Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 426. The Answer Is Me

Episode Date: February 6, 2025

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Or shake up your mood with an iced brown sugar oat shaken espresso. Whatever you choose, your espresso will be handcrafted with care at Starbucks. You know, uh, let's get things started as the black IPs would say. Let's get things. Let's get it started. Let's get it started in here. Black and indigenous people of color. Black and indigenous people of color. Keeping the beat.

Lesbian gay by, and queer. Dude, I did not hear this yet. I only heard the black and Indigenous people of color part. Stopped it, and I said, got to see it on the podcast. So this is the rest. And then she started going to trans and all other people that are, I guess, marginalized.

Lesbian, gay, bi, transgender and queer. Asian, American, Pacific, Islander. And whites at the end. Uh, I, I, I bet whites isn't part of this, uh, these lyrics, but let's check it out. And whites who are heterosexual and men who fuck women what if at the end she said these are all the people that are the scum of the earth I don't think that I'm just saying I'm just saying I'm just saying. I'm just saying.

Grassman Strauss. Had to do it. Well, she fixed it. She fixed it. She fixed it. She fixed it. Dude! And didn't edit out the part where she touches it and cuts it out. This is great. BIPOC song by Molly Gawler. Molly Gawler! I encourage collaboration on this. Anyone have any other lines to add? I do.

It's a bit of a chant cool I think we could add a super high part or a super low part that sings women what are you here okay yeah so Black and Indigenous, people of color, Black and Indigenous, people of color, Whites also whites since she doesn't mention whites Whites whites men who have sex with women men men straight whites also since it's the only one she doesn't Mention she mentions Romani for chrissakes she mentions Creole for chrissakes. She mentions more money and Creole For chrissakes and doesn't mention whites. Dude, where are Indians? Romani, dude. That's my favorite cheese.

Honestly, dude, it kind of slaps. If I'm honest, if a movie started with this and I didn't listen to the lyrics, I'd be like, I'm kind of in, dude. We all have a place in this world. How does she hit it and not make her chest go vibrato? You know what? Shout to Molly Gawler. Molly Gawler. um encourage let's get a collaboration going with her. MollyFaye8 on Instagram and there's obviously she did put didn't put the comments on there because everyone would

be so racist and I don't agree with racism dude. ums indigenous people of color so yeah, so that's it for her. She is triple quadruple platinum Okay Valentine's Day is coming up. What are you guys doing? You guys gonna get your splurt on or what you guys gonna romance? You're gonna do nice stuff for your wives and your well not really husbands right well if you are a homosexual which is fine blacks indigenous people of color then what you would do is something nice for your homosexual husband if he is the bottom not if he's the top if he's the top this day isn't for him bram shoot man whites okay so um anyway what are you doing for for Valentine's Day. I just, you know, am just having a good time, okay, in life. And

comedy is just what it is. So don't be upset. I think honestly, I was trying to, I was talking about this in couple of therapy. If I had to stop dissecting things that I think are funny, for instance, the way my wife hands me something, right? She hands it, always hands me something like right here. It'll be right here. And she thinks it's good because it's real close. For those of you that audio listeners, really close to my chin. For those of you that audio listeners, really close to my chin. For those of you that to the side of my chin, for those of you that's something good

because it's close, it's not. Because what hand do I grab it with? What do I do? What do I do this? No. What do I do this? No. So every time she does it,

babe, why do you hand it to me like it's a chip I'm supposed to eat? And I'm just, I go, babe, can you, I'm over. And then I look like a jerk, you know, I'm like, can you put it over in front of me a little bit more so I can grab it? So anyway, I want to, if I couldn't dissect that, if I couldn't think about how funny that was, I couldn't live. I couldn't breathe, life would be done.

And I was talking about that, because you know, obviously that's, let me, let's look, let's, when we get down to breast tacks, that's very annoying for a partner. I'm annoying. I'm an annoying person. Okay? You either get the humor or you don't. Now if you do get it, it's constant. So either, either, if you do get it or don't get it, it's still

annoying. Black Latino, Indigenous of color, and so what you, what you get is highly irritated. Now I can't stop. I can't stop, stop, stop. That's dissecting idiosyncratic stuff. I can't stop, stop. So, and I was talking to you, we were talking about how it's 24 seven

and how it's constant. And I was said to her, I was like, we gotta figure this out because I can't, it's gotta 7 and how it's constant and I was said to her I was like we got to figure this out because I can't it's got to be so difficult being with a comedian. Do you understand? I mean dude I'm here and I have this podcast and I do this and I talk this I get it out. I get it out and I still Like I think the hour after do my podcast, my wife is probably just walking on sunshine. Oh, it's gonna feel good. And then an hour later, I'm just like, how can we left the door like this?

If you close it and you keep the latch on, then it'll just won't lock from the outside. It'll lock from the outside, not the inside. And she's just like, I don't give a fuck. And I get it. But if I couldn't do that stuff at least in my head I die Do you understand and I'm telling her this to I'm telling the therapist is and the third and then and then afterwards We're talking about it and Kristen says that's how I am with projects. I said really I Said if you I she said if I couldn't do projects I'd rather die

Dude and that's wild man, I believe her and that is wild believe women and I and that is just wild because That is just what for projects Wow, I can't not do it though. How about that? I can't not do it, you know for instance for instance, the other day I got a coffee at this place and I took a picture of it. I'll put it up on the video here. There is a, I go to this coffee shop, okay? And it's called La La Land, all right?

Now it's a chain. It's got great espresso. If you're near La La Land, it right? Now it's a chain, it's got great espresso. If you're near La La Land, you know, it's like this yellow place, it's good at branding, but it's got great espresso. I go there, I get espresso, okay? Lately, they have had this, basically it's a trash can. And you know what?

I don't know if you'll hear this or what, you know? Cause the other day I talked about this other place, this other restaurant, and then two days later, some guy was like, hey man, at the gym he was like, heard the thing about that. I worked there and the owner was laughing. I'm like, oh great. Well, okay. So maybe you'll hear about this and if you do, great. And it's always embarrassing a little bit for me when people bring it up in the real world, but fine. So at this spot there is a thing there is a uh uh uh basically it's a big cardboard box that's this big all right and you know I would say four feet no yeah four feet and and uh boxed and it's got a top on it okay but there's a circle cut out in the middle

now what's that that's one thing that is one thing okay that's one thing and that is where you put your trash that's a trash can I don't care what color it is I don't care if it's wrapped nice during Christmas you understand you know like hey it's a toy drive I still put my trash in there because I'm so used to putting trash in a trash can. You don't want me to be a litter bug, right? So you've conditioned me, life and the government, to put trash in things that have a top

with a circle cut out into it. So I put things like wrappers, old coffee cups, napkins, I put them in there. Now since, now I'm looking at this thing, and the first few days I look at this thing and I'm like, that's interesting that they do this when they could just buy a trash can. Don't have a cardboard one, don't make one.

This is the stuff I'm thinking, before I'm thinking it's something else, and then I go like this, oh, wait a second, maybe it's not a trash can. And then, instead of the stuff I'm thinking before I'm thinking it's something else and then I go like this Oh, wait a second. Maybe it's not a trash can and then Instead of checking I leave because who fucking cares? It's just a thought I had now. I gotta go do something else As i'm doing a bunch of other things every now and then for the rest of the day I think about that trash can now i'm crazed. That's fine

But that's what i'm thinking of and i'm like Is it a trash can or not? I go back again. I see it. I don't check yet. I don't know if it's because I'm a self-sabotager or what. Or if I want to be bothered by it secretly. But finally the third day I look at it and it says, although there's a little thing on it, in the back of it it says, this is not a trash can. And I go, oh it's not a trash can and obviously they put that sign there because people were putting trash in it and of course they're putting trash in it because it's a basket with a top on it and a hole cut out in the middle now I look at it and that's all I do I don't think what else is it for I just go oh it's not a trash can okay another day later I look at

it and I say there's that thing and it says this is not a trash can okay another day later, I look at it and I say, there's that thing and it says, this is not a trash can. Another day I go back, because this is my spot, another day I go back and I see this thing and it's in a different place. It's in a different place in the store. And on top of it, it has a sign, a big sign now that's written and it says, this is not for trash. So people just keep just going, that's written and it says this is not for trash okay

so people just keep just going like just not thinking about there's no condition throwing stuff with the top on it with a hole cut in the middle of it that it's trash that they throw their trash in there they don't give a fuck what it's for okay and then i say oh wow okay i notice it now big time then on the next day i go back there and there is a sign now it's a different sign it's bigger and it says this is not trash okay and it is over the hole on the top of it okay so I'm just like hey get a different container. You know, dude, you're fucking your whole time up here.

And under it, it says this is for donations for the fire. Hey, they get trash then. What are we supposed to do? Take off our sweater and put it in? It's for clothes for the fire? Dude, hey, get a different, hey, keep it open. Open it up so people can see what's in it, dude. There's a little hole and people, it's at a place where you have so much shit to throw away. You know the coffee, at a coffee shop? Dude, you got a paper cup, you got the sleeve on it, you got the top on it, you got the sugar packets, you got

napkins, you got the stirrer, you got the milk, there's so much shit to throw away! And they put this fucking thing there! And then they have to have a sign over the hole, it's like, dude now it's closed! And I'm just like, oh dude, this kind of shit, I love it dude! And I think about it so much. And I couldn't wait to talk about it on the podcast, man. Because if I talk about it with my wife, she'll be annoyed because people in the community is annoying.

Dude, I cannot understand. I just, I can spend all day thinking about that, man. And laughing, dude, that there's some yucks just sitting there like well we put a sign on it get a basket put a shirt in it oh man it's so great dude it is so great that's the kind of shit that sends me darling you send me honest you do honest you do oh you music used to suck dude it still sucks but in a different way um Um, oh God, it's so funny. And I'm just like...

Black and Indigenous people of color. Uh, you know what I mean, dude? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha That's the kind of stuff I think about. And I won't stop, dude. I can't stop. Dude. Oh, gosh. Whenever I think maybe I'll stop the podcast, I have a Rip Roarin' episode. And then I'm like, you know what? Maybe we won't ever stop it.

Well, no, we won't stop it. We won't stop it. But I did go to this place recently. Wait, hold on actually let's talk about this what the fuck is Kanye West doing hey your chick she's naked arrest her hey her tits are all out hey we could see it move if it queefs hey yeah everybody's perfect but it's like, uh, what's going on? He just stands there.

She takes off the mint coat on the Grammys. You think I give a fuck about a Grammy? Half of you critics gonna dump me. And so, um, she takes it off. Her bombs are out and she is naked, right? I guess she's got something over her and hey, kick her out, right? I kick her out. It's illegal.

You know? This whole world is crazy. I don't even care. Dude, I wish he showed up naked for real. Both of them together, be naked. I wanna see both of your genitals, of your you know chest areas Kanye let's see what's up you know and people are like you know oh he's controlling you know the power that he has over it's like dude hey she's a fucking grown woman okay she can she can dress she could put on a button down if she

wants huh she could put on pants if she wants she's exposed in the quiv maker because she just like she's loving it she's loving it somehow this will be Kanye's fault right when it's like actually it's just illegal to show up at a place naked. Right? And so, you know, it's like when people are like glorifying the lady who took a thousand dudes, she had slept a thousand dudes in like 12 hours and she's like, yeah, I had sex with a 19 year old. I took his virginity and his mom picked him up.

And it's like, and everyone's like, oh, that's crazy. Hey dude, imagine. His virginity and his mom picked him up and it's like everyone's like, oh, that's crazy. Hey, dude imagine Imagine So I'm just like and imagine if it was a black Indigenous person of color all fine But I'm just saying dude Arrest anyone naked anywhere or don't. But don't have a double standard. Do not. Okay? I gotta explain to my kids now that there's

just a lady with a with bombs and her queef maker out on a red carpet. So I Um, so I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Um, the, uh, I was at this restaurant. I, so I'm at this restaurant. He's probably going to hear this because he's a fan, but I go to this restaurant and the dude there is like, you know, it's a new restaurant where I live. And the dude there is just like, you know, it's one of those things, you know, my shit, I go, I order at the counter. That's my shit. If I got to, if I got to sit down, it's too official.

If I have to sit down and a waiter comes up, I'm, I'm, I'm, dude, this is not, let me just, let me just be like this, that or on a kiosk, you know? And then it shows. Even if I don't have to talk to anyone, even better. So I get there and this guy's like, yo, Chris D'Alia, I gotta say, you know, and he works there, it's great. Really nice, super cool.

I say, hey buddy, he's like, oh man, he starts telling me about my podcast, he starts telling me about other things. He starts telling me about, you know, nice guy. Every time I go there now, he's like, Oh dude, what's all good. All, all good. All good. Uh, I find him quite nice.

Uh, conversing with him is fun. You know? Um, he says, Hey, let me ask you a question. This is like the fourth time I've seen him. My girl, she cheated on me. I said, oh, yeah? And he said, yeah. It was a few weeks ago I found out. She cheated on me with a fucking 70 year old.

And there we were looking at each other for a while after that because who knows who's supposed to say something after word after that is said. I didn't know. I guess it was my turn. Uh, cause he stopped for a while. So I said, a 70 year old? He said, yeah. And I said, how old is she?

And he said, 20, you know, something, whatever it was. And I say, oh my God. And he's like, is that fucked up? And I was like, yeah. I mean, he was like, uh, yeah. I mean, he was like, I don't know. Like, I don't know if I can get over it. I told her recently today, like, I don't know if I could get over it. And I was like, yeah, yeah.

I look, I think, look, people fuck up. And you know, if you want to forgive your girl for cheating, okay, that's, that's, that's that's you know nice and noble if you can get through that the issue is he's 70 okay so if that's what you like dude if Kristen was like hey gotta tell you something I cheated on you with a guy he's well I guess in her case it would be he's he's 80 I would say oh you got deep probes and it or I would say how much money did you make because the guy was like so I guess like she says it's not for money but like she doesn't want to talk about it

like is it for money and I said oh yeah't wanna talk about it. Like, is it for money? And I said, oh yeah, dude. I just said it to the guy. I said, it's for money, dude. It's for money. You know, split it. I'm just, that is a wild thing to say to a customer, but I'm glad he did because wow, you gotta get that stuff out.

You gotta get that stuff out, got to get that stuff out right because that is wild if you didn't get it out that could become cancer later right the score bed app here with trusted stats and real-time sports news yeah hey who should I take in the Boston game? Well, statistically speaking. Nah, no more statistically speaking. I want hot takes. I want knee jerk reactions. That's not really what I do.

Is that because you don't have any knees or? The score back trusted sports content, seamless sports betting download today. 19 plus Ontario only. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or the gambling of someone close to you, please go to Connix Ontario dot CA Jaden Smith at the Grammys was wild right he wore a house

Let me see here wait why is it not playing I mean, just Willow's in underwear and then Jayden is wearing a house on his head. So it's a castle, I guess. I did think though, if you did get kicked out, you could be like, if somebody tried to kick him out, he'd be like, uh, hello, I live here. Um, actually I live here. So go home. I'm actually, that is insane. Imagine that, imagine he got like in an argument with somebody.

That's the, do you know what I'm saying like imagine you see him in a heated argument with somebody with that fucking castle on his head Hey Jade, and I lied. I you know, I I ran into him recently. I love the guy. Hey, dude Take that castle off your head That's hilarious and I mean here the thing people... it's so dumb when people are like, look how stupid, look at this, it's so dumb. Dude, that's why he's doing it. Nobody... he doesn't think it looks good. You know? He's just like, ah yeah, wear a fight dude I'm on a castle on my head fuck around right life is so ridiculous anyway you know props to him for wearing a fucking castle on his head

the whole Grammys are ridiculous dude I mean Kendrick Lamar won for the the song where he's basically I mean dude the, the whole, everyone, here look, I think I have it here. Okay, not taken away, the song is a banger, okay? It's a great, I love it. ["Tryin' to Strike a Chord"] Everyone is in there doin' it. He just called Drake a pedo, right? And now everyone like Beyonce,

Taylor Swift, you know, Jimmy Iveen and shit in the back just a minor. Dude, that is so disrespectful. Also, dude, you win a Grammy for that like Drake is just Drake he's chilling you know people like like some chicks dude no he would be in jail he is Drake and Kendrick Lamar was like hey dude guess what you're a you're a pedophile and he's just Drake's like what and now people are just like a minor Granny for it. That's so fucked up, dude

That's so fucked up But at the song bangs though dude, I mean it just um so but that's so that's so fucked up i wonder if he feels bad i would feel so bad Like it should be like if he would if they were like yeah if the whole song was like yo Drake is a muffin and it was like he's a muffin and then he's like blueberry and then Drake just at home just like I'm this is I'm not a muffin. You know? He's like, I like pastries, but come on! It's so silly, dude. And that's so fucked up that they used that part of the song too when he won!

That's the part, it ended with the part! Minor! Yeah, just fucking a Dell in the back. A minor. You know what I mean? Like so shitty. So the Grammys are I mean, the whole thing's also this song. This song is so good. But come on, dude, was it the best song of the year? song, this song is so good, but come on dude, was it the best song of the year? I don't, I don't know. I don't know. I'm not saying

it wasn't, but like the Grammys are so, they're just hilarious. So Jaden Smith, props on wearing You know? So that's what it was. That's what it is. There were big protests against deportations downtown, and what they did was basically run into the freeway and make people stop traffic and just so they could get the word out. And that's gonna make people want them out of the way more. That's the whole thing about protesting is you gotta do it in the right way.

Like, hey dude, if you're protesting anything, anything, dude, and I can't get to fucking my house quicker because I got to fucking... Okay, get out the way get out the way and I know protesters are supposed to protest when you're not supposed to protest I get that but like half of those people on the street driving might agree with you so yeah so don't do a thing that you... The whole thing about deportation is hilarious because just don't do the thing... Ah, here in the way.

Oh dude, this is hilarious. They wrote, they just texted me, Hey Chris, explain tariffs. I can't. Uh, I can't. And I'll tell you this much. I never will be able to because what is it? And I know that Canada and other countries have, uh, Trump, Trump has put tariffs on them and then I know they put tariffs back on us so it's just like all right we're going

tariff crazy you know there is a yeah it is so crazy how much. Oh wait, that was right. The fucking thing that happened. Fuck, what was it? Oh damn it, damn it. It's right on the tip of my tongue. It was something I wanted to talk about on this podcast and I can't think of what it was. The hotel.

I was at a hotel and something was out of order fuck what was it dude somebody was cleaning it was a cleaning I sound like it's the worst psychic fuck what was it I'm so pissed off I wanted to talk about it and I can't remember. God when that stuff happens. Oh what is it? I don't know I gotta talk about something else first. They'll come to me later. I gotta dude that's that makes me so mad because when I'm writing in my notes for the podcast because I made it I go I go oh dude I gotta make sure I write it so I remember and I go and I'm but I'm doing something else

So I'm like I got to do it quick, but I got to just put it hotel rooms out of order cleaning Where was I I was in Santa Rosa And that that what was a hotel like I was in right now that, what was the hotel like? I was in, what was the next one? Speaking of which, dates. I'll be in Denver, I'll be in Rhode Island,

I'll be in Tacoma, I will be in a bunch of different places. Go to christaliah.com for shows. These tickets are going. A lot of them are almost sold out already. So go to christaliah.com for the, for the full list of where I will be. Um, Peoria, Spokane, Dubuque, Appleton, Wisconsin, Ontario, California, Amarillo, Lubbock, Casper, Wyoming. Where is it? So, but yeah, wow, man, I don't remember the cleaning thing

and I'm pissed off. All right. Sorry, guys. I failed that part of the podcast. But do Brian, the Brian Callen thing, where I, I talked about this on golden hour a little bit, but the Brian Callen thing where I, I talked about this on golden hour a little bit, but the Brian Cowling thing where I wrote a detective,

all right, you gotta just see here, look, this is what we do for fun, okay? This is so funny to me. Okay? I go like this. This is what I write him. So I go to, let me actually just read it first. This is a text I send to Brian. Okay, my friend, another comedian.

Under the cover of night, the private detective moved with a practiced ease, his trench coat flaring slightly as he turned the corner. The man he was following was just a few paces ahead, oblivious to the shadow tracking his every move. The neon lights of the city reflected off damp pavement, casting fleeting colors onto the detective's face. The case had started with whispers of betrayal, illicit affairs, tangled with dangerous secrets.

But now it was spiraling into something darker. The detective had seen it all before, sex used as currency, as a weapon. As the hinge on which lives swung open and shut, he adjusted the brim of his hat, his jaw tight with focus. He wasn't just chasing a man. He was chasing answers to a mystery fueled by lust, lies, and the kind of desires that made people desperate enough to kill.

OK? I texted him that. And then I texted him right after that. Anyway. OK? And then the next morning He texts me Dude, I just read this all the way through without stopping at 6 and and my heart is racing with anticipation Where on earth did you learn to write like this? Holy fucking shit

I read this in one sitting is all caps you captured this city and Detective like it's fucking really happening before my eyes keep reading it it's so layered I find new things in I keep finding new things in it and then so obviously I went into AI and I maybe I still even have the thing but I went into a minute chat GPT I probably doesn't can I can you do previous ones? your history Where oh yeah, here we go Detective mind Detective mind twist here it is. Okay, so

What I wrote what I wrote is, okay, hold on. What I wrote is, uh, Hey, can you medic? I don't have that, that part, but Hey, say, Hey, medic, can you write me a crime novel of a detective and, uh, chasing a guy and, and mentioned sex a bunch of times, that's what I did. And that's what I got. And then he wrote that. Okay.

Then he said, keep reading. So, so, so I said, thank you, man. Just a little excerpt. I've been working very hard on it. And he wrote, fuck, is there more? And I wrote, yeah, it's just a little hard to put myself out there for judgment. So as long as you be cool about it,

it took a lot to text you that first part. Okay, then I go to chat GPD and I write, can you write the last paragraph of a crime novel about a private detective that finally gets his man and realizes Right as he catches him that the whole time everything was all in the detective's head mention sex a few times And then it writes this okay, maybe i'll paraphrase it it's not crazy long but I just write so I send this to brian. Okay. I write I send him

I just write so I send this to Brian. Okay, I write I send him I stood over him my shadow swallowing his crumpled body on the Motel room floor the blood on his hands wasn't metaphorical anymore Was it all the girls all the lies all the twisted games played out under cheap neon signs and the smell of stale sex and despair It all ended here He looked up at me lips trembling eyes wide with something that looked like terror or maybe pity. And that's when it hit me. The room flickered, bending under the weight of a truth I'd been running from. There was no him. There were no girls. There was no chase. Just me, chasing ghosts born chasing, chasing, chasing ghosts, chasing chasing, chasing ghosts, chasing, chasing ghosts born of too many lonely nights and too much bourbon. The sex, the violence, the vengeance, it was all mine. I let out a laugh, low and guttural,

as the sirens wailed in the distance. I'd finally solved the case. And the answer was me. Okay? case and the answer was me okay and then I text him that's the working ending I have for now and he writes dude this is so overwhelming I say ah thanks man so then I go into chat GBD and I put got I do a book cover so I have a book cover we called the crazy detective and I made a back part of it. So now he says fuck congratulations I'm so depressed I've been writing an erotic thriller but now but I feel like quitting. I said oh man that really? Don't do that. He said I feel like just destroying this prose that took me so long to write. I said I mean it could be good right just that. He said, I feel like just destroying this prose that took me so long to write. I said, I mean, it could be good, right? Just relax. He said, no, it's such shit compared to what you write. I wouldn't even show you a paragraph. I'm ashamed. I said, I'm really sorry that made you feel that badly, man.

It's just I've been really working hard on this, you know, and I'm proud of it. I mean, dude, these are this is a man in his 40s and a man in his 50s texting this for like ignoring our family. You know what I mean? I said, what's yours even called? And he says, the white prisoner. He says, it's stupid. I've already wasted your time. I said, no, I mean, the title sounds pretty fucking cool, I think.

And in all caps, he writes, really? And I said, yeah, sure. It's cool. I'd read it, yeah, sure. It's cool. I'd read it to be honest. And then he sends me a paragraph from it. Dude, it has so much wrong with it. There are words that are not words. There are so many typos because he didn't use chat GPT.

As a matter of fact, he didn't write it. He voice texted it. So here, this is, I don't know if I can even read some of it, but the white aristocrat was thrown naked into the cell, the dark dank cell. His alabaster frame highlighted in the moonlight. He was breathing heavily. His heavy cock, that big heavy cock with veins like the Nile he was so famous for,

among all rich white New York girls, London girls, Paris girls, high society was now held in high relief behind his slender hands. Hands that have never done any kind of manual labor. The heavy black bodies barely visible in the darkness began to close." Okay, so as you could imagine, he stood his ground. He stood his ground. He was... I mean, dude, I can't read the rest, you know? They'll just straight up take this off YouTube. And then he writes, you don't even have to read it. I don't know why I just said that. And then he wrote, there are some typos. I mean, there are so many typos. Okay.

And then he said, they ate his body is what I meant. They were cannibalism enthusiasts. And I wrote, oh, okay. Oh, wow. Listen, I mean, that's great. It's just, I mean, yeah, okay. It's not just so much of a crime novel, is it? But a lot of typos. You should fix that before you submit it. He said, you hate it. Fuck. I'm sorry. I'm a jack jackass. I'm a hack. I can't even spell Okay, so then Days later I go to chat GPT and I take what Brian wrote and I put it in chat GPT and I said hey, can you fix this and make it? sound You know chat GPT and I said, Hey, can you fix this and make it sound, uh, you know, uh,

legit and it comes up with this. The white aristocrat hit the floor of this. This one I can read because it's not, it's dirty ish, but it's not the way the white aristocrat hit the floor of the cell naked delicate exquisitely out of place a fine china teacup dropped into a bucket of mud the air was thick with them with the musk of history damp with sweat and the lingering stench of colonial consequence like judging me taking liberties um he gasped The moonlight kissed his alabaster

skin a soft, ethereal glow upon a body sculpted by generations of excessive leisure. But it was not his porcelain complexion that had made him famous. It was his cock. Oh, the legend of that cock. Heavy, thick, veined like the Nile. It had parted the lips of London's duchesses, danced between the cheeks of Parisian courtesans, and been whispered about in New York's most decadent salons. But now here, in this abyss of sweat and darkness, it hung like an ornament of empire, trembling, unprotected, awaiting its face. The shadows moved, heavy black bodies shimmering with sweat,

coiled with muscle, loomed over him. These were not men of the opera, nor the fencing hall, nor the candlelit dining rooms of high society. These were men built for war, built for toil. Okay, so it goes on. It's really good. And we did all that instead of playing with our kids. So it's very funny.

instead of playing with our kids. So it's very funny. And I don't even know why I told you guys all this, but it's very little behind the scenes, you know? Ken Flores passed away. He's a comedian, really great comic. It really, really, really heartbreaking, man. Um, it happened a week ago. He was found in his house, or his apartment, um, dead. And, uh, he, you know, it was, uh,

it was really hard news to take. The guy just, you know, I just brought him a feature for me and Brea. Um, we were planning more dates together. He was, you know, a friend becoming a friend, a friend. And, um, I really liked him and I, I, I saw something as many people did very special in that guy, uh, and he, and I, and I've said this before because I saw somebody say it on Instagram and it is very true he was a legend in the making

he really was the guy just had such a bright future and he passed away and you know I'm not really sure how or what I know there was some maybe you know maybe there was some sort of I don't know he was 28 so it was it was something it wasn't old age right um but uh I don't have all the facts but I I just he was such a special guy he really was and and we had a memorial they had a memorial for him at the at the at the at the comedy store and uh I you know I've been a few memorials before and I went and I spoke at it and it's just a weird thing to go through. You know, people were crying and then anyway, I was thinking about too soon.

It was just like, it was so weird to be on this comedy stage, not like going for laughs. And I wanted to like talk about him in a very respectful you know good way I wanted I wanted people to understand how much like he made life what he what he did when he was around you like how he made you feel and what he you know and I just I did it I talked about it and I got off stage and I sat next to Kristen and I was like and I was like was that good I just, I did it, I talked about it, and I got off stage, and I sat next to Kristen, and I was like, was that good? I felt like I, like it's so weird to go on stage,

not do jokes, and I was like, I hope I didn't, like I was so in my head about, like I hope, I hope it went okay, and like I hope people know that like, I loved the dude, and it's just such a sad fucking thing, I don't know, man man but I'm just saying it people did try to do jokes some of them worked and it's just like I don't know people were like hey Ken would hate this fucking thing and I get that right I get it the thing about memorials and about how memorials are all... they're this weirdly clinical... it's this don't say this weird environment that isn't fun per se at

all. I mean I guess it could be there could be light moments of brevity and shit but it's like they're just so much. And I was like, man, if I want to, you know, I leaned over to my friend in the middle. I was like, oh man, I hope we can do one of these for you soon. Like, you know, like that kind of joke is funny. We started laughing. And it helps us get through it, whatever. As comics, as people who enjoy laughing and shit,

and, you know, buddies again. But I was like, dude, bro, I'm thinking about like how comics would, you know, a lot of people want their thing to be a celebration of life when they die, you know? Oh yeah, no, don't cry for me. Like my mom is like, when I have a funeral, I don't want anybody crying, I want to, you know, hey dude, not me, man. I want to you know hey dude not me man I want everybody crying sharing very specific stories about me very specific stories that that that they have to listen to that might be boring to them but that I would love

okay that I would love that I would find funny like the trash thing at the coffee shop that I went to with the sign and said this is not a trash can. I want that monologue to be played and I want people to have to sit there and listen to it because that's how you respect me. Be sad, cry! you respect me? Be sad, cry! And it's not two hours, it's nine. Leave if you want to. I guess you weren't that good of a friend. So it got me thinking though, man. It is very sad. It's very sad when that happens. It's so sad, really. You know, it's not fair sometimes. Um... You know...

It's so fucking weird that this shit, like I'm 44, dude. Like, I think of like, you know, my kids are, you know, Calvin's gonna be five and Billy's gonna be two. I'm older than my dad was when I think of him as a when I was a kid You know and all that stuff is In the past and I Just I'm past that version of that which is I'm past that version of that which is nuts dude. I mean I all the memories I have of my dad and I'm only saying my dad my mom too I'm saying my dad because I'm a man and my dad is a man. But it's all fleeting dude and the

moments you have with these people like yeah, yeah, it's cliche to say you don't know when they're going to go. Hug your loved ones. Love on your people when you can while they're still here because you never know what's going to happen. And it's stuff that we think about sometimes, but feeling it is a different thing. Like feeling it, feeling it at this memorial, feeling it about, you know, my parents that are there, you know, and loved ones, they go

away. And I guess the thing that I think about, which I tried to convey on stage there was... you know... well I guess I could tell the story. I don't know why I'm not but when I was in Brea I brought... I had Ken come feature for me and I felt lucky to have him you know. He's been doing standup a very short amount of time and he's been killing it. He's got a fan base. He's very good. He moved up quickly. And I'm like, oh, he said, he's like,

I'd love to open for you. And I was like, really? Okay. He gets there and he was nervous because he was like, you know, he's a Mexican dude and he was like, I mean, he told one of the guys, he was like, I'm more nervous about this show than any other show I've done. And they were like, why? And he said, because this is all white people, which is hilarious.

And so he went up and he killed but one of the nights, my family surprised me. They came and they came to see me do stand-up. My wife and my two kids, I didn't know they were coming. And they just show up in the back in the green room. And it was so... I will never forget that feeling of them showing up and being there and surprising me. It felt so good. I felt so much love.

Like I felt so much love and happiness, like just genuine only happiness. Like often you feel happiness, but you also feel other things too. Like you can feel happiness and sadness at the same time. You can feel Pain and laugh, right But I only was feeling joy like this is one of these moments where 100% I was a hundred percent filled with joy because my family was here

Calvin and is here Billy was here Kristen was here and they and they surprised me. I felt like I felt like I was important, you know? And it was so beautiful. And Ken was there too, and I was was like this is so great that Ken's here he gets to meet my family and and I picked up Billy and I was holding Billy and Ken took this picture of me holding Billy and Billy had on a jacket that said life rips and Ken posted this picture on his story and it said yes it does and I reposted it and I saved it and I thought man it's so cool to have that picture. It's so awesome to have that picture. And it's so great that, I mean, that Ken took it and met my family and it's a great picture. The story behind it is great.

And Ken took it, you know. These were all things I liked about it. took it, you know. These were all things I liked about it. And then a month later, he passes away. And I go through shock and some grief and sadness and After the initial shock wears off I find myself thinking oh wow that picture That's that's that's great that I have that picture and So I go look for it on the iPhone. Uh, and I, I, I go back to look for it. And you know, it's like, so when you try to find a picture on the iPhone, it's

like, it's like, dude, it's, I, it's way harder than it should be. You know, you're like, what zoom should I do? Should I have five pictures in a row or, I make it more to where I see more of them at the same time or how fast do I scroll? And I'm like, I can't do it like this. So I type in life rips because that's in the jacket and you can type in words on the picture. I type in life rips. It doesn't come up. So now I'm like, oh yeah, it probably doesn't come up because the font is weird on the life rips. So then I go, wait when was it? It was a month ago. I go back a month and then I'm looking and I'm like, was it a month or a month

and a half or whatever? And then I say, wait a minute, dude, I was at the Brea improv from the 26th to the 29th and That night was the 28th. So I'm like, oh, I'll type in December 28th. I type in December 28th every picture Comes up from that night and that picture is not there It's not there and I'm like what the hell I Love that picture this sucks it sucks now doubly because Ken passed and I don't have it and this

feels like It makes me sad so I I'm like, oh, maybe I just can't find it now So the next day I look for it and it's not there. And I find all different ways to try to look. I look, you know, I go to different, I go to Instagram so I can find it on Instagram

and it's not there. And I'm like pissed off for a little bit. And then I remember that it was a moment that happened. You know, I don't have the picture but I have the moment. And the important thing about that whole thing is how I felt during that moment. That I won't forget, picture or not. And...

It was very poignant for me because really everything, you know, legacy or who you were or whatever it is, all that matters, all that really matters are the people that are around you and how they feel about you really and that's I mean if you're lucky it's eight people I'm very fortunate that I have a lot of people around me that I love and and Ken Ken was one of them and I I it's just wild to me that like I don't have the picture and Ken isn't here anymore but the important parts of that are the way those things made me feel. And Ken, whenever he was around, made people feel really good. And there are not many people like him. And in a way, I'm kind of glad I can't find that fucking picture because it's how it should be. All about the moment and all about the experience. Which is what Ken gave everyone around him. Beyond just his family. Audiences, on the internet, his clips, and just...

He was a great guy. And yeah. So, so rest in peace Ken Flores and thanks for taking that picture. And And that's it. I guess I guess I can wrap it up after that I I Feel good. I feel good. You know, I guess I feel good it's weird to be it's weird to have a podcast and like talk and then Start crying and shit because it's like I don't I don't you know, I Don't that's so weird. that's so weird, but whatever. I guess, I mean it's definitely okay, I just don't want, I don't want to do that and then

it happens and I'm like okay, well I did it and it'll be out there and shit. Okay, well hopefully you also found the stuff I was saying about Jaden Smith funny. I appreciate you guys thanks for listening and see you next week I'm out.