Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 393. Get Him Out

Episode Date: July 25, 2024

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Benefits vary by card, other conditions apply. Dude, welcome. Dudes and chicks. No, I should say men and women, males and females. Welcome to the new episode of Congratulations. I leave the country for 13 days. 13 days I leave. I leave the 13, I leave the country for 13. I leave the 13.

I already messed it up real bad. Listen, I am so jet lagged. I just landed. I just landed from New Zealand and I was in Australia. I was in Perth. I was in Adelaide, Brisbane Melbourne, Sydney and Then I went to Auckland, New Zealand. Now, let me tell you something dude. I was there for 13 days. When I left, everything was not fine, and then it got way worse.

Okay? Look, the president, the former president got studded up. The former president got almost his wig pushed back, dude. And that's crazy. Okay. We don't condone violence here at the congratulations podcast. Uh, and then the president, the sitting president, even though he's a hologram and isn't actually the president because Donald Trump is still the president because it's a hologram that

Joe Biden is a hologram or someone in a mask, he dropped out. And I'm just like, what? Dude, my commentary on that is just like, what? Come on, dude. So now I'm like, okay. So the sitting president who's not even the president because it's a hologram or somebody with the mask on is not going to be doing the presidency. And then this former president got studied up.

I mean, the guy got shot, the guy got shot, dude. That's crazy. Uh, and you know, now here I am. Johnny comes lately. Johnny comes late to the news, but it's like, I can't now I'm like the kind of guy who like I'm too late because I banked all these episodes and you're going to go shoot the former president and have the guy drop out.

The president drop out and now I got to do something and I got to talk about stuff that's a current and it's like that happened two weeks ago. So I'm just like, world, will you wait up for me, dude? The boy goes to Australia and then the boy goes to New Zealand and then. Oh, hell breaks loose. Uh, but we have nobody seen Joe Biden in like 10 days. So now he's definitely. I don't know, man, we, we don't know what's going on, but I don't want to get too political, but it's crazy. We do not condone violence. We think violence is crazy bad.

Uh, it's basically like racism. It's just so bad. Um, and slavery and violence is right up there with slavery and racism and you know biochemical warfare it's all bad and we shouldn't do it don't be shooting them don't be shooting presidents dude but I will tell you this much I am you know the guy who did it the Tim Anthony Michael Crooks or whatever his name is He he Michael Taylor Johnson, what the fuck is his name? I don't know. He could he look more like a hey, it's that guy

You know before he went. Oh, that's the guy you got to watch out for oh, no, but look at his face I had the hair length the color of his skin, that is white, that is pasty white, is translucent. The mouth is too small for his face. That guy's obviously a guy that's going to shoot the present. So let's go ahead and wrap him up there. Oh, he's climbing up the building. Let's get him down. Hey, he just brought a ladder to a convention.

Get him out of here. What are you bringing, AK and a ladder? Get him out of here. Is his mouth too small? Get him out. Is his hair too weird? Get him out. Is he translucent? Get him out. Hey, he was climbing up the ladder. Can't see him because he's translucent? Get him out. Dude, hey, two things you should go to jail for if you buy them. An AK-47 and a ladder together. You're only doing bad things with them, okay? Listen dude, get them out. So they studded him up instead of him studding the president up.

So they split his wig, they pushed his wig back instead of him pushing the president's wig back. So it's like, you know. So now he's in hell because that's where people who shoot people go to And he's doing all of his stuff burning up, you know building walls and digging, you know, whatever he's doing for Satan and It's like these people need to think dude. You're gonna go to hell Don't turn this you presidents are to go to hell, man. Some of them just trying to absolutely fuck his small mouth with their red demon penis, dude. And it's bad. It's bad.

It's bad all around, except for the demon. Um, but yeah, the whole country is, you know, it's not, it doesn't get any better. You know, I've risked, I talk about this a little bit in my act, but I risked myself, you know, I'm 44. I risked a little bit in my act, but I risk myself, you know, I'm 44, I risk sounding like the old guy who's just like, ah, this, everything's going to shit. You know, our country's, you know, losing its mind, because that's what everybody says about the new generation coming into the world. That's just like, oh, they're ruining it. And we're all still here. We're all still chilling.

And yeah, is stress level high? Is anxiety high? Am I watching Gutfeld? Yeah, but it's just like, you know, it gets wild. And still, you think about it day to day. And as long as you don't have to go to the grocery store, because groceries are so, so, so expensive, you go like this.

I guess I'll just chill and see what happens you really do dude yes it sucks some people can't pay for the medical bills or whatever it's hard to get you know a house but when you really come down to the day and day the day to date of it the day the day the day today of it. I don't know. I guess what I'm trying to say is. We're all I'm a nihilist. We're fucked. And it's crazy that they tried to shoot Trump.

It is crazy they tried to shoot Trump. And what is even crazier is that there are people saying it was staged dude. There are smart people in my life Saying Well, you know, it's staged Excuse me for sounding like an Indian chief, but how Hey how are sounding like an Indian chief but how hey how okay how is it staged okay what who what's staged hey either the Democrats tried to do it okay that's wild it's a wild accusation or Trump it up. This is what a lot of Democrats are saying. Trump set it up so he would have sympathy. Good. 130 yards out. Try to sh- hey, 130 yards- here's

the thing I want to gain sympathy for myself. 130 yards out. Shoot my right ear. Hey, hey, dude. The translucent small mouth guy. Hey, hey, hey, I need somebody to shoot my right ear 130 yards out. Find a translucent guy with a mullet and a mouth that's too small. Can you? Yes. Does he have a ladder? No, but he can get a mouth that's too small. Kenya? Yes. Does he have a ladder? No, but he can get one. Let's do it.

Da da da da da da da da da da da. Pop pop pop pop. I mean, dude, or completely missed and then goes down, wipe and catch up on his hand. Gets up. I think his crazy Trump went black power right after that. Um, what if after that he did the Nazi one that could you bro? I wonder how many people after that happened. Just go this, okay, I'm going to vote for Trump. I just, it's so I don't, it, this is, you know, this is a political,

I'm really politically minded these days. You know, I really have an agenda to push. My agenda is don't vote. And, uh, everyone's lying anyway. But anyway, I'm just like, okay. So now, so now you know, you know, one thing I knew was going to happen after Trump got hit with that, with the, with the, with the, with the bullet and had the little pampers on his ear.

I knew everyone was people are going to be wearing that to the conventions now. I would. If I was going to that convention, I'd be having two pampers on my ears, like that. I'd be looking like Princess Leia, Princess Hurt Leia. And, um... Oh, there we go. Uh, it's a wild time to be alive, dude. It's a wild time to be alive.

San Diego, I'll be in San Diego, uh, next... this weekend. The 26th, 27th of the Laugh Factory. Memphis, Tennessee, August 10th. Dallas, August 16th. Wichita, then we're to Wichita, Kansas. Uh, August 17th. Oxnard, California, got some dates, McAllen, Texas and Beaumont, Texas. And then we have a bunch of different ones. So go to chrislea.com to get tickets, Thunder Bay, Ontario,

some place called Sudbury for some reason. What is it? Sudbury? Yeah. Fake place, we're going. And Sioux Falls. Been there before. Let's do it, dude. I would never lie about where I'm going to. So a bunch of things happen. Right. And that's a bunch of the also I was how about this? I was in Australia, dude.

And I stand by this 100 percent. First of all, Australia is like, you go to sleep and dream of America. And that's the end of it. There's things that are a little different. Like you drive on the other side of the road and Burger King is called Hungry Jacks. Trademark was taken. Just don't have it in Australia, you know, Hungry Jacks, dude. Um, but they, they, it's called Hungry Jacks.

The guy was like, yeah, because the trademark, they had the trademark, so they couldn't do it. So they just called it Hungry Jacks. Oh yeah. Yeah. And then I went to New Zealand and they had burger King. So only in Australia do they not have working looks just like Burger King, but it's called hungry Jax dude.

Burger King is the shit that the net name. They really nailed it with that name. Burger King and hungry Jax is very bad. You know, why couldn't they just do, you know, beef King or something or like cheeseburger King shit. That's better than hungry Jacks. But anyway, um, I don't, uh, I had, so we did shows in first one was Perth. Perth is too far from anything.

is too far from anything. Da da da da da da da da da da. Yay, welcome to the game show, Too Far From Anything, where the answer is always Perth. Yes, ding, you win. Ding ding ding ding. Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da. Dude, Perth is so far from everywhere. It's so far from even Australia.

Yes, it's on the left side, the west side of Australia. It's a city in Australia called Perth that's not around other cities. And it takes four hours to get there from any other place in Australia. So here's the deal, if you're gonna do an Australian tour, which you won't because you're just a person, you're not a touring comedian or a rock star, okay? Listening to this, don't travel from America straight to Perth. It is 31 hours. Bro, the first, I didn't know it was, okay. The first flight was 12 hours. Now I've done it before. I had a whole bit on it and the comedians world Netflix go watch it. Okay.

I had done it before. I'm good. Now I don't take medications. You know this about me. I take my Prozac. You know I take medication. I take my Prozac and I take my Finasteride because somebody tricked me into taking it once. I don't know, but now my hair's still here so I just keep taking it, right? That's basically Propecia, but I take it just in case.

My hair's fine, but we'll see, right? Now I can't stop taking it because they say, you know, they say that whole thing about Propecia, they're like, well, yeah, but you can't stop taking it. You stop taking it, then all your hair falls out. And it probably doesn't, okay? And if I do go bald, I'm not getting hair surgery. So that's it, that's it.

When I go bald, that's it, that's it. It's over. Maybe I'll cut, you know, take pubes off and maybe I can like, just kind of like hot glue them on my head. Just different hair in the front, you know, and, um, just long flowing in the back and different in the front. Hey, she deleted lately. Yeah. I just get different hair in the front. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. It smells like a car. Um, so what was I talking about? Wow. I have no idea. Uh, I was in Perth. Uh, oh yeah.

I took the first flight. I took it. Oh shit. He went to Xanny Island. He didn't mean to, but he, but he had it. So he did it. And he's like, you know what? I'm not going to stay up. I'm going to fly at 10 p.m. And they say, like, you know, you get up in the air and I'm already pretty tired. Like, would you like dinner? And I was like, can you can I actually hold it for a bit? They're like, well, this is dinner time. I was like, I just give it to me, man.

I'll eat it real quick. And I ate it. Then I took Zanny, dude. Not sleeping well. Wake up every three, every, every little bit. Oh, I'm not sleeping well. I'm not sleeping well. I'm I wait, then I wake up, wake up. He slept for eight fricking hours, dude.

Had no idea, dude. I had no idea. And then I woke up and I watched. Converse is Godzilla, dude. What a day. You know what I mean? And then I woke up and I watched Kong vs Godzilla, dude! What a day, you know what I mean? Wake up bright and early, watch Kong vs Godzilla, sucks donkey balls! Dude, hey, the Kong vs Godzilla shit is so bad, they're in the middle of earth. Um, kind of, kind of, kind of cool, but no, dude,

you're not going to get me with that. Okay. Now I watched it. It's a great movie to watch on the plane. Okay. Landed 12 hours. Now I'm in Auckland, which sounds like it's the last part. It sounds like there needs to be another letter in the front of that city, by the

way, it should be called like, you know, Saucland or something, or Gaughland or Caughland, Faulkland. And, uh, so then they, then my, uh, I, they say, did I meet up with the tour manager? No. Then they say, uh, all right, you got a, uh, seven, you gotta, you gotta get on, you gotta go to Perth now from Auckland. Now I know Perth is on the West side of Australia because I'm knowledgeable. I know geography.

I know it very well. All right. But I don't know how long Perth is from Auckland. I asked the flight attendant when I board the next plane. Seven and a half Frankenhours, dude. The flight's too long. Can we catch up with someone who goes on a flight that's too long? He goes to New Zealand. He goes from New Zealand. He goes from Los Angeles to New Zealand and then he goes all the way to Perth. Now what he doesn't know is, it's 12 and a half hours and then it's 7 and a half hours. Dude, with a 5 hour layover!

5 hour layover. Let's just do the math. Let's see. Let's just do the math. Let's see. Let's just do the math. 12 and a half. Five hours. Okay, that's seven and a half. So seven and a half. And then another half. So that's 18 plus seven. Okay, so. But he started on a travel day. He starts going three hours early to the airport because he's going to go to Tom Bradley.

So, hmm, so I said three hours. So, hmm, so it's 28. So then three hours to get home after that. Hmm. So about over 30 hours he traveled, dude. And I'm just like, so the flight to Perth, dude, from Auckland. First of all, I flew first class, okay, obviously, because, you know, okay. When I went to Auckland it was a lay down bed.

Dude they don't even fuck around. You don't even hit the button and have the thing go back. They go, let me know when you want us to make a bid. Yeah. When you're going to go to bid, let us know. We'll come make it. And I'm like. OK. Bring the dinner home, bring the dinner, house it down, stand up. Hey, boo boo.

Hello. Hey, how's it going? Can you do my bed thing? Sure, why don't you get up for a second? I get up, go to the bathroom, come back. It's like they brought out a lamp. Dude, it's like... wild. They unfold a mat.

Where do they keep it? Where is it? Where do they keep it? They bring out a mattress, dude. It's laid on your seat flat. Two pillows, dude. I go, oh. Zanny Island, sleep rate. And then, dude, and then I get, bro, it was awesome, alright?

Wake up fresh. Needed to brush my teeth. They had it for me. I go, yo, I'm living the life, man. So land, then get the birth. Then they sat me on a shitty plane for seven and a half hours. And I had to sit up and I watched this movie called Tar. You seen it? Oh dude. Now let me tell you something, man.

Cate Blanchett, all right, or whatever you want to say. If you're if you're a dick, you if you're a cock, you could say Cate Blanchett. But we say Cate Blanchett here at Congratulations. I watch this movie, Tar, because this is a movie that I go like this. And it's a plane movie. You know, it's a plane movie. You know, play movies. You turn it on. You go like this.

This is the best thing about this movie. I could turn it off whenever I want and turn on something else whenever I want. Because it's the plane. So I turn it on and I am immediately arrested by Kate Blanchett's freaking performance. Dude, she plays a conductor. Now, here's the thing. Boring movies, to me, are the best movies, period.

There are no better movies than boring movies, okay? None, none, none. Dude, my favorite director is, my favorite, my, my, I always say my favorite director is David Lynch but my favorite director is John Cassavetes. Why you know what you watch David Lynch movies some of his shit is real boring. If you watch John Cassavetes movies they're so boring they're my favorite movies I've ever seen I love them so much I can't even believe them okay. Now you watch some movies, they're boring as shit. Now, you watch them... I'd argue you say Cate Blanchett, she's kind of a boring actress, and that's fine, dude.

You know who's a real boring actor? Tom Hanks. He's awesome. You ever see him in Sully? He literally plays a boring guy, and you're just like, this is amazing. Okay? Hey, the movie Sully... sucks, and it's great. All right? right it's so boring it's about a guy who landed a plane so what all right so I'm watching Tar oh a movie about a conductor and Cate Blanchett hey dude I can't even name a movie Cate Blanchett's in and guess what seen all of them you I'm saying? She's one of those actors, okay? So I watched the movie,

Tar, it's about a fucking, dude, it's about a conductor, and it's boring, and it's two and a half hours, so I go like this, oh, there were two hours and 38 minutes left on the flight, the Tar is two hours and 39 minutes, I go, let's do it, let's do it. Let's fucking do it.

And the movie's about me too. So it's going to trigger me. Let's do it. So I watched the movie, dude. Cate Blanchett is so good in that movie and she was nominated. She maybe should have won, but dude, she's a conductor in that movie. And she's so boring and she talks about boring shit and the movie is so boring. I loved it, dude.

Whoa. Dude, she's talking about conducting like how I talk about either stand up or making love with my wife. It's great, dude. She's doing stuff like, you know, cause when you got the right hand does the motion and then the da da da da da da da da, dude, I'm just like Cate Blanchett.

What can I say? And she put a lesbian and she was so hot but it's all good dude anyway I landed in Perth Perth show was freaking amazing Perth might have been the one I go I got on stage of Perth I like just the one to beat sold out at Perth did it then we did Brisbane did two shows from Brisbane did Adelaide Adelaide was Man, hey, I know some people listen to the podcast from Adelaide. Hey guys, what are you? Guy came up to me at the meet-and-greet with one eye Then it wasn't even like his other eye fell out. It was like Nah, God just decided not to make it You know Some guy and another guy in Adelaide came up and he was like,

dude, I'm such a big fan. Thank you so much. Thank you for coming to Adelaide. Can't believe you gave me an Adelaide. Then he left. Then he came back and he said, my brother made you this box and handed me a wooden box. And I said, oh really? And he said, yep. He wanted you to have it. I said, okay, cool. And I opened it up and there was nothing in there and it was just a wooden box. I said, your brother makes stuff? He says, no, sort of got it. He said, oh, okay, thanks. So that's the thing. I was so jet-lagged.

I forgot my act on stage. I had to look it up on YouTube. They were with me. It was funny. We were laughing. So yeah. Um, so yeah, so I was in Australia and New Zealand. New Zealand is, I was at a casino. I won like a thousand bucks at New Zealand. And I was like, Oh hell yeah, cool.

I left and I went to exchange it. It was like 500, you know. So, God, casinos really bring out the weirdest people and then also Asians. You know? Like, for every 25 Asians in a casino, there's somebody with one arm. And they're using that one to... Dude, what is, uh, I just, my wife joined me halfway through.

She joined me in Melbourne, Mel, Mel, you're supposed to say Melbourne, but that's, there's an R in it, you know? Uh, and everyone would kept talking about, I, when you get, when you get there, it's so cold. Everyone was saying it's so cold. It was just straight up not cold. So figure that out. Shout out to Ali, the tour manager out there that hooked me all up with everything. Absolutely awesome. Shout out to Nikola who took me to his restaurants.

He came to the show and it was awesome. Shout out to the sushi mango guys who came out to the show. Those guys are nice as shit and very funny and big big big in Australia. These guys are huge in Australia Paisano, you know, they're uh, they're uh australian italians and they uh, they play these arenas over in australia Uh, they sell like 45 000 tickets Like a weekend. It's insane. They're insane.

They're great. And they couldn't, it couldn't happen to nicer guys. And they're like, they're cool. Shout out to Cody Smith McPhee who came out to the show, a buddy of mine. Um, is Oscar nominated, lost to the deaf guy, go figure. You know how it goes. And, um, whatever that year was. And then, uh, well, who else?

It was just fun, man. My tour manager, bro, he wore so much cologne and he's also Iranian. So I'm like, okay, of course he wears so much cologne because Iranians just can't stop with the cologne, you know? Like one pump is 10 pumps. Like, hey, you know what an Iranian has never done? This.

Like, hey, you know what an Iranian has never done? This. If one Persian saw an Iranian do that or vice versa, they go like this, what are you doing? Why not more? Why not more? This is my impression of an Iranian or a Persian watching a Persian Iranian whatever. And then here's my impression. Why not more? Hey look, here's my impression of a person here my person first fuck this the other one why Why not more?

Dude, I can't believe... So so okay, so here's the deal, dude. So whatever. So here's... Let me just tell you guys, okay? People in the Middle East who... Douse with cologne, all right? And for some reason, it's a Middle Eastern thing.

I don't... I don't know why I don't know why it's a thing in the Middle East where you go like this with with with Fahrenheit and then you get some Hugo Bossen you like the porn is when the guys are real disrespectful with the mouth and And What is that in the porn when the guys are doing get when she's when she's you know given the BJs and the guys just like Yeah, yeah, and then they stick their hand in them. It's like what do you do, bro? Come on? No, no

A chicken. And so, I don't know what it is, but dude, my tour manager shows up and his smell shows up fucking 90 minutes before because he's got so much perfume. Oh, he would call it perfume. And I had already, dude, I was such a dick. Look, I love the guy. I love the guy. He's actually one of my friends now.

So this was so funny though, dude. So he's so funny. So we, I get to the airport going to Australia, New Zealand first, New Zealand and then Australia, per third. And the guy behind the counter is like, hey, you don't have your visa yet.

And I go, I almost, I almost, you know how like when somebody says something and you realize that like something's going to maybe be majorly fucked, right? You know what I'm saying? There's a part of me when I sense that is about to happen, I just want to go like this. I give up. I'm going home. And just cancel everything. You know what I'm saying? Like I almost thought like, ah, I just won't do the whole Australian tour. Fuck it.

I'm going to go home. Right? So I get there, the guy at the gate, the, you know, check in. He says, you don't have the ID. Don't, don't, don't have the, uh, the visa, the work visa, whatever the fuck. He says, you have your New Zealand one. You don't have the Australian one. So I call Ali. I've never talked to him before and say, buddy, I don't have the thing, but

I don't know what's going on. He starts talking. He's got this Australian Iranian accent that I can't understand. And I'm like, I think I'll just cancel the whole tour. I'll go home. Sorry. Thousands of people. And they're like, they explained I could do a temporary one, but when I get there,

the other one has to come through. So I got to download this app. I got to fill something out. I haven't filled anything out since I was like 16. And then I go on the plane. I get there. I don't almost miss the flight, but I'm there way later than I want to be.

I like to get there like nine hours early. I land and I get through everything customs. I get to the last thing where they got to check the bag and they say, give me your passport and let me see the phone and then let me see all the stuff in your bags. They check my bags, they got the dog sniffing in it. They take my phone, they take my passport, they leave

and I'm just in my only, my clothes and just waiting. They have my shit for 25 minutes and I'm just like this with no phone just in Australia just I hope my wife doesn't text me what and by the way what if she does hey sorry we're in Australia checking Husband's phone, chill. You chill, mate. You. And so they come back and they're like, well, you know, your visa just came through a few hours ago and if it didn't, you know, we would have had to turn you back and I go, what? He says, yeah, he says, so I suggest you try to get this all done a lot earlier, a lot earlier next time.

And I go, Ali, dude. So I was a bit shitty to not, I wasn't shitty, but my wife, if she was next to me hearing my phone call, she would be like, you're fucking being shitty. So I'm like that, like a woman would be like, what are you doing? But a guy would be like, let him figure it out. You know? And so, uh, but in my head, while I'm even doing that argument on the phone, I'm thinking like, okay, I'll be with this guy for two weeks. He'll know I'm a nice guy.

I'm going to make it up to him, but I got to get this fucking rage out, dude. I get there and I, you know, he's got the cologne on and then the next day he's got the cologne on and we got to take a flight the next day too. And on the plane he ch ch ch ch ch ch and we're like in an enclosed tube. So I get out of the plane and I just fire. I'm like, this is how I got to do. I got to fuck. I got to do this. This is how I really, this is how I find out if we're gonna be friends or not me or me and Ollie I say what'd you do jump in a vat of cologne he says oh what and I say you what the fuck did you drink it he's like well a lot I only did like three

sprays on the plane and I'm like bro yeah no this is too much and then he starts smiling and then we get in the car and I was like, yo, you got to go on the top. You got to go on the roof. Tie him to the roof. And where he's laughing. And from then on, dude, we had a good time and, and it was cool. And then he didn't even use cologne the whole time. And then I felt bad kind of, but, uh, it was funny.

He was so nice, dude. I had such a good time with him. One cool dude. And then he came, then he was awesome. All the stuff killed. I said, you know, there was one joke where, where I said Tide, one of the things is Tide, where I say Tide, the company that's detergent, you know, and it gets a laugh in America and it wasn't really getting a laugh in Australia.

And I realized that I don't think tide is all that big in Australia. And I didn't change it because I'm raw dude. And what you see is what you get, man. I didn't change it at all. So, um, that was it. And I flew back and dude, just, all right. I had to take a pee pee break guys. Sorry about that.

I love this guy. You, dude, how about the fact that can they make, I saw this one robot that they made of Trump and it looked just like him and he was just sitting there doing his hand thing and I was like, Oh my God, that's crazy. It looks so good. We're fucked. And so, um, I started looking at robot stuff. What's that Boston? What did dynamics, Boston dynamics and stuff.

And then the robot, here's the one. They were always doing shit like this. Like pushing them and stuff. Such dicks, dude. I'm just trying to get to school, guys. Guys, guys, guys, please, please. I'm trying to get to third period. That's what the robot is saying. That's what I wish it would...

Please, please. I'm trying to get to third period. Look, the... robot is saying. That's what I wish it would. Please, please. I'm trying to get to the third period. Look, the... Oh dude, I wish... Imagine if it just attacked one of them. See, this was going to happen one day. You're going to keep doing this. Keep doing it.

It's going to study humans and what they do. How does it stand up like that? That's crazy. Oh, Dick. That guy has real problems. That guy pushed it hard. Dude, I actually was thinking about this, like, because Billy is standing now and he's almost kind of walking, walking like a

few steps here and there, and I was thinking about how hard that must be. And then I was like, hold on, we only use two legs to stand? We should have to use three. What the fuck? You can't, you need a tripod. You want to set a camera up, you need a tripod. You can't have two. I guess it has to do with our balls or our feet and the way we distribute the weight, but props to us humans, man.

Anyway, my son's figuring it out. But yeah, every time you see a video of robots, one of the main things you see is people pushing the robot to see if they can knock it down. And they're like, look how good we can't knock it down. Yeah, dude, I cannot wait until the robots put in a, uh, just like, uh, uh, uh, a, uh, what do you call it? A montage of all the different times we bullied them. And then, and for this, we will explode you and just boop, immediate lasers through our heads. this, we will explode you and just boop, immediate lasers through our heads.

Because there's no way that I mean, eh, fuck it, whatever. At that point, no, it's going to happen in a few years. I was gonna say at that point it'll be done anyway, but no. Let's look at these. Okay. Let's look at this, uh, misconnections here. Uh, I need landscaping down below Lincoln Heights, dude, anytime it comes from Heights, you know, it's going to be so janky. Um, it's not a lot of work, but I do have some grass pulled, not cut.

Gross dude. I, what bro? I need landscaping down below. Then it's not a lot of work, but I do have some grass pulled, not cut. Oh, he wants it. It's like a kink, like ouch, like a, like a pain kink. Once it pulled. Oh my God, dude, that's hilarious.

My son does this new thing where he pulls out my chest hair and I'm like, Oh dude, and he laughs like hell and they pulls my hair and just pulls my beard hair. Here's another one. Any plans? And then it says, any plans for today? No, let me know. Sad dude. It just continues.

How is there still fucking Craigslist, dude? Are you going on Craigslist to die? There's one reason why you should go on Craigslist because it's your last few days There's no reason to be on Craigslist What are you gonna get a fucking TV get it some go to it? There's so many other way Craigslist You're going to get murdered or fucked unwantedly Um, oh I love this this person writes

need release ASAP from Monrovia. And then he says, I'm a male that needs release bad. Can you help? Be close to Monrovia. Well, he needed it quick then. I wonder what the time... Would you wait 45 minutes or would you release yourself? Unreal, dude. This just the depravity. Here we go. Friend wanted.

And under that. I am a Hispanic male. I do not speak Spanish. Short, only 5'4". 150. In my 50s looking to make a friend to hang out with in my area. A female or male makeout friend would be nice, but tell me about yourself or do not respond. I guess when you are on Craigslist, you could just call the shots because fuck it. You could be 5'4", in your 50s, 150 pounds as a man and be like, listen, don't waste my fucking time because there's no, no, no, no cost. It's low cost. You're just posting something. Here's another one. Banana nut bread.

I wonder where this is going. Lincoln Heights. So you know it's going to be janky. I love banana nut bread. I haven't had any for a long time. If you have a big loaf, I would love some. I would. I'll gobble a big loaf.

I mean, this is like a haiku, dude. If you have a big loaf, I would love some. I would. I'll gobble a big loaf. Gobble, dude. Hey, let me tell you something. There's nothing sexy about gobbling. Hey, gobble it.

I'll gobble it up. No way, dude. You ready to gobble? I mean, you know, guys are so disrespectful when it comes to sex though a lot of guys like that shit hey you know it is what it is as long as it's all consensual don't kink shame huh all right you guys that's it for the end of this episode of congratulations if you want the raw uncut go to The patreon patreon.com slash crystal. Thank you I'm gonna make you wait for all the shit I got H-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h- Thank you.