Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 45. The Drool of Baseball

Episode Date: December 4, 2017

It's the 45th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about the importance of drooling (especially while making love). Also discussed: Mario Lopez & Mark-Paul Gosselaar, reinventing yourself, white kids freestyle rapping, rhyming in general, Ouija Boards, and escape rooms. And of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Hey, what's up? It's episode 45. That's right. So next episode, there will be more episodes than there have been presidents. Do you understand what that means? That's a great deal. I didn't know we were ever going to get to abe lincoln we're going to pass fucking donald trump dude um so we got we got it going babies we really got it going babies

and this is the patriotic this is patriotic very patriotic of us to do 46 episodes next week makes no sense but however anyway um let's see uh first let's get some business fresh out the way dude you guys we are stocking restocking and restocking the merch uh uh fucking the store on crystalia.com uh and you can go get all your podcast wearables, and you get the Sfrikunch shirt, because let's face it, it is Sfrikunch. And you can get the No Kuda tee. You can get the E-Kuda. You can get the Congratulations t-shirt,

which is a fucking sharp blue. It looks really good on tan motherfuckers, and really good on pasty white people too. You got blue eyes? You got blue eyes? Get blue shirt. If you got blue eyes and you don't wear blue shirts, you're really hurting your attractiveness level game. But we got true baby tees.

Um, but we got true baby teas. We've also got the crystalia metal tea, which basically is my face with a skull on it with, but it would basically just looks more me than I actually look because I look like a skeleton. Um, yeah, some pictures you ever see some pictures of yourself where you're just like, oh shit, that's how I look. So a picture of me, sometimes I this i do a smile i smile so much that i get like i actually for a 37 year old man my i'm gonna just come out right out and fucking say it my skin looks good dude i don't really have that many wrinkles i'm fucking maybe

it's because i use my face a lot but sometimes when i do certain faces the shit bunches up around my eyes and all of a sudden i look like i died a week ago um but uh yeah there were certain shots in my special i don't remember what special it was i think it was my first one actually i was 33 um that uh where i just looked like skeletor um mentioning my first special black a white male black comic a lot of you guys have seen in where I just looked like Skeletor. Mentioning my first special, a white male black comic, a lot of you guys have seen Incorrigible and Man on Fire because it's streaming.

You can watch the white male black comic, which is my first special, which has the drunk girl's bit on it and all that shit. You can see that on the Comedy Central app or maybe you know, maybe you can get it on YouTube. I have no fucking idea. But that special that I did, my first special, will be four years ago today if you're listening to this on Friday. December 6th.

It's December 6th, four years ago it came out. And that's crazy to me because it seems like so much longer ago. I mean, to think that I've done three specials in four years is just weird to me. Maybe that's wrong, but that's what Facebook said. It popped up in my memories. And we know one thing thing that Facebook literally never lies you can't it doesn't lie hey Mark Zuckerberg was that a real thing where it said he was going to start taking classes to seem more human that's got to be fake I saw a headline it was like Mark Zuckerberg is is talking to psychologists and he's going to take classes how to appear more human. Hey, man, if you're doing that,

I swear my producer Googles the wrongest shit. He writes, this is how he Googles what I just said. Zuckerberg classes. It's not going to come up. Does it not say? It must have been bullshit because somebody was like,

that's exactly what an alien would do. And of like, that's exactly what an alien would do. And of course it is exactly what an alien would do. Or a robot. He really does seem like a robot. It's odd. But I don't want to say that because I don't want my Facebook information getting all hacked up and shit. So, yeah. So you can watch all my stuff and get shit.

And it's good to get for the holidays too, man. If you know somebody who's a listener for the podcast, just go to crystalia.com and go, go ahead and get them a true baby tea. It's the neck. It's a very close, uh,

it's, it's a way to emulate an elder. It doesn't mean you're an elder, but the pins we sell, I'm sorry, we don't sell. We give away to elders are the ones on the actual, or the,

it's like the same thing. It looks like a pin a little bit. You're cheating a little bit. But anyway, Yemulatin, though. Yemulatin. It's fricant. You can do it, but Yemulatin. I was in Irvine this past weekend, and I did eight shows, way, way too many.

I felt sick after every show because it was draining down. You ever get that sick where you're – you ever get not sick. You're not sick, but you're like run down and you're like, oh, man, I feel sick. Sometimes I get so tired, I feel sick. Do you guys get that way too? I don't know. But I was in Irvine. I did eight shows.

And Irvine, I'll tell you what irvine is a a toss-up you never know what kind of crowd you're gonna get sometimes you're gonna get got people who want to come to the show real fans and sometimes you're gonna get that dirty oc piece of shit type person that have like that are like just like cater to my every need, bro. You know, like I'm out, man. This is my night, man. What? I paid fucking $35 for a ticket. I don't get fucking waited on hand and foot. Dude, I kicked out one time.

I think it was two times ago. I was there. 60 people because it was a huge birthday party. Because they were being so obnoxious. And I went online and I've told this story countless times. I told it on an AOL interview. And every time I tell this story, people pop up from the fucking show and they say, You didn't kick us out.

We walked out. We're full. They're so fucking like they're like, we're full force, man. You tried to kick out two of us, but we all went as a team they're so fucking like they're like we're full force man you tried to kick out two of us but we all went as a team because it's fucking like dude shut up shut up i can't stand when people act like war is happening when war is not happening you know what i'm talking about those people who were like dude you fuck with one of us. That's such an OC mentality. You fuck with one of us. You fuck with the fam. No, you don't. No, you don't.

Hey, you work at Verizon. Okay? Dude, stop acting like you're in. Hey, you in a battalion? Dude, you general? You lieutenant? Hey, you in a battalion, do you go overseas and fight for America, or do you work at Verizon, hey dude, you know what, real quick, shut the fuck up,

real quick shut the fuck up and get me a mofi charger oh cool man you have fucking death before dishonor tattooed on your collarbone oh nice hey dude what's up with those phone plans? You know, these guys, like you don't work at a fucking kiosk at the mall. Death before dishonor. Right? Who the fuck? I saw a guy the other day. I was outside of a gym.

He was talking so. First of all, he had no shirt on and he had his shirt tucked into his pants, hanging over his shorts. Bro, you're not in fucking, what's that band, Crazy Town? You're my butterfly, sugar, honey. You're not the fucking, you're not in Crazy Town. Hey, dude, you in fucking Sum 41? No. Put your fucking shirt on okay so this guy uh this guy fucking puts puts uh he's talking on

the phone so i don't even know how to he's got two guns on his back okay two tattoo guns on his back shoulders and they're pointing to his head okay you listening shoulders and they're pointing to his head. Okay. You listening to me? They're pointing to his fucking head on his back shoulders. So it looks like his head's getting fucking blasted off. All right. And I don't know if that was intentional or not.

Let's just pretend it's intentional because I can't, I can't act like this guy fucking didn't know that he was doing that. All right. It said something in between the guns, probably death before dishonor. Okay. He had no shirt on. Walking around a parking lot.

Talking so loud. Business. On the phone. But he had Bluetooth speaker. He had Bluetooth. He had a Beats. Beats on. And he was just holding the phone.

Talking like this on his Beats, dude. Hey, man. No. All right. Put your shirt on or join some 41 and don't fucking do Bluetooth talking with your beats headphones on. What do you need? Who are you talking to? You talk, unless you're talking to Dr. Dre, you're talking to Dre? Are you talking to another guy with fucking stars on his shoulders? Or birds? You know? Those fucking hummingbirds that

people have? What is it that shit takes off like that? I don't get it. Like everyone thinks they're fucking Who is that guy? The good looking guy who had like a moment in like 99 that did a punk song guy and had, like, a moment in, like, 99 that did a, he was, like, a punk song guy, and now he, like, hosts Extra. You know who I'm talking about? I just wanna fly, wasn't that guy?

Put your arms around me, baby. Mark McGrath? Yeah. Mark McGrath. Dude. Yeah. mark mcgrath dude yeah look mark mcgrath dude chicks loved him when look at him you know and now he just hosts extra what is he did he he got some work done huh for sure that's so fucking yeah and he does he has the hummingbird shits on his on his arms but that's the thing man i don't understand like he had whoa he had hummingbirds on um like imagine getting because guys got that after he got that like imagine getting hummingbirds after mark mcgrath got them and you're not Mark McGrath. Like, God, he was on the cover of Rolling Stone. It's amazing how shit changes.

And now he's like, now he's like, Will Smith and a little bit of a, a little bit of trouble. Fucking, dude, I cannot watch those shows without getting actually depressed miley cyrus got herself in a little bit of heat today you know turns out sam rockwell is a so looks like uh fucking who well i can't even think of a person literally jada pinkett smith's dress was a total gives a fuck i can't believe people watch that shit. Extra, extra, brown. And then it'll always be some guy. Every time they get a new host, it's some guy that you haven't seen in 12 years. You're like, oh, shit.

The only guy that fucking nailed it and fucking dude. You know how hard this is? Let me just explain to you something about Mario Lopez. This guy is the shit okay this guy is a motherfucking is is is do you understand how hard what mario lopez did was he went from one of dude the guy's attitude is the shit he here's the deal man he was ac slater and for those young motherfuckers out there you don't know saved by the bell saved by. He was A.C. Slater. And for those young motherfuckers out there, you don't know Saved by the Bell. Saved by the Bell was one of the biggest shows for kids, for us, when we were young. All right?

Mario Lopez was A.C. Slater on this show. Now, he was – the character was awesome. He was like the football jock type guy and all the girls liked him and he was a ladies' man. And he fucking killed it on the show. Okay? There was Screech on that show and then the other guy, Zach Morris. And Screech basically, I think, like did a porn and learned karate. That's how he was trying to fucking come back, right?

Screech did a porn and learned karate, all right? Now, the Zach Morris, whose name is escaping me, and I know the guy, which is a fucking piece of shit. Mark Paul Gosler, right? The nicest guy. He's had a career uh he was on that show the baseball show that's out now that which is supposedly actually pretty fucking good i don't watch it but that girl who's on is like beautiful we're supposed to like believe that this fucking gorgeous girl's good at baseball and i don't even mean that gorgeous girls can't be good at baseball, but you know, it,

it, it's, it's real hard to find a really gorgeous, gorgeous girl that would, here's the thing. If I was a gorgeous girl, I would just fucking, you could get anything you want in life.

You don't have to do anything. You don't have to develop a personality because guys are pieces of shit and they'll just literally fucking cater to your every move. So if you're a gorgeous girl and you excel at something, it's even harder. Congratulations. You did it because you developed the personality even though you didn't have. Those girls deserve a medal. Those girls deserve everything they want because they fucking you know girls talk about

oh you know some girls talk about i was bullied because of my body because i'm not you know uh a model and this and that but dude if you're a model and also you didn't use that but really you got fucking you made some shit happen with your life and didn't just be like okay fuck it I'll just have guys oogle me but anyway Mark Paul Gosselaar is in that show but what

what Mario Lopez did was became a host on Extra and now this guy is so everywhere and he has branded himself and people don't even think of him as AC Slater anymore.

And that is the hardest thing to do in Hollywood, I think. If you become known as something, I'd look at Steve Urkel. No matter what the fuck he's done, he's just Steve Urkel. And he's tried. But Mario Lopez has overcome

the fucking insurmountable odds and he's fucking become Mario Lopez, not AC Slater. And that dude is the shit. What he's done is one of the hardest things. And I commend Mario Lopez. And also, I follow him on Instagram. And I love following him on Instagram. And also, he's like, what is he, 42?

And his body, and he's got like seven kids? How does this guy do it? He's incredible, man. But anyway, I don't know what I was talking about. Oh yeah, Irvine. So I was in Irvine and, oh yeah, so you never know

what the fucking show you're going to get. You're going to get the piece of shit, trash, OC, or you're gonna get you can get the piece of shit trash oc or you're gonna get the uh the people who are like really like well behaved and nice i mean because oc is is awesome man orange county is is uh you know it's definitely cliquish and um a lot of like rich white people probably a lot of racists but um and a lot of like privileged motherfuckers but also they have like really smart asians and shit and like zero black people i i don't know like i never see black people in orange county but um oh and they do have like latino type like mexicans and shit but uh they uh i did um shows and i had a lot of really good shows oh so i kicked 60 people out yeah that was fucking

years ago but so then this these crowds were good they had we had some chatter motherfuckers but my opener shut them down and they were good for the rest of the time I was on stage. But then there was one chick, one show that just kept going. Like that was her fucking like, don't do that. I understand you're a fan, but laugh. Here's the, here are the things you do if you're at a comedy show. You laugh or you don't laugh. That's it. You cry or you laugh.

Let's pretend you either at a comedy show or a library that's what happens don't need to go that's so annoying that's so fucking annoying now again it's a freak conch but you're being piece of shit don't do don't do what are you laughing at me one fire i love when he laughs man because it makes me feel like because he's these guys are my only audience you know one fire one and one fire two i need to get them the shirts with the things with the thing one and thing two, you know? Yeah. Dude, when I was a kid, there were shirts. There was a shirt I wore. Like, I'm with stupid, and it had a fucking arrow to the left.

And I thought that was the funniest shit ever, you know, to just walk with somebody and have them be on the left, and you're walking with I'm with stupid. You know what, dude? I got to get a shirt like that, man. I'm with stupid with an arrow to the left and just fucking make sure whoever you walk with is on your left. You know what kind of fucking boss shit that is, man? That's some cool dad shit, but I tell you what, that's some fucking awesome shit. I'm with stupid with an arrow to your left. Dude dude you got to get that shirt and

then make sure nobody's ever on your fucking right nobody's ever on your fucking right by the way last remember last episode i did i was singing um system of a down dude i've been listening to system of a down for fucking all week we listened to it on the way to irvine and i got an opener and his name's craig and he has really long hair and he looks literally looks like a guy that would only do weed all day only smoke weed and eat weed brownies and do fucking mushrooms and he's sober he's completely sober and he wears a trader joe's hat i hang out with cartoons i fucking hang out with cartoons he has long hair and his face kind of looks like maz jabrani undercover and he's just white he's white he's his dad's white and his mom's mexican and he has a trader

joe's hat always he works at trader joe's always wears flannel shirts and then fucking vans and he talks like this and he's just like oh i love system of a down and when he laughs he laughs like this oh and then and then we were we were we were doing this thing on the way to irvine we were freestyling like joke freestyling obviously not for real um i hate by the way when when i know it's a little bit of a racist thing, but I can't stand when white guys freestyle for real, unless they actually grew up in the culture. So it's not really racist, but like, well, like when guys who just have like middle-class families that are just like that, listen to fucking Kanye West and shit freestyle when they're wearing like polo tees,

you know, Oh, I want want to fucking and they do it for real though you know and they start rapping about the streets like what's more cringy than that but i like to freestyle and when i freestyle first of all i don't rhyme dude that shit is for pussies man i don't fucking rhyme because here's the deal man if you're a rapper all these rappers are like yeah i'm motherfucking I'll blast your face off. I'll kill you, motherfucker. You ain't shit. I'll murder everything moving.

Hey, you know what you do for a living? Rhyme. That's the least hardcore thing of all time. Rhyming. Dude, you rhyme. Yeah, but let me stack these ones and these guns. You just rhymed. Are you fucking Dr. Seuss?

You're basically Dr. Seuss, dude. You Dr. Dre or you Dr. Seuss? I grew up on these mean streets. Really? Stop rhyming. I grew up on these mean streets. Really? Stop rhyming.

Dude, I mean, unbelievable. And so, but when these fucking white guys with like frosted tips, like Mark McGrath style, motherfuckers are like, yeah, you don't fuck with me. I got my crew in the shit. Nah, you don't got shit man you play lacrosse you know you fucking have done you've you've literally played with a ouija board you know how fucking white it is to play with a ouija board i guarantee i bet i'd go on record to tell you zero other races have ever played with a Ouija board. Unless you get like the funky old black girl that's done it, you know, but she's been with a bunch of white guy, white, white girls that has done it. Like dude, Ouija boards, you know,

the two whitest things of all time, Ouija boards and escape rooms. Right? I said this before on the podcast. Never. It's the whitest thing to be like, oh, let's pretend we're trapped in a room. You know, dude? And then it's also the whitest thing ever to be like, oh, let's see what the fucking dark world is saying. Unless you're a black chick with purple lipstick on. A black chick with purple lipstick is the number one witchcrafty person, except for pasty white chicks with black lipstick.

Ah, shit. one witchcrafty person except for pasty white chicks with black lipstick oh shit um but anyway we freestyled on the way there but we don't you don't rhyme dude that shit's for fucking pussies man and you don't talk about guns man you start rapping about how you fucking like i was divorced and i probably ruined a girl's life for a little bit during the beat. That's hardcore, man. I had a two-year marriage. We barely had sex at the end of it. That's hardcore shit, bro. You don't talk about fucking the streets are, oh, the streets are real, bro?

I went to therapy after i dropped out of college i went every week and sometimes i cried during it and don't rhyme bro i'm fucking harder than you motherfuckers that's rhyming don't buy a gun you know half of these rappers are like oh i gotta buy a gun because i started rapping about it what that's backwards i used to have a buddy turned out to be a piece of shit but he uh he what did he do he started wearing the nicotine patch first and then got addicted to it and then started smoking. Idiot. One fire no so I'm talking about. Fucking idiot.

You know these rappers will start rapping about guns and then buy the gun. That doesn't count, bro. You got to start with the guns and then rap about the life. Now I'm talking, of course it's happened before. course it's happened before it's happened a lot a lot of these guys like jay-z sold coke or crack or whatever the fuck okay you know man how about rappers that have sold crack one time and then i've been like i dog now now i'm legit you know that's happened you know that's happened. You know that's happened. Yo, I sold crack, man. I did fucking time. Did fucking three days in a dunk tank.

In a fucking tank. What do you call it? The dunk tank? No, I call it the what? The drunk. The fuck they call it. Anyway, whatever. It's not the drunk tank.

I'm mixing shit up. The dunk tank. I've done a dunk tank before. Not'm not sad no i think i actually have i don't know anyway hey guys me undies every year millions of people receive the last the least like gift of all time and that's underwear right that's like your aunt gets it for you and you're like oh thank you but we still give it to our family and our loved ones who just don't want it but maybe it's not the underwear that that's the problem it's the kind of underwear right your aunt's not going to get you this stuff but she should me undies the only underwear that makes her an amazing gift now let me tell you something i

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probably in like episode five or something about how people who spend time with you should know who you are almost drooled right there by the way when i said who you are dude i by the way you ever talk and drool? I do that. I've done that. I don't remember the last time I've done it. Probably months ago. I'm a 37-year-old man.

Sometimes I get so passionate that I drool. And guess what, dude? I don't. That's how it should be, dude. If you don't drool a little bit when you talk, you, if you don't drool every now and then when you talk, you ain't shit. That's it. that's it that's it if you're checking your mouth while you're talking you ain't shit lose control baby lose control when you're passionate you're talking about some shit you're talking about your job

lose control drool a little bit i do it guess what guess what sometimes when i sometimes when i make love i drool if you're checking your own mouth when you make love and you're thinking about oh shit i can't got to fucking keep my mouth closed so I don't drool. You are not making love. Focus on nothing while you're making love. Don't focus on the girl. Don't focus on you. You focus on fucking nothing, bro.

You focus on nothing or you're not making love. You know where you are when you make love? Elsewhere. Or you're not making love. You know where you are when you make love? Elsewhere. Or you're not making love. All this bullshit about, oh, pay attention to your partner. Pay attention to the... If you're not focusing on elsewhere, you never made love. Be blissful. Be fucking out to lunch. Fuck all this shit, man. If you're

trying to please the girl, you ain't doing shit. You ain't doing shit. When you're in it, you're in it. Right? When you're playing baseball, you're in it. Right? When you're playing baseball, you're not, oh, I got to fucking get all the technical shit right. I got to this and that. You're loosey-goosey. You're hitting home runs. You're fucking shagging fly balls. You're loosey-goosey, man.

Willie Mays, dude, caught the ball with his bare hand. He didn't try to. It was there and it was easier. He did it. He was loosey-goosey. And at that moment, that was the drool of baseball. That was the drool of baseball. If you're talking and you don't drool once every eight months, you ain't saying shit.

And if you make love and you don't drool every other time, every third time you fucking don't make love, you know what you're doing? You're fucking at the partner. That's what you're doing. You might as well go at in and out and get a burger. You're not fucking experience in experiencing the burger. You're not fucking experiencing the restaurant. You're not experiencing the bullshit.

When people say, oh yeah, let's go to a steakhouse. Fuck you, dude. No. It's not about going to a steakhouse and getting a steak. It's about feeling where you're trying to end. It's about the moment, dude. That's why I don't make plans. That's why I don't fucking make plans.

Hey, yeah, fucking Friday, let's go to that steakhouse. Friday comes along, I don't want steak. Then what? You got to go to a steakhouse? You're not making love to the fucking situation, man. Go to the place that makes you drool, baby. I fucking am sure I lost a lot of the people when I'm talking about this. But you guys who I lost, I don't want you in my cult anyway.

If the girl looks back at you when you drool, making love, and she's like, what the fuck? Uber's outside. If she looks back at you, if she likes it, I got a new fucking roommate. You ain't going anywhere. Unless you want to, but you don't. Step it up, dudes. It's 2018 coming up.

Drool more. I'm serious too. I'm 100% serious. you think drool hasn't come out of my mouth while i was on stage take a fucking hike because that's what i do that's i love that that's my love you ever see fucking leonardo dicaprio act in basketball diaries snot comes out of his fucking nose yeah it's a little too much but at least he was in it

you gotta get to that point where fucking snot's coming out of your nose man otherwise you ain't shit you ain't shit any of these Wall Street motherfuckers you think snot's come out of their nose on business dude if I was on the trading room floor and I was like sell it buy it look at

the stocks get it going up down check the dow you better believe if that's my life's passion i got snot i got drool i i got it i got it and i'm making money dude i'm stacking gouda and we're backing up the brinks truck while I'm a mess. And I got a fucking I'm with stupid tie on because got to dress up. And it's pointing to the guy who's dry as fuck doing it for a job. This is my passion. Let me stack the monster

with the drooly tie. I'm stacking Munster with a drooly tie, bro. You fucking bitch ass cooters. Piles of drool in my cult at the log cabin we gotta go outside we gotta grow these plants let the drool hit the ground let the plants fucking blossom up that's our garden this shit is real life babies one of my dogs is in the corner looking at me and one of my dogs is literally putting his face up against something like he's like i don't know what's happening like you know what my dog looks

like right now the end of the blair witch project when the guy's fucking standing in the corner and you know it's because the fucking person made him do that or whatever the fuck when i saw blair witch project bro i couldn't sleep for fucking a week i don't know what i was talking about uh drooling before that let's talk about something man i don't remember i went off on a tangent this is what happens though I don't remember. I went off on a tangent. This is what happens, though. You know what I hope?

I hope you guys were listening to that part of the podcast with your parents. Because they need to know. Because you know who's never drooling? Parents. Right? Oh, my. They would go like that. Oh, my.

Oh, my. Oh, my. My dogs are kissing now i turned them on um yeah so i'm gonna do these other ads yeah hey guys i'll talk to you something about something that's a little bit new in my life here it's really hard to pick out the perfect gift, but all too easy to get it totally wrong. Mancrates.com, the surest way to find gifts that guys will actually love guaranteed. It's not a cheese of the month club or a new tie, which is very weird that I'm saying that now because I was just talking about ties and cheeses. Mancrates offers over 100 hand curated gift collections for every type of guy from the rugged outdoorsman to the sports fanatic and everything in between, like the whiskey appreciation

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mancrates.com slash congrats. Square Cash. One of the favorites, babies. And all of the babies are switching to the Cash app and it's the number one finance app in the App Store. Maybe it's because it's the best way to pay people back. I do it. Friends, family, co-workers, even cooters. Sending and receiving money is totally free and fast. Payments can be deposited directly in your bank account in seconds. Here's how it works. You download the Square Cash app, you link your debit or credit card,

and you put in an email address and complete a payment. You know how it works. You download the Square Cash app, you link your debit or credit card, and you put in an email address and complete a payment. You know how it works. They'll get a notification, they receive the money, that's it, no gimmicks. You don't get listed in a feed. I hate when you use the other guys and they list it in a feed. Hey, you paid Tom for throw pillows, and now you know everyone knows you're buying throw pillows. I don't want people to know my bed game. The cash card is very cool for this Square Cash thing. It's a new black debit card that you can design yourself via the app. The cash card allows you to use the cash that you keep in the app anywhere you want. You'll get notifications for all payments made with the card directly via the cash app.

Laser at your card and personalize it, and it'll be delivered directly to you for free. I saw some of these guys sending me their cards, pictures of their cards. One of them had a Kuda, a Barracuda on it with a no Kuda sign on it. It was very cool. Very, very poorly drawn,

but thanks for trying, whoever sent me that. The Cash App team is constantly building awesome new features. So what are you doing using the other guys get this cash app today download the free cash app for ios or android now that's what i was talking about craig my buddy when dogs like this and uh he was uh he was like we were listening to singing oh and we were talking that's what we were doing we were talking about freestyling that's how we do it, man. Don't rhyme.

Yeah. You're not hardcore if you don't rhyme. You're not hardcore if you rhyme is what I was trying to say. Is what I was trying to say. Oh, man. Took three guys to Irvine craig mark and mike and mark is my irish buddy whenever you tell him something he says oh seriously it's so fucking annoying

oh seriously yeah man i'm fucking saying it that's why I'm saying it hey I you know yeah I had a good show in fucking in San Francisco oh seriously it's a good crowd yeah yeah man dude that was like my first pet peeve I used to know this guy named Derek Yee

in um uh high school. And I would always fucking, he would always be like, that was my first pet peeve, I think, that really started grinding my gears. That was like the inception of this fucking podcast right there, Derek Yee. I would say, hey, there's basketball practice after school. And he'd be like, oh, there is?

And then I'd have to be like, yeah. What are we doing here? What are we doing here? We already fucking, I said it. Oh, cool. That's what you say. Oh, there is? Yeah.

Butters, shut the fuck up. I mean, Butters is trying to get Juan Fire to fucking pet him, and he's, literally Juan Fire to fucking pet him And he's Literally One fire is like this Like he's on the cover Of fucking Kazam Come here Cause he knows

Last time he was like Fucking hey hey hey And he goes Stop stop stop And the bitch ass shit Was like And he literally looks like Shaq and Kazam like this

Come here Come up here Bubba Come on Buddy One of my dogs Hops so high They're brothers The The other one thinks it can't, but he can't. Don't be a bitch ass. Come up here. Come up here. Come here, bubba. Come on. I got to do it. You can do it, dude. He's got a sweater on like a little bitch. Come here.

Yeah, dude. You got a sweater on like you're a fucking rapist, huh? You're a sweat like you're a fucking date rapist. How much you date rape date rapist, huh? You're a sweat, like you're a fucking date rapist. How much do date rapists wear sweaters, right? Fucking offsets it. Come here. Come here, buddy. It's got a skull on it. Never trust a guy with like a fucking, you know what I mean?

Argyle sweater or like a, or like a never going. If you want to date with a guy with a cashmere sweater, guard your fucking drink. That's all I'm saying. Guy's trying to fucking hide something. Put on a t-shirt or a button down and you're good. You got to get on a date with a guy with a cashmere sweater. Be the fuck careful, man. Be the fuck careful.

I'm telling you. Especially if he's like clean shaven. Yeah. clean shaven, uh, yeah, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, I was watching, uh, dude, I've been fucking going nuts with my shoes, I've been, I've been getting sneakers. I'm such an idiot, dude. I don't have a family, you know what I mean? So I don't have to put my kids through school. I don't have kids and shit. So I just can buy shoes. And I'm just an idiot, man. I love shoes. It's weird. It's weird. It's very weird. It's not even. Like I got the Yeezys. I got those semi-frozen Yeezys. And I got those. I just ordered the fucking blue tint Yeezys.

And then I got the. I got these Ultra Boosts. then I got the I got these ultra boosts and I got the I just love uh Jordans I'm such a fucking bitch I'm such a bitch and I post these uh these these fashion photos on my Instagram like as a joke about how I'm a fashion blogger and some people people think it's real. And it's just like, how dumb can you be? Like, how dumb can you fucking be to look at a comedian's page and think anything but, oh, this is a joke. You know why? It's because of fucking comedians that post dramatic shit on their Instagrams. Oh, it drives me nuts, man. Every now and then it's fine but some of these

some comedians out there are like i have great friends and this and that and couldn't get through what are you what are you what are you doing what's your brand hey what's your brand what's your fucking brand dude what are you doing People coming to you for comedy? I mean, it's cool to expand your brand. What Kevin Hart is doing is cool. He's obviously very funny, but he also uses his Instagram to try and brand himself as a fitness guy because of health, and he's trying to inspire

people and that's fucking cool i that's good i like that um but some of these guys just like are lost online you know and not just comedians i feel like this is a common theme and congratulations but i mean man i saw a fucking girl the other day. I put it in my, I don't know if it'll be, like, I put this thing up on the, like, what is this? This could be the most fucked up Instagram post of the week, I guess. But, like, here we go. Okay, you guys ready for the most fucked up Instagram post of the week? Uh-oh.

The most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. Gunk. Here it is. This is the comment. I'm going to just blow this through because this is just kind of – this girl is super beautiful. But taking time to – this is the caption. Taking time to reconnect your inner self is so important.

Sometimes you have to have space and reflect on your life without seeing what everyone else is doing. Try to focus on yourself, your goals, and what really makes your soul happy. is doing. Try to focus on yourself, your goals, and what really makes your soul happy. Always be true to who you are and be fearless to be who you truly are because no matter what, someone is always going to have something to say. I mean, all right, you know, okay, but literally seven million people said that yesterday. You know what I i mean you're not doing anything new that's the thing um there's there are there there's this thing that we have in on social media now like i saw this girl that was like this fitness girl that did all these like sped up videos that are like here's a little tasty snack and she's

like cutting up a cucumber and like pouring lemon on it and it's like and then she's like winks at the camera and it's like ah and it's sped up like it's a fucking like it's cy young pitching in the like those people are not creators. They're not people who advance art or the world in any fucking way. Let me be very direct. You're not, I'm looking right in the camera here. You're not advancing the world in any fucking way. What you've done is, and whether it's conscious or subconscious, you've seen other people do this and think, oh, that's what you do to be successful, to have self-worth.

And then you do what they did. And you're going through the motions. But you are not a creator. You are just somebody. Who now knows how to make a snack. With cucumbers and lemon. And that's nothing. Because we all know you can do that anyway.

So if you're on Instagram. Posting of yourself and you're saying your self-worth is this and that and don't let others judge you, you, all you are doing is repeating shit that you've said and that other people have said rather. You're not a creator. you're not a creator and you have you have no talent and that's fine but don't fucking go saying shit like this like it matters because it doesn't coming from you. If Kanye West goes out there and says some shit, it matters because he's a fucking creator. Now, like Kanye West or don't, but that's what he is. You could think he's a piece of shit and that's fine, but that's what he is. And this culture that we have now where, oh, I've got – somehow I've got 11,000 followers because people follow me because I'm aesthetically pleasing to the eye. Now I'm going

to do this and I'm going to be a person just that fucking changes the world. No, you're not. No, you're not, dude. It's just like what I was talking about, about how people who are fucking rappers who rap about the gun first and then get the fucking gun. You're a phony, dude. Be who you are and then people will find out. You can't fucking get the people first. Because you have tits or you're a dude who has great eyebrows and a nice jawbone. If you're a model, be a model. And look, there are

exceptions. Like, you know, I don't really know what Tyra Banks does, but it seems like she has turned her thing into a real thing and all that. I'm not talking about Tyra Banks. I'm not talking about Giselle. I'm not talking about tire banks. I'm not talking about Giselle. I'm not talking about actual fucking, you know.

I'm not even talking about models. I'm just talking about people who, I mean, there's fucking guys who are just like, who do this, who have fucking 60 followers that are just like, you know your inner circle it's the fucking it's the oc mentality that i was talking about your inner circle is the fucking thing like you're not saying anything that fucking changes anything dude shut the fuck up you don't drool when you make love you're a fucking robot and i you know i say this with no anger dude it's just come on help us out man we're all dying dude you see the world out there and you're talking about fucking cucumbers try i guess or i don't know maybe you disagree with what the fuck I'm saying.

Maybe you disagree with what the fuck I'm saying. But then you got the followers, and I'm not talking about even Instagram, just people who just believe in you that are like, Oh, yeah, man. Thanks. I really needed this today. How lost is that guy? How lost is that guy that's like,

oh, I really needed this inspirational quote? Well, it's not gasoline. You're not a car. If you're reading Instagram quotes to fucking get inspired inspired and helpful? Oh, man. I hope you don't have kids. All right, I'm going to fucking do some of these.

What do you call them? What do you call them? Twitter questions, right? Here are these Twitter quotes. Twitter quotes. Twitter questions. Here we go. Kevin Blackystone, Kevin Blackystone, at Gator underscore USA.

Change it. Gator, you know. If you were a UFC fighter, what would your walkout song be my guess is babylon that would actually be pretty cool to fuck with the uh shit and have some real or like have some josh groban shit while you're coming out and everyone's coming out to like fucking or someone else coming out to like fucking. Or someone else coming out like. Fucking DMX. But then you just come out.

And it's just like. You raise me up. To fucking higher than mountains. You raise me up. And then just fucking rear naked choke somebody and then you leave you raise me up i would come out to some shit like that uh here's a good question evan smith at evans underscore myth wow i want to burn your house down with that shit evans underscore myth i don't like when you can you know somebody's got like some kind of nickname or does something cute and you know they've been doing it for like since they were 12 you know like bro evans

myth bro look and look at his first of all he's got two guys in the fucking thing what's the myth which one is the guy the the fucking they're just two white guys just chilling and one of them like you're not mythical bro you're not you're not there's no there's no shit going on here is you just some guy evans myth god doesn't that sound like a terrible fucking movie that would come out in 2001 evans myth starring ed burns starring ed burns and angelina jolie. Evan Smith. And Laura Linney's in it too, obviously. And Don Cheadle. Evan Smith. Fucking Christ's sake.

She's going to die. No, she won't. She just started living. Evan Smith. In theaters everywhere. No one will go see it. How many fucking movies did they come out with in 2001 with fucking Thomas Jane?

You know, Evans myth starring Evans myth to starring Thomas Jane. Obviously, did I heard Thomas Jane doesn't wear shoes? I, I am not shitting you. I've heard on account from friends that they've done table reads with him, and he wasn't wearing shoes.

As a matter of fact, now I remember I was at an event once. What was the event? I don't even remember. An event with fucking real big stars at it. Christian Bale was there, okay, in one of his body shapes. Bale was there, okay, in one of his body shapes. And someone, and I saw Thomas Jane and he wasn't wearing shoes or socks. He pulled up in an Aston Martin, got out with no shoes and socks on, and he was wearing a suit. Bro, we're not close to the beach thomas jane wore no no shoes and walked around and i was you know what i was doing staring because that's what you do when you see a crazy person

he wasn't wearing fucking shoes or socks walking around a step on a syringe bro step on a syringe one time i walked out of jujitsu when i was fucking like 23 4 i bro this is the most me story ever i was stepping i walked out of jujitsu and i didn't have my shoes on and i was going to my car I stepped on something super sharp and it hurt so bad and I was like ow but I didn't look at what it was like a fucking idiot I just figured it was glass or something and I drove home all the way to Burbank from Hollywood and then I started thinking well what if I stepped on a syringe so I was like oh fuck I might have AIDS and I started sweating and I was like fuck I'll never know I'm not gonna go I gotta get an AIDS test in like a month to find out what the fuck this is or what if it's like gave me something else so I I was like, I could drive all the way back to Hollywood

and see if there's a syringe on the ground, and if there's not a syringe on the ground, it doesn't even mean that it's not a syringe. Maybe somebody picked it up and moved it after that, and it really hurt. So I was like, fuck, I got to go back and see if there's some kind of evidence. So I drove all the way back to hopefully find no syringe, but then still it could have been a syringe.

Hopefully find glass or something. And I swear to God, I look on the ground. This is hours later. And I see a fucking dead upside down bee. I was stung by a bee. I stepped on a bee. I drove all the way back hours later and there was a dead upside down bee. That's the most me story of all time.

And then to find it. I felt bad. I had a little fucking service for that bee. A little service for that bee. Evan Smith. Thomas Jane, dude. Remember when he wore that hat at the Oscars? I'll never forget.

Every few months I would text it. I would tweet it. The picture of Thomas Jane wore that hat at the oscars i'll never forget every few months i would text it i would i would i would uh tweet it the picture of thomas jane in that hat and i would write lest we forget and a picture of that hat see if it's right thomas jane oscars hat i don't know if it'll come back come up there it is that's the same hat look no there it is under it under it under it under there it is that's what he wore that's the same hat. No, there it is. Under it, under it, under it. There it is. That's what he wore. That's the fucking one he wore.

What the fuck is he doing? You got to go a little nuts to not wear shoes and wear that hat. Hey, he's got... Look, no shoes. Does he have no shoes there? Oh, what the fuck are those? Anyway.

He's a good actor. He was fucking good in Boogie Nights, right? That shit fucking killed me. That shit. Why would you wear no shoes to an event? You want to feel the earth, you know? That's what he probably wanted. Yeah, I just like to feel the earth.

I like to feel the earth under my feet. Hey, you know what? You can feel the earth under your feet with your shoes on. Nah, but it's not the same. Yeah, you know what's not the same? Your mind. Your mind broke. Your mind was different 20 years ago when it wasn't broken.

There it is. Golden Globe Awards. That's where it was. The Golden Globe Awards. This guy is wearing a fucking hat that is just brutal. It's brutal. Imagine showing up on a Tinder date and the guy's got that hat on. You probably, oh my God, the cigar.

Go back. Oh my God, who does he think he is? You got to put that on the video podcast. Thomas Jane, first of all, has a hat on, that hat on with a feather in it to really, really distill the assholeness in that feather. And then he's got a cigar that looks actually like a fat cock. If I've ever seen a cigar look like a fat cock. And then the tie.

And then what is he doing, dude? Is he fucking Elliot Ness? Hey, dude, it's okay to wear all that. He's got the vest on under the suit. It's okay to wear that if you're looking for Al Capone. Oh, and he's got shoes on. Of course, no shoes wouldn't go with that shit. Look at the way he's standing.

One fucking hand in his pocket like casual like what i don't have this hat on what man i don't have this hat on what man you think i'm being weird i got my shoes on he was the punisher he was the first punisher um all right let's look at another question, and then we're probably out. What do you do when – oh, I never did the Evans myth one. Evans myth. Fucking for Christ's sake, change that shit. What do you like to do on your birthday?

Good question. That's a good question. A very personal, nice question that maybe the babies want to know if you want to know a little something about your cult leader, right? that maybe the babies want to know if you, if you want to know a little something about your cult leader, right? Um, I, uh, I, um, I, I, I don't like to do shit on my birthday. I like to do a show at the comedy store. Uh, one time I was in San Francisco, I did a show in, I did a show in, uh, at Cobb's comedy club and, uh, they brought a cake out on stage for me, and that was really sweet. My buddies did that. Weren't you there?

Were you not there? Wasn't there. One fire. One fire for friendship. I like to do that. I like to chill. I like to get coffee. This is a me day. You know what I mean? This is a me day. I don't want to do anything I don't like to do that i like to chill i like to get coffee this is a me day you know what i mean it's a me day i don't want to do anything i don't want to do and it's hard to not know what

you don't want to do right it's hard to actually not to know that what you don't want to do because it's hard to not do shit for other people because we're not a lot of us aren't sociopaths a lot of us aren't sociopaths but some of us are and then we dons. But some of us are, and then we only do what we want to do, and it makes us feel bad when we try to make other people happy because we lose ourselves in it. Anyway, oh, come on. Really? My producer is telling me right now, and this is why I want fire.

This is why he gets the name. He was there in San Francisco at my birthday, and they brought a cake out, and he was there in san francisco at my part at my birthday and they brought a cake out and he was there but he felt he was asleep in the fucking green room ah it's a bad friend don't you think you'd wake up if everyone was screaming if 500 people were singing happy birthday this guy in the green room right next to the fucking door everyone's screaming happy birthday alright I'm going to wrap this up I'm done listen I want you to go

get your merch your congratulations pod congratulations podcast merch and give it to your baby your baby cult members for Christmas we're restocking that shit this week so keep checking back. A lot of it's out of stock now,

but it's getting there. So, oh wait, we got a new elder, huh? Okay, let's do that. We have a new elder, speaking of elders, speaking of the cult, rather. Lauren, at MissLaurenL. Why? She has

created and continues to update a thing called the Encyclopedia. Encyclopedia. Encyclopedia. Sound like a robot. Encyclopedia. Encyclopedia. Delia. It ends with Delia.

Anyway, it's a glossary of terms used on the show. So she's constantly updating that. It has things like Kudo. By the way i have a something for you lauren when you put the the the the uh the term she she does things you put the y first the y isn't the term you could put yeah apostrophe that's the term for you but here's this is not a term yakuta and then she explains what a yakuta is it's not you can't say a yakuta it's a kuda is the term and then you add the y to it so you have like yakuta

a person that blindly goes along with yada yada that's what a kuda is not a yakuta you understand what i'm saying yeah has its own definition so you don't have to fix it but i'm just letting you know uh it's helpful for the new baby new babies these glossaries who just start with like episode 45 don't know what the fuck i'm saying when i say it turn around change it gunk you know uh we'll dm you we'll dm you with the details and get your pin and certificate that's how you get your pin in your certificate we'll send them to you we'll get your info uh we'll get your info but uh at miss lauren l that's you can congratulate her for becoming an elder at miss lauren l thank

you very much uh for going above and beyond the uh the cult's um presence or whatever the fuck you want to say not not that way but anyway uh so Uh, so, uh, all right guys, listen, movement, get 15% off today with free shipping and free returns by going to MVMT.com slash congrats square cash. You got to switch. You got to do it. You've been thinking about it. Just do it. You're listening to this show. Just do it.

Download the free square cash app, design your cash card, get it for iOS or Android. Now subscribe to the YouTube channel, please. Uh, if you're a baby you want to help me out download the crystal ea app for

iOS or Android you see behind the scenes sometimes with one fire it's got for IRS or Android subscribe rate and review the show tweet me by using the handle congrats pod do all this shit videos go up on Tuesdays or Wednesdays upcoming shows at crystalia.com, San Jose,

San Diego, Riverside, join me on New Year's, Winnipeg, Calgary, Saskatchewan, Pasadena, just added,

chosen Pasadena, California, Man on Fire, Incorrigible, White Male Black Comic, watch it, re-watch it, like it,

I'm doing some guest stars on some shows, coming up, I'll let you know about that later, and thanks for listening, babies. And remember, drool during making love. Thanks, guys. See you.