Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 417. Verbal Manifesto

Episode Date: December 12, 2024

Get a shoutout on Congratulations: holler.baby/chrisdelia 🎤 MY SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is here: chrisdelia.com/god 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. This week Kristin fell off a ladder and Chris got into it with a 70 year old lady at the ER. Plus Kendrick Schulz beef, CEO shooters, and Jay Z's letter as read by Jay Z. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram, X, and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/chrisdelialive 𝕏 X: x.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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RUNK! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiaaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaia Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Um, yeah. Uh, hello? Yeah. So that's what's going on. Uh, we, I got, I finally got a new computer. Um, I'm all the way back here. Hold on. Let me move up here.

It's okay. Ah, that'm all the way back here. Hold on. Let me move up here. It's okay. Ah, that's why I figured it out. It's because of the chair. It's because of the rug and the chair trying to dampen the sound. We got to still, still got to dampen the sound a little bit more. We're going to get these things hung up, but it's a congratulations. Episode four 17, probably who knows could be four 18, but, um, and, uh, it, uh, is a, uh, you know, it's the year's coming to an end.

It is really coming to an end again, huh? The year, it just keeps coming to an end. And the years just keep getting quicker and quicker. And then you just keep, you know, before you know it, you're blinking the gears over and it is what it is. I'm wearing glasses right now because I do not have my contacts in because my eye is watering and won't stop watering.

Yes, dude, and it's been that way for three days. Yes, so that's great. So it's been that way for three days. That's fantastic, isn't it? And this is right off the heels of my throat, kind of finally getting better. And my nose has a huge infection in it. Yes, dude, your nose and throat.

Doctor, put him to work. So we put him to infection and I said, yes, dude, your nose and throat doctor put him to work. So we put him to work and he said, I go, cause you know, a lot of you guys have been, you understood that I've had an issue with my throat. Okay. Thought it was maybe cancer. Went to the doctor. He goes like this, Hey dude.

Well, first of all, I went to the doctor and he said, I said, um, got a thing with my throat and he, he said, cool, let me look into your nose. You know, it's like that thing where it's like, okay, you know, I get it. Do your, do your thing, but it's my throat that hurts. And I understand that people are like, you know, when they do acupuncture, it's like, Oh, you got a stomach ache. Oh dude, you got to go to the acupuncturist and they there's a spot in between your big toe and your, and your second toe. Where if they just, if they just stick a little pin in it, you end up passing

gas and relieving your stomach ache. And I, I'm like, all right, you know, okay. And they're, and then you're like, you try to argue with them, but they're like, no, you can't argue with it because it's ancient. It's ancient. It's from, uh, you know, old, old, old, old Asians used to do it. So you can't argue. And so you go, all right, fine.

Um, and I went to do acupuncture once and it didn't work. A S dude. And, um, so I, um, so he looked at my nose and he says, Oh, you got a huge infection in your nose. So I'm like, all right. It's just, and that's where your throat's burning. I said, huh? He said, because it, Oh, you got a huge infection in your nose. So I'm like, all right. It's just, and that's where your throat's burning. I said, huh? He said, because your, your post nasal drip keeps on dripping down and it gets

into the throat and your throat burns. And I said, okay. He says, so this is what I'm going to give you. I'm going to give you stuff to put in your nose. I'm going to give you antibiotics. I'm going to give you a mouthwash that you got to swallow as well. And I'm going to have you get something called Prevacid over the counter. So I'm taking four drugs.

So I go, okay, I took it. I'm two, three days into it, four days into it feeling great. Now here's the thing. I won't stop watering. So I, oh, well, I've okay. So we got the new computer and that, that means that there's two renders here. I had no idea. We, we, we usually, we used to have one, but now there's two in it because I got the new computer and that, that means that there's two renters here, I had no idea. We, we, we usually, we used to have one, but, uh, now there's two in it

because I got the new computer. Um, so I got my eyes watering. So I emailed dude, I'm the kind of guy that emails my optometrist. You understand me? I'm not the kind of guy. Look, I'll go in, I'll go in for an appointment, but I'm the kind of guy who emails and I don't mean I email the front desk at the optometrist like, Hey, I need an appointment. I email the doctor. I go, yo doc, dude. That's how cool I am.

Fuck yeah. I go, yo. Forgot. I go, yo doc. Um, my eye won't stop watering. Not sure what it is. What do I do? Um, my eye won't stop watering. Not sure what it is. What do I do? And he said, I've got an appointment for you Tuesday.

Why don't I send you antibiotics just in case if it clears up by Tuesday, don't come in. So I'm like, okay, get the antibiotics today in the morning, put them in my eye. So far put them in three times. Eye feels really good. We'll see tomorrow morning. Dude, so I'm just taking a bunch of drugs, man. And it's all legal, all over the counter.

No, sorry, all prescription or over the counter, because that's how I do it. But you know, he also told me to start wearing an eye patch. So my left eye would start getting, um, more connected to the, my brain. So, so today, doctor told me last time I was there, I said, no matter what my left eye is always, um, not as good as my right eye. I'll walk out of the optometrist, like walking on sunshine, okay? And two months later, my left eye goes like this. No, I need a new prescription.

So I'm like, what's up? Yeah. No. I just started, I'm five minutes in. I'm five minutes in. I'm five minutes in. My little eye minutes in. I'm five minutes in. My little eye thing. I wanted to ease into it, dude. Everyone's gonna hate you now because you're trying to dictate how the show's going. Look, my wife... Okay, look, I'm talking about my eye thing because I wanted to ease into the maladies.

This is a section that we do called maladies, and my shit was a malady and your shit was a near death malady, but it's fine. But so my eye is fucked up and I, what was I even talking about? I went to the eye doctor. Oh, and he told me I needed to start wearing an eye patch. So congratulations, you're fucking married to a pirate. So I have to get an eye patch and I have to wear it one hour a day for six months to get my left eye connected back into my brain because it's lazy dude because I have a lazy left eye It's not lazy like I'm not like one of those guys where you're telling a story

You know I'm looking at your ear, but like it's like lazy because it's not connected to my brain anyway And my wife almost died so it's like you know I Just started the fucking thing yeah, okay, well I want to get into it I want to ease into the maladies my ice my hey you know what thanks for coming in sweetie thanks for coming in um keep your water actually please I love you please come on please please please try not to bonk your head when you do it I am so here's what happened, all right? Before I got, you know, and we're just gonna actually,

yes, she interrupted my podcast and that's okay. I don't mind it. Dude, why? I'm a family man, okay? Why do I not mind? Because I'm a family man. And why do I not mind? Because I roll with the punches.

I fly by the seat of my pants. And also you can't blame my wife because she has a concussion. So she doesn't really know better anymore. You know, she could interrupt stuff, not even understand anymore. But it is pretty wild. So anyway, if you see me, you know what, dude, next week I'm going to do an eye patch. I'm going to go to CVS.

I'm going to get an eye patch. I'm going to get an eye patch. Thank you for the water, sweetheart. And baby, I am going to get into your... No, I'm glad you're happy about your eye patch. So I'm going to go to CVS and I'm going to get an eye patch. Thank you for the water sweetheart. And baby I am going to get into your... No, I'm glad you're happy about your eye patch. Yeah, so I'm going to go to CVS and I'm going to get an eye patch. I'm going to get it for my right eye dude because my left eye isn't connected to my brain. And when you see me, dude I'm gonna be like slick Rick. I'm slick Chris with the with the right eye

Dude, I'm gonna be like slick Rick. I'm slick Chris with the with the right eye Patched up to make my left eye work a little bit harder an hour a day and it's gonna be the hour of the podcast next week. So there we go So anyway, that's what happened and since we're on maladies and Since I was so rudely interrupted which is fine because I'm a film in and I wrote this Punches and that's fine by the seat of my pants. But since we're into maladies, I'll be in Brea. Well, actually I'll be in Brea coming up here at Brea California, chrisalea.com, Fresno, California, San Luis Obispo, San Luis Obispo, Covina, California.

I got a bunch of dates coming up chrisalea.com. I will also be in Santa Rosa, California, Stockton, Tacoma, Spokane, Washington, knows how to pronounce it, even though it's not from there, only been there once. Peoria, Illinois. I always wish to think of Little Shop Bahars when they go, Peoria and New York, and I will be in New York also. And I'm already in Texas and Dubuque, Iowa.

A lot of people were asking about my, God, I have so many dates here. Denver, Colorado, uh, Peoria date. It's not, their website isn't up yet. They're a new venue. So it'll be up, but go to chrisley.com and check out where I'm going to be. I'm going to be all over the place. Saskatchewan even, what is it? Um, Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, rename it, rename it.

And so, um, rename the city, rename the pro, whatever they call it, not a state, but a province, province, Providence, Providence, Providence, Rhode Island, I'll be there. Anyway, um, so here's the deal I have a wife that decorates a lot meh and I am basically well look look it's what the 9 ninth of December here, right now in this podcast. It's the ninth of December, okay? My significant other, my wife, wifey, my bride, right? She often gets ready for Christmas. She has actually gotten ready for Christmas

at the end of August before. It's happened, okay? That's a travesty, but she does it. I love Christmas. I love Christmas. I bet you don't know this about me. If you're a casual listener to this podcast, I love Christmas.

I feel so much joy during it. I hunker down. I get blankets and I'm a, I'm a, basically I'm a, I'm a cuda. I'm a straight up barracuda. I see, you know, it's like, I see Christmas, like it's that flashy watch and I go for it. Right. Um, and I love Christmas. So, uh, I'm down.

She's like, can I decorate early? I'm like, okay, fine. So we did it once. It was basically six months of the year. We had fucking candy canes up and I was like, yo, I'm down. She's like, can I decorate early? I'm like, okay, fine. So we did it once. It was basically six months of the year. It was, we had fucking candy canes up and I was like, yo, it's becoming, it's, you know what it is, it's diluting the specialness of it. So I said, let's not do it in August. Let's do it in September.

So she does it not November. This time we're in the new house. She started late. She started in like December. Cause we still are kind of like doing a lot for the house. So she's got, so, Hey, what the heck? She's got a work cut out for her because she loves to do it So she's always like I'm like, oh I walk into a room and she'll be like look what I did look and it's she'll Be like she like will be like painting two candy canes over the bathroom mirror

And I'm just like what the fuck are we gonna do for the rest of the year after December she's like I'll just take it down I'll paint it I'll repaint it I'll make it I want it to repaint it anyway so I'm just like okay so we have a tree in our courtyard and apparently it you know having no lights on it was not the Now does my wife always, there's a, hey guys, there's a place to put the car keys in my house. I created it. I created a safe space for my keys, for my car keys, for all the car keys in the house. That's such a safe space for the car keys for all the car keys in the house. That's such a safe space for the car keys. And it's the only place that you'd put it. You walk in, you look at it and you go, Oh, all the car keys are there.

Let's put the other car keys there. My wife doesn't use it. All good. It's always somewhere else like in her bag or under the table or near a sock somewhere. Ha ha ha ha ha. Why? She says she's got ADD. Okay fine.

Still, it's annoying. Hey, use the place. Right? Hey, dude, the Key family misses the Audi. Ha ha ha ha ha. Dude, the Key family misses the Audi. Where's the key? That's not what the family, where is it? Oh, in the paint, right? Like just somewhere, you know, where it shouldn't be.

I had to get Apple tags because of it. All good. All good. I got Apple tags because of, um, I good I got apple tags because of um I had to get apple tags I had to get for all the and the spare keys too because she'll lose all of them so I got the apple tags you're not amazing um put it up with the thing with all the things with all the uh you know put an apple tag in each of one of the things, in one of the keys and stuff. So I look outside, she's in the courtyard and she's decorating the tree. What the heck? Okay? And I'm

like, ah, let her do her thing. You know what I mean? At least I'm not being... At least I'm not doing anything wrong, right? Like, our husbands always like, as long as the wife's happy, right? She's doing her thing in her element all good. So I... Oh, thank you. Wow. How sweet of you. We fly by the seat of our pants. She gave me a brum in my coffee. She definitely poisoned it. So anyway, I'm just fall in at the mouth. So, um, so she, uh, is doing her thing with the, with the, with the tree, putting the lights in the tree.

And, uh, I walk, you know, she's doing it for hours, dude. That's the thing about ADD. You could just do something for hours right so i'm walking past the window and i look outside of the tree and there's a a ladder now i didn't know now look it's a tree okay i didn't know a ladder was involved with this however it's a tree so it makes sense that the ladder's involved with this. So I go, oh shit, now here's the other thing. She uses ladders a lot. She uses a lot. You know what I'd venture to say? She uses a ladder too much. She uses a ladder too much. Okay? So I'm like, you know, she's because she's always at the ceiling doing something or decorating.

So she's in on the ladder, uh, doing the, what do you call it? The lights on the tree. I'm walking by the, I'm walking by the window. I see the ladder is what the fuck the ladders a jar. Now I know that only makes sense with doors, but you know what I mean. Okay. What the fuck? The ladder's a jar! Now I know that only makes sense with doors, but you know what I mean, okay? It was a skew, laying up against the tree in a weird way, okay? So then I keep walking past the window, and then through the other window,

I see, hey, what the fuck, dude? Do you ever see your wife crawling? I saw my wife crawling through the doorway and I'm like what the fuck I say what are you doing and she says I fell down and I say what she's like I fell fell and I was like am I looking at someone who's actively passing out like I don't understand what's happening okay so? So she lays down, she's like, I hit my head, and I'm like, did you fall off a ladder? And she says,

Yes! Yes, she says yes. Now, she's on the ladder a lot. She always is like, I'm a gymnast, dude. And she was, she's a world-class gymnast, you know? She was like number two in her state or something and so I'm like oh shit okay I feel her head hey so hey dude there's a goose bump on it hey hey what the fuck it's the size of a fucking blueberry muffin huh it's the size of a blueberry

muffin was a Starbucks what the fuck so Sweet had a blueberry muffin on the side of her fucking head. And so I'm like, oh no. And she says, what do I do? And I'm like, well, if we don't go to the hospital and she dies, I'm going to feel real bad. So pack it up! Pack it up. I Google hospital and we go. We show up to the hospital and she's like, I can't really see well. I'm all blurry on my world spinning and I go, ah, she might die. I'm all blurry on my world spinning and I go, ah, she might die.

Fell off a ladder, fucking six, seven feet on the top of the ladder. And also her, she's five foot seven. So she's up there, dude. I had a head falling that far just, whoa, bonk. So we get to the hospital and get out and the security guy comes out and he says, what's the problem? And I say, my wife hit her head so we had to come to the hospital. And then he says, this isn't a hospital. And I said, what? And he said, yeah, they just do like surgery here and stuff.

And I was like, isn't that what a fucking hospital is? Hey, just do surgery on her head. And do surgery on her brain to make sure she stops using ladders. Could she get a want to use ladders removal? So I say, well, where's the hospital? He's like, nah, it's like a special kind of thing that like people come to to get so concerned. I don't know what the fuck. Honestly, I don't know what it was.

It was like a boutique fucking, I don't know what it was, but I'm like, well, where's the hospital? And the guy guy literally goes I never heard a guy go say this before but he goes like this oh I can't think of the name and I'm like dude you're kind of a hospital and you don't know where the hospital is? Ah, fucking... Hey! My wife's got a blueberry muffin on her head right now, sir. Please, point us to the direction of the hospital. So he finally is like... I- I Google it, I said, is this it? And he's like, yup.

So now, we're on our way to the hospital, for real. Dude, we get to the hospital. This is just fantastic. Okay? We get to the hospital, this is just fantastic. We get to the hospital, my wife thinks straight up, this is her last day on earth. And I think she'll probably be okay. But what the fuck do I know? I'm not the one who's jumping off ladders. I'm not the one going head first into the concrete.

I'm not the one possibly rupturing my L1. OK, so I. Get to the emergency room and I park in the red. Do you know why? It's the emergency room. I'm like, can I do it? But then I'm like, of course, again, it's emergency room.

My wife might die. I'm not going to look for parking, excuse me, while I crash into the front door and just, of course, again, it's an emergency room. My wife might die. I'm not going to look for parking, excuse me, while I crash into the front door and just, you know. Here she is. Get her. Get her out of the car. Use the jaws of life. I don't give a fuck.

Use the jaws of life. Cut through the door and then cut through the car. Get her. She's got to remove the blueberry muffin on her head. And then also make her stop using ladders, please. Is there a surgery that gets her to stop using the top rung of the ladders? And then when I say, please don't use the top rung of the ladders, she says, it's okay, I was a World

Cup gymnast. Please, is there a part you can remove in her brain for that? And so I get to the I take her out. We get to the ER, the waiting room. Hey, what? Oh, dude. Hey, the way, dude, is this an episode of Chicago Hope? Hey, is this is this an episode of Saint Dennis? Hey, is this an episode of St. Dennis? Hey, hey, is this an episode of ER? Hey, hey, is this an episode of House?

Hey, hey, is this an episode of The Good Doctor? Hey, hey, is this an episode of Chicago Med? Hey, hey, is this an episode of Chicago Med? Hey, hey, is this an episode of Grey's Anatomy? Hey, is this The Resident that was on FX and then Netflix? Hey, is this Royal Pain? Excuse me, is this Private Practice probably? I think it was a show. Hey, is this Doctor Odyssey? private practice probably. I think it was a show.

Hey, is this Dr. Odyssey? At Mazda, we craft cars for those who choose to do more than simply move. So choose joy, choose the road, and choose to get out there. Choose your calling, choose to get out there. Choose your calling. Choose to make memories and choose more of what moves you. Mazda, move and be moved. ["Bad Sweetheart"] This is an ad from BetterHelp.

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Get access to primetime dining reservations by adding your Visa Infinite Privilege Card to your OpenTable account. From there, you'll unlock first- first serve spots at select top restaurants when booking through OpenTable. Learn more at OpenTable.ca forward slash Visa Dining. Cause the waiting room was e-bitha. I mean it was popping off. There was like a guy with a fucking just jackhammer loaded into his head just like how long you been here for? He's like no

I don't know. It was like that Beetlejuice scene. I mean it is so packed. It's popping and then I realized it's Friday. Friday night the party's here in the ER and my wife fell off the ladder. Hopefully she won't die. Hopefully she kind of gets hurt though and learns her lesson. Um, she got a blueberry muffin on her head. She got a bruise on her hand the size of her blueberry muffin. It feels so good to be me because I'm not hurt. I'm not the one who used the ladder. Because I'm not hurt. I'm not the one who is the ladder. Um, so So now, uh I I say hey how how long is it gonna take for you to how I say to the person at the dad at the Thing I don't know the fucking thing. I'm like, hey, how long is it gonna take to make sure my wife isn't gonna die and

The lady says, ours. And I say, ah, how that can't be right. Because, because I can't, I can't die. Right? Because... Because I can't... I just can't die, right? I gotta make sure he's not gonna die.

And there's other people there in the... You ever... You go to the ER sometimes... Look, when I go to the ER, I wanna see motherfuckers... Bleeding... Uh, face down. I want throw up all over him, right? I want someone who doesn't have the right amount of limbs. Yeah?

Dude, this is most people in the ER. Right here. What's wrong with you? You have a toothache? Hey. What's wrong with you? You have a toothache? Hey, what's wrong with you? Did you stub your toe? Hey, dude, wait till tomorrow. Hey, hey, people are falling off ladders out there. Okay? What are you doing?

What are you, a fissure? Do you have an anal fissure? Hey, tomorrow, 9 a.m. my wife's falling off ladders. Okay, so now I was like, well how do we know that my wife isn't gonna, you know, there's no brain bleeding or whatever going on, and my wife is like so sketchy. She's like, I have brain, well, how do we know that my wife isn't gonna, you know, there's no brain bleeding or whatever going on. And my wife is like so sketchy. She's like, I have brain, what if I have brain damage? Like that's a fucking thing.

Like brain damage is like a thing that the doctor's gonna say like, well, you've been diagnosed with brain damage. You know, they'd use all sorts of big words for it. She's like, I'm just scared to have brain damage and I'm gonna be a mom with brain damage. And I'm like, stop saying fucking brain damage, dude. So finally we're like, well, how's your vision?

She's like, I can't, I'm so blurry. I'm on room spinning. They're like, oh, we gotta get you in sooner. Cause there's another guy who's got a fucking anal fissure and you can go before him. So we get in and now that we're in, I'm like, oh fuck, my car, my car's in the red, my wife's in good hands now, I can go move it.

Now I did say, no matter what happens baby, I'm not leaving you all night. But I double parked. So I was like, ah, baby, I actually got to go leave a little bit. And she was like, okay, it's fine. She has the doctor. So I go, now this is something that has never happened in my life. Do you understand? Do you understand? I have never, I have never done this in my life. And I can't say that anymore because I did it. And I feel bad. But also, if you're

gonna do it, that's the time to do it. This is the time to do it. When your wife might die. Okay. I go to move my car. Actually, what I do is I go to check on my car because I don't know what the fuck's going. It's still the ER or whatever. Everyone's double parked and stuff. So I go to move my car. I go look, check on my car. I see my car and I am like, Oh, you know what? I can move it. There's spaces that aren't too far. So I get in my car, I drive to a space. As I drive to a space, I guess I'm going a little fast. I don't know, probably because my wife's in the ER, okay? Probably because I'm not going to Whole Foods. Probably because I want to get to my wife, because this might be her final moments.

Okay? As I'm going to the parking spot, this 70-year-old woman is looking at my car, driving by. And she is going like this. Like this. Like this, like slow down. And I'm like, is this fucking, this is the, I'm like, this is the ER. Well, hey, maybe I need to be driving fast. I'm not going to Talbot.

It's ER. I'm not going to make a deposit right so uh she's going slow down and I look at her and I'm like is she really doing that and then right when I go to pass her this 70 year old woman goes like this like this like this with her face like this. And pumping it too, to really be like, fuck you. Right? Like, you know what it was, you know what actually what I thought of is that part in Shutter Island where the old lady is looking at Leonardo DiCaprio and she's just like,

you know, talking about that part in the previous preview and it's real scary. That's what I thought, because that's what she was like, only the angry version of it. You know, and so, uh, she's doing that and I'm like, did the fucking balls on this, first of all, to, to, to give someone the finger when they're driving kind of fast near an ER is... Wait, hold on. Dude, you see someone driving fast near the ER and you don't think, oh shit, something might be happening bad. I got to get out of the way.

Go fuck yourself, okay? Alright? Now, that aside, then you think, hey fuck this guy, and then you think, I'm gonna give him the finger, and you do that as a 70-year-old? Yo, that's crazy. So I'm fuming because I'm like this fucking shit. I roll down the window, park, and in from the parking space, I can see her. And I say to her very loudly, and this is the thing I've never done before.

And I cannot believe I did it. But if I was going to did it, but if I was going to do it, this would be the time. I can't believe I did this dude, but my intentions were high and I'm a good, I'm not a bad person. I know I'm really not, but this is what I said to her. I looked at her and I said, Hey, my wife's in the ER, you stupid bitch. I can't believe I called her that. But then I go, fuck it, you know, If I'm gonna call someone a bitch, dude,

I couldn't believe I looked in her eyes and I said, my wife's in the ER, you stupid bitch. Other people were around too. Oh my God, I can't believe I fucking did that. And then I ran by her, and as I ran by, she was looking at me like this. And then I said to her, I can give a fuck what you think like that. And I, and I went back in the ER and my wife is sitting there with a neck brace

on dude, and I'm like, Hey, how you doing? I'm like, you want some pretzels? I saw a vending machine out there and she's like, no, I'm good. And I'm like, you're not going to like what just happened. She's like, you want some pretzels? I saw a vending machine out there and she's like, no, I'm good. And I'm like, you're not going to like what just happened. She's like, what? Just hooked up to the. Oh, oh, oh. I just called a 70 year old woman up, stupid bitch. She's like, Christopher.

And I'm like, well, she kind of was listening to the story. I told her the story. She's like, I can't believe you did that. But why was she pumping the middle finger up at me? I've never, I've never, and I did. Now I can't say that anymore. That's my time that I did it, fine. And then that's the kind of thing too

where I'd be sorry lady, but also are you sorry too? You know what I'm talking about? I'm sorry now do you there's something else you want to would like to say to me though sweetie right that's me when I apologize I'm sorry now is there something that you would like to say to me though? Because my because my wife did that the other day to me she was like I, I am sorry, I am sorry about something. She was like, I'm sorry, and I shouldn't have done that. And I said, thank you, I appreciate that.

And she said, do you have something, are you sorry about your part of it? And I was like, you know, nah, I don't really think what happened in my end was that wrong. Oh, fuck, you might as well just say sorry, dude. Next week is fucked. I don't know, man.

I lost my thing. Can you pull it up again? The thing. You know, the page where it has all the stuff on it. You know what I'm saying? What I'm saying? So yeah. It's pretty crazy how this United,

what is it called? United healthcare guy. It just is, got assassinated, dude. He so looks like a guy that would get shot too, which is crazy, but that has nothing to do with anything. They think they found the killer, they got him in custody, which they better have, they better be the guy, because if it's not, the guy's fucked, you know?

First of all, his name's Luigi, which is crazy. To have the name Luigi in 2024, in America is insane. Luigi in 2024 in America is insane. Um, this will be, this will be, yeah, the story will be old by the time they come because whatever we do it, it'll be a few days old. Um, but they got him and the, the internet's gone crazy because you know what? Look, this whole thing about him getting this, the CEO getting shot and then the guy that did it with a silencer and then they like drove on the bullets,

which is crazy. How the fuck did he fit the whole word defend on a bullet, by the way? Like, you know, like those guys who draw art on a piece of rice. He's just like one of those guys. And so Luigi Mangione. Eh? S- Italian.

What are you gonna do today, Luigi? I'm gonna kill the United C-E-O healthcare guy. I'm gonna kill the guy who's in charge... of healthcare. I'm gonna kill it the guy who's in charge of a health care I Get emotional get the silencer get a silencer Get the bullets and get a pen. I need to write on these bullets He appears in court already, but Luigi Mangioni, um, he had a gun on him and he had

a backpack full of monopoly money. Just a fucking straight up like loon, like a, uh, like a duck tails, like a bad guy from duck tails and, um, he was eating at McDonald's, they caught him, which is weird, which is pretty fucking weird, honestly, to be so concerned with healthcare and also be eating at McDonald's. But so he went to, he got caught, this guy. And I don't like the way the internet was being with this whole thing.

It's annoying and I'll tell you why. I understand there's corrupt shit from the top down and you know, healthcare companies aren't exactly going to be, you know, if you look into them, they're not going to... Everyone does shitty things, okay? I get it, right? And down powerful people powerful people and all that shit I understand and it's and it's you know people feel like they're slighted and some people are and apparently this Luigi Mancione was But everyone was like oh he shot a guy in power we love him he's hot and They only were telling that because of his smile because that's all they got from the surveillance footage

Was the smile because he was all like, you know hidden And with a hood and a scarf and all that shit and then the jacket popped off online There was like similar jackets that like the sales spiked from for the jacket. He was wearing which is just crazy It's just insane and and he killed someone, you know, and people and women and gay guys were like, this guy's hot. And then and then when we found out who the guy was, we saw pictures of him and everyone is just like, hey, dude. Gay dudes are just like, uh, quick, Luigi Maggioni lookalike contest in my bedroom pronto.

And. quick Luigi Magione lookalike contest in my bedroom pronto. And, um, I'll say he's hot, you know, he's for sure gay, you know, because you can tell people are gay by the pictures they take. And I don't mean by what they're wearing or what they're not wearing. I mean how their head is cocked. He said it. Dude, here's a picture of a straight guy. Here's a picture of a gay guy. Right? The smile or the cocked head.

There. That's a gay move right there. Did they be in a still like this? Or a woman. So Luigi Mangione, fucking had a silencer on him. Loved the... Why do they always have to write manifestos, man? I guess if you know your moment is coming, you want to have... It is crazy though, when you shoot somebody, or you blow someone up, you gotta have a manifesto, right? Can you just write a manifesto and not kill someone? What is it if you write a manifesto and you don't kill someone? Is it even called a manifesto? Or is it just like, you know, ah, those are my notes.

Those are my notes until I kill someone and it's a manifesto. I'm writing a fucking manifesto, dude. Let me look at what a manifesto is. Manifesto. Definition. Here we go. A manifesto is a written document that probably declares the intentions, views, or motives of its author.

Okay. Okay. So basically this podcast, this is a manifesto. It's a written statement, oh, it's written. Okay, well then AI can write it out, but basically this is a verbal manifesto. This is my verbal manifesto. It's a written statement that outlines a person

or group's beliefs and how to plan a trip. So this is a verbal manifesto and we are a cult. You know that. Manifestors can advance a set of ideas. Our ideas are, well, it used to be sucking and fucking, and now it's just kind of like clearheadedness and freeing our minds and, you know, not end of the world shit like a lot of cult stuff, but manifestors can address any topic. We love that, dude.

I love that because I don't like to talk about important issues. I like to talk about the important issues behind the important issues. Right? Uh, synonyms of manifestos include creed, the band and mission statement. And that's cool. Uh, can address any topic, but they most often concern art, literature, or politics. I say politics is a big one, not for us though. Anyway.

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You can now make the first move or not. With opening moves, you simply choose a question to be automatically sent to your matches. Then sit back and let your matches start the chat. Download Bumble and try it for yourself. Want to become up to 50% wealthier? and let your matches start the chat.. Opening an account is quick and easy. Switch to Quest Wealth Portfolios today and keep more of your money. Conditions apply. Well, how about this dude? The mail bomber. Oh, this is the sentence. Okay. Wait, how long was the Unabomber's manifesto? Unibomber, bomber, manif... Oh, it's definitely cool that the first thing I'm Googling on this

computer is Unibomber manifesto. That's great. Government's locked in right now. Uh, how many pages? How many pages? How many pages is this? How many pages? Okay.

Now that at least, at least I got how many pages is Googled googled some people after I was like, oh, he's just fucking autistic How many pages 60 80 pages 80 pages 80 pages He did say some smart shit, which was crazy. He was a genius, but then he blew up that fucking building So it's like, oh, fuck. Guys good looking, huh? Luigi Magione. The new Kendrick Lamar album is really good. Okay.

It's really good. And the people were talking about the line in it where he says, comedians don't make fun of black women. White comedians don't make fun of black women. That's law or whatever that line is. He doesn't specify who he's talking about, okay? I first came to know the lyric, first of all, I heard the album,

I didn't even catch the lyric. But the lyric I found out through Gary Owen's page, Gary Owen the comedian who is, you know, in the black circles of comics, he's very funny and but he's a white guy. And so he posted he was like Kendrick Lamar said this. He's like, who's this about? He's like, oh, man, I'm I'm guilty of this. Like, you know. Being funny and shit.

Fine. And then another comedian said something about that. Who was it? Another comedian, a white comedian that said something about that. Who was it? Another comedian, a white comedian that said something about that, about how to talk about, oh, now so he's referencing Bill Burr or something he's married to a black woman or something.

Anyway, then Andrew Schultz was like, oh, he's talking about me. Which he didn't, which I was like, oh, I don't know what he's talking about. I don't know, I don't know what Kendrick Lamar's talking about. I don't know. I don't know what Kendrick Lamar is talking about. I don't know if there was a specific thing. I still don't know if there was a specific thing or what or if it's just like a general thing and then

Andrew Schultz Made this podcast of course that talked about hey Kendrick Lamar said this thing about me Because why wouldn't he? You know? And then, uh, he was like, he made a, what is this? Uh, he, he, he, I don't know. It's, I used to, I, it's just, he didn't, here's the thing. There's two things weird with it to me.

Kendrick Lamar didn't say anyone's name in the lyric. Okay. weird with it to me. Kendrick Lamar didn't say anyone's name in the lyric, okay? So if I thought it was about me, I'd go like this, oh fuck, well, oh you got out of that one, you know? I, I, but maybe he is talking about Schultz. So maybe he is. If he is, then I would think, say he's, say would think, say he was talking about me. I would think, oh maybe he's not talking about me, number one. Number two, I would think, oh he's probably joking, right? Like what the fuck is he talking about?

And then I might be like, say something silly about it on a podcast. But Schultz went all in and you know, he went all in and he was making jokes about him saying I you know yeah your bodyguards could kill me but I could fuck you if it's just me and you in a room it's jokes it's it's all jokes okay whether you like them or not it's jokes so now a lot of black Twitter and black people are like, he meant this as a racist thing. They used to buck break slaves and do. I don't know what, I don't know what buck breaking is. Okay.

I don't know what that is until now. Right. It's apparently white slave owners used to fuck the slaves. This world is just a mess, you know? But like, uh, and so everyone's mad, there's a bunch of people who are saying like, fuck this dude for saying this, he's being racist. And I don't, look, everything is a joke.

The whole thing was a joke. If Kendrick Lamar was talking about Andrew Schultz, from jump, Schultz was joking. Then Kendrick Lamar said the thing, assume he's just rhyming, rapping. Like how many words rhyme? He made the words rhyme about, oh yeah I could do that thing, that's law. And so there, it rhymes. So yeah, it just fit in there, and it's kind of, you know. And I'm not saying who it is, so fuck it. And then, Schultz comes back, starts saying more jokes, and then... People are like, you know what? Fuck this motherfucker. I hope people are just literally like, I hope somebody punches this dude in the face.

All, all... it's whether you like it or not, it's all fictitious. All of it. It's all jokes. People are like oh this is Charlamagne's fault for cosign dude it's just it's jokes whether you know whether you like it or not people get so bent off their own issues because of shit that people say and guess what they also don't even give a fuck that you said it even though they're pretending like they do they don't care because they just type it out on Twitter and then they go to the grocery store they don't go to fucking follow up the Internet's corny it's not real life.

And we don't even know if that's who we meant. I just think it's like, you know, sometimes you make jokes and people just take them though. If it gets enough viral attention, people are just like, oh, fuck that, you should make jokes about this. And it's like, dude, you can't be the arbiter. Remember George Carlin got arrested for fucking saying words on TV, like saying swear words on TV or whatever. He just got straight up got arrested for saying like, pussy fart or whatever the fuck. George Carlin every like 20 minutes in his act would just be like, pussy fart. You know what's a funny be like, pussy fart.

You know what's a funny word? Pussy fart. Um, but yeah. Oh, Merry Christmas. Jaris from Andorra. Also get the world's greatest Christmas gift for that hard to buy, uh, man in your life, thirstyirsty Goose Portable Urinal. Funny and practice. Christmas sale now only at ThirstyGoose.co.

That's what it says. That's what they said to say. Practice. Even though they probably meant practical. So go to holler dot baby slash. What is it? Crystalia color dot baby slash crystal. Yeah, if you want a little little shout out right there Shout out to Michael Martis your girl loves you. I hope you have a great day That's a holler there hollered up baby slash crystal deer. There you go. Get a shout out. The Bermuda's new album Black Friday out now. Tune in all you babies. Bump it in the goose shit. The trifecta of dopeness. Wow this is this what this person said not me. The Bermuda Black Friday streaming Everywhere. There you go. It's a holler. Trifecta of dopeness makes me want to fucking saw my head off, but that's fine.

I say a lot of stupid shit too. So it's been three days and Kristen's head is like just throbbing and her body is fucking all messed up. Her back and her shins and shit. Just falling off a ladder. How did she not get paralyzed? You know what I'm saying? Hey dude, falling off a ladder is like this. GONK! Thank God she's young, you know, if she was fucking, oh, if my dad or mom fell off a ladder, donezo, donezo, dude. No funeral, just leave them there.

That's how donezo. Ah, donezo. Dude, I, I, I, if I ever get killed, I hope someone says, donezo, right afterwards, because I'll be dead. I don't give a fuck. You know, what's the legacy? It doesn't matter. It was his legacy just because somebody made it up because it's an ego. You're fucking dead, Mike Tyson.

Talk to that fucking nine year old. Got a new fucking computer. I'm killing it, dude. Got the fucking new computer. What's up, man? I'm killing it dude So I don't know what's going on here Terrell's frith is done with the tour she made 65 trillion dollars 21 month tour I Like what people are like to say say to me. They're like, when's your tour done? And I'm like, I just kind of got to keep going cuz I I gotta make money

What It doesn't end. Hey, dude This is a never-ending tour Hey, dude. Hey. Hey, dude. I I've been to Cranston. Hey Bubba, hey, I've been to Reading, both of them. The one in Northern California and the one in Pennsylvania. Hey Bub, Bub, I've been to Fort Myers, Tampa, Orlando, St. Petersburg, and Jacksonville.

Hey, Bob. Hey, Bob, it doesn't end. You know why? My wife keeps ordering stuff from Amazon. Okay, so here I come Cranston. I've been to Sudbury. That's a place. So Taylor Swift's era tour came to a close Sunday night, capping off nearly two years of sparkly outfits, this person says on NPR. Yeah, she's not that good of a dancer. I was wondering you know what I'd rather be a great songwriter or a great singer and then I heard you know look obviously you know you got

Elton John who's a great songwriter and he's got a cool voice but you know you wouldn't be like he's not Mariah Carey right? Billy Joel great songwriter and he's got a cool voice, but you know, you wouldn't be like, he's not Mariah Carey, right? Billy Joel, great songwriter, he's not Mariah Carey. You know? He sang that fucking, we didn't start the fire, but he just was kind of just listing stuff, right? Like I thought when I was a kid, we didn't start the fire was the shit.

We didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning. That's the singiest part of the song Otherwise, he's just saying Joe DiMaggio and stuff and like front page news things But it's like if they re-up if they if they updated we just sort of are you know how stupid it would be? I show speed fucking jumping over Lamborghini's. Yeah, just The doodoo doodoo doodledoo doodledoo. Handsome guy shoots CEO.

I just beat jumps over Lamborghini. The doodledoo doodledoo doodledoo. We didn't start the fire. P Diddy Jay-Z. By the way, dude, the Jay-Z shit. Are you kidding me, dude? First of all, the Diddy shit. Everyone was like, wow, dude, this, you know, dude? First of all the Diddy shit, everyone was like, wow dude, this you know finally, I guess, I didn't know this, but people were like, oh yeah, finally it's about time.

Jay-Z in the background just just straight up fucking, who'd it get? Diddy? Dude, just Jay-Z straight up. What happened? Another woman for Diddy? Who's that? Every time the phone rang for Jay-Z straight up, what happened? Another woman for Diddy? Who's that? Every time the phone rang. For Jay-Z. Gotta get a Google phone, man. They contract these iPhones. Hey Jay-Z, phone call for you.

Anytime he gets a text from a fucking number that isn't in his phone, you know? So it's just like, uh, now there's this lawsuit that Diddy said, you know, that guy, I don't know, like 150 women are in a lawsuit for Diddy, but yeah. But Jay-Z, they go, one of the ladies was, well, I guess she was a girl back then, she was 13, I don't know, I don't know who it is, I didn't raise a thing, but they were like, oh yeah, Jay- Z was a part of it too cut to Jay Z at home and um Jay Z just goes he put out a statement he was just like nah I'm different man yo actually go to the police. I'm different. I sell drugs.

I don't operate like you. He still was kind of being smooth with it even in his fucking statement. Unfortunately, they try to, what did he do? Jay-Z statement. Let's look at his statement. Jay-Z statement. Jay-Z statement. This is great.

This is great. This is great. I, by my first two things in the computer were a, uh, uh, a unibar manifesto and JZ statement. Um, uh, that's great. Here we go. Uh, he writes, what did he write here? Here we go. Like he has, wait,, who did they say about the fucking thing? I like that he used, you know what I like that he used exclamation points, it's hilarious, like it's a comic book. Yeah, so they trying to scare me, pow!

In a statement addressed to CNN Carter called the allegations so heinous in nature that I implore you to file a criminal complaint, not a civil one, two exclamation points. That's grammatically incorrect. You're only supposed to use one always. Uh, whomever will commit such a crime against him, I should be locked away. Would you not agree? Like he said, a concert.

agree like he's at a concert it's crazy though dude there the effort was meant to scare the plaintiff and to discredit counsel oh Oh wait, that's what the other guy said. Um, it's so weird that, uh, this is, these are the times, you know, where's the, uh, images here? I want that. I want that here. Here it is. Oh wait, no, I want the fucking, these allocations are so heinous. Here it is. I want the fucking... these allegations are so heinous. Here it is.

I think this is it. Come on, man. Well, if we thought it was the hawk to a girl. My lawyer received a blackmail attempt, called it the ban letter from a lawyer named Tony Busby. What he had calculated was the nature of these allegations and the public's scrutiny would make me want to settle. No sir, he said, dude. Oh, so Jay-Z. No sir. It had the opposite effect. It made me want to expose you for the fraud you are in a very public fashion. So no. And this is the part where he starts getting a little bit rappy, right?

I will not give you one red penny. Penny the where's the part where it gets a real like a rapper here did this part right here this is right here I have no idea how you have come to be such a deplorable human mr. Busby but I promise you I have seen you come many times over I'm more than prepared to deal with your type. You claim to be a marine? Marines are known for their valor. You have neither honor nor dignity Fucking bars dude That one guy got released or got found not guilty though the white dude who choked out that black guy because and that's I guess that's the end of BLM now because I guess the guy was acting crazy and he was on a subway and so this dude just like kind of like choked him a little bit and ended up killing him and they found out that it wasn't, uh, he wasn't guilty.

I don't know how they fucking did it, but he was a Marine and look, just don't go acting crazy in the subway, right? If you're going to act crazy somewhere, don't have it be in a subway. There's too many people there. I just wish people would be crazy on their own time. Be crazy alone, right? A lot of people are, people who are crazy alone, they're crazy alone until they fucking write a manifesto and then they go and they shoot some CEO or

they bomb a building. So that's the problem with being crazy alone. You need to let it out at some point. I just feel like, uh, world's only getting crazier at least my thoughts getting better I appreciate y'all listening I'll be in Cranston go to chrisley.com that's where I'm having it I'll be in Saskatoon I'll be in New York and I'll be in Denver a bunch of different places go to chrisley.com to get tickets

that's it for YouTube. If you want to watch the rest of the Patreon, there are episodes watched on Patreon. patreon.com slash christaliah. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.