Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 447. The Idea Factory

Episode Date: June 5, 2025

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RUNK of congratulations. That sounds so fake. All right, episode 447 of congratulations. Anyway, we are here and things are fine. Things are good. I'm feeling good. I went to the beach. I'm a beach guy. You know, I'm not really a beach guy, but here's the deal. I wish I liked more things. Maybe I'm just the kind of guy that is just a guy that... Maybe I'm a bah-hum-bug guy.

The older I get, I realize maybe I'm just a bah humbug guy, but I love Christmas. I saw this thing on the internet the other day, and they were like, what are you obsessed with? They asked Mario Lopez. And since I'm a huge Mario Lopez fan, and I'm a huge internet fan, I go and I look and I watch that. And he says, I'm obsessed with my family.

That's what he said right away. And I go, that a boy, because I am obsessed with my family and then I'm obsessed with I didn't listen to the rest of whatever Mario Lopez said and I bless him. I love him. And then after that, I thought what else am I obsessed with my stand up, you know, and then I go what else am I obsessed with? And then I go what else am I obsessed with and then I go that's it but I guess that's fine because to be truly obsessed with something you need to be completely obsessed with it and

you can't be completely obsessed with something if you're also thinking about something else right um so it's like oh dude don't just be somebody who's like, oh my God, I'm obsessed with this new thing. No, be obsessed for life. Okay. Um, anyway, it's just, I, you know, I was at the beach and since I was at the beach, I wore my shoes and I, I didn't wear my flip-flops. And it was a conscious decision because, you know why?

Because I said, yo, babe, what are you wearing? She said flip-flops. I said, hmm, and I wore shoes and I wore socks and shoes because I am, I'm a white dad dude and I was on the beach and by the way I you know your boy looks a little you know he looks a little tan okay so you could pretend like I don't but I do oh yeah Chris looks like a vampire yeah Chris looks like Nosferatu okay mm-hmm yeah he did but is he tan now yeah he is tan now for R2, okay, mm-hmm, yeah, he did.

But is he tan now? Yeah, he is tan now. For Imprint, for certain. So he is tan, and the reason why is because I've been outside, but let me just, I've been getting outside more, but let me just tell you this about that, okay? Billy's first day at the beach, okay? Go to the beach, he loved it.

He was going, ocean. He was doing that like we were in a Disney movie, okay? And then Calvin, I was like, let's go. And he's like, I'm kind of scared. So I was like, nah, come on, we'll go. We went into the ocean. I had my shoes and socks on. And then, you know, there's always that one wave.

You're like, all right, this is cool. All right, all right, all right. All right, this is really cool. Nice and relaxing. And then there always that one wave. You're like, all right, this is cool. All right. All right. All right. All right. This is really cool. Nice and relaxing. And then there's that one wave where you're like, oh God, okay. All right. Oh God. All right. Oh, let's go home. Right?

No, dude. You go like that. Oh, it's cold. All right. So that happened, right? And my socks and shoes were on. I'm like, oh, it's cold, all right. So that happened, right? And my socks and shoes were on. And didn't like it.

I go, well, I'm just gonna have to eat that. As a dad, it's fine, okay? If I was solo on my dolo at the beach, first of all, vagrant. If you go to the beach alone, you're a vagrant, okay? You understand? There are people who are alone at the beach, they're all vagrants.

I get it, I get it, it's beautiful, I understand. I get it, it's beautiful, I understand. However, dude, at the beach, man, I really just don't, I'm not a beach guy, and I wish I was. And I was talking to this about, talk about this with somebody, I love doing anything with my family, my kids. So they wanted to go to the beach and I go, heck yeah. And we go and I had fun, you know? But every time I'm there, I'm thinking, man, if I was solo on my dolo, I'd be out. Okay. So the water got in my socks and shoes, right?

So wet immediately and I go, what? Okay, take off my socks, take off my shoes, sand all over my feet. Now, here's why I don't like the beach. No matter how much time you spend at the beach, and I mean, you can go to the beach and spend eight days on the beach, not leave the beach and leave the beach, or you can go to the beach, step on the beach by accident, and then get back on the sidewalk and there's still gonna be sand in your asshole, okay?

Now, sand is too small, okay? We all know it, it's not, it's, you know what? It's too, it's too, it's bigger than dirt and it's like, so when it's in your pockets, you feel it. Dirt is like, it's a little more fair. If I have dirt in my anus, it's not that big of a deal. Honestly. Head of God. If I have sand in my anus, it feels like my cheeks back there are chewing granules of sand. Okay? And it's in your teeth. It gets in there somehow. you could be walking with, you know, one of the, with a COVID mask like this.

And will there be sand still in your teeth when you close your jaw once because, and will you feel that granule? Will you feel that? Will you feel that in the back of your jaw? For imprint, for certain. Yes, Right? So it's annoying.

If I told, if aliens came down and I said, hey aliens, want to go to the beach? And they were like, what's that? And I say, oh, it's a place where it's really bright. There's a bunch of these little mini pieces of like sand dirt kind of things, and they get in your socks and shoes and pants. And well, is it annoying?

Yeah, yeah. And also if you go to the ocean, you never know how wet you're gonna get because you can try to get only up to your knees, but also every now and then a big wave comes and it splashes the shit out of you. And then the, and then the, and then the alien would go, Oh my God, no.

Instead let's go to target. I'll leave with things. I leave with things that I want. Not granules of sand, not granules of sand in my meat pork. What's a meat pork? Anus, yaw, yaw, yaw, yaw, yaw, yaw, yaw. Why would I want to choose, why would I want to choose sand?

Yaw, yaw. Yeah, and then I go, oh yeah, so dude, you're not gonna trick me, life. Hey, life, dude, you're not gonna trick me. Just because everybody's going, you're not gonna trick me, life. Hey life, dude, you're not gonna trick me. Just because everybody's going, you're not gonna trick me, that is dope. Now, I'm not talking about, you know, the beach at the one that, you know,

who's Ryan Reynolds' wife, Blake Lively would be in a movie about, like not that beautiful beach, but with the white sand, dude, and the clear water where you can see predators about to eat you from far away, so you get out, okay, fine. And the sand is flour basically? Okay, all right.

But if you go to the beach in Long Beach, that's basically just, it sucks. You're fine. You know what it is? It's free for a reason. You know what I'm talking about? you know, if the beach was really that shit, it would cost $20. I don't mean parking. I mean to get in dude. You'd have to know somebody. This is, this is people who can't get in at the beach. Oh man. So my socks and

my shoes get all wet and I'm just, I'm, I'm thank God my, my, my, my kids are there. Otherwise I'm losing my mind. I'm blasting off. You understand? Kids there keep me on the ground. My kids not there. I'm blasting off.

Oh dude, they're standing in my anus. I'll catch you guys later. Where are you going? Way, way, way from here. I'm too wet. It got in my socks and my shoes and my shoes are basically useless. I'm going to have to throw them away. So I take the socks off.

I put the shoes on. We leave, we leave now. And I'm not even going to tell. First of all, I'm going to tell you why we were at the beach in a little bit here. But I go to, I go to leave before I even tell you why we're at the beach we leave and I have now just my shoes on and no socks I get home. I take my shoes off blister the size of Montana Now

That's fine a blister. I don't care dude. I'm cool. I got a blister. That's fine Let's have a little fun with this blister. I pick it off, dude I you know, it's a little bit of a bubble I go nah This is just the top layer of skin. I'm the man. I got this I take it off and I show Calvin because Calvin's always like I'm bleeding I'm bleeding I'm so like look at this blister. So I cut it open and I show him and he's like wow It's like your skin's coming off. I said, yeah, but only the top layer and he says whoa can I touch it I said sure now this is why I'm telling this story okay

my son used his son finger to touch inside my blister okay you would have thought You would have thought, I got bit by a shark. Why did it sting that much? Okay, now, because he's five and who knows what was on his hand, right? My point is, kid's hands, dude, where were they? I mean, it felt like he had Tabasco sauce and the inside of a glow stick

and just cayenne pepper and peanut butter. Just, I go, oh! And he says, and I tried to act like it didn't hurt because I wanted him to, you know, I wanted him to kind of like normalize it. You're going to get, you know, cuts sometime. And dude, I thought my foot was going to come off. It's so, so, so ridiculous. It hurt so much. It was really weird.

Now I get why my son's scared of stuff like that, because I'm complaining about it but we did go to the beach and we went for the wiener festival we went for the wiener festival and that isn't a bunch of guys with just shirts on hanging out that's wiener dog festival it's called the. That's Wiener Dog Festival. It's called the SoCal Wiener Festival. Apparently it's the biggest dog festival there is in the world or in the country. So I'm like, all right, so Kristen's like, let's go. We have a Wiener dog. And I'm like, we had it for five months. We're not really bad about it with the Wiener, you

know, society. She's like, the kids are going to go. It's going to be with the wiener, you know, society. She's like, the kids are gonna go, it's gonna be so fun. And I go, you got me, you fucking got me. I don't wanna go, but you used a loophole. Kids are a loophole. Kids are a loophole. I mean, they really are a loophole. It's just like, it could just be like,

hey, let's go to the fucking headbunk convention. You'd be like, I don't like bunking my head. Kids are gonna go, bunk my head. Give me a VIP access. Give me a mallet. Don't even tell me when it's coming. I hope I live with lumps. It's a loophole, dude.

So we go to the Wiener Festival, they put me on their fucking Wiener Instagram. Fuck yeah, dude. I'm back. And so now I'm like, you know, I got this Wiener dog and then we came home and lost the Wiener dog for four hours. So it's like, if you're going to be about it, be about it. Don't lose the dog for four hours. Right. You can't do that.

If you're a guy and you're a husband and your wife is like, can we get a dog? And you say, you can't do this. You can't do this. Okay. But it's your dog. You got a potty training and you got to take care of it. You just saying that to a woman, they don't hear it. They just go, oh, he said yes.

Right. They go, oh go yes what you're saying is instead of saying well you got a potty training because i'm not gonna have the time i'm gonna be on the road i'm gonna be here that you're talking for a long time all they're hearing is yes for however long you're talking and they go oh yeah totally cool. You gonna take care of it? Yeah. Stop the cap. So, we were there. And I spent, we spent time at the beach, dude. We rented an Airbnb, you know? I don't like Airbnbs, dude.

I like hotels, okay? And I get Airbnbs are cool because they're more comfy and homey and like you can get more bang for your buck there. I guess, you know, there's, you know, there's a, you showed up to a place. It's like, it got like a hundred beds, you know, you're like, all right, we need four.

So we went there and we got the, but it's like, you know, I don't, basically I never want to be in a house with like directions on the wall on the way to the bathroom. You know, like what Airbnb place is it? It's like, well, don't put anything but toilet paper in your like, you know, yeah, I know, man. And this, I don't want to be in a

house with the Xerox paper printed out near doors okay cuz frame it cut send away for it get it made I don't want like here's the code. I don't like the email they send dude Every Airbnb needs to hire a fucking concierge outside Hello, sir. Now, let me let you in the door and just remember don't use too much toilet paper And if you do only use toilet paper, don't ever throw anything else in the toilet. Yeah. All right Okay. good night. You know, Airbnbs and there's always a spider there.

Like when we got an Airbnb in Seattle, forget it dude, we just lived with the spiders. It was just Spiderville. You know, and so... We went and it was fine, it was fine, it was fun, it was a lot of fun, but you know, you still gotta complain because I have a podcast. Thank God I have this. I was in couples therapy and I was like,

thank God I have my podcast. Today I was in couples therapy, I was like, thank God I could just fucking talk about this on my podcast, man. This guy doesn't surveys like, thank God I could just fucking talk about this in my podcast center. This guy doesn't want to hear about how I didn't want to be at the beach and how kids are loopholes. He's on Kristin's side.

Yeah, well, you know, it's because she wanted me to go to the beach and she knows I don't like the beach, but she used the kids as a loophole. Okay, Chris, so we're going to reframe that? Yeah, no, I know. I know we're going to reframe that. Yeah, no, I know. I know we're going to fucking reframe it cause I'm always wrong. Right. Great. Okay. That's fine.

It's weird when you're a codependent or whatever, you know, you don't want anyone feeling bad because of you because you're just like Because I woke up this morning and I was like I came down stairs a Kristen was like hey you wake up You know from the bottom she was like because David slept over our friend She was like wake up David's gonna leave soon and I'm like, okay and I in my head I go Not gonna I get in my head. I literally go fuck David like I'm like, okay. And I, in my head, I go, not gonna. I got in my head. I literally go fuck David. Like I'm Tupac. Right.

And I go back to sleep 10 minutes later, babe, come down. David's going to leave soon. I go, yeah. Okay. But in my head, I go, why am I lying? I'm not gonna. She does it again. Hey, babe, are you going to come down? And I go, why am I lying? I'm not gonna. She does it again. Hey babe, are you gonna come down?

And I go, I'm tired. She says, but David's gonna leave. I said, I don't care. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. It took a while, but he got there. And she goes, oh, okay. And I sat in the bed with the uncomfortable feeling of disappointing my wife and my friend.

For imprint, for certain. And that sucks, dude, cause guess what? I couldn't get back to sleep, dude. I couldn't, I really had to try. I tried hard. And you know, I waited maybe 30 more minutes and did I fall back asleep? Probably. But I don't know. Did I fall back asleep for five minutes? Probably.

Did I fall back asleep for 10 minutes? Probably. But I don't know. I think I did, you know, but I'm not sure. But then it's like I'm in the middle. I'm not doing what I want and I don't feel good about it. God damn it, dude. That is what life is. That's what you're doing. You're grinding, grinding.

Da dun da dun ch, da dun da dun ch, da dun da dun ch, da dun da dun ch, da dun da dun, dun, tch. The dun, dun, tch. The dun, dun, dun, tch. The dun, dun, tch. The dun, dun, dun, tch. I won't wake up, but I feel bad. I'll wake up, and I won't get back to sleep because my friend's disappointed. Da, da, dun, tch. Da, dun, da, dun. Grinding.

Da, dun, da, dun. I'm in the middle of the space of not wanting to. I'm doing what I want to do, but it doesn't feel right. Dong, da dong, da dong, grind in da dong, da dong. Just right in the middle there, right in the middle there. Sandwiching between a rock and a hard place. Dong, da dong, da dong. Just why the fuck David even sleep over?

Da-da-dun. You could probably sleep till 11 if he didn't sleep over. Da-da-dun. Da-dun da-dun. You picked him up on the way here. Now he has to uber back. Dong. Da-dun da-dun.

You made it easy for him just so you could watch a movie and fall asleep. Dong. Da-dun da-dun. So now I'm crying ding. I got to watch a movie last night, you know, and I'm watching a movie and I want to watch a movie. Fuck yeah, dude.

Sorry, I'm allergic to the clips. And my esophagus almost came out of my mouth there. So I went to, so I watched the movie last night. David came over, David Sullivan. I just put some shit on, bro. And anyway, it's so hard to feel like you're okay And anyway, it's so hard to feel like you're okay in your own skin. Yes, I said it. Dude. It's so hard to just be comfortable. Yes! Fuck yeah, dude.

We are never mentally sitting on couches. Yes! All we do is stand in line mentally. That's what we do, dude. We stand in line mentally all day long. That's what we do, dude. We're in between. Da da dun tsh da dun da dun tsh.

Dude. In between a rock and a hard place. Never doing what I want and being okay with it. Dun. Right? Right? Never doing what I want and being okay with it. Dong. Right? Right? Who's doing what they want and they're okay with it? Are you a fucking sociopath? You know what I'm talking about? Hey, I'm going to go out and get some coffee.

Oh, okay. Guilt. Okay. Dung, guilt. Dung, dung. Leaving but dung, dung, dung, dung, dung, dung, dung, dung. Hope she doesn't need me. Dung, dung, dung, dung, dung, dung, dung, dung, dung, dung. Dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, bong, bong, bong, bong. All right, I should have changed Billy's diaper before we left.

Dong, dong, one please at the coffee. Da-da! Oh man, should I get her something? Cause I hope she doesn't feel bad that I left for about 30 minutes. Dong, dong, dong, dong. He works out outside at home one day and then the next day he goes to the gym. And when he does it,

dong, dong, pushing weight though. Stunt, dong. This is for my family. I'm keeping healthy for my family. I'll live longer. But I still could be doing it outside in the backyard with my family. I'm keeping healthy for my family. I'll live longer That's what I still could be doing outside in the backyard with my kids Bung-bung You know and it's like I try to get ripped with my wife it's like

It's hard to be ripped older yet. Dude, if you're doing something, you... Well, my voice is just... I've screamed too much. I sneezed out my fucking esophagus. And, you know... Let me just have a little water here. And the shits and giggles guys are still out there doing stupid shit. They're a fucking fake ass log cabin.

Your boy... Dude, he's been on YNX, he's been tweeting. He's been putting stuff on his story, he's been tweeting. People fucking, you know... We're not letting these guys... They're frauds, dude. Okay. Follow me on Instagram and then stop following me when I started doing the cult log cabin shit. I don't know. But that's the thing, you can't fucking replicate talent. You can take the ideas. You can't replicate the idea factory, dude.

Hey, hey dude, you can't, hey, you can take the product. You can't move into the idea factory. Dude, this is them outside the idea factory. Hello, we can't get in. What's going on? Can we come in there just to see what's up? Dude, me up at the top of the fucking on the top floor? No, don't let them in, dude.

They're stealing the product. Do you still feel bad about not letting them in? Of course I do. Gung, gung, gung, gung, gung. Grinding, even though they're doing something bad? Yeah, no, seriously, seriously, yeah. No, it feels bad in my heart because I don't want them to feel bad even though they're ripping me off.

Gung, gung, gung, gung, gung, gung. Grinding, stop between a rock and a hall, place. I never feel okay, basically, is what I'm saying. Gagunk, gagunk, gagunk. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah, dude, oh dude, nah, never, all good. Even during a massage, yeah, too stressed out. Thinking about a lot of stuff.

So I like getting massages, yeah. Gagunk, gagunk, gagunk. too stressed out thinking about a lot of stuff. So I like getting massages. Yeah. Gugugun, gugugun, gugugun. I don't deserve a massage is really what it is. Gugugun, gugugun, gugugun. Never relax in me. Gugugun, gugugun, gugugun. Ah, life, you know? You know what Calvin said to me the other day? He goes like this. He says, life, you know?

You know what Calvin said to me the other day? He goes like this, he says, life is weird, right? And I'm like, yeah. Oh dude, just wait. Hey buddy, what's weird now? You have to wear pants?

What's weird now? Huh? Try having people you think are your friends. Try having people that you, try understanding how to budget money, dude. What's weird now? I said yeah, it was a poignant moment though People are so fucking crazy. It's unbelievable dude. I'll never I'm I'm here with you guys. I'm here with you guys

I really am dude dude. People are so crazy. And I know some crazy people listen to this podcast. And honestly, fuck you, dude. Because like, be your own crazy by yourself, okay? I can't stand crazy people who affect other people's lives. Okay? God damn it, dude. who affect other people's lives, okay? God damn it, dude.

Just people out there thinking that like, oh God, dude. I just, there's people out there that think that like, I'm having conversations with them and like that I have like, like a relationship. I've had people in my life that have, that think that they know me and I don't know them. It's hard to deal with, bro.

It's hard to deal with. It's so weird, bro. It's so weird. That's why I like, it's like, I hope we're in a simulation, dude. I just hope. This way, before I die or whatever happens, I could just unplug and be like, oh, oh, OK.

Oh, awesome, dude. OK, so all right. So then it didn't really matter. It didn't really matter then, that time that I bumped my knee and blamed someone else about it, even though it was my fault. I just didn't like where they put the end table, but it didn't matter, the end table didn't even exist.

So it didn't matter. I should have been better at moving around in my own body, I guess, but it wasn't even a real body. So how did it hurt? Well, it did. Felt like it did. Oh, God. You know, there is a I mean, I just mental like this whole look. Well, let me think of who's the guy, the basketball player, Zion Williamson, right? Which is like some chick is like sexual assault allegations. Look at this adult film star considering a lawsuit against Zion Williamson after recent... look at him come out the woodwork.

Look, adult film star dude. An adult film star influencer Mariah Mills is reportedly considered taking legal action against me. Oh my god, they contacted that guy? That lawyer guy? This is... No shame, dude. Embarrassing. Look at it. Everything is so weird. This is crazy. And that's so but he's not so he's gonna get traded or what? Well they say maybe. They consider him trade. Well that's he you know it's dude, that was just five years ago. Some chick was like, Oh yeah, I lived with him and I didn't want to live with him.

I, Hey dude, pack up, grab your toothbrush. And you know, I know there's different degrees of the situation. I get it. It could be very hard. I understand. Pack up. I know.

I mean it too. Like you can absolutely be, you know, what do they call it? Worked down to your last, you know? But hey, all the takes for, you know, pack up in five seconds, dude. Take five seconds to just think. Are you crushing your bills? Defeating your monthly payments.

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to make sure it's Canadian. So be it. At Sobe's, we always pick guaranteed fresh Canadian produce first. Restrictions apply. See in store or online for details. I don't know. Hey guys, I know you're listening to the podcast. Just wanted to drop in and tell you, I will be in Fort Lauderdale. I will be in St. Louis, I will be in Indianapolis, I will be in Irvine, California, Huntsville, Alabama, Miami, Florida, I'm doing a lot of comedy clubs this summer.

Houston, Texas, get your tickets, christalia.com, because I have a theater tour coming back in September, I do stuff like Salt Lake City, Boise. Anyway, go to uh... my uh... my my website and get tickets there and i'll see you on the road i got uh... for laura del up first in the miami

coming up in and uh... or one it's gonna be it's fun dude let's do it see you there i will say there at the way you hold your hands in your pocket Ah, so Boston The way you hold your hands in your pocket

They ruin your first impression And most of you do this Looks insignificant and it lowers your status So to fix it I want you to do the thumb display Ah It's insecure We're taking a photo, display your thumbs. Would do nothing. Makes you look more authoritative and more presentable.

Would do absolutely nothing. You're welcome. Oh, you're welcome dude. Stop ruining your first impression, reaching down, trying to grab items out of your bag. The biggest mistake that I see guys are hunching over and start digging at it like a little troll. Lower is your first impression. impression grab the bag without bound down over it Oh, it doesn't matter You don't have to bend over doesn't even matter over it. I just think it of this shit

Hey guy, don't you have shit to do? Continue to work out the way you open a water bottle can absolutely ruin your first impression guy hey what is this your job what's your job dude hey guy get paid dude what is what okay let's see don't do that don't do this basically don't do it twisted oh a cock oh dude what what what this is rage bait come on this is rage bait having a bottle of water and and being like i gotta open this now i hope no one thinks my pussy I gotta open this now. I hope no one thinks I'm a pussy is Lunacy oh did I put this on there the the Down syndrome girl did I put this on here? Crazy dude, that's that Joey swole guy goes after everybody. That is just crazy dude, that there's a Down syndrome filter that women are using to send people to their OnlyFans because they're wearing like hiked up shorts, but then they turn around

and they got like, you know, I don't know. Honestly, I didn't even notice that it was Down syndrome. I'm like, what? She just looks kind of like different or silly. I didn't even notice that it was down. I'm like, she just looks kind of like different or silly. I don't know. Maybe she's making a face and it didn't look that bad to me. And, you know,

they're doing this so people will so guys will be like, oh, yeah, I'm going to be on our only fan because because I'm, you know, I'm going to hit it. Or I don't know what guys think who have only fans subscriptions. I'm you know I'm gonna hit it or what I don't know what guys think who have only fans subscriptions I don't know I've never had one and there's no judgment but I just don't know what it's like to have one so these women will have a Down syndrome filter and I feel like people with Down syndrome don't really probably give a shit about it, that, you know, they're probably like, Oh, don't you know what? She got a nice ass. That's probably what they're thinking. But the people who are mad at it is not right. It's it's

fucked up. It's it's shitty, you know, don't for a bunch of reasons. All right. It's fucked up. It's shitty, you know? Don't... For a bunch of reasons, alright? Don't use that syndrome to drum up money for pussy popping, okay? Pretty much that's like in the Bible. And also, don't make me all fucking horned up and then turn around and then I feel bad. You know what I'm saying? Don't get me all activated and then you turn around and I'm in the mood to watch a documentary.

Do you know what I'm saying? Hey dude, how'd I go from bricked up to wanting to watch fucking The Last of the Freedmen's or whatever the fuck that that documentary is. How'd I go from having the fucking leaning tower of pizza poking out the mid, the middle of me to fucking to having to being very interested in watching that documentary that Lance Armstrong that's about Lance Armstrong and about how he

was doping I was bricked up great she turned around turn on fucking Lance Armstrong documentary. Fuck! He was toping. He's only got one nut, you know that? Doesn't he? Lance Armstrong, did he crush his nut? I don't know. It is what it is, baby.

It is what it is. But that's so... It just... why... you know? I don't know, man. I don't know, man. I don't know, everyone's got their own weird kind of like evil, you know, and it's not evil. I don't believe in true evil. I don't believe in that. I believe in people, and I don't actually think someone is...

Well, I think, you know, I will say, I guess, very few people are out there wanting to do harm to anyone. actually think someone is... Well, I think, you know, I will say, I guess, very few people are out there wanting to do harm to anyone. I think it's just their situation, and then they fell into... what they fell into and then became... worked it out in their mind to think, well, this is excusable now because of this, you know?

Like, I mean, I used to have sex with so many strangers that were coming to my shows, and I thought that that was, I had a chip on my shoulder, because I was like, they're using me, but it's like, I'm just making excuses, because I wanna, you know, bust. Like, you still don't do that.

You know what I'm saying? You know, but you could totally be like, oh, I'm going to be, I'm going to put my Down Syndrome filter on and then, and then have these, these, these, these shorts all hiked up and who cares? Down Syndrome people probably like it. You know, they probably think it's cool. And also I'm not really hurting anyone physically. Fuck, you know, everyone's got their own sorts of way that they work shit out in

their minds. Stop with that. Try, try. Right. You don't always know you're doing it. That's the thing. Just try. Stop. Stop with that. Try. Think about it. Think about it. about it um you're doing mental gymnastics to try and make it so you don't feel bad when you come think about it you're doing mental gymnastics you're trying to work out feeling okay when you're using a dancestone filter and hiking shorts up. Ba-dum-dum-dum, only if hands.

Do-do-do-do-do. I think this podcast is a musical. You know, it's like one of those fucking Peebo Bryson's. We've got, you know, old hits like Grindin'. Grindin' and Think About It and Higher Love. I'm Peebo Bryson. I have the worst fucking name in history, but it's my name.

Peebo. Bryson ain't that bad, but it's horrible with Peebo. Hi, I'm Peebo Bryson. Excuse me? That motherfucker had to get famous. Hi, I'm Peebo Bryson. What did you say? One day, man, I'm gonna sing and get famous, and then motherfuckers ain't gonna be asking me my name cuz they don't know it. Hi, I'm people Bryson

Oh, yeah, you're the singer exactly fuck. Yeah It worked Hi, I'm people Bryson this singer Yeah, bitch I'm Peebo Dude, that's actually the dopest name Fucking why didn't I name one of my sons Peebo? I'm gonna name my fucking third son Peebo Deleah.

Go ahead make fun of him. Oh, I don't care. Oh yeah, oh, oh yeah, make fun of him. Okay, you know who also has that name? Legendary singer, Peebo fucking Bryson. So legendary that he sold CDs later on on infomercials. So yeah, okay. Oh dude, I'm, oh, you got me. And then just go slide down the slide because you're at a playground, because that's how.

Peebo Deleah. slide down the slide because you're at a playground because that's how Pibo de lea um anyway you know it's like isn't it weird that they're just gonna be shit you don't know period until and then you'll just gonna die and then you won't know it ever like Like what dude? Like you know how many times I've tried to figure out what a tariff is? And I just realized, oh, I'm just gonna die and not know what it is.

Whenever I, even if I live into, be 100, I'm still gonna just, that's gonna be something that I'll just never know what it is. You know what I'm saying? And I know this because I asked chat GPT and chat GPT explained it. And I said, can you explain it in very simple terms

like I'm not very smart? And they did, dude. and I gave up after that I don't know so I go I'll just all right that's not gonna be something I know and it's weird to know that you know it is weird to know that but you know? It is weird to know that. But hey, that's what it is. And we're all going to be doing that. That's so weird, man. And then I heard this thing the other day where it was like, oh, what was it? Yeah, some guy said some quote where it was like, you know, just as the fish doesn't know when it's going to get caught in the net

from a fisherman and gutted and eaten, the human doesn't know when it's his time to go and I just go. I just go. Oh, we're just never gonna feel okay. I gotta hear shit like this, you know, on some A&E fucking, you know, flipping by. This is assault.

Hey, A&E, I wasn't even watching you. I was flipping by, I saw a nice image. Now I gotta think about this shit? I'm a fish. You Now I gotta think about this shit? Ha ha ha, I'm a fish! You know what I'm saying? We don't know, that's basically what we are. You don't know the day you're gonna walk out and get hit by a fucking, oh, you know what it was?

I think it was Final Destination. I started watching that again. Because I wanna watch them all before I watch the new one like a fucking idiot dude like an like like fucking like a that is the fact that I go uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh destination bloodlines is coming out? Oh shit. Let's revisit all five. The fact that I'm a 45 year old and that's something that I like legit, I'm like, oh, I'll get a blanket and eat pretzels. Oh, the possibility, maybe I'll watch one and two tonight. You know, just the fact that that's my brain.

And I go, and I'm like, it's just so idiotic. And this is the stuff I'm doing instead of knowing what a tariff is. And maybe I got the right idea, but it still doesn't feel okay. Yes! Gung, gung, gung, da-dunk, da-dunk. Grinding.

He feel guilty cause he at the gym. Working on his body. He can argue that it's for his family cause he's living longer, getting healthy. Gagagunk, gagunk, gagunk. But he's still gonna come back and ask his wife if she loves him. Gagagunk, gagang, gagang.

Hey, sweetie, I did legs today. Do you love me? Gagagang, gagang, gagang. Dude, what a fucking... Why do you listen to this podcast? We're a cult. We're a cult. We've got the log cabin, And it's under the fucking...

It may be underground. Like that movie Until Dawn. That's based on a video game. The movie's terrible. Saw it the other night. That's all I'm gonna say. My friend Taylor said it was good. Fun. Watched it. Wasn't. Now, he means less to me.

And that's fine. But... I didn't like it. And... Whatever. It is what it is, but the point is... Let's get that log cabin going. Fuck, dude. We gotta go to battle. Get in arguments. Seriously complaining.

Hey, Emily, it's Nick. Happy birthday on the 8th. You're starting your new job, and I'm very proud of you. Much love. Oh, and your Sideways burger makes me go boy-o-oing. That's a holler. Go ahead and sign up. You know, it's a, uh, they said Sideways hamburger. That's wrong. So I'm saying Sideways burger. Okay? If you're gonna do it, do it right. Ha-ha-ha. Uh, get up. Uh, so...

Holler.baby slash Kristalia. Wait, no, congratulations. Okay. Holler.baby slash crystal. Leah. Congratulations to Brian Callan on his bad ideas, a historic career of killing bits for such an old man. He sure is a stupid bitch.

All love long live TMP. That's from Max on holler. That's very cool. That's a good one. Stupid bitch was a little much, but, and this is from Anne Us, Hey Chris, I made an AI alien cooking show just for you. It's called Cooking with Zarnop on YouTube. Also I'm a quadriple espresso over the ice guy as well.

So props to that. And that's the holiday. You can go on hollard.baby slash crystal Leah and get some kind of shout out there. I don't, you know, I don't know if I'll be checking out that AI alien thing, but you guys can, man. You know, I'm going to look at them. Um, I saw a guy the other day, a straight up dude that was, I mean, the guy had eyes like... just fantastic eyes. We were eating, I was eating with Kristen... at, in Huntington.

And he just had fantastic eyes. I go, wow, that's... if, if, if, like, dude, if I had eyes like that, now, I don't think men should have blue eyes, but I think men should have dark shit colored eyes. Right. Because that's how it should that you're because that you're a man, dude, you know, when a guy has blue eyes, I'm like, all right, it's fine. I'm not going to actually judge you, but my first thought is blue eyes, huh? Okay. And maybe that's cause an insecurity for me.

I don't know, but I've got these fucking great shit brown eyes. Right. And if you're a man and you're a real man, I feel like you've got shit brown eyes. Okay. And if you're a man and you're a real man, I feel like you've got shit brown eyes. Okay? Anyway, this guy had piercing, ice cold blue eyes and they were just gorgeous. Ah, gorgeous. Remember that old sex tape with Colin Farrell?

Ah, you're gorgeous. Ah, that's gorgeous. That guy said gorgeous so much while he was fucking his hilarious. Ah, you're gorgeous. Ah, gorgeous. Ah while he was fucking his hilarious. I got gorgeous. I got gorgeous. I got gorgeous. Like, dude, do you have a vocabulary? That's gorgeous.

Ah, that pussy's gorgeous. Ah, the tits are gorgeous. Look at the hourglass figure. It's gorgeous. I was in Tigerland. Gorgeous. I was in a phone booth. Gorgeous.

I'm going to be such a good actor in 20 years. Gorgeous. I'm fucking gorgeous. I'm fucking gorgeous. I'm fucking gorgeous. I'm fucking gorgeous. I'm fucking gorgeous. I'm fucking gorgeous. I'm in a phone booth, gorgeous. I'm gonna be such a good actor in 20 years, gorgeous. I'm fine now, but mostly it's just gay guys that like me. And later on, I'm gonna be such a good actor

that you can't deny it, gorgeous. I'm gonna be in a movie about the penguin. I'm gonna be a series of... Whatever, dude. It's a bit, you know, it's like I could keep doing the bit but I do like doing it. You know what? I like doing it and maybe I'll keep doing it. I don't know. I'll be in a show on HBO Max.

You're probably wondering what that is but one day it'll be a streaming service. You're probably wondering what a streaming service is but my God, by gollylly your tits are gorgeous it's only 2001 um what was i talking about uh gorgeous oh his eyes were gorgeous and i go to my you know to my wife i'm like this guy's eyes are crazy right and she goes oh i don oh, I don't know, I guess, that's gay that you're saying that. And I was like, yeah, but no, it's not.

I'm not saying I wanna fuck him, but those eyes are crazy good. They're like the eyes that the ice people in Game of Thrones have. The ice, what are they called? White Walkers, yeah. But he had them. Just a guy, and with a mustache.

And you know, he was a fine looking man, but he was like five, seven. So I go, what a waste of those eyes, dude. I was like, sweetie, look at that guy. And she's like, yeah, whatever. I was like, you think he's hot? she's like no you know. Guys are always doing shit like that. Women don't even understand. They're like what are you talking about I'm eating. Because guys pussies you know right there right behind it gets

you here it gets you right here like that old sauce commercial, whatever it was, A1. It's always right there. It's always right behind what you're thinking of. Like you could be doing sports, but you're still like, bet I look cool for pussy. Oh, that touchdown was awesome that I got. I bet I look cool for pussy reasons.

And so I'm like, you think he's hot? And she's like, what? I'm eating a grilled chicken sandwich. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, no, but I mean, and I'm like, what if he was... If he was just 6'2", bro? Over. Mr. Cleans It Up. Dude, Dr. Slip-N-Falls.

Are you kidding me? Ugh. Dean? Dr. Slip and Falls. Are you kidding me? Dean Baggatowels. I mean, I'm telling you, Mr. You know what I'm saying? It's just, it's absolutely Mr. Baboon Rudder Collector. It's just, the dude, if the dude was a foot taller, he would be a baboon rudder collector.

Do you understand? Like, it would just be over. A hatchet wound enthusiast. Dude, he would be a fucking fried butterfly connoisseur. You know what I'm saying? The dude just, Hey, what's that? Oh, you're bringing a bag of baboon rudders? Yeah. My eyes and my height. But the guy didn't. He wasn't tall, so I go, oh, it's a waste of eyes. So I'm like, if that guy was 6'2", my wife would be like, yeah, he's handsome as shit.

And I go, but guys, we get such a bad rap when we're like, yeah, I like when, you know, women are fit. They're just all like, excuse me? I'm busy over here being a boss, bitch. Okay. Excuse me? Am I not fit enough for you? In the meantime, they won't even look at you

if you're fucking five foot five. There's guys out there that are five foot five that make money, that fucking have good personalities. But their tip of their dick is a little too close to the ground when they walk. Right? But I'm an asshole, cause I want the hourglass. Excuse me.

What's that thing on Tinder, right? It was going, the Tinder thing was going on. What was, um, height preference filters. So is it, was it a thing on X or what was it? Just kind of going viral. I see it. High preference Tinder. Let me just Google this here. Tinder tries new height filter to connect more intentionally. So this was it. Tinder tests out new height

filter to help people connect more intentionally. Can you do race on Tinder? Can you go like, no, no, no Pacific Islanders and they're just not for me, I'm not attracted to that. Oh, you can, okay. I'm surprised there hasn't been a stink about that knowing it's now. There's not a race filter, see? You have to be equally attracted to,

yeah, that's crazy. Cause some guys just don't get activated when we're on Pacific Islanders. I'm just saying a random region. I don't even really know if that's Asian or not or what, but I'm just, other dating apps do, right. But not Tinder, Tinder's the Disney of dating apps. to, right? But not Tinder. Tinder is the Disney of dating apps. Except they, uh, you know, they weren't at all in favor of the Holocaust. So the, um, so it says here, you must be this

tall to swipe. Okay. In the reign of the short king, is the reign of the short king over on Tinder. The platform has been accused of superficially after testing out a new, of superficiality. Is that a word? Yeah, I guess. After testing out a new feature that allows users to screen potential matches based on height. That's dope.

Now do tit size. Do box tightness. This is a part of a broader effort to help people connect more intentionally on Tinder. That's pretty wild, dude. Right? But I like it. Because I'll tell you what, I mean, I don't want no short, you know, I don't want to be like hooked up with a woman that looks like I won her. You know what I mean? I want someone that's at least five, seven. Can I do it? Can men do it too? Men can do it too. It's got to be okay.

So the part of our broader... Wow, dude. But that's going to be, believe people, dude, that's going to be like short dudes are like, well, fuck this then, dude. Well, you could just lie about your height, right? Just when you go. The new vetting function, which came to light via Reddit and other platforms is located in the discovery section of the digital romance service and lets users specify the minimum

and maximum heights of their mattress. Wow. The function will only be available to users who subscribe to Tinder Platinum. Love it. Love it. A premier subscription tier that starts at $40 a month. Nobody's going to get this.

Along with the new height option. Okay, so the tier also includes prioritized likes. What is that? A specific interest filter. Okay, that's fine. And a message before you match function and more. I don't know what priority is like, Stiz. Do you? I don't care. But meanwhile, regular tier users can only can already customize several search performances. What are they? Okay, so settings, including age, range, sexual orientation and distance well yeah that you gotta have that

mm-hmm the idea that paid preferences such as height allow the user to a greater autonomy without dude I think they should do this except dude that's the thing. You might miss out on a beautiful life because of it, right? You seriously might. I mean, these hoes, they all want fucking six two guys. But sometimes settling isn't settling. Sometimes you're like, oh, five, nine, okay.

But you missed out on a whoopsie daisy. You missed out on a beautiful life because you and you know why you did it? Cause of five inches. Uh, thank you for listening. Uh, this is amazing. I appreciate you guys. Uh, and like and subscribe. Thank you very much.