Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 439. Lay Horizontal

Episode Date: April 24, 2025

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Unwrap the early days of your favorite hockey stars with Tim's new retrospective rookies hockey cards featuring exclusive NHL and PWHL players and retired legends. Collect them all only at Tim's at participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time. It is episode three, uh, four. No, I said three, but it's not. It's episode 439 of congratulations Hey guys, welcome and I, you know, I just crushed some magic mines. So it's about to get on and pop in. The littler the drink is the more big whoops, leave that out I guess, but to drink it. But this is very little and it's good. And it keeps me going.

Well, so I mean, it keeps me going. It's not like if I ever win an award, I'm gonna be like, and thanks to, you know what I mean? I'll thank my family. But yeah, it's yeah. So look, guys, it's me, dude. And it's episode 439. I can't believe we have 439 episodes. And I also can't believe that I put up my second leg, you know, I say my second leg of my tour and stuff like that. And I say, you know, a bunch of

cities. And then I, it's like, but honestly, I just realized something. It never ends. You know, I was on, I was at Burbank, the Burbank airport and I I ran into Ornie Adams, and it just never ends. He keeps going, I keep going, everyone keeps going. I saw, I saw Mark Maron, it just never ends. You just keep going, you know? So, but I do have a bunch of new dates coming up here in the end, I filled up my second half of the year, you gotta look at all these dates, this is crazy.

I filled up the second half of the year. So, look at all these dates. This is crazy. I filled up the second half of the year. So after Miami, I go to Salt Lake, Utah. Salt Lake City, Utah. I messed it up already. Salt Lake City, Utah. And by the way, Salt Lake City, Utah, I will be there September 5th, but the S-L-U-T, that's the thing.

Salt Lake, Utah, which is slut. Change it. And that's okay. And I know that that's not something that I found out. I know that that's a thing. There are shirts with that. But yeah, I guess this was around before the term, Salt Lake City, Utah was around before the term

slut and then they found out later and they were like, it's too late to change the name of the city. So and state really they'd have to change. Well, they changed one. But anyway, and then Boise, there's so many I'm going to Pittsburgh. These, I didn't even know, I'm going to Washington DC, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Springfield, Missouri. Oh, I love Springfield, Missouri. You'd never think of that. You'd never think someone loves Springfield, Missouri, but I do.

Fort Smith, Arkansas. Dude, I gotta honestly, I'm going to Arkansas. You know what I realized the other day? I went to, not Arkansas, what was the, last year I went to, what was the the last year I went to? What's the other one? Alabama, dude. And I guess that might be the last time

I ever go to Alabama. There we go. It's not my market. So I, but yeah. So look at, I'm doing Waco. That's where they all committed. Oops, bleep that out three minutes and can't say that get demonetized.

Hamilton, Ontario, going back to Chicago, Illinois. People have been, been screaming for it. So here we go. Chicago, Illinois, Kansas city, Missouri. Oh, Kansas city. Cool. Uh, Omaha, Daytona beach, Florida. Look at that Cleveland, Detroit, Michigan, crystal.

Leah.com. A bunch of different dates. I'm happy to get back there. Where am I going in Detroit? The Masonic Cathedral Center, Masonic Cathedral Theater. Okay, cool. So go get tickets, crystalia.com. They're on sale Friday.

So I know this podcast comes out Thursday. You can probably get the, if you type in the code on Thursday, you can probably get the artist sale stuff, which is multiverse. Uh, so just type that in there. But anyway, regardless, hi, and thank you. And thank you for getting tickets to see me. I'm very grateful.

You know, I, you do this meet and greet thing sometimes where, well, no, I'm almost every show, uh, I sell like a hundred tickets for meet and greet. And, um, and it's fun. And I used to actually just, it's weird dude, reframing your mind can work because I've reframed my mind. I used to look at it as work. I'm like, oh man, I gotta get sick. I'm gonna meet all these people.

Someone's gonna slap, you know the person who says, hey, there's always a person that says, hey, what's up? And slaps you on the back too hard. Dude, I got a friend's brother who does that that smacks me on the back too hard every time I see him. And I just know he does it to everyone else. And I just want to be like, buddy, it's assault. It hurts so bad.

And I told my friend, and he laughed so hard. And I think he knows his brother does that. But it's absolutely too much. But anyway, so I've really, you know, I'm just so happy to, it's weird. Like I'm a very, I know I come off as like a, a jerk on this podcast sometimes, but I'm just so like grateful.

I used to think I, you know what it was? I used to think I, you know what it was? I used to think I didn't, that I wasn't worth anything. Yes, dude, the truth comes out, yes, dude. And now I feel like I'm worth something, yes, dude. Sad but true, yes. And now I believe people when they tell me that they like me, yes, dude.

Ha ha ha ha. Wow, he's got some serious issues, but it's all good. Come get tickets and it's all good. My special has been doing, we got a half a million views there. That's awesome in three weeks. I love you guys. I see your comments and it's beautiful. Enough said enough.

I'll tell you what though, we have been in this house now for eight months, okay? And we absolutely just got our clothes. Dude, we, I've had about nine outfits. I've been rotating, okay? My wife has had about three all right and now we've got our clothes we got our clothes because we I my house is on the market my other one and I just go you know what time to bring the clothes and we got him and man it feels good dude. You ever you ever go and look at your clothes and you go I got nothing to wear? Try not having

anything but like two outfits for nine months and then go look at four more outfits you have and dude I'm telling you just put on a collared shirt. I'm telling you right now just put on short put on carnation those carnation shorts that people only wear in Connecticut when their dads are lawyers. You know I'm talking about those puke green shorts that are the worst dude. Hey those those puke green shorts are the worst what are they called they're those those scream boat shoes and my dad's a lawyer hey dude do you have the shorts that you that that I can have now that my dad's passed the bar and we got a boat anyway yeah the carnation pink ones the you

know the ones that we have the. The ones where I've definitely used Rohypnol before. Anyway, we have a good time. But so we got our clothes and we put that my dude. My wife is like, she'll go like this. She'll be like, hey, you know, look, we all know. Men will have crazy grand ideas, like straight up. Men will just be like, one day, I'm gonna, I'm gonna launch a Honda Civic in outer space.

And that's just, a man can do that. One day, one day we're gonna walk on the moon is what the men said. And they go, okay. And Buzz Aldrin's like, well, you'll see, right? Okay. Before you know it, one small step, poor man. you know what one small step per man and then and then but but women will will will have a thing that they that have an idea that's too grand just just just too grand enough to actually do it and piss you off

hey you know what we should do if If you hear your wife say that, you're fucked. Okay. If you, Hey, you know what we should do, dude? Um, you know, you know, your day, it's over. Right? Okay. Cause you, you got it. You got it. You got to then tell her, okay? Okay, because you got it, you got it, you got to then tell her, okay, yes 100% or no, right? You don't say, here's what you don't do, because here's what we're gonna do. We should take Calvin's bed, put it on the floor in our bedroom,

and then take our mattress off and put that on the floor too, and make one big bed and all sleep together and I immediately think are you eight? What about my neck tomorrow? Right? What about how I'm gonna trip on stuff? Right? Now that that that is absolutely doable but that is something that is something a woman wants to do and just Thinks they can do it and they can now it's no

small step for a man a lot giant leap from mankind, but it's it's it's The men may a man will take his whole life to get there. A woman will say something that will take either one day to five weeks and just consume your fucking life about it. And you and your whole day, you know, you don't even know you're mad about it until one day you're just like, you know, cleaning the dishes and you're like, yeah, well, you know, maybe talk to me

earlier about it next time men like to go to the moon she wanted to fix up an old motorcycle you know and it's just well she had to we had to get the fucking stuff out of storage to go do a picnic because you want to make tricky fucking sandwiches you know that's all doable But the idea is too much in the space of annoyingness. OK, so we did it. OK, and and and we slept in it and. I'll tell you what, man. It was ripping.

Dude, we just had a full floor bed. But so that's the reason why we got our clothes and we got another bed for the old house and then. But yeah dude. We were all, they were rolling all over the bed. Man, when you sleep with your five year old or two year old. Oh my God, dude. I woke up with, so Calvin woke up and he stood this morning and he said, can I go down and see how it's on play?

And I said, sure. Kristen was already up. Billy, now it's me and Billy. Billy gets up, he's two, and he's just walking around the room. And I'm just like, what are you, like, it's like, is this a horror movie, dude? You know, just a toddler walking around the room,

the beds on the ground, we moved in, you know, we just moved in. Every horror movie is like at the family that just moved in. Yeah, it looks pretty nice. You know if that line is in it, it's a horror movie. Huh, huh, we'll take it. That's it. You're you're you are the somebody's getting their head lopped off, right? Or possessed. So, uh, so. So I'm just in bed and Billy's just walking around and then every now and then just looking at me like, like a fucking like a horror

movie. Okay. And I'm and I'm and I'm like asleep, but I don't have my glasses on. And then I look and I look to the side and Billy is just standing there looking at me. And I go, huh. In my head, in my sleep head, I'm like, everything all right. But then I go like this. And I go, close my eyes again again go to try to sleep a little more

sleep a little more wake up now I don't know if I slept for one second or nine years you know it was the thing that happens the blink that you do where you're like whoops that was a whole day and I look and Billy's still there looking at me and I go, I don't have my glasses on. So I'm like, what the fuck is this guy doing? Right, just being two. You know, a two year old can just, they just be sometimes, right? Like they don't go anywhere, they just stand around.

And then I go, again, it'll be all right. I can hear Calvin downstairs making noise. I'm like, he's still alive, you know, just the worst dad. I would get up, but I'm too tired. Hopefully Calvin isn't smashing his head in with a pan, with a frying pan, you know? Hopefully it's not too late and the house is burning down and I can't get out. You just hope for the best in those moments, you know, when you can't hear your kids.

And then I finally look at Billy and I go, let me put my glasses on because I got to see what he's doing because he's just looking at me. And I put my glasses on and this is what he's doing. because he's just looking at me. And I put my glasses on, and this is what he's doing. Looking at me, but going like this. Then I go, oh, he's furiously shitting, okay? And he was doing it for so long, and then he came over to me, and it was the worst smell.

And I go, God, I'm gonna have to change it. I'm so tired. Right? And I'm not complaining. I love my kids and I changed their diapers. But I'm like, I gotta do it. Or, cause he's just laying with me in bed. And I'm just like, God, it smells like fucking shit.

And now I'm like, this is how lazy I am. I'm like dude. Maybe I could just get a few more winks asleep Yeah, it smells like the inside of an egg on the inside of an anus, but I'm tired. You know what I mean? I fell asleep watching a movie last night I fell asleep watching a movie last night. So I go to take, I finally go to take him and this, this was the worst bathroom he's ever taken. And my God, anyway, that, that, you know, there's no like end or punchline of that story, except for the fact that I can't believe how lazy a man can be.

I'm just sleeping on my floor on two beds, my son with my son just shitting his brains out and me thinking, oh man I bet I'm good for five more minutes. Putrid, but I tell you man it's all it's beautiful it's all beautiful it's all beautiful. I'm done with here's what I'm done with and I made a little Instagram video about this. I'm done with... and I'll just touch on what I talked about in the video. But I'm done with people who have the light version of autism. Is life difficult for you? Okay, hey, life's difficult.

I'm not talking about the kid who, you know what I mean, who is banging his head against a tree. I went to school with that kid when I was growing up. That kid had problems, mostly in his face area, right? Cause he was banging his head against bark, okay? You know, I don't know why, but we all knew that he was autistic,, right? Cuz he was banging his head against bark, okay? I don't know why, but we all knew that he was autistic, all right? We all knew it, you know why? He's banging his head against a tree, okay?

And we go, wow, hopefully he's okay. He had it hard, everyone made fun of him, it sucked. It sucked for him. Hopefully he grew up and his face is in okay shape and he's nice, you know, maybe he's got a family, I don't know. But like every, every other day in the media, I see some hot chick like, hey, I was diagnosed with autism, that's what it's been.

That's what's up with me. That's why I don't like loud noises. The doctor told me I was diagnosed at 36. Hey dude, if you're diagnosed with autism at 36, you made it. You don't, dude, we don't care. And now look, yeah, well, actually, you know, people, because I see in my comment sections, they're like, oh, well, you know, it actually helped me with my life, and people do care, and I care, and this and that. And okay, fine, dude, hey, but like,

do you know how many, do you know how many female comedians now will just go on stage and be like, so my doctor told me I'm autistic. Hey, no no you're not you're you're you're who's your doctor who the fuck is your doctor ha let me see his diploma how little is the autism that you have because I went to school with kids who couldn't stop banging their heads against the trees and they would take their penis out in class who couldn't stop banging their heads against the trees and they would take their penis out in class.

Ah! So what, oh, you blink too much? Hey, you know, if you, here's the deal. If you can get pussy, it kinda, you know what I mean, levels it out, right? Like sure, Elon Musk has autism, but the guy's got 17 baby moms, so it's all good. If he can deal with it, look, and I don't mind him saying it,

he's saying it, he's autistic, and you know, he's a fucking weirdo, we can all tell, right? Just by his haircut alone, but like, you know, if's a fucking weirdo. We can all tell, right? Just by his haircut alone. But like, you know, if you're just a 38 year old woman that feels like, you know, there needs to be something, like it's like, it's like whatever ADHD was, like whatever the fuck that even is ADHD. Remember that was the one?

It was ADHD, you know, and then sometimes it's like, uh, you know, you'd hear, it's women in their thirties will be like, I'm bipolar. I don't know what the heck, it's women in their thirties. They'll be like, I'm bipolar. I don't know what the heck. It's so crazy. I never realized. And it's like, Oh, or they'll get into yoga, you know, or, or, or, or buy a camera and start taking pictures.

Like it's like, like, like film, you know? And it's like, dude, find a different way to deal with men. Not looking at you anymore. Yes. I said it! Dude, now I know it's a hot take, but you're not autistic just because you prefer beige food. I get fucked!

Lay horizontal. I mean, dude, it's so insane. How many? How many? And guys, I guess they do it, but what women are, it's like, dude, it's this whole, well, how else do people fucking, are they, will people pay attention and look at me? Oh, because you're not. people fucking are there will people pay attention and look at me oh because because you're not it's like a it's like a it's like a woman who gets her her fig

boobs out and then all of a sudden she's like what the fuck okay I'm autistic how about that that's always been the thing no be interesting you don't get to fucking just say you're you're fashionably You fashionably have the the problem that this kid who keeps taking his penis out in fifth grade That has to keep going to the principal's office because the kid can't help it oh No, but you just you know It's so wacky. It's so whack, dude. Just, just, and I'm not even saying it's not, it is a spectrum. It is a spectrum. I only care if it's over here. If you're here, deal with it. If you're here, go to work. If you're here, get horizontal. If you're here, deal with it. If you're here, go to work.

If you're here, get horizontal. If you're here, you know what you can do? Anything else anyone over here can do, okay? This guy can't. He keeps taking his penis out in fourth grade. Cut! It's so unbelievable. Dude, I just, you know, it's always the biggest problem in the world is the two things.

The women who say the things and then the men who let them just get away with it because they want some plus. Yes, he said it! Dude, it's just, you know, oh, it's I need to make buttons for when chicks say they're autistic that go like this. Stop the cow. Dude, it's just enraging. I can't, you know what makes me wanna do?

Be straight up. That's the other thing. If you're like 50 and you find out you're autistic, that doesn't matter. You're gonna die soon. You did life. soon you did life. It's also okay to just be white.

You know what I mean? You don't have to be something. You can just be pure wise. I don't, you know, it's like everyone wants to have a struggle and shit. Everyone wants to have a, you know, well, the thing is, is that I, you know, that's why you that there's always the dudes that the what, you know, I grew up actually really I grew up in it, dude. Oh, you grew up. Oh, you grew up in a bad neighborhood. Hey, dude Fuck you Hook oh, oh, yeah when in the past. Oh wow Go to work You grew up in a bad, it's always some fucking, you know what I mean, some five foot nine.

Just white dude with like two big baggy shorts. There's like, cuz I grew up, you know how I grew up, man. I grew up in it was a dude. All right. I just, everyone everyone needs feels like they need to have a struggle you don't you don't and and and everyone struggles and shut the fuck up about it or or or it's all it's fine to talk about it you know but it's like this whole I don't know man

If you haven't turned his pockets off yet, it's just I'm just bitching and moaning and you know, you know people are gonna be like fuck delia He's privileged and he's white but like dude shut Dude God dude These people are all gonna die and then they're gonna get up to heaven even though it doesn't exist and they're gonna be like, hey, hey God. And God's gonna be like, yeah, I don't know, get in or something. It's all good, just get in, there's a party,

you can get your dick sucked or you're fucking clam eaten. But what about how this is the afterlife? Yeah, it's awesome, go, go, go. You're not autistic, go's awesome. Go. Go, go. You're not autistic. Go, go over there. There's, there's, there's queso and you can, and there's a bunch of fucking, you know, you can get drunk as shit over there in the grotto. It's basically the Playboy Mansion. But that's creepy. Tell me more about that.

Um, I'm just done with it, dude. I'm done with it, and I'm free, dude. You ever feel like you're free? You ever feel like you're free? I'll s... I... I-I-I've given birth to myself again. Do you understand? It's not... It's not... And you should too. You should too. This is a cult.

You're allowed to give birth to yourself again. And, and, I'm not talking about rebirth. Fuck that, dude. I'm talking about, oh, you were born against your consent. That's bullshit. I didn't ask to be here. Oh, I'm here though. So now now i choose to be born now no no no no no no no no no i'm 45 i choose to be born now okay my parents decided to or just happened to fall in love and now i'm here I didn't have anything to say about this so now now I'm choosing to be born okay period that's what we do in this cult yeah you know I'm probably autistic but it's just you know it's, at least I made a fucking career out of it, I guess. Of course it's a spectrum. Everything's a spectrum.

I am, I am really glad I took that magic mind. It really put me on all cylinders. But yeah, so it you know, Hey, Kanye West. Sup? Hey, Kanye West. What? What's going on? He made a song called like I sucked my cousin's dick or something. S-

Bach is rolling over in his grave. like I sucked my cousin's dick or something. Ah, sir. Bach is rolling over in his grave. You know, you ever think about the old musicians? I'm not Bach, you know, I don't give a fuck. The music keeps going, so it's just gonna keep, but it's like, you ever think about like a person who makes real poetic music way back, like before we were all alive, listening to... You're such a fucking her, I love it.

You know? Just, would they die on hearing that? Well, I said, what is that? What is that? Enough of me. Just Beethoven, death is shit with the fucking metal rod in his mouth so he can feel the music just working so hard, making beautiful sonatas.

And then Kanye comes along, you're such a fucking hoe, I love it. Beethoven, stop, takes a metal rod out of his mouth so he can stop feeling the music. That's enough for me. He's deaf, I don't know how he sounded but. And that's what they say, that he used to have the metal rod in his mouth to feel the vibrations of the notes he was playing. Probably sounds like some day. Who is it fucking Beethoven or daredevil?

Why didn't daredevil make good music that maybe just enough to count talent he didn't have the talent you know God But yeah Kanye wrote a tweet. Let's just read it here. This song is called cousin about my cousin that's locked in jail for life for killing a pregnant lady. A few years after I told him we wouldn't look at dirty magazines together anymore. Okay.

That's a crazy thing to say. First of all, it gets worse. Also, it gets worse. Also, that sounds like a deep thought from Jack Handy. Remember those things that started out live? That thing was like, why do we laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we don't laugh at a man carrying a clown outfit in a plastic dry cleaning bag?

Deep thoughts. Anyway, so he says this, and then he says, perhaps in my self centered mess, I was, I felt it was my fault. It was my fault that I showed him those dirty magazines when he was six and then we acted out what we saw. Okay. Then it says, my dad had Playboy magazines, but the magazines I found in the top of my mom's closet were different. Then he says, my name is Ye and I sucked my cousin's dick till I was 14. Dude, hey, uh, make music. Make clothes. The internet, it just everyone has a voice and remember when that was not the case? I do. I'm 45, maybe you don't. You know, my kids are gonna grow up and they're gonna be somebody who never knew that people didn't, I mean, you know, unless the fucking apocalypse happens and then we all lose our iPhones or whatever.

But like. Wow, you know, the Nazi stuff, you were like, OK. How is how is Kanye going to top this? I think he's going to like saw he'll like saw his arm off and then be like look it is just crazy. It's so, if you got that many yes men around you, you gotta stop, you gotta just, I mean dude, you thank God for the people in my life that say shut the fuck up, you know know thank God for those people you can't even say so deeper to this Kanye tweet because it's just basically

what it is on its face so one of our favorite days it's one of our favorite days. It's one of our favorite periods of time. We're honoring Jesus Christ, and we're going to honor Jesus Christ very powerfully. Dude, he says it like it's like Carson Daly, you know? All throughout our lives, all throughout our lives. Not just now, all throughout our lives. just now all throughout our lives we're bringing religion back in America we're bringing a lot of things back but oh watered it down immediately we're bringing religion back we're bringing a

lot of things back but dank dank dank dank dank dank dank dank we bring Thank, thank, thank, thank, thank, thank, thank, thank, thank, we bring religion back. Remember that guy in that song? I'm bringing sexy back. Yeah. Remember that guy in the back? Will Ferrell. I'm bringing sexy back. Yeah.

The guy was late to the studio just showed up, ran in the theater. I'm not gonna miss it, dude. I promise you, I will not, start it. I will not miss my vocals. All right, we're starting right now. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, Religion is coming back to America. That's why you see the kind of numbers that you're seeing the spirit and the kind of numbers that you're seeing. So what? What? The kind of numbers that you're seeing? Is that what he said? I don't even. That's awesome. It's awesome. It's it's just he's standing there with a fucking guy dressed as a bunny.

Is this South Park? Dude, my son Calvin, anytime there's a holiday, I'll ask him what his favorite holiday is, and he'll say whatever holiday it is, you know? Like Easter was... It was Easter, and he was just like... He was like, I love Easter. I was like, yeah? What's your favorite holiday and he said Easter and I'm like oh yeah how come he said just cuz of the candy and toys and stuff and like the bunnies I said oh yeah that's your favorite holiday and he said yeah I, what about Christmas? And he said, oh, yeah, I like Christmas too.

I said, yeah, like you like Easter the best though? And he says, yeah, I mean, I like Easter and Christmas though. I said, yeah, yeah. What about Halloween? Oh, I love Halloween. Yeah. You like Christmas and Easter better than Halloween? I like Halloween too. All the candy, you know? And then I'm like, okay, what about your birthday? And he goes, oh, I love birthdays. And then I'm like, yeah. And I keep going. I'm like, what about St. Patrick's Day? And he's like, yeah, it's kind of alright. And I'm like, that'm like, what about St. Patrick's Day? And he's like, yeah, it's kind of all right. And I'm like, that's how everyone feels about it. It's kind of all right.

I said, what about April Fools? Do you even know what that is? And he says, that's a funny one, right? I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, it's just so funny, man. It's so funny that having that day and being in that day, you cannot see past that day. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! That you're like, this is my favorite day.

See ya. Hey, Chris, Oh, Christmas? Fuck Christmas. Like that's how you. We're having a lot of, we're bringing a lot of things back. Yeah. What's the thing he said the other day, dude, this is so good.

Right here. America grande, ultra best. Dude, that is so it says it says Rachel teaches Trump how to say MAGA in Spanish. America grande otra vez. The breathiness. Otra vez. Otra. You ever tried out you try even try fraud okra before? That guy, that

guy fucking, when I was a kid, that guy said that to me once and I think of it sometimes, so fuck you. I'll think about it whenever I want, I don't give a shit. I thought about it then. Oh, congrats to my boy Colton for getting into UCLA law fours up whatever it means but Sup my babies be in the hip hop Head that I am I love to discover new talent and allow them to use my platform for their benefit Wow with that said go check out logic kill he's dope AF

Stay in lines by Lucky Lex, the freight rhyme, the freight rhyme, ride smooth with heavy bars. Jesus Christ. Each scene moves, every word lands, pure MCing in motion. Stream stay in lines by Lucky Lex everywhere. And that is a holler. Go to holler.com, sorry, holler.baby slash crystalia if you want to purchase a shout out go to holler.com. I'm sorry holler.baby Crystalia if you want to purchase a shout out or mini ad on this podcast, dude, you guys write this shit, you know

Smooth pure MC and like it was one of those Do you remember those? Oh god, dude. Do you remember those? I know we've talked about him sometimes but remember the the infomercials that would have like Peebo Bryce and on them and shit. God, uh, uh, mute, like they used to sell songs, you know? Huh? You just listen to those. What? Uh, uh, music. What would you call it infomercials infomercial yeah 90s oh man I guess we can't play it because we'll get dinged but do it wow people Bryson people Bryson there it is fucking hell yeah dude look at him the first Nate dog oh he's oh shit this guy was the shit he sang a whole new world oh dude that's him a whole new world nobody knows the next part a million crashing sounds alike come on, we need the infomercial shits. Oh, new

world, a whole new world. Do my son likes that song that goes, hey, why are you always saying not hey, what is the y g? Is it hey, why are you always saying? Why you always saying? What the fuck does it go? With Drake and why you always saying? Why you always saying? No, why you always saying? Please, please tell me why you always saying? There we go. Got it. Yes. Did it. Please, please tell me why you always saying? Please tell me why you always hating. Did he was doing that the other day over and over again? And I was like, what is he saying? And finally I figured out he was singing YJ thugging.

He's from a really rough neighborhood, you know? Yeah, I don't know. Anyway, people probably say, where's the infomercial? Infomercial... Let me just type in infomercial. God, they were great, weren't they? Look at these 90s infomercials. Well, they were only, I mean, I guess they're now too, but in the 90s, they were just fantastic. ......um... Okay, Martin, let's try one. Remember, big.

You got it. The Ford It's a Big Deal event is on. How's that? Uh, a little bigger? Ahem. The Ford It's a Big Deal event. Nice. Now the offer? Lease a 2025 Escape Active All-Wheel Drive from 198 bi-weekly at 1.99% APR for 36 months with 2755 down. Wow, that's like $99 a week.

Yeah, it's a big deal. The Ford it's a big deal event. Visit your Toronto area Ford store or Ford.ca today. From early morning workouts that need a boost to late night drives that need vibes, a good playlist can help you make the most out of your everyday. And when it comes to everyday spending, you can count on the PC Insider's World Elite MasterCard to help you earn the most PC optimum points everywhere you shop.

With the best playlists, you never miss a good song. With this card, you never miss out on getting the most points on everyday purchases. The PC Insider's World Elite MasterCard, the card for living unlimited. Conditions apply to all benefits. Visit pcfinancial.ca for details. God, dude, you just see like a closeup of a turkey, you know? And it'd be like, you can cook this.

Oh, oh, we gotta play this one. Take the work out of your workout. No, this isn't real. Come on, come on. The Hawaii chair wasn't designed. Come on. Come on. The Hawaii chair. Oh, the dude. The Hawaii chair. I gotta see what's up here with this Hawaii chair. What does it do? Imagine you got fucking bludgeoned to death with that song playing in a fucking bar bathroom

Just out of your workout Just dying the hawaii chair wasn't designed just for home. I mean, after all, for some of us- Dude, it just fucking rotates your, ha ha! Dude, it just rotates your midsection. You sit on it and it moves like this, in a 360 degree. And you just- 40 hours of our week is spent sitting behind a desk at the office. So to see what office workers think of the Hawaii chair, we sent Aaron Lee to work.

They're just throwing up. I have motion sickness and they look so I was sitting on a dildo very busy work environment. Sitting on a dildo, a Sibian. My gosh, this is amazing. My abs. Your abs, bro. Hawaii chair while answering phones using the computer.

I mean, given us suggestions couldn't grab the things she was trying to grab the files and she was like, Just getting wet. Bro, if I had the Hawaii chair, I would be rock hard all day in my cubicle. You can hardly call this work with the Hawaii chair. I mean, I'm coming constantly. Dude, this is hilarious. The Hawaii chair, dude. Oh, my God. Here, I'll put on the thing.

Oh, wow. This is a gem. I never saw this. It takes the work out of your workday. If you can sit, you can get fit. The Hawaii chair. Getting bludgeoned to death. In the back of a fucking Barney's Beannery. Just getting fucking knead in the mouth.

Well, then the last thing you see is the door opens up and you see another guy talking to the girl that you were talking to for an hour and a half and you die. Ha ha ha! Dude! That's what you see right there. Ah fuck, I thought I was gonna get laid. The Hawaii chair. Eh? Such stupid lyrics.

Hawaii chair, dude. Dude, why do they make this fucking shit? Why don't they just make stuff? Dude, why didn't they just make good shit? I guess there has to be bad shit so good shit will exist so we'll know what the good shit is right? Oh man. Dude. This is crazy. I saw this. I don't even know what to say here. Okay. Why are they? There's so much weirdness about this clip.

Okay. Witnesses are recounting the mayhem that unfolded on the Sunshine Coast. Two sisters have told how their mother and a man raced to help when the carjacked SUV rolled on Steve Irwin Way. Eh? Australian. Only to find the gun-wielding car thief emerging from the wreck. Witnesses are recounting some of the drama that unfolded on the Sunshine Coast this afternoon.

Two sisters have told how their mother and man raced to help when the car jumped SUV rolled on Steve Irwin way only to find the gun-wielding car thief emerging from the wreck here's some of what they had to say I can't imagine okay they're both dressed the same which is crazy to be 50 and dressed like your sister or brother but that's dope but they're twins okay? You know? Hey are you one person or two people? Dude how do you do that? You can do that kind of when you're like eight to another eight year old, but you fuck it up way more than this. These people have been on their shit since they were kids and twins and just connected. All right,

we're going to do the thing, right? When they ask us about the thing, we're going to say, we didn't script it, but we're going to feel each other. We're going to do things like, you know, we've, we've practiced for this. We've trained for this, right? Here we go. And then remember what he said, stop, I have a gun. Say it.

Mum, where's mum? And poor, poor mum was stuck up there, but apparently our brave mum, she goes goes are you all right because he had all blood all over his face i mean dude i i you if i was doing this with my brother there would be such an argument afterwards i'd be like dude what are you doing let me fucking say it or you just say it are they do they have some sort of like, well they're psychic so that's all good. You know you see stuff like this and you're like oh you know it could be a magic trick like you know David Blaine like you watch David Blaine and you're like oh well he didn't obviously

he obviously didn't put hammer and nail into his eyeball so something is going on but you saw that so you're like I guess I'm too stupid to realize this could be a trick but Mom distracted him to make him look the other way. And he looked the other way and mom ran into the bush. Dude, let me actually ask the most important question. Why are they doing this? Why are they both doing this? This is a harrowing thing that happened, that they saw. Why are they showing you the shit they do in a traumatic moment? Just have one person, I'll handle it. I'll handle it. You don't have

to do it because you know you do the fucking annoying thing right? Well you repeat everything I say right when I say it. It's unbelievable it is. But right now for this news interview it's going to be super weird right because we almost saw a guy shoot somebody. So let me just. Then fence and then I go to her. I'll find you and I'll shoot you. All I was thinking about when we were running, I hope he doesn't. They're even doing the stutterings.

I, yeah, we were so blessed. How close to him do you think you were? stuttering. Sire. Yeah, we were so blessed. How close to him do you think you were? Well, see, he was up there and we were past our driveways. See, when you drive away, you don't think of all of that at the time. You just run for your life. Oh, they're fucked up at the end there. We said we were going to say for your life.

You said safety. It's fine. It's just we said it. So now they know the the Jiggies app. Dude, what is that? Man, you know when like you're a kid and you're like, oh dude, I want I wish I was a twin. You know kids are when they're nine and they're just like it would be so... I remember thinking when I was a kid, it would be so fucking dope if I had another me here and his name was like, Tim. And we would do so many pranks and laugh so fucking hard. Okay. And then you get to be like 25 or something and you remember, like I remembered thinking, wow, that would have sucked.

Hey, being a twin, I'm sure twins love their twin. That's not what I'm saying. But dude, that's gotta be, you know what? Congratulations to these twins because they're owning it. Oh, well twins, right? Well, I didn't consent to be born. Certainly didn't consent to be a twin. So now you're going to be fucking, you're going to be spooked out be fucking you're gonna be spooked out you're gonna be spooked out all right we're gonna say the same

shit we're gonna wear the same thing we're gonna do until we're 55 all right you're here to give us that that's that these are my favorite twins period and I'm sorry to the Judas brothers when I was in school younger they were cool too but these are my favorite twins. Wow. I remember one time when I was in elementary school and I saw, I knew a guy and he was sitting near the table at the same table as me and I knew him

and he was like almost a friend. And then I saw him walk in again and I was dude I was so confused because I knew about twins already but I was like what because I already knew the guy how did I not know he had twins how did I not see them together we were at the same school dude I was blown away I will never forget that moment it was so weird I forgot how to talk. I was like, what? Oh, dude, you have a twin? And he was like, yeah, dude, I was in seventh or eighth grade, maybe. I love when they fuck it up at the end here.

Oh, they're so mad. And then one clincher jump. Run for your safety. Oh, they're so mad. You just run for your safety. Mm-hmm. And then they want to clinch or jump. Mm-hmm. I am, I don't know about this whole, bro, there's triplets, you know? God, there's fucking quadruplets. What's the most, aren't there like,

what's the most, most amount of twins, what do you call them? Not twins. Born at once. I think that's probably, that'll show up. The largest record number of babies born in pregnancy. Fif, 15, dude? Oh my God, and a lot of them are still alive, because it was in 1971.

Oh, dude, it was in Rome. That makes sense. It was a horror movie. For sure. They did it in a church, you know? They didn't know it came early, and just 15 people kept walking out of the ladies pussy oh it's another one what the fuck who do you been fucking Who do you been fucking? That's a doctor. What? This is surely this has to be the last one.

I look at you Tommy is big but it cannot be past seven. There is no way. Holy shit another one. Eight. This is eight. You better have a lot of names you like. That's probably it. Okay, let's wrap up.

Oh, there's another one, nine. That's unbelievable. You better start naming them names you don't like too. Hold on a second. Push on her tummy. This is a 10. They just keep walking out of a a pussy who's she been fucking? 35 year old woman to just dude. She just saved him up

She was pregnant for since she was 20 and she just kept saving him up and getting rid of him at when when I am 35 I'm gonna to let there's I have them in me. When I'm 35, I'm going to have this... however many, I like to lay down with men. Whenever I am 35, I will release all of them. They just look different and shit? Different races? That's crazy. Twins are common. They're current about one of 80 pregnancies. Crazy. Twins are common. They occur in about one of 80 pregnancies.

Wow. Oh my God, if I had twins. I remember being so scared. Not, you know, scared is the wrong word, but like stressed, to be like, oh my God, am I gonna have twins? Fuck. That would be, that's a whole thing.

I mean your whole life is just complete. It's different after babies twins. Oh my God, look at this South African woman gives birth to 10 babies in Pretoria. So this is in 2021. Wow. Wow, they're just fucking four. Ten of the strangest pregnancies in the world. Most babies born to one mother to the shortest baby brought to term. Oh God. 1987, Anna Bates gave birth to the longest baby ever recorded.

The longest baby? I fucking imagine you're the longest baby. And then you're not even that tall when you get older, right? Cause that's what happens. The fucking... It's like all how Mexicans are so big when they're little, you know, and then they're not the tallest race. Everybody, when you have a kid and you go and they're like, all the people in like the 90th percentile above is all, they're all Mexican.

A woman who lived during the 18th century is known as the first wife of Fyodor Vasiliev, I don't know, a peasant from Shuyar, Russia, gave birth to 69 babies in her lifetime. Come on. Oh, come on, dude. Oh my God. No. Okay. So, however, she didn't go into labor 69 times as she gave birth to 16 pairs of twins.

That's too many. Seven sets of triplets. Dude, this lady. Holy shit. She's responsible for Russia. Wait a minute. Come on. She didn't go into labor. So she gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, seven sets of triplets, and four sets of quadruplets. Oh my God, dude. And then her husband remarried and had 18 more children with his second wife. This dude, it was the guy.

Again, I don't want to have to, you know, sorry ladies, but it was obviously the dude's Dilsnick. There's no way to verify he fathered them all. He least fathered a lot of them. Yeah, but in Russia they be cheating though for real. They don't give a fuck. They don't even count it as cheating. In Russia they go dick slipped.

I don't know. Dick slipped. I thought it was wife. You know, that is not cheating because dick slipped. It is not cheating because I thought it was my wife. Lights were down low. I had a bunch of, I had a Snickers bar beforehand, so all bets are off.

It wasn't cheating. Da da and then they all go they go da da and even women go da da da da. It's not cheating. His dick slipped and he hit Snickers. Da da da da da da. Da, da, da. It don't like how high were the lights? They were dim. Da. Sneakers. So here we have sneakers, dick slipped and light was low.

Not cheating, obviously. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, just so many people in the room. Da, da, all the kids, the 18th quadruplet. Da, da, da, da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da Crazy. Dude, let me tell you, you know how stupid it is in superhero movies? That this is so stupid. They have to change how Spider-Man was made or the Hulk. It's so dumb when a fucking animal or an insect bites you and then you become that. That's so dumb.

Hey, dude, we're 50. You know what I mean? Spider-Man came out in like 1920 when nobody, when everyone was an idiot. When they were just like, oh yeah okay so a spider bit him. Nice, that's nice. All right. Women shouldn't vote. Yeah you fucking dames. You're made for braiding. vote? Yeah, you fucking dames. You're made for BREEDIN'. Anyway. Hey, yeah, that's what happened. He got in a gamma ray machine and then he became big and green and strong. Yeah, that's right, lady, make me a fucking sandwich. And don't fuck it up like last time yeah you're made for breeding and making sandwiches bitch like that we're all like you can't make a movie where a guy fucking falls into a vat now and he's like now he's acid head or whatever that only works in the 30s At least Superman came from a different planet, you know?

Just make them all come from a different planet. Make Spider-Man now come from a different... I know the whole thing is he's a regular guy and you got... But it's so stupid when you're watching a Marvel movie or a DC movie and it's like, oh dude, he was held underwater too long and instead of dying now he's water guy. Eh, so lazy. That only works back when you're, did you make a roast, bitch? I'm a good dad, I worked eight hours. What do you mean I'm not a good dad?

I went to work all day! I ignore my kid. Miss Breeds a lot? What the fuck? Keep your trap shut. Um... God damn it. Anyway, put on that song I like. I like Toast and Jerry. I like Toast and Jam. Hell yeah. Now this is real music. Turn it louder, bitch. And make pasta from scratch. Better be done in 20. I like Toast and Jerry.

How ass bitch. I'm a rapper. I like Roussie Danny! How ass bitch? I'm a rapper! Um... Miss Breeds a lot. That's this rushing... Da... Dick slipped into Miss Breeds a lot. Uh, alright dude, I don't know. I'm having a good time.

But thank you. Oh, get tickets. Crystal Leah dot com. Type in the code multiverse. Or if you're listening to this past Friday, Friday from Friday on, you just go get tickets. It's on sale. I have so I mean, I'm coming everywhere. Paul, but you know what I mean?

Thank you very much. Crystal Leah dot com and set up the the patreon.com slash chrisalee.