Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 401. Facebook Marketplace Killer

Episode Date: September 12, 2024

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You'll flip for $4 pancakes at A&W. Wake up to a stack of three light and fluffy pancakes topped with syrup. Only $4 on now. Dine in only until 11 a.m. at A&W's in Ontario. Baseball is finally back. Get in on Major League action and swing for the fences with BetMGM, the king of sportsbooks. Log in or sign up to play along as BedMGM brings the real-time action. Embrace a season's worth of swings with BedMGM, your one-stop shop for all things baseball. BedMGM.com for Ts and Cs. 19 plus to wager,

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Other Alabama dates too. And, oh wait, I'm going to actually be in London, Ontario on Friday. I skipped that one on Friday, Saturday. Yeah. crystallia.com, go get tickets. And now here we go. we're in the 400s. This is the 401st episode of Congratulations. ["Congratulations"]

You ever get that stuff stuck in your head where it's just like for no reason? Power, power, power wheels, power, power, power wheels, power wheels. My, actually, that's like for no reason. Pow pow power wheels, pow pow power wheels, power wheels. My, uh, actually that's not for no reason because, um, somebody was talking to me about it earlier and saying that they got it for their daughter and, um, I, you know, the mind is a funny thing because I immediately remembered that jingle and I haven't thought about that jingle in hmm 30 years pow pow power wheels

power wheels um since see how I did it and but it's a good it's a good song they make good jingles you know they make good jingles out there this hi what is this I hold on you know what before I even, let me get my magic mind going. No. Besides that though, what is this pure super water? You know, some nerve, right? Super water, some nerve. To just call it super water. Super. Does that make you gay?

That's a gay word, super. If you use the word super, you mostly go out to dinner with men if you're a man. But whatever. Do gay guys date? They should just, you know, they probably got to cut the, they cut, they probably cut to the chase real quick. But you know, unless you're a hopeless romantic, uh, and, uh, look, it's all good. Uh, I had a, uh, a fine week, a good week.

I was in McAllen, Texas and also Beaumont, Texas. Um, we got on the plane, Denny, Denny Love and I, and I can't remember how it came up, but we got on the plane and he was ahead of me and he said, he said to the stewardess, he said, I'm sorry. I don't know why, cause she said, why? Why are you sorry? And then I said, he farted. And that's a great joke that you can just do, okay?

If somebody says they're sorry, and then other person says what for, you just chime in with he farted, or they farted, or she farted, right? And that's just a hilarious thing you can do. And I was being hilarious. And I did that, and the best part was she didn't even know that I knew him, right?

So there's this guy walking on a plane, and he says, I'm sorry, And then she says, sorry for what? And then I said, oh, he just farted. Hilariousness ensues, okay? Then the stewardess says, oh my gosh, no, oh gosh, you don't wanna drop a bomb in here. And she is, except she cut herself off because hey

ma'am you're on a plane and you work on a plane you're not just some you know yuck yuck sitting there you work on a plane that word should be void from your vocabulary period right because you work on planes. So she says, Oh wow. Yeah, boy, did he just drop a bomb? Oh, sorry. I can't say, I shouldn't say that. And hilariousness ensued even more. And that's, and that's great, dude. That's not even necessarily fart humor.

It's just all around good good silly banter sickened But anyway What's super water? Premium hydra lily's words on this premium hydrogen infused water elevate Functional fuel pure super water. This is all on this and then I go and then I go to the nutrition facts down the gamut zero zero zero zero zero zero nothing's in it. How many words you put out? Hey nothing's in it. Dude premium hydrogen, premium hydrogen infused water, elevate functional fuel, pure super water. Dude, just zero zero zero zero zero zero lying. It said supercharge your life, lying. Chill me, I'm more fun that

way. Lies. Drink me quick to activate hero mode, lies. Drink one to three cans daily for super status. Dude, what are we, kids? You know what I'm gonna drink this and I'll let you know how I feel. I shit myself. No, but, speaking of which,

my whole family was sick. We all got sick. Just one at a time. It wasn't like the whole family was sick. We all got sick just one at a time. It wasn't like the whole family went down. I don't know what's worse, the whole family going down immediately to where you're just chilling and nobody can do anything. And you're like, whose job is it to go get me turkey? Or is it, man, it was her, then me, then Calvin,

and then Billy, but Billy didn't even really get it because he's an infant, but he did kind of get it a little bit, but not really. There were just like so many underwears around our floor, just with like, I picked up one today, I don't even know how long it was there for, just with a shit stain in it, I'm like, all right, well, I just picked it up, walked it all the way over to the laundry room.

As I'm walking it, I look at it and my hands just, oh, just holding shit like it's car keys. So anyway, a lot of poop and fart humor. Let's veer away from that. I don't mean to. Ah, let's get into something nicer, right? Took my car out for the first time at night. New car, right?

And it's green. It's, oh, it's the color of duck shit, whoops. And I didn't mean for it to be the fucking color of us, of the stem of broccoli, okay? I didn't mean for it to be the fucking color of us of the stem of broccoli Okay, I didn't mean for that right not the top part. Okay, the bottom part. Whoops didn't mean alright Okay Yeah, okay. It's a color of money. All right. Okay fine. Yeah

What are you gonna do? But it stops people right right? They go, what color is that? Anyway, I went to In-N-Out. In-N-Out. How annoying is that? That jingle is not good. I mean, I don't know. In-N-Out is so good, but In-N-Out, In-N-Out. That's what a Hey Hamburgers killed it dude all about dude. I think honestly in and out commercials are terrible Yeah, we got it we got a guy locked in there he's perp in there He's in there the perps in there, and he's holding someone hostage. Oh, what do we do? Oh get in and out? Hey, we have it in out. What do I do we do? Oh, get in and out. Hey, we have in and out. What? Hey, no, oh, I'm coming out.

In and out. In and out. That's what it would be like. So, I got the, I took the, oh, I got a text. These popular folks. Oh, is that, did you just send me that?

Okay, let's play it. Let's play it. Cause it is kind of good though if you think about it, right? If you think about it. Okay, great, my, you know what, when you do, when you go to your, your texts on the computer and they don't catch up.

Hey, dude, do it quicker. I'll just play it on my phone. It goes like this. Oh, there's two different ones? Mm-hmm. That's your week. Oh, yeah, it's so weird that people go in the studio and rock this shit. You know? Like not even the guys with guitars or the singers. Like there's other guys there too, like guys who do the bass and stuff.

Some guy just. Oh, can we go again? Like that. Here, what's this one? Here, what's this one? Here's this one. Here's this one. Here's this one.

Here's this one. Here's this one. Here's this one. Here's this one. Here's this one. In and out. Ha ha ha! Dude! In and out! I mean just had it on deck for no reason, you know? Just sent it to me immediately talking about In and Out. Just had the In and Out audio on it already. Super cool. Just super cool to do that.

Um... But yeah, uh... I was at In andN-Out, went in there. I love being a comedian and let me tell you why. One of the reasons that this is one of the many reasons. When people say, as an, okay, so also I've acted in stuff too before, right? But like, thank God I'm not an actor

because here's what happens if you're an actor. This is a life hack I figured out way too late. Where people say, dude, where do I know you from? I used to be like, oh, maybe you've seen me in something I don't know, and they're like, but what, can you name stuff? And you're in this thing where you're, you either name something that you've been in,

you either don't respond and you say like, oh, I've been in a lot of things, you guess. And then you're sitting there while they're thinking which is awkward or you say oh it's from this and they go no I didn't see that and then you look like a piece of shit because you're like oh okay what's not that okay well yeah I guess a lot of people didn't see that but so I now I just say because I haven't acted in stuff in a long time so now I just say, because I haven't acted in stuff in a long time, so now I just say, oh dude, you probably see me on TikTok or Instagram, I'm a comedian.

Yeah dude, it's a life hack. If you're famous, it's a life hack, okay? Just say, you could do that. Also, if you're an actor, you can just take that. Actors are so corny, huh? God, actors are corny. God, actors are corny. God actors are corny. Like what did the fucking guy say? Glenn Powell? I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. He goes yeah. Here we go. Here we go.

Glenn Powell said this. When they show up and pay their $15 for a ticket, they'll at least be able to say, I know that this dude is going to try to deliver quality. He's going to summon every bit of himself to try and deliver quality. A butcher. Dude, I whenever think of delivering quality, I think of meat.

So, summon every part of myself, you know? Like he's Satan. Like he's Boba, hey, are you Boba Duke? Dude, oh, dude, hold on, what's the character? Hold on, let me summon every part of myself. Hold on, hold on, who is it? Beelzebub? Let me summon every part of myself.

Guys, can you get some candles and line them up in a circle, please? Thank you. And let me sit inside. Can you do one of those pentagrams? Thanks. Okay, here we go. We're about to shoot.

Okay, hold on one second. Light these up. Here we go. Okay, let's go, dude. And he's just acting in a romantic comedy. and he's just acting in a romantic comedy. Ha ha ha ha ha. Um. Uh, so yeah, so I was at In-N-Out.

And uh, for uh, forgive me, I was at In-N-Out. And um, I get there and somebody says, where are you from? I say, TikTok, I threw that thing out there. I'm like, hell yeah, dude, got out with it. Frick yeah, dude.

Life hack. And then... And then he goes, and then I leave, and some, like she's probably like 20, walks up to me from one of the outside tables at In-N-Out. And she says, excuse me. And I go, here we go again. Ha ha ha ha.

Sweetheart, it's probably from TikTok, right? And she, I'm a comedian, I don't know if you. And she just hits me with this. Now, she says, excuse me and I say yes, and she says would you mind if I prayed for you? And I'm just like I'm sorry, and she says would you mind if I pray for you? And I was like, sure. You know what I mean?

What do you say to that? Even if you're, I mean, I'm not really religious. No, no ma'am, no. Also, I wanna see what it's all about, right? What's she gonna do? What's she gonna do? What's she gonna do? I'm all for standing there watching someone do something. You know what I'm saying?

It's so awkward, but not really if I just think about how it's not awkward and I go, we're all in a world where there's a whole galaxy out there and there's another galaxy out there. It's so big. We don't even matter anything and she's just sitting there. And so she starts praying for me, you know. Hi, hello Father, we just wanted to, I just wanna pray for this man.

I know he's a voice for people and people know who he is and this guy, and I'm just, I'm just like, whoa, man. And she did it and I said, thank you very much. And I mean it, it was very sweet of her. I don't know if it's real or not, but she thinks it is, so thank you for doing that. But she was like, do you wanna go sit down and let's go pray?

And I was like, no, no, no, I gotta go get my food. And she was like, oh, why don't you? Well, let me just stand here and do it. So I did it and, I don't know if that's something that happens to people or what, but the amount of time someone's come up to me and asked to pray for me is probably six times. And that's too much. Well, that's too much. That? Well, that's too much.

That's too much for a random thing to be happening if you're having six times in a lifetime. Only four to four. Honestly, even if you're eight, that's too much. But you prayed for me. And I feel pretty good now. Maybe I had something to do with it. It was a weird experience at In-N-Out though.

I forget that In-N-Out is like a place where like kids go at like 9 p.m. to be, you know, cause they can't go to bars and stuff. And anyway, that's it. She prayed for me. And anyway, that's it. She prayed for me. My wife, dude, is like, she hit me with the, I live in Westlake now,

and so there's not much to go, well, I don't know what the things to go do are yet, right? Like the coffee shops close at four You know By 4 30 p.m. I'm like itching my neck trying to be like, what's that? Maybe there's a I guess I could go to Starbucks and And it's just what what it is, you know, it's fine the the I love it I love it there, right and But it is, you know, it's fine. I love it, I love it there, right? And my wife just hits me with,

I have something you can do for me. And I'm like, what, what? Because you gotta side eye that when your wife says, I have something you can do for me. Because hey, dude, if it's not fun, oh, if it's fun, if it's cool, if it's an interesting thing, hey, hey, wait a second, why aren't you doing it? Hey, wait a second, why is something cool you could do for me? Hey, wait a second, if it's cool, wait a minute, why aren't you doing it? Like she's gonna be like yeah, I was gonna scoop up a couple of blowjobs on the way to Target

No, hey, dude. Hey, wait a second. So I said, what is it? She says oh You can you I got something on Facebook Facebook Marketplace, which is Serial killer central by the way If I'm a serial killer and I really want to start serial killing or if I want to go on like a crazy binge Facebook Marketplace.com Hey, hey, I got, you know Lawn chairs, you know, lawn chairs. Come on, buy.

How much? So cheap. Yeah, real, what the? $15 for each? For all of them. What? I'll be right over. Stab, stab, stab, stab, blood under my... Dig, dig under my house, crawl space, store the body, don't get caught for 16 years. under my house, crawlspace, store the body, don't get caught for 16 years. Yeah. Hey Xbox One for sale! What? New in box. Really? Yup. How much? 40 bucks. How does that make sense? Come on by. Hey I'm here for the Xbox. Ding-dong. Open. Stab, stab, stab, stab. drag under cross base dig push in

above the other guy don't get caught in for 16 years Facebook market killer Facebook marketplace serial killer the Facebook marketplace killer it took me too many times to say that but um anyway I'm like oh okay um I'll go I'll go what do you what did you get there and she says a bench hey hey hey thanks for being frugal, but I don't want to drive 40 minutes away to get an old bench. Get a new one. Have them deliver it. After decades of shaky hands caused by debilitating tremors, Sunnybrook was the only hospital in Canada who could provide Andy with something special.

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usage. Accessories sold separately. The collab that you always wanted is finally here. Tim's and Nutella. It's time to enjoy Nutella in a new way with your favorite Tim's baked goods and beverages. Try them all today at participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time. But this is one she wants. This is an not an antique one but it was it was like a and it wasn't she was like I got it for such cheap. They don't only go for thousands of dollars, you got for like $100.

And I'm not gonna lie, it's a cool bench. But I like it. So I go, I go, where is it? Dude, she's like, oh, it's right up the way a little bit. Dude, it was 35 minutes away. Oh, fuck, dude, you know? It's like, oh, it's right up the way a little bit, dude. It was 35 minutes away. Oh, fuck dude. You know, it's just, I'm in the blazing heat going to get a bench from Facebook. And I'm like, is this my, is this it for me?

Like, is this guy just going to show up? I'm going to show up. Hi, I'm here for the bench. Stab, stab, stab, drag, go dig, dig under the crawl space on top of two other bodies. I don't get discovered for 16 years. on top of two other bodies, don't get discovered for 16 years. And so, so I go,

I get there, and the guy's outside of the place, the most cool normal dude ever, right? Just a regular guy in a good way, not in a regular way, boring way. He was a nice guy. Gives me the bench and he says, there you go, puts it in my car. We have a little small talk and then I say, so she said 125, right? And he said, you know what, I'm gonna be honest with you, we said a hundred, but

I don't want to lie to you. So I said, thanks bud, and I gave him a hundred and ten to split the difference because I'm a nice guy. And what he did was nice, dude. Instant karma. That's how I do it. If you do karma to me, I go instant karma back to you, right? So, I give him the thing and then that's it. I leave, okay? I bring the fucking bench back. I set it up, of course I set it up in the wrong place, even though she told me where to do it, I did it. She, it was different.

She's like, no, do it like this, okay. And she just stands back, looks, this is my, dude. This is my wife sometimes, just like this. You know? This is the number one thing a married woman does with kids. While window shopping. Dude, my mom, when she would window shop, she would just. Oh, yeah, that would look good in her. Right? And I'm just like... So she's staring at the

chair and she says, this is amazing. I love this chair. And she says, where's it from? And I said, Oxnard. She said, no, but like, what's the history of it? And I said, I started at this guy's house and I drove it over. And she says, you didn't ask the guy? And I was like, ask the guy what? And she said, uh, like where it comes from and like all the stuff about it. And I said, oh fucking of course not. Hey, I have a dick dangling in between my legs. Hey, what the heck balls are under

there whoopsie then it's an inch behind to my anus hey what the heck are these tits are a chest she's like you didn't ask I said ask the guy about the history of the bed? Two guys? You know, this guy's wife made him do it. We're just in a cul-de-sac in the street, just put a bench in my car. If I ask this motherfucker, hey, where's this bed from? He goes, huh?

What? It's from my living room. Dude, I, he, we don't know. Because of the dicks dangling. And the balls under that. The tape behind that and the anus under that! Right? Hey sweetheart, what's on the opposite side of my anus?

Oh, that's right! Some larger than charge Dude, I don't know where any bench is from. I will never know where a bench is from Okay, and she asked me like I thought like I Dude, she said isn't it she looked at me said isn't it a given? Dude, she said, isn't it a given? For me to ask, like, dude, I don't even know. If I put the bench in my car, started driving home,

didn't look behind me for 10 minutes, and then tried to remember what my wife had me pick up, I wouldn't be able to do it okay and she wants to know the history of the bench hey ask first dude I said why didn't you ask she's like I don't know I thought was cool it's a given when you get there you'd find out some info about it hey no you're not amazing so I mean that's just the difference between a man and a woman. I truly can't even understand, I can't fathom. Just you know, like women just, they're so different than men. It's like, and I know it's like, it's not even like, it's hacky to talk about, but it's like,

dude, we had a play date with Calvin, his friend, the mom came over, the two of them were just like... Dude, I go... It's like they're talking and stuff. Like for minutes and then they'll go, you know, to me. And I don't know. They say, you know, and I go, oh yeah, I don't know, yeah. Or is that, can I get out of it with that? Whoa, whoa, whoa, you know what I was thinking about? Pants, you know, just, well, there's a place called Pantstown in Westlake where you can buy pants and I was thinking of that.

And that's a cool, I was like, that's kind of a cool name, it's funny too, right? Pantstown is what I'm thinking of. Like that meme, I wonder what he's thinking of. Pantstown. It's just, it's just crazy. But men, dude. You know, every time I think men are this shit,

like, you know, you go back and forth, Every time I think men are this shit, like you know, you go back and forth, you think of, look, women are amazing, amazing in their own way, and men are amazing in their own way. And every time I'm like, man, women are amazing in their own way, or like when I think like, man, men are this shit, right? Like I think men are cool, you know?

I know men get a bad rap nowadays and stuff, but like I'm like, men are just utterly, there's a lot of them are pieces of shit, but I'm like, they're awesome, you know? I'm feeling good, a lot of cool men out there, men in my family, and then, dude, I'm just like on American Airlines and flying, and they have that thing where you sign up for the internet and you could just watch free stuff on your tablet so I

forgot I had a tablet because it I use it to sell merch when I go on the road and I'll go I just look at it on there like an idiot I didn't think about it right and and I got the tablet and I started like what am I gonna watch and I'm like you have shitty stuff that American Airlines is just going to recommend. So I see this thing and it's called control alt desire. Now that's what it's called. Worst title. However, worst.

Okay. You know, and whatever I click it because it's obviously about a guy. It's a limited series about a guy who is probably, you know, you don't know yet because you didn't read about it. A guy who's probably like murdered a family or something. And you're like, okay, well, this is right up my alley because I'm a human. Because all humans do now is watch murder porn

and that's all they watch is murder porn and crowd work. Like the number one video would be like if Matt Rife got fucking stabbed on stage you know while he's doing crowd work. Hey what kind of knife is that? what kind of knife is that? And just so... so I'm like all right this looks this looks good. I click on it three part mini series. I go oh and they go... a little bit in the description is more than it seems and it was drummed up the past and I'll go, Whoa, Oh, are you kidding me? Click immediate. Okay. Now it's cool being a dude and then you see something like this and I don't think I've ever, it's on Paramount plus, by the way, you can watch it. I don't think I've ever, I don't think

I've ever been more angry watching something. Probably I have, but I can't think of it in recent memory. This dude was living with his parents until he was 28, which whatever, I don't know, who's to say? I think it's pretty old, but he was a twin, okay? And his twin brother also lived at home with his parents. You decide, I don't know if it's weird, right? It's weird, it is, it's totally weird. And so they both become anesthesiologists, okay? Weird, but good, good jobs.

One of the highest paying, you know, like medical jobs or whatever. They're in school to become anesthesiologists. One of the twins has like an outburst of anger towards somebody and then gets thrown out of school. Okay? thrown out of school, okay? This derails his whole life. And he then becomes a nurse, because he can only be a nurse, and then after that he gets thrown up being a nurse,

and it's just like, he can't deal with it in the rejection. And then he starts, just saw, he sees a MyFreeCams ad and just clicks on it, right? Like that one time, that's just that one time you're like, all right, I've seen it enough, I'm a sucker, click, right? All right, this, that's just that one time. You're like, all right, I've seen it enough. I'm a sucker. Click, right? All right, this is the seventh time I've seen this. I guess I'm supposed to click it. Click.

Oh, free, no credit card. Okay, well click. Oh, why not? Oh, hey, wait. Look at these chicks. Hey, all right. Rocking. So, he finds a woman on the cams and develops some sort of quote-unquote relationship with her, over, I don't know, it's been a year or two, he gives her $200,000 of gifts. That's how they make it so distanced. Like oh, you gave him, oh yeah, he gave me, thank you for the coins, thank you for the gifts.

Hey, hooker, you're taking his money. Now that's fine, I don't give a shit. That's cool. That's a job straight up. You're a hard-working woman and he is a hard-working sucker. Just giving, and now this guy is, I don't know if he's hard-working is, well, I don't know if he's a hard working, you know, I don't know, whatever. It's probably stressful being a fucking cam girl. And so he, so the guy basically is like, well, okay, I love her now. Like a dumb, dumb dude, like a,, okay, I love her now. Like a dumb, dumb dude. Like a, oh, we have a thing now.

We talk on the phone, I love her now. Give her $200,000. The family tells him, stop. Stop doing this. This is money that you had and you've taken money from us. You got full-blown addiction, right? So he goes, ah, nah, and killed them all. Hey, killed his twin.

Hey, guy. And they're doing a documentary about him and they're interviewing him. And the whole time he's on zoom talking to the documentarian and he's smiling. Oh dude, I wanted to saw his head off. Some people just can't hack it, right? Wow. I can't believe that that, honestly, that was just, it was so sad and so fucked up. It's good though, Paramount+.

James Earl Jones died. And I was like, somebody sent me that. Dude, I have like one group chat of friends that like for some reason it's always the fucking, when someone dies, they go, hey, this person died. Like, I don't give a shit. No, not that I don't give a shit. I don't ever add to it.

It's other people always sending it. I'm like, okay. And they sent James Earl Jones died. And my first thought was he was alive? Dude, he was 90 for 30 years. Dude, he was old when, like he was the voice of Darth Vader. How old was he?

Field of Dreams, Lion King, you know, that guy, icon, great actor. He's one of those guys you look at and you go, oh, distinguished, you know. Him, Dennis Haysburg, Morgan Freeman, the three most distinguished motherfuckers alive. Michael Caine is distinguished. You know, you can't really just be a regular white guy and be distinguished.

You know, you've peace to James Earl Jones. I saw this picture of Dave Bautista, my old bud. I haven't talked to him in a long time. And it says he lost like 40 pounds of muscle. He looks, he went from dock worker to hairstylist. Like, and pearl necklace is just killing it, dude. Fuck yeah. He's a cool dude.

I really like this guy, but my God, he lost a lot of muscle. How do you even lose muscle? He still looks, dude. Fuck yeah. He's a cool dude. I really like this guy. But my god, he lost a lot of muscle. How do you even lose muscle? He still looks good though. I don't know. I don't know. That's got to be weird for him, huh? He's been so big for so long.

That gray beard's cool though, huh? I want my shit to go gray. Just fucking... How do you lose muscle, by the way? You just stop? He must be having the time of his life. Or is he sick? Or just doing blow?

No, he's not doing blow, I know that. Oh, this was so funny, dude. The, the, the, the bro, look at this video. Body armor company demonstrates the stab. I mean, wait, waste, waste zero time. Waste zero time. Body armor company demonstrates their stab production on their CEO. First of all oh Man, it's so funny when the CEO is like and if you don't believe me

I'll try it on myself like this is what remember they did with the life lock guy and then 95 people stole his identity Here's my social security number on the billboard on Sunset Boulevard now just everybody's him But um I at Boulevard now just everybody's him. But, um, I love that dude, cause you know, they're shit in a little bit, right? It's like when it's like, even when you haven't had sex with anyone and you go get an HIV test, you know, you don't have it, but you're still like, Oh man, I can't wait to talk to her. I was like, I'm thinking about it. Hi.

So it's negative. No, I know that. I knew I knew I didn't fuck anyone. I'm just saying I did go into jacuzzi. Who knows? I use a public toilet. I know they say you can't, but I... So this CEO's like, and to prove it's stab proof... By the way, if you're stabbing somebody and you... You know what? Let's just watch this video here. Hold on. you and you know what let's just watch this video here hold on it wastes no time just gives them a fucking straight-up butcher's knife and this dude who works

for the CEO just yeah thanks a lot here we go alright one two stopped stopped and gonna do it again. And showing the knife and again. Here we go. Another knife. Oh, did the gangster shank. Oh, a machete right here. Just hates his boss. Fucking cut his...cut...hit his leg. God. You know what? This guy could snap. Oh, and now the baseball bat just bash his head in.

Oh, he turned, he almost hit his arm. Dude, here's the thing about this. RBC has helped millions of young Canadians turn their most likelies into most definatelies, making their ideas happen with scholarships, internships, and skill development, plus resources for artists and athletes. Learn more at rbc.com slash support youth.

resources for artists and athletes. Learn more at rbc.com support youth. Your teen requested a ride but this time not from you. It's through their Uber Teen account. It's an Uber account that allows your teen to request a ride under your supervision with live trip tracking and highly rated drivers. Add your teen to your Uber account today. rated drivers. Add your team to your Uber account today. There's no way I would do the body armor thing and then, but even more so, there's no way I would be the stabber. I don't trust myself not snapping. I've never done a stabbing motion like that over and over again hard into someone. Why wouldn't I lose My mind and just start stabbing his mouth You know

Dude hates his boss so much didn't hesitate a second. I'll do it. Let me hear the volunteer. I'll do it and Then does it and then here's the thing about a suit You have a stabbing vest on first of all what you know who's walking around one of these on oh it's a bad neighborhood let me get my stab in vest all right I'm ready here let's go here's the other thing dude you stab that person one time, and you hear, KANG! You go, whoops!

Guess I'm going for the face! HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK HUR What's happening? Oh, whoops, up to the neck. I can't hold it anymore. Oh my God. Blood. Baseball bat, just keep not bashing his head. Dude, if you're trying to kill someone, you're gonna do it. This is stupid. They need a whole knife retardant suit. Just walking around looking like fucking Ultron hate this boss you know they fucked up our good Brooks Brothers shirt but whatever

his brothers they're not around anymore huh they are oh oh this was so good, dude. This was so good. Oh, this was so good. Oh, this was so good. I just few things I like more than that. It's kind of shit. This is two baseball announcers going off script. Just kind of going off script and feel a certain type of way about each other. And dude, it's really good. First of all, what are you doing already? But as I was driving here, I was thinking it'd be great to get a place that's close. You could walk back and forth

first of all What are you doing already? Like don't even say those things just be like hey can't Kim and Eddie's up You know, hey dude instead of that say ball three These announcers will do you're not Vin Scully These announcers, you're not Vince Scully. Vince Scully would just have a conversation with himself for like just nine years. He just never stopped. I feel like Vince Scully, when the game ended, he just kept going like, all right, well, I'm walking to my car and taking a few steps.

It's been harder to walk ever since my hip surgery which was five years ago definitely Scully is making strides in that department of walking but actually not back the way it used to be before the hip surgery swing and a miss. Start the car always makes me think of if looks could kill the old movie with Richard Griego. That was the first time I ever saw a keyless remote on a car. Ball one. So anyway.

This guy is just talking, you know? I know you mentioned Don Zimmer living out the apartments out center field. But I just had a lot of time to think on the team bus today because it was just very quiet. Here we go. So you'd rather me be chatty. I wasn't feeling great. I haven't seen you in a long time. You don't work road trips anymore when you're on the road. So I thought we would catch up, but it work road trips anymore when I'm on the road. So I thought we would catch up, but it quickly was evident that you weren't in the mood.

So I gathered my thoughts about how it would be nice to live close to Wrigley and walk back and forth to the park. I already said it. My wife. Interesting narrative that you're putting together. Oh, both my wife. Both my wife. Because I've been told by executives that you prefer to work with Ruko I laid the fucking smack down when he said you prefer to work with Ruko my wife Dude both guys are married to both guys. That's why that's why you two guys are matched up all the time

I Mean, that's just what I heard. I don't know why you two guys are matched up all the time. I mean, that's just what I heard. I don't know if that's the truth. I just put it together that the road trips you don't want to go on that I end up working with Ryan Rucka because we're willing to work the games on the road.

Oh my wife. Dude, that is so incredible that these grown men were just like, yeah, yeah, the Mariners are playing the Red Sox, however, I got, we got, well, how did it start? Yeah. And, uh, you know, you weren't very talkative on the bus this morning. Already dude, you weren't very talkative on the bus already.

How much, how much did the other guy that really irked the other guy? Right. Cause he came in, I was driving here. I was thinking it'd be great. You weren't talkative on the bus. Isn't necessarily a fuck you, right? It's like a, well, you know, you weren't talkative and that could be like, I don't want you not being talkative.

That's fine, but so this is what I was thinking of, right? But the way the guy took it and he fire, just listen to how he fires out right after. Great to get a place that's close. You can walk back and forth. I know you mentioned Don Zimmer living out, the apartments out in the center field. But I just had a lot of time to think on the team bus today.

That was enough for the second guy. I just had a lot of time to think on the bus because it was just me. Dude, that was enough. The first thing the guy could deal with, the first thing that you weren't very talking to me, it goes like, alright, you know, that pisses me off, but by the time he got to the second part, it had subsided, and then he just twisted the knife in a little bit harder, and then the guy goes, it's very quiet.

So you'd rather me be chatty? Oh! Ha ha ha ha! So get a load of this, so you'd rather me be chatty! Dude, he couldn't, he, he, it was one of those things where he goes, if it was in a book, he, it would describe it as, I heard myself saying, because he would already be saying it

because he didn't think about saying it, it just jumped out of him. Wow, dude. Wasn't feeling great. I haven't seen you in a long time. I haven't seen you in a long time. I just thought that we could catch up Right you don't work road trips and he twisted it twisted it in or when I'm on the road Oh

Sandy doesn't like him twisting it in Taking the knife bringing it all the way up to his Adam's apple, dude So I thought we would catch up but it quickly was evident that you weren't in the mood So I oh back down to the balls up to the Adam's apple balls out of that ball balls out of the ball as items Apple dude just slicing and dicing up up in the brain dude and the guy my thoughts about how it would be nice to live close to Wrigley out the anus up in the brain out the anus up in the brain this guy interesting narrative the most angry thing you could possibly say in an argument is, wow, interesting narrative.

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Interesting narrative that you really just kind of got going. You worked out, right? Really interesting narrative that you worked out there. Wow! Who's writing this book? It's certainly not an autobiography by me.

You're putting together because I've been told by executives they dropped about to drop the most conversational Hiroshima bomb of all time right here you prefer to work with Ruko That's why. No, no flash first. Dude, that's what that was. The flash and then nine seconds later you get hit with that radiation wave. That's why you two guys are matched up all the time. Dude, this is phenomenal. dude. This is phenomenal.

I mean, that's just what I heard. I don't know if that's right. Oh, dude, that's just what I heard. That's not me. Don't shoot the messenger. True to it. I just put it together that the road trips you don't wanna go on that I am working with Ryan Rucka

because we're willing to work the games. Brain balls, brain balls. Just straight up Colomb Columbia necktie. Um, wow, guys are great. That's great. Michael K and John Flaherty, you know. Um. That's just great.

I guess, uh, Kendrick Lamar is going to do the Superbowl, which is like, dude, all right, it's a bop. Yeah. It's a bop. Okay. Yeah. It's a bop. Don? Yeah, it's a bop Don't don't play it again, dude. Yeah

Rean on Rean in oh, yeah. Yeah, dude. It's a bop Okay, the first time I heard it. I was like, I don't know second time. I heard it. I I admit it It's a bop. Yeah, it's been stuck in my head for, you know, ever since the drug. Yeah, na, no, no, na, na, no. And like,

I guess Lil Wayne was gonna do it Oh because he's in New Orleans and now people are pissed off Dude you don't have to They don't have to pick fucking little Wayne also How many musicians come from New Orleans? Like, hey, you know, throw a rock, walk down that idiotic boulevard and just... She said, it's unfair, Nicki Minaj, denying a young black man what he rightfully put

into this game for no other reason than your ego. Likely referring to Jay-Z. She said, wow. She continued bringing Drake's name into the mix. Your hatred for Birdman, Drake and Nicki got you pushing Lil Wayne, Lil Wayne, the goat, punishing Lil Wayne. No, what's good? Eminem stood firm on having 50 Cent come out a white man.

Shit sad. Can't say the rest of it. Surprise I could say that much honestly. So he's not gonna do it. That's, they could just pick whoever, right? They could pick whoever they want. Jay-Z was the, partnered with the Super Bowl ever since 2019 to try to revamp the halftime show.

So that's what that's all about. He picked Henry Lamour. And I gotta hear that song more. I don't know. When will he be back? I'm almost done. Almost done with pod. So yeah. He's going to come out. The Super Bowl is October? No, when's the Super Bowl? February. February, right. No, October is baseball. So, okay, so February. So it's September, dude. He's

gonna play that fucking song. Rain on out. It's gonna be sold by then, dude. gonna be so old by then dude. Wop-wop-wop-wop-wop! Let me do my stuff dude I'm gonna go no I do if I have to and it's a good song some pop I admit it! Drake is a hitmaker though huh I put on some Drake today and I was just like alright all right, say what you want. He's a hit maker, dude. I mean, just. Crazy. Let's look at this shit here. Dude, the guy had a seizure at my show. Did I talk about this yet? On the podcast?

I always say that. I think it's been like three times I've talked about it. Don't need to bring that up anymore. But let's get my computers frozen. Hell yeah. Well, hell yeah. And the presidential debate is on Tuesday. Let's get my computers frozen. Hell. Yeah. Well, hell yeah and The presidential debate is on Tuesday. I

Mean What it it's only gonna get weirder like it's got to get so weird. Oh Wait, hold on. What's this? urban son Yo, that's the first time my man got a turban NYPD Oh If you know your culture you know that's not a fucking turban What is it? What is it?

You gonna ask me what it is? Yeah, I'm asking you what is it? What is that bro? Wow, has no idea It's a turban right? Uh-uh It's a turban What a fucking idiot

White guys always It's always these guys It is It's a turban. Oh. White guys always. It is. It's always the white guys, dude. God damn. That's pretty cool fucking turban. What is it? What is it? You gonna ask me what it is? Yeah, I'm asking you, what is it? Look it up.

What is that, bro? It's a turban, right? Wow, dude. What a fucking idiot! There's always these guys. So dick, dude. So dick. Oh, man.

What a fucking idiot, dude. Just straight up, because he knows the guy can't do anything. He's like, I'm not going to do anything. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this.

I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. Dude, that's so dick. Oh man, what a, ha ha ha ha ha! He said what a fucking idiot, dude. Just straight up, cause he knows the guy can't do anything, cause there's cops around. That's cool, man. They should get the ladies in bikinis with badges on them. Since they're gonna be giving everybody, you know, their shit.

They should be doing it. They should be doing it. They should be doing that. Just a black guy with a durag on his head with a badge on it. Yo, son, yo, son, spread them, son. Just so New York with Timbs on. Everyone else got black boots. All the other cops got black boots. He's got Timbalands on. Yo, son, spread them, son.

Hey, son. Now I don Now I need those handcuffs I'm gonna grab them come on right quick in the back there we go. a Dodge Charger cop car. Look it up, the guy goes. You gonna ask me? Look it up. Dude, that's the most New York thing. This is the most New York thing that could possibly happen. Is a dude just straight up,

not giving a fuck, harassing a cop. Not really actually harassing, but just bothering. And then the cop just like, chiming in and the dude being like, know your culture, you know, like some woke BS on a fucking NY in New York. And then the dude just laughing in his face, calling him an idiot, his ass in New York.

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