Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 42. Extaculations Of Amazement

Episode Date: November 13, 2017

It's the 42nd episode! On today's show, Chris discusses working out, people at the gym, and what they wear. Also discussed: the most ridiculous Trump tweet to date, when people confront Chris in person about social media blocking, & TMFUIPOTW. We announce a new elder, and of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show, we can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. This episode of Congratulations, episode 42,

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What's up, babies? Hey, how you doing, babies? We're here. You know what? Starting off by saying, I've got an app. Type in my name in the iTunes store, Chris D'Elia, or you can go to the link in my Instagram bio, and you can download the app that I have. Trying to back up this motherfucking Brinks truck you're trying to help download the fucking

app tired of these Brinks trucks moving forward you know what I mean let's get them to make uh let's get them to make a little bit of a fucking beep beep really cool to start the episode off with a fucking huge noise in my stomach, but whatever. That's how it's going to be. Listen, this podcast that I do, I fucking veer off. I talk about whatever I talk about. I don't have a fucking bullet points really. Sometimes I have a few, but like I don't today. And I figure out what I'm saying as I'm saying it.

And I'm not telling you guys that to get any sort of like reaction except for what I'm telling you. What I'm trying to tell you is sometimes it's going to fucking, you're not going to understand what I'm saying because it sucks. Because I don't know what I'm telling you, what I'm trying to tell you is sometimes it's going to fucking, you're not going to understand what I'm saying because it sucks because I don't know what I'm saying yet, but we're all figuring out together. And that's what I like about this podcast. And I don't give a shit if you like it or not. It's what I like. I like doing it. And if you want to listen, you fucking listen. And it and if you want to listen you fucking listen and if you don't want to listen you keep scrolling okay um you just keep on scrolling baby there's so many podcasts out there you don't gotta listen to mine you don't gotta listen to any podcast you can listen

to fucking rock and roll all day long go ahead and listen to the fucking uh led zeppelin everybody loves led zeppelin i couldn't tell you a led zeppelin song if a guy from led zeppelin was holding a gun to my face saying what's one of my songs i'd have zero clue what a led zeppelin song is the only thing i know about led zeppelin is they put the fucking blimp blowing up on their goddamn CD cover. And, uh, I feel you guys too when I'm here. It's like an audience that isn't necessarily in the same room with me, but when I'm on stage, I feel that energy and I talk to you guys the way I, I, I feel and you guys fucking laugh or you don't laugh back. And I fucking use that. I feel you out there.

You're not in the same room, but you're in your car, you're in your cubicle, you're in your shower, you're in your room, you're in your dorm. And i feel you out there because you're a true baby um i wish i was a little bit darker these days you know what i mean first of all i'm pale as shit but second of all being a white guy it's pretty tough it's pretty tough this week um yeah uh fucking under fire uh and uh you know it's weird man the whole country is racist no matter what we can't do anything about it it's just how it is it's how it's going to be if uh if one cop fucks up all cops fuck up you know one fucking asian guy gets into a car accident they all can't drive one white guy fucking takes his dick out all of the white

guys take their dick out you know what i I mean? That's just how it is. And there's nothing we can do about it. There's no progress. You know, there's no fucking progress. We're trying, but not really. Cause everyone's got a goddamn Twitter account.

Everyone's got a goddamn Twitter account and can tweet anything that they think right away. And that's a fucking huge problem to tweet. Something that you think is fucking a problem. Remember writing? Remember having to fucking type it out, put it on a paper and going to fucking print it? That whole time going to print it, you thought, maybe I shouldn't fucking print this. And a lot of people turned around. A lot of people turned around. But now you think, hey, you know what? Fuck all white guys. Fuck these, you know, certain groups of people.

And then you tweet it out. And then everyone fucking swarms and agrees with you. And then all of a sudden, everybody's, you know, shitty. All comedians are shitty now because of what happened, right? And it's fine to make a joke about it. It's fine. It's fucking good and it's funny sometimes. But, you know, some people are like, fuck these people.

Fuck those people. Fuck this. Fuck that. Think. Hey, man, think. Fuck those people. Fuck this. Fuck that. Think. Hey, man, think. Do the drive. If you're going to tweet something, anything, anything, this is the rule. If you're going to tweet something, do at least mentally before you tweet it, walk down into your car mentally in your head.

Go to the fucking car, drive, mentally take all the turns to the nearest Kinko where you were going to print it out. Get to Kinko's, mentally pay for something to be printed, then get it, drive all the way back and home.

And if you still want to tweet it, then tweet it. If not, don't. People with this fucking, I'm'm gonna say something right now bam dune it's out it's out there in the universe that shit could get retweeted four million times and uh and there's enough crazy people out there it doesn't matter people think it's right people think you're right people think you're fucking right you can say anything in this world and there will be a group of people that think you're right. That's a fucking problem.

That's a huge problem. You're not right a lot of the time. A lot of the times, you're wrong. But if you're out on the internet, there's enough wrong people out there that is going to agree with you and now all of a sudden, you got a group. You don't deserve a group just because you have a Twitter. It's a fucking weird fucking time, man. It is a weird, weird, weird, weird time. God damn it, it's so weird.

I want to come on this podcast and be silly as shit. I want to come on this podcast and talk about how people are cooters. I want to talk about how you guys are my true babies. I want to talk about how we're backing up the Briggs truck together and how we're trying to get a fucking log cabin in the room. I want to talk about how it's stupid people are dabbing. I want to talk about how it's stupid

people are fucking wearing stupid hats. That's what I want to talk about. But it's hard when in my face there's so much real shit going on. No kudos, man. No kudos 2018. You got to do the podcast how you going to do the podcast, man?

You can't come out here and fake the room, man. Comedians go out there, they fake the room. They go out there, you got to feel the fucking room out. If you go out there as a comedian and you try to lift the crowd up

to where you are energy-wise, it often doesn't work. So you got to come back down and you got to fucking finesse them. You got to massage them. You know what I mean? You got to get them a little bit horny. Sometimes you're not horny.

You got to get a little bit horny. You got to get the crowd a little bit horny. That's what you got to do. You got to fucking seduce them and shit, you know? You got to fucking seduce these motherfuckers. You can't just come out there, you can't just come out there and show your fucking dick. You got to have them want it.

Or if they don't want it, you go home. And that's okay, some crowds don't want it. have them want it or they don't want it you go home and that's okay some crowds don't want it um i fucking slammed the guy today dude let's let's get a little bit light i slammed the guy today and you know what i feel bad i feel bad that i slammed the guy and i and i shouldn't feel bad because i slammed the guy for not doing his job but i feel bad man i was at my fucking mailbox uh center thing and i walk in and sometimes i forget my key to open up my fucking door the mail door and i did and there's one guy always there that has a problem with me about not having the keys i was like you don't have your key all right i'll get it everyone else is nice as shit yeah sure they're happy to come out from behind the

desk it's fucking so simple it's so simple you walk out you fucking undo the thing and you give me the thing that's it so he came out and uh so i and i was like oh it's this fucking guy he's gonna give me shit because i don't have my key he said hey man i don't have my key uh can you open up i said i got a package and he said hey man do you have your key anymore and i was like yeah i do you always ask me but sometimes i forget and he yeah, I'm starting not to believe you. So he's calling me a liar. So I said, hey, man, you work here, right? And he said, yeah. I said, cool.

Can you get my mail? And before he said anything, I said, thanks. It was the hardest slam I'll do all week. It's Monday. It was the hardest slam I'll do all week. It's so slam. slam dude when you fucking slam someone and then go thanks that's fucking locking the door that's a gunk and then i brought this key buddy i'll lock it how about that how about the slam i just gave you i'll lock that

door hey i brought the key for the slam i just gave you lock see ya hey and turn around in case i open the door back up i'll fuck you dude sit it was a super slam and and he didn't say anything and i felt real bad i drove home felt real bad made me realize i'm not a, and I felt real bad. I drove home, felt real bad. Made me realize I'm not a sociopath. I felt real fucking bad. Because I should have the key, and I do.

It's somewhere in my car, like, you know, help me out. I pay for the fucking service, right? People don't want to do their jobs. I want to do my job. That's the thing. And I understand people are just lucky and feel good and happy enough to get a job because it's hard to get a job out there not everybody can fucking just throw that's the other thing too i was listening to a rapper on the radio ah fucking who was it it was on my buddy rude jude's fucking thing

uh on xm who's good you should check him out but he was talking to a actually I don't know if it was Ryuji's show but I was listening to XM I was listening to XM and the rapper what rapper was it he was on he was like don't go for your dreams he was basically saying

he was like when I hear motherfuckers tell other young people to give up everything to rap, he's like, that's terrible. He's like, if you have responsibilities and you have kids and you have bills you got to pay and you're selfish enough to give it all up to try and be a rapper, you know, you're a fucking piece of shit all up to try and be a rapper. You know? You're a fucking piece of shit. That's what he was saying.

And there is some merit to that, really. I don't know. I mean, I don't have kids on purpose. I don't have a family on purpose. And so that's because I was going to focus on my shit, becoming a standup comedian. I'm not saying that's the right way to do it, but I think it was the right way for me to do it, you know? But if I had fucking three kids,

I don't know. You got to get, you got to get this money, you know? I think that's the rap mentality. That's kind of the problem there. I got to get this money. I'm think that's the rap mentality that's kind of the problem there like i get this money i'm gonna do a rapping maybe you could do it just getting a job at whole foods though you know i'm gonna get this fucking eleven dollars an hour dog um

but yeah i was uh but yeah, I was, uh, so I slammed them and I felt, I felt alive. When you slam someone, you feel alive. You really do. That's the most alive you feel, right? It's like feeling, it's like feeling, it's like coming. How alive do you feel when you come, right? When you have an orgasm, when you have an orgasm, how alive do you feel? You feel alive when you see, do you feel just as alive when you slam someone, but then you feel bad afterwards. It's a lot like orgasm when you have an orgasm how alive do you feel you feel alive when you see do you feel just as alive when you slam someone but then you feel bad afterwards it's a lot like orgasm and slamming someone because you feel bad afterwards a lot of the time unless it was someone you truly love dude how about i just feel fucking i don't know I feel weird these days, man. Everyone knows you, you know?

Everyone knows you because you got to fucking... I was at the gym the other day. How about I joined a gym? I know I... I think I touched on this last episode. Nobody works out hard. Nobody fucking works out hard. Dude, when I go to the gym, I'm killing myself. I'm fucking jumping on platforms. I'm lifting weights. I'm running on the treadmills. Dude, I'm dripping wet.

It looks like I'm in the middle of a fight. I look horrible. Actually, I look good because you look sweaty and shit. I think probably people think it's sexy. Hey, there's nothing I can do about it, babies. I'm dripping wet. My shirt, my t-shirt's fucking drenched. I'm looking mad sexy. There's nothing I can do about it. I got pink shorts. I got purple shorts.

I got neon green shorts. And I got fucking gray shorts. And I got black shorts. And I rotate them. And I fucking, I look like, I look, I look. And I pick the fucking corresponding shirt. And you know what? I'm not fashionable when I work out but I sure am thinking about it but so I'm at the gym and I'm killing myself these motherfuckers don't work out they chat

they fucking text they chat and then some of these girls dude they wear full makeup when they work out what's going on What's going on? What's going on? You're not working out that hard because your makeup will be runny as shit. They put on full fucking makeup, almost like a drag queen. And then they go fucking work out. What? What? Also, how about the fuck uh the outfits that's the thing i i got shorts and a shirt here's what you work here's what you use

when you here's what you wear when you work out dude shorts and a shirt or pants and shoes. That's it. Here are the things you don't wear when you work out. Jeans. There's always a fucking weird Albanian guy in every gym working out with jeans on. Okay? And he's got like a dirty shirt. Who is that guy?

You know what I'm talking about? Every time you go to a gym, there's some fucking guy with jeans on and like a weird dirty white shirt. And he's like five foot nine. And you're like, what did this guy fucking stop in and just do some pull-ups on the way to fucking painting a house? You know that guy? I fucking swear to God that guy's there at least one out of three times you work out and he never has a belt on either he takes his belt off so it's like pants are coming down and then uh here's another thing you don't wear when you work

out a full-on sexy outfit if you're a chick, there's no reason to see your fucking hottest shit cleavage. I don't need to be getting a horn when I'm working out. How about that? Why the fuck I need to be horny when I'm doing incline? When I'm doing incline. Why do I want to have an orgasm when I'm jumping on platforms? Hey, do I have a jump rope in my hand and my hard cock in the other? Sprob.

Wear a matching thing, fine, but some of these chicks are like showcasing their titties. I saw a girl taking a fucking selfie at the gym at the gym and, and she looked good. She had a great body. And, uh, and I was like, oh, for fuck's sake, she's taking this selfie for her Instagram, whatever, whatever, whatever. Okay. But then she fucking started killing it at the gym. And I was like, dude, it's me and her, man. We're fucking killing it together, dude. I mean, I didn't even work out near her, but I kept my fucking, like, I was like, I'm it's me and her, man. We're fucking killing it together, dude. I mean, I didn't even work out near her. But I kept my fucking like, I was like, I'm going to go harder because that girl's going hard. She was jumping rope, throwing the ball, fucking doing the sit-ups, doing fucking different side to side with the balls.

And then she did the fucking treadmill after that, dude. Jumping up and down, doing the ropes, that fucking thing. Killing it, man. I was proud of her. I didn't even know her. Oh, there's one guy that fucking is so big, and he has those. You know those? Here's another thing you don't wear at the gym.

You can wear a tank top, kind of, but if you have that real skinny tank top that's basically just a piece of floss in between your two titties your nipples dudes well you got like this dude is so big and he's got a tank top and i swear to god the tank top that he has is it it goes in between his nipples it always shows his nipples like that fucking one like the g like the string one and his nipples come out it always shows his fucking nipples hey don't show your nipples at the gym guy's a fucking asshole cover your nipples bro what the fuck are you doing cover your nipples at the gym if you're a guy or a girl cover your nipples and we're showing you this shit on the video podcast i swear to god we can't even find one

that's that's uh it's it's way less than that it's like three inches skinnier than that it's it's literally like a shoelace in between his fucking breasts and then it widens out down near his waist and he wears a dummy shit like bandana that only covers like it like comes up and like it's like get it together bro get it together. You Lee Haney? You Lee Haney? No. I don't even want to know what these guys' real jobs are, besides fucking nutrition. I feel like all these guys work in nutrition shops,

or they all work in nutrition. Because it's funny to me to think about that guy, a guy who's so into fitness, but then he works out at Ralph's, he's a manager, at like a fucking grocery store. And he's just dying to take off his fucking uh shop right polo to go put he's like dude i fucking hate covering up my nipples at work dude i can't wait to get to the gym and get that fucking shoelace in between my two fucking titties and just work the fuck out.

And if you're a guy and you got the short shorts and the fucking ass cheeks are hanging out, huh? Hey, if you're a girl and you have that working out, huh? But if you're a guy and you have that working out, huh? Harder, huh? What are you doing? Show me the bottom of your ass. I don't need to get a horn whether I'm straight or gay at the gym.

Look at that fucking shirt. Look at that shirt. Look at that shirt. You got to show that on the video podcast, no you know what my favorite is, look at the way he's lifting up his fucking pants, I love when they fucking, guys that they do it on Instagram all the time,

when they lift up one leg, to show the fucking quad, or when they put their pants down, a lot of guys take their, they'll be in the locker room, and their pants will be down, and their under will be up, so it just shows like their cock all bunched up and they're fucking hiking up so you can see their

quads hey man you know that's fine just fucking leave your underwear the way it is don't hike it up so i can see your dick and balls all huddled together um um nobody works out hard at the gym and people are wearing makeup and and motherfuckers oh it's just so i was at the gym and somebody said, hey, as I was leaving, all sweaty and shit, breathing really hard, some lady came up to me. Hey, you're a, hey, you unfriended me on Instagram. First of all, she doesn't know the fucking terminology, okay?

So already, I don't know what the fuck she's talking about. You don't ever friend me on Instagram. First of all, she doesn't know the fucking terminology. Okay? So already, I don't know what the fuck she's talking about. You don't ever friend someone on Instagram. Now, maybe I thought, now, what that I think anybody would think that means is I unfollowed her on Instagram, which I never followed her on Instagram. I don't know this lady. So I said, I unfriended you on Instagram. And she said, yeah. I said, Facebook? And she said, no, Instagram.

And I said, I never followed you. And she said, yeah, you blocked me. And I said, oh, okay, that's what she means. So I got her to say what she meant. And I said, oh, well, yeah, you must have said something rude. And she said, no way, I never said anything rude. And I said, oh, I only block rude people. And she said, well, I didn't. And I said, yeah, you did. And I walked away. That's it. What the fuck am I blocking her for being? No.

Why the fuck would I block anybody? She said something shitty. And I blocked her. And then I walked away. And here's the other thing, too. It's fucking the the uncomfortability uncomfortability is that a word uncomfortability uncomfortability whatever it's a fucking word now um when somebody um oh yeah like when somebody one time this was fucking seven years ago when people try to make you uncomfortable with some shit that they're gonna bring up i fucking love that i fucking

eat that shit for breakfast bro i eat it up i love it one time i was at the laugh factory this was fucking years ago and this girl came up to me in front of other people and said to me, hey, you asked me to hang out on. She was a Facebook friend and we were fucking whatever. She was like, yeah, you asked me to fucking hang out on MySpace or fucking Facebook or something. And she thought she was going to make me embarrassed in front of her friends. And I fucking, it felt, I felt like I became the Hulk and I looked at her and I said, yeah, yeah, yeah, I did. Yeah. And I fucking hung it out there. I hung it out there to dry, dude. You're going to hand me some fucking wet laundry, dude. You're going to hand me some fucking wet laundry?

Dude, you're going to hand me some fucking wet laundry like I don't have a fucking clothesline? Are you kidding me? She thought she was going to fucking make me feel uncomfortable in front of a bunch of guys and girls she came with at the Laugh Factory about hanging out, and she thought i was gonna fucking stand there with a wet sweater like oh what am i gonna do with this

nope i fucking looked at her in the eyes and i said yup and i threw that shit in the dryer and guess what she felt fucking stupid after. She didn't know what to say. She goes, oh, yeah. Dude, you're going to make me feel uncomfortable? I got fucking judo moves with that shit, man. I've bombed in front of 450 people at the Irvine Improv. You think that you're going to come up in front of seven people and say, Hey, I remember you used to ask me to hang out on Facebook or MySpace and make me feel gulpy. You think I'm going to do a hard swallow for that give me all the laundry I'll dry it fucking all it's not it's not gonna work dude it's not gonna work

I love it I love that that shit. I eat, I'll eat it. I'll fucking eat it, dude. I'll eat it. I'll keep it in my stomach for four hours. Wait till it fucking forms, shit it out and deliver it back to you,

baby. How about that? I just, these people, when people come up to me, Hey what's up what's up hey you don't remember my name huh I look at them and I say nope hey how about this be memorable I think we talked about this on the podcast, that part. But be memorable. If I don't remember your name, it's your fault.

How about that? If I don't remember your name, it's your fault. Don't put the blame on me, man. I'll dry laundry all fucking day. I have clotheslines for weeks. What's my name? You don't remember, huh?

I step closer to you. You understand? I step closer to you. You understand? I step closer to you. And you know when the handshake is supposed to end? It doesn't end there. I grip. You can't get away. Hey, what's up? What's up, man? How you doing? Oh, good. Hey, Chris. You don't remember my name, huh? Oh, what are you doing with my hand? I'm holding it and I'm stepping in. And I'm saying, no. That's how it should be. It's not my fault I forgot your name.

Hey, guess what? got your name hey guess what if i met fucking the guy who cured cancer and he said hey what's up i'm rick i'll never forget that guy's name you know why it's memorable you know why it's memorable okay if i remember some fucking dump truck of a man if some dump truck of a man comes up and already knows me and i already met him and he says, what's my name, huh? Hey, who are you? Who are you? Hey, do you live in fucking Albuquerque? Because who are you? Who the fuck lives in Albuquerque? Guys like that. Guys who you forget their names. Sorry, Albuquerque.

Had to pick Sun City. See you. All that fucking artwork and shit. Albuquerque. Yeah, dude. You're not blaming fucking me for not knowing who the fuck you are. Da-da-da-da-ya. I'm loving it.

You're not blaming me. Brown. Here we go, babies. Time for some ad reads. Time for some ad reads. Time, time for some, Time for some ad reads. Time for some ad reads. Time, time for some, time for some ad reads. Time, time for some, time for some ad reads. You know that Redman song, Time for Some Action?

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so many fireball offenses one fire dude one fire you know that's somebody's name for real one fire he gets emails that say hey juan how hilarious is that they're gonna put fire you know how disrespectful that is hey juan how hilarious is that they're gonna put fire you know how disrespectful that is hey juan hey juan when's the podcast up you know it's disrespectful his god name uh his god name his god name his god name it's annoying

uh oh man I don't know what else man fuck I got involved Oh, man. I don't know what else, man. Fuck, I got involved when I was talking about that fucking laundry shit. I'm going to be in Columbus, Ohio this week. So I was home for about three weeks. Well, no, two and a half after Australia. I got a lot of, uh, um, material from Australia,

which I'm happy about. I got about 15 new minutes, which I'm tinkering around with. I've got over an hour now. And, uh, I don't know if it's, I got to figure out what I want to do with the next hour. I don't want to rush into a special. I just can't have one come out. And I don't know. Most of my act right now is about my dogs because I've just been sitting around with them. And but yeah. All the shows in Columbus are sold out. I added another one and it's sold out.

But it's a... Is it really a four hour and 20 minute flight? I hate these fucking... Make the planes go faster. Make them go faster. You can. You can. I know you can.

Is Elon Musk the only one trying to fucking figure shit out i feel like he's the only one that's trying to figure shit out now this guy's like yeah yeah you'll be able to go to fucking singapore in three minutes and we'll be like how i will shoot a rocket up into the moon and then it'll come back down and you'll be there in three minutes yeah it's longer yeah but it's thinner. It's thinner. The air's thinner up there. That's my favorite shit when people say, you can go faster because the air's thinner up there, which is true. But also, we got fucking murky air down here.

It's air, you know? It's not fucking Nickelodeon gack. It's not fucking Nickelodeon Gak. It's the second time I brought up Nickelodeon Gak in this podcast. And it's the second time I brought up Nickelodeon Gak in my life. So I sweared. But yeah, Elon Musk is the only one trying to figure shit out. Oh, my God, dude.

How about Donald Trump's fucking tweet? the about uh was it kim jong was that what it was about hey i can't believe he called me old i never called him short and i could call him short and fat dude donald trump okay but you are old why would kim jong-un insult me by calling me old that's not insulting to call somebody old he's 71 what's old 130 oh well i try so hard to be let's just break down how the how little boy this is why would kim jong-un insult me by calling me old how about let's just read why will kim jong let's replace it with kevin why Why will Kevin insult me by calling me old when I would never call him short and fat? Oh, well, I try so hard to be his friend

and maybe someday that will happen. That sounds right, to say it like that. I love always looking at the tweet under Donald Trump's tweet. It's always negative to him. And this one says, how the fuck are you in the White House? So funny. How, how, that's weird to even, not even to be the president and do that, but to just be a person and tweet that is weird. People are like, it's got to be a joke, right?

I don't know if it's a joke the guy's a lunatic look i don't give a fuck if you're republican or democrat i mean i'll tell you this man these fucking liberals these a lot of these liberals are pussy ass motherfuckers whining ass crying ass bitch ass motherfuckers. Grab your fucking junk and sack the fuck up, man. I'm not telling you liberals are right or whatever the fuck, but this guy, what the fuck is he tweeting? Man. man that's so fucking funny man and and you know what it's not too it's sad as shit it's fucking scary too i don't want to get blown up don't want to get blown up um

yeah don't want to get blown up. Yeah. Weird times we're living in, man. It's so weird, the times we live in now. Sometimes I don't look, I look at, you know, you see, you got it now where it's like, you see a pretty girl and you're like, oh shit, I hope I didn't fucking assault her by staring too long. You know?

I hope she doesn't tweet about how I assaulted her because I stared at her at fucking Whole Foods. It's crazy, man. It's crazy when a really beautiful woman walks into a room, though. Because the whole atmosphere changes. Everything changes. No matter what. Whether you're a girl or a guy. Whether your room is full of girls or a room full of guys.

A room full of guys, a beautiful woman walks into a room. Of course, guys notice and they're like, oh, no, no, no. Did you see them? And some guys are going to be pervs. Hey, check out the tits. Look at that ass. Right? Some guys are going to be like, wow, look at that lady. She's amazing.

All the guys are going to want to be with her. Okay? That's just how it works. Science. Human. amazing, all the guys are going to want to be with her, okay, that's just how it works, science, human, but when a beautiful girl walks in a room, and there's girls there, a lot of girls are going to be like, wow, I bow down, a lot of girls are going to be like, wow, that girl's a bitch, just for being, but some guys feel like a girl, you know when a girl works work works in and she's so hot and you walk in and you're just, and the guy thinks like,

Oh, I'll fucking have a, sometimes a girl so hot. She works in a room. I think I'll have a family with her now to trap her, to fucking trap her. So she's always got to be connected with me. Like how girls fucking trap dudes and put holes in

condoms or fucking say they're on the pill but they're not secretly on the pill like they're like yeah i take it at 9 a.m every day but they don't and they fuck up and they take it at 10 30 some days and then you fucking squirt in them and then they have a kid and they're like sorry i take the pill and you trapped them that's how hot some girls are i want to trap them by having sex with them and for nine months being like hey look over here and then it'll be like wait what the heck i'm having a baby and then be like yeah you're mine now hey hey what's up play bejeweled play bejeweled, play Bejeweled, I think I got something going on, no, no, no, no, just here, play Minesweeper, there, okay, and then until it's like five months

in, and she can't get rid of the baby, and you're like, oh, okay, I guess, guess we're just gonna, guess we're just gonna have a family then. And you knew full well you trapped her. I remember when I was a kid and Britney Spears was the shit. I thought I would. And I thought this and I meant this. I thought I would. I would marry Britney Spears right now without knowing her and live a life with her.

And now I know that that's the worst idea in the world because you don't know somebody. How can you marry them? But that's – i remember thinking that that's how you get fucking that's how you make those decisions when you're fucking 18 or whatever like what if what if i i said that and for some reason that fantasy just became reality and britney spears like yeah let's get married and we had a family and i was fucking married to britney spears right now i probably wouldn't want to be i probably would have been like i was a real fucking knee-jerk reaction was fucking married to Britney Spears right now. I probably wouldn't want to be. I probably would have been like,

ah, that was a real fucking knee-jerk reaction. I'm getting a fucking panic attack right now with this shit. Hey, guys. Going to read some more ads here so we can back up this motherfucking Brinks truck. It seems the... Look look square cash is the best here all right it it seems that all of my true babies all of the true babies all of our true babies are switching to the cash app it's the number one finance in the app store so let's get involved uh it's the best way to pay people back friends family co-workers kudas uh sending and receiving money is totally free and fast here's how it works you download the square cash app Family, coworkers, kudos.

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Don't do that mature allure anymore, huh? Hey, don't take your dick and balls out anymore, huh? I remember someone was saying, hey, if a girl wants you to take her dick out, she'll ask. Imagine if that was the world we lived in. Hey, I would like you to take your dick out at this point. Oh, cool.

Huh? Read the signs better, that's all. Read the signs. How about if someone's legs are crossed? Don't take your dick out. Yeah. Or if, uh, you know, you in public, leave it in. If you're in the car kissing or if you're not kissing, don't take your dick out, I guess. If you're kissing, you're in the car, or if you're in a place with a bed in it,

you can start to maybe slowly unzip your pants. Maybe. It's a real gray area here, though, you know? You can't really fucking navigate it, where everyone's going to just keep getting in trouble because the area's so fucking gray. Some people are fucking crazy out there. You be kissing and shit.

Trouble. Hey, if a girl wants you to take your dick out, she'll ask. Huh? That's not the world we live in. That's insane. But yeah, be more responsible, guys, on taking the old dick out. Taking the old dick-a-roonie out. All right, here we go.

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at getquip.com congrats g-e-t-q-u-i-p.com congrats dude so um i was somebody sent me this one dude Somebody sent me this one, dude. Somebody sent me this one. I got to get right into this. This is so funny to me. Hey, guys, it's time for the most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. The most fucked up Instagram post of the week.

Uh-oh. Gone. All right, dude. Now, this one is amazing, okay? This is just a guy who is... Now, picture this guy. He's standing near a... No, I don't know if he's sitting or standing.

It's a selfie. But he's videoing himself near a kangaroo. The kangaroo's in the background just being a kangaroo, okay? And it's a video, and the caption is pure amazement. So that's what this guy's... Now, this is what this guy is saying. I'm just going to play the video for you. And he has got to be 100% high.

If he's not, it's even better. Okay? This is what he says. Timothy Leary talks about these moments in which you experience afresh the hardly bearable ecstasy of direct energy exploding on our nerve endings. He's, of course, referring to a holy moment. Otto ranks Mysterium Tremendum e Fascinosum. In which we utter extaculations of amazement.

We get to recontextualize the self as a marvelous conduit in a timeless hole from which molecules and meanings flow from neurons to nebula and back again. We transcend the been-theres-and-done-thats of the adult mind. We awaken to our common ecstasy. And then it cuts off! And then it cuts off. What a cock. What a fucking cock. Utter extaculations.

Utter extaculations. Google extaculations. Utter extaculations. Google extaculations. Extaculations. Extaculations. I mean, literally, your search extaculations did not match any documents. Have you ever Googled something that's never had results? What a fucking half hard cock this guy is. Dude, this guy's gotten laid, you know? This guy has had a conversation in business.

He's standing near a kangaroo! I mean, what is this guy saying? And he laughs like he's making a joke? Like he's like... Like he... Yo, dude, what? I'll be right back. Play again.

Timothy Leary talks about these moments in which you experience afresh the hardly bearable ecstasy of direct energy exploding on our nerve endings. He is, of course, referring to a holy moment. Otto ranks Mysterium Tremendum e Fascinosum. Tim Doody wrote, during these moments in which we utter extaculations of amazement, we get to recontextualize the self as a marvelous conduit in a timeless hole from which molecules and meanings flow from neurons to nebula and back again. We transcend the been-theres-and-done-thats of the adult mind. We awaken to our common ecstasy. It literally means nothing.

Does that mean anything? What does this guy think it means? Literally expecting extaculations and transcending the been-theres-and-done-thats and have-nots in the world. Timothy Kaczynski wrote... experience afresh the hardly direct energy this part auto ranks experience it sounds so much like a robot right there auto ranks experience

and a tremendous awesome and a furious awesome It sounds so much like a robot right there. Anytime someone says, of course, like that, he's of course referring to, you're a fucking such a cock, dude. Extaculations of amazement. Have you guys ever experienced extaculations of amazement? Timothy Leary talks about these moments in which you experience afresh the hardly bearable ecstasy of direct energy exploding on our nerve endings. He's, of course, referring to a holy moment. Otto ranks Mysterium Tremendum e Fascinosum. As Tim Doody wrote during these moments in which we utter extaculations of amazement.

In which we utter extaculations of amazement. Let's see what else this guy says. Hello, Vernon. I'm having kind of an amazing moment. Why don't you introduce yourself? Hello, guys. I'm Natalia Tavich from Colombia. Natalia's from Colombia, guys. what else this guy says. to show up and natalia was telling me that she discovered shots of awe during a time in her life when she was really kind of hungry for some kind of answer for something right yeah and definitely here i am this guy smiled dude what a fucking what is how? The psychogography of everyday life. I'm interested in psychodynamics.

I'm interested in how different places and spaces and people, everything you have to take into account with your sensory apparatus, informs your subjectivity. In other words, your experience has to take into account where you are and who you're with, right? You become what you behold, as McKenna said. We are the sum of the people that we'll spend the most amount of time with. But if we're interested in creating spaces for contemplative introspection, if we want to search the worlds within and without,

we need to be craftsmen of our fate. We need to filter out the wrong crowd we need to customize our spaces and places to unfold this is experience design take into account the what is he saying dude what is he saying? Just the way he's talking and just, we are just the lump sum of who we hang out with, right? So what is extaculating about this whole eperendium, pors, pors, mortum, purdium

is basically what, okay, so what Galileo said was, we're all walking around and amongst us we have the external hard drive of the mind, so to speak. What we do, we plug into the extraterrestrial, somewhat of a dark dark matter i've been laid four times that guy probably gets so much épouse puss dude i i could i here's the thing about me. I can listen to this guy all day and just be laughing and crying and fucking loving it. Now I know that a lot of you guys are like, all right, this guy, come on man. Don't fucking come on. Talk about other things.

But how can I do that? When there's this guy. How can I do that? Oh, this guy fucks. I like this guy. I like this guy. I actually like this guy. I like this guy. I actually like this guy. No irony.

There's a great quote that says, when information is cheap, attention becomes expensive. And of course, in the age of social media, in the age of the internet, we are drowning in information. Every two days, we create more data than in all of human history up until that point. So information is cheap. Therefore, attention has become expensive. The currency of our age is attention. Attention is the new oil.

If you can retain eyeballs, if you can hold on to people's focal points for even a minute and a half you are golden and so the question of course becomes how do we curate our attention how do we discern and mindfully apply this scarce resource because it is scarce of our own attention. How do we not let people hijack us? How do we put into practice a kind of curatorial mind? And it cuts off! Dude, why is he saying it like it's Shakespeare? Why is he saying it like he's in a... Oh, for fuck's sake, dude. sake dude oh fuck i gotta hang out with

this guy dude here's the thing man this is why i like this guy you have to be passionate man oh fuck this guy's blowing my mind not in the way he thinks he's blowing my mind. This guy is walking down Runyon Canyon, which is a hiking place in Hollywood, doing these videos. I mean, he's saying nonsense words. This guy, in a way, fuck man like he said to hold on to their focal point and he the best part is he thinks it's funny and he's laughing dude i i i i can listen to this guy all day god damn and he's so passionate about this shit i i oh my god this guy rocks he gets a follow so funny dude i remember actually seeing him on

a thing on on tv uh and i thought i I... Goddamn, man. I mean, goddamn. I'm sorry. I gotta tell you, that guy took me fucking to task, bro. The best part is when he laughs at his shit,

you know? It's... Oh, man. How about people who are just so fucking always telling you quotes that other people said? As McKenna said,

as Tim the Tool man taylor mentioned wow whoever dm'd me that guy thank you really what a treat man you fucking made my life better i'm fucking a howling i was almost crying there jesus christ that was like fucking made me laugh harder than the Michael Caine. I'll do it. Then Michael Caine's website. I'll do it. Fuck. Imagine Michael Caine and him in the fucking room together.

Or the staculations of amazement. I'll do it. Do you want to do a staculations, Michael Caine? I'll do it. All right. Let's look at some of these questions dude oh for fuck's sake man um clout stavo at gustin fuen mayor okay whatever uh too many letters thoughts on friendsgiving now you know if you know anything about me you know absolutely not you can do it don't call it friendsgiving i i don if you know anything about me you know absolutely not you can do it don't call it friendsgiving i i don't you know the words are the words we're using the words

the way the words are okay it's thanksgiving with your friends friendsgiving there's some corny shit uh what does that even mean that one cammy cammy b at cammy b1 do you ever take too long on the toilet you have to shut the water off in the shower huh fuck are you talking about what take too long on i think it means uh like you start it and then go to the bathroom and then you gotta well what do you what glad you asked that go to another one i obviously don't want to have that one um but look at the one my producer just had up on the screen go ahead go back go back Do you like it when you hold your poop in? I mean, one fire, dude. This guy fucking puts it up.

Do you like it when you hold it? He thought that was a good one for me to answer. One fire. Why the fuck would I want to answer that? Look at this one. Hey, Chris. And fucking made it so I couldn't see it hey chris talia i really just want a slam well you have to be deserving of a slam to get a slam sometimes when i slam

my friends on text chains i send them a picture of a door that's the door slamming in their face they're no good ones huh look at this one just oh my michael cain somebody just alerted me to this one. Michael Caine tweeted, I am a chilled night on a warm night. Click that. April 2011. Wow. wow I mean oh man you know what's weird is like how famous Michael Kane is and then he's on Twitter and has like

probably like 200,000 followers um we already did that one last week I feel like yeah we did oh my god that guy fucking killed me dude you don't have any more you didn't pick any good ones there were no good ones nope nobody fucking gamed the system today really that well you guys are asking stupid shit like do i like it when i hold my poop in oh man that's a fucking stupid question although i read it what was that one that go up uh i mean yeah you guys

oh here that's a i just saw something um i don't how about when people do inside jokes to people? You know what a pet peeve of mine is? Is when you're with seven people and somebody does a joke that you have with one other person that the rest of the six people aren't going to get. Don't do that. It's not worth it. You're making more of the people uncomfortable it's not worth it for the guy the one person who goes like this oh plus that person feels uncomfortable because the other

people don't get it you're not doing it right you're not doing humor right not doing humor right go to the website and get uh no-kuda shirts, man. They're out. Look at them. If you're on the video podcast, you can see that shit. No-kudas, man. Because it's 2018 coming up, and dude, you got to get rid of these kudas. No barracudas 2018.

That's the fucking thing. 2018, no barracudas, baby. No barracudas. So, yeah. All right, I'm going to wrap thisas, baby. No barracudas. So, yeah. All right, I'm going to wrap this up, dude. I laughed so hard. Oh, we got a new elder, babies. You want to talk about a new elder?

Here we go. Introducing a new elder. This is probably like the seventh or eighth one. Gabe Eatman. At Gabe Eatman. Why? That's G-A-B-E. or maybe it's at G-Eatman. Made a YouTube video that made me laugh, that of the Super Mario song I was singing on the episode 31,

Fried Butterfly. So yeah, we'll DM you with the details, man, but congratulations from congratulations. Congratulations from congratulations for your certificate and pin. It's coming to you, Gay Beatman, or Gah Beatman. So thank you. That shit made me laugh. It was for his class or something. He had to do it.

And it was pretty killer, dude. You can look it up on YouTube. Super Mario theme song, congratulations with Chris D'Elia. Chris D'Elia. All right, so let's wrap this up. SquareCash. You gotta switch. Download the free

SquareCash app. Design your cash card. Get it for iOS or Android now. Let's do it. Join me. Join me, babies. Join me, babies. Subscribe to my YouTube channel. Getting more and more hits on the YouTube videos. It's fun to watch. We cut in some stuff with it. And, uh, so if you, if you, if you want to watch the videos, watch the videos, uh, go get some merch and then see, wear it at the shows, baby. You Kuda,

um, no Kudas, congratulations shirt. You'd the fucking, uh, tired Eagle sweat crew necker, eat the fucking tired eagle sweat crew necker you know subscribe rate and review the show tweet me at congratulations potter use the hashtag congratulations pot video episodes go up Tuesdays or Wednesdays upcoming shows

babies Columbus Ohio Irvine California San Jose California San Diego new show added in San Diego that's going quick so make sure you fucking you get on that, Riverside on New Year's Eve come celebrate New Year's Eve with me

Winnipeg, we added a second show those tickets are almost gone figure that out, and Calgary we're going to, Man on Fire my special, if you haven't seen it yet, you gotta go watch it and thank you for listening and remember dudes extaculations my special. If you haven't seen it yet, you gotta go watch it. And thank you for listening. And remember, dude, extaculations.

Remember, dude, extaculations of amazement is the key to life. Thank you guys for listening. You guys are my babies. Congratulations. you