Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 444. I Would Be A Wife

Episode Date: May 22, 2025

This week Chris has a compelling argument for his hypothetical life as a lady. Plus Musk on simulation theory, sailing with your cat, and international exchange rates. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Groceries that over-deliver. RUNK! A... it's... congratulations, the podcast. The podcast version of Congratulations the Word. Hey, what's up? Um, I was, uh, I'm sorry about the knees, dude. You know what? I should change the name of this podcast called, called sorry about the knees dude. You know what I should change the name of this podcast called called sorry about the knees Because I've been wearing shorts and my knees have been up on the seat and my knees bony, dude But I don't know I

I think about maybe trying to work my legs hard and I do work my legs hard now has it been 13 days since I worked out? Yes. However, that's because I've only been on the road and it's been very hard and also was sick a little bit. Now, does that, you know, could I have still worked out? Yes. Am I always constantly traveling? Yes. Do I have 25 days off of the road? Yes, dude, except for Ontario, I'll be in Ontario, California. Um, and I'll be in a, but, but that doesn't mean, by the way, that doesn't mean don't go get your tickets now to Fort Lauderdale, which is happening in 25 days for Lauderdale, Florida.

I'm back, dude. I can't wait to be in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. I love performing there. I'm going to be there. Go to Chris. Uh, I got actually a lot of club dates coming up because I did not book a tour for the summer. And then I decided I wanted to work in the summer and I decided I wanted to work in the summer too late.

So I checked comedy clubs to do open dates because it's easier to fill those than it is to get theaters. Theaters you need like a way in advance. So St. Louis, I'll be there at the helium comedy, Indianapolis at helium comedy. I'm doing these helium comedy clubs because this dude hooked me up.

The guy helped me, the owner or the manager. I don't know if he's the owner or the manager, but he helped me in, I was in Portland. I didn't, I, something happened where I couldn't, my opener couldn't come and he hooked me up because he found somebody So shout out to you And then Irvine which is my favorite one of my favorite places but it was so chrystalia.com and Yeah, chrystalia.com multiverse tour and

I Am sorry about the knees. Sorry about the knees Saboni. I have like, I was in Canada. I had merch there. I have merch when I go on tour, you know, and I sell it. And it's only merch you can get on tour.

And Canada is just like, and I sell it and it's only merch you can get on tour. Canada is just like, once you go to a... Canada is another country, it's one of those other countries that's not really another country, and then you go to it and you forget it's another country, and then there are parts that will make you realize, oh yeah, it is another country. It's the kind of thing like when you realize Kevin Spacey's gay. Like you didn't know, and then when you found out you're like, oh wait a minute, yeah, I guess that, yeah, yes, yes,

he does smash men. And you go, uh, and then you forget probably if you hang out with him, you probably forget and you go, Oh yeah, yeah. Oh, we were just having dinner, but then, Oh, that's right. He started talking about the curtains or whatever. And you go, yeah, yeah, that's right. That's what it's like being in Canada. It's the, you realize it's another country version of, uh, Kevin Spacey is gay. And if that makes any sense. And so, uh, so, uh, I,

you forget that you're in Canada and then things happen where it's like, okay, gonna sell my merch and they go, Oh, what platform do you use? And you go square. And they say, Oh, we use some bullshit like parlez-vous blah, blah, blah. And you're like, oh, I don't what? And then you know you're just gonna get wrecked on the taxes. So you go, nevermind, I just, I want cash.

So just have them cash. So we only used cash, which means I made way less money on the merch because people don't have cash because it's 2025 which is fine, okay? However, I brought it home. And before I put it into the bank, Calvin was like running around with it because it's different colors,

Canadian money. Yeah. I mean, it was like, it, it amounts into like $400 American, you know, it looks great cause it's all Canadian. There's so much of it. It was probably less, but um, you know, it's like when you go to, uh, Mexico and they're like 70 gajillion pesos and you go, I'm rich and they say, no, that's $8. And you're like, oh, by the way, once money gets to be that not expensive, start trading things, you know, right? Like in Japan, 20 billion yen is, you're like,

yeah, let me get a small fries and a burger. And they're like, yes, 20 million yen. And you're like, oh, just start trading stuff. Money isn't worth it anymore. You know? I don't know if Japan's probably got good with money. I have no idea. I'm not cultured, but like, you know, probably in Russia,

or no, maybe not Russia, but like somewhere, Turkey, I don't know where you know what I have a I have an actual uh I have an I have an actual thought and I think that this is true I think guys from Turkey men from Turkey are probably if you quantified it the sexiest men alive no that's it that's all I'm saying about it I'm not I, I am, I am not elaborating on it. I am just saying that and that's it. Okay. I don't even really honestly, I've never been to Turkey and they probably have some ugly dudes there too, but let's get back to the money thing. Um, yeah. So it's colorful money. So Calvin's running around with colorful money and he keeps saying, I'm having a money party. And I'm like, this is not okay for a kid to be doing, right?

You know, am I making a ho? Like, thank God it's not a, if it was a, I'll tell you what, if I had a baby girl, they wouldn't be doing that, you know? Call it sexist, call it whatever, but I'm not making no ho, you know what I mean? I'm not making no ho. I don't know if the... Yeah, but start trading things, dude. Oh shit, really? Something is 12 billion pesos? All right, you know what? Never mind. Here's an

iguana. Like, or here's some boots that have done me well over the time. What size are you? Oh, you're a size 13 too? Here are some boots. There you go. I'll trade that for this really cool chair I'm going to put in my living room. Because dude, let's see, what's the dollar or what money, what is the least valuable. Here we go. The Iranian real. So $1 equals $371,922 reals. Hey, Iran, start trading things. 1922 reals Hey Iran Start trading things

Dude, it's poor Hey, yeah, dude. Can how much for a lighter? Oh 20 good jillion bajillion reals. Oh cool. Well, never mind Here's a box of band-aids instead. Do you need them? Hey, so let's see the top 10 worst. Let's see the top 10 worst. Strongest and weakest currencies in the world. Okay, so here we go. This is from some woman that has a blog, so it's obviously true. Lebanese pound. Okay, so they're so it's obviously true. Lebanese pound.

Okay, so they're saying that's least then, that's less than the Iranian real. Vietnamese dong, change it. And then the, dude, the Vietnamese dong? Hey man, how much is one dollar? Wait, we gotta see. What is Vietnamese Dong to dollar? So dude, okay, wow. Wow! One Dong in Vietnam is 0.000039 cents. So wait, how many, how many dongs, dongs, let me up with the pornhub. How many dongs, whoops, that's pornhub is, is equals equals one dollar. How many dongs equal $1?

So, okay. Well, no, it's, I want to do the opposite of this. Come on, dude. One Vietnamese dong. one dollar so okay well no it's i want to do the opposite of this come on dude one vietnamese dong wow it's hard not to you know i don't want to be like childish but like don't call it a fucking dong what is some of the some of these what that are called why is it going to the come on dude where's where's America? Dude, I can't even find America. I'm pissed. I'm going all the way to the U's. There's no... why do they do that, dude? Oh, here we go. United States dollar. Okay. To Dong.

Vietnamese Dong. Bear with me guys. V A B C D F G, do you have to do this? A B C D F G, check your link, U R S T U V, Vietnamese dong, there we go. Okay, so one dollar is 25,000 Vietnamese dong or one black dong. That's not even funny. But so that's a lot of dongs. Oh, we could probably call this episode, That's a Lot of Dongs, because it's Vietnamese money,

and they'll probably flag it. Anyway, and I said flag it. Dude, so, yeah, start trading. But that's not even close to what the Iranian reality is, at least what they said. Okay. Anyway, low Loi, Laotian Kip, Leo's Sierra Leone is Indonesia. It was Becky Stan. I want to bet that was on the list. Guinea, uh, Paraguay and Madagascar. Yeah.

Okay. Lebanese. Oh, here we go. USD. Yeah. Okay. Lebanese. Oh, here we go. USD. So, so a Lebanese pound, one dollar is 90,000 Lebanese pounds trade. Start trading. Iranian real. Why did the reality? Wow. Wow, dude. That sucks. Huh? Um, all right. Well, whatever. That's, that's how we learned. That sucks, huh? All right, well, whatever. That's how we learned. That's what we learned today.

You learn something every day. I started out, I asked Calvin what he learned today in school and he said, I don't even know what he said, honestly. He said something about the word C-S-E-E and it was just so confusing. And I just go, oh, good. I feel bad as a parent kind of just doing that sometimes. But I don't, you know, my son's not at the age yet to where if I say, can you explain that better? He can, do you know what I'm saying?

And when he is that age, then I will do that, like, autistically. Just straight up, like, you need to explain a little bit better. I'm lost here. But he, uh... is not at the... So I end up going like this a lot to him. Oh, that's awesome. And it's not awesome, dude. I don't know what it... Awesome in the way is,

you know, dropping bombs is awesome. I don't want it to be happening. But it's just full of awe. Um, and I was in, uh, uh, close. I was in, uh, Canada. I was in Regina and I was in Saskatoon and I was in Winnipeg. And now let me tell you something that they all have in common, gray. The cities, gray.

Now I know it's beautiful. Cause if you look out far enough, it's beautiful. Saskatoon, Winnipeg, Regina, gray. And Fentanyl, okay? Fg, Regina, gray, and fentanyl. Okay, fentanyl, and look, I don't wanna be shitty. Like obviously LA has a crazy fentanyl problem, but you walk around and you go, even if there's not, even if I don't see people

doing fentanyl, this is a fentanyl vibe. And I had a blast. I went to the Winnipeg Jets playoff game, even though I didn't want to. Dude, you know what I don't like, man? I don't like the guys who are in your crew that go, come on, bro. No. I said it. I'm me. I said it and forget it because I don't they want it. Look, it's like, because I did the show in Winnipeg and my tour manager is like, so I got us hooked up to go to the Winnipeg Jets game. And I immediately think who the fuck are the Winnipeg Jets? Because I don't know sports. I definitely don't know NHL. I definitely don't know Canadian NHL, okay?

So they're in the playoffs. Now, don't care. But good for the Canadians. You know, I think it's awesome that they love it. It's great. Hockey's hard as fuck. And so I go, oh no, the two guys who were on the road with me, Sam and Aaron branch, who was filling in for, it was really funny. Look them up. It's filling in for Denny love, uh, who I usually take, um, Aaron, uh, was like, Oh dude, we gotta go. And Sam's like, we gotta go.

And then my tour manager and Rika is like, we, yeah, we're going to go. And I was like, dude, I don't want to go. And they do the, come on, bro, I'm not the boss anymore. I had to go. I went, I went so they wouldn't. So I wouldn't disappoint them, dude. I'm not the boss anymore. I can't lay it down. And I went and, and, and, and the whole time I'm like, I'm a trick myself to it, to it to it being fun I'm gonna make myself and and I just go if I was an alien that came down to this this is how I would feel can't explain to me it's it was it's like that uh what's his name god he was so funny and starting out live uh the black he was for the time, he's the one black dude on certain.

What's his name? Tim Meadows. And he did the thing where he had an interview show and every time he would interview someone, he would ask them one question and they'd answer it. And then he'd say, why? And he would just follow everything up with why. And they would keep talking. And then he would say, why? And that was be his interview show that would be me as an alien on how come hockey is exciting well because there's a lot of you know people in his competition why because competition why that's me dude I don't I I and and I mean most sports by the way, okay?

I can understand a one-on-one type thing. Beyond that, it's who are you? Because dude, the lights and the screaming and the all dress, by the way, the Winnipeg Jets, they're the white out and they all dress, the whole, everybody was in white, except me. I had a vintage Winnipeg Jets shirt on

because I bought it earlier at a place. And I was like, I'm gonna wear it on stage. And it was blue. So I was the only guy in blue. And everyone else was in white. And I just, I don't understand, but I went there and I tried to be a real person. And every time I try to do something like that,

it's like in my head, I'm Dexter. It's just, yin-ta-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay-nay be talking to me and his breath is going to be just on this side of bad. I keep trying to move away but I can't because he keeps moving in. He asked me to sign his shirt. My friend asked me if I wanted a hot dog But why the fuck would I ever eat a hot dog just because I'm in a different place He entered a little entity Why would I eat a hot dog anywhere and just because a bunch of guys are skating on ice

Now I'm going to eat a sausage sandwiched between a bun. Yeah I'm going to eat a sausage sandwiched between a bun Tonight's the night I'm getting agitated Just regular reform Dexter dude, that's how I am at sporting events tonight's the night a Four is gonna come up to me and ask me from for To take a picture with her Yeah, the deadline thing four is going to come up to me and ask me for, for, uh, to take a picture with her. Four's a plenty. Um, anyway, no disrespect to fours.

Shout out, shout out to fours. Um, yeah. So, you know, I, I just, I was there and they won and you're welcome dude. Because I think a lot of it had to do with because I was there and then I left and then they lost the next game. So they're out of it. So white out, but also not so white out, but they, you know, uh, and there was a guy, there was a band, the halftime show there or whatever they call it.

They were singing like Journey or something. I don't know who they were, but the dude was killing it. I mean, just murdering. I mean, so good. He's such a good singer. And then I go, that's hilarious, man. Music is crazy. I feel that way about music too. Yeah, tonight's the night. Yeah. We're going to watch Paramore play. Yeah.

Yeah. We're going to watch Avenge Sevenfold. Yeah. Yeah. We're going to watch Behemoth. Yeah. We're going to watch Jane's Addiction tonight. Yeah.

Yeah. We're going to watch Goodiction tonight. Yeah. Yeah. We're going to watch Good Charlotte tonight. Yeah. Yeah. We're going to watch Sum 41. Yeah. Someone's going to bump into me, and they're going to spill Michelob light all over me.

Yeah. And I'm going to be so overwhelmed all over me. Yeah, na, na, na, na, na. And I'm gonna be so overwhelmed. Yeah, na, hot dog? Yeah, no, thank you. Yeah. Tonight we're gonna watch Creedence Clearwater Revival. Yeah, na, na, na, na, na. Ouch, you hit me with your elbow.

Yeah, this Dexter, this Dexter sucks. Nah, that's the Dexter I want to see, dude. Tonight's the night. Yeah, nah. Bring me the horizon. Yeah. Tonight's the night. we're watching My Chemical Romance. Coheed and Cambria. I've been watching so many goddamn bands.

I don't even know what to do with myself. Yeah. Arctic Monkeys, you know, fuck you with the band names, dude. Death Cab Freak. Tonight's the Death Cab Freak Cue. Yeah, nah. I'm in line for the urinal at... At Dirty Honey.

Yeah, nah. You know what I'm talking about? Fuck, dude. So we decided to go to Shouting Flames. Yeah, I'm in line at the merch table for blazing grapes. Yeah. Anyway, dude, just everybody's dead because I fucking murdered them all because I'm Dexter. Anyway, spirit box.

Yeah. So, all right, dude, it is what it is, but it's just I can't do it. I can't man. You know, I whatever, you know, I'm not music is beautiful. It really is. And I understand that it's beautiful. But having to go to see it with a bunch of people, suck my ass.

Right? Get the CD. (*laughs*) I'm a loon, bro. But whatever. Anyway, I went to Regina. Bro, and I thought about this joke, and it's such a stupid joke, but I thought about this joke because it's called the place is called Regina. And obviously it sounds like vagina.

And I, oh, you know what? I'll put it up on my Tik TOK or something. Cause I got a clip of it for sure. Stand up. But I was like, dude, don't be called Regina, dude. It, it, and then I said, that's like naming your town, T-Niss, and bro, the house fell down. And that's a stupid joke, but it fell down. Here we are at the sheepdogs.

Yeah, there! Um. Anyway. I was in Regina and what would I say? I'm at the dude. I did something. I always wanted to do this and I didn't and I and I finally did it but I was at the mall in who gives a fuck I was at the mall in Anywhere'sville doesn't matter whatever I was at second Regina no Saskatoon doesn't matter

and I was at the mall and the security, it's always a security guards, bro. Like if I could narrow, if I could, if I could, if I had to choose a profession of people that were going to come to my show, it would be security guards. You know why? Because security card guards be watching shit You know I'm talking about the the number they aren't securing shit except for what videos on their iPhone Dude security guy you you want to fucking rob a place hire a security guard. They don't give a fuck, bro They secure great

Videos to watch is what they do. Okay. So, and they watch, they be watching. And one thing is for sure, they know who I am. And another thing is I would pick security guard because not only would the fucking place be full, but it also be very safe. And so I'm watching the security, I'm walking at this Starbucks because, you know, I'm going to get something even though I don't want to drink it because Starbucks sucks and it tastes like the back of a cow's mouth. And tonight's the night.

We're going to see a low cut Connie. Yeah. night's the night, we're going to see a low cut Connie. Yeah. And so, this guy's looking at me, he's a security guard. He keeps looking at me and he's going, and people just rob and shit behind him, you know, and he's, and I'm still walking. And I'm like, all right, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna break, I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna break I'm

gonna I'm gonna say it and I've never done this but I I didn't know how it was gonna come across but I said it and and and and I said I stopped and I looked at him and he was still going And I gave him a beat and then I said, say something. And I realized that it sounded like I wanted to fight him. So immediately I go, fuck, I'm going to have to, I'm going to have to fight the security guy because of me, because of what I did. And I didn't even mean to, I just meant, I'm right here. Start talking. You look like your mouth is open. Right? So he says, uh,

so I say, say something. And then I go, oh, that sounds bad. And then I say, you're making it so weird, dude. I'm right here. And then he says, dude, you're the comedian? And I go, man, nine guys just fucking robbed a wireless fucking AT&T wireless store behind you. Tonight's the night. I'm going to see sheer mag.

I've got on a polo shirt. shirt. Whatever. I don't know. It's not a bit. It's not worth it. Stupid. It's gonna... That bit's not worth it, dude. Maybe it is. You know, sometimes you find it. But anyway, dude, if you see somebody that's a celebrity or kind of a celebrity, say something. Saying something is way better than not saying something if you're just gonna stare at them with your mouth open like a fucking crocodile.

Been watching Mad Men, and as you know, I've talked about this a little bit. And here's what's up with Mad Men, which I don't even realize. I didn't even realize this. Okay, so I have a thing. The world tricked me because if I have a thing, I have a thing where I don't really want to watch movies or TV shows About anything that was like 80 years ago. Okay now that's been with me for 30 years and I keep thinking that So what I back 30 years ago,

mad men wasn't that far off because it was about something that was, uh, 40 years ago, which isn't that bad, but you know, things were relatively, I don't want to, I watching a show, I guess what I'm saying is when I'm watching a show or a movie I want to watch, I want to be able to relate to it enough and it's usually easier to relate to something when it's in a world that was close enough to what your world is like. Yes figured it out! Figured out the sentence even though it was tough!

Figured out the sentence even though it was tough Now what I what I what I caught myself doing recently is watching Mad Men and I didn't realize That now that I'm 45 Mad Men was 80 fucking years ago. Okay, no, no, no, no, not when they made it But when they you know what it's about like the time period right? it's like 1950 or so, I don't know and So I'm watching this thing and I'm thinking like how different it is for Like just culturally it's just wild dude

Like there's one episode where one of the guys just like tackles one of the secretaries who was a woman because women were only Secretaries and he likes is like we're gonna find woman because women were only secretaries and he's like, it's like we're going to find out what color your panties are. And she's like, no. And he's like, oh, I was right. Blue. And everyone's like, oh, and I'm like, oh, right. Hey, you lose your job that way.

Right. And and back then it was like, I guess, acceptable behavior Hey, you lose your job that way. And back then it was like, I guess, acceptable behavior, society. And not to say that women loved it, but I'm like, oh shit, that is really such a change. Because if you go 80 years before that, I mean, people were just like, you know? There would be like a fucking, what do you call it? A trial, you'd be on trial for stabbing, you know,

your friend for disagreeing with you, and then you would get off because the disagreement was severe enough. You'd be like, well, you know. It's like the way time changes crazy is what I'm saying. And I'm watching Mad Men, and what I'm doing is mostly thinking like, wow, that's crazy. I can't believe things used to be like that.

And then mostly what I'm thinking is, it's a good thing that things aren't be like that. And then mostly what I'm thinking is it's a good thing that uh things aren't like that anymore. And then also though I still have some of it in the back of my head where I'm like I kind of wish that fucking women would still do that. You know like it's okay to be a housewife. Like they trick you with the word feminism because they say, are you a feminist? And then you go, no, because you think of the feminists as being annoying. But really what a feminist is, is someone who believes that men and women are equal. Now.

Yes. Uh, they, they, they don't mean at basketball. They mean, are they equally valuable? Yes, of course. So in that respect, we're feminists. You gotta be, you can't be like fucking, you know, men are more valuable or women are more valuable. These were all valuable, okay?

Actually, you know, men can't even make people so women, well, you need a man to make a person. So we're both very valuable. So anyway, my point is um uh It has an modern feminism is is more the thing right where it's like I am I am a woman I am a woman. I can I can get it. Uh, I can Be a ceo and you can you can

I can be a CEO and you can, you can. And if I don't want to, I don't want to have children, fine, that's okay. And I go, oh, that's interesting because back 80 years ago, that was all women wanted to do and God bless, either way, God bless, right? I guess I'm saying all this is because I realized something that I'm not necessarily sexist or chauvinistic. However, I do know one thing.

If I was a woman, dude, fuck everything. I would be a wife, dude. Because what is up with women have tricked women into, hey, boss bitch, get a job. What? Lay down. The bark collar went off. Dude, lay down!

Are you kidding me? And I don't mean four men, I mean take it loud off! Dude, I don't even understand the get, get a, get a, and I'm not saying being a mom is easier than the work you're gonna do. That's a hard job, okay? Wife isn't really a hard job. Mom is a hard job, dude, okay?

But are you fucking, dude, if I was a woman, I would be absolutely just cleaning my husband's dick absolutely just cleaning my husband's dick for just an every time and doing it because I don't want to have to work at Wells Fargo. Dude, go ahead. Hey, CEO, CEO, my God, pull that cock out, I'm about to clean it. There's no way. There's no way. There is no way. Modern feminism has tricked women into, you can do what you want, so do what you don't want? Lay down! Dude, it's insane. Are you yo, hey, relax, bro. I can't wait till it goes back and women are like, what the fuck are we doing, dude?

Let's just suck cock and lay down. Bro, I mean, look, it's got to suck to it's got it has to it has to suck to give head. You know, I get it. You don't even really have to do that. It has to suck to give head, you know? I get it. You don't even really have to do that. I would be a wife, bro. I would be a wife. I would dress up.

You know what I mean? The inclination is to be like, I would put on nice makeup, but I wouldn't, bro. I wouldn't, I would not use makeup. So my skin was so nice and never got caked up and I never broke out. I'd be like these fucking Eastern European. Or like, or like super Quebec style women that is like, or like super Quebec, you know, style women that is like, like working a fucking rig on a on a in a you know what they think that women like women in Quebec will like just for no reason, get their forklift license.

And they're so dope, dude. They'll be a 10 and they'll just be like I am here to operate the forklift. Parlez-vous? And then dude you go why? But they do it. But that's the kind of look I'd have but I'd be laying down constantly dude. Are you kidding me, man? Move the throw pillows. Hey, when you get back from work, let's let's I will keep it clean, dude. I just don't, just fuck man. Modern feminism has tricked you. It's still, of course you can do what you want. It's dope to make the money.

It's dope to be rich. It's dope to be the lady who fucking is on the call her daddy podcast. That's all great, Oprah, yay. Cool, you made it. But dude, chilling? I mean, it's like Oprah doesn't have kids. And that's okay.

And by the way, I think it's kind of a miss. If a guy misses out on having children, I think it's a miss. You know, you're missing. But a woman, dude? I mean... And when women are like, I just, you know what? I don't think having children is for me. Stop the cow.

Dude. Are you I, you know, you can do it. Do what you want to do, boss bitch. However, just every once in a while. Stop the cow. Yeah, I mean, give every once in a while. Stop the cap. Um, yeah. I mean, give me an apron, bro. Give me a fucking apron. N N O N. This is the thing about women. You can marry rich.

You can, you really can. Do they not know that some of these, Some of these women know that. Of course they know that. But it's usually the hoes, right? There's beautiful, nice, well-adjusted women that are great people. It's like, Mary Ridge, dude. Just fucking... What are you doing getting your forklift license? You know?

It's admirable, it is, dude. But it's like, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know. Maybe I'm, you know, I'm sure if I had a daughter that might change things. If I had a daughter, I don't think... Eh, it's a comedy podcast and that's it. Good night, husband. Have you said thank you once? Wow, you sure worked a long time today. I was chilling.

Have you said thank you once? I know, I'm kidding. It you said thank you once? And I'm kidding it's a comedy podcast So that's what it is There's this guy 19 of sailing across the Pacific Ocean alone with my cat from Oregon to Hawaii Today I'm gonna move the sails. It's gonna be the first time changing course in like I don't know five days or something and See if I remember how to do it

Better yeah, we'll see how how that goes. I gotta start undoing the layers here So how's he uploading shit? Let's see here. Yeah bring in the main. This is bullshit. There's no Wi-Fi across the ocean Starlink So this guy's trying to get what a million followers or some shit? Huh? He got him at how many? A million five in a week. Sailing with Phoenix. Wow.

God, I could see so much. This guy is going to have so much fucking daytime talk shows to do when he gets back that he's going to fucking die from it. Rachel Ray is going to be like, we need him. I mean, dude, could you imagine a more daytime talk show, fucking dude to be interviewed than a guy who sailed from Portland to Hawaii. God, I hope he dies just so we don't have to watch the daytime talk shows shit. I don't want him to die, but I hope you know what?

I hope a fish jumps out of the water into his mouth and he can't remove it. So he can't talk. And then this way we don't have to hear him yapping on the view because God damn it, dude. This fucking guy is going to be on so much daytime talk show TV that Richard Bay is gonna be resurrected. I swear to God. It's gonna be so annoying.

Well, you know, dude, we're gonna have to hear, if this guy isn't on Drew Barrymore in fucking, however, I don't even know how long this takes. He's probably gonna be in here for months. What's he eating? By, you know, fish? Besides fish, what's he eating? Drew Barrymore, we're gonna have to sit

and watch Drew Barrymore talk to him. And here's the thing, I don't watch Drew Barrymore. I'm still gonna fucking have to see it in my algorithm. That's the thing I'm talking about. Yeah, I get it. I can keep scrolling, but I just don't want to fucking see some, there'll be so much daytime. This guy's going to have so much daytime talk to our chief each other. And you know what? That's it. Mark my words. Mark my fucking words.

Now I'm going to change course. So I'm just going to. Well, I think I got a whole production team. It's a fucking. With his cat, you know, his cat is like fucking asshole, dude. I know you said there'd be fish, but this isn't really what I was thinking. The cat so pissed. The cat's so pissed. You know? I take it back.

I like your bedroom. Please. Please take us back. There's a sort of a philosophic concept that a sufficiently advanced civilization would be able to create a simulation. Yeah, maybe you've answered this before? A simulation. I've had so many simulation discussions, it's crazy.

Okay. Oh yeah, oh yeah, dude. Elon Musk has had simulation. In fact, it comes to the point where basically every conversation was the AI slash simulation conversation. And absolutely fucking dragging the guy and the guy doesn't even know it. I finally agreed that we would ban such conversations if we were ever in a hot tub. That was like...

Because that really kills the magic. Well, guy found a loophole, huh? Yeah, well, we're not a hot tub, technically so. Yeah, we're not a hot tub. That's right. Any sufficiently advanced civilization would create, could create a simulation that's like our existence. And so the theory follows that maybe we're in the simulation. Have you thought about this? A lot.

Are we? Even in hot tubs, so much so so they have to be banned from a hot tub yeah could you imagine you know that okay it's not the sexiest conversation are we in are we in the right I think here's in my way like the strongest argument for... Oh, he's comfortable, huh? I mean, just so uncomfortable. For us being in a simulation, probably being in a simulation, I think is the following. That 40, called 40 years ago, we had Pong, like two rectangles and a dot. That was what games were.

Now 40 years later, have photo realistic 3D simulations with millions of people playing simultaneously and it's getting better every year. And soon we'll have virtual reality, augmented reality. If you assume any rate of improvement at all, then the games will become indistinguishable from reality. Even if that rate of advancement drops by a thousand from what it Is right now. Then you say, okay, let's

Mention it's 10,000 years in the future, which is nothing in the Evolutionary scale. So given that we're clearly on Our trajectory to have games that are indistinguishable from reality and those games could be played on any set-top box or on a PC or whatever, and there would probably be billions of such computers or set-top boxes, it would seem to follow that the odds that we're in base reality is one in billions. Oh, fuck, dude. Really?

Fuck. That sucks, dude. So he's basically saying we're in a simulation? Yeah. I understand, dude. I actually understand, and it sucks, dude. Because I fucking love my family. How do you make new people then? Fuck, dude. This sucks sucks man. God damn it.

Are they siphoning my cum? You know what I mean? Are they? I mean, like, you know, making love with my wife is awesome. If I find out they're fucking siphoning my cum and I'm not actually getting it, getting laid, I'm pulling out, not only am I, well, I don't have to, I'm pulling out the back of the thing from the, like the matrix, this sucks, dude,

because he's right, you know? If this is a simulation, oh man, how does it, I'm surprised we've gotten this far without murdering everyone because this is just like, how does the wrong guy not hear this and just go, oh yeah, that's true. I'm going to stab everybody over at Ralph's now. So tell me what's wrong with that argument is the answer. Yes. The argument is probably. I mean, I just like, is there a flaw in that argument?

I mean, someone made that. I'm not sure what the error. No, no, the argument makes sense. That's crazy. So the assumption then is that somebody beat us to it. And this is a game. No, no, there's a one in billions chance that this is base reality. Oh, okay.

What do you think? Well, I think it's one in billions chance that this is based reality. Oh, okay. What do you think? Well, I think it's one in billions. Okay. I mean, that seems to be like clearly what, you know, what it suggests. And actually, I mean, arguably we should hope that that's true because otherwise if civilization stops advancing, then that may be due to some calamitous event that erases civilization. So maybe we should be hopeful that this is a simulation, because otherwise...

Because they could reboot it. Well, otherwise, either we're... I mean, the fucking idiot dude on the right, so drunk, because they could reboot it. Like, they'll turn it off and on again. You're saying that you take out the cartridge and just blow on it and then put it back and then have your life again?

Is that indistinguishable from reality or civilizational systems... ...indistinguishable from reality... ...well otherwise... ...otherwise... ...because they could reboot it. Just... ...fucking... ...missing the Pointersen.

Craig missing the Pointersen. Wow, dude. Otherwise, they could reboot it. So drunk, dude. No. I mean, dude. Otherwise, either we're going to create simulations that are indistinguishable from reality or civilization will cease to exist. Those are the two options. And then the guy who said so we could reboot it, he just went, yeah. Amazing. This is so fucked up, dude. And I uh Damn Damn. Well, it doesn't matter. It's just, well, it ultimately, I guess it doesn't matter,

but what does matter is that I get all upset when Kristen gets mad that I don't do the dishes, but I don't have to because like, I'm like, we're all plugged in. I'm not even fucking you ever we never made love they're siphoning my jizz from pods you might be 3000 miles away from me right now they're siphoning my they're harvesting your eggs siphoning my jizz your eggs, siphoning my jizz. And like, you know, you want me to throw away

the fucking tender greens? And I feel bad when I don't? They're siphoning my jizz. Do you understand I've never gotten pussy? Do you understand? Everything we went through in 2020 doesn't matter. Do you understand? I mean, I cried when my grandpa died. Do you understand?

My back pain, what is that? What is that? Oh, dude, we're plugged in and you're mad that I didn't call the fucking front gate guy. Are you kidding me? You're gonna give me shit about not bringing my shoes up. Okay, dude. So you're going to give me shit. All right. You're going to give me shit from, uh, not bringing my shoes upstairs. When AI has been siphoning my jizz for who knows how long and death isn't even a real thing. Okay, just remember that when I take out the tender greens.

Remember that, remember that I've never gotten any pussy, period, and you think we have, just remember. Okay, great. It's a depressing thing to think of. Why does it matter? Sure, I understand, but it's like, if love isn't, if we're not the,

why are we scared of bears? I'm gonna go fight bears. The last thing he said was he's, it doesn't matter we're in a simu- and I think he was gonna say Lation, but that was when the bear knocked his head clear clear off If that's real That's a great way. I wish we started the episode with that. No, I probably would have derailed the whole episode. I'm glad we got into what we got into because this is crazy.

I'm just simple, bro, like you. Although, I will say this, if we were in a simulation, they would fucking block that way of thinking, wouldn't they? Unless it was all part of the design. Maybe we're supposed to overthrow shit. Maybe our goal was to create AI so AI would help humanity understand how powerful it actually is. Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo And bears are real.

Alright, thank you very much. Appreciate you. Go get tickets to my show. I got a bunch of dates. ChrisAlea.com Like and subscribe and leave a comment. Thank you.