Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 392. Check Please!

Episode Date: July 18, 2024

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Dude I am it's weird because I'm in Melbourne right now even though I am not in Melbourne, I'm here before you in my home studio. I am in Melbourne, I'm in Melbourne right now, uh, doing shows tomorrow and Sydney tomorrow and Adelaide and New Zealand. Uh, so go to chrisley.com and then I'm coming back. I'm going to be in San Diego. So almost home sweet home with the San Diego thing. Um, so go to chrisley.com, get the tickets. Dude, my hair is a...

Four, five, you know, look, here's the deal. I shot a few promo things today and I slicked my hair back. Okay, so I slicked my hair back and I was gonna wash it. When I put spray in it, the lovely makeup lady, hair and makeup lady, put my hair back, sprayed it, and then by the time I got out of there and went to a place to get, yes, avocado on bread and also on a sunny-side up egg, which is LA, coming from a promo shoot to then go get that and my hair was poofy and by the time I got there my hair was poofy and that's okay that's okay I really don't like poofy hair

days but um I was gonna wash for for this but it's fine but so now it looks like I have a big forehead and I do have a big forehead uh but that's that's that uh and um okay, let's relax into it. Dude, I've had a crazy up and down few days. And guess what? Just all in my mind. So great. So nothing different happened except for, except for all in my mind happened, okay?

We've got a big move coming up. We have, um, a, uh, what do you call it? Uh, uh, uh, uh, the tour I'm leaving for Australia. I'm looking for Australia tomorrow. Uh, and, uh, which is, I'm here already in Australia if you're listening though, cause we banked this. Hi. And, um, and I'm just all up in my, all up in my mind. Somebody hit me with the email being, Hey hey, your car lease is gonna be up. And I'm like, this is spam. And a day later, I thought about that email

and I was like, wait a minute. And I looked closely at it and it's not spam. It's just the person that I got the car from. And I'm just like, oh yeah, dude, I have to give that car back. And I just was like, who, what business do I have thinking that stuff spam when it's not spam, dude. See, that's the thing that happens once in like 2022, somebody got my email and

it went immediately to, uh, like so many different, uh, some somewhere in like either Russia or Poland or something. And then I just, every morning I wake up, I have about nine, at least nine Polish or Russian emails, just with like weird letters that I don't didn't know. You know, it's not, not, not, not English, not even the letters that English uses. I get those emails now. And so in every time I wake up, I just, I basically just, if you, if you email me in

the middle of the night, I'm never getting it because I wake up and I just clear them all. So if you're going to email me, email me at 3pm. So yeah, so, and, and, and I am, and, and I guess I have to, I get a new car, which that's cool, but whatever, it's's cool, but whatever. It's just a lot of stuff. My, my, my, my, my Billy's just starting to walk. Whatever. Uh, I got my, uh, well, not whatever.

I got my, um, I said, actually, you know what? I'm going to bring him in later. I, um, my wife's going to be on the podcast today. That's why we have this and she is not ready because she needed to, this is what she said to me, go, go in and start. And I will, I just need to get a hair clip. Okay. It's been four and a half minutes.

So, you know, unless you had to 3d print the hair clip, let's get it going. Right. Uh, but we all know that women don't know what time is. So, um, anyway, uh, my son is just all day. I forgot that how much when you're... and this is like... it's almost like there's those hacky jokes about it like, my son plays with the box. I got my son a $200 remote control car. He plays with the box, you know. And Jake Paul sent me his new company, the W, the deodorant and the body spray and all that. It's a new company that he's got.

And he sent me a big box that said like, Crystal Lea on it and had pictures of me. It was really sweet. And, you know, this is, I'm sure friends and family got this, but, and then he sent me, you know, the body wash and the whole thing. It was cool. It was very nice. It made me feel good. It made me feel nice. Uh, and I opened up the box and also t-shirts and a duffel bag with the clothes and the brand on it, so I'm, you know, it's cool. And, uh, and I opened it up with Calvin and Calvin is just like, dude, uh, the, I'll use the deodorant. I'll use the, the body wash.

And, and I'm like, cool. But how cool really do you think something is when you're 44? You think it's pretty cool. At most, you go like this, oh, cool. But when you're a kid, if you were to get, let's use a remote control car. Remember when you found out what a remote control car was? You just go like this. Excuse me?

And OK, so hold on. So there's no driver and it's small? And you're like, well, you drive it. And you say, I drive it. I'm six. And they say, yeah, but you use a handheld thing, and you guide it. And you say, OK. OK. Let's see thing and you guide it and you say, okay,

okay, let's see it, let's see it. Let me just, let me see it. You know, and you're like so excited about it, right? Like I remember the castle of gray skull. I was just so excited. I was going to get it. And as you get older, your expectations temper, your, your mood tempers, your, your, your excitement tempers, because look, let's face it, you've been through some shit, right?

Like at the time you're 44, you've been shit on by a bird, you've been broken up with, you've had your heart broken, right? You've pissed yourself a bunch of times, although Calvin has already passed that. And you know, you've broken a bone, you get it. You get that.

Even though something could be so exciting like getting a remote control car, you know the next year you're still gonna have some downs So anyway, I got this package from Jake Paul and I opened it up and I got the it's got a body spray the wash and then the deodorant Okay, my son Has never I brought it home at noon no before noon it's almost 7 my

son has never stopped opening and closing it and taking out the deodorant and smelling it and putting it back so all that's what he does oh hey Chris look I got a new brand. Got a new brand, here look. I got the body spray, got the wash, and I got the deodorant. He says deodorant. And before deodorant, I don't even know what he was saying.

It was very, very bad, and it was funny. And I was like, I gotta remember that. And then the nanny taught him deodorant. Deodorant, and now it's gone forever. I don't want my kids to, to, to talk. Right. You know, it's like that bittersweet thing. It's like, oh yeah, you're learning, but also, oh man, you're not going to say

oil anymore instead of, instead of earlier oil. That's what Calvin used to say oil for earlier. Um, it's crazy. It takes my wife eight minutes to get a, uh, here it is. Here it is. Here it is. This is the thing. Did you want to show it?

Okay. You don't have to. You don't have to. You don't have to. Let's see what we got though. Okay. Here, look, what do we got in here? You want to tell me?

Okay. So what, what's this? This is the other one and this is soap and this is spray. Yeah? Yeah. Deodorant, soap and spray? Yeah. And what do you do? You put it back in?

Yeah, you go like this. You take it and you smell it. Mmm, yeah. And then you put it back in. Right. And then close it up. And then close it up. There you go. It's like a puzzle right cool dude it's

pretty heavy huh Wow look here you show the camera right there. Right there. There it is. Up there. There you go. There you go. Those are the ingredients.

There you go. Good job. There you go. There it is, buddy. All right. Good. Thank you so much, buddy. Do you want to take it now?

Do you want to take it? Do you want to come up here? Yep. Okay. You want to smell it? Want to let the camera smell it? Let the camera smell it? Let the audience smell it? Let the audience smell it? Let the audience smell it? Let the to take it? Do you want to come up here? Yep. Okay. You want to smell, let the, want to let the camera smell it.

Let the camera smell it. Let the audience smell it at home. Go, what's in there crack? Put the, put, put no. Okay. Okay. So is that it? Okay, cool. Thank you very much. You might want to put that down. It's pretty heavy. Go ahead. Live it up with that. Live it up with the locker. It's too heavy. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. Mom, you might want to, he's just carrying around that thing. He's just carrying around the thing. Like just carrying around that. And it's too heavy. So it's like dragging it around. It's fuck. I do it kids.

They're so funny, man. And I know, I know sometimes on this podcast, I talk too much about, about my kids, but I don't, it's like, I don't, dude, I don't have the right material anymore. You understand? All I have to do is talk about the day. Uh, when I do, when I do stand up, I talk about what happened that day with my kids and it's on.

Hmm. Uh, speaking of which, uh, I have a clip out there now that I put up with, I think it'll be up now, but the new live acting challenge with Brian Callan and then the crowd were video. Are you coming in? All right, cool, she's coming in. That's cool, it's cool. Did you get a hair clip? You didn't get one? You had to braid it, okay. That's why it took a long time. So we get it. It's one of those things that like you have 10 of, but you can never find one when you need it. Right.

Like, uh, um, like what for guy, what is that for guys? Talking to them. Bring that out here. Oh, sorry. You gotta get Chans or he'll cry. Okay. Well, he could do it. All right.

Okay. This is really great. It's going really great. I mean, we filmed this in our house. I know, but I know, but you can just, but I want you to sit in, because it's like people are turning this off because of, you look great.

I am a pro, don't you worry. You look great. Thanks. You know what, I wore this shirt because I thought that, I thought that it was a good shirt to wear, and then I realized, I think that I wore this shirt on another time you were here, and I think that's the reason why I shirt to wear, and then I realized I think that I wore this shirt on another time you were here, and I think that's the reason why I wanted to wear it,

and I think it subconsciously messed me up in my heads. Brains are weird, huh? Hey, you wanna be, brains are weird, right? You're a therapist, you're gonna be a therapist. That's crazy. You don't wanna start me off immediately with some brain talk. Let's talk about some. No, I don't.

Yeah, let's talk some funny stuff first. Okay. The brain stuff will come naturally, because it's talk about some. No, I don't. Yeah, let's talk some funny stuff first. Okay. The brain stuff will come naturally because it's me. So. Right. You'll start talking about your feelings and stuff. Oh, oh yeah. Hey, you.

And I'll make you take, talk about yours. Um, okay. That's good. Sounds good. And we're back. Sorry, I had to take care of some family business. So, um, yeah, you talk about brains a lot. Yeah.

And, and, and you don't need to, but you do, you want to. That's all I can think about, to be honest. So we were watching a show the other day about what's called dark matter, okay? By the way, you finished it, right? Yeah. And did you love it? Loved it.

At the end, it wrapped up really nicely, right? I thought so, I still didn't like the thing. Yep, I get it, I get it. And you said that you were going to give me an argument for it. I was, but I'll do it. Yeah, I don't want to ruin it for everyone, but I'll give you an argument. Best. You should just like it. You should just like it. But anyway, it doesn't matter.

What does matter is we were watching the show and in the show, there's somebody that gives somebody else a certain type of ice cream that they're allergic to it, because they, let's just say forget that they're allergic to it. Goes to the hospital, the wife comes in and is like, you forgot? So what happened, is he okay?

She comes in, is he okay? And he says, yes. And she says, well, what happened? And he says, I just, I forgot, I forgot about the allergy. And she says, yes. And she says, well, what happened? And he says, I just, I forgot, I forgot about the allergy. And she says, you just forgot. Okay, well, okay. You just forgot that, right? Like that's kind of how she does it.

And then they sit down together and we both thought the same thing. Yeah. Okay, why don't you explain what we thought? And then I'll explain what we thought, even though it's the same thing. I thought, wow, this is- He should blame her.

That's what should have happened. He should have blamed her or she should have blamed him, right? She should have blamed him is what I'm saying, right? She should have blamed him. I said, oh wow, that's what a healthy person does in a crisis. They come in and even though someone made a mistake, and in this case, the mistake resulted in someone getting pretty sick. Almost dying.

The wife still wasn't like, what the fuck, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. She was like, okay. And she was just there for her husband and they could deal with the problem together. But that husband was an idiot for doing that. Well, that's, but that was like the least idiot thing that he Okay, okay. So you think that was least anything that he what that he did what? Me yeah talking the microphone

Like this Like that. I'm so sorry. Are you evil? I did not mean to do that. I'm really sorry It's okay. You can keep in that. He's evil. Yeah, I don't sorry. Are you evil? I did not mean to do that. I'm really sorry. It's okay. You can keep in that he's evil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People need to know. But the direction needs to go.

Okay, I'm so sorry. I feel bad. How's your finger? Babe, how's your finger? It's fine. You don't want to give guys ammunition to pop boners off by doing that. Guys are going to do that no matter what. Guys are going to be guys, huh?

Well, if there's a thing, some guy is sexually attracted to it. True. Butterflies in a forest. Well, now you're getting me on. Better guy jacked off to it one time. Okay, well. It's a butterfly.

So. That's something I'd like to talk about. Now I gotta walk home. Well, but what about how, what about how, hold on, before we can talk about, remember that, but we can talk about how you think mistakes just happen like weather. Yeah.

Yeah. Honestly, fuck my mouth. That means I disagree. Hard disagree. Dude, mistakes, she'll be like, hey, it's a mistake. Somebody made a mistake. That's where you're just like, nah. But you think-

Like mistakes are a thing in the ether that just happened. I don't think that. I think that- Okay, okay, okay. We're here. So let's hash it out. I think that we all have brains. Some are really good at some things and some are not so good at others.

And I think that we're generally, if we're good people trying to self-reflect and better ourselves are trying to better those parts of our brain that are not doing so hot. And in my case, because of ADD, I will leave things and forget. I have to go to great lengths to organize and manage my life. Which you're actually good at. But I put systems in place. Put systems in place. Yeah. But if I make a mistake, I don't think that blaming and yelling and getting upset is the way to rectify it.

And then when I make a mistake you don't even really care a lot. Or you care if it's a, you don't care if it's a like whoops I spilled this. No I care if it's like intentional. If I ask you to do the dishes and you say yeah and then you. That's not a mistake though. To me that's just fault. Period. Okay sure.

I said I was gonna do it and I didn't do it. Right, but like for instance the other day you, in fact, here we go, you had a cup of iced coffee on the rug with our kids, mistake number one. Yep. Because obviously, Yeah, no I get it. we have a one year old, and it spilled and I just hear, oh God,

and I was like,'s okay I'll go get a but it was so dumb but who but okay I'm mad at it I'm still mad at me for doing it I actually think I have the solution oh Jesus Christ you should know this because you're an addict okay is the way to correct behavior shaming and yelling at people into oblivion? No, dude. For instance, my therapist said that she didn't stop smoking cigarettes until she was like, she had like a moment with herself that she was like, honey, it's okay, I'm with you, and you're better than this, and we can do it.

So she's two people? She's an insane person. No. I know, I'm kidding. She's great. So, uh, all right, fine. Um, now should we tell everyone what happened with the, with the reason why we brought this up? Like the, the spoon? I mean, that would be the third time that we'd have gone over it. We've gone over it. Right. I don't know. Maybe they'll see that. Really? Why don't you tell a short version of it and I won't interrupt you.

Or do you want me to do it? It seems like a trap. It's a trap. It's a trap. I didn't even realize it. It's a trap for either of us. No matter what happens, we're gonna rehash it. But I think we dealt with it and it's okay.

You can go ahead and explain. It's why I have this tattoo. Cause Billy has a morning spoon that she drinks her coffee and then stirs it, gives him the spoon every morning and is, you know, sometimes the spoon is somewhere we find it inside. Oh yeah, look, this is a spoon and it's cute. We have a balcony. Under that balcony, there's cars.

Okay. So I say, well, hey, make sure that Billy doesn't bring anything out on the balcony that you could throw onto the car and make it dent. Which I have been. Yeah, no, she says yeah. And I get shit happens. Well I'm in charge of making sure that none of the little

cars that he likes to bring aren't out there and I feel like I've been doing a pretty good job managing that. Yeah, well no, I mean there's always cars down there, but. I'm trying my best. That's just gonna happen. That's just gonna happen. Exactly, it's just gonna happen, sweetie. The cars don't make a dent. Oh!

Well, this one made a dent. The cars don't make a dent on the cars because the cars are plastic and they're just hot wheels. Now, silver spoons, on the other hand, when they hit a windshield can actually dent, can actually crease, crack the windshield, right? Crease the crack the windshield, yep. Okay, now did it?

Yes, okay. Now I will say she took care of her spoon already, but this was a spoon from another day that she, that got out some, and I get that happens. We have big chairs and so things go under the chairs. Bragging, we have the biggest chairs in the world. I have never seen bigger chairs. They're so expensive.

Every couple days I look under the chairs and I find like two colored pencils, a spoon, some goldfish. A child. Her long lost brother. Treasure. Yeah, and so anyway, I couldn't think of another thing. I was too late to say that,

what I was gonna clown, Protossian Crusader. Anyway, so you hear, I'm not there. She hears, you hear kink, you go, oh no. But I say, oh no no not my windshields broken I say oh no Chris is going to be stark raving Matt all right so so it happens you steal my own upsetness from me okay because your emotion is so elevated no I'm like fucking what's his name from the from the Avengers that takes that pain from you and you're welcome. Thanos?

I don't know. No, I mean, Thanos could, I don't think it was Thanos. Yeah, Thanos could probably do that, but I was talking more about the red guy, but whatever. It doesn't matter. What I'm saying is, um, so she tells me that it happens later on that day. And, and, and it was very, the way she said it, she says, Hey, just Billy dropped a spoon. I know it's annoying.

I'm sorry. The, the, um, it hit the windshield and there's like a very tiny crack. I go like this. Oh, okay. You can barely notice it. And she says, yeah, it's at the crack. I go like this. Oh, okay. You can barely notice it. And she says, yeah, it's at the bottom. It's all good. Dude, I, I take that.

I take it to the bank. I don't even, I don't even go, I don't even go look, which is crazy for me. I just go, okay, you said what you said. All good. All right. Now I, uh, 30 minutes later I say to you, right? No, the next day. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Before that 30 minutes later, maybe 30 minutes later,

right? 20, whatever. Doesn't matter. I like to be specific. Go ahead. Who cares? Okay. That's a, that's how many. A certain amount of time later I say to her, you know what? I'm making a lot of progress with the way I deal with things. Like you told me that there was a crack on the windshield, and I didn't even really care. Honestly, I'm not mad. I'm really dealing with it great. And my immediate thought was, oh shit,

he is going to absolutely bring this up again. And not only is he going to be as mad as usual, he's going to up it a notch. And guess what folks? Well, hold on, hold on. She was right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not true.

The second you said that, I was like, oh God, I gotta build it. The second I said it, here's how well I know you. The second I said that, the second I said that, I knew that she thought that and I thought, so now I have to be on my double best behavior because I know she's ready for me to absolutely bring the rain down the next time we come up so hopefully it doesn't come up again okay

so she said you know what you don't deserve extra credit for that all good who cares you know keep it to yourself but not in a rude way what yeah I mean a version of that yeah yeah yeah like like yeah and so the next day, a new day, right? As who's that Celine Dion would say or whatever. I'm just on the patio just cause it, just cause I happened by happenstance. In boxers and glasses for all the neighbors to see. You're welcome for that too.

And whoopsie daisy, I looked over. A scratch? Is someone knocking? Yeah, common sense, because it wasn't a scratch. It was, what the fuck? Did somebody put a, did somebody put one of those bullet hole stickers on? Dude, it was, you know what it was?

They shot the unbreakable poster on the fucking, on that windshield, that's what they did, the unbreakable poster. It just, it was this, okay? And I say, I'm shocked because she said a small thing. So, and now, by no means is this a small thing. So, and, and now by no means is this a small crack. I mean, by zero means, nobody. Ray Charles could be a block away and be like, Oh, that big crack in that windshield. Okay. Helen Keller would be in the attic somewhere like, you know what I

mean? This crack is large. So I say that's a little crack? Like I'm so confused. Okay. And he said it in... I said it in that way. Yeah. Okay. So now she looks over the balcony and she sees it and she says, oh no, that's not the crack. And I say, what? And she says, that's not the crack. And I say, okay. She says, that's like a like a cobweb or something else like that. I don't know whatever we were saying. And she said, I had driven the car the day before and I knew that that wasn't there. And she says, wait a minute, uh, oh the crack got much bigger. Yeah. Now that's fine.

That, that, now let me tell you what, a not fault, that's no one's fault. The fact that there was a crack and then it got bigger, that's, you know, you can't, you assume that's gonna happen. But a little piece of you thought she lied. No, I didn't think you lied actually. Well, you cleared up quick, like it must've gotten bigger. Yeah. I didn't think you lied actually. Well you cleared up quick, it must have gotten bigger. I didn't think you lied.

I knew you were telling the truth. So I say like, oh, oh, oh, that got really big. And she looks at me and when she looks at me, I know, congratulations, it's over because it's I can't I've held all I can hold and the levees just like the blood from the the shining in the elevator for the elevator. Here it just like this tea kettle and and I go oh oh well okay well we got to get that fixed then God. Okay. Well, all right. Well, we're going to drive that now.

Okay. We could drive and I, and it's, it's off. It's off. It's off. It's off the rails, dude. And she was right. I did get mad again and, but I didn't get mad at it happening. Hand to God. I got mad because I saw your face and I knew you thought I was mad. Now that's so deep dude that is the inception of madness like we are like so

levels deep and we discovered all this today in couples therapy yeah and we can't get out of it yeah we can't get out of it no I'm not saying we can't get another argument we just can't get out of it. No, I'm not saying we can't get out of that argument. We just can't get out of that intricacy of, dude, it's so insane, man. And then you got upset and then I got more upset. Well, because I was bracing because I've had seven years of the smallest things making you so angry. And I should clarify,

the anger is never directed necessarily at me. I've never yelled. I've never called you a name. No, you're never yelling, but it's like, he's this tornado of emotion. I'm also a guy. You're a woman, so it's different. Like if I come in and I'm like, what the fuck happened here? It's like, it's not the energy that most women have.

So it's like, it seems combative and shit. You also like to drag it on and like continue the conversation. Yeah, I do. And get really specific about it. Which is why we're talking about it now on a podcast. Right. But we did get, we did get for sure past it. It was great in couples therapy and um. Oh my god, I want to tell, I want

to tell them something. So before couples therapy. I probably don't want this. That's fine. You can cut it right? No it's fine. Before couples therapy, Chris gets really nervous. Yeah. And a funny thing that I've noticed is every time that we're about to go to couples therapy, he's like, why am I so anxious this week? It must be because I'm like going to the, he says that every single time. I just realized that today actually.

Because we have couples therapy in like five minutes, but he sat down and he was like cracking his knuckles and like breathing deeply. And so I just put on, I put on a Celtic music relaxation. It's Celtic, Larry Bird isn't playing the fucking mandolin, it's Celtic music. Celtic music and it was of this like fairy castle and it had all these birds flying

and little butterflies flying around and I was, and he like closed his eyes and we're both just kind of deep. I did something that I didn't even want to do. I don't normally breathe through it. I, I, I imagined I was like, all right, let's get sent to the center. So I don't think about that. I don't even think this way, but anyway, go ahead. Yeah.

So, and we're both just waiting for our therapist to get on zoom. And I look and these little butterflies are like floating around. And I was like, imagine. This is unbelievable. Imagine now that you're just one of those butterflies floating around, you don't have to eat or drink or think about anything. It was a little more poignant than that.

You said, butterflies. Yeah, the only thing. Isn't that crazy about a butterfly? Like the only thing they think of. The only thing they have to do is just fly around and be butterflies. Yeah, the only thing. Isn't that crazy about a butterfly? Like the only thing they think of. The only thing they have to do is just fly around and be butterflies. Yeah. And just, yeah, have fun.

Yeah. I was like, imagine you're one of those. And I don't think much of it, because I have my eyes closed and I'm just breathing, and then I look over and just waterworks. Pshhh. Dude, I couldn't, Celtic music, okay, all right, fine. and just water works. Dude, I couldn't, the Celtic music okay, all right, fine.

I don't want to listen to it period, but if you're gonna put it on fine, I can think this is the music, but also I get it, it's music, it's nice a little bit. You're gonna start talking about like the lifespan of a butterfly during that? Dude, I can't. So I started crying. So congratulations, you did that to me. Yeah, and normally I feel like I'm like, oh baby it's okay. And today I was like, Jesus. She laughed at it. I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't, dude. You can't do the both of those things before couples therapy. While I'm anxious, we're going to talk about, uh, uh, uh, you know, the life

of a butterfly and how, how, how, how they don't have any responsibilities. And then I got to start thinking about how like I have responsibilities. No, in no way is my life like a butterfly. I have, I have Calvin, I have Billy, I have you, I have my parents, they're getting older. I have, you know, other problems going on that I never even mentioned on the podcast that nobody fucking knows about. And I'm like, you know about?

And I'm like, okay, we've got to fucking deal with this shit. And then we're at a couple of therapy. I'm like, what should I bring up? We only have an hour. And then so all these things and I'm looking at this fucking goddamn butterfly just flapping its wings around a castle that doesn't exist. And I'm like, well, fuck man.

That would be so don't mince my words that would be so dude don't mince my words here that would be so gorgeous if that would if that was my life in a way right okay instead of oh we're moving, oh, we have this, oh, I have to worry about that, oh, you know, health scare, ah, what is happening, oh, almost hit that guy on the freeway, oh, you know what I mean? And it's like, dude, some jackass butterfly is just.

No, not jackass. Well, whatever, it's only alive for like six days, right? So fuck it, and don't touch him or else they can't ever fly again. It's a raw deal, but I'm just saying. You know what it is? It's butter fantastic. Get out, get out and don't ever come back to this podcast.

You can't say that. You can't say butter fantastic. Jesus Christ. Shame her. Yeah. So that was what our day was. And it was nice. It was, it was good.

It was our couples therapist is like a magician. Because he has a really long twisty mustache and it's, uh, and a top hat and, um, and, and a sparkly cape. Uh, but yeah, I don't, you know, yeah, it's good. He's good. So anyway, that's what happened today and it's fine and we're good. But, uh, you know, you think mistakes just happen like the fucking wind and they don't. There's somebody, somebody's at the root cause of that and we got to figure it out.

Do we? Because at the end of our, at the end of couples therapy that was pretty much the opposite of the conclusion. The guy's always going to lose no matter what because of his dick and balls, right? Because women's got lumps on their chest. Babe, he's a guy. He's a guy. He wasn't the got lumps on their chest. And he's got dicking. He's a guy. He's a guy.

He wasn't the one giving you the advice. And he gets it, dude. He goes like this, well, which was the one with the lumpy chest? Uh, you win. And that's what I know, dude. But he's like, I got this big dicking balls. We can't win.

So. Let's, dear Jesus, please help our couples therapist never see this amen. I love him so, so much. Please don't let never see this amen. I love him so, so much. Please don't let him drop. I highly doubt that we're in his algorithm on YouTube. You never know. You never know.

Um, so anyway, so we already said, I, we didn't want to talk about brains, but you did talk about brains. We've been talking about brains. Well, you asked me. I did. And you were the one that said you wanted to tell the story. Deeply about brains. So who is the lumpy chest now?

No. Hong Kong? No, that's assault, that's assault. So yeah, so then, all right, okay. So I go to Australia tomorrow. Okay. And I am gonna be gone for two weeks, okay. And then you're gonna come meet me there in a week.

That's cool. It'll be cool to have a vacation with no kids, just us. Yeah, I'm renting kids out there, so we're gonna have them with us. You know, it's so- Baby change his diaper? Ridiculous, is like I know that that's, what a ridiculous thing to say.

Still it appealed to me, like I had like a pit in my stomach like oh no we had to take, it's not gonna be like just us. Did the mother thing kick in and be like oh okay I'll take care of it? Kind of yeah. Oh wow dude that's crazy they don't exist those kids. I know. So yeah.

Grandma Kiki's coming. Your mom. To watch the babies, she's gonna be so excited. Billy looks like her. Yeah it's really weird. It's really cute. Calvin looks like my side and then Billy looks like your side whatever and that's all good. But you know did you come prepared or did you want to say something? Yeah I want to talk about the sex industry. Everyone turn this off.

This is what I've been thinking really deeply about. So we have this giant sex industry, right? And obviously women are a part of it in the sense that men are paying women to get sexual favors. Men are paying men to get sexual favors. Men are paying men to get sexual favors. But here's the thing, and this is like when people say that men and women are basically the same and it's just like all a bunch of fooey, women just straight up don't participate in the sex industry in terms of being like the customer.

Women are just like going on Skid Row night after night because they can't stop and like getting guys to like sleep with them. They just don't, but isn't that crazy that there's this huge. That was a good dinner, huh? Yeah, that was a good dinner. Check please.

But you know what I'm saying. Oh yeah, okay honey. Babe, I would think that you would think this is really interesting. Let's have some breakfast. That's how far gone this conversation is. You know what we could do instead? Oh, check please. Let's have a fist fight.

Oh, well, me and you? Yeah. No, no, no. All right, let's go back to what you were saying. So women don't really participate in it, but you're- But it's just this crazy undercover, it's like the drug industry. Obviously both genders freely use cocaine and all the other stuff. Girls do coke off a guy's dick sometimes. Not me, didn't happen to me, I never did it.

But it's happened. It has happened. And women just straight up don't participate. Yeah, no, I know. Isn't that crazy? It is crazy, yes. It is absolutely crazy and it is wild and... Okay, so you have this thing.

What does that say to you about the differences in genders? Women will never understand. So there's a positive from this of like, well, that's good, women don't, they aren't drawn to that. Well if women were drawn to that, if women were drawn to sex like men were drawn to sex, I probably wouldn't be with me. You know what I mean? You'd be with like a Brad Pitt or something. Why? Because of how Brad Pitt looks.

Oh you're saying... It's a visual thing. OnlyFans is a visual thing. Babe, you're so handsome. Thank you, thank you very much. No, but it's just, it's just, I mean, I'm, you know, in the right lighting, I kill, but in the wrong lighting? Oh my God, I'm uglier than the worst person. I love you in the wrong lighting.

I like you when you look- That's a beautiful thing to say. The way that you think you would look bad. I love you in the wrong lighting. I like you when you look- That's a beautiful thing to say. The way that you think you would look bad. I love you in the wrong lighting. I love you even when you think you look bad. Yeah, I just, I think that, okay, fine, that's fine. But sex is so weird. It's so weirdly different between men

as it is in women. I want to know so bad. I just want to be in a male brain for one day. I want to know. No you don't. I just want the insight. I want the insight. It's so baffling to me because there's so many different personalities of men.

Yet when it comes to this one subject, they generally all had the same feeling. Yeah, no, but- It's like generally like, yeah, we want it like way more than girls do. And it's a whole other thing that you guys just don't really understand. No, there are, there are levels to it though. Like I, you know, I remember I had a conversation with one of my buddies and this was God, almost a decade ago. And-

Who? I don't know if I should talk, say it. No, I'll just tell you after David Sullivan So I was talking to him and I said Well, he started me and I said, that's okay. And I said And I said man, it's crazy how much like I Think about sex all the time and not crazy that we

do that and he said yeah and I was like you think about sex all the time and he was like no and I was like you you well so like if you meet a woman, you don't think, uh, of her as like, I look, I know she's a person, but also you're judging her looks. And he was like, uh, nah, not right away. And I was like, I'm sorry. He, he was like, I, yeah, I don't do, I was like, so you don't immediately think I wonder if I'd have sex with that woman when you meet her? And he said, no.

And I was like, I'm sorry? And that was when I realized that, well, first of all, number one, I had a problem. And number two, it's way different from guy to guy. Because I didn't know that. I thought men are just walking around like Garth, what's his name, Halgar, swing, swing. Like with fucking on Wayne's World.

Yeah, is it Halgar? Algar, okay, wow, pretty close, wow. So yeah, I had to not, you know, I had to be like, okay, fuck, all right, I'm different. Yeah, I'm different. I'm different. Yeah, I'm different. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Judging you by your looks. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Judging if you are 7'8". Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Even though you're just a bank teller. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Even though you're just a bank teller. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

My dick will never be in you. Ding, ding, I'm different. Yeah, I'm different. Some would say it's sexist. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. But you're a person. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. But that doesn't enter the equation.

Ding, ding. Babe, I'm gonna cut that little part and put it when I'm a therapist, I'm gonna put it on my homepage. Oh. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Just my name in that clip.

You're fucking up. Over my fucking dead body. You're fucking up my future career. Ha ha ha ha ha. Dude, don't do boop and also my tongue was out and you touched my tongue. So serves you right dude. Karma's a bitch isn't it? Now you got a wet finger. Oh I actually did have something that I prepared. Why don't you talk about something stupid like you have been and I'll go get it. Oh, I have something I did prepare. Unbreak my heart, say you love me again. Uncry these tears.

Wait, you don't like Pilly Braxton? I'll see you later, dude. God, man, it's so crazy how different we are, but then we connect on humor, so that's good. We connect on humor and then you connect on other things too. Like, you know, you're lucky if you have a wife or a girlfriend or a boyfriend or whatever that you connect with sexually. Uh, because a lot of people don't, a lot of people just doink for the

doink of it, you know what I mean? And, uh, you know, that's not good. Scheduled doinking, but sometimes you got to do scheduled doinking to break through the fucking doinking drought. Um, cause there is a doinking drought sometimes where you're just not doinking for a while and you're like, Hey, sweetie, sweetie doll, 4 30 Wednesday. You know, before I got my men's group, let's schedule a doink sesh. And then, you know, either I got my men's group, let's schedule a doink sesh,

and then you know, either do it or don't do it, and then it shakes things up. Okay, she's here with her computer, so this ought to be great and interesting. For me? Yeah, for you. Okay, but you have to talk into the microphone, so, not behind the camera, in the other room.

Okay, so just sit down. I know, I just wanna, cause it's my computer. Yeah, I know. Yeah, but nobody's gonna see what's on it. It's just pictures of me glistening in the sunlight, in the moonlight with the fucking. There's a picture of Day. Oh.

A picture of Day and it's Cal with his little Minecraft pickaxe. Oh, cute. Yeah. Okay, so I, we have a shorthand, a language that we've created over the years. Yes. And- Are you doing that so I won't see it? Yeah.

I just won't look. You don't have to do that. Okay, well still. Okay. I don't want you to cheat. Yeah, I get it. Okay. I'm gonna ask you certain things, like what do I say when this happens?

Oh, okay. What do you do when this happens? Okay. And a lot of them are memes, different things that we've, I have no idea what the origins even are. I saw you cooking something up the other day and it was probably this. Yeah. Okay.

I don't want to play. I don't want to do this. I'm going to ask you some questions. I don't want to do, full, let me, full disclosure, I don't want to do this. And full disclosure, you don't want to do anything, sweetheart. That's not true. The only way that we do stuff is by forcing you. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Okay, question one. Pull up to the sea with my son and missy. Pull up to the sea with my son and missy. Okay. Pull up to the sea with my son and missy. What's that guy in the- Timothy Chalamet? No.

No, Mashallah Ali or whatever the fuck. Mahershala Ali, pulled up to the scene with Mahershala Ali. All right. Okay, what? Timothee Chalamet, Timothee Sportulaire. Go ahead. What do I say when someone asks for the time? No, I hate this, that you do this. You go, I don't even wanna say it. You go, time to get a watch.

Oh, like that. I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I hate this that you do this. You go, I don't even wanna say it. You go, time to get a watch. Oh, like you're the audience too. Yeah. I hate that. Okay. What do we do anytime one of us says

that we're not gonna do something, but we're definitely gonna do it later? Well, that's a very easy one. We go like this. Yeah. Like the meme with the... Is the black guy. Who's that guy?

The black guy. Racist, racist. Who's that guy? I couldn't see what you did. Who's that guy who does that meme? Consequence? No. Conceited.

Conceited. Right, right, right, right. Okay. Conceited. Um, what do we do when we say something dumb, but we act like what we said was something smart? I actually don't know what this means. What the fuck?

What do we do that's- What do we do when we say something dumb, but we act like what we said is something smart? Is it this, like something like this? Yeah. Oh, really? Okay, good, good, good, got it. Except I- That's a meme, yeah, so they're all memes. Is it this, like something like this? Yeah. Oh really? Okay, good, good, good, got it. Except I-

That's a meme, yeah, so they're all memes. Yep, this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I wrote, if he robbed the head. So, that's why I was confused. You spelled something wrong, probably. Right, okay. What do I say when someone sneezes?

No, this is the worst one. You're gonna say that about every single one. No, but this is the worst one. Okay. You go, you say, oh Lord Jesus, there is the worst. You're gonna say that about every single one. No, but this is the worst one. Okay. You go, you say, oh Lord Jesus, there's a fire. No, wrong one. Oh, what is it? When someone sneezes.

Oh, get the devil out of you or whatever. Get the devil out of you, boy. That's not the worst one. The worst one is the Lord Jesus, there's a fire one. Yeah, when I say something is super hot. That's what that is? Yeah. Oh, I hate that one.

Yeah, oh Lord Jesus, there's a fire. No, don't do it. Because she doesn't say anything like that, but it's just migrated. What does she say? It's evolved into this. What's it from? Oh, Lord Jesus, there's a fire. It's this woman that was-

We did it in exactly the same fucking way. It was this woman that was getting interviewed and some thing happened, event, and there was a fire involved and she was telling the reporter what happened. Gotcha. Okay. Um, what we do when someone around us does something wild or gross? Wild or gross. Oh, um, what do we do when something, when someone says something outrageous?

Yeah. Uh, oh, this like this. Yeah. Okay. Good. That was good. Um, we should put the meme up in the middle. What was it? like this? Yeah. Okay, good. We should put the meme up in the middle. Oh yeah, yeah, okay. What you say? Why is this like Steve Harvey wrote these? What you say anyway? What you say, you ant? Oh, I have a little mustache. Should I get one? No, never. The answer to that in any situation is never.

I just happen to have one on hand for a craft. What you say anytime the house is a mess and you come inside, like you come from work. What you say. What you say when the house is a mess. I say, this is great. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What you say anytime I talk about my financial contributions

to our family. I know for sure. I say that you made $800 in 2018. Yeah, you said, well, you did make $800 in 2018. Yeah, yeah, that's great. You did a face and a whole board and like wrote something for a menu. Yep. Yep.

Other than that, you're in the negative. The name I give whenever we talk about something vulnerable and then to ease the tension, you say, what's your name again? Right. And then what name do I always give? Cynthia. Yeah. Yeah.

It's just fucking weird, dude. Cynthia, dude. The first time she said that, I fell out of my chair. And now it's always been Cynthia, dude. Synthy, dude. The first time she did that, I fell out of my chair. And now it's always been synthy. Synthy. Yeah, for years. The word or noise that we make if we say something awkward or weird.

Is it like the? Ah. It's, ah. Oh, oh, it like the, ah. It's, oh, oh, oh, ha ha. That one? Yeah. Yeah, okay, okay, okay. What you say anytime. What you say, the survey says.

What do you, oh, right, right, right, right. What do you say? Why is she dropping out the do part? Well, because. Fuck do. Well, I'm just like in conversation with. What do you say? Why is she dropping out the do part? Fuck do. Well, I'm just like in conversation with you. So it's like. What are you saying? Okay.

It's like what you say when. I know, I'm joking. I'm making a joke because I love to bring up Steve Harvey whenever I can. What do you say anytime I compliment your butt? You say I? Well, sweetie, I? I work out? No.

I have a dump truck? Yep. Oh, okay, cool. Well, sweetie, I have a dump truck. Or sometimes I say I got a shitter on me. Thankfully, you don't say that one as much. My shitter's crazy. But anyway.

The weekly texts you send me about our kids. Well, it has to be something good, like how lucky we are or how much I love them. Yeah. Yeah, or I'm crying by myself in the car because I'm thinking about them. Yeah. And Butterfly music came on.

Yeah. And Celtic music came on, as she said. Celtic. Celtic. What do you say when someone starts coughing on their food? The immediate thing you say. Die. Yeah.

That will always be my favorite joke that you do. Die. Yeah. That will always be my favorite. I thought about the other day. Joke that you do. You love that. I thought about the other day how much you love that. And it made me laugh how much you love that. Die, die, die, die, die. Dude, cause you always, you, I was thinking the,

the reason why I even thought about this is because you love death. You love like. No, I like contrast. It's the opposite of the reaction. I understand, but no, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I have to do things or I'll die. You know what I mean? It's like. I do talk about death a lot, yeah.

I do think about it quite a bit. Also the whole plan, you had to kill me, poison, poison me. Had to poison me through the air vent. You know and just drop the drops in my mouth when I was sleeping like the fucking movie with John Cusack. I wonder how I would kill you. We've talked about this before on the podcast. Alarming.

What? Alarming. What is? Like how I would kill you if I was gonna kill you. In fact, we just on the podcast, alarming. What? Alarming. What? What is? Like how I would kill you if I was going to kill you. In fact, we just signed our will. So now, if I'm going to do it. Well, no, now you'll get caught. Today's the day.

Now you'll get caught immediately. Yeah. Well, I didn't even know that I wasn't it before, so. I kept it for a while. I just wanted my money even in death. Wow. I wanted it to be, honestly, I wanted to be in my casket, bury me with my money even in death. I wanted it to be, honestly, I wanted it to be in my casket. Bury me with my money.

Put me in my car, put me in my car, put that car in another car that I have, put underground. In my house so I haunt whoever lives there next. Wow. All right, the last one. Just the last one. What you say when any of the dogs bark for too long? All right, the last one. Oh, there's another one? Good. Just the last one. Yay. What you say when any of the dogs bark for too long?

What we need to do immediately. Oh, we need to put them down. Yeah. But mostly just Chenzo. We need to put him down. No. Good job. I think you got 100%.

I might have missed one. Yeah, like 92%. Also, you led me into that last one that wasn't cool. You shouldn't have done that. The dump truck one? Yeah, that one too, and the dog one. Ah, well, babe. It's fine.

I like helping. Yeah, you do like helping. And you like scheming. Scheming and helping? It takes all kinds. All right, guys, thanks a lot. Appreciate you. Anything? Nothing, thanks a lot. Appreciate you.

Anything? Nothing, I'm reading the Throne of, or the... Actually, yeah, let's talk about... Throne of Glass series, if anyone wants to read with me. I'm not doing the book club for it though. Yeah, I wanted to talk about it. You're not doing the book club anymore because... No, not anymore, it's just at the moment.

At the moment. Because we're moving. But also... And I'm in school again. But also, you did say the thing about how it a little bit takes some of the pleasure out of reading it because you feel like you have to. Well, just having like a schedule is kind of a bummer.

So I need to figure out how to order it in a way that like everybody can read organically and choose to participate if they want to or not and how it doesn't take any of the joy like, oh, I have to write a thing about it. All right. Well, I'll figure it out. Yeah, dude, because it's, yep, exactly.

Appreciate you guys listening. Thanks a lot and catch you on the flip side. And I love you. I love you too. You have to make it like that at the end.