Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 396. Walk Into The Sea

Episode Date: August 15, 2024

😮 Get a shoutout on this show at holler.baby/chrisdelia 🎤 MY SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is here: chrisdelia.com/god 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. This week the Olympics are over. Chris covers Tom Cruise's love of falling, the break dancer of 2024, male boot camps and much much more. 'Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/chrisdelialive 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Hey guys, what's up and welcome to the episode, I think, 3.6 of Congratulations. That's it. Player, player, player, player. No diggity. Player, player, player, player. Remember that? Brum brum brum brum brum brum brum. Mm-hmm. No diggity, dude.

Congratulations, yay! It is a, the Olympics are over. They did it, the Olympics are over. Yay, it is over and you know it's over because Tom Cruise jumped off the stadium. They had a ending ceremony, which I guess they do every time. And in the ending ceremony, Tom Cruise jumped off of the stadium that everyone is in it was in because of course he did because he's Tom Cruise because he

tries to jump off of, I feel like Tom Cruise tries to jump off a building every chance he can get. I think that he only does franchises where he's like, well, how many times can I jump off a building though? Like he, can I ride, look, ride a bike off a cliff, same thing, I wanna go from a high area to a not high area and I wanna do it myself. I don't want it to be a guy that looks like me.

And so Tom Cruise does a lot of jumping and it's because I mean, at what, you know, it, it's the version of what Jeff Bezos is doing, going outer space. You know, it's just, I got so much money. I've done everything now. Let me almost die. Like I'm like the guy, the rich guy who went down into the, look at the Titanic and it concave and his insides came outside. That's, that's just, you know, you do risky stuff because you feel like, because if

you're like me, if you're like me, you feel like anything good yet, you don't deserve it. And so you have to write. Yeah. And that's something that we all kind of live with deep down from childhood or something like that. I don't know what that is, but, um, I always feel like the other shoe is going to drop no matter what it is. But, uh, yeah. So Tom Cruise jumps off of a building because of course he does. And, um, I'm surprised he hasn't done a movie just called building jumper at

this point, honestly, Or The Way Down. Or no, he should have done a movie called Wee. Brrrr. This August. Brrrr. Tom Cruise. In. Weeeeee. So, yeah, so the Olympics is over. Tom Cruise jumped off the stairs. What kind of life these guys live, you know? Like just who got in touch with who in that situation? Is, is, are the, are, are, are the, is, is Tom,

is Tom Cruise just like, hey, this is probably a good moment where I could jump off a building, right? It's the end of some and it's a huge thing. Only I was there for a year. I didn't jump off. Or is it the friends could jump off a building, right? It's the end of some and it's a huge thing. Only if it's a four year, I can jump off a building. Or is it the French in the city like, ah, but of course we can do.

What can we do? We can have, have you ever seen a Tom Cruise movie? Yes, we could have him, you know, at the end just jump off the Stadium and then this way has a bot of calls You know Dude how nice were they to him when they were like getting when when he was like Climbing up top, you know the people roping him in and all that shit How nice was everybody to him, you know, just kissing his ass and all that. But he's Tom Cruise, of course. And so the Olympics are over.

Now, I feel like this world, in this world, things start happening. Not only does technology get better and better at an exponential rate, if you've seen AI over the past three years has been insane. Like it went from the avocado chair, remember that, to just straight up a person that might be alive. It's a picture of an avocado chair. You say, hey, the first thing on an AI, I was like, hey, can you make an avocado chair? And it was like a cartoon avocado chair. And now you could just be like, lady doing a Ted talk about fucking bees.

And then it's just a lady talking at it. And then you're like, that's kind of an, and you, and it's so real because it's like, it's, she's kind of attractive, but not really like they didn't make, like even AI knows not to make her the bomb, you know, like even AI knows to make her a little, a little frumpy, right? Like not like she might be dope, but she'll, you know, have bad posture. AI is just in the background, just like, no, make them smaller. Haunch her. Ya ya ya. Haunch her. Blemish, add blemishes.. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like dude, it's, it's, it's wild long way from avocado chair, huh? Suckers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, I can't,

in three years, they went from a cartoon avocado chair to this woman. Okay. There it's on the screen and it's just crazy in three years dude. It's gonna be so They should just make the bomb people the most Attractive people. I don't when I go to a movie, you know what I was watching the Planet of the Apes movie the new one Kingdom of the Kingdom of the universe of the town of the state of the planet of the Apes and of the Kingdom of the Universe of the town of the state of the Planet of the Apes and just too many of those in that movie title, you know, just kingdom of the Apes is fine. Hey, dude, I fixed it.

Hey, I fixed it. How about just this? The Apes fixed it. The Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes is such a, it's such a fuck you audience. Will it's such a pretentious title. And, uh, the guy who plays the main ape in that movie, no, not, not the good guy, the bad, the main bad, bad ape is the guy that I went on a hike with in, uh, uh, whatever the hike is in LA Runyon, where I, take off my pants, run into a bush and shit and I shit on the side of the trail.

And he was with me. The main bad ape in that. How hilarious is that? So we're both a little bit like apes if you think about it. I mean, he played one and he was very believable. And then me, I mean, that's what apes do. They just kind of shit near a bush. And so anyway, I'm watching Kingdom of the pla- Kevin Durant is his

name, not the basketball player. Um, how crazy is it that there's an actor, Kevin Durant, and a basketball star, Kevin Durant, and then there's also Michael Jordan and Michael B. Jordan. Like, to end Michael B Jordan like and we're not living in the matrix do you know what I mean like they're like how is it it's like they're just reusing people out there their names it's like a video game with two men it's like you know that video game of it with the Asian that the Asians tried to make and they're like make it sound English and it's like you know Phil up Chuck is the name you're like that's not a name dude how is Michael Jordan and Michael B Jordan exists and then also Kevin Durant and Kevin Durant that makes that's crazy so but that's true

and so I watched upon the apes and I'm like, you know, they have like that, that, that the woman in it, um, who plays the, the woman who I've never seen before is a very, you know, they always get these pretty people to play these roles and it's like, you know, you go back and forth and you're like, this is so silly. I don't, this is so ridiculous. Like she, come on, man, she's doing all this, but then you're like, well, the movie's about talking apes. So you're like, okay, well,. I don't, this is so ridiculous. Like she, come on man, she's doing all this. But then you're like, well, the movies are about talking apes.

So you're like, okay, well, that's not the unbelievable part about it. So, uh, and it's like, just get the prettiest, best looking people in the movies. I don't like, I want to, I want to watch them, you know, or interesting looking. I would not want to watch them, you know, or interesting looking. I never want somebody just average in a like, like Kenneth Branagh, get him the fuck out of any movie. You know what I mean? He's great. Oh, dude, the guy can act circles around many, many legends.

Hey, dude, he's got no upper lip and he's fine looking. Get the fuck out right he's not bad-looking you know what he looks like oh I forget he's got what kind of what does he look like who is it that that's how he looks that guy get him out get him out you know there's people who can eat by like Kevin Bacon he can be in it. He can be in Hollywood and then obviously the obvious people were good George Clooney Brad Pitt and Then the people who are interestingly weirdly ugly looking like Paul Giamatti, but hey Kenneth Brana

Take a fucking hike dude If you came in and robbed the liquor store and every and then left with no mask on and the cop came in and robbed a liquor store and then left with no mask on and the cop came in and was like, hey, so who did it? You'd be like, I don't know, I don't know. I actually don't know. Well, what'd he look like? I don't know, he looks like an actor

that would be good at like Shakespeare or some shit. And then that would be what they go with. That would be what they would go off of. So only put the best looking people in there. So, so AI is going to piss me off when they don't have the best looking people do the movies, right? When they start making people that are just like average dude, AI you've done it. average dude AI you've done it make the people make the men that make me jealous and make the women that make me go boy yo yoing make the women that make me go bracka cack cack and the men I got man crushes on I don't want to see

hunched over blemish you know why is there a pillow here I want to see hunched over blemish, you know, why is there a pillow here? I want to see just great like dudes with chiseled jaws always squinting women with nice hourglass figures huge round ones just AI just get us used to it dude get us used to it so we never want to go out in public and see these ugly fucking trolls I don't want anyone even looking at me and I think I'm alright looking but I want people to be like yeah yeah I want AI to get so good and make the people so the bomb diggity that when I walk out I notice how good AI is getting. Cause everyone's looking at me going like this. Yeah.

Um, so anyway, uh, I don't even know why I started talking about AI because I meant to start talking about the, uh, the, the woman, the break dancer in the Olympics whoops whoops whoops whoops she was in it dude hey whoops she was in the Olympics whoops I was in the Olympics what whoops I was you know that that old TV movie one day I woke up pregnant one day I woke up in the Olympics. Dude hey honestly for real the the different I don't here's it here's. Don't just, I went on her Instagram page. It's like she has revamped the Third Reich, how people are treating her.

It's like she just wrote Mein Kampf II, T.O.O. You know? They're just, you son of a bitch. People in the comments, you suck. You took someone's spot. You should feel real good about yourself. You piece of shit, you know, just like it's, Hey dude, it's just a lady trying to dance, you know, and Hey, Oh, and reminder, it's the stupidest dance. Hey reminder, dude, it's,'s it's you know what I mean it's the stupidest day do you know I mean shunk

sugar drunk sugar drunk donk and I can't feel you hang. Dude, just, but anyway, she is so bad. Like let's just talk, it's objectively bad. She's like doing like kangaroo shits like this, you know? And she came in 16th naturally, out of 16th. And the judges gave her zero, okay. Worst score of the Olympics, you know? like if you could be in the biathlon, not stop skiing and by mistake, shoot your head off and still get a higher score. Whoa, whoops, missed the stop.

Oh, whoa, whoa. Oh, I got a one. But the Australian with a PhD in breakdancing go fuck yourself, you know? You know what you should only have a PhD in? Being a doctor. I don't, you know, when people are like, I have a PhD in animal studies, I'll do it. Walk into the sea. We don't need it

You know, you know about animals and that's great. I got a PhD in 1800 1800 Traditional French music walk Into the sea. Yeah. So, uh, so anyway, I get all wet in there. So anyway, um, the, uh, so she was break dancing and dude, she started and it was like, this is bad. Okay. And I go, it's objectively bad, you know, don't do kangaroo hopping in a breakdancing thing at all, especially if you're white, especially if you're a

white woman, you're going to get made fun of. Now. My friend texted me today that was like, did you hear that Australian breakdancer girl just did it as a joke to troll everyone because she wanted to get a free trip? And I'm like, what in the Kevin James movie? Like it's a fucking, it's the Olympics. How does that work? People, there are people out there that that's what they're saying. Like she was jo she was trolling. She just want a free trip, you know, uh, and to get funded and like,

that's like a fucking Adam Sandler movie. Like, how does that happen? Like, dude, but no, I don't believe that. I don't believe that. Cause it's still the Olympics. It's still, you have to still be good. Could you imagine, you know, it's like it's like Kevin James like wow Yeah, let's try for the Olympics. I got drunk He got drunk one night and auditioned for the Olympics and then the next day Steven Root calls him you made it What about you got and you know he's doing his stupid shit on our way to Paris.

More bread for you, sir. On the fucking like just the worst jokes. Uh, that's a Kevin James movie. It's a fucking, you know, it's like that, that didn't happen. But, but what I want to know is I guess they're being like investigated to how she the, dude, it's so funny. And she has a PhD. Here's how you know someone's bad at breakdancing. They have a PhD in breakdancing. Walk into the city. Right? Make an agree. Get your knees all wet and hang out there for 25 minutes, right? And just

fucking, right? Let people take pictures of you online and shame you? Right. But man, that was some bad breakdancing, dude. Dude, my favorite, my favorite thing that I keep seeing people post about it. My favorite thing is when they go is, is when they, their poster doing the um, breakdancing and it's over the song that Peter Griffin does where it goes. Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na Remember that Trump, they tried to assassinate him, yeah. And it's like, that went away, and now there's just the break dancer, and that's gonna go away, and then there was Haq Tua,

and that went away. She's holding on strong, though. She said that thing the other day that was funny, I can't remember what it is, but it's just like... I love how everyone, there are also people who are... If something gets big enough in the news, there is a version of people that are just gonna say, and you know it's also racist, you know?

Like with the Australian lady just dumb dancing, they're like, and not to mention how, it got so big that people were like, and not to mention how racist it is, you know? It's so, so crazy. Uh, so Trump got, that was a month ago yesterday or today or something. Um, hope he's healing up from that. You know, I never want anybody to get shot. I never want anybody to get shot.

Um, it's so funny that breakdancing was already, they go, ah, psych. Not for, not, they're not doing it in 2028. Dude, that lady did it so, so bad that they go, ah, I can't bring this back. This year was like, finally breakdancing in the, finally they get represented and they've done so much and finally, and then, oh, here goes the teacher from Australia. Oh, fuck. Nevermind. Oh, breakdancing is not going to be in it for the 2028. All good.

And then another, hey, hey, hey, hey, dude, there's flag football in it. You know, Hey, Hey, update it. Hey dude, dude, know, Hey, Hey, update it. Hey dude, dude, when I see, Hey, update it better. You know, dude, all the Olympics, you know what it needs an update. It needs fucking snow leopard. You know, The fucking, like, I'm sorry, but like,

running with a long pole, you know? Like, let me describe this. Hey, hey, we're gonna do pole vaulting. Oh, well, imagine when it came out. What is that? Okay, so check this out. out. What is that? Okay. So check this out. We're so a poll that's long. And the guys this long. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, like a long one, like this long.

No, dude, you're not thinking right. It's gotta be too long. What do you mean? Like this long, like as big as my body, my wingspan, dude, no, you're frustrating me, man. It has to be even bigger than that. Like twice my size, dude, you're pissing me off. And they're like, dude, it's going to be all floppy. And they're like, exactly.

It's gotta be long. So, so long to where if it hit the ground while you were running by mistake, you'd completely obliterate yourself, you'd hurt yourself beyond belief. Okay. And it's going to be so long that it's floppy and okay. And then, so what you race with it? No race with it.

Uh, no. Now check this out. There's a bar, right? And they go, like a bar? Like what do you mean? Like a bar like in the air? Yeah, like a bar you jump over. And they go, oh shit, okay. Uh, all right, so what's that like? Knee height? And they go, no dude, it's bigger than that. It's taller, more in the air. Oh, chest height? Dude, you're really starting to piss me off. Why don't you just let me say how big it is? And they go, well, certainly it's a little bit over your head.

No, dude. You're making me angry. It needs to be the size of a building that the animals from the video game Rampage would go up. Uh, okay. Yeah. And then run full speed. Run full speed.

Run full speed. Run full speed. Run full speed. Run full speed. Run full speed. Run full speed. Run full speed. Run full speed.

Run full speed. Run full speed. Run full speed. Run full speed. Run full speed. Run full speed. the animals from the video game Rampage would go up. Uh, okay. Yeah. And then run full speed with the dangerous floppy big ass thing. That's way too big. And you got to get as soon as you run into that area where the bar is, you, you jab the fucking sharp thing into the, now you jab it into, now here's the greatest part about this, is it's very hard, okay?

It's very hard, it's very unnecessary to do, you don't ever need to pole vault, you know? And you then, you dig it into the ground and you fling yourself up over the bar. And whoever can do it the highest wins. Now here's the best part. You're going to hurt yourself so bad for seven years trying, and then you're going to win by an inch, you know what I'm talking about?

And they go, and then, and then the 10 people he said to go like this. Well, that's gotta be in the fucking the Olympics. What is it, dude? It's like they were just stoned. Oh, give him a thing. Make it too long. No, not make it even longer, dude. Not way longer, man.

And then they woke up the next day and they're like, what the fuck? How long did we make this? It's gotta be bendy, dude. And so, but like, like take that out, take that out, take fucking, uh, uh, uh, breakdancing should have never been in it, but that's way better than, you know, the other... Shot put. Get it out! Hey, anytime dudes are spinning around, get it... that's... get it out. Update it, dude.

The javelin throw? Too basic. Update it. Make it... you know what you put in the Olympics, dude? Hey, judo. Get it out. You know what you put in there? Jiu-jitsu? You put football, you keep basketball in it, you have tennis in it, and then you go home! It's five events! You don't get cute with it, there's like surfing and shit, fucking get out, dude! You go do tennis, you do baseball, basketball, football, rugby, uh, uh, you know, what the fuck, fencing, put your swords back, go home. And then you go, you go home, dude.

Shot put. Just big fat guys throwing a fucking weight around, you know? So they added flag football. Like for what what dude? To do, for who? 50 year olds? Like, no, and it's for guys just out of college that are still living at home that went back to their hometown. Everybody that left and went to UC Davis or Villanova and then moved

back to where they're from and they play flag football for the Olympics. That's for America. We've got Jeff, Steve, Mark, David Terrence, and they're just our flag football team. They're guys who went to different colleges and then moved back to their hometown. They have no business in the Olympics, just like flag football. Here we go. Oh, his knee popped. Okay, he's out. All right, the game's over. Um, but anyway, uh,

it's so funny. Breakdancing is just gone. Well, with the, uh, yeah, all right, whatever. Who cares. Hey, just want to take a break and let you know I will be in Texas this weekend, Wichita, Kansas this weekend, Oxnard, California. I'll be there later on in this week, this month. And then I got some bunch of other dates in Texas, ChrisLee.com. I just added Toronto. Everyone's been on me for Toronto. It's been, I have not played Toronto proper in a very long time.

I'm playing a lot of outskirts of Toronto. This is all new material. If you have come to one of those spots, this is all new. This is a new, this is straight out of the multiverse, Crystal Lea, this is a new hour that I'm doing. Come to Toronto, it's on sale now. Get the good tickets, that will sell out. Toronto is a great market.

So I will be there. And Bismarck, North Dakota, never been there, course. And I'm coming there. So go to chrisley.com. Lexington, Kentucky, Thunder Bay, Duluth, Minnesota, London, Ontario, Peterborough, Ontario. Go to chrisley.com and get those tickets. Now, back to the show.

Bro, is Kevin Sorbo real? It, he's saying so many things on Twitter that are like, when it, when it, when it, when it, when it comes right down to it on paper, it's something that looks way overboard and is way racist, but also doesn't mean he's racist. You know what I'm talking about? And it's Twitter and he's just writing. Dude, it's so funny that, isn't he Krull?

Wasn't he fucking, what was the other one that he was the big one? Hercules and Krull the Conqueror. Dude, how about the fact that he was Hercules and Krull the Conqueror? Well, it would get a clue. Um, so Kevin Sorbo tweets, just like some guy in like Oklahoma, if Kamala really is black, have her say the N word, let the people decide for themselves. Now that could be just a joke. It doesn't mean he's racist.

It's certainly, it's certainly going to get some people thinking, well, that's racist. Okay. So Leslie 007, whoever that is decided to, she's a verified account decided to reply, what the fuck she's half Jamaican and half Indian that makes her biracial. She is both your request to have her biracial. She is both. Your request to have her say the N word is disgusting and weird. And then Tarnished37, that has no avatar and is not verified, replied to her with,

shut up, bitch. So that's pretty much the country, honestly, in a nutshell, is a celebrity saying something, another random person saying, Hey, you can't say that. And then somebody who is anonymous telling that person to shut up and then calling them like using a defamatory remark. I mean, it's so funny how like Elon Musk is just like, yeah, free speech and yeah, free speech, but also the mental, just social media is the thing that exposed how many people have, uh, I mean, severe mental illnesses, you know, it's not because you have a Twitter account that you're crazy and you shouldn't not have a Twitter. that you're crazy and you shouldn't not have a Twitter. It's, it's the fact that people are like, honestly read anything that anyone says and take it with any sort of meaning.

Kevin Sorbo or not from Kevin Sorbo to tarnished 37 they could both be the great two they could literally be the two crazy people on the planet you don't know you don't know Kevin Sorbo could be a step away from yelling out you know on the street corner of Hollywood and Highland a matter of fact Tarnished 37 could be Kevin Sorba. You know what I mean? Like the fact that anybody believes or takes stake in anything anybody says online is absolute bonkers to me. I catch myself too.

I'll read it. I'm like, I'm, sometimes I'm reading shit. People are saying, I don't even know who the person is. And I go, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. What the fuck?

But then I go, wait a minute, me hold on. You're getting tricked just because you're reading this. Doesn't mean it's true. Just cause someone typed this doesn't mean that person Doesn't have retardation right and there's nothing wrong with that But you got to understand where it's coming from This guy Scott Adams says who is this guy by the way The Dilbert guy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah the guy who got they go. Hey, hey no more Dilbert guy, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy who got, they go, hey, no more Dilbert.

The guy just goes, what did he say? I forget what he says. He was like, something about Asians or some shit. He's just like, fuck it, fuck this shit. Whatever he said. Whatever he said, everyone called him a Nazi for it. You definitely know that happened, you know? We're at the stage now where you can park wrong

and people are like, well, you're trying to, you're part of the Third, right? That's why. And so Scott Adams is the guy who created Dilbert and they, they, he said something on Twitter and they were like, yo, no more Dilbert, which they should have said, let's face it 40 years ago. Only because of how regular and basic Dilbert is the, uh, Kenneth Branagh of comic strips, dude. Hey, how about this? How about this? Comic strips.

That's as outdated as the fucking shot put. All right. So, and I don't, I, I you know Scott Adams should be able to say this a hundred times. You shouldn't have to you just everyone please understand hey the fact that he said this doesn't matter. I'm still on do me. Dude, he said this. Women don't are, dude he's a cartoonist, you know. That's hilarious. He said, women, women, first of all, starting a tweet as a guy with women, you're, you're fucked.

Right? Because immediately you get, you get women saying, well, okay, let's see, how do you know? Right? Which I don't, I believe he get people you get women saying well, okay, let's see. How do you know, right? Which I don't I believe he can you can know even though People think you can't he says women don't understand that the Civil War already started men live in a continuous state of violence We size up every threat and have a tentative plan to kill it first. We live That war and it never stops You made Dilbert

Hey guy imagine this shit women don't understand civil war we started men living to a state of violence We size up every threat and have a tentative plan to kill it first. We live in that war and it never stops. Anyway. Anyway, Thought Bubble. Hey, Dilbert. Dilbert. Insane, dude.

Everyone's so insane. I love it. They got Joe Rogan walking back. I guess he said RFK, yay, but he's been saying RFK. He said it a while ago. And then people are like, MAGA people are coming after him and he's like, well, no, that's not necessarily RFK MAGA went nuts on him

I Don't know what's gonna happen if Trump loses, you know, I don't I don't know. I don't know what's gonna happen. I don't know who's gonna win but my gosh We are in I'll tell you what, we're in for it. It's going to be very confusing. No matter what, there's going to be problems, right? Some is going to burn down some stuff, people are going to die. That's crazy. But at least there's whole foods, you know, you can go get some stupid salad

and make it all better for a little bit. That isn't even good. That cost $36. You can go to Arowan, you know, um, dude, Kroll the Conqueror. Let's do this. Guys, it's welcome to the most fucked up TikTok of the week. Uh oh. The most fucked up TikTok. The most fucked up TikTok. The most fucked up TikTok.

Uh oh. All right, here we have it. This guy who is an absolute cartoon called Lucas Poppin, he's basically Johnny Bravo. Here we go. I'm gonna die when he's 32. Dude, it's unbelievable. Every song is the same now. Every song is that song. Every song is just... Every song I hear. I listen to Danny Goh now.

Danny Goh is on YouTube. And he's just... I mean... You know what Danny Goh is like? I don't know if you guys know who Danny Goh is. You probably do. He's very six... He's a very busy YouTuber and it's for kids. And hey, I got a four and a half year old and a one year old and they both are mesmerized by him. So he's getting...

Dude, if you can get one to five? Oh shit, dude. I mean... Dude, if you can get one to five? Oh shit, dude. I mean. If you can get one to five, dude? Honestly, if you can get one to five. If you can get one, my son, dude, now Billy is just like, uh, duh, duh, pointing to the TV he wants, like he's Nell, duh, like he's, uh, well he wants to watch Danny Go, that's what he says, Danny Go, and Danny Go, just 85 billion views, and dude, it's just, and

I'm like, oh you want to watch Dannyh? And he's just like, duh! And then Calvin's all just like, hell yes. And I mean, the guy's got, he's gotta be rolling it. Danny Goh is the kind of guy that watched Blippi and goes like this. You're a fucking fruitcake, dude. I got this from here on out. And he put on an aviator cap and just the music that the guy does. I'm telling you right now, I'll listen to it in my car.

It's like, uh, about, you know, take out the trash, move in the trash can. And you're just killing it. Dino, dino movement, Dino movements. And you're just fucking Danny Goh, you go, yes. And I almost bought Danny Goh merch the other day. And I didn't because it wasn't the right time that it came out. He said it's gonna be available actually.

Now I think about it, it was yesterday and I probably missed out. I wanted a Danny Goh plushie. And I guess my son's not getting that. So, Danny Goh, if you hear this, I know it was limited and you probably don't have any more, but if you've got one laying around the house, send it on over. Um, and, uh, but Blippi I did not like Blippi is just, hey, Blippi makes you a kids grow up and become, you know, like, like, just like people who have just, you know, like,

like don't talk, dude, I have one friend that talks to my kids like that, hey, what's up? And I'm just like, bro, he's a, remember he, how he'll grow up to be a person. I don't want him to grow up to be fucking Grover, dude. Hello? Like don't do that. And I have to have a talk with that guy. And Danny Goh, it has a little of that, but Blippi has it in spades. And Danny Goh is just like, he watched Blippi,

he goes, okay, all right, that's enough Blippi. And then they changed Blippi because the one Blippi shit all over the other guy and it had it on tape. And they were like, okay, I guess we'll get one that you can't tell if he's Asian or white. And then so they got that Blippi. And then after that, Danny Goh goes, no, not cutting it. I got it from here. Give me the aviator's cap.

Give it to me. Come on. Here we go. Sharks in the water. Just a song about sharks just killing it and he's good man. David Sullivan was over the other day you know my friend that I talk about a lot here and man my Calvin and Billy are getting so funny. The Calvin just, I said, yo, so David farted in the kitchen and I walked over and I sat down. I started playing with Calvin and I said, David farted over there.

And Calvin goes like this. This is exactly what he said. He goes like this. He looks at me, he says, what the fu- Oh, I didn't say it. I didn't say it. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. He was like this, he looks at me and says, what the fuck? Oh, I didn't say it, I didn't say it, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. Ha ha ha ha.

And I'm like, I laughed. And he was like, no, I'm so sorry. I was like, buddy, it's okay if you say it. Just don't say it around, you know, other kids and other adults, because some people, they take it the wrong way. If you say it at home, I don't care, you know? It's all good.

My son's got such a weird thing about getting in trouble. He's never been in trouble. He's such a good boy. This is how much trouble he's going to do. Hey, none of that. Come on, stop. That's the most. I've never yelled at him. I've never yelled at him. And he's always like, am I in trouble? I'm like, dude, I wonder where that comes from. Dude, kids are who they are immediately. Like if Calvin sees blood, he goes like this. Oh, okay. It's the end of the day now. I'll see you guys tomorrow. That's too much for me. Like dude, it could be 10 30 a.m. and he goes like this. Oh, dude, you get a little, you get a blister, show him a blister and he's like, oh, okay. Okay. I know you think it's Thursday now. I'm going to

go sleep till Friday. No, all good. Like he can't stay on the side of it. And it's like, Oh, okay. Okay. I know you think it's Thursday now. I'm going to go sleep till Friday. No, all good. Like he can't stay on the side of it. And it's like, that was just in him from jump. He didn't know what it was in the beginning. And so it's crazy how you're just who you are. Like Calvin's just funny. And you could tell already Billy's one today. He's four, uh, he's, uh, what is he?

Uh, 16 months. And you can already tell the guy, the kid is just going to be, he, you can already tell he's going to be one of those guys that goes like this. I guess. And I'm just like, Oh man, no, I'm going to have to have a stern talking to him. He's already gonna be a guy. He's gonna be one of those guys that's just like, that like will hug you and be like, oh man, how you been? And just smack your back too hard.

And you're like, ooh, that actually really hurts when Billy does that. Anyway. It is what it is. I'm a dad. No party, no entertainment, no video games, no distractions, no fast food, no hookups, no scrolling, no Netflix, no junk food, no negative people. This place is something different. They removed everything that's not making men grow. When you enter the Bali time chamber,

the only thing to do is train consistently. Eat healthy food, do saunas, hurt your rotator cuff, fuck your hamstrings up, not eat enough, fall down a lot. Read books, exchange knowledge, fucking fame. Take time to think and plan for the future. Be gay a little bit because no women are there. So you'll definitely fuck a guy. If you ever had those inklings

entrepreneurs from all around the world. Entrepreneurs. No. Dude, what's up with like boot camps like that, where like men go to and then they do you see the one where they're all in the like the the hot springs

just holding each other crying. Hey guys, go to work. Hey guys, start a business. Hey, hey guys, don't take a break. And if you do take it with your family. Hey, if you're going to take a break, bring your family somewhere. Don't go cry in a river with a bunch of guys holding you. All good. Done. Well, I hate that voice, that Tik Tok voice.

No chicks, no nothing. Your penis is strapped down, chastity belts. All you do are chin ups and squats. That That's all you do and you eat only meat We're on a carnivore diet everything in this environment was designed to help men grow No women no alcohol no drugs no smoking no party no entertainment Okay, look no video games is the next one it gets so video games No video games, no distractions, no fast food, no hookups, no scrolling, no Netflix. You said no chicks, that's redundant, no hookups. Well, I guess if the people are dead.

No junk food, no negative people. You said no fast food. They removed everything that's not making money. God, how much would you go there and it would be horrible. You would just... Look at these fucking things. I don't really get women. No distractions.

Again, no procrastination. Again, no junk food. Same account. No smoking, no drinking, no gaming, no negative people, no entertainment, no. I mean, no entertainment, you know, no fun. Don't talk. You get tased if you look at someone. fun. Don't talk. You get tased if you look at someone. Um, anyway, I don't, I don't know about that kind of shit. It's like just be just, I guess some people

need that shit. They need to get whipped into shape. And I don't mean shape, like And I don't mean shape, like muscular shape. I mean just... Just head shape, you know? But congratulations if you go to that. Oh, you know it costs $20,000 too. And it's for two weeks. All right, I want pee-pee, so we're back. Sorry guys.

I was in, I was in, I usually start talking about on podcasts of what I did this week. I didn't this week, but you know, we do whatever we want. We have a good time. I was in Memphis actually. I did a show in Memphis. And it was so much fun. It's weird because I, these, I don't know what's going on,

but apparently there were people trying to cancel the show in Memphis. Actually, no, I didn't know this, okay? And so I said to my tour manager, I said, yo man, because I'm just going to do the Memphis show. And I was like, man, oh, and Memphis is like the hardest, what do you call it, market for comedy, at least for me. It's terrible all across the board,

but like it's very hard to sell tickets in Memphis. So I was, I'm like, oh, I'm not going to be selling that many tickets. It's one show I'm going to go out there for. Maybe I, and I've never done this ever. I've never done this. I'm like, maybe I'll just wait. No, I have done this, but I'm like, maybe I'll just, I'll just cancel the show and just hang out with my family. You know, not, not too many people might miss it, you know, because it's not a great market for me and whatever. And then, so I called my tour manager and he said, oh, I don't think you should do that.

I said, why? He was like, because the people who own the theater really want you there. And there were people that were trying to cancel your show. And the guy went to bat for you. He was like, fuck off, fuck off. I'm gonna put whatever I want at the theater. So I was like, oh, dude.

Oh, we're doing the show, dude. Oh, we're doing the show. Now I can't wait for the show because I will. I wanted to. I was like, maybe I'll cancel it. He said that I go, Oh dude, that show's happening. And I went and I performed for less people than normal because of how it's a, it's not my market.

Um, and bro, I'm like, I'm going to give these people the best fucking show. And I went out and I, it's so, when people like protest, somebody coming to your city to do standup, it's such bitch shit because there's hundreds or thousands of people that want to see that person laugh. Uh, they're, they're dying to see that person. So people are dying to see that people, those people, and they want to just laugh. They have fucked up lives. They're in Memphis, you know, this is one of the murder capitals of America, and there's

so much crime, and they just want to fucking take a day off or laugh with their loved ones. And they want to see, they want to see a comedian they like or a musician they like and then there's people out there that want to take that from them they want to just be like well no he's not we think that even though we don't know this person with that it's not good to have him in our city and it's like dude you've got no... You got no idea. You've got no idea. You've got no idea. And it's so egotistical to just be like, well, no, we got to protest.

When there's people who just want to fucking laugh, dude. Life is so hard. Wait, I'm going to come to the city. I'm going to make people laugh. I'm going to fucking leave. You know, you think I wanna live there? I tell you, I had the best burger I ever had in my life, at Dyer's.

And the people were awesome in Memphis. And now I will always come back to Memphis because of that. Because of the people that were like, complaining. So, it's one of my favorite cities. Good, I did the show and I can't wait to come back. I'll go to the same venue, I don't give a shit. And now I'm booking more shows.

When that happens, I book more shows, period, that's it. It's about capitalism, dude. If people are gonna keep coming out to the show, then I'm just gonna keep booking shows. Because it's just, that kind of stuff fuels me. It's like, haters have to fuel you, dude. So I fucking had a blast at that show. So I fucking had a blast at that show. And I,

the first 20 minutes I was just talking about Memphis. I went to this burger place. I got there, first of all, Denny, the guy who, Denny Love, I'm becoming a comedian, killing it. He features for me a lot of the time. And he went to Memphis a day early. And I was like, he texted me the day before I left for Memphis and he said, Hey, I'm in Memphis already.

I went a day early. See you when you get here. And I texted back. Why? And he said, it's a lit city. I wanted to come out and see it. And I was like, whoops, you made a mistake. Uh, all right.

That's it for the rest of the episode. That was the YouTube version for the rest of the episode. You are going to see, uh, for the rest of the episode, you go, you want to go see it, go to patron, support us on patron. It helps. You are the reason, you Patreon subscribers, the reason that this show exists, it wouldn't without you. Thank you for that.

Go to patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. You can go see every other episode of Congratulations Ever in its entirety. You can see the full versions. You can see the extra episodes that we've released. We've got one up there with Brian Callan. We've got one up there with Kristin, I think. We've got one up there with, we've got a bunch got one up there with Kristen, I think we've got one up there with we got a bunch up there every

month. There's like 40 of them out there that don't exist in the real world and only exist on Patreon. So patreon.com slash Chris Lillia go check that out. Thank you very much. And don't forget, dude, Toronto, Bismarck, I went on sale. So check it out. We've got the code. The local code is, let's see, it was multiverse. And then the local code is... You can put in multiverse, or you can put in another one. What is it? I can't find it. Oh, here it is. It is...comedy, all capital.

So either one will work depending on what day you do it. So come see me in Toronto, or in Bismarck, and a bunch of other places. comedy, all capital. So either one will work depending on what day you do it. So come see me in Toronto or in Bismarck and a bunch of other places. Thanks a lot.