Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 394. Bear In The Pool

Episode Date: August 1, 2024

😮 Get a shoutout on this show at holler.baby/chrisdelia 🎤 MY SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is here: chrisdelia.com/god 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. This week we've got bears in pools, the opening ceremonies at the Olympics, tales from the road in San Diego, and Chris finally weighs in on Hawk Tuah girl. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/chrisdelialive 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Make your nights unforgettable with American Express. Unmissable show coming up? Good news. We've got access to pre-sale tickets so you don't miss it. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of AmeriMexpress. Visit amex.ca slash ymx benefits vary by card other conditions apply hey what's up welcome to episode 394 of congratulations Just plugged in my PewDie. It wasn't plugged in and then I was plugged in and then it wasn't plugged in and then I plugged it in.

So that's the update for the PewDie charging. And then I charged my phone and it was all good. So now we can do that episode. Fell asleep in the corner of my house about 10 minutes about ten minutes ago and just woke up a yes, dude fell asleep with in the corner of my house Yes, because I was reading the book to my kids and then passed the frink out like an adult dude And literally Calvin said why are we so tired dad? And I said because I'm an adult Adult so you wit me. I Don't even know man. One time I asked my adult. Adult, so you're with me? I don't even know, man.

One time I asked my doctor, I wasn't there for this, but I was like, why am I so tired all the time? Do I have like a sleep, do I have like a narcolepsy or something? And he said, well, are you sleeping? And I was like, yeah, no, I'm sleeping. And he said, okay. I said, do I have like chronic sleepiness?

And he was like, no, I think you're just getting older. And I was like, this is how it is? And he said, do I have like chronic sleepiness? And he was like, no, I think you're just getting older. And I was like, this is how it is. And he said, yeah, I'm just like, what, what dude, your diagnosis is your diagnosis is you're tired and just keep on charging. Oh man, dude. So, you know, we try to find the fun in life and life is really honestly just, uh, trying to survive the pain. And it's all good though, but it's like Um, I drink arrowhead water it doesn't matter, you know

People are always like that's the worst water ever tasted in my life and it's not because disani is because aquafina is okay Because aquafina disani is worse than tap water Well, I actually said water that time water um and uh Fina Desani is worse than tap water. Well, I actually said water at that time, water. Um, and, uh, so yeah, I took, uh, this, um, I have not been, ever since I got back from Australia, uh, I got, by the way, there was, I did, there was a joke I did in Australia, I realized that was, uh, getting half laughs, half laughs. And, um, it was about baseball. And I realized, what am I doing?

They don't really watch baseball. And then I just thought, got to change that joke. Then didn't then just kept going and doing it and getting a half laughs. So that's how, you know, I'm a professional comedian. Um, but yeah, I, uh, I haven't been the same since I got back from Australia. I've been so tired and I guess I'm just jet lagged still, which I don't know how I believe in jet lag, but the other night I'm like falling asleep and like, it's taken me a while to get to sleep. And then, you know,

Kristen's just been like, why don't you just take a, one of these things that I have, I don't know if it's like a melatonin or, I don't know what it is. I can't remember what it's called, but, and I was like, nah, nah, not gonna work. It's fine. So I would just like wait there for over an hour to fall asleep, or I'd fall asleep,

then wake up at like three, then be asleep for like an hour, or wake for an hour and a half and then go back to sleep and I'm like dude I just can't what this is weird for me that doesn't normally happen so I took the thing that she gave me last night murder was the case that they gave me that's what made me think of how did Snoop Dogg get? Um, how, how is he? He's, he was arrested for murder. Um, but, um, he was arrested for murder in 1993 and he's on the Olympics now. But, um, I, uh, I took this thing that she gave me and I,

dude, well, no, I went to sleep at 10 p.m. and then woke up at 2. Was up. So I go like this, God, you know what? And I go, I take one of her things. She's sleeping. And I, when I tell you, oh well, no, you know what? I died. I died for six hours. It wasn't even sleep. I slept so sore that the next bison wannabe is going to feel it now. Um, I slept so hard. I had 56 dreams. I had dreams about a washer and dryer. I had a dream about bringing Billy, my son, on a trip with a bunch of my high school friends.

I had dreams about Jake Paul. I had dreams about a song that had lyrics all along that I didn't know about. And I mean, dude, I had so many dreams. It was like a slot machine of dreams, just kept on like, and I woke up and I go, whoa, babe, those things work.

And she said, told ya, couldn't wake up for another two hours. And then fell asleep in the corner of my room, which is awesome, reading a book for my kids. So I can't, I just, I don't know how people stay awake. Hey, how do people stay awake? Honestly, people have jobs from like nine to five? I'm like, whoa, you're the real unsung heroes.

Like, look, my job is not, it's not easy. It's very hard. In a way, you know, it's not manual labor, but in a way, it's one of the hardest things to do. I do it for an hour and all the rest of the stuff is that what makes you tired is you get tired. You know, you go out, you have to travel, you're away, you're on tour, you're on the road,

and of course I make a good living, so I'm not complaining about it. It's great, it's my dream, I love it. It's hard. A nine to five? It's like, how do you not, hey, if I had to do a nine to 5 here's what it would be every day 11 45 no matter where I am I fall asleep okay I pretend like I didn't and roll

that into lunchtime and then I have lunch get back because I drank a coffee so I'm feeling jacked start work again and then by three I'm out like a light again and then I fall asleep until the end of the day 5 p.m. when we're about to clock out and I get fired and I last three days at work and that's it. Dude I can't I can't understand how people do that. It's not even about the work like dude even if I worked as a telemarketer, I, it's too much. No, it's me. I'm hello. Hi. I'd like to talk to you about the, oh yeah.

Well, the thing is why I just, so, um, I don't know. I just, I basically, I'm just saying, I don't know how people stay awake. God. I heard they're putting up lasers for the, in what country? China, of course. They're putting up lasers to wake you up if you're driving. Do you have the video?

You getting it? Let me know you have it. China has lasers that wake you up when you fall asleep on the freeway of the, of the, it's like, hey, dude, at that point, and you know, I don't know at that point, just have, uh, automatic driving cars, you know, or automated driving cars, self driving, whatever, you know, it's like, you might as well have like nights with swords or something, or people just...

Here, let me look, let me show you first so you get it, and then you'll get it. China, where is it? China lasers, here we go. What a great... Wow, that's a... Dude, it's gonna cause anti-sleep lasers on the way. Here it is. They're gonna cause so many axes,

anti-sleep and anti-safety lasers. Wow, that's crazy. Also would put me straight to sleep. These lasers. That's crazy. Also, imagine being, it's like, imagine falling asleep and then seeing that you wake up and just go, you're all right.

That's what you hear on the way over the fucking medium. Yeah, man, just have self driving cars, please. Gonna cause an accident. I mean, if I see like a mirror in a shop driving by on Ventura freeway, I almost crash. How about those places that put out mirrors, you know, like for places that have like home stuff for sale, and they'll put a mirror outside, go fuck yourself, huh? A mirror outside. So now either crash or I'm trying to see me so badly

in the mirror and then it crash. The opening ceremonies, look, the Olympics opening ceremonies, was it a mockery of religion or not? Because people were saying that the opening ceremony of the Olympics was a mockery of the Christian faith. Now, first of all, let me get one thing out of the way. I don't care a little bit about this.

I don't even care. I can't. I don't care about. I don't know what I don't care about more, the Olympics or religion. You know what I mean? And then both of them came to play and they were just like, hey, let's have a whole boring fucking deal in my brain. All right. So, but what I do? And then both of them came to play and they were just like, Hey, let's have a whole boring fucking deal in my brain. All right.

So, but what I do care about is outrage. All right. I just find that interesting. Right now the Olympics boring ass, the link Olympics came along and they were like, let's do opening ceremonies and have it be the most trans gay woke shit of all time. And they pretended to be the last supper. This fat trans lesbian woman in the center, the Jesus figure was there. And people just went nuts.

Even people that were like, well, this was one of the outrages that I saw. One of the, one of the, like, like people that were like, well, even well adjusted people were like, all right, well, respectfully, um, you know, they can, yes, I'm happy that they did that. This is what they wanted to do. I will never watch the Olympics again in my entire lifetime. You know what I mean? Like just well, well adjusted, regular people with

regular minds were just like, I, you know what's funny is if somebody that's fine, they did that. And now if somebody ever mentions the Olympics in my direction, I'm going to run into traffic and beg for cars to hit me. I'll jump into lava. Well adjusted people are like I'll just you know what I'll do if this happens I'll put birdseed in my eye and go lay out into a field you know and just wait ah the fucking birds just pecking your eyes out well it's the Olympics fault and so but that's that I you know so they they did this and in and even now look I'm willing to accept that maybe they didn't maybe because there's always it always always a chance fully believe this maybe

the artistic director didn't mean to do this, didn't mean to make it the Last Supper, didn't mean to make a mockery of the Christian faith, or didn't even think of it that way, thought like, well who cares, everybody can be Christian, it doesn't matter if you're trans, lesbian, fat, woke, you could still be Christian, so it doesn't matter. So this is good representation. It doesn't matter if it was a mockery or not or whatever. There is poss, it is possible that this guy just thought, and this is a big, big if this guy just thought, you know what?

I like the idea of some fat, trans, woke, lesbian people, just sitting around a dining room table eating and didn't even think of the Last Supper, even though the lady in the middle had a crown on! Okay, now, all good. Jesus isn't wearing a crown during the Last Supper. However, Jesus and he has got a crown. It's kind of known for crowns. So, but that's a possibility. And the creative director came out and said that, well, we didn't have it. I mean to do the less of a thing. Okay. You know what? Okay. And guess what? These two boring things together in the meeting of my mind. Okay. I don't care. Hey, Olympics, Hey, religion have at it. You either meant it or you didn't. I don't care. Hey Olympics, hey religion, have at it. You either meant it or you didn't, I

don't care. All right? So, fine. But here's the thing. How long did it take to make the opening ceremonies of the Olympics? Long, long time. Know how I know? Because, dude, did you see it? Did you see it? The French first and they do it every year everywhere but this time they did it no not every year every four years every two years because they do in Winter Olympics and all this shit but they that's the Summer Olympics they made the cameras go from like Duluve and then cut to we're gonna actually cut to the Eiffel Tower, we're gonna actually cut to you know a band playing on top of a castle, we're gonna

actually cut to and then this guy was carrying a torch uniting them all. So it was a big deal. It was pyrotechnics to go cut, cut, down the block, camera seven, on. Like it was a big deal, all right? And so this took meaning, this took months to create, if not longer, okay? Meaning it's an even bigger ask to ask us to believe that maybe the creative director or the board of directors didn't once hear a whisper of, is anyone going gonna think that this is something that'll last summer? And then they say, ah, nah.

Or they say, ah, maybe, but who cares? That's not what we mean. And then think, there'll be no outrage about it. There will be, okay? So you've got people now that are like, oh, I saw that for the Olympics. I used to love watching the Olympics. And now, look, I'm a reasonable person,

but if I ever even think about the Olympics again, I'm gonna saw my head off and someone else gonna raise my kids. But that's what they think. They go, they went nuts online. And you know, look um whether they meant to or not which they probably did whatever but the whole thing is uh what What the fuck is everyone thinking? You know? And we have to not care. But it's weird. And then I'm like, okay, so they made the Olympics opening ceremony. Gay,

trans, you know, fat or whatever. And then I'm like, well, that's wild. That's pretty wild. And then I saw this footage online that was 20 years ago, and it was when the Olympics were in like Athens or Greece or somewhere, you know, and I was like, wow, and it was just these people that were painted like they were stone statues kind of moving around and like the old, you know, Grecian time, you know, like Or like Italian like, you know, Michelangelo sculpted them or something like that like the statue of David and they were real people painted like this and doing activities that like people do in the Olympics and painted like this and doing activities that like people do in the Olympics.

And people were online like, look at 20 years ago, no, no, no, no trans, no gay, no woke activity, just beautiful, uh, uh, art in motion. And this was the Olympics pure. And then I'm like, yeah, totally different. And then I'm like, wait, the Olympics started in Greece, and then I'm like, Greece, and then I'm like, Greece is dope, I want to visit there, and then I'm like, well, Greecean history, and then I'm like, wait, didn't Greece, didn't the Olympics kind of originate in Greece, and then I'm like... If I think about who the gayest people in history are, I go ancient Grecians.

And then I'm like, wait, didn't they dress up boys as concubines and splurting them? And then I'm like, Hey, it's kind of on brand. So. Like. You know. You know? It's just the whole world is crazy and gets back to crazy and it thinks we're crazy the whole time and in the middle somehow

Snoop Dogg gets fucking arrested for murder and this is the shit that we worry about. And Snoop Dogg is at the Olympics pretending to smoke the fucking torch as a baaaaaag! Your mom hates it when you leave six half-full glasses on your nightstand. It's a good thing mom lives on the other side of the country. And it's an even better thing that you can get six IKEA 365 plus glasses for just $9.99. So go ahead, you can afford to hoard because IKEA is priced for student life. Shop everything you need for back to school at IKEA today.

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suggesting, or was it an homage to the Greek God Dionysus as organizers proclaim? Oh, there we go. This is on some website USA Today. So, you know, it's true because they never lie. Friday's wild opening ceremony for the Paris Olympics put the spotlight on influential French metal bands. Yeah, that part was actually pretty dope. How they were just like in hotel rooms,

just blasting out. Like, you know, I don't even know what the lyrics were. Oh, and then Celine Dion was on it. That's what it says right here. Did we see her? We didn't watch the end, we gotta watch the end. My heart will go on. Right? That's not Celine Dion? We don't watch the end. We got to watch the end. My heart will go on. Right.

That's not Celine Dion. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, OK, she sang in French, but that's her song. She sang it. Guys, stop jumping on my throat. Babe, dude, Kristen wanted to. In 2019 or 2020... Okay, I understand.

But it has to do with when the thing started. Please don't interrupt my podcast. So like, in 2019 or 2020, she said, I would love, as a gift, you take me to Vegas so we can see Celine Dion in residency. And I said, okay. Okay? Alright? 2020 hits.

In March, COVID can't go anywhere, and then Celine Dion gets like a disease that nobody, that she invented, like Lou Gehrig, and then it just kind of quits, and now Kristen holds over my head like, that was the only thing I ever wanted, I had three months to dial that in! I had three months! And then Celine Dion just is gonna like peace out. The whole world pieces out. The whole world comes back together and then Celine Dion pieces out creating a disease and I'm like okay so this is my fault? How the hell am I gonna get Celine Dion tickets? In three months dude I

thought I had a lifetime. I thought I had a lifetime to do this sucks Well, there you go me dude. There you go me man fucking up my relationship once again What she's gonna interrupt again you can I don't care I'm kidding What was it? You could just say it will bleep it out if I don't want to talk about it. Yeah, I will talk about that, but I will talk about it later. You gotta bleep that out if you can hear it, okay? Because I don't wanna dox the person.

But I will tell a story later. That was pretty silly. My wife will do like lip reading stuff. I can't even, she tried to tell me a story today about somebody next to us eating and talking to someone else. And it was like, it was like it was it was like We were in the Secret Service like that was how nervous she was it was and it was it was just something that the other Woman was talking about and who cares what if the other woman even heard it and Chris was just like

No, she did what she does. This is what this hurt And I'm just like, what did you fucking say? And then she'll get quieter and I'm like, just say it louder. I mean, it's so hard to understand. And anyway, that's what she did now. But the whole point is, Grease is mad gay, you know, and trans, and period. And that didn't just start. And my heart will go on. I'm not watching any events, except for all the events my wife are making me watch,

and she's watching all of them, so I'm watching all of them. I mean, the ones that are cool, look, you know, my wife was a gymnast when she was younger. She won nationals, she was the best in her state. And yes, in a certain tier or whatever, okay? in a certain tier or whatever. OK. And. She loves gymnastics and that's great. And I'm gymnastics to me is like breakdancing.

It's like you can be so good at it. And also. OK. Oh, you flip around all those bars. Oh, you're on that thing that somebody created called a pommel horse flipping all around? And I'm just like, oh, okay. Oh, oh, so fucking... You know that song? Shung, shugadoong? That Justin Timberlake song? Oh, that came on and you're breakdancing to it on your back? Oh, okay. That's it's the same thing. It's like a nice Halloween costume. Oh yeah, that must have taken a long time to put together. Oh, all right. That to me, that's like that, okay. And it doesn't take away from the talent. You have talent. It's unbelievable that you could do it. And there's

a competition and I understand it and that's fine. Or I don't understand it and that's, you know, whatever. It's you do you. It is so crazy how the Olympics has survived though, through all of this time. My wife's thinking about going to the Olympics and then she broke her back and grew six inches. Anyway, enough about the Olympics. You know what the Olympics lost me when I found out

that skiing and shooting was a fucking thing in this in the Winter Olympics. Were they're just the biathlon or whatever. Were they're just like ah let's just fucking add one more here. Maybe do a thing where you ski a little bit and then you stop and you shoot and then you keep skiing or something. And you're just like what? That's not like hockey. That's not like fucking, you know, an actual thing. You're just putting a bunch of malarkey and haphazard shit together. Yeah. You know what we're going to do?

We're going to have for the summer Olympics, uh, wrestling, jumping, and pissing your pants, put them all together and, uh, Sweden wins the gold. Yeah. Russia's good at it. They, you know what? They're good at it. Uh, they, but the people who really excel, uh, is the gold. Yeah, Russia's good at it. They, you know what? They're good at it. Uh, they, but the people who really excel, uh, is the Germans, they, they excel at the pissing the pants part.

Oops. Look at that. One gold. Um, here's what I'm done with. And I don't, I don't hate her, I actually like her. The hawk to a girl. Hey. Hey.

Hey. You got no more saliva. Okay? Dude, you said a thing. Oh, it was at best, at best, very funny. At best, it was a very funny thing you said. And then it went viral. And I liked this woman. I liked this woman. This woman's cool.

She seems fun and like a, you know, cute kind of put together person. This is no hate on this woman. This woman deserves a really nice full life. And then I see her on podcasts. And I'm like, I see her on in like events, like saying stuff on a big stage with 70,000 people like Are y'all ready for Jelly Roll?

And I'm just like... You said Hawk too. You know? And it's like... So she's doing it and she's... Make the money. Make the money.

Make all the money. Make the most money you can. Make it. Make it. Get the money. make the money, make all the money. Make the most money you can. Make it, make it. Get the money. I think all these, you know, blood sucking leech agents that are just like gonna try and like get her doing stuff. Make the merch though.

Do it. Get all that money. Okay? people who like interview her like like I get honestly Whitney Cumm, because her podcast is her podcast and she does whatever, but I'm like, Bill Maher? Doesn't he have a show on HBO for 29,000 years? How long has that Bill Maher show been on? Since fucking 1912?

I mean, he interviewed the Wright brothers and it's just like to have her on a podcast for what and for what like an hour? And for what, like an hour? And I'm like, fine, but then I'm like, people surely don't listen to this, right? And I said to my wife, how, could you imagine anyone listening to her on the Bill Maher podcast or on something, you know, like, and my wife said, I would.

And I said, oh yeah. Women. I forgot that women will just listen in on anybody talking. You know what? I forgot. That's the thing is that I forgot. I forgot that if anyone with a vagina or a penis starts talking to anyone with a vagina or penis, that if someone with a vagina is within earshot, they will be listening. Intently too.

I'm just listening to the person. I don't know what they're saying, and you know what they're saying, and I'm like, oh. The person over there, and I'm like, there's a person over there? I don't know. And so,

hey, here's my interview to the Hawk Tua girl. Hey, so you, you said Hawk Tua? yeah. Yeah, and it was like outside at that was it like a street rally or something or like a Picnic or a fair and then she says yeah, it's a fair in this and go Oh, and then a guy just came up to her was a setup. Yeah, a guy came up to us Just started asking. Oh, okay. Yeah, and it died actually what you do when you give a BJ and she's like, well I don't want to talk about all that and I go like this. Alright, ladies and gentlemen, we'll be back. We'll be back after a few of these messages and

we'll be back with fucking anybody else! We'll be back with a baby that can't talk yet, it's fine. We'll be back with a donkey. And a guy that thinks he's Dr. Doolittle, we'll get interviewed with a donkey, he won't. You know? And because like, you know, it's like the old Cernet live clips of the Chris Farley show, some of the funniest shit ever, when he's just like, so you're interviewing Paul McCartney, he's like, so you're in The Beatles? He's like, yeah, I was in The Beatles. He's like, so you interview with Paul McCartney, he's like, so you're in the Beatles? He's like, yeah, I was in the Beatles.

He's like, awesome, like, how was it? Like, that's so funny. Chris Farley. I don't, what do we think about the Hawk Toa girl? Cause I don't think I've talked about her yet. We think that she's going to, look, I think she could become the next Cashmere outside girl, but she would have to do,

she would have to objectify herself in more than just the Hawk Tour way. Like the bad baby person started becoming a rapper and was doing like twerking, you know. The Hawk Tour girl can't now all of a sudden just become like a journalist or a talking head. It has to be some sort of like, hey come see me headline Spearmint Rhino now with my hawk to a mouth, you know? And she can parlay it into something after that but

it's gotta it's always got to be something pervy in the beginning if you don't actually have and here's the thing I'm not saying she might be very talented we just don't know her talent yet you know her she said something funny and we're all acting like oh well we you know let's get this person on the the the the the the the the me train and and and and see what they're and and and see their their talent but it's not that it's not like she's out there showing people how to give BJs now, which would be the thing that would excel. Oh, interesting, oh, interesting.

Oh, so much spit in the wrist movement. Oh, interesting, oh, interesting. Oh, you really do go hawk too, oh, interesting. Oh, does it go all the way back there? Oh, interesting. Oh, how interesting. Oh, he's sporting quickly, oh,. Oh interesting right? But she's not. She's like ladies and gentlemen get ready for Creed.

And people are just like yeah. So I don't know man. She'll continue that. Look, she can become that, that. The bad baby girl. But, by the way, the bad baby girl got fucking, apparently the domestic violence, the baby mom, the baby father hit her. And that's terrible. And it sucks. But honestly, I guess finally the outside did catch up with her and that dude caught her outside. Just saying. And I don't even, I don't, you know, I'm against domestic abuse, domestic disputes. I'm against domestic living.

I don't even think people should have houses, honestly. So if you're going to come at me to remember, I don't even think that people should be within four walls. I just... I just, I think that more so it probably ends with a quick clip in some kind of on like V the whatever the VHS network is in 15 years. She's a quick segment of, hey, remember what the fuck happened in the 20s? the fuck happened in the twenties? You know, sandwiched between, uh, COVID and, uh, Joe Biden resigning.

You know, and there was also a hock to a girl that did the thing of the hock to a thing. Anyway, Joe Biden then started not saying anything and just. How much does Joe Biden fart? Like be real. Oh, Is it just all day continuously? I bet it's a little bit all day leaking. Because let me tell you something man, some days and I some days do you just go wipe for no reason? Because you go I need a wipe. You know? Because I'll be honest, I do. I'm just like, you know what? The day is too long and too much to have me not getting a little bit interesting down there.

I'm going to go for a wipe. And I go for a wipe and thank God I went for a wipe is all I'll say. All right? So with that, my wife left the studio, but I'm telling you, she knows I go for a wipe sometimes. Sweetie, I'm going for a wipe. So, hey babe, are you going for a wipe right now? And so Joe Biden, I mean, he must just have scotch tape and some fucking stridex back

there. Um... Because it just keeps... I keeps it back there. If I'm 80. Anyway... Um... So... I just don't know. You know, like I always say, you risk sounding like the old guy.

The more you complain, the more you get, the longer you complain, the more you start sounding like the old guy, right? Because I'm 44 now, and it's like I'm still out here calling this bullshit out and people still now I'm 44, people are like, that's just the old guy. And it's like, yeah. Okay. Remember the, you know how people like say like, oh yeah, you're old. And you go, that's, thank God, I made it. Ah.

Hey, let's take a break, Memphis, Tennessee, I'll be there August 10th. Dallas, Texas, I'll be there August 16th. Wichita, August 17th. And then Oxnard, California, I got the weekend there on August 30th at Oxnard Levity Live. That's the comedy club there there and it's Southern California. McAllen, Texas, Belmont, Texas. The Straight Outta The Multiverse Tour is coming.

Peterborough, Ontario, London-Burgh, Ontario, Duluth, Minnesota, September, Thunder Bay, Lexington, Kentucky, Birmingham, Montgomery, Mobile, Sudbury, Sioux Falls, and then Brea. We're rounding out the year with. And we got other dates coming up.

So guys, go to chrislea.com and get those tickets now before they sell out and come see me at the straight out of the multiverse tour. I was in, dude I haven't seen my parents in like, I don't know, or I hadn't seen my parents in like three weeks because of Australia I don't know or I hadn't seen my parents in like three weeks because of Australia and The time that I haven't I hadn't even talked to him the time difference was just like brutal and Ah and There we go.

Why do I have it? I have it because I have a fucking frozen shoulder. And the guy came over and worked on my shoulder today. I got frozen shoulder. I'm 44. Yes, dude. Frozen shoulder. Sounds like a fucking Mortal Kombat move. And so, frozen shoulder and so I I went to you know my parents were like hey uh uh come

over for dinner and I'm like all all right, cool. So, you know, they do Saturday, they say, come over for dinner tomorrow. I say, all right, cool. I'll bring the boys, you know, we'll come over. And then the next day I wake up and my dad sends me a message. Here's how I know my dad's getting old. My dad sent me a message on Instagram. Okay? Not a text

message. He sent me a video on Instagram. Not a video on Instagram. A video he filmed and then he DM'd it to me. And I'm just like, for Christ's sake, like, I don't even know how this transpired. Does he think he's texting me? I have no idea, right? And the video, I see a video, and then I see, you don't know this, this is a crazy story, dude. And then under it I say, it says,

look who's coming to dinner, okay? The video is of Okay? The video is of a bear outside of my parents place eating the trash in the area where the trash is stored. A bear. A tall bear eating the trash outside near where I would have parked my car, okay? So I write back a fucking bear DM and He writes in DM. Yeah, can you believe it caught him out there this morning? And so I'm like, okay then I'm like Hours pass and I just assume Hey hey dude, if you have a bear, period.

Get it taken care of. In whichever method you want. Have it, have it, wash your hands of the, this, right? Do whatever you gotta do. Hey, and dude, sorry for the animal activists get your shotgun get your poison or or for the pacifist call a animal control get the bear where bears go huh okay so I'm like you know it's it's two now, and you know, everyone in my family knows about the bear,

like Kristen and stuff, and I say, all right, well, I'm gonna get the boys ready to go to dinner. And Kristen's like, you think it's like a good idea to bring the kids over there if there's a bear? And I'm like, well, he said, I mean, it was this morning, I'm sure it's not there anymore, and they have indoors. And I know if a bear really wanted to, they could just be like, this house is actually mine.

And then eat everybody and then just live there for a week and a half, you know? But I'm like, it'll probably be okay. So I get in the car with our nanny and the two boys, Kristen stayed because she had a lot of work to do for school. We're driving to La Cunha, which is where my parents live, okay? My parents asked me, what do you want for dinner? We tell them they order it, okay? My brother ordered it from his house and ordered it to theirs.

The whole thing is just like a mess, right? So I'm like, okay, this is what I want. Go there. My mom orders wrong. I know this and I'm on my way there anyway. So fine, whatever. Okay. My mom gave the wrong order. She got chicken Milanese, not chicken Marsala, which is what we wanted. Chicken Milanese is shitty. Okay. It's just bad. What is it? Is it fraud? I don't even understand what it is, honestly. It tastes like tree bark. Thank you very much. So, we're on the way to my parents' house. My nanny gets a text from my mom.

Okay? Not me. Not my wife. Okay? This is what the text says. By the way, the bears been in the pool since noon, but he's outside. On the way to my parents house, bringing my four-year-old and my one-year-old. My mom side texts my nanny and says, oh, hey, by the way, the bear's been outside in the pool for hours since this morning.

So I, oh, oh, and as this happens, I shit you not, Billy throws up everywhere in the back seat. Okay. So I'm like, what's that smell? What the fuck? What did she say? So we pull over, I watched Billy straw up and I call my mom and I'm like, mom, the bears in the pool.

And she's like, yeah, but you know, I don't even know if he's still there. I just, every now and then I go upstairs and I look out the window and he's in the pool and I was like, I'm bringing my kids over. And she's like, I was fine, we'll stay inside. I said, you don't know about bears? They could like get in anywhere. They're fast and strong. And she was like, it'll be okay. And I said, no Ma, you didn't tell me that the bear was still on your property. You know, the pool is like right there. property you know it the pool is like right there and bears in it so I'm like I don't know if we're gonna come and she's like oh it's fine so what now we got all this food coming now that we all got all this food being delivered by the way bears will come by if there's food in the doorstep so I'm like ma you got a

lot of food coming and bears around the premises and you're inviting me and my four-year-old and my one-year-old over. I think it's probably best if I don't go. In the meantime, my brother texts me, hey I'm not going over there. So I'm like, great. So now I was like, fine then don't come. And I'm like, oh for fuck's sake you're gonna make me feel bad. So I pull over, I wipe the throw up on my son and my nanny was like, fine then don't come. And I'm like, oh for fuck's sake, you're gonna make me feel bad. So I pull over, I wipe the throw up on my son and my nanny is like, it's probably all right, we'll just stay inside. I'm like, all right, fuck it.

So we drive over there. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr where the bear was. Okay, thanks, see ya. Driving. My dad again. Hello? Yeah, so you should park at the, you can park in front of the house or across the street. Okay. Thanks, see ya. I pick up my dad. Hello? Hello? He pocket dialed me. Hang up. I'm like, alright, you know, it smells like puke. Okay. Show up. And I'm like, no, no, no. Another phone call. It's my mom.

Hey, you know, there's an area down the street the other way that you usually don't park. It's like a circular drive. It's the neighbors. But if you park outside of it and I just go, boop, hang up. Because, like, hey, ahahaha, this is all I can take. So,

I hang up, I get there, I park, you know where I parked? Wherever the fuck I thought I should park. Okay? It wasn't near the trash can, I parked wherever the fuck I thought I could park. And it was right outside, close to the door of my house, near a wall, and it was, it was my parents house and it was the second it was the second place the second call my dad had to me was this is where to park and I beyond that he was at another part and then my mom told me where I said no

I'm not gonna do all this so I just parked there, we get to the place. It all goes fine. There's no bear. You know, we don't even see it. We get in the... we say, all right, little boy, we got to go, you know, get in the car. My dad gives Calvin a kiss and he gives Billy a kiss. And my dad gives Calvin a kiss and he gives Billy a kiss. And he does this joke with Calvin where he's like, ah, he keeps kissing him and Calvin's like, no, no, no. And one time Calvin was like, I don't like when he does that. It's too wet, kiss too wet. So I was like, yeah.

I told my dad this three fucking times, right? I'm like, dad, yeah, don't, you know, don't do it. He doesn't like it. He plays a game, you know? And because he does it with Billy and Billy laughs, he thinks he has to do with Calvin to make it even. You know, I get my crazy from my family. So, we put, he gives Calvin a kiss, does one kiss, you know, on the cheek, cool. I got put him in the car.

I get in the car to go leave. And then I hear gunk. My dad opens the door to give Calvin another kiss against the wall. So now my door has a little ding in it. And I'm just, and I go, Oh God damn, I can't say anything, you know? Because fuck it, who cares really in the long run? So now I'm driving back home, and I'm not even driving, I'm so tired,

and I say to the nanny, I'm like, can you grab, she's like, oh, she's like, she's like, can you grab my sunglasses behind in the bag? It's kind of sunny, so I go to grab the sunglasses in her bag, and I'm searching, can you grab she's like, oh, she's like she's like, can you grab my sunglasses behind in the bag? It's kind of sunny. So I go to grab the sunglasses in her bag and I'm searching around for it She's like it's in there. You might have to look for it I'm searching around searching around searching around searching around all of a sudden. It feels like my hand is in a pile of dog shit, okay, and I say

What is in your bag and she says sunglasses just some diapers and then I said no huh the thing that feels like dog shit and she says oh it might be the dog food did it open and I said yeah it's his wet be the dog food. Did it open? And I said, YEAH! It's this wet ass dog food. Now not only does it smell like puke from Billy, but it also smells like dog food. And I'm driving home- Is it beginning to drive home? I'm driving home like this,

with a fucking dog food hand, baby puke, the do- I gotta take the fucking car in! And I'm like... Don't invite me if a bear's over! Hey! We could've nipped this in the bud!

If you told me to stay away when a bear's on the premises! Something I'll never say! Hey, a bear's here! Call everyone to come over! Call animal control! Get a shotgun! Put poison on him! You know dude... It was a fucking debacle the whole day. I came home Chris was like, what's wrong?

And I was like, down down down down down down down down down down down. I mean, it just took so long to tell the story. And then she's like, oh, sorry, you know, and I'm like, you know, it's fine. We start laughing at it and about it, you know, whatever. But... Dude, I mean, uh... I don't, Animal Control never came. They called them four times, they never came.

That's the thing about it. Here's the thing, if I ever have to call Animal Control and they don't pick up or they don't Come or they don't return my calls all day. They get a message like this. Hey Got my shotgun I'm going to kill the thing come get it before I do Gonna be protected my family by an animal control Hey better come pick up your bear gonna shoot it in the face Bionimal control. Dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Here we go. I have, how come I can't get it off honestly? Oh my god. I'm an athlete. There we go.

There was a thing, we got some TikToks here actually. Yeah, there we go. There's some of it. And then here's a tick. What's a bigger trap? Welcome to the most fucked up TikTok of the week. Uh oh. TikTok. It's a segment that we do that is now that, you know, we used to do the most fucked up Instagram posts of the week,

but now the most fucked up TikTok posts of the week is what we're doing. So, uh, that's what we're doing from now on. Cause TikTok is more relevant now and, uh, people are absolutely bonkers on TikTok. What's the bigger trap marriage or having kids? I think having kids cause you can't do the same stuff. least a marriage you guys can still smoke crack together if you got Kids you can't you got to like put that to the side or something like that Yeah, you got to put the crack this four years or something like that. What's that 35 you back in the game?

Yeah, cuz they're gonna be with themselves. They'd be like get over there They're like it smells like plastic daddy and they'd be like it's plastic time like get out of here You go dude. I think I goes yeah Hey No Yeah What's the bigger trigger marriage or having kids? I think having kids because you can't do the same stuff at least a marriage you guys can still smoke crack together

You got kids what you can't you got to like put that to the side or something like that exactly yeah hey no no incredible here's another one we got two most fucked up tick-tock posts of the week Ah, they're my friends. Fuck, we can't do that one. So there was one. Just cut the beginning sound of that so nobody, you can still put this in there. That was my friend. There's so many fucked up people that are even my friends.

Okay. Um, we went to San Diego and did the fucking laugh factor and it was awesome, dude. It was so awesome. And it was so hot on stage. It's underground and the air conditioning was broken and they need to fix that. And, um, they will, but man, those San Diego crowds just, I used to think San Diego was the worst place to go. And honestly, downtown San Diego is ridiculously bad.

It's got the best and the worst that everyone has to offer because it'll be like, well, and I also, it was Comic-Con. So it's like, you'll see like a, just like fat Deadpool nine times a day. And you're just like, Oh, you don't look like a real Deadpool. Don't try something. Just get a shirt with Mario on it. You know, like if you're going to go like, come on buddy. Hey, be Mario dress up as Mario.

We're all fat. You know what I mean? Stop going as Fat Wolverine. Right? Right? Right? Because Jason Momoa didn't have love handles and a belly in Aquaman. So don't do that one. Just dress as Mario. Okay?

Hey, dude, you know what? Uh, uh, Henry Cavill didn't have a gut in Superman in Man of Steel, so hey, go as Luigi. Alright? Isn't that, isn't that right? Cause we're all fat. Don't try- Me, I'm kinda fit. Dude, if I put a Deadpool outfit on,

I, I, I, this is what you think when you see it. Ah, I should've went as Luigi. We're all fat. Okay? Whatcha doin'? Get a Mario shirt and go get a fucking, you know, a Spider-Man comic signed. Well, not anymore because Stanley's dead, but you know what I mean. So Comic-Con was crazy. We went there and dude the homeless situation in San Diego is out of control. It's sad. It's really sad. David Sullivan came. Dude, David Sullivan. I went early because there was going to be traffic in...

for Comic-Con. I'm like, I'm just gonna go early. I left. I was in the car by myself. David Sullivan texted me while I'm on the way. Hey man, what's the deal with San Diego? You going? When you going? I was like, oh yeah, I'm going. He said, tonight tomorrow? I was like, yeah, tonight tomorrow. And I was like, oh wait, he's David Sullivan. He's probably gonna be like, let me tag along. So I said to him, oh, by the way, I already left. Then he goes, damn. He's like, will you pick me up at the train station before you go on stage? Bro, imagine being that fly by the seat of your pants that you're 47. By the way.

And he's just like, Oh, you left for San Diego already? Pick me up at the train station there. Dude, that is bonkers. And I said, okay. I said, okay before I even decided because I was like, I'll just get him down there and see what happens. I was driving down the 405 or five, I don't know where I was, five probably at this point point and I look to my left and there's a train I'm driving as fast as the train next to me and I text him and I say Yo, are you on that train and he says yeah, and I said, what's the next stop and he tells me and I said Meet you there dude. I just went to the next stop. He got off and he got in my car With only a backpack vagabond okay so he's just there in San Diego and just sleeps in the same room as me

was me Vagabond. We're in our 40s in the same bed you know it was fun as shit dude it was so fun. We had my cameraman Sam who directed my special as well and Mike Linoche we all stayed in the room ourselves one room it was the last room available at the Andaz during the Comic Con it was so fucking expensive but dude we had so much fun dude we never stopped laughing the whole time and we got back at like 1 a.m. Or no not even like Maybe before that 12 We were laughing and we didn't dude David was trying to fall asleep and we kept going with bits and jokes the light the TV was on we kept going bits

The then we turned the TV off we kept going dude It was 5 a.m. and my mind was still in bit mode, dude, and everyone else was asleep, and I was still doing bits by myself. I swear to God, dude. And I thought, in my head, I had a very real moment where I go like this. I'll never stop. And I said to myself, I'll never stop doing bits, ever. And then I texted that to a different group chain at five o'clock in the morning. I said, I'll never stop doing bits, ever. Two different texts. And then one of the guys was up already at five a.m.

and laughed at it. And I go, fuck yeah. Nightcapper. It took me so long to get to sleep. And there, you have it. That's the episode of congratulations. Episode 394. Thank you for the rest of the video. Go to the that's it for YouTube for the rest of the video.

Go to the Patreon, patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia and you'll get all of the remaining episodes that have happened. All the bonus episodes and that have happened, all the bonus episodes and that have happened. There's like 40 of them now. So go there and you can just binge them all, you know, like we're the show lost. And there's one extra that we do a month so you can go sign up. And it supports the show.

Honestly, it keeps the show going, truly. So thank you guys very much.