Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 416. Bury Me a G

Episode Date: December 5, 2024

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I am so dreading groceries this week. Why? You can skip it. Oh, what? Just like that? Just like that. How about dinner with my third cousin? Skip it. Prince Fluffy's favorite treats? Skippable.

Midnight snacks? Skip. My neighbor's nightly saxophone practices? Er, nope. You're on your own there. Could have skipped it. Should have skipped it. Skip to the good part and get groceries, meals and more delivered right to your door on skip. As the world's population grows, so does the need for resources like Potash to support sustainable

food production. This is why BHP is building one of the world's most sustainable potash mines in Canada. Essential resources responsibly produced. This is what BHP has committed to Canada. The future is clear. It's happening now at BHP, a future resources company. To discover how, visit bhp.com slash better future. Hey guys, I will be in Brea, California coming up here and Fresno, California. You know, San Luis Obispo, I have a lot of dates coming up. I got like new ones. Go to chrislea.com, like Winnipeg, Regina, and Saskatoon. And then I got the New York and the Boston.

Anyway, go to chrislea.com to get those tickets, and welcome to Congratulations. So here I am and I'm sitting here with Billy and now a few things have happened this week. I'm sitting here, first of all, I'm sitting here with Billy. He won't let me, I know you're not not even watching me you're probably watching him if you're watching the show but He he won't today for some reason he won't let me go anywhere and it's adorable and also It's very laborious. I can't Is he quiet Oh

and So it's it's a little weird, but it's very, I love that he loves me, you know, and he's so happy, uh, when I'm with him and when I'm not with him, he is just crying, so I'm just having him on my lap. And here's the other thing too. I, I've been doing so many podcasts and shows and all this stuff that I, my voice is like gone, so I am like not at Mach 10. Like there might not be any, yep, that hurt.

So there might not be any of those. Um, I'm going to the doctor on Friday, actually, because I want to, I want to check it out because I think that between that, and if you're a fan of the show, you know, but I've been like having to clear my throat a lot. I don't know what's going on. Great. Probably got polyps all good, but, um, hopefully it's all good. And, uh, so that's that, but yeah.

So, um, chrisleeve.com I did add a bunch of dates. Uh, so go get those are all live now. And, uh, that's cool. You know, I'm feeling old. I got the meta glasses and that means I'm old. Right. Because well, well, meta is actually cool because, uh, it, it, it did this. But also if you were on meta, bless you.

I know Billy's allergic when I say meta, but, um, Billy's allergic to meta, but he he's allergic to boomers. So, but if you, if you're on Facebook, you're old, right? Like I don't think new people watch go on Facebook, right? Like does an 18 year old say, hey, I shared this thing on Facebook. It was so dope. I got to make sure to get this on Facebook. No, they don't.

They say, oh, no, that's all they say, right? And so I'm 44. I got the glasses for an early Christmas present. And, uh, Chris, Kristen got me the, uh, the, the, the sunglasses and I went live streaming on them and dude, they're crazy. Um, they're absolutely crazy. Uh, because you just are like, you put them on, if you put them on in your house, forget it because you're nervous.

You know why? Because your dress is somewhere, right? Your dress is somewhere on some box, right? Or, you know, not for me, like this isn't true for me, but there's a dildo somewhere, right? Now I'm not saying there isn't one in my, there isn't one in my house, but I'm just saying there's something like that somewhere around, right? Like even Nutter Butters. I don't want people to know I'm eating Nutter Butters. Okay. It's not as embarrassing as a dildo but in a certain way it is so I'm just like hey come on meta blur those out but so

I'm I'm on med I'm on the I'm in the glass I'm wearing the glasses and I'm going live I'm driving and it's like alerting me in my ear, people commenting, alerting me in my ear. You know, Dave 27 says you're a loser. And, um, anyway, but Billy, so, so Billy's here. Um, and he's hiding now under the microphone. He's the cutest boy and buddy, I got to do my podcast though. Do you think you can be without me a little bit? No, no, dude, he's got to be the smiley's baby. Do you think you can be without me a little bit? No? No? Dude, he's got to be the smileys baby and everyone always comments that and it's so weird. But, um, dude, stop hiding. If you're going to be on it, be on it.

Um, so anyway, uh, I, uh, am here. My voice is gone. I know it doesn't sound like it's gone because I've been really trying to use it right. But also, um, uh, it's been tough lately because don't, don't get your hands on there. Uh, it's been tough lately because, uh, you know, and this is just a serious thing, maybe I should not say this with him on my lap, but Butters passed away. Okay. Of all the times to make a noise, you know, but, um, Butters passed away and

it was really sad. Uh, I, you know, I've been with him for, he's been with me for 13 years. He just had a collapsed trachea and, uh, couldn't breathe and I had a huge mass in his throat and it was just time. Um, okay. I'm going to put you down.

Okay. I'm going to put you down. Can I put you down? You know, dude, he's at, he's in that age where he knows exactly where he knows exactly what, that age where he knows exactly, where he knows exactly what, what, where he knows exactly what I'm saying, but he can't talk. So when I say like, okay, gotta go upstairs to bed, he just goes, he just like collapses and goes,

um, hi bud. So yeah, so anyway, butters, what? Buddy, we gotta get you out, what? Buddy, we got to get you out. We got to have you out of this room. Daddy's got to work, right? I know. Do you want to be on a podcast? Do you want to have a podcast? No. OK, I'm going to try and put you out of the room so you can

but you're going to be sad and maybe cry. But it's OK, though, because I'm going to I'm going to be done in like, you sad, maybe cry. But it's okay though, because I'm gonna be done in like an hour. Okay, buddy? Okay, you wanna go to mama? Go to mama. So weird. Yeah, I don't know what's going on.

It's okay, it's okay. It's okay. I love you. Oh, yeah, don't poke my eye out. I love you. Oh, oh, buddy. All right. Um, I don't know why it today is so weird that he's doing that. I mean, he does like like me, but today it's just like, anyway, um, I don't know how I'm going to get this through this podcast. So much has been going on. My voice is gone. Uh, well, it's still there, but it hurts when I talk. I did this show on Wednesday and on, at, in Irvine. And that was like it. I went on stage in Irvine and I, I did give it my all, dude. And the crowd wasn't even really all that good. I mean, it was appreciative and I was appreciative.

They were there, it was sold out, but the crowd wasn't like, re like they were all there because, uh, and I said this on Wednesday, it was Wednesday or wait, yeah, Thanksgiving is on a Thursday, right? Yeah. When it was on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and they were just like there to bring their family that was in town to ignore them. So, so I could do the dirty work, you know, so I could entertain them. So they could just be like, and not have to talk to them about awkward shit or get political.

And so I'm like, I had to do the show, did the show, the crowd was okay. So it, it, it, it, uh, normally I'll do like an hour. And when you do a longer amount of time When when the crowds good a shorter amount of time seems longer and when it grows bad a longer amount of time a Longer amount of material seem shorter. I should say so one. So listen here. Let this down again. When the crowd is good, a shorter amount of material is longer because they're clapping, they're laughing. When a crowd is bad, a longer amount of material is,

wait, a shorter amount of material is longer. You know what I'm trying to fucking say. You know what I mean trying to say? I, you know what I mean? It's just like, so, um, this will get good. I know I'm at a low caliber here, but, or a low, uh, what do you call it? Wow. He's fucked. What is it?

Energy, dude, he's fucked, dude. And honestly I'm fucked because here's why. This totally discombobulated me. My wife told me to go to Whole Foods to get chicken and I got turkey, dude. And, and, and, and, and it was a whole turkey. And I know that it's kind of interchangeable because who gives a fuck. And I don't mean to be animal racist, but like, dude, I got Turkey and I brought it back and it was already cooked. It wasn't raw. And she wanted me to get a raw chicken and I got a cooked Turkey dude.

And I'm just like, how the fuck did that happen, man? So three things, my voice hurts. Yes. My, uh, my, uh, my, my dog got a yes. And, um, there was nothing I got turkey instead of chicken. Yes. So anyway, um, so life rips I guess in lieu of all that but and it's like I I don't Well, let's just talk about I mean the chicken turkey thing was done. It was just absolutely a travesty, but let's talk about the dog dying

absolutely a travesty, but let's talk about the dog dying. Um, um, you know, he's, he's the incel dude, rest in peace to the incel. Um, and he barked during the podcast all the time and he's going to be barking at a podcast in heaven somewhere while it's going on. Um, and I'm, I miss him and it's weird. Like it's weird to have, you know, I've got four, well, I've got three dogs now, but I've had four dogs, you know, when he was alive and, um, they just become like such a thing in your life that you just, you know, it's not like you look, you don't, yeah, you, I've, I've had, I had kids four years ago and I had my first kid and then I had my second

kid and then it's like, I have these, the dogs kind of, they take a back seat. You know, it's like when, when I hear now people say like, Oh, I got a dog. I'm a dog mom. I'm like, all right, you don't have kids, you know, but, uh, and that's fine. But like, I was wondering, I guess what I'm trying to say is I was wondering how it was going to feel. But, uh, and that's fine, but like, I was wondering, I guess what I'm trying to say is I was wondering how it was going to feel, uh, when one of my dogs passed. Cause that's gonna happen, right?

Dogs live to be like at the most, you know, once, once a dog gets to 13, you go, all right, it's going to be happening at some time here, coming up here. It's going to be happening at some time here coming up here. And, um, so it happened and I took him with, uh, my friend to, uh, the vet because he was having, he had a mass. We knew about it and they were like, we were like, if we take it out, is it mean he's going to be better? And the doctor was like, not necessarily. No, it could be, you know, it might cost 10 grand and then not, not work.

And I'm like, fuck, all right, should I do it? I wouldn't, I wouldn't do it if it was a goldfish is one expensive goldfish, but I'm like, I, you know, it's still a pet, but I love, I love butters, but I'm like, should I do it? And then his trachea collapsed. And that's what happens with Yorkies. Their trachea is just fucking, I don't know. It's like an evolutionary thing where Yorkies throats

just go like this, nah, and break. And then, so he had a mass and a collapsed trachea and was pushing up against his esophagus. He wouldn't eat and he was shaking. And I was like, the doctor, we brought him in. Me and my friend Jerika, we brought him in and Jerika's super close with Butters. the doctor, we brought him in. Me and my friend Jerrica, we brought him in and Jerrica's super close with Butters.

And she was like, what do we do? And I was like, I think it's probably the, you know, I thought he was gonna die five months ago, and we got lucky, like he didn't. Oh fuck, it's so weird to think that he's not here now actually. Um, but anyway, my point is we, we, she, the doctor came, the doctor came in, injected him with the stuff and he fell asleep or whatever, and then, um, injected him with another thing that stopped his heart.

And man, dude, it was just so, I've never experienced anything like that. And I, I, I love the dog and, and I, and, and when, when it happened, I was like, do I look at him? Because I don't know if I want to see it, but then I want to like be good to him while it happens, but I'm like, I'm in the room, so I'm just standing right there. You know, and I, and I, I hugged Jerrica cause she's crying and, um, and I'm crying she's crying and um, and I'm crying and um, and he passes on and it's just like a terrible dude. It's like terrible. It's like, it's like, it's like utterly, utterly fucking terrible. And you're just sitting there and you go, okay, I don't have my dog anymore. He's dead and you just sit there and then they come and they take the dog and

Jerker's like don't look he's really limp and I'm like, oh my god. No, are you? I thank you for telling me that I'm not gonna look so they take the dog and then it's away and I'm like, okay. I immediately get in my car after talking to Jerika for a little bit and drive to the Laugh Factory and do a set. Now, I don't know how I did it.

I compartmentalized, I'm a professional. I was able to do it. I did well on stage. I got off stage, came home, went to, ate a little bit went to bed the next day I woke up Butters wasn't there and I Went to get a coffee

came back and just It was fucked up after that. It was like super male. The thing happened. I cried. Then it wasn't, wasn't so bad. I go, I'm going to go to work, you know, like such a fucking, like it's a, like it's a John Cassavetes movie. I'm going to go to work.

The dog died. I'm going to go to work. And so I went to work, came back, fell asleep, woke up, went to get coffee, came back from coffee. Then when it came back from coffee, I started crying and I was crying hard, dude, like, like I broke down and that's so like, why did it happen then? Dude, it's actually so annoying how feelings are. Like I was thinking about this when I was at coffee bean today and, you know,

butters has passed for like four, four days now, but I'm like, I'm like, man, if I like, cause I think all sorts of crazy shit, like the other day I thought of. Okay. So let me just tell you this story, uh, of something I made up in my head that I thought was so funny and I couldn't stop laughing about it. Okay. So I made up this story.

My cousin is a teacher, Jordan. Okay. And he teaches a bunch of different classes and he teaches PE sometimes. He's, he's an athletic dude, right? And, and, you know, we were joking about, uh, him teaching PE once and, uh, uh, he was like, yeah, I S I school everybody, you know, I'll dunk on, you know, making silly jokes. And I was like, dude, um, you know, I thought that was funny.

And then in my head, I'm like, no, this is just in my head. I'm thinking it would be funny if he would like score on them or something. And these are high school kids and he's 30 something. And if he just said, whenever he scored is he said, you come for the king and you best not miss, right. And now he's a teacher for them. Okay. Now I'm making, I'm driving in my head.

I'm making this up in my head and I'm thinking that's funny. And then, um, I thought, what if he was like really aggressive and this is me driving in my car. What if he's like really aggressive? Cause he said, he's like one time I, I I, I, I, I made a mistake and like the ball hit a kid's face and I had to take him to the nurse's office. And I was like, dude, what if you still had that mentality after like the ball hit his face and you like, were like, well, you do it in your head.

You're like, well, you come for the king. You best not miss. And he's in high school and Jordan's a teacher. And then you have to take the kid. Now this is just, I'm driving my car, making this up in my head. What if you had to bring the kid to the, to the nurse. And then when you bring the kid to the nurse, you say, here we go. And the kid's bleeding in his face and, and, um, uh, yeah, the ball hit his face and the nurse says, okay, I'll take it from here.

And the kid goes into the nurse's office and as the door closes, Jordan says to the kid, you come for the King and you best not miss, but the door closes in the middle of the sentence, right? So it goes like you come for the King, you come for the king, you best not miss, right? And the kid says through the door, muffled, what, right? So now, so I'm making this up, I'm driving to my car and I'm just like, you know, he says,

you come for the kid, you best not miss. What? And then Jordan, my cousin, who's the teacher, the 30 something year old teacher is standing outside of the nurse's office. The door is closed and the kids inside with the bleeding face and the nurse. And, um, and I thought, what would Jordan do? Right. Would he stay?

I was like, what if he just stood there for a few seconds and waited to see if the kid was gonna open the door again? Because he wanted to hear. Or what, or so he waits like 12 seconds. What if that happened? He waited 12 seconds, the kid didn't open the door and then he just went back to class. Jordan, dude, and so I'm in'm in the car driving home I arrive home I'm laughing at this

in my head I'm laughing at this okay I'm laughing so hard I'm I'm I'm almost crying I'm really giggling okay I park and I come home and when I come home my wife is there with her aunt and with her uncle and they're 70 plus years old and I'm laughing. And Kristen says, what are you laughing at? And I think, wow! If I explain this, What the ffff, what the hell is anyone going to think? Right? What are they going to think about what I'm saying? And then I'm like, people have thoughts where they just go off on tangents, right? And I'm like, maybe not like this. Like I'm a comedian, I'm silly, I'm really wacky. Maybe they might think of something like this. So, but then I'm like, I'm just going to say, ah, nothing. But then I'm like I'm just gonna say I had nothing but then I'm like dude you ain't really about it about it actually. You're a

comic, someone's asking you what you laughing at, you made it up in your head and you're not gonna say it? Why? You're not gonna say it to your wife? No. You're not gonna say it to a 75 year old aunt uncle? Why? Oh well you know what then maybe maybe you're actually just not about it about it. And I go you know what then? Maybe you're actually just not about it, about it. And I go, you know what? Do you really wanna know what I was laughing at? And she said, yeah. I said, okay, I'll tell you. And her aunt or uncle are standing there

and I tell them exactly what I just told you, okay? All about Jordan and being in the class and the kid getting hit in the face and they say, you come for the, can you best not miss? I add the part about the door closing and then the kid saying what behind the door and Jordan waiting there for 12 seconds and then walking back to class and I'm laughing and and they are Simply

Looking at my face Okay, the whole time and after I'm done it I end up just saying like and that's what I was laughing at and They're going like this Okay Phone in hand, you know the aunt just like this and I think God that bombed right but but but that's fine because I expected it to and And Kristen is like, Chris, what is wrong with you? And I'm like, I don't know, man.

Do you not think it's stuff like that? And I'm laughing and she's like, are you having a stroke? Anyway, it ended. So I just, I, I, I made that up in my head and I was laughing at it. And I was like, that'd be a hilarious short film. I should make it. But anyway, so like, feelings are so fucked up. Like you've got all these emotions and shit and you don't even know how to

access them. Sometimes for me, I'm talking about me, you know, I'm 44, but like, and I'm a guy, right? Like the dog died. Jerrica is a female and Jerrica is very close to Butters and she's just like looking at pictures of him right after he passed away. She just goes, well, bring up the pictures. Let's look and let's cry. Let's cry for days. And I'm just like, let's go to work.

Let's drive. Let's fucking think about fast and furious and why it's stupid. And then let's go back home. Let's fall asleep. Let's get coffee. Let's do our thing and wait, wait, hold on my dog. Oh yeah. Breakdown, right?

Immediate breakdown after I get back. So I'm like, our feelings are so fucked up. Cause like, I was thinking about it, I was like, I'm gonna go to bed. Breakdown, right? Immediate breakdown after I get back. So I'm like, our feelings are so fucked up. Cause like, I was thinking about in when I was like, if I snap at, um, a lady, right, because she's being, uh, you know, a certain way with me that, uh, and I just think like, fuck, fuck that lady, right? And that's me being mad at that lady. And I think that lady was shitty for that. But in actuality, what it could be is she's just triggering something that I grew

up with because my caretaker used to do that. And now it comes to a head because of, you know, it's triggering, right? In actuality, somebody else wouldn't even register what that lady is doing, right? So I'm just like, dude, it's too hard to figure out, right? When the dog dies, it should just be crying. Wrap it up. Let's go. But it's not it's oh. I guess I'll do my set.

I'm fine, I guess. And then a day later, I cry and then that day is so weird. And I'm just like. Come on, body. I figure it out. And then I watch fucking three movies, dude. I watch three movies, bro. The Substance, Conclave, and Event Horizon, and I go.

Burry me a G. No. Bury me a G. Bury me a G. Yeah, I didn't eat a bowl of pasta during it too. Bury me a G. Yeah, I didn't eat three cookies from Jersey Mike's. Yeah, bury me a G. Yeah, oh I didn't do that.

Right. Yeah, I didn't eat a bowl of pasta and three cookies from Jersey Mike's while watching those movies. Bury me a G. And check this out, dude. Oh yeah, dude. Oh, oh, I didn't eat the cookies first. I did. Bury me a G. Dude, I ate three cookies and then a plate of pasta during Event Horizon.

Bury me a G. So I'm just like, okay, I'm all backwards and I'm all fucked up and my voice is gone? And it's fine to have weeks like this. Maybe my son feels it, maybe Billy feels it and that's why he wants to hug me all the time. Butters died four days ago. Calvin doesn't even fucking know about it. I don't even think I needed to mention it.

Kristen was like, I had a conversation with him that Butters is going to doggy heaven. And Kevin said, good, he'll have a, a, a teacher. That's a guy teach him a bunch of stuff. That's literally what his response was. So he's going to be going to doggy heaven. Oh, good. He'll have a teacher.

That's a guy teach him a bunch of stuff. Okay. Okay. Four year old. All right. You know, Oh yeah. Yeah. Okay. Oh right. You know? Oh yeah? Yeah, okay. Oh, and then what?

Oh, and then we will never talk about butters again. He didn't bring them up four days later. He still hasn't brought them up. Like, I don't even think he would. Does he, did he even know we have four dogs? I think if we didn't even talk about it, that the dog would have, he just would have been, I don't even think of one day he would have been like,

where's butters? I don't even think of one day he would have been like, where's Butters? Um, anyway, it's, it's really weird how it works its way through all of the certain people. Like we've got Jerrica, who was very close and a female and close to Butters. And she's just been crying. Me who compartmentalized, compartmentalized, compartmentalized, compartmentalized, compartmentalized, compartmentalized, compartmentalized. That's how I ran into a bunch of problems. But anyway, I still do it professionally. I compartmentalized, compartmentalized. I, I stopped compartmentalizing compartmentalize compartmentalize compartmentalize compartmentalize compartmentalize compartmentalize that's how I ran into a bunch of problems But anyway, I still do it professionally put more malice come from others I I stopped compartmentalize in my life

but then again after that I start criminalizing because I gotta do it professionally because sometimes you Decide to go to rehab right before you have a show that they're gonna announce you on stage in Denver So you got it? Come on But then it's like the four year olds dealing with it differently. He just goes, I don't even know what's going on. Everyone's like, how's the little one taking it? I'm like, he's taking it. He didn't even know.

All right. So it's just weird, man. I just... So I got the meta glasses and I'm just like going live on Instagram with the meta glasses instead of fucking, you know, and I think people are saying, Oh man, I'm so sorry, Butters died on the live, but I don't even know. Cause I'm not even looking at the screen. I just got my glasses on and I'm at Sweet Greens getting the miso salmon bowl.

I was at Sweet Greens today and I straight up, I want you to know I saw, and I'm just gonna say it, and this sounds so, I don't know how it's, I think I know how it sounds, but I'm still gonna say it. I legitimately saw the hottest guy I've ever seen in my life. And it just made me go, well, this sucks. This sucks. You know, that both of us are in this sweet greens and he's there and you know,

yeah, he's maybe maybe 30 so that's fine he's in his prime and I'm 44 and I just look at him by the way he was six five and I just go this is fucking bullshit you know like I got to stand here next to this guy and I'm and to be honest I didn't feel insecure about it, but also like, come on God, what the fuck, man. Can you make us look a little more alike? All of everyone? Like, oh, so that's a guy and then there's Danny DeVito?

Come on God, that sucks. Oh yeah, but beauty's on the inside. Not when you're just standing in line at Sweet Greens. There's no, nobody gives a fuck about your insides. You're activating all of the women. If you're six, five, and you, I mean, this guy could have been, I have no idea what race he was. And I'm being serious. He looked, he looked on the side of white. That's so dope. To be maybe white is the hottest you can be. Because you know, look dude, it's easy for people if you're white.

I get it. Obviously white guys get like extra perks and shit. We understand it's what they call privilege, but okay, fine. But then how about this though, dude? But also there's some mystery around you. Go fuck yourself dude and then there's just fucking straight-up just you know Danny DeVito can think of another one there's just straight-up Charlie Day somewhere and this Hawaiian on the side of white looking guy With dude this guy was so hot he was with a chick that was

Okay, I don't even know if I mean she was pretty I don't even I don't even know honestly I go like oh wow She's lucky that that's what I look at this. I go, oh, she's lucky. I'm gay. You know what I mean? Like I'm being gay in the Sweet Greens. And look at this good, he's got a snake tattoo. It's open a little bit. He's got a tattoo of Africa on his calf and that's the only thing that solidified that maybe he had a little bit of black in him. I had no idea. I thought maybe he was just white or whatever the rock is. But it was just, it just sucked. I'm like, come on, God, make us look alike a little bit more, not me and him.

I'm just saying everybody. It sucks, dude. If beauty was on the inside, then everyone would look the same anyway, right? Dude, he nailed it. He fucking nailed it. He cocksucking nailed it, dude. And I go, no crispy onions, please.

You know, well, I got fucking Turok standing next to me. That's what he looked like Turok. Well, I got the fucking dinosaur hunter behind me and I'm going, no crispy onions, please. And just a little bit of pickled onions. And I got fucking some dude that rode in on a velociraptor with a chick that's probably a dime, but looked like a six next to him. You know, you don't want to, and I got the meta glasses on too, dude.

I had them on and I go, I hope he doesn't see that there's a, these are the meta glasses. Hey, meta, take a picture. I'm just fucking Tarak is behind him. He goes, Tarak is behind me. I'm the ordinary Chris Brown to go, Hey, meta, take a picture. It just flashes. It shows the fucking look at this here. I put them on. These are the

meta glasses. It didn't do the thing. Hey meta, take a picture. Did you see it? Did you see its flash? So there you go. What the F... Hey battery 100%. All right. So here we go. Hey meta, take a pic, take a picture. Fuck. Yeah. You saw blink. Look at that. Did it. You could hear it. Oh, cool. Do you know what you'll do? How about this? Check this out. Let me put them on. Can you hear it? Did you hear that? All right. Check this out. Let me put them on. Can you hear it? Did you hear that? Alright, check this out. Hey Meta, what am I looking at? You are looking at a room with several people, laptops, and equipment. There's

also a large screen displaying someone's video feed or live stream. It's me. I'm in the live stream. Also, four dead hookers, you know, it just says, and a cat pissing on four dead hookers. And I go, oh, no, no, no, nevermind, no. Isn't that crazy? And that's one of the things that really made me like so excited to get it.

And then I go like this, hey, I don't need that. You know why? I have eyes. Because that's the thing that makes, I would say that's the thing that makes the people most go like, Oh, okay. Sold. I can just ask it what I'm looking at. Hey dude, just use what you have.

But you can sincerely say, like, you can look at a plan and be like, Hey, Matt, what kind of plan is this? And I'll be like, Oh, it's a fucking, you know, fight, fight, fight kiss or whatever. I don't know what to plan. What planet? Well, I'm just saying it's, it's crazy. And then whenever I get something like this, I think I like, what is it going to be like in five, 10 years or one year, dude, I'm just going to read out for me.

So I got the sunglasses. I don't know why, you know, my wife gave it to me as an early Christmas, but I don't know why she didn't get me the regular fucking transition lenses. Probably because she thought I would never take those off and just always be fucking recording. I mean, you know what, dude, that's it. That's what I need to do. That's how I record the arguments.

I don't need a stenographer. I just need meta because I want to, Oh dude, that's it. That's what I need to do. That's how I record the arguments. I don't need a stenographer. I just need meta. Because I wanna, oh dude, that's it. That's what I'm gonna do. Oh, that's hilarious. We're gonna start to argue. I gotta go look at this. Baby, hold on. Put on the fucking shades.

All right, what's up, what's up sweetie? You wanna talk? What's up, you wanna talk? Okay, all right, okay. Now, okay, and then boom, boom. Just count the swear word she's using. And I use zero. Dude, I don't like my sub swear.

Hey, if you get an argument around with me and I'm in a romantic relationship with you guess what I Don't swear I Don't you know why Because if you do swear And a lady can be like that's verbally abusive or whatever. Hey, you know, what's abusive abuse. Okay. When someone is like, Oh, he yelled at me. Hey, maybe you needed to get a fuck. Yeah, dude. Were you at a, Hey, were you at a place? And I don't even mean that.

I just mean like as a, not as a woman, as a person, just, Hey dude, sometimes you had a place. Hey dude, let me just fucking. Hey dude, sometimes you're out of place. Hey, dude, let me just fucking... There we go. Check. There we go. Let me move. It's like a just game. But we're real pieces. The Tupac line, dude, that's so awesome.

It's like a just game, but we're real pieces, dude. Didn't need the second part you know life is like a chess game but we're real pieces didn't need the second part um I love extra explaining shit I just love it it's like for chess game but real pieces like for instance you could be the rook and I could move you. I'll move you up and down. Or side to side. And then the horsey one, you could go like an L. That's a horsey guy. What?

Hell yeah. There's a king and queen and then the horsey guy. What? How do you go diagonal? He's a horsey guy. No, no, no. Hey, excuse me, sir. You can't go like that. You need to go only up and down the block because you were a Rook. Only go diagonal, you were a Bishop. Dude, so anyway, you know, I think I deserve extra love because my dog died.

So I always think about that Larry David episode of career enthusiasm where he's like my, somebody died and everyone starts treating them better and he starts using it as an excuse. It's hilarious. Anyway, I'm going to the doctor to check my voice. Everyone starts treating them better and he starts using it as an excuse. It's hilarious. Anyway, I'm going to the doctor to check my voice. If I have nodes, it's like, dude, I don't want to have nodes. I don't want to have surgery on my voice. I don't want to have polyps. Um, anyway, I just talk too much, bro.

I just talk too much. bro. I just talk too much. I know it's my job. It became my job because I do it. And I do that fucking thing about Jordan being a teacher and fucking you come for the king, you best not miss. And the kid closing the door. I don't, I would like to understand why I think that that's top level funny. That's what I want to know. If I die, well when, right? Well, not everybody's died. So we don't know if everyone does die. But if there is

an afterlife and I get to ask somebody a question, I want to understand more fully. Like my friend Denzel Love, Denny Love, he asked me, he's like, why do you think you made it in comedy versus other people that didn't make it? And I just, without really thinking about it, I looked at him and I said, oh, I'm obsessed with it. And it came from a very honest place, and I am, because I think about shit like that and why it's so funny and I can feel why it's so funny but it's hard to explain why it's so funny sometimes when it's really convoluted and weird like that. But there is a feeling I get and I would like to know when I die if I can ask St. Peter, what is it about that

kind of shit that makes me think it's so funny? Is it something that's inherently funny, or is it something that has become funny because of my nurture? How much of it is nature, and how much of it is the way I was brought up dude I want to know I'm gonna go to the doctor that did my nose that fucking you know when I got this sign when I got the septal plasty and even now I can breathe, not really that much better. And, you know, people are like, well, 19 out of 20 people, it works. So I'm one out of the 20. So great.

Okay. Didn't really work. So I'm going back to that doctor, um, to go check the throat because Niall Horan went there and you know, uh, okay. You know, Ed, what's that big singer that was Ed Sheeran did it. He went there too. And Adele. Okay.

But for me, I still can't breathe. Oh, okay. I still can't breathe. Oh, okay. So Josh Groban can still... You bring me up on the fucking highest mountain. You raise me up on the fucking apex of the mountain. And me, I'm still sitting here all clogged the fuck up if I'm on my left side trying to go to sleep. Great. Okay. So remove nodes from Adele's shit. And she can still go on and kill it. And when I go in, my node, I still can't breathe. I said, okay, so I'm going to go in and I'm going to ask him what's wrong with my throat.

And if he tells me to take Prolisac, I'm going to fucking lose my mind. Cause it doesn't help. Cause I don't think it's, I, you know, I looked up nodes. Nodes is like bumps on your throat because from stressing and they say coaches get it. And I go go I'm basically a coach Coaches and teachers get it and I go that's me Singers I Go, you know basically right?

Basically, what is stand-up comedian is is a singer coach teacher And I'm just like okay also the weird thing with meta glasses is they don't even have things in your ear and you still hear the fucking stuff like it's in your head dude like and we're supposed to like did it just do something. Are you kidding me? It's closed. Oh There's your computer. Okay, I Know his voice, huh? Not mine Anyway, um, we got the new computer, right? Oh

It comes tomorrow dude, we're gonna have a new computer here it's on and poppin dude Hell yeah, man. I'm going to start to fake tan. I don't give a fuck. I'm going to be orange. I don't give a fuck. You think Trump's orange? I'm going to be an orange.

I'm going to be a goddamn traffic cone in a jacket, dude. You're going to see me. It's you're going to be like, what's that traffic cone in a jacket coming down? Oh, that's Chris. The fuck do I care, dude? I'm aggressive. I guess there are some songs that really make you want to like... If I put that Mario song on, dude, my wife's in trouble.

I'll tell you how much. She's just cooking fucking the already cooked turkey. Chris? Yeah. Is this the Fuji's? No. No, it's not. And I hope there are no vases around. Because if there are, get the fucking dustpan out. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I'm sorry, but I couldn't find information on why it's coming. Well, fuck you, dude.

I mean, what are you... What good are you, dude? Come on, Zuckerberg. Hey, Zuckerberg, you know? These are the hard-hitting questions I want... These are the fucking things I want to know. Not, what's the tallest building, you know? You could... you know?

Like, that's the example they give. Hey, Mehta, what's the tallest building, you know, you could you know, like that's the example they give Hey meta, what's the tallest building? It's actually in Dubai. It's this it's 2,000 feet long. You're like dude. Oh, alright That's so uninteresting Hey, hey meta Siri and Alexis Tell me why it's a common trope during an R&B music video that a guy or a girl throws a vase of flowers against a wall near a painting in slow motion. Fuck AI until it can tell me shit like that. Oh no.

You know. But hey, meta, is a square a rectangle and is a rectangle a square or whatever the fuck they're going to tell me. A rectangle is a square, but square is not a rectangle. Like the most boring motherfucker at a party. Just that's what meta is. Although I was watching event horizon, I put on this fucking shades and I said, Hey, I met a, what am I watching on TV?

And it said possibly event horizon. And I go, Oh boy, we're fucked. Cause it said possibly only I feel like for my sake, it knew what the fuck it was. You're telling me, you know, Lawrence Fishburne and, uh, Sam Neil, is it? They're on it. It met a nose. Oh, you're telling me you don't know it's their event horizon. It's not Jurassic Park.

Oh, oh, oh, where's the one in that one? Oh, it's not Othello. Oh, oh, oh, oh, where's the fish in that one? Oh, it's not Othello. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, we're saying that one. Oh, oh, is a boys in the hood. Oh, wait a minute. Oh, I don't think there's many white people. We're saying that one. Oh, yes, that's right. That's right. That's right. It's a fish burn.

Oh, is it the Matrix? Oh, no. We're sending that one, dude. Oh, no, Keanu plays more Neo. Oh, Keanu plays Neo. Oh, it's Keanu that plays Neo. Not Sam Neal. What the fuck is Sam Neal, by the way, besides Jurassic Park and Event Horizon? If he hasn't played Jude Law's dad, I'll fucking jump off of a building.

Pfft Is he in the fucking Covenant movie? No, not Covenant, that's the Alien movie, the Conclave. Is he in the fucking Covenant movie? No, not Covenant. That's the alien movie the conclave is he in conclave Sam Neill he should be in conclave. I just saw conclave is he in it. Oh He's not in it. He fucked up his agent fucked up on that one, dude Conclave came out and Sam Neill goes like this. What the fuck? Are you serious? Right fuck you're telling me hello yes boutique agency probably I've got a

fucking question for you so let me let me let's sit down let's talk about this all right what he's Australian or something New Zealand. New Zealand. Ah, how's it going? All right. Just fucking ask you a question. All right. Hold on.

Hold on one second. It's so fucking hot where I am right now because it's New Zealand. Let me ask you a question. All right. Let me call my fucking agent. It's four o'clock in the morning here first of all. I had to wait to fucking call a business hours. Let me ask's a question

Right finds all right now check this out right finds Stanley Tucci all right fucking John Lithgow all right now. Let me just point a picture for you, mate right John Lithgow right finds all right Stanley Tucci a fucking guy that I've never seen before playing archbishop to disco are you fucking serious mate are you fucking serious is he big in France where the fuck is he big? Mate, I was in Jurassic Park. Where the fuck is he, mate? Or was the Dark Day in a winter ozen? Mate? I probably played Jude Laws further somewhere, like in the New Pope or something like that. Mate? Are you fucking kidding me?

I've got a CA right now. Ah for fuck's sake they made it. That's what he said when the, when, what's it called? Conclave? When the conclave came out. Fuck Ray Fines. That's what he did when he saw the, ah fuck Ray Fines. Honey, set the alarm for 3.30 in the morning, I've got to call my boutique agency in LA. I've got to call Stein or Witsenbag. Set the alarm for 2.30, I've got to call Stein or Witsenbag. Hey Deborah, patch me through to Stein. Yeah, so Stein I've got a question for you.

Now let me point a picture, alright? So there's a, so Ray Fines, and I'm just gonna come right out and say it, Ray Fines, Stanley Tucci, fucking John Lithgow, oh fuck I was gonna say the guy who played the bad guy in the fucking season four of Dexter, whatever John Lithgow. I was going to say the fucking bed going ricochet that got Denzel Washington or hero end up, but I'm just like, but John, the name escaped me for a while. I was going to say the guy who played the fucking dead in the area in the

Henderson's TV show. But now I remember June Lithgow. All right. So let me just say uh... rai finds okay now this is just me painting a picture and i'm gonna come right out and say it but rai finds uh...

fucking stanley tuchi right? okay and june lithgow and oh check this out fourth billing a fucking guy i've never heard of or seen playing archbishop to disco when you know I can speak Italian and even if I can I can learn it

phonetically you know I can do that I've got near right I've been doing American accents my whole fucking career you know I can do it and you know I would have fucking taken a pay cut to work with Ray Fines, Stanley Tucci and fucking the dead from Arian and the Hendersons right? You know I would have done that, yet they got that fucking guy I've never seen before. So tell me this Stein, what the fuck am I paying you for? because it's been a long time since yeah uh that was the fucking

the dinner me man on that was a go there the dad the done then done it's been a long time since then Stein it's been decades hey Stein I want to whisper something to you I'm sorry honey she's sleeping it's 3.30 in the morning. Stein, listen. Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da That debris pitch me through down then don't do Don't think don't ring Then two decades Fuck him up on your phone Move over honey, but I'm sorry Then just fucking conks right out. Fucking Monoton Conk Live. Anyway. You know, it's just like...

What the fuck was I even... What started this? What I was talking about? Conk...Human Conk...Same Neil? Why did I start talking about Same Neil? Oh, Event Horizon? I'll watch the rest of it tonight. I didn't finish it. Because why? Because I ate fucking three cookies and a plate of pasta and I was fucking tired, dude. My dog died. What do you want from me? I heard somewhere along the way Event Horizon is good.

It better shape up is all I'm saying tonight. I watched Romulus. I watched fucking the substance. I watched conclave. I started event horizon event horizon, better shape up is all I'm saying. Conclave is not that great. Romulus crazy good. The substance crazy good. The Substance, crazy good.

Stein, Debra, pitch me through. Stein, I got something for you. How long ago was this? 25 years. Now let me ask see another question right finds still a tochi June Lithgow and another guy I've never fucking seen before When and now I'll take a pie cut Dude I

Mean okay, so that the Jordan saying the thing when the door closes and the fucking Mario I just want to know guy just absolutely squirting it on the side of the road. Those three things to me are just... Hey Deborah pitch me through to Stein please. Thank you. Stein, hey how's it going? Look I just want to sing you something right now. How long ago was this day and don't don't think don't don't think don't don't think don't think don't don't think what he's having is yet this right it was 27 years ago all right now let me let me just say something else to you right now right finds I don't know how long Stein hold on Stein Stein Stein. It's 2 30 in the morning here over here where I am Hold on Stein so Ray finds, okay?

Stanley Tucci all right now hold on no no I know I do know you know what's coming, but hold on one second All right, I want to say it because I want it. I want you to hear it out loud All right, sweetie. I'm sorry, but it's very you got it. I know you to hear it out loud. All right? Sweetie, I'm sorry, but it's very, you gotta, I know you're sleeping. So Stanley, so let me start over. Now I know you know what's coming, Stein. Hold on. I want you to hear it from the horse's mouth.

Rye finds Stanley Tucci cheek hold on Stein John let's get the fucking area in the henderson's in the name of those escapes may get in the last in the 11th era it fucking rolls off the tongue just like who's it that they're putting the pitch me back. Um, Ray Fines, Stanley Tucci, John Lithgow, and a guy I've never fucking seen before when you know I'll take a pay cut. Wow. Yeah. So I'm going to put you on hold for a second.

Yeah, don't just get this into hold music. Why? Because it was 27 fucking years ago. The biggest movie with the biggest director in the in the fucking world in the galaxy.

And I know I was in a rent even or I said, with the biggest director in the fucking world. In the galaxy, and I know, I was in or in, or even in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in,

or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in,

or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, or in, Okay, so. Go fuck yourself. Honey, move over. Just sleeping like a baby. Can't believe I never played Jude Law's dad. The fuck if I never played Jude Law's dad? I'm fucking basically Jude Law. I'm basically old Jude Law. What the fuck?

Have they never made me play? How the fuck did I ever play Jude Law? I'm fucking basically Jude Law. I'm basically old Jude Law. I'm basically old Jude Law what the fuck? mmm have they never made me play how the fuck did they not write me into the talented mr. Ripley playing Jude Law's dead the new Pope really Jude Law? Well, what the fuck was another old pope? Ah... Alright.

I'm fucking done, dude. Just come see me. I'm in Brea soon. I'm in Atlanta, I'm in New York, I'm in Boston, crystalia.com. Come see me on tour. Thank you very much. Love ya. And that's it. Thank you. Thank you.