Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 414. The Neapolitan Mafia

Episode Date: November 28, 2024

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At New Balance, we believe if you run, you're a runner, however you choose to do it. Because when you're not worried about doing things the right way, you're free to discover your way. And that's what running's all about. Run your way at newbalance.com slash running. I am so dreading groceries this week. Why? You can skip it. Oh, what, just like that? Just like that.

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These are a bunch of, I got Denver, New York, Boston. Go to chrislea.com, the straight out of the Multiverse Tour. Get your tickets now. And right now it is episode 414 of Congratulations. So first of all, disclaimer, we have construction at the house. So if you hear drills, all good. Couldn't, what am I gonna do, dude? You gotta live life, you gotta do your thing. What can I do?

And I'm sorry if there's buzzing, but I don't think there will be. We tested it and we cannot hear it. But if you hear it, if you are a sonar, if you are a dolphin, if you are a dog, you know what I'm saying, and you can hear it, then my apologies go to you, but it's fine, it's fine. This shirt, let me, you know what?

There's something that is, this is what, I don't really understand stuff like this, all right? So I got this shirt probably seven years ago. I got this shirt probably seven years ago. And when I got it, I thought, all right, so this shirt is too big for me. Okay. But I'll wear it anyway, because it's kind of, first of all, this is like a medium, dude, all right? And I'm 6'2".

And my shoulders literally, like, they go, like I look like one of those nutcrackers, right? I got broad shoulders, right? And so this is a medium. And I'm like, all right, well, that's weird. What's the XL like? It must be, you must be swimming in it, fine, whatever. right? And so this is a medium and I'm like all right well that's weird what's the XL like it must be you must be swimming in it fine whatever I know that then the the style changed to where more baggy was in and okay and so I was

wearing this and I've been wearing it for seven years and the shirt was too big. Now I know that styles change I I know that fabric, I guess. I've never dried this shirt. Okay. I know if you dry a shirt, it gets, it gets smaller, but what's the deal? It like now it's like too small and my body composition hasn't changed that much. You know, I still am pretty much the same weight. It bothers me. If anything, you know, as you get older, your muscle goes away. So I'm like, how does this shirt, how is this shirt now too small? I don't understand it. I've never said these kinds of things out loud.

How do threads change so much? How does it change so much? You just like hang it up in your closet and your shirt goes, ah fuck that after six years just, nah you know what I'm gonna be a different shirt. It's crazy and it's the kind of stuff, it's the kind of hard-hitting issues that we talk about here in Congratulations. I know a lot of stuff's going on in the world but why do shirts change after like, I don't like it man, whatever. You know, it's not the end of the world.

I understand that, you know, there's a lot of worse stuff going on in the world, but this stuff is just like the hacky version of it is, all right, so where does the other sock go? Yeah, I understand. It's a hacky joke. A lot of comedians have done it in the 80s and 90s, but where does it go, dude? How long do you hold on to that sock in hopes to find the other sock how long I hold on to it dude I gotta stop doing that. I'm gonna actually throw it away as soon as I can't find another sock. That sucks gone

I watched this buy now documentary on Netflix. It's called buy now and it's like a one click. It shows the dark side. There's always a dark side, right? There's always a dark side. Everything that's great, they go, yeah, but and then years later they'll do a documentary. They'll be like, but the dark side actually.

And you just go, oh, there's a dark side. Nobody even thinks for themselves. They could be making up the good, they could be making up the bright side and the dark side. We don't know. But they're just like, Amazon's great. Because by the way, I watched this documentary. It showed Jeff Bezos, right?

That's his name, Jeff Bezos, early on in his career. And I know we were all dorks back in the 90s and stuff. But my God, dude, let's not forget these guys get money and they get they have a bit of a glow up. But let's not forget. Oh, yes. They still got that in them. They still got that dork in them like Like Elon Musk, okay, I get it.

He looks much better now than he did 15 years ago. But let's not forget, dude. Ain't it weird who becomes the guy, right? Like in high school, when we were in high school, the guy was the guy. That's it, he was the first guy. He was the guy that just scooped it up. Maybe he played the cross or football or something like that and you didn't and

he took your girl. Right. And he was the guy. And his name was like, you know, Seth or, uh, you know, whatever it was. Seth is a good one because that should be a dork name, but it's not sometimes, you know what I'm talking about? Um, what was another one of those names? Spencer, right? Should be a dork name. But if you flip it on its head and you get the the homie with it, dude, he's scooping it up, right? Oliver. There's another one.

Oliver should be a dork name. But when it's on the right guy, scooping it up. Spence, Oliver, Seth, watch out for these motherfuckers. They'll scoop them up. They're a trio of scooping it up. They're the Neapolitan of getting bitches. The Neapolitan ice cream of getting bitches. The Neapolitan mafia, dude. That's who they are. And so...

So then like you leave high school, those guys get fat and own like a print shop or or like a roundtable pizza. They're a manager at the roundtable pizza or whatever they coach fucking high school football and then then the dorks have their day and and they you realize that oh high school was just the dorks origin story. And yeah, they they you know, they become these, you get money and they glow up and yeah, they're still ugly as sin, but it done, Matt,

because women don't care about ugliness, dude. Sometimes I try to sit on my couch and literally just feel what it would feel like to be a woman. And I don't give a fuck, dude. It's not a trans thing. It's just me being like, what if I really valued safety? What if I just, I'll sit on the couch

and I'll just be like eating chips. You know, I'm not a chip guy, but I'll eat Tostitos. And I'm like, let's just think about safe. What if I needed safety and money and just comfort and what if I needed you know what what if I needed someone to listen right what if I just needed someone to listen and every now and then I go man having a guy might be nice but then I go like this oh but dude chicks so that's how much of an idiot I am so So, yeah, I don't know, man. You know, I think I think if I was a woman

and I was like 22 or 23, I'd probably go for like cool dudes who were like 26, 27. But, bro, if I was a 30 year old woman and single, I am going to become the biggest gold digger and I don't care. Hey, dude. Yeah. Are you a gold digger? Yes. OK, well, that's bad. All right. At least I'm honest about it. Are you a gold digger? Oh, yes.

And so that's on gold girls, driving me crazy. I can't take it no more. Fellas, sing it. So sexist, but all good, right? I don't, too much stuff has become sexism, I think. I was talking about this with my friend today and too much stuff has become sexism, right? Because also it's sexism if it's from a roly poly ugly dude, right? But if it's Brad Pitt up there doing it, it's not sexism.

It's a it's oh wow, he's kind of got charisma, doesn't he? Um, I don't know. I, but yeah, so anyway, I was watching the buy now thing and the Amazon is just like the dark side of Amazon, which is hilarious. Like plastic to the earth. We're done. Hey dude, we got to go to Mars.

Hey, we're done. Dude, toxins? All good. We're done. Wrap it up. Let's go to Mars. Hey Jupiter, where you at? Hey Pluto, huh?

Hey, it's cold, but let's go. Hey, hey, anus or whatever the fuck that one is. What is it? Uranus? Not anus, you know? Or scientist. And so, yeah, they, dude, they were smart, man. Amazon was just like, hey, here's what you do. One, in a magic world, what would be perfect?

And they go, if people wanted something, they could get it then. And they could eliminate the back off time. Like think about, I don't know what they called it, but they called it like this, some sort of, like the time you back out like the thing. Think about going to get something in 1990, right? If I need anything, nail clippers, OK, if I need nail clippers, all right.

I go in the 80s, I go like this shit, man, I need nail clippers. And then I go like this, shit, man, I need nail clippers. And then I go like this. Ah, I either I either am a lunatic and get up and go drive and get only nail clippers or I add it to the list. I go, you know what? Next time I go to the store that has nail clippers, I'm going to I'm going to get nail clippers, but I'm going to wait till I got to get some other shit, too. All right. And in the meantime.

You know, say you go a week later, or two days, three days later, you have two, three, four days later, of thinking about you like, you know what dude, either I don't really need nail clippers, or actually I have nail clippers. Scratch it off the list,

or you just get too tired, you go I'm not going to the store, and you wait till the next time you would go to the store, whatever. The point is Amazon was like, we, you gotta get in the car, you gotta get in the car, you gotta drive, you gotta go time you would go to the store, whatever. The point is Amazon was like, we you got to get in the car. You got to get in the car. You got to drive. You got to go. You got to pay for the Amazon is like, dude, in a magic world,

what if we could just get rid of that and have someone go, I want nail clippers. Boom. Got nail clippers. Now, in the 2000s, you'd be like, well, no way that's not going to happen. But it does happen. You click, you buy. And now people are getting all this extra shit that they don't want and don't need. And now what's that?

Toxins. Toxins for the Earth and that's fine. Look, I don't care. There's enough planets to go live on. We'll figure it out, right? People are talking about climate change and talking about, my wife said something the other day. She was like, they shouldn't call it climate change.

And I'm like, what? And she said, they should call it global poisoning change And I'm like what and she said they should call it global poisoning And I'm like what why she's like cuz then people will be afraid of it and I'm like, yeah, maybe you're right But she's like cuz if you're like poisoning the earth that you don't want to be a part of that But climate change like there's already four seasons and like it the weather changes and people are used to that. Nobody cares I was like, that's actually kind of smart. So let's call it global poisoning, but I don't also poison it. It's fine. We're going to be on Mars. You saw that lady who was like, Hey, uh, Elon,

I want you to nut all up in my womb and Mars. I want to have the first red planet, baby. That was a little crass. You know, I went a little crass there, but like he, you know, Hey, Elon, I want to be the first, I want to have the first red planet, baby. Nuts. Could you, what if it came out and it was just, you know, came out on a saucer? It's a, oh, I didn't see it. Um, I, uh, you know, I think it's a wild, uh, it's a wild, yeah, I didn't see it. Um, I, uh, you know, I think it's a wild, uh, it's a wild.

Yeah, I think it's because here's the thing. We always find a way, don't we? Right. We always find a way. The people that die die, though, right? Let's not forget that. I don't like when people are like, uh, you know, we persevered through these dark times and it's like the human race. Yeah, the human race did.

But the people who died died. They're not a rat. They didn't perceive. I don't like it when it's like, you know, when, you know, something will happen like 9-11 and they're like, but Americans, we got through it. Yeah, dude, the people that died, died, though they didn't. I if I if I I would get pissed off if I died, I would come back just to go to one of those fucking rallies to just go like this.

Not me. And then I'd go back to my grave. If I could just get that much life out of me for the rest of it. We should have that just like an extra hour after we die. You know what I'm saying? Like you know how in video games you got like, oh shit, well we got an extra life pack. This will be good for an hour even though you get bleeding out in some zombie game.

If we had that in real life, oh my God. I mean the only time it wouldn't work I guess is when you got real crumpled in a car accident and couldn't move anyway that Hour would be shitty, but like you just be like But like say you got shot in the abdomen and you die and you just get an hour and you get you just walk around You get to you know close up shop, but you know you have an extreme stomach ache But you still get the close-up shop you get to call people you could text them if you're in too much pain That would be the fucking shit dude come on, God, where you at? It's already

2024. Let's go, Jesus Christ. Come on, Buddha. Come on, whoever Jewish people believe in, I know nothing. Come on, Hindu religion, is that Buddha? I have no idea, dude. I'm dumb, dumb. But anyway, I don't know. I just... That would be... We should get that. We should get that, honestly. We should get that. I went to Coffee Bean. You know how I do it. Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. By the way, if you think, if you think for a second, dude, I write C Bean or CB TL or anything shorter than Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf in text messages. Hey dude, you don't know me.

I write Coffee Bean, Ampersandand tea leaf because that's how they wrote it and that's how I write it in the text messages dude and I'm gangster as fuck okay now oh Chris but that takes too long oh but Chris did you find a loophole oh but yeah I did thanks for asking Chris no problem you know what I did I go to the shortcuts and I write C B EN space and it smashes out to coffee bean ampersand tea leaf dude. He did it. He figured it out.

Now this is the fucking shit dude. Why do you? And it's so dope and I love it and I love doing it and people always are like why'd you type it out and I, you fucking plebeian. You know your shortcuts, man, I do. That shit makes me feel so good. I'm 44 and that makes me feel so, that's the kind of stuff that makes me feel so good.

The going to get coffee when you live in a place that's like West Lake Village, Thousand Oaks, Ogora Hills, when you go to a coffee and you have two kids and you have a wife and you go get coffee, that's straight up like going to Vegas. When you're 23, you go. This is it.

You turn on Daniel Bedingfield and you drive to the coffee bean and tea leaf. You turn on Duran Duran and you drive to coffee bean and tea leaf. You turn on fucking the Eurythmics and you drive to coffee bean and tea leaf. And you get the coffee and you stay there for a little bit and you stay there too long and your wife texts you, where are you? And you go, just wrapping up, coming back and you leave. But you wait for that text.

And I'll tell you what, I went to coffee bean and tea leaf today. And I got there and I don't normally go to Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf when it's noon. Okay, but I did today. And when do I normally go? I normally go at 8 30. After I drop Calvin off from school or I go at 7 p.m. because it closes at 7 30 and I'm feeling antsy and I'm like, well, I gotta go. Okay. I go at 12 today. I get there. And there's a guy. I go at 12 today. I get there and there's a guy. I'm with my producer. Okay. There's a guy there that goes like this. All right buddies, what we got?

Like this. And I go, oh, and he wants a pound. So we both pounce independently. You know, he's got the two. We go, well buddy buddy, what you got? And then my producer, Juan Fierro goes like this, check out his name tag. It's so dope. And I look and it says, Hung Barista. Okay. Avi, you know, it's like, dude. So yeah, his name's Hung. He's obviously Asian or Thai or some shit like that. And then, but also rephrase Hung Barista.

On this name tag, put the occupation first, right? Barista Hung. Everyone walks up just goes, oh, you got a huge cock. That's everyone in their head. I got a huge cock. Does everyone in their head? I got a huge cock to make my coffee. That's just literally what nobody would not think that maybe a fucking 50 year old woman might be like, huh, what is that? Anyone besides a woman from 48 to 55 goes like this.

Oh, God, like huge dicks making my coffee. I'm barista. So somebody what we got, we got, we going, what we got. He goes like that. I'm like, oh shit, man, this guy's already, he's off and running, dude. So we give him a pound and he says, what we want. And I say, uh, yeah, okay. I'll have an iced Americano, uh, dry, large, you know how we do it. And then what do you want? And then my producer got something. I don't know what the fuck you got.

And, um, he goes, oh, you, you look like you play my producer got something. I don't know what the fuck he got. And he goes, oh, you you look like you play the drums to me. And I'm like, man. What you look like you play the drums, that guy who is on that band, who played drums with tattoos and you look like him. And I was like, Tommy Lee. All right, I'll take it. I mean, I don't

look like Tommy Lee, but I guess to a guy named Hung, maybe I do, right? Like to some white guys, all Asians look alike. Maybe to Asians, guys like me just look like Tommy Lee. So, but I think he has more tattoos. You're not Tommy Lee. He's telling me now. And I'm like, yeah, I know I'm, I'm not Tommy Lee, but I'll take it. That's cool, man. I think he's taller than me. Yeah, he taller. I said, OK. He says, yeah. He says, OK, so we go over to the thing.

We go back. We're waiting for the thing. He says, uh, because I never seen you here before. And I go, oh, fuck, man. Well, yeah. Yeah, you know what? I usually come at 830 or like 7, and you work at noon. He says, oh, yeah, I work during the day.

I said, oh okay. He says, yeah. I said, cool. Well, how long you been working here? He says, two weeks. And I'm like, that's not long enough to work somewhere to be like, hey, I've never seen you in here before. Because you've only been here, what, how many days has it been? Set at what? 10? She said, oh yeah, I come out. I listen to this. Oh, okay. Yeah. I would have known this is what he says.

I would have known if you were in here before. And I'm like, dude, is this guy, is this a, uh, either we're going to turn into mortal enemies or this guy is going to be at Thanksgiving, right? With me. And, um, I was like, oh yeah. And then he says, yeah, I would recognize you. I said, oh, okay, man. And then he pointed to my producer. He says, I wouldn't recognize you though. I wouldn't know if you came in. And I'm like, oh, so Dick. I say, okay, okay. here's your drink, bye.

See ya, hung barista. I got a big dick making my coffee. And I got home, I told Chris about it, she was like, please, please, please, don't make him your best friend. And I'm like, no promises, dude. I've had friends named Dojun. I've had friends named Idis, and I don't even know what country that name is.

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Melissa and Doug. The play is pretend. The skills are real. Look for Melissa and Doug wherever you shop for toys. Morgan Doisaki. Christian just said, who was the guy we met at the high school Morgan Doisaki and Morgan Doisaki was the shit.

He lives near Fresno. I actually playing Fresno soon. Go to chrisley.com and get those tickets. And Morgan Doisaki is the shit and I love him and, um, his, his, my parents could never be friends with any of my friends parents in high school because I was, um, I was different to it and that's fine. And celebrate it. Oh yeah.

I'll be, I'd be friends with a guy named Michael and then we would find out He had a Russian dad straight up like the guy was just named Michael and then I'd be like, oh we have a birthday party My Michael's dad drops him off and he's like, where is sir? What do we have and my mom's like, okay What the fuck am I supposed to do with this? And I'm like, I don't know don't be racist and she's like no I can't communicate with him What about the mom and the mom wouldn't say shit, you know. Hi, I might go there, you know, just and I Morgan Doisaki just had to pick up the phone. Much, much. Yeah, always.

My hey, Morgan, I'm Morgan. OK. Whatever, man. But I love it. I love it. I love I love weirdos. I was we had friends giving at our house, you know, sorry if we didn't invite you. I was thinking about this actually lately is how do when people invite people to things, how do you get them all?

You know, like how do you remember to do them all? You gotta like put together an e-vite thing and then, no, my wife's looking at me like, what do you mean? We forgot to invite certain people that we shouldn't have. 100%. I don't know who, don't ask me for specifics, but it- I told you though and it was your mom. me for specifics but it so it was my so all right so it look it happens it happened my point is it happens it's not

necessarily my fault but it happens okay and we don't invite people that we should be inviting all right and and anyway this is it's going off the rails because she's making it seem like my fault. But the thing is, how do you do that? Like, you know how, like you have to get an e-vite list together. Women will do that. And then it'll be like, okay, uh, we got to add fucking Rachel to the thing. We got to add your, your new friend, Paul. He's been to the house a few times.

I got to add him to the e-vite thing. Okay. I get that barring that. Dude, if you don't have a party, if you don't have a party, and then during the party, you go like this, oh fuck, I didn't invite Ralph. You, you're, you're a woman. Only men do that, because women invited everyone. If you're a dude, they go, oh shit, I didn't invite Andrew. Fuck, God, he's going to be, and you go, should I not post on a story?

I'll just hide the stories from him. But then the other people at the party, Andrew knows. So they post the shit and then Andrew goes, I fucking didn't invite him to his party. And you got to be like, yo, I didn't invite you. I'm sorry. And I don't even you, I'm sorry. And I don't even like to say friendsgiving. But now I have to say friendsgiving, and let me tell you why.

Dude, because I've gone on rants on this podcast about don't say friendsgiving, and now I have to say, do you know why? Because my wife said friendsgiving, and now my son is just like, hey, this is friendsgiving, and I'm in love with him, so I gotta be like, okay. We say friendsgiving, because it's cute when he says it. And so now you know you change, and it's fine.

You grow and you change. You're's fine. You grow and you change. You're not amazing? You grow and you change dude. And that's a beautiful thing. Right? It really is a beautiful thing. It is. Previously on Crystal Leia's Life. I'm not saying friendsgiving.

Previously on Krystalia's Life. I'm not opening up my emotional walls. Previously on Krystalia's Life. I'm not getting married again. Previously on Krystalia's Life. I don't like Nutri-Grain bars. I do now. Isn't that amazing? I do though. My dad said that they make your butt fat when I was a kid and I fucking never ate them again

for like 20 years and now I eat them again. The blueberry ones are the shit dude. Hell yes. I'll just straight up eat a fucking yum yum yum yum yum a neutral green bar like that. It's nothing dude. Whatever man. I had a lovely time with my son the other day. Both sons. But I brought them home from my parents' house.

First of all, I was fun at my parents' house. Brought them home. On the way home, Cabin goes like this. I want eggs. Like, you know what a four and a half year old is like? A fucking 30 year old bachelor. That's just like, I can eat eggs now if I want, you know, you know, the like, just at like 8 p.m., you're not supposed to, you're just,

you're not supposed to eat eggs. I know there's no rules. You can eat eggs, but like you don't eat eggs unless you're four and a half or 30 and single at 9 p.m. Right. And so he's just like I want eggs will you make me eggs and I'm like yeah I guess I'm not doing anything we got to go to the grocery store to get eggs he says okay I'll go to grocery store with you and I go hell yeah dude so I'm ready to go I so I get home and I'm like hey Kristen we got to go to the grocery store Cal and I and she says it's it's 830 and I'm like, hey, Kristen, we gotta go to the grocery store, Cal and I, and she says, it's 8.30.

And I'm like, yeah, so what? He wants eggs. We'll go get eggs, we'll cook eggs. And she goes, you're leaving now? And I say, yeah. And she's like, all right, okay. I get Cal in the thing. We go to the,

right? We go to the Vons. And Cal's pointing to me, he says, that's Vons. I say, oh yeah, let's go in Vons. We go in Vons. A girl gave him a Moana sticker dude it was beautiful so we get the eggs and then I get a text from my wife did you not check the fridge fuck we had eggs and we not only did we have eggs we had had eggs, we had 18 of them. I bought more. I bought more because, fuck it, and I bought paper towels because we needed those two. And he got a Moana sticker. So it was a beautiful time, but we came back, cooked my son eggs.

And, uh, you know, he always eats like one and a half and I was cooked like four. So I was like, I'm just making two. Fuck this. I'm not doing it. I made two and he ate them and he goes, I want more. And I go, dude, I was so, it was beautiful, man. It was beautiful. It is, it is, it is really sweet. You know, I'm a fucking dad straight up loving it Um

Whatever what am I fucking talking about? I appreciate you guys though Friends giving was good. I had we had a bunch of guys over Jeff die was over. He had he He smokes fucking cigars and and I I didn't know I had other friends that like brought cigars. A few people brought cigars to Friendsgiving like were just like mobsters or some shit. I don't know and they made friends and they're like hey hey and then Jeff was like, you know, I smoke four cigars a day. I was like, bro, what? That's are you hey, are you? Who's that guy? The daredevil bad guy.

What's his name? Fucking who's the daredevil bad guy? So many people in the car right now listening. It's this and I don't know it. I hate that. Kingpin. Yes. Got out of that one! That's a Stoge. Right? The fucking... What's the... Arnold Schwarzenegger? We gotta look it up, dude. It's so funny. Wanna have a Stoge?

Arnold Schwarzenegger? I mean, the N-word is in his last name, you know? Okay so, uh, that's a Stoegi. We've got Stoegis. I love Stoegis. So, okay Arnold, has anyone ever known how to spell Stoegi? Here we go. Schwarzenegger? Here, Stoegi. I have a Stoegi. Here we go. Schwarzenegger. Here Stoegi. I have a Stoegi. I like Stoegis. Here we go. This is 140. Here we go. Here we go. Rick, the much... this is so in the middle of two takes in True Lies.

I went home with Maria in 1977 when I met her at the tennis tournament. I went home with her to meet her parents in Hyannisport. This is how I get involved in the stogies. And there her father after dinner pulled out a cigar, lit it up, then he gave one to his son, then to the other son, and to some other people, and he said to me, do you want the cigar? And I said, I don't know how to smoke a cigar. He says, well, try it because after dinner, everyone ought to have a cigar.

So I tried it more. The rest is history. I'm still smoking Stokies. I love it. And he introduced me to something really good. And I know now the next question, knowing you. Being the interviewer that you are Digging in deep all the time It's about cigars, you know What does your wife think about that?

You know, not what I thought Let me ask you something When my wife's father... It's gonna be so sexist, right? ...has introduced me to Stokies What is she gonna say? She's not gonna say my father made a mistake because her father never makes a mistake. And the bitch is not going to say that.

So therefore it is okay. I can smoke stogies around her. I can smoke stogies in my house. First of all, because her father introduced me to stogies. How much is it a story issue with it? Just please the house stinks like shit and you just because I'm a stud because I'm a stud ball see I don't take no shit from anyone oh change so I mean you had such a drag out fight with his wife before this on

going to the set on True Lies. And she was like, I just need you to stop smoking cigars. And he will not stop calling them stogies to her, even though he knows that pissers are off. And he smokes stogies and he says, and he said he will never do it. And on the way from the house to True Lies, he listened. He was like, well, the father said it's okay. So I'm ballsy. I can smoke stogies around her. I can smoke stogies in my house.

First of all, because her father introduced me to stogies. And second of all, because I'm a stud. I'm ballsy. I don't take no shit from anyone. I smoke my stogie anywhere I want. I don't have to find a hideout place like you You know a hideout place What? fucking Was that like honestly? Why did they film that? Whoa, what the fuck were they doing?

There weren't iPhones. A guy got a camera and set it up. Hey, light it, light it. Schwarzenegger, you got this. You're ready for that Stoge interview. What was it for? It's not for a cigar Instagram page. What the fuck was that for?

I am a stud that's naked Stoge anywhere. Oh, you got a Matt Rafe ad on this one. That's cool Rick the way I got into smoking stove the way I got the book is stogies What The way I got the smoke is stogies. That was with my my wife's dad, father. All right, whatever. You know. But it's crazy. What was it for? Anyway, I don't smoke cigars.

They asked if I'm on. And then it was so cute because Calvin was like looking at my friend Jason calling smoking a stah-oo-gee and he said, That's really cool. And it was so cute, dude. And Jason was like, these are only for adults. It's just whoo-o-s. Yeah. Um. I guess my wife wanted to play this game dude she got this game what was it called chicken and hot dog or something chicken versus hot dog definitely didn't really think about the name too hard when they made that but they're like

these two dildo looking things one's a chicken and one's a hot dog. And you fucking toss them up in the air and you try to land them like this, how they do with the water bottles when everyone goes crazy on the internet. And, uh, it's just like, that's the game. You can just do that. And it's not fun. You know, you're not tricking me with this. Hey, hey, Mattel or whatever.

No, you're not going to get me. So, you know, we'll all be having a blast, you know, and then Christian's like, OK, everyone, OK. And I'm like, oh, for fuck's sake, dude, I got a game. And let me tell you something, too. Something new, new games, dude, like unless it's a video game with like advanced technology and new ways to do things. OK, but you're not going to get me on a new game when there's Scrabble.

You're not going to get me on a new game when there's Scatagories, when there's Shoots and Ladders, when there's Sorry. You know, when there's Operation. I don't even like these games, but you're not going to get me with Chicken versus Hot Dog. Hey, hey, hey, what's it come with? Two dildos and six cards. Hey, flip the dildo around, try to get it on his balls. And, and, and, and everyone's doing it. And I was just like, yay inside. And I'm smoking the stogies outside with Jeff Dye and Jason Collings in the hideout. And they're flipping dildos and we're smoking stogies.

And, you know, later on, I took that fucking thing for a ride, though, didn't I? I sat in a corner and I tried fucking doing it. I got real good at it, didn't I? Just in case, just in case, just in case a shit popped off. You need to play chicken versus cowboy or whatever. And I get in there and I get fucking seriously involved and I whipped it out. But anyway, Kristen was like,

Calvin, I don't think you can play, it's an adult game. And then she didn't see because she was like telling the rules to people and Calvin walked away with this, like this. And I was like, buddy, what's going on? And he said, mom says I can't play because it's an adult game and I and I looked over and I was like well of course it's an adult game because you're throwing dildos around and that's not why I was like hey is this actual is like the cards are they read like adult

themed and she's like no it's just hard to do and I was like oh really? Calvin's so sad she's like oh really? oh come here and we played and then he got to like be part of the game, and it was so cute, dude. I don't give a fuck. I talk about my kids. I look so blind with these glasses on. But they're the politics glasses,

and we love politics here at Congratulations Studios. Steal the Naughty List is a new stop-motion animated Christmas movie. Comedy for the Naughty List is a new stop motion animated Christmas movie. Comedy for the whole family available now on Apple TV and Amazon. Merry Christmas from Steal the Naughty List. Go to holler.babyslashcrystalia if you wanna purchase

a shout out or mini ad on this podcast. Ellen, I guess, is moving to the UK, which is like who fucking cares. Hey, see ya. Dance over there. dance all the way there Well, poor should do Rossi and brunette brunette Ellen DeGeneres it says brunette they're still going out they're still pretending to do that Yeah, I know. I know they're married, sweetie. I Get it. I know I know sweetie. I get it. I know. I know, sweetie. LGBTQ, I get it. I know.

You don't like that? What? It's all optics, right? They chop boxes. No, no, no. Hey, hey, dude, hey, dude, they chop boxes, right? No, no, no, I get it. They chop boxes. So all good. Dude, what's up with like straight up married couples that have been married? Imagine being married for 20 years and like doing oral. What the fuck? Do they? Does that happen?

Like chowing down on box, no way, a husband, just like with a fat, like a fat guy, maybe a fat guy, cause you know, he's, he will be like this. Uh, present the box, right? But like, like think about a, well, man, then a good looking couple, you'd be like, well, he'd want to chow down on the box, but like Boxers hot dog, but it's like,

if you are just normal looking, do you chat down on boxes, go down on each other, do you? If you're normal looking and you're 55, do you do that? Well, I wonder, I guess we'll find out. 11 years for me and a little more for you, right? 55, that's when I'll be 55 in 11 years. Chris, remember what you said in your podcast?

I've been really trying. Chris, do you remember what you said in your podcast? Great, the fucking thing doesn't work. Kristy, remember what you said in your podcast? Great, the fucking thing doesn't work. Oh, man. Oh, it would have been a good time for the Jeff Bezos sting. Anyway, I wonder. I wonder. Save up to $75 in the Ancestry DNA Cyber Sale, our lowest price of the year. Hmm... I wonder. But hurry, these savings are only for a very limited time. Visit Ancestry.ca to start your journey today with our new favorite and recently played games tabs and to top it all off quick and secure withdrawals get more everything with FanDuel sportsbook and casino gambling

problem call 1-866-531-2600 visit connexontario.ca what we got here oh yeah so Ellen DeGeneres is moving. Dude, how about this, man? When the people who are just like, okay, there's two people who are the most annoying people after elections. Okay. The sore winners and the crying people. Hey, it's fine, all right?

Yes, I'm a white male, but also it's fine. I get it. It's fine. You upset you losing rights? You're not. Hey, where'd you make this video? Where'd you post it? from your iPhone and your Tesla? You're all good. You've got a frunk.

There's people in fucking India that can't drink water without dying. Hey, dude, do you worry about dysentery? Or are you just worried about the new update from OS? You're fine. Oh, they're taking my rights away. What rights? People are so annoying, the sore winners to look, I'm saying the left. And the right dude, just the sore winners.

Hey, the the the liberals who are like, what is this coming to, what have I done? They're stripping us of our rights. No. And then the fucking super right. Hell, yes, suck on that. Fuck these libtards. Dude, relax.

You won. Everyone just chill on the couch for a bit. Let's see how this unfolds. There's always election fraud. Every single election ever. Even all the way back with Grover Cleveland. Yo that's what we should name another kid. Grover. That's a dope name. Grover DeLeah. Fuck yeah. Call him Groovy. That's so cute. Gro-Gro. Come here, Gro-Gro. Groovy. Groovy-dolia.

Dude, that's dope. It's crazy? Gravy? It's not gravy though. I need to put my foot down though when it comes to names for men because that's my right. Because I'm a man and if we have men,

I need to put my foot down and be like, no, this is his name If we have a daughter if we have a daughter though, you're gonna we're gonna lose our minds on what's it like to have a little daughter. Oh my gosh Well, very sweet anyway, Ellen is moving to the UK who fucking cares I feel like Is she though? These stars? Jimmy Kimmel was like crying on his fucking thing, you know? I think he was crying on, I don't know that actually, but I think he was crying on his

show because Trump won. And it's like fine, you know, you can buy an airplane. So Ellen, Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi are enjoying themselves across the pond. I don't like across the pond. After reports that the couple has relocated to England in the wake of Donald Trump's presidential election victory over Vice President Kamala Harris,

66 and 51 Portia de Rossi. Portia de Rossi, is she? Who's Portia de Rossi? Was she the one in? Oh, right. Oh yeah, okay. Yeah, she was on... Yeah, she was on the show. She's cool. Had a night out at a local pub in...

Okay, so she's in... That's crazy. To move? Well, hey, good. You know what? More power to them. Fuck it. They did what they wanted. That's what you To move? Well, hey, good. You know what? More power to them. Fuck it. They did what they wanted. That's what you should do, right? Marcus J's new single, Fresh, featuring Snoop Dogg will be available for streaming December 13th.

Also, you can stream the mind-bending Paradox podcast now on Spotify. Go to holler.baby slash Chris Lea if you want to purchase a shout out or mini ad on this podcast. Oh God, that was so funny, dude. When you... Dude, that was so funny. We got the new intro, you know, for the congratulations.

And they were like so proud of it. You know, one fire and I've been getting rid of made the, the, the intro. And it's got a bunch of different clips of stuff in it. Mostly me, cause it's all the podcast ever really is. But, um, and, uh, I saw it and it was cool. I was like, oh cool. They put one like a little clip of me and Kristen in it. And I really is, but, and I saw it and it was cool. I was like, oh cool. They put one, like a little clip of me and Kristen in it. And I was like, oh, let's show Kristen.

We show Kristen in like two seconds before it even, we show Kristen two seconds before her part comes on. One fire goes like this. Oh, you're in it too. So, and I was like, oh dude, you ruined it, great. It was gonna happen in two seconds, but it's all good. Dude, oh, you ruined it. Oh, congratulations, oh, you're really great. It was going to happen in two seconds, but it's all good. Do you know you're really all congratulations on your own? This thing about the Joe Rogan and Joey Behar

thing where she said he believes in dragons, you know, dude, it's like. It's so first of all, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, the view, dude. What is it? Six, five, six women that are just, I guess it's for women, right? Like cause it's daytime television. Like there's no, you know, one time I saw a thing where it was like, we need to get more women in late night television. What the fuck?

It's so male heavy. And it's like, I don't know one dude that had a date, maybe Montel who's a Montel Williams had a daytime and, and Richard Bay, the Richard Bay show. And then besides that, it's just like all women. It's, you know, there's fucking Jerry Springer, but like, you know, I mean, there are so many. Who was it? It was Fortune Feimster that said something like that.

And I wrote back to her. I was like, yo, dude, they run the daytime. And. And so five of them sit around on the view and they talk shit, right? It whoopies on air and. Joy Behar, Who, by the way, who is Joy Behar? She's she was in The View before that. What did she do? Like interviews and stuff. No, she was a comedian. I didn't know her as that.

Maybe I never knew she was a comedian, but. And so she was like. There I look, I would not call the view the media. I guess I would call Joe Rogan the media at this point, but it's better. Like the media is what you think of as the media. You just think of like, you know, NBC, MSNBC, CNN, Fox News, and it's just like, they're always all lying to you,

of course, and we all know that. And you know, Rogan is a comedian Fox News and it's just like they're always all lying to you of course and we all know that and you know Rogan is a comedian who is turned into this podcaster that's the biggest platform in the world and he invites really smart people on and discusses things and has open-ended conversations with a lot of opinions and some facts that are people said and sometimes the facts that are said are wrong because they're just people talking for three hours on a podcast and that's okay. All right. So, you know, I like that that exists, but the fact that, you know, people like in the view or on CNN will just be like,

yeah, well, once Rogan said dragons exist. And it's like he said everything on his podcast. He goes, dude, I've done his part. I think I've done it twice. Dude, it's it's so long. I've said the dumbest shit on. First of all, this podcast is an hour a week. His podcast has been going since 1984 and it's been every day for three hours so

of course he said shit he also he's a comedian and I get that there's like the lines cross was like if he's a comedian okay and then also but if he's pumping out information based and their facts what do do you do? But like dude, what Rogan said was, hey, there was a guy that was on my podcast that said dragons existed. And what does that mean? Now, obviously it doesn't mean that there were dragons out there just scorching castles, but did they fly? You know, there's no documentation of it. And it's like for for for Joy Behar to be like, yeah, but, you know, he believes in dragons and this is who we're taking our lead from on on who to vote for. And that's not OK.

And it's like, you know, he didn't say that, dude. You know, he didn't say dragons existed. So he took on Twitter and did the Tupac thing Where he is like, okay a dragon believer on his ex-profile and there you go, that's that's Tupac You know Joe Rogan in a way is the new Tupac but I mean like I Guess he's a little old for it, you know a little bit more responsible than Tupac was probably But Tupac died at 26, but it's just like dude. It's just annoying. Why believe anything dude? Why believe anything? We love it. We love you and the people who listen to it patreon.com slash crystal. Ea

That's where it's at you keep the show going without it. I wouldn't do this show So thank you so much for the producers of this show, which you are, if you signed up for the Patreon. And go get those tickets for Spokane Washington in New York. I'll be out there. I'll be out in a bunch of different places, Brea, California, Los Angeles. So go to chrislee.com and check it out. Thank you very much. I'm proud to let you know the fucking bomb you've built Fuckin' fucking cops, motherfucker

Right in the motherfuckin' child Motherfucker, motherfucker