Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 423. Xer Rock

Episode Date: January 23, 2025

Get a shoutout on Congratulations: holler.baby/chrisdelia 🎤 MY SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is here: chrisdelia.com/god 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. This week was Trump's inauguration. Chris discusses Zuck, Chappelle, Kid Rock hitting on reporters, apples in New Zealand, and that gesture Musk made. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram, X, and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/chrisdelialive 𝕏 X: x.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey Spotify, this is Javi. My biggest passion is music, and it's not just sounds and instruments. It's more than that to me. It's a world full of harmonies with chillers. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. Bet MGM, authorized gaming partner of the NBA, has your back all season long. From tip-off to the final buzzer. You're always taken care of with the

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Laugh Factory, bunch of shows. Didn't mean to accept all of them, but I'm doing them. And then Santa Rosa and Stockton and Tacoma, Washington and Spokane and Peoria and Dubuque for some reason. And then I actually, I'm doing Ontario, uh, improv California. I'm going to do a night there. Um, uh, crystalia.com get your tickets. Um, and that's it. Now it's the new episode of Congratulations. I am fully prepared you know well I'm fully prepared the wind kicked up again and we're okay but the wind kicked up again and then I got some alerts that there were some brush fires around and then by the time I looked they were kind of out or whatever.

And that is what it is. Are we okay? Cause the important thing here this week, are we okay? You understand? Are we okay from the TikTok ban? Is everything okay with everyone? They banned, they joked, they jokingly banned TikTok for 18 hours or whatever it was. And that's okay. It's all good, right? Everybody in America was posting how they were banning TikTok on Instagram. I couldn't go on Instagram without looking at a picture of the home of the screenshot of TikTok is now banned in America.

And there's a major issue with that. Everyone already knows and everyone else is already posting it. So why are you posting it? Hedonker! And dude, it's insane that people were crying. Look, I know a lot of people make their income because of TikTok and all that. And the fact that they did ban TikTok was either a publicity stunt or just stupid because, hey, TikTok, you're already TikTok. Don't ban it now. Ban it way earlier.

You got all the information, China, because there's 900 trillion people on it. Because there's 900 trillion people on it. Hey, TikTok, don't get banned now. Come on. Hey, government, what you banning them now? That's like, dude, that's like if right now you gave Ted Bundy the electric chair. Hey, it's already gone. We are already basically all Chinese.

Hey, hey government, come on. Here's the other thing too. Meta, you've already got all the info. You got the data and I get it. Oh, you don't want to give them to China? I don't want it- Hey, if I'm giving my data to America, might as well be giving it to everyone else. I don't give a fuck. Ha! I'm not an international spy.

I'm just me. Hey China, have at it. Hey Kenya, wanna know where I am at all times? I don't give a shit. What's it matter? Hey, hey, government, always find me everywhere. I already messed it up. Like I'm too, I'm too, I'm too, you know, I went to Amazon fresh or whatever the heck

those fake grocery stores are called and they were like, you want to use your palm? And I was like, huh? They were just like, you want to put your palm down and just scan it and I'm like no I didn't set it up and then the guy behind me is like no way I'll never do that and I'm just like yeah hey dude it's too late hey guy you know do you have an iPhone in your pocket it's too late yo yeah it makes you feel important, you know, you're at Amazon Fresh, you're like, nah,

the government ain't getting me. Oot, oot, yeah, no, I want those Nutter Butters too. Oot, yeah, the government, nah, no, Palm, not for me. Oot, gushers, oot, fruit roll-ups, oot, just the biggest pig in the world. Caramel popcorn, oot. Gushers. Oot. Fruit roll-ups. Oot. Just the biggest pig in the world. Caramel popcorn. Oot. I don't... it's just... TikTok don't... dude, the fact that they were banning it now is ridiculous.

Ban it in its infancy. Get it as it is an embryo. It's a full-blown blown assassin right now it's too late um so that's fine dude so tick-tock went away for a few hours everyone broke they were crying screaming on tick tock on Instagram haha it's all good came back new what wanted to make Trump look good now everyone now the app is thinking by Hahaha, it's all good. Came back, knew it. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Wanted to make Trump look good. Now everyone, now the app is thinking, by the way, there isn't something that looks more like it's designed by China than when you sign back on and they say, thank you to the highest praise to President Trump. Thank you for letting us have Tiktok back. Chinese message or fact. Hey, dude.

Kenya. Have at it. Iceland. I'm here. You know, Madagascar. Swear I am. Okay? Singapore. Not a city. Um, whatever dude.

It doesn't matter. You know, people are like, love to act secretive, you know? Not a government. I don't, it's too late for us. We're the generation it's too late for. We're fucked. My generation, the like 35 to 55, they're fucked. We were killing it in too much of a gray zone

to absolutely get out of it at this point, right? Like we're in the younger than 35, younger than 25, some sort of revolution can happen. And some of the people who are in that revolution or, or in the factions where it's like, nah, now the government doesn't have, uh, my info. And I'm, you know, I'm untraceable. I never signed up for Meta. I never signed up for Tik TOK.

Those people don't exist. Those people are being born now. You understand the John Connors of the world. They're born now. Can you turn the heat off? We were born too late. We're, you can't go back. We're fucked.

If you're at Amazon fresh at all. We're you're already there. They already know. Okay. So don't worry about the TikTok ban. Also, it came back. Of course it did. And it was probably a publicity stunt for TikTok.

Although TikTok, my friend was like, it's probably, it's a probability. Uh, uh, it's a, it's a, it's a stunt. It's a publicity stunt for, uh, for TikTok. And I'm like, TikTok is already the biggest thing, you know, it'd be like if the rock already, if the rock came out as trans right now, you don't need to, you're already big, you don't need the press. I wish the rock would come out as trans right now. You don't need to, you're already big. You don't need the press. I wish the rock would come out as trans. Zur.

Zur. Zur rock. So yeah. In the meantime, So yeah, in the meantime, it's the inauguration today that we're recording this. I didn't watch a lot of it. Yes, dude. And that's an American, I guess. I don't know.

I don't care. I was thinking, what if I was like, you know, there were people there that I know. And there were people there that were like, I don't know if they were invited or what, or if you, I don't know if you buy tickets to it or what the fuck is it? You know, do people are like, can you get it on stub hub? And, um, are there scalpers? Inauguration got you tickets, got you tickets, who need tickets? Who need tickets? And, um, like, you know, Joe Rogan and Theo went and they all went and a bunch of those guys were there.

And it's like, I was imagining if I was there. You know, I know these guys and like I know like they'd want to go and god damn it. I don't, I have to, I get, everything is a, getting invited to stuff is so bad. Okay. It's just so bad. And I've been trying to be like, paying attention to my feelings and shit. And I don't want, you know, look,

I'm grateful for my life. I love my life. But anytime I get invited to something, I go, oh, that's nice. And then I go, but then I get invited to something I go oh that's nice and then I go but then I gotta go right like my friend invited me to his wedding and I was like fuck all right you better fucking like it that I come and I'm just like you know the today Kristen was like, I was at coffee and she's like, could you come home and we're gonna and

help me go pick up a bench? And I just go, the amount of times in my life I've had to pick up a bench for my wife is is just, how many benches? What do we got? What are we, a bus stop? Is is just how many benches where we got it were we a bus stop? huh So I go and you know, she probably offer up right god that offer up is crack crack to a housewife

Look look just look and it was $10. Look and it's just like a bowl with a and it's just like a bowl with a stem on it, and you can stand it up, and you're like, oh, yeah, and it looks vintage, and it's, oh, what do you use it for, huh? Oh, okay, 10 bucks, okay, cool, yeah. They accepted my bid, oh, okay. Oh, you put it there, yeah, that's cool,

oh, cool, it's there, oh, nice, you put it there. Yeah, that's cool. Oh, cool. It's there. Oh, nice. We have that now. And so we got a bench. Apparently the bench is like, was like a steel and it's squiggly and stuff.

So I'm like, all right, you know, I guess it's nice, fashionable, it was custom made. And we, Kristen's like, wanna go? And I'm like, well, yeah, I'll go with you. Let's go get it. And she's like, how big is this bench? And I was like, how big is this bench? And she's like, we'll take the Audi, it's big.

And I was like, okay. We're driving there and she starts listening to World War I fucking history podcasts. And I laugh and she's like, what? And I'm like, oh, nothing. She was like, are you interested in's like what I'm like nothing she's like are you interested in this so I'm like fuck dude I have to say yes right okay it's either it's either say no which is the truth and that's okay. However, it will you know You know, this is the argument right? It's like the seed

Time-lapse argument. Hey, do you want to listen to this podcast about World War one and fucking? Who's the guy? God who's the fucking guy that they kept talking about Grover Cleveland? No Woodrow Wilson. Yeah. No, not really. Hey, argument. And then then that's the argument, but then other stuff that's been bothering her.

Oh, I didn't know it was going to by the end of it. It's like the end of by the by the middle arguments at the end of Prometheus. The alien is just attaching itself. The argument is attaching itself to your to the back of your shoulders and fucking your mouth. Right. And and just and you go, oh, oh, actually, can we just go back and I say I like the podcast so you can say no and then have that all happen or you can just say yes but wait a minute dude that doesn't feel right because I'm not and I'm me dude and I've listened to way too much Tupac to say that I like a podcast that I don't like

Or to say that I have an interest that I that I don't have or am NOT into So she says you interested in this and I say no And she says, oh well, okay, do you mind if we listen to it? And I said, I don't mind as long as you really want to listen to it. If you don't really want to listen to it, then don't put it on. And she said, I really want to listen to it. And I said, okay. So we listened to it. And then whoopsie daisy, three minutes in, she said, wow, isn't that interesting? And I said, what?

And she said, what the guy did? And I said what the guy did and I said what guy? She said are you listening and I said no And she said oh Well, okay, and then she turned it off and I'm like, oh wait a second You don't have what you do I I said would you see I turned it off I said well why she said cuz you're not listening I said that's okay you can listen to it it's for you unwrap that gift hey Hey, let me be me and have birth.

So she says, oh, okay, as long as it's okay. She plays it. So we kept listening to it. Then, lo and behold, what the fuck me? I started listening. And you know what? I started learning about Woodrow Wilson and some other guy that I forget his name and World War I and how something happened and then the way somebody was made his actions do a

certain thing that transformed history or some fucking horseshit. I don't know, dude, but it was kind of interesting, dude. Okay? And then we get to the place. And it's a nice house. And we get out of the car and she puts the driver's seat forward and I say, oh no sorry, the passenger seat forward and I say, what are you doing?

And she says, well I'm making room for the bench. And then I say, oh, did you measure it? And she said, yes. And then I said, well then, if you move this seat so far forward, where are you gonna sit? And she said, I didn't think about that. What? Are you gonna drive on the top like Teen Wolf? Then they brought the bench out.

The bench out. The bench didn't fit no matter what. So I say, oh, I thought you measured it. Whoops. say oh I thought you measured it. Whoops. Uh and then uh she said can I drive? Because I feel nauseous when you drive. And I go hahahaha ha ha ha ha ha.

Dude, come on man, you know. I say, all right, yeah. Us driving home. What the fuck is real life, bro? See, this is why I don't believe in the, what do they call it, the matrix, the, I don't think we're hooked in. Cause like, why would you make it that real? You know what I'm saying?

Why would we be that? Why would it be that real? Like why, if this was in a simulation, that's what I'm looking for. How come, how come we're all not getting sucked off more, you know? The simulation would keep us sucked off, right? If we're honest, the simulation would keep us sucked off. So when somebody's like, you know we live in a simulation, I'm like, where's my BJ? We live in a simulation, how come the simulation isn't designed for someone to push my tank gently?

Right? Because, because it's too real. You understand? We're driving in. When you're driving in misery, there's no simulation. Right? When you have a three hour conversation about bench, there's no simulation, right?

Because you would, whoever made the simulation wouldn't make that part. Whoever made the simulation would go, wow, that's enough bench talk, right? Right? Right? But so I'm like, yeah, we're not plugged in. Because I had to talk about a bench for too long. Okay? And where's my suck off?

Right? How come women don't just have unlimited money then? And can go shopping and get their box cleaned out at the fucking, you know? Why don't women also like glory holes? You know what I'm saying? Like why can't they go to a fucking... Why not?

If it's a simulation, make them like glory... Make us all like glory holes. He makes fucking sense though dude there's you know I won't believe a simulation until my time becomes completely come a complete like just train wreck of a beautiful time. Cause, cause you know, right? Um, but anyway, it was Trump's inauguration and Elon Musk did the Heil Hitler. So that is, you know, that's the kind of stuff that people say, well, there's a simulation is this is crazy. He did Heil Hitler twice.

He did it once. And then we were, wait a minute. And then he doubled down and goes, Oh, he actually did it. Okay. You know, and I'm, look, I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. I'd, I'm the kind of guy that doesn't actually ever think ever anyone ever means anything on purpose and I won't, I'll always give someone the benefit of the doubt, doubt, like, like, uh, um, Elon Musk could have free for real, just

like done that more than that many times. And I would have been like, I mean, he's autistic though, right? So we don't know. Let's look at this Nazi salute. I mean, here we go. Calling all sellers. Salesforce is hiring account executives to join us on the cutting edge of technology. Here, innovation isn't a buzzword. It's a way of life.

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a sports book worth a slam dunk, an authorized gaming partner of the NBA. BetMGM.com book worth a slam dunk and authorized gaming partner of the NBA bet mgm dot com for terms and conditions must be 19 years of age or older to wager Ontario only please play

responsibly. If you have any questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Clear your schedule for you time

with a handcrafted espresso beverage from Starbucks. Savor the new small and mighty Cortado, cozy up with the familiar flavors of pistachio or shake up your mood with an iced brown sugar oat shaken espresso. Whatever you choose, your espresso will be handcrafted with care at Starbucks. Oh, I mean, you know, bit his lower lip when he did it. Oh, God, that's crazy. And then did it again behind him. I'm trying to think of how that feels, dude.

Jesus. Like even doing it, you think, oh, that's, that's just, don't do that. You know, whoops or say whoops afterwards. Whoops. Did the Nazi salute, didn't I? Or whatever his accent is. Um, and then, uh, wow. I, uh, look at this. If you're surprised Trump's inauguration has gone full Nazi, you

haven't been paying attention. There's a guy who definitely believes we're hooked into the matrix and doesn't believe my bench for three hours story. You get to not, I feel like you get to in your life, you get two mistake Nazi salutes right maybe maybe maybe three right like you're waving to your friend and you're like see you later dude and it just someone and you takes a picture and you go and then you see the picture like you know four weeks later and you're like, what the fuck was I doing? What am I a Nazi? You're like, oh, I shouldn't do that. And then maybe, you know,

in 16 years, there's a fly and you're just like, and somebody, and you know, someone takes a picture, you know, and you're just batting the fly away and you're like, and then you see that picture like, you know, four years later and you're like, Jesus Christ. away and you're like and then you see that picture like you know Four years later and you're like Jesus Christ. Oh, yeah, was there a fly or something? I can't remember I can't remember what it was And then and then and then you just to go like oh then that's in your mind though You're like, I got to stop by mistake doing all these Nazi salutes and then Maybe a third one but for no, then you're just straight up

And then maybe a third one, but four, no. Then you're just straight up, you know, of the Aryan brotherhood and that's fine. But like that you, you know, why, I mean, it's not fine. But like, then it's like doing it, using your two mistake Nazi salutes in 0.9 seconds is just wild dude so you know did he already say something on X about it the guy the guy will say something on X about it he did post a clip oh his clip cuts away before he does that. It's hilarious. Okay, so he

obviously, you know, I guess didn't mean to. Oh, this is very good. That is very good. Yes, we like actually I'm actually a big fan of Elon Musk. I had no idea. Anyway, dude, I don't think he's a Nazi. I think it was a mistake. I think that everyone makes stupid mistakes way more than we give them credit for. Um, and so whatever. It was like the one when Morgan Freeman, what was the one where Morgan Freeman, or there were two when Me Too was real big.

Uh, and, and one of them made, made a try to get, they were trying to pretend like Adam Sandler was a thing cause he like, he like Pat Drew Barrymore's knee or something. And then there was another one though that was, was it Michael Caine or was it Morgan Freeman? Cause they're both the same guy. They just, they're just, they both have different makeup. They are both the same guy. Right.

And so, but I think it was more of Freeman and he was just like, he said something that they took out of context and then they tried to meet to him. He says them to an interviewer and it's just like, fuck off. Wait, why did I start talking about that? I don't remember. It doesn't matter. But, uh, anyway, my fucking,

we were, we were, oh, what, what I want to, oh, the fucking Morgan Freeman. Yeah, what was it? I was on to look it up. We were looking up, I was on, dude, my son Billy is Chris Farley. It's insane. It's insane. We watched Chris Farley. It's insane. It's insane.

We watched Chris Farley, they love it. Here we go. What was I saying? Morgan Freeman, Morgan, Morgan Freeman, me too. Here, here we go. Oh wait, he was accused of sexual misconduct? Was that what I was talking about or no? Multiple women of sexual misconduct? Eight women?

When was this? Six years ago. Now it's Morgan Freeman's turn to feel the wrath of the Me Too movement. Dude, so dumb. Like it's a movie, like it's a Morgan Freeman movie. Now it's Morgan Freeman's turn. Like the idea that it's someone's turn, dude. Eight women are coming forward to accuse the 80-year-old Oscar

winner of inappropriate behavior. Hey, dude, say it way sooner. He's 80 Right when I walked into the room he began to make sexually suggestive comments to me one accuser. That's all good No worries, right? Uh-huh an Entertainment reporter Chloe Moloss who says free Remarks to her when he was promoting that's the one that she didn't article about me with Alan Arkin and Michael Kane The whole world was six months pregnant at the time. She interviewed the three-star. God dude

this is the one that did an interview or a article about me dude, and Then she did the one about Jay Z When when when they when they did the interview and they tried to interview the fucking person that... Oh my god, the world's a joke. Dude, how do they let this shit go down? Ugh. Ugh. I can't wait. I can't. Dude, I can't wait till...

You know, a lot of men have been taken accountability. I can't wait till, you know, some of these fucking people have to also. I'm just fucking sweaty. And that's just kind of how it's going to be. I was at, um, what do you call it? Fresno and San Luis Obispo. And I did two shows and they were fucking awesome dude. I hadn't performed a full hour for, uh, two months, you know, like a full act.

I've done, I've done our shows, but not like a full act. Like I did some crowd work and stuff, but, and, uh, it was just great, dude. The Fresno crowd was awesome. And then San Luis Obispo crowd goes, hold my beer. And I'm like, what? Why do people live in Fresno? And so, San Luis Obispo is a cute ass town. It's like three hours away from LA or something like that.

It's a college town. It's too cute. It's the kind of town where you like you know what they would they would make a fucking a movie with it will be a movie that came out in 1999 and Matthew McConaughey would be the lead and it would be before he people thought he was a good actor and He would be in the movie and so would

Who's the one from speed sondra bullock and it'd be called like missed chances or making good you know ah fuck these movies right um fuck everybody been me too, huh? That's crazy. It's so weird how they pick people to just to have it stick to. And then other people it's like, like Colin, Conor and Gregor is just like, he got accused of it and then in civil trial got civil court found guilty and then he's just like I Guess he lost a lot of shit though that that that you know I never believe anything so oh all right well Honestly at least fucking

God I hate woke shit I hate woke shit. I hate won't you. Um, let's get this here going. Here we go. I need to pay now. I know. I know. I know it seems silly.

The fine is 200 New Zealand dollars. Didn't see that coming. Big, big problem. This particular flight, a Qantas flight from LA to Auckland is handing out lunch packs or bags and they've got apples in every one of them. People are just putting them in their hand luggage on the way out. So we've got a couple on the go. The tally keeps... Big problem? No. Well, I don't know, I guess.

But one time I was in... I guess I was in Australia. No, or Canada? I don't know where I was. But I was coming back. I was eating a banana before I got to... What do you call it? Customs.

Because you go through customs before you go back home, okay, before you get on the plane. I had the banana and I was eating it and the guy said, okay, do you have anything to declare? I said, he said, any money, you know, over $10,000? I said, no. And then he said, any food or anything like that? And I'm like, no, oh, just this banana. And I threw it away and he goes, all right, in that room, you can't have that. And I'm like, no, oh, just this banana. And I threw it away and he goes, all right, in that room,

you can't have that. And I was like, well, I just threw it away. He's like, doesn't matter. I'd almost missed my flight, for real. I almost missed my flight. And I was like, dude, I'm swallowing the banana. What the fuck? I'll shit it out.

And I had to do that. And I made my flight, thank God. But that, it's just the power trips that they get on Seven apples Bro the fucking plane gave him an apple and now they gotta be fine. Ha ha ha ha. Here you go, take this, make sure if you don't eat it you save it. They're just trying to make money, that's how they make money dude.

Technically it is the passengers responsibility. Oww! To know what's in their luggage and to make the declaration. Look at this guy. The bad news is that there is a fine. Yeah. Okay, so the fine is 200 New Zealand dollars. Okay, so what I'll do is I'll just get it right through this. Yes. It's not the end

of the world. Okay. She's crying. Oh, this is something. Oh, wow. That wow, that's a woman thing to do, huh? Just to cry out all the stress. Hey, not smoking out, okay? Stupid apples. Stupid apples. Hair tissue. Oh, sweet, there's fucking, there's famine. Sweetie, it's okay, there's dysentery, it's all good. People die of cancer all day long, everywhere,

it's all good. Didn't see that coming. Silly apple. It's a piece of open airway, you can ask the flight attendant who gave it to me. Michelle, I understand, I do understand. silly apple that is so insane dude here's the deal they put me in a really fucked up situation alright like I agree with you you, they gave it to you. It's basically like they're trying to smuggle apples.

I think Contus is trying to smuggle apples into the wherever the fuck we are right now. And it's like, I don't, you know... I agree with you. I'm on your side. But like, you know, I'm in a bit of a blind air. Right? Give me the fucking money, right? Because it's like, I'm in a bit of a blind this is my job we we don't have any say over what a foreign airline does a dude they did it right before they land that's hilarious dude! Here you go, it's your apple and there's your box of smallpox. And bullets.

There we go. Let's uh, so you're gonna wanna check in right there. What? What's this? I got an apple in a box. What's this? A box? Let's open it up.

Oh. It's smallpox, isn't it? Polio is smallpox. Alright, now what's this here? Our billets. Alright, come over here. There's a fine for that. Oh, so she lied.

They got her in a lie now. Dude, this is awesome. Honestly, this is what it's like arguing with my wife sometimes. You're just like, you gave me the apple and then you... I gave it to you when you're traveling to this country. So yeah, I'm not happy about it. They shouldn't, they should A, either let you know. This is what it was.

This is so funny, because this woman is dealing with something that, like dudes have been in this situation so much when it comes to like getting like laid. Like well I didn't I thought she wanted me to kiss her I I mean dude she was like looking at me and like what she's wearing and like this is so funny it's the same thing. The apple was given to me four minutes ago and now I'm getting fine $200 for it I told her I told her I told her I wanted to you know I told her I wanted to kiss and then when I did kiss she got mad this is exactly the same fucking thing that's actually what it should be if you if you misread signs that I think that's to be if you misread sign sexually you

should be fined you can't bring that piece that specific piece of food that they gave you on your way somewhere I don't want to do I don't want to do anything if you do nothing it gets issued with the district court. So you're here for longer than the 14 days, okay? Well, I did it. I brought in the apple. I brought in an apple. So you can either pay now. I know it seems silly. I know it seems silly, Michelle.

No, no, no. See, that's like some hardcore stuff right there. There's not too much. In the meantime, people with coke and butterfly knives just walking by. I think that's like some hardcore stuff right there. There's some sumas. I think, okay. Yeah, I think- In the meantime, people with Coke and butterfly knives just walking by, you know? I would say, you shouldn't have brought an apple. You should have brought an apple. Now it's the bigger, it is a bigger fine.

It's $400. Accidentally had an apple at an airport. This is from two years ago. Well you know dude honestly you're dude it's like if you're kind of if you have an apple with you you're an asshole you know what I mean? You know it's 2025 have fucking cheese its have something that's you know in a in a in a clow what do they call it what's that thing kosher yeah keep it kosher dude you know you just bring in the fruit somewhere like what are you doing what is the 50s who the fuck brings an apple somewhere? Right? Are you four?

Then you shouldn't be traveling. If you're just a 35 year old and you just got an orange for later, you piece of shit. Get chizz-its. you want energy buy a Nutri-Grain bar Got four you should be fine $400 if someone sees you storing an apple on the go period no matter where you are Driving from Glendale to fucking Burbank anything beyond that I'm sorry. Hey, what? Yeah. You know, honestly, what's the problem? Oh, I was going to speed limit. Yeah.

I thought I saw fucking. Yeah, I did there. There it is on the dash. I see a banana. You can take this up with your, uh, this is $400. And right there you brought one around like you're four or like it's the 1950s. So you can't be foreign driving and you don't have a time machine. So here's your ticket.

Um, look at this. This comment says pay it for him. This is why it's important to educate any foreign guests you invite about the biosecurity rules. No, disagree wholeheartedly. That's the game, dude. You understand? That's the game.

I got, they got me. They got me on a technicality. That's the game. Fuck it. Charge it's the game. Oh, I got f**ked. They got me. They got me on a technicality. That's the game. F**k it. Charge it to the game. I lost $400 because I charged it to the... I have to charge... That's game tax, dude. Um... Look at this. Look at this. $400 is a lot and there is no harm in writing and requesting payment options so it doesn't

hit you all at once. I would recommend giving it a go. But honestly, one way where Apple could crumble the New Zealand economy, well intended or not, there is a reason rules are so strict. Isn't that crazy? Or is that guy crazy? You know? I don't know.

Um, God, what, what, what great content that would be for a tick tock if that happened. Here they are. Kid Rock. I mean I can't see you right now so I don't know what you look like. Kid Rock. Well I look like I'm ready to hit the slopes I can tell you. I'm in full on ski gear here with my hash gloves the whole thing ready to rock. Why does everybody from the BBC sound fucking exactly the same? It's so crazy.

That's a man or woman. That's a man. Dump against the, don't you? I love to go skiing. I love to go skiing. You sound sexy. You want to go with me? Hey guy.

What's it, 2005? Just killing it. Just living on another level. I mostly fuck a lot. So, well, he goes, Oh, dude, really sold it with the shoulder nod. Love it. She can't see him either.

And did the shoulder nod. Yo, Kid Rock. So much silence, dude. Love to go skiing. You you sound sexy you want to go with me the shoulder well we won't get into that right here so we're no skiing today we've got a day of broadcasting to do but kid off thank you so much for joining us here on BBC news enjoy your day. He's basically Snoop Dogg. I mean they're turning into the same person. Well let's have a look at the timeline of today's inauguration event. I mean just

it's unbelievable how much people get thrown off you know. let's see that this. I love to go skiing. You sound sexy. You want to go with me? Well, we won't get into that. That's too long. Drowning just drowning, dude. Fucking when she talks, starts talking in over her head. Right here. Watch. When she talks starts talking in over her Here watch well we won't get into that right here fucking my bed

Wow dude, oh wow somebody say he looks like Snoop Dogg. That's funny. I just said that Man you know I just said that. Man. You know, this is the thing, is that now it's going back to this because... Remember, by the way, Meta, or Facebook, it was Facebook, and how it was... Like now, Zuckerberg is like,

okay, so actually we're gonna go back, just because the president changed. We're not gonna fact check anymore. It's actually, we're not gonna fact check anymore. Dude, they should just call it a whoops book. It's, it's not, it's, it's it's, you know, which way the wind blows book.com dude, whoever's president doc. It's, it's, it's dude. And he's just like, um,

so we're not going to, so now, so, and we've listened and we do it. It's like now cause he's got a chain. We believe him. Right. And a, and a, and a, and a, and a, uh, uh, drop shoulder T and curls. Hey, Zach, you getting divorced and that's all good, right? Um, oh man. You gotta be careful with dudes with too many hobbies too. Or when somebody gets a hobby and then full throttle gets all the gear,

you gotta be wary, right? Remember when he was in a smoked meat? I'm a smoked meat sir, smoked meat sir. We're gonna have a smoked meat sir, a meats, a brisket, meats, and now he's just like in the UFC? Hey! Gotta be careful with guys like that, you know? All of a sudden into yoga, all of a sudden, you know building Legos and shit. You can't trust a motherfucker like that.

And that's why I remember when, Oh, how about though, how Facebook started with raiding women, dude, we're going back to that hot. Are you hot or not? Um, yeah, dude, I just think that that's, uh, uh, wait, I remember this. I saw this before. This is great. This is great.

She got, she got Jamaican. She got to do Jamaican. Jess, her name is Jessie Nelson. Oh. Oh. What are you... Oh, my man. Uh... That... That actually hurt me, dude.

Wow. I feel it inside me. That's pretty, that's pretty weird. Huh? Like that something can do that. Is that that they could do that? Like nothing was happening. I was just chilling and then I saw something and it felt like a physical thing inside me. That's crazy. I don't want to watch it again and I want to watch it again.

Oh, that is incredible. how shit can make you feel. Okay, I'm going to watch it again. Oh, what was what? What? What? What, dude? Oh, what was what, what, what, what, dude? What was she trying to say?

Well, you know what would be amazing if she did that. And within one second later, the lady next door pulled out a gun and shot her own head off. That is wild. That is wild. Oh, somebody said, this is out of context or accent was okay. This is an inside joke between them when they say something funny and they don't know what to say. Oh, okay. Well, Hey, you know, we're all watching.

So that's the, who's more annoying than the guy who does an inside joke with you and you're in company that isn't with the inside joke. And you just got to be like, Oh yeah, no, cause okay. So we actually have an, it's an inside joke thing. It's on, it's on you, you know, cause you don't want to be uncomfortable. And the dude made it uncomfortable. You got to fucking explain yourself, man. Fuck that.

Barrejne. Look at Elon Musk on just rolling. Yeah. Oh, getting sucked off. Oh, getting sucked. Dude. The guy next to him on the left or on his right, I guess finger Finger scooped up under him. You could tell the two of them.

Look at the guy on the left of the video scooped up under him and just enjoying the shit out of it. And then Elon Musk just loving it. Oh, and then the guy nodding. Yeah. Yep. I'm scooping up under you. That's what he, oh my God, dude. Just fucking handful of undertaint.

Just. Just fucking handful of undertaint. Just... God. Everyone's on drugs, you know? The billionaires had dope seats. The billionaires just had fucking just straight up meet and greet, front row, dope seats. Can I get on the list? And then after that, people from Congress, you know, oligarchy. So it's all good.

Money's the thing that you need to have, dude. Otherwise. What is this fucking world coming to, dude? I hope they make America great again. I really do. I really do. Otherwise, barekhne. You know?

That's going to be my platform when I run for president. Barekhne. Vote for me. Dude. Wow. That sucks. That sucks that that lady said that. I love videos and shit. You ever get lost in a huge vortex of just videos and you're like, what am I

looking at dude? It'll be like human body verse nuclear explosion or something. And you're like, Oh dude, what are the other ones like though? Um, I bought every online mystery box. Like, okay. Bro, what's up with podcasts? I bought every online mystery box, like, okay. Bro, what's up with podcasts? Is this too many? Right?

Hey, tiny desk concert, no. Hey, get a bigger room. Hey, it's too crowded. Hey, dude, what's up with all those band members? Hey, get them out. Hey, dude, fucking only read in there. Hey, that room sucks. Hey, guys?

Hey, guys in Tiny Desk Concert. Hey, stop doing it. Everyone watching it, turn it off. Sing Alone, don't watch, dude. Tiny Desk Concert. Change the name. Change everything about it, dude. Change everything about it. Everything. Everything, dude. Everything. I don't want any flute players, I don't want any fucking bass players. Give them more room or have less people and don't invite fucking CeeLo. No! Every- it's- dude!

How come, man? How come? Tiny desk concert, dude. I don't know anything about the hot ones, hot ones, dude. That's another one. I did it, but. I remember the time they asked me to do hot ones or my manager was like, so you want to do hot ones? And I was like, what's that?

And he was like, oh, it's a, you eat wings and get interviewed. And I go, no. And he's like, it's really popular. And I was like, what? He's like, yeah, it's like a really popular interview show. And I was like, all right, if you want me to do it, I'll do it. And I did it and I go, and I did it. And then I left and I go, that was boring.

I fucked up. I ruined that. And then it got millions of views. And I was just like, bar, eh, eh, um, tiny ruined that. And then it got millions of views. And I was just like, tiny desk concert is just has all the fixings to make me want to be constipated for real. I can't believe how much I don't like that kind of stuff. I got to get better at liking stuff, dude. I really got to get better at liking stuff.

Like, like it's just like, you know, when people are doing something, I don't want to do it, dude. Oh yeah? Oh, you know what? Okay, I'll just be fucking Dexter. How about that? I'm not in, I'm not into it. Oh, oh, you're talking to the guy that stopped doing vines once people started doing vines. I'm done, okay? That's... I got to a million followers on Vines. I was one of the first guys to a million followers and then after that I go, I'm not doing it if this is how it's going to be. Corny as fuck, I'm done. Dude, that's who you're dealing with. Want to go to Tiny Desk Concert? Imagine saying that. Imagine being like,

want to go to Tiny Desk Concert? Oh saying that. Imagine being like, want to go to a Tiny Desk Concert? Oh, really? Who's playing? Andre 3000. What? How many people are invited? Oh, too many for the room. Yeah? How many? Oh, there's already too many fucking band members. And people use bands when they don't use bands on albums. And then they use the bands in the Tiny Desk Room because they need to figure out how to put too many people in the room so they use too many band members and then also there's too many people in it and then we film it there's too many cameraman and then it sounds not as good even though people pretend it

sounds better so anyway it's all good so tiny desk. I'm gonna call it something shitty. Go ahead. I invest in AI. I invest in crypto. I go and wake up today and check my stocks. I get mad because they didn't move. And I think something's wrong until I realize it's MLK Day and that the stock market is not open today. Okay. So I checked the stock. Oh, dude. Yeah. I didn't buy fucking that new Trump meme coin. Right.

Couldn't even find it on Robinhood. Found it on crypto. Let's see where it's at now. Do you guys invest? Oh, it went way down again. Let's see where it's at now. Do you guys invest? Oh, it went way down again. Let's see. I think it's gonna be all right. Let's see, what did I get?

Did I win? I also bet on Kalshi, that cool thing where you can just bet on, I guess I lost 160 bucks on that Trump meme going, okay. But Kalshi's cool because you can just go and bet on shit. Like, oh dude, is my cousin gonna get HIV? And you could just be like, and it's like 80% no. And you're like, he doesn't use really a condom and he's fucking in some weird rooms. But, uh, and then, but I bet on will they ban TikTok and I go, no way.

And I put a fucking G on it and I was like, oh, I'm gonna make eight Gs. And then they fucking banned it. Technically, they brought it back but they banned it so I got fucked out of a jig. Appreciate ya and that's good for now. Happy birthday to anyone whose birthday it is and I really appreciate ya. Sign up for our Patreon, patreon.com slash Kristalija. Appreciate ya. I love you, bitch!