Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 39. Sultan With A Boner

Episode Date: October 24, 2017

It's the 39th episode! Coming to you from Melbourne! On today's show, Chris talks about ordering coffee in Australia and the spider he trapped in his hotel bathroom. Also discussed: the voice acting in the new Planet of the Apes movie, wildlife reserves, how kangaroos have shoulders, how you should never hum, & TMFUIPOTW. And of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Plus the all new cash card. I'll talk more about this later on in the show as well. Download the free cash app for iOS or Android now. so what's up my babies hey guess where i'm coming at you live from fucking australia I'm coming at you live from fucking Australia. Um, met a lot of Australian babies and, uh, so far I've been in Adelaide, Perth, and I'm in Melbourne now. And people say like some, one of my buddies, Tom Green hit me up and he's like, Hey, not, it's not Mel Melbourne. It's Melbourne. And I'm like, yeah, but it's got a fucking R in it, so I don't give a shit. So I'm keeping it real for the USA babies. But, yeah, so I am here in Australia. And I don't know what the shit's going to be like here because I got this fucking janky-ass setup.

I mean, this is a janky ass setup. I mean, this is a janky ass setup. And I mean, I'm literally on the floor in my hotel room in Melbourne and it looks pretty janky. But so I'm doing it. So I had shows. I had shows in Adelaide and Perth and here in Melbourne last night

and I don't, I don't know. First of all, let me just say this, okay? It's very, I find that I'm, I,

when I'm on the, on the road, especially when I'm solo, I'm when I'm on the road especially when I'm solo I'm solo now I didn't bring an opener I have my promoter here that I met in Australia and we've been traveling around together and he's great

but I'm solo and I find myself fucking thinking about you guys thinking about my babies, like walking around, looking at things and thinking, oh, and seeing, oh, okay, so that'll be good to talk about on the podcast or something like that. Bet the babies would like that. And so I fucking – I guess I understand that it's a symbiotic relationship here. We need each other.

But it made me realize that here all the way over fucking 14 hours away from Los Angeles. Hey, that flight's too long. Make it quicker. Make it nine hours or something. But it's 14. And every time I fucking do it, you're like, oh, I'll go, you know. You go in with like an attitude. You're like, this is going to be long.

You're going to fucking crush it, dude. Go to bed. Go to sleep. So you get there, you fucking sleep. Two hours go by. You wake up and you're like, how long has it been? And they're like, two hours, mate. And you're like, you got 11 hours left? You're like, yeah, for fuck's sake. And then you sleep more, and then you're like, how long was that, and they were like, nah, you got like 10 hours, 30 minutes left, you're like, oh, for fuck, I slept for 30, my body's betraying me, only slept for 30 minutes, it's not okay, um, It's not okay. So what's been going on here in Australia?

Man, I'll tell you. Came to Melbourne first. Well, first of all, flew into Sydney, then flew to Melbourne. So it was literally a connecting flight. After 14 hours, had to get back on the flight. And whoever set that up, one fire. Because there are, for sure, direct flights from Los Angeles to Sydney. So I don't know why.

I mean there's got to be, right? I don't even know. But so I did that flight and then I got in. And, dude, for the first two fucking days, I was walking around like a zombie, dude. I met the promoter out here and I had known him already. I met him in Montreal when I was there. His name's Andrew. Great guy.

And I was just, I don't want to say I was rude, but I was just like, when he would ask me a question, I'd just be like, yeah, yeah, that's true, or something, because I was tired.

Dude, by the way, I looked up jet lag because I want to know really what the fuck it is. Because it's just being tired, dude. I know people are like, well, there's a thing that happens to your body when you're that high up for that long. And there's an over on the waist. You know what?

How about this? You were just on a plane for 14 hours. And also, it's tomorrow now. So I'm tired as shit shit jet lag or just tired maybe just tired um so i would for like two days it was i mean i was just like trying to drink coffee oh hey by the way man australia everyone talks about how good Australian coffee is, and I've had good coffee here. But here's the deal, dude.

First of all, in Melbourne at least, there's, I mean, every other shop thing is a coffee shop. It's un-fucking-believable. Every other fucking thing, you can get coffee at it. It doesn't matter if it's a fucking Ikea. It's like coffee ikea cafe it's it's fucking it's sizzlers coffee it's unbelievable how much fucking coffee you can get anywhere but in america i get an iced americano now obviously in australia that's not going to be what it's called. It's going to be called some other bullshit because I just feel like Americano, it wasn't

going to be Americano. So I fucking asked, I got to, when I got to Sydney for connecting, I said, can I get an iced coffee? Because I figured that would just be normal. And I'm like, I'm not going to fucking get an iced Americano. I'll just get an iced coffee. And they say, Chris, they call me, and it's this bullshit drink that's beige. Now, I want it black because it's coffee because coffee is black unless you put shit in it. So did they put shit in it?

I looked, and I was like, I got an iced coffee. And they were like, yeah, that's it. And I was like, okay. They iced coffee. And they were like, yeah, that's it. And I was like, okay. They were like, you wanted a latte. And I was like, but I, yeah, iced coffee? And they were like, yeah. Is it an iced coffee or a fucking latte?

Like, what the fuck's going on? Because I still don't know, by the way. So I found out what I'm supposed to be ordering is an iced long black. And now I've been in Australia for about five days. And I'm going to look this up on the internet now since I don't have my computer, my producer here. Iced long black. Now, I don't remember. I've been here for five, six days. I don't know if it's iced long black or ice black long, but it's iced long black. And I'm going to forget that again when I ordered it next time. But basically, that's what the iced Americano is here. So now

I'm walking around saying fucking iced long black, like an asshole, like I don't know what I'm saying. But every time I almost say iced black long, sometimes I say black long. So now I'm walking around saying fucking iced long black, like an asshole, like I don't know what I'm saying. But every time I almost say ice black long, and sometimes I say black long, and then I try to think like, okay, it's not black long. Remember, that sounds like black lung, and that's a fucking disease that you get. So don't say that one, say ice long black. But then I fucking go there, and I'm like, wait, was it not the disease thing or the disease thing? And then I say, can I get an ice black long, and they're like, or an ice long black, whatever the fuck it's called. And they're like, yeah, sure. And the fuck it's called and they're like yeah sure and then they do it and they always here's why i get it together motherfuckers in australia they they do it in the fucking regular hot coffee cup they don't give you a fucking

plastic see-through cup they literally so it's like now i gotta drink it in four minutes otherwise the cup gets soggy And it starts looking like a Salvador Dali painting in my hand Like a Like a melted clock bullshit You know what I'm talking about? Put it in a glass

Put it in a see-through cup Get it together And look There's been some good coffee in Australia But put it in the right thing Huh? Put it in the right thing, huh? Put it in the right thing. I hate when they get, you know, when you go to like Starbucks or some other coffee shop and they're like, sorry, we ran out of the flat lids. Here's a dome lid. Ruined my day.

I get it. My life's pretty easy. You give me a dome lid on something that belongs with a fucking flat lid, ruined my day. I get it. Privileged. Do your job right. Get enough fucking flat lids. How about that? How about that? How about that?

Isn't that that Drake song? It's annoying when I sing that, but... Get a fucking dome... Don't put a dome lid on the dome lid. Put the fucking flat lid on the flat lid. How about that? How about... Oh, no, it's how about now that's what it is how about now sin secure that song you didn't like me when i was broke how about now how about now sin secure rap is so fucking insecure though for real um remember that song when they're like we eat so many shrimp

like yo that's how it starts i think that's three six mafia we eat so many shrimp like gonna get fucking indigestion oh really egg gross so many imagine imagine being such a mobster and so gangster and like such and like rapping but being like yo dawg we eat so many imagine imagine being such a mobster and so gangster and like such and like rapping but being like yo dawg we eat so many fucking goddamn shrimp we better rap about that shit not for nothing but we better put that shit first we eat so many shrimp you didn't like me when i didn't eat so many shrimp. How about now? How about now? So anyway, Australia's cool. Everyone fucking,

Australia's one of those places like Austin though where everybody's like, dude, nobody says anything bad about it. Everyone's like, dude, it's fucking amazing. You got to go. It's fucking beautiful women, great beaches, such a cool vibe. And yeah, it's good. It's good.

Now, granted, I haven't been to Sydney yet, and I feel like that's going to be my fucking shit. I didn't know there were that many Asians here in Melbourne. It's unbelievable, dude. I went to the Asian area, I guess. I don't know what it is. It's like five blocks of... And you know what? The other thing too is like,

even though it's English, there's a language barrier. Like, oh, I fucking asked this guy. I was on the hotel and I was like, where's the elevator? And he was like, what? And I said, where's the elevator? And he said, what's that? And was like, where's the elevator? And he was like, what? And I said, where's the elevator? And he said, what's that?

And I said, where's the elevator? And he said, I'm sorry. And I was like, okay, we did this three times already. I'm very clear. I'm saying, where is the elevator? So let me try to say it again and not make it seem like this guy is a fucking moron. So I was like – like I didn't want to be like, where is the elevator? Because then I make it seem like I think he's an asshole.

So I'm like, okay. So I just said it again. I'm like, the elevator, where is the elevator? And then I realized – and then I just said, oh, the lift. And he said, oh, it's right down there. Like was this guy fucking with me? Come on, dude. I understand you're Australian and you call it a lift, but you know what an elevator is.

Dude, if I'm in America and somebody says, where's the lift? Maybe I'll say what once. Maybe. But I'll probably just point where the fucking elevator is. I feel like the guy was fucking with me. There's a lot – he was Asian. So maybe that had something to do – like maybe he was from – me. There's a lot of, he was Asian. So maybe that had something to do, like maybe he was from, not from here,

not from even Australia. I don't know. But then I went and I stopped and I got some sushi. And this guy says, the guy who's making the sushi, he was pretty good. But he was like, where are you from? And I was like, I'm from Los Angeles.

And he says, oh, Jewish people, huh? And I was like, yeah, I don't know. And he said, yeah. And I was like, ah, cool. And then he showed me his phone and was like i have a the accent i can't do but he was like because he was taiwanese i came to learn but he was like i have

a friend who is uh from that area and he pointed he showed me his facebook and point it on his friend's profile and then where he's from. And it was – it said Colorado. And I was like, oh, yeah, Colorado. Yeah, I've been there before. He says, Colorado. And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's far from where I live in Los Angeles. But, you know, I was like, I guess there's maybe Jews there. I don't know.

Because I felt like that was the fucking thing he wanted to know about. And then he was like, okay. And then he said, North Colorado, South Colorado. And I think he was thinking Carolina. And I was like, oh, yeah, they don't do that in Colorado. It's just Colorado. And then I was like, what the fuck am I doing? And then I left.

But there's like some sort of a weird language barrier with like lift and elevator and shit and some people i don't know if they're fucking with me they don't know what the fuck i mean but like come on guys get with it get with it um sorry just figuring out this fucking device here because i don't have my producer one fire um so yeah so i don't know how i trailed off i don't know i I don't have my producer at one fire. So yeah, so I don't know how I trailed off. I also don't have my producer here to fucking get me back on track. So like this is just going to be fucking so many tangents here in Australia. But yeah, it feels a bit like my journal, dude. You know, you guys, I'm happy that the babies are listening.

Oh, and there's going to be no video podcast this week. And I'm sorry about that because I don't have the fucking equipment, but it'll be back in two weeks, the video or yeah, I might actually do the podcast Tuesday next week so I can just do it when I get back because I get back Tuesday, but early in the morning. But I was in – oh, by the way, dude, I fucking get – like in Australia, you hear about a few things in Australia. You hear about how great the vibe is, how beautiful the beaches are, and how pretty the girls are. And then you hear about spiders and kangaroos.

And I'm like, I know I'm, I fucking hate spiders. I'm like, I know I'm going to run into some spider, like in an alley somewhere, and the spider's just going to be there like, hey, how you going, mate? And I'm just going to be like, oh, you guys fucking talk? Yeah, we're bigger over here. How you going?

You like how hairy I am? You don't see hairy spiders over in America, do you? Well, over here, we're so fucking hairy, we make Armenians look like a baby. I mean, so turned British, but you know what I'm talking about. I'm like fucking, hello, I'm from Australia. Fucking get away, bag. Fucking bag.

So, um, how's it going? I'm a spider. fucking get away bag fucking bag so um how's it going I'm a spider eh um so gonna pull out my hair so um so I'm like I know I'm gonna fucking see a spider but then I'm like dude

I'm staying in like hotels and shit it's gonna be fine so dude I took a shower yesterday and I fucking put the towel up like a good guy because I want to save the planet, you know? But do you guys do that or not? You know how you can throw the towel on the floor and they'll put it back? They'll get a new towel? Or you can save the fucking planet and put your towel and hang your towel up so they don't take it and they don't have to do the extra laundry? I love how they say save the planet.

Like they'll put a little fucking pamphlet in your, like on your toilet. And it's like, Hey, do you want to use, um, do you want to use a new, uh,

uh, towel or do you want to save the planet? Like we're fucking captain america but you know i try to do my part so if the towel's not too fucking soiled i'll hang it up so they don't have to take it and and because i want to save the planet so um so i i put the fucking towel up and then, and then I go to sleep, I mean, that's not in that order, there's much, I did a lot in between there, but anyway, these are the important steps that I need to tell you about, so I fucking hang the towel up, and then I fucking go to sleep,

a lot in between, but then I wake up, and I'm going to take a shower, I wake up, I open the shower door, the fucking, the towel is on the door, so it opens up. I close it. I fucking shower. Of course, I'm in one of the hotels. Hey, 30% of hotels, the drains are too slow. Get plumbers.

Hey, hey, get plumbers. So it's fucking up. I'm waiting now in the fucking shower because Min Hotel and 30% of hotels, you can't take more than a five-minute shower without waiting, without shooting fucking. What was that movie with Brad Pitt and Tom Skerritt? Whatever that movie was where they play fly fishermen. I don't know. But anyway, so I turn off the shower, and then I go to grab the towel,

and I notice something's on the towel as I put my face in it, and then I pull it away, and it's a fucking hairy spider. Dude, this is what I did. This is how I reacted. I said, Jesus Christ. And then I threw the fucking towel on the shower floor. And now it's soaked because it's fucking so wet and it's not draining. And I went, Jesus Christ. And I said that I think 11 times walking around my fucking hotel room. It was like in a movie when you see a spider get in a towel

and you're like, spiders don't get in towels. Like maybe in a shoe or something or on the wall. It straight up got in the towel and it was going to attack me, dude. It was so fucking scary, man. And I know it's not that scary because it was probably a harmless spider, but I don't give a fuck.

How about if you have eight legs? That's creepy. Imagine a dude with eight legs, right? Oh, but except you're smaller with no face and you're hairy all over? Oh, creepy. face and you're hairy all over? Oh, creepy. Basically, a spider is a fucking guy that's so fucking tiny and hairy and then has eight legs and no face. Oh, that, yeah. I mean, try to describe that to a fucking alien. Hello? What is this spider you speak of? Is it like a human? No, it's actually, well, describe it. Okay. It's about the size of a thumb.

Hairy. Fucking has no face and eight of these legs that I have here. Oh, my God. We are going back to Mars. We will never go back. Have you heard about these spiders? Spiders. Are spiders like humans so oh so i'm fucking and whatever that's not even fucking so they call it soda water not club soda here that's what i drink but then i

fucking asked for fucking soda water and they don't know what it means they're like oh we don't have and then i look on the menu and they have fucking pellegrino on like i'll just get this and they're like oh sparkling water yeah help me out you know help me help you uh but the shows have been great man adelaide was the first time i ever performed overseas and it's fucking awesome um and they do this thing in australia where they have an intermission or an interval they call it like the opener goes up and then there's like supposed to be like uh people go to the bar and get drinks for like 15 minutes and then come back and then it's the main act and i'm like fuck that i don't want to do that shit bring me up but then the promoter was like well we don't do that it might be weird for the audience so let's just have the opener go on and then and then i'll all do it from

the booth and just be like ladies and gentlemen you know first australian tour crystalia so we did that and i did it and all the jokes worked I didn't really have to I changed one thing I guess there's no TGI Fridays which is a restaurant in America there's none of that in Australia so I had to change that to Sizzlers that's about it

other than that I've been walking around drinking coffee they tried to set up a fucking thing where I was going to go see the reserve or something, I don't know what they, that's what they called it, and I was like, is it a zoo, and they're like, yeah, kind of, and I was like, ah, well, what, they're like, oh, it's like open, it's like a zoo with no walls or some shit, and I was like, oh, that sounds fucking like, that'll be the end of my life, oh, cool, animals with no walls around them, and they can just fucking rip my arms off, Oh, cool. Animals with no walls around them?

And they can just fucking rip my arms off? You seen kangaroos, bro? You seen kangaroos? Hey, kangaroos have shoulders. Any animal with shoulders, put a fence around it. I want you to fucking put a fence around my spider over here. It's still in there, by the way. There's a fucking spider in there under the towel that's soaking wet still. And I put make up the room. And of

course, I didn't make up the room. But it's in there. It's living in there. My spider. It's probably thinking I'll get him. But yeah, kangaroos have fucking shoulders, dude. You seen that? You saw that kangaroo flexing on Instagram? That motherfucker will literally steal your girl. Like without even she wanting to be stolen. She'll be like, no, no, no. But the thing will fucking drag it away. I haven't seen a kangaroo.

And I didn't know, by the way, I had no idea you could eat kangaroo. They got kangaroo burgers here. I'm a dumb fucking foreigner. I'm the foreigner here. I'm the foreigner here. It's weird to be a place where I'm the foreigner. I. I'm the foreigner here. I'm the foreigner here. It's weird to be a place where I'm the foreigner. I've never been the foreigner anywhere. Canada doesn't count.

I mean, I've been to Italy and shit and like Europe, but like that was when I was 19. Not as a like professional adult. I'm the fucking foreigner. I feel like a fish out of water. I don't know. But yeah, it's been fucking, it's been a while. I kind of miss home. I'm happy that I'm here and doing this. And a lot of the shows sold out.

But I do miss home. And I feel far away from my babies, even though there's a lot of Australian babies. So, you know, let me look at fucking my notes. I don't think I wrote anything down today or this week because I think I've just been traveling around for my podcast. Oh, yeah, these are all the shits from last week. Miss my doggies.

Miss them lots. They're very cute. I talk about them in my actggies. Miss them lots. They're very cute. I talk about them in my act a lot. And, you know, I was thinking about how, like, because I got my dogs new food and they like it. And I was thinking about how people are like, oh, yeah, they get like all natural, the all organic dog food and shit. And how fucking, like I know a guy who will only get that for their dogs or his dogs and he doesn't want them to eat not that shit. not that shit. And it's like, hey, dude, if you eat annoying as a human, that's annoying enough. If you have a dog, this is the whole thing. I try to not be too annoying in my life. Like if, if I like eating healthy, but I will never be the guy. If everybody orders pizza

to not have a slice of pizza, because then you're the fucking asshole and you're annoying, dude, you're fucking annoying. Eat the slice. Fuck boy. Eat it up. All right. But if you're not, fuck boy, eat it up, all right, but if you're not, if you're like that, fine, that's annoying, all right, and I got two dogs, and I realized that having two dogs is kind of annoying, so I don't make it annoying, right, like some people take their dogs places, by the way, I've seen one dog in Australia, one fucking dog in Australia, that's how to do it, man, everybody, look, I have dogs. You don't see me out with my dogs. People ask me, do you travel with your dogs?

Are you fucking insane, dude? I got to go somewhere and I'm going to bring animals? What? What are you talking about? What is this, Game of Thrones, I'm gonna bring, I'm gonna travel somewhere and bring animals, dude, no, I don't care if you cage them up or not, if you have a fucking dog on a flight, I don't care if you cage them up or not. If you have a fucking dog on a flight, you're an asshole.

I don't care if it's for emotional support. Be stronger. I don't care. Hey, don't cry on the plane. Leave your dog at home. I don't care. If you're blind, cool. That's the deal. If you have a dog on the plane, if you're blind Cool That's the deal If you have a dog on the plane

If you're not blind Close your fucking eyes the whole time And bump into shit when you walk Let your dog do it But like people with their Like that's so annoying I have two dogs I'm not annoying about them

I don't bring them places I very rarely have brought them To even a coffee shop You know Oh watch this. Watch this dog. Can you watch my dog while I... No, dude.

You're... No. It reminds me of smokers. Smokers are so fucking annoying. It's fine if you're a smoker, but when you're like, yeah, I got to go outside to smoke. Wait for me. No, no.

No, no. You missed out. I'm going. Bye. Meet me there. While you're getting cancer. Your prerogative. But meet me there. So, what was I talking about?

Dog. Let me try to backtrack this. See, this is what fucking apps I'm on. My producer won fire. so what was I talking about? Uh, dog. Let me try to backtrack to see this is what fucking apps are on my producer. One fire. Um, so dogs being annoying about the dogs being annoying about something else. I was talking about being annoying about fuck. I'm an idiot. And I know a lot of you guys know that.

And you're probably like, it's just that, but I don't fucking know. This isn't, this is just a monologue here. Anyway, my whole point is I have this guy that i know this guy that like only buys like organic and free-range dog food and i'm like dude if i fucking throw up my dog will eat that

my dog will eat a fucking My dog will eat a fucking... My dog would eat poison ivy. And you got to get the fucking dog food? That's like free range? Get captured. That's so annoying. Get captured. That's so annoying. Get captured. Like, come on, dude.

It's a dog. Do you bring your dogs when you travel? No, because I'm not a fucking circus. Do I have a bearded lady with me? Are you going to bring your dogs when you travel? When people say to me, do you bring your dogs when you travel?

I want to look at them and say, do I look like I'm traveling with a guy who has crab hands? Come on, man. Don't travel with animals. Don't be, oh God, chicks with their dogs. I can't go anywhere without my dog. You're horrible. Oh my God, I can't leave my dog. I got to get my papers to fucking... Nah, nah, nah.

You need extra papers to travel? Stay at home. Okay? You know where your dog should always be? Where it is right now. Anyway. Fucking don't travel with your fucking dog. Wait, I want to do it like this actually here.

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Halloween's coming up, huh? Hey, how about the fact that if you're fucking... God, this bag is just driving me fucking crazy, dude. Keeps blowing over here. So I wonder where that spider is at this point. You know what I feel a little bit like when I'm doing that podcast on my own is, and not with my producer, One Fire, is I feel a little bit like Bear Grylls, like, I'm like, here we are, when I'm out in, I mean, Melbourne, and I got like, I think, is he, is he, sound like that, does he have an accent, I think he does, I'm all the way up in the 11th floor of this hotel, I'm just hunkered down, I'm trying to find something to eat, gotta go in the minibar, see what they got, they got cashews, if you're lucky enough,

you'll find some cashews, or maybe some other shit that people would never eat unless they're in a hotel room, anyway, I was lucky enough to find a pillow, I put it down here, I got my podcast recorder plugged in, recordist, plugged in. There's a spider in the bathroom. Should be okay. He's under a damp towel. So, I do feel like that. But, because I'm literally on the floor right now.

Because I need to have this fucking thing plugged in. My producer's like, hey man, we charged the thing. It's fine. And every time I get to where I got to go and I need to have this fucking thing plugged in. My producer is like, hey, man, we charged the thing. It's fine. And every time I get to where I got to go and I got to do a podcast remotely, it's never charged ever. One fire. And this must just have a bad battery life or something. But anyway, I don't remember what I was going to talk about. Anyway, I don't remember what I was going to talk about, but I'm always surprised I can talk for longer than an hour, though, on this fucking podcast.

I watched fucking Wonder Woman on the flight over and also that new Planet of the Apes movie. Dude, I watched that Planet of the Apes movie, man. And how about the fact that, did you see that one? The one with Woody Harrelson? First of all, the first 20 minutes are fucking awesome. Okay? There's like this fight scene and all these gorillas and shit. And apes are like, oh my God, it's amazing how real they look. And then for like 50 minutes, the movie is only about the apes.

And only one of the apes talks. So it's like the shit the movie is only about the apes and only one of the apes talks so it's like a fucking silent movie and they're just looking at each other and they're going oh actually the one thing it was a cool movie okay i'm not bashing the movie but the one thing that was annoying about the movie was that they they so tried to in youryour-face it about how, hey, these apes are basically human. Like, we get it, dude. Like, we get the point. Dude, there were so many scenes where two apes would look at each other for way too long and, like, all emotional and shit.

And you were supposed to think, oh, it's cool because that's what humans do, you know? Like, oh, wow. Like they hold each other's faces and shit. But it was like, okay. And there was music playing and it was like, these apes are just looking at – I get it. I get the scene. Can we go to the next thing? Can I see Woody Harrelson trying to fucking find these apes?

But yeah, so much about the apes and and and shit and then one and then like they weren't like but it was funny because they weren't like they were like they literally was like we're like oh oh oh oh oh oh like that's what the ape would do that's what it would sound like oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh it was like they tried to make it like you know that they told the people who did the voice acting that they were like you know what definitely don't ape it up because we want the apes to be more human apes would just be like oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh it sounded like they were just fucking coming oh oh oh god oh my god oh oh I swear one time the ape went oh god yeah

all over take it take it ah you know like those Disney movies where they would have like a fucking a sultan with a boner um

like in a fucking either like uh uh what's a aladdin or like uh what's the one with the fucking um ariel like there'd be like a quick fucking shot of like a sultan with a boner the fuck's a sultan with a boner. The fuck's a sultan anyway? You know? Sultan. All I know is they wear crazy shit. Like, cool shit. Like, wow, how dumb do I sound? I don't know what a sultan is.

Somebody in charge of something, you know? But yeah, they'll have, like like a fucking sultan with a boner on the fucking Disney channel and shit. And that's like the artist thing. They think that's funny. And then every time they see fucking the movie Sultan with a Boner, every time they see a movie Aladdin, they see a sultan with a boner. Anyway, definitely he said sultan with a boner way too much. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

That was what one of the apes did. Dude, watch the new apes movie. And it's doing that. And then I also saw Thor. No, not Ragnarok. That's the new one. I saw Thor. Whatever the fuck it was.

The Dark Ages or some shit. It's probably called Thor the Dark Ages. Because why not? But I like that Chris Hemsworth. And then I saw Wonder Woman. I can't watch like real movies on the plane. Like I try, but it's just like they're never as good as they are when you can. So I got to watch like fucking action shit.

I got to watch shit where it's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I don't know. And so whatever. I have fucking two shows left in Melbourne and then five in Sydney, which I had no idea, but that's way too many, and then Brisbane, and then home, and Ohio. Then I go to Ohio. Let me do these other ads, and then I'll fucking do all the questions and shit. Tracker. Tracker.

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I don't know what to do here. Because I usually have my producer tell me. We're not going to do an elder today. And we probably won't do one for next week. But we are going to do them when we get back. I have some guys in mind. Uh, you guys have been really doing some fucking cool shit, uh, and to show that you go above and beyond the fucking, uh, being a baby in the baby fellowship. Um, so I have, uh, I have, I have, I'm looking through my Instagrams, and I don't remember which ones I've done, and I haven't done, but, I already did that one, that was the one with the guy

who had the fucking, sitting next to the girls with the tits. I think I did that one. I think that scarf is too big. Okay, let's do this one because this one I fucking love and I even liked it a long time ago. And nobody... Hey guys, it's time for the most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. The most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. The most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. Gunk. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Gunk. This is a really short and sweet one, dude.

And this one makes me fucking laugh, dude. And let me just tell you, it's because of one letter. That's why this is the most fucked up instagram post of the week okay so um wow actually i'm looking at this guy's profile okay so this guy uh is a guy he looks indian um and he is pointing to his temple but it looks like he's not pointing to it. It looks like he's doing it like, hey, I'm thinking. It's not like he's like, hey, that's my temple. It's like he's like thought.

He's like thinking thoughts, right? Smile, nice-looking, fine-looking guy, nice smile there, kind of a smirk. One fucking sentence under it. And this got most fucked up Instagram post of the week because of one letter. Okay?

This is what the caption is. When thoughts overtakes you. When thoughts overtakes you. Se. Wait.

Eh. Se. Foreign. Hey, man, just write it in your language, man. It's all good. Nobody's going to judge you. Thoughts don't overtakes you. Thoughts overtake you.

And because of that S, dude, I fucking saw it and, like, dude, I was, like, rolling around on the ground. Because also the way the guy looks he's just like so happy and shit when thoughts overtakes you also it's not when thoughts overtakes you it's when you're taking a selfie and that's it when thoughts overtakes you you take a selfie and you point to your temple nah you're just someone doing something

dude so funny like what's going on, you know, man, it's loud outside, well, I don't even know what's going on here, um, I guess there's a new, everyone's tweeting me there's a new Jean-Claude Van Damme movie coming out or something, which is pretty awesome, I'll definitely see that, let's see, oh man, why do I love fucked up shit like that, when thoughts overtakes you, oh good thing. Congrats.

See, I can't. How do you spell? Congratulations. I'm trying to look up these hashtags. Pod. Here we go. There we go. There we go.

Going to look up. See, it's so much easier with my producer, man. But. Okay, it's so much easier with my producer, man. Okay, here's one. Ben Guzman, at Ben Guzman, people who aggressively leave one to two seconds early at the crosswalk when there's a gang of people waiting on the corner. I guess he wants my thoughts on that, bro. Fuck that, man. That's awesome. Leave. Go. Get it. Go, motherfucker. Go. Fucking people dilly-dallying and shit. So annoying.

Move. Oh, my God. Now, this is a great tweet to me. At Savannah Breyer. At Savannah underscore Breyer. Hey, Chris Lea, how do you feel about this? Like, she knows how I feel about this. This is why I like this.

This is a sign that fucking says, I mean, who makes this shit, dude? Who makes this? I'm going to read it first. The sign says, I'm not just an aunt. A-U-N-T, obviously. I'm a big cup of wonderful covered in awesome sauce with a splash of sassy and a dash of crazy. Oh, for fuck's sake, dude. Dude, to think that they sold some of these.

I hate when people fucking say, well, that's me. I'm crazy. Like, all of this sucks. First of all, if you say awesome sauce, I know I had the thing about the fucking Wendy's thing, the sauce, some sauce or whatever the fuck. That's stupid. But this is a separate thing. Awesome. When people say awesome sauce, like, hey, I'll meet you later. Awesome sauce. Like, ugh. I want to

fucking punch my own face over and over again. But I'm not just an ant. First of all, yeah, you are. I'm a big cup. No, you're not a cup. You're not a big cup or a small cup because you're not a cup. You're human. Of wonderful.

First of all, this is dumb because it says, I'm a big cup of wonderful covered in awesome sauce. So no, dude, you don't cover a cup, you fill a cup. I'm a big cup of wonderful filled with awesome sauce. There, that at least is less infuriating, but now you're just a cup covered in awesome, awesome, who says awesome sauce, with a splash of, when they, when they describe personality traits like ingredients, I want to fucking jump off a boat, dude, and a dash of crazy, you're not crazy, dude, when people are like, oh, that's just me. I'm crazy. I was watching the little bit of the Power Rangers movie. And in fucking 20 minutes, the fucking

one of the guys is just like, they're like, are you crazy? And he's like, yeah, I am. And he's not. He's just a fucking high school student. You know, being crazy is awesome. If you get there, you get there, you get to call, it's just like a black belt. You don't pretend you're a fucking black belt. You don't put on a black belt if you're a yellow belt, bro. If you want to call yourself crazy,

earn it. And fucking shit in your pants and leave it there. And start yelling about the government. You don't get to be a dash of crazy. You get full on crazy. Dude, when people say, that's why I always say,

you never see somebody that's kind of crazy. You've never seen somebody that's kind of crazy. You always see somebody that's yelling about religion when the world's going to end or the government's doing something wrong. You're never fucking hanging out with someone and they're like, what was that? Did somebody say something? And you're like, what? And you're like, oh, nevermind. Must've been my brain. That's a little crazy. You never heard somebody say that shit. You don't get to be a dash of crazy. You're the whole fucking thing. And you're not covered in

awesome sauce. If you say awesome sauce, you're not awesome. And if anybody calls themselves sassy, I mean, how annoying is that person? Oh, I'm a sassy person. That's why. That's like when somebody, when a girl says like, I'm a bitch, whatever. Or when a guy is like, I'm not a dick. I'm just honest. Nah, you're a dick.

Hey, that's just me, man. Nah. Oh, that's just you, dick? When they use it under the guise of being honest. Yeah, fucking awesome sauce, bro. Uh, anyway, uh, I just realized that my TV has been on the whole time. So hopefully, hopefully you don't hear that in the background. uh uh okay

Yakuta baby at turnaround well we know that that guy's a fan of the podcast but uh what about people stocking shelves at a store and then actually start whistling you know I actually talk about this with my brother all the time if you're whistling you're an evil villain

if you're whistling I'm sorry about the villain. If you're whistling, I'm sorry about the construction. It started again. I can't believe I got such a, I think I did this podcast during their lunch and now they're doing jackhammering again. So I'm going to wrap this up soon. But if you're stocking shelves at a store and then if you're whistling period, you're an evil villain. Didn't I talk about this before? Who whistles? Who fucking walks down the street and is just just like what the fuck are you doing yeah i used to have this uh i i got i broke out in hives once when i was like in high school and i went to this allergist to see what i what i was wrong with me i had to go with

him a few times never figured out what was wrong with me he's a bunch of bullshit and paid him a lot of money to do nothing so he would like do tests on me and um and he would just be like he would hum and it wouldn't here's the thing that pissed me off he wouldn't hum a song he would just hum notes like bro if you're gonna be an annoying fucko and hum especially when you're in somebody's face doing them doing tests and shit if you're gonna hum all right that's one thing but if you're going to hum, all right, that's one thing. But if you're going to hum, hum fucking a song, you know? Hum like... You know that fucking Aerosmith song? Don't want to close your eyes. How about how he sings, dude? You know, could there be more S a rock star way to sing bending the notes and shit?

Don't want to close your eyes. Don't want to mess with me because I miss you, babe. I don't even want to go to the bathroom. Unless you're coming with me, baby. To watch me shit my brains out. Because if you don't come, then I'll be missing you, baby. Don't want to go to the store. Unless you're coming with me. Don't want to meet you anywhere. because we'll already be with each other don't want to close my eyes what a fucking pussy what a pussy don't want to close my what dude you also you're not like that Like this guy didn't fuck millions of chicks.

Like, come on, dude. Who's in Aerosmith? Who's the lead singer? Don't want to close my eyes. Yeah, you do. You do, and it's fine. And you don't miss. If you...

You know? What was I talking about, though? Oh, yeah. He would hum not a song. He would just hum notes. And it took me like a visit or two to realize like, it's not a fucking song. This motherfucker's literally got the audacity to be annoying, but not fucking do it in the confines of a song. fucking do it in the confines of a song? This guy is an allergist and he's going to just sing notes? Bro, who are you fucking? Buck? You know, that shit was like, know? That shit was like, nah, don't sing notes. Put it in a song. Make it. I don't even care if it's an obscure song. It wasn't dude. He'd be like, that guy who hums. Look, if you're a guy

who whistles, you're up to no good. You're plotting a murder. You're plotting a fucking huge disaster. If you're a guy who hums, you're going to get shot soon in a movie. That's what it is. Normal day. That's who you are in the movie. Hello? Yeah, dude. Yeah, dude.

So, no, if you're going to whistle, you're an evil villain. But if you're going to hum, hum a fucking song, dude. Anyway. That's a good thing to end on. You fucking babies, dude. Thanks for listening, man.

For real. It's real hard to do this podcast remotely, but I Thanks for listening, man. For real. It's real hard to do this podcast remotely, but I do it for you guys. And I also do it for my bank account. Just so you know. Because I make money when I do my podcast. So. Remember, Movement Watches. Get 15% off today with free shipping and free returns by going to MVMT.com slash congrats square cash. Have you switched yet?

Download this free square cash app, design your cash card, get it for iOS or Android. Now, uh, subscribe and rate and review the show. Tweet me at congrats pod or using the hashtag, uh, congratulations pod. I hope that you're enjoying the video episodes on YouTube. Video episodes go up Thursdays at the latest, but there will not be one this week, and I'm sorry about that. I'm still front with the idea of releasing it next week on Tuesday, the new one, but there may not be one for next week as well.

But upcoming shows, there's still Melbourne left. Well, I don't know. That's tonight, so it might be sold out or done or whatever, but it's still Melbourne left. Well, I don't know. That's tonight, so it might be sold out or done or whatever, but it's still coming. Sydney, Brisbane, Columbus, Ohio, Irvine, San Jose, Winnipeg, Calgary. You've got to

get quick on that Calgary show. It's almost gone. The Winnipeg one, adding another show because the first one sold out really quickly. Man on Fire, watch it, re-watch it, like it or whatever you do on Facebook now. I don't know if that's what you do. Not Facebook, on Netflix.

But yeah, chrisdalia.com, tickets. And you guys are the shit. And remember, man, if you're going to hum, hum a song. All right. I miss you, babies. But it's nice to see you Australian babies. Catch you later.

Catch you later. Bye. Bye.