Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 406. Die A Little Bit

Episode Date: October 10, 2024

😮 Holler price drop! Get a shoutout on Congratulations for $25 for the next week: holler.baby/chrisdelia 🎤 MY SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is here: chrisdelia.com/god 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. This week Chris makes a trip to CVS to get Kristin some Prilosec. Plus Elon Musk is s'incy, advice for Danny Go, and Zuck's Porsche minivan. 📦 Get a 60-day free trial at shipstation.com/congrats. Thanks to ShipStation for sponsoring the show! Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/chrisdelialive 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's the powerful backing of American Express. Terms and conditions apply. Visit amex.ca slash business platinum. Runk. Hey, we'll be in Birmingham, Alabama, Montgomery, Alabama, Mobile, Alabama, and Torrance, California. I got dates coming up. Torrance, California, Toronto, Ontario, Bismarck, North Dakota, Sioux Falls, and then Brea.

And then I'm actually doing Covina in January, California. A lot of California dates. And then more California dates coming up. I think I got a bunch of California dates in January. I'm gonna, those aren't up yet, but I'll announce them soon. It's January, technically next year. But right now we gotta get into the newest

episode of congratulations. Dude, my Juan Fierro goes, always does the thing where he goes, and three, two, like he's showing it to me from the news, dude. This is the news, honestly. This is what it is. And you know what I did I Ate beforehand and you know what you know what the problem is when I eat beforehand here ain't the congratulations or really when I do any podcast I Get this Need to clear my throat

To do like that now. I, I don't look at the comments most of the time, sometimes I do, but very rarely I heard that people are saying I'm clearing my throat too much. Now what is it? I don't know. It's a new thing. It happens. Maybe it happens like every year when it starts to get a little bit, when the fall hits, I don't know, I'll have to find out because it's super annoying but guess what I did? Got

Prolasec. Because somebody said in the comments, get Prolasec. Is that what's called? Prylasec? Prylasec? Is it? Yeah. Prylosec? Oh, I thought it was prolosec. Got Prylosec. And the only reason why I got it. So I went to the Laugh Factory last night. Dude, I do you ever like. It's so hard sometimes to just actually have your brain on. Right? Like to actually think of the things

that you need to think of and then make your body do those things, right? And sometimes it's not a big thing. It's like, oh, I didn't look while reversing out of the the the driveway, and I should have because there could have been a bike helmet there that my son left and I just went for it. And I know that that's an issue. So why didn't I look? Oh, and I thought about looking before I got in my car and I just got in my car and just

Didn't look and just reversed, right? And and And it's like why does that happen? Because I thought about it and then I get in my car and then my brain goes, man, chocolate's good or something. Or isn't it weird that we all have cars? You know, and then I just maybe I'll scrape the bottom of the of the car because of it, just because of thoughts and not having the right ones.

So I'm at the Laugh Factory. Crush crushed it. Not a big deal, right? Went on late, still needed to just show them the business, right? But it was fine. Put up two TikTokers before me, special guests, and went on last, still had to show them the business. and it's all good, right? Way late went after guys who kill still had to shawm. Different when I do my show on the road, people are ready for it. And then different that is different than going on stage in Hollywood in the heartbeat of Hollywood, just going on too late when the crowd's tired and still having to show them the business and I did all right but that's not what this story is

about and I don't brag right and showed them the best so I did that and then I left. Now I left. Now I have, as I'm, now it's too late, right? Now here's a new thing that's going on in my life. Hey, hey, now I'm a comedian. I am a night owl by trade. Dude, hey. New, hey.

New, new thing. 10-15. Lights out. 10-15. Whoops! Can't get the f- Cannot! Whoops! Can't keep my eyes open!

10-15 rolls around, my eyes like a garage door opener. I can't I don't care we I it doesn't matter it I could I could be watching the most gripping I could be watching good fellas I could be watching good fellas in my house you know what I mean like good actual fellas doing the play Goodfellas in my house, garage door, just half mass my eyes. Like I've been, like I'm a space cowboy, okay? And I'm, so I go like this, I got the late spot at Laugh Factory.

I'm gonna go on, they text me, hey, spot's at 11, 10. I know the spot's gonna be at 12, right? And he was right. I go, I gotta get coffee, I get coffee, I go. And now I'm up. I get off stage, you know, it's like 12 something. I'm like, oh man, I gotta drive all the way back. 40 minutes to home, right?

Because I don't live in Hollywood anymore. So I'm like, that's fine. Check my phone. Hey babe, will you get me Priolisec? What is it? Priolisec? Will you get me Priolisec? I have heartburn.

I just took a pill. It won't go down and it hurts so bad. And I go, hmm, yeah, I will. And here's where my brain ruins everything, okay? The absolute easiest thing to do is go to the CVS or the Rite Aid right across the street and get the Priryolasec. Is Pryolasec or Prylasec? Prylasec.

There's no O. So, okay. So, um, they just want there to be an O in it for some reason. So Prylasec. So I say, so I go like this. Yeah, but you know what? I'll get it on the way home. I don't want to do anything extra.

I'll just get it when I'm on my way home and I'll stop at a drugstore or something. Get in my car, go over the hill. Laurel Canyon, get on the 101 and I go, awesome. I'll stop. And then I just don't stop the whole time. Okay. Now why? I just don't stop the whole time. Okay? Now, why? I... Now, this is like...

They could do a whole eight year series like Ancient Aliens, where it's like... There's really no answer. We know... Well, there is an answer in Ancient Aliens. We know that there were... There were not aliens, right? They made a whole show about ancient aliens. Hey, did aliens come down here and make the pyramids or whatever, right? And it's just like, no! You know? It's just like instant no, right? Like the credits should happen and as the credits happen, they go ancient aliens, we're aliens here at the end it goes no psych not a show you're a dumbo but instead they made 200 seasons being like well the aliens could have put sand here there's really nothing else that explains when there's plenty of shit that explains we just don't know what it is but it's not aliens right okay so we

don't know how they made the pyramid we don't know how they did all that stuff you know Stonehenge or whatever the hell where the rocks are too big but it's like they didn't develop police systems yet or some shit I don't know but it's like we don't know how so I don't know how I got all the way to Westlake Village without getting the prilosec I don't know how I got it, how I got there, but I did dude. But you know what? Never you mind. Never you mind because, now here's the thing, never you mind because there's drugstores everywhere, right? They're everywhere, including all the cities that I'm gonna be in. And this is one of them, Westlake. So I'm like, hey, Porsche. Yeah, I know. It's a flex,

but that's what I did. How may I help you? It's a woman in my Porsche, you know on the She says hey, I say CVS close by Nine options all of them are 25 miles away. Yes, dude So I go hey, wait a second. That's not okay. And it's also not true. So now I'm pissed. And I go,

There's gotta be one in town. So I look it up on my phone now. And I look up and CVS, there is one right down the street. So now I'm pissed at Porsche. Okay? And I look it up on Yelp and it says closed so now I'm pissed at CVS so I'm like alright I look the next closest one says it says it's 15 minutes away but also says it's

in Thousand Oaks now if you don't know anything about Southern California, Thousand Oaks is basically inside of Westlake Village. So I go, now I'm pissed at geography. Just say it's in Westlake. But it says it's 15 minutes away. But Thousand Oaks isn't pissed. So now I'm just pissed off at maps. So then I'm like, hmm, okay, well you know what?

I'm gonna just drive where it says because hey, dude Why would it be wrong? Because because the CVS will be where it says and if it's ten minutes away Who cares got my new car gonna have fun gonna listen to Duran Duran all the way there So I get in a guy go and here's the real kicker. Here is the real kicker. As I get on the exit, the entrance of the freeway, and this is the real, real kicker,

and this is the most husband shit you can possibly do. I, in my head, I go, she better be fucking awake when I get back to take this goddamn pill and I better still be hurting. That pill better be like the sword in the stone in her chest cavity. It better, if it has moved down one iota, then I'm pissed at anatomy. Right? So I'm like, this is gonna take me 30 minutes. She'll be awake. Well she's in excruciating pain, she says, right? You

know? So I'll come on back, take a pro sec. She's she's in excruciating pain, she says, right? You know, so I'll come all back, take a pro sec. She's asleep, dude. I'm gonna wake her up. I'm gonna make her take the fucking pro sec. Pro sec. Wanted her to be on it so bad. So, um, so I drive and as soon as I get on the freeway, it goes, oh, psych, it's in Camarillo. I don't know if you know much about Southern California, but Camarillo is 15 minutes away and it's not Thousarillo. I don't know if you know much about Southern California, but Camarillo is 15 minutes away and it's not Thousand Oaks. So I go, hmm, hey, guys, whoever's in, hey, map gods, what's going on, map gods? So now I go to the, I take the directions that it says to take. I took them. I took those directions because they told me to take them.

I exit the 101 freeway and I keep going because it says keep going. And dude, it makes me take a right and I take a right and then I go two miles straight into a neighborhood and it says you've arrived at your destination and I'm just at someone's house so now I'm like well well well shit man this sucks Now I'm in the middle of nowhere. It took 20 minutes. My wife's gonna think I'm getting sucked because I'm just at a random house. And I'm like, man I gotta fucking hide. I'm like, where the fuck is this CVS? I gotta get the prolo- sack. And And here's the other thing, the prolo-sac, I wanna get it because I've been wanting to get it for the podcast to take it before, because you take it before you eat it and then you do it and then you won't have the heartburn. So I'm like, I'm gonna be good. It's for you guys too. It's for the babies. So now I'm like, well fuck this dude. I'm so, I'm so this, dude. I'm so pissed. And it's 1.30 a.m. And I go to bed at 10.30. And I'm just like...

And I'm like, I'm gonna die tonight. Just like going to the most stress... Oh, dude, I hope... Did I do my will? Like that's what I'm thinking. I think I don't want it to get fucked up. Like, who's that guy that's on, I don't want it to be like Philip Seymour Hoffman's will.

It just became a mess because he didn't do it. And all his money kind of got dispersed everywhere. And nobody really that truly should have got it. God, like this is the shit I'm thinking of you know and then I go I get back on the freeway and I go like I'm just in my head I'm like nobody's getting pro sec podcast gonna suffer wife's gonna be mad and she better still not be sick maybe she's sleeping maybe she's actually sleeping I'll get away with it right that's what I'm thinking I get I'm about to get on the 101 I look

to my right and you know what's there? A fucking cock sucking CVS. And it's open. I don't know what that was why it was so weird but and it's open and it's open and it's open and I'm in Camarillo and I go You know what I did? I did this. I go like this. Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? I don't have it anymore kind of neighborhood Camarillo is really, it's got a big lots. So definitely people get shot, right?

Maybe not like all the time, but maybe like twice a year. If you have a big lots, you're getting shanked, right? Some of the people where you are are getting shanked. Okay. So I go into the, what was it? CVS. Look for Prilosec. Still can't fucking understand what it's, it's Prilosec. Okay. Yes. Isn't that amazing? And I go get it and I, it takes me too long because I can't fuck, cause I don't know what it looks. I never got it before. I it Well, okay go to pay for it guy goes

Crystal Lea I'm like, yeah, I got Prylosec and fucking Chocolate covered pretzels. This is my what I'm getting at 130 145 a.m. I Mean it is doesn't you know, there's there's nothing more like guy who just nutted gets. Yeah? Like, just fucking, I bet if you, so now I'm like, now my wife's definitely gonna think I'm cheating.

If you, if you, boil, if you percent it out, okay? What's the highest percentage of something that a guy gets after just post spillage? Ha ha ha! It's 100% chocolate covered pretzels and Prolacac, okay? So, and it might only be 0.05%, but there's nothing that's be 0.05%, but there's nothing

that's over 0.06%, right? Oh, he's getting chocolate covered pretzels and Prolisac. Ah, we just had some spillage. So, I'm like, alright, I'm getting it. Chris Lea, so now I'm like, this guy's gonna think I just nutted too, right? This is all the So and I'm and I should just stopped on the fucking way dude. I'm so tired So then I go to pay for the thing I get they open it up like they open up the Prylosec is in like a fucking glass box like it's kryptonite or some shit like dude dude Just it's it who's what are you making meth out of this?, you know, who, who wants to fucking down a bunch of, uh, Prylosec pills? I don't know, maybe they can do it to make some other kind of, that probably, uh, whatever.

But anyway, so I get it and then I walk out, all right, and I see a cop with a fucking machine gun. So then I'm like, well, people are getting shanked here for sure. Camarillo is a bad town, even though it's not. And then I'm like, good thing he's here. I'm going to leave. I go to walk to my car. The guy who was in the place that was like, Hey, are you Chris? Hey, Chris, Leah, he walks up to me, but like, okay, so here's the deal.

When you have a following and when people know who you are and when they come approach you, about 90% of the time, well, yeah, you know it's coming, right? Like it just happened today at a deli, I was at a deli, and I walked by this woman and this woman just was... And I go, oh, she just stared at me. What am I supposed to do?

Do I look back and go, ha ha, whatever. But I don't, I walked in, I walked out and then she goes, are you a comedian? And I said, yeah. And she says, oh man, we love you. So I'm like, okay, cool, thank you very much, right? But you can clock it, you know? If you walk by them, it's one thing.

If they walk over to you, it's like a scene from The Walking Dead. You're just like, oh, fuck, here it comes. Oh, no. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, any sudden moves because sometimes you wish you just had a fucking guy with the crossbow. Are you Christa? And Norman Reedus, right? That's a name and that's him. And so the guy comes up to me and I'm like, I guess I gotta let him, right?

And I, what, bro, I'm acting like I'm not grateful for, this is jokes, it's nice. Comes up to me and he says, hey, Chris, Delia? And I said, yeah. And he says, hey, dude, I don't want to bother you. And to me, that's where that should end. Ha ha. Oh.

Do you have a rewind button? Hey, Chris, hey, I don't want to bother you. Just walks away. But it doesn't end there he says but um Do you live out here and I said Yeah Well, no not here. Yeah, I said yeah, he said really in Camarillo

And I was like no little further south I had this was the only CBS that was open. And he looked at me like, no, it's fucking not. And then I realized my brain did the fucking thing again, dude. Yes! There's Rite Aid, there's Ralph's, there's Vaughn's, there's all sorts of things I could have looked up, but all I looked up was CBS! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E She better be awake, dude. I got the Polistack. I'm eating the chocolate covered pretzels. It's so foggy for some reason. It's just so foggy and I can't keep my eyes open anyway.

So it's just like the Lord's trying to take me. Satan. And so I'm just like... I get home and I'm tired bro. I get the Prolacec. I walk up... I walk up to the... to the bedroom. Here... hey, here's Kristen. And I go, well my chocolate, holding my chocolate covered pretzels in a Prilosec. So I say this loud, I say, hey, I got your Prilosec. Well I said prola, I thought it was Prilosec back then, but I'll, I'll change it to promise. I said, Hey, I got the prolo sec for you.

This is her babe. I got the pilot. And then I'm, I had, I'm like, why did she make me get it when I, she knew I was 30 minutes away at least. It was going to take the ad 10 minutes to get the prolo sec. She knows that I'm going to be coming here and she'll be asleep by 40 minutes. How bad could fucking that pill have possibly hurt that she knew? And by the way, then the process is going to take how long to work.

It's not going to fucking matter. But in the back of my head, I'm like, I'm going to get it and I'm going to use it for my podcast anyway, so it's like, I'll get it and then also the show will be better, so it's all good, right? Nip to kill two birds with one stone. So I get I say babe you want a prilosec? I go nah, you know what? Hey, dude I'm not letting this go. So I bend down I wake her. Hey, you want your prilosec? and now Chenzo's going

And I got the fuck out my dude I got the fuck out of my dude. Babe, you want your Prilosec? She's like, huh? And I'm like, did you, is your chest better? Did you want Prilosec? Dude. And she says, no, it's okay. And I go, I go like this.

I go like this. I mean, I'm so mad at this time. And dude, she's, and I say, well, okay, I drove out of the way because I looked up CVS. I should have looked up Rite Aid or Vons or Ralphs, but I only looked up CVS. I drove a little Cam Rite Aid or Vons or Ralph's, but I only looked up CVS. I had to drive all the way to Camarillo, even though it was gonna be a thousand oaks. So I got it for you.

And she's like, all right, all right, all right, okay, I'll take it. So she ends up taking it and I go back downstairs cause now I'm wide awake. Now I'm wide awake! Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. Hey, yo, let's take a break. Listen, I wanna talk to you about ShipStation. The world keeps getting smarter, right?

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That's free. That's ShipStation.com code congrats. Julia. But the more you use it, the more it feels like you're in witness protection. Wait a minute. What kind of espresso drinks does Julia like anyway? Is it too late to change your latte order? But with an espresso machine by KitchenAid, you wouldn't be thinking any of this because you could have just made your espresso at home. Shop now at KitchenAid.ca. This NFL season, get in on all the hard-hitting action with FanDuel, North America's number

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or visit connectsontario.ca. I go, we were on the couch the other day and Calvin sometimes, man, I swear four years old is the most hilarious. It's like the things that they say, he just says, he says to me, no, he says to me and Chris, and he says, would you guys ever call me stupid?

And we were like, oh my God. I mean, I went immediately into, Calvin, hey, I mean, so did my wife, but I'm like never ever We would never I would never call you stupid and and my wife said You don't have to worry we will never ever Call you any names like that any bad names because you're not and we don't think you are and we won't say that and then my son says Even fuck Delia don't think you are and we won't say that. And then my son says, even fuck Dalia? And I'm like, oh, that's where this was going from the jump. And also, what do you mean even? That's worse.

Were you sitting down with the mafia today? How did you even fuck Dalia? Oh, I mean, Chris was crying. You know what? I'm good at stopping that shit when I need to. I didn't laugh at all. I'm like, buddy, no, we wouldn't call you fuck Dalia. You know, you're not supposed to really say that word. So funny.

I was really thinking about it on the way here. I was like, you're driving and like, I was thinking about, you know, uh, having kids. driving and like I was thinking about you know uh having kids and about how like like I have so here's what having kids is like if you don't have kids you think you're worried about it or you're scared of it. Or you're like, am I going to be a good dad or mom or what's it like? You know, the unknown, right?

But one thing is for sure you're going to have more responsibility. And then a guy like me says, yeah, but like, I like getting sucked off. Yeah, but like, I want't like go to a fucking matinee at 3.30 for no reason, even though I don't. I just want to have the option to do that, you know? And I go, well, I'm gonna have a kid though, cause I think it'll be good, I think. People say it's good, but then every time you talk

to somebody who has a kid, they're complaining. They're probably wrong, right? I'm going to do it. So I do it and it's always beautifully surprising, okay? Always. Like I'm surprised every few days or even more often sometimes, like on, oh wow, how fulfilling and pleasant and great this is. And that's coming from a selfish dude. I mean, I was, still am in a lot of respects, but I was very selfish my whole life. More so than I am now.

And like, even still I check myself. Like my wife is like, hey, you know that when you're home from school, or when you're home from work and you're not on the road that much, sometimes you can take Calvin to school too in the morning. And I get mad in my head and say, no, I'm not doing that. I'm a night owl and I'm not doing that. And she's like, well, I have to do it every morning. And I said, yeah, I don't keep those hours. And then I'm talking night owl and I'm not doing that." And she's like, well, I have to do it every morning.

And I said, yeah, I don't keep those hours. And then I'm talking out loud. I'm like, man, I sound like a fucking asshole. But then I'm like, yeah, but I work nights and that's what makes the money and that's how we live this way. And then I'm like, maybe I shouldn't.

And she was like, well, you're never gonna take him to school? And I was like, yeah, I guess maybe once or twice every now and then. And the first day of his school, I was like, well, I'm not missing this. I'm not missing this because there's no way I'm missing this.

I have to be there for his first day of school. So I take him to school and it's amazing. I almost cry, come back. Second day of school, I get up, I go, oh, all right, good, I gotta take him, don't worry. I have taken him to school every single day, but one, and it's been two months, except for the times I'm not in town,

which is, you know, one of the Fridays of the week, usually because I'm traveling. So, and I realize, like, how amazing that makes me feel, actually. Like, I'm like super amazing that makes me feel actually. Like I'm like super happy to do it. I'm present, I wake up, you know, I'll put his snacks in the bag, I'll fill the water up, you know, cause he's got a water bottle.

They didn't used to do that, I guess, when I was, we were kids, right? But now they just got water so important. Like I guess they, they realize, I don't know, maybe kids started dying from being dehydrated or some shit, but it's like, or maybe it's just something we made up. I don't know. But anyway, I got the eco-friendly bottle and we go to the thing and then I pack up, I give him a little cheese sticky legs in the morning and I bring him to school

and I watch it. I'm the, you know, I watch him walk into his school and, uh, you know, I see him greet the teacher and I'm like, I probably look like a fucking asshole, like just so happy and lit up, lit up just happy. And I never was, there was never a thought since that happened, since he started going to school where I woke up where I thought, I'm not going to take him today or I don't want to take him today. I want to take them. So I'm like, oh shit

Alert alert You didn't know who you don't know who you are. But also maybe it's not that maybe it's that You surprise yourself in nice ways in shitty ways sometimes but sometimes in nice ways and's okay. But I'm like, that's what having a kid is like. You learn to like things and they're not necessarily things for you. Even when you're a selfish person, but it's like, they're very fulfilling because I was driving Calvin and Billy back from my parents house the other day, both of them, and Billy just does this thing now where he just throws up in the car and he's done it maybe three times where we're just driving and out of nowhere he'll just go, and it'll just silently, it'll silently just,

and I don't know what's happening until, oh my God, it smells like someone's burning plastic in an anus, you know? And so I go, oh, and then I hear Calvin hear Kyle go oh and Calvin's like bad with that stuff The bodily fluids he's just like right so I'm like Calvin It's okay, and we're halfway home, but it's like I got to get home before Calvin now throws up throws up And so we're on the way home and Calvin just realizes Hey

Do you think Billy's gonna flow up?" And I was like, what? No. And he's like, but I'm scared that he's gonna flow up. And I'm like, oh buddy, oh no, that's not gonna happen. And then he's like, but what if it does? Can I have your hand? And I was like, can you have my hand?

You want to hold my hand? And he was like, yeah. And I was like, I can't. All right, I'll, I can't really do it because my fucking shoulder hurts. The reason why it hurts is because I reached back once to him and it hurts. So now I got to do the thing that, you know, but I'm like, fuck it, that's why it hurts because I'm a dad, so that's all good. That's dad tax. So I'm like, holding, so I'm like, all right, I'll try to do it. I'll hold his hand. I'm like, I can kind of. So I'm like holding so I'm like, all right I'll try to do it. I'll hold his hand. I'm like I could kind of do it, you know, and I'm like buddy I don't think Billy's gonna throw up. He's only thrown up like three times in the car

And he's just like but what if he does and I said well, you know what you'll be able to handle it And he goes and he's like, yeah, but what if I said you're worrying about something that probably won't happen it may happen, but it probably won't happen. It may happen, but it probably won't happen. And daddy does that too. And then I go, man, I actually do do that too. Like sometimes I'll just be up at night thinking about nothing. And I don't mean nothing. I mean the thought of nothing. Like when you die, what happens? And immediately I just feel just darkness consuming my eyes and mouth and chest and balls. And I'm just, oh my gosh, what does happen?

Do we just stop? Is there heaven? Get out of here. Not for me. And then I get really sad. And I'm like, my brain works too hard. So I say to Calvin, I said, you know what Calvin, this isn't a bad thing, but sometimes

you're like dad and your brain works too hard. And it's okay because it's kind of in a way, it's just tricking you. It's making you think something that, you know, I have OCD and I have a fear that, you know, my kids will have it. And so I'm like, you don't have to actually let your brain trick you. Like it's just working too hard. And that's okay because you know what? Say he does throw up.

What's going to happen? He said, it's going to smell bad. And I said, yeah, and then what? And he said, I'm not going to like it. And I said, yeah, and that's what? That's what's going to happen. It's going to smell bad, but you're going to handle it, and you can handle it. So don't let your brain work too hard on worrying about something that probably isn't

going to happen. And if it does happen, you're going to be able to what? And he says, I'm going to be able to handle it. And I'm driving back and I'm like, Oh, man, I'm fucking awesome. Why don't I say this kind of stuff with adults? You know, I'm just driving just like, how come I can't kick ass in conversations when I'm talking to a 40-year-old? And I feel good about myself. I mean, I'm thinking shit like, it's too bad Billy isn't old enough to hear this shit. This is good. I don't know if I'll be able to say it again. And so every five minutes on the way home, you know, it's like 40 minutes home, I hear Kevin says, oh, dad, my brain's working too hard. And I'm just like,

it's, you know, this beautiful thing where like, I should take my own fucking advice. And like, I don't need to be all fucking pissed off when I can't find the CVS and then I get all mad and I have these old things I've created in my head where it's like, oh man, my wife better wake up and take the prolocec because that'll make it all worth it. And it's like, what? What, dude? Huh? And I'm like, why didn't my dad tell me that shit?

And I'm like, maybe he didn't really know. But I don't know. It's so, it's so awesome. But I was thinking on the way here, you know, about kids going back to what I was talking about, it's like, uh, it's so, yeah, I, you know what, I don't like this word. And one time when I was 20, two, my friend's mom said that something was wonderful. And I said, wonderful, huh? And she said, yeah, it's wonderful.

And I said, really? She said, yeah. And I said, she said, you don't think it's wonderful? And I said, I don't know. I don't think really anything's wonderful. And then in that moment, I actually thought I'm never using that fucking word anymore. And I didn't do it for years

until it was absolutely necessary. And I only used it when it was like full of wonder, when something was full of like, huh. But I'm using it now, dude. It's just wonderful, man. It's wonderful having kids. It's wonderful. And the people that don't have them that don't, uh, want to good on you, you know,

but I wonder what they would think if they knew what they were missing out on. I don't know. Some people, some guys, splurting women in dip. Some guys splurting women in dip. And I just can't even believe it. Like people are like, oh, Dave Grohl's a piece of shit. I'm like, yeah, he's just raising two families now. What a nice guy.

He still is the best, the best, the best. Dude, he still is. Fuck y'all. Fuck DeWia. Um... Dude, it's called From. Um... Oh, fuck.

So... Anyway, I post a lot of Instagram clips now, reels and shit, getting those numbers up. I got fucking numbers. I got my numbers are going up. So, uh, tickets that way told you I'll be in Toronto and all these, you know, new, new some, just a bunch of different places, Sioux falls, but, um, so that's fine. Uh, there's a guy who just followed me.

Oh, Danny Go just followed me on Instagram. Dude, I'm going to see Danny go with my kids and, uh, I can't wait. And that's it. And I'm telling you guys that just because, and I can't wait to And that's it. And I'm telling you guys that just because. And I can't wait to go to Danny Goh. I cannot wait. And it's crazy I want to go to Danny Goh because five years ago, not only would I not wanted to have gone to Danny Goh, but I wouldn't have wanted to go to a place. And now I'm going and I'm going with my kids and it's going to be so fun. And I hope the lights are cool and I hope that they're dancing a lot and I hope

that they fucking get, get, get, give me that garbage. Get, get, get, give me that garbage. Throw it away. Throw it away. Throw it away. That song is dope. I think I could actually make it better too I'm gonna tell Danny go when I meet him cuz I'm gonna meet him I think I hope I'm gonna go it should go get get give me that garbage get get get give me that garbage garbage but they don't do that and it would be so dope if if they did that garbage if they chopped and screwed it like that. But they don't do that. Fuck it. Do it. Dude. I'm listening out on way home. Fuck it. Windows down. Duran Duran. Take a break.

Take five. Boom. Get, get, get, give me that garbage. And I'm going to be in the car. Give me that garbage. Garbage. Just me being with him doing it Throw it away. Throw it away. Throw it away as I kick it into 11th gear The Zuckerberg made a Dude, uh He had this thing I saw where his wife wanted a minivan. This is so, I actually, I don't know the guy, Mark Zuckerberg,

but there is nothing probably that I would guess more that Mark Zuckerberg would do than his wife said he wanted a minivan, she wanted a minivan. So he had Porsche construct a Porsche minivan. And it's just like, look at this, Mark Zuckerberg bought his wife a custom Porsche Cayenne Turbo GT minivan. Yeah, he had West Coast Customs do it, right? Yeah, whatever.

And no. Hey, no. No. Hey, Porsche Cayenne Turbo GT minivan. Hey, no. You like it? Porsche Cayenne Turbo GT minivan. Hey! No. It's... It... You don't...

You like it? It's... Come on, bro. You like it? It looks like dog shit. Dude, this thing looks too long. It looks like a limo. It's too long.

Porsche doesn't make it for a reason. And here's the deal. His car, he got his and hers matching. I love these rich, rich motherfuckers that are like, so had to get one too. Check it out. And they just post it. Like people aren't just like killing each other for groceries. Um, but I did talk about my Porsche though.

Um, but, uh, it's so he got the, his, his is dope. The gray one, the GT3, whatever it is. Anyway, he got that minivan made from West Coast Customs. I watch that show sometimes, man. What's that? It's bad. I don't know, man. It's gotta be bad, right? it's gonna break down or something dude where's this country headed with this with Elon Musk and just

He's gonna run for it. Look, you must have free speech in order to have democracy. That's why it's the First Amendment. And the Second Amendment is there to ensure that we have the First Amendment. Oh, just told everyone. Oh, Wausav. Oh, wow, so bitch. That's him? Oh, I thought it was the person in the room. Wow, Sincy!

I mean, did you see this? That's like what I do. Just so nervous. And that news going off on a limb. Literally, he's like, I hope I'm not telling people to actually kill each other if they don't say what they want. Is there to ensure that we have the first amendment? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Honestly, sounds like a club anthem a little bit. How do you do four syllables of that? I understand two. Three I understand. Um, damn dude. But he just keeps nuttin' in women and having kids, huh? Like dude, to just be wow. To just be so rich and just nuttin' in different women and just giving spe- like, he probably feels like he's floating you know like he's just

god i love how about when when elon musk jumped how did he jump with that face dude that's talented That face dude, that's talented like You got like it's fair enough to say, you know must change the world if you were to have seen this picture You'd be like, well, that's a guy that's gonna change the world because how does he have a face? vacant of Anything how his the empty vessel of his head experiencing this a foot off the ground? It is, I mean it is, you know what he looks like? A PS1 character where you're like alright they tried with the polygon stuff but I mean just unbelievable.

Love headlines like this. Al Pacino reveals he nearly died, wait. Oh, here. Al Pacino reveals he nearly died of COVID-19 and gives his thoughts on the afterlife. Al Pacino has revealed that he nearly knew okay, he nearly died in 2020 and shared his view on in the interviews in the New York Times and People magazine, an Oscar winning actor recounted his experience. This is from CNN, so you know it's half true. Pacino 84, 84 dude.

Al Pacino 84, 84, dude. And he says that there's no afterlife because dude, these actors are just, they must just who good for them. Good for them. Just losing their mind. Good for them. They need to. How, how, how could they not, how could Al Pacino not be crazy? Shit.

I, I'm surprised Al Pacino isn't just at like Shop-right just jacking off in the bread aisle like just why oh, yeah. Oh Yeah, oh on the wheat So I'll be you know 84 told the Times a wide-ranging interview To that he began to feel you unusually not good and then develop a fever and was dehydrated. Wow, this is what he said. I was sitting there in my house and I was gone. Didn't have a pulse. Didn't have a pulse. That's what dude that's what he said. You're here or you're not? I thought, wow, you don't even have your memories.

You got nothing strange, you're porridge. Just. If you don't have a pulse, you don't know you're here, you don't know you don't know you're here, you're dead. Within minutes, an ambulance showed up at Pacino's home, and he regained consciousness with six paramedics and two doctors. So I mean, the way this guy talks, they had these outfits that looked like they were from

outer space or something. It was kind of shocking. It's kind of sharp, but no shock and open up your eyes and see that everybody was around me and they said, he's back. He's here. Okay. He died and that would be pretty fucking cool to just die for a little bit, die a little bit. That'll be the next Bruce Willis installment.

Just be in a wheelchair wheelchair die a little bit It won't even be like you have 30 seconds McLean they'll be like you have a week and a half And it is next door see if you can get there. I Will start the timer now and it just doesn't even move. It just says nine days. Is, uh, that's Cincy. Oh, just, oh, the wave at the end, love it. He's my best friend. If I met him at a coffee shop, dude, we'd be all over each other, not in a gay way.

Um, let's see here. Dude, have you been to a coffee shop? I've been to a coffee shop. I've been to a coffee shop. I've been to a coffee shop. I've been to a coffee shop. I've been to a gay way. Um, let's see here. Dude, have you been on Twitter lately? I posted a few things on there recently. Sound like such an old man, but dude, uh, I didn't know it was so racist. There's an account, I guess I looked at it once because it keeps coming up, I do not

follow it. And it's so anti-Semitic that I'm like, oh my God, no, people are for real, like it has likes. It'll just post a picture of someone who I guess is of the Jewish religion and and and and and what they did about something and then the the Twitter caption will be I don't even have to say it, you know, you know, and you're and I'm and I'm like a non a non anti-semitic person. I'm like, I know what. I don't get it.

And then you look at the replies, it's like, it's always them. And you're just like, oh my God, dude. Oh my God. And it's like, we need free speech and we need the second amendment because that'll help uphold the first amendment. And it's like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,

or whatever Elon Musk did. This I agree with, this Reddit post, we are spoiled for choice. It says N word, but I'm gonna say guys instead of, guys was never meant to see this many bad bitches. Social media got us fried. Our ancestors used to only see 10 like baddies in day, whole life.

And boy, isn't that true. I mean dude, you want to know about this, come to a guy like me, a guy who's 44. I've had social media and not social media. I know what the world was like without social media. I know what the world is like with social media. And dude, hey, there's too many bad bitches out there. I can tell on my phone.

But you don't see them out. You don't really see them. You might see one. And now there's more people than ever. Our ancestors? Dude, if I think about how many like tens my dad has seen, it's probably 20 and he's 76. probably 20 and he's 76 and he probably saw 13 of them after he was 45. Like we are on overload.

I bet like the, the, the what do you call it? The the ah, who cares? I don't want to say it for no reason. I'll stop talking on this podcast because I can do that. I don't even know why people listen to podcasts with interviews. I know people do that all the time and those are the big ones. Like, or with two people on it, you know, like more people watch, uh, golden hour, then they watch this.

More people watch bad friends and more people watch. And it's just like, dude, no, man. I only want to listen to one person talking or nobody talking. Yeah, dude. Hell yeah. That's good, man. That's good. Tired.

It's actually pretty tiring doing the podcast now, man. That's good. I'm tired. It's actually pretty tiring doing the podcast now, man. I'm 44, but I don't know how long I'm going to do it for. I'm going to keep going. I want to keep going, dude. You know what? This could be the longest running podcast of all time. I might do that. I might just do it until I'm 95. I know.

You know. I might just do it until I'm 95. Like I know, you know, like, you know, obviously it's a cash cow, Theo's podcast, Rogan's podcast and all that shit, but like they're not gonna be, they're gonna be rich. But you know, Rogan's already rich as shit, Theo's on his way, and it's like, oh dude, they're gonna quit. Hey dude, I'm just gonna keep doing it, even if it's bad. In fact, I'm gonna do it bad. Fuck yeah, dude, I'm gonna do it when I'm 80. Congratulations, episode 4,665 billion. Same stupid intro, you know? Talking about tour dates, I'm not going on. Hey guys, I'll be in Narnia on fucking April 7th to 75th.

I'll be in Narnia on April 75th. Come see me in Narnia on fucking April 7th to 75th. I'll be in Narnia on April 75th Come see me in Narnia go to my website booty booty booty calm just losing my mind There's no websites anymore. Just put on your glasses and be there. It's virtual. I'm you Here we go, yay Wow But it is what it is. I appreciate you guys, you know, from the bottom of my cock and balls. And that's it.

That's the episode for YouTube. If you want to watch the rest of the episode, the uncut, girthy episode, go to Patreon, patreon.com slash Krystalia and get that and then get like the other unlock all that like there's like 40 episodes that we've done that are only for the Patreon. So go get that. It's just six bucks. Go do it. Plus you just support the show. It helps us man. It really does. It keeps the show moving. We love you. We like you. I'm proud to let you know the fucking fuck you I'm proud to let you know the fucking fuck you I'm proud to let you know the fucking fuck you

I'm proud to let you know the fucking fuck you