Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 40. Filthy Ciggy

Episode Date: October 30, 2017

It's the 40th episode! Daddy is back in LA! On today's show, Chris discusses the rest of his trip to Australia, and being a foreigner in another country. Also discussed: Kevin Spacey/Anthony Rapp, an idea for what to do with House of Cards, people making you feel guilty about sightseeing, Australian cigarette packaging, live concerts on Southwest airlines, we announce a new elder, & TMFUIPOTW. And of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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It's episode 40, right? I never know what episode it is, but that's because I'm flying by the seat of my pants. Flying by the seat of my pants, you know? Now I'm sitting here. The video episode is back. The video podcast is back. So just, if you're listening to it on the podcast, and you prefer watching it on youtube go on the youtube channel not you tube even though that's what i said youtube and you can go on youtube and watch the fucking watch watch our cult leader me um be on uh be on camera

and i got my fucking true baby shirt on, which is ill as shit. You can probably see it on the video. It's got a little bit. If you, it's kind of like, you know, it's got the elder pin on it. Embroidered, not embroidered. It's just screen printed, but I don't know what the fuck it is, but it's because of the stock. Have you ever seen that fucking uh uh uh your business card is

shit what the fuck is it your business card is a piece of shit crap dude the guy who does the business card your business card is crap my okay so this guy who's got hair that looks like jason priestly and in 9 to 1 0 uh he's doing a video and he's talking about how his business card is way better than all the other business cards and it's a pop-up book it's a goddamn pop-up book he's like this card is bullshit it's flimsy but and then he pulls out his card he's like it's foil embossed and it. And you literally open it up, and it's like a pop-up book. Imagine if somebody – first of all, imagine if someone hands you a business card at all. That person can't trust them, period.

If anybody hands you a business card and he's not a driver, you are untrustworthy. Period. I mean, maybe if you're a lawyer, but if you're a lawyer, you're already untrustworthy. But if, I mean, imagine just being a guy with like a company and handy, hey man, we got to talk. Here's my business card. And if they hand it to you,

there's one way to hand you the business, a business card, by the way. And it's holding it with the index finger and the middle finger. And that means you card, by the way. And it's holding it with the index finger and the middle finger. And that means you think you're the shit. And that means you're untrustworthy. Dude, I mean, first of all,

this guy who fucking is holding his business card, it's the cover of a goddamn CD case. Hey, man, if it doesn't fit in the wallet, scone in the trash. What's the Mitch Hedberg joke? It's like when somebody hands you a flyer and they're just like, here, you throw this away. It's so truth.

The way this guy leans forward showing you his business card is unbelievable. No business card should open up. Die cut. It's foil embossed. What is it? A fucking upper deck special edition, fucking, uh, uh, oh, shit, man, um, but yeah, anyway, I'm back, I'm back from fucking Australia, now, from fucking australia now this is the first i'm it i did my australian tour let me thank you guys first of all oh you guys the australian babies came came out man you guys fucking came out

in droves you came to the show it was really cool uh i have a few australian friends in my um in in my you know life but they're all here okay i like them i like if you know me you listen to the podcast you know me a little bit you know i like weirdo friends i got an italian friend always looks like he's looking at fireworks i got a fucking you know weird quiet friends i have an irish friend that looks just like me do you know what i'm talking about just i like weirdos okay i have a guy that sounds like beavis that's my friend um but this i have australian friends when you you go to Australia, now I've been, I haven't been the foreigner in a long time. I haven't been the foreigner since I was 19 in Italy

and in, same, same, 19 in London. I mean, Canada doesn't count, you know. But I was the foreigner for two weeks, dude. And when you have to, as a foreigner, listen to everybody with that Australian accent, first of all, I was just like hankering to meet an American, you know. Like everybody was talking like this. And I didn't know what the fuck anybody was saying for a while. And one time I was in the, I started, I was telling this story on stage. But I was like, I feel like Australians fuck with you a little bit.

Because, oh, wait. Because I would be, I was like, hey, where's the elevator? I asked some guy, where's the elevator? And he's like, what is that now? And I was like hey where's the l i asked some guy where's the elevator and he's like what's that now and i was like where's the elevator he's like excuse me i said the l what's the elevator and he said could you say that again and i was like i already said three times don't know how to fucking say it without making this guy sound like a fucking asshole now so i was just like the elevator where is it and he said and then i said oh the lift and he said oh it's right down there like made me say it you know i'm not gonna let this

shitty american try on a fucking say elevator when you know he don't say elevator um but uh so so uh so yeah so i i uh but everybody with that accent, everyone has that accent. And I know you know that, but it's like really weird to see it on guys and girls and shit, and they're just all like, Hi, how's it – hey, how you going? Hi, how you going? Hi, how you going? It's where you going or how are you going? Hi, how are you going? It's where you're going or how are you? How are you going?

How are you going? Walking. How? By car. How are you going? By plane. But they do it. I thought it was something that they just some of them said but

they all say that uh uh so on the way to australia though the guy had the fucking most cartoony australian accent it was like australian mixed with like nazi german like he was just like when we get out to uh australia yeah that's actually exactly how it sounded he was like you have your tray tables up and if you need anything i'll come over and poison you um but he was like welcome to australia and it was like it was like no matter what he was saying on the fucking thing the phone thing for the whole flight he was like, welcome to Australia. It was like no matter what he was saying on the fucking thing, the phone thing for the whole flight, he was also like casually like pleasuring himself on his balls. He was like, we have got a lot of different options for meals if you like.

Just take a look in your menu and I'll just be up here near the cockpit rubbing my balls. i'll just be up here near the cockpit rubbing my balls um uh but yeah so uh anyway um but australia was good man i it's so funny dude like people were like i was canceling shit left and right like because i had a club uh or in the club uh the promoter was like uh hey man you you we set you up some stuff. I was going to go to like the Animal Reserve. Don't want. And then I was going to do a bridge climb in Sydney. Don't want.

And I'd wake up and be like, hey, man, no, I'm not going to go to that thing. And the thing is, I let, you know, here's something, man, I want to talk about. We got to stop letting people fucking talk into stuff. Now, it's fine to be open-minded. I get it. And this is going to sound a little narrow-minded. But I didn't want to do the bridge climb. And I know I don't do stuff.

And my buddy Joel was texting me. He's like, dude, if you don't do stuff in Australia, I'm going to fucking kill you. You're in another country. You got to do this shit. And I was like, you me. He's like, dude, if you don't do stuff in Australia, I'm going to fucking kill you. You're in another country. You got to do this shit. And I was like, you know, he's right. You got to open up yourself to new ideas. Maybe I'll get new material. And so I was like, okay, maybe I'll do the bridge climb.

And the day before the bridge climb, I was like, I don't think I want to do the bridge climb. And I was in the, apparently there's like this bridge in Sydney you climb and it's beautiful when you get on the top of it. And of course it is. But guess what? You don't really have to do that stuff anymore because Google. And also, that scene always comes to mind, the fucking scene in what is the Good Will Hunting where Matt Damon is like talking to Robin Williams on a bench, of course, because it's cinematic. But hey, who talks to anybody on a fucking park bench? When has that ever happened?

Have you ever had a conversation with anybody on a goddamn park bench? No. How come in every movie there's a scene where somebody's talking to somebody else on a goddamn park bench? Hey, I've got an even better question. Where's a park? Where's a park where's a park dude if somebody said to me meet me at a park I'd go like this uh

where is it that where's that park what are we in a fucking romantic comedy what are we in that fucking David Duchovny mini driver one that came out for some reason return to me it couldn't be more of a fucking What are we in that fucking David Duchovny mini driver one that came out for some reason? Return to me. It couldn't be more of a fucking romantic comedy.

Return to me. Return to me. Sick cock sucker. Return to me. What was I talking about? Oh, the. Yeah. So. Oh, yeah. So, oh, yeah, when they're like, you know what it's like.

You know how they made the Sistine Chapel. You know all about the thing. But have you ever been there and looked at it and felt what it feels like to be there? And when I was a kid, I was like, damn, dude, Robin Williams has a good point. But also, Google wasn't that big then. And now you can pretty much go anywhere and do a 360. You know, you can pretty much go anywhere and do a 360. I can go to fucking Zimbabwe if I want to right now,

my living room and do a 360 and see all sorts of fucking whatever it's like in zimbabwe zimbabwe that's a crazy name huh so hi dude you ever think about how zimbabwe is a fucking word um So anyway, so I was like, I don't think I'm going to go to the bridge climb. And then one of the other promoters on the tour, because I was at my show, and she was like, oh, you got to. You got to. It's beautiful. You got to go. And I was like, yeah, all right.

Okay. And I let her make me think, all right, I'll go. And then I woke up in the morning. I didn't want to fucking go. I should be true to myself, dude. True baby. I should be true to my goddamn self. I didn't want to go.

She was like, no, you should go. And you get fucking talked into it. And then I wake up in the morning. I don't want to go. And I texted, you know what? I'm not going to go. And I felt guilty about that. I felt like I was

letting them down. Fuck that. First of all, I didn't fucking set up the tour. The bridge climb. I'm going to do it. I don't want to. My producer's 360ing Zimbabwe and it's like, why, you know? It just looks like Philly. It just looks like fucking Philly.

So, yeah, so I didn't do the bridge climb, and I didn't do the fucking animal reserve, and I didn't see a fucking kangaroo, And I didn't see a fucking kangaroo. And I don't give a fuck. How about that, dude? I didn't see a kangaroo. You know why? Because I've seen that fucking kangaroo flexing on Instagram.

I've seen that shit. You seen that fucking kangaroo with shoulders? For fuck's sake. Kangaroos have shoulders? Nah. I don't care. I want to see a koala fuck am i medicine man i got dogs at home they're the same fucking thing you know um so um so i didn't do it and i fucking you know what i did i walked around the cities took it in my mom was like you got a sightseeing make yourself do it so i went to that fucking bondi beach everyone

my buddies who are musicians were hitting me up and they were like dude hottest chicks ever best looking people in the world went to bondi beach guess what the uglies were out there was zero good-looking people zero now i understand it was an overcast day, but what's that mean? The troglodytes come out? Bondi Beach, you know? I went there. The uglies were out. Walked around and then fucking hopped in an Uber back.

And I touched the water because I felt like I should touch the water because I wanted it. It was so far away. And then I went back to and i just i wanted to drink by the way the coffee in australia is so much fucking better it's unbelievable i know i think i said this in my last one but it's like dude i don't understand what the fuck is america doing pissing in it hey america you wiping your asshole with the ice cubes they've got better ice cubes they've got better fucking water they've got better coffee beans the only thing they don't have better is the fucking cups hey first of all i'm no scientist and i don't know the reason but why the fuck if you put cold liquid in a hot coffee cup it turns to a fucking marshmallow

why does the cup get soggy it's's still liquid. Just because it's cold, it fucking soggies it up. That's very weird. But they don't have those fucking plastic cups. And if they do, they have the dome lids. Put the fucking flat lid on it and keep it

fucking see-through, baby. If I'm drinking something cold, I want it see-through. I want to drinking something cold i want it see-through i want to see it if it's hot put it in a fucking hot shit but if it's cold keep it see-through dude these are the rules man it's fucking 2017 we figured all the shit out don't go backwards but flying in australia is amazing dude dude. You just walk on. They're like, hi, Isaac. How are you going? Do you have to take your shoes off? No. Why would

you do that? Cool. Do I need to walk through this? I just don't have any bums on you, eh? Okay. Get on the plane. Oh, cool. Sit down. Would you like a stroke job? The first thing I get when I get to Australia, the first thing I get is a text from the promoter. Hey, I'm here in Sydney at the airport. Just outside the lounge having a filthy ciggy. just outside the lounge having a filthy ciggy. I thought he was joking. Having a filthy ciggy.

And then he did it, and I thought he was joking, but he did it again. He was like, waiting for you outside the hotel. Having a filthy ciggy. Filthy ciggy. Filthy ciggy. Dude, first of all, we know it's bad for you. Oh, dude, the fucking... the...

You know, in America, all the fucking tobacco corporations, they try to make you like... They try to sell... It's so corporations, they try to make you like, they try to sell. It's so obvious that they try to sell fucking smokes to 12-year-olds, you know, with the bright colors on the boxes and shit. In fucking Australia, they literally have mouth cancer and dead babies on the fucking boxes. And he was still like, it'll be like, hey, just so you know,

you can get these, but you're going to get eye cancer. It's so gross, dude. And people still smoke this shit? Look at the foot one. Look at the foot one. Look at the foot one, dude. And these people are just carrying these boxes around, and I got to look at them?

Hey, I'll take secondhand smoke before I'll take fucking looking at some... some fucking cancer canker tongue. Ugh. Ugh. A filthy ciggy dude i'm so sick of seeing everybody on fucking halloween with all your stupid how about people who are tweeting pictures hey my cousin dressed up as a fucking thing halloween's canceled

halloween's over hey he won halloween, he lost it. He lost it. He's a loser. Let's get one thing straight. If you dressed up for Halloween and you're 30? You know what you went as? A cuda. That's what you went as. You dressed up as Napoleon Dynamite? You have kids? No, you didn't. You dressed up as a cuda. That's what you dressed up as. You dressed up Wednesday Adams with your tits out I don't remember Wednesday Adams showing her fucking fake knockers Yakuta that's what you dressed up as so tomorrow's Halloween and if you're listening to this on Tuesday, today's Halloween. I want you as babies to put on your fucking Yakuta shirts on if you're not dressing up and go as fucking Kuda exposers. Okay? You're not a fucking, you didn't dress up. You dress up, you're fucking 45. You're the fun guy

at the party. You know what I don't want to be ever? The fun guy at the party. You know what I don't want to be ever? The fun guy at the party. You know why? Because you're boring. Are those up yet, by the way? We got new fucking merch, and this shit's the most banger shit. We got new merch. We got these true baby tees, first of all. But we got the fucking

illest no cuda shirts. You gotta go on the website, chrylea.com or what is it chris whatever it's chrislea.com and go to the store and it's got the fucking no cuda sign it's the shit dude but dude if you dressed up for halloween you dressed up as a cuda that's what you did man unless you're 12 hey you're 12 go have, you're 12. Go have fun. Eat some candy. You fucking 40? You're born. You don't... If you're the guy who has the best Halloween costume at the party,

you're doing all this other shit instead of having a personality. It's what you're doing. Develop... instead of having a personality. It's what you're doing. Develop skills. You did? Oh my God, dude. My producer just wrote me,

he dressed up as a shark one year and didn't go anywhere. Two nights? A go? producer just wrote me he dressed up as a shark one year and didn't go anywhere two nights ago first of all it wasn't even halloween why'd you do it on saturday were you gonna go somewhere people came to your house people came to his house He dressed up as a shark Crazy and insane I guess Halloween just got big in Australia Like over the past 25 years That's what the person who was smoking a filthy ciggy was trying to tell me But my fucking producer Won higher

He dressed up as a shark Two nights ago Not even on Halloween And invited people over Did they wear costumes? One person. How many people came over? Twelve!

He had twelve people over, and he was dressed as a shark. And two days before Halloween, three days before Halloween, and one other person dressed up as what, like Sherlock Holmes? A chameleon! It was like the saddest zoo ever with too many keepers 10 zoo keepers a chameleon and a shark out of water dude I saw some fucking I somebody dressed up as a coot they said I look I'm I'm dressed up as I had to keep it real he had on

his coota shirt and he was standing next to a guy fuck these first of all if you're going to dress up as a as a as a thing dress up as wednesday adams dress up as a vampire dress up as a werewolf dress up as a cowboy dress up as a fucking demon you know what you don't dress up as i saw one girl she was in a slip and she had the word freud on and she was a Freudian slip. Dude, why is your nose facing my nose? Have it face the same way. Step out. Gunk. Dude, it's not cute.

You're not clever. This guy dressed up. He had a T-shirt on that says life and he was holding lemons. See ya. Dude, if you have to have a costume and you have to have the word of the costume on your t-shirt, you didn't try hard enough or you didn't try little enough. You're in no man's land. Take it off.

Put on a button down. Chill. Or fucking put on some fangs and go as a fucking vampire. Fucking put on some fangs and go as a fucking vampire. These costumes, dude, you didn't try or you tried too hard. Stop it. Put on jeans and a t-shirt. Chill.

Last time I dressed up, I was fucking Ethan Hawke in training day with four other guys who were ethan hawke from training day i was like 24 i think maybe one year after that i dressed up as keanu reeves from constantine all i really did was fucking roll my sleeves up but man i don't know ha Halloween, dude. I just, anytime these holidays happen, no. Christmas I love. Thanksgiving's, even though it's bad, historically it's shitty, it doesn't bother me in the way that the other holidays bother me or it's like I just can't wait until it's over. Halloween, St. Patrick's Day, fucking any holiday, New Year's, any holiday where drinking and going fucking out is the thing. I just can't wait for it to end.

Go out. I've always been like this. Anytime you go, anytime you're expected to do something because society wants you to do something i i fucking like i could never be in a frat didn't want to go to college didn't want to fucking that's why i do stand-up comedy anytime there's a team to fuck out of here man i gotta have rules now we put in oh there's a there's a thing now where i gotta have more rules already there's already the law i'll follow the law but anytime i gotta like go to school and oh you can't chew gum in the fucking class i see you you're gonna tell me where i can't fucking chew gum what is this what are we in a fucking what are we in communist russia

the fuck out of here hey you you gotta wear a tie you gotta wear a tie get the fuck out of here dude you're gonna tell me what kind of shoes i gotta fucking wear you know no i'm so happy to be back in la dude when i got back in la hey dude this fucking thing man how do i this fucking mic keep sliding the fuck over dude it's just so annoying dude it's just always swinging and fucking sucking and fucking dude there we go i'm fucking sucking and fucking man um so yeah so i'm just so happy to be in la and you know what dude you

know what i gotta tell you man this podcast, I'm chilling and you're chilling with me. This is a cult. You understand? And I know I say this over and over again, but we're chilling, dude. And you're listening to me and I'm happy you're listening to me and we're just hanging the fuck out, dude. There's no agenda here. I know I talk about getting the log cabin in the woods and all that shit.

And you're guarantee you're, you're right. We're doing it one day and we're getting the elders. By the way, the elders are stocking up, dude. I got some elders on some, on, on some back log here.

We, we, we, we, I'm proud of you motherfuckers. You understand? Like a daddy and a mommy. I'm both dude.

And, uh, and, and we're stocking up the, we're, we're stocking up the elders. And we're sending out those pins. But what we're doing here is chilling. Right now we're chilling. And I'm a happy motherfucker.

And you dudes are chilling too. And you chicks are chilling too. And we're just having a good time. And you're listening to me. And you're at your cubicle. Or you're driving somewhere. How about when people get mad because a guy dressed up as a chick for halloween and it's like they're like oh no dude i'm so fucking sick of people getting offended over costumes i don't give a fuck how about that and it's oh shit i'm a white guy so i can't say

that well how about this yeah don't give a fuck put on a wig it doesn't matter you got a cock put on a wig who cares you want to be the Chiquita banana fucking girl for Halloween and you got broad shoulders and a cock get some bananas and put on a fucking whatever that hat is she has I don't know put on those fucking big ass earrings and be the chiquita banana girl oh it offend a costume it offends you all right all right okay all right yeah i get it don't fucking paint your face black don't be a fucking idiot don't be a moron but chill you know look at these 50 look at it let's look at this most uh how about when you click on a website and you click on a website and then and then it's loading and then all of a sudden it just fucking goes away and then the oh my god well i mean holocaust victim this is something being sold anything involving blackface transphobic costumes

hold on what does it say here go up this tranny granny costume was pulled from walmart after facing backlash from consumers who pointed out that it mocks and satirizes transgender women in addition to using trans transphobic slur what's the trans oh it was called tranny cranny oh god i mean see here's the thing just if you're a fucking big enough idiot i see here's the thing i want to say dress up what you want to dress up as but then there's fucking this shit and then it's like everyone's fucking it all up a refugee Jesus Christ

a terrorist zombie versions of recently deceased celebrities oh wow this is stupid Zombie versions of recently deceased celebrities. Oh, wow. This is stupid. See, this shit isn't offensive. It's just stupid.

Go up. Go up. This one. This anorexia costume trivializes eating disorders, not to mention it's a terrible pun. It's just stupid. It's just dumb. You're a dumb fuck if you think that that's clever. How about I'm offended about how fucking stupid that is?

What is this here? Lion killer dentist Halloween costume. Look at this. A mentally ill person wearing a straight jacket as well as any oh fucking shut up shut the fuck up go ahead go up go up look at this wearing a straight jacket as well as any other equipment typically associated with the institutionalization of someone with mental illness trivializes how devastating these conditions can be dude Dude, don't do Halloween then. Don't go to a party if you're going to be offensive. Look at these morons

dressed up as 9-11 buildings on fire. How about just how stupid that is? It's just so dumb. People dress up as the buildings on fire. It's just so dumb people dress up as as the buildings on it's just dumb offensive is like to have it hurt your feelings is just like just they're just dumb you know people's feelings are hurt so much now It's just unbelievable. Like what George W. Bush did grabbing that girl's ass and making that fucking idiotic joke. Hey, who's your favorite magician? David Coppa feel.

And then he fucking grabbed her butt. Yeah, that's like shame on him. What a fucking idiot for doing that. Here's the deal, dude. Did that scar you for life did that did that scar you for life did that scar you did a 93 year old guy patting you on the ass saying hey my favorite magician is david coppa feel did that scar you i don't know rape scars you sexual assault scars you but i look i'm a guy so i haven't fucking dealt with this shit my whole life you know being i mean a lot of times people fucking you know uh people objectify me sure it happens i'm fucking out there you know um and uh i can be seen i'm in the fucking public eye i had uh i actually had a girl a woman in her

60s at least asked for a picture with me uh and grabbed legitimately grabbed my my my cock and balls and squeezed them like groped me i fucking forgot about it until now it didn't make me mad yeah did i say hey what the fuck are you doing yeah um i forgot about it until now uh so it didn't scar me uh now i don't live with the uh i don't live with that i don't live with you know uh i don't live as a you know i'm not i'm not um what do you call it, objectified like a woman is. I'm not, you know, I don't live with that fear of being raped everywhere I go like women do. So it's different for me, 100% sure. Of course, understand. George Bush, what he did was, it was a shit. It was shameful and it was stupid and it was mostly not funny and

offensive because of how dumb it was. David Coppa feel, but to call that sexual assault, that's, that word needs to be looked at. That word needs to be looked at assault That word needs to be looked at. Assault. You know what he was doing? Pervin.

That's what he was doing. He was pervin. And pervin is not okay. But also, it's not assault. He was pervin. If you're not, hey, don't perv. And the older you get, the easier it is to perving. If you're not, hey, don't perv. And the older you get, the easier it is to perv.

Because you start getting into that creepy territory. Like I'm a 37-year-old guy. If I check a girl out at Starbucks, is it perving? I'll tell you what, not if she's fucking 32. If she's 20, is it perving?

It's a little bit more perving. Okay? But if you're fucking 32. If she's 20, is it perving? It's a little bit more perving. But if you're fucking 93 and you're checking out a 20-year-old girl, you're perving, dude. I just, with the assault word, you know? What Harvey Weinstein did was assault uh what george w bush did was straight pervin dude and i'm not saying it's okay i would not do that but i also wouldn't think it's funny to say hey who's your favorite magician david coppa field

oh god that's so not funny. But come on, man. I want to know if that scarred her for life. Because somebody made a horrible joke and fucking felt her butt. I don't know. I don't know. All right, here we... Hey, hey, is...

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True baby, man. No cooters. No cooter. Like fucking, you know, this song, TLC with the girl in the band that died, Left Eye.

So sad? Too soon. Anyway, fuck yeah, dude. I'm in a good mood, dude. How about that? I'm in a good fucking mood. How about that? How about that?

How about that? It's annoying what I'm doing, Jesus Christ. Oh, man, all these guys are getting exposed, dude, I don't know, I wonder if, one time I was in a urinal at a fucking nightclub in New York, and this gay guy, I assume he was gay, I think it was a gay club I was in, I don't know how I got up, how I wound up, I was in New York, you know what I mean, it was fucking, I was 21, I had a gay club i was in i don't know how i got up how i wound up i was in new york you know what i mean it was fucking i was 21 i had a gay friend and we went to like this gay club or something and um he uh he was like uh this gay guy goes like this nice car oh nice car he like looked over and went oh nice cock you know that's my story but motherf motherfuckers, I was waiting for the guy version of it, this whole Anthony Rapp thing,

I was waiting for the fucking guy version of it, and here it is, it happened, the guy from Star Trek, we should have known it was going to be a guy from Star Trek, you know, Star Trek Discovery, or some shit,

do they still do, how about that they still do Star Trek, but yeah, They still do. How about that? They still do Star Trek. But yeah, calling out Kevin Spacey. I want to know about the guy. How about the girl? I want to know about like, you know what? You know who's shitting?

You know who's shitting? These are the two people that are shitting right now. These are the two people that are shitting um the people who are on next like you like you know i don't want to name names because i don't know who they are but there are people out there that have done this shit like that james tobiak guy or whatever the fuck 310 women came forward like what a fucking piece of shit that guy is and then also he was shitting he was shitting when that weinstein stuff was happening and then the guys that are shitting now that are like next on the list and then also the women that were like yeah or even the guys i bet there's more

guys that are like yeah i'll suck your dick for parts. Like those, what about those guys? That like are in movies that are famous now because they're like, well, no, I'm not gay, but yeah, I'll suck your dick. Yeah, sure. Fuck me. Fuck my butt. Fuck my butt.

Fuck my butt so I can be in the Phantom Menace, what about that, those guys are shitting too, because you know, you know, you know, you know there's some guy out there, that's going to get called out, for doing this shit,

and then he's just going to fucking be like, Tupac, and he's going to be like, yeah, but what about when I fucked that one guy, and that was in the Phantom Menace, yeah, okay, yeah, but what about when I fucked that one guy and that was in the Phantom Menace? Okay, fine. Yeah, I did some grimy ass shit.

But what about how I fuck Hayden Christensen and that was a star? You know, take me to jail, motherfuckers. But how, motherfucker? You know? I can't even think of another guy. How about how I fuck Dennis Leary and put him in the ref? Ah, shit. Just found this out, huh?

That's new, right? House of Cards canceled. You knew that was coming. Fuck. Wow. Wow. It's a crazy fucking time we're living in, man. Wow.

Why don't they just kill him off, you know? And have it be about Robin Wright Penn. That would have been really gangster. That's what i would have done fucking i'd be like you're not fucking my business up you know you're not fucking my business up bro yeah assassinate him dude do what happens when somebody dies treat them like they're fucking dead i mean if someone's gonna be a piece of shit and try and fuck a 14 year old boy put them out of your business bro don't take your business down fuck that shit dude or you know what no you know what you do dude no you know what you really do get another actor to play the guy fuck that get anthony rapp to play him you know oh bro that fuck that if i ran netflix and probably why i don't run

anything bro i would have been like hey star trek how much do i have to pay to get anthony rap to now play fucking frank underwood is that the guy's name oh dude and you know what straight up make him bald dress him up try and get the best special effects team. No CGI, no nothing. Make me up like fucking Kevin Spacey and play fucking House of Cards. And have Anthony Rapp be like, hello, like do Kevin Spacey. Like, I'm the president now. Like, play like him.

Gangster shit. And then you know he'd win the president now. Like, play like him. Gangster shit. And then you know he'd win the fucking Emmy. You know he'd win the Emmy. You'd know it. Fuck that, dude. Gangster shit. Motherfucker, you gonna molest some kids? You out my business.

And I'm gonna take that motherfucker you tried to fuck and put him in my show yeah this is how we gonna do this fuck Kevin Spacey fuck James Tobiak fuck Harvey Weinstein fuck those motherfuckers

you came riding in with we gonna take Anthony Rapp and he gonna be the next Frank Underwood that would be I've never seen House of Cards you god damn right i'm tuning in then wow

wow it's amazing how much how many people fucking affect it affects you know it's like affect it affects you know it's like fuck i mean they fucking they fucking never uh i mean these people like all those people are out of work now too you know besides the fact that anthony rapp had to live to live with this for the rest of his fucking life since he was 14 which is fucked i mean dude if somebody tried to like fucking get on me and like fuck me and i was like wait and dude women have to deal with this all the time and that's so fucked up and i guess you know gay hollywood has to deal with that a lot i don't know should we take some uh twitter questions or some shit i'm like that fucked me

up uh oh let's do the elder we got a new. Hey, on a brighter note, sorry, but it's troubling times. By the way, when I was in Australia, everybody's so nice. I learned something when I was in Australia. Americans generally are dicks, dude. Let's stop being dicks, okay? Like fucking straight up, dude. The customer service in Australia, I thought by the end of every customer experience I had, I thought I was dating them. That's how nice they are.

They talk to you. They smile. Now, first of all, I don't want to be talked to all that much. That's fine. But they kind of like rode the line, you know? They could tell when I didn't want to be talked to and they just felt it out. But, dude, people inica are dicks dude people who work at the airport in australia are nice in hell at the airport the airports are like a fucking destination by the way

but they're nice in australia they're nice well let me help you with your bags. Where are you coming from? Laughs and shit. It's like they're your grandma or your aunt or some shit. In America, we are dicks. We are dicks, dude. We gotta be better at that shit, man.

Don't be a fucking dick, dude. Um, that shit man don't be a fucking dick dude um all right elder time this guy's overdue actually uh eric brown is the next elder at eric thomas b on twitter so wish him a congratulations for the congratulations elder pin and certificate. He made an amazing animation of a segment from episode 22. You can just YouTube it. Congratulations podcast animated. It's on my YouTube channel.

It's amazing. It's beyond elder worthy. This guy must have taken him fucking seven years to do. Check it out. It's up on the YouTube channel and let's give Eric a big congratulations on Twitter. We'll DM you, Eric, with the details to get your pin and certificate, man. And you got to rock that pin. The pin's cool, man. I wear it on my backpack.

People ask me what it means all the time, and that means that they're not babies. So whatever. I have yet to walk around, although I'm me. I want to hear about stories. There's only like four elders so far, by the way, we have a lot of elders that are, are,

are coming. I already told you, I already said this on the, on the episode, but we've got a lot of elders coming up, uh, that are just fucking long overdue, uh,

that do some great, great stuff, uh, for the, for the cult. Um, uh, so yeah,

but, uh, why don't we take some Twitter questions, huh? Um, uh, so yeah, but, uh, why don't we take some Twitter questions, huh? Um, your thoughts, Matt shit tone. That's not his last name for real shit on S S C H I T T O N E shit one. Cool. Hey, Matt Shitone. Well, definitely, if that is your last name, you have already heard that, and I'm sorry because that's so fucking hack. But congratulations, Pod. Your thoughts on people that bring binoculars to a baseball game, World Series Gaming, the

system. Well, no. Here's what it is. If you have a kid, cool. If you don't, put them away. If you don't, walk up if you don't walk up closer that's the rule if you got kids and you want to fucking show them and you want to share a moment with your kids fine um but bro put them no killers away uh carlos barkley at young candle well 100 change it young candle

worst rap name ever hey chris talia what's the most australian thing you've seen in australia well i mean the filthy ciggy thing text was the most amazing thing I've saw in Australia. I mean, I saw it having a filthy ciggy. Um, but how about they, they drive on the other side of the road and it just fucking every time I was in the car, it was, uh,

it was scary as shit. Cause I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,'d look the wrong way, and I'd fucking walk, and I'd almost get hit by cars. I was like that idiot foreigner. That fucking guy that I'd be so mad at in America. What's that? Why do they have that? Oh, that's stupid. Oh, yeah, I saw that. Yeah, you guys were tweeting your CUuda shirts and your other shit and uh

uh oh and um and uh and your and your true babies and all that shit uh should we do fucked up instagram post of the week i haven't looked in a while let me go to my uh-oh folder um god all of these i've done already jesus christ this is a good one well this is the first one that came up on my uh-oh hey guys it's time for the most fucked up instagram post of the week so uh all right this one is a picture of a guy in the desert standing alone with one of those trendy, what are they called? The fucking, remember when those things were trendy? These things.

Those fucking neck i don't want to be racist but they were like the neck uh god what no it was like a fucking i can't do it i gotta it was like a the they put them over their scars what do you call them i don't know maybe you know what I'm talking about. But they were like white and black. And they put them around their neck. People were wearing them one year. All year. Yeah, it was like a... It looked Middle Eastern.

I don't want to be... I feel like I'm racist no matter what the fuck I say about these things. Anyway, you know what I'm talking about. He's got it all around his face. And it's probably a white guy. Let me look. Maybe. I don't know if he's white or what.

No, it wasn't a helmet. Anyway, he's jacked, of course, because his shirt's off, and that's a thing on Instagram. And it says, the desert is the theater for human struggle of searching. Dot, dot, dot. For God. What? The desert is the theater for... Okay, first of all, the desert is not the theater, okay?

It's the desert. So that means what? It already doesn't mean anything and there's four words in. For the human struggle of searching for God. What does that even mean? Does that mean anything? Or is that just a bunch of fucking malarkey horse shit? The desert is the theater is the theater already means nothing

i guess you could say the desert is the theater for scorpions but they don't do theater so no but that's the only way you can end that sentence is the desert is the theater for camels but he says the desert is the theater for the human struggle. I also don't like how he says the human struggle. Just say human struggle. Of searching dot, dot, dot. What do they call those? Ellipses?

For God. What? So God's in the desert or something i don't know fuck's that mean say ya shemog that's what it's called shemog i'm probably not saying it right probably not saying it right um anyway that's the most fucked up instagram post of the week and i'm about to wrap up here this was a fun show because i was just chilling relaxing having a good time um oh how about the fucking thing i retweeted it um uh uh southwest airlines is gonna fucking uh have live music on an airplane dude you know what i you know what i don't want on the airplane period is when they play the music it's so annoying when you're somewhere and and someone

decides this is the music we're going to listen to, and you're not at a concert. If you're at a coffee shop, they play the saddest emo shit, and I was on the fucking plane coming back, and while we were all boarding, they were playing some fucking, what's that style of music? It wasn't this song, but it might as well have been, you're beautiful. Was that James Blunt? Relax with that shit i'm putting my fucking

duffel bag above my seat and i gotta start crying about a like a breakup or some shit that i don't even think about anymore i'm fucking putting a duffel bag above my seat i'm making sure my fucking tray table's up and i gotta to hear some fucking song about the ocean and waves and love. Fuck. You're going to have music on a plane. You're going to have a band on the plane. And you're going to charge me extra for a checked bag. What about the fucking singer and the fucking backup vocal guys?

What about how that costs money? Or what, they come on and sing while you're bored and then leave while you're not? Hey, guy, get a gig. What about, what about, are they on the plane when you're on the, dude, yo, you got, you better fucking believe it. I'll be like, hey, get, boom. You better fucking believe it. I'll be like, hey, get... First of all, they can't hear it because someone's fucking rocking out playing some fucking...

Dave Matthews. In air, it says. Southwest has been hosting in-air shows occasionally since 2011. Oh my God, look at this. Billboard reports that the series has only grown in popularity over the past six years as Southwest passengers

hope that their flight will be one of the lucky ones to feature. Dude, hey, I'll tell you right now, I'll never fly Southwest because of that. If a guy fucking shows up with a guy... First of all, I get mad when a guy brings his guitar as a carry-on. This guy's going to be plugging into an amplifier? Let me out of here.

Let me out of here. Or God forbid, not even covers, he's going to play his own shit? I got to listen to some fucking bullshit new guy that's got 3,000 followers on Twitter? Some local band that I'm going to discover through Southwest? Dude, pack it up. If you're fucking enjoying live music on an aluminum tube 30,000 feet in the air, get captured. I hope those are the planes that go down, by the way. For fuck's sake.

What's he going to take on takeoff? Hey, dude, what about turbulence? What about in the middle of the fucking, let me out of here, let me out of here. So the captain has decided to put on the seatbelt because of some turbulence. So everyone take your seats. Let me out of here. Okay. So everyone take your seats. Let me, I had a wrong.

Okay. And then the fucking, we're going to have to take the mic stand. And then the fucking, uh, steward or stewardess. Um, sir,

you have to actually put your seat up to the band guy. You have to put your seat up, sir. You, you need to put your guitar above the thing it doesn't fit oh i'm oh okay well you guys hired me to sing but okay okay well okay oh i'm the biggest bitch alive okay oh i'm i'm a fucking piece of shit oh you're treating me like a piece of shit oh okay i mean god you know you guys just hired me to sing some james blunt but Oh, I'm a fucking piece of shit. Oh, you're treating me like a piece of shit? Oh, okay. I mean, God, you know. You guys just hired me to sing some James Blunt, but... Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll put my tray table up. Oh, okay, excuse me.

That guitar is expensive, actually. Handle it with care. Okay, thank you. Okay, and now you're free to walk around the cabin. Uh-oh, should we just start with... Leave me out of here! Leave me out of here! And bam!

Alone! Leave me out of here. Leave me out of here. Babylon. Oh, man. I'm going to wrap this up, dude. Don't fly Southwest because of that. But I'd still rather fly Southwest than fucking United. How about that, huh? All right. Square Cash.

Have you switched yet? Download the free square cash app design your cash card get it for ios or android now uh new shirt up in the store there's a new shirt up in the store the no cuda shirt and it's awesome it's it's i might be my favorite every new one is kind of my favorite because it's new and i like the new shit but this one is awesome i really like this true baby one too this is the two. The two newest. The two newest. Subscribe, rate, and review the show, please. It helps me out. More people are watching the video on YouTube.

But I want to get those podcast numbers up too. So help me out. Help us out. It's us, really, if you're in the cult. Hashtag congratulations pod. Hope you're enjoying the video episodes on YouTube. Videos go up every Thursday. Buy the latest.

They go up on Thursdays at the latest. So do that. Upcoming shows. Buy tickets at crystalia.com, Columbus, Ohio. I think that might be sold out. I think I added another show. If I didn't, it'll come up soon. Irvine, San Jose, Riverside on New Year's Eve.

Didn't know that until right now, but yes, I remember saying yes to that. So join me in Riverside. Winnipeg, Calgary. I added a new show in Winnipeg. Calgary tickets almost done. Man on Fire. Watch it, re-watch it, like it or whatever on Netflix.

Thank you for listening, you guys. It's been great. It's been a great fucking thing here, man. Back in America. Sayonara, my babies. Until next time. Thank you.