Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 397. And I Don't Mean Rihanna

Episode Date: August 22, 2024

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Drive your ambition. Mitsubishi Motors. RUNK Hey everyone, it's episode 397 of Congratulations. 1997 of congratulations I got all my drinks Got them all My half a bottle of whatever you're not you know, you know, it's water I'm not telling you what it is Even though you know what it is because every time I leave the thing on people get mad at it

Rhymes with Darrowhead, but I'm drinking it. People say it's terrible, but I don't. It's just water. It's not Dasani or Aquafina, right? Isn't that what it's called, Aquafina? I'm not talking about the actress. Got my magic mind, let's shoot the magic mind. That's good.

That's good. That's good. Reclaim your brain, right? And a pelier. I'm not, pelier. I'm not French, but I like to say it in French. Pelier. So I got that, half a bottle of this, half a bottle of that, and a pelier,

and that's what it is. It is episode 397. Thank God, we are finally getting to 400. Never knew we would get to 400 again. Thought we would do four episodes, but times 10, I guess that's what we did. I will be in Oxnard, Levity live August 30th and 31st, September 5th. I'll be in McCallan, Texas, Beaumont, Texas, Peterborough, Ontario, September 13th, London, Ontario, Duluth, Minnesota, Peterborough, Ontario, September 13th, London, Ontario,

Duluth, Minnesota, Thunder Bay, Ontario, Lexington, Kentucky. And then I got a bunch of different places in Alabama, Sudbury, Ontario, Toronto, Ontario just went on sale, Bismarck, North Dakota for some reason, Sioux Falls for some reason. And then I'm closing out the year with Brea, the Brea improv, California. There we go.

Brea, the Brea improv California. There we go. Um, I was in Dallas and I was in, um, Wichita and let me just tell you. It's the, so Dallas is it's August in Dallas, all right? Now, too hot. I don't really get, it's just, I guess it's just getting hotter and hotter. When can we move to like, what's called Mars? What year do you think we'll be on a different planet?

Like, I mean, like at least like a good amount of us. I don't know, man. I keep looking at technology and I get scared. And I'm just like, like, yeah, it's good I had kids and then they're gonna have kids, and then they're gonna have kids, and then they're gonna have kids, and then like somebody's fucked, eventually, right? Somebody's gonna be doing this. Oh, no, while a huge... Right? So, I went to, we got a lot of stuff doing it

because we're getting this house ready to sell it. And we are doing, we're moving our house, we got our house closed escrow, and then we're moving to down the 101 over there in West Lake Village. What do you call it? Ventura County? No, it's not in Turk County. It's whatever it is.

Ventura. But we're going there. And today Calvin had a meetup at a park with his, the kids that are going to be going to the school, his new school. And I'm just like, and my wife is like, she has to take care of a lot of stuff at the house today and Billy's not gonna go, so I'm like, I'll take Calvin to the park, I'll do it.

First of all, woke up this morning. Woke up this morning and these are my favorite mornings to wake up. Wake up in the morning and Calvin is next to me and my wife is in Calvin's bed because Calvin came in in the middle of the night at some time, kicked and punched and scratched in his sleep and my wife just goes, fuck this

and goes and sleeps in the bunk bed. And it's hilarious, I've done it before too, but I wake up and I say, hey Calvin, the first thing he says is, I I'm playing with my Orbeez. Orbeez are these things in this. He's got a squishy, uh, ball and they, with little balls in the ball. And he squished it so hard that one day all of the Orbeez, which is what he calls them, just absolutely flew out.

And so he woke up and he said, I want to go check on my Orbeez. And I said, all right, buddy. I said, today we have to actually go to the doctor and we've got to get four shots. And he says, Oh, okay. I said, all right, let's go to the doctor. We go to the doctor. And I'm like, why is he not scared? You know, every kid is scared of getting shots. And we're in the car. And I just remind him again, I'm like, I have, because my wife didn't want to tell him, I was like, should we tell didn't want to tell him, I was like, should we tell him, we should tell him like five days beforehand so he's ready.

Cause like if I'm going to get shots, I want to know, if I'm going to, if I need to do anything, dude, if my wife is like, will you take the trash out? I will literally be like, why didn't you confirm with me on Monday? Do you know? I, if I'm going to be having to do these things, I'm going to need to know about it way in advance

Right. I can't just spontaneously Make a bed or something, you know, I'm a piece of shit. So it's like I'm like maybe we should tell Calvin that he has shots because he saw Billy get shots the last week and They were like, well, we got to give Calvin shots. We forgot. So we're like, all right, let's get Calvin to do, to get, to get him him shots. And then, and then Kristen was like, let's not tell him till the morning of. And I was like, Oh man, that kind of feels like betrayal. Like we know something and we're lying in omission. Right.

But I wasn't home for the weekend. So I wasn't really lying because I wasn't home for the weekend. So I got home Sunday and I was like, Hey, tomorrow we're doing, we're going to, he's going to get the shots. I'm going to take him. Should we tell him now Sunday and I was like, hey, tomorrow we're doing, he's gonna get the shots, I'm gonna take him. Should we tell him now? And she's like, no, let's just tell him when he gets up. I think the less he anticipates it, the better. So I was like, okay, that may be right.

That may be the right move, even though it felt like betrayal to my own blood. And so I was like, no, okay, we won't tell him. So I wake up and I tell him, I'm gonna get shots. And he was like, okay, yeah, let's go to the doctor. So, and then we get in the car and he's saying, and I realize he's saying, we're going to Billy's doctor. And I'm like, oh wait, hold on.

We're going to the doctor, it's your doctor too. And he says, oh, okay. And we get in the car and I'm like, why is he so happy, he's not crying? I was like, you know you gotta get some shots, huh? And he just goes like this, immediately he goes like this. And I say, but he's gonna be okay. He says, I don't want to get shots.

And I was like, it's okay, remember we were learning about the body.'s going to be okay. He says, I don't want to get shots. And it was okay. Remember we were learning about the body. It's going to be okay. Um, it helps the body and it's healthy. You can, and we'll go do it. We need to get some shots. So we go and we did it. And he was pretty cool up until they stuck him the first time and then they had to stick them three other times by the fourth time.

I felt like the worst dad, you know? Oh, Farf. I really felt awful because he's just like, it's like, okay, one, okay, two, okay, why three? And then four, it's just like, at that point, you're just like, why is this still happening? And I just, I'm like holding him, and in the beginning he was like, I thought you said you could hold me,

I could be in your arms. And I was like, yeah, you can, give me my arms, and he's doing it. And all day, dude, it's like he now he's walking like he's Lieutenant Dan. It's so funny, dude. He's just like, I'll see him. Like, first of all, I'll be like, Come on, Cal, let's go. And he'll be like, OK. And he's like, like, walking like, oh, oh, and I'm like, but I'll see him. Like out of the corner of my eye, fine, and then I'll

look over him and I see him go like this. And I'm like, buddy, you're not tricking me. You're okay. And he was like, it stings it will we still stings. But let me just take the bandage off. He's like, let me just take the band-aids off. He's like, no, no, it still stings. So the band-aids are still on and we got him his shots and it's adorable. And so I went to the meetup to go to meet the kids and the parents, right? Of his new school, which he's going to start in school in a few days. So I'm like, I get to this meetup place

and we're there at three, because it starts at three. And I walk up, there's a few kids and some parents. And by the time I'm like three minutes in there at the place, the place is just flooded with kids and parents. So I'm like, and I'm like, Kevin, why don't you go say hi to some people? Say hi, go ahead and say hi to that person. Say hi to the kids.

I want to make friends and he's just like, I wanna be in the shade. And I'm like, well, I know it's hot, but. And then I'm like, fuck, I gotta, this is the hardest part He's running around on the on the playground and on the jungle gym and shit, dude And I'm like I didn't even think about this. I gotta talk to these fucking parents Like I gotta be like I gotta turn it on. I

Have to get in bitch mode, you know, I'm talking about? And just be like, hi, hi, yes, yes. So the first question they asked me, they said, so what grade is Calvin going into? Oh dude, I don't know. Kindergarten? She said kindergarten? I said, yeah, I don't know. Is there like a TK or pre-K or? Yeah, yeah.

So my other one is in TK. She's in Cardinal Garden in first grade. I'm like, oh yeah, he's in one of those. I don't know. And so he's in it and running around, he's saying hi, he's making friends and stuff. And it's me and 90 moms and some dads, but the dads are with their wives.

And I'm the only dad that's there solo because my wife had to do shit at home. And I'm like, oh, I'm just, you know what it felt like? Like some Ben Affleck movie where his like wife died. And he's just like, yeah, yeah, there he is. Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah, hey, you know? And he meets some, like what's her name at a park and then falls in love and then falls out of love and then falls in love again, or

some Thomas Jane movie that came out in 2001, you know, and I'm just like, oh, uh, and I'm like, I want, I want to go, but I don't want Calvin to want to go. Right. It's like this, it's like, uh, it's like, I want to go, but I don't want Calvin to want to go. Right. It's like this, it's like, uh, it's like, Oh, you know what's, you know, what's awesome, you know, what's so awesome being at home, right. Okay.

And you know, you go out sometimes and you're having a good time. Whatever you could be in Vegas, you could be at a movie, you could be at a friend's dinner, whatever it is, you're having a blast until you realize, oh shit, it would actually be so dope at home right now. You know what I'm talking about? Like you're sitting there and you're like, you could be in Vegas and it's just like, one more time got me feeling so free, you're gonna celebrate and celebrate and dance with me. And then you go, Oh fuck, I forgot to like, I could actually just be at home watching Brit box. I could be watching. I could be at home watching Brit box, watching a movie on Brit box, watching a TV show on Brit box that I never knew existed that I would just get sucked into dude immediately with Dougray Scott in it some Scottish show that you have to watch the subtitles and even though they

speak English you can't understand it like it's Japanese so you turn on the subtitles you feel like an idiot I'll have done so um I'm there and I'm like, oh, I want to go home, but I don't want Calvin to want to go home. I want him to be like, I want to have kids, Billy and Calvin, I want, and I think Billy's going to be this way, I'm not sure if Calvin is, but I want my kids to be like, I don't want to go home because I, you know what I always wanted to do? Go home. And I still want to go home. I didn know what I always wanted to do go home and I still want to

go home I didn't grow in a way it's not like I'm knowing you're a kid you like going out dude I was always the kid that was like you want just come over to my house and so I'm looking at Calvin and he's like you know doing the ladder a little bit and then sliding down the slide and talking to a guy named, you know, a kid named Travis or something. And then I just look away for a second and then I look back and then Calvin is laying down at the playground. And I say, Calvin, what are you doing? And he says, I want to go home so bad. And I said, I look at my watch, we were there an hour. I said, all right, let's go.

And we went in the car and left and went home. And then the whole ride home, Calvin found out that my car goes, if I say, hey Mercedes, to my car, she says, how may I help you? And Calvin did that 150 times on the way here. He said, hey Mercedes, how may I help you? What's the weather like in New York?

And then she would just say it and he would laugh, dude. And that's not funny, honestly, but it is funny because he thinks it's funny. Right. Um, I was in Dallas and Wichita. It was, it was all right. The Dallas show was fantastic. The Wichita show was fine. I had my buddy Raj Sharma open up for me, feature for me. And it was fun. He's an Indian comedian and he's a local guy in Dallas there.

And I was like, just ride with me the whole time, dude. If that lifestyle, the comic lifestyle is just like, dude, I gotta fucking actually call Raj because here's what, this is something, you ever have something happen that happens and you just don't clear it up and then you never, and then you don't know what happened and then you just kind of like forget about it. Okay.

Here's what I mean. Like, so I'm in my hotel room. It's seven 15. Um, you know what, let me just play the message. I think I still have it. It's seven 15. Yeah, here it is. Um, and the show's at eight.

All right. I get this message at seven 15 from Raj. Good buddy. Uh, and so it's 45 minutes before the show starts. This is the message I get. Uh, so I'm trying to get to the venue. Hold on, hold on, hold on. God damn it. Hold on. Come on. Yo, Duley. Uh, I'm stuck in traffic. Uh, so I'm trying to get to the venue to hit me up when you get this right now. I think I'm like 45 minutes away. Okay, 45 minutes. I think that's the closest I can get. Let me know.

So I'm like, oh, all right. Well, he's going to be there exactly when the show starts. That's fine. If he gets there at 8, it doesn't matter. He can go on. The show will start five minutes late anyway 8 it doesn't matter he can go on the show will start five minutes late anyway it doesn't matter would I have showed up earlier yeah I would have tried to but only for my own anxiety do you know what I'm saying so I'm like all right who cares it'll be fine but something strikes me about this message he says he's stuck in traffic and he's obviously not in a car. You know I'm talking about? It sounds like... Bro.

Yo, it's Daley. I'm stuck in traffic. Echoing. So I'm trying to get to the venue. Traffic where? What traffic in what? You know, is he driving an Iron Long? Traffic where? What traffic in what? You know, is he driving an iron lung? Do you know what I'm talking about? It's echoing. So I'm like, all right, well he's got like 45 minutes to get there. He says he's gonna take 45 minutes. It's he's gotta be there in 45 minutes.

How long is it gonna? So I also, I'm like, I don't know, like fuck that. It's Dallas. It it's gonna be fine. I get there, so I drive over there, I get there in, I get to the venue in 10 minutes, so I'm there at 725, all right? I walk into the green room and I'm like, all right, I say hey to my tour manager, I get the food out there, I'm eating it and stuff. I look to my left and There's Raj This is ten minutes after I left

So I say and I hadn't seen the guy in a long time and it was really nice to see him You know because I was like it so I look at him and I go oh Shit, hey, but I'm so confused right cuz hey, dude. You're not in a car You're not 35 minutes away. You're zero minutes away You're where I am Don't hey dude. Don't call me When you're where I am So don't call me when you're where I am. So I say, oh hey, I literally don't even know what to say. I say, wait you're here. And he says, yeah. And I said, oh well

you just said you were stuck in traffic and you were gonna be 45 minutes. And he said, oh no I'm here. And I said, Oh, okay. And then other people came in the green room. So I didn't get to ask him about it. So. So it's like, what happened, dude? You know what I'm saying? I want, I want, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta actually ask him because it, I, I,

and then when the went up on stage, got off stage and he had had a few drinks. And so I'm like, I can't, I don't, I can't get the truth out of him now. Right. If he's little, not that he was like fucked up, but, um, maybe that's just one of life's big mysteries. One time I was, uh, one time I went to the bathroom number two and I closed the lid. And then I looked back at the lid at the lid after I wiped and everything. I looked back and this was in 2021.

And I remember it was right after the 2000s. And I look back and the lid was closed and I thought, oh, did I flush or not? And then I thought, well, I'll just flush now. Cause if I did, then, um, I'll, it'll go. And if I didn't, it'll go either way. So I went to flush and I was like, Oh no, now I'll never know. If I ever flushed once or twice, because I don't remember the first time or, or did I not do it?

And then I said, and then I just stood there and look at it. I said, if I don't open that lid in the next few seconds, I'll never know. And I forced my body not to do it. And dude, I waited too long and then picked up the lid and it looked clean, but who knows? And I'll never know. And I think about it all the time. I've intruded.

I have, I have intrusive thoughts. I've thought, I think about it all, all the time, dude. That's the kind of stuff I think about all the time. So thank you very much. And maybe that Raj thing is unique, so your business insurance should be too. Whether you're a shop owner, a pet groomer, a contractor, or a consultant, you can get customized coverage for your business. Contact a licensed T.D. Insurance advisor to learn more.

Need a great reason to get up in the morning? Well, what about two? Right now, get a small, organic Fairtrade coffee and a tasty bacon and egg or breakfast sandwich for only $5 at A&W's in Ontario. um Here uh Dreams 65. Why? Okay, hold on Here we go Age should you give up on your dreams 65 12 why we're not actually 80 80 no actually Don't give up on your dreams? 65. 12. Why?

Well, no, actually, 80. 80? Well, no, actually, don't give up on your dreams at all. Oh, think about it first, dude. Well, actually, imagine being 80 and being like, well, I was going to give up on that kid and that video on Instagram. So what's your final answer? 75.

That's amazing. You give up on your dreams. 65. Why? Well, no, actually 80. 80. Well, no, actually don't give up on your dreams at all. So what's your final answer?

75. It's literally what's wrong with the internet period. And then in a nutshell, it's like, make up your fucking mind and don't say anything, make up your mind. And of course, of course the caption is the Tesla cyber truck is an all electric battery powered light duty truck unveiled by Tesla incorporated. What's with the fucking car captions? Hey, yes.

Here's the info you wanted on this on the CLS Mercedes. You know what I'm talking about? What is that? It just, I know you don't have Instagram, so he doesn't know, but it'll just say that'll be the caption. What age should you give up on your dreams? You know what my, uh, answer to that is? I think 40. I think 40, no matter what your dreams are, just cash in.

If your dreams are, well, career dreams, 40, 42. Family, 50. Because you're a man. You're a man. You're a man. You're a man. You're a man. You're a man. You're a man. You're a man. You're a man. are, well, career dreams, 40, 42. Family, 50. Because you don't want to be, as, well, first of all, as a woman, you can't get pregnant after that,

but as a man, you don't want to be decrepit, playing catch with an 11-year-old, you know? What a great thing. Uh, that's when I think you should give up on your dreams. Look at this. Trump did this thing where he was like, uh, uh, uh, Donald Trump, Taylor wants you to vote for me post fake AI endorsement. That's awesome.

I think that more people should be doing this fake AI stuff. I love AI dude. And people are like so angry that I did like an AI. First of all, I did an AI art for my tour, my new tour straight out of the multiverse, come see me at christen.com. Um, and people are like, dude, you're taking work away from artists. Hey, hey, hey, fuck face. Hey, dude.

Hey, hey, hey, I hired an artist to do it in AI. Hey, fuckface, you know AI isn't just walking around right now, right? Right? You know you can't just go to a store and hire an AI bot to do something, right? Hey, fuckface, I had someone do it in AI. So be quiet. That's, I hate that argument. They like, Hey dude, uh, like, like AI music. Okay. Fine. Because, you know, you need the musicians. You need to, but already you've got synthesizers. You've got also, you got, uh,

I love AI music dude, because no, no, no you got, uh, I love AI music, dude, because, no, no, no, not AI music. I love AI art because the people will just type in like a hot dog becoming a child, becoming an old man, becoming a helicopter and the backdrop is World War II. And you're just like, this is, this is, this is, this is what I wanted. I wanted all this weirdness. I wanted this weirdness. I love AI.

I follow all those AI art Instagram things. And I want AI art to succeed. And AI art draws on other art. So technically, it's still art, even though it's AI. So I'll die on that hill. Here it is. This is the AI one that I was talking about. Didn I send you this oh wow you put just put this on there Wow I was looking at this yesterday dude out of control out of exactly this is

the one I was talking about I said helicopter dude this is I hate when people say nightmare fuel but this is like bro if I saw this when I was six like I could never let Calvin see this if I saw this when I was six if I saw Billy see this when he's 60 months old different there's only before and after that moment in our life like there is is no way, first of all, it's a baby. It looks so real. Look at this. And then all of a sudden, up, up, up. All of a sudden, the guy behind the baby in the crib

starts floating and turning into another person. And people are, you know what it is? The clapping, like why would there be a stadium full of people watching this? And if the baby becomes the guy as well, and then he starts skiing in the back and then turns into a helicopter. Okay. Hey AI, you look right, but you're not there yet. I love it. I love how they have the music that like all be in all of Hallmark movies

when the guy meets the girl. I'm being interrupted by my wife Is everything fucked up Billy had paint all over him white So, did you take a picture? Yeah, you look like Mr. Paint. Send the picture. Okay, I'll send it to you. Of course send the picture. It wasn't his. Oh God, Billy got into the paint can.

Crisis averted, we threw him in the... Crisis averted, kind of. Yeah. He probably has lead poisoning now, so that's great. Okay. He didn't eat it. He didn't eat it. He didn't eat it, yeah.

Like, how good? This is his origin story, he's gonna be Paint Man. How good? Billy got in the paint. Like that? Yeah, and then we looked over and it was... This is his origin story. He's gonna be paint man Like that oh My god, dude, he's like powder now. He's screaming. He's screaming. This is origin story He's gonna be dr. Paint Hi Billy, come here.

Come here. Hi. What's up? Did you get in the paint? Did you get in the paint? Do you have anything to say? You took a bath? You took a bath yesterday.

And you still had to take a bath? Do you have anything you want to say? I mean possessed. Possessed. Billy, did you get paint you want to say? I mean, possessed. Possessed. Billy, did you get possessed by paint? Do you have anything you want to say? Hey, Billy. Yeah. You shy?

Yeah. Yeah. OK, I got to go. Give me gotta go. Give me a kiss. Give me a kiss. Give me a kiss. Good boy. Good boy. Give me a kiss. Okay, good boy. It's okay. Just stare blankly. There you go. Good boy. Stare blankly. Good boy.

Love you. Heare blankly. Good boy. Love you. Good job, really. He's too cute. And he spilled my water. Spilled the paint and my water, great. Man, babies smell so good, huh? That's crazy. When do they stop smelling good? Because I still feel like Calvin smells good.

The Office Australia is coming out? Now? It's too late! They'd do it 20 years ago! And the boss is a woman? I mean, see, now here's the thing, it's really fucking annoying, obviously, because they're doing it just because they think it's, they should, and it's the woman in it, and that's fine. And like, but here's the thing, and it is annoying because that's why they're doing it, because they're trying to like, you know, be like, look what we do, like, suck me off, you know? But the thing about it that is the thing is that

it doesn't matter, because it's just about an office. Who gives a shit, right? Who ultimately gives a shit? The shows, oh, the shows, oh, the show's gonna be bad. Dude, it's gonna be bad either way, right? So like, who cares? I'm surprised they didn't get, honestly, a black LGBTQ little person to do this.

LGBTQ little person to do this. Um, and so the office is officially going down under is too late. First of all, it's too late. Uh, prime video is going to do it. Uh, well, I will watch this. Uh, and I'm sure this lady is funny, but it's just like, I don't know actually if you could make the office. What? I don't know actually if you could make the office. What? I don't know if you could make the office.

You know what? You know what? I'm realizing right now it's way less funny if it's a woman because there's something so funny about a man in this typical idea of a man's world that he thinks he's the boss because he's a man in this typical idea of a man's world that he thinks he's the boss because he's a man and he is sexist in the show that makes it so funny. So how are they going to do that with the woman? I mean, I guess like you could still could do it in a way, but I don't know how.

That's actually maybe the worst casting idea. Um, I don't know. Maybe, maybe it'll still be funny though. It could still be funny. I, the office doesn't matter. It's not like she's, it's not like, it's not like, you know, Batman is being played by a woman and it's still called Batman. Um, what if instead of the office, they're called it the orifice?

That would then we would make sense. Oh, wait a minute. Oh, or if, oh, okay. Like that. I guess that makes kind of sense. Okay. Um, dude, um, I just went to the bathroom and I'm back. But this was awesome. I think, I actually think this was awesome. Jake Paul at the Mike Tyson conference. Hey New York, shut the fuck up New York.

Jizzy starts talking. Fuck up New York. Just he starts talking. Dude, this kid. He makes me laugh, bro. Like. That's a kid was he 28, but like. He's like.

He's just on on on it. He doesn't stop. Like dude, he made the W Cologne and the deodorant and shit. And now he's fighting Mike Tyson and he's just like, dude, he says it like he's their big brother. And he doesn't, he's been like, and I, like, obviously a lot of people love Jake Paul. He's been quote unquote hate, you know, he plays the heel, you know, and he's been quote unquote hated on for so long that he just doesn't give a fuck. It also worked for him. It worked.

He got hated upwards, you know? He did it like, he goes like, oh yeah, you, you hate me. Well keep hating. Kuh Ching. And honestly, it's the new way, dude. Hey, New York, New York, New York, you're just like Mike Tyson. You were good 20 years ago. Bro. That's funny, dude.

I don't give a fuck about, dude, that's funny. Did somebody tell him to say that? Or is he, I don't know. I met him once or twice. Like that's funny, bro. Fuck you, New York. Fuck you. Dumb ass democratic city.

This shit made me all the way a fan like to just say fuck you in front of a whole bunch of crowds like that and then the and then the people that lit him up afterwards in New York Lake don't come to New York well we know we can't walk down the street dude shut up you know you're so whack it's like and this is the reason why people are watching the fight too. This guy knows what he's doing and he's playing you idiots. Oh, that's so funny. Oh, you know what?

And people, I don't like the people who have pride in their city or town or, or state it's like all the states and towns suck, you know, you know why? Cause they're full of people. And when's the last time people did something right? People! A person can do something right. When's the last time people did something right? They keep fucking shit up.

And guess who's in New York? Holbanj! Guess who's in Dallas? Holbanj! Guess who's in Portland? Whole bunch! Guess who's in Portland? Whole bunch! Guess who's in LA? Whole bunch!

That's why every place sucks! It's got people in it! If it, you know, I need, a person is dope. People? Ah! Ah! streaming lectures all day, or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet. Visit Rogers.com for details. We got you, Rogers.

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Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more. That's BetterH-E-L-P.com. So it's like, yeah, it does suck. People are living on top of each other and shit. And I love New York. Hey, dude, my heart bleeds in New York, you know? My heart bleeds in New York. I bleed in New York. I go to New York.

I take it in. Now, does it suck? Is it full of people? Yeah. So it sucks. It sucks donkey balls, right? Suck as a full of people. Yeah. So it sucks. Sucks. Donkey balls. Right. Um, only because of the people though.

Uh, that made me a Jake Paul. I already liked the guy that made me a big, a big fan. He can work a crowd, bro. That's tough to do. Uh, this is sexy red has, uh, lip gloss. And so that's going to be disgusting. Right. Just cause of how the sexy red ever do anything that's not disgusting.

Doesn't she have a song called like, I'll shit in your face. Whoops. I pooped or something. Uh, yo, I'm the shit in parentheses fart. Like it's one of those old R and B songs, you know, like it's one of those. Now that's what I call music. And it scrolls by and it has the, you know, the Jackson five. I want you in parentheses.

I love you. You know, Teddy Pendergrass, I love you in parentheses. Happy birthday, baby. Sexy red. I'm the shit in parentheses, fart juice. And you're just like, oh god dude, Sexy Red, hey Sexy Red, you're gross dude. You're, I'm 44 okay, fine. Argue with me, I'm the old guy, wish I was 28

so I could still say it, gross dude. How come everything you're doing is gross, man? Also, why do you kind of look like Annie? You know? You look like Annie. She looks like Annie grew up and fucked Don Cheadle and then she was born. Or I couldn't think of the guy's name would have been funnier. The guy in another lethal weapon, Danny Glover. Put it in your mouth. With the pistol. Put it in your mouth. You remember that part? And then, way later, Sexy Red came out of the mom's asshole.

Oh, it's a, oh, it's a, okay, well, it's a, okay, well, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, sexy red came out of the mom's asshole. Oh, it's a, oh, it's a, okay, well, she's gross. So it says, so sexy red says put my, here we go. Okay, see, I didn't know about this till right now. I gotta be honest.

So it's put my coochie juice on your lips. Why don't I read something like this? I think about like my dad. He's 76 and what he would like, you have to just, remember like every generation thinks that, like right now I'm the next generation. I'm 44. I'm the generation that there's generations under me.

So I'm going to be like, what the fuck are they doing? You know? And so that's just that. But, uh, also imagine in 1997, if somebody said, Hey dude, I have now lip gloss, put my coochie juice on your lips. dude, I have now lip gloss, put my coochie juice on your lips. Like if like, you know, Cindy Lauper was just like, Hey, or Fran dresser. I got coochie juice.

You put on your lips. Ah, so sexy ready is heating up summer with a new business venture, a line of not safe for work, glip lip glosses, seemingly telling her pound town anthem. It's frat guy. That means so frat guy pound town, dude. Oh, dude. Nah, awesome, dude. That's one of her songs. Oh, no.

Awesome. And pound town and let me show you my black light from, from, from the hit. Let me show you my blacklight from from from the hit Let me show you my blacklight and the singer of pound town and the singer of nah. Uh-uh. That's awesome and then fucking Featuring the guy who takes a shit in the upper part of a toilet bowl Featuring the guy who takes a shit in the upper part of a toilet bowl.

Uh, what's it called? Double decker. The rapper revealed that the sexually charged makeup brand online Monday called sexy with two wise got him to spell it differently, right? By posing for a series of provocative photos, including one where she held the box of lip glosses on her behind as she bent over. No, really? No sexy red? No. Sexy Red did that?

Come on. She did? Has Sexy Red ever taken a picture frontwards? Hey, you always looking over your shoulder. Hey, whole life. All good. Not complaining. I'm not the old guy complaining like, oh, you know, don't have an OnlyFans and show

your anus. You can do whatever you want. Sure prerogative. Hey, dude, I like how women are like, whatever, I'm strong, I'm powerful, I can show my body and my chest and my and my and my and my and my baboon rudders and nobody could tell me anything and us guys are like sitting sitting back like no oh We don't... Hey, gotcha. No, don't. No, no.

No, don't show me your pussy. No. She also gave fans a close-up of the Gloss' erotic names, which are... Here we go which are let me get them out here let me let me let me just get them out here cuz I They are Kuchi Juice. Oh man, it's not working. Isn't that amazing? There we go. Uh, they are, uh, another one is Booty Hole Brown.

Isn't that amazing? Okay. Uh, and then there's, oh God, bleep this out because we'll get demonetized. Booty Hole Pink. Isn't that amazing? Okay. Then there's gonorrhea. What color is gonorrhea, dude?

Isn't that amazing? Then there's blue balls, of course, and sex on the beach, which is kind of the most normal one. And then there's nut. Isn't that amazing? You know, just so not even trying call one nut shit and then the most vile one and yes more vile than the p-hole pink yellow discharge hey how about just Discharge You're not amazing. Hey

How about just yellow Hey Yellows fine the grossest word is Discharge You know, oh Yeah, baby. Oh, yeah. Oh hell. Yeah. Oh, dude. Oh wait. Hold on. Oh here comes my discharge Imagine if you did that. Oh No, here comes my discharge, baby So we've got beautiful

Who do we have on our you're gonna love this now put those ceramic angels away put those away. We're gonna have over here We have a limited supply here because of how just absolutely disgusting they are. Sexy red, not safe for work lip gloss right here. It is the sexy line with a bunch of beautiful colors. Now let's line them up right here. Now these are going away really fast, so we've got a ton of boxes here and look at this here. There we go. We got a picture of sexy red up there. We're putting her up there. Where's her... does she have a front? No? Alright. Well just... okay. Well all these pictures of her looking from behind. That's

some ho shit. So look, alright, so what we got is Sexy Red. She's heating up this summer with this lipgloss. Now remember, it's not safe for work. They're so grossly named, you have to be 45 plus to use them. You cannot be, a lot of things will be over 18, over 21, you have to drink over 21. This is so abhorrent. You have to be, hold on, Phil, get me the, how old do you have to be to, it says right here 45 plus you have to be 45 if you're 40 and you go to write aid or cvs or anywhere to purchase these not safe for work lip gloss you will not be able to take them out of the establishment you have to be 45 the rapper has a sexually charged makeup

brand called sexy that's with now the thing I like about this is it's all my rappers misspell stuff but you'd think that she would use two X's she's using two Y's. Why? Because she's two Y's. No, I'm just joking. That's a little joke. Do we have a picture of her front? Could you find one yet?

No. Okay. Um, so she's turned around. So here we go. We have. Now you probably would get one of these from, let's say, uh, Rihanna was going to sell this. First of all it wouldn't be not safe for work and it would be one or two colors and they would not be disgustingly named. It would be a color red. It would be purple. It would be pink. Not for the first one I'm looking at right here,

Coochie Juice. Absolutely amazing, beautiful Coochie Juice. Beautiful. Look at this. And here we have our model. Come here. Hello, what's your name? Hi Stephanie. Take this Coochie juice, put it on your lips. That's fucking disgusting and beautiful. Now let's get another model over here. Who's this? This is Darlene. Try this booty hole brown. Put it on your fucking mouth. There, look all over. Booty hole brown. Let's put some some of this on your face, too. This is nut This is the color nut That's fucking disgusting

Can we get another model here this one's all messed up she looks like a fucking whore now Okay, we've got who's this? Carly put this yellow discharge on your fucking face and gonorrhea Look at that in that beautiful Sex on my period is a color that's gonna be red Naturally Dude For a limited time only

If Rihanna was gonna sell this it would be upwards of For a limited time only. If Rihanna was going to sell this, it would be upwards of $2,000. For a limited time only, limited time, it will be $3.50. That is 25 cents a disgusting color. You know, and I'm 44 and I get it and that's fine, but I need to dip my toe in the beauty business, you know, just fucking come out with a, just lip gloss and just call them, you know what I call the colors? I don't come up with any names. I have lip gloss and just lipstick and I have, these are the colors I have. Red, dark red, purple, blue, if you're like a little bit crazy and you're a raver.

And pink. And that's it, dude. And the commercials like, yeah, hey, dude, fuck all these beauty projects, products, check it out. And all the, I don't only film it once. So if I mess up like that, it stays in. And I say, you used dark red, dude. And now go out! Here's pink. What are you going to rave? Here's blue. Put it on and go out and listen to fucking

Brain Bug. Go out. Remember that song Brain Bug? Remember that song? Do you know it? Yeah, he knows it, dude. You get the, you don't just get, you don't just get now a lot of, you, here we go. You get the coochie juice, get the booty hole brown you get the nut You get the hole pink you get the yellow discharge You get gonorrhea You get blue balls

You get sex on my period For a limited time. Ah, God. And the company's just like, yeah, we'll do it. That's it. Just wild. How, what's it going to be? What's, what's it going to be like in 30 or 40 years when Calvin and Billy are 40? And I'm dead.

And I'm 88. You know what I mean? And it's just going to be like, yeah, here comes skyrocketing to number three in the Billboard top a hundred, Danny Stabbins with the song stabbing them all. And it's just like about as a guy and it is, Hey, I'm Danny Stabbins. I'm stabbing different races. Brown, I'm stabbing different races.

Doesn't even matter who you are. As long as you look like that, I'm going to stab you. And then it's like, fucking the music video is just him literally really killing people of different races. And then it's like fucking the music video is just him literally really killing people of different races It just yeah, how how what what's too much when does it get to the point where we're like, oh Fuck, you know what? I would have thought of you know what I would have thought When lip gloss was named gonorrhea. I thought that would be the tipping point

snot gonorrhea. I thought that would be the tipping point. Snot. Um, so that's what's up. Anyway, uh, yeah, I will be in, uh, Texas and Toronto soon. Oxnard, California. Go to chrislea.com to get the tickets. And if you, uh, that's it for this episode. If you want to listen to the rest of the episode, go to patreon.com slash chrisalea.com and that's where you get all of the uncut, unedited, uh, ad free videos. Um, and then you'll also get the extra video a month that we do. And we've been doing it now for three or four years. And so you got, you can get access to all of them for just six bucks. If you go right now torun.com slash chrystalian. Thank you.