Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 41. The Book Of Sega Genesis

Episode Date: November 6, 2017

It's the 41st episode! On today's show, Chris discusses menu food puns and restaurants that try to be cute. Also discussed: loud talkers, Faces of Death, chris's childhood friend Morgan, soccer/bicycle kicks, Fahrenheit vs Celsius, Yelp reviewers, & TMFUIPOTW. We announce new elders, and of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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So you've got to switch. Download the free Cash App for iOS or Android now. Episode 41. And this is the beginning of it. Time's going to pass. We're going to get to the middle of the episode. And after that, the episode's going to be over. Before you know it. Now, I know chronologically that makes so much sense. But my point is, some of you guys wait for this every week. And it's now.

So enjoy it. Don't take it for granted. And laugh. Laugh loud if you want. Or if not, get angry. Or if not, just feel good. Or decide that this is the last time that you're ever going to listen to it because you hate me. But either way, this is the moment.

But this episode, honestly, is actually really brought to you by. Do you know what it's actually really brought to you by? My fucking app. I got a new app. You just go to the app store and you know what it's actually really brought to you by? My fucking app. I got a new app. You just go to the app store and you type in Crystalia and that's the shit, dude. That's the shit right there. This is to streamline us as a cult

and to make sure we have a place to discuss ideas and you can post stuff about the podcast. You can post stuff about my standup. and to make sure we have a place to discuss ideas. And you can post stuff about the podcast. You can post stuff about my standup. You can post stuff, whatever you want. But it's my app. You type it into the app store, Chris D'Elia. It comes up and you download it.

And that's to, and you know what that is? That's to help me back up the fucking Brinks truck, dude. These Instagrams, these fucking Twitters, they're all making money off of us. I'm making money now off of me, bro. I see Diddy. I see Kevin Hart. I see all these fucking guys do it. It's time for fucking daddy to get this cult going and really make some fucking skrilla do you understand and you're gonna help with that um so uh anyway it's fucking episode 41

so download the app and uh and uh and let's have some fun my babies i just recorded uh a video saying we're going. We're about to record for episode 41. I'm going to give you exclusiveness. I'm going to give you behind the scenes BTS as a fucking hooker on Instagram with hashtag. It's all good. But, you know, if you were a hooker on Instagram, get hashtag BTS. Because that's what a lot of, now, of course, real models do it.

Now, of course, real models do it. Now, I don't want to feel the fierce backlash of the Instagram community, even though it won't, because it don't matter that much. Don't matter that much. won't because it don't matter that much i don't matter that much but um you know hookers also post bts when nobody's shooting anything of them and they're just taking a fucking selfie or a shot in the mirror with their fucking body looking like the men in black fucking guys that destroy the kitchen you know those little animals sometimes those fucking models look like the the little animal because they're doing like some cur little animals? Sometimes those fucking models look like the little animal because they're doing like some curvy fucking thing with their body.

They look like those little aliens that destroy the kitchen in Men in Black. They do. Hey, you look like that, and you're taking a picture of yourself in the mirror. You hooker. You take cash for fucking. You take cash for fucking you take cash for fucking you take racks and stacks for getting the dick um uh i'm feeling good man and i'm wearing a fucking pink shirt and you can see it if you're looking at the video podcast and i'm wearing pink shoes dude and i don't give a

fuck and i almost didn't because i don't like to do matchy-matchy. My mom got it in my head when I was younger, dude. She was like, I don't like when you match your shoes with your shirt. And it fucked me up, man. And it fucked me up. She also used to say, eat or you're going to get sick. She used to say that every fucking goddamn night of my life. She'd say, eat or you're going to get sick.

And it took me about 33 years, 33, 34 years to realize, oh, wait a minute. If I skip a meal, it doesn't mean I'm going to get the fucking bird flu. It doesn't mean I'm going to get a common cold. It really took some, man, this shit really damages you, you know? I mean, that's not even a bad thing like i had a great life coming up but my mom would be like either you're gonna get sick with a fucking plate of chicken staring at me in new jersey either you're gonna get sick and my little kid you say that enough you said three times to a kid he's fucked up she would say it every night and i'd eat it because i didn't want to get sick. You know?

Hey, mom, stop fucking up your sons. You can't. No matter what, we fuck up. That's the thing. That's why there's fucking SoundCloud rappers now. It just gets worse and worse and worse, and before you know it, you got fucking guys with sixes tattooed on his goddamn eyeball. That's what happens, man.

Just came from my fucking coffee shop shop and there's a guy there i never fucking talked about this did i there's a there's a guy there brian callen's calling me right now look at that fucking brian callen's calling me actually now i shouldn't because who knows what the fuck he's going to say. I almost put it on speaker and he'd be like, what's up, you fucking cunt? I picked up and hung up on him. Fuck him. But anyway, so anyway, what was I going to say? Oh, yeah.

So there's this guy who teaches English at this coffee shop I go to. He teaches English to fucking people who want to learn English. And it's cool. And he's there all day. And it's almost like he should rent out space. Super nice guy. But he says hi to everybody that comes into the coffee shop

because he knows everybody. And he knows me. And I know him, of course. And I saw him today. And it was like fucking 11 a.m. And I know him, of course. And I saw him today. And it was like fucking 11 a.m.

And, you know, he knows people that come in. And when he comes in, he's one of those guys that just talks so loud to people. There's like 23 people in the coffee shop. And he'll just be like, hey, how's your day going? And this girl's like, oh, you're pretty good. You eating a banana? girl's like, oh, you're pretty good. You eating a banana? She's like, yep. And he's like, she's like, I'm trying to talk with my mouth full, but. Oh, yeah.

And everyone, everyone hears. What's up with these loud talkers, dude? Talk quieter. Everyone can hear. Everyone can fucking hear. We can all hear. We can all hear. We got ears. So I'm like, I got to leave.

And I'm trying to not make eye contact with him because I don't really have much time. I don't want to fucking. So I walk over to the trash can to throw something away. And he says, hey, man. I say, oh, what's going on? And I talk quieter. When someone talks loud to me, I do it quieter. Because I want them to know how goddamn loud they're talking.

It's like the scene from fucking Heat when Al Pacino was like, oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, we're going to take guns. Oh, boy. And Robert De Niro was just like. You know what I mean? And Al Pacino was like, fucking, I'm killing it. Oh, boy.

I'm killing it. I'm killing it. And then Robert De Niro was like, no, but like fucking i'm killing it oh boy i'm killing it i'm killing it and then robert de niro's like no but really i'm killing it you really realize what a fucking asshole al pacino's being when fucking robert de niro comes in and does that right so i'm fucking doing the robert de niro to his Al Pacino and he's just like um so he says uh how's the country because you know he knows I tour and shit which and I'm and in my head I almost say if it was a normal guy to talk not loud I'd be like oh actually I was out of out of the country for about three weeks I was in Australia Australia. But I don't want to. So I just say, oh, it's good.

Shit, man, it's good. And he says, oh, great. And then I leave. And it's embarrassing. Because, like, now everybody knows in there that I'm all around the country. And they know my business. And I don't really care if people know my business at the coffee shop. I don't give a fuck.

But it's just like, what are we doing, a play? You know what I mean? What are we doing, a fucking play? And everyone's an audience member? Hey, man, oh, those shoes look comfortable. He'll be like that. Oh, yeah, they are. Yeah, what are they?

And now I got to fucking tell everybody, oh, they're Ultra Boosts, you know, yada, yada. And now everybody knows I fucking, you know what I mean, ordered Ultra Boosts online or some shit. That's just embarrassing. I get, like, here's the thing. I never get, like, embarrassed, really, because I always said, like, when you bomb in front of, like, 400 people, which I've done before, like, that's the worst part of embarrassment.

That's like there's nothing more embarrassing than that. Like literally you can walk into a classroom in high school with your dick out by mistake. And even if you have a little fucking penis that has a little bit of discoloration on it, it's less embarrassing than fucking bombing in front of 400 people. So I've done that. that's the scariest thing what oh so what's what what's less what what now i'm gonna talk to a girl and fail who gives a flying shit fuck i've bombed in front of 400 people at the irvine improv after sadiki fuller went on and murdered so um so I I fucking went on and uh so I didn't go on so so I get him I I don't get embarrassed I don't get embarrassed and I don't get nervous really because it's hard for comedians to get nervous check sadiki fuller out by the way he's funny he's a fucking great guy um but uh but uh there's a few times i do get a little weird when i have i have to have a loud conversation with somebody and there's other people around um and but here's another thing that i i actually wrote this down because i don't know

about this um uh here look so i i feel like i just got over this by the way i used to feel like uh sometimes i feel fucking embarrassed and like a bitch at restaurants. And I wonder if you guys feel this way too, or if this is just a me thing. When I have to order food, I feel bitchy, like a bitch. Not like a mean bitch, like a bitch, like insecure bitch. By the way, whenever I say bitch i mean insecure i don't mean like you know um but uh i feel like a bitch whenever i have to order a food from a restaurant because and this is so weird because especially if it's like a fucking rootin' tootin' cob salad, because they made it.

First of all, I won't say that. If I'm at the fucking Denny's and it says moons over my hammy and that's what I want, I grab the menu and I look at the waiter and I say, that's what I want. And if there's no picture, I say this, and they have to read it, because I'm not fucking going to your establishment and saying moons over my hammy, okay? I'll say it here to let you know that we don't stand for that in the congratulations cult.

But, dude, you're going to make me, just because I'm hungry, sit down at your restaurant and say some cute bullshit like moons over my hammy? Uh-uh. Dude, I ain't saying it. Now, I hate to say it like this, but, dude, I ain't saying it, dude, I ain't saying it, I'm no fucking cuda, dude, you're not getting me all lost up in the sauce, dude, no fucking way, okay, so, oh, by the way, not ordering moons over miami cuz don't want cancer okay the reason is why because i don't want a heart attack

oh and they come in it for sure no doubt in denny's they fucking jerk off in the food you're telling me that nobody's ever jerked off and fucking come in the food at Denny's? Bullshit. Short order chefs do it all the time. And you know they do. Hey, by the way, don't ever send some shit back on a short order chef. There's no fucking way. They spit and come in it.

No doubt. There's no fucking doubt. If you're at a nice, classy restaurant, cool. out there's no fucking doubt if you're at a nice rat classy restaurant cool but if you're at some fucking thing like the uh the greenwich fucking diner or something in new in new york they'll come in your fucking on your plate no doubt um yeah i never send food back when it looks like a janky ass place but uh i feel like a bitch when i have to say especially i used to i just got over this at uh at the at sushi when i sit at the bar and i'm alone and i'm like yeah can i get two salmon sushi i feel like a bitch even saying it now i don't know why yeah can i get two uh i would

like to get two orders of the salmon sushi and i hate here's the thing too man when you go get sushi every time you order two orders of the salmon fucking sushi or whatever they always say so that's a two piece or a two two order two orders that's a four yeah i know two comes in the fucking one two piece or two order two order okay so and it's because all these fucking people that fuck it up yeah let me get a two and then four come and then they're like oh i ordered two and you're like yeah but two coming too look at the fucking menu they have pictures of the goddamn thing oh i just wanted two. That's $18? How expensive is sushi, you know?

What the fuck? Fish is expensive, man. But I do. I feel like a bitch whenever I have to order some shit. I don't really feel like a bitch whenever I have to order something on... Like a cafe. But I do when I have to fucking go at, like, a little bit nicer restaurant. I don't know what the fuck that is, dude.

It's weird. But anyway, this guy was talking louder and shit. But anyway, this guy was talking louder and shit. Surround about. But God damn, he was just talking loud. What is up with that? People that just fucking talk loud. Sometimes I straight up tell him, I say, hey, man, you're talking too loud, bro.

I'm right here. It's all good. I try to do it in a disarming way you know um I was at this fucking other coffee shop the other day and I went to go back out of the space it was after they were closed and I went to go back out of the space and I almost hit the fucking chain that they blocked the parking lot off with, which is like, why? You know? Why? What, what, what?

Someone's going to park there after hours? Who gives a fuck? Who cares? You're going to put a chain across your parking lot? For what? Oh, cool. Now an Acura can't park there uh-oh hey guys what if a fucking acura parked there for three hours i'm fucking annoyed with myself right now talking about that i don't if i if i was listening to me right now, the podcast, I'd turn it off at this point. But no, and I almost hit it. And I decided in my head, in my fantasy, you ever do this shit?

In my fantasy, I hit it, got mad because I was still there at the coffee shop. So in my head, they shouldn't have put the chain over there yet because I was still in the establishment. And then because the other exit didn't have the chain on it and they wanted everyone to leave that chain that way. But in my head, I hit it and my fantasy and I parked this car right where it was, where I hit it and walk back in. And I yelled at them and I said, I'm still in the fucking parking lot. Why the fuck would you put the chain on? Obviously, I might was where i hit it and walked back in and i yelled at them and i said i'm still in the fucking parking lot why the fuck would you put the chain on obviously i might back up and hit it what is up with you motherfuckers and then i and then i like felt good that in my fantasy i i i i stood up for myself even though none of it happened you know i did a whole larry david episode in my head and even though it didn't happen i felt vindicated i drove home like

yeah that'll fucking teach them didn't happen you guys do that shit too i know you do how fucking crazy is that the shit you think of you ever think of fucking crazy shit like that and then you're like oh god this is fucked up like i'll i'll straight up think sometimes i'm hanging out with somebody and i'll think what happens if i just stabbed them up their fucking neck what would happen it would be all fucking goofy and real you know just like they'd make that noise you know and then they'd fall down dead and i'd be all fucking goofy and real, you know, just like they'd make that noise, you know, and then they'd fall down dead. And I'd be a fucking criminal.

I'd be a fucking criminal. And then I'd have to run or turn myself in. If I just fucking founded a sharp fence and then went and just fucking talk about gargle gargle dude and then just bleeding all over their fucking Massimo shirt or sometimes I fucking I mean here's the thing I think about that shit

I do I don't care and I think a lot of you guys do too one time I was hanging out at fucking some Mexican restaurant with my friend Morgan Doizaki. Dude, I was always the friends with the fucking weirdest kids, man. When I was in high school, my mom would be like, how come you can't hang out with people who have parents I can hang out with? Morgan Doizaki was this Japanese, the only fucking Japanese kid.

By the way, the only Asian kid in my fucking high school that got Ds. All Asians got A pluses. They got new letters. Whatever is above the A. Zap. They got the letter Zap. That's before A. That's how good they were.

And I was friends with the only fucking Asian guy that got Ds. Morgan Doizaki. And his mom would be like, every time I called, she'd say,もしもし, yeah? And I'd say, the only fucking Asian guy that got D's. Morgan Doizaki. And his mom would be like, every time I called, she'd say, And I'd say, hey, is Morgan there? Morgan, I'm not here. Morgan, I'm not here. Okay, cool. See ya.

Dude, and one time we ran over fucking Morgan's house and we watched Faces of Death on VHS. Dude, remember that fucking faces of death remember that fucking thing where they would be like some in some other countries people eat live monkeys and they would put a fucking monkey in a in a in a fucking device and like the people who were at the place to eat would just bash the monkey's head in until it died and then eat the monkey brains and then some guy just it would just show people dying where could you get you had to get it like a fucking you couldn't get it a blockbuster obviously but it's called faces of death and it would have videos of

real but this is before the internet and they'd have like uh you'd have to get it at some place called like fucking odyssey video you know or like extreme something and you'd be like do you have faces of death and they would always fucking say, no, but we have traces of death. There was a rip off traces of death. There was faces of death, which is the one. And then they'd fucking rip it.

They had traces of death. How could you have fucking trace? Dude, if there's a thing called faces of death and it's popular, how could you have a fucking thing called traces of death? What a fucking dick all for the cash man so we would do it some so i would fucking so one time i was at a mexican restaurant so anyway my mom couldn't be friends with a fucking japanese lady who couldn't speak English, obviously.

There was another kid, Michael, whose dad was Greek as fuck, dude. I don't even remember Michael's last name, but his dad was Greek as fuck. And one time I said, oh, mom, there's my friend. Because we just moved from New Jersey. And I was like, oh, mom, there's my friend, Michael. And we were at the fucking pick and save parking lot. And I waved. And my mom waved at Michael.

And the dad was in the car and he was all russian and he was oh no he's russian and he was like hello hello and he almost fucking hit the goddamn poles that they have for no reason in the parking structures why are there fucking poles for no reason sometimes in parking structures just for us to hit them and shit anyway he almost hit the thing and he had to stop. And my mom fucking laughed so hard, dude. And then she told me, eat or I'm going to get sick. Oh, hello.

My son is named Michael, even though it's obviously Mikael. But we moved to Southern California. Even though it is Mikael. It is Michael now. And so he almost fucking crashed into the yellow pole at fucking pick and save shit he's probably dead now you know it's fucking 25 years later

he's fucking dead you ever think about that shit motherfuckers die you ever watch movies in the 80s and somebody's 60 in a movie in the 80s and you're like ah that motherfucker's dead now at least he didn't get stabbed in the fucking neck and just drop down fucking dead is shit that is a fucking doorknob you hear that shit cracking my neck because it's real so um so anyway uh so morgan so anyway one time i was by the way man that's one of those names

morgan it's like dude you male or female morgan you're gonna have a fucking name you male or female you fucking male or female dude pick the name fucking kent okay if your name is going to be morgan if you're thinking about naming your kid morgan as a guy name him kent all right if you're thinking about naming a kid morgan as a girl name her fucking mary do you understand kent or mary not morgan anyway um so one time i took one of these fantasies for real man i wanted to do it i put a bunch of salt in my fucking hands in my hand and i said to morgan oh man there's so many fucking stories about morgan dude so i said uh hey man you want to feel my ninja dust and he said what the fuck is that he would always every time he said what the he would always run it together what the fuck is that

and i'd say uh you want to feel my ninja dust and he said oh i don't know what the fuck that is what the fuck is that and i said well do you want it's yes or no dude if you don't want to fucking know feel my ninja dust then just say no and we'll drop it and we won't talk about the ninja just ever ever again but he was too curious see that's the thing man curiosity will fucking get you i said you either want to know what it is or you don't and he said well no you know sure yeah his curiosity got the best of him and i took the salt and i fucking i threw it right at his face and it went in his eyes and that was a shitty thing to do and he goes like oh what the fuck is it what the fuck is it what the fuck is it what the fuck is it he fucking was

waving his eyes and i and i was laughing dude i was laughing like a motherfucker and i said it's salt man don't worry about it like what did he think it was dude fucking cumin what do you think it was ninja dust oh what the fuck is it oh what the fuck is it oh what the fuck is it and then one time i played soccer and we were on the same team dude we were fucking horrible he was goalie he was goalie and i was fucking defense because obviously i wasn't offense because i fucking sucked because soccer sucks oh hey run around and never stop no uh but it's soccer see ya hey buy shin pads no never would i fucking ever do an event event where i had to block my shins from getting hurt see ya so i knew about bicycle kicks and i thought those

things were the fucking shit dude bicycle kicks bro land on your back and fucking kick the ball out of trouble that's got my name written all over it dude i don't give a fuck what i did in soccer i was gonna do bicycle kicks that was gonna be my specialty bro you know in video games when you fucking have to make your team or whatever or it's a race car game and you're like well this car is good at accelerating but the traction is shitty and it's so fast but the fucking uh the the the uh the the other thing is good or the fucking wheels are great or whatever the fuck i always where people pick the fucking uh one that's best at all of them the average one that's best because you can't get good at

everything unless you're like on level 100 which is bullshit but you'd have to get pick the one that's like good at like fucking accelerating or good at like traction fuck that i didn't i didn't pick the one that was at the best that you know average the best i picked the one that always had one that was bonkers good at something like the acceleration and then i just fucking kill it in the acceleration and then lose in the long run and then say this game sucks so uh fuck i don't know what i was talking about what oh yeah so the fucking bicycle i was like dude i'm gonna be horrible at defense offense stamina and everything but bicycle kicks were gonna be my shit so i was like whenever i see a ball coming high i'm going upside the fuck down

and bicycle kicking it out of trouble okay now i played defense all right so sure enough games in this is into the season i remember we were the green team ayso soccer morgan was the only other guy that i knew on the team, and he was the goalie. So it was me and fucking Morgan Doizaki chilling in the defense all the time getting scored on, okay? Now, we weren't a very good team, and the reason why is because me and Morgan Doizaki were on it. If you got two of us on your team,

it's probably going to be bad, okay? Unless you got fucking Pele on it too but here comes the ball high and I and and it's and I'm and I'm and it and it's coming and I don't want it to get I don't want to get scored on even though I secretly don't give a fuck but not secretly also the coach knew but because that's why I I fucking was defensive you had to put me in so the ball came came high, and here it comes, my chance to fucking bicycle kick it. So here, daddy goes fucking upside down, and I'm going to go kick it, and I connect, and Morgan's there too, and he's like, well, I'll just grab it. He's like, no, no, no, Chris, what the fuck are you doing?

What the fuck are you doing? And I kicked it, and sure enough, by mistake, I fucking kicked it right into our goal. No, no, no, Chris, what the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? No, no. No, no, no, Chris, what the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? No, no, no, no, no, no. What the fuck are you doing? And we fucking, and I scored on our team. And the other team got the point.

And I don't give a fuck. And I didn't give a fuck then either. I went, ah, fuck. What the fuck are you doing? No, Chris, no. Dan, dude, we're looking at Morgan Dusker right now he looks like a stud dude

he turned into a stud oh is that his sister or his mom oh that's his mom wow oh man of course they got pictures with fucking Hawaiian shirts

and leis on I feel like that's an Asian family thing to do that's his brother um oh wow taking me back I don't know if we should show these pics on the podcast but

it's fucking crazy how to see those guys again sweating like a motherfucker guys sweating like a motherfucker for some reason they didn't put air vents on the podcast room alright guys Lyft Lyft knows that their drivers are what keep them moving so they do everything they can to make sure their drivers are happy on every trip

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because they got cool colors that help you pick out which one you know is yours. Hey, do it and be cool when they pick you up because they got cool colors that help you pick out which one you know is yours. You say, oh, it's pink. Oh, that's got a pink thing on it. I'll just hop in that one. Blue Apron. I've been eating Blue Apron, man. Blue Apron is great food.

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to cook. Tacos. I'm sweating my fucking balls off, guys. I'm sweating my fucking balls off. I've been killing it at the gym, man. Just fucking working hard. Hey, dude. I've joined, I've been in a lot of gyms and shit in my life.

Well, not a lot. Five, six. But I noticed something, man. People don't fucking work out hard. I go to the gym, I fucking work hard. I'm pretty much, it's very rare where there's two minutes that I'm not doing something. Motherfuckers are walking around texting, sitting on machines, farting and dilly dallying around. The fuck out of here, dude. I don't understand that. And I don't understand people that are just so jacked

staring at themselves in the mirror all the time. Just fucking work out and go home. You got mirrors at home. I actually think that guys who work out so much and are so fucking fit and look like bodybuilders, I think all of those guys have fucked a guy. Because you can't be looking at your body and love the male physique that much, even if it's yours, without being sexually attracted to it also. I think all those guys have fucked each other bodybuilding is so weird now at a professional level professional level it's a little less weird because at least you're fucking that's your job these guys get paid nothing though if you get paid a million dollars as a bodybuilder, that's insane. But if you're just a guy who like recreationally pumps iron and you're so big, you're so weird, dude.

You're so weird. How about how fucking stupid some of these routines are like some guys will be doing robotic movements while he's fucking look at this planet vids.com you know russian bodybuilder looks like robot no he doesn't what is he doing dude what is he doing he made this up at home you know i've seen this before, actually. I can't believe how much I'm sweating, dude. Whatever. At least I'm fucking shedding some salty weight. Some salt water. What I said?

My producer says, gross, dude. Want a fire? So anyway, get my app, dude. You know? Get my fucking app. I don't give a fuck. Get my fucking app, dude. I'm fucking sweating like a motherfucker.

Get my app. You know? I'm lazy with this shit right now. Get it. get my app you know i'm lazy with this shit right now get it uh i'm still you know what i was thinking about the other day yeah give me that towel what is that is that what is? What's on it? You know? I mean, what is this? Yeah, here.

What is it? Is this yours? Oh. Got it right here. The terrycloth. Yeah. You can get it at my fucking website. For the gym. Terrycloth.

I got my terrycloth. Yeah. Oh. Oh, yeah, dude. For the gym. Terry cloth. I got my Terry cloth. Yeah. Uh. Oh, yeah, dude. That feels good, dude. How, oh, fuck it. You know, whatever.

Yeah. Out here in Phoenix. So, oh, that feels much better, dude. Um, so, uh, yeah, it's it's fucking, what, 80 degrees in here? Or if you're doing it in Celsius, 30. Why is that, man? Why is America the only one that is like, we'll do Fahrenheit, we'll make our own shit? That's so annoying, dude.

Then we travel to fucking somewhere else and they're like, hey, it's 30 degrees. And you're like, what? No, it's not. I'm fucking hot. Yeah, that's hot, it's hot, mate, really, yeah, it's 30 degrees, sometimes it gets up to 40 degrees, sometimes it gets up to 40 degrees in here, really, yeah, sometimes it gets up to 40 degrees in here, that's freezing, that's not, sometimes it gets up to 40 degrees in here light that's freezing that's not it's log 112 degrees for you 112 degrees for you um so uh yeah but uh anyway um i don't know why they would do that america is such a america's got such a fuck you attitude you know where they're just like now

we'll do it our own way like the the metric system, like just do that. I'm in Australia and people are like, yeah, yeah, well, I like non-tikilis. I don't know what the fuck that means. The fuck does that mean? I have no clue. Teach it in school. They teach it in school and they don't teach you the other shit. i don't know um i'm gonna fucking do these other ads here stamps.com these days you can get practically everything on demand like our podcast listen

whenever you want when it's convenient for you so why are you still going to the post office, dude? Hey, are you in 1991? Why are you dealing with their limited hours? Get stamps at 3 a.m. When you can get postage on demand with stamps.com, what are you doing going to the post office? Stamps.com. Anything you can do at the post office, you can do right now at your desk with Stamps.com. My producer uses it to mail out our elder certificates and pins. Thanks, Stamps.com.

Unlike the post office, Stamps.com never closes. Right now, use my name, congrats, for this special offer. Four-week trial. Hey, that's what he wrote. Right now, use my name, congrats for this special offer. Four-week trial. Hey, that's what he wrote. Right now, use my name. Congrats. That's what my producer wrote. One fire.

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That's stamps.com. Click the microphone. Enter congrats. Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again. So all you got to do is add my name. Congrats. Congrats, D'Elia.

Square Cash. Now, these guys have been fucking with us since the beginning. It seems the babies are switching to the Cash app, and it's the number one finance app in the App Store. I use it. It's cool. It's awesome. It's green and shit. I like it.

Maybe it's because it's the best way to pay people back. Friends, family, coworkers, and dare I say, even cootas. If you're going to the Coachella shit, and you bought tickets for everybody, or somebody bought tickets for you, you can pay a Kuda back for your ticket. It's never been easy. It's never been this easy. Download the Square Cash app, link your debit or credit card, select an amount to send, and type in a friend's phone number or email address to complete the payment. They get a notification. They just received the money.

That's it. No gimmicks. I did it with my buddy who I get shoes from. Square Cash is better than the other guys. It doesn't list your fucking stuff in a feed. Hey, I don't want people to know when I'm buying hair products. Cash Card is cool. It's a black debit card that you can design yourself via the app.

Here is mine and just robbed me blind because now on the video app you can see it. Cash card allows you to use the cash that you keep directly in the via the cash directly via the cash app. Laser at your card, your artistic laser at your card. If you artistic personalize it and will be delivered directly to you for free. Download the free cash app for iOS or Android now. Babies, what the fuck? Who goes on fucking Yelp? That's what I want to know. I go on Yelp, but I want to know who signs in on Yelp. That's what I want to know. I go on Yelp, but I want to know who signs in on Yelp.

Who fucking leaves a review on Yelp? You know what? You know who, you know who, you know who leaves a review on Yelp? A fucking asshole. That's who. You cannot leave a review on Yelp without being a fucking asshole. review to a picture frame shop and rate them three stars and write how good the experience was except for here were the shortcomings and this is why it's three stars not four or five or whatever you're a fucking asshole. Do you understand? And we can all agree on that. And you have to understand that if that's what you're doing, you're a fucking asshole. And then that's okay.

But dude, there are people out there that spend time yelping, yelp reviewing donut shops. You're an asshole. You're an asshole. Sfrikonch. Now look, Sfrikonch. You can sign into Yelp. Sfrikonch. You can write a review.

Sfrikanj, you can post a review. However, you're an asshole. Let me repeat that. Sfrikanj, you can sign in on Yelp. Sfrikanch, you can write a review on Yelp. Sfrikanch, you can post the review on Yelp. However, if you do, you're an asshole. Now, my producer coughed in the middle of me doing that one fire because you can hear it in the background but it's okay you an ass hey i didn't like these

donuts get the sprinkled ones though honestly it's the only reason for going there. Two stars. You complete asshole. Why is your nose facing me? Turn around. Take this dick. Turn around. Feel this discomfort. I don't want to fuck you, but you don't want me to. And that's what you deserve.

Probably not the best fucking joke to make now in today's climate but you know what dude been saying it since the fucking beginning of the podcast not changing because of society how's that it's free conch do what one um so yeah boy it's fucking sweating my balls off here in the fucking congratulations studio sweating my balls i get fucking i think it makes the podcast better because i get all fucking loosey-goosey because i'm sweating balls off it was fucking cold i don't know if i get all fucking loosey-goosey because I'm sweating balls off. It was fucking cold. I don't know if I'd be so loosey-goosey.

Okay. Let's fucking name these elders, dude. Okay? It's about time we name these fucking elders. These guys have been fucking killing it. We're naming these new elders. These guys, nobody has been fucking done what these guys have done. These guys spend man hours.

It's sexist to call them man hours. One female can work man hours as well. But these guys put man hours into this fucking Twitter account. They made the True Babies Twitter account. These are the new elders, four of them. Sam Link, at Sam Link. Joey Scott, at Joey Scott. Chris, at Chris Crownover underscore.

Craig, at Craig Johns Jr. At the True Babies. That's who these guys are. They made the True Babies Twitter account, which is already fucking great that they do it. They make amazing original content based on the show all the time. I retweet it. It's fucking hilarious, dude. I watch this shit and I howl. They did a Black Panther trailer, and then they did the whole Wendy's one about how we're common for them.

And it's a little scary, but it's definitely a joke. But it's fucking hilarious. They make us laugh all the fucking time, really. Me and my producer, one fire and one fire too But They couldn't be more deserving of an eldership So they're elders now We just had to wait until we caught up

We wanted to give it to them for a while We'll DM you guys, True Babies, with the details To get your pin-in certificate We're going to send four of them And so that's cool Oh, and you know what? We also want to give a shout-out to Mr. Green, at Green Hip Hop who made our theme music.

He's an honorary elder. So I didn't want to forget that. I keep meaning to say that. But congratulations, the True Babies Twitter account. And we're all True Babies. They made the account. But we're all True Babies if you listen to the podcast and if you guys are fucking listening to the podcast and spreading the word. But they even made the last one they made about the fucking Wendy's thing.

They even got like, I feel like they outsourced videos. They asked another elder to get a video. She's in it. Anyway. Oh, God. Chairs are really good for the... You can tell these chairs are really good for your back, huh? These fucking orange slumpy ass chairs.

I'm going to look up these fucking most fucked up Instagram posts of the week. I know I put some here. Okay, now I have full bars here, but it's not happening. Uh-oh. The most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. Gunk. This is it.

This is it. This is great. It's a workout guy. He's flexing real hard. Bad lighting. Gym. He's got a hat on. I don't like when people work out with baseball hats on too.

That pisses me off. It's like the fuck take it off you need to look like a bro we're going to look cool this is what it says i believe that fitness in itself can be viewed the same as that of religion first of all it's so annoying that he says that of religion like we like just talk the way you talk why do People got to be so dramatic. They think they got something to say. I believe that fitness in itself, like you could just say, I believe, I think fitness is like religion. Right?

Why does this fucking guy say, I believe that fitness in itself can be viewed the same as that of religion. He's never said a sentence like this before in his life, but he's writing it like that because he thinks he's got a platform. And you know what? He does, which is annoying. Now, granted, he's probably only got how many followers? He's got not even 700 followers, but it's like, dude, if you were talking in a room

with 700 people, that's a lot of people. Like religion, now here comes the awful analogies. Like religion, it can be depicted in both a positive and negative light i mean i guess you know who really thinks of working out as negative nobody therefore strong analogy already those that don't understand it often mock or disregard it entirely who fucking disregards working out like i understand if you don't want to do it, but who's like, nah, nobody should, nobody's, nah. Some feel they need it, but are not ready to fully commit the time, okay?

Both communities, in a way, have saved people from depression, suicide, drug, alcohol addictions, et cetera, sure. Yet that often goes unnoticed. Okay, I guess you're not really now that I go unnoticed now. The reality is you can believe in whatever you want. At the end of the day, I want now here's where he makes it about him. I 100% guarantee I will still wake up before 5am tomorrow, plug my headphones in and practice my religion. headphones in and practice my religion. He means work out, obviously. Whenever I read something like that in my head and sometimes out loud, I go like this. What's he doing? I'll go. So, come on.

Who do these fucking people think they are? Gandhi? Hey, man. Did you walk around in the desert for years? No? You just have a car and drive to the gym. See ya. See ya.

That's the most fucked up Instagram post of the week. I don't know when the fucking... But... Yeah. Wow. but uh yeah wow my dogs keep throwing up what's the deal with that my dog took a fucking liquidy shit on my carpet the other day a liquidy shit dude

like I had to clean it up it was so hard to clean up on my carpet the other day. A liquidy shit, dude. Like, I had to clean it up. It was so hard to clean up because it was like picking up that gack. Remember that fucking Nickelodeon gack? Remember that? It was more watery than that, though. And there was something in it. I don't even know what the fuck was in it.

Like, not even edible shit, you know? Yeah, and people are like yeah but get organic dog food yeah get organic dog food whatever was in my dog shit was not an organic dog food they'll eat a fucking literally would eat a condom like a dog would eat a condom straight up 100 uh all right cool let's do this uh twitter questions from yakuta baby at turnaround gunk what about when motherfuckers this sentence what about when motherfuckers who put the long european license plates on their car fuck off off. Congratulations. Yeah, you mean Europeans? What's this guy talking about? Do Americans, can you do that?

Yeah, but didn't they get their car imported and they just didn't get their license plate yet? That's got to be that, dude. If you fucking get the European license plate, that's got to be illegal. How about those long-ass license plates, you know? How long has it got to be? How long has it got to be illegal how does a long ass license plate you

know how long has it got to be how long it's got to be long as my cock dude how long do those license plates have to be as long as my cock um oh that's a good one and go back and go back producer one fire tracy chiappi weird last name at TR Chiappi thoughts on sidewalk preachers telling everyone they're all going to hell yeah dude there's one guy on Hollywood and Highland that does this and dude this guy it's like

you're not changing anybody I would venture to say did that guy's foot traffic it's gotta be thousands of people a day he's literally not one person was like okay I'll believe in Jesus there's got to be thousands of people a day. He's literally not one person who's like, okay, I'll believe in Jesus. You either believe in Jesus or you don't. And this guy, repent.

They're all talking about, repent, the day is coming. Really, when? When's it coming? When? Salvation. Just buzzwords. Repent and salvation. 16 4 they just say numbers and shit has nothing to do with the fucking thing i could go out there talk bullshit i know nothing about

religion john said in 14 6 that the day was coming and to reckon upon thee with great vengeance i could just say that, not even sentences, and people would just walk by. They wouldn't even notice. They'd just be like, oh, yeah. And I wouldn't change anybody's mind. Get a better outlet. If you're on the street corner doing anything,

get a better outlet. Get a blog, dude. Target fucking your audience get a twitter you know what you shouldn't do stand on a crate ever hey don't stand on a crate hold a wooden stick with a fucking yellow poster board on the top of it written in sharpie at least get the sign made do it better repent in the salvation aristotle said in 12 9 book ofations, don't be a cuda. Jim said, I could even say names that aren't even in the thing. Tyler said in the book of Genesis,

Tyler said in the book of Sega Genesis, in verse 9, chapter line 12 the reckoning will come upon with a fierce awakening and people will just walk by and not know what the fuck i was saying here's mace at mace cratch when i was a baby i would catch kudas by the way apostrophe s i don't like that mistake dude when i was a baby i would catch kuda kuda is kudas now i'm a grown man but still a baby telling kuda is to turn around turn around so is a baby, a kid, holding a cuda, a barracuda, an actual barracuda. You need to redo that picture right now,

dude, how old you are, and hold a fucking actual human cuda. Um, and put it back to back. Now, that's cool. How about the apostrophe S's? You ever see that website that's like, there's a website out there that's like,

apostrophe, mistake by apostrophe ever see that website that's like, there's a website out there that's like apostrophe, mistake by apostrophe or something, and it's like, it shows all the fucking signs with the bullshit apostrophes. There's one in downtown LA I just saw. I drove by. I did a gig downtown, and there's one that was like something about jewelry, jewelries, and it had, it said jewelries. I don't know, something like that it had a posh V.S. And it was so dumb Whatever

Here's from The Right Stuff At Cool What is it? Kool-Aid Man 518

Right? What's with people Who brush their teeth at work? I actually think that that's good. If you're doing anything with personal hygiene, good. People are messy as shit. People are gross. They're sweaty and clammy.

And they have bad breath. And they have fucking like crust and shit. Wash up. Wash the fuck up. Brush your teeth at home and only bring it out when it's needed but like also you're annoying if you just eat lunch

and then have to brush your teeth though so like brush your teeth every once in a while at work if you need to but like don't be the guy that does it every day then it's just like you're a fucking weirdo you're just like some guy that's like or some girl that like just takes it too far.

I know a comedian that brings his own sheets to fucking, well, he's really successful now, but when he used to do gigs and stay at the comedy condos, he would fucking bring his own sheets, which is like, kind of makes sense now that I think about it because that's so gross. zone sheets which is like kind of makes sense now i think about it because that's so gross i mean there's so much fucking weird shit on those sheets probably the comedy condos especially at the la jolla comedy store one jesus christ it's probably got sam kinnison's come on it oh oh as he's coming so stupid go where the food is. You know what else made me think of the fucking,

what was I just talking about? I don't know. But the fucking, when people have big ass water bottles. Or some people have that like really big water bottle with like a handle on it. Dude, go to a place to fill up a smaller water bottle. I mean, you know, you can get a big fucking bottle with a handle. Buy another one, you asshole. Cheapskate. Big ass fucking with a

crystal geyser so big with a with a rope handle some have a fucking like a plastic or a plastic milk gallon thing of it some people have that and they work out with that dude like fill

it up intermittently bring a little arrowhead water bottle and fill it up intermittently bring a little arrowhead water bottle and fill it up intermittently you know if you're that guy who drink man dom domerara has a funny bit about that fucking who drinks that much water about how doctors say you got to drink fucking eight to ten gallons a day or whatever the fuck it is uh i'm not going to fucking try to ruin it, but it's so funny. But who drinks that much fucking water at the gym? They got that fucking gallon. Who does that?

So annoying. I don't know. I don't know. I want somebody to do that with... Soda. At the gym. Or like a fucking milkshake. Bring a huge milkshake.

At the gym. And just fucking drink it. And it's so hard to drink it and it's so fucking thick do we got one more question not that one before i get out of this hot how did i get less hot as we went on oh here we go kabir upal at k underscore t at all t-a-l t-a-a-l hey you need to stop using the fuck word uh uh 100 i mean what what is this fucking guy even saying hey you need to stop using the fuck word uh 100 of the time in your podcast. A 100% of the time. So this guy's not American, obviously. Using the fuck word.

I mean, no, I won't. I won't stop using it. I'll use it whenever I want. And also, here's a hashtag not your mom, hashtag still a true baby hashtag congratulations i'll tell you what you're not a true baby if you tell them the fucking cult leader what to do i mean you're out bro kabir you're out you're not a true baby see ya you're not at k underscore t a a l you're out

i won't block you or anything but you're just out you're not coming to the cabin in the woods that's that's that's as much that's as much that's that much is true i watched that mind hunters show is fucking good man it was really interesting did you watch it one episode he shakes his head he's like yeah it's really good he watches one fucking goddamn episode see this is why one fire yeah you like the one episode but you got to watch the whole fucking thing to know if you like the whole fucking thing or not one fire shakes he said oh yeah i love it why did you see one episode just 10 goddamn episodes and what fuck is 10 of it the last two episodes are great they're gonna make another season i heard um but yeah uh anyway uh yeah i I'll, I'll, you know, I'll say fuck whenever the fuck I want.

Gotta, gotta, gotta talk the way you talk, dude. You can't fucking not talk the way you don't talk. I remember when somebody said, yeah, but you, a teacher said, yeah, but if you say it, fuck a lot, you're limited your vocabulary. Huh? If I don't say fuck i'm using one less word if i don't say fuck i'm using one less word uh

zach crampton add zach crampton slacks or trousers what the fuck are slacks what the fuck are trousers man you're goddamn british i tell you what if you're american and you just asked me that question move to britain we'll catch you later all right dude it's hot we've done over an hour for you motherfuckers fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck how's that tall tall or whatever the hell your name was um so here we go new shirts in the store no cuda, you go get it, and did we put up the other one, the new one, there's a fucking cool one we did, it's like a, got a vintage look, it's a, it's a rock tee, a metal rock tee, yeah, it's very cool, I can't wait to get this fucking thing, the metal shirt is in, go get it, and the restock is in, you it and the restock is in you got restocks they're in

we got no cuda shirts they're in we've got metal shirts they're in you can get metal shirts they're in subscribe rate and review the show, please. Do all this shit, man. Tweet me at congratspod

or use the hashtag congratulationspod. Hope you're enjoying the video episodes on YouTube. Video episodes go up on Tuesdays or Wednesdays. Upcoming shows. Buy tickets on crystalia.com, crystalia.com, Columbus, Ohio, Irvine, California, San Jose, California, Riverside on New Year's Eve, Riverside, California, Winnipeg.

I added a second show. That's going. The first one sold out immediately. Calgary. Few tickets left. Man on Fire, my special on Netflix. Watch it, re-watch it, like it, and thank you for listening. And remember, I don't know thank you for listening. And remember.

I don't know. Just, you know, remember. See you guys later. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations, motherfucking Congratulations, motherfucker.

Five years. Big motherfucker. Motherfucker. Right in the motherfucking mouth, motherfucker.