Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 390. Dealt With

Episode Date: July 11, 2024

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Here we go. It is episode 390 of Congratulations. Wow! Cue the music. It's really great because it is episode 390, which means we're zeroing in on 400, which is just absolutely unbelievable. Never thought we'd do 400. Thought we would do four. We're doing that times 100. And it is July. It's hot. Right now, right now i'm probably in well maybe not yet i don't know i'm banking some episodes because i'm going to be in australia um perth adelaide uh brisbane melbourne sydney and auckland new zealand chrysalia.com go get your tickets come see me

i'm there i'm'm there like now. I'm like pretty much there now. I'm going to try and like jump in a kangaroo's patch. Pouch, not patch, just pouch. Just jump in. Just see how slimy it is. Because they're not slimy, right? I'll just put some stuff in there like it's a duffel bag and then pull it out and see how slimy it gets.

Just put my N64 in there or something like that. Maybe my Nintendo 64 with the controllers. Just stick them on in there and get them out. Start playing. Just start ripping games. Just playing them. And then what happens is they get all slimy. So yeah, come see me in perth and

auckland and all their places you know it'll aid got two shows in brisbane because they like me in brisbane milban and uh sydney yeah uh so yeah so that's it australians really really killing it eh if you've ever met an Australian, you've met somebody with tattoos all over their body because Australians have so many tattoos because they're an island of people who just don't really care, you know? Put a flame on it or something when they go to the tattoo shop.

Here's an Australian that goes to the tattoo shop. I don't know. Just maybe like a bicycle or something. I don't know. Here's my impression of an Australian at a tattoo shop that just walked in with his hands in his pockets. Hey, I don't know. Maybe like a four leaf clover or something. I'm not sure, like a devil with an eight ball. It doesn't matter really. Just got to get covered, mate, you know, because I'm so

Australian. You know how many Australians don't have tattoos? Four. But yeah yeah so uh anyway that's what's up uh i was at the um i played two interesting gigs this weekend well i played four actually but i played two out of the norm ones i was at the uh the kookaburra lounge uh in on hollywood and highland which was really fun. It's a great club. It's a really nice club. And it's got no business being that nice. I walk in and you're like, wow, why is this so nice? The sound system is amazing. And it's like the seventh or eighth week it's going, and it just opened.

And if you have a chance, go check that club out. It's amazing. Just go check it out because it will be a good time no matter who's playing. But also, see who's playing there? The Kookaburra Lounge. But I was there, and I had a great time with some of my buds and did a show there. And, uh, excuse me.

Excuse me. show there and uh um i also uh was at uh the what do you call it the the end in south bay which is what it's called it's called the end uh and i did a show with brian callan and man was it fun we did a little you know we do those quick and dirty videos, Brian Callen and I. We did a quick and dirty video. We're kind of going to make it a quick and dirty thing. The acting challenge went off really well with everyone. So we did, we took it live. We went live on stage and did the acting challenge, and people took it throughout suggestions, and we acted.

We acted our asses off. And, you know, so go check that out when it comes out. It'll be coming out soon. But anyway, and then I also have another crowd work video too because the crowd was absolutely insane. I did like 25 minutes of crowd work. Whatever. It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter, mate, you know. Like, I don't know, like Dreamcatcher or something. How about like a frog in a top hat, huh? Michigan J frog or something, that's an Australian going into it, it doesn't matter, just on my forearm right there, just like a frog or something, frog on a lily, huh, doesn't matter, just start drawing, mate, start drawing, we'll figure it out later, cover it up, just cover it, just get a full black sleeve, mate. All right? Doesn't matter.

I'll come in and cover it up. It doesn't matter. Put something up there so I'll have to put something up there afterwards. All right, mate? Just want to get completely covered. Just face black. Well, they'll say it's black face until I get my whole body covered.

I'll just be black body. Doesn't matter. Anyway, I have to stop talking like that but uh yeah so it was super fun uh had a great time uh asked brian callan to do 30 minutes before me and he did 40 so that's's cool. He does too long. Something is up with him in time, dude. You're just like, yo, be there at 3. 3.15 he'll show up. And it's annoying, right?

Because especially as a comic, you need to be where you say you're going to be at a certain time because you're going to have to go on stage. But anyway, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You know what I mean? We were having a blast this week. We really were. I went up at the lab factory too. And man, it's amazing how much my mood changes. Oh, Hey dude.

He's insecure. Yeah, dude. Oh man. He's more insecure than he thought he was. Yeah, dude. That's great, man. But it's okay. Cause he's young. He's 44.

He's figuring it out. Oh, it's all right, dude. Six years away from, that's great, man. But it's okay because he's young. He's 44 and he's figuring it out. Oh, it's all right, dude. Six years away from 50. All good, man. Wow, he's figuring out how insecure he is. You know, if I go up and have a fine set, I come home, maybe I'll be ho-hum. If I go up, I have a bad set, I come home, I'll be upset. If I come home after a great set,

dude, my wife better be ready. I came home, I had a great show. It was like Saturday Night Live. Saturday Night Live. It was like Saturday night. It was a great lineup. And it was one of those, so I was a special guest, right?

So it was, I can't even remember who was first. But it was like, oh, it was Ruben, Paul, Killer. Matt Rife went on, Killer. Everyone was there to see him. And then Eric Griffin went on. The guy destroyed. And then I had to go last. And it wasn't my, they weren't there to see me.

They didn't know I was going to be there. So I get on stage. And Eric comes off stage. I'm like, man, dude, you're going to, this sucks. You killed. And now I got to go on. And, uh, and he was like, oh, well, it's not one of your theater shows. And he, you know, he was like, go fucking go do it, man.

Fuck it. You know, like trying to like goad me on. And I went on and absolutely zero problem. And I thought it was good. You know, I was insecure and i fucking did really well really fucking god and it made me feel so good dude and it's so i here's what i wish i love stand-up comedy it's my favorite one of my favorite my favorite thing um i wish i could feel that good without things.

Come on, life. You drive a hard bargain, life. Come on. Why can't I just feel that good? Why can't I have that much self-esteem that I just feel that way walking somewhere? He's walking on sunshine. Oh, why can't I feel that music dude why can't i feel it why why am i so oh dude i mean like i look if i'm at j crew which i never am this is just i'm

throwing it out there and a uh a clerk or someone who is saying you know uh trying to uh sell me a v-neck sweater it rubs me the wrong way or is rude to me i go like this who cares i can't brush your shoulders off ladies as pimps to come brush your shoulders off but i fucking literally brush my shoulders off dude because i i don't that person doesn't matter in my life uh and i i can walk outside of j crew on colorado boulevard in pasadena and just kind of i'm still kind of fine right um but when it comes to stand-up, oh, it fucking dictates my mood. So that's great. Sensational.

Just fantastic. I wish it didn't. I wish I could just feel that way about myself. But I let other people determine myself. Yes, dude. And I also, also with my wife too. If she ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. Ain't no right.

That's all about codependence. If you want to, wait, no, that's the fucking other one. That's the fat. What's up? If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife. Just from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you.

Dude, how hardcore were oldies? Like the only other songs that people think like hip hop is crass. And like, whoa, dude, are you kidding me? Put a paper bag on a head and fuck the, like fucking what's his name would say or some shit. What's his name? Slick Rick. Dude, you want to get real gangster that way back fucking if you want to be happy with for the rest of your life never make a pretty woman your wife just for my personal point of view get an ugly bitch to

marry you they don't give a fuck dude oldies dude. Oldies? I like toast and jam. What is that fucking, what is that? I like toast and... I like butter. I like some, I like what? Yeah, I like... I like toast and jam. But what's the first one?

Worst song of all time, dude. I like bread and butter. Not only are the lyrics bad, the guy singing horrid. It's fucking... It's the guy from... Simpsons. It's his album.

I like bread and butter. I like toast and jam. I like bread and butter I like toast and jam I hear um who is the one that does that on the Simpsons Nelson dude anyway um so

that's the thing about uh that's the thing about music is that it it's kind of like it's kind of like... It's kind of... When they started putting lyrics to it, we got real bad music, you know? And I'm not saying we didn't get real good music,

but like you go, you listen to some Bach or, you know, Beethoven or Mozart or some shit or some of the lesser known guys who just fucking played the piano or played the violin or whatever it is. You can just kind of zone out you know um and just listen you know like kristen will listen to classical music while she's fucking cleaning up the kids toys and i'm just like she's zoning out dude or she's listening to one of her fucking thorn of crowns books. You know, audio. I mean, dude,

she'll put in ear pods, air pods, whatever they're called. She'll be just like cleaning up toys and I'm watching like the latest 2020 or something

and I'll just, she'll be cleaning up toys and I'll just hear her go. And I'll say, what? And she says, oh, just fairies. There are fairies fucking in my book I'm just like okay you know guys have porn women have honestly thoughts isn't that funny they just have this is this is this is this just guys checking out guys check out with porn women

check out with thoughts um yeah dude uh so it is what it is but uh so i was so i came home and i had a i i just wish things didn't dictate my mood i'm just like fucking it's not bipolar at all or whatever but it's like dude kristen was singing um that song i mean dude billy we're she was putting to him, which is like, fine. It's not, it's not, it's very sweet, actually. But she was like killing it. And she was singing that, Hallelujah, Hallelujah. Fucking, Hallelujah, Hallelujah. Fucking hallelujah.

Hallelujah. Reson down, down, down, down, down. Remin down, man, now, now. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Hallelujah. And so I'm walking and I'm like is that her because it's in billy's room and the doors closed and also the the the what do they call that the sound machine is on so i'm like it's too loud how loud is this for him like if she's just hallelujah in the baby's ear hallelujah in the ear just in the

in the fucking face the baby's just and so she gets out and i was like was that you singing hallelujah she's like yeah you heard it i was like babe you you were like pavarotti in there and so she was like oh oh yeah, my mom used to sing that to me when I was a kid and I'd go, cute. So you're just passing it along. All good. I do that too

with my kids, you know, when I put them to bed. But I sing the Proclaimers. And I will walk 500 miles and I will walk 500 more just to be the man who put 500 miles down at your door. Walking out. Just fucking. When I wake up and I know it's going to be a man who wakes up next to me.

Gay. I did the gay version. up and I know it's gonna be it's gonna be a man who wakes up next to me gay well I did the gay version and uh so anyway uh she's outside now she's she goes outside and starts reading her book you know and she's outside the book and I I just hear I still hear and I'm just like, dude, you have this song stuck in your head. Like of all songs, you're just, dude, she's a 32-year-old woman. She thought it was upstairs, dude, and I peek my head out to watch her. She's off or up on her computer eating a Clif Bar. And I'm just like, hey, hey, hey, sweetheart. Hey, get it together. With the Clif Bar just,

Hallelujah, hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Like dude Just Hallelujah Click offer $50 For a fucking ceramic plate with an angel on it Got the life Got the life

Um Anyway I've already sang too much during this episode Got the life. Anyway, I've already sang too much during this episode, so I have to calm down. I just don't know. I don't know. I don't know. There was somebody at this fucking place I was just at. Dude, I just... You know what?

I just can't wait till? I, I like, I just can't wait till AI gets to be like, you can change your face out in public because like, well, first of all, it will be cool because I didn't, you know, people won't come up to me and be like, wow, you're amazing. You know, David Brent, I'm kidding. And, uh, but no, but for real, you wouldn't have to run into people you know. Right? Like that's the main.

And people you kind of know. How about the worst? You want to ruin my day? Run into me and only kind of know me. You know? Because there's always that thing where it's like, do I say hi or do they even do they say hi do they know remember we met so i had to pick a different seat i hated it i had to do that too because i wanted to sit near the person but then i didn't want to be like hey you know so i picked a different seat

which sucks like i'm a bitch for that i'm a bitch for that for letting that happen i should have just went sup sat down but i didn't have it, for letting that happen. I should have just went, sup, sat down. But I didn't have it together with me that day. I didn't have it. So it was all good. I need to fucking seriously just,

I fucking hate Clif Bars. They're so bad. My sons have eaten more Clif Bars than I ever have already. It's great. And Kristen thinks that they're so bad. My sons have eaten more Clif Bars than I ever have already. It's great. And Kristen thinks that they're good for... Can you fucking please write to Kristen that Clif Bars aren't good for you?

My son's going to grow up and want to be a rock climber because of them. You know, Clif Bar, candy bar. Just eat a fucking Snickers for fuck's sake. Have pie. You know? Listen, I want to talk to you guys about ShipStation here, okay?

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Don't lose sight of that, right? Merch is an important part of our brand here, and Ship Station crucial and key in helping uh me run that and have the merch run and ship on time and all that stuff so it's got an easy to use dashboard it makes managing orders smooth label printing uh reporting and customer service easy scale your business and reduce warehouse costs with ship stations reliable enterprise solutions you shave you shave thousands off of the uh shipping costs it's great this gets up to 89 off ups dhl express and usps rates now listen 130 000 companies have grown their e-commerce business with ship station you can too all right 98 of those companies that stick with ship station for a year become customers for life. What else do you want you're missing out? Work less and ship more with ShipStation, the innovative tool that helps you

turn your shipping challenges into opportunities for growth. Go to ShipStation.com and use code congrats to sign up for free 60-day trial. That's ShipStation.com, code congrats. PlayStation.com code congrats. Let's see who's back, actually. You know, I talked about this guy a long time ago. I can't remember his name, but sex, but like sexual. Anyone would say that this was gay, but he's saying it's not gay. It's just men being men. And this guy, I talked about him a year ago, maybe more.

And I think since then he's blown up because of how crazy and outlandish he is. But also I think he was on Your Mom's House, and there's clips of him on there. I'm pretty sure. And this is his new video. So I just went for a run, did some workouts, some push-ups. I'm just pulling back my foreskin, and I'm just— Oh, okay. So the matter-of-factness, absolutely just unreal. I'm sorry sorry i have to listen to that again i i'm

sorry so i just went for a run did some workouts some push-ups i'm just pulling back my foreskin and i'm just waving my hummus cannon around that you know dude waving my hummus cannon around. First of all, started, you don't ever, if you have to say foreskin, you don't start it, the sentence with so. All right, unless you're a doctor. So I went for a run, did some pushups, pulling back my hummus cannon. So I just went for a run, did some workouts, some pushups.

I'm just pulling back my foreskin and I'm just waving my hummus cannon around, that shroom.'m that's wrong i think there's a very subtle pheromonal primal secretion of apocrine pheromones underneath the foreskin and from the sides of the glands bro do you hear this this is a guy that would be on like Joe Rogan and then Joe Rogan would have him on and then there would be like 40,000 people that agreed with him. And the, what's it called?

The scrotal sack. And it's really interesting. The what's it called? The scrotal sack. Because in ancient Sparta, the men were constantly working out with their foreskins forward. Dude, this guy always goes back to ancient sparta

he's just like yeah i just went for rum by the way the men in ancient sparta used to suck each other off for um for nutrients or this little thing called a kind k-nodes may k-y-n-o-d-e-s-m-e which in english means dog tie and it was a string to tie their foreskin forward and then the foreskin underneath would get very very sweaty during the workout during the naked wrestling etc and then they would go and shower together and they would pull back their foreskins and you get this very rank primal masculine pheromonal release from all of the mushrooms in the bathhouse bro from all of the mushrooms in the bathhouse that sounds like a movie that like uh what's her name would be in um

what's her what's her fucking name uh where um um Hold on, I got it. No. Daisy Edgar Jones would be in it. Is that her? Yep. That's 100% Daisy Edgar Jones would be in that movie. And you get this very rank, primal, masculine,

pheromonal release from all of the mushrooms in the bathhouse after they wrestled. What the frick? I put... Stop it. There was a timer going off. Whoops. My bad. Sorry, guys.

Try to limit that sound. Naked in the gymnasium. Gymnos means place of male undress. Gymnos means place of male undress. Gymnos means place of male undress. Also, who cares? You know? Hey, if the ancient fucking... If the ancient Spartans used to pull their foreskins back

so they could smell them, that's part of history that we don't need to know about. You know? Dude, you know why? Because I wouldn't need to know if my friends were doing that. How about that? If I don't need to know if my friends were doing it, I don't need to know about it in history, okay? Sure, I need to know if there was genocide. I need to know if, you know, there was a killing of a queen or a king. I don't care if Spartans tied up their foreskin and got them all sweaty and then pulled back their foreskin to expose their mushroom to smell rankness.

I don't need to know that. And so I find it really interesting. Men are really missing out on that aspect. Like there are, you know, hockey dudes who get naked. They pull back their foreskins and they'll shoot their hummus onto a cookie sorry what there there are who are these hockey dudes but it's always done in the dark in a sense of like in shame and and

secrecy. Let's bring these rituals back into the light, back into the sun. Let's get those mushrooms out and sniff, sniff, sniff and bring in 5D, right? We need to activate the pheromones into the olfactory sense. Dude. It's so – the internet is not not it shouldn't have been made you know like it shouldn't have been like it's not this guy that is the problem this guy's great he's great it's a guy that he will influence to take his mushroom out in like a fucking outside of shop right on the patio just like i'm getting vitamin d

so i just went for it is weird that people will just talk about everything online. I mean, look, I have a podcast. It's almost been 400 hours of this podcast, and I've also done a lot of other podcasts. I've said some crazy shit, but that, to believe it and say that and to believe it is absolutely bonkers. But what the fuck do I know, man? He's like, we need to bring those ancient rituals back.

No, we evolved past that. We evolved. Also, it didn't happen. I'm sorry. I know there are some weird things that go on throughout history. Maybe I could imagine a world where you're like,

you have to wrestle with guys so you tie up your penis because of a weird kind of, you know, back then they thought the devil walked among them. And like, you know, there were people still do, I guess. But like. And then they go, well, now you have to untie the shaft and take a shower. If they even showered.

But what a trip, man. Don't do that, huh? Ew. How about this? Ew. Hmm. A lot of deviancy out there. ...to smile.

Now listen carefully to the off-camera voice that has to tell her to smile, honey. Nancy Kerrigan. What's, honey. Nancy Kerrigan. What's this for? Nancy Kerrigan's so over it. ...to most of the stations across the country that are eager to hear about him. Do we have an attitude problem here? I mean... During a parade, do we have an attitude problem here?

Kerrigan complained to Mickey Mouse, It's so corny, so dumb, I hate it. The most corny thing I've ever done. She says, it's so corny to Mickey Mouse. It's so corny, so dumb. I hate it. The most corny thing I've ever done. She says it's so corny to Mickey Mouse. Look at him looking at her, just waving. Oh, this is the most corny thing I've ever done. And it says it saying it to Mickey Mouse. Hey, also, it's a parade.

All parades are corny as shit. And she won a medal right for skating and you know it's like i guess you could you're you're allowed to be in a bad mood but also now it kind of explains why your fucking kneecap got bashed in you know and i'm not trying to be a dick but like we get we you know it's like look everyone's this is the thing about victims it's like at some point you got to be like, look, you get your knee bashed in and that sucks. Yes.

A hundred percent shouldn't happen, but maybe you shouldn't pitch shit. You know what I'm saying? Maybe you shouldn't pitch shit. Right. I'm not, you know, it's like,

it's like, um, uh, uh, Bruce Willis in the diehard movie where he walks around with the sign that says, I hate. And then the N word, maybe he's in the town where most black people are, don't pitch shit.

You got in trouble there. Oh, yeah, dude, violence is never the answer, but don't pitch shit. You know what I'm saying? So it's like, yeah, you shouldn't get bludgeoned in your kneecap, but also be nicer, right? Both things can be true. Can we agree? Can we agree both things can be true?

Be nice and also don't bash in kneecaps. So anyway, crazy that that happened. If that happened today, it would be news for eight hours and then nobody would give a shit. Also, remember there's aliens? Remember that? A few months ago? Remember like six months ago? The government is all just like,

yeah, dude, there's aliens. And everyone goes like this, oh, fuck. And then they just went grocery shopping because they just went about their day because the world's insane. Remember? Huh?

Remember? Oh, man. Absolutely mental. Damn, dude. It's so awesome to go to Disneyland and be to mickey mouse and say this is corny and get paid fucking millies for it you know that disneyland it's so weird that culture that people love it like my my wife loves it and like i mean look my kids think it's fun well actually i don't know if billy does uh calvin does and that's cool but even when i was a kid i was like the fuck's all this shit you know

i i don't want to be at disneyland i wanted to be like at a gift shop you know like what's this shit but i i never liked that stuff i never liked any of that stuff why dude what happened to me when i was so little that i just didn't like that shit from jump boy you think about nurture versus nature but also man it seems like it's in my nature to just not be around those places. I remember I went once to Magic Mountain, or no, what's the other one? Great Adventure, Six Flags.

And I was walking around in New Jersey. My friend's dad was, I mean, I must have been eight. And my friends and his dad, it was a bunch of my friends, it was my friend's birthday, his dad took us all to Six Flags, that's how you say that, and I wasn't saying it right for a while, and it pissed me off, and I was walking in Great Adventure, I had my head down for a few minutes, looked up, and I was in a sea of people, and where is everybody? I have no idea.

I have no idea. I am officially lost, okay? I'm eight. I'm like, uh-oh, okay? Dude, what the fuck? If I think about letting my kid, how old am I going to, how old am I going to,

my kid's going to be when I let them do shit like that. Like, dude, they're not doing sleepovers. No way. Are you kidding? Hey, dude, go stay at someone's house that you're friends with and I kind of know their dad. No sleepovers.

Period. Until you're 35. It's like running for president. But so I'm walking with my friends and his dad, and I look up. Nobody I have ever recognized is anywhere I've ever seen, and there's hundreds of people walking around.

And I have this thought where I'm like, oh, this is it. I live alone now. This is it. I'm never going to see anybody I've ever met again. I'm going to have to start a new life. This is all going on in my eight-year-old head. I'm like, I'm so scared. And this is where, this is like those fucking things that my mom watches.

The current affair or the 2020 late at night on Sunday. This is the shit she watches. I'm one of, my mom's going to be watching me on TV in a fucking 60 minutes episode. You know, my story and I'm watching and I look up and I go, oh, no. And I just stand there and I stand there for minutes. Everyone's just whizzing by until finally Sean DeRider came back and said, Chris, there you are. And I was so happy, dude. It was like the time where I got pulled under the undertow, man. I was in Long Beach Island. I got pulled under the undertow and I was like, this is it, dude, man. How about that shit? We have moments in our lives where we just go, oh shit, this is it. I got pulled under the

undercurrent. Dude, my dad, all of a sudden I feel my dad rip me from my arm. And that's actually probably why I have shoulder problems today, which sucks. But hey, he saved my life, dude. And I said, what is that? He said, it's the undertow. That's what happens. I didn't know about it. I learned about it.

But he saved my life that summer. I don't know. Would you like to learn some Chinese? Let's do it. Ni hao. What am I saying? That's Sean Strickland. That's great.

God, props to him for asking that. He's learning Chinese here. Props to him for having a heads up. He could have been saying anything. What am I saying? Hello. Meow. A cat. I feel like I should already start. How do you say work harder child? So when I start my clothing, when I start my clothing company and I open up a couple of sweatshops, how do I, how do I get to the meat and potatoes? No food for you until you finish.

What about something a bit nicer? She's crunched, dude. How the fuck do you deal with that? That's hilarious. Dude, don't interview guys that fight. You're going to get it, dude. You're going to get it. Wow, this guy.

That's hilarious. That is hilarious. Wow, this guy, that's hilarious. That is hilarious. Okay, let's see what she says. Well, I mean. Is that going to get my shirts made faster? Oh, yeah. This guy, dude. He's basically just going to be president someday.

Well, I mean. Am I calling myself a f*** here, helen what's going on would you like to learn some dude i'll uh fighters are hey what's the deal with the fight world being so intertwined with stand-up i guess it's rogan and callan that did that right i know rogan obviously has fighters and does the ufc and does that shit. But Brian had the podcast with Fighter and the Kid and brought Brendan on the show. They decided to do a podcast together. And now just every fighter, like, I can't hear about stand-up comedy without hearing about fighters. It's insane.

What happened? You know? And I'm like, I see the UFC and it's like everyone in the ufc got fucking theo there and you got tony hingecliffe they're all there and shit i'm just like fuck man you're you ain't shit in comedy if you ain't at the ufc you ain't shit in comedy if you don't talk about arm And, uh, and, uh, uh, Komora, Komora. You know, I got all these fighters following me and shit. I follow him back. I don't know.

I don't know. Fucking Ryan Garcia, bringing him on. What's going on? What is happening? Why is it not, uh know chefs that'll be great then at least we could eat fucking good dude if i was going to do one thing if i was going to buy one thing that a rich rich guy would buy it would be a chef why are good home-cooked meals better, so much better than other, than any restaurants, and restaurants, that's their job, dude, that's their job, here's the other thing, I've never had better massages than from like friends, yeah, how about that, dude, oh, go to,

oh, Burke Williamss go fuck yourself dude oh i'm gonna get somebody come over from an app who who is that what do they do hey how how's the pressure can you do a little harder they do a little bit harder it's not hard enough is it good yeah charge it to the game when you got a friend robbing you dude and i don don't even, I don't, I, I don't care, dude. I'll let a dude, I'll let a dude rub me straight up. Not non-sexual. It doesn't matter, dude. I'm so secure. I'll let a dude just do that. Play the piano on my shoulders. That's nice, man. One time I let a dude rub my feet. I don't dude I'm real I'm real you rub my feet dude I let him

rub my feet and it was and honestly it was a little weird but I fucking was like dude nah I can still do it and I I sat there let him rub my feet until until he was finished fuck that's cool man I'm cool until he was finished. Fuck. That's cool, man. I'm cool. Feet. How about Jeremy Renner? Looks fantastic.

You see him on Men's Health? Bro, hey, is getting hit by a fucking tractor trailer, what did he get hit by? Snow? Snowplow? Hey, is that the best thing fucking tractor trailer, what do you get hit by? Snow plow? Hey, is that the best thing that ever happened to you, dude? Hey, you look fantastic, Jeremy Renner. Hey, Jeremy Renner, you're shredded.

Dude, hey, you got hit by a snow plow like three weeks ago, and you look fucking younger. Hey, somebody run me over with a snowplow because here's the here's the deal you either let something like that eat you alive or make you better fuck he's in the goddamn beans again you can be a victim or turn it on its ass and make you better. Jeremy Renner is built like a brick shithouse after getting run over by a snowplow. You saw him? You saw him? He's got metal on the side of his face.

In it, in his face. And he just goes, I guess whenever I go to the airport, I got to do, I got his face, in it, in his face, and he just goes, I guess whenever I go to the airport, I got to do, they got to frisk me, because there's metal in my body, and whenever I go through, it's going to beep, so you're going to have to frisk me, and the dude just looks amazing, bro, and he's 50 or something, and I got, and my shoulder, and it's like my shoulder, dude, and so I'm like 44, but my shoulder hurts. And I go, oh.

Just hit me with a fucking snowplow. Let me hit rock bottom with my physicality. Men's health. I'm going to cover men's health. He looks great. He's great. He's great. He's one of my favorites. As you know that.

If you listen to this podcast, he's one of my favorites. Got it all. Fucking music career. Acting career. Jeep commercials. Just fucking awesome. Lives in like, you know, somewhere like beautiful. Like either like Big Bear or Tahoe or some shit.

Love it. God damn. I need to be more of a man like that. Like beautiful, like either like Big Bear or Tahoe or some shit. Love it. God damn. I need to be more of a man like that. Dude, I saw this great movie yesterday, two days ago. I don't know when. Who cares? It doesn't matter.

I've been dying to see it. It's called In a Violent Nature, and it's about, it's called in a violent nature and it's about it's a movie it's a horror movie that follows this i don't want to say serial killer but i mean he's a he's he's a uh a dead being that comes up because of someone steals his locket from the tree it sounds corny but it's uh so well done dude and i i love that like you can make a bad like all right so here's what the movie's about uh a guy uh was by mistake, 70 years ago, somebody killed this kid. Okay. And the dad went to go confront the people that did it, but a fight broke out and the dad ended up dying. Okay. So then there was like this lore that the next week, everyone in that place was, uh, I'm not spoiling it was um was uh dismembered and killed okay so now this happened 70 years ago so the movie takes place nowadays and there's these people are in this campsite i guess you know and they see this gold locket and they pull it off of this tree

and then that reignites this guy from underground and he gets up and it's apparently the dad seeking vengeance for whoever is around and so he just goes on a killing spree and starts killing everybody that that sounds on its face just like at best fine like it's just a story that you can make up in 10 minutes you know and it's not like the dialogue is amazing it's there's barely dialogue it's this guy you you know you hear everything through this serial killer you're following him you're you're you're it's direct it's like it's directed by Gus Van Sant. The camera's just behind the character, and he keeps walking. And you're following the serial killer. And the dialogue you hear is pretty much overheard.

So it's done in a different way. It's a little bit like Jason. If the movie Jason wasn't about the if the movie jason wasn't about the kids it was more about jason you know uh and and it's a fine story that you i feel like you can make up in an hour not even you can make it up in a half an hour not even 20 minutes not even 10 and um they they made this movie and they made it really, really good, dude. And I'm like, it doesn't matter what it's about. And my wife wasn't watching, but I was watching, and she was like, you know, tootling, cleaning, and doing different shit.

And I was like, man, this movie is just, I say, it's just great. And she says, it is? And I was like, yeah, because i told her what it's about and i was like it's it doesn't you can make anything good you can make any movie good this is why i don't understand that they make like top priced big budget expensive actors uh paid pay writers millions of dollars to make this absolute horse shit hollywood is they make time and time again horrible movies but for them to make some a very simple movie with a simple story with no real moments where it's like, oh, it's just straightforward about a dad trying to get his locket back.

You know? And it's really good. Dude, first of all, the gore is crazy. And I'm not a gore guy. I don't care if something's gory. But the way they did it, I don't even know how they did it. It looks so real. But the way they did it, I don't even know how they did it.

It looks so real. They kill one guy with like a, it's like this drawn out scene with like a log splitter. And they just like, the killer just puts a guy's head on it. And he just cuts his head off. And I'm just like, that's really documented they did that. I don't understand like AI. This wasn't AI. But the fact that special effects can be that good?

Like, it's one thing to have, you know, Cyclops I-beam a spacecraft. Because you don't really know what that looks like, you know? In real life. You don't know. You can't really imagine what that would look like. A Pegasus on fire flying in from Venus. You don't know what that looks like, okay? You know, but you kind of can gather based on all of the other things you've seen in your life what it might be like for somebody's head to get lopped off by a log splitter.

What it might be like for somebody's head to get lopped off by a log splitter. And I'll tell you, dude, I'll be damned. They nailed it. So it's like they can do that. You got to see this movie, dude. I'm watching this shit. No cuts. Like it's my favorite movies are boring.

My favorite movies are boring. And that's a negative connotation because I don't mean actually boring because i'm watching the movie why would i watch something boring but things that take their time and this movie takes its time every shot it takes its time and you're just like why isn't anything moving and it's just amazing yes that's my movie review for in a violent nature i wanted to see it for so long dude i wanted to see for so long i saw the preview like three months ago i can't wait for it to come out sure enough came out on apple bought it for so long I saw the preview like three months ago I kept waiting for it to come out Sure enough it came out on Apple Bought it for 20 bucks It's great It'll be on Shudder soon you know it's on Shudder

But uh I'm just uh I'm happy they make these movies like this I'm happy they're fucking They make good movies sometimes Because they don't they don't they fucking god Hollywood dude These movies suck And this is Hollywood still but at least it's independent or whatever and they make good movies sometimes. Because they don't, they fucking got Hollywood, dude. These movies suck.

And this is Hollywood still, but at least it's independent or whatever. You know, some guy. I do. That's why I'm recording it. I want the world to know. Oh, wow. Trying to prove your wife you're still him.

Amazing. Here we go. Leave you two, so when you say it. It's a bitch. I was trying. No. It went exactly how I thought it was going to go.

That's a pretty high up there deserved scale. Because honestly. It went exactly how I thought it was going to go. He hurt himself a little bit and it's funny but he didn't get too bashed up it started off as a joke my wife don't believe that i can't i can't i do that's why i'm recording it i want the world to believe you too so when you say it well why is he in flip i mean did he did he even try, bro? That's really funny, actually. I'd give that a seven or an eight.

I always rate everything seven or eight, I think. Like that guy. What's his name? The bucktooth guy. Here we go. Here's another one. Bevo. Oh, wow.

Oh, no. That's great. She kicks this bag over and the bag had other plans, dude. She took a nap, dude. Dealt with. Dude, this. Oh, this. Dealt with, dude dealt with dude love it wow that's amazing that's great love it she just got fucking handled here we go here's here here here's one uh fuck

this whole family just in particular including the dog all right dude let's see here we go here we go this is deserve its skill no music we don't need the music uh the kid running up Here we go. This is deserve its skill. No music. We don't need the music. The kid running up. All right. Carrying the kid onto the... Why?

It's not that bad. Oh. Oh, that's hilarious. But who deserved what, though? Oh, man. Ivan. Halfway through, he's like, no, it's not good. The what?

Oh, it's not a deserved. Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, okay. The fucking. Oh, wow. Every family member got hit. Oh, that's amazing. Never mind.

I see it now. The dog, dude. Oh, wow. What? Wow. This is very interesting. It turned into something that I really like. Okay.

Boom. She falls a little bit. Hurts herself. No, gets hit in the face. Dad comes up. Tries to help. Oh, it's okay. Boom.

The other kid gets felled in the head and then the dog oh man you know what that's one of those ones that you had to look at for a while like those 3d fucking uh things that jump out at you that's a good one man fucking i doubted you for a second ivan but that one was good. All right. So when you try to bring down the house, here we go. Anytime someone is up on a table or up on a. Oh, no. Big bad mistake, dude.

Wow. That is. Big bad mistake oh my god dealt with dude that person she got dealt with whatever i don't know if it's a guy or a girl but dude holy shit oh just you know when you're feeling good about yourself you're like i can do it i'll fuck it i can do it and then just rupture your l1 um and then just rupture your L1. Wow. That's tough. I was saying that dealt with shit with my kid the other day with Calvin because he was like,

we're watching these cars get hit, dude. He watches these Griffs Garage things called Gr called griff score do the shit that you'll kids only watch youtube by the way it doesn't matter like remember how they would produce like dope shows as kids and stuff and you'd watch like you'd be like oh it's fucking sunday morning saturday morning cartoons awesome he-man lion oh we get to watch some cool stuff right hannah barbara no dude he wants to watch griff's Garage. All it is is certain automobiles driving down a ramp getting bashed by hammers. Okay? That's what he wants to watch. And I'll tell you something. I watched it, and it's good, bro. And I don't know why, but it's so satisfying when

they get smashed by those hammers. So we're watching Griff Garage, and I just happen to say, like, oh, that car got dealt with. And then my son started saying, like, oh, he's dealt with. And he kept on saying, oh, it got dealt with. Oh, dealt with. And then he said, how dealt with did he get? And then he said, are they all dealt with-ing?

Dude, and I'm just like, nothing is more fun than this moment, man. Yes! Yes! It's beautiful. Listen, thank you guys very much. That's the rest of the episode. That's the episode.

If you want to watch the rest of the episode, go to patreon.com slash chrisdalia. You get all the back episodes, too, if you sign up for the Patreon. I'll see you soon, Australia. And I'll see you all Duluth and Dallas. Go to chrisley.com. Bunch of dates up there. Thanks a lot. I'm out.