Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 407. Poisonberries

Episode Date: October 17, 2024

😮 Holler price drop! Get a shoutout on Congratulations for $40 for the next week: holler.baby/chrisdelia 🎤 MY SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is here: chrisdelia.com/god 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. This week we got stories from the road, open bathrobes, Tesla robots, and poisonberries. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/chrisdelialive 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is an ad for BetterHelp. Welcome to the world! Please, read your personal Owner's Manual thoroughly. In it you'll find simple instructions for how to interact with your fellow human beings and how to find happiness and peace of mind. Thank you, and have a nice life! Unfortunately, life doesn't come with an Owner's Manual. That's why there's BetterHelp online therapy. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video, or online chat.

Visit betterhelp.com to learn more. That's betterhelp.com. Metrolinx and Crosslinx are reminding everyone to be careful as Eglinton Crosstown LRT train testing is in progress. Please be alert, as trains can pass at any time on the tracks. Remember to follow all traffic signals. Be careful along our tracks, and only make left turns where it's safe to do so. Be alert, be aware, and stay safe. Chiara. It means smart in Italian.

Too bad your barista can't spell it right. So you just give a fake name, your cafe name, Julia. But the more you use it, the more it feels like you're in witness protection. Wait a minute, what kind of espresso drinks does Julia like anyway? Is it too late to change your latte order? But with an espresso machine by KitchenAid, you wouldn't be thinking any of this, because you could have just made your espresso at home. Shop now at KitchenAid.ca RUNK! Torrance, California. I'll be in Torrance November 3rd and then Toronto,

Sioux Falls and also uh Bismarck? Yeah that's where I'll be crystal ea.com go get your tickets. I'll be in Brea too And that'll be that so let's do the newest episode of congratulations Yep, I stretched it. I stretched it my leg I got a guy. I do stretch a bunch. I gotta stretch a little more, you know, you get into that ripe age of 44 44 was officially the age where I feel I feel older it really it really did happen and I don't know if it's because of the frozen shoulder. I had or what I'm all good now. I don't need to, I don't have it really that bad anymore. But yeah, I don't know what it is, but that's crazy. And I read on a National Geographic that when you're 44,

your body goes through a crazy change getting older, and also when you're 60. And that's weird that it happens two times so close together, but I guess that would make sense though, right? Really? Cause I would say after the early forties is when you start looking like older than a regular man, you start looking like an older man, right? And I think that that's a little bit premature, right?

Like 50 is 50, early 50s is maybe that, but early 40s could definitely, could certainly be that. Um, and then, and then we're after 60, you're just like an old man, right? Like, like Brian Cowan's got three, three years left. He's 58 or 57. All right. I mean, it's gonna be 60. Dude, that's crazy actually, wow.

Wow. So here we are, like and subscribe. That's great. This is the new podcast. Congratulations, that just came out. And we're having a good time, you know? We got a bright future. Do you know what I mean?

We have a bright future. I woke up today, woke up this morning and took my kids to school. Um, but I, um, I didn't actually, I didn't woke up this morning and took my kids, my kids took my kids to school. Said in the way of the opening credits to what do you call it Sopranos and I bought I was gonna take my kid I was gonna take Calvin to school Billy doesn't have school yet but I was gonna take Calvin to school and I didn't because Kristen did because she had to go to do something there at the

school anyway and we woke up and I had just gotten in like, like last night, uh, from Alabama was there for too long, got home, was tired, fell asleep. 10 30 both of us woke up, woke up this morning. I thought I'd take my kid to school, but didn't and Kristin did because she, uh, had to be there anyway. And so I, um, so I I stayed so I stayed in bed and then she said can I have some help getting them ready and I said what the heck when I do it I do it all alone and she said no I help you sometimes and I

say yeah but that was your choice let me stay in bed and she didn't and I got up and I helped and I woke up anyway. Might as well take it over to school. In relationships, what do you do? Do you say, hey, I want to go to Egypt this year on our either family trip or romantic getaway. And then your significant other says, well you know what I was really hoping to go to Japan. Now you both look at each other in this hypothetical situation you think why the fuck are dream places Egypt and Japan but that's beside the point could be anything. Sweden and Aruba but let's let's stick with the first one. Japan and Egypt. Now what do you do?

A lot of couples would do this. Oh well okay I don't really want to go to Egypt and you don't really want to go to Japan. So why don't we find a place that we both want to go to? Now what does that mean? Hmm, you're compromising or whoopsie daisy does it mean you're both not getting what you want. So you say okay you know what this year I'll go to Japan for you but next year Walk like an Egyptian, Sean racist. Did this walk, you know? So uncomfortable to do it like that. So then you basically are like, oh, okay, so what we're doing then instead of compromising

are giving each other a gift each year. I'm giving you a gift this year, you're each other a gift each year. I'm giving you a gift this year, you're giving me a gift next year. You know? And so I'm like, great she's taking him to school because she has to go to school. She's giving me the gift of sleeping in. But no. Uh-uh. We had to compromise and both get up. Hey, what the heck? So we did that and I was like, well I didn't, you know, I just go to sleep with them.

Then all of a sudden she leaves, takes Calvin, and then just the dogs Barrow row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row row and you have a wife, then all of a sudden that means more guys are gonna be in your house in the first month or two of getting the house because shit needs to get done. So that just means that sometimes you're gonna come home and there's gonna be sometimes a guy there, sometimes guys there, sometimes it's gonna be super loud, sometimes it's gonna be quiet, sometimes the guy's just gonna be walking around looking at like air vents and stuff like this with an orange shirt on. And you don't even you by the way you don't even say you barely register it you go I don't know I don't know who this I don't know who this is I don't even

there's I guess there's a guy in my house, if you asked me later what he looked like or to draw a picture of him, I would draw a regular just face and eyes, I have no idea, right? So I wake up though, and by the way, I don't have a robe, okay? I do, but it's at this house. I don't have a robe in my new house, okay?

I wake up, I hear my dogs go, Roar, roar, roar, roar, roar, roar, roar, roar, roar, go, RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR of the robes she has. Pink. Dark pink. I would say like pussy gray. Is that a color? You know what I mean? Like not gray like a guy would wear, but pussy gray. That's a color and it's waffled.

And it's too small. And by the way, my wife has zero of the belts on her robes. Just straight up a hot pink one, a burgundy one, right? Not even, yeah, yeah, burgundy. Like a deep, like almost violet, I would say. So here are the colors. So violet, carnation pink, pink, and pussy gray. Zero belts. Okay, so I grab a robe just in case. There's not gonna be... my dogs are just

barking for no reason because my dogs are, you know, they're all incels, right? But, uh, so now I'm... let me just, you know what, let me just throw something on in case, because I know I moved early, I, I moved and it's still early on, in case there's some guy downstairs. So I grab the Carnation pink robe with no belt and put it on. Now, what do we realize when we put on a woman's robe? Dude, we're fucking jacked. I put on the woman's robe and I was fucking awesome. Now, it was gay looking, but if you saw me in it and if you knew I wasn't gay and you knew I just had to be happening to wear that because it was around and I just don't give a fuck that

much extra sexy because super puffed out in it and then also wearing it just cuz I'm so secure with my manhood probably won't see anybody else in my own house so I'm just gonna put it on, no belt, open. I walk downstairs, a guy in an orange shirt. Electrification? That's what I hear. That's it. That's, by the way, how a Mexican guy who is an electrician announces he's in your house if he's going to be looking at the plugs and fixing stuff with wires. Electrician? No other words. And now I immediately am not so sexy

because I have to fold up the thing because of my penis dude. So I have to fold up the thing because of my penis, dude. So I have to cross it up and now I'm like this. And now I look like a fucking now I definitely look like a gay man. OK, covered up in a carnation pink. And I'm talking to an M, a Mexican electrician, the least gay guy ever. Electrician. And I go, oh, hey, covered up. And in my head I'm like,

at least I'm not wearing the pussy gray robe. Electrician. I say, oh, hey, yeah, hey. He says, hey, I have to look at the outlets. Oh, okay. And then he says, um, I can't, I can't call, I can't call my boss. And I was like, huh? I'm in the carnation rub.

He can't call your boss? I say, huh? And so I say, what do you mean? He says, I can't call, I can't call. Holding the phone up like that. And I say, what do you mean? He says, I can't call, I can't call. Holding the phone up like that and I say, oh. And he gives me his phone. So now, apparently wherever he comes from, the people who work at T-Mobile are wearing Pussy Grey robes with the belts gone.

At the Apple store, they wear carnation pink waffled with zero belt. Just leg hanging out, right? You know what I mean by leg. So now, um, I said, okay, he gives you a phone. I grabbed the phone and I'm like, oh good. Well, I think maybe he needs Wi-Fi, right? Because if you're cool you live in a place that has no service right like let's just face facts and I'm that cool. So I, uh, so I grab his phone and I go, oh good. It's an iPhone. It's easy. And I look at it and it's just straight not an iPhone, but it's the shape of an iPhone. Hey dude, what's up with this trick? I've

never, I've never heard of it? I've never heard of it. I've never known about it. Certainly never seen it. He just gives me an iPhone. When I grab it, it becomes not an iPhone. It's just a different kind of phone that is not made by Apple and who knows, like, you know what I mean?

I think honestly it was a fucking, who's that guy? Soldier Boy phone. Like, you know how he makes video games? I think he probably has a mobile device. It was a Soldier Boy. Soldier Boy Plus is what it was. And, and, uh, super soldier boy plus is what it was. So he hands me a super soldier boy plus and I, and I look at it and I go, Oh, and I can't find settings.

Okay. Now I, this guy can't, he can't speak English. I can't speak Spanish. So I'm like, okay, gotta type in settings. I type in settings, zero comes up. Know why? Because settings is in settings in Spanish. So I'm like, what the fuck do I do?

I'm, I wanted to just hand him the phone, look at him and say, we're fucked. And then he just goes, electrician, and then gets in his car and leaves. So I'm like, what do I do? But luckily for me, dude, I have cool eyes. And I look around the cell phone apps. Okay. And in my head, first of all, the dude just hands me his phone like I'm his dad. Like, could you imagine handing someone your phone that you don't know? Ah, sup with that. The guy handed me his phone, like I knew him for 20 years

and didn't even tell me what to do. And I go, all right, I go into settings. I go, I look at the settings thing. This is like, it looks like something that would be settings. It is settings. Open it up, everything's in Spanish. And I go, you know, it was like,

al tonelado, inchontado, inchordandado, and you can like switch them all. And I'm like, what the L wifi? I'm like, I think that's it, but that's already on. El televoldando, y go a cuacierdo. And I'm just like, and I click one and it legitimately, then I see my router and I'm like, oh dude, got it.

Clicked it, connected, connect audio, whatever it said, and I gave it to him and he says, thank you. And he went off to work and I never saw that guy again. I never saw him again, dude. And I have no idea if we have more electricity now or what, but I never saw that guy again. As a matter of fact, my wife came home and she was like, where's the electrician?

I was like, I don't know. I didn't even know he was coming. He showed up, he gave me his phone, I put his thing on, and I have no idea. I don't know where he is. And then, you know what we would do? We would be like, she would be like this. We'd be walking around and we'd be like.

Where is he? Because dude, they're in the walls sometimes, you know? He was in the ceiling once, you know? Trying to connect a chandelier and shit. Dude, electricians, huh? So, I do hear a buzz again, do you? It's okay? All right. So, um, so now, uh, we got more electricity and so we did it. Yay. Thank you. Great. I don't know what, uh, I don't know what to, I don't know. It's just, it's, it never, you know what dude, when people say this is so true, it never

ends. It just never ends. It keeps on going and you got to keep going. I guess sometimes it's just like, maybe I should just live on the streets. Just go out straight up and just start waiting to see what happens. You know, just, just... Because I was reading an article the other day about, um, about homeless people in San Francisco and like they were like, yo, I...

Being a homeless, yo, I, being a homeless, uh, used to fucking rock. I used to be homeless, uh, in the eighties and it was so fun. It seems like it sucks nowadays. And I'm like, even, even homeless people are, are, are, are harkening about the good old days. And I'm just like, oh God. I went to get a coffee today after I was up early, you know, because of the electrician. Electrician? I think all he said to me was, electrician? How crazy is that? And I said, so much, you know? I was like, oh you need the Wi-Fi right here. Look, let me see. We get into the settings and then you're looking for, we got all the outlets are over here and

then there's a lot of stuff over here. I think my wife printed out a paper and if you want, I think she wants you to look at it, see if there's a chandelier and I know you're gonna be in the wall soon., and all the dude said was electrician. I mean, just fucking handled the shit out of me. You know, just fucking absolutely handled me in my pink robe. So I got a coffee and no, actually it wasn't today, it was yesterday. A guy, I get off the plane, I was in Alabama, first of all, I got stories in Alabama, but I was in Alabama, got home, landed, got to, I love when this happens dude.

I land, get out the gate, and there is a coffee bean and tea leaf there, dude. I've just, just ready for me. So, why is it scratchy like that? You hear it? That's pissing me off. It's okay. Let's hear how this sounds. Well, that's creepy.

Tell me more about that. Okay, that sounded okay. Let's hear how this sounds. Well, that's creepy. Tell me more about that. Okay, that sounded okay. So, um... Chiara, it means smart in Italian. Too bad your barista can't spell it right. So you just give a fake name, your cafe name, Julia. But the more you use it, the more it feels like you're in witness protection.

Wait a minute. What kind of espresso drinks does Julia like anyway? Is it too late to change your latte order? But with an espresso machine by KitchenAid, you wouldn't be thinking any of this because you could have just made your espresso at home. Shop now at KitchenAid.ca. There was a coffee bean tea, I go there, I get the,

first of all, I go to the coffee bean tea, this guy comes up after me and he says, Chris Thielia? And I'm like, yup. He said, great show in Kentucky. I'm in LAX. So I'm like, whoa, you were at the Kentucky show? And he said, yeah. And he said, sorry about the crowd.

And I'm like, and I was like, what? And then I tried to think of when it was. The fucking show in Kentucky. Fuck it was awesome. So now I'm like, what is this guy think a good crowd is? Cause I ripped it dude. And I was thinking about how that show in particular was good. And this guy's like, sorry about the crowd. So I'm like, were they particularly more ugly than usual? I don't know what he was apologizing for.

So now I'm in my head now I'm insecure, and I say, Oh, he says, yeah, I don't know, I just got here and I landed, I saw you were here, and I was like, Oh, that's Chris Lee at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, so I was like, I'm gonna go say hi, I was like, Oh cool, thanks. Well, hey man, good. You're in my head.

So now, I get the thing, there's a lady in front of me, and she orders, and then I order and then she's waiting and then I'm waiting because you know you wait your turn. You wait for the coffee to get there right and she's getting her coffee and the people that talk to you know Denny's like this, all right? And I got, I love him. All right? There's a guy that opens for me on the road. He was getting, uh... The guy... He'll be like, hey, we're at Starbucks. This is a Starbucks. We were in Alabama. He was like, can I get those egg bites and can you triple toast them? And I'm like, can I get those egg bites and can you triple toast them? And I'm like, oh, all right, are they good?

And he was like, hell yeah. And I was like, really? He was like, yup. I was like, all right, let me get that some egg bites. He was like, all right, double toast his. And I was like, you're not gonna triple toast mine. And he was like, I like them triple toasted, but who knows, I'll get you double toasted.

So I was like, all right knows? I could do double toasted. So I was like, all right. So I got the double toasted. So now like the lady's like, triple toasted? And I'm like, oh, this is gonna start a whole fucking thing. Yeah, I like it. And then Danny loves that kind of shit. He feeds off his, he's like, yeah, I like to get them like that.

Cause then it's like this and like the otherwise they too soggy You know what I mean? They're too soggy. And then the lady's like, okay. Well, hey, and he was like just you know What I mean just talking so much and I'm just like I It's taking so long to get the coffee part, which is why we're here So now he they get the lid they we sit down they bring the quadruple toasted eggs or whatever the fuck right? The lady comes by and she was like is it are these two toasted now and he was like Yeah, I think those might be two toasted. She's like I knew it It's like you might redoing them and she was like, yeah, okay. She went and

go redo them. I mean, I'm eating my thing. I'm like, yeah, they're pretty good. And he was like, I'm like, bro, do you know how fucking annoying you're an annoying guy? I say to him. Not to me, because I'm drinking mines, dude. I'm already drinking mines. I'm already eating mines. dude. I'm already drinking mines. I'm already eating mines. You know, I understand you want the way you want it and understand that the the the meal should be the way the guy who buys the meal should should should want it. Okay, I get it. Customer is, I would say, 90% right and yeah, okay, I get it. But dude, for the barista? Ha! I would lose my my my, hey, oh dude, and then, and I say, I get a guy who, first of all, has to triple toast it. I go like this, no. You get it toasted how we toast it. And then he gets it, he's like nah the opposite and I go what are you talking about he's like I made their fucking day and I was like what I'm not

used to this judo this conversational judo like this. So what are you talking about? And he says, I come in, you come in. We're obviously from out of town. They're dealing with people every day. They just come in, they get their coffee, they get their pumpkin spice latte, and they leave. And now I come in and I asked them for a triple toasted egg bite and I asked him for this and I had them redo it we're bantering we're talking I'm giving them an experience and I'm like man I get it dude I get it I get it and he's like they're never gonna forget that for a while and this is what I'm gonna think about. I'm like that's a fucking good point dude. But if you're gonna be like that, be him. Do you know what I mean? Be that boy. Be a sigma male. be charismatic as all, get out, right?

Don't be the lady who was at the coffee bean before me waiting for her coffee and got the coffee and then wanted to talk about the coffee machines, dude, that the guy had it and he was, dude, and you know what happened too? She was like, so you guys just, every time you put the shots out you you do Double shots because you can't do single shots

She's already got her drink by the way like this with the thing and I'm waiting there, and he's good And I'm not looking at him. I'm looking at her like I can't believe she's monopolizing my time after She already got to coffee, and she could just sip away dude And she's so you guys have to do two shots at the same time So if somebody wants three shots you have to do four shots, and then what do you do with that extra shot? And, and I, and I'm like, Lord, give me the strength, and then I'm like, well, I'm gonna look at the barista, because I'm gonna assume, alright, that he knows not to stop what he's doing to answer you got it if you're okay so here's the if you're the kind of guy who is behind the counter and somebody who already got their shit is Monopolizing the time and you are not doing it like this. Yeah. Well, you know, I have to do things

So that's the that was what it was So in the early times when they made it like that, I right? Cool. You're getting it done. Great. So I'm like, should I even? Right? At this point, I'm looking at the lady getting all, I'm all bunched up. She's got this. Do you have the two shots? And every time you do a two shot, you have to do another one shot and then one shot because you can't have a three shot? And I go, should I even strafe to the left? Should I even look over to see the dude?

Because if he's not Dr. Octopus over here behind the counter while talking to her, I'm gonna fucking blast to Mars! while talking to her, I'm gonna fucking blast to Mars. So I go, well, I can't help it, I've gotta look. And as I look, dude, motherfucker is standing there like this. This. Looking at her and doing absolutely nothing else. With a crocodile mouth. Soaping.

Hey dude, are you waiting for a gazelle? Iced Americano please. Dude, B. Doc. Ock. Guy was just a fucking. And I go, yeah, it does two at once and so, and I'm, and I got Mr. Kentucky over here that already made me feel bad. So now I'm waiting. And by the way, I already landed.

I don't not have somewhere to be, which is the best part, which is the worst part. I already, it's not, it's not like, oh, like, oh, I can't go anywhere because gate C hasn't taken off yet or whatever the fuck. Whatever, bro, I'm just complaining. But it doesn't matter, man. You know, it's like I'm 44 and I get to the point where I'm talking about this and people think that now because I talk like this because I'm older, a little bit older than I was when I first started the podcast, they're like oh he's he complains he's a curmudgeon but no I'm not it's just fucking I was this way when I was 20. Yes got out of that one so anyway. Isn't that amazing?

Isn't that amazing? Bro, I was in, I was in, uh, Alabama and I did Birmingham. Then I did Montgomery for some reason. And then I did Mobile for some reason. And the Mobile show was awesome. And the Birmingham show was awesome. And the Montgomery show was, it's not my market. It was a fine show. Just it was, it was hard to sell tickets there.

It's probably one of the worst markets of all time in history, but. So much history happened there, you know, with like Martin Luther King Jr. and Rosa Parks and shit. That's just crazy to me. That's crazy that that's what happened. I was just walking around my hands in my pocket, just like, this is where Rosa Parks

got picked up from the bus, huh? Yeah, her husband did have a car. And that's something that we didn't learn until recently. And that's kind of weird. I feel like people thought it was a little bit racist to bring up the fact that like, well, Rosa Parks' husband did have a car. So it's not like what they did wasn't good for race and racial issues.

It's just, I don't think they lose, I don't think that blacks lose anything as a whole because the husband had a car, but they sure were quiet about that after it happened is all I'm saying. happened is all I'm saying. Okay. Um, I mean, if Rosa Parks had a podcast, if they had podcasts back then, the fucking dude, people would have been on Twitter. Your husband had a car bitch. You know, Charlie Kirk would have a fucking. So.

So, I'm in Alabama, I'm in Montgomery. The beautiful, you know, Montgomery. And I'm on stage and now I'm 20, I'm 12. Let's tell the story like this actually. Before the show, okay, so before the show, I'm really tired, I'm wiped because my time is different. I didn't sleep too much the night before, I took the red eye and then this is now the day after that I got some sleep, which is always the worst one for me because like, you know, you make it much the night before I took the red eye. And then this is now the day after that I got some sleep, which is

always the worst one for me because like, you know, you make it through the night with a bad sleep, that's okay. But the next day, even if you get good sleep, you're like, Oh man, it was two days ago, it's really me up. So, um, I wake up at like seven 30 and the show's 8 and I'm I don't wake up like oh I took a nap I wake up like Is it fucking Wednesday or Saturday is it March 3rd or September 27th? Like I was so deep in, I was like, I woke up in the fucking place where the dude falls in Get Out when he gets hypnotized.

That's where I woke up. The Nothing Zone or whatever the fuck it's called. It's Forever Area? I don't know. Anyway. The Nowhere Place? You know what I mean? It's called area. I don't know anyway The nowhere place you know what I mean, it's called something like that anyway, what the fuck is it whatever? Yeah from get out whatever it is it doesn't matter the dark place the dark spot

The sunken Place, dude, exactly. Oh man, the taint. So, um... I'm in the taint. I woke up in the taint. And so, uh... I... So I wake up and I'm like, oh fuck, I gotta go. I'm... I'm like, oh fuck, I gotta go. I'm da, I'm dog shit. All right. So I go, gotta give Montgomery a show. I text my tour manager, hope that there's coffee there.

And he said, yeah, I got it for you. And I was like, hell yeah. Now what my, what my tour manager also sets up in my green room is. Here are a few things. Turkey. There's usually salmon there with some rice. Animal crackers for some reason, I never asked for it. Coffee.

There's mustard, because sometimes my son comes and likes mustard. And fruit. And there's some fruit. Now, over the time, my tormentors noticed that whenever there's a fruit plate, I eat all the pineapples, mostly. Then I go to the mangoes or whatever the fuck,

then the strawberries are always last. Go fuck yourself. I know you're thinking strawberries are amazing. Fine, that's fine, but go fuck yourself. That's how I do it. amazing fine that's fine but go fuck yourself that's what I that's how I do it and so he so he only got this time pineapples sliced pineapples and I look at it and I go good who wants to waste all that cantaloupe hey, boysenberries. Fuck you. Who, whoever chooses boysenberries? And don't call something one letter off from poisonberries.

Okay? These are boysenberries. What? Oh, uh. Just boysenberries, they're boysenberries. What? Oh, uh... Just boysenberries. They're boysenberries. Oh, alright. Okay. That's how it was when it first happened.

Ah... These are dog shit melons? What? Dog shit melons? What? Dog shit melons? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Dog shit. Anyway, that is the worst joke I've ever done on this podcast.

But anyway, so I ate a bunch. I go, I'm drinking coffee and I house it. I drink it all. I drink it all. Because I don't normally drink it all, but I drink it all because I know I'm going to probably need it. And I house it. Now, he got pineapples.

That's all he got. So which means is there's more pineapples there than usual. And what I do is after I drink the coffee, I think, man, I don't want pineapples, but I know that if I start eating those pineapples, I'm going to love pineapple. I'm going to love them and I'm going to eat them. And I want to get to that enjoyment of the pineapples, even though I'm not there right now. Why?

Because I just had coffee. And what's the two worst things that taste together on the planet earth? Well, you know, I mean, you could say sandpaper and shoes, But besides that, coffee and pineapple, two great things, horrible together. So I go to eat the pineapples. I eat the pineapples, I eat all the pineapples and I drink all the coffee. And then I hear, ladies and gentlemen, crystal here. And I go out on stage. 25 minutes in.

Roar, roar, roar, roar, roar. Okay, now that's the sound of my stomach. Roar, roar, roar, roar, roar. That's the sound of my stomach. Roar, roar. That's the sound of the tummy. So it starts speaking. It starts speaking in tongue.

All right, and I go, hmm, eh, that'll be all right. I have 35 minutes left on the show and then immediately I go, hmm, I can't do it. I go, you know how sometimes you can go, you can have to go to the number two and then you just kind of Forget about it, and then you realize three hours later. You're like whatever happened to that It doesn't happen with pee it doesn't happen with pee, but that happens sometimes the poop It's going down And it's like we got to get out of here and then the body goes nah and the poop's like alright

We'll go chill and watch some more TV before we get out you know what I mean I was kind of in the middle of lost. And so, um, that, yeah. So, so I, so now, I try, I realize, oh no, there's no way. So I have to stop. I have to stop the show. I stop the show. And I scream for Denny. Because I'm like, you gotta come up here. I know he can hear me over the, the loudspeaker. And the thing, I'm like, Denny, you gotta come up here. I gotta go to I'm like you gotta come up here I know you can hear me over the the loudspeaker and thing like then you gotta come up here I gotta go to the bathroom you gotta come up quick he comes up does 10

minutes while I go in and grump out okay I go down to the green room I grump out come back up and I finished the show and it was fine and I was just like the whole time thank God this happened in fucking Montgomery, dude But that's how I'll always remember you Montgomery And then also I found out later on that when I was screaming for Denny he was in the bathroom taking a number two so We made it happen though, didn't we? We made a Frankenappen

Man I just got that's another thing that happens in... Now that I'm... You know what just happened recently? Is now that I'm 44? I used to drive me nuts when people would be like, all of a sudden I got so tired. It's like, dude, are you not paying attention? What do you mean, all of a sudden you got so tired? The day's the day. It's happening for so long. You haven't slept. You know, you know when you're gonna get tired. It's about 14 to 15 hours into the time you're awake. That's when you're just going to be like, all right, I should go to bed. And it doesn't happen all of a sudden.

You got 15 hours for it. That used to piss me off. And I'm 44 now and it just doesn't. Dude, I get tired like it's like it's like someone just fucking turns off the TV. I'm hanging I'm having a good time there's a smile on my face and then all of a sudden my eyes are closed and the smile still on my face And I'm like wait what the fuck's happening? People are and I people just look at me. I look like I'm having such a great dream

They're just and I'm like am I smile I'm still smiling so I guess I'm not sleeping I'm gonna open my eyes up man. I'm gonna watch the rest of this Dahmer show on Netflix Three minutes later. Just look a big a big idiot just with his eyes closed. Like he's fucking scared at a carnival. And um... And And so now I I have to do this thing where Holy shit, man. I have to actually like start I

Think I'm gonna start standing up and watching TV at night. I get so tired, bro. It's like somebody smacked me in the fucking head. The, um, what do you call it? Te- the Tesla stuff, the, the new robots. Tesla stuff, the new robots. I don't know man, the gold cars that don't have any steering wheels and shit. They're gonna be like 30 grand or something, they're just gonna drive you around like what's the what just when I got the money to get cool cars now I gotta we gotta fucking hook into this the you know electricity grid. Robo taxi. Robo taxi, robo van and robot. Here we go.

Tesla reveals 20 cyber cabs at we robot event. Says you'll be able to buy one for less than 30 grand. First of all, I don't know about that, we'll see. Tesla has finally unveiled its cyber cab and it looks like a smaller slicker two-seater cyber truck. Ah, yeah. The flashy Wee Robot. Yeah, this is just like the wee iRobot. That's pretty, I mean that's pretty crazy. In production by 2027. Here's the thing, they keep saying how, they keep saying how...

They keep saying how like watch out technology is getting exponential. It's nuts. You know in five years, it's gonna be... they keep saying it. Hey, dude when? The iPhone's been out for 20 fucking years already, you know? Hey, when? Dude, it's still hard to send an email sometimes in a certain place in my house, you know? Dude, when? Lasik is still kind of Lasik. You could still go blind from it, you know? You're not gonna. But can they cure cancer? Do they have it under wraps? Can they? Let's go.

How about short people? Why are they so short? Come on. I still piss out of my cock? Get with it. Bald? Guys are just walking around bald? Now I'm talking about, I know there's hair transplants, but there's guys where the follicles

don't take. Hey, it's 2024. That should be an app! And Hue, the Hue I want. I got a signature... tattoos? Huh? 2024. I should walk into a spot like I'm a character from fucking What's the shooting game

Warzone right warzone is that what it is Put the tattoos on me app app on my phone Hughes making them blue and making them blue today. Why is it not that yet? People are like, oh yeah, well you're gonna see the crazy changes in 10 years. They were saying that 10 years ago. Still got cans.

Still gotta grow my own hair out. I watched like five minutes of that movie on Netflix called Uglies or whatever. It was not good, but five minutes of it I watched and there was just like a way to look and everyone was getting that way to look once they turned to be a certain age. You get to get surgery, they have the way to look and I was just like, fuck yeah, dude, I'll do it. I'll do it. Do you really think that this is what

Joaquin Phoenix is saying in the Joker thing? I don't think so. People are saying he's saying it's horrible. He's not saying it's horrible, is he? All this stuff is people... All this stuff is people... all this stuff is like... Also, what's with the fucking 11 minute clap? That's in con or wherever the fuck they do it, just for so long. And you know, everyone is like, when does this stop?

That's all they're thinking. That's a long one. Huh. The fuck? Come on. But the, um, the Dahmer show is so good, man. I did watch it. Look at these fucking, what's up with this shirt? This jacket. As a February guy, I only trust someone who can see three things in me.

The sorrow behind, oh my God, this is a jacket. I gotta get this jacket. And I'm not even born in February. As a February guy, I only trust someone who can see three things in me. Number one, the sorrow behind my smile. Two, the love behind my anger. Three, the reason behind my anger. Three, the reason behind my silence.

Dude, how funny is it? And then it's got a picture of a wolf on it. Of course, if you were to guess an animal, it would be the wolf. And then it's so funny to think that this guy just works at Wells Fargo. The sorrow behind my smile. Why do you want somebody to notice that?

And why does that make you trust them? I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm in March. I was born in March. Am I a March guy? Here's another one. What the fuck? Oh yeah, there definitely is. I am an unskilled worker.

I buy clothing based on a diffuse grievance toward anyone different from me. What? I take pride in doing only the basic things expected. Oh God, what? Oh God. These silly shirts, you know? What's this one?

Barf? Let's watch it. Barf in the dirt. Bingo. Bingo! Dirt! Let it rip, dude! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, the whole thing. Oh, his crack's out. That's fucked up. That must have hurt too, dude. I saw this, the Tesla one, where the beer was controlled by a human. They thought this was AI and it was just a guy. The robot waving.

See, because okay, this is what I'm talking about. This is where it should be already. It's 2024. Be here already to where robots are looking like that doing that shit. But it's not. You, there's a human making that happen. Yeah. I invested more in Tesla though, because dude, they're going to take over the world. That's how we did it. Get a non-invasive, epigenetic hair scan to assess nutritional deficiencies and

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Go to hollerdotbaby.com slash chrisalea if you want to purchase a shoutout or mini ad. It's now more than 10 words. Alright, alright, uh... you add it's now more than 10 words. All right. All right. Uh, let's look at this here. We've got a guy who gets pulled over. That's B that's on that's live getting pulled over by the cops. You know why I'm stopping you showing them, showing them his phone. You know why I'm stopping you know why. And the guy just goes, no, why? Like he's live on the thing man everybody records everything huh all right so this guy gets pulled over cop being a cop how's it going

stop sign back there excuse me this is a rental he says 20,000 on my watch My wife female Caucasian she's talking to me right now The guy was so fucking drunk and scared that he turned into a police officer. We got a female Caucasian married to a female Caucasian Was no probable cause So drunk I'm trying to explain you why I stopped you Stop sign back there you completely blew it you didn't come to stop at all you went right through it

My Caucasian woman is white like you Okay, can I have your driver's license? Yeah, I think I go okay Okay, sure you're entirely fucked. Yeah. So anyway, so uh, let's see license registration What's your bet? Oh wow, I need your license man. No, no, I need your license so drunk Okay, that's great. I need your Oh, wow. Oh my license. Here's my wallet. I'm not acting like this. Here's my wallet.

Okay. On camera. Okay. I like everything. Oh my God. I got everything on camera. Cause I know how y'all play. And I got everything on camera too.

I'm a black guy. You know how it happened in Alabama? Okay. Don't do me like that. Can I have your license please, sir? Don't be a dick or rig. Here we go. I have you on camera.

Can I have your license please? If you see us recorded, I want you to see us recorded. Everything recorded. I don't want you to move fast. There's no rush. Okay. Can I have your license please? The seat is recorded. I want you to see it recorded. Everything recorded. I don't want you to move fast. There's no rush. Can I have your license please? This is a 2023. Sir, can I please have your license? I want the people to see this.

I'm on live right now. I'm asking you for your license. 27 or 28. Thank you. Go to LiveBuddy. Everybody see it. I don't want no Wow, dude. Ah, sir, gonna get arrested, you know. Hey guy, don't. Wow, that was amazing.

Wow, that was amazing. Badge 385, huh? 20k on my watch, he says. Sir, do you know why we pulled you over? 20k on my watch. What's your badge number? The fucking balls, you know? And also says, you pulled me over because I just completely drunk, rolled through a stop sign.

Why you pull me over? Because, oh, because I'm black. I mean, I love it. So good. And it happened in Alabama, which is where I almost shit my pants last week. That's some unreal. That's unreal. That's unreal, dog. That's unreal. That's unreal, dog. That's unreal. Oh yeah. All right.

That's it for the episode today. If you want to watch the rest of the episode on Patreon, go to patreon.com slash Kristalía. And if you want to go watch all of the other episodes that are only on Patreon, go to patreon.com slash chrisalea and go support the show. We love you. Thank you very much. Bye!