Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 418. You're Welcome For The Tchotchkes

Episode Date: December 19, 2024

Get a shoutout on Congratulations: holler.baby/chrisdelia 🎤 MY SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is here: chrisdelia.com/god 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. This week we've got the new Dexter show, the farthest east Eastern European woman, grocery shopping, and hot chicken that's too hot. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram, X, and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/chrisdelialive 𝕏 X: x.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

the NBA. Bet MGM authorized gaming partner of the NBA has your back all season long from tip off to the final buzzer. You're always taken care of with the sportsbook born in Vegas. That's a feeling you can only get with Ben MGM and no

matter your team, your favorite player or your style, there is something every NBA fan will love about that MGM download the app today and discover why that MGM is your basketball home for the season raise your game to the next level this year with that MGM

a sports book worth a slam dunk and authorized gaming partner of the NBA that MGM dot com for terms and conditions must be 19 years of age or older to wager Ontario only please play responsibly if you have any questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an

advisor free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Bumble knows it's hard to start conversations. Hey. No, too basic. Hi there. Still no. What about, hello handsome? Ugh, who knew you could give yourself the ick? That's why Bumble is changing how you start conversations. You can now make the first move or not.

With opening moves, you simply choose a question to be automatically sent to your matches. Then sit back and let your matches start the chat. Download Bumble and try it for yourself. W's Classic Breakfast on now, Dining Only until 11 a.m. Runk. Yeah, Brea, I'll be there soon. Brea, California, Fresno, California, San Luis Obispo, Covina, California. Got a bunch of California dates coming up. And then I got Tacoma, Spokane, Peoria, Illinois, Dubuque, a bunch of different places. Lubbock, oh Denver, Cranston, Rhode Island. I don't know, man, where is that, you know?

Dates at chrisley.com. And this is the new episode of Congratulations. Um, I, we got, we had, so the last two episodes or three episodes, we were trying a new camera and the One Fire didn't know how to use all the functions to of it or something. It's all blurry and shit. So I made the executive decision to use the old camera and now I look absolutely fricking amazing. Thank gosh, dude.

The bags under my eyes are still there, but as a Christmas gift, One Fire got me an eye mask. So that's what I'm going to be doing that. So I'm going to start looking really great. I'm a crypto guy now, but I'm going to be a crypto guy. I saw that Bitcoin thing on Netflix and that guy was just made $32 million illegally, I'll never understand crypto. Dude, crypto is one of those things where it's just like, I'm going to go, we're going to find out that we live in the matrix, right? And then we're going to die eventually.

And then God is going to be like, we're going to be like, Hey, what, what the heck was the deal with the matrix thing? Like, why did you have us live in the matrix and not actually be walking around in real life? And we were just plugged in these little pods and just catatonic while our minds ran rampant in the matrix. Why did you do that? And how did you, how come you didn't let us know? And he's going to be like, I tried to let you know what the crypto thing How the hell would that work? And I'd be like

What do you mean and he'll say well explain to me what crypto is and I'll say uh, it's like digital money That like gets more and stuff. He's gonna be like see Of course, it's not real. Of course you're in the matrix. What is that? Explain a cell phone. And I'm gonna go, oh, well, you could talk to someone, right, and where is that person? Anywhere in the world.

Right, explain that, dude. Okay, and he's gonna be like, see? And I'm gonna be like, you're right, I should've known. We were in the Matrix the whole time. Those, none of those things make sense. Why did I make some people, he's gonna be like, explain why I made some people so good looking and some people so ugly.

Do that, why would I do that? Oh, yeah, I guess it's really unfair. See? Oh yeah, yeah, I guess it's really unfair. See? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. You basically eat the same stuff as Eric Griffin. Why does his body look way different than yours? Yeah, I get it, I got it, I get it. Cool, go to hell now.

No, please I. So, yeah, you know, I don't know, but I guess Bitcoin is at 106. God, I know the thing about it is everyone's always like, I wish I got in earlier. And I do too, dude. You know? And I know, I know I just really wish I got in earlier. Well, and that's fine, dude.

It's just, it's, uh, why didn't I have the foresight, dude? Gosh, man. Why didn't I do have the foresight? That's why I want to have the foresight for everything else that comes my way. Right. And then it's like, you try, but you don't know what to have the foresight about. You go, Oh, you go, oh, NFTs? All in.

Yeah, nothing, right? Oh, and then you just got a picture of an ape that somebody drew. And also, you don't have it. Oh, what else? Oh, the, the, uh, well, how about the, uh, the metaverse? What? What?

Oh, okay. Where's that now? It's been three years. What? It's been six years. What's up with that? The meta. Where are we now?

We're, we're not in it yet. Right? I got the meta glasses, but it's nothing. I'm just saying, what's the thing you need to use the foresight on? Anyway, you know, I feel good today. I started watching. Here's what I did actually last night.

So I go, I'm driving down, first of all, this is a few weeks ago, I'm driving down Sunset Boulevard, you know. I look up and there's a billboard for Dexter. And I just out loud say, again? Right? Because that show has been on for too many times. And I don't mean it's been on too much. I just mean what's going on. Make all of the seasons

after each other, dude. Make one and then another one and then another one, another one. It's like they make a Dexter for eight years and then they go all done. Then five years later they they're like psych here this one actually and then you're like oh okay don't disregard the other one and like nah nah nah you're like okay and then they go hey four years later psych another one oh okay well isn't Dexter like now 55 and then you you go, oh, it's about prequel. OK, so a different person is playing Dexter. Well, wow, tough shoes to fill.

And then you say and then it says narrated by the guy who played Dexter in his mind. So you're like, OK. You know, I'll watch. I'll watch the new one, I guess, and it's a new kid playing it. He plays Dexter as a 20 year old, but the actor is 30. And you're like, I don't know why they, well, before I even get into the new Dexter original sin, but it's like, Dexter was a great TV show. Okay. I watched it until like,

what is it? Year five, whatever season five, whatever season it was that Julia Stiles was in it, I was like, oh, this is what happened to this show, right? No hate on Julia Stiles, I like her, but it's just, you can't keep up a show, you can't ever keep going, right? You can't have 11 seasons on a show, OK, because it's just going to be bad. Because what it's like, it's why this podcast is fucking shit right now,

because I've already said everything. OK, all the characters in this podcast you already know about. They've been explored. I've been explored for fucking four hundred and twelve episodes, dude. All right now, I'm in my Dexter original sin era. So I'm like all right I'm gonna watch the new Dexter original sin it's about this him getting older as a kid, coming up and becoming a serial killer.

I'm like, oh, that's kinda interesting, right? And then in my head I go, they're gonna fuck it up. And then I go, well, Chris, don't be like that. Don't prejudge it. It might not be. So I say, okay. And then I say, but why is he doing the voice in his head when there's another character that's gonna be him?

It doesn't really make sense. It's a guy with a different voice. And then they say, well, that's gonna be him? It doesn't really make sense. It's got a different voice and they say well But it might be nostalgic if you actually watch a show and you hear his voice and you put something okay All right, you know what? Hey, you know what? Let's be open-minded. So last night I put on Dexter original sin It's bad. Dude, it's, uh, it's bad. Here's the deal. It's the acting is good. They're all good.

Some of the people are like a young version of the actual guy. It's like crazy. Like the guy who plays Batista, Batista or whatever, oh my god it's him dude just younger and I'm like that actor is cool and the dude who's playing the Asian dude you know it's like they're good but then at some points it's like they're doing impressions but then it's like dude I wish they would just they had Dexter be like have long hair in the beginning because they always do that you know if they do prequels or if they're like way back when, you gotta have the character have different hair,

otherwise it looks too much the same and people are idiots who are watching it and we gotta trick them, even though they know... like we already know it's fake. So just put the guy in there. We know it's not him in chronological order. So just put him in there. As a matter of fact, have the guy who played Dexter, the original one, have him be in it in high school. I don't give a fuck. You know, it's all fake.

That's why I don't like when in like biopics, when it's like, you know, especially when it's people that, like if it's a very, very well-known figure, like Michael's, if it's a, a, a very, very, uh, well known figure, like Michael Jackson, if you're going to make a biopic about Michael Jackson, I get it. You're, you're gonna get a black guy who then you're going to make them look whiter, you're going to pinch his nose a little bit and you're going to be like, Hey guy, high pitch your voice, right.

And starve yourself. And, and, and we're going to, we're we're gonna, you're gonna be Michael Jackson, right? But I don't like when it's like a guy in a biopic that nobody knows who they are, and it's just an interesting story, and now the person is famous because of the biopic, and it's like, well, we gotta get everything correct. We gotta make sure his nose and his, no you don't, dude.

We don't know what the fucking guy looks like, man. Just have Leonardo DiCaprio be the guy. No prosthetics. Who the fuck is Frank... You know what I mean? Who the fuck is Frank Chinowitz? Dude, we don't know. You just made a movie about a guy who has an interesting story about it. Okay, so then put fucking Jeffrey Rush in it. No prosthetics. We don't know what the fuck guy looks like. Okay, so then put fucking uh, Jeffrey Rush in it. No prosthetics. We don't know what the fuck guy looks like. So it's like, Oh yeah.

Well, when we're going to do, uh, uh, I don't, I just don't like the whole make it real looking. So it's like, so they, so, so they, so they, so they show us Dexter. Now this is a new actor playing it early on in his career and they have him be young Dexter. That's fine if you want to recast and not have Dexter, the original Dexter be the guy, but then it's like don't have him have fucking stupid fake long hair. Hey! Just it doesn't matter. Now I'm looking at a fucking guy, it looks like he was cross-bred with a cocker spaniel. His hair looks ridiculous.

And now every time I watch it, I'm like, his hair. And then at the end of the episode, of course, they cut his hair, because they want to show you, like, oh, okay. And he does look more like Dexter. And the actor's good at it. But it's like like done badly. You don't need to push it. Make the show like you never made Dexter before. Yes, dude. Fuck, I'm smart.

And that's it. Don't know. And this will be cute for the audience to know about Metsuka or whatever all his name is. You don't know. I don't like that. But, so I started watching Dexter again. I watched the first episode and then like a, like a, like a bitch, because I'm pissed off, I go, oh, next up, click no.

Paramount Plus only puts out one at a time weekly. Didn't mean that actually, meant for a shitty one. Um, I guess. Isn't that amazing? Because they shouldn't. Didn't mean that actually meant meant for a shitty one I Guess you're not amazing because they shouldn't because hey streaming TV is streaming TV, dude Bingeable you made streaming TV. We all got happy and now you're going back to appointment television Fuck you, dude. Put them all out Put them all out.

So now I gotta wait every week? Oh dude no oh and the show's not that good. Okay so then you know what I'm just going back and I'm watching a Dexter the original Dexter and then I turn on Dexter and I go... I go in total benders in Assassin's meme I go oh yeah oh yeah and not only was the show great it's better than I even remembered and And I go, Antoine de Banderas, Assassin's meme. That's me, dude. And I had my wife watch it and I go, how about this show? Huh? And she was like, I already saw everything, but I forgot everything. And I'm like, did you forget everything?

Or were you actually doing 900 projects during when you were watching it? Cause I remember who the ice truck killer was. Uh, anyway, but that music. Ian, that didn't land in that ring. Did that. Um, the Dexter shit. That'd be great to be making love on an iPod shuffle and you'd be really hitting it with some baby face music.

And then all of a sudden it goes to the Dexter. This podcast is just sounds. Um, so, uh, yeah. This podcast is just sounds um, so, but I wanna be a crypto guy. I'm chilling. I was thinking about people who like, I was thinking about the biopic first thing and then like the hot actors or actresses that have to think they look ugly to be a fucking ugly person on screen, which is annoying, or like a fat suit. It's like just, or even worse, gain the weight. Dude, hey, chill. Acting is so, such a bullshit job that you need to make it harder, you know?

Like that's what... Like Kristen Bale is like, it's not that hot, huh? Or it's not that... Welsh, whatever Welsh is. It's not that hot. Whatever the fuck it is. And he's just like, I guess I gotta fucking be real skinny for this one. Joaquin Phoenix is like, yeah.

Ah, dude, I guess I gotta be fucking fat for this one, I guess. You know, ah, dude, hey, I'll just rip my hair out for this one. Yeah. And it's like, dude, just, we don't know better. Why does bow in bow is afraid to have to be fat? A guy. This is made up. Um, oh, that's windows open. That's all right. So I'm just like, you hear the plane? Wow. So I'm just like, uh, thought of plastic surgery and I'm like, plastic surgery is wild because I think about it in different ways.

Like if I look at a naturally good looking person, and I guess, I guess I'll say woman because that's what I'm attracted to, not men, but you know, whoever, this isn't limited to women, right? Whoever, this isn't limited to women, right? If I look at an attractive, natural beauty, there isn't better than that, right? Looks-wise in the aesthetics department, me, I happen to be, when I see that, Antonio Banderas meme in Assassin's. Right?

Now, there's under that, I'll rank hotness, OK? The most I'm talking about, like you're going Eastern European, you know, in Prague, not the red light district, like fucking. In the countryside and whoopsie daisy, you drive by an 11, right? And you go, what? They make ones like you? Breathe on me. And you smell the breath and the pheromones and you're intoxicated and you just go,

God damn. Okay? That is the hot, hottest. Now there are women like that in America. You're intoxicated and you just go, god damn. That is the hottest. Now, there are women like that in America. I'm just saying. I'm just painting a picture. Under that, there's fixable. There's the idea of beauty that some women can achieve

because they're almost that hot, right? And they go, let me pinch the nose in a little bit or something. So there's just one thing wrong with them, right? Like lips are so good now that they can make it where it's like if a girl, if a woman just doesn't have big enough lips, she could just go like, let me touch it up a little bit. And then all of a sudden, whoopsie daisy, it might be on the outskirts of Prague, right? And now, it's not natural, and something about our human biology can

usually tell, and we're like, okay, that's not natural, that's not as hot as the woman I saw in the, you know, way, way, way Eastern European, right? I was in so, so the East of Europe that it was, I mean nobody, just uncharted area of the most Eastern Europe and you go, oh, they make them like this out here. Like that's how Eastern you are in Europe.

You're basically underwater looking at bitches, right? And I don't say that, but I started to last week, so so then there's the people, you know, the LA, I'm gonna go, you know what I'm gonna do? You know, the only thing about me is I don't have tits. I'm gonna go get them. You know what the only thing about me is? I got cankles. I'm gonna remove them. You know what the only thing about me is? I don't really have a butt. BBLs are in, right? And so you go and that then there's that. Okay. And then under that, under that level of, and that, by the way, that's 10, but

under that level is a very, very hot chick that you might see if you're somewhere. Okay. If you're somewhere. Okay. So you've got Eastern European so east that the day starts well before the sunrise. Right? I mean, you're basically underwater. Whatever the furthest east. What's the furthest east?

Dude, here's the deal. Okay. Look, what's the furthest east? What's the most East Europe in country okay Russia oh but but all the way though do you know what I mean okay like here here what what's what's the eastern most what's the most, here we go, what's the most eastern city in Russia? Here we go. On a dire, okay?

On a dear, okay, but on a dear like, all the way over, here, you know what? I'm actually going to not even city town town. What's the most eastern town in Russia? There we go. Anadyr OK. Located in Chukotka. OK, so Chukotka. OK. You're on the most eastern part of Anadyr in Chukotka.

You're on the autonomous Okrug and it's the most easternmost settlement with like a town status okay so you're basically that number one is Chukotka autonomous Okrug all right and you're on the east of that to where you go I can't walk any further and I'm still on the east of that to where you go I can't walk any further and I'm still on the Chukotka autonomous Okhrung this is considered the easternmost town in Russia I can't get further otherwise I'm in the water and I'm looking at fish okay okay look no you know what fuck it I just found out about this there's a settlement even more eastern than Anadyr at Chukotka on Autonomous Okhrung,

and it's Uelen. U-E-L-E-N. So you're on the outskirts of Uelen, all right? You're literally driving out of Uelen to see if there's something else out there. There isn't. But when you go out there, you see, holy shit, who is this woman? Right. And she's an 11 and you go, I didn't know they make them like here, like this here in Welland. And then you go, okay, that's the hottest woman I've ever seen in my life.

Right. Cause it's super East, super European. You know what? We should all go to Welland. That's where we'll I've ever seen in my life, right? Because it's super East, super European. You know what? We should all go to Welland. That's where we'll be the law cabin. So anyway, then you go back to LA, right? And then you can look, and you can be like, wow, this is where they all come, huh?

But you'll never get that taste of Welland before. How do you say Welland? Cough, cough. This is an ad from BetterHelp. This holiday season, do something for a special person in your life. You. Give yourself the gift of better mental health. BetterHelp online therapy connects you with a qualified therapist via phone, video, or live chat. It's convenient and affordable and can be done from the comfort of your own home.

Having someone to talk to is truly a gift, especially during the holidays. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more and save 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp.com. With Uber Reserve, good things come to those who plan ahead. Family vacay? Reserve your ride as soon as you book your flights. To all the planners, now you can reserve your Uber ride up to 90 days in advance. See Uber app for details. play games tabs and to top it all off, quick and secure withdrawals. Get more everything with FanDuel Sportsbook and Casino. Gambling problem, call 1-866-531-2600.

Visit connexontario.ca. Pronounce, let's see here, pronounce, pronounce, pronounce. Here we go, oops, pronounce. Well, here we go. Oops, pronounce. Um, well, here we go. Uelan. Uelan. Okay, well.

Uelan. Uelan. Okay. Uelan. But, so, and you go, okay, there, this is it. This is where they all come. These are the dreams of the dreams. This is what dreams are made of.

This is where everyone comes to be a star is so hot, but not as hot as the natural beaut I saw in you, right? And you, so, so you're like, okay, great. And those women are getting the BBLs and you go, this is unfair, but still not as the natural. Right. So then under that you go, okay, after that, then the third rung is women you might see out somewhere. Okay. And I'm talking about, you could be at Marshall's and you're walking by and

you're like, God damn, what is this woman doing at Marshall's that still attend third tier. Okay. But I'm like, then under that there's like, you know, very pretty and then busted, it gets to where you're busted, but then you could kind of disguise your bustedness with just a bunch of weird plastic surgery, right? Like you can get super fake, weird, big titties, big lips. And you and a lot of people are like, eww, but you know what I mean?

Like women, especially are like, eww, that's so gross. And guys are like, I know. But then when guys get together by themselves are like, yeah, it's actually kind of looking hot. If you think about it, you're in the right mood. You know, you eat a sandwich and then just throw it in her. And so, that woman, disguising her bustedness, woman who is, eww, but, ah,

till when you get to buy guys bunch together, you go, I would, you know, if I was, if, and you know, that kind of woman with super plastic surgery. I met one once, one, and I just was taken aback and I go, what, what is, what's happening? And then I thought about, you know, she was 30 maybe when I met her. And then I thought about, you know, she was 30 maybe when I met her.

And then I thought about like, as they get older, you got to do more and more. And then you get fucked up looking super fucked up looking, right? Cause aging like that is horrible. And then your friends start to die. And then I'm like, oh shit, that's wild. But then I'm like, yo, you got to go to their funeral. And then I'm like, you just look all fucked up at their funeral? Like, that's so weird.

Dude, you got all the plastic surgery, fine. But then you got to go to a funeral and be like all You know I'm saying BB yelled big lipped fucking honking titties just crying over your friends open casket like What dude? Think about if you really want to get positive think about being at your friend's funeral down the line Before you go in for that. Because it's not, you know, you'll never be that you'll never be you will. And you'll never be that woman from you, Ellen, the woman from you, Ellen,

the woman from you, Ellen, starring Charlize Theron in 2004. This is a movie that came out in 2004 that was in Sundance and Slamdance. By the way, what the fuck is Slamdance? What the fuck is Slamdance? You always hear about Slamdance, but what the fuck is it? Is it even around anymore? Anyway, The Woman from Uelan. Is it even around anymore? Anyway, the woman from who Ellen it has fucking

The leaves the the fucking curvy leaves on the preview on the preview And that says slam dance. What the fuck is like? Dude you go to slam dance if you can't get into Sundance, but this got in both the fucking woman from fucking you will and fucked it up that's the preview though even with the whole long space in it Charlize Theron was beautiful for a year and a half no matter what women say or guys above 60 she was only beautiful for a year and a half and then at best she was pretty no matter what women say or guys over 60 when you first saw it when you first saw Charlize Theron you couldn't fucking believe it and then when you saw her again in a movie or something you were like, whoa, yeah, she is hot and then a year later

when you saw her you thought, oh yeah, I guess she's pretty hot and then you just kind of forgot about her. No matter what women say. The woman from U-Ellen starring Charlize Theron. If my wife ever divorces me, I'm going to U-Ellen. Hey, babe. Hey, I'm off to U-Ellen. That's me. So, just looking, where is she?

Where's the natural one? Just lost my fucking mind. Where's the one that's above the fixable? Cause I'm, okay, so I live in LA and there's a lot of women that are really beautiful, but you can tell that they got work done. I'm here to see the top notchnotch top tier, beautiful, point me in the direction of East. Where's the most East part of U-Ellen? What is this guy talking about? Kill him. Anyway. Because the thing is, is when you

think about a woman who's busted that gets all over, me and Russia. And then they get all the plastic surgery. And then what happens is they get older, and then what happens is they gotta go to their friend's funeral. And I just, Russians just staring at me just, uh... Are you in line for a loin? Are you in line for meat or not? I guess so. It's fucking so cold.

Yes. Bro, I invited David Sullivan over the other night. I live not too far from LA and he complains and bitches about it and that's fine. It's my house. So I don't really think it's too far. Maybe if I had to visit me, I might be like, it's far, but I invited David Sullivan over. Okay.

He hung out with me. He hung out with Kristen. He hung out with Jericho was over. He hung out with, is there someone else over? I don't remember but we got fucking what do we get? We got food Hot chicken sandwiches. Yes, because fuck it dude I I you know I I at a certain point i'm 44. I'm just i'm as hot as i'm gonna be

Okay, I could work out I could do jumps I could push weight but i'm just I'm as hot as I'm gonna be okay. I can work out I could do jumps I could push weight, but I'm just pretty much in the realm of is how hot I'm as hot as I'm gonna be Okay, so I'm gonna get the hot chicken sandwich sometimes dude because I'm a fucking real man, dude If you aren't the kind of guy that won't if you aren't the kind of guy who will order something late at night That isn't good for you. You drop sexiness points. Yes, dude! You drop sexiness points. You won't have a slice of pizza because you want to have washboard abs? You drop sexiness points. So I got hot chicken sandwiches and I got one for David even though he didn't say he wanted it. And I got dirty nachos.

Hey, yes! And I got him to the house, got... Shakes. Got Oreo cookie shakes too because I didn't want to drop points on the sexiness scale, man. And I fucking... Uh... Ate it.

Hello? I ate it. And I watched. I don't even remember what I watched. What the fuck did I watch? What did we watch? I don't remember. But I ate it. Hello. I ate it. And I watched. I don't even remember what I watched. What the fuck did I watch? What did we watch? I don't remember. But I ate it. Hello. David Sullivan ate it too. Um, hello. And I killed that. I mean, I killed it. I ate it so much. He ate some. Like a little bitch, dude. Okay? And then he goes, you're going to have to tell me what happens at the end of the movie.

I got to go to the bathroom. Went in the bathroom, never saw him again. The movie ended. And I go, oh, this, oh, it was heretic. That's what it was. And I was like, oh, I got to explain the whole ending to you. I go, David, what the fuck is going on? And he's like, oh man, I've been in here throwing up.

Dude can't hack your boy. I mean, my tummy is like. Swallow whatever you want. I really can do that. Now the next day was tough, but I didn't throw up and he did. So I won that heretic watching. Heretic. Is it heretic? Heretic. So he threw up. I love it. I love it. I just love it Guy came up to me at coffee bean the other day, you know how I do it. I go to coffee bean a lot and I'm just like

Hanging out ready to go to the laugh factory, right? Guy comes up like like this. He's like this With his phone he says hey man, how you doing Chris? And I was like, yeah. He was like, Hey dude, are you, I'm a big fan, dude. I said, Oh, thanks. He said, can I get any advice for a comedian? And I'm like, you're filming me. And he was like, what? And I was like, I know you're filming me, man. It, you just, if you want to film me, just ask, like, this is weird. Let's go outside and you can ask me the questions and we'll make it

like it's a regular thing, not like you're sneakily coming up on me. And he goes, Oh, and I said, all right, so don't do it. So stop recording. And he stopped recording. I was like, let's go outside. As we start walking outside, he starts starts fucking he's still doing this he's recording me I'm like hey dude I stop and I turn back around I said hey dude you're recording me again and he says oh stop and I said yeah man and I take his

phone and I say it's so weird how people would just like let you like I just grabbed this phone he's like oh and he's looking at me look through his phone now And I'm like man if somebody did this to me, I would have them assassinated but he is I'm looking through his pictures and he was like, alright there. Yeah, and then I delete it I delete that he's like, alright cool Yeah, see look the last one is look I was asking this other guy this other thing and I was like, I don't give a fuck man You know, let's go outside and do this fucking interview now I got to do it cuz like I don't want you know I'm a man of my word so I walk

out to the outside of the coffee bean and I was like alright so what do you want to ask me so go ahead start recording and the guy's like hey so any advice for a comedian and I'm like yeah I always say get on stage every day. And he says, yeah, yeah, yeah. He says, uh, I said, oh, he says, okay, I say, yeah. So you're a comedian? And he said, no. I'm like, you're not a comedian?

He's like, well, I am, but I don't do stand up. And I'm like, what is, what is this dude? And he's like I do, this is a TikTok, I post on TikTok. And I'm like alright well get on stage every day. If you're not a comedian they gotta do something every day. You gotta do content every day because if you don't someone else will and they'll take your spot. And he was like oh thanks a lot man, thanks, thanks. End of interview. Whatever, all good. And he was, you can follow me if you want. So I looked at his page, followed him, left the coffee bean, unfollowed him,

and then, like, you know, I get tagged in a bunch of shit. I'm like, oh, I put the interview up. And I look on TikTok, and the guy is just just all he does is walk around and try to find celebrities And he's a paparazzi guy And that's all fine, you know, but it's like who cares right but I'm like, oh What the fuck somebody just comes up to you starts filming look, before I knew the internet was like a toxic place. I would do it. Like when Vine was popular, I didn't really think about people weren't

really even toxic on the internet. It was just like fucking kind of fun, fun, funny. Like Sarah Silverman tweeted something like, Hey, black people, huh? And like, no, everybody was just like, ha ha ha. And now it would be like, oh dude, well, no more nothing for you. Should like get HIV for some, I should get it somehow. And it'd be like, that's what happens when you get

cancer, you get HIV. But yeah, so it's actually like, now it's so disconcerting Yeah. So, it's actually like, now it's so disconcerting when that happens. And now I'm like on edge. I, you know, it's a little bit my PTSD though, because like people, you know, I don't like when, you know, TMZ and shit come up and especially everything I've been through five years ago and all that, but it's just like, I just want to, and I'm not even, could you imagine being fucking Tom Cruise? Like the fact that this happens once in a while to me is, is, is, yeah, yeah, I just wouldn't go out. Fuck that. You know

what? Talk about the metaverse. Plug me the fuck in. I'm the rock. plug me in. Plug me in. No, I'm moving to U.L. in. Plug me in, I'm moving to U.L. in and plug me in. Because Russia has the hottest women and the ugliest and you know that. And so you can, if I'm in the metaverse, it doesn't matter if I'm with a natural bute or not. Boris could be sucking me off. I don't give a shit. I'm in the metaverse. I'm plugged in but... Bro, you know what happened the other night? Kristen...

It... man, she's like, my family's coming over I want to I want to I got to go to the grocery store and get some stuff to cook but she said but I have to clean the kitchen so can you do it and I and I go And I go, we're fucked. Yes, I will, and I will try, my hardest, and we're fucked. Give me the list, just give me on a Post-It note, it was like 12 things. Bro, shit I've never heard of. Chicken bouillon cubes, and that's not chicken or it's not what what where is

it okay so I and so uh brandy is there cuz she's gonna cook with it. Basil. Leeks. What is that, you know? And I know it's in the produce section, but like... There's a lot of things that look like a leak, okay? There's celery, there's scallions, there's leeks, there's... I'll go as far as onions. Fucking red onion. They're all le far as onions, fucking, uh, red, uh, red onion.

They're all leaky. That, yeah, you know, uh, uh, and so I'm like, all right, I know what a fucking onion is, so I'll get the, I'll get the leaks and I, bro, it took me so fucking long, man, and I just go, I gotta ask, I gotta ask people. So, hey, no, you know what, dude? How about this? It's, you know what? It's not me.

The grocery store, it's too fucking hard. It is, it is. It's too hard. Why, why is the cheese in two different areas, dude? Why? Why? Why is there not just the area for the fucking cheese? Dairy, cheese. Oh, but then I go wander near the bread. Oh, there's cheese over there, too. Dude, that's fucking annoying.

Grocery store. Every grocery store I've ever been in, cheese in two different places. It's annoying. And you know that Ralph's it's annoying and you know that Bristol Farms it's annoying and you know that bonds it's annoying and you know that shop right it's annoying and you know that, Kings in Montclair, New Jersey. It's annoying and you know that, Pavilions. It's annoying and you know that, Sprouts, if you're rich. It's annoying and you know that Albertsons. It's annoying and you know that Kroger. It's annoying and you know that Costco in bulk.

You know it in bulk. Oh dude, it's annoying and you know that Amazon fresh for some reason with all the cameras you recorded how much you know that dude Amazon fresh fucking sucks a change the lighting there dude you know what you don't know what? You don't know what I bought. You don't know what I bought. I snuck it in my pocket. You have no fucking idea Amazon Fresh.

Dude if you walk into an Amazon Fresh, it's like everybody in there is getting abducted. You are in a police state. You think you can, I can fucking dude, I can finesse it. You don't think I can finesse Amazon Fresh, dude? You don't think I walk in and walk out with some chicken bouillon cubes? You don't think I could do that and finesse the system and walk out like I didn't buy shit and nobody stopped me? Go fuck yourself, dude. You don't think I can Amazon Fresh? Hey, hey, hey Bezos, you don't think I could walk in and get chicken bouillon cubes and finesse the situation and walk out. You don't think I can?

I can. I am so dreading groceries this week. Why? You can skip it. Oh, what, just like that? Just like that. How about dinner with my third cousin? Skip it.

Prince Fluffy's favorite treats skippable midnight snacks Skip my neighbors nightly saxophone practices Nope, you're on your own there Could have skipped it should have skipped it skip to the good part and get groceries meals and more delivered right to your door on skip This episode is brought to you by Dyson on track Dyson on track headphones offer best-in-class noise right to youryson on track. Headphones remastered. Buy from DysonCanada.ca. With ANC on, performance may vary based on environmental conditions and usage. Accessories sold separately.

Hell yes! I could fucking moonwalk out with some chicken bouillon cubes. I can moonwalk out with some earache medicine. I don't give a fuck. I can do it. I can do it. There's so many cameras, dude. So what happens when you go to Amazon fresh, you walk in, you just shop and leave and they charge you because they think you know what you took because there's cameras everywhere.

Hey dude, if you think I can't finesse that situation and moonwalk the fuck out of there and save some money illegally, yes, but I can do it. And then, you know what? If I can do that, I deserve all that stuff. That chicken bouillon is free. Because your shit doesn't work. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Hey, because you know why? Your shit doesn't work yet. So stop trying to get all advanced when you can't even do it yet. It's like Wi-Fi on the fucking airplane. Oh, it doesn't work yet? Then you know what?

Shut it off! Give me a magazine, that's it. Put movies on the back of the person's headrest in front of me, that's it. But don't have me try to fucking keep connecting to the goddamn Delta Wi-Fi. Or to fucking Boingo, whatever the hell that one is, you know? There's always Boingo in the fucking... ...airports. Get a boingo pass, you get a boingo pass, you still can't do shit.

Hey, fucking figure it out, airplanes. Or shut it down and give us all magazines. Give us Encyclopedia Britannicus. All of us. Because it's so annoying, dude. Anyway, Amazon Fresh, you think I can't finesse a situation and moonwalk some chicken bouillon cubes out of Amazon Fresh and some nail clippers and some earache medicine, you don't think I could do that and save a whole bunch of money and that's not on me,

that's on you because your shit doesn't work because you think you're more advanced and the times are more advanced than they actually are. Oh well whoopsie daisy, I'm rich with chicken bouillon cubes. And so I follow up one time. I walked out of a Rite Aid with a hat and it was on my head. I paid for everything that I needed from the Rite Aid and looked the cashier in the eye with the hat on, said, thank you. And walked out without paying for the hat

that's barely stealing hey thank you you're welcome good day by the way the hat was fucking right white with bright green neon slashes on it it It was like a Monster Energy drink. It wasn't, because this was before Monster Energy drink even existed, but I walked out, dude. If your system isn't equipped to handle it, then it's mine. I don't know. It's just, I don't, I went to Amazon fresh once I got sushi and walked out and it just, I think I was charged for it. I just don't want it. I don't, I don't want to go there again, but it's too hard.

But it's too hard. You know how Chris did, I talked about how Kristen fell off the ladder and hit her head, you know? She's still like every morning she wakes up and she's just like, you think it's okay? And I'm like, it's been two weeks. You would have died. Can you walk? It's okay.

She's like, yeah, but I think there's ringing in my ear. And I'm just like, that's probably from me. You know, she's like, ah, but sometimes I think I'm thinking too hard. And it's like, she said a word the other day and she, oh, I said a word the other day and she was like, what does that mean? And I was like, oh, it means this. And it was like a word that, you know, you don't really hear a lot. I'm really smart.

And I said it and she was like, do you think I knew what that word was before the concussion and now I just don't because I had the concussion? And I, and I said, no baby, but don't be a stalli-o-poot. And she was like, what? And I said, don't be a stalli-o-poot. And she said, what's that? And she was like, are you fucking with me? And I, dude, I had a great time.

And it was funny. And then she got really mad at me dude she was like don't fuck with me like that because you know I have that thing where it's like what so I didn't do it again even though I wanted to man but that's funny dude whatever dude you're with a comedian dude we were in couples therapy today and she was like you you know, sometimes When we're like out somewhere and chris will just notice about all the negative things and I just wish you know

Uh You know, he didn't always think and point out and talk about the negative things and i'm just like always think and point out and talk about the negative things and I'm just like you're welcome for the house yeah dude hey you're welcome for the in-ground trampoline hey our kids be jumping now. You're welcome. Oh, dude. Ah, what the fuck? You know how the pool is the pool and then you can turn on the fountain that shoots over the pool

and it goes over into the pool and it looks beautiful? You know how we have four of those on our pool? Oh, you're welcome for those! Hey, dude! You can see those from the pool house, which you're welcome for as well. So excuse me, if I notice somebody's bottom half doesn't fit with their top half and that's what I choose to talk about. You know, you're welcome for the fucking tchotchkes, goddamn. You're welcome for the tchotchkes.

You're welcome for the tchotchkes starring Charlize Theron. You're welcome for the tchotchkes from TIFF. Wons nine awards in TIFF. That's the good one now. Toronto International Film Festival, Toronto. Where all the producers and directors and execs in Hollywood just go and basically just give each other OTPHJs all day.

They just, cause it's fucking, these movies are bad probably. TIFF. They just cuz it's fucking these movies are bad probably Tiff you're welcome for the tchotchkes I'm like I don't know man I just can't wait till I'm gonna start dude I Hmm. I gotta start doing like AI stuff and like making movies real movies and just putting them on YouTube and just killing it I gotta start doing that Since when did I stop doing that? You know Where's the thing here? I don't know where the thing is.

Bookmark, wait, hold on, history. You know, oh, because I looked up grocery stores and then New Ellen. Oh, congratulations to Russell Schumacher for graduating college. There you go. Happy birthday, Neboisha, you slick son of a gun. Never said that before. And the funniest and most creative brother-in-law, so they say, cheers you sweet little baby. That's Holler. If you want to holler, you can get a mini ad or shout out. Go to holler.baby slash Chris Tulliet, right?

Yeah, dude, he remembers it. There you go, You can get that. Uh, Dude, Young Thug. Has Young Thug been, is he still on trial? Has it been 12 years? Bro, how about this? Brian Steele wearing the Young Thug merch and just that, the Spider 555, that's hilarious. He just got out? Dude, that's cool. Is is that that's spider-555 is young thug. I didn't know that

Um How old is too old to be wearing that shit, I don't think that there really is one an age But you know, mmm, I'm 44 so I wear what I want and then people sometimes are like why do you dress like you're 25 and I'm 44, so I wear what I want. And then people sometimes are like, why do you dress like you're 25? And I'm like, I guess I didn't even really think about that. Like I used to have this joke where I was like, people were like, do you have kids? And my response was, uh, I'm only 36. And it's funny because it shows, you know, that a guy is selfish and a fucking

why would I have kids if I'm this young when it's like everyone else has a family? I was just a fucking idiot. But like, I feel that way. I am only 44. Sometimes I see another 44 year old and I'm like, that guy's fucking it's weight. It's weight really. It's if you're fat, you're old. Okay. Oh, Travis Scott came out with, uh, I love how Travis Scott came out with, I love how Travis Scott came out with Owen Wilson in Rolling Loud. First of all, how about this? I think Rolling Loud is the number one thing in the world that I've heard the most and

I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what that is. What is it? It's a big concert? Is it a festival? Okay. Okay. I guess I could have guessed that. Coachella for hip-hop. Okay, it's a hip-hop one. Okay. So Owen Wilson came out and it's like Travis Scott came out with Owen Wilson and then it's like why? That's a weird... So wait, his attendance at this year's festival shouldn't come as a surprise. It recently reported that the Wedding Crashers actor will star opposite stand-up comedian Matt Rife in a movie centered around the rap festival. Okay, okay. So...

Okay, so Matt and him are doing a movie about Rolling Loud. Oh, interesting. Okay, I'll watch that for sure. Um, movies are crazy now, like, it's like Hollywood's so planned trying to catch up and shit Just like oh, yeah, he's popular all let's put him in it they have fucking Elon Musk in a movie soon Can turn in the 80s bro if I was this old in the 80s, this is what I would be doing 100% in the 80s bro if I was this old in the 80s this is what I would be doing 100% Satan Lucifer. Lucifer, dude. Ohhhhhhhhhh!

Abaddon. Ohhhhh, dude! The Accuser of the Brethren. The accuser of the brethren. The Temptor. The Wicked One. A Polly on the Destroyer. Santa Christ! The Father of Lies, dude! They had to Christ!

Ah, the father of lies, dude! Oh, the thief, the wolf, and the Levitian. Ah! Unreal. Oh, dude, that, that, you know what? Fuck that. That guy's a boss. The first comment is, there's no way homie wasn't packing a world-class hog.

Shaka collect, Shaka collectibles brings you Funko pop collectible figures for the whole family. Shaka collectibles dot com. Hang loose, my babies. Ah, it's a holler. Go to holler dot baby slash crystal. If you want to purchase a shot or a m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m- I guess I'll just chill for the rest of the day. I don't know. I'm gonna go.

But I appreciate you guys. Thank you so much for listening. You know what I mean, man? And sign up for our Patreon, that's it. But sign up for our Patreon if you're not on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash crystal. Yeah. I will tell you this much. It is, uh, it is why this podcast exists because of the Patreon members.

So I appreciate you. Uh, get it for somebody for Christmas, you know, thank you very much. You