Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 443. Subculture

Episode Date: May 15, 2025

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RUNK! HAHAHAHA! RUNK! You know, it is congratulations episode time and I will say that I don't have water in my house so I didn't shower this morning and that's disgusting. Now a lot of people say that I look like I don't shower and that is let's see That's that's not smart to say okay And let me tell you this is because you're just judging me by how it Maybe my hair or how it looks or how you feel about me not true. I'm a very kept person I shower a lot. I shower daily at least once dude, right?

And so especially in the when it's getting hotter in the warmer months, and it is getting warmer in the warmer months, okay? It is May already, and I was in Atlanta. Now, I don't wanna call it hot Atlanta, but they do call it that, and one of the reasons is because it's too hot, and it was too hot there,

especially in Savannah, and I was there too, okay? And I took, you know, multiple showers when I was there and then I got home and when I got home, it was Mother's Day and, you know, I flew home early so I could be with the family on Mother's Day and then Kristen got in my car and backed over a pipe and it burst and the plumbing is gone. So that's what happened. And so the plumber's here now and we haven't had water for 24 hours. All good, right? You know I keep the Arrowhead bottles stacked. You know I keep them coming. I mean, I have more Arrowhead bottles of water than, I mean, honestly, a grocery store at this point. I just have so many because they keep on stacking. But so

I should just basically, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm working on how to not express. You know what, actually, I think if you're a real man and a real husband, you have to work on not expressing yourself, right? Isn't that true? I know that women would argue that and say I like a man who expresses himself and is very vocal But you don't do you right because the second I fly off the handle you cry Alright, and I can't fly off the handle. But what the heck? That's how I express myself Right. What do you want me to do paint now I'm pissed you broke the pie oh you broke the pipe oh god let me get

my god damn it let me get my paint bro let me get my easel no dude oh you broke the oh you broke the pipe oh dang well I will walk 500 miles and I will walk 500 more. What are you doing? Expressing yourself. No, I am mad. So I'm gonna scream. Let me scream, let me get it out, right? But no, I can't because I don't want, because even though women say they want a man

who expresses himself, they don't. And then so you don't, so you tuck it in and that becomes purified rage and anger for later on. And when you can't express that, it becomes absolute cancer. And so that's how you die. And it is what it is. They're blaming it on meat and like baloney and smoking. But what it really is,

is not being able to scream at your partner. So I don't express myself great. Got my nuts clipped all good. So now I just have to sit. This is what I have to do when she backs over a water pipe. Okay, that means we're not gonna have water, running water for a day. By the way, also, backs over it on a Sunday.

Hey, dude, it's Sunday. Can you wait? Can you wait to crash into the plumbing, please? Ha ha. So the plumber that comes can do the work because he can get his supplies because it's not Sunday. So when the guy comes, he doesn't come and say, yeah, you know what? I would be able to fix it, but the actual factory is closed where I usually get my

because it's five o'clock on a Sunday. And, um, dude, your boy turned the water off. Forget it. Your boy turned the water off. I mean, it was sprinkling like a geyser. Yeah, it was unreal. I mean, it was so much geyser that I thought it was the frigging front row to my show. You know what I'm saying, towels ladies. So, um, yeah, it's just she just crashed into it, got out and said, hey, I back in, I go outside,

dude, the geyser is just three feet. I go turn off the water. Okay. Did it. Plumber came, a white guy who speaks English, and you know, he's killing it out there right now. Just, you know, making it all better is gonna cost me a G.

So, all good. It's fine, you know, it is what it is, but then like, you know, I can't shower, and I'm, you know, I'm checking my pits, and I'm not, I don't smell. I'm lucky I don't smell. And dude, you know what's awesome? My face doesn't sweat. That's the best. I realized that recently.

My face just doesn't sweat and it won't. And my body sweats, but my face won't. Sounds like an R&B song. Your body sweats, your face won't. I love your dry face, bitch. So yeah. I wash my hands with bottled water. Wow.

What a end of times thing to do, right? But we do it. I was in, let me actually go over here. We got, I'm gonna be in Syracuse. I'm going to be in Hamilton, Ontario. I'm going to be in Chicago, Illinois, Kansas City, Missouri, St. Louis, Pittsburgh, Boise, Regina. I'm going to be in NEC this week, Winnipeg and Saskatoon

in neck this week Winnipeg and Saskatoon for some reason. Ontario, California, Dania, Florida, Irvine. Wow. He keeps it busy, dude. And I'm adding dates. Detroit. And I'm adding dates. So yeah, that's what's been going on with me. I was in, what do you call it? Atlanta and Savannah. Savannah was, I mean, dude, Savannah was like, there was a storm, okay? It was 85 degrees in Savannah, and then all of a sudden storm time.

I didn't understand what was happening. This is what was happening on my hotel window. And I go, Oh crap, dude, huge ants are running down my, the building. But then I realized it was hail and lightning, which by the way for some reason dude the West Coast just doesn't get lightning when it comes to lightning the West Coast is like no we'll just rain bro what's it all a lightning huh that's the West Coast talking to North Carolina or something. Dude, that's so loud. Just make it wet, bro. You guys do too much.

So it was lightning and thunder and flooding, dude. The thing I love about storms in not LA is that you can have a storm in and then after the storm Everything's okay Right everything's okay, you don't have to shut down the city Right because in LA if, if someone spills water, we have to shut down. If somebody is at a fucking brunch place, spills their iced water, we've got to shut down the freeways for a week. Right? Because it can't handle any rain,

precipitation it can't handle. That's what it can't handle, precipitation, right? And in another city like Savannah or anywhere, you know, it can rain hard and then the drains go, got it. The drains go, I got it. No worries, dude. The drains go, oh, dang. You know what?

All good, let me sweep this up real quick so we can all be a city. Got it. And LA just goes like this. So it's like, dude, let's just figure it out, LA. If you made the city wrong, just move the city up a little bit. And move each city up a little bit. Or down. You know, there's enough space out there where you could just...

I know it takes billions of dollars, but it's like, what else? What the fuck? We're not curing cancer. Right? We are not curing cancer, right? We are not. I found the most South African thing and it's spinning. Of course they did a thing about it on Vice probably and I don't know, I'm just guessing. But Vice is always like, let's go to South Africa and to end, you know, we're spinning South Africa.

Here, they get in cars and they, you know Vice did a whole fucking expose on this shit. We went to Johannesburg in South Africa to catch up with the spinning culture. You know, vice always starts something like, it's because of the, because of the, this disparage, you know, the, the, the money and the, it doesn't,

and the ghetto and that's what they did was, they created a whole culture spinning. We're just getting dizzy. Yeah, what we do is we get dizzy, spin around till we feel like, usually what we do is we get dizzy spin around till we feel like we usually what we do is eat lunch after that that's nice but this is spinning dude spinning dude subcultures bro vice when vice here's the word subculture they go dude when vice goes like this, this is vice, is this a subculture?

Is it a subculture? What dude? Nobody said subculture. Oh, okay, just let me know if anybody says anything about subcultures, we're gonna pop in, make a documentary real quick. If a fucking subculture, dude, if you're in a subculture and you look around and you see people's pants wet

Those people are the people that work for vice because they can't contain themselves, dude Bananas a subculture we sat down with the guy who's headed the spearheaded the subculture of banana Bananas deep so, banana guy. Basically, you know, it came from because we were downtrodden. Ha ha ha ha! And we were at the supermarket one day

and no women would fuck us, so we started banan-ing. Look at this, this is what spinning is. Oh, Vice goes, Vice sees this and they just, their pants get so wet. My first time going to a spinning event was... Ehhhh. A ghost. My first time going to spin even. When I was five years old.

Too young? I was bullied a lot in high school. Well, okay. Your timeline is going back and forth, but it's all good. Maybe it's like a turn to you, nothing. I was like, I had no self-confidence. And when I... Alright, let's go to spinning.

Oh, dude. Oh. Alright, let's go to spinning. Oh, dude. Oh Oh Dude, I gotta set this on the thing These dudes this is just they get in the cars and you know what they do They just fucking go nuts. They put the parking brake on hit the gas they hit all the things and then they then they sit out the windows and the sun roofs and just fucking relax and lounge out and dude it's I mean people must die so much during spinning but that's a South African thing. Spinning is South African. spinning is South African.

There is no, when you think of spinning, you think of South African. And it started with subculture, Vice. Did you say subculture? Dude, hey, we're Vice. We just wanted to know if there were any subcultures around. Uh, I don't know. We've got some guys playing cards over there. Really? Really? Where over there? It's just two guys. You guys play cards. You're starting a subculture. Uh, well, I don't know. I didn't think about it. Could you? I mean, I guess so. Ah, hey, dude, can we get this on camera? So we sat down with the guy who started this subculture and playing cards at Starbucks in Van Nuys. That's every Vice documentary. Oh, it's a subculture? Dude, he's like, I used to have this guy, the friend, I guess he's still my friend, but he would, he would, just how he would join conversations. We'd be talking, dude, he was so insecure, but we'd be talking and he would come into the conversation

and this is how he would come into the conversation. He'd go like this, me? And we were like, what? Dude, we'd be talking about vacuum cleaners and he'd pop his head and just be like, me? And we're like, huh? Hey, we're not talking about you. Oh, okay, just checking in.

That's what Vice is like. Subcultures? Ha ha ha. Subcultures? Yeah, we're talking about how N1 started. Ah! Ha ha ha. Sorry, you guys talking about subcultures?

Oh, uh, yeah. Is itures? Oh, I... Yeah. Is it anywhere near a bodega? Yeah. Ah! Vice... If Vice gets through a fucking... God damn it, dude. If Vice gets through a documentary without a woman referencing...

Outside of a bodega, we talk to... Dude! Ah! a woman referencing a, we, outside of a bodega, we talked to, dude. Ah, that's fucking vice, dude. Yeah, dude, it's just like. We came across the twisty, twisty mustaches subculture here in Austin, Texas. And we sat down with some twisty, twisty mustaches subculture here in Austin, Texas. And we sat down with some twisty mustache guys that work at a, as baristas in some, in a place right outside of Austin, which is like the cool upcoming downtrodden

subculture. Fucking bodega. I mean, it's just not anyway, I'm, you know,'m talking about it too much, but that's what kind of what I do Wow Tony Tony Lane's got stabbed in prison or what? I don't know man. I know it's weird the way people are very negative Don't be stabbing. Speaking of which, man, you know how many things I can't watch on TV because people get stabbed or shot?

You realize that when you have kids. You're like, oh, okay, I can't watch this because of the fucking... I guess death is on every show. Death is on every show. I mean, granted, my son can't watch a fucking, you know, we watched some videos of a kid doing slick back, which is the fucking dance. You know what I'm talking about? Dad, look, slick back.

He'll do that. And then the kid does slick back. And then there was one video where the kid was doing slick back. There was a little bit of AI involved. And Calvin goes like this, this is skelly and then didn't sleep all night. So it's good.

So it's like, you know, dude, I got, actually what I, what I wanted to talk about was I've been super tired, like three times, like tired to where I was. I was tired to where I was delusional, and not delusional, seeing things, whatever, whatever you say, three times in my life. And yesterday was one of them. One time it was when I was a kid and I was walking to Georgie's Pizza with some friends and I thought some old man came up to me and asked something and then my friend said, what, who are you talking about? And I realized I was just so tired, okay? Another time was I was on a road trip with one of my friends to Texas. It was late at night and I thought there was a flaming pumpkin that hit the windshield. It didn't happen, all right?

Yesterday, it was when I got home from Atlanta and I tried to watch the new Netflix thing about the American marriage and my kids were playing and in front of me, they were playing and I had this out of body experience where I couldn't understand that this was my life. And I was like, I don't know, I don't know. And I was like, I don't know. And I was like, I don't know. And I was like, I don't know. thing about the American marriage and my kids were playing and in front of me they were playing and

I had this out of body experience where I couldn't understand that this was my life and I couldn't believe that these kids were real and that I was actually living in this family and I and I and I and my heart started beating very fast and then I realized I needed to go to bed. and then I realized I needed to go to bed. So I went upstairs, went to bed at nine o'clock, dude. Nine o'clock and woke up at 6 45. He did it, dude. And it was so and I had so many dreams that I don't even know how many. I had so many dreams, dude.

And I woke up feeling so weird. And I still feel weird and unshowered. You understand? Um... Uh... Guys, um... My... I just went out to go to the bathroom and my wife is just watching the Karen Reed trial.

She is on the jury, I guess, because she cannot stop watching every second of it. Karen Reed, first of all, we saw this documentary on Max, A Body in the Snow, The Trial of Karen Reed. And it's like, you know, I watch, you know what, I watch these documentaries, like where you, you, you, you turn them on and you see the, uh, the, the person that they're saying killed someone and you're like, Oh, well, they didn't do it. And then two episodes in, you're like, Oh, they did it. And then three episodes in,

you're like, Oh, maybe they didn't do it. And then by the end you're like, Oh, there's compelling arguments for both sides. And like, I don't want to have to, I, I, I like it really bothered. Here's the thing. Okay. When, when it's too hard, right? Like you got that defense lawyer, the guy who's just like, Mr. I mean, the guy is like so good at what he does. I can't remember his name, but he's just like, he's basically, basically what it is with him is no matter what anyone's saying, he replies with the, well, I fuck your bitch way of whatever the law is in that sense, right?

Like they'll be like, well, what about the taillights? The red broken taillight was in the snow. And he'd be like, it doesn't matter. I fucked your bitch. And people go, fuck, he did though. Because the guy is just so, let me tell you something too. He's a whatever looking dude. That guy lays it down in

the bedroom what's his name who's the defense attorney for karen reid karen reid defense defense a team here we go um alan jackson dude first of all has got the name of a fucking baseball player in 1989, a black guy, right? Alan Jackson takes the bat. Having a bit of a career moment here from Minnesota, people are calling him the next Kirby Puckett, although hopefully he won't die early. And so Alan Jackson just is just... I think that's the guy, right?

Is that his name? Images? Alan Jackson. Alan Jackson. But is he the fuck your bitch guy? Okay. Oh, now that's a country song. Right. Defense. That's him, dude. And so he looks like a little bit like a lizard,

like a gecko or something, not particularly attractive, but I guarantee you being with him is the sexiest shit in the world. I guarantee you, because he's so headstrong and he so knows what's up that there's no way he doesn't know what's going on with the bean in the bedroom, right? no way he doesn't know what's going on with the bean in the bedroom, right?

Alan Jackson steps up to the bedroom, walks in nicely, very assertive, not aggressive, but assertive, finds the bean on the bedroom, on the bed, flicks it nicely, slowly but assertive, on the bed, flicks it nicely, slowly but assertive, and he's inside. Three pumps away, and Alan Jackson releases. Insemination. Carefully taking himself out. You know, Alan Jackson hailed from, right? In college, Alan Jackson got dome a lot. So when he went to San Diego State, he was the dome getter, they called him the dome getter, flicked the bean nicely there. Touching right under the taint lightly, making it nice. Touching right under the taint lightly, making it nice. I'm sorry, but dude, Alan Jackson, if there is no baseball player named Alan Jackson,

I mean, that's, there's no, in the nineties or eighties, there's no way. Alan Jackson slides inside. There we go. A little bit of a tug on the hair to get a, just to get a grip from the base of the hair gotta pull it by the base to make sure that they know you're in charge if you pull it from outside of the base Alan Jackson has been known to say it just hurts flick the bean nicely slides in grabbing the base of the hair. Now, you got to be careful. If it's a black woman, it might be a weave and flick to be nicely.

So, but anyway, hell from getting dome in San Diego. But anyway, the guy lays it down. He walks like a ball player in the bedroom. So, but the point is, is that he knows what's up, dude. When you want somebody to defend you, you got, you know what? I want him to defend me. If I have a hockey team, go play goalie.

Play goalie and only use words. It'll still be three, two. You know what I'm saying? Like... The puck will be coming in, and he'll just be standing there. Objection, and the puck goes down, never mind, and goes out, no goal! But my wife can't stop watching the Karen Reed trial, like she's one of the 12 fucking jurors, and, I don't, here's the thing, dude.

You know, I, I wouldn't know who Karen Reed is if it wasn't for, uh, my wife because you know, and I'm watching the documentary and I'm like, she, she, she maybe did it. Okay. But then here's the thing. If you're the cops and you fuck up too much, guess what? Whoopsie daisy, they get away with murder. You fucked up too much.

Is it Boston? Are they in Boston? Did Karen Reed? Babe, are they in Boston? Basically can. Cause they're just like so you do Boston cops. Do you know how much they fucking do dirty shit there from Boston? Haven't you seen the movies with Matt Damon every eighth movie with Matt Damon in it? He's a place a cop who's crooked.

That's like, oh, I just put a put all the evidence in the locker there. We'll have him pick it up. Alan Jackson goes actually no in the locker there. We'll have him pick it up. Alan Jackson goes, actually, no. Flick the B nicely. That can't be used in evidence now. Dude, if Boston cops, the Boston PD fucked up. They erased text messages.

You can't do that, Boston PD. She's off. Did she kill him guess what doesn't matter the boston pd the canton pd whatever they got bean flicker alan jackson here turning turning them around grabbing the what are the cut what are the what are the i mean alan jackson is fucking him up i swear to god dude if this woman goes to jail I swear to God, dude, if this woman goes to jail, I don't even care if she killed someone.

Uh, the cops fucked up. What's the cop in the Karen, in the Karen Reed trial? The one that was just like talking about how, uh, Michael Proctor fired for misconduct because he called the fucking lady retarded or whatever. Yeah, she was retarded. What could I say? Sorry, am I not going to be a cop anymore? Well, it wasn't my fault. I thought, you know, she had a fucking, she thought she had a learning disability, my bad. Dude, and then, and then, and then, and then was, as long as this doesn't get to the beanflick, I think we're gonna be all right, British.

But the guy who was like, you know, cops, when they, here's the thing, text message chains, if it's a text message chain, it should never be allowed to be in the court at all. You say shit on text message chains that you would never say in real life. There's something about that disconnect where it's like, I'm not talking to one person and also I'm not even really saying it. I'm just texting it. Fuck it.

Who cares? Yeah, she's retarded, send. You know Because because they don't they just Did you go? Hey so far no, no nudes in a phone. That's what they were saying Yeah, she killed someone got a phone so far no nudes and then fucking Michael Proctor or Yuri boatenek was just like like like fucking hearted it yeah I'm gonna hot that actually she's retarded but I'm gonna

hot that didn't get to see a tits yet but I'm gonna hot it now hopefully it doesn't get to the bean flicker because if it gets to the bean flicker we're gonna have to answer for these these group text messages should be alright though we're brothers you know the fucking boston the boston massachusetts pd imagine having to fucking spend two three full days of of of of of being a witness for the prosecution another one that's him i I did two already. Goddamn beanflicker. Dude, the beanflicker. The beanflicker starring fucking who? Timothy Chalamet as Alan Jackson.

Kevin Albert, a Canton police officer, was suspended for three shifts. Dude, these guys just get suspended. These are people's real lives, man. These are people's real lives. And the cops are just like, oh, delete it. Who cares? Yeah, if you kill someone and the cops fuck up that badly, that's a lotto ticket. You're done.

And who's the lady that won't stop, the lady that looks like a school teacher that won't stop talking about it? What's her name? The girl you watch. Emily D. Baker? Baker? I mean, she's cool, you know, she's good. She used to be a prosecutor, I guess.

And she's just got now she's got purple hair instead. She's just breaking it down. Crazy dude, now she's gonna be like a famous, she's just an American legal commentator podcast, so it's an former deputy district attorney. Hell yeah, dude. Who? She got famous for doing what?

Oh, the Johnny Depp heard case. Yeah. Yeah. Well she supports the truth. So Amber Heard's a lunatic. All good. Get the bean flicker in there. He would have fucking toasted Amber Heard.

You shit on the bed. Did you shit on the bed? I rest my case, your honor. Oh, wait. No, he's not the fucking Boston guy, but he's sexy. Did you or did you not literally shit the bed your honor no further questions I don't know though I just like all this shit like them it's crazy how time changes And like with the Menendez brothers, time

just changed and society is like, No, nevermind. Let them out. Just because 15 years happened or 2030 years happened 30 I think. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You killed your parents. Hey, you killed your parents. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey What happened? Yeah. Okay. Terrible childhood. Great. A lot of people have terrible childhoods. Guess what happens? They don't talk to their dad or mom. They don't fucking push their wigs back 30 years. You get 30 years for that. And now just because TikTok went crazy with them and then does brothers were like, yeah, but we don't know what happened in their childhood. Okay. Can't push your dad's wig back.

The Bean Flicker. Get the Bean Flicker in there, dude. The Bean Flicker. Starring fucking, um, who's the guy from the first Hunger Games? That short guy. The fucking guy. You know. The fucking guy who's then turns into wood for a little bit. On that fucking movie. God damn it.

What's his name? This is the trailer. Googling Hunger Games cast. Josh Hutcherson. Josh Hutcherson, even though it should be Hutchinson. Josh Hutcherson. Josh Hutcherson in The Bean Flicker. The true story of Alan Jackson, of how he gets people off and gets people off. The Bean Flicker. I'm coming in the bedroom and I'm gonna lay it down. The Bean Flicker.

I'm coming in the courtroom and I'm gonna lay it down. The Bean Flicker starring Josh Hutcherson, even though it should be Josh Hutchinson, and also starring fucking that one fucking Hailey Steinfeld as fucking Karen Reed and Jack Quaid's in it too because he's got to be in it because it's a thing that's out um damn yeah group chats are crazy dude you'll just say some crazy shit, aren't you? I kinda, I, you know... I'll tell you this much, I don't give a fuck if my group chat gets out.

Who cares? I'm free. I'm free. It's so nice to be, like... not worrying about fucking... what do you call it? Getting canceled. God, it's so nice. I feel so badly for these fucking cuck comedians and actors and shit.

I mean, like getting canceled sucks, but like, God, the people who get through it, they could just do whatever they want. It's just so free. I can't imagine listening to a comedian who's supposed to tell it like it is That has like deals See ya Um

Anyway, check out that can read trial I guess It's also like fucked to see like trials on TV and shit. Like are we gonna be able to see the ditty trial? On TV, dude? No one's gonna get shit done for however long that trial goes. I mean, dude, are you kidding me? People are gonna be like late on their taxes.

And then the cops are gonna be like, the FBI is gonna be like, oh, they didn't, they didn't do it. They, they, they didn't pay. Oh, fuck it. The CIA. Oh, we were watching the ditty trial. Whoever the president is by that time when the trial happens. Oh yeah. They're fucking sorry. I was watching the ditty. Sorry. I hit the red button. I leaned on it when I was watching the ditty trial. Anyway, there's no more Russia, but they didn't even notice they were watching the Diddy trial. Are you kidding me, bro?

I'm not, this podcast is stopping when that happens. So are all my other podcasts. I'm done touring. I need to see Meek Mill take the stand, sweetie. I'm sorry. I can't do date night. I'm sorry, babe. Meek Mill is on the stand. My bad. I didn't load the dishes. They're talking about how when he fucking took the picture with the French fries on his ashy knees. My bad. Even the therapist was like,

I mean, it was a crazy picture. You have to admit, Kristen. There's so much shit to just be like watching that I don't even know how anything is. Like you can be, you can have a successful show nowadays and nobody sees it, right? Like there's shows that have been on, dude, there's a show that's been on for 17 years

that I just found out about yesterday and I can't remember what it's called. That's how, whatever it is. I can't even remember what it is. It's a British show. Granted, it's probably big in Britain, but like, how does that happen? There's just 17 seasons of a show out there.

Like it's been running since I was 25. Where the fuck have I been? We must be living in the matrix. We must be living in the matrix because there's nothing makes sense, dude. Money? Cell phones? Oh, God. I got this thing here I saw actually.

This is crazy. I don't know what's more... Well, cringe is like a thing... I don't know if this is cringe. Cringe is like a thing that really makes you feel something in your chest, you know? At least for me. I think people overuse that word for sure. Like, oh, it's cringe. It's like, no, it's not. But this... I don't remember if this is or not,

but I remember it made me feel something really weird. I've been wanting to speak to you now for two years. It's Elon Musk at a conference or something, and he's taking questions, I guess, and this dude is in the audience. And now he's got his shot, his turn. To talk to you, to tell you that I'm also a super genius like yourself. Dude, here's the deal. If you're a genius, figure out a genius way to go about getting his attention, not this high. Um, dude, this is so like...

All right. Okay. Also, I can't imagine someone worse at dealing with something like this than Elon Musk, but let's see. I'm not sure I'm one, but all right. Okay, the good response, I'm not sure I worse at dealing with something like this than Elon Musk, but let's see. I'm not sure I'm one, but alright. Okay, the good response. I'm not sure I'm one, but alright. No, I'm sorry. I'm not. I'm just saying to serious. This is to all benefit is test the shareholders in the world.

I am a capitalist like yourself. I am also level two stage. I've been waiting for 10 years. Level two stage what? Is he dying? Level two stage what? I don dying? Level two stage what? I don't know. Now for someone. Someone to give me a second look. Now for someone to give me a second look. And if they did, they would see a very advanced mind

in front of them. Oh dude. To say you have a very advanced mind is just... You know, maybe he, look for the advanced mind, maybe that's just something that like, you know, cut through the bullshit and that'll really get the, I mean, this guy's gonna be so embarrassed now. Hold on.

So I'm asking you today, can you give me a second look? Nope. That's me. If I did the thing. Nope. Next. Just did. Nope.

Next. Just did. The answer is still no. Next. We still don't know next. Why don't you give a second look at my first look where I said no. Okay, I mean, I'm not sure what... The second look can work. I'm not sure it worked.

Yeah, and lost it. And derailed. Second look, okay. Second look on... Just fucking off the tracks. Just had it, had the upper hand and then okay yeah i'll hire you can't like has to just hire him now are you yeah i would like to come on board as vice chairman of tesla you know the the the fucking nut sack on this guy and how everyone laughs and he doesn't.

He's just like, failing to see the humor in it, even if you are an advanced mind and should be the VP chairman of Tesla. See the humor in it. Well, we don't really have a vice chairman's butt, but yeah, I mean, I think that's, you know, I don't think I have to say no. Dude. I'm probably sorry. I'm sorry.

I can also apply for a future CEO position, but at least I would like to come on the board of directors. At least. I could also apply for future CEO position, but at least, at least I would like to come on the board of directors. At least. I apologize. Is it to the benefit of Tesla shareholders? I think we need to move on to another question. Dude, fuck that guy. That sucks to make somebody do it.

Elon was kind of cool back then You know, it's like when when you're remember when You were to dork and it not not Elon even just like and it was okay Yeah, like Zuckerberg and Elon remember they were just dorks And didn't have like sunglasses? Remember that was okay. That was dope. Why do you need to be like in the UFC? We have UFC guys for that.

Are the guys from UFC creating Facebooks? No. Because it would be absolutely terrible if they did. Just like it's terrible that you got sunglasses. Zuckerberg got a bigger shirt, you know? That's all that really happened. He got a bigger shirt, a gold chain and let his hair grow out. And and and and we're supposed to be like, oh, OK. All right, bro. Oh, that talk about talk about fucking cringe, Jesus. I remember they were cool. It was cool. It was fine. They were dorky.

They had Elon Musk had no hair remember that he had no hair and now he's just It's because of the whole fucking Man in. The super left made it so even dorks can be cool now. That's what happened. The super left, the super woke made it so now dorks are getting pussy. Dude, and I don't mean actually getting that, no, right, they're not because they're married or whatever. I mean, I guess Elon Musk is splurting in everyone.

He's got so many kids. But like, you know, they're activating people. They're activating people. Hey, look, what's his name? Mark Zuckerberg did it, man. He created Facebook, and now everyone's got the Instagram and meta and Facebook, and now what's his name? Mark Zuckerberg did it, man. He created Facebook and now everyone's got the Instagram and meta and Facebook and now he's get to choose the personality he wants to have because of Facebook,

because he can just promote his own personality. What the fuck, bro? Remember when you had to walk into a room of people and develop that? You had to walk into a room of people. I had to go to a new school when I was in seventh grade and I had to convince people I was cool. You know, you don't even have to do that anymore.

You can just have a page online and be like, oh dude, I'm at a new school. Oh yeah, but are you cool? Here, this is how cool I am. Check out this. Look at my page online. Remember yeah, but are you cool here? This is how cool I am. Check out this. Look at, look at, look at my page online. Remember when you had to just fucking walk into a new courtyard and be like, fuck, I hope they like my haircut.

Fuck. I hope my style is acceptable to all these bitches. I'm 12. You know, and now you could just get followers. You know move cross-country and be like, oh, I'm not the shit. I've got 5,000 followers you dork. Shit. The game has changed dude. These dorks are supposed to be dorky.

They figured it out using dorkness. They figured it out using the, dude, the dorker rhythm is what it really is, dude. They got the dorker rhythm activated, and now, you know, now we have to act like Elon Musk. Do you know what I'm saying? Now we have to act like it's OK for Zuckerberg to wear a boxed T. Put on a shirt, you buy at the airport. And talk about smoked meats. Right?

Oh, dude, you got Ramoa luggage or whatever the fuck that company is. Hey, man. Get a Tommy Hilfiger backpack, a shirt you bought at the airport, and sit in a rolly chair. God damn it, dude. We fucking had it. We had it, cool dudes. We fucking had it. And now I got to listen to fucking Elon Musk in a slim fit goddamn blazer with a, you know, box T under it and fucking blue jeans.

God damn it. We had it, dude. We had it. Cool dudes had it. Cool it we had it dude we had it cool dudes had it cool dudes fucking had it until the dork a rhythm and me too those things cross it was like the fucking god dude hey if dude how about who's the guy from guns and roses I saw an interview with him the other day and he was like, man, I just fucked to fuck. I fucked, you know how guys like sports?

I like fucking. Dude, you can't say that now. And you directly can't say that because Mark Zuckerberg let his hair grow out. Fuck you. You dude, hey, get in a rolly chair, get in a fucking rolly chair. God, thank God for Bill Gates, dude. Just dorking it all up still.

Just being the fucking dork he has to. still just being the fucking dorky has to to keep cool dudes scooping it up because God dude what is this dork cool guy? It's unbelievable, bro. Get in a fucking rolly chair, dude. Get in a fucking Roli chair, dude. Now what cool dudes, what are they? What are cool dudes now? I mean, guys who play sports, forget it. Who cares? I mean, unless you're at the top of your game, right? But who cares? I mean, I was like, dude, I was like, I mean, you know, look, I'm not, I'm no fighter or

anything, you know, but I was like talking to Kristen about like, you know, Hey, if this was the fucking eight hundreds, you know, would you be with me? And she was like, yeah. And I was like, no, you wouldn't. I have to like kill food. She's like, I mean, I don't know. Maybe I'd have to like get like, I'm like, this sucks though, dude. And here's the other thing too.

Maybe I could win her over with my personality, but only because the only reason why I can do that now is because there's beds, you know? Like back then you were all sleeping on twigs and rocks and shit. And no matter how charismatic you were, this fucking, they still had like, they were they were uncomfortable hey get my food asshole oh dude you're funny great I'm hungry and there's twigs up my

ass when I sleep right so I'm lucky I came along when beds came along so I could fucking scoop it up and have a great family I'm lucky I came along when beds came along so I could fucking scoop it up and have a great family. I'm lucky. Right? But that's the balance. You know, being cool and also, uh, you know, manly and also have a mind. Great. Cool. Good. That's where you're supposed to like, you know, guys like that excelled for a while now any motherfucker with a meta page and a boxed tea Can just Pretend they're cool guys. What are you doing? What do you do? What are you letting them do? Hey women

Stop letting them lay you down dude because. Cause I'll tell you what, it doesn't matter for me anymore. I'm out the game. I'm married. We're good. Okay. I'm not out there in the single life competing with these dudes. I'm all good. I got the life. I got the kids. I got the wife, but you're going to let a dude who's supposed to be whipping around in a rolly chair buy some tinted glasses and just have a podcast and wet you up? Think! I've never made so much sense. Ever.

If I was in a courtroom right now saying this as a defense lawyer, my client would be off the hook. They'd extend their life. You're making too much sense, dude. He's actually making too much sense about the box tee and the rolly chairs. I understand, but it's, we got to let you off. And also we're giving you, we're going to get in touch with Jesus Christ and he's going to give you 10 extra years. You know, and I just do it for the realness. I do it for the love of the game. I do it

because I'm out to game. I told you, I have a beautiful life. Whoopsie daisy. I was sporting forever and now I'm chilling. I was out the Learjet scooping up wetness. Now I'm chilling. I have no stake in the game, but you are letting the dudes in the, and I know I get it, dude. People are, you know, it's like,

how long can I talk about this? But I can talk about it as long as I fucking want to because I'm me and this is my podcast. I asked dude. God damn it, dude. I swear to God. And I'm telling you right now, I swear to God, if a tech guy gets one more cool haircut, I'm going to lose my mind.

Get a maroon button down shirt with regular jeans, tuck in the shirt, get a braided belt, get some new balances, not ones that came out in the past five years a braided belt, get some new balances, not ones that came out in the past five years, put them on, get in a fucking rolly chair, and work. Hey, luck out when you get pussy. Luck out. luck out.

But it's, you know, it's the same thing as the woman, uh, you know, the dudes letting these fucking idiot women just win at life because they're bouncing around. You know? What is a strong woman nowadays? Anything they want to be? No, pick one. A strong woman is either a woman that has values and morals

and can rock the workplace or someone who doesn't give a fuck how many hot dogs are thrown in them. It's not whatever they want. It's whatever. Society has to make a decision here. Okay. If you want the strong independent woman to be the only fans worker or the, or, you know, or, or to commit stroke athons on camera,

that's fine. Then also, you know what? Shut the fuck up when the game is on! You know what I'm saying? I don't even like sports! But like pick one! What's the boss bitch? What's the boss bitch? What's the boss bitch? You want to work hard and do the thing? Then fine then.

Oh, then don't be mad when you're 35 and you can't find a man. You're a lawyer! So what's the boss bitch then? So what's the boss bitch then? 35 and you can't find the man. You're a lawyer. So what's the boss pitch then? You had a stroke a thon until you're 28 and now you're mad because the patriarchy won't let you, you know what I mean? The patriarchy won't let you stay in the fucking kitchen. Now you're mad. You had a stroke a thon until you were 32.

And that's our fault. It's the same thing as letting Mark Zuckerberg get in a fucking boxed tee with a dookie chain and a fucking dope pants that Kendrick Lamar would wear and New Balance that came out this year when he should be in a fucking rolly chair. You know what I mean? Dude, get it together, nation. I'm running for president. Me, ah. for president me. Ah, like I got to sit here and act like fucking Mark Zuckerberg putting on a dookie chain is is in a moral travesty. Right? You know, dude? I'm just, I am beside myself.

I see Mark Zuckerberg in a fucking dookie chain, and I look to my right, and there I am. It's just unreal. And I'm not, dude, please understand this. I guess I get jealous at some things. This isn't that dude. I'm out the game, bro. I'm out the game bro. I've gotta watch Elon Musk

wearing sunglasses in an interview? Dude. Who's in charge Tessa? I don't know man. That's the reason Bruce Wayne doesn't exist you know? He's Batman. You gotta pay fucking ten dollars to see him or wait till he comes on the streaming service. You don't actually buy electric cars from him because he doesn't exist.

Fuck, man, he makes too much sense. He gets 10 extra years. Anyway, dude, you know, I'm done. But thank you very much. I appreciate you. Get tickets to my show. I'll be where you are soon. ChrisLeah.com. Thank you. Hey, ah! AHHHHH