Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 411. Knocking Dingers

Episode Date: November 7, 2024

😮 Holler price drop! Get a shoutout on Congratulations for $40 for the next week: holler.baby/chrisdelia 🎤 MY SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is here: chrisdelia.com/god 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. This week we've got the World Series Champion Los Angeles Dodgers, meeting people while driving, trick or treating, and saying no to Sweetgreens. Plus no election discussion! Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram, X, and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/chrisdelialive 𝕏 X: x.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

RUNK! North Bay Ontario, Sudbury Ontario and Toronto Ontario this weekend, this weekend. Toronto and Meridian Hall, Saturday November 9th Toronto. Crystalia will be there with his tour, his critically acclaimed tour straight out of the multiverse. Crystalia and then Biz, Biz, Biz Mark, Biz Mark, North Dakota, November 15th, Sioux Falls the night after that. For some reason, South Dakota, Wiser, North Dakota and South Dakota, there should just be Dakota.

And then I will be Crystal Leah. Whoops, sorry, it's not me. Chris Lee will be in Irvine, California, Irvine, California, November 27th, and then Brea, California in December. And then, you know, just go, go chrisleah.com. Get tick, tick, tick. It's nice. And without further ado, episode four, four, 11, 4, 11 of congratulations.

I'm just reminded to shout out to Rob Hey for reminding me about that on the super good edits Instagram. I used to do my dates like that. Dude, that is, I'm reminded of how annoying that is that radio DJs and radios do that. It's also the radio. Well, I guess SiriusXM still kind of does it. Right. They'll still do that kind of stuff, but nothing beats like the straight up dial. Where you go? In the news and then here at KKK rock K rock K rock saying KKK so here at KKK rock what what white supremacy white white supremacy burning crosses burning crosses on your lawn if you're a shade darker and so yeah we start off with a bang so but anyway K rock and all

that stuff did that and it's just just like, you know, here, here, here we go. All right. Kale, Kale OS, Kale, Kale OS. Um, anyway, uh, we probably got demonetized for that, but it's okay. The Dodgers win, the Dodgers win, the Dodgers win, the Dodgers win. Go Doyers, man. And, uh, and it's lit and I've watched the World Series okay and I watched it in my in my new home that we are we've been there for two months it's

still I'm getting so I mean we are basically everything is being like well not everything there's a lot of work being done in the house, okay? And we're making it our house, right? We bought it and then we're doing what we're doing to it. And there's just like dust everywhere and shit. We're all for sure getting cans. And so we have this one TV that is a it's like an LG TV

which is by the way life's good is the stupidest name for for it's like you know guys definitely divorced and so guy who, um, so we got this LG TV that's like this thing that you just bring around with you and it's, yeah, it's about a hundred pounds. It's so fucking heavy, but, uh, not for me. And it's, uh, hard. It's, by the side, besides the fact that it's heavy, it's awkward. Those are the worst things to carry. And Kristen's always telling me to move something,

not necessarily heavy, but awkward. And I cannot stand it. Can you get the chair? And I look and it's like a chair that like was the first chair that was made when a king, when the first king was appointed somewhere. And I'm like, that's it's, it's, it's, it's 30 pounds at the base and 755 pounds on the top back of it.

So what, what, what's up, man? I'm just going to rupture discs. And so it's one of those things you pick up and you just go hold on hold on oh and so that's what this TV is like the LG the life's good TV that's such a bad brand name you know shout out to life's good so LG and so we move it around the house from room to room because we don't have the TVs in it yet. And, uh, I, I, I watched, I watched now. My wife loves sports. Uh, and she, there's any sports.

She's just like, like, it's like, it's like, it's like, you know, sugar for kids to her, she like how kids are just like, it's candy, I'll eat it. And you're like, well, this is not a candy you've had before. And they're like, doesn't matter. I want it. Like my son is just Calvin, Billy will see, but Calvin is just, is it candy?

Is it processed? They made it in a lab? I'll have it, come on. And so what color is it? Pink, hot pink? Give it to me. Is it, the consistency is like the bottom of a shoe if you leave it in the sun too long? Put it in my... put it in my body... put it in my body in my mouth. And so...

Yeah, like you had Swedish fish the other night. Oh, I got a whole lot. We were talking about Halloween, but anyway. So I'm watching we would talk about Halloween, but anyway. So I'm watching the Dodgers because she just puts it on because she, and every time she puts on a thing about sports, she can't not say, I love, see, this is why I love sports. And I'm just like, I know why you love sports, okay? Also, she never expands on that. See, this is why, and I'm, I don't even want to get into it.

I'm like, yeah, still in my head, you know? Oh yeah, that's why she loves it. And I just, we watched a game and then she was like not, she was like other places for the rest of the games. I don't remember what she was doing, but I just turned it on for because I wanted to which is the first time I've ever Turned on sports in

Years and I mean decades and I and I watched the Dodgers play the Yanks and I Was rooting dude like I was like Oh yeah, here comes Freddie Freeman. That's his name. Here he comes. Hopefully he hits a home run. So his Achilles ankle doesn't, he doesn't have to run and bruise it more. And I'm just like, um, rooting and I'm having more fun than I had more, I'm

more fun watching sports than I had in decades. And I'm with, I watch it with only Billy, I feel like a few games. And it was just so fun, dude. And I was rooting and happy and jumping and I go, and I'm like, man, I'm just kind of a sports guy, man. I won't watch it ever again. But, um, the Dodgers won. Shout out to the Dodgers. Shout out to Freddie Freeman.

That was cool, man. The guy kept knocking dingers, dude. And, uh, that's cool, man. That's cool. Uh, I, I, you know, the city was going and then, and then the city, dude, I, I celebrations for sporting events should legitimately be two hours after the event and then you don't do it anymore. And it is absolutely outlawed after that. It is you go to jail.

You get two hours to party up and almost like the like the purge you can do anything almost anything you can't i mean you can kill someone but but only out of excitement not premeditative you know you can't be like okay finally the dodgers won we get that rule so i'm gonna go kill that person that slept with my wife you don't get to do that. But if you're like like the guy who Lit the did you see the dude who blew his hands up? Oh That guy gets no repercussions no fines pretty much his repercussions is now got no hands and Bro, oh my god. That was a harrowing. I saw that video

I don't watch videos like that, but somebody sent it to me and I go, and I'm just like, you know what, let me just take a, and I watched different angles and stuff, just like, I kept looking, you know? And the guy, he was just, his, it looked like AI, dude, his hands just blew up. That would suck you know and so you get to do that for two hours and then like if you do that the next day like they lit a bus on fire if it's outside that window you've they've got to throw you onto that bus that's burning I just think it's you you know, be excited for a little bit and then move on.

Go to work and then be sad again because of the mundane, mundane, mundane, banality of life. Yes, got out of that one. And so, um, anyway, I, I just, uh, I, I don't know. Uh, I was number one draft pick when I was, uh, 12 in little league. So go yeet yourselves. Um, yeah. Fucking crushed baseballs. Um, I, uh, was at Arowan yesterday. Actually two things. Well, no,

this one isn't that interesting, but I'll, I'll, let me put this as the appetizer and then I will give you the main course. I saw a rapper. No, here's the deal. Here's how racist I am. Okay. And I don't, you know, I don't want to be racist. Okay.

But sometimes you don't, you don't mean to be all right. And then it turns out, let me just tell the story. Okay. So I'm at Erewhon and there's a guy before me and he's ordering food. Okay. The guy's black. He's got a lot of tattoos wearing a lot of really expensive jewelry. He's got an AP on his wrist, you know, it's gold and then just like diamonds on his

neck and, you know, dreadlock, dreadlock kind of stuff. I don't really know. And I'm like, okay, oh shit, this guy's got a lot of money. And he's, and then I'm like, I feel kind of weird. And I'm like, why do I feel weird? Because I'm not usually at, maybe it's just cause I'm not usually at Erewhon at this time, right?

You ever go to a place that you don't... that you go to a lot at a different time, and you're just like, ah, dude, I don't... This isn't right. It was like that. So maybe it was just that. Okay? And so I'm like...

But then I realized, no, it's not just that. It's... It's that there's two other really big dudes dressed in all black that are hovering about, you know, 20 feet from me and this guy. Now I'm not with this guy who's iced out. Obviously I'm next in line. But I almost said, Hey, nice watch bro. But I didn't. And then I'm like, Oh, these guys are bodyguards. So, okay. So I'm like, wow, this guy must be a very famous person. Right?

Because if you get body, look, let's face it, man. Look, I've, I've gotten, I have gotten bodyguards before in certain situations. But if you're just walking around Erewhon, Erewhon with bodyguards and you're me, you're an asshole. You know what I'm saying? So I'm like, well, I don't know who this guy is, but he's got bodyguards? How is that possible? So I'm like, I am 44.

This guy might be 30. You know, maybe he speaks to the kids and I'm like, that's crazy So I walk out so I see a tattoo on the back of his tricep and it says make millions and I'm like Okay. Now it's not even nicely done. It just says, make millions. Like, I did it. Like, it's like not even, doesn't even look like by a tattoo artist. It looks like he was like said to somebody who featured for him, yo man, you might write, you might write in make millions on my tricep. And the guy was like, bet. And then he just did it. And he's like, cool, let's go to Arowon and so it

says make millions on the back of his tricycle and as I leave the place okay this this girl comes up to me and says hey can I have a picture with you my mom and I love you and that guy saw it yes I won won! And so it's fine, no one asked him, but it's all good. So I'm like, I need bodyguards, dude, right? Yes, I won the fame competition, but anyway, it's fine, dude. Also, we were in Calabasas, and that's probably more my demo than his, but whatever, it doesn't matter.

So I get in the car and without a thought I just Google rapper oh and I saw I saw he had a I got in a car that was dope it was like Matt Gray charcoal and like the bodyguards got in there with him and and and the license plate was Georgia. So I'm like I get in my car and I just, without even thinking, grab my phone and Google rapper from Atlanta with make millions tattoo. Racist, dude! No one said he was a rapper.

Guess what, guess what I can't do? Find out who it is For like 10 minutes, I'm like Rapper with make millions. Maybe I could Rapper with from all right rapper from Georgia with make millions. I I try that and then I'm like, oh Yeah like 11 minutes in I think oh Yeah This guy could be anything. I'm racist. And

then I'm like, I mean I guess it could be, he's not fit enough to be a ballplayer racist. But then I'm like, if he doesn't, he's not an actor do you look too specific you know like so much I like that it'd be like he's just like let me just like the second lead on NCIS he's just like yo man just on a computer just like way ahead of you dog way ahead of you, bruh. I picked up, yo, I found a perp. The eye in the sky picked it up, dog. That's a line for him. Meh.

Right there. They write it in. NCIS, Scott Bakula. Did you get the perp? Fucking this guy in NCIS, Scott Bakula. Did you get the perp? Fucking this guy in NCIS. His line. And so, meh. I ain't running to get him. Fuck that. You know what I mean? Just like... Anyway, dude, so I'm Googling, and I I'm Googling for a while and I'm like,

Oh yeah, he could be anything. But then I'm like, why does he have bodyguards? But so I'm like, nah, he's a fucking rapper though, dude. I don't even care if that's racist. He's a rapper and he just had that feel. And then I Googled Gunna. Just cause. And lo and behold, it was Gunna.

So we got it. It was Gunna and thank you Google. And dude, uh, I was at Arrow, Arrow one with Gunna and dude, um, it was lit, dude, man. You know, I mean, wena and dude, it was lit, man. I mean, we were lit. Wasn't he in jail? Well, he was fat, right? And then he just like all of a sudden trimmed up. He started running on the treadmill.

I think he was in jail and then, uh, leaned out. And then he got, uh, uh, man, that guy dressed so he used to dress so bad. He just looked all right. Gunna. G-U-N-N-A. Okay. So I saw him and that was the appetizer because nothing really happened in that story, except for it exposed my racism. Okay, so I saw him and that was the appetizer because nothing really happened in that story except for it exposed my racism.

Now I'm driving today. I'm at Sweet Greens. First of all, I go to Sweet Greens every now and then, but I don't go too much because it's one of those places and you know exactly what the fuck I'm talking about. If you go too much it sucks so bad but if you don't go a lot it's an absolute banger. This is the shit I think about by the way, all right? Sweet greens if you go once every 10 days, Mwah! Chef's kiss kiss if you go twice a week Vomit why are places like that? I don't know I didn't create the places. I'm not Jesus Christ

So So I'm at sweet greens and I go to Sweet Greens, I pick up Calvin from school and I say, hey bud, I'm gonna go to Sweet Greens. You wanna go or you want me to drop you off at home first? And he says, I do not like Sweet Greens. And I said, okay, I could drop you off first. He says, if you do go to Sweet Greens, one thing, do not get me anything.

I do not like it. And I'm like, all right, it doesn't have to be like that. I could also get you something and then you don't eat it and that's fine. He acts like, if that happens, a tsunami will encapsulate us, right? Encompass, should have said it. Should have said encompass.

But, so I'm like, okay. So we get to my house, I drop him off, I let him out of the car, he runs in in the in the house. I'm watching him running and then I get he gets in that he opens the door and he looks back at me and I said all right buddy I'll see you a little bit I'm going opens the door and he looks back at me. And I said, all right, buddy, I'll see you in a little bit. I'm going to Sweet Greens. And he says, remember, do not get me anything. Okay. So I'm like, yeah, yeah, okay.

You know, I won't. But then I, I was having fun with it. And I was like, you know what, Cal, I'll just get you a bowl. And he was like, no, I do not like Sweet Greens. Do not get me Sweet Greens. I'm like, all right, buddy, I won't, you a bowl." And he was like, no, I do not like sweet greens. Do not get me sweet greens. I'm like, all right, buddy, I won't, you know, I won't. So I drive, I leave away.

I drive away, I leave. I go to sweet greens. I get out of the car and dude, this shit pissed me off to infinity. I get out of the car and I did the thing where the fucking, I had slanty pockets and the keys went in the thing. And then it was one of those, the keys went in the, they fell in the seat. And then there were like five people that arrived at the same time and I would have been first

But because I had to look for the key in the side. I was last so I was at sweet great for 30 minutes And so I should have been five So And so it should have been five. So, wow, it was, it was actually a debacle, the whole thing. Cause I was there and I was like, yeah, I'll get the miso salmon bowl. And she was like, okay, great as is. And I said, yup. And then she still went on the whole down the line saying, and do you want this? And I said, I, in my head, I'm like, I said, as is.

Yeah, just as is. And I just kept saying said yeah just as is and I just kept saying yeah as is yeah and would you like the fucking pickled onions yeah as is and now it's just as shit like would you like the crunchy shit and I go and I don't want it but I'm like well I already said as is, and I got an attitude here. So I got to eat it. Dude, the, the shit that goes on in your own head that doesn't need to is amazing. So, um, so now, uh, I get the sweet greens and I, I, I get home and this is, the story wasn't even supposed to be about the sweet greens but this is what happened alright so and so something happened so I get home and Calvin said no you know what let me tell it this way I get in the car I leave with my sweet greens okay I'm at the stoplight I pull

up next to a guy with his window open. Now my window's open too. Now whoops, right? Okay, whether you like it or not, people know who I am. Okay, so if I, so and I know this, all right, and if I pull up next to somebody with their window open and my window's open, whoops for me. Okay, because sometimes that person will be like, Hey, and whoops for me. Okay. And that's fine. But here's why whoops can't I'm at the mercy of the stoplight. Right.

I can't be like, anyway, sometimes it stops the conversation. So I was like, okay. Oh, thanks dude. Yeah. Oh good. Oh really? Oh great. And then you're just sitting...sitting there and...

...and you can't roll off the window because it's basically like saying, I fucked your wife. So you just gotta shit there and be weird. And um... So the guy, the guy says, Hey! You ever at the clubs in LA? Which is fine, which is fine.

I don't, yeah, you know, all good. And I said, oh, yeah. And he said, yeah. What's the best night to go to, like, you know, the comedy store if I want to go see comedians that are in town working on material and not necessarily their honed stuff and I'm like, Oh, are we in a meeting? Or are you driving by?

But I take it into account, I I'm like that's actually a good question it's a good question because the normal person who doesn't do stand-up might not know that so I fire back with the answer dude because I know it and it's Tuesday because the people come home from the road either Sunday or Monday and then they'll pop in on Tuesday if they're trying to work some shit out. And then go back out Thursday or Friday and sometimes even Wednesday. Tuesday. So I say Tuesday and sometimes Wednesday, actually. And he says, oh cool. All good, right? But no.

Omni deep in an oopsie. So the guy says, saw Whitney Cummings there recently. Man, is she a professor. And I'm thinking, oh, this is directed by David Lynch. Because I don't know really what's happening. And I'm like, does this guy know my history? Or like, does he know I used to be friends with her or whatever the fuck?

And I'm like, professor? And he said, yeah, man. So I say, oh yeah. I just was, I just said, yeah, she sure is. Because I want to be out of this conversation, right? And the guy says, man, yeah. I said, oh, cool, man, cool. And then he said, yeah.

Dude, I mean, this is the next thing he said. She reads a lot. And I said, oh cool. And he said, yeah man, I mean she just reads a lot. And I said, okay dude, by the way still, you know, windows open. I said, and so now I'm like, where else can this go? Turn green, turn green, turn green, turn green. Then the guy says, do you read? I swear to God, this is all true. And I looked at him and I said, what? And he said, you know, do you read a lot? Do you like go to the, I swear to God he said, do you like go to the library and check out books and stuff? Oh, Guy! I just looked at him and not rudely, but I said, nah.

Hey Guy! You driving by? Hey Guy! We're in the middle of the street in different cars. Hey, Guy! Who are you? So I say, nah, not really. Oh, yeah, you don't read a lot?

And I said, nah, not really. I don't go to the library and check out books. And then he says, but you write a lot, huh? And when he says that, he goes like this, but you write a lot, huh? Like this. And I'm like, that's not that much. But I go, yeah, I'm always working on stuff, you know? And he says, oh man. know and he says, oh man. The next thing out of his mouth is, you know what a social worker is? And he asks the question and look look, the question's fine.

It's not a weird question. It's kind of a weird question to ask a 44 year old man because I should know what a social worker is, and I do. But it's absolutely the weirdest time to ask somebody the question, do you know what a social worker is? Right? Because, hey dude, you're in one lane and I'm in the other. All right.

And so I say, yeah. And he says, I'm a social worker. And I said, oh cool. He says, and I think laughter is the best medicine. So keep doing what you do, man. And I, that's when a light bulb went off and I went, oh, autism. Because this is absolutely bonkers. And, and, and I drove away.

That was when it turned green. And David Lynch had cut. And dude, it was just That was phenomenal I drive I get home and then I get home and then I Show up and I'm I pull out the food for everybody at the house. It's like four people at the house. I Pull out mine I start eating mine and I just fucking, chef's kiss because I haven't had it in about two weeks, not twice a week would make me vomit.

So Calvin walks into the room and he says, dad, did you get me anything? And I'm like, oh, now I gotta feel bad because I didn't get him something. And he's like, did you get me anything? And he's just four, so he forgot he doesn't like the place. And I'm a fucking idiot for not getting him something. But then I'm like, then why did he try to sell me so hard on not getting him getting him something. It's kind of his fault, but then like he's for nothing says fault

So it's kind of my fault. I should've gotten like bread or something and I said, oh buddy You told me not to get you anything because you said you didn't want it and he said Yep, good because that's what I don't like because that's what I don't like. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Dude, and I was like, wow, that's amazing. Good, yup, good, because that's what I don't like. Like, just checking in that I brought no sweet greens near him, for him, near him, for him, to the house.

What if, yeah, I got you a bowl, actually. He would have been mad, and you know what? I would have been proud of him to be house. What if, yeah, I got you a bowl actually. He would have been mad. And you know what? I would have been proud of him to be mad. That's so awesome to have such strong opinions as a four year old. Fuck yeah, man. Um, I wonder what he's going to stop actually watching the, I wonder what he's gonna stop actually watching the... I watch those YouTube videos of, oh, you know, I don't watch them.

I watch them because they're on, but they're for kids, you know, and it's just YouTube. They'll be like 18, nah, fuck 18 million. They'll be like a hundred million views on a cartoon that you've never even heard of or seen, and then you'll click it, and it's always like some kind of song. And the lyrics are always like super specific and weird. And it's always about like either learning something or health, right?

At least that's what my algorithm does. It'll be like a fish at the doctor's and it'll just be like a song like, hello, I need the doctor, hello, I need the doctor. And then like the doctor will come in and it's like a fucking fox and it's like, what seems to be the problem? You come here to get a diagnosis and you're just like,

and you're like, what the fuck? What the fuck is this? YouTube is like amazing and amazingly shitty. Like what is happening? Nobody should ever see this. Why is a fox talking to a fish in a doctor's office? And why are they singing about diagnosis? Like, I have a red rash. And then you realize, oh yeah, a Russian guy made it and they just straight up AI'd it into English. It's so funny.

It's so funny, dude. I come to the psychiatrist to talk about the issues and Calvin just sitting watching eating Funyuns you know um on our LG TV that we move around because we don't have TV yet Do you have TV yet? No, I don't even, no, no, no, no, no, we're well beyond that. We used to have the TV on the coffee table. We took the TV off and now we just have the LG TV.

That's not the LG TV. The LG TV's this big. So, yeah, the white thing. So, I, so now, Yeah, the white thing. So, I, so now, oh man, Christo, I took a nap. I took a nap today, dude. It just caught me the fuck off guard. Like somebody knocked me out.

You know, when you're just like, ah, just lay here for a little bit. All of a sudden it's four. You go, what is it? Is it earth? And I walked downstairs and Kristen was painting the stairs because that's who I married. And so, um, married and so and the she's watching you know the 48 hours on the LG TV just and that was when we brought him in and we and we started to come confess to the we had we were cross-examining and that I walk out and I'm she's painting the stairs and I'm just like what what is it? What is that?

What is that? She's like, oh, I think I'm going to paint it the same color as the wood. It kind of looks cool like this. And I said, oh, what color is that? And she's just like, dead salmon. And I'm like, what? That's what they call it. The names, like I understand colors gotta be, there's a lot of colors, there's different they call it. The fucking names. Like I understand colors gotta be,

there's a lot of colors, there's different shades and hues. Like she'll paint the whole wall the same color and it's a different color, I guess. And it's not white, it's soft chamois. And you're like, go fuck yourself. Dude, Sherwin Williams or whatever you are. The names of the things are, are, are unforgivable. Actually the names of the, uh, uh, paint names, just look at some of these dead salmon, dude.

Color, uh, color, color names, paint color names. Explore over. Explore over... Explore, here we go, here's Pinterest. You know how we like Pinterest. Um... Oh wow, this is... Pinterest fucking sucks. This is too much.

Come on. These are just pictures of shit I don't want. Paint colors. Look at this shit. Every website I go on now is like a thing, a prompt comes up. Hi, I'm Betty. Chat with me to find your perfect color. You're not Betty, you know? If you wanted to make it real and like you weren't AI, you would have picked a name that people have fucking used in the last three decades. Hi, I'm Blanche.

Here to help. It's Blanche and Jebediah. Ask us anything. mention Jebediah, ask us anything. So look at this red colors. Look at this color by family. So there's red, there's orange, there's yellow red, 602 colors. Go fuck yourself. Orange, 518 colors. Go fuck yourself.

Yellow, 240 yellows. You know how shitty yellow is? Have four of them. Bright, dark, banana and neon. And don't use any of them for your home. Green, there's 619 greens. I would guess that there were the most greens because you know why? Women love green and they beyond that, they love to say they love green. It's the safest color to love as a woman because it's not pink. It's not typical. You're not going against the grain and being like, I like dude colors.

You're playing it safe and you're saying green and it's probably a forest green. Okay. Blue, 409 blues. I would think more than that. Gray, forget it. There's just, I don't even say how many there are. There's infinite grays.

Neutral, wow, 796. Let's just look at the neutral colors just to get pissed off. Look at this. Look at this. They got to call it something though. Oh, wow. Oh wow. Oh wow, dude. The first one, White-winged Dove.

Oh shit, all over. Lilac Hush. There's Whipped Mocha, and then there's Frosted toffee. Now I'm just hungry. Driftwood okay. Look at this. Coachman's cape. Fucking worst superhero. Clinton Brown, a lawyer in the 80s.

I mean these rural earth. A movie that would win Sundance in 2001 wow rural earth starring a woman that made three movies and then did one with Ethan Hawke and you never saw her again Uh, anyway, I didn't know enough of that. Halloween was dope. Halloween was maybe I've had some good, I've had some good Halloween's. I don't, I'm not a guy for Halloween though. Um, Halloween isn't really my holiday.

If I had to pick what my holiday is, it would probably be Kwanzaa, but I, no, it would probably be Christmas. I love Christmas. Yeah. Anyway, we did it as a family and Calvin wanted to be Minecraft. And we were like, well, who do you want to be? And he was like, Steve, that's the lead guy in Minecraft.

So I'm like, well, that's a blue shirt and purple pants. Like what? How can we? That's not a shirt and purple pants. Like what, how can we, that's not a costume really. I mean, but also kind of easy. So cool. And then Christian was like, I got this. And for two days made a Steve costume that is like boxy and looks like the pixels and shit. Like she used cardboard and felt and went to Michael's three times and then drove back. I think Michael's is just the guy she's having an affair with.

I don't even know. Like it's just, and, uh, a helmet that looks like block hair. It's hilarious. It's hilarious. It's hilarious looking and she killed it. But it wasn't enough because we got all do it. So she dressed us up as PlayStation controllers and I'm like what? And then Billy was a creeper from Minecraft so she made the green blocky outfit for him.

Bro it's hysterical. Okay. And, uh, you know, when you're a kid and you're in the costume, you're not like, I'm dressing up as the guy. You're like, I'm fucking Batman. If, if shit goes down, I'll save. You know, you're not, you're not, you're not like, you know, and even though you got the, you know, cause it's cold. So you got like either thermal under the costume that Batman doesn't really have,

or you've got a starter jacket over the fucking, you know? And, and so, but yeah, my son was just like, I'm Steve, and he was just walking around like Minecraft. And then we go to the, where we meet the people, the friends, and then we go trick or treat. And Billy was on one, man. Billy was just walking around.

But Calvin got, we probably hit six houses, and he couldn't believe that we had this bag of candy. It's like, he's had conscious Halloween's before, but this one is like, he's four. He's, he's in it, you know? So he got, we, we hit six houses and they, one of them, the kids were coming out. They're like, they got the king size, get in there. And he went in and he got like a king size Hershey's. And after that, he was like,

I want to eat these. And I was like, well, we're still trick or treating, we can eat them when we get home. And he was like, okay, let's go home. And I was like, well, you don't want to keep going? And he was like, no, let's go home. I said, okay, just so you know, we can go trick or treating, get more candy, or we can just go home. I said, okay, just so you know, we can go trick or treat,

get more candy, or we can just go home right now and eat the candy that you have. And he says, yeah, immediately, he's like, go home. What are we talking about here? I'm like, okay, we went home, and he just ate like so much candy. And it was hilarious because it was all like an hour and I was like, dude, that's how it is.

That's how it's good. That's how to do it. When I was a kid, I would hit no less than 50 houses. I think there were new houses made for that night because I would, I'm like, what's this one? Who's here? Ding dong mounds. What's this one next to this one?

Oh yeah, this is that weird girl in school's house. Ding dong, a hundred grand. Milton Pethicus' house used to give out apples for fuck's sake, dude. And one time, he did ROTC though. He was a, after that he did ROTC. And he's, what the fuck is he now? One time, I'll never forget this, but he was on a skateboard and he went by

and I had a whoopee cushion and I just went, and I did it and we laughed. And then he didn't laugh, but he was like, me and my friends laughed and we went to my, him to my house. And then the next day he saw me, he said, Hey Chris, I forgot to beat you up yesterday because of the whoopee cushion thing.

And then ran at me and tackled me and started fighting me. I forgot to beat you up. Like he's in bed at night. He's like, oh, fuck. Dude, my mistake. So it's not Halloween anymore. Um, that's cool. I guess that, uh, things did get scared during Halloween is like cool, but then it's like, yo, it makes your kids like scared.

So it's for kids, but also it makes it's it's for kids and sluts. Obviously Halloween, right? For some reason, sluts had to like get in there. They finagled their way in. It's for us too. Actually look at my, look at, look. Look. I'm a, I'm a, I'm a sexy photographer from the 19, from the 19, I'm a, I'm a sexy archeologist. And you're just like, what?

Dude, if archeologists dressed like that, they would have found nothing except pussy. Found it! Oh, oh man, I'm tired. Fuck these dinosaurs. Sup. How did sluts finagle their way in? It's because we're such idiots, dude. Guys don't give a fuck. Guys are so dumb when it comes to that. Guys don't give a fuck. Guys are so dumb when it comes to that. So anyway, but now Calvin is like, you know,

he's at the age where he's scared of things that aren't scary. You're just like, what? Like it would be fine if for me, not, it is fine, but it's, it would be fine if for me, not it is fine, but it's, it would be understanding if, if, if, if I would understand it if I was like, he's like, dad, I'm scared. And I'm like, of what? And he's like a demon with black, dark eyes, the, the, the color of, you know, Clinton Brown or whatever the fuck that

color was for Sharon Williams, the color of a black, like, you know, the very depths of, from the very depths of hell. And he has wings, so he's airborne, and he could get you any time. But it's not, it's like, he's like, dad. And I'm like, what, what are you scared of? And he's like, a cheeseburger, it could eat me. I swear is what he said. And I'm like, what, what are you scared of? And he's like, a cheeseburger that could eat me. I swear is what he said.

And I'm like, what? And he was like, what? I saw a big cheeseburger that could eat me. And it sounds like I'm making it up, I'm not. And then I'm like, buddy, you eat cheeseburgers. Cheeseburgers don't eat you. And he's like, no, what about that song, hamburger cheeseburger, Big mac whopper?

And I'm like, what fucking song? He's like, what about hamburger, big cheeseburger, big mac whopper? And I'm like, do you know what a big mac and whopper is? And he's like, no. And I'm like, then why are you scared of it? But we do fear what we don't know. So now I'm like Googling big mac and whopper and I'm like trying to show them what it is. I'm like look this is from Burger King, this is from McDonald's, you know you like to go to McDonald's? The Big Mac has

got the thing in it, and it's got the burger and then the lettuce and the sauce and then the Burger King, this is that. And then he says he says to me, who's the Burger King? And I'm like, oh it's that fucking mascot. They kind of look scary. I'm just gonna, so I look at him, look at him like it's not a real guy because if I show him the Burger King at 930 at night while he's in bed he's gonna be scared of the fucking Burger King and then I turn on the Burger King commercial he's like what's that and he says BK have it your way it's good and now that's been stuck in my head for two weeks and then I'm like he and then he says who sings sings that? And then I'm like, oh you know who

actually sings that? It's Craig Robinson. And so I'm like, oh you know who actually sings that? Dad's friend. And he's like, really? And I'm like, yeah. So now I'm like, this is cool, man. You don't have to be scared of it. Dad's friend singing the thing. And so I leave and he's like running into my room talking about cheeseburgers and shit. We got a monster away spray, which I thought would never work. It's a cure. Dude, him going to bed, walking down the hallway. Saw a cheeseburger.

Saw, I just had to spray because the cheeseburger, this is the shit he's saying to me. Oh, good night. Don't spray it too much, because it smells a little bit, can't just be water, even though it could just be water, they gotta make it something so it smells like shit, so I'm like, I'm fuckin', now I smell like some version of lavender,

and it's just too much. My wife is like, it's really nice, actually, and I'm just like, I don't wanna be smelling too many smells here, just, I wanna smell my, you know what I wanna smell? House, my house. So he's just spraying away the monsters and he just goes to sleep.

It's been five nights since Halloween and the kid is just sleeping like he's a 50 year old now. To think of him in bed just is the most adorable thing anyway. I don't know anymore. I don't even know what's been happening in the world. I just see all the news and I'm just staying out of it I just see all the news and I'm just staying out of it because I don't, I don't, I don't,

I'm not political and that's that. I, you know, you know what's weird is, like I saw a guy today and vote for whoever you want to, truly, this is not, I don't judge, I really don't. Like, I don't know enough. But I saw a guy today with the, I put it on my Instagram story, but I saw it, he had a big, big truck, a big white truck, and he had on, it had, it probably had, honestly,

I would say 12 flags on it and big ones. Okay? Like big, big ones. And they all said the same thing. It was, they all said, you know, Trump 2024 or, uh, one of the flags was him standing up with the blood on his face and the secret service, like protecting him when he got shot in the ear, you know? Uh, and then he had little flags that said Trump on the front and, and, and then one of the flags was so big that he had to have two

suction cup things on the side of his door to hold it. Right. Like, like, like they were hands. And I mean, it was like, I mean, they had a sale on, on flags, you know, the guy, and it was so big and, and like, and then I'm like, yo, you want to vote for Trump yet vote for Trump. And then I'm like, but you're, what are you, but what are you doing to your car? Hey, dude, I mean, pretty much if you put a bumper sticker on your car, you're a dickhead,

right? It doesn't matter what it is about. Period. You could put a fish bumper sticker on it. You could put that, you know, you could put a baby on board is maybe the only acceptable one. So people drive carefully around you. But like honk if you love Jesus, you dickhead. On up and then you just got like 12 big flags, flags that you like not, you know what I'm saying? And I'm like, what is this guy?

What does this guy do after the, the, the, the six or what was the election day? The fifth, sixth, fifth after the fifth, what do you, Hey, if he wins, cool. Keep riding around for a week or two. If he doesn't, I guess you get to keep it on or whatever. I don't know, dude. It's just real odd to put anything on your car like that. To put anything on your, when did. To put anything on your car. When did it become the norm for people to be like their identity, whether you're right or left?

I'm not getting political, but I... Let's do some hollers here. Happy birthday Aiden from Nick and Liam. There you go. Uh, stonefruitroasting.com offers high quality specialty coffee that can be delivered nationwide order today at stonefruitroasting.com stream Marcus J music, wherever you listen to music or check out the Marcus J show, wherever you listen to podcasts, he's a true baby bringing wood for the cabin. Amazing.

Go to holler.baby slash Chris Lee. podcast, he's a true baby, bringing wood for the cabin, amazing. Go to holler.baby slash chrisley if you want to purchase a shout out or mini ad on this podcast. What's up with this here? So the Menendez brothers have wives? They married in prison. Man. Man, like, this is no hate or anything, but only a woman would marry someone in prison, you know?

Oh, I don't have to fuck him? I do. Get on, you know. How do you, on Zoom, you could just get married after you watch fucking, you know, some Adam Sandler movie. There was a thing on Reddit that was like, man, how are the wives taking this? Think about this. Usually people who marry incarcerated spouses do so because subconsciously or not, they have this great sense of freedom and still ability to marry.

Imagine that, dude. What a funny, I bet I could make that a funny bit, dude. Just imagine you show up and you're just like, honey, I'm home. And that's what you're, and finally, oh my God, I'm so happy. Hey, divorce city. It's like that guy from Shawshank Redemption that got out finally and then killed himself. He just yeeted himself into oblivion because he was just like, I liked it better on the inside.

That's what these wives are going to do. More importantly, the bigger challenge here is the man. They married, came with stipulations of being incarcerated forever and they didn't have to take on any real world marriage duties. Telephonically available. I don't think that would cut it for my wife. Look at this. Opinion is if you're married, my opinion is if you're married into a lifestyle where you are waived all those wifely obligations, you don't have the skill level or motivation,

skill level, like they're crunching numbers, or motivation to be a meaningful guide to such a very sensitive, high valued, crucial challenge. Who is this guy? Skeletor? Uh, let's hope the family who seems to be in located throughout the country. What? No. Um, finds a way to be there for them first-handingly.

Uh, yeah. Man, I'll tell you what. Imagine you were in jail, got married. Wow. Look at their wives. So they've met them. They've been with them, I guess, conjugal visits and all that shit. But uh, wow. Um, so how could you do that, Marissa?

I'm in prison. I'll tell you what, if I was in jail, I'd be a fucking hot ticket for someone on the outside. But, yeah, I just imagine coming out, imagine them coming out and being like, sweetie, I love you. Also, I've only fucked eight people and seven were guys fucking me. So what I want just fucking every woman after that. Uhhhh.

Yeah. Wow. Anyway. Alright, well, look, guys. The election is over. Congratulations. And I'll be in Bismarck, Sioux Falls, Toronto, and I'm in Sudbury tonight, I think.

I have two shows there. That's it for YouTube. If you wanna watch the rest of the episode, go on over to Patreon, patreon.com slash Chris Leah, and I thank you for being a Patreon member. Honestly, I really do appreciate you you and I'm very grateful for Thanks for watching!