Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 433. Chill Allowance

Episode Date: March 20, 2025

This week we've got tales from The Embassy Suites, Trump getting hit with a microphone, llama walks, and a stolen wife. Video Games for life! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Because at Desjardins Business, we speak the same language you do, business. So join the more than 400,000 Canadian entrepreneurs who already count on us, and contact Desjardins today. We'd love to talk business Hey 433 of congratulations it is episode 433 that's 433 of congratulations Hi guys, Portland Oregon coming up. That's the one. Next weekend Cranston Rhode Island, Portland Maine, Casper Wyoming, Cheyenne Wyoming, Denver Colorado, New York New York, Boston, Savannah Georgia, Atlanta Georgia. Look at all these dates man. Winnipeg, Regina, Saskatoon. I added South Florida.

Dude, I'm getting, you know, I got the Ontario Improv. I'm getting into it here. Irvine Improv. And then I got Huntsville, Alabama, and then a bunch of dates in Miami. But already, and Dania. So that's cool. That's fun, man. You know, just gonna be on the road. I'm loving it. Straight out of the multiverse. Come get tickets. ChrisLia.com. But also,

I'd be chilling. So here's the deal. I got the producers here. They came here to do this show and I was sleeping. And let me tell you why. Okay. Because I went to, uh, Amarillo, Texas, and then also Lubbock, Texas. Now when I went to Amarillo, Texas, there was a fricking dust storm. Okay. It looks like that's where they, they filmed Dune. Like it was absolutely horrendous and I'm sure they don't think so because they're probably like This is how it is over here. We get dust storms totally normal, but it's not normal because you filmed Dune there

Okay, you got sand worms Okay, you got a sarlacc pit and that also is from Star Wars and I know that but still it fits but um Yeah, it was a lot of sand around in my eyes and mouth So there we go, and I had sunglasses no I had regular glasses on because I forgot my Dopp kit He'll make fun of me for saying Dopp kit and channel changer will come to talk about. But dop kit, uh, toiletry bag. That's it. That's a, toiletry bags is not the, I don't like that, that word. I like dop,

dop kit, but whatever it, that doesn't matter. What does matter is I forgot it. I forgot it. When I got to Amarillo, I go like this, where's my dop kit? And it just wasn't there. So I like, Oh my God, thank God I have my glasses. Cause I usually bringopp kit and it just wasn't there. So I like oh my god Thank god. I have my glasses cuz I usually bring my glasses in my Dopp kit. All right. I didn't have my medication Didn't have my so like oh great this weekend. Not only am I gonna be disgusting with no deodorant. I'm also going to be The Crazy because of my medication isn't here.

Okay. So, um, and your boys on Prozac and fin and finasteride, I'm going to be a bald, crazy person by the time I leave, which probably would help my life. Honestly, I'm being serious. I don't think I look, if I could care less and you know, maybe I think losing my hair would be good for me because I would just Be less, you know, I'm not that vain when it comes to looks But I would I would I would be less vain and that's always better, right? But also maybe I would care less if I was a crazy person so it doesn't man, you know, but what I'm saying is but also maybe I would care less if I was a crazy person. So it doesn't, you know, but what I'm saying is

there was a dust storm and then I didn't sleep in the bed because it was, well, I tried to sleep in a bed because I was at an embassy suites. And embassy suites, dude, your beds, they're terrible. Hey, also embassy suites, every time I've ever been to an embassy suites, you have, you can bid on sport art. You can like bid on memorabilia and sport art. Like that whole, that like, it's like art deco, colorful Jordan painting slam dunking.

And it'll be like, this is from the game and it's like this is from the game where he played and you're like it's just art dude it's art and people are bidding on it and there's always sports memorabilia in the lobby you can bid on and why? Why? Why? You can like bid on like rings and stuff. That's so weird, embassy sweets. Hey, don't set up that and set up the bed better. The bed was like sleeping on a box, okay? The bed was terrible.

Sub the first night, terrible. Sub the second night, terrible. And let me tell you something, guys. When I go on the road One thing that I know for sure is that I'm gonna sleep real awesome Because I don't have to wake up and take any kids to school but I did not sleep so it was bad and I Like to not I like to on the road when I go on the road now

I'll tell you what I don't like being away from my kids and my family. I'll tell you that much. I really, really don't. I really don't. You know, I'd rather not go on the road, but I've learned to be like, you know what? Daddy's gonna get some sleep. Daddy's gonna get some sleep

and daddy's gonna get some, I used to hate flying. Daddy's gonna go on the plane and guess what's gonna happen on the plane? Nothing. Nothing, dude. I'm on the plane, and you know what's happening? Nothing, dude. Hey, you know what's happening?

Sometimes this is happening on the plane, and I'm being dead serious, sometimes this is happening on the plane. Looking around at the plane. I'm not looking at anything. I'm not watching a movie because I'm not, you know, maybe I'll have the chicken enchiladas that they that they give you. Maybe I'll have some nuts and club soda.

Maybe I won't, dude. Maybe I'll just be sitting around looking like a blind guy in the plane for no. And then I'll pass out and I'll wake up. Dude, I used to hate flying. First of all, I used to be scared of it. I'm not anymore. Second of all, I used to hate flying because of the time it took.

And I used to be so tired after flying. But what I did was I figured out the game, dude. I game the system, okay? I game the system by realizing don't take early flights, number one, fly the day before. Yes, dude. and then also all right I know I think that was it that's how I figured it out allow yourself to chill you know I gave myself chill allowance. So yeah, anyway, I take later flights and I sleep hard and I don't get sick.

So what happened this week was though, I was sleeping on a bed and I was at Embassy Suites. And then I went to Lubbock, Texas. And I was in a hotel where the hotel was one of those outdoor Ones where you walk up to your room, you know, like a like a days in or a motel six It was a really nice hotel I'm not gonna say it was a bad hotel

but it still was one of those like you walk up to it and get and I'm like, oh someone's gonna come in and murder me and Not that I was scared But I was like, I don't think I'm gonna sleep too well because I'm gonna get murdered here And then the next day I had to wake up at like five to go take a flight. And anyway, this is boring. But the whole thing why I'm telling you this

is because the reason why I was sleeping when my producers got here was because I was so fricking tired and I got here. And so last night, so here's the deal. So last night when I got here and I and and so last night so here's the deal so last day when I got why got home yesterday morning early because I wanted to be with the fam okay took my kids to my mom and dad's had a great time you know and was that was being dad right go to bed at 11 dude hey okay 11 I go to bed at 11, dude. Hey. Okay? 11, I go to bed at 11, and then fall asleep

for an hour and a half. Hey. Okay? Wake up, because Kristen brought the marching band in, right? That is, when Kristen gets ready for bed, it's, da da da da da da da,

tsh tsh tsh, da da da da da da da da, tsh tsh, da da da da da da da, tsh tsh tsh, then that that that that that that stand there don't that that don't that that stand stand that that that don't that that you get that that that that that gone gone gone gone just it's unbelievable dude there's a French horn there and I go what are you doing oh she's like getting ready for bed and I'm like I want to be like with who with what with what circus did you invite the cast of oh And so do you got the tops of trash cans? Are you banging them together? What's going on here? And so I go, so I wake up and she's like, I'm going to bed and then she gets in bed and

she goes, oh man I forgot to take my melatonin and then goes and gets melatonin and I go, hey give me one cuz you you know you woke me up with the marching band and then she brought back she's like you want it this melatonin and I was like yeah give it to me I gave dude I took Lee Mo Lee. Dude, I slept so hard. You know when you sleep and it feels like it was a sleep workout? It was like a, not just you allowed your body to go to sleep.

You did it actively. You actively slept. You're like like a power nap. That's how you think of like how a power nap would be. I power napped for 10 hours. So by the time I got, I woke up, I go let me just say this I woke up like I had Down syndrome I couldn't understand what was happening and then I go oh my god it was like a ten something and she's like you know wake up she was already awake you know and I was like yeah definitely didn't wake up then woke up and realized the dreams I dream that my wife got stolen like a purse. Like I had a dream that she got stolen at the mall,

like someone's purse, OK? And I go outside of a Claire's like where's my wife and and and I go oh no and I call my assistant and I say hey where's my wife and she's like I don't know and I'm like oh crap and then and then I find out that Jeffrey Epstein took her. Now he's dead, okay? But he took her with his buddies to an island, okay? Sound familiar? Like sounds like a like you know, God that static is annoying. What is that? My cell phone? What is that? You hear that? What is it? It hear that? What is it? It won't be on the recording?

So annoying. It's like the interference. So he stole her, brought her to an island and I'm like, great dude, she's gonna get fucked a lot. My wife got stolen like a bag and now is gonna get fucked a lot. What if you just turned the podcast on in that moment? And so I'm like, okay, I gotta get her. I gotta get her back. You know, it was

like taken, but the aloof version. Okay. I had to get my wife and I didn't know how because she just up and vanished. Okay. And so now that sucks and I'm scared. And then I find out later, okay, so she calls me during the getting abducted, which I'm scared and then I find out later, okay So she calls me during the getting abducted which I'm like, well, hey, what are you doing? And she's like, I can't really talk right now, but don't worry. Everything's gonna be fine And I'm like, well what the fuck dude, no, what do you mean? Are you falling in love? Are you gonna just are people are you are you are you is it you're getting involved you like to train life You you like you're gonna get you like you like getting trains running on you or what? Is this your secret thing now?

What do you mean you're gonna be fine because you you you want to get ran on now and i'm not gonna be evolved Yeah, so And she's like, uh, so, I get her back and then she was like, okay, so this is what happened. And I was like, what? And this is still in my dream. And she says, um, they brought us to an island and they put us in a house and these married guys come and just have sex with a bunch of women and I got out of it and I said how I said cuz they don't really check up on you and I was the one videotaping and I was like oh so you just saw a bunch of chicks get ran through by like some bald dudes and she

was like, yup. And I was like, did you get all like, um, did you have a lot of trauma? She's like, I kind of made it out with barely any trauma. I was like, fuck yeah, dude. But anyway, so we're all good, dude. But anyway, so all good, dude. And then I woke up and I told her about it and she was like, you better, if someone tried to abduct me, I'd fucking kill them. And I was like, Oh, you don't get it. You don't get it. You don't get it. Yeah. You're crafty and smart, but men are strong. Right? So anyway, then I fell asleep again because I was just wiped.

So and I was like, I'm just gonna do the podcast as is because I am just totally real and raw and what you see is what you get. And you know what, if you want me on melatonin, you got me on melatonin. But if you don't like me on melatonin, you don't deserve me at my not melatonin. So I'm gonna take my my sweater off cuz it's hot This that guy sent me this born born dead shirt It's a company over there. Check them out. They're cool Anyway

So that's the story and I had so many crazy dreams and I will not be eating more melatonin probably. Although tonight I really want a good night's sleep. Dude, dude, suck this hand off right there. The white dude, this white dude with you, there is only one way a white dude can sing this good. And it's if he has a double chin. And you know that, okay? And his hair is pushed back a little bit because he's a little bit bald.

But this dude sucked his hand off after that note. He goes... Dude, this guy is killing it. How does a white guy sing like this? He knows it too. Ah, so soulful. He knows it too. So soulful. The hand up, dude.

I mean this guy literally looks like a lesbian. Has a Subaru. Sometimes pans rock, huh? But, but like, you don't really want to like, I don't know, man. You still don't want to go to parties, you know? Oh dude, when you really hit that, when you hit that dude. Oh dude, like you're trying to clear your throat, but soulful about it. The fucking, uh, the Kermit or the Fozzie Bear. Oh, the Super Grover. Oh, this is near and far.

So he killed it, dude. But the but the sucking off the hand thing right here. Oh, hand behind his back, just chilling and then sucking on. Oh, right here. Oh, right here, right here, right here. Oh, with the tongue, dude! Dude, that is actually the sexiest move I've ever seen in my life since probably Antonio Banderas did three things in the year 2000.

That guy just killed her. That ain't that great. And accurate. Um, dude, this is so funny. This guy tries to go, okay. So there's a guy walking down the street in, I guess Australia or New Zealand, uh, and he's got a mullet. the street in I guess Australia or New Zealand and

He's got a mullet and an alpaca, okay So it's definitely there and this This is Carrie the fire I'm your host, Lisa LaFlamme. Carry the Fire, a podcast by the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation featuring inspiring personal stories about what happens when world leading doctors, nurses, researchers, and their patients come together to ignite breakthroughs. Carry the Fire launches Monday, January 27th, wherever you get your podcasts.

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It's a big dog, right You're fucking you're fucking fuck yourself. What do you expect my you walk in a fucking llama? Yeah, you look like one of those dumb cunts like you. That's an alpaca. Yeah, you look like one of those dumb cunts like you. That's an alpaca. Look at that. How did it go from 0 to 60 faster than a 9-11? I mean, just... I'm a big dog that, mate. I fact-checked a fucking thing off my face. You're walking a fucking llama mate

Yeah, that's the get some brains. It's not a fucking llama There's a difference between now packing a dumb can I a fuck you you look like one fuck How did get outside of also outside of a foot massage place? Dude, how did it get so advanced so quickly is the black belt of fighting immediately, dude It's a big dog, mate. Shut that camera up your ass. I'm pointing it in your face. I think you're partying your fuck with.

Wow, dude, it is so funny that there's a foot spa, and next to it, a house. Hey, where are they, dude? Hey, Australia or New Zealand, do you have zoning laws? So what do you expect, man? You walk in a fucking llama. Don't get so fucking crazy. There's a difference between a fucking alpaca

and a dumb cunt like you. That's an alpaca. I love how he went, there's a difference between an alpaca and you know what he was gonna say and a llama, but he changed it to make the insult more digging and said, and a damn C word. I just feel, uh, honestly for the llama in this one, because the llama is just

like rolling his llama eyes or alpaca eyes. You know what I mean? But why is a foot spa next to a house? And then on the other side of the house, there's another business. That's crazy. Check out your zoning laws. Uh, that's the most Australian thing I've ever seen in my life though dude did you see when Trump got hit in the head with the microphone oh the most mad anyone ever been and it's great dude you know what it's like what's his name

was interviewing him? Tom Green. You know, when you had the shit on the microphone and you get it close to the end, you go, interview the guy and he's like, shit. Well, that's assault actually now if you did that this day. But, um, they hit his... Like, how did... Here, let's just watch it. Oh, so mad, dude. That's fantastic.

Look at how it hits his face it kind of leaves a little bit of a like his lip gets put pushed back a little bit into his gums and then stays there for like a hot second and then he realizes something it's like he here let's watch it again realize it's like he here. Let's watch it again. We're like it's like he much Talking about Gaza dude, and he just goes you know what no my insides are too hot right now We have to talk about this fucking dumb idiot that just hit me with it You made television tonight Right, right, did you see that and then shaking his head and then I said anyway, yeah, I'll fix Gaza and moon walks away

Wow That's great. And also she's not mic so she can't be like sorry. That's great. Oh that's great. Nothing though is as great as this. I saw this video. I'm getting into more shit but this video. It's long, it's kinda long and I know there's listeners too and this will be the last video we do maybe but this guy's getting baptized. All right look

religion is cool. Fine. Okay I'm not saying religion is cool I'm saying you want to do religion, do religion. Okay I got nothing against it except for it started a lot of wars. Okay. Now you want to be religious. Don't be going to wars and doing all that stuff and killing everyone. All right. You know, uh, you want to get baptized all good. It's crazy how wet you have to get when you get baptized as an adult, right? It's just so crazy because your whole body gets wet.

You're not a baby, but they just pour thing on a baby's head. Yeah. And if, but if you're six, two, you got to like go under completely, which is honestly horse shit because don't let them do that and just be like okay I'll be religious that's fine I'm baptized but you're 6-2 you got to let another guy dunk you under all right now this whole thing is like a this is obviously in a church and this guy is this is a baptism pool or it I mean maybe who knows it could be the jacuzzi at the Radisson Inn, but the,

uh, it's a bunch of water is in this thing and you've got a priest and a lady. And then you just have like somebody behind them for no reason. And they dunk this dude in and the priest just watch. That's the woman, the priest and the priest and the priest goes absolute underwater dunks. He's baptized too now. So he got baptized again, the priest and the guy now, now the priest and the lady are on the camera goes, help them up, man, to the guy who got baptized.

So the first, the first thing this guy did when he was a Christian was pick the priest up out of the water. All right? It's a holy. All right? So acting so serious, just standing there like a Call of Duty character, not doing anything. It always sounds like they're making up these songs as they go. You know what I mean? I've been down in Jesus name?

What? Sit me. I've been down in Jesus' name. What? So, okay, so... This is so funny, bro. I've been down in Jesus' name. So, hold on. So, look. He hugs the priest. Dude, still serious about it.

The guy just dunked... Dude, the priest just took a lap. You know what I'm saying? And now they're hugging like it's serious. Nobody's done anything except for singing, they've been down in Jesus name. Hey guys, react to it. Just because you're a Christian doesn't, just because you're a Christian doesn't mean it didn't happen. The priest got dunked. Okay, hey, the priest is at a carnival? Hey somebody hit the bullseye. Okay priest took a lap. All right Let's react and then get down to the okay. So anyway, another we're done laughing been down in Jesus name I mean the priest has water in his ear

Okay, let him get it out. Here we go Now they get up out of the thing. The priest, the priest's face bro. Now the guy's leaving the body of water. He's all wet. Goes into the back room here with his buddy who's taking the camera. Gets in there. Okay, got a towel. Great decision the guy says. So there's another guy in here now That's helping and then a cameraman and then this guy who got baptized Right here I love dudes. I love dudes.

He's going to the door. It's not often you baptize a priest. That is unbelievable. You did it because you did it. Oh, dude, I love you, man. That is something that dudes have in that they laugh and I'm not saying women don't have it, but there's something about being a dude where some goofy shit happens and you got to not laugh but it's extra funny

and for some reason being a dude adds to it cuz you know why you know why because these dudes girlfriends would be there like this stop it stop it shh and it makes it absolutely fucking better dude stop it hey how many times is your wife or your girlfriend or fiance go like this? Hey, come on, stop. It's not time for jokes. And you go, yeah.

Because of that, dude. It is. It is. I mean, we were in therapy today, my wife and I, and I go, I said a joke that was funny, and she goes, Chris, come on. And I was like, oh, dude, no, dude, come on. It's the right time for jokes because of,

that's the wrong time for jokes. Remember, I remember me and my brother trying to not laugh at my grandma's funeral because the priest was short or something. And then we kept going like, look how insecure. And dude, and there were, my mom was, guys, guys. Dude, and it made us laugh harder. Ah, nothing better than that shit.

Laughing when you're not supposed to. Jeez, been down in Jesus name. Religion, school, you know what I mean? At the dinner table where your parents are mad, just forget it. Why do people hate Arrowhead Water? Whatever happened to the hoctua girl? Um, okay, so...

Trump got hit in the face. Um... I am Good morning everybody hello this is Reaper and I am back with another announcement Alright all you bitches Oh lost half your audience already okay Lost half the audience already but gotta hand it to you. Great big balls, okay? Like great big balls. The guy's 30 and just doesn't, just...

Okay, here we go. Good morning. The fake, like he was gardening or something. Good morning everybody. Hello, this is Reaper and I am back with a new... Hey, Reaper. Like he's in the Book of Eli or whatever the fuck. Hey, we get it Tripled it down in case you didn't know I wasn't talking about women when I said bitches all you women in case you didn't know

I wasn't talking about women all you females you understand what I'm talking about the ones with the pussies. Okay, dude, just so This is great already. All right If you are coming to my page looking for a relationship, go fuck yourself. Okay. Had. The worst. Childhood. Ever.

Dude. First of all, not go fuck yourself. It's okay, dude. Just ignore those messages. Second of all, it's not happening. Dude. Because I am not leaving my video games for no bitch. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Dude thatHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH Total disgrace to this fucking society. I'm sorry, but you girls are not of interest to me Yeah, I don't know how many times I can say that without actually going blue in the face. This guy's acting like he's fucking Brad Pitt dude. Hey guy you got no front tooth Hey guy But I'm being factual. So please go fuck yourself

Find another man to bother. Do not be bothering men at fucking four, three, two a.m. in the fucking morning. We actual normal people are actually fucking sleeping. Please go fuck yourself. Video game for life. Oh dude, this is a great one. And it's not even a visual one that you need.

I mean, if you do, look, the guy's got a lot of freckles and he's not very, I would say he's like a three out of ten you know I don't mean to judge dudes but oh well he's got no front tooth so it might be less than three honestly and I'm not saying he could maybe be more attractive but he just it's just funny that this guy, wow, dude, I got to watch it again. Good morning. Well, I'm sorry, but if you don't appreciate the original sigh, turn the podcast off. It, I'm not, I don't, I don't respect you because you got to understand if you want

to be part of this cult, if you want to be part of the people who, you know, if you're a baby here from OG and you want to get in the log cabin, if you want to be part of this cult here of congratulations, you need to understand how good the side is. Okay. He did it because he wasn't prepared. He did it because he was insecure about what he's about to say. Yes, that is so fantastic that he had to cover it with a, ah, dude, it's so great.

And if you don't appreciate it, you're done in my book. Good morning, everybody. Hello, this is Reaper, and I am back with another announcement. Also, he gets so Boston progressively as it goes on. All right, all you bitches, all you females. Imagine a class, the class over the PA. Women, if you are coming to my page looking for a relationship, go fuck yourself.

That is such a great, go fuck yourself. Because I am not leaving my video games for no bitch. Like, like it's a rap song I ain't even my video games for no bitch I'm sorry video games are my priority honestly video games are my priority is is fucking absolutely sensational that is so unbelievable hey sorry sorry bitch playing Sonic uh sorry bitch playing fortnight sorry bitch playing fucking what's that one what's that fucking one Final Fantasy 7 that is just unbelievable. You want it? You came here for a relationship.

Here's the only thing more insecure than the, uh, in the beginning is, dude, I cannot believe this is so great. People say this is cringe. It's on, I guess it's on TikTok cringe. It's not cringey. This dude's ballin'. You know what? To be honest, this is what this is like. I'm gonna do this.

We probably can't do too much of it because it's music, but this is exactly what this is like. Hold on. Here we go. Dude. Yeah, dude. Hold on. Good morning morning everybody. Hello, this is Reaper and I am back with another announcement. Alright, all you bitches, all you females, all you women.

If you are coming to my page looking for a relationship, go fuck yourself. Unbelievable. Because I am not leaving my video games for no bitch. I'm sorry. Video games are my priority. Women are nothing but cancer. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Go fuck yourself. Unbelievable. Because I am not leaving my video games for no bitch. I'm sorry. Video games are my priority. Women are nothing but cancer. And I'm total disgrace to this fucking society. I'm sorry. Because you all have interest in me. I don't know how many times I can say that without actually going blue in the face.

But I'm being factual. So please, go fuck yourself. Unbelievable. Find another man to bother uh yo not be bothering men at fucking four three two so boston morning we actual normal people are actually fucking sleeping normal people dude you call yourself a reaper yeah they hit him up shit is ridiculous over that. Alright, so for all you bitches, if you're looking, if you're coming to my page for a relationship, go fuck yourself. I'm gonna let my little homies ride on your ass.

His kids. I'm playing Sonic, dad. Dude, this is unbelievable. Yo, that is so good. Don't. I just, just fantastic. What is this here? Oh yeah.

The internet is just, you know what dude? I know that like, and I'm not saying that the connectivity of the internet and the connectivity of the human race and stuff wasn't supposed to happen. I'm not saying the internet wasn't supposed to happen, but the web pages and the apps definitely wasn't supposed to happen. You know, I'm talking about God let that slip and God is up there like, Oh, I fucking let it get out in control. You know what? I didn't mean for there to be Reddit.

These people are, they shouldn't be having Twitter and now it's X. It shouldn't be happening and truth social. And I just, I let it, you know what I was doing? I was focusing on the wars and I should should have been focusing on Instagram and Meta. And I let it get, once I let Facebook get to Meta, and I honestly didn't even do that good a job with the wars really. I'd just been really busy.

You know what I've been working on? Making sure that people use the right pronouns. That's what I've been working on. And instead the internet got nuts Yeah, dude imagine you're God oh My god imagine you're God and you are like Okay, you're God so you don't have to sleep, but you're constantly stressed, right? But do you feel stressed?

You just go, oh, God, I'm in more, more bombs. God damn it. Oh, fuck. Oh, Gaza. What am I going to do about that? I got to get away. You know what? I'll deal with that after the heroin problem in Vancouver.

I don't want to get to that. You know what? I'm going to work on the heroin problem in Vancouver. I don't wanna get to that. You know what? I'm gonna work on the heroin problem in Vancouver today. Oh, what happened? Oh God. Jesus. Okay. Seriously, I have to deal with fracking? I don't even know what that is. I'll never know what that is. You know what I'll never know what that is, right, St. Peter? Is it even a job for me or can they figure it? They can't figure it out. They can't figure anything out. You know what? I'll deal with fracking today I'll do the Vancouver problem tomorrow, and yeah, I know a bunch of people gonna die, but what can I do?

There's only one me and I'm constantly stressed or or he's not stressed. He's got you know what I'm not stressed But I know I gotta fix this stuff Now streaming what do you know about the happy face killer? He's my father So good to see you missing. Experience the thrilling new series. He said he killed another woman. Inspired by a true life story. If I don't deal with him, he will never leave us alone. You don't see how the birds sing to you. Anna Lee Ashford and Dennis Quaid star. I am not responsible for what my dad did. This going how you hoped? Happy Face, new series now streaming exclusively on Paramount+. From there, you'll unlock first come, first serve spots at select top restaurants when

booking through OpenTable. Learn more at OpenTable.ca forward slash Visa Dining. It was some kind of shit. Remember the 1600s? When all we had to worry about was like fevers and amputations and shit. The infancy death rate. But maybe that was better, right? worry about was like fevers and amputations and shit. The infancy death rate, but maybe that was better, right? Because like they grow up and what do they become? Pieces of shit, right?

Like this guy on Reddit saying, fuck all you bitches. And now I got to deal with that, right? I can't shut Reddit down. People will know it's me. I'm fucked. You can turn the air off now. Um, you can turn the air off now. I don't know. So you know how Drake was, uh, uh, like, so, you know, he would do interviews

when he was on Degrassi and he was like, yeah, you know, when I got into character or so, yada yada, and then just immediately was like, no face, no face, no face, no face. I mean dude They made some hardcore songs that Drake made some hardcore songs and do I even I even asked my black friend What no face was because he loves that song no face. No face. No face. No face I say what is it and dude, you know what happened? He just crapped he goes, you know what man? I don't know but it sounds nice. I'm like, oh dude, you're just making shit up

You're just saying shit. It's basically rap is basically this podcast You're just saying shit. You're making it up. What's no face me. Hey Drake. What's no face me. What's that mean? Does he know so but point is he went from? you know Not feminine but like, you know, not feminine, but like, you know, not gangster to gangster, when it's like your life was only getting better, right? You've earned being gangster if you came up through the hood and the projects, you know what I'm saying?

And you're like, you'll fuck this, fuck this, and now I gotta fight my way out myself. Fuck these motherfuckers You know what I mean? Like I got the raw end of the deal even mafia guys is like, you know We got the world, you know, they're fucking with us. They blame the blacks the blacks blame the whites You know and it's like you get gangster because you grew up Poor if you grew up with money, you don't earn that and then you get more money Because you're an actor and then a famous rapper Then you don't get more gangster you get less gangster the guy should be basically Drake should be on the home shopping network

You know I'm saying he should basically be on HGTV. That's you get less gangster the more money you get because Gangsters have to do shit y'all got y'all you don't say I gotta eat dog I gotta eat you know saying I'm gonna take that shit if that's what it comes down to man so like so my point is do, who did it right was Marky Mark. Mark Wahlberg. He was Marky Mark, grew up, you know, I assume grew up, I don't know how he grew up, but you know,

was a little gangster, and then once he started making movies, he goes like this, actually, what's going on hey this look at this is me Maki mark my man HB and yet showing on teen vid basically my music is me yeah if you listen to my whole album and didn't see my face you would say wow this kid know, he's probably from a rundown neighborhood and, you know, had hard times and, you know, he's just being truthful.

You know what I'm saying? But if they were to see me, and they'd say, oh, he's one of the new kids' brothers, they would say, oh yeah, he's just a rich kid and it's a bunch of bull and this and that. I'm not trying to project any goody two-shoe image or anything like that, you know? I grew up in the street, you know what I mean? I know what it's like to be in trouble, you know what I mean? I know what it's like to be poor. I know what it's like to have money. But it's easier for me as opposed to like the new kids, you know what I mean? Because I'm not basically focused on the girls and the love songs and stuff. Some do hip-hop and forget where it started. The claim of the white complexion ain't the reason why the records charted, please.

Man, it's so easy to see. When the white dude raps, the public sees it as a novelty. Even me, although I take it seriously, some just like me because of my R-A-C-E. But I won't quit and I won't stop, because I do hip-hop records just because I love hip-hop. Honestly, that's so dope. That... I missed the rap when it was like, you know, me and my kids were, I put on an OPP and it was just like, and y'all can throw that Skrraka bomb right in the closet, yo.

Like I missed that kind of shit. Oh dude, it was so funny. I was going like this. I was going like this. And Billy was going like this. Like I'm like, that's not it, but that's so cute, dude, it was so funny. I was going like this. I was going like this and Billy was going like this. Like, I'm like, that's not it, but that's so cute, dude. I was putting my like rapping like this and Billy just goes. And Calvin, dude, Calvin does this thing where when I play a rap

song on a, on a music video, he, he, he, uh, he'll, he'll like get in a hip hop stance and on one knee kinda and like start pretending like he's rapping to the camera and it is the motherfucking cutest thing and we were listening to, you know, I was, I had a bunch of different songs. Here, wait, let me get to it, because I took it, I sent it to... I had a bunch of different... Here, let me play this. I was playing Big L. I'm gonna make music videos, and I'm gonna be Big L. You wanna listen to, who's your favorite rapper?

Big L. Should we listen to him now? Yeah. Okay. Dude, Big L is his favorite rapper. My son's five, you know? Uh, hey, what song do you like? Ebonics? Hey, what song do you like? Flamboyant? Falife? I want to listen to Big L. Dude, I took that video, I sent it to DJ Premier, and that fucking made me He wrote back, wow, and that makes me feel good

Wow with a bunch of W's so go fuck yourself But how funny is that though? And then I put on Big L and he was just singing and rapping and dancing with it and And then I put on OPP Always for other P's for people scratching temple. The last P-Ball. That's not that simple. It's sort of like well another way to call it cat-a-kitten. There's five little letters that are missing here. Hell yeah dude. Wigga-wigga-wigga-wag. You know what I mean? That kind of shit. I miss that hip-hop dude and I don't even mean that as an old guy. I want it to

coexist with the man that's although the stuff now bro. It's so weird how stuff has changed like Eminem when he came out everyone was like are you oh? shit he actually is the best rapper of all time right and Now the you look he's he's obviously really talented and you love him. The youth is like, that's corny. I want to listen to a guy off the lean using auto-tune saying nine total words in a rap song because that's what's cool. Now yes, okay, look, it's changed to what's hot right now. But, uh, I want, they can coexist, dude.

And I guess they do, right? But that is not what's cool, I'll tell you that much. And that is, wiggity-wiggity-wiggity-whack. Um... So it is, so anyway, dude, I, dude, you know what I did? And I'm so happy about it. I woke up and I feel good now. And that's what I did.

And that's all I need to do is this podcast. Thank you guys. Thank you guys truly for having me do this podcast because I woke up finally. Melatonin or not. First off, fuck your bitch. First off, fuck your bitch in the click. You claim West side when we brought Kermit. Um, I tell you what Lubbock, Texas, there's some places in Texas that are just.

You want to be like, why? Right? Like it's nice. And the, but the crowds, the people there are so friggin awesome. The crowd, like, first of all, I'm a Rillo was, I mean, I, I don't even, like the whole place has the feeling of standing outside of a mattress shop. Like that's how it feels there. Not a good one, you know? Not sit and sleep. Like Joe's mattresses. It feels like you're outside of a mattress place, not a chain. Joe's mattresses and that's what it feels like

in Amarillo and then they shot Dune there right so but but the shows were great I mean Amarillo was a little rowdy but Lubbock was fantastic dude I really was in it was really really in my shit I don't know if I like this you guys know what I'm talking about you guys see that clip it's like Tom sitting on a table he's getting his pecs rubbed for football reasons I guess his son comes in he's like daddy. Can I play roblox and he's like I don't know So the son waddles over and he goes gives him a peck walks away and Tom goes That was like a peck. And so this song like walks over and thumbs up and makes them hold this kiss.

It's just, it's not for me. Wow. It's not for me. That's pretty funny. I, I, yeah. You know what? I like it. It's, I came around on it, but why is that on, why is that on camera?

Well, I guess, like, look, every family has their own shit and I don't, you know, dude, you love your kid in your way. And if your whole thing, you know, I mean, Italians will fucking Mack down on each other when they see each other at the club, you know, they'd be like, dude, you love your kid in your way. And if your whole thing, you know, I mean, Italians are fucking mack down on each other when they see each other at the club. You know, they'll be like, I don't know. I don't know. Hey, look, Anthony, Anthony, come here. And just fucking stroke, you know, stroke in them. Anthony, Anthony, bus bus on my side, bus on my side, Anthony. And and that's like just meeting someone at a at a cafe and so

you know that's obviously its own thing don't do that with if you're a parent but like you know you want to kiss your kid on the lips okay what cultures are different you know all fine but but what what was this film for like a show or do you even know it was it on his instant like Some interview. Oh, right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Like it's not like the Brady's keeping up with the Brady's Hmm interesting Yeah, well, I Don't I don't know Somebody says seriously the Tom Brady's fucking is a fucking weird, dude

You know I don't I you know why is why are what I want to know is people aren't really talking about this that much and What is what is why is it that no one's really talking about this and people think that instead Hillary Clinton is eating babies you know I mean hey focus on this also also maybe don't even I don't know what from five years ago got it, okay. Oh, okay. Oh Some that was pretty funny what a funny interlude though, you know Radio is getting a frontal massage when he kissed his son on the left. You guys know what I'm talking about? You guys see that clip?

Also, where is this? Someone's back there. Tom's sitting on a table. Great interlude. For football reasons, I guess. Great vampy. His son comes in and he's like, daddy, can I play roadblocks? And he's like, I don't know. Honestly, dude, this guy is a great performer. To be able to hold this moment at a backyard and just sit in it. The sun waddles over and he goes, gives him a peck, walks away and time goes.

That was like a peck. And so the sun like walks over and comes up and he makes him hold this kiss it's just this part this person best part it's not for me it's one for me and my dad that's good what's What's that from? That's from a song. I can tell that's the melody of a song, of a different song, but whatever. Anyway, what is that?

Why is that guy have a... That's a weird... Anyway, good performer. What if that's how he was good at football? Also, I don't like getting massages. Am I the only one? Yeah, you too? I don't like getting massages. Am I the only one? Yeah, you too. I don't like it. It's like just alright, hurry up. Also, Kristen is always like, couples massage?

Well, not always, but I'm like, dude, first of all, if I'm gonna get a massage, that's a solo thing. Meaning I don't even want the masseuse there. Okay? But if they are, and I'll get a massage from a dude, I don't even want the masseuse there. Okay? Uh, but if, if they are, and I'll get a massage from a dude, I don't give a fuck, bro. I am not... I am, I am... I, you know what, I almost, I almost prefer a dude sometimes,

because they're gonna really get in there. And I, and you know what, I get it, all the gay jokes and all that, but I don't give a fuck, dude. Hey, Craig, come rub me. But here's the deal, I don't want to have a massage because my body's fine the way it is but if you're gonna massage me don't massage my back that's the thing I don't like what I like to get massaged is my legs and butt and hands. That's it.

I will be the most relaxed handed, relaxed leg, them butt person, just zero knots. And don't do my back. It's just, it's all to me, it's like, it doesn't feel good. My skin is sensitive. How about that that dude? My skin is sensitive. All right. Um, and I won't, I know, and I'm one, I, I, I, I get it. Let me go out on this here because this is a, this was really fun for me.

Um, I'm sorry, but I want to do this again because it's really fun for me. I'm sorry but I want to do this again because it's really fun for me. Hold on. We'll go out on this. If you are coming to my page looking for a relationship go fuck yourself Because I am NOT leaving my video games for no bitch. I'm sorry video games are my priority Women are nothing but cancer and a total disgrace to this fucking who's going off I'm sorry, but you girls are not of interest to me

I don't know how many times I can say that without actually going blue in the face but I'm being factual so please don't fuck yourself find another man to bother do not be bothering men at fucking 4 3 2 a.m. in the fucking morning we actual normal people are actually fucking sleeping Are you getting for a life? Alright guys, subscribe to the Patreon. You missed some of this episode, get it on the Patreon, patreon.com slash Kristalia and then there's also an extra episode every month. There's so many episodes there now. Go support the show, we really appreciate you.

And go get tickets to Kristalia, straight out of the multiverse chrisley.com thank you very much bye bye see you guys Yay!