Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 442. The Camp Has Turned

Episode Date: May 8, 2025

Get a shoutout on Congratulations: ⁠⁠holler.baby/chrisdelia⁠⁠ 🎤 MY SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is now available to watch on YouTube: ⁠⁠WATCH⁠⁠ 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: ⁠⁠patreon.com/chrisdelia⁠⁠ - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. This week Chris has lots of thoughts about NYC and why it is such a special place. Plus legendary rappers, late night slices, and lady taking liberties. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram, X, and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: ⁠⁠instagram.com/chrisdelia⁠⁠ 🕺 TikTok: ⁠⁠tiktok.com/@chrisdelia⁠⁠ 🎮 Twitch: ⁠⁠twitch.tv/chrisdelialive⁠⁠ 𝕏 X: ⁠⁠x.com/chrisdelia⁠⁠ 👤 Facebook: ⁠⁠facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

RUNK So it's episode 442 and we're coming at you from the Congratulations Studios, the super good studios, part of the super good studios, you know what I mean? And I am going to be in, well, be in Savannah on Friday, Savannah, Georgia, Atlanta, Atlanta, Georgia. And then I have Winnipeg, MB, whatever that is, MB in Canada. And then Regina, Sask, SK, Saskatchewan. And then Saskatoon, Saskatchewan and then Saskatoon Saskatchewan to the names you know pretty native I guess and I'll be in Ontario California and Dania Florida I got a bunch of dates coming up you know I'll be in Kansas City I'll be in

Hamilton Ontario I'll be in Waco gonna try and get the branch Davidians going again and Cleveland and Detroit and a bunch of the ones. So go to chrisley.com and get your tickets. And also, you know, I've got cool merch out there. So go to chrisley.com. But otherwise, dude, just live your life, man. Do what you do. Do what you do like I do what I do. I was in New York and Boston.

And I tell you, it was the first time, I think, I've been to New York where I just went to do the show only. I did not go for any other reason. I did not, I did not go early. I went, I had to go the night before, but I got in late, you know? And then I, the next day, I woke up, um...

Oh, wait, wait, something happened where I, like, shh... I had to, what was it? It was two, oh, I ate pizza too many times, that's what it was. Dude, I, well, we've, my tour, my crew, whatever you wanna call it, my guys that I travel with, you know. I have a camera guy, Sam.

I have the guy who goes in front of me, the stand up in front of me, rising star in comedy, Denny Love, okay? And then I sometimes have other, like I'll have a tour manager or, that changes who it is, because depending on, because I work with the company,

the tour managers and all that. But we had, I hate how this rug is on this chair, but we had, it's really bitch when I do it. But we had Sam and whenever you go to New York, no, whenever I go to New York, it's always gonna be a production. And I don't mean the show, I mean everything else. Because of my family that's there.

Well, some are in New York, I think most of them are probably in New Jersey, but they're gonna come see the show. And I got, and I am, I love them. I love them so much. They're a lot of fun too. I have a great family and it's so tiring. You know what I'm saying?

So I have to do the show and then I have to eat with them afterwards and then see them the next day before I leave for wherever I'm going. And they're my favorite people and I love them so much. And I'm very lucky to be in this family and I'm exhausted, right? Because my adrenaline has peaked at the show

and then afterwards I am a zombie, zombie, zombie. But I have to be, you know, as instilled to me through my father, growing up, you gotta, you know, be there for your family. And what that means is, if you're anywhere in the absolute vicinity of your mother, you gotta go absolutely say hi to her no matter what you have to do,

even if your whole day is full. So, yeah dude. And that makes me mad and that is so Italian and that's fine, but it still is just like, you know, my dad called me, like I think I've talked about this before, but like my dad called me once because I had a doctor's appointment near my mom and

That later on that day. He was he calls me up. He's like, what are you doing? I got to hear I got to hear this from your mother you you were in La Cunha and you didn't see your mother And I'm like, huh He says your mother was There she knew you had a doctor's appointment, you didn't go see her? What? Hey, I'm 40. And that's fine, but no, I didn't.

And I couldn't. And also, do I have to explain myself? 40. Okay? And right now I'm 45, but back then was 40. Okay? And I felt bad all day after that. Dude, so Italian families will absolutely make you feel bad, right? They will. Not for nothing, but you go, you know, you're 30 miles close to your mother and you don't go say hi. You don't go there and eat a whole fucking meal. You don't go there and help her prepare the lasagna

and then make it with her and then slave over the stove for three hours and then eat it and then get too full and then eat tiramisu after that and then have a coffee with it. You don't do that. Well, the thing is I have other things to do. Nah, you don't do that.

You go over there, you bring a sleeping bag and you absolutely hang out with her for three and a half weeks. And it's a little much, but I love my mommy. I do. I love my mommy. And I didn't go that one time and I never stopped thinking about it. So it's all good. Yeah. But anyway, what was I even talking about? I was talking about my, what was I talking about? Going to New York and, so I have to see my family. And my family this time, dude,

I'm going to New York and every day that gets closer and closer, because my uncle will be like, hey, you coming to New York? I need 60 tickets. And I'm like, what? Yeah, I need 60. I got my friends from the law firm.

I got my other, you know, Martha's got a few people coming in and they're probably going to be a few babies that are going to be had. But before you come to New York, they're going to want tickets. A few of them, I think are probably going to get engaged. They might be married by then. I play it safe. Seventy 75 tickets. And, and I'm out just like fucking 8k. But if I don't, if I don't, if I don't, dude, like my dad's got to be like, let me ask you a question. You go to you go to New York and you don't give your uncle, you don't give your uncle Vinny 157 tickets.

He bumped into somebody at the grocery store three days ago. They're not going to have tickets. Camp out, stay with your uncle Vinny, stay with him, bring a sleeping bag, stay with him for three and a half weeks. Slave over the stove, make them some fucking lasagna. So I'm just like, but this time dude, hey, zero of my family hit me up. They don't like my comedy anymore, I guess. Yeah!

And it's all good, cause your boy fucking just ran around the city and got pizza. Listened to Jay Z. I just ran around the city and got pizza. Listened to Jay-Z. Uh, uh, uh, yeah. Dude, I listened to, when you listen to Jay-Z in New York, you fucking slang crack, you know what I mean? Hell yeah, man.

Jumped out like, yeah, who the fuck you wit? Just a storyteller, you know? A million. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh shit. a storyteller you know a million oh shit I sank this ball in your hole I'm Tiger Woods um so anyway but I love it dude and I was in the fucking Wagoneer dude just legs out the passenger seat fucking and you know we had a good time we were with who were we with Sam and his fucking you know Sam's always got like a band member or two that he knows at a city and it's annoying as fuck you know but

and they always have a camera with them and they're good or something and and then we got pizza and now here's how you know your camp turns on you. I went to New York the first night we checked in the hotel. We stayed at a place called the Dream Hotel. Now this is a fine, I guess it's a hot spot. I don't know. The reason why I'm saying I guess it's a hot spot is because it has a bunch of fish in a tank in a cylinder that goes from the ground to the ceiling in the lobby. Okay. And it has two places connected to it that are like swanky that you're supposed to go to, but you can't get in. So I go to the, we check in and the guy is so New York. Like, you know what I love about New York is

when you go, when you're walking around the city past 1130 or even later, like 1230 AM, the people who are on the street are so fucking New York that it's unbelievable, dude. Like there will be a guy spraying the sidewalk with chemicals with fucking, you know, denim, like denim jeans on and a tank top. And he's got like a lined up perfect beard.

He's the same race as what, you know, he's a guy that you can, you can't tell if he's Indian or black, you know, he's, he's a guy that you can, you can't tell if he's Indian or black. You know, I'm talking about that guy. And he's got a diamond stud and his fucking hair is so just close to the, uh, scalp and, and, and, and he's got, and he's doing everything and this is what, and this is the face he's making. Bro, it's the most New York person. Everybody, I mean, it's like walking dead after,

after midnight, instead of zombies. Instead of the walking dead, it's just a dude with chemicals with a blank top, blank tank top, denim and Timbaland's on with his fucking just spraying outside of a fucking delicate testin' with, dude, with hair so close to the scalp, it looks like it's painted on,

and he's spraying and he's going like this. And there's an, and you know what the most New York part is? There's another guy there. And what's he doing? Do you know what I mean? There's another guy there. What's he doing except almost looking like that guy too, right? Yes, dude, start spreading the news. Two guys that look roughly alike

They've got on black tank tops And they've had them on since dinner They've got Timbalans on and stomping Through chemical wash Outside of a delicate tassin and a taco bell but out BOOM where do they work are they independently hired BOOM BOOM and they look over it start spreading the chemical fucking start spreading the chemical soap why does it smell like Sour Patch Kids dude it's unreal is the guy fit or not fit He looks fit with a shirt on, but when he takes it off, his body is silly putty. He's the same.

Is he black or Indian? Dude, unbelievable. That is the most New York guy and his name is fucking Terrence. Dude, but he's not! Um, anyway. You know, these guys will be out there spraying the fucking side. Why are they cleaning the sidewalks, dude? Hey, why are they cleaning the sidewalks when inside the store there's shit marks on the ground?

Um, yeah, but bro, it's unbelievable, man. S in New York and the word fu. And so I was listening to fucking Jay-Z rolling deep. And this is how you know your camp turns on you, okay? Man, that's a long story, but we go in and out of stuff, you know? Remember that one podcast episode I told one story the whole time?

So that was my favorite episode ever. So What was that episode Rob had get to work and so but the no, so I I I so we're at the The we're at the we're in New York Okay The hotel was fine and and and the dude who looked like the guy who was also spraying the chemicals on the street was working at the Dream Hotel, all right?

And his name was like, you know, what was his name? Fuck, what was it? I don't remember. And he was like, you know, Sam and Danny are like tourists. You know what I'm saying? Like they don't bleed New York like I bleed New York, right? They don't fucking breathe in the Bronx, exhale Queens. They don't do that, right? They don't stick you in a side with a shiv

and what's coming out? Staten Island. They don't do that, right? They go and they're tourists. Okay. You don't fucking stick me with a shiv and whoopsie daisy Brooklyn's exposed. That's what happens when cause I bleed New York. All right. Hey, right. So but but Denny and Sam walk around like they're fucking Japanese. So I'm like, all right, let's be tourists in New York. But that's the thing, if there's three of you, and one of you bleeds New York,

then all three of you are tourists. Do you understand? So now I'm just a tourist. Now I'm Japanese too. Give me a long trench coat. I'll just walk around and look only up. If you, if you took the percentage of area that a Japanese man looks up above eyeline in their whole life,

this is 65 to 70 percent okay they only look below 40 percent either directly straight or down okay and it's the opposite for Japanese women yeah I would I'm maybe 75 percent even only looking up the Japanese men and the women only looking down 75% of their life. So, so anyway, I'm basically Japanese here in New York. And I'm the guy who you stick me and my hat. Right? The Bronx. So, dude, that's the most New York song.

Y'all there, y'all there. Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, b should have listened to that one too, but I didn't. I didn't. I only listened to fucking so. I love how Jay-Z starts a song, dude. You're cordially invited to my bachelor party. Here we go. What? Just do the song. We set out E-vites. So what we did was we put together a gang night.

So you are cordially invited to the gang night. We got chutes to ladders anyway. Bitches is in my. So no, but what was I saying? So I was in New York. And I got to listen to that rock him song. The ding, ding, ding, ding. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. There. So, um, do you know that song or no? You might. Oh, it's so New York, bro. Okay. I'm doing it so bad. You know, the ding, the ding, ding, ding, ding, yah, yah, yah, yah there. So anyway, it so bad, you know? The thing, the thing, thing, thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, there. So anyway, it's called New York or something. So anyway, this is how you know your camp turns on you. Haven't even gotten into yet. 17 minutes into the podcast and I've said, this is how you know your camp turns on you. And I still haven't gotten to it, but you'll know how my camp turns on me when I tell you.

Okay. What's it called? New York out there. Oh, fuck. I'll play a little snippet so we don't get demonetized, but oh my God, dude. It's the most New York. It's definitely, it's gotta be DJ Premier. Get y'all there.

Ding, ding. So I did, so now I'm at the thing and the guy, and, and, and so Sam and, and, and Denny, the Japanese tourists are just like, Hey, um, we've got to get pizza. We're in New York. We got to get pizza. And I'm just like, yeah. And then Denny's like Joe's pizza. I saw it in Spiderman.

And I'm like, oh my fucking God. Are you gonna eat the pizza with chopsticks? Cause you're Japanese. You're a tourist, congratulations, all good. You're Japanese now, okay? So I go, dude, you don't go to a place because you saw it in a movie, all right? In New York, unless it's like

when Harry met Sally or something, right? Spider-Man. So anyway, I'm like, no, we're not going to Joe's, dude. We'll ask the local guy what the best pizza place is around here. And he says, probably right now, I ain't lying, but you know, only in New York, could you have a hotel worker that's just like so dope like that. Probably right now.

Um, uh, I'll probably say the best one. Probably like, and I don't remember what he said, but he said the pizza place and I was like, that's the one we're going to go to because the local said it. And he knows because he's definitely cousins with the guy who's cleaning this sidewalk out there. And that dude bleeds New York. Okay. But anyway, I digress.

This is how you know your camp turns on you. I say to the dude, uh, we're going to go with the local guy. I say to the dude, we're going to go with a local guy. So we go get that local pizza and it's fucking absolutely mid. Dude, it's so mid. And I'm like, how's this New York dude not know that the pizza is mid? I mean, dude, if you talk to somebody in New York and ask them advice on where to go, and the first thing that they say

when they respond to you is this, pshh, bro, you're in for the night of your life. That motherfucker is, you know what I mean? Because whether or not the dude is black, you know, Dominican, Italian, white, whatever it is, that dude, you stick him, whoops, Brooklyn's exposed. Right, okay? And I like to fancy myself like that,

but the dude sent us to a mid pizzeria. Okay? And I ate four slices. Okay? Then I woke up the next day, got coffee. I didn't know Rick Glassman was there. Found out he was there, met up with Rick Glassman,

went to a place, got another coffee, and then I had to go back. I had to really go to the bathroom, dude, because pizza and coffee, let's hear it for New York. Pizza and coffee, forget it. So anyway, then I did the show. It was great, all good, kept seat seats warm, but not too warm Right because they do stand up

They do stand up from giddiness And so what happened was and then I I got off the show the show and then they go Hey, let's eat and I go about it about it about it About it. I'm fucking bout it and We went to go eat and we went to the Lower East Side, which is too far But we did it because they were screaming about this burger that they had earlier on in the day

Just screaming about this burger that was on like a sourdough bun that pissed me off, right? But I'm like, all right motherfucker. motherfucker let's go let's get the burger I'm gonna eat it and if I don't like it I get to resent you for a while yes so uh because you ain't shit if you don't resent your friends you ain't shit so I go we I is is the place They go, it's open till 12. I go, great, let's go. We get there, we walk in, sorry, the kitchen's closed. And I go, I say, dude, you fucking Japanese tourists, you don't know, you don't know

to call the place and find out if the kitchen is open. What did you check? Hmm. Yelp. What did you check? Huh? The website. Call. You know how many times I've gone to places too late and they're still open and are like, ah, let me see. Let me talk to the chef because I think they closed up the kitchen and you just go.

Files done. So so I go. I'm like, this sucks. I wanted to get, my only request was let's not get pizza, because I had pizza the night before and then I had coffee, whoopsie daisy, right? And I shit out New York. Talk about exposing Brooklyn. So... I, uh... They go, all right, well, we'll find another place.

And they parked near a place. And they're like, I think there's a place down here. Walked to a place, and they pretended to walk past a place and be like, oh, shit, look what's here. And I look up and it's fucking Joe's pizza from Spider-Man. Bro? Isn't that amazing? Just defeat, defeat, defeat, defeat.

Do you know what I'm talking about? They did it to me. I was one upped by the Japanese tourists and, and they didn't give a fuck that I bleed Staten Island. So I go, I don't really want pizza. I don't think I'm going to get it. And we went there, we wait in line. I'm like, what am I going to do? Get something else. I don't really want pizza. I don't think I'm going to get it. And we went there, we wait in line. I'm like, what am I going to do?

Get something else. I don't want to be that asshole. I don't like that guy that doesn't get pizza with the crew. I really don't like that guy. I don't like it. I don't like that guy. I don't like that girl. I don't like that guy.

If everyone's getting pizza, get a slice. Right? You go get pizza, you get a slice. It's like my dad would be seeing my mom if I'm anywhere within 10 miles of her. All right, you go to pizzeria, you don't get a slice? They got a bunch of stuff. You don't get a slice of pepperoni. You just walk in with your friends, you're hanging out there. What are you? So now I go in and I get a slice.

Okay, I eat that. I get another slice. I eat that. My camp turned on me, dude. They think that they can pick the place to eat and they did it by tricking me. The camp has turned. So now I don't have friends, I have enemies.

I mean, I have enemies enemies I have secret enemies, dude So that's it man, that's that that's the thing that just Yeah, no, it made me not so but I ate the pizza then the next day felt like absolute shit I Can't I can't, I can't, you know, I'll tell you man, the thing about waking up in the morning is, and I know I've said this before, but I don't wake up. I open my eyes, I move my body off of the bed. I sometimes take a shower.

I'll do that at 7.30. I wake up four, okay? Four, I have been doing standup comedy for too long to not reserve my adrenaline for 9 p.m., okay? Not awake. Not till the sun's gone see ya. Okay? So, you know, it's a little better now that I have to wake up

and take Calvin to school. I might be awake a little earlier, but dude, if not, if I'm on the road, I'm not awake. Not till four, okay? So I got back and I had to take... I mean, dude, do you ever have one of those days where you're just like, oh, this is the end. Like, oh, oh, oh, you know what it is?

You go like this, ah, oh, all right, well, I had fun while it lasted. File's done. Legitimately, oh, you know what? You know what it is? My brain is getting soft. Dude, I've been doing the road so much. So I come back.

Most of the time I don't get paid with a check. I just, they wire it. You know what I mean? This one,'t get paid with a check. I just, they wire it. You know what I mean? This one, I got paid for, I had the check in my backpack for like two weeks. Okay. And I only thought about it when I didn't have the check on me.

I go, I fire back here to deposit that fucking thing. God damn it. And so I have the time. So I kept forgetting to have the check on me, just put it in my pocket, you know? But I wake up, I go to take Calvin to school. This was one of these days, dude. Um, I packed Calvin's bag, the lunch, the snack, whatever, and lunch, get them all dressed, put the water in the backpack because they got their waters, you know,

and then they drink them throughout the days. Put his folder in his backpack. Then I take Calvin to school. Zero backpack, okay? Set it all up, didn't have the backpack, okay? So I get there and I go, oh fuck dude. Calvin's one of those kids that likes a routine. If there's something off, it's like,

you're not my dad anymore. You know, it's just like, I'm like, hey buddy, so I forgot your snack. Is there a way to maybe share with one of the kids? And he just, he literally goes like this. to maybe share with one of the kids and he just he literally goes like this and just waited for me to say the next thing and I was like I'll go back I'll get it okay so I'm like you know what I'll go back I'll get it and this will be fine because I'll go back I'll get it and then I'll get that check.

And then I'll deposit the check and then go take the snack to Calvin, the backpack to Calvin, and it'll all work out. I won't lose any time. Okay, maybe five minutes, you know, cause you, so, so I'm like, all right, that's what I'll do. So I go to home, I get the backpack and I go, got it. Phase one, complete, right? And then I go immediately to get coffee because I know it's near the bank.

Okay. So I go to get coffee. By the way, I was supposed to, I already fucked up the plan. I was supposed to go take the back flight to Calvin immediately because I needed to eat up time and I'll tell you why in a second. And I knew I needed to eat up time. And I'll tell you why in a second. And I knew I needed to eat up time, but I'll tell you why in a second. I get to the coffee place. I get coffee, I get in my car and I go to leave.

And I go, whoa, I almost forgot to go to the bank. I forgot. So I park again, go to the bank. The bank isn't open because it's too early. And I knew that because that's why I needed to eat up time. But still, fucked up. So then I'm like, ugh, all right. I'll wait for the bank to open outside

like a fucking moron, okay? Drinking my coffee. They do it. I go deposit the check, okay? Leave the bank, leave the coffee in the bank, all right? And I get in the car and I go into the bank and I say, oh, I forgot my coffee. And he says, yeah, you're gonna need that. I said, the bank and I say oh I forgot my coffee and he says yeah you're gonna need that I said the whole reason why I left it is because I didn't

drink it yet and I thought that was pretty smart but he didn't get it it was too early you know so I'm like what am I doing so then I go home with the Home! With the backpack still. Dude. And I'm like, oh, this is the end. Oh, death becomes me. And so I'm like, I drive it, finally, I give it the thing, I put it in, I bring it to the school and I'm like, dude, I did so much extra shit.

But those days are, and then I text Chris and I'm just like, man, this is one of those days. And I'm texting her and it's like 9 a.m. She's not even awake yet. It's just, it was, you know, I mean, look, it's fine. But I know people are dying out there. People have dysentery and shit, but I'm just saying for me, that day was just... out there, people have dysentery and shit, but I'm just saying, for me that day was just...

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uh, a gay guy for awhile because I went to the airport, got Duncan. Okay. The iced coffee there, which is pretty damn good. Walk out of the Duncan. Okay. A guy looks at me and he goes like this. He's sitting down in the airport, like one of the, you know how they just have

like random seats, he's at his gate I guess. But I walk out of the Duncan and then the guy sees me and goes like this, this is the sound he makes. Okay, so I go, oh fuck, I'm gay, right? You can't look at someone and then react like that and then you're both not gay. So I realize, oh, I've slept with men before, right? I'm in this world where a guy thinks he can look at me,

laugh like a fucking gerbil, and I don't suck him off, right? So I'm like, all right, we'll at least get, go to a matinee. So he does that and then I realized, oh, didn't get a straw, go back, get a straw, come back out. The guy's on the chair, still looking at me and he goes like this, he goes like this. Waves to me with his fucking finger. Alright, so I go, oh Not only am I gay

I'm now a bottom. You know I'm talking about like he literally the two things the guy's done to me was and then this Waving at me with a fucking finger. Okay, hand was still, finger was not. Imagine that, the people in the audio. So I go, oh, I look at him and I go, yeah. I mean, what do you say to that?

I go, yeah. And he says, Chris? And I go, oh, I guess I dated him. And he says, can I? And I said, I'm so confused. The things that the guy's done to me so far are this and can I? Hey guy, say more, do less weird physical things and say more. So I'm on the page you're on.

You see me getting my coffee which means I didn't have it yet. So what's going on? So the guy is, he's like, can I? Can I? And I'm like, what, finger me, bro? I don't know what he means. And then he says, picture, can I take a picture with you? This is what he's doing. Can I take a picture with you? Like he's got one of those old school fucking cannons or like an $11,000 Lumiere or whatever the hell they're

called. And I say, oh, you want to take a picture? Yeah, what are you doing with the finger stuff, man? And just laughing at me. I was so confused. And he's like, sure, man. Oh, such a grip, such a big fan. We took a picture and that's it. But it's like, bro, sometimes people, you know what? You know what? You know what? I've been there in my day when, when you're a guy and you got a hit on chicks, right? And you're like, all right, I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna fucking do it, fuck it. And you walk up and you just go like, broccoli? And she's like, what? Oh no, sorry. I meant to say hi, but your hair looks like broccoli. It reminded me of, oh fuck. Ah shit. looks like broccoli it reminded me of oh fuck ah shit oh my god

I would have I would have sucked you off his last words were broccoli and You know what I mean? But like, I get it when you see a voluptuous woman and she's tall and nice and has a good smile, that you go fucked, as a guy you go fucked, right? But as a guy who's a fan of somebody, you go fucked too sometimes, I guess, right? Like if I saw, you know, Tupac or something, he's dead. But you know what I'm saying?

People get dumb, dumb, dumb. And I don't mean that in a bad way. I just mean you just are like out of, you're out to lunch, you know? And I went to Boston and Boston was just too windy and hot. Pick one. Pick one. Guy came up to me and said, Hey man, are you famous? You tell me if you say so. Where do I know you from?

Oh, for fuck. Dude, I was at the airport flying back. I get to the Boston airport and the lady is checking me in. And you know, I have the, I don't like, the airports are changing so much. It's so annoying, dude. It's like, you get there and they're like, do you have your flally poot?

You're like, what's that? And you're like, oh, everyone's getting their flally poot. You gotta get it by the end of April. Otherwise you're gonna go to jail. And you're like, what? What is it? Yeah, you gotta go to the DMV. You gotta go to the DMV

and you gotta go to the specific one and you gotta survive the gauntlet on the way there. It's like, and you're like, oh, fuck, I gotta get another thing. Right? Now it's the real ID. They got every time you every step you take to somebody in the airport, like you remember the real ID, you gotta get your real ID. And you're like, dude, this is something that only Americans have.

And when you travel in America, you're going to need your real ID. And the only reason is so the government can make money. They want everybody to pay $40 to get a real ID because licenses aren't going to be used anymore. Okay. Why? Because want money. Okay. Fucking okay. So that's a thing now. Right. And it's going to be another thing soon, too. Right. But that's a thing now, right? And it's going to be another thing soon too, right? But that's the thing now. And so I get there and then they're doing the thing where it's like,

oh yeah, you go to check in and now you can't just check in. You got the people that are like, did you do the bag tag stuff? And you're like, huh? And they go, yeah, did you stop by the kiosk where you do the bag tag stuff? And you're like, huh? And they go, yeah, did you stop by the kiosk where you get the bag tags and put them on your bag? And you go, Oh, I work here now. This is my vacation, right? People are going literally on vacation. Now you have a job at the airport. Hey, you're hired. What? I'm trying to go to Hawaii. All good. You

need to work an hour or two before you get to the plane. So now I got to do the bag tag shit and I don't know how to do it. I do it every time and I don't know how to do it. Okay. So I go, Oh shit. All right. All right. She's gotta get the bag tag thing. I said, Oh, yeah, I'll get the bag tag thing. Get the bag ties, bring it up. And she's like, thank you so much. Okay, great. Uh, this is headed to and i said lax and she says okay and can i see her id give her my id she looks she looks at my id and she goes like this and i said what i did i give you like, I thought I gave her like, you know, my Pornhub subscription card.

She was like, oh my gosh, you know who you look like? And I'm like, oh, where is this going? She has my ID. And she says, do you know who you look like? She's reading my ID, so she's confirming the person in front of her is the person who has the ID. Okay? She's already gone like this.

Oh! And then she says, do you know who you look like? And I said, who? And I said, and she said, there's this comedian. And I go, oh no. Buckle up. I have to have this weird conversation right now. And she goes, she says, yeah, there's this comedian. Do anybody ever tell you you look like him?

And I say, the only thing I can say, I say, now remember, I'm me, okay? I don't know some, a lot of times people mix up bits from comedians and shit. Like people will come up to me and be like, that's so funny, the Hot Pockets bit. I'm like, that's Jim Gaffigan, you know? But people will be like, uh, so, so, so I'm, so I say to her, so she says, you look like this one comedian and then I say which comedian And I'm like you have my ID. I'm basically giving this to you on a silver platter Just look at it say that name and Tag my bags

But she doesn't she says There's a comedian that does this bit and I'm like, oh no. There's a comedian that does this bit. It's really funny. And it's, he talks about the differences between men and women and when they get drunk. And I just say, yeah, that, that's me I'm I'm I'm I'm Chris to Leah it says on the ID and she goes ah and I go yeah and she says then she Am your biggest fan What who am I you have my ID And you couldn't guess who I was.

You're my big, you're if you're my biggest fan, I suck. OK, and you know what? She was so sweet, like, obviously, I'm doing the whole thing, making it funny. But so I say, yeah, that's me. And she was like, oh, my God, my friends. I always reference that bit. That is that is me. And I talk about that all the time, my friends, I always reference that bit. That is me. And I talk about that all the time with my friends. And I say, okay, that's very sweet.

Thank you very much. I'm nice to her. And then next to her, the other person looks at me and says, was you on you? And I like, oh, the show, yep, yeah, I was on you. And then the first girl says, I know, isn't it crazy? I love that bit. And I'm like, nobody's on the same page.

So she gives me my ID back and she says, can, you know what, if it wasn't, if I wasn't at work, I would ask you for your picture. And I'm like, I will absolutely take a picture with you if it's cool with your work, I do not care. And she was like, really? I said, yep. And she took a picture and I left.

And I'm pretty sure she didn't post it. Maybe she did, maybe she just, you know, I do get a lot of, you know, notifications and stuff, but I'm just like... It is weird though, dude. And I'm not complaining. I love it. Obviously you want people to recognize you. That means you're doing a good job. That particular day, it was bonkers, dude.

Because you sit in the airplane, you're bored. And then you see the airplane people walk by and they're just like, hey, big fan, man. And then, and then the person in front of me will turn around and be like, who are you? Oh man, you know? And I'm not even like that famous. I, I, when I think of like the way they treat Justin Bieber and shit

fuck I don't know if you're if you're that like how is how has Tom Cruise only gone crazy? You know I'm saying like how is he only gone? You could see his face cracking. You know I'm saying but the Scientology or whatever saved him, I don't know what, you know? But my God, dude. I don't know. It's like, you know what? It's like, I'm telling you, it's like how the fa- you know how people are like, women

are crazy. Dude, of fucking course they are. How could you not be? Every guy you see wants to fuck you, dude. That would make me nuts. That would make me so paranoid, scared nuts. I would absolutely have whatever the beautiful mind is. Uh, uh, uh,

uh, Russell Crowe had in the beautiful mind is, uh, uh, uh, Russell Crowe had in the beautiful mind schizophrenia. Cause I need to make up friends that don't want to fuck me. I mean, dude, I don't know how every woman isn't straight up Hitler. Like the fact that they're, they're just, they can, they're, there are women that just have jobs and are, or are housewives and not trying to plot to take over the government or start a world war is insane because every guy growing up tries to fuck you. I would have lost my mind at 11.

I would have just been like, what, why does he react so weird? All right, I'm gonna blow up the world. I can't believe it. I mean, I truly can't believe it. So that's a little, you know, when you get some sort of notoriety, people treat you differently,

but at least you're, you know, it's not happening your whole life I mean if you're just a beaver it is but like you're 35 and it starts happening you all right These motherfuckers don't really like me. I get it Anyway, I Don't know why they they have to change it fucked me up because they have to change stuff To make you think that it's innovative.

Somebody told me that once. Like, they keep changing the iPhone because if they don't, they keep changing things about the iPhone because if they don't, then they won't be innovative. And sometimes they change bad things all in the name of progress just because they need to try and be innovative because if they don't you just you're not gonna like your iPhone anymore that's how big of an idiot we are it's how big of idiots we are so that's what they do with the real ID that's what they do with the fucking do

the I was in the plane I was on the plane yesterday and it had like a fucking strap that goes over my shoulder and I'm like since when dude What is this a Volvo? You know who makes this plane Mitsubishi Is this a pole star? Hey, dude We've been flying for a decade. No, a hundred years with just this. And now the guy comes up and says, I'm going to need you to put your strap, your shoulder strap on too. And you go, oh, you mean for you.

Oh, you mean the first 30 years I was flying I was being dangerous and you didn't say shit I go oh really I didn't know about these and he was like yeah so I put it on he walked away and I took it off We always talk about taking liberties, you know? And here we go. Kinda sneeze. Underwater. Not words. Not words. She's not alone. That works.

Oh! Oh! Like an hour ringing by the river Feeling it, feeling it Oh! Her favorite singer is Jewel, you know?

One, two, three, one, two, three, two, three Oh, this is Rihanna. Is it? See ya. Oh, see ya. More like see ya. Was that see ya? Yeah. Oh yeah. More like see ya. There's the door. Oh dude. Try to be so sexy with it! She hit that. Come on, she ate with that, dude. Three courses at least with that one and she knows she had it in her back pocket too. That was the thing. She could be like, I'm gonna get weird with it but it's my style. But when I get to that fucking, Hey, I'm hey, hi, or whatever the fuck it is. What does she say? I'm swinging from a chandelier. Hey,

dude, let's that's just, Oh, that was gangster, dude. Dude, she didn't even finish the... It was gangster enough to go, but she didn't finish the word, which was so dope, dude. Hang from the chandelier. Like an Indian man. Dude, uh... I wanna know, there's a type of guy, for real though, that you can't tell is Indian or Black, and that's my favorite guy. Because, because dude, sometimes you're like talking to the guy and you still don't get it. You're like, what? What bro? Hey, I understand my, I can comprehend all races except the one where you can't tell if someone, there is a certain type of either black or Indian guy that you can't tell if he's black or Indian.

It's like a spectrum, bro. It's unbelievable. Dude, it's funny dude, because that's just a piece of furniture, you know. But she's singing her heart out. Couch L shaped couch. Dude, lay on the pillows wrong on my couch on my L shaped couch. We took the travertines in and put them in the garage because my kids kept bonking their heads off them. And it's so fucking dangerous.

What year do we put them back? How old do they have to be when we put the travertine back? Anyway, the couch was too expensive. Why does it rip at the seams? Why does it rip at the seams? Dude, have you ever tried to put pillows back into a fucking pillowcase? Not from the bed on a couch. Dude, hey, get fucked. And I'll tell you, it's too hard. You're trying to put, it's like trying to shoehorn your limp dick into a dry.

Yes. Oh, dude. Radio edit. Radio edit. Your limp into the into a drive. Oh, dude, the radio edit. He's interesting. Dude, and the chandelier.

Oh, fuck, man. Hell. Yeah, he's firing on all syllables, bro And I am in a groove and I will tell you this much. I am free I am so free and I am so happy about being free and I thank you. I thank you. I thank you, I thank you people who are listening to me and showing up to shows. And I know that the comedy game is over saturated. You got people seeing all sorts of motherfuckers out there. I get it, and the fact that I can still show up in your city

and perform and just fucking, God, dush. And you know what? Thank you. You still tune into the podcast. Those of you who still tune into the podcast, still tune into the podcast.

I know there's a million other podcasts. I know Conan O'Brien has a podcast now. I know fucking, you know, two actors from The Sopranos have a podcast right now. There's podcasts about podcasts, okay? And the fact that you still click on congratulations with Chris D'Elia and listen to me just gah, doosh for an hour, I'm grateful, dude. And it's necessary for me. So thank you. Because I tell ya, if I didn't have this podcast, and if I didn't have my standup, holy shit,

my wife would be so annoyed. Because I would be doing too many bits, and I do anyway. My son, my two year old would be like, his first words would be like, too many bits. Dad, shut out. I mean, dude, it's just, I would be so annoying. One, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three.

Hey, sitting like a fat piece of shit on my couch, on my L shaped couch heating up some old pizza from four days ago in my microwave in my microwave it's too low mostly you should put microwaves up above something but it's too low if you have kids the kids will press the buttons and fuck it up round oh it doesn't it doesn't go oh now you have to manually push it cuz my kids hit too many bottoms I love you and I'll tell you bro the it was crazy about you bro the what's crazy about the internet what's crazy about YouTube what's crazy about you know X or whatever you want to call it Facebook is that I'm singing about my kids right now I'm singing about my

kids right now I'm 45 they're five and two and who even knows how many kids I'll have who even knows who knows because I'll tell you right now, if I hit the lotto, more. You know? I want to live very comfortably, okay? So if I hit the lotto or if all of a sudden, you know, your boys start like, forget it dude. If I had had if I was making a Matt Reif money more so I'm like doing good but dude who knows if I hit the lotto more so my point is you know I don't even know what my point was honestly but what I am going to say and I think it was my point but I'm'm not sure, but either way, I'm going to say

this now is I truly forget. I truly fucking forget what I was saying. And that's fine. Oh, I think it was something about how, however many kids I have, they'll be able to grow up and hear this, and that's just insane to me. And it's beautiful and it's weird. And I love you. You know what I mean? Uh, and just, you know, if you listen to this podcast, fast-forward to the racist part where I was talking about the guy you can't tell if he's Indian or black,

but other than that, fully listen to the New York story and fully listen to my camp betraying me and getting pizza a second night, even though I said I didn't want it. And that's doctrine, dude. Otherwise come see me on the road, crystallia.com. I am a road dog, dude. Bow wow wow

Yippee yo yippee. A I'm gonna be in your fucking city. I'm a road dog dude Goddamn love yous. Thanks sign up for my patreon patreon.com slash crystal. Ea. Thanks subscribe See ya Thanks, subscribe, see ya.