Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 408. Last Night Was A Movie

Episode Date: October 24, 2024

😮 Holler price drop! Get a shoutout on Congratulations for $40 for the next week: holler.baby/chrisdelia 🎤 MY SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is here: chrisdelia.com/god 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. This week we've got Mizzou tailgates featuring babies that just won't stop throwing up! Plus Trump on Arnold Palmer and the worst phrase in the world. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/chrisdelialive 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

RUNK. RUNK. Torrance will be there this weekend. Toronto, Bismarck, North Dakota, Sioux Falls, South Dakota, Toronto. Those are my next ones coming up. And Torrance. Go to chrislea.com and then Brea, California at the end of the year.

And then I have some Covina dates. I have new schedule coming out after the election. Gonna wait till everything dies down. So, and then I have a new schedule coming out after the election. Going to wait till everything dies down. So, uh, and then I'm going to put it all out, uh, on, uh, my website, go to chrisley.com right now for those other dates that I just mentioned though. And right now we are getting into the next episode of congratulations.

I was chilling this week. Honestly, this week I took a, I mean, it's weird to call it honestly a vacation because you go with your family and that's so stressful, okay? The four of us went to go visit. I guess Mizzou was playing, I actually, I don't even know what team they were playing. And I went. I don't even know what team they were playing. And I went. But we wanted to take, Kristen is into Mizzou

because she went there. Me, I'm not, I don't know. I just don't know. I don't wanna be like negative and be like, I don't care. I do care because it's, she went and I love Mizzou by Proxy. Okay. And she got me a Mizzou shirt that buttons down and is, you know, go, it's got a Tiger on it for the Mizzou Tigers. But she's like, let's go and meet my friends. We'll get an Airbnb, stay in the Airbnb

and with all of our families and go to the game. And I go, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, okay. And then she says, Hey, we're actually not going to go to the game. We're going to get a tailgate tent and we're going to be outside of the game because the game's probably too much with the kids. And I go good Franken thinking. Thank you. Because I don't want to be in the seats with the kids. One of our kids is one and a half.

Okay. He's going to be screaming. You know, Calvin doesn't like noise, so it's going to be screaming. You know, Calvin doesn't like noise. So it's going to be, look at this bottle of water. I just went to Arowana and got this stupid bottle of water. This stupid, stupid bottle of water that just is so, it looks like a thing. It looks like, um, uh, it would be, if you put it upside down and put a bulb in it, it would be on in someone's house that I hate.

All right. Stupid, stupid water with things that are say like antipodes in it. It's called antipodes, natural artists, artesian water. What does artesian mean? You know, how rich do you have to be to know what artesian means? Anyway, got the water, no big dealy. And, um, cause I don't have water at this house anymore. Anyway, got the water, no big dealy. And, because I don't have water at this house anymore, at least I thought, then I got here and I did.

But, so I'm like, all right, let's do it. Let's do it. It's my only weekend off from the road pretty much, actually this weekend I have off, I think. Oh, yeah. And, man, I took the Prylostec, didn I think. Oh, yeah. And, uh, man, I took the Prilosec. Didn't work. Yes, dude! Yes, man. Took the Prilosec. Took it when I should have in the morning. Didn't work. Yes! We f- Oh, that's amazing, dude. So it doesn't work at all. So that's great, dude. That is so great.

That is so great. So I got the heartburn, yes. Does it affect my daily life? Yes. Is it annoying? Yes. Am I gonna do anything to fix it, even though besides the, try the prolific? No.

Do people tell me I should go to the doctor? Yes. Am I gonna do it? No. So, I'm like, I really don't wanna travel. That's the thing about being a comedian or being someone who travels, being on tour, something like this, right? And you have a family and then you go and you do all your stuff on the road.

And then your wife or husband is like, Hey, let's take a vacation. And you're like, I'd rather die. take a vacation and you're like I'd rather die because you just want to chill but when you have a family hey hey newsflash you can't chill cuz one of your kids has always fallen or crying or saying they want to do something or wants to go jump on a trampoline and you gotta be up and at them. I mean dude, I haven't been working out lately and I'm just like when would I even do that if I wanted to? So I'm like

We got to go to st. Louis now. I can't not go. Oh, that's, that option's not there. I'll break everyone's heart. And so I'm like, maybe I could just, you know, traveling has become such a zone out for me. Like traveling has become such a day where it's just absolutely lonely and sad and, you know, it's like in Fight Club when at the three fourths into the movie when, when he's like, I was just doing everything I could. It just, it just make the time pass.

And it just, it's like, he's just doing everything and it's so mundane. I mean, not as that's, that's what it's like, except for actually think, actually he, he, there's a, um, montage where he gets in a plane crash. So not that, but, um, I'm just, it's so mundane that I'm able to like check out now and not even think about anything, not do anything, not stress about anything. I'm just in a seat like this for either four hours

or three hours and two hours, because my flight is connecting. So I'm like, well, you know what? I'll just zone out. I'll zone out. We'll get the, we'll fly there. We got to take a connecting flight because it's in Columbia, Missouri, which is like Mizzou, you know, the, the, the, that's where the college is. So we got, got the tickets to go, had to connect, got the baby seats, you know what I mean? It's like to drive to the airport and then got to get them on the plane and then we connected

in Dallas and then we almost missed the connection because Billy had to take a nap and it's just like Billy had to take a nap, AKA my wife had to take a nap. And so we almost didn't make it. And, and it, it was the most stressful thing of all time. He aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I was sweating so much. I was sweating like just like something was deeply wrong. You know, just drip when you feel the when you got your t-shirt on and you feel finally as a man, I don't know if this happens as a woman, but you finally feel it bead up and just trickle down and you go, oh, it's over. Fuck. I got to take a shower now again.

The second that bead welts up and the second it moves, if you perspire and you're just in the beads or the sweat are just chilling. Okay. The second they go and then you got to go got a shower tonight. That sucks, man. I don't want to have to shower twice. Like I worked out when I was just chilling. So anyway, we get to the Airbnb,

finally, none of the, we got a car service to get to the airport, got a car service to get to Columbia, Missouri, ordered the baby seats with the car service, zero of them came, zero baby seats. So I go, all right, well, I'm just holding my kid in the car like this. He's one and a half, just holding the kid, hopefully.

Dude, I hope that, hey, don't hit the brakes too hard. We're all gonna fly through the window because I'm not wearing my seat, but if he's not wearing his, I wore mine. But so we get to the fly through the window because I'm not wearing my seat, but if he's not wearing his, I wore mine. But, so, so we get to the Airbnb and it's, it's fine. It's nice. It's cool. We got the bunch of different families in there.

You know, I don't, they're not my friends. They are my friends now, but they're not, they're not, they're Kristen's friends growing up in college, right? So not growing up in college and I love them. So we're there, we're having a good time and we Go to bed wake up Friday. We do nothing then Friday. We go to sleep and now this is where the fun starts, man Now, let me just tell you This is where the absolute fun starts

Okay You normally don't think about the fun starting when you go to bed, right? You go, oh, hmm, hey, maybe it'll be fun tomorrow. I got to shut off for a little bit, which is so crazy weird that we just shut off by the way, they should have told us before we were born, it was going to be eight hours a day where you just completely shut the fuck off. All right. Oh yeah. Where am I?

I don't, you're there. Oh yeah. Am I? Ah, okay. Why? Cause I just wake up every now and then and still see myself there, but when I go and I leave to sleep, where really am I, right?

Who knows? Why am I dreaming of fucking weird shit? Because of my subconscious, right, right, right, right. Okay, okay, okay, all right, okay. Okay, all right, okay. So I go to sleep. Now we're all in the same room. My whole family's sleeping in one room, all right? Because we're all in this house, all the families.

And Billy just goes, and Billy is very quiet when he sleeps. So I'm like, that's odd. He starts going, he starts crying. Like, what the fuck is it? Maybe just cause we're in a weird location. So I go pick them up, put them in our bed. Now there's four of us in the bed.

And then I'm like, let's give him a little bit of milk. Maybe he's like hungry or something. Give him a little bit of milk. Take the milk bottle out. Then he goes like this. Vomit just straight up out onto his sleep sack. And I go, oh, we're fucked. Whole trip's fucked. Great.

There's, I go, it's like a, it's like if this is the only time he throws up, but when is, when does an infant throw up once? It's like, you know, there's so many aftershocks afterwards. Did I tell you about this, about him throwing up? Oh dude. So I go, oh fuck, and I say, you know what, I got it, I'm gonna go clean it, I go clean it. He threw up a little on me. So I'm like, I go clean it. So I go like this. So I clean it up and I go, okay, good. Bring him out to the main room.

Everybody's sleeping and I'm sitting there with Billy. I'm like, it's all good. And then he's just so uncomfortable. He starts crying again. And I go, oh man, it'll be all right. And I bring him back into the bedroom. And as I'm bringing him back into the bedroom, he goes like this. Ah, throws up all over the bed.

So I go, we're fucked. We're completely fucked. So he threw over my wife. And now, Calvin goes like this, did he throw up? Did he throw up? Oh my God. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

I'm like, dude, if you throw up and he throws up, I think I'm done with life. You know what I mean? Like I gotta just, so I'm like, relax, stay in bed. I am, I think I'm done with life. You know what I mean? Like I gotta just, so I'm like, relax, stay in bed. I got it. I put the, now I'm doing laundry on vacation. I'm doing like, I got like so much, it stinks like utter shit. I got laundry. I'm doing laundry in the basement of the Airbnb. Now everyone's asleep. Throwing a sleep sack in there, throwing all sorts of shit you're not even supposed to put in the laundry, you know,

because it's like, just because it got vomit on it. So like I'm like, oh, the blanket, the blanket that goes over the, it's not my house too so I don't give a fuck. Oh, the blanket, the quilted blanket that goes over the thing goes in the, you're not supposed to wash this, you go, that goes in too. The pillowcases and the pillows, fuck it.

We got the, you know what we did? We dismantled the fucking side drawers. We put them in the washer. They're gonna clunk around real loud, but we're getting them clean. I put the baby in there, you know, just like, completely, I'm getting in. Here we go.

Buh-kunkunkunkunkunkunkunkunkunkunkunkunk. And so now I'm like, all right, I'll bring Billy outside. So I bring him outside to the main room, okay, again. All right, and I go, okay, two times he threw up. Maybe that's it, right? And he goes like this, dude, it's so cute. And when babies are sick, it's like my heart is bigger

than it normally is because it's so sweet and I want them to be better, but they're not being better, like come on babies. So he's like this, he's doing this, he's doing this, he's doing this, because he's tired and he's like what's happening? Why is the food I'm supposed to be shitting out coming out of my mouth?

Huh? A, because now he's old enough to be like, uh, you know, when you're, when you're six months old and you puke, you don't know, you don't know what's going on. Maybe that's what's kind of just going to be happening in this life. If you're a, if you're two and you start throwing up, cause you haven't done it since seven months, cause they always stop at around around seven months because Billy was puking a lot

until like seven months and then he just stopped and then he just had a night of it and I'm he's just probably like what what what why am I shitting out of my mouth so I'm like all right so he's so we're sitting there and he's now he's it's like getting later it's 2 2 a.m. and I'm still out there and he's crying he's, so we're sitting there and he's, he's now he's, it's like getting later. It's two, two AM and I'm still out there and he's crying. He's standing up, sitting down. He doesn't understand what's going on with his insides. I'm like, buddy, it's okay. It's okay.

And I keep, I keep looking at him. I'm like, we're going to get through this. You're going to do the heavy lifting because you're the sick one, but I'm right here with you until the, until the finish, until you get better, don't worry about it. I'm talking to him. I'm talking to him. Like it's a fucking, like it's remember the Titans. I'm Denzel Washington talking to that, uh, underprivileged black football player. I'm talking to him. I'm talking to him like it's a fucking like it's remember the Titans I'm Denzel Washington talking to that underprivileged black football player and like we're connecting

and I'm like You got this you got this and he's just snotting and throwing up and then and he just goes like this Again dude three three times. Yes, so he threw up three times now He's thrown up on the rug of the Airbnb. That goes in the dryer. And so now, the washer. I'm washing everything, dude. I don't give a fuck.

I'm washing whatever he throws up on in the house. So now I go, alright, this is a bit bad. I gotta put him at least on the wooden floor, but it's cold. So I put like a newspaper down. And the baby, let me tell you, Kristen and Calvin are in the bed just and Billy's I'm up here just getting thrown up on, sitting on the fucking linoleum kitchen linoleum floor and the wood floor in the main room

and every family's asleep. And me and Billy are just trucking it out dude and I'm so tired but I am NOT falling asleep I try to hold them all different ways he threw up nine times nine times dude just picture me in a house in Columbia, Missouri. Like, not because I chose to go, just because I had to. Otherwise suffer divorce, right? So I had to go and then my baby, who I love so much, spray in the floor, dude. Just absolutely, ah, like he's one of those from, like one of the Game of Thrones dragons, just, ah, but with puke though and crying more and it was so brutal so I'm like in the whole time too I'm like tomorrow's gonna be a goddamn nightmare because we

gotta go like holy shit holy shit you? Like I'm just like, all right, ah Jesus. See this is where I think that God exists. I don't start to think God exists until this stuff starts happening, because I'm like, you my, all right, I get it dude. Yeah, unload it all on me right now. Yeah, it was going to be a beautiful weekend, but unload it all on me right now. No sleep for either of us, and I'm just going to have like, you know, throw up all over me. I had it on my chest, my back, and my pussy, and my crack. Bow-now! Nail, nail, nail!

Hi! Nail, nail, nail! So, um... Ew, throw up in there. And so, um, my neck, my back, ew, that's fine. But then in the other two, ew, throw up in there, ew. So, uh, so I, we got, I'm like, um, and then,

and we were supposed to take fucking family pictures. I'm like, oh my God. And I'm like, all right, look, if she still wants to take family family pictures. I'm like, Oh my God. And I'm like, all right, look, if she still wants to take family pictures after all this and subject Billy to that, I'm that's fine. I'm going to go, I'm going to be positive. I'm going to do it. Cause God, cause Lord, wow. You really got a good sense of humor and you get me right now.

Aren't you? And that's cool, man. I understood. I've had some good stuff happen in my life. So go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. Pour it all on me now. So, she, at seven o'clock, Billy's still, no, six o'clock, Billy's still thrown up.

And I go in with Billy and she's like, I texted, I canceled the photos. Don't worry about the photos. And I go, oh, fuck, dude. It's the little victories. And then we, and then she was like, you can stay home with Billy and go to the game. And so they were going to, they went to the game, her and Calvin and guess who also went a little bit later because I'm a fucking good dude and Billy was

trucking it out. We went and the whole time Billy was like this and dude, it was so, you know what is weird about those moments? It's a thing that's happening that you don't, it's a thing that's happening that you don't wanna be happening, you know? Like you don't want your kids to throw up, you don't want them to be sick,

you don't wanna, you know, you don't want these things to be happening. You know't want them to be sick. You don't want to, you know, you don't want these things to be happening. You know, they're gonna, and you have to ride it out and okay, whatever. So I was sitting there and I, this is why I think I'm just like, being a dad is the most apparent, I guess, is just, it's the absolute most just honorable thing. Like he was just sitting there throwing up and I was like, I had this feeling of, you know what, man? And this is the truth. And sometimes when you work out, you don't want to work out you're

like yeah but this is good for me and I like it and you don't think about how I have to work out, I get to work, you got to reframe it, I get to work out and you know you get obsessed with getting a little bit bigger muscles or you know your fat starts going away and that's great but you never actually, at least for me, it's not like I want to be at the gym. I'd rather be getting sucked off, right? Like the people who are like, nah, the gym is life, the rest is just details. Nah, some of the details is getting sucked off. So it's like, okay, but let me tell you this and this is the truth. Being there with him on the floor, catching his throw up, is so my pleasure that I don't want it to be happening obviously, because I don't want him to be sick, but I want to be there. I want to be there and nowhere else. And I don't get the feeling like, oh, I gotta be there because I'm the one that has to be there.

I gotta be there because of, I want to be there, because I wouldn't wanna miss this for the world. Like I wouldn't want him to miss his first steps. Like I'm here, dude. And I go, this is it. I'm getting no sleep, dude. I'm getting no sleep dude I'm getting no sleep, and I am riding this shit out in

Columbia let's go you're not amazing and He did the heavy lifting, but we got through it dude, and then we went to the fucking game And Both went back and then I got dude when we came home by the way We had we took a Southwest flight home. Okay, cuz it was the only connect only Straight shot. I didn't want to connect too hard with the babies

We got on the you know, they do like a That boarding where it's like hey, let's leave the humans with their devices to just get on board. The way Southwest boards, hey, Southwest, assign people. You know why? They're dummies. We're dummies, I'll accept it. Hey, Southwest, come on. You're dealing with humans.

Assign them a seat, dude. Motherfucker, first of all, the lady was ready. So here we go, we're going to Southwest, don't anybody try anything, don't anybody fucking try anything, I'm here, and if the bags are too big, we're going to get them, we're going to step out of line, we're going to have to get them checked, please don't do that, you can do that, you're all fucked, you're basically fucked. So here we go. I'm ready I'm ready for you motherfuckers A-A1

and I don't like also how like Even if you get A1, you're not getting A1, A2. You're not boarding first because there's pre boarding. There's military boarding There's baby boarding. There's fucking surf boarding like there's too much boarding you get on there The plane's half full already if you are on the C Group, you might as well be holding on to the wing. So, you just sit on the wing. And so... And they're always like, this is a completely full flight, this is completely overbooked, overbooked. Like, kiss my ass. No.

There's... Nobody ever is standing in the aisle. The seats are always perfectly full, and you're fucking people out of there. You know what I mean? You're fucking people out of their trip by paying them $200 on a voucher or some shit. And so, so the lady is just, we're like A7, A8, A9, right? The lady's just not having it. She's like arguing with multiple people before, like pre-boarding. I'm like, oh fuck. It's like, are our bags small enough?

You know, shit, I'm not gonna do this shit. We get on the plane and I'm like, what do we do? I guess we'll just take a row because they have a row of like three. So we'll have Calvin in the middle, me and Kristen and I'll hold Billy and she'll hold Billy or whatever the fuck. And, uh, cause you know, under two, you don't need a seat. And, um, we sat in a row on the Southwest flight and it was like, so the way to do

it that I couldn't believe it. It was so the way to do it that I couldn't believe it. And then we get on the plane. I'm like, this is actually not bad, dude. Like we got the whole row to ourself and like kind of chilling, we got iPads and shit. And then they're like, all right. And they literally say, the pilot says, or not even the pilot, it was still the lady, you know how they do sometimes the gate stuff.

And then they'll come on the plane and be like, Hey guys, it's me again. I go fuck yourself. I've good flight. Um, so she comes back on and she's like, okay, so there are, um, how many bags was it? It was, that's what it was. There are 14 bags that we told you to check right before the plane that you didn't check and that are in the overhead compartment. So we're gonna have to get those off the plane and check. So if you did that, do that for us, please, right now. Because if you don't, we're to have to go through them and we're

going to find them and we will be delayed because of this. And I am dude. It's like just played by the cock sucking rules. Huh? You know what I mean? C 15 or whatever the fuck. It's so, so now we're delayed because the people are getting up and they got me, you know, she had to, she was coming down the aisle to the one in the airport was coming

on the aisle. Like, nah, I got one. Got one. We got to check it. Put it in. Tag it. So, uh, then we take off and the flight was fucking amazing, dude. I think I'm gonna take,

even though they gotta assign seats, dude. It's so stressful because you're like, what seat am I gonna get? But Southwest is the way to do it if you have an infant under two. You get the whole row. Hell yeah, dude. Sensation.

I'm not a football guy, man. I'm just not, you know, I don't even know what team they played. I don't, I don't, uh, I don't like, I know I was talking about this. I try to get into sports, man. Man, Kristen took a picture of me on the plane where I was sleeping with Billy. And I just like, I'm like, it looks like I have no chin and I can't stop thinking about it. And now I think I'm ugly. Yeah, dude.

Yes, dude. I know my head was back and I was sleeping like this, but like, I'm like, oh, great. I'm getting that Turkey thing that old guys get on their neck. Fuck. Yeah, dude. 44 with Turkey. I got this app that, uh, I paid for it. It's called Pick Art or something.

And it's just like makes, it makes people like, you can, I don't know, man. It's like, dude, what do you want? It's like an app where you fucking, you upload a picture and then the subject of the picture, you can either smush it, destroy it, melt it, explode it, you know, inflate it, stuff like that. Okay. And I got the app and I did it with pictures of me and Calvin was and I showed Calvin and Calvin was like do me and I did him and

And and and he chose he wanted me to squish him So I squished his picture of him and then he was all fucking scared, dude Yeah, okay, I know but like come on dude, it's so I had to explain to him that it's the computer that does it not real life And then the next morning wakes up and what the fuck does he say? Oh, hey, can we do it again? I'm like no you're scared You thought the dog was gonna inflate and go and go up into the sky because I did it with chenzo It's not a balloon. No dogs ever done that and Then he's like no, but it doesn't scare me in the daytime only at night and i was like well so so i said only objects we're only doing objects so now i'm

melting like you know stuffed animals and shit and i blew up a muffin for him and it's just like dude what is this world gonna be like this shit didn't exist when we were kids. If this, let me tell you something, knowing me, if this shit existed, if AI existed, if you could, if you could make it look like a picture-perfect big metal pump is squishing a guy down and breaking his bones. I did that to me and it looks just like it. And let me tell you something, if I saw that when I was five, I didn't even show that to Calvin. If I saw, wait, I did.

And he was like, I don't like that one. And I was like, great. I fucked him up for life. But if I saw that when I was four, dude, I, I'll tell you right now, uh, it would be Jeffrey Dahmer, John Wayne Gacy, Chris D'Alia, because it is that. It is, I, I wouldn't be able to deal with that We're so deeply fucked with this AI shit and there's nothing you can do you know it is what it is okay fine So okay, it's not like I'm like no this is fucking you know is it irresponsible

I don't know but whatever though. It's gonna happen anyway. So what's the use of complaining about it? Don't worry twice. Worry when it happens once. And so, I just can't like, dude, you can't like, Trump posted a picture of him in a stealer's uniform the other day and it just was like kind of realish. And I'm just like, he was, but he was jacked.

And I'm like, all right. I know it's fake, but I gotta explain to Calvin that like pictures are fake now. Like actual pictures, not just like that, that have been like printed and doctored, but like just any picture is fake. Most pictures are gonna be fake. I had a dream last night that I straight up hung out with Trump and it was so fucking fun.

I couldn't believe it. We were in like, uh, either Italy or old town Montreal. I don't remember what it looked like either of those. And he was like, come on, come with me. And he was dressed regular and it was just me and him. And we went into this bar and everyone was like, Trump. Yeah. Hell yeah.

And they were like, Oh, you're friends with Chris Lee. And they're like, Oh, hell yeah. It felt so good. I felt so like accepted and everybody was like, just happy. And I was like, how do you deal with the hate Trump? And he was just like, fuck a man. It's not real. And I was like, hell yeah, dude.

Someone else was in that dream too. I don't remember who they were. It's kind of fucked up how that happens, dreams will do that. Was I even, like, where was I even? Was I, maybe I was there. I had a lot of crazy dreams last night, so. They wanted to play Catan this weekend, you know? This is me when someone wants to play a game. Thanks, I'll sit this one out.

And then Kristen, come on, it'll be fun. No thank you, I'll sit this one out. What are you going to do? Anything else. But you'd have fun playing the game. Oh, I know, it's not about that. What is it about? It's about that, it's too much, too much. It's just too much. Thank you.

I'll sit there for now. Thank you. So the plank of tan and like I keep hearing like I'll give you a brick for two fucking haze or whatever the hell it is. And I'm watching just murder documentaries by myself. So Kiss me all up and down. Looking for a fresh country sound with a twist? Bourbon Sun's latest track Jump Back is here! Stream it now wherever you listen to music.

Go to holler.baby-size-crystalia if you want to purchase a shout out or a mini-ad on this podcast. Got this Trump thing. Donald Palmer was all mad. Here, this was great. Trump talking about, just doing whatever the, just what, what. Can I say that at all? Hold on, whatever. I do respect the women and I love women, but this.

Wow, that's great. And I love women. Just hold on. Let me get this right here. Okay, here we get this right here. Okay, here we go. YouTube TV, remember YouTube Red or whatever? Arnold Palmer was all man. And I say that in all due respect to women

and I love women, but this guy. Some guy goes, Roar! This guy. This is a guy that was all man. Some guy goes, RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR That's unbelievable. I had to say it. I refused to say it, he says, and then says it, and then says, I had to say it. He broke his own rule immediately. I refused to say it.

He had a big cock. I had to say it. We have women that are highly sophisticated here. Ah! They used to look at Arnold as a man, but he was really something special. Arnold was something special. So I just want to tell you, you're very lucky, the people that live in Detroit, and it's an honor for me to be here because of him.

And he was a, actually he was a great man, and I don't think there would be golf, to the extent that you have it today it probably wouldn't be that way without the great Arnold Palmer so enjoy it everybody enjoy it. And this cock was huge. Huge dick. And I had to tell you the shower part of it because it's it's true what can I tell? We want to be honest we want to be's it's true what can I tell ah we want to be honest we want to

be upfront it's true dude God say what you want about him but he is hilarious and people love that dude that he just says what he wants man they really do they really love that oh man cuz. Cause you can, dude. You can talk about a man's cock. It doesn't matter, dude. It really doesn't matter, you know? Like if somebody else did it, if some other elect

did it, they'd be done for, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if you talk about a man's penis. As long as you bring it back to immigration, you know? As long as you somehow bring it back. And I love women, when he did that, you know? Wow, that's amazing. Palmer was all- He's just, you could tell he is so, so in his fucking bag

when he says, I love women. Watch this. But Arnold Palmer was all man. And I say that it all due respect to women and I love women, but this guy, Oh, Jess, this guy, this is a guy. I just in his fucking bag, dude. Um, but it is what it is. I know that I lover of women.

Why can't I do a good Trump impression? I just can't. Some motherfuckers do crazy good Trump impressions like, uh, Elon Gold and, uh, that other guy from SNL. Is he still on SNL? I don't even know. What's up with SNL, dude? Just getting fucking like Johnny the Plumber hosting this weekend.

And here we go this weekend and give it up for your host, a veteran. What? He did a tour in NAMM, give it up for a host. Give it up for this guy. Your aunt. Give it up for Your aunt. Give it up for your aunt. Your aunt comes on this show. What the fuck?

What the fuck Aunt Michelle? Hey, so you know, well, I don't know what we're doing for Thanksgiving this year, but we're gonna get the family together. What the fuck? Anyway, give it up for the black keys. It drives me nuts they do music on those fucking, on Saturday Night Live.

Just do only skits. Who fucking shows, who watches Saturday Night Live to see uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh who's Felicia the goat? What's his fucking name? Tyler the creator. And I like Tyler the creator, I'm not's his fucking name? Tyler the creator. And I like Tyler the creator. I'm not saying I don't like Tyler the creator, but who's watching Saturday Night Live performance of fucking Felicia the goat?

Huh. Why does he call himself that? What is that? That's something? The shit Calvin watches on the iPad is unreal. It's like, I want to be like, dude, and he watches it like it's microfiche. Like he's looking for clues to a murder in 1984 in like the fucking Washington Gazette. Except he's not looking at that. He's looking at like an Asian 20 year old man jumping up and down with all yellow on

next to a fucking thing made of like pipe cleaners and tin foil spray painted yellow. And it's doing the same thing he's doing. And I'm like, dude, it's like a fucking deleted scene from seven and then you cut to thing he's doing and I'm like dude it's like a fucking deleted scene from seven and then you cut to what he's looking at and you're like oh great he's gonna go up bleep it out great dude and just this for four three on the on the flight three hours just like this look like this and then just hey can I can you do the can you do the headphones can you make the

headphones better and and and Kristen's on the computer and then she says dad will do it and I grabbed the headphones and he looks at me and says I said for mom to do it and I'm like all right dude so I can do it too. I understand that, but I'm going to do it. I say, but I don't do it with that tone, but crazy, right? Oh dude, I'm just like, you know, it's funny because you think of like kids, you think of like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you'm just like... You know it's funny because you think of like kids, you think of like kids and how amazing they are and how pure and beautiful they are and how you just want the best for them. And I'm really trying with my kids and so is Kristen and I don't know if everyone else is doing the same fucking thing, man.

You know, and it's like, you don't have to be the best dad or mom, but don't make a demon. Like, I'm trying, I'm really trying, I'm really trying to be there. And being lovely and loving and nice. Hey, what, what, what, what, what, Hey, let's talk about it. How does that make you feel? And actually caring! And then there's parents out there that are just like making a demon.

And I'm like, all right, my son's got to go to school with a demon. Thanks, because of your ass ass and then they grow up and then they become fucking you know the lady at the southwest gate alright so here I was gonna go you're gonna fucking single file it you're gonna come up if your bags too big I'm gonna throw it away. I'm gonna throw it away and fuck your wife. Jesus christ, I'm b50. I hope she oh, I hope she's tired of fucking people's wives by then. I just don't know anymore. And then I'm like, I'm 44.

It like, and then I was talking about like being older and like, how old do you want to be when you, I never answered. How old do you want to get to be until? And it's like, I thought I wanted to live to be 150 or 200 because, but like, then it's like, it's been 44 years. And then I hear the driver, the Uber driver say, I worked here 44 years ago and there wasn't even a town here. And I'm like, oh my God, bro.

Oh my God, bro. And I look at him, he's just got like hair coming out of his ears. And I'm just like, oh my God! I got more time! I got, I don't have more time! I got way more and I'm old! You ever feel like that? No, you probably don't because a lot of these listeners are in their 20s and 30s. You're gonna feel that way, remember I said it. Remember I said it, dude. And I'm not, I'm not being negative at all. I 30s, you're gonna feel that way. Remember I said it. Remember I said it, dude.

And I'm not being negative at all. I wanna, you know, as of now I wanna live because I got kids, if you didn't, dude, if you didn't, if you're 44 and you don't, what are you gonna do? And you don't have money, you know? And you're just a guy that lives paycheck to paycheck and what are you doing? What are you living for? And I'm't have money, you know, and you're just a guy that lives paycheck to paycheck. And what are you doing?

What are you living for? And I'm not suggesting anything, but you're just somebody with no relationship You're 56 years old and you just like what do what what do you do eat at a diner? What do you do? Sit at home go to work. What do you what do you do? You have a dog? Oh good for you, dude, and I'm not judging do it if that's what you wanted to do it, but my god 56 years of it Cuz I'm like What the fuck was I doing before I had kids I Know people want different things and God forbid the cover footprint is fucking crazy people should be having less kids, right? But I

Want to have so many kids do it I want to have so many kids that it just gets so ridiculous until it's like it's like that Vince Vaughn movie where it's like Oh my god, you have 300 children Oh my God, you have 300 children. You see that documentary about that dude that just inseminated a bunch of different women whenever he could and then just left the country. And so there's a bunch of hymns all over the place. And then he, and then he would go into spur banks and just yak off into the spur banks. And then other people would have like surrogates and he would just yak off in them

Dude just yakkin off in spur banks and women and then just absolutely having so many Just there's they say like 12% of the people on earth or because of him because he fucking Yakked off in a bunch of like it's just so crazy, man So I'm like, okay, that's fine. But man, that's weird. And then I'm thinking about like what if Actually 10% of the world they were all me's and I wouldn't like that dude. No, maybe it's because I'm too because in a way it's it's it's a Egotistical to make a bunch of use and keep yacking off in sperm banks and women

But also it's egotistical what I do because I'm like, I'm not gonna have it in there's not gonna be enough a bunch of use and keep yakking off in sperm banks and women. But also it's egotistical what I do, because I'm like, I'm not gonna have any, there's not gonna be a lot of me's. I'm special, you get it? So I'm gonna make two, three, four, five special. No, I don't wanna say special, because it makes you sound like, you know when you say a special kid,

you don't think you're special Ed, but I'm just saying, and not that there's anything wrong with that, like a lot of beautiful people do everything, but it's special ed, but I'm just saying, and not that there's anything wrong with that, like a lot of beautiful people do everything, but it's just like, mm, I don't know. Oh.

You just think about it because like dinosaurs fucking Ruled the world you know and just no they didn't They are they're dead They're dead. So it's like, ah, dude, we rule the world. And then it's like, oh yeah? What the fuck's going to wipe us out? If it's not AI, it's going to be something else.

It's going to be like a fucking, you know, cross-hybrid of, uh, you know, I don't know, a, a, a, a bear and a fox or whatever the fuck. Ewoks. And then we're not dinosaurs ruled the world. They were stupid, huh? They couldn't figure it out. Staying. I don't know. What do I know? I love you guys that listen to this man, because like, it's so different from episode to episode,

but we really, you know, I feel nice that you listen and I really appreciate the people who subscribe for the Patreon and all that. You keep the show going. But whatever, you know, it's like, I do, I do. I started that chat on the Patreon. I do, they have a chat now, you can just fucking talk to people, so I'm just talking. You know, I go back and forth because I'm like,

you know, do you, when I think about my career, all of the ups and downs, it used to be like saying no to things made you desirable, made you be interesting. Not interesting, but like, you know, playing hard to get was a thing. It's not anymore. You're supposed to, if you're in the entertainment business, vlog you waking up. You know what I mean? It's like, that's so boring, but everyone wants it. If Leonardo DiCaprio fucking went live on Instagram,

f***ing went live on Instagram just creating a bowel movement are you that would get more views than the Revenant you understand it would break the internet Lee Liam Neeson if he was just like I'm taking up. I'm I know you guys like this. I know you guys like the live Instagram. So I'm going to go on a party and I'm just going to dump out. Mm hmm. There. Oh, God. I shouldn't have ate that pie. God damn it. It was good.

But then when I woke up and I got the coffee it really set it into motion. Oh God. Hey, how's it going? Yeah, thank you. Just on the live all you shitting. Yeah, thanks. Thanks Burned Kelly. Paella.

I already said it, paella. Yes, I am. Yes, it's the bathroom. Anyway, I don't think I'm going to do Taken 5. I've done too many Takens already. Oh God. Paella! I keep answering it. I'm not going to say it.

No. Stop asking. Fine. I've got a particular set of skills. Anyway, there you have it. I mean, it would just break the internet. More people would see that than fucking Schindler's List. There's three things I don't like when people say, last night was a movie, did a thing and the, the, and what was the one I said?

Did a thing last night was a movie. And the other one that I said, the that started it put in the text did a thing last night was a movie oh a time was had dude you're not cute Last Night Was a Movie is the worst one, you know? Like, it wasn't. Also, what movie? Right? It's bad movies out there. What movie was it? You say, Last Night Was a movie, what do you think of? You think of like, oh fucking, what movie? What movie? 54?

The movie with Ryan Philippi and the fucking, like that, I guess, would be fun, but doesn't somebody get AIDS in it? So it's like, what movie? Boogie Nights? Somebody gets AIDS in that! What movie? It's gotta be a movie that we, the person doesn't get AIDS in it, so it's like, what movie only have awesome characters that don't, what movie was it? Philadelphia?

Well we know it's not Philadelphia. I got it from Rocket, uh, a racquetball accident, a racquetball hit it. It's Allegiant. Last night was a movie. What kind of movie, dude? What movie? A Bugs Life? You fucking dork.

Last night was a movie. Mr. Mom. God, that's so, because that's something that chicks, the bros and the sluts, you know, those two people that like they're in Vegas and they're just like, yo, this is a movie and they're just standing around a table. Yo, don't forget, it's a movie right now. Yeah, it is a movie. A time was had. Be more specific, what kind of time? A dog shit time? No, a good time, just say say it you're not cute last night was a fucking movie what movie last night was a movie I got simultaneously I got

me and my buddy got simultaneously dumped by our eco-conscious girlfriends Monique and Jen in the middle of the desert. We needed a bathroom and then we entered what we thought was a mall but soon we realized it was a high-profile secure biological experiment and then we engaged in a year-long battle with this guy named Dr. Faulkner and the other scientists and we were forced to confront the recklessness of our behavior. Last night was Ah Shit dude last night was a movie come on man God damn it

Last night was a movie. Last night it was bad. Last night I was badly burned. And I was tended to by a nurse. And we were at an Italian monastery near the end of World War II and then my past was revealed and two flashbacks involving a married English woman. Holy shit! And my work mapping the African landscape.

And she learned to heal her old scars as she helped me dying Last night was there was the English patient What movie What movie dude, what what movie what movie do they mean even? I guess they mean it was cinematic right? Last night was a movie! Hell yeah! We got, last night dude we got fucking crazy! Last night I was a housewife who befriended an elderly woman in a nursing home and then she told me a bunch of stories and inspired me to change my life! It was lead!

Last night was fried green tomatoes! Anyway. Anyway, fried green tomatoes, you know. I guess we're done. I really appreciate you. Sign up for the Patreon. It really helps. Last night was a movie, dude. Patreon.com slash Chris D'Alea. That's how you get this and all the extra episodes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha So go check them out. Thanks a lot very much. Bye. Bye