Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 440. I Soak

Episode Date: May 1, 2025

Get a shoutout on Congratulations: ⁠holler.baby/chrisdelia⁠ 🎤 MY SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is now available to watch on YouTube: ⁠WATCH⁠ 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: ⁠patreon.com/chrisdelia⁠ - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. This week we've got trouble in Waco, childhood therapy, and Super Soakers. Plus Chris tries to explain how he doesn't understand stuff. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram, X, and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: ⁠instagram.com/chrisdelia⁠ 🕺 TikTok: ⁠tiktok.com/@chrisdelia⁠ 🎮 Twitch: ⁠twitch.tv/chrisdelialive⁠ 𝕏 X: ⁠x.com/chrisdelia⁠ 👤 Facebook: ⁠facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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It is episode 440 and that's it. I realize that I wear shorts in this podcast sometimes and I simply don't like the fact that you can sometimes see my knees. I have fine knees, they're okay, but my whole from knee down, I'm basically like a really, I'm like a, you know, you remember you ever see like, sometimes you see like a black guy's shins and you're like, whoa, real thin for what I thought. That's what I'm like.

So there we go. Like, you know, but so, but, but very, very, very athletic, but not athletic. So I'm not athletic, so I'm cool. I look like an athletic, like I have an athletic knee down athletic black guy shins. So there we go. And that means it means something and it's okay.

You know, it is what it is, but I am, yeah. So I am, this is episode 440. Isn't that great, man? I like doing this podcast. I started thinking about like, um, all the guys who do podcasts and how they have like guests, like other comedians too, you know,

or they have like two guys, two comedians. And I'm like, that's cool. And then I think of how much I, I, I, I don't, I don't want to have guests. Cause I see like, I see other guys that have like, you know, like now Theo has, uh, Zuckerberg and stuff. And, and, uh, I just, what do you, what do you ask them? What do you ask them? Like I, I'm not, I'm not, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm not in, I'm, I'm not interested, you know? And that sucks for me.

It's not, you know, I remember I was talking to somebody, they're like, why don't you have guests? And I was like, I don't want them to be coming to where I am. I don't want to have to think about interviewing them. It's just, what about if I don't like them? You know? What if they're like, yeah, well, what if somebody's like,

oh, you know, the singer from Yada Yada is a fan, they wanna do the show, and I'm just like, oh, I don't care. And I don't think I'm, what do you call it? Not shooting myself in the foot. I don't think I'm self-sabotaging. Because I understand it's way harder to build a podcast if it's just you talking. Um, but I just don't, I don't know, man. And some, that's not to say I would, I would like to have conversations

with some people, but it's just, I don't know. It's what I was thinking about, but anyway, my knees show on the podcast sometimes and that's a huge problem. So that's what I'm thinking about more, uh, than guests on the podcast. But I will say though that I will be in New York this Friday. And then Boston, I think Boston is sold out, but Boston is May 3rd, Savannah, Georgia, May 9th, May 10th, Atlanta, Georgia. Then I got Winnipeg, Regina, that's his area, Saskatoon. A bunch of different dates.

I put up a bunch of cool dates too. I'm going to Waco, chrislea.com, trying to get this cult, the Branch Davidians back going. Dude, I just saw the thing on Netflix, the Waco guy, the David Koresh or whatever. Oh my gosh. And I'm just like, I don't know, dude. I mean, if the ATF shot first,

or if they were out there going like, pretending like there were gunshots, and then, I don't know, dude. I mean, look, probably what was going on in there was nefarious and not good anyway, you know? I know that they had illegal guns, so okay there. And they were doing some, you know, they had like 17 wives and that's not good.

And they were doing some, you know, they had like 17 wives and that's not good. But, you know, if the F, if the ATF shot first, that's all I'm saying, dude. And then so, and then because of that, the Oklahoma bombing happened. So that's correct. That's absolutely, that's absolutely, that's absolutely terrible. That's absolutely terrible. I'm gonna be in Syracuse for some reason. But I, I, I, it's, it's, it's hot here now. And I was just in, where the heck, you know what, dude?

I, my memory, I need to take more Magic Mind, which I take my Magic Mind every day. And I love Magic Mind, but I, there was there was a oh I was watching a movie last night okay and it was called it's called four but it's it's this is this is how I gangster I am okay this movie it says new movie that came out locked starring Anthony Hopkins and the guy who plays Pennywise okay is it the Sarsgaard guy? Whenever I don't know a guy's name and he's white, his last name is Sarsgaard. And so, so I go to the page,

because I go, this looks like it might be up my alley. It's got a poster where it looks like they're in trouble and the car is superimposed on it and it's it's an awful name locked but you know um and so uh i go maybe let me click on this i like anthony hopkins you know and then i go and click on it and under it i always look under it dude are you like me do you look under it? You know what I'm saying? Are you like, what else is like this? Because maybe, just maybe, this isn't the movie

that I actually wanna see, maybe the movie that I actually wanna see is under it, right? So I look under it and there's a movie called Four by Four and I go click on that and it's the same movie only it was made in like Mexico or so I don't know it was Spanish speaking so I go okay well this was made in 2019 hey Hollywood hey kiss my ass I'm gonna watch the Buenos Aires version or whatever it is right I don't know Colombia I have no idea Cuba I don't know. I don't know where they made the movie but they spoke Spanish. I'm gonna watch the Buenos Aires version, whatever

it is. And so I turn it on, okay? I turn it on and I watch the movie and the movie it's gotten a lot of good reviews. The movie is fine but there there's a part of the, I'm not going to spoil it. You know, watch a movie if you want, whatever, but there's a part at the end. And this has nothing. I'm not talking about the movie. I'm talking about me here. Okay. There's a part of the movie where the, this negotiator shows up and tries to negotiate by the way, I bet every guy thinks that he would be a good negotiator. Like,

like in the, in the, like I was watching the wake guys and they had the, would be a good negotiator. Like I was watching the Waco guys, and they had the negotiation team and the guy. And then they had the other. They have basically when they did Waco, I'm going back and forth there. But when they had the Waco guys, they brought in the big muscle guys to go save the day and the negotiators.

And the negotiators were like, we got this. Don't go in gun displays. And, and the other guys were like, well, actually, we just want to save the women and children and shoot everybody. So David Koresh was like, Hey negotiators, your guys are encroaching. And the negotiators are like, well, those are not our guys. They have a different agenda than us, but please just listen. I kind of understand, you know,

why 80 people died. But so, anyway, so I'm looking at the show, the Negotiator, I've been watching a lot of negotiating stuff, I guess. So I'm watching the show, the movie, and the negotiator's telling, you know, they have that thing where, there's always the part in the movie where the guy's just like Tells a story and does a monologue, you know, it's usually like Al Pacino, right?

Like it'll he'll just be like I used to play tennis You know when I was a little boy and and you're like this is this is the movie about the mafia I had a nice racket. Yeah, that was about all I had didn't have talent every summer. I would try but always get me Anyway, you're whacked bang, you know, and you're like, it didn't really make sense. But so this negotiator starts telling a story to the, the, the criminal. Okay. And he starts telling a story about a kid and then it ends up that he was the kid. All right.

You know, it's been done before a million times. Okay. I listened to the story and I go, man, this story rips. And then I go, how did I, how did the story start? And I can't remember, okay? I can't remember and it happened one, it happened one minute before that. And the rest of the movie, all I'm doing is wondering

what the beginning of that story was. And I still don't know. Dude and so and it's really bothering me and guess what I'm not doing? Guess what I'm not doing my mind? I'm not going back and watching the movie because you're my mind and you'll figure it out and you're not making me go back and watch the movie again. I really wanna know. I'll ask Chad Chibuti maybe, but my mind is my mind and it should just be, I should just know, you know?

It really bothers me when someone's telling you a story and you forget the beginning of it. God, that is stupid. Come on, magic mind. So, anyway, the reason why I started talking about this is I can't remember the stories because I can't even remember where I was yesterday. Dude, where honestly I flew in from where? Where did I fly in from? Denver remembered.

Yes, dude. Nothing gets by me except for the beginning of that story in that movie, Four by Four. I was in Denver and let me just tell you something when you realize. So I went to Casper, Wyoming. Where is it? And then I went to Cheyenne, Wyoming. Where is it? And then I went to Denver. Okay. Now Denver is an hour away from Cheyenne. So Cheyenne just be Denver, right? Okay. I know you're in a different state, but just have a city that spans over more than one state. Have it go over the borderline, all right? Cause it's, just make it really big.

If it's an hour, Cheyenne is the capital of Wyoming, and then Denver's an hour south. Just make Colorado all of it, all right? So I did Casper, Wyoming Wyoming where is it and then I did Cheyenne okay and those places are like kind of bumfuck especially Casper the shows were great right but especially Casper this is a bumfuck right why was I there and so then I get to Denver and I realized something Denver is a city okay and that's not what I realized I knew to Denver and I realize something. Denver is a city, okay?

And that's not what I realized. I knew that. Denver is a city and I'm walking around and I'm looking for like a coffee. And I see like a guy with too many clothes on and maybe he's homeless, you know what I'm saying? And then I see some people who run by, you know, they're working out, I guess jogging, you know?

And then I see some workers coming off of the back of a van and it's doop, doop, doop. And I realize that I'm changing, okay? I don't wanna be in cities anymore. I'm officially at the age where get me the fuck away from all these people. Like, yes, dude! I just, it's like, I don't want,

you know where I wanna be? A place where there's less gum on the walls, right? Like, I just... It's gonna be stinky. Someone's gonna come up and talk to me. Look, not even... I don't even mean because they might be a fan. They might just come up and talk to me because they're there and I'm there.

And I don't want that. And if it's in the city, it's gonna be way less pleasant than when it's gonna be in Cheyenne or Casper, because the people in Cas it's gonna be in Cheyenne or Casper because the people in Casper are gonna be like, oh, you know, you want the shirt off my back? Hey, everyone, spread out. It's nice as shit. And I get it when you're 19, 20, 21, or if you're sad and you're 50, you might want to

be in a city because you're chasing something. But if you're 45 or 40 or or something like that Dude, stop chasing move to the burbs Just fucking get a nice block radius that you hang out in and I realize that that's what I've been doing in the cities Anyway, when I was there, I wasn't really going anywhere. I was just living on top of people in buildings Having so many conversations that I didn't wanna have because someone was there wearing too many clothes. And Denver isn't even a city like that.

I have to go to New York on Friday and then Boston on Saturday. I can't imagine how many conversations I'm gonna have to have, dude. Yeah, yeah, right, right, yeah. That's me in Boston. Uh-huh, yeah, yeah. Right, that's me in a city. Dude, how much is that you in a city? Uh-huh,

right, okay, uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh, yeah. The more people around, the more you're agreeing with people. Uh-huh, Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh, yeah. The more people are on, the more you're agreeing with people. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And you're not. You're just saying shit. Crazy, dude. Uh-huh. Look, look what I got. This fucking... Hell yeah, dude. I do magic. Well, that's for the video. That's for the YouTubes, dude. That's for the YouTubes. But it's a zipline thing that's for the video. That's for the YouTube's tube. That's for the YouTube's.

But it's a zipline thing that I'm, it's whatever. Sorry if you're audio, but it's, you know, it's fine. You didn't miss a thing really, but that's for the YouTube people who watch. So yeah, I just, I can't bet these cities. It's just, but bro, I think the more I become myself, like speaking of Al Pacino, you know, I've talked about this before, but like, you know, an actor that becomes their acting instead of the act, the characters, right? Like Al Pacino, if you were to watch him in The Godfather,

he would just be like, don't ask me about my business, okay? You know? And now if Al Pacino's in a movie, he's like, pancakes't ask me about my business, okay? You know? And now if Al Pacino's in a movie, he's like, pancakes, oh! You know? Oh my God, oh, you gotta have syrup. And you're like, what is this?

And the director's like, the lines aren't even, have nothing to do with pancakes, he's ad-libbing. You have to be reined in, right? And if you're someone who's not gonna be reigned in, right? And if you're someone who's not going to be reigned in, i.e. me, you know what I mean? Just somebody that, you know, somebody that is just going to be marching to the beat of their own drum. And maybe you are that person, maybe you're not, maybe you're not. And if you're not, I get why you listen to this podcast. And if you are, And if you are, you know, you're just going to become more crazy as you age and more yourself, which is worse.

Hey, stop evolving, right? Because you're just going to get more annoying. You're going to be, you know, I mean, I'm sure Al Pacino is cool, but like, you really want to be around him when he's just like, oh, oh, oh, you're probably like, God damn it, dude, rain it back a little bit. So what I'm saying is, uh, I don't understand a lot of things. Sometimes somebody will say something on a text and I go, like in a group, this happens to me a lot in a group text and I go,

I go, oh man, like in a group, this happens to me a lot, in a group text and I go, fuck, I don't know what they mean. Like, and I remember, I remember the first time I ever felt this way. I remember the first time I ever felt this way, I really do. I was a teenager and I had to go to therapy. My parents were like, you gotta go to therapy because you're fucking crazy. So I went to therapy and it was my OCD really,

they didn't understand what it was. And I went to therapy and the therapist was like one of those therapists that never said shit. So I was like, this sucks. It's like I'm done a fucking Tennessee Williams play. I'm just doing a monologue. And after the first session, he was like, I want you to take a test, take this test.

And I go, okay. He's like, it's a long test, but it's gonna really help me understand who you are. And I'm like, well, you know what would understand me how you are, is if you just fucking had a conversation with me, bud, and just didn't let me just talk about a bunch of shit, right?

Like I was basically doing a podcast for him, okay? But he wanted me to take it, so I took a test. I went home and there were a bunch of questions, like, you know, many, many questions. And the answers were all like, a lot of the time, some of the time, some of the time, zero of the time, and then sometimes the answers were yes and no, okay? And you had to fill in the bubbles.

And a lot of the questions that were yes and no, okay? I mean, there were like maybe eight or nine of them that I couldn't, I legitimately couldn't understand what they were trying to get at because they would say something very direct and then I would think about it too much and not understand which way I was supposed to answer. It's like, well, I would be like, well,

if I was hungry, it would be a different situation or if somebody asks me this and I'm trying And so I left it blank and I and I and I gave it back to him and the next time he was like Yeah, you left a lot blank. I I still don't know how you are and so anyway I've been living with that and and a lot of people are like bro You're so annoying just please fucking you know what I mean, and I don't and maybe that means I'm on the spectrum Maybe it does dude. I have no idea and I don't. And maybe that means I'm on the spectrum. Maybe it does, dude. I have no idea. And I don't really care. It's fine.

I just, I get in a lot of arguments with my wife because of it, because I don't know what she's saying and she thinks that I'm just, you know, she's like, and I'm like, well, I don't know. I don't, are you saying because it's, because it's been in the refrigerator or because I need to put it in the refrigerator.

And then she'd be like, we're getting into the weeds. And I'm just like, baby, I live in the weeds. I'm in the weeds. This is me. This is me. Trying to figure shit out. So, you know, I get a text. So I have a so I post.

There's an Instagram for congratulations. Okay. And it's called. Let me pull it up right here. So I know it's called the congratulations podcast. I started know. It's called the Congratulations Podcast. I started it, it's fairly new, okay? And I post clips on there, all right? And so I have clips made from the producers here, right?

And then also one of the elders, Rob Hay, who runs a channel for super good edits, right? It's called super good, here it is, super good underscore edits, right? A lot of times he'll send me the clips from there Here it is, super good underscore edits, right? A lot of times he'll send me the clips from there and be like, yo, joint post it with me, but you post it first.

So I'll be like, okay. So I put it on here. Now my producer texts me. Yeah, no, I know, but this is all me, bro. My producer texts me. Okay, so the clip is the vertical potatoes clip. You know the vertical potatoes. What the flying shit?

I put it on the thing, right? So this is a clip, okay? And the producer, so I post it, okay? The producer texts me, where is Vertical Potatoes clip? Okay, now I'm reading this and I don't, And I don't, I'm serious, I don't get what he's asking. Okay, I, because I posted it. And you're asking about it, so you know I posted it. So you know where it is.

All right. So these were my first part I think of okay, and then I go, but that can't be what he means because he's talking about it. He saw it and then he asked me where is it if you see it, you know where it is. Okay, so so I'm but, but I know I'm like this because of the, the thing I told you about the psychiatrist when I was in my teens. I don't understand things sometimes and I cannot, I'm reading the words, I'm looking at the words,

I'm looking at the words like they're hieroglyphics, like I'm looking like I'm trying to, like they mean something else and I just can't do it. So I go like, so this is the voice note I sent him. All right? This is, this is what it's like being friends with me and working with me. Can you be more specific? What do you mean? Because it's, what do you mean? Where is it? Like it's on my Instagram. Is that what you mean? Okay. Okay. So he says, where did you download it? All right. And I say, oh, I get it now. You want to know where I got it. And then I posted it because he wants to post it on TikTok. That's what he said. Okay. And then he says, then he said, laughs out. He laughs, he says, LOL.

And then I said this, and I just, I bring this to you guys, the cult, I bring this to you guys, the podcast audience, because I want to know how many people are like me, because I don't think many here. Okay, here, and this is what I said. Yeah, I mean, look, you can't ask a question like that to me because I personally don't think

that that's a correct way to answer a question and I don't understand who would think immediately that they know what you mean. And I stand by that. Now, everyone always says I don't get things and I get that. But that is an absolute crazy way to ask that question. Where is the vertical potatoes clip

is a crazy way to ask that. That's just insane. Now I don't, I feel that, you know? I don't just say it. He says, but given who I am, you could extrapolate what I'm getting at. And then I said. It's basically the same thing as saying,

when I'm looking at the shirt you have on and saying, where is that shirt? I think it's actually worse. Yeah, I do, I agree with you. That people will be like, what? And then he sent me a voice note that said, well, given who I am, you could extrapolate. No, that's where he said that on the text and then I said. No, no, no, given who I am,

you need to know to not ask that question. Be specific. To me. Because that is, dude, I don't get, I don't get sentences like that. I don't. Like I'm actually, I really don't. And maybe I'm autistic, bro. I really don't. And maybe I'm autistic, bro.

Anyway, so we have that conversation and we're laughing through it, you know what I mean? It's not like, I think some people I'm learning are like, think that that's like a dick. Like we're laughing, we're guys, okay. Some people will be like, whoa, what a dick, but like you just don't understand comedy, maybe? I don't know. So we're laughing, we're guys, okay? Some people will be like, whoa, what a dick, but like, you just don't understand comedy, maybe, I don't know. So we're laughing, okay?

Then my wife comes in the room and she has a friend over, okay? And I say, let me ask you something, okay? And I explain exactly what just went down, like I did with something, okay? And I explain exactly what just went down, like I did with you, okay? Right here. And I say, I lead up to the part where he says, where is the vertical potato video, okay?

I tell him the story, and then I ask both of them. No, there were three people there. I asked the three of them. When he asked that question, what did you think he meant? And they all did And dude, I'll tell you it was a light bulb moment because I Said okay now Kristen, do you understand? It must be so intense fucking living with me, dude Because then I was like so Kristen this is what I mean when I say I don't get...

I think sometimes you think I'm doing stuff to be, you know, you say I'm in the weeds, but I genuinely don't understand things. And she's like, fine, it's 1030. Can we just watch a show? And yes, we can, but we cannot peacefully in my mind. If we don't talk about this before, we choose which one to watch. So it's gonna be.

God, the more I have this podcast, the more I understand how fucking annoying it is to live with me. That sucks, dude. It is what it is, though, dude. I mean, here's another one. No, I want to get I want to talk about it. And I was like, maybe I won't talk about that on my podcast, but I'm going to talk about it. Okay. Dude, I got to fucking talk about this. And I'm going to send this link to him

because it was so fucking funny. All right. All right. So this is, this is, this is, this is to me. I thought about this for days. God, okay. Let me get the guy, let me get the text fields here. Okay. The hell is it?

So there, you know,? So when you go to a place as a comedian, and you show up in a city, and you've been touring for 20 years, right? OK? You have friends in cities, OK? Now what I mean by that is, people that text you that if they walked by you randomly, you wouldn't know who they are, okay? But for some reason, oh, there's George,

who disc George somebody, and you go, and they go, hey, you're gonna be in fucking Toronto. Dude, let me know if you wanna get dinner. And you go, and as a comedian, right? Or as a musician or whatever, I'm sure it happens to not just comedians, but you go, oh, oh, some guy that I've had some sort of experience with,

and maybe I gave him my number and I don't know who he is. So here's the text back and you go, for sure if I got time, shoo, and you don't mean it. Because it's just gonna make it easier. There's a part of me that wants to go, send me a picture of who you are and how did we meet? But I don't want to be, I don't want to feel bad, right?

And there's levels of it, right? There's levels of that guy, right? There's the guy that you, that pressured you into giving his number. There's, you go, okay here, and then you just completely forget about him. And then there's other guys that you, you know, every now and then you see them sometimes like after the show and whatever. Okay. So Denver comes, all right, it's the week of the show, the Denver show. And it was great. I loved it. I had such a good time. Okay. And look, this is the thing. I can't even find it in my text field, which means, and I have his name in my thing. And God, he is the nicest guy.

And I really do enjoy talking to him. Where is it? Um, I can't find it. How come you can't find the shit you're looking for, man? What is that? There it is. I'm not gonna tell you his name, obviously. But he said he's a guy I keep in touch with, you know? All right.

I let me give you this much. I've probably spent in total, in total, in total, FaceTime with him. No, I don't mean FaceTime on the phone. I mean actual like, in the same room with the person. I've probably been, we're talking 15 minutes total. No, you know what?

If that, if I would say less 10 minutes total, total. All right. And we text. All right. So he texts me. Well, he texts me, hey buddy buddy how's the new Torbin? And I say, hey dude it's been amazing. Okay now I know this guy and I have his number on my phone you know and I have his name here and I know him to be nice so I write back hey dude it's amazing.? Then he writes me back,

I'm trying to find a dog sitter so I can come Saturday. Didn't realize the Denver show was coming up that quick. So, so I just go that if you want to, if you want to just, I have to have a conversation with this guy as much as I want to be like, as much as I want to be like, cool, let me know I'll get you tickets. I can't, I, I, there's, there's way more I have to understand about this. So I'm like, you have a dog, you need a dog sitter to go to the thing,

but you're asking when I'm coming to your town, so what are you, and I'm doing all this shit and I'm driving and I'm like, why would you need a dog sitter? Then you just go to the show and then come back on the show, right? And so I go, all right, I want to ask him this, or I say this, this is what I text him.

I thought you live in Denver, okay? Really putting it to him, really putting him back on his feet right here, right? He says, I'm trying to find a dog sitter so I can come Saturday. Didn't realize the Denver show was coming up that quick. And I said, I thought you live in Denver. OK, that's what I write back to the guy. All right. Because because I'm I am I am you know what I am. I'm shy, dude. I'm a little bit gangster and I will beat around the bush, right?

I will, I will beat around the bush. Okay, because, because I want you to figure it out before the ending. Do you know what I'm saying? Right? Like right before Kevin Spacey drops the coffee cup, you go, he's Kaiser Soze. Right before. Now Kevin Spacey doesn't drop, I don't know, whoever drops a coffee cup right. So I say I thought you live in Denver and he says yeah I live in Denver. This shows this Saturday here, right? And I write, yeah.

And then he writes, oh, perfect. Yeah, I'm trying to make it there, man. Would love to see you. I could now say, great, let me know, I'll get you tickets. As far as I'm concerned, this conversation is not not over because you opened up, you know what you did? You opened up curiosity, okay? You just, you opened up a, you know what you opened up? A fucking, it's like if you live it, okay, so you live in this city of the place that I'm coming to. You want to come to the show.

I've spent a total of 10 minutes with you and you're telling me in the same city I'm performing that you live in, you're going to try and come, but you gotta get a dog sitter. What the hell? Oh my God, no way. Okay, so I am not thinking about anything but this, okay? I'm laser focused and I cannot drop it. So I say to him, and I've spent 10 minutes with this guy. Okay. I say to him, why would you need a dog sitter if you live in the city that I'm going to be in?

I don't understand. Did you want to sleep in your chair at the theater afterwards? And he says, laughing. I can't leave them for longer than a few hours because we babied our dogs when we were young, when they were young. And I says, laughing, I can't leave them for longer than a few hours because we babied our dogs when we were young, when they were young. And I wrote, or what? They start making bombs. Now this is why I love, I'm a comedian because he'll, I am joking.

I am being light with the guy, you know, let me know. Let me get tickets. Anyway, we got him tickets. They showed up because of course! Why I need to know about the dog? Let the dog shit everywhere. Because I can't, I don't, you know, Kristen Kristen she got a dog and I say she got a dog because I said if you get a dog your potty training it it's your dog so when she says I gotta

go will you let the dog out I get hot inside I get it you know that's the thing. I should have said, no, don't please we can't get a dog. But now my kids love it. He's cute, you know, but I, I don't give a fuck. I have dogs and like, they're so hard to deal with. That's how I know I'm not a sociopsychopath because psychopaths love, love their dogs. And I like my dogs. Okay? Um, whoops. I'm just fucking all sorts of hot right now.

Huh. People are interesting, huh? Like, they're so interesting. Like, remember when your mom and dad wouldn't text? They're just like, what is that? And then, and then now your mom is just like this when you hang out with her? Watching Facebook? And you're like, Oh, that shit changed. Now I haven't spoken to my mom in weeks, but we text all the time.

Right. How about how Pope Francis died and, and it's definitely because of JD Vance. That's great. Dude, the meat, the fucking memes of JD Vance. That's crazy. Dude, the fucking memes of JD Vance are evolving so amazingly and phenomenally, and I love them so much, and why do I love them so much? There's something, dude, the JD Vance memes where his face is a little fatter for no reason, are so great and why?

I mean, I mean, I love it. It's so funny. There's a page I follow that make JD Vance AI videos of him as Hellraiser. And I just follow it and I comb through it looking at it. And I smile so hard when I watch it. And sometimes I laugh. And it's like, I wish someone would just fucking do that for me, dude. I really do.

I wish someone would just AI the shit out of me doing a Hellraiser thing or anything, really. Maybe I'm getting murdered in Scream, the movie Scream, you know what I mean? I don't know. But like, J.D. Vance is so lucky bro, that he gets memed and shit like that. It's funny bro those things Hmm oh this was great. This was just fantastic Fuck Hold on. Hold on right here. I don't make love. I fuck.

Hard. Hard? That's not good. I can't express to you, like I'm being honest, okay? And I want you to understand this. I cannot express to you how hard I don't fuck. I am so smooth with it, okay? I'm so nice with it.

And I don't mean, look, I might be bad at it, but it is very pleasant. Okay. You know, uh, you know, me and my wife, that shit is just, nobody's getting fucked. You know what I mean? We are, it's, we are, we are chillin', really is what it is, and it feels extra good, right? So that's what sex with me is like. It's, it's, it's not, there is no, you know, a lot of guys are like, I fuck so hard, dude. No. As a matter of fact, I don't even want to do that. And I never did. If somebody wanted to, if a hot woman came up to me in my heyday and was like, hey, let's do it, but it's gotta be hard.

I go, turned it down. No, I don't want to. I don't want to, bro. Can I be smooth with it, ma'am? ma'am, I hear what you're saying. Can we not even just meet in the middle? Can I just be nice with it? Can it be smooth? No?

Turned it down. I don't, I'm not, I, I, I, I, what do we gotta prove dude? And I've always been like that bro. What do we gotta prove? What do you gotta prove man? do you gotta prove, man? Also, it's exhausting. What?

I already work out. I don't wanna be out of breath except for the last moment. You know what I'm talking about? Woo, whoa. The whole time? What's going on, man? I think guys who have to really do it hard, I think if you've got a big, big member, you really don't.

It's not important, bro. You know what I mean? Let me just instead fill you up. Let me not even, you know what I'll do? Hey, yo, I'm Mormon with it. I'll soak. I don't give, I am basically in the sauna. Like I will just, you know what I'll do?

Chill. Hey, dude, if I could make love with my arms like this, on the back of like a jacuzzi, I would do it. I am not the guy who is I Yo, don't come to me if you want some leather jacket Marlboro smoking Fuck that is not me man and and and And I have no misgivings about that. I don't feel bad about that. I have had sex with women in my past

that have straight up been like... I had a... One time I was with this woman and I texted her afterwards, like a few days later, and I was like, yeah, it's fun. If you want to hang again, let me know. And she wrote back, I was like, yeah, it's fun. You know, if you want to hang again, let me know. And she wrote back, I don't know. You didn't like really like do it hard. And I'm like, yeah, yeah. She's like, I'm kind of into like guys that like, will like, you know, smash.

And I'm like, oh yeah, all right. Well, yeah, that's, smash and I'm like, oh yeah. All right. Well, yes. Nah, I'm not. Nah. Yeah. All good. Hey.

Oh, all gravy. Nah. I soak. I fucking soak, bro. That's creepy. Tell me more about that. Like, I'm in a booth. You know what I'm saying? If I'm going to go to a soaker. I'm Mormon with it. Elder Chris. Hi, I'd like to talk to you about the the Church of Latter-day Saints. You're into power fucking? I uh yeah my goal would be like to just sit and I'm gonna talk to my wife about this to just like no kind of no movement oh that would be the shit that would be so fun

funny funny and fun no movement soaking for I, a bit like tantric sex can be like that. No movement soaking for, you know, eight minutes and then just concentrating so much on like eye contact and your heart's beating that you after eight minutes minutes you make one move together and you just go Ha and that's it dude. That would be awesome I'm telling you Soak it bro Fuck man Yeah, he's smooth man, what do you want he's fucking smooth with it. He's Mormon with it. What do you want? What do you want? He's a soper. He's a super soper. What do you want? God, man, we're super sokers with everything. They got so, remember the water guns that were

like the handheld ones and then just got bigger and bigger until like kids couldn't even carry them and they had to have a backpack with water on it. Hey, it's not fun anymore. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, kid, get a regular one. Hey, don't have an apparatus, right? And just a big neon green kid, just, you know, shucking down the up up the driveway just... Come on, I can't get you! Because they are 45 pounds on their back. It's hilarious, dude. My brother couldn't even carry this shit. I would just wet him up, dude.

I was just right there in his face just pumping... And he... and his... while his backpack was falling off he's falling backwards and shit um i don't you know for the youtube people for the people who watch i got my fucking zip string bro my kids this is one of those toys where I was like my kids are gonna love it and I brought it home and I... it's one of those toys where you can't just... if you're buying it, you're buying yourself to be a man. You're buying time as a maintenance man, right?

Like this breaks all the time. Well, it doesn't break. It's like you put the string in, it's got different strings, but it comes out when a five-year-old is doing it. And you gotta put it back in and dude, you can't do shit, bro. I tried to watch the first episode of the Waco thing and it took me, I mean, it took

me five hours because he kept doing it. Man, my son's polite as shit though, bro. He just, he'll say, he'll straight up say thank you. Have you said thank you once? And, but he will. And I love that. I don't know. I don't understand rowdy kids.

Like, as a parent, you could fuck up so, so early. You know, it's already too late. It's all ready to late. You have to start parenting when your wife is crowning. When the baby comes out, you go, all right, so there's gonna be some ground rules. And you've only seen his head so far.

I have boundaries, okay? Obviously, you know. But it's like, parents fuck up so early. And you're going to fuck up doing something right? Like for us, it's the food thing. It's like, God damn it. We gave him cliff bars when he was fucking three months old. And now God, the guy just fucking wants cliff bars like it's cocaine. And I'm just like, baby, don't get cliff bars. So we don't have them.

And she's like, yeah, but he wants them. I'm like, this is the thing. It's a candy bar. And then she's like, no, it't get Cliff bars. So we don't have them. And she's like, yeah, but he wants them. And I'm like, this is the thing. It's a candy bar. And then she's like, no, it's not. It's got protein. And I'm like, oh, don't even be one of those fucking people, dude. Are you kidding me? It's a candy bar.

It just has a, it's just got a guy rock climbing on the rapper instead of a fucking, you know, a cartoon guy with big eyes. You know, it's not good. So now my kids are hooked on bars, bars, bars. That's, that's Billy. Bar, bar, bar. Like he's the bird from fucking what's that Pixar. Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma. That's why he says bar though. And it's too late. It's, it's too late. And I, and I have to leave for the weekend sometimes. So I can't even imagine

how many bars my kids, you know, they're suckering out of my wife. Because I go, no, I say no. Billy says, bars, no, not now. And he throws a fit and I am, I stand there, dude. It breaks my heart. But I don't want to, you know, I don't want people. I don't want to be the reason why people get in cants. Anyway, it's hard. So my point is when you see like a jerky kid out and about at like a mall doing like annoying shit to people, that parent fucked up so quickly. It's not like, oh, it took two years.

They fucked up. So like, I think when the kid came out, they didn't do like a crucial thing. Like they didn't look at it in the eyes or something. I don't know. Or a hold it against their chest. I don't know what it is, but like. You know, and I hate to say it, but like, you know, well, I don't know. I don't know how everyone isn't fucked up, honestly, because so much weird shit happens when you're a kid, but dude, when you see a kid that's just running around,

like throwing shit, oh my God, bro, that parent fucked up immediately. Here's what here here's what my next kid's gonna hear first. All right so there's gonna be some ground rules. That's that's what he's gonna he she that's what whoever whenever it is if whenever it happens. All right and push push push here it comes oh here it all right okay so let me crawl around it there's gonna be some ground rules actually oh and actually look it's a boy so Push, push, here it comes, oh, here it, wah. All right, oh kids, let me crawl around. There's gonna be some ground rules actually. Oh, and actually look, it's a boy. So there's gonna be some ground rules.

I just want you to know that. Here, let me do chest to chest. Let me do skin to skin. Aw, there's gonna be some ground rules. Isn't that sweet? You want it, sweetie? Here, put it on your, there we go. But there's gonna be some ground rules.

Aw, let's take a pic. There's gonna be some ground rules. Oh, let's take a pic. There's going to be some ground rules. Isn't that sweet? So I don't have a jerky kid, dude. Cause these five, six year olds going crazy. And I tell my son, I go, hey, come here. We're not doing that. Oh, what's up?

What's up with these parents, man? I don't know. But then again, God, when I see those things, like when I see like the, because I was watching the Waco Texas thing, and it's like there were so many women and children in that compound that they were like, they had to get out and they had to save the children.

And I get that. I get that that notion, you know, because you don't want to be the reason why a three year old, you know, can't get out of that situation. And then I, but I immediately go to, oh man, you're saving that kid so they can be a 50 year old asshole one day. You know what I'm saying? Like at what point is it to where you go? Cause you know, we let, you know, they're innocent. Yes. And they do, they, they, you know, they shit their pants and they cry at the drop of a hat

And they have to figure out life right and we you know, and you want to you want to save them so so so They're important right there the you know what they are. They're the future but hey the future sucks Right You know how I know it sucks because we didn't't know there was going to be Jeff Bezos. And now there's Jeff Bezos. Back then, we could have been like, it's going to suck. We have got to hear his laugh all the time.

Or the Kardashians. Ah, fuck, that's a show now. Ah, shit. I got to drive down a fucking Sunset Boulevard and now I gotta see a skim shop. Ah fuck. That's how I know the future sucks. Because that didn't happen once. And then whoops it happened.

That was the future. Ah fuck. I don't know. I don't make love. I do. That's all I do and that's all I've ever done. If you wanna have sex and you, you know, if you wanna, ah, ah, you want any of that shit and

I soak My wife vouches I soak So what do you want from me man? It's broken already. My wife vouches for me. I soak. Dude my wife my wife vouches for me. I soak.

That right there is the dorkiest thing you can possibly do is be like my wife vouches for me. I soak. If you want somebody to drill it or smash, I'm not your guy, but I soak my wife out just for me. Sweetie, I soak, right? I don't do much movement when we make love? It's too exhausting, right? What do we got to prove? And I'll tell ya, what do we... Ha ha ha ha We got nothing to prove, right?

We're both fit! It's not that we don't have the stamina It's just we like to, you know, we're Mormon with it. Oh fuck. Alright guys, thank you very much. Go to chrislea.com, I'll be in New York and I'll be in Atlanta and I'll be in Savannah. I appreciate you guys. chrislea.com, I'll be in New York and I'll be in Atlanta and I'll be in Savannah. I appreciate you guys. chrislea.com, four tickets, thanks.