25 years. Poor woman. She was like... She's like 50-something at this point.

She's still banging, too. To be through all that much and to still be banging, congrats. I want to be... Fuck, I saw the Omen movies and

what was the who was the guy in it Gregory Peck the first Omen oh no no sorry the first Omen is the new one that is the prequel to the Omen but the first actual movie the omen was the one that

came out with gregory peck in 1971 76 76 he got it he got it in the fucking ninth inning he got it and uh 1976 and it was good and uh Gregory Peck is in it, and he's 59 in it, and he has a baby in it, which is hilarious because it's like they didn't address that. It's just a 59-year-old just having a baby, and they're just like,

you know, Hollywood is just so funny back then. The man will just come in and just be like did you have the baby bitch i was outside you know and she's just like yes darling nice bitch smoking in the fucking baby's face stupid asshole i'm gonna love this boy he's gonna be i'm gonna love the shit out of this boy and my second and third born i'm not even gonna know him practically you hey how's your hey how's your twat eat it what am i gay you know and so so so um they did this they made this movie and i'm looking at gregory peck and he handsome. And I'm like, I think that's awesome to be that handsome when you're that old as a man. And then I'm like, I looked at pictures when he was younger. And then I was like, yeah, he was still handsome when he was younger. But he really fell into his looks you know and in when

he was 59 in that in that omen movie in that omen movie and kristin's sitting down she sat down next to me she doesn't ever really really watch movies because she's a millennial she'll just like sit down and then get up and then move a vase and look at it for 20 seconds and then come and sit back down and i'm just like who does that in the middle of watching a fucking movie. She calls it toodling. And. Or she's on like offer up. Buying a five dollar.

You know. Vintage. Candle putter outer. You know. Whatever the fucking. Those things. vintage candle putter outer, you know, whatever the fucking those things. That invention was the stupidest fucking thing. Blow it out! And just this thing with the

bitch ass dangling. Ah, let me get it. I got it, I got it. I got one of these things for it. Here. There we go. Got it. I'm a bitch? Okay. And so... You got to have PJs.

You got to have a set of PJs on if you're going to be doing that, right? You can't just be fucking in a white shirt and boxers. You're a real asshole. You got to have the hat with the flap over it. I got the thing for it could have used that breath to fucking with the flap to but whatever blow out the flame anyway um i digress and i thought and she's sitting down next to me and she says he's handsome and i was like confirmed baby i give it up when a he's handsome. And I was like, confirmed, baby.

I give it up when a dude's handsome, man. I really give it up. And, you know, it's a preference thing. So don't call me a hater if I say someone's not handsome because I will then turn around and be like, well, Gary Repack when he was 59 was absolutely unbelievable. and be like, well, when he was 59, it was absolutely unbelievable. But anyway, I am watching this movie, and I'm like, I want to be like that. And then I go like this.

When was I most handsome? You ever think about that? When were you the most handsome? And for a lot of people, it's probably when you were, I don't know, as a dude. I wonder what it is. I think like,

it should be like 30 to 35 or 40 or 45. It doesn't matter. Dude's really got it easy, huh? But then your face starts drooping, you know? Like, if I look at myself now, I go like, okay, I still look good for me, you know? For my shit, you know? I'm not saying like, hey, I'm the fucking, I'm a great looking guy. But for me and my body, I'm still, hey, dude, I walk with this haircut.

Hey, dude, I walk by the mirror, I go, still got it, right? And when does that go? Because, you know, if I look at, yeah, I mean, dude, you know, my parents, my dad, talk about men, right? My dad is a handsome old guy, but he's 76. So he's not obviously more handsome than he was when he was 50, right? So it's like, Jesus, I think my skin's just gonna start fucking sagging like that dog, that cartoon dog.

Oh, well. That one. But I want my hair to get gray. I think when my hair gets gray, it's over. When my hair hair gets gray, it's over, bro. I'm gonna shut it down! Wow, White Chicks came out 20 years ago wow wow i've never seen this movie from the director of scary movie i've never seen this movie oh man this was a staple huh oh dude black people love this movie

look at this person put still my favorite movie of all time someone said wow wow i should make a movie called asian men just fucking what dude why don't i do that why don't i make a movie called asian men and just fucking it's so zany you know and i'm gonna meet you know meat suck suk here he is in you know oh chris is down and out and he had to move to japan meat suck and he just to get a job just not even speaking real Japanese just tape my eyes back who gives a fuck fuck? I don't care. Just fucking always carrying chopsticks, just making it the most racist thing,

but also fucking killing it with humor and just getting right wingers out to the fucking theater, dude. Hell yeah. Two right wings swinging in a circle, dude. Just fucking Asian men. I'm going to make a movie called Asian men,

me and, uh, fucking Asian men. I'm going to make a movie called Asian Men. Me and who's another guy that would be good in it? Oh, dude. Who's the guy? Zachary Quinto. Dude, me and Zachary Quinto in Asian Men? Are you fucking kidding me? And dude, and it's set in Japan.

Yeah. No, or China. I don't know. It doesn't matter. Fucking, it's not about that. It's about mostly just being funny. And we had to get jobs and stuff. I got to watch White Chicks to do my research.

But anyway, Zachary Quinto hit me up. Dude, I got a script for you. my research but anyway zachary quinto hit me up dude i gotta i got a script for you um that's a movie that would have been made also in fucking 1982 remember soul man dude hey how come people aren't getting canceled for that you know uh all right that's it thank you very much go get my dates chrislea.com go get merch chrisle.com. We love you out there. And that's it. That's the episode for YouTube. If you want to watch the rest of it, watch the Patreon, patreon.com slash ChrisDelia. You get every episode, patreon.com slash ChrisDelia.

It's six bucks. You get all the backlogged extra episodes that you can't get access to unless you have the Patreon. So, there you go. Thank you very much. Thank you.