Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 395. French Kiss

Episode Date: August 8, 2024

😮 Get a shoutout on this show at holler.baby/chrisdelia 🎤 MY SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is here: chrisdelia.com/god 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. This week we've got pole vaulting, the new movie Trap, the smell of corn, the new Rogan special, and a frustrating trip to the pharmacy. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/chrisdelialive 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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It's an Uber account that allows your teen to request a ride under your supervision with live trip tracking and highly rated drivers. Add your teen to your Uber account today. RUNK! And also this is the 390 somethingth video, uh, uh, uh, episode of Congratulations. Yeah, dude, I've had the A-Team song stuck in my head for months and I don't even know why. I haven't heard it. That's the kind of thing you'll hear driving by though. And like, it'll just get you in your subconscious. That's why I believe in the mentalist and stuff like that. Because you can trick people to do things.

I know just by getting in their subconscious. I guess, I don't know. I think, right? Because why is the A-Team song stuck in my head for no reason after 30 years? It's pretty awesome, huh? You know, theme songs used to be just absolutely, you know what they were? Bitchin'. Just, and they went, they stopped being bitchin' when the word

bitchin' went out of style just yin-da-dun-da-rum-bum-bum it's that one it's that yin-da-dun-da-rum-bum-bum it's that that slide dude it's that slide that's just absolutely killer it's absolutely French kiss what is it French kiss. What is it? French kiss? Chef's kiss. French kiss is... The French kiss is the way you stick the tongue. You know what it is? It's French kiss. It's you sticking your tongue in someone's mouth and making out with them and just scooping saliva. Wow, we're already bonkers. But you know, I think that that one was good and a bunch of other ones were just killer. The air, what was it air fo, what would you, what'd you say?

Air, uh, Ivan air Fox, air wolf, air wolf. Right. How'd it go again? Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That one was just awesome. You could also make a show called airwolf in the eighties, you know?

It couldn't be Airwolf now. I mean, maybe it would be, it could be, but you'd have to get like, honestly, Scott Bakula in it or something. You'd have to get a guy that was around in the eighties. If it was a new guy, it would be weird. You, you'd just be like, it doesn't make sense. They'd probably get some like fucking alt comedian to do it, you know? And you'd just be like, what is this?

And it is this all inside jokes, you know? Uh, speaking of comedians, man, I did this, I put this, uh, post up about crowd work comedians. No, no, no, no, I didn't. That's, let me actually take that back. I put up a post about people who do bad crowd work. Honestly, I'm not a crowd work comedian. I do a lot of crowd work.

I post clips. I do crowd work if it happens. I don't really look for it. Um, some comedians are really good at it and some comedians got famous off of being really good at it. And that's a talent, you know? Matt Rife is great. There's other great guys who do it. There's just a ton of them. That guy, Jeff McCurry, I think, is his last name, how you pronounce it, is great. And it's so funny because I posted this thing about how comedians, look, here's what happened. Comedians got successful off of this crowd work stuff. Then you get the bunch of people who are the copycats

that try to do it, that some of them are just, have no business posting these clips. And I get it if you're like a comedian that is somebody that doesn't really do crowd work, but you're already successful and you're like, well if I post crowd work clips, I'll sell tickets. That's fine. And if you're a professional comedian, you're probably not, you're probably not, what happened? I can't hear myself. Is it okay? Can you hear me? You're probably not bad at crowd work.

Cause it's one of the skill sets you need as a comedian. But these guys who are just straight up, and dude, I got heat for this. Straight up dog shit will just post stuff cause that's what they think people are doing. And of course there has to be those people because then you need to have those people because if you don't have that, then good doesn't, good comics don't exist. But people were like, oh, Crystal Lee abashes crowd work comedians.

And it's like, no, the bad ones. Being good at crowd work is unbelievable. And it's, and it's, and if you're good at it, that's a talent. Um, but my God, dude, people are like, you pro you post crowd work material. Yeah, dude. Good at it. It's, it's just, I've developed it. I've, I've, I had to play fucking 1 a.m. At the Comedy Store every night

for years for six people So you don't do me too. You don't go up there and you say so Bottled water is crazy. Huh? Well, it's in sinks. You know, you can't just Yeah, yeah boy. They figured out a way to market everything now a day. They're not gonna laugh Yeah, boy, they figured out a way to market everything nowaday. They're not gonna laugh So you gotta sharpen that tool and a lot of these comics Haven't and they're just at some open mic in you know some coffee shop in NoHo And they're like got the clip and they put it up and it sucks donkey balls

And it's and look dude. That's just you, it's objective. That's what I think. Okay. So this whole thing about being offended at, uh, you know, no, no, no. Being offended has always been around the taking things personal about something that isn't personal is wild. about something that isn't personal is wild. Now, a lot of times it's hard to distinguish is that personal or not? But how can you look at someone performing on stage

and be like, oh, this is about me. Especially when... You have a few followers. Great, my wife's using the printer. Why is the printer going? Ah, stop it. And, um... But yeah, the whole thing was bonkers. Bonkers.

Bonk-ers. And so, uh, whatever. Just do it, keep doing crowd work. Keep trying to get good at it it's the post it's you know what it is is the feeds when you keep clicking you go where you from people if you follow like four comedians because then it'll be in the algorithm so you just get stuff that isn't your you don't that you don't you know when they change Instagram about how it's not chronological is it's not who you follow, now they're just sending you shit?

Like I'll see an Instagram about a guy fixing a house for some reason, like I give a shit. Cause my wife said, hey, I think we need a new, maybe we should look into getting new floors. And now the powers that be heard that, Apple heard it. And now just, I've got like, you know, here's what you do when you're flooring. So I don't know. Um.

I just I'm we're up in arms because of honestly, the craziest thing that's happened all week is the, honestly, I, so there was the Hawk tour girl, right? Great, cool. How did that become such a thing? Is what I think when I see that. And when I see something like this, I think how did this not become such a thing?

Because it became a thing, but not such a thing. Uh, the guy who pole vaulted and lost because he knocked the pole off with his dick. He straight up, dude, he was making it and his penis went like this. His penis said, you know what his penis did did what a dog does when you stop petting it Try to find the pole to knock it to go penis goes yep, you've been neglecting me. Oh, hey That's how you tell he's gay by the way, and you didn't even know but it's just there will be signs You know I'm talking about like that meme. I You know, I won't come out of the closet, but there will be signs and then the dude

Penises a pole up touch it to penis touching poles out here, dude, and and he just knocked it up over dude and that is 100% better than winning the Olympics percent better than winning the Olympics. If you can't parlay that into a deal with Trojan or something, honestly, Dyson, anything out there, if you can't parlay that into a, a mattress, sit and sleep at anything, you're the guy who knocked the pole over. Because your Johnson was 9 inches. You know what he should have won?

On the way down he should have went, Oh my 8 and a half! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! God damn it! My 9 and a half! Should have taped it upright like it's getting choked. Should have had it come out of taped it upright like it's getting choked should have had it come out of my waistband like it's getting choked his penis goes SLOW DOWN IT

bro that is so awesome man I'd be like if a chick did it and her tits got it oh dude I'm too... Oh, I knew I was too well endowed on the way down.

He should have... Man, that is so funny. Oh, my yogurt slinger. What if he just said that on the way down? Dude. Or, or this is what he says on the way down. Even flaccid? Um.

Yeah, dude. Wow, that got, you know, that's like that joke where it's like, hey dude, your nose is so big. You know, you got to the, your nose got, whatever the fuck it is. You know what, I can't do the joke, it's so bad. But it's just, my nose got to the fuck it is you know what me I can't do the joke it's so bad but it's just my nose got to the meeting five minutes before I did or whatever that joke is it's literally that the penis got to the pole not me guy had a

bulge how did he it's so it's awesome who which one's the guy? Oh, we got a porn offer. This guy got a porn offer. Is that what you're saying to me? Wow. There you go. But now turn it into like, honestly, turn it into a, like for real, you could get a straight up daytime talk show out of this.

Like don't do porn. Be like, like be on the same time as The View on the other channel and just absolutely slaughter them. And just be the guy whose dick was in the way. Call it, change your name to Dick and call it Dick in the Way. This guy's awesome. Anthony Amirati.

Is he Italian? Oh, is he Italian or French? French? Okay. Oh, oh dude. He just goes, oh knocks it off on the way down. But of course. Dude.

Paul Volter Anthony Amirati, manhood might be blocked from Olympic glory, but it could now help him in a girthy payday when an adult entertainment company offering the French athlete a whopping 250k. Dude, you can get more now. To show off his famous junk on camera. Fuck. I wonder what if I said, if that happened to me. If I, if I did that, if that happened to me, if I, if I did that, if that happened to me, because I'll tell you right now, he might have a big penis, but I bet, I bet, I bet I give him a run for his money, dude.

I bet if we were staring at each other and we're both half, half erect. I don't want to get demonetized, but half erect, however you say it. Staring at each other and we kept walking towards each other. The tip of my penis would touch his belly before his touch mine. That's all I'm saying. And then I would go like this, look at him and go, but of course, um, oh, no, I would look at them and say, failed again.

Um, so if a Marotti failed to reach the finals after finishing 12th, but cam soda VP, you know, cam soda, Darren Parker was looking to turn the whole thing into a positive saying if it was up to me, I'd award for yeah, dude, I mean, but he could turn it into a daytime, daytime talk show and just go up against the view. Dick in the way. Um, I saw, I saw trap dude. I went to see trap the movie, the M night Shyamalan movie. Now let me tell you something right now.

I haven't been to the movie theater for me, for a movie I wanted to see since, oh, it was Nope. Nope was the last one. Now I'm remembering. Before that, I honestly think it was before COVID. That's how long ago it was. So I told this to David and he was like, nah, you've been for Cal. And I was like, oh yeah, dude, I did.

I see a lot of crocodile. I saw that. I saw, uh, whatever the one with super pets was. Maybe I've seen three, two, two or three. Um, and so anyway, I have whatever you don't care about that, but that's just me keeping it just bone dry real. Right. And, um, and so I saw the movie.

Now, let me just say this. Okay. It's fun to go to the movies. Nobody was there. Okay. It's fun to go to the movies. It's there. Okay? It's fun to go to the movies. It's act. I didn't realize it was 10.

Dude, it's 10 PM. I go like this. Sunday night. I go like this. Fuck it. I'm going. Called up the homies. Uh, I got, I, I, they, they, they met me there late by the way.

Um, I was like, I'm going to go to the movies. I'm going to go to the movies. called up the homies. I got, they met me there. Late, by the way. Brent and David came. Brent Moran, from my, one of my buddies from the old, you know, Undateable, great stand-up comedian, and David Sullivan, great actor who's fat. And it is...

And we did, we went to the movie, dude, Brent is just like, bro, I don't know if we have enough time though. And I go, I'm going. And he's like, and I'm like, why, by the way, why? There is enough time. The previews are 20 minutes. Dude, have you been to a movie lately? The previews, when they give you a time, I know this is an old, this is already,

this has been this way, but I haven't been to many movies. You don't have to go at the time. Hey movies have a new time. What? You're this is old right? Well what were you saying? I mean for? Oh not me? I thought you said I mean. I thought you were saying something. Oh got it. But have a new... I thought you were saying like a... but have a new actual time, dude. Hey movies, you didn't start then. It's okay if you have two previews, but you didn't, did you?

Hey, dude, it's okay if you have a few previews for some movies coming out, but you didn't, did you, dude? First of all, you got trivia beforehand. And guess what? Got them all. They're the easiest. Dude, it's like Pretty Woman. Who was it?

Angela Lansbury? Julia Roberts? Or Giancarlo Esposito. And you're like, B? And then it's like, Yup! And then you wait for the movie to start. Dude, the movie gets pushed back so fuc- By the time you see Josh Hartnett's face untrapped, you could have seen Pocahontas.

Dude, Pocahontas is one hour and ten minutes. Dude, I know that. Yes! You know why? Because they make cartoons shorter so they can fit more in the day, so they can make more money, and more kids will go to them. Yes, dude! So, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm...

I'm at the theater, I answer all the trivia, and fucking nail it. And by the way, dude, they also have like weird things like interviews with Jeff Daniels about the movie Speed. And you're like, hey... Play Trap. And you're like, hey, play trap. You're like, hey, that movie came out 900 years ago, number one. And number two, interview Keanu Reeves about it. You know, that's one of those movies you watch you go, oh yeah, I guess Jeff Daniels was in that. And then you have no questions for him.

All right? So the movie starts, but oh, but oh, but it doesn't because the lights dim. Oh, okay. So then the pre, oh, by the way, they play the previous with the lights on like a son of a bitch. Like oh, hey, like they're like, yeah, we know. We know it's not the real thing. We'll keep the lights on. You still better have your ante. We're wetting your beak is all we're doing. Yeah, well, we'll start playing some stuff, not the actual thing. The lights, they're gonna stay on.

And then they play, my favorite is, they'll play, first of all, they'll start with just like commercials of,, first of all, they'll start with just like commercials of just, you know what the main subject of a commercial in a movie theater is? A straight up dummy. You know what I mean? Like it'll be a commercial, first of all, for the place that you're already at. They'll be like, come on to Regal Cinemas. And you're like I'm in regal cinemas dude. Yeah, but stay live here Come on down to regal cinemas, and don't forget you can get popcorn and soda and hot dogs and you know

Nacho cheeses and get a VCR while you're we sell VCRs and stickers Stickers of the movie Speed. Jeff Daniel stickers. And you're like, so don't forget, visit the concession stand. And you're like, I already got my shit dude. And I ate it all, because it's been 40 minutes. So anyway, you're watching the, so then the previews start to happen and and then they'll be like three previews of movies like the movie you're seeing which is my chef's kiss or French

kiss honestly it's I'm gonna start doing that it kiss or French kiss. Honestly, it's, I'm going to start doing that. It's a French kiss. So dude, it's, it is dude, because you go, I'm here to see this movie. I like movies like this. So here we go. Here we go. Hollywood, what you got in the pipeline. Alright? And then movies, they start showing you movies.

And this is you in the previews. You go, now you're a little bit steaming mad because of all the stuff that already happened. They're showing you commercials of places that you're already in, you know? It's like they show commercials, hey clothes, buy clothes! And you're like, like I'm in clothes right? I don't need to be targeted for that I have them. So then the and you watch the preview and you and and it's the first time where your anger kind of subsides because you're like all right oh yeah I would see this movie with this movie with Hugh Grant and those two chicks that think that he's gonna kill him and

they're trapped in the house. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Heretic? Yeah. Even though they obviously made this and called it this because of the movie Hereditary and the smash success for it. Okay, I'll watch it. Even though there's also miniatures that he moves around in a dollhouse, in a miniature dollhouse, and even though they did that in also Hereditary, and even though they now do this in the movie Hered yeah yeah sure I'll still see it even though there dude you know what I can't wait till the review of heretic comes out and they say Hugh Grant is delightful if if a movie critic doesn't say Hugh Grant is delightful in the movie, in the movie

heretic, fuck my ass. The guy, the Paul Volter guy, you can do it. Because it will happen, right? Your mom hates it when you leave six half full glasses on your nightstand. It's a good thing mom lives on the other side of the country. And it's an even better thing that you can get six Ikea 365 plus glasses for just 9.99. So go ahead.

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They come in two refreshing flavors, Blackberry Yuzu and Mango Starfruit. Try them today, only at Tim's new Infuser energy beverages, made with natural caffeine. They come in two refreshing flavors, Blackberry Yuzu and Mango Starfruit. Try them today, only at Tim's. At participating Tim's restaurants in Canada for a limited time. It's time for Tim's. I don't like how they, I don't like how actors play delightful villains, you know? I know, I, it's like, dude, no. I want to play play a villain because I don't want to play it delightful. I Either want to play it super fucked up or

crazy delightful Hi, how's it going like that like, like just straight up like what the fuck? Like over board. Like an SNL sketch. No. Like... Yeah, like a fucking Saturday morning cartoon in the 90s. Like, you know what? Like Ace Ventura. And... Just fuck up the whole movie, you know? The director's like, this is not the tone I wanted.

And I was like, that's what you're getting, man. You said delightful. So then you watch the previews. And there's three previews or, or sometimes eight. And what they do is they'll play, however many previews are going to play. They'll play the previews that of the movie, like the movie you want to see. And then the last one will just be some fucking preview of a movie that you would never go see.

And you're like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, go see. And you're like, oh, I would not want to... Come on, get to the movie, you know? Now, you're already... I mean... 25 minutes into the... They said 10-10. The movie, it's 10... 30... 35. And you're like, fuck, I see Josh Hart now. I want to know what the twist is. I'm not going to... You guys, sit down. I don't even know what the twist is until five hours later. 30, 35 and you're like, fuck I see Josh Hart now.

I wanna know what the twist is. I'm not gonna, you guys sit down, I don't even know what the twist is until five hours later. It's gonna be a twist, right? I'm like, Shyamalan, he backed himself in a corner by making twist movies and now he's gonna make a twist, right? You watch a movie, I'm like, Shyamalan does have a twist, you feel gypped, right? So,

now the movie starts. No, no, no, no. Then there's the movie starts. No, no, no, no. Then there's the audacity. But after the preview, there's another regular commercial. And I just go, oh. Then the movie starts, all right? And this is the thing about the movie when it starts. No, there's no company that makes movies anymore. Only companies make movies.

So it's like, it'll be like, it's like that family guy joke when they do it with the, dude, there's so many title screens of production companies and you're like, I don't even give a fuck. Dude, if I was a production company, I'd just be like, get ours off of the front. It's so, there's too many. Just put it at the end.

Have Jeff Bridges say it in the interview when everyone sits down, when they interview him about speed. And so, I watched the movie and it's, let me tell you something, dude. Josh Hartnett is great. He's so good. I didn't know he was good. I've seen him before and stuff.

I've either thought he was okay or like, all right, that was pretty good. But dude, this role he plays is it's well on the stuff I've seen the best he's ever been and he's perfect for it. And he's, he's, I like him now, dude. I didn't not like him, but I really had no opinion on him, but now I like him. I would go see a movie now that he was in again. Uh, he would be a guy who goes to a movie. And there's only a few of those kinds

of guys. And I'm not going to spoil the movie, but was, you know, I've been watching these fucking foreign movies, dude. And I'm not trying to brag or anything, but my comprehension level is just crazy high now because two reasons. Uh, foreign movies, they go for it. They'll just be like straight up the first scene of a movie. Hey, throw a baby off a waterfall and you go, oh, all right. Well, I hope that's the bad part. I wouldn't have watched it if I knew that was the first scene, but now that it's over, it can't be worse than that.

And you watch it and it's not worse than that. That was the worst scene up until the last scene. And then you go, shouldn't have watched it. Okay. So they'll do what they want. So your comprehension level needs to be crazy because they're all like, it's like about, you know, it's always about like humanity, you know, like foreign movies can't make them, they cannot make a movie, a filmmaker that, that doesn't speak droves

about humanity, you know, like it could be a movie about a fucking straight up chair and a bandana and it'll, and at the end you'll be like, we really need to start treating each other better and and and so the comprehension level off the charts bro thank you me you're welcome I've been doing it for us why because I don't want to get Alzheimer's and I don't want to have to play Sudoku they say that's good for it but I don't that's not fun to me so I watch foreign movies and then you have to also read them, okay? So I'm reading them and watching them. So I'm like kind of like, you know,

watching the, this is how I watch the movie, okay, all right, all right, because they're not going to get me to not look at the screen, right, because a lot of people are dumb and they'll just read. They'll just be like, I mean, be like, how's the movie? It movie is great you might as well listen to an audiobook but so I'm I'm I'm doing them I'm both dude I'm oh yeah yeah subtitles but yeah but who is it oh yeah so that's oh yeah but who said it okay cool subtitles but oh but who's okay that was Naomi Watts all right cool sounds good and so I still know Emma Watts, huh? Okay, cool, oh cool. Oh, the subtitles say two different colors.

All right, but one's Emma Watts. Okay, and then one's the other person. One's the other frumpy person that they have to have. They have to have a frumpy person that's also a lead in a foreign movie. So, the actors in foreign movies are frumpy as shit, dude. That you could be the most famous person, you just gotta be so frumpy.

Anyway, my comprehension level is at an all time high because I'm realizing the subtleties and the subtext of the movies and I'm reading it. So I'm getting it from all angles, dude. All right, so don't test me with the comprehension when I watch movies. So I'm watching Trap and it's like American movies are very laid out for you and spelled out like, first of all, the whole movie takes place in a concert.

The fact that like, dude, you just can't hear anyone in a concert. Okay. And they're just like, Hey, how's it going? So, Hey, good. Oh, cool. So anyway, and you're like, ah, not talk louder, bro. You know, and it doesn't need to be real It doesn't need to be real but like he's doing shit like overhearing people nine rows down and you're like what?

Dude, I can't hear my wife That's the end of the sentence and she lives here, okay, yeah like end of the sentence and she lives here okay like so and they do shit where it's like they're it's just so much exposition like you know and it's fine it's fine it doesn't mean it's a bad movie it doesn't you know you can do that and still make a good movie and i'm still watching it. I don't care dude. I mean, you know, I get it so I'm watching the movie and it ends and It it was watchable, you know, but hats off to Josh Hartnett, but my comprehension is just Bro you want somebody to understand something come on over to me, but I'll tell you though Today was a fucking hazy day man because I woke up and I had to go pick up my wife's prescription

And at CVS because I'm nice I'm nice I ran an errand I literally just asked her I said I'm not trying to get credit for it, but I'm like dude wife Do you need anything get to get done and she, but I'm like, dude, wife, do you need anything to get done? And she was like, nah, I mean, I have a prescription. When are you going to get coffee? And I was like, I don't really need coffee. I drank coffee already. And she was like, oh, then you don't have to do it. And I just sat around and kind of hung out with the kids for a little bit.

And I walked back over to her and I was just like, babe, I kind of got nothing to do if you just want me to go get it. And she was like, all right, that'd be nice. Really helpful. So I just went to it. Now, did I go to the wrong pharmacy? Yeah. But it's fine.

Cause it wasn't on the wrong side of town. Oh, it was. Okay. So I went to the Valley at the CVS. Here's what happened. I went to my wife and I said, where is your prescription? She said CVS. And I said, oh, okay.

And I thought it weird because we usually get our prescriptions at Walgreens. Now what I didn't know, even though I did know, right? Because you have to tell guys nine, something nine times. I didn't know she changed her place, even though I did know because I've been there a few times with her, but I wasn't caught up with my mind yet. I wasn't caught up with my memories yet. Okay. Because you have to tell me something nine times.

Now, my wife should know that. Is it her fault? No, fine. It's okay. She said CVS and I say, oh really? She said yeah. And she said this one. I said, oh okay, the one over in Ventura? She said yeah, it's just yada yada. She said yeah, that's all I heard. That's all I heard. She goes yeah, confirmation, Now start thinking about pants or anything else, whatever I want. I already got the confirmation. What she ended up saying was, yeah, the one over in the hum, the one that I wasn't going to, so I go cool. So I go drive over to that one. Yes, it's on the wrong side of town.

And I go, wait a minute. Fuck. I went to the wrong one. Not even going to tell her. I'm not going to tell her because I don Fuck, I went to the wrong one. Not even gonna tell her. I'm not gonna tell her because I don't want her to know I did that. Not because I'm insecure, it's because I don't wanna fucking hear it, you know?

So I go to another one, the one on the right side of town, the CVS that now I know she goes to in the area that she goes to it. And I go there and I'm waiting in line. There's a long line. Now I'm pissed, I'm pissed because there's a long line, but I'm also pissed because I already went to the wrong one. So I'm like, man, I wasted a lot of time.

Now I gotta waste in this line. I wouldn't have been made this line wasn't here an hour ago when I went to the wrong one. So I get there, I roll up, dude. And she says, date of birth. I give her the date of birth. Hmm. And I go, no, birth, I give her the date of birth. Hmm, and I go, no.

No, have it. She says, not here, and I say, really? She says, yep, try the name. She goes, nope. I say, try my name. She says, nope. I say, hmm, and look up. I'm at a Rite Aid.

up I'm at a Rite Aid. Alright, yes! Dude, now it's beyond mad. It's, you know what? I skipped mad. I just go like this. Jesus. Jesus, the Lord Almighty, hey life, hey universe, you had other plans for me today. Let's just go to the CVS that I, so I text her, I got, I fucked all the day up, babe. Babe, I fucked the day all up.

I went to the wrong ones. She goes, huh? You've been there with me, and I say, I know. I'll go, she says, skip it, doesn't matter. I said, nah, I'll go get it. So I went to it, and't matter. I said, nah, I'll go get it. So I went to it and the guy was like, hey, here for pickup? And I was like, yeah.

Date of birth? Fuck, I just gave it to him. Because I didn't know it the first two times. I don't know when my wife was born, I forgot. I texted her in the meantime and she told me. I know now, right? But I'll forget it again. And I'll also forget the same pharmacy, dude.

I'll just be driving around, wondering where my wife's prescription is, wondering where she's, when she was born. Dude, so I get there and he's like, all right. And I take my credit card out to pay for it, and then I put it back in my wallet, because I don't know why. And then the guy says, all right,

and then so I take, oh wait, I didn't pay yet, I take credit card out again, and then I go, oh wait, it probably has auto pay, I put it back in, and the guy says, all right, cool, that's 35 bucks, and I go, oh, I gotta pay for it. I took my credit card out again, three times, and then left CBS. And then I'm just like, I think I have to start playing Sudoku. Like, what?

What is going on, dude? And I'm just like like driving all over creation, taking out credit cards for no reason. Just like a, you know who I am? I'm a guy in a commercial in front of the fucking movie previews. Just a dumb, dumb idiot that's like, um, okay, well I'll get, hmm, jujubes and,

roll out of jujubes. What? I'm that guy. That's who I am. That's why they make those commercials. I'm just a dumb dummy, you know? Whatever, dude. My dick would have knocked over that pole too.

Sensational. sensational Um I'm so hungry, but i'm just like whatever you know, um Let's see here what else was the thing that I even Oh, dude that I forgot to say the the guy who. So we said to my mom. Yeah, the guy's. Penis ruined him his chance at getting a medal in the Olympics in the pole vault, she said, what?

I said, yeah, I said, you didn't hear this? And she says, no. I said, wow, how didn't you hear this? She said, wow. His penis? And I said, yeah, it knocked the pole off. So she says, oh. And then we do other stuff.

We're just playing with the kids, my dad, my mom, you know, we're just like goofing around having a good time. 25 minutes later, my mom just looking at her phone says, Oh, I thought his dick was out. And I'm like, did you just Google the Olympic guy? And she was like, yeah, I thought so. Okay. Okay. I thought it was out. And I'm like, Ma, you did? What about how they have leotards, dude? And also, what?

You would have heard about if his dick... was out. Anyway. Summer is like a cocktail. It has to be mixed just right. Start with a handful of great friends. Now add your favorite music. And then, finally, add Bacardi Rum. Shake it together. And there you have it. The perfect summer mix. Bacardi. Do what moves you. Live passionately.

Drink responsibly. Copyright 2024. Bacardi. Its trade dress and the bat device are trademarks of Bacardi and Company Limited. Rum 40% alcohol by volume. This episode is brought to you by LEGO Fortnite. LEGO Fortnite is the ultimate survival crafting game found within Fortnite. It's not just Fortnite Battle Royale with minifigures. It's an entirely new experience that combines the best of LEGO Play and Fortnite. Created to give players of all ages,

including kids and families, a safe digital space to play in. Download Fortnite on consoles, PC, cloud services, or Android and play LEGO Fortnite for free. Rated ESRB E10+. Um, pole vault's a weird thing. There's a lot of events in the Olympics that just shouldn't be there anymore, you know? I'm not saying like shot put dude, the ultimate strength of man. Like, is it though? How about pushing trucks now?

Everyone's crushing over this Olympic Swedish pole vaulter, Mondo Duplantis. Um, yeah, he's got that rat face that everyone's starting to like, you know, in, uh, Hollywood, uh, what is it? Mouse face or whatever. Mondo Duplantis sounds like a, uh, uh, uh, uh, fucking sounds like botany. You can't go in here or you'll die. It sounds like a poisonous like, yeah. Oh dude, don't go, don't take that trailer. It has a bunch of Mondo Duplantis on it.

You'll get, you'll, and don't definitely, definitely a hundred percent wear pants if you're going to go, because if it, if it touches your, your leg, you've got, you've got 35 seconds to get to a doctor. You got 35 seconds to drive to the hospital. Rogan special came out and I'm happy about it, you know, and then I like uh, hospital. Rogan special came out and I'm happy about it. You know, and then I love like, it's so crazy how like, obviously we know there's, we know obviously I, you know, I didn't, I honestly haven't seen the reviews.

I know that the media is just going to tear it apart because it's Joe Rogan and he's anti-woke and,, um, there, there are one thing that they always go to is like, Hey, this is, I saw somebody saying it and they were like, this is a hack hack hackie. This is a hack or whatever the joke was. And I was like, all right, let me watch this clip. And it was straight up just not hacky. You know, it was just, you didn't like his, oh, it was the, you know what it was?

The Michelle Obama thing about how she, no, this is what they did. They took it out of context. They were like, oh, look, he's promoting the fact that Michelle Obama has a penis. And then I watched the clip and I watched the clip that they post and they ended it before he says, I don't actually think Michelle Obama has a penis.

But everything else I said, I think is true, which is the joke. And they said, oh, they were like, oh, he's perpetuating this misinformation that now Michelle Obama has been his whole point was that he doesn't believe in that. I, the media is so terrible, dude. And no people with an agenda, dude, this, I don't even know if this was the media. It was some guy writing about it and on Twitter and he said this and I was like, dude, you cut before the joke ends. It's horrible.

The one thing that they have is it's hacked. Like, like super woke people even know what is hack. They're so up their own ass. Um, anyway, I love how everyone I love how everyone calls porn corn. Speaking of corn. So good smelling, one of the best smells I know from food. It smells sweet, edible and waxy. I would say it like that.

Edible and waxy. I would say edible and waxy. Nice. So in America I wanted to try a good dose of corn. Oh the end. Oh the end. Oh the end. Oh the end was great. He tried to slide up and keep the camera on the corn. Oh also so much corn, dude. You know, you're alone. Smell of corn. So this is... Arnold Schwarzenegger. So good smelling.

One of the best smells I know from... Also corn is the best smells? Like I, I wouldn't even think the smell is that strong. Like he, dude, the guy's got honestly 12 corns food. It smells sweet. Steam coming out and next to an office chair, dude, he's got an office chair next to it, like on the ground, you see the office chair wheels and his corns on the ground edible they put it on a table dude dude his lamp is on the

ground the short a short waxy I would say edible and waxy dude imagine they're good hey how's the corn at this restaurant edible and waxy ooh yum so in America I wanted to try a good dose of coin. Dose. I mean, that movie is incredible. Even Scorsese got to be like, well, that was incredible with the way he moved it. The Jeremy Fragrance is all right. He's all right. He's not one of my faves, but everyone always sends me him. Oh This is hilarious

Well, this is this is a J Cole, okay, this is family food obviously saying J Cole to this is not, you're not, I, he's got an argument for greatest of all time. I'm not saying he's not. Who am I to say? And J. Cole is great. He's a little young to be called greatest of all time. This guy should know he's too young and who they asked to who they asked.

Uh, their opinions, right? Cause they asked like a hundred people and they take them. They're not going to say J Cole, dude. They're asking tourists. All right. They think J Cole is literally Jay Z too. Audience claps. Props.

Knew it. I haven't seen this yet, by the way. No, no, no, no, no. That's not gonna be. Nobody's going to know. They asked, they asked people who only eat bagels and fucking pancakes It won't be there No, you know, am I in it am I?

Dumb for this because I know who they're I know There's one there's one that that might be on there because he's old enough. Oh, okay. There we go. Wow. That white shirt. So what? Yes. Who is the greatest rapper of all time? It's funny if you're black, because you can't,

you have to be like a guy that's like, actually, you can't, I know that number one's gotta be like fucking Snoop Dogg or something, but you can't say that as a black guy? Dude, you can't. You have to say somebody like Kendrick Lamar. Let's go with Biggie. But that's not number one.

It won't be number one. Seventy. Who's greatest rapper of all time? Jay-Z. Number one. Won't be number one. It'll be up there. Oh, wow.

Eight? Wow. Okay. So Eminem is going to be up there. Oh, wow. Eight? Wow. Okay. So Eminem is going to be on it. Snoop Dogg is going to be on it. Uh, I want to say that maybe even honestly, cause I'm trying to think of who they asked. I want to say that maybe even honestly, Dr. Dre will be on there and he's not like barely a rapper

Like I don't think Nas will be on there he might be Tori who's the greatest rapper of all time? Nas won't be on there. Nas? Nah, it's not gonna be on there and that's a shame Knew it. Who was number one? Do you know? This is hilarious.

Oh, fuck. We got to know who number. It was Snoop? It was Snoop. I knew it. Wow, dude. Eminem was, uh, yeah, it's just, oh wow. What a flow writer was on there.

Okay. Um, well, no, Dr. Dre. Yeah. See old guys, I would think that would, cause they had to have been around so much that everybody's heard of them. It can't be Kendrick Lamar or J. Cole.

They're, they're also too young. They really are too young to be the greatest of all time. They have a lot of albums left. If they make five dumb albums, then they're not the greatest of all time. Um, I'm more than five albums. Maybe I don't know. Oh dude, what was the thing I looked up the other day? Hold on.

It's so funny. Ah, where did I put it? I think I put it here. The guy that I wake up and my cousins, I have a text chain with my cousins. That's like, honestly, I'll wake up because my, my cousin's a farmer. He's a farmer, like on the East coast. So he wakes up like at 2 a.m.

my time or more earlier than that, which is great. Cause I'm a text and fool at when I am just whoever's up. Comedians are up, but also farmers are up on the East coast. So, um, I texted them this, but I'll, I'll wake up. I'll have straight up, honestly, 250 text messages from them. So I'm like, what did I miss? Another one's a teacher. So he has to get up early.

And then I have a brother who like wakes up every two hours and just like, well, like look, like just be up for an hour and then go back to sleep. My brother sleeps like intermittently. Anyway, I sent them this. Dude. That's my new favorite rapper. It is seffy seff on Instagram. Oh, actually, is this the guy or is it just posting? No, this is him.

Oh, this is him. Oh, gotta send this to my br- my- My chest has too much gat. Skippityyyyyyyyy the cut it ends at skip it dude dude What's not fair? Just rhyming shit? I was in a nightmare but then I woke up I realized I wasn't because I spent ten thousand dollars on jewelry that I wear I'm from the street, it's not fair. Cramming so many words into do bars.

Sometimes I feel like I'd be living in a nightmare, but then I remember I spent $10,000 on some jewelry to wear. I'm from the street, no fair. It's not fair. Whoops, so British. I mean, that was the most British thing of all time thing I just scrolled to it. Stop what you're doing and listen because guys I have got a massive opportunity which is gonna be dude I'm sorry but when British people it's all fine until they do something like opportunity it's like the word stopped and they started it again in the middle

Opportunity um hold on let's look at more this guy's clips That's skivvy one was crazy, dude. I gotta show Calvin. Oh That's the same one Oh, that's actually fine. I'm not missing a laugh. So insane. Sensei! Oh, so insecure the scream, dude! Ah, stub this toe. Stub this toe. I mean Playboy Cardi, back off, this is my protein. I mean, hey.

Hey guy, Playboy Cardi doesn't want your protein. Also, so gay. 22 pounds of protein. If you ever see me fighting a shark in the middle of the ocean, help the shark. Stop the stop. Stop the stop. 22 pounds of protein stop this toe dude keep stopping his toe It's time to tell! Dude.

Ben Carson back up. Ben Carson back up, you know? You ever see me fighting a shark in the middle of the ocean? Help the shark! Tried to... Oh, that first one was great. Tried to put his penis into a woman and it bent backwards. Bro, that guy's wild!

Wow. Anyway, that's it for the episode. If you want to watch the rest of the episode, the uncut, the unedited episode, sign up for the Patreon, patreon.com slash Chris D'Alea, and you will also get all the other episodes that are locked for the general public. You get that just six bucks a month, and there's like 40 episodes of those now. So they just unlock them immediately. So get that and also you support the show