Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 451. New Depravity

Episode Date: June 26, 2025

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RUNK! HAHAHAHA! Okay guys, hi! It is... Episode 451 of Congratulations! Here we are. Here we are, folks. Here we are. Oh, St. Louis, I'm here. I'll be there.

Well, if you're listening to this, it's probably tonight. Starting tonight, I'm in St. Louis. So go get your tickets at christalia.com. And Houston and Irvine and Indianapolis and Miami, I have a bunch of different dates for this summer. Go to christalia.com and get your tickets. St. Louis, I apparently, this is before obviously the St. Louis dates, I'm recording this before the dates,

which is why I'm promoting them. But apparently I'm gonna be in St dates, which is why I'm promoting them. But apparently I'm going to be in St. Louis when it's 109 degrees. So that's great. Um, it's 109 degrees. It's a heat wave in St. Louis, by the way, I have only been to St. Louis when there's been a heat wave.

Okay. Um, I have not been in January. I will say that, but I have only been in the summer months and every time I go there, it's too hot, okay? And that's fine, but it is crazy how hot it gets. I will be in St. Louis, so get your tickets, but you know, I have a woke up, well, how do we tell this? I have a, woke up, well, how do we tell this?

Let's start with just saying I, well, it was my anniversary, my three year anniversary, okay. And went to book the hotel that we got married in. Thought it'd be nice. Went over there and did that and stayed the night. Booked, called the hotel, booked the place. All right. And then, well, no, booked the, asked them a good restaurant, told me a good restaurant,

booked the restaurant, went to the restaurant with my wife, found out this is such a guy thing. It was the restaurant that we had a rehearsal dinner at. And guess who acted like he meant. Dude, oh my God, this is so cute. Don't tell her. Oh my God, this is so cute. Oh my her. Oh my god this is so cute. Oh my god oh it's the same restaurant as you. Yup.

Did I even recognize it? Nope because we were in the back room in the obviously with the rehearsal dinner but I did and I got points I got credit so you know good for me good for us really I don't know what it is with a woman that always has to take a bag somewhere you know I get that there's makeup involved in your thing but still you don't always have to take a bag somewhere okay sometimes you could just go right right for someone who leaves her phone everywhere leave your bag somewhere Right because you don't you know, you don't need all those things in that bag and that bag's too big right

Dude, we sat down at the table um She put up the bag down. First of all, it was, it's my dad's old bag, which means for sure. It's too big. It's too old. And it's not the right bag for the occasion, right? You know, just hand me down bags that are just too big as directors, Guild of America on it. Right. Oh, don't forget the DJ bag, sweetie. It's our anniversary. Dude, she, you know what she, she took out of the bag.

You know what was in the bag while we were having dinner, romantically dinner, a fucking just, I was like, you don't need that bag. Show me what's in that bag. Dude. Yeah. Okay. There were, there were things like a brush, you know, which arguably you don't need that bag. Show me what's in that bag. Dude, yeah, okay, there were things like a brush, which arguably, you don't need that. I know women like to brush their hair, keep it nice, but you don't need that. You don't need extra makeup.

Just keep the makeup you have. See, this is the thing about being a chick. If you put on makeup and you go out and it gets fucked up, you've fucked up. Be a fresh face, sweetie pie. Be a fresh face, sweetie pie. Be a fresh face, sweetie pie anyway. Don't use the makeup. I'll tell you what, makeup is disgusting anyway.

I realized, I thought I was transphobic. I'm not, I'm not. I thought I was transphobic. I thought I was like, ew, disgusting when guys put makeup and act like them. I just think it's disgusting when anyone uses makeup. Figured out I'm not transphobic. Hey, I just transphobic hey yeah that one dude I just don't like the makeup of makeup phobic dude don't take it on you think I don't want to see your

freckles sweetie pie you've got another thing coming you think I don't want to see the pores sweetie pie you've got another thing boy I want to see, you know, the beautifulness. And so the lipstick, what guy likes red lipstick? What guy likes red lipstick on a lady? What guy? A guy one, a woman, okay? And no guys. And so you might think it's cool aesthetically, it's not sexy though.

And whatever, you know You don't always have to be sexy, but it's like, you know, you know women are like well my body becomes sexual when I Decide and it's like yeah, I understand that but also You always want to be sexy, right because you always do because you always do I always do am I rarely? But when I got to put the moves on, forget it. My wife goes crazy, dude. So, um, I mean, I'm basically Justin Timberlake, where I push the microphone down and pick it back up with my foot, right?

That's how sexy I get, you understand? I get so sexy that I'm basically just in Timberlake in the round during the middle of a song I'm singing where I push the microphone stand down and just use the tip of my feet on the base to bring the mic back up, grab the mic, and then continue singing. It's basically how sexy I am now. So my wife had a bag, in the bag was a tape measure.

Whoops, dude, we were on a date. She brought a fucking tape measure, oops, okay? And a banana oops Hey, we're in a restaurant ladies to doing only bring pockets and You don't need cash. Here's what you don't need you put the makeup on you don't need a brush brush your hair before you go

You don't need cash. You're not paying Stop with that bag. What are you bringing in that bag? You literally got food in that bag. We're going to a restaurant. What are you bringing? A tape measure she had. For what, when did she have that in?

When did she put that in? So we go to sleep. You know, we had a good time. Dinner was great. It was a place called The Lark. It was a really great place. Apparently I've been there twice. You know what I ordered? Fried chicken. Dude, he doesn't even ever get fried chicken, but he got it. He wanted to try something different. Why did he? I don't know, but he did. Because he knew his wife was going to get something else and he knew he was going to have to half that anyway. So he frigging really figured it out.

Also got the tuna tartar appetizer dude. The way I did it was gorgeous. Okay. I did it gorgeous. I know how to order and I, and here I'll go one further. I want nothing to do with people that don't know how to order That's the real issue for me when when you're at like a Denny I remember one time I was like I was with Joe Coy at dad like a diner and he's like Let me get the whitefish and I go bro Guys like you and me we don't see eye to eye, okay

You're gonna fuck this up and then it's sure enough. He ate it and he fucked it up Bro in the meantime whoops the turkey pastrami Reuben whoops the turkey pastrami Reuben right I got that oh you get out of here dude oh I don't need that I got what I got I'm gonna eat it with the nice spread that you got on it I I don't dip shit, dude. I don't dip extra shit. It comes away. It comes. So anyway, I did it real nice, dude. I got the tuna tartar and then I got the fried chicken with the, I mean,

is it even worth saying? Yeah, it's nice. I got the fried chicken and she got the pasta thing, whatever it was. And I knew she was going to get that and she did. And I got the fried chicken. So I ate some of the fried chicken, I ate all the fried chicken, and then some of the pasta thing. But I balanced it with the tuna tartar, forget it, dude. Fuck outta here. Menu seasonal, go get it while you can.

But, um, anyway, that was my second time there, and it was beautiful, but I ordered gorgeous. And I went to sleep, woke up, and just had, you know, scratches on my face. You ever do that? When you wake up and you're, and you, and you, and, by the way, you're up for a while, walking around. Like, when do you look in the mirror when you wake up?

I don't look in the mirror until like, I'm up for a while. Like, maybe that's weird. I bet that probably is weird. I don't look in the mirror before I take a shower ever, ever. I look after I take a shower when I put my contacts in. And sometimes I don't wake up and take a shower right away. But I woke up before my wife and then was just like dilly dallying in the hotel room

and then went into the shower, washed up, and then the towel is just red, so much red. Cut on my nose. You can still see here I got a cut here on my eye, which is making it all puffed and look like I got a cut here on my eye which is making it all puffed and look like I got wrinkles when I friggin don't but look at that look how bad that wrinkle is but um yeah dude just bleeding out my so now and by the way you think if you just nick the tip of your nose, it's like you committed harry-carry. It's so bloody.

It is such a superficial blood cut, but it goes to infinity. I put that little, you know, you put the little, you know when you shave, I mean, I don't shave, but when you put your shave and you cut yourself and you take the little tissue and you put the tissue on the shave, so it clots the blood up. And then, you know, in like 15 minutes, you take it off and it's dry.

Did that with my nose, didn't work. Sopping red tissue. Just, I literally had to wait to go somewhere. This is me with a bleeding out. Who bleeds on the outside of their nose, dude? At me, just sitting like this waiting to leave with a fucking tissue on my nose, just like this. Waiting so I can go to the coffee bean

and tea leaf in peace. Oh, no, forgot about this. Had to put a bandaid on my nose like I give a shit. Bro, I don't, you know what it takes, if you're over 11 and you put a bandaid on, you know, you're basically Nelly. You know what I'm talking about? With the cheek? Ha, and...

Because you don't really need a bandaid unless it's pouring blood. Dude, my nose was pouring blood out. Anyway, whatever. I don't mean to be disgusting. So I woke up with scratch... I don't know if my wife was scratching the shit out of me. And then she... I woke up and I was like, what the... I looked at her, I was like, why is it all bloody? And she's like, oh my God, who scratched your face? And I was like, I don't know. She was like, who are you with? And I'm like, you, what do you mean? I was with you the whole time.

Did you open the tape measure above my face when I was sleeping? So, anyway, that's what has been happening. And just straight up sick for just 10 days, you know? You ever get that one that hangs on? You know I'm talking about the one that just won't go away. You don't really get that sick. But it just won't go away.

Wasn't that good? Didn't like it. You know, I started playing this Cyberpunk 2077 game. I've tried to play Alan Wake too. Okay. It, it, this is my thing with video games. When, when, when people go, do you like it? I'm like, well, that's the thing though.

I've been playing it for six hours already and I don't know. Right? I'm still training, dude. I like, I know this is it's a bit of a hacky premise, but it's like, dude, jump on the King Koopa, warp to the other stage. You know what I mean? I'm at three hours and I don't even and this is a game by the way,

where you shoot people and stuff and I haven't done it yet. What? It's like watching that movie, um, that, uh, the tenant filmmaker did, uh, about the bomb. What was it called? The bomb, the movie about the bomb, but Oppenheimer, where you're just like, when's this fucking bomb going off though? You, the whole movie, you're like, yeah, it's good. But first of all, there's too many shades of brown in the movie. And when the fuck does this bomb go off, dude?

You're just playing these games and it's like, you always have to get like, you got to link up with a buddy and then they tell you certain things about the mission and you're like, choosing what to say. Hey dude dude, I never want to choose what to say in a video game Write the script for me You're a video game I know the idea is to make video game cool like real life make the video games cool like real life

But it's not and until I can put a fucking VR headset on and Walk around in a dystopian universe on a treadmill not going anywhere But still meeting many people out there in the VR world Don't make me talk to people Hey B Hey Hey Got him B. Hey. A.

Got em. Hey. Oh dude, a backpack full of things that I have to rotate out? Hey. B. No. I don't want a backpack full of things in a video game, especially if one of them is elixir. Hey, B, delete that.

You know what I'm talking about? I don't know, man. I don't know man. It's just like ah we gotta go talk to fucking You drive it is it too much It's basically real life But then I was like this because I'm playing this cyberpunk game 2077 right that's what's called and I like the game. Okay, and then I'm like I'm gonna live here Okay, I

want to live here You can basically do whatever you want It's dangerous, of course, right? You got to keep a strap on you. You got to keep the four pound on you. Otherwise you're going to get fucking your wig split period. So keep the four pound strapped under the Eddie Bowers. So you don't get your wig push back.

Right? Okay, fine. Okay. So fine. So now I'm living in a world where I have to keep the four pound under the waist and the Eddie Bowers, right? So I don't get my wig push back. Okay, fine. That's all right. Do I need to flash it sometimes to show, oh yeah, but bomb out it? Yeah, I do. And I do. And that's fine. If that kept me safe, that's okay.

But I don't, but being in a futuristic kind of world like that where the tech is high tech, but also only the really rich people have it, right? So there's people also like on the ground, like when's that gonna happen? By what year? It's kind of happening now, right? Big, big electronic billboards,

and then also homeless guys on fentanyl, dying on the street, near trash, happening San Francisco, 2025. You know, they should basically just call Cyberpunk 2077. Just rename it to San Francisco 2025 and then in parentheses only not as good San Francisco I've said this before and I will continue to say it is hell on earth they are hell on earth okay it's fucking hell on earth. Okay. It's fucking hell on earth. I've been there nine times or so.

Okay. Every time I go, there's a new depravity. New depravity is like an R and B group. New depravity, the hits, I throw up on you. Let's do it on your period. Oh girl, we gotta do it when you're bleeding. No violence, Just realness. Do it on your period. From the guys who brought you the hit song,

you know, it's just a little dookie. Nah, I'll hit it raw. Just a little dookie. But anyway, it's basically hell on earth. But San Francisco is the only place I've seen people fucking in the middle of the street straight up. Fucking in the middle of the street. Seeing people pissing in between mailboxes.

Saw a guy shitting in the street. Saw multiple people crying in their car. San Francisco is the place to park and cry. You don't do it at home. That's how much they go, Oh, sweetie, I'm leaving. Where are you going? I'm just gonna go out. Do some errands.

You drive a few blocks. While you're crying, you're watching a guy shitting in between two mailboxes. Anyway, we're at war. We're at war, hi. We're at war with Iran. Hi. Don't know too much about it. I stay off the news. Hi. Don't know too much about it. I stay off the news.

Bro, I saw this thing that was AI the other day and it got me. It just straight up got me. It was an interview of two people and then at the end it said this is all made up of AI and I go, all right. Can't put your eyes anymore. Now what?

You know what I mean? Hey, hey, a fucking now what dude? Fuck. I don't want to see that shit. It's scary, dude. And AI is coming and it's all good, but it's still coming. So I'm like, all right, we're at war. Are and then also are we? Dude, I didn't even know they have like little missile interceptors that there you go. There you go There you go There you go Trump tweeted congratulations world. It's time for peace I'll tell you what bro that was the working title of this podcast was congratulations world We've changed it to congratulations in the 11th hour. So Trump is obviously a listener

Congratulations, it's time for peace. Congratulations. Now we bombed the shit out of you. It's time for peace I Do I do not know what's going on in the world. It's getting worse, I guess. But then people are like, yeah, but it's, you know, one thing's for sure, bro. If you're a comic, don't move to Austin. All right.

Now, if you did, okay, don't move to Austin. All right. Now, if you did, okay. But don't go now. Motherfuckers are thinking of moving to Austin now. Dude, you, they, they got it already. They got the place already. Now visit, right? You know how pissed off they are? You know how pissed off they are? You know how pissed off you get? I'm in LA, people fucking come in every year.

By the way, Hollywood's done. Hollywood's done. Hollywood is the automotive industry. Bye. There's gonna be two fucking, Warner Brothers is already, they're done, dude. They brought you the Matrix, buy. Oh, dude, remember the Matrix?

Buy. Dude. Stream it and see it. That's what it's gonna be. Hey, I thought of this shit. I'm gonna tell the algorithm that's what I want. They're gonna show me a movie now with Willem Dafoe playing Joker because that's what I always wanted. Bye.

Um... I, uh, saw this thing, and this is interesting. And does this mean I'm a sociopath? This is, does this make me a sociopath? Okay. This guy who's a guy with just fantastic hair, just going everywhere. Okay. Miley Cyrus is mean. I don't know why it's in light of that.

Um, but here we go. I'm gonna watch this. I tell you what, if you are do paid meet and greets, do them. I stand by it, but you take the money. If you're an artist and you do paid meet and greets, do it, cash, and you take the money off the fan. I love, I love that, I love this by the way. That's so gangster to say this. And also, K. Okay, I know a lot of bitches wouldn't do that. Hey, hey, hey, dude.

I also charge for eye contact. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, dude. I also charge for eye contact. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Dude I I know qualms a Challenger to do that don't don't what in the moment. Yes. Yes The cash don't put it on the company don't put the responsibility on someone else We get the Apple pay over here, please man. I got a fan who wants to shake my hand. No this right It's fucking gross. It's absolutely fucking gross. What? Right? It's fucking gross. It's absolutely fucking gross.

What? Oh, okay, hold on. And now young people being convinced by adults that want to make more money and go, oh yeah, sure, I'm not judging them. I'm saying, trust me, do a paid meet and greet where it's 20 quid a meet and greet and every single fan before they touch you go, let me see that 20. Well, I mean, dude, now he's adding shit. You got to say, let me see that.

Now you're adding shit. Let me see that 20. Oh, hold on. Before we meet. By the way, they already met you if they're there. So how do you get the money? Oh, I say, hey, mom's new word. These are the word. These are the words. This is the only sentence I'm gonna say.

Where's that 20? I, oh dude, hey, and guess what? Oh, dude, charge for eye contact. I only do it if there's eye contact. Full on eye contact. Eye contact like Denzel Washington in Remember the Titans eye contact with his players. Like fucking crazy eye contact, dude.

Like they try to look away and go, hey, I'm right here. Dude, I am doing acting class level eye contact. There is no more better eye contact than acting class eye contact, because that's what you really think you're giving it to them, dude. When not necessarily. Who even makes eye contact? Me. During my $4.50 meet and greet.

And on this, I hold a sign that says, eye contact only. You do not look, there is no looking away. That's what the shirt I'm wearing says. there is no looking away. That's what the shirt I'm wearing says. There is no looking away. Let's feel this uncomfiness. Yeah, I don't care. I, and maybe I'm, now here's where it gets a little weird. If the person's like 20 or something, I get it.

But hold on. And you'll do it for two minutes and you'll never fucking do it again because you'll realize that it's disgraceful. Yeah. And all that lot, that Jared Leto crowd who promote all that, is, it's a fucking abomination. Well, Jared Leto. Great rapper of all time.

Lil Wayne. Ow! The end of it, dude! I mean, Jared Leto's facing a little bit more of a backlash than that right now. But yeah, dude, I don't, well, cause here's the thing. I, for so long, didn't, everyone always acted in a whole year than now and shit. It's like, fuck off, dude.

I, for so long, didn't sell merch cause I didn't want to, cause I felt bad, okay? I felt bad. I felt bad. I'm like, they're already coming to see me. I don't want them to pay money for it. All I heard was, you don't have merch? Oh, this sucks, you don't have merch.

So I made merch. They're fucking so happy now. It costs some money because I gotta make this stuff and then I gotta, you know. But yeah, dude, speaking of merch, I got new life rips camo stuff. Go check it out. Chris, Leah.com.

But, um, yeah, dude, it's either do the meet and greet or don't do the meet and greet or you do it for free and then everyone does it. And it takes two and a half, three hours, depending on your crowd size. I don't know. I mean, you know, I don't know. I do appreciate, I look, I'm, I don't know. I do appreciate. Look, I'm very grateful for my fan. Like, I'm very grateful for anyone that shows up.

I have thought about not doing meet and greets. I sell, there's actually no, yeah, I'd sell 50 or 100 tickets a show, meet and greet. And if you want to do it, do it. If you don't, don't. Yeah. you don't don't yeah and straight up um wait hold on what I was not is oh this guy did a meet and greet whatever who is that guy anyway singer

obviously well what happened with Miley Cyrus though? You know? Whatever, it doesn't matter. Um... Morgan Wallen put 5,000 songs on his new album. Did you see that? Hey, make two albums. Make three albums.

Right? That's like when comedians go up and do a four hour, I don't get it. First of all, the singing and the dancing and the shit with the, how bands have like, you know, nine bands open up for them. I'm like, what do you do? Hey, I want to go see the band. Okay.

And guess what? I don't even want to go see the band. I don't get tickets. Obviously, I'm not the demo. But like, oh, dude, I'm going to go see, you know, whoever, Metallica and whoopsie daisy. I gotta watch Avenged Sevenfold 2 or whatever the fuck. What do they even sing? Hey, I'm gonna go watch Huba Stank.

Psych, you're watching Puddle of Mud, avenge sevenfold and silver foot or whatever the fuck there. What was that one? So much more. We lost ourselves. What's that one? Something foot. Ah, fuck.

What is it? I'm a little more mad than so so much more, and we lost ourselves. Do you even know what I'm doing? Well then don't even act like you're thinking, dude. He's out here like this. You don't even know what I'm doing, dude. No, it's all good, dude. We do have, I do have to get better at that. That's on me actually, that's on me.

Because when somebody says, do you know the thing? I go, oh, and I pretend to think every single time and that was me getting mad at me not being getting mad at you. That's how you can tell. That's how you can tell who's a true asshole. So here I am calling myself out

because you can say to somebody, hey, because I got a buddy who's always like, yeah, you know how people do this and that. And I mean, he's always describing himself. Bro, hey, I pretend think all the time. So sue me. I pretend think all the time. And I'm not thinking.

I am not thinking. Hey, you know that what's the song with the video and the here's me. Oh, you know what I'm thinking of? Bro, I'm not even thinking of another thing. I'm thinking of nothing. I'm going of? Bro, I'm not even thinking of another thing. I'm thinking of nothing. I'm going like this. And maybe I'm thinking, I'm making a thinking face. That's it. Hell yeah, bro. We expose the inner workings of the mind and life's secrets here.

So what? Going to St. Louis, gonna be fucking 150 degrees there. They made that arch, you know, in St. Louis. And it's like, what I want to know is is they didn't really start this simulation talk until recently, okay And it's like What were they thinking when they saw the pyramids There was nobody That would have been on the internet today finding someone else on the internet today creating a Reddit group that I mean I know it didn't exist but there wasn't there weren't those people come

on dude the pyramids how'd they get those big blocks up there okay how'd they get those big triangles up there how'd they get those big blocks up there? Okay, how'd they get those big triangles up there? How'd they get those big stones up there? Okay, look, how did they do it? Either, either some sort of pulley system, okay, or giants, or aliens, or technology, okay? And this is the first we're hearing about this simulation Uh-huh first time I heard about simulation was like that fucking movie with ray fines in 1999 before that nothing

Bro look at the st. Louis arch You know, I mean, I mean, yeah yeah you could do it without simulation but are they really we're all plugged in Nick Cannon has how many kids 12 kids that's crazy for a man you can just keep on bussing and having kids Wonder what it's like to have a fucking secret family Like sometimes I'm just on the road and I'm like what if I just stayed here What if I just fucking

Like what if I was in when I go to Indianapolis coming up here what if I just go there and never left and just just gave up and just started a new you ain't shit unless you start a new right I ain't shit I'll never start a new dude. I will not. Okay. But just fucking imagine a guy who has a law practice goes away for a bachelor party. The other guys are there like fucking yeah dude. All right. Woo. And then one of the guys, not even the guy who's getting married. Another guy already that has a family just goes at the airport, guys, I'm staying, and he stays and just plops it in a lady,

how, has a whole different family. I have a king complex. Why do you have so many kids? Why do I have so many kids? I have a king complex. I do you have so many kids? Have a king complex I like how Nick Cannon wears the All the the one What do you call it the fucking what do you call those tracksuits and then with the matching turban The what a king complex I was like, you know Yeah, we all do I also king. Oh man black dudes love being kings

But they're also like no Kings, you know what I mean now and no Kings to send me. How about LeBron? Did he say no Kings cuz he could he make he's called King James I like I really think I'm a key. So you need to have your Kings have a lot of kids. Yeah Yeah, I really think I'm a king he said no that sang sang icebox that's how they get court they have all their territory that's why what are their names you want why does this girl always act like she doesn't want the person on the interview what are their names and then that'll be the last question. Bobby Oldie Hoff or whatever. There's rock, roll, golden, powerful, rye.

Powerful? Onyx. Rye? Bread. Onyx? Legendary, Zion, Zillion. Legend, legendary? These are American gladiators. Onyx, legendary Zion zillion zillion in wait who is that last one zillion zin isn't that isn't Zina fucking weed pan and see And, weed pen? And, you see this is where I,

Oh yeah, Ted. Oh yeah, Craig. How many? You're missing two. I'm missing two. Oh yeah, Phil. Wow. I mean.

I mean...... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

... ... ... ...... and they're both calling my names and I'm like, ah man, which one am I gonna, which one is gonna, which one do I let be fucked up more? Mm. Man, everybody's got a fucking opinion, huh? Everybody got a fucking opinion. Huh, a king complex.

What the fuck? Look at this. Look at, actually, especially, how do you forget your kid's names, especially when they're those names? Like, one time you were like, oh, and what's, what's the last one? Fuck. Oh yeah.

Zillion. Hey, you don't, you know what I mean? Like, Oh yeah. Sorry. My bad. Legendary. I don't get it. What is wrong?

Who, who, you know, I don't know, man. It's like, we're all, you know, I guess humans are weird as fuck, huh? Like, especially now that the... This is the thing that I didn't understand about no internet, is that, oh, crazy people were around already. Many! And once they all got fucking... uh...

internet, you just go, ah, the craziness is taking over. Retreat. I buy cameos, and I just write the craziest prompt that I can think of. And this is one that I just sent to the Island Boys. Hi, Island Boys. My daughter Chloe is a big fan of you.

She's 19 and just got her first yeast infection. Can you give her a pep talk about how this means she's a real woman now? Hey, Chloe, I heard you're a big fan of the Island Boys. So yeah, you an island girl. I heard you're dealing with your first yeast infection. You feel embarrassed. I Did it with your first yeast infection, oh my gosh, dude, it's probably posse Ew with your first yeast infection you feel embarrassed. Yeah, it's very normal thing Had a banger there for a bit though. He might have had the summer anthem dude. Oh, you got your first season fixin, but it's okay.

You know, it's gonna be fine. It's totally normal and just the worst. Hold on. This is that is get dude. Real woman now. Hey, Chloe. I heard you're a big fan of the island boys. So yeah, you an island girl.

I heard you're dealing with your first season. Feeling with feel embarrassed. Yeah, it's very normal thing. boys so yeah you an island girl are you doing with your first season with you feel embarrassed yeah it's very normal thing it happens all the time be ashamed of it oh dude I love it dude but I love that he says dealing with because it doesn't fit in the schematics of the song and he's any crams it in there how'd you know with your first yeast infection? Let me tell you something. I I've dated girls that had yeast infections like 10, 11 times. Get checked! Hey dude, if you have 11 yeast infections during the time you've dated one of the island

boys, which is a short time because he sucks, remove your pussy put an appendage there you're a guy now whoopsie daisy too many yeast infections also dude the word yeast disgusting a 10-11 you know like he was counting and the matter of a month what's that every other day you get a yeast infection wait I mean come on I got wet let me tell you something. I've dated girls that had yeast infections like 10, 11 times in a matter of a month. Hey, who are you dating? Brad? Hey, who you dating? A loaf with tits?

Dude. Dude, that, first of all, didn't happen. I don't like this joke, but you gotta do this joke for that. Things that didn't happen for 400 Alex, you know. Dude, how's this end? It happens. A yeast infection is very normal. Do not be embarrassed. Just don't tell people about it. Oh don't be embarrassed. Just don't tell people about it. Do not be embarrassed. Just don't tell people about it. Like you're

like you're the kind of person. Hi, how's it going? I'm Mary. I have I have I've had 10 yeast infections this month. How many have you had zero? I have to remove my pussy. Okay, I'll become a man now. Just tell someone that you trust and that's pretty much it. The worst fucking advice, the weirdest advice.

Get it and get it fixed and that's that. It'll go away, it's not something that's permanent, it's just something very temporary and it's part of life. You know, you're gonna get things. Two things are true at the same time. I hope he sings at the end and I know he sings at the end. I know he goes back and sings. He has to come on please. Gonna happen things are gonna come your way, but you should be thankful. It's just a use of affection love. It's nothing nothing at all

Take that big step be that big girl like you are Chloe that beautiful island girl you are and be amazing Don't worry about all yeast infection please it goes away you know how many girls I know that I used to be I didn't laugh at them it's nothing I mean the worst ending trailed off dude why does this guy have so many yeast infections around him Why does this guy have so many yeast infections around him? It was kind of

Nice though That he did that to be honest, even though she didn't exist. Well, look there is somebody out there named Chloe with a yeast infection That's for you. You know I'm'm saying? If I was an island boy and that's what I did, I double down and I go, yeah, I know, but there is one. There is a girl named Chloe out there with a yeast infection and that's the one. That's the one I made to get the cameo to. She's dealing with a yeast infection. How much is a cameo for the island boy? How much is a cameo for the Island Boy? How much is a cameo from Island Boys? And then is it one or $180 for personal use cameo videos? There you go.

It's good. Well, that guy, the guy just asking for the yeast infection one is just hell of money. Well, there we go. You know, it's, it's weird. I was teaching, I'm trying to teach Calvin to swim. You know, he's five and it, what's crazy is how it keeps getting, what I don't understand is how fatherhood keeps getting, what I don't understand is how fatherhood keeps getting better.

Like you feel like you're gonna reach the pinnacle any day and then more stuff happens and it's just great. And I don't understand the feeling. Because sometimes I feel like... You ever just sit... and think about if you had to... if you had to shoot someone? And maybe not 100% had to,

but probably had to. Like there was still the thing in the back of your head where it's like, I could have gotten out of that maybe another way, but you know what? I didn't want to take any chances. I fucking killed that person. Sometimes I sit and in that moment, I think about if I had to kill somebody

or just a random, you know what I mean? Bro, if you're not thinking of crazy shit, I don't know what kind of lunatic you are, right? Because I think of crazy shit. Like, I think like I'll be in line at the place to get my zipper fix and my jeans. And I think, what if I just massacred everybody in here? It would, you know.

I think I could, I think I probably couldn't, knowing where I come from and my family and how much love we have and all that. I think I, can you compartmentalize that? Because as a comedian, you can compartmentalize a lot. Because I've gone on stage literally that because as a comedian you can compartmentalize a lot because I've gone on stage literally at the worst time in my year you know what I mean like whatever that year was whatever that happened like I've been like okay I still got to go and do my show and I go on and often

it's a great show like I know how to compartmentalize. And then I think about like, could I murder someone? And I go, I think maybe I could, right? So I do feel like a sociopath in that way, or someone who can compartmentalize something in that way. And then it's like, I w I think about Dexter and I think about like how, when he had kids, he started to really like have feelings and I'm like, Oh yeah. Cause I can like teach my son to swim and, and with a full, full heart the whole time. And my heart, let me tell you something, dude.

I'm watching my son try to swim. I'm trying to teach him as best I can, you know? And I show him, I get proud of him. And when he fails and when he goes underwater, and even though I know I'm right, I know I'm right there and I know he knows I'm right there. I go to pick him up. Even though that happens, there is that one or two second, uh, seconds of thought.

We're where it's, you know, it's 85% heartbreak. Like it's eight. You know what it feels like? It feels like um there are, there's fishing line tied to my heart in a few different places and then the fishing line is dangling it and then it's being tugged down. That's what it feels like. Uh it's not, I don't know if it would be heartbreak, but it is on the way. And I know it's going to be okay. Okay. Like sometimes I look at my kids and I have so much love that I also have utter sadness because that's right on the other side of that. And that is so fucked up, dude, that I can't just feel the happiness, you know?

And so that's, so, because when I think about things like teaching my son how to grow, teaching my sons how to do things, and it's always right there was, the world's fucked, buddy was the world's fucked buddy The world's fucked the world's gonna gonna fuck you too And you have to make him ready for that and that's so sad, dude

Um and and and He's only having fun. You know? He's just jumping in the pool, having fun, knowing I'm gonna be there for him. Fuck. But I don't. You know, it's like,

you're 45 and you don't always have someone there that's gonna be there for you I mean you do you have your wife you have your you know, your parents if you're still lucky You have your kids and they can't fucking help with shit, you know, it's just like fucking shitting themselves and stuff So it's like or pissing You know and so you're like, or pissing, you know? And so you're like, oh fuck, dude. My parents prepared me for this, dude? I can only kinda do it. And I gotta teach my fucking kids how to do it?

And then you're like, how are we advancing at all? Dude, we only kind of know the things. How are we advancing at all? Dude, if everyone that knew, everyone that knew how to fill drywall died tomorrow, Friday? I'm fucked! You understand? There's no figuring it out. There's me going, hmm, well, I'm next to die then.

Right? Like I could probably gather shrubs together and make a fucking wall nice enough in a place cool enough to where I'll be okay with my family for a while But I gotta go way off the grid oh Fuck dude, you know I'm saying and I know Brian Callan and Brendan Schaub like to be friends with those guys who can fig Think that they if the when the grid oh go fuck yourself dude when the grid

goes we're done What do you think because you can make? fucking turnips That you're gonna be and can dude Because you have a few guns and you can grow carrots. You think you'll be okay?

Bro, how are we not only the fact that we that there are even planes. I unbelievable human race. Unbelievable. Oh, unbelievable. Oh dude, there's missiles aiming, aiming to Qatar and Qatar's got anti-defense missiles, catching those missiles and blowing those missiles up. Oh dude, hey, up oh dude hey um if the guy if everyone who knows how to make rice dies tomorrow I'm fucked by Friday okay I I don't know okay Okay? So it's like, why did my wife even marry me? You know?

Because like, she's like, dude, I'm like, why, you know, I, you know, if, if everything goes and the grid breaks and everything and, uh, and she's like, you know, she's like, well, if it was like the year 1200, I probably would have had to marry someone else. And I go, what do you mean? She's like, well, I would have just had to get the biggest guy. And I go, yeah, but I still would have been really charismatic back then. You know, I'm, look, I am big.

I'm 6'2", and I'm 2'05". Yeah, I know that, I know that that doesn't mean I'm gonna be the best gladiator. I get that. I'll, you know, still probably focus on jokes and stuff, but like, dude, I don't think, uh, I think I could probably trick her into being really fucking having a good life with me.

But like, also like, there's still like little shit that'll take you out, like malaria, you know, or like yellow fever. What the fuck is that? You know, these big, big guys are dumb as fuck. They'll walk near anthrax. Not that there was that back then, but you know what I mean? I wouldn't kiss anyone. No, I wouldn't kiss. You're right. I didn't kiss a lot of the girls I hooked up with though. You know, what's wrong with me? It's just like, look, I'm 45 now,

I got my head on straight, tricked my wife into loving me, not a gladiator, don't need to be, right? Don't know how to plant a carrot, won't, won't, just fucking won't, you know? Don't know how to plant a carrot. Won't. Won't just fucking won't, you know? And maybe that's just. I could talk. I got the, I got the gab though.

Right? I could probably whoop people up into a colony though. Yeah. Yeah, I could do that. But that's good, there you go. How about that? Thank you for listening. I'll be in St. Louis, I'll be in Indianapolis, I'll be in Irvine, I'll be in Houston, I'll be in Miami, go get your tickets, chrislea.com.

And check the special out, Grow or die. It's still out there We're passing uh goals that we have so keep keep those clicks coming. Thank you very much. Appreciate Bye!