Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 431. Have You Said Thank You Once?

Episode Date: March 6, 2025

All the missing episodes are over on patreon.com/chrisdelia Get a shoutout on Congratulations: holler.baby/chrisdelia 🎤 MY SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is here: chrisdelia.com/god 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. In this week's episode we have tense presidential meetings, the Oscars and The Huh Awards, infomercials, Emeril and much more. RIP Gene Hackman. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram, X, and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/chrisdelialive 𝕏 X: x.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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The new episode of congratulations. So hello, buckle up and let's go. I am yeah it's you know just another there's no episode episode 431 and it's all good dude I have a chat I have chapped lips because because whenever I go to the Midwest I get I get chapped lips dude if it's too cold for sure I get chapped lips or if it's too hot and I go to Arizona. So that's chapter of central. And my lips crack. They do nothing but crack. All good. But it is what it is and that's all fine.

You know, I'm gonna be in Torrance, California coming up here on March 9th. Amarillo, Texas, Lubbock, Texas, Portland, Oregon, Cranston, Rhode Island Portland, Maine Casper Wyoming Wyoming Cheyenne Denver, Colorado, New York Boston Savannah, Georgia Atlanta and a bunch of different ones I got in Florida dates up there to go to chrislea.com for my live straight out of the multiverse tour but yeah, so

This is basically pretty much what's been going on for me. I just got back from the Midwest and my lips are chapped. And you know what? I went to three cities, Peoria and also Dubuque and also Appleton. Now, where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Okay, Peoria, I'll give a little bit of a pass because Richard Pryor's from there, all right? So, and you also are, they're in that song that they sing at Little Shop of Hearts. From Peoria, New York!

And you know that if you're part of the cult and you're gonna help build the log cabin here because, I sing that a lot. Suddenly Seymour. Dude, that song rips, right? It's emotional if you think about it. But yeah, so, but Dubuque, which I went there, and Where Is It?

and Appleton, Wisconsin went there, Where Is It? Although the Skyline Comedy Club was awesome there in Appleton, Wisconsin. I did two shows there on the Sunday night during the Oscars. Didn't know the Oscars were happening until that day. Do people watch the Oscars anymore? Did you see the thing about how... What's her name? Zoe Saldana screamed out mommy. I have the, I have it actually. I can, I wonder if I can, here it is.

Let me try to, before, here, before we do this, let me air drop it to my, see if I can air drop it. There we go. This will be the first thing I ever air drop to my see if I can airdrop it there we go this will be the first thing I ever airdrop to my to my new to my computer here and it's worth it and you know it's worth it here we go this is what Zoe Zeldon what is that her name even Zeldonia did. Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! My mom is here! Yeah, well I hope so.

God, she's beautiful, huh? But that's screaming mommy three times is your seven. So it's all good. The thing about the Academy Awards and the Oscars is they're done. You gotta touch all these. All done. You know, if you, I mean look, it's, it's, it, you, you, be emotional, being emotional is great, right? Screaming mommy unless you are 8 or George Floyd, right? Because I think he did that and I saw and that was heartbreaking, alright? And I'm gonna give

him a pass. But other than that, the screaming out Mommy's pretty wild, pretty wild. But God, she's a great actress and she sure is beautiful, I don't know about really anything, but I do know about the show Zero Day and that's on Netflix. Congratulations Netflix. You made a show. Here's what I want to say to Netflix about the new show with Robert De Niro Zero Day. Okay. And Jesse Plemons or whatever his name is, right?

Jesse Plemons, right? And the other woman and then the other woman. The other woman who's not, maybe her name is Diane or something. Who plays his wife? Anyway, Zero Day, Netflix. This is what Netflix does. Hey, we need a show.

And then they say, what kind of show? And then Netflix goes like this. I don't know. What do you got? And they say, got a show called Zero Day. And they say, okay, let's do that one. That's it, all right? It simply exists.

And I'm not gonna say it's bad, because it's not, it's not bad. I'm not gonna say it's bad. Now, would I say it's good? No. It simply is a show that exists. Robert De Niro is not bad in it. He's hardly ever bad. He's always amazing. There are good moments for him in the show. Is he good in it? You know? Err, ask me is Robert De Niro good in uh zero in the in the show Zero Day? Hey Chris, is Robert De Niro good in the show Zero Day?

He's 82. He's just kind of doing, you know, not bad. Just simply existing. Nobody in the show, I've never seen a show that is so not bad and just it's not, you can't call it good either so this is netflix when they decide to do a show they they look at the show and they read the log line and they go hmm oh can this exist and they don't mean i don't mean can this exist like can this actually happen in the real world? I mean is it are we able to make this show exist? Then yeah

Can we put it on our streamer sco? Because the show is not a bad You know what they should do they should have the not bad awards Huh, that's what that's what you get. You know they call the Oscar or the you know they call the actor for the SAG awards or the Emmy or the Tony. Huh. Hey dude how many haus do you have? I got two haas. One from Zero Day and one from that comedy with Jason Bateman. Which one? Dud Mat.

Huh. Dude, let's see who's taking home. This is his, dude, who would get the most? The guy from Simon Baker with his, with another haa award, with his fourth huh award in a movie where he's with all black women. Simon Baker's the number one dude in movies with all black women for some reason. There's just that handsome ass white guy. Simon Baker could just walk through you know the blackest

neighborhood and people be like yo what? Oh shit, I know you. Zero Day, from the title on down, dude. Simply exists. Simply exists. Raves, crystal here. It's a show. A, Gene Hackman, that's crazy. 95, first of all, got to 95. Wow, Gene Hackman was an awesome actor.

He just really was. And he got to 95. Now, if you get to 95, you got all sorts of stuff wrong with you. Okay? Mainly, I don't know man. Like you did think about walking around after you sat down for three hours at a computer. Think about that. Think about how much that hurts. But, but, but, and you're just 30 something. You know what I'm saying? Gene Hackman is that times four and he's just been using his body

and 95 and rest in peace, dude. And the guy was found on the floor with his wife and his dog all dead. Hey, the dog did it. Dude, you know what? It's unbelievable. dog did it. Dude, you know what? It's unbelievable. People... that's a... I like... Look, I don't know the thing. But here's the thing. If the wife... I don't know how... The wife was way younger, right? So if she died, he is 95 walking around not

really knowing what's happening. If you're... Dude, the amount of times I don't know what's happening already at 44 just makes... it gives me no hope for when I'm older. I can watch a show, be watching the show and forget what's happening. I am now at the age where I don't forget what happened. I forget what's happening. That's the age I am. It's like my brain's like, we don't deal with this bullshit anymore, dude. What is this a show with fucking, you know, is this a show? There's a new show on Hulu called Frogging about dudes who just live in other people's houses and they have no idea for like weeks They're just like camped up in the attic or they're in there. They're stuck in there They go they sleep in their microwave, you know, and they just get out when they have to reheat burgers and they have no idea and

It's called frogging because they're just I guess they're just that's what that's called this frogging and I'm watching that show and I'm just like in the middle of it which got what is this one about again dude it's it's incredible yes it's incredible but anyway I'm just like you know, I'm just like, uh, it is what it is. Um, the, uh, the, the, the, the dude, how about, did you talk about, um, or did you, did you hear about the, who's that big person on Tik TOK? She's a young woman, I think. And she, she got like accosted at a carnival by the dude by some dude she was just walking around and some guy was like sitting down and

he was like can I get your number and she was like oh no and she walked away and then he was like I'm gonna come get you or something and like chased her around a little bit yeah look it's like they were their twitch streamers right right right right and they were running running around and the guy was like trying to get them and they were like, security, get them. And you know, this is like dude, guy, hey, calm down, okay? Hey, hey, guy doing this to young women that are just like in at a car, whatever the hell they were like the peer.

Hey, guy, you got to understand when you do that kind of stuff,'s you're gonna seem like a menace now check this out dude okay they go on stream the the ladies and they start crying and stuff and they're like it was so you know I'm it's traumatic and I don't know what to do and like you know he was running after us and then and then I go oh man and I'm like man this is wild that kind of that kind of That kind of is rough, you know? It must suck to be like in that way to always be scared as a woman, you know? And like, and my brain's kind of like doing that.

I'm like, we're like, oh man, imagine walking home at night and you gotta walk across the street because there's a guy approaching, ah shit. Even though I do that anyway, because you know, hey, knives are knives, right? And he could stab me whether I got a twat or not. But still you got to figure women... Yeah, I get it. It's scarier for them, okay? And I'm like, ah, and then you got this thing that happens with Amaranth, which I just learned her name because I have seen her name so many times and just not even bothered to register it because what's Amaranth you know and I

was trying to Google what happened to her Anima I was like Anima rant it's not coming up finally I found the Amaranth this woman who is a twitch screener streamer streamer that definitely has an OnlyFans. I don't know if she does or not, but she does. She is really successful on Twitch and these dudes came in. I guess she was like bragging about her cryptocurrency holdings. And these dudes just came in her house in Houston which is which is Houston shit came in her house and gave her her phone so they could she could so

they would at gunpoint so she would transfer her crypto to their crypto wallets and it's like and and and and instead of running or being scared, she shot one. And they ran away. And I go, and I'm like, oh, oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Victim mentality fucking blows. Oh, you got chased around a carnival teehee

Amaranth goes literally gun to her head she got just goes pop and guy runs out I got shot runs away oh alright dude you my, my, I guess my main takeaway here is... If you... Look, I'm not gonna act like I haven't started crying on this podcast. I've cried on... If you start the camera with the tears flowing. You craze. Okay? You craze. Wipe them first.

Get your eyes less red. I just don't understand. That is weird that the Amrant girl was tweeting during the robbery. What's wrong? I don't understand. That is weird that the M. Rantz girl was tweeting during the robbery. I Don't know apparently she's got 20 million in In crypto though. I don't know anymore but the but the but yeah, so it is what it is, dude How about this fucking crazy thing though? Wait, let me go to the Let me go to here we go Let me go to, here we go. Bro, when I go to, so Zelensky and Trump met for 50 minutes or something.

Well, thank you very much. It's an honor to have President Zelensky of Ukraine. Dude, Zelensky looks like he fell off a cake straight up. How much martial arts does it look like Zelinsky knows seven very hard very close so we've actually known each other for a long time we've been dealing with each other for a long time and and that's where came out of he hates him we've known each other for a long time we've we've we've been dealing with each other for a long time dude there isn't hey dude

what's up with JD Vance just keeps catching strays and they're not even really strays because what's going on dude? My favorite part of the whole thing? 100% favorite part of the whole thing. Have you said thank you once? Dude, That is so unreal. Have you said thank you once? So far away from the mic, you know, because he's not involved. Have you said thank you once? Have you said thank you once? Dude, hey, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude,

the memes ever since what's his name? Pence was the vice president. Being vice principal is just, you might as well be America's prince of bitchdom. Do you know what I mean dude? Your job is Prince bitch because Pence, dude, was Prince bitch and then you had Kamala and just she got it too because pence had it and they were just like it's kind of actually funny to make fun of The vice president and now JD Vance is just gonna get it and he's not even gonna do stuff. That's that bad Like this isn't that bad. It's not that bad. It's just have you said thank you once that you're gonna get me bro It's not that bad. It's just that you're gonna get me bro

You're gonna get me with your face More rotund and people are gonna act like you're a five-year-old dude. It's so good I love that mommy said the meme of him where his face is just a little bit fatter Why do they always make his face a little fatter? And then he says mom mom said we have to play a game that three people can play. It's the best meme. Gosh, I just... Have you said thank you once?

Loving it. Absolutely loving it. I don't know what it's like. You know, it's so weird because to be so... like Elon Musk to be so... what are we talking about here? You know, it's like I Can't come and I'm not look I'm not trying to be a good guy I'm not sure we think about the oh, yeah I would do if I had this much money I would do this like I it's annoying when people do this But let's just like pontificate here a little bit. Okay, if I had 400 billion dollars, okay if you have 20 if you have 400 billion dollars, okay? If you have 20, if you have 400 billion dollars, you have 50 billion dollars in there, right? Hey, just use that, right? You don't need over 50 billion dollars, and that's a huge cushion, okay? A huge cushion. So, uh, give up. Bro, I, but that's maybe, well, it's one of the

reasons why I'm not gonna be worth 50 billion dollars. Because I don't have that mentality. And it takes autistic motherfuckers to really get that shit going. Is there anybody that has, I mean, honestly, if you have 50 million dollars, you're autistic. Like do you... Because you have to be so focused on a certain thing where your friends are like, that guy is fucking weird with this shit. Nobody's that successful and not autistic. You kind of have to be. So it's like people are like, oh no, the shots that people are getting, the vaccines, oh no, they're getting, they're making people, giving people autism. Okay, dude.

Hey, that's like a super serum. That's like that Captain America shit. Make me autistic. I need money. I'm not talking about the people banging their heads against the walls. I'm talking about the people who are just like, you know... Just like, got something going on maybe with their... I don't know. Am I being off-color? I don't really care. It's just like... You know, we've given these people with the vaccines and then they got autism and it's just like...

Um... vaccines and then they got autism and it's just like Have you said thank you once? Umm JD Vance just fucking unloaded on him First off fuck your bitch and the click you claim. That's JD Vance The one yeah, so the one thing I wanted to, here's the thing about the, I want to, the thing that's, I want you to know something here, okay? Something that will never come out is the Epstein Log, okay? They're never gonna release it. There were too many higher ups.

There were too many, it feels like every other week they're like, by the way, we're gonna release, every week they're like, we finally, it's been years. Finally we got the, they're not gonna release it, dude. They will not release it. Do you understand? It will not be released. It's too... There are too many powerful people and there's just no way. They would have released it already, okay? It was so annoying when that Florida politician came up and she was just like, I finally got it. We got it. It's coming out tomorrow and I just go, I can't wait till that doesn't come out tomorrow

And the next day didn't come out and if it is it's gonna be so redacted It's gonna be a bunch of just black out part. It's so it's so fucking It's it's so annoying And every other week it's hey gonna release the JFK stuff gonna gonna actual real stuff that's never been heard of before with the Martin Luther King dude it's never news it's always teasing they never ever fucking tell us anything they don't they don't ever tell us anything this is the thing that it's like you know Republican Democrat it's like whatever it's like

dude they're all lying to us always you know you got Trumpers on one side that are like oh all these Democrats were on Epstein's uh flight just ignoring the fact that Trump was in fucking so many pictures with them okay look and i'm not saying just because you're in pictures with a guy it means you did something nefarious but i'm just saying like you're never gonna know the truth you're never gonna know the truth do you you know why? You're someone. You're just someone. You're just someone sitting there. You know... Do you know how hard it is to actually even understand what has happened?

You know what I'm talking about? Even when you're there. Right? You know when you go to a party and then the even when you're there right You know when you go to a party and then the next day you're like did uh was Dave even there? dude You were there You expect these these fucking people to tell us What actually happened? people to tell us what actually happened when they don't they they've these are fucking sociopaths these are psychopaths these are lunatics at the top level of

government the top level of the world with billions of dollars they you expect there to be one of them to actually be real with you. You. You have shit in your ass right now that you probably didn't wipe out. You know what I'm talking about? Like it's the gall of fucking people, the gall of these fucking people. We're never going to find it out, dude dude. We're never ever going to find it out So just stay you know what I mean like With your conspiracy theories dude. I saw a conspiracy theory the other day that was like uh Fuck was it?

It was just so ridiculous. It was like The hat Kendrick Lamar wore on the thing is five plus five with the wings. It means xxx Tentacion so he's basically vouching for exit. It's like dude these fucking losers, dude Everyone is always lying to us Everyone And Everyone. And it's all good, dude. And it's all good. You know why?

Because you gotta go to that fucking stupid birthday party in a week. Or whatever it is. You gotta go to that fucking, uh, you gotta go get to the grocery store. You gotta do that. It's all good, dude. And I don't mean good, by the way. I mean just fucking relax Worry about your bills and your fucking health and your Family issues did the people are out here. Oh, man. Oh You well, you know this guy fucking Elon did this and that's why He the fucking Nazi salute shut the fuck dude hey you gotta you just go to the fucking birthday party you know I'm talking about life is full of so much stress immediately with your family and friends

family and friends? Ah, whatever. It, you know, I don't even know if I'm, I don't even know if I'm, what am I talking about? Who cares? I want to look at this. I want to look at fucking what's his name, Bill Gates. By the way, people think Bill Gates did some nefarious shit.

You know what? You're never going to fucking know know dude. You'll never know You'll never Because if Bill Gates did put Tracking devices in the vaccines like some people think You'll never know and if he didn't You'll never know. And if he didn't, you'll never know. So just go get someone that birthday present for the party you have to go to in five days.

That's the kind of stress that you need to be worrying about. Look at this bitch ass jump over a chair. Bitch! Dude! Bill Gates is in no shape to be jumping over a chair. And by that, I don't mean... ...physically in like actual stamina-wise shape. I mean, the shape of him shouldn't be jumping over a chair. You're a guy that just sits down. Ahahaha.

Switch! Slow motion. Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Oh, the two almost didn't make it, you know. The two legs coming together gingerly over the back of the chair and just standing onto the one, like both of his feet landed in this much of space, you know. Let's watch it again. I'll cheer a little bit. Ow!

I'll cheer a little bit. Yes! Ow! Uh-oh, chill a little bit. Connie Chung just fucking dripping wet after that. Just dripping wet after that. That's awesome. That's what interviews should all be like, by the way. Yeah, it's true. Don't put background music to that. Like so autistic. And that's fine.

But like that's who has billions of dollars. As a guy who thinks it's fucking cool and relatable to jump over a chair. Bye. Look at this. Hey, how's there still karate, by the way? The martial arts, the MMA, not once did a karate guy, you know, win it's always now it's mixed martial arts but even early on it was always the jiu-jitsu guys or the judo guys so how are people still doing karate site you know and here's a karate competition. Well, let's count this. Well, hold on a second.

Let's count the bitches here. Let's count this. The, the, oh my God. Who is this? Vice president? One, two, oh, okay. So all of that is one bitch. I'll give that all of one a bitch.

And then leaning over to get the one, I'll give him that one. Leaning over to chop that one, not necessarily some bitch. But this here is some bitch kicking the thing. Smooch! Knocking it over and letting it roll. And then the way he turned back around to get back into his game face.

Let's see, here we go. Smooch, smoo see, here we go. Switch, switch, switch. Okay, that's three wood snaps with one foot stomp. That's three, that is a tally now of four bitches that you got, okay? And the final one is a bitch. So gingerly is a bitch, the last one. He just goes, that's the last one. So that's five

Okay, it's the most bitch martial art. Okay, and here we go The roll over the tatami dude the roll over the thick tatami the roll over the fucking six God it was fluffier than a fucking Stratix pad the dude just did a fucking barrel rollover that's a Tommy, dude Unreal bet six of them now Hammer face. Oh soap. Oh Dude, are you kidding me? To the board.

Hammer fist. Bro, any... That is what a mom would do in a fight if there were intruders. You know what I'm talking about? No! Hammer fist is bullshit. Dude, if you see a guy hammer fist in you know you're gonna fuck him up block immediately dude rising block ice hides look at all the hammer punchings that I could fucking thwart tight one two three four five side low fucking blocks But dude and then so that was a bitch that was a seventh bitch and then this is the kick is the The kick I'll give him the kick. I'll give him the kick. So that was seven bitches. Okay Okay, that was bitch he screamed out this is another contestant now in the red

Gee the guy in the red. Gee, by the way, if you have a red gi, you really gotta come through. All right? Because you can't be in another color gi besides white or black, maybe blue. But if any other color, you gotta come through. You basically have to be able to do that thing, tick, tick, tick,ggin' that fuckin' Ryu can do where you flip around and do the kicks. Have some sort of like mental fortitude that sets you apart from other. So there's one bitch already with the scream, okay? Oh my god, dude.

Are you fucking kidding me, dude? Just kicked, kicked. Okay okay that's so bitch. Low kick a fucking duffel bag. Just walked across it. That was so, that didn't count. If I was a judge, dude the way he just tiptoed, the first guy like, you know, he's got his feet in the rings and he's like pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop,

like really dancing across it, like you do for CrossFit games. This guy just fucking slowly walked across the circles and just kind of like sauntered. So that's, you're out. If I'm a judge, you're out. Okay, here. Steps.

Man! Dude, I, my favorite karate kick ever is the one that goes up and you don't kick on the up you kick on the down dude. That is so fucking, you know what that is? The leg version of the hammer punch dude. Moms, when intruders come in no why would you kick someone not with your shin and instead on the way down with your calf one's smushy and the other one is a fucking shin bitch them. Oh I see a big... four five. I don't know. Okay honestly four I'm not gonna give the way he's nailing these blocks on the ground is not bitch and that is tough to

do. Okay so this red geese giving him some extra power because it is bitch to the way all the guy did it was so bitch Last one was bitch because there's a hammer punch. So I've got five bitches now Are you watching along come on dude laid down Chillaxed and still got him with the heel. Holy Christ almighty, dude. Oh, let's, you know what, I'm gonna watch it again. Just the absolute chilling to the max right before he takes out the, I mean, would just destroy an anthill.

Here we go. And let me take a little bit of it. You know what, let me take a little bit of it you know what let me take a little bit of a nap and hey there's a bitch dude that's six or seven wow the way he got up dude he almost fell down his belly took him, you know, his belly took the fucking four It took the low center of gravity He almost fell bro take the red guy off. Oh, yeah. This is about seven or eight bitches Oh, so bitch dude Eight eight he's got eight. Let's see if he takes his shoe off. Okay kicks it

All right. Eight, eight, eight. No, he got through with that. All right. So eight. That was eight. I think that was more than the other guy. I think the other guy had seven. Wow, dude. That's what it should be, the Cebitche Olympics, these guys. Cebitcheeto. Subit Cheeto. Um... That's incredible, dude. Wow. Karate, what it has resorted to, you know? A timed karate competition.

What belts were those guys? Were they black belts? They were. That's hilarious. God, the way the guy fucking... the barrel rolls on the fucking... I just can't, dude. Do they have kids, you know? Cause like it's so, cause Calvin said he wanted to be a comedian today and I almost cried. God, we were doing this thing where, where I had a, I just, I don't know why, but I was like, Cal, I've been going to drinking classes

and I have been doing it and I am so good. I passed all my grades and I went to drinking college and I can I am so good at it and then I would go to take a sip of water and just it would spill everywhere you know and he thought it was the funniest thing he's ever seen and to be honest, it might have been. Okay. He's five, but he was losing his mind rolling around on the ground. Okay. So I was doing it on the couch and it was water was getting on the

couch, the water got on the couch. The first time I did it and Calvin was laughing so hard. He was like, no dad, don't do it again. Don't do it again. And I was like, what, what, what are you gonna do it again? And he started to get tears in his eyes and he says I don't want the couch to get wet bro and Like bro no you gotta do it again, dude cuz you got to get over that and it's gonna be hilarious So I did again made him laugh did again made him laugh. I did three times

Daddy was soaked and the couch was soaked And I taught him about pretty much drilling a bit into the ground because he then did it for an hour and a half. Oh man, dude. It being a dad is so dope because you just, especially as a comic if you're a comic and you don't have kids. What are you doing? There's they they laugh at everything They laugh all at everything. You don't even have to come up with good shit anymore

It feels so good to make my sons laugh. I anymore it feels so good to make my sons laugh I mean one of them is not even two yet I don't have to say words you know I'll walk around like a silent film and Billy will just be on the floor and good dude I don't understand comics. They're so selfish, you know, they don't have kids and stuff sometimes It's pretty crazy I Was thinking about people who get married the other day That don't have kids and just stay married the whole time. That's fucking insane, dude Hey Get divorced Hey, get divorced.

What did you get married for? Why are you even, even if you have kids, you don't need to get married. If you don't have kids, what the fuck are you doing? Just stay boyfriend and girlfriend the whole time till you die. It makes no sense to get married if you don't have kids. I guess for a tax break maybe, but also no. Just get your scored on, be single, or be a boyfriend or a girlfriend. It's so weird when you meet 65 year olds that are married,

that never had kids and were married for a long, yeah, oh, we met when we were, you know, 30 and you're like, oh, how old are your kids? And they're like, yeah, we just never had them. What do you do all day? Who do you yell at? Who do you yell at? Look, I had kids when I was 39. To me, I'm like, that's old. But, you know. You make life so good, dude. I was in my hotel room the other night in Appleton, Wisconsin, and it was just so...

I was just like, dude, I want to be home so bad with my family. I just watched an infomercial on Emeril, Emeril Lagasse, the cook, who would just go, bam, with the ingredients. The first Salt Bay, basically. Salt Bay ain't shit when it comes. You know, Salt Bae... Emerald walked so Salt Bae could run. You understand? It's the truth. Bro, Emerald would just go bam bam bam bam bam with the salt and pepper. Salt Bae come up and finesse it. Nice, nice, dude.

Okay, so... Emerald came out with it info mercer's are such a bullshit you know it's such the hey one thing that you don't need for an infomercial ever that they do so much is a live studio audience. Dude, but I want to say also thank you for having them because they add to it for me. I love it. I'm watching the Emeril Lagasse and Jordan Sparks fucking, what were they selling? Emeril Lagasse see how do I know his name by the way? Jordan Sparks, what do they sell?

Jordan it wasn't that Jordan Sparks by the way, I might have not been it sure look like her by the way. I might have not been. It sure looked like her. Uh, nah, one of the American Idol, Idol people with American, American Idol. I forgot you just ask it now. Like Friar, Kimberly Locke, Kimberly Locke. She was an American Idol. There it is. Kimberly Locke. I don't know why I thought it was Jordan Sparks. Actually, I do know why because I was watching it last night and I said, that chick's from American Idol. And Sam, my camera guy was like,

that's Jordan Sparks. And I was like, yup. And he fucked it all up. I, now I said that and I made a fool out of myself cause I just went with it, dude. Don't guess who it is. If you don't know who it is dude you're gonna fucking influence me you know what you did you manipulated me uh info Marshall here we go uh this is great is this the one the one with the doors a like not in it. Is this it? Is this it? Nah, it's not it. Oh, you know, this is it. This is great.

All right, here we go. Emerald Gossie here, and I'm so excited to tell you about my French store air fryer 360. This. Bro, this is not it, but it is basically it. How many fucking things did he hawk? Here, I'm just going to type it in. What was the infomercial with Emeril and Kimberly Locke?

Emeril every day, the show feature kitchen appearance, oh, so it's just like a, oh, it's a series. Oh, wow. They did a bunch of them. I loved watching it. Here we go. Let's look at one of them here. Pasta and Beyond. This one. Pasta and Beyond. Dude, here's the thing about these infomercials. Especially when it comes to food. There was a point where I've seen them all. Because I think they're so funny. But they make so much food, dude.

And it's gotta be so bad and dry. And they have to pretend it's good and I am in love with that Do you understand? Excited and you should be too because now you look how many pastas they got dude one two three four five six seven eight different pastas They have eight different pastas man, And they're all fucking different colors. Like it's like, like you're at Sherwin Williams. Fettuccine, linguine, angel hair, penne.

Me and Italy trying to hit on women. Lasagna noodles and even udon. Me and Italy trying to hit on women. Tagliatelle, lasagna noodles and even udon. Just as good as I can make it, me and Italy trying to hit on women. Bullshit audience, dude! Bullshit audience! Look at this. This one, dude, honestly, this has one comment under it and this is what it is. When I bought this machine, it was missing the meat grinder attachment. I called the support line. The only thing they were willing to do is to sell me another one for

$23 plus tax and shipping or returning. Hey guy, imagine first of all, buying this fucking thing and then dude, and then watching a YouTube video about it and then commenting about it and then trying to return it. God, this is amazing. So these, these, these, uh, commercial started in 2020. I, so I blame COVID for this. Uh, I blame this for COVID rather. Uh, let's look at more cause these are great.

Uh, dual zone air for this was the one I was watching, dude. I love the standing. I love the standing ovation dude. Who gives one of these people? The music dude from the mask. Smoking! Hey. You're ready to kick it up a notch smoke it say goodbye to back-to-back batch cooking and hey What That's what they start with say goodbye to back-to-back to batch cooking

back to batch for the worst lead line Low to sizzling hot main and side dishes that finish at the same time finish worst lead line. Unreal dude. So it's one oven that they... you can put two different things in and like you could put in like a potato and then also chicken on the other side and you know how it like you have to set them to different temperatures you could just set the temperatures differently and it'll figure out how to get the meal already at the same time so you know like so because it's a you know so this is a hassle when

you're cooking you're like alright the fucking turkey is ready but I don't want to get it cold now I got to do the fucking sauce you know and it's just like this big this fucking thing okay. cooking time in half you can actually cook two different foods two different temperatures two different times but with this new technology they all finish at the same time dude that song whatever that is sucks it's unbelievable imagine committing slew or side to that song it is the quick sync technology that matches the end cooking times and to that song. Looks fucking terrible. So dry.

Imagine being the guy in the recording room with broiled salmon with the same at the same time as fucking fucking dude listen right here listen and the all-american dogs. Oh, I see where you're going, Shao. Fuck you. How about a chili dog? Yes. Fucking. I personally am loving this quick sync technology

because this appraisal does all the thinking for you. It's truly amazing. Talking about a vibrator. Look at that. Yes. Nice eyes. Fucking. Nice hot chili.

Back shots. We have six burgers and a whole bunch of hot dogs. Yeah, that's the capacity that this has. Oh, talk about his balls, dude. Unbelievable. Incredible amounts of food. Look at the idiots. Ooh, dude. What are you doing? You fucking people, you actual people. By the way, we're going to cut it.

Look at this. Fucking. Did you put cheese in that burger? Yeah, oh God. No one's ever had cheese on a burger. Eating it. Incredible. You gotta be kidding me. And the recipes folks, they're all in the book.

You never have to turn your oven on again Here's how you know, it's a piece of shit It's $14 and that's real It's 14 fucking dollars for an oven. Hey Hey Finish the product make it more. You know what I mean, man? Hey, dude, it's not done yet.

You're going to fucking dry this shit out of my chicken? Make the oven bigger, make it more expensive, and if you want it, save up. Dude, just fucking... I mean, Emeril is just... I love this part. This part where he makes a joke right here. He makes a joke right here. Oh, killing, dude! How do I remember? Because I know, man, because I love this fucking shit. Wow.

Okay. So gross. I don't know who's coming for dinner, but we're feeding a lot of people here. So bloody. One touch, one pot. What is that? Is that for me or no 30-day trial offer $14 it's if you keep it it's $150 so basically you're renting this fucking thing 350 they didn't mention that at

all and the in the infomercial last night. $14, you have it for 30 days and I swear if you don't like it, I will come over your house and I will show you how to fucking use it myself. You're doing it wrong. $350, hey, that's too much of a price discrepancy, you know. You could use it for a month. As a matter of fact, I'll pay you $20 and if you keep it even one fucking second after that use owe me $400

You don't want me coming over. Trust me. So Italian. This is such an Italian way to do a fucking infomercial Here's what I'm gonna do. Here's what I'm gonna do. You keep my oven for a little bit longer You keep my oven for too long. Here's what I'm gonna do for you. I'm gonna come over right you need caps You don't need them both do you all right, so I'm gonna smash one of them. I'm a fuck your wife I'm gonna put on videotape you understand all right. That's going right on red tube immediately I'm sending links out to all your friends all your family I'm taking my oven back, and I'm taking the $400 you understand you do not want to you don't want to take my dual oven for longer than you need to all right give me my fucking money I'll

fuck your wife film it send links send red tube links of me blasting her all to your friends. Anyway let's make some chili dogs. Couldn't be any easier folks. One touch easy cooking. Well emerald you've made this beautiful meal so you know what I'm ready for. What's up? I'm ready for some dessert. Let's do it. How about cobbler? You like cobbler? Honey, I love cobbler. Well, we have a beautiful cobbler with assorted fruit

and we also have chocolate molten. Not one, but two desserts. You can have what you want by dual cooking, right? I love it. Bro. Yeah. It's fucking $350. Hey guy, just, and you can remove the fucking part

in the middle too, to make it one oven. Hey, it's just one oven. God, unbelievable dude. Imagine buying it for $15. And then the week later you get charged for $350 and you're like, what the fuck? And you just get a phone call from everyone you pick up it goes it goes BAM

that's a little bit more this is the only thing that they made that looks good by the way is the Reuben sandwich and then we use the grill side for a grilled Reuben we're're gonna do half-fried shrimp, poor boy. Who doesn't want a little less guilt when they're enjoying their poor boy? Look, this is so bad. The poor boy with the shrimp and the fucking... you know... The tomato...the poor boy?

Poor boy, right? Oh, but it's poor boy, yeah. But she said poor boy. Well, she's obviously... not Cajun, you know what I mean? She's obviously not from New Orleans like I am. You can hear fries, folks. We're up to 80% fewer calories from fat. Yeah, believe him. Even potato chips. Have a bite. Let's have, let's see Emeril.

Bam, go bam. And then we'll sign off here. Let's see Emeril go bam. Here we go. Best of bam. Oh, he was the shit when he was younger. Look at him. Yeah, fuck Salt Bae. Look at this dude.

There would be no Salt Bae if it wasn't for fucking Amalekasi. Somebody commented, a cooking show with a live audience and live music? This is entertainment right here. Hey, touch grass. I'm gonna kick it up a little bit. Um... He was a star, you know? Guy got sucked off a plenty.

Just sucked off a plenty. You know, after the show he'd go right in his fucking limo, and just... God, that's awesome. Dude, he'd get in the limo, and there would be a chick there, and he would walk in and he go, and that's it. And she knew what, she knew what, she knew what's up. That's how he would do that. He would say he would walk in, take his, he would walk, he would get in the limo and the woman would be there. And this is what he would say,

and then she would start sucking and then he would have a vicious mind-bending orgasm. A vicious, vicious mind-bending orgasm that completely took over his whole body. And on the tail end of it he would say. Very important. Not too fat. Completely took over his whole body and on the tail end of it. He would say Not too fat There we go the meat right here. He's a very important not too fat Or fatty go to the grocery store. You can read the label 9010 if you want it lean 85 15 is the perfect one. He's so good He's so good,'s so good dude oh fuck yeah rest in peace he's not dead but you know he will be like you know

oh shit dude all right well that good. Thank you guys for watching. And uh... I appreciate ya. Thank you very much. Yeah baby. See ya. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you,